Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash. Call Conan. Okay, let's get started.

Hi, Joy. Welcome to Conan. O'Brien needs a fan.

Hello, everyone.

Hi, Joy.

Chill, chums. I am so excited to talk to you guys.

Tell us about yourself, Joy. First of all, where are you right this?

You might think it's a dungeon, but it's not. It is a hotel room. I am currently at a conference, the American Association of Zookeepers.

Wow. I hope you're a zookeeper, or else I feel very sorry for you. Are you a zookeeper?

I am indeed. So my day to day, I work with Humboldt penguins, caribbean flamingos, aldabra tortoises, american alligators, one of my favorites that I help fill in for the snot otters or hellbenders, and then fill in with manatees and some other aquatics.

So where is your zoo?

Central Ohio. In Columbus.

Okay. In Columbus, Ohio. And this is a zoo that do you have a lot of other animals? And these are just the ones you specialize in?

Correct. So I'm in the Shores region, which is probably one of the more diverse regions to work in, just because we have a lot of local conservation projects. But it is a catch all. So it's like reptiles and some aquarium stuff and yeah, birds throw those in.

Are there any animals that you wish that you were in charge of that you're not in charge of? Like, man, I wish I got to hang with that bear. Do you know what I mean?

I would love to work with otters or tapiers. I think they'd be so cool.

Wait, but you said you work with not otter. It's not otter. That is an otter.

So no, it's a loving phrase for hellbender, which is our largest amphibian in North America. So they can get to be, like, close to about 2ft when they're fully grown. And they live under rocks. They're good stream indicators for stream health, and they're slimy.

Okay.

Hence the snot otters hellbenders. But it's like when you're talking to kids and the public, they really latch on to snot otter.

Like, what?

But they're actually I mean, they're really cute.

So you'd like to more time with real otters and less time with snot otters? Is that what you're saying?

Well, can I be greedy? Can I have both?

Sure. But why when I suggested bear, you didn't take that. Do you have a bear at your zoo?

We do. We have several.

So what's your problem with the bear? Why wouldn't you want to spend more time with the bear?

They're amazing, but I'm also really short, and sometimes I like to work with things that I'm bigger than, so I don't think that's a problem.

Me too. I only hire people who are smaller than me so I can lure it over them.

That's everyone.

Yeah, exactly. That's why I fire anyone who's over 64. Well, tell us, Joy. So you take care of these animals. How does one even get into zookeeping? How does that happen?

It is a very competitive field. So a lot of times when we're out there, scrubbing poo is a lot of our job. They will turn to their kid and be like, see, if you don't go to school, you'll end up like that. And it's actually we get a lot of schooling. I got a master's degree in biological sciences. And yes, scrubbing poo is part of it.

But wait a minute. You're telling me that you're at the zoo taking care of the animals, and sometimes you're picking up poo and you'll hear a parent say to their kid, yeah, if you don't study hard, you'll end up like that one. Have you actually heard someone say dicks?

Yes.

That's terrible. First of all, I'm sorry I said it. I was in a bad mood and I was in Ohio and I just wanted to check out the zoo and with my kid. And he said, I don't have to go to college. And I saw whatever I was.

You weren't even with your kid. You just said that to a random kid.

I said it to a random child. He started crying and said, who the fuck are you? So, joy, you take care of all these different animals. Tell me about tortoises. Because I've never connected with tortoises. I like animals, but I don't connect with the tortoise. I just don't oh, my God. On an emotional level. And maybe they're onto me. Maybe they know something. They're picking up on a bad vibe. But I've never connected with the tortoise. In fact, most animals with a shell and I don't get along. I don't like a shrimp. I don't like any kind of mollusk. If it's got a shell, I tell it to go to hell. That's my motto.

Quite a gimmick.

Yeah, the tortoise, tell us about it.

Okay, so they're amazing. And granted, yes, you can have some that are like, no, I don't want anything to do with you. But personally, in my care, we'll take care of our aldabra tortoises that are 76 and 56 years old. And Boba is the oldest animal at the zoo. He weighs about 567 pounds.

Whoa.

Sonny's about 100 pounds lighter than he is.

You have a 76 year old tortoise. Does it talk a lot about how.

Now, Eisenhower eisenhower was a president I knew come back.

He was a commander in chief, but also he had I led troops in the field, unlike our current presidents. Take it easy, tortoise. Can you sense the wisdom of an animal that's been around for 76 years?

Well, I don't know that I would go straight to wisdom, but charismatic? Absolutely. Hands down. So even just walking in to their yard and you say their name, a lot of times when they're not napping, they'll perk up and they'll start coming over and walking over to you. And they love scritches on their neck and their shells, and they stand up nice and tall and they're a day brightener. Like, if you're having a bad day, go hang out with our El Dabber tortoises. Sunny oftentimes will come over, too, and they just really just want, like, scritches. It's not helpful if you're trying to hose, because oftentimes they will get in the way of the hose so you can bathe them. They really like getting spritzed.

Doesn't it take them 40 minutes to come over to where you are? They're very slow, aren't they?

Such beef with tortoises.

Well, I'm sorry, but it depends.

If they are on a mission, they can move quickly.

Okay. Not in my experience.

They can move slowly. Yeah. But a lot of times, if you have a good if they want to hang out with you, they're going to come over. So a lot of times, if we have to bring them inside for the evening, because it's Ohio and in the autumn and early spring, it gets too cold for them to be outside, we like to encourage them to come inside. That's where they get their dinner and know they'll get encouragement for coming in. So they'll see us back there, start trucking their way in. Sometimes they do a little lap, but, yeah, they come over and all right.

I'm going to be honest with you, Joy. I've never met a charismatic tortoise, ever. And can I say something? Your bar for charisma is super low. You were like, oh, my God, these tortoises are so charismatic. Oh, really? Joy? Tell us. Well, you call their name and they lift their head, then slowly make their way to you. And if you scratch them, they tend to seem to be okay with it. Wow, that's a real JFK.

But here I am talking to you.

I see. So I have the equal amount of charisma as a tortoise.

Hey, how do tortoises mate?

Very carefully.

So the males, oftentimes on the underside of their shell, will have, like, a concave indent, so that I have that.

Female, I have a concave indent. Caused me a lot of shame.

He'll mount the female and then they kind of will tuck their tail underneath where their cloaca is and they'll mate. Oftentimes the males will make noises. They grunt. You usually can hear several buildings over when the tortoises are mating because it's a very loud yes. Grunt.

Like what?

Smaller ones?

That could be a tortoise or anyone. I know. I mean, I'm going to be honest with you, I might be part tortoise. I'm concave down there and I go.

Oh, come on.

No, why? Don't give me body shame. I'm telling you about a very I'm opening up here.

Well, then you should be more into the tortoises.

Yeah.

Is this self?

Because you see yourself in them and.

Maybe my shell is my sarcastic exterior. Yeah, we went deep. No, I just said some stuff and then we moved on. Okay, well, and you also take care of penguins.

Yes.

Describe these penguins. Are they the penguins that we see in cartoons, just that run around in bow ties and stuff? Is it those penguins?

So they are a warm climate species of penguins that are in.

I can't believe you're putting up with any of this, joy. You have all this education and knowledge. I'm like and here's the ones that have the bow ties. They wait tables in cartoons.

To be fair, we do have an Oswald Cobblepot to play into that.

Oh, wow. That's the name of oh.

And he runs it like it's his colony, too.

Is that an emperor or penguin?

No. So they are Humboldt. So they're South American or Peruvian penguins. They're medium sized or smaller than a king. And emperors are the largest.

What's the largest penguin? How big would it get?

They can probably stand about species wise or like our penguins? Sorry.

No, just any penguin. I'm just curious, what's the biggest penguin in the world?

You want to know if you can take it.

Well, let me hear the size first, and then I'll determine if I could fight it.

I don't work with emperors, but I do believe they're probably closer to three and a half, 4ft. I would have to fact check that because I've never worked with them, but the ones I work with come up to my knee, so they're like I don't know.

What's their personality what's the personality of these penguins that you work with?

The level of sass is probably a mixture of cats and high school girls.

Wow. Okay.

Very sassy.

Sassy. And do they get into it with each other and sort of gossip about each other? Yeah.

Oh, they're always yelling at each other. Absolutely.

Hanging out at the mall.

They try on makeup but never buy it. They steal scrunchies.

Come on.

They steal a lot of things.

You guys don't know anything about teenage girls.

I know all about them. I know all about teenage girls.

Okay.

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Flamingos. You work with flamingos?

Absolutely. So they are taller than I am, some of them. We have a flock that it has been my goal to name every single bird when I first started because they were just numbered, and I thought that was kind of a cop out.

I did that with Matt and Sona when they first worked here, number eight and number eleven, don't ask me why.

Not even in order.

What happened in between?

You don't want to know. Let's just say they didn't work out and their families missed them. So you work with flamingos? Can someone ride a flamingo? Or flamingos aren't big enough. I'm thinking of, like, an ostrich.

Not so much. Yeah. No.

Could a tortoise ride a flamingo?

What are you asking?

In this case, size matters, so I would say teeny tiny, yes, but it would probably fall off because flamingos are flirting, walking everywhere, flapping wings, bathing. They're not one to stay still for too long.

Can I just say that you're a highly educated person who's worked very hard to take care of these animals. Is there some part of you that's insulted by the idiocy of my questions?

It's kind of like the spice of life. So I'm not insulted.

Good. Well, I would be if I were you. You should be.

There are a lot of children that come to her zoo.

Probably. I bet you even children don't go as low as flamingo. Billy, you're.

Mean we keep a quote book at work for all the questions that we know.

I'm in there now.

Yeah.

Well, do you have a question for me, Joy? I'm here to answer your questions and help you in any way I can.

So, one I have for you, and the other I need the help of you and the chilchums. The first one is just kind of fun if you were a penguin, because they often bring offerings to their mates or mates to be like rocks or special rocks or something, what would you bring to woo your penguin mate?

To be signed headshot of you? Yeah.

Oh, dear.

Yeah, I'd have signed headshot. That's what I did with my wife.

No.

Yeah. I said, hey, you seem like a pretty nice lady here, hold on a second. And I keep them in the trunk of my car.

Oh, God.

And I got out. Yeah, I got out a headshot. A Conan O'Brien headshot. And I wrote all best wishes.

And she went for that. I used to have such respect for Liza.

I know.

Wait, they're headshots of you?

Yeah.

Yes. No, they were Regis Philbin headshots that I kept in my trunk. I don't know I would say, let's see. If I really were a penguin, I'm going to say I would bring something that she could eat, because I know how important food is in the animal kingdom. Unlike humans, we don't need it. What do they eat? Do they eat nuts? Berries? What do they eat?

Fish.

Fish. I'd bring a herring. Yes, I'd bring a herring, but maybe with a little nut inside it, I would bring I wanted a little treat in there that she could choke on, and then I could save her, and then I'm the hero. If you fed a penguin a nut, would it choke?

It would drop it. It'd be like, absolutely not. Okay, play with it. But they probably wouldn't eat it.

Okay, so nuts are out. All right, I'd bring a herring. I'd bring a herring with a little bow on it. You know what I'd do? I'd put it in a Tiffany's box so she'd think she was getting a proposal, and she'd be like, oh, my God, I can't believe it. And then she'd get her friends to be filming know on YouTube, and then she'd open it up, and then it would be a herring. She'd be disappointed, but then it would start trending. He'll be like, oh, man, that guy's fucked. He blew it. Only it's two. Penguin or penguin. What's the plural of penguin? Is it penguin? Penguam. Could a penguin ride a tortoise on top of a flamingo?

The tortoise and the penguin, these are.

Adages like absurd fable from a drunk.

There once was a flamingo who was asked by a tortoise for a ride. Then a penguin came by and said, I can't eat a nut, but I'll play with it. Is this fable going anywhere ASOP I don't know. I'm making it up as I go along. Well, Joy, that's my answer. I like it. Herring in a Tiffany box. And chill chums, anything you need to add to this equation?

Did you say you had another question?

Is that I did. So this one is kind of important because my coworkers and I are known for naming our chicks very elaborate names. For instance, our flamingos are named after it's always Sunny and Arrested Development characters. And our penguins, we just kind of have free rein. So there's a Charmin Mcnugglebaum, who was named after the toilet paper crisis of 2020, professor Phineas Sprinklebottom, who I have on my arm.

Oh, wow. That's impressive. That's some great ink you got there.

He's gorgeous. And then the honorable Cheddar Mcbluff, esquire. Was named to make fun of us by our coworkers, but we thought it was great, so we kept it. So this is kind of where the bar is at with our characters that we have in our colony. So my question is, do you, chill Chumps, have some names that you would like to suggest for future chicks in our colony?

Wow.

You guys can well, come on, do that. Come on, you've just been past the ball in a crucial game. Okay, clock is ticking.

All right.

It's not that hard. Just start throwing out some names.

Sergeant microphone Glass but make sure you.

Say what you're currently looking at. Can we take it again, Sergeant?

Sergeant is my contribution.

Microphone Glass okay, but I'm wondering if you could just say what you're seeing in front of you when you do that. Microphone Glass okay, that sounds good.

Sergeant microphone glass esquire.

I thought you'd do a Armenian name and put an Ian at the end. Oh, Sergeant Microphonian. Where does he live? Glendale. That's not anything bad.

I know it's not.

I don't know why.

I think you're right. It's fine. So sergeant microphone no. Sergeant. Microphone Glassian yeah.

Glassy. That's good. Yeah.

There you go.

I'll go. Little, little cold bird in a hot, sweaty world. Cluck, cluck. Ping, ping.

Wow. What an asshole.

You're telling me.

Can a tortoise ride a penguin?

That's great. I mean, these are good names. Are any of these usable so far?

It might be a little struggle, but we might be able to work it.

What about Just Ben? Just a simple name like, hey, Ben, that's nice. You know, because you guys are getting into all it's Mr. Fluffernut or Habbledew, and that's going to be that's a good one. No, but those are good one. No, Ben.

I like Ben.

Ben. Hey, Ben. What's up? Oh. How's Ben doing? He got away. Oh, well, that's Ben. You know what I mean? It just makes things simple.

We do have a Bruce Banner, but.

Why does that penguin turn into, like, a mean penguin?

He was really spicy when he was younger, and if you didn't feed him his fish, so his herring a certain way, he would flipper slap you and get just really angry. So we kind of gave him a spicy name especially, too. He would carry around one of his toys and rub it in the other penguin's faces and then slap at it. So, yeah, very spicy.

Why didn't you name him the Hulk.

Instead of the mild mannered version of the Hulk?

Bruce, it turned out. So when he got angry, we would say, Bruce, come here, and we would start preening around his face, and he would calm down and just start prening his back. So it worked out perfectly.

Yeah. If it ain't broke, don't fix it, I always say. And that's another name you can use. Joy, I think we've learned a lot about you. You seem very intelligent, and it seems like you're taking very good care of these animals. You have a lot of empathy, and you seem like a very nice person, so I'm glad you're doing that. That's very nice. Thank you. Yeah.

Feel free to come meet the tortoises and see the connection that you can make with our boys.

I don't know. I don't like tortoises. We don't hit it off. You got to get out of that hotel room, Joy, because you've been in there for a while.

Do zookeepers party.

Oh, my gosh, yes.

Now we're talking.

What do you do when there's a zookeeper convention? How does it get off? Duh.

Yeah, how do zookeepers mate?

Come on, answer that one.

But my husband who runs the poop truck, is not going to like any of those questions.

Okay, your husband runs the poop truck?

Oh, yeah. Why call him the poop Smith, but yeah, he runs the compost truck.

So you saw him go buying a poop truck and you said, I got to lock that down?

No, we met at the trash compactor of Love. That's different.

Well, anyway, so your husband drives the poop truck at the zoo and is he with you on this convention?

No, because we spend a lot of time in conferences, like presentations and stuff like that. And then at night we'll do usually dinner and go out. Karaoke or whatever.

Karaoke? You guys going to do some drinking tonight, you think? At the zoo convention?

There has been throughout the week. I actually have to run home tonight to pack and then fly out for a vacation tomorrow morning.

Where are you going?

Hawai. I'm excited.

Might see some interesting wildlife out there. You never know.

Hawaiian monk feels on the list.

So when you go on a vacation, you just make a list of the animals you hope you run into?

Yeah, partially. So if there's a zoo nearby so we'll go to Honolulu Zoo? Absolutely.

When I go to New York, I have a little list and it just says pigeon on it. I always check it off. Never a wasted trip. All right, Joy, it's been a lot of fun talking to you. And best of luck, everyone. You take care.

Thank you.

Thanks, Joy.

You as well.

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