Hi, my name is W. Comeout Bell, and I feel insistent about being Conan O'Brien's friend.

That's the way. You kick the door down.

I kick the door. I'm not leaving without being your friend. I'll take all these people with me.

Fall in school, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens, Hey there. Welcome to Konan O'Brien Needs a Friend. As usual, I'm joined by Mr. Matt Gourley. Matt, how are you?

Hi, I'm fine. I'm in full voice.

Yes, exactly. You bring that up for a reason because Sona came in today, and she has no voice, and she just keeps making us giggle because your attempts to talk are a lot of fun. What's going on with you?

My voice is gone. My voice is gone.

My voice is gone. Do you know why your voice is gone? Did you go to a club? Did you scream at your twins? No.

I think that I… Andy explained this to me.

Andy, I'm going to translate because it's very hard. Sometimes when a mouse is talking at the bottom of a well, it's hard to hear everything the mouse says. But what the mouse at the bottom of the well just said was Andy was talking, and that's Andy Richter. Andy Richter. Who's out in the hallway.

Who's out in the hallway said that sometimes if you have a lot of mucus, which I did, it could sometimes happen. He explained it, and I listened, I understood, and I forgot.

I think it's better to go to Andy Richter than any doctor. He told me my heart's fine, by the way.

Is it not fine?

Well, every now and then. Wait, what? No, I'm saying I go to Andy for all important- What's wrong with your heart? I go to Andy for all important decisions about my health. No. You still came in, which makes you a real troopa.

Well, I didn't want I couldn't say I- Couldn't.

Just couldn't. Not couldn't.

Today is not the day, O'Brien.

Today is not the day. This is sad because your voice is your superpower, and you without your voice is pitiful.

Imagine being in an ethnic house with a lot of Armenians and not being able to project. It's the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

It's the worst thing that's ever happened to me. You have such a powerful voice, and Eduardo, you will chime in on this, that she has blown out many of our microphones.

Yeah, this is her fourth microphone.

Oh, my God. Can you do that? No, it's true. We've got very sophisticated equipment in here. I speak in what's been described as dulcet tones, Gurly Hero Pro.

Yeah, they call me the pod, the velvet pod. The foggy pod voice. The pod-y.

The foggy pod.

He's a foggy pod. The other problem, I have to admit, is, Bley sits in on these, and he's a giant bellows that you'd put next to a fireplace. You're extremely loud.

I always have to turn down my earphones when he gets up to the mic.

Don't, just take it easy. Don't do your normal thing, Bley. But when you get excited, it's not your fault, you get excited because you're like a giant sheep dog, and you go running up to the mic and you yell things. All of that is true. That was better. That was fantastic.

Can I also just say, I feel like it's not my fault because I have a large head, so naturally my voice is louder just because of the physicality.

Yeah, I wouldn't know about a large head. Six of your heads It does fit inside one of my head. I'm not interested in that excuse. Sona, does it hurt to talk? I hope. I hope. No, what I meant to say was, is it painful when you speak?

No, it's not painful. It doesn't hurt at all.

It's painful to me.

I don't care. I don't care what's painful to you. What's it? Your kids understand. I didn't mean that.

I didn't mean it either.

Do your kids, and you have disciplinary issues with with your twins, but is it hard to keep them? Well, you've sent me videos of them pretty much taking the house apart with hammers. Are you able to control them when you don't have your voice?

No. So yesterday, because I usually read to them when tacks at karate. And then yesterday, I couldn't read to them.

Again, let me just, again, translate. Your husband, Tack, still takes karate.

Three times a week?

Three nights a week, yeah. Well, he's ready. He's ready for that Ninja attack. Okay. I'm so jealous. No, no, not at I think it's ridiculous. You're jealous. A father of two. He has no... There's no time for a karaté.

There's no time. You two think for yourself, you're supposed to continue- No, I go to a place where I am waxed.

Someone else does the waxing. They just put on the... You know what I mean? Then I'm scraped and exfoliated and powdered. Oh, those powders. Anyway, so you- I usually read to the voice.

Mikey could not understand why I couldn't read to him, even though I was like, I just don't have a voice.

I don't have a voice. He probably thought you didn't love him or something.

Yeah, he just... And he yelled, Read, read, read, over and over again for like an hour.

What a monster. What a tyrant. What a tyrant. Oh my God. Yeah. I hated it so much. Very Stalin-esque, I think.

I almost started crying because I was like, What am I going to do? I don't have a voice.

You think I like this? Yeah, he has no empathy. This is the worst thing. Yeah. Yeah. It's scary. Don't say that about my kid. No, I'm just saying he'll grow and let's just tell Patee develops an empathetic inner voice. Oh, my God. Well, I'm just saying it's for him to be screaming at his sick mother. Terrible. You're the one to talk. You're an awful person. Your daughter's lovely, by the way. She is lovely. Clearly empathetic. No? What's the matter with your daughter?

Nothing's wrong with my daughter. She's just really given us a run for her money. I was up at 3:00 and haven't been asleep since. Also, she's big into role play, where she'll go like, You're Elsa. I'm Anna, or you're Cookie Monster. I'm Big Bird. But then now she goes up to Strangers in the Street. She'll go up to a grown man by himself, look at me, point at him and go, You You're this guy. The guy's like, What?

She's directing an improv show with unwilling participants.

Yeah, which makes me feel like I got to go up to the guy and go like, Can you give me some of your character traits? What are you into? I got to faithfully portray you, or my daughter's going to throw a tantrum.

You do have a laugh. Your laugh works, though. A little bit there. Yeah, that's nice. The laugh works. As long as the laugh works, I'm happy. As long as I get the chuckles, I'm Do you feel any...

You have any...

Any what? Are you at all? I can't hear. I'm sorry. Oh, this is the sweetest thing. No, I really want to hear you. I do.

I want to say, do you feel at all sad for me? Why are you laughing so much?

You dick. I'm not laughing at you. I'm so sorry. I don't call me a dick, you big rod. No, I'm not.

Big rod.

I'm not sad. Listen, I'm on your side. I do feel sad for you. I don't tell you.

I think it's adorable. I have to say, I'm being really honest now. Sona, I don't feel badly for you. I feel I don't. I have no feelings of sadness. I think it's adorable. I want to give you a little cheese. I want you to live in a little hole in the wall. I want you every now and then to decide that you're going to take a little leaf and turn it into a boat and go down a stream. Do you know what I mean? That would be nice. And then when it rains, you just take a little top of an acorn, you put it over you. It protects you from the rain.

I wish I didn't come in to work today.

I'm so glad you did. It makes me happy.

The good thing is that after the interview, we're going to come back for a segment and talk more about this.

Good. I'm You're about to be part of the segment, and that's going to be fun. Because I'm sure it's going to be a great interview, but just you chiming in every now and then a little squig-squick is going to make me happy.

You're such a bad person.

Yeah, probably. All right, we should go. Sona, best of luck. I apologize. Best of luck during the interview. You apologize. My guest today is an Emmy Award-winning comedian and writer. I won't apologize. Now, you can see him as a guest correspondent on the 16th season of the ABC series, What Would You Do? Streaming on Hulu. He's a good to us. I'm thrilled he's with us today. W, come out, Bell. Welcome.

I have sent you emails, and you respond to those emails, which is ahead of a lot of people. I feel like that's- No, I'm. Oh, so now I'm hearing you respond to every email.

I just respond to every email. I just respond to everything.

You were Nigerian princes.

I'm so tight. I am so tight with the Nigerian prince. I didn't just give money. I then He visited the Nigerian Prince, and we hang a lot. He's a very nice person. It's terrible what happened to him.

Subject line is, I want to catfish you. You're like, Sure, let's talk about this. How do we get this catfish going?

I remember we had one, we were going back and forth on something, and then you, for some reason, sent me a picture of your apartment, and I was like, You need to clean. Oh, yeah. Remember? Then I felt like I had invaded your space. But it was very messy. I'm just saying you got to get that shit together.

First of all, I live in a house. I don't know why I got put in an apartment. I I'm a grown man with children.

All I could see was one room. Well, I didn't go.

Let me show you every room in my house.

I didn't- That's what I expected.

To be a completion. Let me show you the outside, every room. Here's my kids' rooms, all three of them. Here's my wife's room. Here's a closet. Here's some clothes. I forget what the reason was, but I'm sure it was a regular reason at the time, and I feel weird that you brought it up.

I'm glad I brought it up. I just demonstrated to everyone two things that were capable of being very close, and you could be neater. Those are the two things I wanted to come out of this podcast.

Those two things are true. Those two things are true. That is true. Since then, we moved into a smaller house, and now my area is the room, is the area of the house next to my side of the bed. That's the only area I get to do with what I want. It makes it easier to clean up now.

Do you have any weapons in the house?

That's what I want to know. No, we don't have any weapons in the house. I have a five-year-old who's very feral.

Okay, I want to- What are you going to do?

A home invasion? Why are you asking?

I'm bringing this up for a reason. I'm bringing this up for a reason. I want to get your take on this and tell me if I'm crazy or not. This is friends with a comedian actor, Joel McHale. Joel McHale's running shtick with me is he always gives me weapons, not guns or anything like that, but interesting steampunky weapons that you can buy on the dark web.

One of those knives does this. You get one of those.

All kinds of crazy things. I always ended up hiding them and putting them on a high shelf. And then, I think it was my birthday last year, he gave me a crossbow, a real crossbow. So now I'm announcing this to the world, but when am I going to use a crossbow? And it's apparently a very nice crossbow, and it's a box. It's completely unassembled in the box. So I just put the box way on this top shelf, way, way. And when I say top shelf, I'm 6'4. How tall are you? 6'4. Okay. I have to stand on a box to reach the top of this shelf and slide this box up there. So it's way, way, way up on top of this very high shelf in our garage. And it's facing the other way, so you can't even see what it is. And it's this box. And inside, it has a disassembled crossbow. And the other day, my wife is saying, I think it's just crazy you have that thing in the garage. I said, What? She said, I mean, anyone breaks into our garage? There's a weapon right there? I said, What? Then she said, Someone could come in and they could use that crossbow against us.

I said, Hold on a second. You're saying someone could come into our garage, see that box, investigate it, spend 40 minutes assembling a 14th-century weapon, and then come up into our bedroom and I said, And menace us? That's what I used. I said, Menace us? With a crossbow? And they'd got one shot and then I charge? I was like, Okay, that part. What?

You don't strike me as a charger.

I'm not a charger.

You strike me as a target.

No. You strike me as an old-school cowerer.

Yes.

You're like an old-school, not even new-school I'm sorry.

I misspoke. My wife would charge, I would flee. Fair enough. Okay.

Flee screaming, The money's in there.

I can always remarry. I would scream as I fled.

The insurance is in her name.

She has more shoes than you think. As I flee into the under brush. Anyway, I just thought, no, that's not something I... Yes, if I had a handgun lying around, but I don't think that's a legitimate thing to be worried about. I want you to weigh in.

I just like the fact that the person breaks into the house. First of all, you have no security, apparently, which is interesting.

Breaks in the house- I like to get that out there, too. I do not. No security.

There's no alarm.

I don't believe in alarms and locks. They don't really work.

They get to this high They're on the shelf, so let's say it's like Victor Wimbenyama breaks into your house. He just reaches up and grabs it because he's 7'4.

It would have to be someone, yeah, very tall.

Who can see it. He just looks and goes, Oh, a crossbow right there. Pulls it, opens it up. It's a crossbow. Probably not expecting a crossbow. Then they pull up a YouTube on their phone. How to assemble this crossbow? You hear all the... In that time, you and your wife are just deep ambient sleep. No deep sleep.

Then comes into the bedroom, and the The first thing I would do is I'd be looking at the crossbow and the person wielding it and probably noticing that they've missed a step in the assembly. I'd be saying that- One of those ones you have to step on and pull up? Oh, yeah. I think it's a very complicated. There's a ratchet.

Oh, my God. Crossbows were always complicated. That's why we don't still have them around in general. They very quickly were like, This isn't worth it.

There was a rash of drive-by crossbow firing.

Yeah. Muskets also didn't last very long. You better stand there for 20 It's while I get this reloaded. Yeah, these are not the weapons that- I'm going to empty this powder into this.

Yeah.

But I can guarantee my wife would not let me have any style of crossbow assembled or unassembled in the house.

There's been one of the rest. Well, so you're saying my wife You get it. You get it. Maybe I was wrong. I was having fun with the whole thing as I do, mocking her.

First mistake is a husband.

Yeah, robbing her of her agency, and I was wrong. I admit now that I was wrong. Okay, good thing. But we also have a fully functioning World War II landmine. It's armed? I just thought someone would go to that first. Of course it's armed, dummy. I'm not going to buy a dud online. That thing cost me $600.

Now that I'm with because that's fully armed. It's ready to go.

It's ready to go. I'm always amazed at people that... I think it's a big thing here in LA is people that have a lot of weapons in the house. I always think, That just doesn't go well. That never is. It doesn't seem like a good idea.

People forget that California is basically Texas with gay people. You know what I mean? It's not really this bright blue, whatever. Most of the state is Texas, so there's a lot of guns here. There's a lot of guns. We just We have different laws, but it doesn't mean we don't have the number of guns. Right.

But Joel would give me... He gave me a... Were you there, Adam? He gave me a mace. But it's a modern interpretation of a night's mace. It's not the big spiky ball, but it was this steampunk mace that someone's making in their basement and selling them online.

The mace somebody would pitch on Shark Tank. Exactly. I have updated the mace. Right.

Two of the sharks would be interested. Yeah. Others, you know- Mr.

Wonderful is definitely in. Mr.

Wonderful would be like, I'm in, but we're doing it my way.

You license the Mace. Mark Cuban, the Dallas Mavericks, we don't have a mace in our team store.

I have to say Mark Cuban is always the one saying, For that reason, I'm out. He always says it almost immediately. Almost immediately. That's his kid. He rarely gets involved. I'd like this to be a deep dive on Shark Tank. I don't watch any type.

I don't watch Shark Tank.

I did have a period of time where I was like, That was the one show I watched. I could do a deep dive on it. That was the only show I watched on TV.

Should I quickly explain? Sona showed up today. She has lost her voice. She was at an all night rave. I went to a rave This is her real voice right now. I just wanted- Did you really? I said I raved it. In case people don't know, they're listening to this interview with this very funny guest.

I wear a candy necklace.

I'm just At one point, you were saying, I'm not sure I should come in, and I was praying that you would come in because it sounds like you're at the bottom of a very deep hole. I know.

It's awful. I didn't why it felt bad coming in because it is distracting. I'm a very loud person.

No, I know. I'm also mad at you a little bit, too. Oh, what? We have beef. What? We have beef? We have beef. We have beef. We have beef. Let's hear it.

Because I invite you to the rave.

No, that's the second beef. We have two beef. We have double beef.

Double beef. Two patties.

Two patties of beef. Our books came out on the same day. Oh, that's right.

I remember that. But you know what? I remember that because I saw your name on the New York Times best seller list right next to mine. Except you stayed there longer.

Yeah, that's why the beef is not as hot as it would have been. But I did notice. I was like, Oh, well, excuse me, competing on this weird, obscure list that doesn't make any sense. I know. Random assortment of lists written by people who might be celebrities.

Matt, there are four people at this table. Two of them are talking about the day that they were on the New York Times best seller list, and you and I don't know what's happening. We don't experience that.

No, we don't. But we know our World War II minds.

It was a contact mind.

Was that a New York Times best seller rave last night? Then I will be mad.

Yeah, it was. All their favorite members on the list were invited.

The guy who wrote The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck.

He was tearing it up. Was it the- He didn't give a fuck.

I was I just love listening to her like this. Is there any way... I don't want this to sound in any way insensitive, but can we do something to you surgically so you always sound like this? This is fantastic.

No, I don't think so.

I mean, they could. Yes, they could. You shouldn't, but yes, that is a thing that could happen.

Well, thank you, doctor. You could.

It's like Jurassic Park. You can do it. Should you do it is the second question.

Exactly.

It's the first time I've seen you vulnerable. It's nice.

It's nice?

I hate it so much. It's like a pirate who's now in a tiny little canoe. You're used to the pirate being like, Arr, and they've got lots of men with cutlaces and you're scared. Now you've got this little canoe and a little pea shooter. What the hell? I'm sorry. That's what you are Oh, my God.

She's screaming right now.

No one's afraid of you. I heard him screaming.

It was like General Patty took a hit off a helium balloon.

The trick is not to die for your country. It's to get the other son of a bitch to die for his country.

It's what else is going on with you.

Here's what I want to say, an area where I do think... First of all, I always bonded with you over TV. We just love to watch a lot of television. We grew up watching a lot of television. It infected us early. I think it's where probably we got a lot of our sense of humor. But you watch a lot of YouTube. Oh, yes. That is something I don't do nearly as much.

How did you find that out? Yes, I do watch a lot of YouTube.

I did find it out. What do you like to watch on YouTube that you're not getting on television? What's YouTube giving you that? That's not challenging because I just want to know, should I be watching more YouTube?

There's a phenomenon called slow radio, which is like radio where not much is happening. Youtube is like slow TV, so it doesn't have to be a lot happening, but it just keeps happening in front of you, and it can help you settle your brain, I feel like, sometimes. It's not like in an era where every TV show you turn on, it's like, Well, the last episode, you got to wear the supranification of television where- You need to know this much. Yeah, I'm out. I have three kids. I'm busy. I can't do all that. Last night, I watched a guy, Dr. Connor. He's from the UK and somewhere, and he cleaned out somebody's impacted ear.

Okay.

He's got a British accent, so it's very light and entertaining.

You missed the rave for that?

Yeah, I missed the rave for that. Well, it was a really impacted ear.

He couldn't come. He was really impacted.

He was really impacted.

Now, he couldn't come. He was impacted.

I started with, I used to watch, I still do Dr. Pimplepopper. Everybody knows Dr. Pimplepopper. Then I moved to ears. The gateway. The gateway to ear. Yeah.

Last time- You're an ear, nose, and throat man.

I'm an ear, nose, and throat man. Then there's just a lot of- I'm a breast guy, and you're an ear, nose, and throat man. Then there's a lot of people. There's a whole generation of young people growing up who don't actually even want to be on TV. They're actually spending time and effort to make things that are very good, that should be on TV, maybe. But these people didn't grow up in a TV generation. They're just like, I watched a four-hour video about plagiarism on YouTube. Oh, really? Yeah. Like four hours, just about plagiarism as it happens on YouTube by a guy named H Bomer guy. I didn't know I was going to watch all four hours of it. I was like, Let's see what happens. Then it's like 3:00 in the morning, I'm holding my phone. I got to see how this ends. Does he solve the case? They're called video essays. There's FD Signifier, H Bomer guy. I just discovered Lindsay Ellis. There's all these people who are making these, basically, documentaries, but out of their homes on YouTube. It's better. I find it to be more entertaining when it's on TV, generally.

What about cooking shows? Do you ever do cooking shows? Yeah.

Who's the guy Binging with Babish is good because he takes... You would like this. He takes food that has been on television. For example, on the Simpsons, they make something and he makes it in real life. So you get to see the food that has been a part of TV shows that he then creates.

I could see that for most any other TV show, but Simpsons is a cartoon, so I don't know how they're recreating. I mean, if someone goes to Moes and orders something- I think the sandwich, the famous, the big sandwich that Homer wore.

What he thinks is his version of that. When he does like, Soprano stuff and the God. He does a lot of... There's just a variety of things on YouTube. For example, my daughter wanted to learn how to ride a bike, and I don't know how to teach a kid how to ride a bike. We were at the park, she's like, I want to learn today. She's very consistent. I googled easy way to teach a kid to ride bike on YouTube, and up tops this video of this guy who's like, Here's how you teach a kid how to ride a bike in five minutes, and it worked in about seven minutes. That's fantastic. I feel like YouTube gets disrespected because we think we know it.

I think there's a certain thing that's perfect, and that's a perfect application for YouTube. The ways that I use YouTube are mostly for guitar. There'll be a song that I hear and I really want to hear it. All I have to do is push in, How do I play that song on the guitar? There are nine people there. Two are always from England, I don't know why, and they're in their basement, and they're showing me how to do it. They're being very patient. I really connect with some of these people, and I think that's a fantastic use of it. I think when people are going on YouTube to learn how to defend themselves legally in a court of law or remove a cornea, that's where it's a problem.

Well, yeah, that happened to me. I shouldn't have removed that cornea.

But fair. Then you went on How to put it back.

How to put a cornea back. In five minutes because I don't have a lot of time. How do I reattach this cornea?

Life is good?

Not really.

Here's the thing. I overheard. I'm coming down the stairs because I hear you talking to Andy Richter, who's out there hanging out, taking food from the kitchen.

Yeah, it's a co-working space. It was really funny.

Selling it online. As I was coming down the stairs, he said, How's it going? And you said...

I did the thing where you answered honestly, which you're not supposed to do. I forget sometimes that you're supposed to be like, Oh, it's great. It's not bad, but you know.

Not in that voice. Well, that's how you know it's not great.

It's great. Well, that's like, Hey, everything's fine. Thanks for asking. I feel really great about all my life choices in the state of the world.

It's really growing great. I have no issues. I have nothing.

I got three kids. That's a perfect number of kids to have. You got a 12-year-old, a 9-year-old, a 5-year-old. Those ages are all awesome. Yeah, everything's great. Nothing going wrong. Mom's 86. Things are perfect. Yes.

Life.

I picked the right business to be in. Show business. I've made a lot of good choices. Yeah. No, so things are good.

I get the sense, correct me if I'm wrong, you like some chaos.

Oh, no.

No, I wouldn't- No, I feel like because you always have... It always feels to me like you have a bunch of things. Too many things. Too many things going on at the same time, and you must be drawn to that. I get very phobic. People want me to be thinking about more than one thing at a time, and I visibly tense up because I just want to think about one thing at a time. I feel like you like to put yourself in a position where, okay, I'm doing this show for ABC, but I'm doing this special for CNN, but I'm also doing this, and I'm also doing that, and then I'm building a kiln to make some parts.

Yeah. Then I got to finish that ear impact video. My problem is that I'm just curious about a lot of things, so I definitely do tend to overload myself with like, I can do this and I can do that. Then also, again, show business, you can't be like, I'm going to do one project because that's going to be the one that is going to pay my bills. You're like, I got to probably should start all four these things and see what happens. Then I look up and be like, Oh, my God. There's too many things. But I am, unfortunately, as an only child, curious about a lot of things, can talk myself into any idea and often attracted to ideas that are like... That later I'm like, Whose idea was this? My wife's like, You're the one who decided to do a four-hour documentary about Bill Cosby. I'm like, Oh, that's right. It wasn't me. That never gets a laugh.

It used to.

I was like, as being a stand-up comic and who's doing... I have to make my own gravy, like the dog food commercial. I can't wait for somebody else to go, You're the guy. I know where I exist in this business, thankfully. I'm not going to get the call where it's like, We figured out who the next Marvel hero is. It's you. It's not going to happen. I just know that I have to do my own thing.

Also the training involved and the dieting. That's why I haven't done it. Oh, really? That's the reason. That's the reason.

Yeah. Every day they call, Are you ready?

What are they offering you? What role?

Don't let him pick. You can have your pick.

Well, apparently, Captain Marvel had a... Is there a Captain Marvel? Yeah, but it's a woman. It's a woman. Yeah. Well, she has a great grandmother, and I could play her. Grand Marvel. Yeah, with a prominent eye vein and thin lips. But also, I had to get in kick-ass shape for that. Oh, boy.

No, I just- Is this kick-ass shape?

Yeah.

I didn't know. I just don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

Clearly, you took your glasses off. You can't see. You're sitting opposite an incredible male specimen. I'm sure.

I just didn't know.

I didn't know.

I was making sure that I could judge what you think kick-ass shape is.

There's waves of testosterone coming off my body right now. Right, Sona?

No, there isn't at all.

She's like, There's not a wave.

I think it's your body deflecting testosterone.

Oh, that's it. It's testosterone trying to- Testosterone is passing through your body. If there's any testosterone in the air, my body repels it immediately and makes a cloud. Yeah, I'm enjoying this.

I'm so glad you like it.

Yeah. I like when you burn. That was really satisfying. Yeah, that was good.

That was really good.

Who do you sound like?

Move Move on.

Move on.

Who is it? Move on. It's like Marlin Brando when he's dying in the godfather. Okay.

It is someone who's bleeding out. Yeah. It's someone who just has maybe another minute to live and it's like, My killer was... And then nothing.

And then I die.

Chaz Palmentari. Oh, God. Is that what you're getting? Chaz Palmetery. I'm getting a little Chaz Palmetery.

That actually worked. I'm going to go ahead and say, I hate it. It is Chaz Palmetery from a Bronx tale. No, it's not. It's a Bronxdale.

No, it's not.

It is. It's a Bronx tale Chaz Palmetery. Is it? And by the way, when you leaned in and said, I'm getting a little Chaz Palmetery, I thought, in a different context, that could mean something very different. You know what I mean?

Say, now you Now you can't leave.

Now you can't leave.

That's yes, Chaz.

You know what? Tak says, I sound like the pervert from the family guy.

You don't know who he's talking about. No, I don't. That's why I went, Oh. But he's getting a little Chaz Palmetery. Oh, that's your fake.

Lending in.

That's your fake. I do it. I do that when I don't know what's going on. When someone's going to say, Yeah, well, the Environmental Protection Agency made that ruling in 1974, I go, Oh, yeah. Sure they did.

They're not going to talk anymore.

No, We love it. Keeps chiming in. No. Okay. This gig you're working on now, you're a guest correspondent on this ABC show that you were a fan of already called What Would You Do?

I mean, yeah, this show, What Would You Do? It's been on the air. It's for 15 seasons. It's one of those shows that a lot of people don't think about, but if you describe it to them, they're like, Oh, yeah, I've seen that show. It's John Quinones sets up these prank things, but always with a sense of, Will people help? It's been on the air for a long time. It's big on social media. It's big with TikTokers. But it's because there's all these short clips of seeing people in awkward situations, trying to figure out what people would respond to that situation. I've seen it and thought it was a good show, but never in any way thought that I would be invited to be a part of it. But I got a call because the skills that I think I've developed over the years seem to be applicable to this. I got to film it in Mobile, Alabama, which is my dad's hometown.

You said, I want to film this. Did you choose Mobile or was it just a nice coincidence?

They knew I was for Mobile. They chose it for me. I think also because John was like, I'm not going to Alabama. You can only film it in certain states because you can't do hidden camera shows like you can't do in California. Of course, you can do them anywhere in the south because the laws are just...

There are no laws. The times I've seen the show, I think I saw one where there was either a pregnant woman or a woman pretending to be pregnant, and her husband's or her partner's berating her for like, You got to lose weight, and they're just trying to see if anyone is going to do anything. It's nice because I always like it, obviously, when people rise to the occasion.

Yeah, I think it's early. We live in this time of like, I mean, it's been overstated. It's the most divided. It's the most polarized. It just shows that people will generally step up if they can help in some small way. It's not a assembly or a crossbow level of help, but if there's some I can tell you to I see you being taken advantage of, let me help you out. So yeah, it's heartwarming at a time of heart coldening in this country.

Are you a... This gets tricky, but I always lean slightly optimistic, even during these times, and sometimes I get shit for that. But I do read a lot of history, and I'm reading a book now about 19th century and an election where the country is completely divided, and one side thinks the other side cheated, and there's a lot of misinformation. Samuel Tilden thinks that he won the presidency, but there's this massive fight between Hayes and Tilden. I'm reading it and going, Oh, we've been here before. I keep reading things and thinking, We've been here before the difference being now that we have the internet. But I try to always maintain some calm. But unfortunately, my rallying cry is, Hey, everybody, things have always been shitty. Take it easy. There was a lot of misinformation, cruelty, and just overall cruttiness for hundreds of years. That doesn't seem to cheer people up.

If the country can overcome Samuel Tilden, you all remember how hard that was during the same- It was a big deal. It was a big deal.

People were bringing weapons to Congress and threatening each other. I can't even imagine. I was reading about it and I was thinking, Wait a minute. This is madness. We've done this before.

I always feel like optimism only means something if people are doing the work to make the optimism make sense. I think some people like to use optimism as a way to go, It's going to be fine. Anyway, back to Love at First sight or whatever that show is. Anyway, back to this video of this guy getting this crud out of this ear. But I think that if you're not literally doing the work to make things better, or you're not in some way putting yourself out there to help, then the optimism is ill-founded. But as a student of history, you also know no country is on top forever. I feel like we might be in the... I think the world might be fine, but America might be over.

That's what we did. Jesus. All the time we have for today I'm going to wrap things up now. How come that makes me laugh? But wait a minute. But then the question is, what does it mean when they say it's over? Sometimes people say to me, Oh, there's going to be a civil war, and I say, Well, it's not going to be 1861 where the country is divided over a fairly neatly defined Mason Dixon Line, and you've got Northern and Southern States, it's going to be Oxnard's fighting with Malibu. It's going to be- I'd like to see that, Joe. Exactly. Do you know what I mean? I don't understand how there's a... And then I also feel like, yes, people are really riled up, but they're also going to want to still be able to go to their ATM and get their money and then go to that movie they want to see or whatever. They're going to want to go to that restaurant they want. I don't see what it looks like. What is the Civil War going to look like?

I think that... I don't know exactly how it plays out, but I do think that there's... When people go to see Rome, what are you going to see? What are the things that the tourists want to see? Like the ruins of what it used to be. I think you might This used to be a restaurant I went to.

They have the Colosseum, and you're saying that we're going to be-Sofi Stadium. Well, that's it. Okay, all right. I was picturing a cheesecake factory that has got vines growing all over it.

This was a food court.

You would imagine they had Italian food, but also Greek food.

It's called 711, but it was open 24 hours.

But go ahead. You were making a serious point.

No, I don't have to do that.

No, I want to hear it.

No, I think that even think about this, with immigration, this country was whatever it was because we had the best publicist going who said, If you're smart somewhere in the world, go to America, and you can then be the best version of yourself. We got credit for a lot of people coming here to then give us their talents and then be American. Now, I think if you're some smart kid growing up somewhere on the other side of the planet, you're like, Is that really? Is America the place I want to go? Then some other place becomes that place, and I don't know what that place is.

I Google every day like, What's the new America? Where are they going? Because I still think when I travel around that I do think people are still interested in coming to the United States.

No, I just think it.

You're just looking ahead.

You're saying- I'm looking post-November. That's all I'm doing.

I thought you meant the near future. We're okay. We got till November.

Actually, I get this question a lot. Are you hopeful, come out? People want me to be hopeful because I think that means they don't have to do anything. Yeah.

I want you to be... That's why I asked you. Yeah.

You want me to be like, It's fine.

I want you to say it's fine, so then I can go yogurt shopping. Yeah, exactly.

That's why I'm like, I'm looking for a gated community that has three gates, one inside the other. Then you could say, I don't have an alarm system. I just have three gates.

I have nine gates. No, I don't know.

It doesn't have to be this way. There are things we can do to make this country better than it is, but we have to be invested in outcomes that are outside of just if it's better for us in particular. Americans have a hard time with that. You drive through cities and you see sites of things that go, This didn't used to look like this, or, These people didn't used to live like this in this way. We drive past and you go, Well, good luck to those people. But I think that we have to be invested in the success of the community. I think one thing that has happened politically in this country is a lot of people in this country are really uninvested in community. They're more invested in themselves.

It's It's very easy for people to just surf online and be made enraged.

Because if you let the algorithm run you, the algorithm will always push you towards anger. Yes. So the algorithm runs on us all. You're more likely to be like, I hate that guy, and click to the next thing. They're like, Isn't that nice? So I think that that's why it's on both sides is because if you're really locked in on social media, you'll be angry all day. So for me, when I post on social media, I try to give people an opportunity to engage or help instead of just, Isn't this sad? Isn't this terrible? Or laugh, like, Isn't this funny? I think Isn't this funny? Is way better than Isn't this sad? With no help attached to it. Right.

I think that brings it back to comedians. I think comedians are the real heroes. Oh, God. Isn't that where we were going?

I think if there's any heroes in this world-True. I don't need that gig. If there's anybody who really... I mean, the true Purple Heart winners are the comedians in basements and nightclubs around this country.

No, no, no, no, no. Just specific ones with podcasts. Oh, oh, for me?

Yeah. Well, podcasting is really the real-Yeah, that's the real hero. First of all, just even getting a podcast shows that you've really decided to become a hero.

Yeah. The heroes used to be late night hosts, and then about two and a half years ago, I feel like it switched over. Yeah, it's weird. It's weird timing. Who can say why? On this show, did you get to be in on what these scenarios would be?

I got to guide them and put my two sense in. It's funny when you watch the show because John Kenyotis is really managing the show on a device. Tell them to say this, and I'm watching the show in real-time. Like, Oh, don't do that. I'm watching it like a viewer. Because my dad's from Alabama, I felt really connected to, Don't embarrass me, Alabama, because as we all know, Alabama is good for embarrassing itself. When Alabama looks good, it's like they scored a touch on it. I'm like, Yeah, Alabama doesn't look Because Alabama really goes- That's on the license plate, by the way. Yeah, Alabama goes way out of its way.

That's their motto.

I've been texting people in Alabama like, Can I still come home? Can I still walk around?

How old were you when you left Alabama?

I've been going my whole life, so I never was... I used to go every summer. I lived there for two and a half years, but I've never lived there for a whole period of time.

Am I wrong? I would feel like summer would be the time to take a break from Alabama. That's got to be brutal.

My mom felt summer was the time to ship her son off to Alabama so she could enjoy her summer. That was how my mom was like, Go visit your dad so you can connect with your dad. I grew up thinking that my mom never- You should be very close to the equator.

Yeah.

I grew up thinking my mom never had a social life, but she's like, No, I did that in the summer. That's when I was out doing fun things is when I would send you to your dad's in Alabama.

Were you an only child? I have an only child. Oh, my God. Yeah.

Okay.

I don't know. I can only imagine. Trust me, as a child, I spend a lot of time imagining.

Whenever I find these sad, only children who are like, I wish I had. I'm like, I had none of that. I was so happy to be an only child. I feel like you get to have your own thoughts. You get to think your own things. You get to do your own thing. I have three daughters and they're always just fighting about nonsense. Sometimes I'm like, I say to my middle kid, Yeah, it was great to be an only child. I understand what you're dealing with right now because I wouldn't want to put it with any of this nonsense.

Explaining your fascination. Now, you need to explain it because it It makes sense to me. But I want to talk to you about Denzel Washington because you've devoted a chunk of your life to Denzel Washington. Yes, an incredible actor, a very good look. What?

Yes, an incredible actor. Like, yes. Yeah, Michael Jordan, pretty good at basketball.

I didn't say pretty good.

I But you said, yes, an incredible actor.

Well, yes, I'm just saying, but there are... What is it about Denzel Washington specifically?

Well, me and my friend Kevin Avery, who's also a comedy writer and actor, had a podcast for years called Denzel Washington is the Greatest actor of All Time, Period, because we felt we needed to declare that he was the greatest actor of all time period because he clearly is, and he did not get the respect at the time. I just think that it feels weird. Why is chocolate delicious? I don't know, Konan.

I don't like chocolate.

You're the weird one.

That's stupid.

I love that you, Sona tried to gasp, and it just sounded like one of those people that has a hole in their throat. Come on. Yeah, it just sounds like a tea kettle that had no water in it.

I'm Debbie from the smoking commercial.

There you go.

With the hole in her throat.

That's what you are. Yeah. There you go. I smoked for 20 years. We figured it out. Can you just say, I smoked for 20 years?

I smoked for 20 years.

Oh, okay. That's a good laugh. Terrible cancer. Anyway. Oh, my God. Well, I hope you're happy.

I'm just saying I sound like Debbie.

Yeah, I think it's terrible. You should be sharing it yourself.

Has Denzel ever been on the podcast?

He has not. I don't think I've ever been. Does he do a podcast?

I don't think. That's one of the things I like about him. He doesn't do any of it. He does not do.

Yeah, and it doesn't need to.

No, he's at that last era of actor who doesn't have to have social media. Even when he wins awards, he's not that impressed with it.

He does a lot of game shows.

He's the new host of Family For You. He's taking over for Steve Harvey.

He has so much class and dignity. I'm just picturing him doing stuff on Nickelodeon, getting slimed and being like, This is what you got to do. Got to get the word out on the enforcer or whatever. I don't know. Equalizer. Equalizer? Okay, sorry.

That's all right. No, I just think he I think me and my friend Kevin would realize that we were talking about Denzel a lot, and we realized that we didn't hear other people talking about him as much. We just felt like nobody ever thinks him as being one of the... I mean, maybe he's not the greatest, but nobody thinks him really as being among the greatest actors of all time, period.

He gets respect, I'm thinking. I feel like Denzel Washington gets a lot of respect.

But whenever you talk about the greatest actors, there's a crew of De Niro and Pacino and DiCaprio, all the O actors. Well, yeah.

He's more consistent than all three of them.

Yes, and he's still a box office drawer, even though he's getting up there. But he's like, and I think the issue that he has had is because of the Hollywood and the racism of Hollywood. He's not seen as being in that same lane. I feel like we were just like, We need to claim him and also give him his flowers before he passes, because when he goes away, there's going to be a ton of like, He's the greatest thing. But I felt like I would like him to hear it now, even though it was embarrassing when I found out he had heard about the-Oh, he did hear about it? Yeah. First Kevin met him at some event in LA. At that point, I had my first TV show, so Kevin was like, Oh, yeah, me and my friend, W. Come out Bell, have a podcast about you. He goes, W. Come out Bell, that's that brother's always talking about me on the internet, which I was like, Oh, wow. I felt like he was accusing me of being like, Don't show up in my house. Kevin said he didn't see to seem like, Oh, yeah, we've put him on our list.

We know that he's... Then I got to go to the AFI, Tribute to Denzel Washington, and they invited me to I was like, Well, at least I'm down on the bad list. My wife's like, You have to meet him. You have to go meet him. I was like, I just can't. I feel weird. I did this podcast. I wasn't doing the podcast anymore, but I felt weird about it. I can't go talk to... She's like, You have to. She literally picked me up, not literally picked me up because she's not bigger than me, but she's like, We have to go. She escorted me over. It was during a break. Julia Roberts is there. Spike Lee is there. It's all these famous people. I'm walking over in this rented tuxedo, and Denzel Denzel turns, is talking to Spike Lee, and I'm standing over there. Spike Lee looks at me, who I've met before. Then Spike Lee says something to Denzel. This woman, who's a journalist, says something to Denzel like, This is the... Denzel looks at me and looks at Spike Lee. I don't know if I can say this on the Conan O'Brien podcast, what he said.

Sure, yeah, you can. I'm not going to go for it. You can say anything. Denzel looks at me and goes, My nigga.

Oh. That's cool. First time that's been said on this podcast.

I was going to say, yeah, not since the Harrison Ford episode.

Yeah, I don't know why it was said so often on that podcast.

No, it was so weird. That's when I started paying attention. And like, then stands up and said... He actually said, and I don't know if he still feels the same way, but in that moment, he said, he's like, I love you. Because at that point, I was doing United Shades of America. And so I think he really started to understand me through that show, not through the sickophantic podcast. And then I wept, and that's That's really nice.

I like that story.

When I tell it, I feel a little embarrassed to even tell it.

No, I think it's a great story.

Except for the nigger part. I was really excited to say that in front of this room with a lot of people.

It's two times now.

Well, you said I could say it, so I'm going to say it all the time. Now I'm going to invite everybody to say it. One, two.

I've never seen a room clear out that fast. My voice is going.

Oh, nice. That's my move. I was like, My voice is coming back.

Sona might have We said it a couple of times today and we wouldn't have heard it. It just sounded like a little burp. Just to be clear for everybody listening on YouTube, that's with the A, the soft A, not the hard E-R.

It's the rap version.

You brought up something that I've thought about recently, which is these people who are just amazing pass away, and then everybody talks about them and says things that they'll never hear. Comedy icons pass on, and then everybody says, Oh, my God, weren't they absolutely amazing?

I think, Isn't there a way- You're angling on this for yourself, right? I'm just saying I don't feel well today.

I got a little bit of a snipple, so maybe let's pretend I'm dying.

I got a little bit of a- No, no, no, no.

Please, please, no. But what I'm saying is I did feel that. I felt that way a couple of times, for example, with Norm McDonald, who I thought was such a brave and unusual comedian, and he was not being discussed at all and wasn't being talked about and wasn't part of the conversation. Then he dies and everybody he comes out and says, What a remarkable, remarkably unique comedic voice that we'll never see again. I thought, I don't like this system. But he would have hated that. He would have hated it, but-I mean, I'm not But also he should hear it. Also, even people that hate it need to hear it, I think, sometimes.

For sure, I agree with that. Anyway, it just happened with Carl Weathers. I think that for the certain generation of people, whether it's from the Rocky movies or from Happy Gilmore, Carl Weathers or Arrest Development, there's something he does specifically that really sheds that is joyful and exciting. Then he passes away and you're like, Oh, we never know.

I have a nice memory, which is a couple of years ago, I got invited to something Adam Sandler was having, and it was a bunch of people that he knew party event. I go over to the line to get food, and standing in line, I realized it's Carl Weathers is right next to me. I was awestruck because I was 13 or 12 when Rocky came out. I love Carl Weathers. I talked to him for a little bit. He could not have been nicer. He was great. Then I said to him, You have no idea, Carl, I'm leaving this event and I'm calling my brothers and saying, I just hung out with Carl Weathers. This was a party that all these people are at. He was like, Oh, well, thank you. I'm like, No, you don't understand. I was happy that when he passed, I didn't even know that he was ill. This is what happens these days. These people touch your life. They're cool. He was also on Arrested Development playing himself, and he was absolutely hilarious.

You've heard the story that's the, Oh, you can turn that into a soup or whatever? You can get a stew going. It was his idea to play the broke version of Carl Weathers. Yes.

He'd beat Carl Weathers He's been an actor all his life, and he's very economical about, get these sandwiches, and you know what? You can put them in your pocket. Are you finished with that? There's one point where this total chaos breaks out in some scene on a rest of development, and he's running away, and he's got the foil swan that you get when food, you've had them wrap up the food you didn't eat. Fleeing with the foiled swan.

I feel like it's important to put that stuff out there because you just never know. It's like Tracy Chapman coming back recently and suddenly being like, It's this great moment of her at the Grammys, and we're all like, We love you. We haven't seen you. We just want to say... We get to flood her with love. She's like, Great. I'm going back to the supermarket and home. You know what I mean? She doesn't necessarily seem to need it either, but it feels good collectively to express positivity in a time when that doesn't get rewarded.

It almost feels like it's for us more than it's for them sometimes in a weird way.

Yeah, well, sometimes you get of how important a person is. For example, Tracy Chapman in Fast Car, it's like a lot of people are like, I forgot how much this meant to me, and so I'm glad that this song and this opportunity reminded me of it. But often that doesn't happen until they pass away.

Well, I'm going to want you I just really step up when I go. Oh, boy. I'm going to write some stuff for you.

Okay, please do. I'd rather have it pre-written so I don't miss it.

Also, so you have something to say.

No one influenced my life more than Connen O'Breen. As a child, I looked up to him, even though we're close in age.

He was the Denzel Washington of very white Irish Catholic.

He was the Michael Jordan of Denzel Washington. Oh, my God.

Well, you know what? I love having you on the podcast because you are a force for good. You have such positivity, and I I always feel better after I talk to you, even when you give me tons of shit, which I deserve. So thank you so much. I'm going to be looking for you because I do like this show. I know you sometimes take on too much, but I like everything you do. So I'm rooting for you to do more.

Thank you. It's funny when busy people tell me I take on too much, I'm like, Man, I am in trouble. I'm coming to a Brian because I take on too much. I think I need to settle down.

I have a line of jeans that I'm coming out with, and they're terrible.

Yes. Well, thank you.

Anyway, God God bless you. Thank you. Go clean up your house, not your apartment. Get your shit together.

Before I go, one, two, three, let's all say the N-word.

Okay. So far, I think Sona is doing the best she can with the voice issue. When I say doing the best you can, I'm not saying it's good because it's really- It's gone.

I don't know. What do you do? How do you do the best you can without a voice?

I don't know. I'm like an old trooper. You know, many times I've had to do shows in front of thousands of adoring fans paying huge There's a lot of ticket prices.

I'm not huge at all.

I'm not a lister. But anyway. That's why I have empty seats.

There's something even more powerful about this voice. I like cutting him down.

They were empty seats. It's never an empty seat.

I know who the voice is now It's from Godfather. It's Pentangeli.

Yes, Frank Pentangeli. Franky Five Angels.

Yeah.

You know the Roman Empire? Michael. Yeah. But anyway, that's nice. For the Godfather. Well, it's Godfather Part 2.

Okay. What were you going to say? Sorry. What were you going to say?

Sorry? I was going to say that many times, is it not true, you saw me having vocal problems and I had to do a big show. You know what? I did them. I love it. You know what I did? I knocked them flat. Can I say? I went out there. I gargled with my honey. I went out there and I gave them the best show they ever saw.

First of all, you had me. I made your throw code every single day. You did. Second, every time you spoke, I was like, Connie, you have to stop talking because of your voice.

I don't have that. But would I? Would I stop talking?

No, but it was a nice way to get you to stop talking. Then the other side, you went and actually saw some doctors who looked to make sure that you didn't have any permanent damage. I haven't done that. Where's my zona?

Oh, I see. Who's looking Who's looking after me? Well, you have to understand there's a certain hierarchy here, and I need to be protected at all costs. I do care about you, but something happens, it happens, someone else is there. No, David Hopping is the one that should be looking after you.

Where's David? Why doesn't he look after me?

Well, this is hilarious. David Hopping doesn't show up at work yesterday. He's the one that's filling in for Sona, taking over Sona's responsibilities. He's just doing Listen, he tells me he can't come in because he's at the hospital. I'm like, What's going on? He's like, My foot, I can't put any weight on it. They're wrapping it right now. I said, What did you do? Meaning you fell. He says, I don't know. I woke up and got out of bed and my foot couldn't take any weight. He doesn't even know. So one assistant, no voice, who's a big part of a podcast. Then I needed him to do a bunch of stuff, and he doesn't even know what happened. What is wrong with that generation?

I don't know, but you guys should combine to be one body that works and one voice that works.

I'll be his feet. He'll be my voice.

Yes, you carry him. He'll be the voice. I got to carry it. Is David here? I'm in a backpack. I believe so. Get David in here.

Hobble Can you get in here, David.

Hey, yeah. David. David, shuffle on in here. Now, here, have a seat right here. Now, we're talking about the fact that I have two assistants. Some of you listening may think that's excessive, but please, when you get to the top of the world's highest pyramid in entertainment, that's what happens.

Yeah, we get these two assistants.

So Sona's voice doesn't work.

Gimpy and squeaky.

Yeah, we got Gimps and Squeaks. Hey, it's a new radio. It's a new podcast. Gimps and Squeaks. It's Gimps and Squeaks. You guys should have a drive time morning show. My foot hurts. This whole thing is foot hurts. He can't even hear it. But listen, no, he just keeps yelling, My foot hurts. David, you're a young man. You're It was supposed to be you're a healthy guy, and then you took yesterday off to go to the hospital and get your... Because you couldn't put any weight on your foot, and you have no idea what happened. No. You got out of bed and you tried to stand up, and what happened? I got out of bed fine. I spent most of the day fine, and then I got off the couch later that night, and that was it. That was it. That was all down the hill. That was it. I was dead.

That's not how this story should go.

It's not like you got bit by a black widow or something.

No, it's just My ankle just gave out.

I had gone out the night before.

Okay, this is where it gets interesting. What were you doing the night before?

I went to a friend's birthday party. There was a DJ there, so I did dance for probably four hours.

Oh, for God's sake, David. Well, the night before, I went to the old Boulder Toss. What do you mean? You never told me that. You went dancing? Because then the next day, it was fine until the night. I feel like if I had done something dancing, I have noticed right away. No, because there's the high that you get when you're You're at a rave and you're dancing and you're having a lot of fun. Then it takes a while.

You know a lot about raves.

Let's talk about that.

How do you know about the high at a rave?

Name one rave you've been to.

Oh, please. I went to one in 74. It was fantastic. Blew the roof off that place. We all ate a lot of high carb food.

Who was the DJ?

Spun around. What's that? You've spun around. Dj Jackie Jones. It was fantastic.

Wolfman Jack.

Yeah, it was great.

You know I'm loathe to be on your side, right? I know you are. This is not something I'm comfortable with.

You're not comfortable with it.

I think you I need new assistance.

I do. No, because listen, this guy's bones are made of marzapine. Then, Squeaky From over here in the corner. You're just... These are my people. You represent me in the world, and you're both busted. You're broken.

I think this is pretty appropriate. These are your two reps right here.

That's true. Oh, you mean reflecting a damaged career, a broken man? We don't say that. Well, please read the trades. What I'm saying. It's the cover of Variety this morning. I worry about you, David, because you are way too young to have your bones just snapping. It's weird. Everything's fine. You're like, That's ridiculous. Everything That's fine. I'm fine. And then me. She's fine. Well, then you, I don't know what's going to happen with you. If your voice doesn't get better, very soon you're fired. I think I'm allowed to say that.

This is your lifeblood now. This is your whole vocation.

No, no, no. Tack has karate to fall back on. What if I did that? He can chop wood with his hand. This chopped wood is fantastic. A karate chop. Thank you, Tack. My wife wouldn't let me go have karate lessons twice week ever with kids.

You are hosting a show.

Yeah, hosting a show because America demanded it. America insisted upon it. They needed their fix of sweet cone.

Oh, God. 28 years of the cone zone, that sweet orange goo.

Anyway, I do hope... I don't mean it. I'm going to say it anyway because it's something I've seen caring people say stuff like this, and I'm going to mimic it. I hope that you both feel better as who?

Thanks, Forest Gump.

I worry about you both, and I wish the best for you.

I think our bodies are just giving out naturally.

From this job?

Because of this job. What if you both go to doctors independently and they run tests on your immune systems and they say, Do you work with Cohn and O'Brien? Yes. It's an epidemic. Then they look under the microscope and there's little Cohn in heads. They're eating your white blood cells, gobbling them and going,. Gorlie's next? No, Gorlie's immune. Oh, no. I said him. No, I have little Gorlies in my body.

You have little gorlies in your body.

Little gorlies running around. You work with them, Matt Gorlie? He's destroying your white blood cell count. I do hope you both feel better, honestly. No, I don't. Seriously. No, I don't. No, you like it. I tried it one last time and it didn't work.

I sent you a note and I was like, My voice is gone. I don't know if I should come in to work. And you were like, Oh, nice. Please, do come in to work.

Hold on a second. I love it when we see... Here, I got it. Gourley.

This is what I sound like today. I hope that's okay. My voice was completely gone yesterday, and this is what it is now. I still plan to come to work. I'm ready to work.

Most passive I just sound real stupid.

Here we go. When I read you the chain, here's the chain. You texted, you were losing your voice, you're worried about it, and I wrote back, We can make this work for us. That's the first thing you said. That's the first thing I said. Then Matt, of course, texts that he's concerned about your health. And then I wrote a joke, I thought you lost your voice speaking at your normal level. I'm still not being nice. Then you say, I'm not sick. I was congested Friday. Then I write, Got it. I have advanced syphilis, but I'm told that's common. You write back, We all knew that. You have a syphilis vibe. I say, This is all this morning. It's called the Siffs. It's like the Riz, only you go insane and die in a 19th-century sanitarium. To which I got a Ha Ha, I think from Matt Gorley. Oh, God. Anyway, those are our normal text that we don't think anyone's ever going to see.

Does it upset you when people I'll put Ha Ha instead of typing Ha Ha?

I'll take whatever. I don't care. If my obituary comes out and it's online and someone puts Ha Ha on top, I count that as a laugh. All right, we'll feel better, you guys. I mean that the way someone would. Who cares? Okay. I'm so cool. You guys, thanks.

Conan O'Brien needs a friend. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ofsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, nick Clio, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at EarWolf. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brenda Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnik. Talent Booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brit Kohn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Konan? Call the Team Coco Hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It, too, could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Konan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.