Hi, my name is Shaquille O'Neal, and I feel enigmatic about being Conan O'Brien for.

And we are going to be friends, Shakuntala. Hello and welcome to Conan O'Brien, needs a friend. Have a good show lined up for you today. In fact, I'm going to upgrade it to an excellent show. That's good. Excellent show. Today, I'm joined, as always, by the lovely and talented assistant to Conan O'Brien.

Some obsession that is so nice, feeling generous. And also, I think I'm more protective of you now that you are carrying twins. Yeah. And you have this human life in you. I'm less I don't want to lash out at you. I want to be nice to you.

Well, how come you didn't want to just be nice to me just to be like a decent person?

You know, I don't know. And then when I give birth, are you going to go back?

Yes. Oh, the minute those children are out of your body, I'm going to come after you like a Rottweiler, OK?

I'm sorry. That's the way it works once those children have exited your sacred womb.

OK, you are back in my sights. There was the potential, but now the children are there. And so I just feel like, you know, I I'm protective of you now. Have you noticed that? I'm always saying, yeah, when we go someplace, you'll say, I'll go up and get the you your you know, your soda or whatever, and I'll be like, I'll go, I'll go.

And then you say no and I'll go, good.

And I'll sit and you'll go get it and you'll feel you say it loud enough. So people here and that way you could say I offered to stand there for her, but I actually like standing and we were singing.

So my son and I were done with the taping of the show and we went to an outdoor cafe here in L.A. It's a chain called Lemonade, and there's a bunch of people sitting around and people are wearing their masks and, you know, taking them off when they sip or eat. But everyone was being very good. So, you know, knew what I wanted. And she said, I'll go get the food. And she started to go up.

And I said, let me let me go. I'll go get the food. And you sit. And you said, no, I like standing and I'm good. You just sit here. And then I waited until Seona got almost to the door to go inside and get the door to the food. And I shouted, Seona, I really think because you're pregnant, you should sit and I should go. And you said everyone looked around and looked at me and then you said, Really, it's OK.

And you went in and then I shouted.

I offered to everybody. I would just love the story that comes out in the tabloids like Conan makes pregnant assistant grab him food. And so I think that you were like, I offered it and I was like, yeah, yeah. OK, everybody I everyone heard. Yes. And I said, I offered it in this very fake way. Yeah. Like I was just covering my legal base.

But yeah, I didn't mind. I actually, I actually wanted to.

I did. Yeah. No you like to stand. That's what I keep telling people.

Yeah. Because I like if I go home I just sleep all day so it's good to not do that. Yeah I do that and I'm not carrying two human beings inside me that we know.

I'm just clinically depressed. Yeah. All right. That we know of. Yeah.

Ugali. What about you.

You know, do you think that you've treated, you treat Seona any differently. She's carrying human life.

No, I love and adore Seona regardless of what state she's in. I respect her as a woman and a human being and lift her up at all times. And I'm covering my legal basis to who writes your stuff.

Call my lawyer. Oh, God. Yeah, yeah. He's great. He's he's great.

You two are awful in very different ways. Yes. Yes. That's the thing I'm always trying to get out there is that I'm awful in an obvious way.

Gawley is no truly terrible in insidious quiet ways.

No. You know, no. Yeah, I'm awful. Just down the middle and you're awful on both extremes.

Yeah. God, that's hard to do. I think I'm the devil who's got horns and a red body and I'm laughing maniacally and flames are licking up around me and you're the devil.

That's more like the blond candidate, you know, that everyone really likes. And you win the election and then someone notices there there's a sick, sick, sick.

I wish I had the bad news about. Oh, my. Yeah. Are you kidding? I'll tell you.

I just think as long as we've agreed that you and I are both the quintessence of evil in different ways, I will not say that I'm the golden boy or Mr. Great or anything like that. But I'm not at your level, Mr. Gray. It's a terrible.

See what I mean? I know I wouldn't call myself Mr. Gray. Well, guess what? Nobody was awful. It's an awful that's why I'll never be at your level, because I don't have the kind of machinations to get where I need to be with that stuff. Where you're ready to go with that stuff.

I'm not. Yeah, I suppose you have a gift. A true artist. Some work in paints, others in clay. Mm hmm. I work in hostile cruelties.

Yeah. After flung out at odd angles like shards of shrapnel. Yeah, you're like the the Jackson Pollock of cruelty, you just spurted out into splatter paintings.

But it's not my fault because I'm a troubled alcoholic. Oh, Jesus. Yeah. See, you didn't see that coming. No. And my work is going to be worth so much more when I'm gone. Yeah. These podcasts will sell at auction for hundreds of millions of dollars.

Well, they could do you know about are they. Fante's Is that right? NFTE Do you know about NFTE? Well, apparently you don't know anything about it.

You said it three different ways. They laugh. It's about a day. How about how to hear the name Addabbo NFTE?

These are non fungible tokens where we could do a special recorded episode of this podcast that only one person can buy and it will be a collectible, a digital. Let's do that.

OK, let's do that. Let's we have to get Jeff Bezos hooked on this podcast. Right. That's step number one. Don't know how we do that. Someone I hope someone's writing this down. Step two, we make an episode that's not available to anybody. Then we contact Jeff Bezos through back channels.

Still don't know what that means. And we tell him the podcast. It it's it's pocket change for him. It's a paltry three hundred million dollars. And he goes like, yeah, I do kind of like that podcast.

Wonder what's in that secret. Why don't we go away?

Do you hear Jeff Bezos? And he goes, Oh, right, here's three hundred million dollars. I take my cut and you guys split. Fifty thousand dollars was a huge no.

What. No, like.

Well, we'll figure out the details of how you figure it out before this thing even gets produced. Please wait a minute. Let's stick with this plan. Please stick with this plan. OK, this is this cell. An exclusive episode of Conan O'Brien Needs a friend. And we get a bidding war going between Bezos and Gates. That guy loves to laugh and we get them just battling it out for the secret unheard episode of Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend.

It could be theirs for the I mean, they have this in their couch. This is couch change. Yeah. What would we even. Three hundred million dollars.

We just talk Amazon the whole time. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. We tight and then know they finally get it. And it's mostly ads that we've sold for emphasis on Amazon. And man, if you want to be able to move in and stretch Magoo's yeah.

You can walk Mangoush Mangoush be great.

It was mostly ads but Basso's was like that kind of sucked, but it was only 300 million will be ads for like a Phalcon, a gold robot that will do your bidding made of solid gold, you know, stuff that Bezos want. Anyway, I love this idea. Can you look into this idea? What's it called? An NFL NFTE?

It's I think I got it right the first time. Non fungible token.

All right. A non fungible token podcast that will be sold at a private auction to billionaire's highest bid takes it. I think we're on to something. But before we do that and make a fortune, we have to get to our guests today. Very excited about this. My guest today is a basketball legend. Now, a lot of people, you throw around the term legend. I know people throw it at me all the time, whatever. This really is a legend.

This gentleman in his nineteen seasons in the NBA, he was a 15 time All-Star, three time NBA Finals MVP and four time world champion. Now he's an analyst on the Emmy Award winning sports show Inside the NBA, alongside Charles Barkley, Kenny Smith and Ernie Johnson. I am legitimately, really thrilled to talk to this gentleman today.

Shaquille O'Neal is here. Welcome, Shaq. You feel enigmatic. Yes. So you're not sure how you feel because you're three different people. OK, how my three different people. Let's explain that.

Keep in mind all the comments that I'm reading. Fabulous. Yes. There's the concern that I'm dealing with professionals 20, 30 years in this business. Top of the food chain. When it comes to the style of show, you're the best. Yes. Then there's the funniest guy in the world where you just come and we all have a script and you just say, forget the script and you steal the show.

That's we've had some good times doing that.

Know you've had some good time because I couldn't even get my is the third call the family that I used to see at the Beverly Hills Hotel at the diner.

And then when I tried to talk to you, you and your kids were Hakoah, you just give me this girl. I never remember growling at you. I think I was growled at me when I was calling to her. I think you tried to take my bacon.

I had bacon on my plate and I saw the largest hand I've ever seen in the world come into view and try and take my bacon. And you got a really as a fellow Irishman. You know what bacon means to us.

And then a formal I can tell that you are a werewolf. I'm a vampire. You we're OK.

Let's talk about that. What makes you think I was a werewolf? Because when I try to grab you bacon, you drive. Oh, yes, that's true. That's true. That bacon incident. But also, I have a sexuality.

I must, I don't know, wild animal, ferocious sexuality. Don't you think Shakeel would know nothing about that?

Oh, well, OK. You shut that down really fast. That's shit that I'm glad. I'm really glad. You know, it's so funny because you've had so many great nicknames in your career, the great Shacochis for a while that won't you?

The Giant Shamrock. No, you're with the Celtics.

Everything starts with the big sauce, big cactus, the big shamrock that's startle up the big Aristotle, which makes sense to me because, you know, I get to talk to all these people.

So far, you have been the most philosophical and interesting in terms of the way you look at the world. You said, well, I talked to three different Canaan's which one of you we're talking about. They call you the big Aristotle because you really do have an interesting worldview.

You really do think about things in a fascinating way.

And this is one thing that I really thought about because I'm in Atlanta. Right. So says that I can go outside right now. And I know that L.A. is on the West Coast, right? Yep. And I can't see L.A. So how come when I go outside and look at the moon, I can see the moon. So as the moon closer to L.A. is. Think about that, Chona. OK, if I go stand outside right now and face West, I cannot see L.A., California.

If I go outside and look up and see the moon. The moon is right there, right there on. So is the moon. The distance from where I'm standing to the moon. Is it closer than the distance from here tonight. We'll never know.

I well wait a minute.

Just because you leaned into the mic and said we'll never know, does it mean we'll never know?

And I could go on and on about the mass of the moon and how, you know, the versus the mass relative of the coastline, by the way. That's right.

I say, but I don't know because I've never been there. And then my second thing is I took a lot of cross-country trips. Right. You know how they say the world is like this when I'm driving in my car, I don't suddenly go like this.

Oh, wait, are you going to start to say that? So you think this is and anything? I'm just saying I drove from here to California here to my town in New York, and not that one time did I did this or when I fly out of China, not one time did the plane go, oh, OK.

Yes, yeah, no, no, no. OK, is this going to be the new podcast with Conan O'Brien and Shaquille O'Neal? We'll never know. You say.

Well, no, I know you can just say I'm just saying. But you are not for real a flat earth.

I know you're not. I am not. I am. I just I just like I just like to talk about theories of discussion with intelligent people such as yourself, miss.

So it's very nice of your vision. And my good friend, my girl, I just like that, you know. Hey, buddy. Gus, you know, certain you're.

Well, first of all, let me tell you something, Shaq, you will never talk to a bigger Lakers fan than Sonna Mocean. Isn't that true?

Saana the Lakers are very important not just to me, but to my whole family. And so thank you for everything that you gave us. I mean, it was unbelievable watching you play. And, you know, the championships, the there is just the best. So this is this is huge for me for sure.

Well, thank you. I appreciate. Is that name Czechoslovakia? No, it's Armenian. Armenia, I guess we'll never know.

I knew it. I knew it. I knew and I knew it. Oh, we're changing the title of this podcast. You the first. Year pass personality Shaq is such that this podcast we've done, you know, whatever, 120 episodes you can come on and in 10 minutes into the first episode, you have changed the title of the podcast and the whole theme of the podcast, which is we'll never know, a mystery show.

You know, what I love about Yorubas O'Brien is that you always make people laugh. I've told you this before last year. You're one of the best on the fly people I've ever seen in my life. Thank you very much. Like I've been around you three or four times. You just when I say you had me cracking like a lot of you, I laugh, I love you. But a lot of people don't have any curriculum you can just like it's like a reptile.

So I just want to appreciate the sound bite.

You are a hilarious guy and obviously one of the most talented people ever. So having you say that is so nice. We've done. I'll just explain to people because I work at Turner and you work at Turner many times you and I have been at events and they've asked the both of us to go out there sometimes with Anderson Cooper. They always have like a script. And then you and I decide, no, no, no. We say it as we say it to each other as we're going out to help with the script.

We're not going with the script. So Anderson Cooper will start trying to ask his questions. And you and I will just start doing whatever we want to do.

And it's really fun.

And I think Anderson Cooper's hair when we met him was black and when it went white, because we we we freaked out so many times over the years. It's so much fun.

We were both doing improv comedy because that you get a lot of offers to do standup. But I am terrified. I've been in a lot of comedy clubs that that first joke don't go off, you're done for the rest of life.

So it's so interesting you say that because you have been if I think about holding a basketball and being on national television and a championship is on the line, I immediately soil myself the way a baby would.

That very idea of that horrifies me.

And so it's so interesting when someone like you, it's like I'm talking to a NASA space pilot who's had to reenter the atmosphere. Just the right angle, 35 times are Hillburn up and he does it and he tells me, oh, my God, I'm so scared of speaking in public or I'm so scared my joke won't work. So I find that fascinating. I would think he would fear nothing.

So you said the NASA Goddard Space. Thirty five times. I made that up because I was going to say we'll never know. OK, all right. That's the last problem was taking away. I have a referee's whistle here and you just used up all year. We'll never know now. You'll get one more. You get one more. But but you really do you get because I've seen you in so many situations, I've seen how people act around you.

You can't blend in. You are 35 feet tall and you can't just blend into the crowd. You could not find a person in China, in all of China, in the most rural section who doesn't know who you are.

You couldn't find anybody on this earth who doesn't know Shaquille O'Neal does that. I see sometimes how people react around you. And I think that's got to be a tough one.

I don't consider it tough. I consider it lucky. I go from zero to sixteen if we get 016 from 2016, when I really started playing basketball, when I was 16, when I got my first article is said Kohl's Odille best in the U.S. So I went from being a nobody to being the best player. I went to my little arrogant face, my high school teammates. This is what they did to me, which was very brave. I went to a high school and I threw twelve was 289 students graduate versus thirty.

So, you know, and I thought I was better than I would walk on one side of the whole the whole school were moved to those the hall. I go to the lunchroom and sit down. Everybody will leave the cafeteria. I go to practice and I go see the one and all the guys are sheep. So then I was like, OK, it's funny how the magazine hey, man, you didn't get her by yourself. So that stopped me from being arrogant.

So so really the whole school was in on it.

They they taught you a lesson. Yes. Those who learn to realize that I am lucky and three, I like people, like meeting people. My my childhood was very unorthodox. I'm from Newark, New Jersey. I moved to Hinesville, Georgia, then I moved to Germany. Then I moved to San Antonio, Texas. I went to college in Louisiana. So I think I was programed to be a person that speaks the language of people. I don't see color when you see people.

So when I'm out, I just have to be myself. I remember coming out and meeting all these marketing firms and the guy with her would say, hey, we have to create an image of my father just slammed his head on the table. We don't create an image. Image is reality. I was like, what does that mean? He said, Brother, you can't you can't sell the people something that you're not selling. So what are you so well and funny?

So you got to sell that among some courteous and respectful. You got to sell that you said. Because if you try to sell your. Self as holier than thou. It will catch up with you one day. So, yes, ever since day one, I just, you know, been been who I am. And for that, we get some time where I don't feel like being bothered. I'll just stay in the house to watch Netflix.

But most of the time when I'm out, I can never be mean to kids like even though and with the Kovar thing, like when kids come up, it's hard for me to say no, there really is. Yeah. So I love children. I love people. And then I also realize that is lucky because I haven't played in 11 years and people still my while I'm amazed when I go to the store a little kids grab their mom and go, Mom, that's her.

That's him. So yeah, I just, I just consider myself lucky. I've had a long run. I got my first article in 1989 and people still know me to this day. Hopefully it does mean it'll probably end when I when I purchased this old folks home and I check myself in is room for me too.

Can I check you? Yes, I know. I would like to I would like to live in a retirement home with you and I think we'd have a really good time. We would as the food, as the food at Jack's retirement village.

The food would be great. We can leave whenever we want. Oh, I like that. Yes. Well, we want. Right. Right. It'll be a lot of amenities. Yeah.

I am ready to go right now. I am ready to go and I do not want to wait till retirement age. I want to go right now. I'm probably chicken when I'm 70. OK, well I'm going now.

I'll go ahead and and you can call me and I'll let you know how it's going because you know, very fascinated by this idea.

That'll be a hell of a show me that old folks home for a while. Yeah. Let's pitch that now. Let's pitch that to next life. Yeah.

You know, I can tell because I have seen you so many times and you are you'll sign every autograph. You such a lovely person. And I was reading up on you and I get the sense that so much came from does your mom and then your stepdad, who is very good at laying down the law.

You know, is that is that is that fair to say.

Very good at. I'm allowed. He did it in a very unorthodox what he did in a tough discipline, the way he would probably if he lived in these times, would probably get in trouble for that. Yeah, but I don't fault him for that. I praise him for that. He passed away about nine years ago. I praise him for that. Every time I ride around, I look up and I say thank you. Thank you for being hard on me.

Thank you for being tough on me. Thank you for making me a leader and not a follower. He had a high school education, but he wanted me to have a college education. And every time a professional athlete made a mistake, I would get in trouble. You remember Len Bias? Yeah, sure. So when Limbaugh has passed away, I was he was a prospect for the Celtics and it was a huge deal.

I'm from Boston. It was a huge deal. Everyone was excited about such a tragedy, very talented. And he I think he was celebrating that he was going to go to the Celtics and be probably the best, you know, one of the best players of the decade.

And I think he he tried cocaine and it Celtel, that was my last and hope.

Like I said on the show. Yes, my father came in tears everywhere in rage. If you ever do drugs, I'll kill you. And I'm like, I don't do that, sir. And just grabbed me and pushed me around. And he's like, I can't believe he did Coke and my young dumb self. I was like, Well, we don't drink Coke, Daddy. We drink Pepsi. Oh my God. Yeah, no. OK, OK.

So he roughed me up. He sat me now and that's why I never did drugs. I was like, man, did this kid come from the same area. He could have been the number one pick who's going to make a difference for his family and one mistake government. And then, you know, the fear I have for my father. I never do that. Every time I fully do. So, every time I actually went broke, he'd come on you mother.

My God, yes. So any time any athlete, any athlete in the world did anything, your dad would get mad at you.

Yeah. So he would always start. So if you ever if you ever disrespect to the kid, if you ever talk to your coach, if you ever do drugs, if you ever drink. And he would, it was just so that's why as a kid I never did any of that ever. Like I'm forty eight, I'll probably only drink four times in my life.

What actually you did. Didn't your dad catch you. You drank a beer once and your dad caught you. Right. He called me and he made me drink a 12 pack to the head. He said, Oh, you want to be a soldier. Wow. He made me he made me stand up. Well, and is this is why I hate beer.

I hate it because you had that one twelve pack and you're like, that's it. I don't want it. I think it was in the twelve or thirteen, but you'll never know. OK, that's your last one. That's your last one. That is your last one. Sorry. Yes, I got you.

Or do you how did the influence of your stepdad has it had an effect on how you've raised your kids.

Yes and no one. I've never had to discipline my children. I was disciplined because I grew up in a certain area and I was always a follower. Like I remember one time I was watching the Hawk true story. I was watching a hawk and I was outside. I just felt I felt strong and I. So these kids muscle car. So what did I do? Ripped the door off, ripped the windshield wipers off, bust the window. I just used to do juvenile illegal stuff.

And my father was like, man, you you're going to be a follow somebody to legal rights. Are you going to do is going to jump off a bridge. You're going to do it. So I got punished and disciplined because he was trying to stop me from being a follower and wanted me to be a leader. My kids grow different. Only thing I stress to my kids is education, respect to other people, have fun, work hard and play hard.

The motto of my house is In order to touch daddy's cheese, you have to have three degrees.

I lost my license.

We have that rule in my house. But it's about actual cheese. I'm just very I really say I really have a thing about my Parmesan. I don't want anyone touching it. But I but I've been lucky.

I have six perfect children that I understood that got to go to work. Like I had a room in my house on game day and there was a game we played with the kids and I always just tell them, OK, Daddy going to take a nap from 12 to three and whoever makes noise, that is going to buy them. So, you know, when they were young, daddy would turn into a dog man. And that's not only going to go dog man's hearing.

The kids got ride and I take them and I act like I'm buying them, but I want I just got oh, they would love that. So I would tell them, hey, daddy, go and take a man from one to three. If I hear any noise from anybody, dog will bite. You think, OK, they were perfect, they wouldn't make a noise, they would make a sound and they understood. And I have perfect children.

So, you know, when people ask me, do I use the tactics that my father used for me or my children, the answer is no, because I don't have to.

I mean, it's got to be such a rush to have the phenomenal success, I think, about what's bigger than the NBA and for you to come in and have that kind of success at such a young age. And I don't see how people don't lose their minds. And how old were you when you started playing?

Let's try to play the thirty right in the NBA.

How old were you? Oh, nineteen twenty. Yeah. Jesus. I mean, so to to overcome that I would always picture my mother sitting watching me on TV. So I said to myself, OK, I got to do everything positive. So when she sees it she smiles. I'm a mama's boy and I can tell you mama's boy too. So I'm able to stop time and say, OK, before I say this, I do. This will upset my mother.

So that's the first thing that kept me out of trouble. And then every now and then when I don't think I do some crazy, she'll call me and correct me. Like, for example, I was we've always been broke, so I've never, ever had a lot of toys for Christmas. So even now, Jeff Bezos loves me because I'm Amazon's biggest partner. Whenever I see someone, Amazon just by. So at one point I had like 65 car.

So one day she saw MTV Cribs and she didn't like it. She's like, baby, it's a lot of people out there that don't have jobs, you know, this and that. I don't like you showing your stuff off. So I try not to do that as much anymore. Right. So, you know, she's like baby girl. A lot of people kind of have a 70000 square foot house with a pool and a full court gym and all that stuff.

So I don't think it's classy for you to be showing off like that. So like I said, I try not to do that. So I just try to stay out of trouble because I really have a lot of respect for my mother. And I never want to let her down because when I was coming up, my dream was to make a true story. Eight million for ten years. That's how the money was. And I had I was gonna have a little house oh my, my, my, my house.

I was going to buy myself a Jimmy Blazer and one black Mercedes Benz. And then when I was coming in college and, you know, learning about inflation and this and that and learning about business and the numbers were different. So when I first came in, I was forty million. I was oh my God. First thing I got to do while my parents house and pay it off in case I'm one of these knucklehead athletes that go broke. You I get my my my house.

My mom didn't want a house. So I said, hey, mom, let's go, let's go shopping. So I get to this house and all those beautiful house. So you like this house. And she was. Oh yeah, I like it. You should do this. You should do as I go down to the keys and I gave it to her and the tears that were on her, her and my father's face and her father, he didn't cry.

I just thank him. Thank you for listening. So I just always wanted to, you know, make them proud. And, you know, they always they always kept it real with me.

I would say mission accomplished. I think if you can you can check that out.

I heard I don't know if it's true, but I heard that you when you were very young, you went into it. Was it a Rolls-Royce dealership? Maybe you were interested in buying a Rolls-Royce and.

Yeah, I don't know if it was I mean, you tell me if this was a racial incident or what.

Well, I mean, I don't look, I don't I've lived in South Georgia. I've lived in Texas. I know what that looks like. Yeah. I'm not I'm not sensitive whatsoever. Yeah. You know what I mean. I don't always go to. He was an older gentleman and I went in, see, I like I like spending money, but I try to be smart about it. Like, for example, I don't need a car for six hundred thousand.

Right. I don't I can afford it, but I don't need it. So I was just looking at every car. How much of this 340, how much that will force environmentalists of Falacci. So I guess he got frustrated because one I had of from sweatpants and some flip flops, I was looking like wasn't looking like a guy to just sign 120 million dollar contract. So that's how much is this one? He just looks at you. You should ask a lot of questions.

Can you afford it, sonny boy? He was older when I just said excuse me. He said, no, you just ask one. Can you afford it? And I just said, OK, no problem. Give me that one. Now you've got to go. Yes, Mike, how come you speak to me?

And I was like, shut the hell up in his car. Yes. I said, here's the problem. Here's the problem.

Shaq and any car dealer listening to this podcast right now is going to be like that said he's going to buy 15 cars. You know, you asked a question about race.

Yes, I'm I'm sensitive. I had a high school coach who I know love me, but he was from Texas. And I told the story during my Hall of Fame speech. He used to call me Brixham Bitch all the time. Hey, big some bitch. Great game big. But that's just how people in Texas talk. But the way he treated me, I know he loved me. So, again, listen, I was raised by a military drill sergeant in Georgia, one school in Louisiana.

I don't seen it all heard at all. Nothing you can say or do. But my feelings and my feelings don't get hurt. Prepare to get your ass whipped.

OK, well, I just. I just got scared. I think you get loopholes. There's so many loopholes, I feel like I'm in The Matrix with you.

Do you so I'm 38, 38. I need a list of your products I bought you, like in your 20s or something. Wow. Oh, thank you very much.

I'm pregnant, so maybe it's like a glow.

Well, congratulations, Shaq. She's pregnant with twins. She's going to twin boys, right? I'm jealous. You want one? You want to be pregnant, Shaq? No, I'm twins. Oh, I got news for you, Marco and Marcus.

Marco and Marcus. Okay, that would get confusing, Mo, wouldn't it?

No, Marco.

Marcus, I think if you had a Marco and a Marcus, the kid wouldn't know for ten minutes which one was in trouble.

OK, what about Mark and Marco? Why do you have to. Why? Because why not ship and chop or flip and flop.

I mean because because the nickname would be the name Boyz n the Eminem. Yes.

Do you see why not chip in Chavalit. But I don't know. Then they're OK. I didn't know he was going. Marko you know what Marky Mark.

You know what son? I've never known a bigger Lakers fan in my life.

This is one of the great Lakers of all time. This is the man when he tells you the names of your twins. Those are the names of your twins. Yes, I know. I agree that Mark and Marco.

Nobody knows it works for me. Absolutely.

You I was your mom or someone's mom intervened because you always conducted himself very well on the court. And we're going to get into the subject now of a certain Mr. Charles Barkley.

But you and Mr. Barkley had an altercation on the court and you got into it. Maybe a scuffle started a little bit of a little bit of a dust up between you two. And right after the game, you get a phone call.

And who's the phone call from phone calls from my mother and his mother on three way watch as like, hello. She's like this mom Barkley. I'll cut that shit out of his hello. And then my mom was going to kill me. I mean, told my mom before, y'all need to stop there. You need to go in the hallway. I was like, yes, ma'am. And then I thought I thought she Charles had I called my mom by.

How do you know his mom? Oh, we've been best friend for twenty years. I never knew that Charles Barkley and my mom were best friend for twenty years and I never knew that you didn't know it.

So you will only find out when you get into a fight on TV with Charles Barkley.

Yes, the phone rings after the game and it's Charles, his mom and your mom on three gray.

So listen, you need to stop the boys look up to your you definitely don't need to be fighting. Cut it out. I want to hear nothing. I want to see nothing. Don't say nothing in the paper going. Always shake his hand and it's over. So good. I'm not. I love that I never disrespect anybody's mom. When his mom calls and I was like, Yes, ma'am. Yes, ma'am. And then, you know, a lot of people, especially when me and Charles have heated conversations, I think we don't really like each other.

But I finally saw his mom and my mom together and playing cards, and it was the same thing. You're not playing playing spades by just talking trash.

That's that's hilarious. You saw them actually. They talk trash to each other and then they start to fight.

And then you guys have to call them up and say, you go out there and you shake hands with Mama Barkley and you just done no more fighting.

That's kind of a wow that a great, great, you know, relationship.

Now, Charles likes to go after you. I don't know why. Maybe it's jealousy. He says, I had him on this podcast. I talked to him and he was saying, yeah, well, Shaq has a thin skin. And whenever, you know, we're on the air and I disagree with him, he gets frustrated, says you don't have any rings, you don't have any championship rings. That that's his def. That's what he goes to.

Do you think that's true?

I mean, how could you say it's like a guy, just a regular guy? That's funny. I was a punk ass thinking he's the great Conan O'Brien.

Oh, my God. You know what? I just. I agree with you. I agree with you. Say, OK, you we we do similar stuff. But when it comes to being the top of the top, Conan O'Brien's top three, as always, has been. So he's an expert in the space. So yes. Yes. Because if I have to ask you, how do you know mean I don't believe you. So, you know, he's a great player, one of the top 50, but he really doesn't know what it takes to get to that next level.

And that's why I tell him I'm like, hey, you you're yelling and screaming and this and that. And, you know, you think your word is the law, but no, no, no, no, no. You didn't get to the mountaintop moment that I get to the mountaintop. I was the king of the mountaintop three times in a row, three generations in a row. I was the king, Shaquille O'Neal.

I guess I owe the lives of Los Angeles with an iron fist.

You ever do you ever put all the rings on and just show them to him? Do that. I don't know. But, you know, again, so but, you know, we all just look at the game from a from a different angle, but yeah, yeah. I think people hopefully they know and understand. I have 14 classification. I've done it. All of you know, I've been on everybody's trying to be I've been in all those positions or, you know, a lot of times when I speak, I just try to speak from facts and Berkeley.

I'm just going to be honest with you, when he was on this podcast, he said Shaq doesn't use icy hot Shaq. Shaq doesn't know that, general. He doesn't he doesn't go to the general. That's not where he gets his insurance. That's the kind of that's the kind of shit that this man's talking about when when he's gone behind your back. And I thought as a friend to you, I would tell you what this man is saying. Now, first of all, I see hot put your thing on muteness.

So they just cover your ears. Just cover your eyes. Trust me, she's heard it all. She was in the Navy for top somebody. OK, I got OK, so don't worry about it. Yeah, we always used to see I see her in the locker room and one day I kind of had like a fibros and the guy rubbed it but he rubbed it to her. So during the game my, my little guy start getting hot, like really hot.

Like I thought something was wrong and he got to the point where I was like, hey man, I think I need to go. I need a doctor. You know, my my little guy's on fire. So he's oh, I think I put the her to her God. So then he said, oh, you don't have to play to us. So now take a shower. Boy, I thought I was in hell. It gets worse, right.

It gets worse. Yes, it gets worse. So I'm in there screaming and it was a Spanish gentleman and he said, Compadre, you got to use milk for my work, so you got to use milk. I said, will you tell him what he said? Capsaicin is hot pepper. So we Spanish people, when we hot pepper, the milk calms it down. Yes, yes. OK, I gave him some money. Let's go to the thing.

Milk. So now I'm in the shower, pour milk on my boys and the guys is in and they're looking at me like what the hell is going on. But the milk actually worked so mean. When I see hot, I was like, you know what is hot? You got this company works.

Oh, wait a minute. That is your testimony. I see. Yes, it's it's your testicles on fire. Yes, I know. Like that in my life.

You know what they should do at the end of the commercial? They should put a quick little circle of your head right at the end. It's a disclaimer and it should say, just don't put it on your you know, just don't don't put it on your junk. And Biersack says you don't. I mean, it's got to have like a little, you know what I mean. Just don't put it, you know, where. And that just pops up right there.

So then with the general, this it was this broncho tool was used to see noncollege outside the campus with a for sale sign. Fourteen hundred dollars it was Bragi. So I get the Pell Grant program is two thousand dollars. So now I'm like, I'm about to go get this car. Everybody else on the team got a car. I need this car. So I go get the car and the guy says, hey, you got some insurance. Oh what the hell is insurance.

He says, he says, Shaq, I can't let you take this car without insurance. So now I go to all these places. Three hundred a month. Two hundred a month. Well, anyway, I'm before this. I have to go tell this guy I can't afford a car. So I see this little thing. This is the general and I go going the general and they give me a policy, something I could afford I think was like forty dollars a month for coverage.

So the reason why I decided to go with the general was because before I became the figure, the character known as Shaq, I was just a regular guy who didn't have anything and they gave me insurance. So it's a lot more people that are not as big time as we are. And, you know, they have houses, they have kids, they have bills. They really can't afford the 400 to 500 dollar insurance. So they need affordable insurance.

So that's why I want to tell them about the general and this is why I'm with the general. So, you know, a lot of people think I just take these deals just to be taken. If I if I have no affiliation with the company, I will not take your money. I believe you.

And I do think I should get some money from the general now and from icy hot because I brought it up on my podcast.

Well, OK. Well, I think you don't it with someone because I get paid for ads, we get paid for ads on this podcast.

That's what's going to be feeding soon is children, right?

Seona you Mark and Mark, Mark and Marco or Marco and Mark I oh that's that's what's going to do Mortimer and Märta must go to.

OK man you're easy. Maximiliano and Maximiliano low. I went too far.

Was one too far. I did. I apologize but yeah I think I should get some money because I talked about the general, the general and I see hot. They were both discussed in a very flattering way on this podcast. It goes out to a lot, a lot of people.

Speaking of the hookup, I tried to hook Charles up with a commercial guy again in a commercial, but Charles is too big time for us. So I was too, you know, so, you know, we still had a fabulous commercial.

Maybe he maybe he just they saw some tape of him and they didn't maybe they saw his golf swing and they were like, now know his history is he doesn't want to be on TV more than twice.

What? Well, yeah. Says he doesn't like overexposure.

You know, you guys are so good together. You know, I've had the pleasure of being around you guys because we all work for the same company. And I've been around you guys. I'm a huge fan of your show, the personality mix of personalities between, you know, you, Kenny Smith, Sir Charles, Ernie Johnson. There's something happening there that I see other shows trying to copy. And they can't get it right because you guys have is real.

It's hilarious to watch and also incredibly informative. But it's it's just it's just great entertainment.

I really do think you guys have one of the best group chemistries I've seen on television, and it's not rehearsed.

I realize that if we're going to keep you up after 12:00, we don't want to hear boring stats. So we got to make sure Charles is real quick. It's like, man, you can say something and he doesn't care what he says. That's also an advantage. He has Unquit Kennedy.

He's not that quick and quicker in terms true to myself. Ernie is the. Yeah. Is the is the gatekeeper. He'll he'll keep it professional and us go going around for a couple of seconds and then you know, he'll realize back in.

OK, well I have to be you know, I know you're an honest guy. Charles was not nice to me on this podcast. I'm not going to say that it's not that he wasn't nice to me.

He was very honest. Some would say brutally honest. I said, hey, you know, Sir Charles, I'm I'm four, you know, but about 200 pounds. You know, I workout. I got quick hands. Couldn't I have made it? I started to say couldn't have made it in the NBA. And he shut me down so fast and so brutally.

You could play in this era, not my coach.

Tell me about this. What's different about this era where I could play? And by the way, quick, quick message. Everyone out there.

Oh, you're holding what is that what you're tearing up? Tissue paper. You're tearing a piece of tissue paper. What does that signify? This stuff is tissue paper.

Oh, my gosh. Well, first of all, I'm going to make it clear to everyone email it tweeted out.

I said it so.

So. All right. So what is it about this era? Because I do think I don't know.

I just this is different. I don't know. I just. Well, first of all, I mean, I've seen you guys. That was a brutal, physical little game that you are playing in the 90s, a late 80s, 90s, a brutal physical game, not the same today.

And this is all I know. So you want me to watch what we watch now and praise God like they're great players? I can't do it. Steph Curry is great. He's great. LeBron, of course, Harden and all that, but I just can't do it. Oh, I don't know. I've seen I've seen and looked at eyes of Michael Jordan coming at you. I've seen Dominique look, I love of as a kid. I've seen Larry Bird in Korea.

I've seen the bad boys of Detroit, what they did to the Lakers, what they did to Mike when you know young Michael Jordan, this. Yeah, this is all I know. And my father did a good job of making stuff hard, you know, told me how great I was. He didn't tell me he he used to take all my trophies and put them in his house. He let me let me celebrate well. And bring me the trophy.

So now that, you know, he's passed away, I have all my trophies and they're sitting up there. Oh, wow.

Look at that. Look at that. They're all up there. But but his mission was to bro, you're not that great. OK, you won one championship, but Kareem won six. Let me see you go get six. Tough guy. All right. You got to you got you got a little back to back. You get the golf club. Wow. Get three. Oh, you got three. OK, you think you're big man. Get four.

Oh you get traded. No you got traded or you know, people think you you're done to this. See what you got big man. You know, I got my fourth and then when I retired he came in and again said thank you for listening. And he kind of he said, I didn't want to be hard on you, but I knew that you could be something special. And I knew that you were himself because he said when he met me, the two years old, he had to discipline me and I didn't cry.

And he knew I wasn't one of those tough babies. So they want me to follow them. You know, some of the things that he did growing up in northern New Jersey. So he was he was always going to be hard on me. And I think before and, you know, I also got to give Kareem credit because he's always throwing Kareem Faisal Shahzad one of the best. However, and Kareema say he is one championship yet, and then with Kareem having that 14 classification, I can't I can't whine and cry about the great Kareem speaking the truth.

Yeah. So now when I say some similar stuff to these kids today, they get a bit out of shape. But before I change, I go to Matt Goalie's house and still all his guitars.

He won't get much for him. I tell you that much right now. I have a question. Yeah. Yeah. Lady Gaga is a dog handler.

They said it was a dog ring. Is that true? I mean, is there such a thing or people still like those those dog, those dogs?

It's a French bulldog. And I think people can get a lot of money for them. It's sad, but yeah, I think there are people of another that target.

Well, we'll never know. Wow. That's not how you do it, man. Wow. Now, Matt, you don't have dare you. Well, we'll never know if I did it right.

First of all, man, you got to lower your voice and the other side is slow. You'll never know. I'll never know. Mad. If you want to be really sexy, you got to be, you know, the h.b is now the homeboy go. You'll never know.

No, that's the homeboy echo. You know, it's funny because you talk about people that you're indebted to, it's hard to believe that it's been now a little over a year since Kobe passed. And they know that's a very, very painful subject. But I've always been struck by you guys didn't always get along.

But you have been very honest always about how much you think he helped you, that his presence on the Lakers helped you and pushed you.

Wasn't it that we didn't get along? It's just that we didn't agree on everything, but not agreeing on everything and not getting along as two totally different things. Yes. Yeah, I was probably at fault for letting people think we didn't like each other. As you know, I'm the master of marketing, so he would say something to his guy. I our respond I would say something to my guy. He would respond. And what I did was put all eyes on us.

Right. Everybody wanted to know what's going on with that. We don't. But if you look at it on the court, he's looking for me and I'm looking for him. Yeah, we were competing against each other so much that it didn't matter what the other Irfan's were doing. I look at the stat sheet hasn't been like that. He got 50 and I only got seven. Forget that I'm shooting like it was just, you know, it was like an internal thing.

But I always tell people, if you think we had beef after we win the first championship and I raise my arms up. So 30000 people in that arena, who's the first guy to jump my arms? Kobe Bryant. Then I have a little brother. I have cousins. I have Charles Barkley. We all agree all the time. But we respect each other. Yeah. People say, well, if you had all over again, what would you do different?

Nothing. We won three out of four. I think the story will be better, more compelling. If we didn't win, it'll be like, man, they they have so much power only if they can get along. We won three in a row and we went to the final four to five years. I'm good with that. And then I do regret not being more communicative because I've, I've always been like that. And I kind of say that the guys think the same way that I do.

Like, I wake up, I want to see my kids thirty minutes and I got to go to work. I come home, I play with them for I'm tired, they got to do their homework and then they got to go to bed. So when I'm done playing, I got to get home to marry. Man, I got a husband who is I got to take care of kids. I don't know. I've seen you guys two, three hours a day.

I don't want to talk to you. I want to see you guys anymore. I don't know if that's the right mentality, but this this is all I have. So we did the special for TNT and it was a great special. You know, we talked about it. It was actually great. After that, we should have communicated more. But again, I know he was, you know, spending time with his daughter, coaching her team and his lovely wife and the other kids.

I don't like to bother people. I don't. But I thought about them all the time. And then the day that happened, I'm downstairs working my son out and my other son comes out, he's crying, I'm bawling, crying. And I'm I'm not I'm out of the shot because I'm like, Why are you crying, Grandma? OK, my mother. OK, you like what's going on? I say, I was wrong. And he kind of just gave me a hug and he showed me the phone and I saw it.

So I just I just lose it. And it takes a lot for me to lose it cause I'm like now I'm like, oh my God, I like I didn't get to say it until I get to see him. It was last time I saw him. Boom, boom, boom. So now I say, you know, hold on, let me make sure it's credible so soon as I walk up steps exwife call my daughter. All right, mom, call, cry, call right away.

I talk to his his sisters. They were crying and then it just hit me. Then I was like two days where I'm like, I should have reached out. Yeah, I should have reached out.

So but I do think I think we all have some. That feeling in that situation, I really do, I think that's a very normal reaction because we're all so busy in life, we're all, you know, and that when something like this happens, which it's not supposed that just wasn't supposed to happen.

It was just a terrible, crazy tragedy.

But I don't think you can put that on yourself because it was already overwhelming because my sister had passed away a couple months before. I know. And I only got to see her four times a year because I'm working for her and my family is the type not to tell me when stuff is going wrong. Yeah. So she had cancer twice previously and beat it. I want to go this time. I'm sure she'll be. We got the best doctor.

She'll be there. But nobody told me it was stage four. Yeah. So that that really killed me and still kills me. To this day I don't really get a lot of sleep just thinking about the future. A collage of her was like 40 different pictures. And every day before going to bed, I just look at one picture and then just go back. So I was already having that feeling of I should, I should, I should never happen again.

Yeah, but I'm sorry.

I have to say that I live in Los Angeles, as does, you know, that sun. We all live in Los Angeles and you drive around L.A. and you can't drive five feet without seeing a, you know, giant mural of Kobe or Kobe, his daughter. And, you know, he's he's got a halo or he's you know, it's very like he's a saint here, but it's very different for you because you knew him as a person and someone you worked with and someone who was your friend and someone you guys you guys went through a lot of intense stuff together.

And for everyone else, it's a different relationship. You know, for you, it's this very personal connection. And I think for ninety nine point nine nine nine nine nine percent of the planet, it was someone who they just experienced through their fame. So they have grief, but it's different than your grief, you know, and I'm trying to talk to actually talk to his mom, dad and sisters at least once a month.

Yeah. Just to say I just loved all of them going through their pain as a means way more. And Vanessa, their pain is way more than a mother.

Yeah, well, I think I want to think about this last year. I think about it almost starting with hearing about Kobe's death and then almost immediately into covid. And it's been one thing after another. And I've come out now we're almost we're over a year later. It just keeps reminding me that life is something we're so lucky to have that I'm trying to take that away from this last year is that that's what we started with, which is we're so lucky.

We're just lucky people. And we have to try and share that with with everyone around us and be grateful that it's a year later and we're still here.

Are you guys in a guitar club or something?

You can see. All right. This is what I know. I know this feels like life feels like when you login into something and like the security thing. How many guitars do you see?

Yeah, I know. Oh, I forgot that room for five years. Well, I think it's six.

I look at this. I got one oh six seven eight. Oh jeez. Oh my God.

Yeah. Mine's not a real guitar. It's just a shelf. Got it. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm not as cool as these guys.

Well actually maybe you're cooler because it's cooler to have a guitar shelf.

You know, it might listen. I know that you are.

I don't want to keep you any longer shack, but I have to say you have been nothing but delightful and kind to me since the first time I met you all the time you were playing basketball. And any time you've been a guest or I've shared a stage with you, you put on a show. It's amazing. I think more almost more than anybody I know. You get the attention of everybody watching and you give them what they want to see in a way that's a real life look.

I would make you look good on a no like that. That's true. That's true.

I like figure. So let's just say you book me and I was a terrible guest. I have some effect on you and your critics and not on my watch. Yeah. The great Conan O'Brien invites you to the show. We could we both kind of put on a show so people can continue to say Canonsburg of Conan show. The top show is my job and my duty to help you stay at the level. Because guess what? When I used to watch, you used to make me love you, help me stay at the level.

So I always try to reciprocate to my favorite people what they done for me.

So you're saying I'm responsible for your four championships in some way?

Yes. Every superstar in L.A. has a piece of the corporation that may shock you. Jack, Adam, Denzel, his lovely wife, Diahann Carroll. Jimmy Marshall. Yep. Like you like when I sit down and I'm not thinking about basketball, I'm watching TV. You guys have done so much for me. You helped me out a joyous place. So when I was on the court to reciprocate the favor, so how can I be on the show, the great Conan O'Brien and I deliver this not on my watch.

Not on your watch.

Wow. I didn't realize this coming on this podcast was such a huge responsibility and strain for you. This this is what you are sweating this one today, weren't you? I was.

Because if we had a bad show, you'll never know.

OK, Shaquille O'Neal, seriously, I'm I am blessed to know you and to experience your just delight firsthand.

So thank you so much. You are a class act and a great guy.

No problem. When I will talk to you soon. All right. You let me know. Bye. Take care. Bye bye. Finally, a shout out from that girl by Shaq. Every now and then, I'll be talking and there's a lot of joking around back and forth, but I sense that I really got her mad and I don't even mean to do it. And last week I was talking to Seona about my favorite pen. Now, my favorite pen is and this is not an ad, I'm not getting paid.

It's the pilot. Precise grip, rolling ball, black pen. I have them right here. My blood is boiling.

And so so just before the pandemic hit, I said to Seona and I sent over the specs. I know I did. And I think Seona said I think Stona said I'm not sure. I think she was said like, yeah, I got the same pen we always get. I got it. So I think you flipped it off on someone. The next thing I knew, you you remembered you handed me a bag of pens. This was just before the pandemic hit.

And I put them up in my eye a year ago, a year, a year, one year ago. But there's a reason for this. So then the pandemic hits. And if for a while there's real lockdown and we're there and I and I run out of my trusty pens, but I go, I don't a sona took good care of me. She got me just what I need there in that bag upstairs. And I go upstairs and I take him out.

I start writing on him and it's a pilot. Precise grip, rolling ball. Fine, not bold.

Oh, my God. Yes. And I knew that he would take my side on this because you're a persnickety you're just a persnickety little Simon. I know you are. And I about pens. I doodle, I draw, I'm constantly writing. It has to be the right pen. And I hate a fine point pen. I hate it fine.

I hate a pen that's stingy with ink.

And boy that pilot pen was so stingy with think the pen was looking up at me, the pen was looking up at me. Every time I went to use it, it was going like, I'll never write out.

I'm inadequate, but I last forever.

And it would scritch script script and it would scratch up the paper. Get this ratchet up. Yeah, but scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch. And I thought, oh my God, this pencil. So I open the next box. Same kind. Same kind of same kind. The house was flooded. You cornered the market on this shitty fine miserly pen.

So miserly. Can I talk now. Can I please. Can I please talk. And I said, what is this. Hold on. So then I go on the Internet and I decide I don't have to. I must take action myself. I must leave my.

Oh God forbid you buy your own pen. I'm oh. Do you realize how terrifying this is for a celebrity. You have no idea. Seona This was a horrifying experience for me. I opened my laptop by myself, which I've never done. And I went on this thing called Amazon and I found what I wanted.

And they said, Do you want it in fine or would you like it in bold? And I said, I'd like it in bold. And they said, You can have as many as you want. How many do you want? I'd like three boxes, please. It'll be there in five minutes. Bang. So all I did was come into work and go see this pen Sona and I drew with. Anyway, it's so much better than the pen you got me a year ago, remember.

Bold. Not fine. You blew a Fuze. Oh my God. OK, can I see you blew a Fuze. I'm going to speak now. First of all, you're making it seem as though you were like and I just like I was like I wanted a bowl. Then you gave me fine. You texted me on a Sunday in the middle of the week. Yeah, on a weekend. And you started basically being like, I don't know who got me fine tip, but I was bold.

And I it was so long ago that we got you these pens and it wasn't right before the pandemic. It was like, I want to say, at least a year and a half ago. And we gave you the pens. And also, whose fault is it that you didn't look at them to make sure that they were the ones that you like? Oh, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah. It's your fault. Sure that you are, sir.

You tolerated the bad medical care. It's your fault or it's your fault.

You should see your bull, bro, or no, I won't have this in my courtroom.

Listen, go on. Screw it. Thank you, Matt. Matt was holding up his pens because just like you, he has his own pens. I'll use anything that right.

But I'm not a monster. I wouldn't expect anybody else to recognize that. The pen persnickety ness. You can I read you the exchange.

Here is how long this goes on. Quick, unimportant note. I said unimportant. Yeah. Oh, I just ordered more pens for myself and remembered that the last big batch that someone ordered was incorrect. I like pilot script.

Oh. Oh my God. And the last thing you said, it's unimportant. That makes it scarier because joking around serious and then you should see the shots of this paragraph. I say unimportant note and then this paragraph looks like at least three sections of the US Constitution. I like precise script, bold and the last batch was fine. Point sounds irrelevant, but it makes a big difference. So I've been giving them away. We won't need to get more for a long time because I just ordered a lot.

But given the pandemic and my mental state, this felt like a worthwhile use of. My time and then, oh, my God. Hold it, hold it. This is good. Listen up. This is OK. Are you keeping the pens at home? Are you going to bring them to the theater? And I said, I'm going to keep them at home. And then my next text says, they're mine, all mine. And then Sonor writes back, yes, they are yours, no one else's.

Then I sent her the link. I sent her the link to the actual correct pen on Amazon. And I write Bould Baby, and then in all caps bow. And then I say, then I blame it on some young people.

And then there's a part where I give it to you, like crushed it. Don't forget that part because that's what. Oh, oh. That's what people listen to this. So I go Bo baby bold.

And then I say this is the worst thing to happen to anyone in the last year to Sona, who I bought you pens like once a million years ago and I don't think we got more. This sounds like a Koenen mistake, if you're going to be honest here. It's branded. And then she said, I know you like playing the blame game, but maybe you bought the wrong ones off Amazon. Maybe we look inward.

That's oh, yes. Maybe we look inward, says Sauna. And then I can't let it go. And I say, yes, this is a Sunday. And I think I think my kids were upstairs going farther. Can you come say good night? No, I'm not done working yet. Then I said I remember. Well, Seona, I asked for more and you gave the task to someone else and they brought the wrong ones. You gave them to me.

They were in a bag. You acted like nailed it. I looked in the bag and assumed they were the right ones. Then I tried to write with one and it was like scratching with a nail. So that's why today, for the first time, I ordered them off Amazon and then I wrote Mike Drop. And then I said and I said, Not your mike drop, my mike drop. And then then she goes, if I go into your Amazon orders history and see you ordered pens a long time ago that were fine, I will never let you forget it.

And then I can't let it go. I go. I remember you gave it to me in a bag, so why would I order them to the office answer. I wouldn't check if you like, but you won't like what you find. It goes on from there.

It gets a little dark. It went on way too long.

Well, like other exchanges, here's one thing. There's a weird madness at work here, which is, yes, I do care about the tip of the pen, but once I get started with Sona and she gets started with me, I can't stop and she can't stop. Right. And it's an out of control nuclear arms race where I can't be the she I can't let her be the last one to write about the pens. And she can't let me be the last one to write about the pens.

And the truth is, I didn't care about the pens anymore. You can I think I used up four screens of texting space to make these wild, insane accusations about the pens sonas, telling me I need to do serious work looking inside my shirt. And I think we look inward. I was resting. I think I was watching the great British baking show and I was just relaxing on the couch. And then when you texted me, there was a level of fury that just came out of me.

And I remember Tarik was like, hey, what are we going to do for dinner? I'm like, No, no, I'm busy. And, you know, it's crazy. You're carrying life, you're carrying twins. And I'm getting your blood pressure up about the precise grip rolling. Paul, I know.

Think of Mark and Marco. No one presses my buttons like Conan. And that's the thing, too, is I knew that I had gotten to you. It depends. Once Seona turns, goes goes full mad bull. I have to I just have to go for it.

And I did look in your Amazon history and they were not there. Meaning I didn't make the mistake.

Yes, I probably a lot, but it was so long ago that I forgot about it. Yeah. If someone makes a mistake a long time ago, I guess it's not a mistake. I think there's a statute of limitations. I don't think you can bring up something that someone purchased like a year and a half later. Yeah, it's kind. Yeah. Yeah.

Like Booth shot Lincoln like 150 years ago. OK, we still work. Did he really do anything wrong? It's a long time ago, yeah.

A president getting assassinated is the same as you getting fined PED's instead of Bould PED's that I know you're persnickety. Do you like a fine tipped pen?

I a medium guy. I'm a honeyball vision, but I have to say I didn't even know the name of these. I just know I like them. I don't think I'm quite at your level.

See, I'm constantly drawing these little people, you know.

Yeah, I'm drawing to look good. I drew during the office ladies pics.

Wow. Look at that. Why am I here? Why am I here? All right. Well, I think we should move on.

Let's drop this and let's move boldly into the future. All right, fine.

Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Sunim Obsession, and Conan O'Brien has himself produced by me, Matt Cawley, executive produced by Adam Sachs. Joanna. Tara and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Airwolf theme song by the White Stripes, Incidental Music by Jimmy Luisito. Our supervising producer is Aaron Belayer and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. The show is engineered by Will Beckton. You can rate and review the show on Apple podcast and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

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