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Hi, Hannah. Welcome to Conan O'Brien needs a Fan. Hi, Hannah.

I didn't know if I should talk first.

Hi there, Hannah. Nice to see you. Where are you coming to us from?

I'm back in Vancouver. I flew in last night and I'm in my parents' Christmas living room. Oh, my God.

I love Vancouver. Really? Actually, I love Canada in general. I love the people. It's a beautiful place to be and everyone has such a great sense of humor. But Vancouver, I particularly love. It's a wonderful place.

Yeah, I have been there. We're pretty spoiled. We're very lucky or so.

Tell us a little bit about your life, Hannah.

Like from.

Birth or… Yeah, I want to say… I'm not going to start from birth, but I'm going to say start from four hours after birth. You've been cleaned, you're wrapped, you're under a heat lamp. No, I just meant I want to get a sense of, do you live in Vancouver full-time? What do you do?

I work on boats, like yachts, and so I'm always in and out whenever I get any holiday or any leave. I come home to see family and friends, but I'm.

Not permanently here. When you say you work on the boats, you mean not building the boats, but living on the boat and helping people. Is that what you do?

Yeah. So I'm not a craftsman, but I'm a chef on.

A boat. Oh, okay. You're a chef on a boat. Yeah. Oh, okay. Well, recently my wife got started... I had to travel a lot. She took a lover, which she tends to do when I leave town. It was me. It was it was, it was, Gordley. She's quite happy when she's with him. He apparently listens to her. But I got back and she had become hooked on Below Dec, the reality show. And there's one, I guess, that takes place in Australia. Down Under, yeah. It's like Below Dec, down under. Below Dec, down under, which I thought was ridiculous. But yeah, so I'm just curious if it's at all like that when you watch... Because what you see on that show is all the people running around getting on each other's nerves in a very contained space. Is that at all what it's like when you're working on a yacht?

I haven't seen the show myself, but I've got friends that watch and from what I gather it's similar, but obviously a dramatized version of reality. But it is a very small space to live and work together with a small group of people.

I have to say, I think being a chef would be tough enough. But to be a chef on a boat where if you suddenly need something, we need paprika, we need non-fat yogurt. We need iceberg lettuce. And you can't get it because you're at sea. Plus, the boat's constantly moving, it sounds like it's 10 times harder than being just a regular chef.

I mean, you make provisions for that. You try to stock up on as much as possible. If people are coming on board, you get a list of their preferences, dislikes, et cetera. So you try to prepare accordingly. But yes, there's always the occasional thing where you'll be in the middle of nowhere and someone wants many cucumber, I don't know, something and you have to try to find that.

Let me guess. It's mostly rich people, affluent people that you're waiting on if they're living on a yacht, yes?

Yeah, that's pretty much the-.

Are you ever tempted to say, No, we don't have it. No, sorry, we don't have that. You're on a boat. Get your thumb out of your ass. Do you ever say that to anybody?

Thankfully, I'm not front-facing. It's always the other staff who have to deal with the guests face to face. I'm in the galley tucked away. It's nice. So we can get the order and we can all stare each other in disbelief and then we can proceed versus them. They have to listen to this person making an insane request and they have to smile.

Right. They're the one that's hearing, I would like a pistachio, vanilla, mousse, three-tiered cake that's decorated only with yellow M&Ms. And then they come down and they tell you and you guys stand around in the kitchen and talk shit about them for 15 minutes.

I heard you ordering that the.

Other day. I like that. Okay. And I demanded. I see why you're asking. And I did it on an American Airlines flight. I was in business. With your thumb up your ass. With my thumb securely up my ass. But it sounds like it would be... How long have you been doing this for?

On and off for the last nine years. So once I finished university, I started doing this.

That sounds, I mean, first of all, it's very romantic to go to sea, I think. That sounds really cool.

Yeah.

It's nice to- Your yeah made it sound like no, it's not.

Sorry, my enthusiasm wanting there for a second. It can be. There's lots of nice places you get to go that I would never choose to travel to. It'll be a very small, tiny island in Greece, for example, which is lovely. But you get to see different parts of the world from a boat that you wouldn't say versus a normal road trip, etc, so that's nice.

Have you ever crossed the ocean? The Atlantic Ocean?

I think this last fall I did my sixth crossing.

What? Yeah. Oh, wow. That's cool. I've never crossed an ocean on a boat. That's probably on a bucket list for me. I'd love to do that. Obviously, my ancestors did it when they were asked to leave Ireland.

I'd be scared. And when you get asked to leave America.

Yeah, exactly. Maybe I'll do it then. That isI have to say that's very impressive. Now, do you think this is going to be your gig for the long run or do you see something else for you in the future? At a certain point, just being on a boat, then like, Been there, done that.

Well, it's very fun, but it is a very weird existence where you're sharing a room with somebody, you've got a bunk where someone's above you or below. It's just a very bizarre life as an adult with sharing a bunk who's not your sibling. That's strange. I don't see this forever, but I figure I keep doing it until I stop enjoying it and I still enjoy it.

I'm going to get real personal here and this does not include you, but I'm just saying there's got to be hookups on a boat. I mean, Sona, come on, way.

In here. Yeah, I said people be fucking.

Okay, well, okay.

No, I'm sorry.

On boats.

Hannah, do people be fucking? Yeah.

No.

Hannah.

She's from Vancouver. That's a loud man from Vietnam. They're very.

Lovely people. But people in Vancouver don't be fucking?

Don't stop saying that. It's not cool. Hannah, I apologize for my very crass friend, but- Sorry. There she is. No, I think it looks like you froze on Zoom, but I think you froze because of the coarse language.

Oh, sorry. I mean, people be making love.

Yeah, making love.

People.

Be doing it. But it must get complicated when you have men, women, hormone, small boat. Yes?

Yeah. I'm not going to name names.

But definitely- No, of course not. I would never ask you to. We'll do that on a separate phone call.

Yeah, I would.

There's definitely been... You see why there's a TV show made after this because there's been some pretty absurd situations of, say, someone being romantic with someone and then perhaps pursuing somebody else that's in the same department, and you're all in this little boat andto say the least, it all gets around.

Word spread. Yeah, everyone finds out. There's no way this stuff happened on Moby Dick. Any classic Seytale, there's always people hooking up. Yeah.

I would forget the boat's not mine.

Yeah, that's probably true. At some point.

How do you mean? I would start to be like, Is this my boat? This is my yacht? Then I would start sleeping in their main bedroom and stuff. Does anyone do that? Is that just me?

You're like the golden yacht of the yard. -have some... I mean, perhaps.

Oh.

Okay. I'm sown is onto something here. That's interesting.

On a crossing, you'll have some captains that are very kind and generous and they let crew use the guest areas when we're on a crossing because there's on board. But typically, you have to wear white gloves and not touch anything in the guest quarters.

Can I ask you, Hannah? You might be somewhat familiar with this show or with my general personality. Do you think I would do well on a long crossing or would I instantly go quite mad?

The thing is, it's a very.

Big space. Be honest.

It's a small space and typically if you're in a marina, you can step off, have some space to yourself. But on a crossing, you realize just how tiny it is, and people tend to go a little nuts. I think you would try and entertain everybody to the best of your ability. Yes, I would.

But also, can I say something, Hannah? That could be a problem. I think.

You'd start eating other people, even though there's full provisions on board.

They'd make you walk the plank.

I would start drinking my own urine, even though there was plenty of water. I would do it as a culinary choice. But I think one of the problems might be, you guys work in a small space with me, and I'm looking at four people right now who are in a very small space with me on a regular basis. And we'll just do an hour together, and I can see that you guys are ready to time out. Me on a boat on a six-day crossing in a confined space saying, Hey, Hannah, what about this bit? I don't think do one… Do you think I'd be killed two days in?

Personally, not by me, but perhaps everybody else. I don't want to speak.

Hannah, I don't think you could possibly understand what you're in for.

You know what I love? Hannah didn't say not by me, but maybe by someone else. She said not by me, but by everybody else. It would be murder on the Orange Express. The answer is everybody, didn't it?

Everybody. I think you would on a persona. I think you'd think you were a pirate, and then you would start talking like one. You were.

A captain. I would bring a stuffed parrot and glue it to my shoulder.

Oh, my God. What? I mean, it's similar.

Hannah, do you aspire to have your own boat or do you have a dream of having your own boat one day?

No, I mean, as somebody who works on them I should be more respectful, but they're personally just a money drain from what I've gathered. You buy it and you constantly have to flow money into it. It's just.

Constantly It's like children. That's the same thing I found. That's what I've been telling my daughter, just money goes in and I don't see, Okay, great. You got an education. What's this for? How do I benefit? So yeah, I see what you're talking about. Okay, that's interesting. I'm curious. Well, you can't name your boat, but everyone comes up with cool names for boats.

Yeah. What would Conan's boat be named?

I picture more of a warship for you. So the SS Conan or the SS O'Brien. I don't know, something more of that nature. What's more for you.

No, it's got to be the Water Blade. Water blade. It's got to be something that... I don't know. Everyone would want it to be the rusty Shamrock or, you know what I mean? I don't know that you mentioned it. Yeah. Classic. The sickly torso.

Everyone would want it.

To be the sickly torso. Everyone would insist that it'd be some humiliating name. But I want something cool and warlike. I just have to think about it. Buti was.

Going to say something regal.

Yes. Well, the HMS.

Oh, Her Majesty's.

Yeah. What is that?

Her.

Majesty's-service? Service? What is that? I don't know. Wait, you're a James Bond guy, doesn't you? You're not supposed to know this? Yeah, but.

That's.

Service. But I don't know if the boat- His Majesty's ship.

What's that?

His Majesty's ship.

Yeah.

I mean, I guess.

He's a naval commander. I guess he's an able commander. Oh, that's true. Bond. Okay. None of this will make it into the final podcast. That's called a cul-de-sac.

Hannah, what would you name your boat if you had one?

Honestly, someone asked me this and on the spot, I just panicked and said the dump truck. Then now I feel committed to that.

What a beautiful name. This is the dump truck. We're going down by the bow. Hms. This is the HMS. Hms, dump truck. All souls on the dump truck were lost.

Christened with a bottle of Four Loco.

Have you ever risked serious injury while cooking at sea?

We've had obviously several incidents. It's just nature, apart from the course, where everything is moving and obviously there's hot things. Like if you're boiling a pot of water, all of a sudden you just have to stand there and watch it. It's very time-concealing. My chef and I that we were working and we were underway and we were just trying to power through. All of a sudden, we had a big turn and everything flew off and like a knife stuck into the cupboard and we both looked at one another like, Let's just call it for an hour maybe, and then we'll reassess.

That is so, what a cool image. You're cooking and suddenly a storm and a knife goes flying and into the side of the door. That's cool. I'm sorry that you were almost killed, but...

I mean.

What's the old expression that a watched pot.

Never boils, but you.

Literally have to sit there and watch the.

Boiling water? Pretty much. Yeah. All of a sudden, everything takes forever. You're just watching pots boil. I'm like, This is pretty sad.

But you have to do something too. Yeah, if I was going into a typhoon and I was the chef on a yacht. I think I would decide maybe I'll deep fry that turkey later. Maybe we'll put that off till we maybe make anchor.

Genuinely, they have to put up signs above deep fries on all the boats because if you're going to deep fry underway, please alert the bridge because I guess people have thought that to be a good idea.

There should not be deep friers on a boat. That's just ridiculous. Everyone should just eat pop tarts and shut the fuck up. It's ridiculous.

I would love to see you in a room that's built to go like the waves in a full chef's gear trying to deep fry.

A turkey. Trying to deep fry a turkey and just screaming every time I get splashed.

That's going to be.

Were you ever in a storm where you thought your life was at… You thought this could be it?

Weirdly enough, the only time we've encountered a hurricane, we were in port, we were in Florida, and a hurricane was due to come. Everybody just decided to leave, but I was on watch with two other people. So me and the two other guys looking at one other being like, I hope nothing happens because you cannot leave the boat. It has to be have people on board for safety reasons. So, yeah, even during a hurricane, we just had to sit there and hope for the best and thankfully nothing happened.

Here's the difference between us, Hannah. I would make up something. You're like, No, there was one time we were in port, everything was pretty secure, but we did have to ride it out, but we were in port. I would say, Oh, it was nice it was. The phone was four yards arms high. I would just start babbling about, so that's where we're different. You told the truth and it was a very safe story and I would have just gone to town.

Is it more safe or less safe to be in a boat during a hurricane?

You mean, is it safer?

Than land.

Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, Florida seems pretty unsafe in general. I don't know if the water would help.

Well, we're not going to get into the politics. I appreciate that. Do you have any questions for us, Hannah?

Yes. How do you handle high-maintenance guests or do you have any tips for handling high-maintenance folks?

Oh, well, in the old days, when I had a TV show for 28 years, I would say, We'll take a break. We'll be right back. Commercial breaks were so fantastic because when I had a guest who was just driving me crazy, I could go to commercial. Usually, I'd try and get one laugh from the audience. And then if I got that laugh, I'd say, We'll take a break. We'll be right back. You won't be seeing this shithead sitting next to me. I've had a problem in life since I stopped doing that show, which is that sometimes I'm at a dinner party and I'm having a hard time with somebody and I look to a camera that isn't there and say, We'll take a break. We'll be right back. And everyone just looks at me awkwardly.

There's no commercial. I will try that I don't know.

How it's going to go all the way. But it's nice. Now that we do the podcast, I'm almost exclusively talking to people I really like to talk to. So it's really nice. It's bringing you in. I don't have that issue anymore. But I should start pretending it's a ship, and if I'm having a difficult time with someone, just a guest, just confine them to their quarters. I mean, when and don't. I should have a little captain's hat here on the podcast. No. Yes. Maybe. Pipe down. Pipe down, of course. Well, Hannah, it was lovely meeting you and I'm a big fan of Vancouver and your parents' home looks lovely and thank you for the invite. I'll be by soon. I expect.

You shortly.

Stay safe. Good luck at sea. Take care of yourself, okay?

Thank you very much.

Have a good day. All right, bye-bye. Take care. Bye.

Conan O'Brien Needs a friend. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam O'Sessian, and Matt Gordley. Produced by me, Matt Gordley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, nick Lleow, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Year Wolf. Themed song by The White Stripes, incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blaer, and our Associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Eduardo Perez, additional production support by Mars Mellnik, talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Bautista, and Rick Kohn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Cocoa Hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It, too, could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Cocoa production in Association with Irwolf.