Fallers here, hither, yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pants. I can tell that we are going to be friends. I can tell that we are going to be friends. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Conan O'Brien. Thank you very much. How are you? Hello, Brooklyn. Did you see what just happened right here? I offered my nipple to this woman right here, and she wisely declined. Then I turned to this guy who leaps at the chance and you missed my nipple. You were like five inches off. You rubbed my low belly. We are so excited to be part of the New York Comedy Festival. Brooklyn Academy of Music. How many people here are from Brooklyn in the audience tonight. We got a real Brooklyn people here, right? It is amazing. It is amazing. I used to live in Brooklyn. I lived in a very different Brooklyn than the one you're thinking about. I moved to Brooklyn when I first got my job at Saturday Night Live. We don't have to woo everything. Then I was murdered. Now I'm a ghost. Well, that's appropriate anyway. I came out here and I moved to Williamsburg in 1988.

It was not the Williamsburg you know today. It bore no resemblance. It was desolate. It was frightening. Have you seen the movie Dune? Brooklyn was like Dune then. There was a giant worm who was smart enough to buy his brownstone then. He's made a fortune. But I lived then, and I think my roommate at the time… Lynette, are you here tonight? Where are you? Yell. There's Lynette. Lynette Cortez. Lynette was my roommate at the time, and I took the apartment over the phone at you told me you've got to move to Williamsburg. It's amazing. It's up and coming. And I got there and didn't realize you meant it's up and coming in 25 years. Every day, I was almost murdered. But I went to the old neighborhood yesterday, and now it's just a giant piece of avocado toast. It's the whole building. But it's absolutely amazing. And I'm also just really impressed. I've been here 24 hours walking around Brooklyn, and everyone here is so self-satisfied. I'm serious. Everyone is like, I might recognize you, but I'm not going to say a thing. And I'm going, Hello, comedy guy, around 40 years, Simpsons, S. N.

O, Conans, blah. And they're like... And they act like they're not even sure Manhattan is a place. There are people I've met from Brooklyn who've never... Has anyone here from Brooklyn never been to Manhattan? Just tell me right now. Okay, that's a little too much. I went too far. It's so nice of you to be here tonight and it's so nice that so many people are listening to the podcast, which is something that came along late in my career. I am 84 years old and this is the fifth anniversary of us doing the podcast almost to the day. We wanted to do something special, which is why we're here. We are celebrating five years of doing the podcast. For me, it's been this miracle, this whole new life. It wouldn't have happened if I wasn't joined by two other people. Yeah. My accountant. And this real estate guy who's really smart. No, and I think we should bring them out here and acknowledge them and give them all the love they deserve because they make it really fun for me to do this podcast day in, day out. Let's get Sonomob, Cessian. Matt Gordley out here.

I always forget that Sona was... I made you go into show business. I mean, it was against your will, pretty much. You're my assistant. And then this whole thing because you just came out and you saw this whole audience and I think, Yeah, that's a good crowd. Yeah. I'm an old-time show-business guy. But you leaned in and you whispered in my ear just now, That's a lot of people. Yeah. Also, you know what? I was listening to you talk backstage. Do you think it's a coincidence that Brooklyn became cool after you left? Okay. There has been a noticeable dip in cool the last two days. I'm sure there has. I'm sure there has. I've not spent a lot of time here, but I've been having a blast. I really do love it. But yes, I do think everyone here is much better looking than I ever was, and they're much better dressed than I ever will be. I mean, it's very impressive. Yeah. I mean, pretty high bar is what I'm saying. Is it? Sorry. Come on. No, come on. I don't mean that. You're nice. Okay, that's nice. But it is. Also, I'm sure not everybody here is from Brooklyn.

No. There's a lot of people here who aren't from... People are from Staten Island. They're from Queens. We got some people. Who came from Manhattan? Winnipeg, Canada. Okay, here's a question. We talked to somebody outside who came all the way from... Winnipeg. Winnipeg. Canada. Winnipeg, in Canada. That's a long way. Where are you, Janel? Yeah, Janel's here. Okay. It's not… Yeah. Sorry. Okay, take it easy, Janel. There was five Janels out there just then. No, it's that Janel right there. She is out of control. No, people have come here tonight. There's someone from Guam. This is pretty amazing. Yeah, I made up. It's not true. I met CISA and Katie from North Carolina. There they are. You know what we're going to do? We're going to do a whole hour of randomly naming people. -you came from England? -england. -you lied. -wow. You came from England? Why? Don't do your accent. But you had other things to do in town, yes? You came just for this? Why? Jesus. Wow. You came from Tokyo? Now people are just lying. I came from Middle-Earth. What? The Eye of Sauron brought me here. Well, I hope you enjoy the show.

Why? Why woo that? That woo was so badly placed. That's a guy in line who was like, I'm going to woo at just the right time. Hey, look, these two on the extreme ends are like doppelgangers of each other. Look at this. That's true. Can people see them? Please stand and turn towards the crowd. Please, I demand it. Why are we doing this to people? Look at this. Because you stand. It's their strange doppelgang. They're alternate universe versions of each other, and they sat in the exact opposite universe seats from each other. Now, swap partners. Okay. We're going to film it for Dutch television. Oh, my God. I just saw that shirt that says BDE and it has a picture of your face on it. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh, no. Oh, no. What? No. What are you talking about? No. What do you mean no? Come on. Oh, please. You always act like some asexual creep. Well, you're half right. I'm still a little lost. Spell out BDE for him. He's all confused. My big dick energy. Oh, I think it's big dork energy. I didn't like that at all and the crowd didn't like it either.

I all know these guys got it going on downtown. I'm just a meandering fool. I came here on a different flight from you guys. I took four private jets to get here. I wanted my carbon footprint to be so large that it was four private jets just all masked tape together. You had space for the two of us. No, I know. I'd like to put my feet up. Actual Simpsons line. Anyway, no, I came here on American Airlines flight yesterday. Just shout out to AA. Give us those miles. What's that? Right. Give us those miles. Huh? Give us those miles. Yeah. Not money. Give us miles. So anyway, what's wrong with you? I just, I realized I asked for miles, but we could just be asking them for money. No. Okay. Well, no, they're not going to just give us money. Or miles. Yeah, or miles. But listen, I'm curious. I had a pleasant flight out. Did you guys travel together? Yeah, we did. Sona, do you mind if I speak somewhat freely about our trip in? Yeah. Okay. I don't know what you're going to say, but yeah. Well, we got on the plane and Sona goes, I'm going to take an edible.

Then about a half hour later, she goes, I'm not feeling anything. I'm going to take another edible. She puts on a movie. I put on a movie. Fifteen minutes later, I look over, she's watching the movie BlackBerry doing this. She was rave tripping and dancing to the movie BlackBerry. It's a drama, but that soundtrack slaps. How high did you get? I got really high. I should not have taken the second one. I found that out. The third one was a big mistake. Do you routinely take edibles before you fly? Yeah, it's so I could sleep. Well, you weren't sleeping. You were doing the robot while you watched the movie BlackBerry. Yeah, but after it ended, I went to sleep for a long time. Yeah, it's nice. Okay, all right. I felt good. I had a good time on that. How do you feel now? I feel good now. But you wouldn't do edibles before you came out and doing a show, right? No, I feel like… Have you ever done that before you've done a podcast? No, I have not. I know everyone probably thinks I do because I laugh. Well, now the way you say that, we do.

Yeah, no, but I don't. That is me in my sober mind, but I should. How fun would that be, though? Wouldn't we have a good time? I think it would be no different. Okay. It's true. There's no difference. I've seen you completely wasted and there's no difference. Yeah, that's true. You're both good parents because I will point out that last night, we were... No, I was being honest. Last night, we were out to dinner and both of you were showing me because you're away from your young kids. You were both showing me your baby monitors that you have on your phone, which is something my parents never checked in on me in my entire lifetime. They still don't know who I am or what I do. But you are looking, you're in Brooklyn, and you were looking at your children sleeping in Los Angeles. Yeah, it's nice. It's nice to be able to look at them at any point. My daughter had a book on her head. I noticed that. There was a large book, like an Encyclopedia Britannica, was resting on, I'm not kidding, resting on her head as she slept and you went, I should go call my wife.

This was like an eight-pound book was lying on her head. It's the only way she'll sleep. It's like the weighted blanket, but you don't want to spring for that. We're educating her through osmosis. She doesn't go to school. Put Warren Peace on her head and she goes out like a light. Yeah, sleep school. Warren Peace. You did take an edible. I didn't. Why are you laughing at Warren Peace? I don't know. It just reading that to a little two-year-old, come on, that's funny. You're right. Yeah. Yeah, okay. That's funny. I wish you had been part of my career a long time ago. I know a lot of young fans primarily know the podcast, but I could have used you in 1993 just laughing and looking at the crowd back when people didn't like me very much and say, Come on, it's funny. I don't know what I have found you. That would have helped me a lot. I don't know if I would have found you funny back then. Oh, God. Jesus. -1993. -body blow after body blow. I know, I'm mean. This woman's cheering me up again. Hi, how are you? I've got that...

I'm sorry. I meant, I... I've got that big dick energy over here. I'm not worried about anything. If you made jokes like that. What's that? If you made jokes like that in '93. Back in '93? Yeah. No one knew what BDE was back then. That's true. That's a new one. No one talked about penises back then. Now it's all we talk about. Back then, it was a forbidden subject. Yeah, that's sad. We didn't even have them back then. I would have found you funny. Okay, that's nice. That's a great end to that little conversational circle right there. Thank you, Sona. Thank you for right here in front of this giant hall of fantastic people at the comedy festival at probably the very end of my career saying you would have found me funny. Appreciate it. You're welcome. Okay, guys, we can pull this together. Come on. Okay, let's pull it together. I want you two to make up. I think it's time. I love you. You know that. I love you, too. And I think you're very funny. You're a funny guy. I think you have a very promising career ahead of you. Okay, thank you.

You're a fool. I think it's time that we get this show really cooking. Not that it's not cooking already, but I think it's time that we maybe dim the lights and bring out our surprise guests. Hello. We are Please Don't destroy. And we feel too young to be Conan O'Brien's friend. Garland. Brooklyn. I want to thank you guys. These people left work at Saturday Night Live where they're doing a show this week to be here for the most important night of your lives and show business. Yeah, baby. So if the show is not good this week, don't be upset. Yeah. We're sorry we're not more famous. You felt like a big build-up there. You may know us from our hit show Workaholics. Hello. I'm glad to be here. I am a massive fan of you, gentlemen, and I am so thrilled that you would be here tonight. Seriously, you know that. I'm so lucky to be here. One of the things I was like, going over here... Because first of all, we have something in common. I worked at SNL long before you guys were born back when it was a radio show. Yes, President Roosevelt would come on and say, Now for the big show.

And there were sketches and things, and it was a very different time. I was telling the crowd a little bit about that back in the day. And you guys work there and you make these incredible comedy shorts. But I have to tell you, you shoot them in the actual office that's identical to the office that I worked in. Mine was just down the hall from the one that you guys do your show in. All your shorts, which have gone viral that you do, they're in this room where I felt the greatest terror and dread of my life. So when everyone else watches those sketches, they love them. And when I watch them, I have to say I have to come over a lot of PTSD to appreciate what you got to just get into the comedy a little bit because it's horrifying. It's a tough job. No, it's not. Not for us. Not for us, you're right. I'm saying it's the hardest job anyone's ever done. It's funny, when you're talented, it's not that hard. I don't know. But I'm sorry you felt that way. Yeah, that's so sad. I just would try and try and nothing would happen, and then you guys...

No, it can be really stressful. Yeah, I know what you mean. Yeah, thanks. Do you look back fondly on your time at SNL? Is it one of your favorite? I was a magical time. I was like you guys. I was super young and I was working there and I couldn't believe that I... I remembered the thing about SNL is they throw you right in the deep end of the pool. Did you have that experience, too? You show up and I didn't feel qualified for anything and I got hired. The first day they're like, Steve Martin's in that room. Go pitch him a joke. Go pitch him a sketch. I would say, You shouldn't send me in there. I'm an idiot. I still have acne. I'm 23. I shouldn't be allowed in a room with that man. No one's fed me. I remember that part being just amazing. I loved it. It was scary and terrifying, but at the same time, I felt like it was an incredible experience. Totally. Nobody tells you anything about the show. There's no rules going into it. When we shot our first video, J. C. Penney, Heart, Seltzer, we... For those listening on audio, Jon made the audience clap.

Yeah. -no, -And they still didn't, really. No, it was fine. They didn't know it. Whatever. It doesn't matter. I don't know what that is. Thank you. Thank you. There's a family in the top row. No, we just did that on our own because when we got hired, they were like... They had seen our videos on Twitter and TikTok and stuff, and they were like, Yeah, maybe you'll do some of those, because we were just hired as writers. We just took it upon ourselves to go shoot this thing. Then we showed it to producers and they were like, Yeah, maybe we'll show it. Then they showed it and then it did well and then it got on the air. But we didn't know that going into it. Yeah, and it was the Kim Kardashian episode. Yeah. Which is like, I don't imagine that's what her audience wanted to see. These three ghost white boys. They're talking about funny, hard, silter brands. Who has been the guest star? I'm guessing, I think I know the answer, but who you've worked with that has been the most intimidating, the biggest star that you've worked with? You think you know the answer?

I think I do. Do you think it's yourself? I know it's myself. No, I've actually never did a thing with you guys on the show, so no, it couldn't have been me. -oh, wow. You didn't know that? No. I'm that unimportant to you that you thought maybe I've done something. I thought, wow. I knew you from somewhere. All right, well, yeah. I'm curious who you think it is. Well, come on, Taylor Swift. That was Matt, too. Yes. No, no. Steve and Marty. Okay, that's a good answer, yeah. -and Taylor Swift, obviously. -taylor Swift, definitely. But that's too big that it's beyond like, I couldn't understand it. And I just want to have a quick check-in. Martin, have you spoken yet? No, I have not. Okay. Just a quick little check-in with Martin. Martin, where do you go? What's up, bud? Where do you go in these moments, these long moments where you disappear? You were like this. Yeah. Got to say something at some point, Marty. I can't have a conversation with you in front of zero people. There's like a million here. But yeah, Taylor Swift was- I think you should stop right there.

Thank you, guys. I think it'd be great. I also think it'd be great if you were hooked to a rope and you sailed up and out. It was an exit that cost us like $30,000 and just wasn't worth it. You guys started together, NYU, and you guys were making, and this is an amazing thing about this era. When I was starting out, you couldn't, I mean, I don't have to explain that, everyone knows you couldn't make a video and put it on the internet. There was no internet-not yet, but I envy that. I envy your ability to workshop stuff and put it out there and get responses from people. We just did things bits in alleys for each other. When you were at the -For sexual favors. Right. You were etching into a tablet. When you were at the lampoon and you wrote stuff, would other students come up to you being like, That's really funny? Not often, no. No. That was the thing is I was in college and I was writing stuff for the college humor magazine. Every now and then, someone would accidentally get it and read it and be like, Oh, I think you have a funny name.

I think I read something about that guy with a funny name, and I think that amused me slightly. But no, I didn't get that fix at an early age at all. I didn't get that for many years. Still didn't get it. Just never came. That's what I said. Never really happened. Never really came together for me. But we... Yeah, go ahead. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. -shut up. -shut up. -shut up. Hang on. I always had an idea for an improv character who just goes, Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Just dominates every scene. Then he's got a bad attitude like, No one can top me on stage. Yeah, a character. That's the loop that's playing in my head right now. Shut up. Shut up. Shut the fuck up. Get on the drums, dude. Yeah, shit. No, I can't do any of that. What a great show business thing. Hey, show them that thing you do on the drums. I don't do anything on the drums. Curton down. If you guys need help loading that shit out later, then I could maybe do.

Look, the important thing is you're having this incredible success. These videos are everywhere. People yell at you on the street, catch phrases from your videos. Yes, they do. What's the one you hear the most? Sad Virgin. I get that too. But you get it for a different reason. You did a sketch that relates to Sad Virgin. Totally. And it's not even true. Right. We're not sad. I did that joke on The Tonight Show last night. Yeah, baby. That's awesome. If you got it, fire it up. All right, by the time this thing airs, I would have forgotten all about that shit. Now, listen. Well, you don't have any history with The Tonight Show, do you? What happened with that? Yeah, I thought you were doing that. Let me tell you. Let's get into that. He just couldn't handle too much comedy. It was a different time. You guys were like three when that happened. Yeah, I know. You don't care. That's how I know Sona from the Can't Stop documentary. Yeah, that's right. Oh, yeah. Sona was in Conra, Brian, Can't Stop. You were high there, too. I was. I was eating. You drank a lot on that tour.

I was eating the whole time. I was high a lot and I was drunk a lot. Yeah. You're welcome. Best assistant I've ever had. My favorite photo, and I kept it and I have it taped up, is there's a photo of 15 people who got backstage at some event, and I'm taking a number of giant selfies with them, and in the foreground, Sona's drinking the largest glass of white wine you've ever seen, not helping me in any way. You're welcome. Yeah. Have you guys ever smoked together? Smoked weed? No. No. What about heroin? Yeah, of course. Oh, that we do all the time. Yeah. Heroin is a very quick, sustained high. It's fantastic. Are you okay, man? What about heroin? We have to go back to work after this. We do. It's writing night at SNL. Listen, Lauren won't know. He's not there. Lauren shows up Saturday at one o'clock in the afternoon. What's happening? None of this. We'll cut it out. Sure, it'll be fine. Did Conan say that? What's he doing? Is he still in the business? Can't he just age naturally? So anyway, Lauren came to an audition. That's how you got on SNL.

Yes. And did you know he was in the audience when you auditioned for Lauren? We did. We had been making a bunch of videos online on Twitter and TikTok and stuff, and those had started getting some attention from people at the show. Then yeah, they were like, Hey, Lauren is going to come see your show at this basement improv theater in New York. It was terrifying. He had a mask on. It was right at the end of COVID. A Nixon mask. He used to do that to try and throw off performers. I'm Nixon. You are really good at impressions, my friend. Yeah, that's my Nixon. It was similar to your lawn. Not really. Very different impression. Yeah. Ask me for another one. Kat Williams. What's that? Here I am. I'm Kat Williams. And now I'm Obama. Kat Williams. Where did you come up with that? I love Kat Williams. So anyway, you knew he was going to be in the audience. You were terrified, but it worked out. It worked out. He came back stage after the show and he shook our hands and was like, I think I'll be seeing you soon. I don't know why you're laughing.

It's not a joke. Who fucking laughed at that? Bring all the lights on. We're getting to the bottom of this. Get him out. We start going through people one by one. You from Tokyo. You came all the way from Tokyo. People came from Tokyo. They did? Yeah. And they got us? The guest is Please don't destroy. Man, you were on the flight over being like, It's Shirley, Tina Fee. Those guys have made three videos. Come on, you're the hip, cool thing. You're up and coming. You're on the edge. You'll see. It's all going your way. Hey, I was part of you at a very successful tour this summer, and you asked me to drop by. Yeah. I did. You guys did a show in DC, and I came to that show and I watched you guys and you killed it. You were hilarious. Your sketches are fantastic. Thanks, Conan. You were so… That was awesome. Then you brought me on stage and humiliated me. I don't think that it was humiliating. Yeah, it was fantastic. It was a great idea. It was also funny that we had you fly out to DC to be in the show and then told you when you were there, we had a show in LA the next week.

They did. That's a true story. Which is where you live. They told me, There's a spot for you in DC. I said, I really like these kids. I flew from LA to DC and backstage they said, We're at the Wiltern Theater in two weeks, which is 22 minutes from my house. If I'm crawling on my belly, it's 22 minutes. Anyway, it was nice. I enjoyed the flight from LA to DC is the best flight. Oh, my God. I didn't know they made a commercial airlineer that small and narrow. Yeah, they projected a movie for everybody to watch. They did it old school. But anyway, I came and I was really impressed with your sketches. They're very original, they're very cool, and I just loved it. I loved being part of it. You know what's funny is you also didn't you have a three-man sketch group back in the day with Odenkirk and... Robert Smygell, Odenkirk? It wasn't Three Man. We had a bunch of other people, but we did it in Chicago. It was called Happy Happy Good Show. We did a lot of the things on stage that audiences at the time didn't like that much, but they ended up being on The Late Night show.

Year 2000 was- Hell, yeah. We used to do that in Chicago, and that was in the summer of '88. It was a blast. Then who knew? I always thought Bob Odenkirk was one of the funniest people ever. Now he's one of the world's greatest actors. I was like, I didn't know. I had no idea. I'm so happy for him. Somebody tagged us in a photo of the three of you and was like, This is Please Don't destroy. Yeah, those are good times. The tour was a big success. We had a lot of fun. It was fun. You did something in that that I thought was like this new... I could tell it was a new level of comedy that things have changed, which is you, when you're done with this sketch, you just say, and it does really well. Everyone's laughing. You went, Okay, so that was that one. We don't want to waste people's time. We don't want to waste people's time. I thought, Who does that? Who does that? And you guys do it. I was talking to other comedy friends of mine, and we said, I didn't know we could do that.

We could just say, Okay, that's that one. It makes me think back to all the years where I struggled to think of… I did an ending for a sketch. It's fake because endings are often terrible for a sketch. We would work really hard and come up with an ending and be like, Well, I guess we sure are the mouse family. Then they would cut to GE Smith, the guitarist, going… They would go to commercial break and I would just be… We would force America to applaud at ending. I watched the endings to my sketches now and I feel… It's so embarrassing. It was a waste of time. Yeah. Thanks. I was a drowning man and you threw me an anvil. I remember when we were in college, John and I were on a sketch group together that the years-long format was that you would black out the lights at the end of a sketch and the whole group would dance together while people are changing. That's a war crime. It was humiliating. I think it's in response to that. I think we rebelled against it. Just tripping it down. Yeah, so you just said, yes, you just learn.

I mean, Mining Python figured out in 1969, you can just say, and now for something completely different. I thought they broke the sound barrier. Then the United States, we just kept plotting along with, Well, I guess we do have big bottoms. Then music would play and everyone's like, I guess that was an ending. No, it was really fun being on tour. It was fun meeting people in person who have seen us in our videos because people would always ask us like, Are you guys really best friends in real life? The truth is, almost all of us are. Let's just get through this, guys. Don't know who the odd man out is, so we'll have to figure that out. No, for real, these are genuinely some of my coworkers. Do you like those bits? I did like those bits. Thanks, Conan. Yeah, we planned them. You guys must be super excited to be sitting with me. Yeah. Okay. No, I genuinely want to pander to get the crowd to cheer, but Conan O'Brien is the best to ever do it, and we love him so much. Absolutely. It's not pandering at all. No, we're not pandering.

No. I said that as written. It was just contractual. You guys were very nice because, and this is where we have to be delicate because there is a strike happening right now, which I think is going to get resolved, I hope, any hour now, any second now. But so we're not promoting things. But I did work on a project with you guys, a project that may be projected at some point. What the fuck, man? I'm not a protest. That was mad. That was mad. I want attention. Have we boxed you guys out this whole time? No. No. Okay. We're really having a good time over here. I'm very much the Martin of this group. Yeah. Right. It feels like the three of you have a good thing on you. All of us out here that are two that refuse to speak. You guys invited me. Are you talking about the auto worker strike? No, I'm talking about the sag after strike. We're trying to respect that and not talk about, say, an upcoming project. I've been told to use the word project that might be coming out soon involving you, gentlemen. You were kind enough to ask me to be part of it to play one of your fathers, one of you.

I can't say. I got the call and I am a big fan, and was thinking it would be, Oh, that's cool. Then I read the script for the project, and I said the script, which would then create the project, which will be projected in maybe some room and other rooms across the country. I said, Oh, that's really funny. I would love to do that. I was honored that you guys chose me from the literally tens of thousands of people that look just like you, Ben. We had so many options. It was me or Ron Howard. We've been snarky, but we love you, Kona. For real, when we were doing, without honestly promoting it too much, we were in the midst of trying to figure out what the role was going to be, we were like, going out to a bunch of people like Paul Rudd was-Oh, yeah. But I felt like-Because you've used him in a lot of your stuff. -yeah. -we worked with him at S. L. And he's the best. -yeah. -he's terrific. He just wasn't... It just wasn't like a fit. It didn't work for the... It wasn't right. But we love him.

But we love him. He's great. How Jerry. Hey, Paul. Oh, God. Oh, hey. Hey, Paul. Hi, Paul? Hey. What's going on? Oh. Hi. Thank you. Hello. Hi. Hi. Hi. No, please, sit down. Please sit down. Thank you. No, they sat down a while ago. Yeah. They're probably listening on their phones. They don't know no one was standing up. And don't take it for… They were doing that for all the guests tonight, so. Look, I wasn't anticipating coming out. I thought I would just be standing in the wings, not saying a word, much like Martin. But then I heard what was going on, and I felt... I needed to say something, right? I mean- We're sorry, Paul- I needed to state my case. Well, they just said that you weren't a good fit and that they thought I was the better fit for it, that's all. Right. No, I got that. By the way, they have every right. What the hell? Come on. Yeah! It's fucking ridiculous. Please continue. They have every right to cast their project in any way they want. Of course, they're the creative minds, and I think they made a great choice.

But look, I have a subscription to Drumalog. I get the breakdowns through my agency, The Savage Agency. I know what's going on out there in the industry. And so I heard about the project, and I'm like, Hey, this sounds great. I should just reach out and say, Great, I'd love to be a part of this. They said, Terrific. We'd love for you to come in and audition. I said, Guys, come on. I mean, look, I was in Halloween sixth. I'm off her only. But they wanted to see it, which I get, I understand, I said, Well, here's the problem. I can't come in right now because, well, we're in the middle of a lockdown. It's COVID. To which you guys said, and I will never forget this, you said, That's not a real thing. I remember that. They were very… Yes. I said, No, it's very much a real thing. In fact, I have it right now. I'm wearing a Nixon mask and everything. That's called a callback. We're learning a lot about comedy tonight. Hey, everyone with microphones, toast. Hey. Wow! What a great experience. There was nothing weird about that. Not at all.

I said, All right, well, look, here's the deal. I can't come in, but I could probably audition. I could do this remote. I'm here with my elderly mother, and maybe if you send me the pages, I could put together something, I can work with her. Obviously, I felt good about this because as I did know elderly people, they're not affected by COVID. Yes, exactly. So we worked on the audition, and I was really proud of it. I was really excited. And I said, All right, well, just I'm filming it. I can put a link. I'll give you a password and I'll send it off. And then I never heard anything, which was a little upsetting because I thought it was pretty good. If you're interested, you guys can be the judge. And maybe you can see whether or not I was right for the part or not. I don't know. I don't know. I feel pretty secure that I nailed it, but let's see what you did with it. Should we do that? Yeah. Is that all right with you guys? Fine. Let's do it. Yeah. Let's do it. All right, well, let's see his audition.

Let a rip. I can't keep it away from you. I can't keep it away from you. Now, I get that my mom throws it off. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Paul Rudd, eternal thanks to them. My eternal thanks to you. Please don't destroy for stopping by. Thank you, guys. Be honest, the second you saw Paul Rudd, who knew? Yeah. But it still doesn't matter, does it? You're just waiting. Even I was like, Oh, I can't wait. Yeah. I know it's going to happen. -it's the set-up. -but I want it to happen. Yeah, he's really invested in the setup, too. You're like, Maybe it is an audition tape. No, it's not. No, he could go on for maybe four hours talking and then working his way slowly to it, and I'd still be happy to see that. He's been doing that, I think, for maybe 15 years to me. Someone did a mash-up. Have you ever seen the mash-up online? Yeah. Do you have any one? Why are you holding that boy? Do all of those work right now? One, two, three. Okay. Just in case I need them. Okay. Well, that was delightful. That was delightful.

You know what else is delightful? What? We have some big news. We do. Celebrating this five-year anniversary, which we've learnedWe've learned it's called the quinquenial celebration. Yeah, we are celebrating, and this is what we've done. Ladies and gentlemen. I have a card. What's that? I was like, Yeah, I have a card. Someday you'll have a card that doesn't say anything on it. It says queue set-up. I don't have business. Ladies and gentlemen, we're here to announce that to celebrate our five years, all new original content, we are coming out with a vinyl record. Conra Bryant Needs a Friend. Quinquenial celebration. There I am on the cover. Yes, that's my orgasm face. Shock and sad surprise every time. Every time. Many times a day. Anyway, it's a limited edition vinyl. Only 1,500 copies are going to be made. Yeah, that's right. And it's vinyl. If you want to celebrate the future, it's cool. I think it's very cool. Also, we listened to it the other day. It's stuff that hasn't happened on the podcast. It's all new. There's some stuff in there I really like. The pre-order is going to start tomorrow at 11:00 AM Eastern Standard Time at newberrycomics.

Com/conon, and these are going to come out. But I think it's cool. I'm glad that we have a record coming out. I think it's neat. Yeah, like you said, it's all original content. It's also a little bit more jujjed up than normal. It's got some music, some production and stuff. We wanted to make it a little bit more quality. It makes the podcast we do every week look shitty. Yeah. Or exposes just how shitty it is. Exposes how shitty it is. It holds a magnifying glass up to how little is there. So you want to get this or you don't have to. There's 15. What are you doing? I don't like to oversell. I would prefer you not get this. Conan. There's a lot of things to spend money on. These are probably very cheap, but still, you could buy... I don't know what you could buy in Brooklyn, but you could buy four cups of coffee or this vinyl. I don't know. Yeah, I know, but it's going to be cool. Yeah. And you should get it, guys. I shouldn't have said don't buy it. Yes. People are going to be upset because people worked hard on it, and it's very high quality.

I wouldn't buy it. I don't know why anyone advertises on our podcast. I don't either. Because I'm a bit terrible at doing advertising. I just like to have fun. And a lot of the times I find out, yeah, they're still going to stick with you, even though you mocked the product and said it will kill people. They're still sticking with us. But yeah, don't buy this. It's great. It's good vinyl. Get it. Get the vinyl. Just stop. Don't get the vinyl. Stop. We're losing sales as we speak. Don't buy it. Okay, stop. Buy it. Get it. It's great. It's really good. It's got a lot of good stuff on it. I wouldn't get it if I were you. Get the vinyl. It's very good. Excellent. It's got a lot of fun, surprises. I really am saying sincerely by it. Okay, good. End there. Okay. This is terrible. I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't do it. Sorry, I'm just trying to see how far I can go. Please. Okay, I'll stop. I'll stop. Get it. You're done. Make sure you get it. Okay. I have to get it. Holidays are coming up. You want a holiday gift?

But then think of all the other gifts you could get someone for the holidays. Just all the other vinyl. There's so many things you could get someone for the holidays. How do you even know they have a record player? I swear to God, someone backstage was like, Mention the holidays. I wouldn't give someone a final record as a gift. What are the chances they have a record player? There's one in five? One in 10? That's pushing it. Oh, I know you guys are cool and you have them. No. No. Stop. Don't get it. Get the record. It's great. It's great. Okay, we're going to move on. Yep. Okay. All set. Ready to go. What's next? For our next segment. -no, no, I'm all set. Okay, for our next segment, we are going to listen to some very special pre-selected voicemails. Oh, these are voicemails. -here live. -these are people with real questions. Okay. And these are coming to us over the phone line, is that correct? Yeah, live over the phones. -cool. -yeah, definitely over the phones being piped in from somewhere else, even though here they come down the center aisle. First up, Matilda Meyer.

Hi, welcome. Hi, Matilda. How are you? Good, how are you guys? My question for you guys, if you guys woke up and you were a chair one day, who would you let sit on you? This is my favorite question. Who would we let sit on us? What is wrong with you? I feel sexually harassed right now. If I was a chair, is that the question? If you were a chair, who would you want to sit? What? Okay, so you go first, Gorly, go. Oh, no, no. Yeah, let's have it. Oh, well, I mean, there's two ways to approach this question. Oh, God. I'm going to take the non-sexual way. Okay, Cher. Wait, what? I panicked. What did you say? I said Cher. Cher. Because it rimes with Cher? Is that the only reason you chose it? Maybe. I'm having a real tough time. Okay, Cher. That's a good answer. She's an iconic, hey, Armerian superstar. Yeah, she is. Yeah, that's cool. That's a good answer. That would have been one of my answers. You can have it. No, you have to come up with your own. I mean, mine's obviously slash, the love of my life.

I mean, besides my husband. Besides my husband. But no, slash, who's my boyfriend. But you want him to sit on you. Yeah. I do. Wouldn't you want Slash to sit on you? No, I love his music, but that doesn't translate to I want his ass on me. It doesn't translate. Is that what you're talking? I don't want… Yeah. I think it would have to be a historical figure for me. I would want to say… Oh, God. Yes. Who? What? Come on. I would want it to be a historical figure. Because I'm mature, I want them to be very light. So there's not a lot of weight. A very small historical figure. Napoleon? Napoleon. When I could say, Napoleon sat on me, that's a big deal. Did it hurt? No. He's like 5'1. This is after his retreat from Russia and he's lost a lot of weight. It's a very light Napoleon. Yeah. His feet are dangling. His feet are dangling and he's kicking them. He's like, I am the emperor. He's dangling his feet. I'm a chair that's animated so I can laugh at him. You're pretty small there, buddy. This chair is laughing at me.

I do not like it. I don'tWhat's that? Your French impression is good. I like it. Oh, this chair is laughing at me. I don't like it. That's right. That's our really good French accent. No one does better accents than Sona and Conan. I think we've answered your question. Thank you, Matilde. It's very nice to meet you, Matilda. Thank you. Next up, Kevin Smith. How's it going, guys? All right. If you guys were to do a group Halloween costume, what would you do? What the hell is going on here? I like that one. I like both of these so far. No, they're very creative, but we never had all the questions be… This is interesting. This is great. These are really interesting questions. Now, if we were a group Halloween costume? Yeah, a Cher, Slash, and Napoleon. Human centipede. No. Human centipede. Napoleon. Human celebrity. Yes, human celebrity. You are a celebrity, though. You would dress up like another celebrity. Is that what you mean? I'm a celebrity. I'm at the front. I'm a Napoleon. No, I want to be at the front. No, I called the front. Come on, don't put me at the middle.

I'm at the front going, I am Napoleon. I am leading this army of three. Oh, man. And then-Not me in the middle. I won't do the middle. Well, the middle is still better than the end. No, the middle is the worst. If you both die, I'm just stuck. -you're in the middle. -who actually watched human centipede here? Anybody? I've seen it. Wow, that's awful. That's one of the most awful things. Remember, when we were on tour, it came out and you went to the back of the tour bus and watched it with Megan and you guys watched you and Centipede and you came out and it's like you had seen the face of death. You came out. Your minds were just wiped clean. And the internet was spotty, so it would keep buffering, and it took us four hours to watch it. Oh, God. Yeah. So what do you think of our answer? Fantastic. Okay. All right. Thank you very much, Sarah. Thank you, Kevin. Nice to meet you. My name is Sangele Sengkul. I'm a huge fan of you all. Conan and I made a sculpture of your face in high school, but that's not my question.

Wait, well, I'd like to ask a few questions about that before we get to your question. That bears a follow-up question. That makes sense. And where are you from? From Long Island. Okay, you're from Long Island. And... Woo. I just added one woo because there were so few. You made a sculpture of me in high school, and everyone got to choose what they got to sculpt. And how did it go over with the teacher when you said... First of all, did the teacher know that it was Conan O'Brien or do you think that it was someone else? So we had to bring an example photo. So of course, I brought you. Everyone brought Greek figures, Taylor's twins. I brought Conan O'Brien. Sona, I don't know why you're laughing. Everyone brought great figures. It sounded like she said everyone else brought great figures. Yeah, that's what she said. I didn't detect that at all. I detected she said, Like everyone else, I brought a great figure. Exactly. Was the teacher okay with it being me? Be honest. He was a little weird about it, but he liked it. Okay, all right. And what was the medium that you use?

What was it made of? Cardboard. Wait, I'm sorry. How do you make a sculpture out of cardboard? That's not a sculpture. Did you draw something on a box and then you panicked when you got to the microphone and said sculpture? No, it was 3D. It stood on its own. It was beautiful. A little creepy, but beautiful. Yeah, it's like you. Why was it creepy? Because I made it, not because of you, of course. Okay, no, I would love to see it. You still have it? I think I have a photo of it. I will send it to you soon as well. But the original must have meant so much to you. I don't know why you would have gotten rid of it. It's in storage. It has an insurance policy. Thank you. That was so good and so fast. Thank you. It's like the Rose Bud Sled in Citizen K. Okay, well, that's very nice. That's very cool. Let's hear your question? Sure. My question was, when you get to New York, what's your first stop for food? Oh, that's a really good question. I have to say, my super guilty pleasure is the Chinese food on the Upper West Side in New York like shunli.

They don't have anything like that in Los Angeles. And true story, I don't want to get in trouble, but this is a true story. I was so happy about shunli that I took all my writers when we did a week of shows at the Apollo Theater a couple of years ago, I took them all to Sun Lee for a big dinner. And we all had a big dinner, and we closed the place down. We were the last people to leave, and we all left. And it was a really great night. In the morning, one of the top stories in The New York Post was Sun Lee raided for health violations. Oh, really? I'm serious. The raid happened after we left. Now, I have gone there since because apparently it was a problem, it was fixed and blah, blah, blah. But it was the next day in the paper that they... I think we left at 11:15, and it said at 1:15 in the morning, just after this tall, red-haired woman left, they raided Cheun Lee. But I have to say, that's my guilty pleasure is that really that Chinese food that would be unrecognizable in China.

They would say, That's not Chinese food. What have you done to this? But it's absolutely amazing. And you go there and everything is really goopy and sugary. I'm not selling it well. I'm selling it about as don't go there is what I'm saying. After you don't buy the vinyl, don't go to Chennai. No, I'm going to make sure I'm legally safe here. They took care of that. They took care of whatever that problem was, and I've been to Stanley since, and it's a great place. Also, I think Vinyl is coming back. There you go. How was that? Did that go okay? That was perfect. Why does your microphone keep going… Your microphone is getting depressed. Okay, thank you very much. It was very nice to meet you. Thank you, Sandula. Thank you. Sean? Are you Sean? That's me. What is your name, sir? Sean. Sean. So my question is something that my wife and I have been feuding over the last couple of months. We're wondering if it's okay to name a child after your pet. Name a child after… Wait, whose pet? Our pet. What's the pet's name? Zelda. Well, wait a minute. Zelda is a nice name.

Is the pet still alive? Yeah, she's four. The pet is a dog or a cat? Oh, she's a dog. You have a dog that's alive? Yes. And that's young for a dog for? Yeah. What breed is the dog? She is a black Lab. Black Lab, okay. You have a black Lab that's going to live for a long time, named Delta. You want to name your child? We don't have any children. Yeah. So this is a hypothetical? I think-Do you realize how precious this time is? We were just wondering maybe your answer could help sway us. Because you're thinking of naming a child, Zelda. Well, it's a feud, so I would love to. She doesn't. But you don't know if there's going to be a child any time in the future. I think your answer may help determine. A lot of pressure. But that's more pressure than people coming from England to see this show. I'm going to say no. I think the crowd's with me on this. Because if you have a child anytime in the near future and this dog and the child co-exist and you're constantly saying, Bad Zeld, bad Zeld, your daughter grows up traumatized.

I disagree. Wait, you disagree? You disagree? Yeah, I disagree. My kid's name is Charlie, and my dad had a dog named Charlie growing up. Well, that's different time. But that's a different time. First of all, his entire future hinges on this answer, and you're saying don't have children. No. I didn't say don't have children. All I said… I know those have children, but don't name the child Zelda if it co-exists with the dog. The dog named Zelda and the child named Zelda cannot co-exist at the same time. It's just wrong. No, but the dog is going to die. Where are you getting these mics? How many mics are there here in Brooklyn? This is insanity. Can you not change the dog's name? You can't change a four-year-old dog's name. I've tried. But the daughter could be Junior. What? Yes. The daughter is going to be Junior? Yeah. Go sit down. Yeah, you're just a monster. No offense. And you come back when you're ready to apologize. This is time none of us will ever have back. I'm going to watch you. This boy, he just really did like… Yeah, he left the theater. I just picture him walking all the way home.

His wife is like, What happened? Oh. I was thrown out of the theater. Oh, my God, that was fantastic. Hello, what's your name? Hello. My name is Brenna. Hi, Brenna. I hope the stakes of my question are going to be far lower than whatever just happened. I think it would just be refreshing to not be speaking to a sociopath. Well, no problem. What if her question is, is it okay to name your child after your other child? I don't know. I think that's okay, actually. Yeah. No, I wanted to know for each of you, who was your childhood crush? I didn't think that was an odd question. A real person? No, that's a nice question. Like a celebrity or a- Do you mean a real person or a celebrity? I didn't mean a real person. I mean, like, celebrity, the character even. Yeah, I think it's got to be celebrity because I could have answered that question because if I say, Oh, it was Laura Capro, everyone goes like, Well, that was a waste of time. Who, though, cares about Laura Capro? Laura's family? Well, no, I love Laura Capro. I throw out a name of a girl I fancied back in the day, but I'm just telling you...

That that wouldn't be, I would assume that would not be the- -Satisfying. -yeah, satisfying to people. First of all, why don't you tell us? Did you have a celebrity crush growing up? Well, it's not a celebrity, but I realized that my childhood crush actually has some physical similarities to you, Conan. It was a- Wait a minute. This could go… Wait a minute. Let me tell you from experience, this can go very badly. You had a crush on Slender Man? Yeah. That was very close. There was a balloon outside a car dealership. Very close. Gumby. And I wanted to marry him. Jack Skellington from Nightmare Before Christmas. He's not real. I am Jack Skellington. I'm also Herme the Elf from the San. There's a couple of people that I've been through history. But okay, that's a good answer. Pretty poorly? Well, when I was a kid, I had a crush on Pippie Longstocking. This has come up before. Yeah, we talked about this in the podcast. And then also Blondie. I split my time between Blondie and Pippie. Blondie, the singer. Yeah. Okay, that makes sense. I'm Jordan Knight from New Kids on the Block. Yeah, all right.

You guys get it. He was like my first… What? Huh? Oh, Dorchester. You're from there, near there? Why are you pronouncing it wrong if you're from there? It's Dorchester. Dorchester. Well, I loved him. But again, slash, who I mentioned earlier was like my sexual awakening. They were both very pivotal in the person that I became. Right. Mine was Jordan Knight. I was 50 at the time. Oh, God. Yeah, I have a weird one, which is I really had a crush on Sally Field. Oh, that's not weird. No, here's the weird thing. It's when she was playing a nun. Oh, God. That's so- And I was raised very Catholic. There was a show a million years ago, maybe called The Flying Nun, and she was adorable. And I was like, I have a crush on her. And she was a nun. That's so loaded. It's just so loaded. And then I remembered thinking, Oh, no. Okay, what does that mean that that's who I... I know you don't choose these things, but then, fortunately, Jordan Knight came along and I was able to move on. Can it be someone in animation? Who in animation? Who? I don't know.

Wall-e. Wall-e's cute. He is so cute. Did you ever have a crush on an animated figure? You know, my friends and I, for a hot second, were into the X- Men guys, but the cartoon version. We were really into gambit. Wait, so from just drawings? Just drawings. Yeah, that makes sense to me. It does? It's going to do. Yeah, I can see that. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I can't think of any others, but there have been a few cartoons where I'm like, Yeah, you can get it. Well, thank you for your question. I hope we answered it. Good luck with your next sculpture. Okay, well- Because that's all the time we have for our show. Can I say something? I'm sorry. I said cartoons? I meant comic books. Well, that saved it. Yeah. You guys have been a fantastic crowd. Thank you very much for being here tonight. You've been really nice. I think it's time that we let people go home. So in a million, Matt Gordy. Happy five. We always like to end things on this sweet note. So we'll do that right now. You can feel free to file out if you don't want to hear me sing because a lot of people don't.

It goes like this. Follow us here. Hear the ever. Back to school. Ring the bell. Brand new shoes. Walk and lose. Climb the fence. Book some pens. I can tell that we are going to be friends. I can tell that we are going to be friends. Sing it if you know it. Walk with me, Susie Lee, through the park, by the tree, we will rest on the ground. We looked at all the bugs we found. Safely walked to school without a sound. I said, same they walked to school without a sound. Here we are, no one else. We walked to school by ourselves. There's dirt on our uniforms from playing with the answer-worms. We clean up now. We clean up now, it's time to learn. We clean up and now it's time to learn. Here we go. We don't notice any time pattern. We don't notice anything. We sit side by side in every class. Teacher thinks that I sound. It might sound funny, but she loves the way you sing. Tonight, I dream when I'm in bed, silly thoughts go through my head. About the bugs and alphabet. When I wake tomorrow, I bet that you and I will walk together again.

I can tell that we are going to be friends. I can tell that we are going to be friends. I can tell that we are going to be friends. Yeah. Conan O'Brien needs a friend. With Conan O'Brien, Sonem O'Sessian, and Matt Goarly. Produced by me, Matt Goarly. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, nick Lleow, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Your Wolf. Themed song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blaher, and our Associate Talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Eduardo Perez, additional production support by Mars Mellnik. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Bautista, and Rick Kohn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco Hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It, too, could be featured on a future episode. If you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.