Welcome to Feel Better, Live More, Bite Size, your weekly dose of positivity and optimism to get you ready for the Weekend. Today's bite size is brought to you by AG1, one of the most nutrient-dense wholefood supplements that I've come across, and I myself have been drinking it regularly for over five years. It contains vitamins, minerals, probiotics, prebiotics, digestive enzymes, and so much more, and can help with energy, focus, gut health, digestion, and support a healthy immune system. If you go to drinkag1. Com/livemore, they are giving my listeners a very special offer, a free one year supply of vitamin D and five free AG1 travel packs with your first order. See all details at drinkag1. Com/livemore. Today's clip is from episode 64 of the podcast with co-authors of The Good Life: Lessons from the World's Longest Scientific Study of Happiness, professors Robert Waudinger and Mark Shorts. In this clip, they share why having high Equality relationships may just be one of the most important things that we can do for our happiness and our mental and physical health. You are both, I guess, guardians of one of the most important studies on human happiness. I think there's so much that you've learned.

There's so much that we can all learn from your findings. But I thought it was really interesting place to start would be with something you've written about in your book, that there are two major predictors of our happiness, our health, maybe even our longevity. And that's the frequency and the quality of our contact with other people. Why are those two things so important?

Well, frequency has to do with this observation that when we don't keep current with each other, with the really important people in our lives, that perfectly good relationships can simply wither away from neglect. And the quality has a lot to do with what actually is restorative and energizing about relationships, which is the sense of relationships being stress reducers, the sense of relationships being energizers, affirmers of our identity, so many different things that we get in a positive way from good quality relationships. So it is. It's frequency and quality. When our Our original participants got to be about 80, we asked them to look back on their lives and we asked them, What do you regret the most and what are you proudest of? And one of the most frequent regrets was, I didn't spend enough time with the people I care about, and I spent too much time at work. It's a cliché for a reason when people say nobody on their deathbed ever wishes that they'd spend more time at the office. And so your decision to say, Look, this friend is really important to me. I'm going to make sure we get together is one of those things you'll look back on and be glad you did.

Doing this research, I've realized that I have to start taking my own medicine. And so I realized that particularly once my kids were grown and out of the house and they weren't pulling me away and saying, Dad, do this or drive me here, that I could just work all the time. And So what I've had to do is be much more intentional about scheduling walks with people, scheduling dinners out. Mark and I have a call every Friday noon, and we talk. Yes, we talk about our writing and our research, but we also just talk about our lives. And I find that if I'm not active, really active every week in doing things with people who I want to keep current with, it'll wither away. And so I'm doing more of that now than I ever did when I was younger.

It's fascinating because I think if I take a step back and think about your book, think about your research, it's incredible how front and center relationships are. I think if you walk out on the street and you were to talk to people about their, let's say, their longevity, their health, both now and into the future, I think many people would immediately go to things like nutrition, physical activity, sleep, for example. Yet you guys are making the case that sitting above them all, potentially the quality of our relationships.

Yeah, it's remarkable. I think we were surprised when we started to find how important relationships were for our physical health. And then when we started to look at other studies, and it's the loneliness research that's maybe the most compelling now that you see these incredible links with the amount of time that people spend on the Earth, the amount of time that they live. It's just extraordinary. And that relationship is of a similar magnitude to the things that we commonly think about as serious health risks, like smoking and obesity. So there's so many indications of how powerful relationships are. I think we take them for granted. And it's clear science is telling us that they're important.

So you mentioned there, relationships and physical health. And I think that's where some people have to make a leap into the dark. I get it. Good relationships feel good. We enjoy ourselves when we're in the company of people that we like who means something to us. But how does that then impact our physical health?

Well, that's the interesting research question. So we're always asking, if we see a connection between one thing and another, how does it work? What's the mechanism? And probably the best hypothesis that we have for which we have the most evidence is a hypothesis about stress, that good relationships help us regulate emotion, particularly negative emotion. Stress is there all day long. I mean, something upsetting happens to me, and I can literally feel my body change, go into fight or flight mode. And what we know is that when we have someone we can talk to, when I can go home and complain to my wife about my day, I can literally feel my body calm down. And what we know is that loneliness and social isolation are stressors, that we evolved to be social animals. So if we are too alone, what we think happens is that we stay in a low level fight or flight mode. The body doesn't return to equilibrium, and that means higher levels of circulating stress hormones like cortisol, higher levels of chronic inflammation, inflammation. Those things can gradually break down multiple body systems, which is how you could get a connection between relationships and arthritis or between relationships and cardiovascular disease because The stress hypothesis posits that these connections are with multiple body systems.

At one point in our study, we asked our participants, who could you call in the middle of the night if you were sick or scared? And most people could list several people, but some people couldn't list anyone. And a few of those people were married and they couldn't list anyone. What we believe is that everybody, whether you're shy or extroverted, everybody needs at least one or two of what we call securely attached relationships, where you feel like someone will be there for me if I'm really in trouble.

I mean, that's a great question, isn't it? Are you up to speed with the latest research? I mean, I don't know, maybe not in the UK, but in the US. Where are we up to with loneliness at the moment?

Yeah. So loneliness is a significant problem in all Western countries and also nonwestern countries as well. So the rates are in the US, somewhere between 20 and 40 % of adults talk about being lonely. And what that means, it's the opposite of what Bob is describing. It's not having a sense that someone has your back or knows who you are, but people just don't care whether you exist or not. Those are incredible rates. If you think about 20 to 40 % in the adult population says that there's no one that really knows who they are and they could depend on. So this is a serious problem. The health risk, as we talked about before, is similar to the risks that we associate with smoking and obesity. This is why there's a Ministry of Loneliness in the UK. This is why our surgeon general, our top health person, talks a lot about loneliness. It's a recognition of the importance of relationships to our health.

If I think about relationships, so that's your pitch, relationships are front and center of what it means to live a happy, healthy, and long life. And of course, we started off this conversation talking about those two major predictors that you write about in your book, the frequency and the quality of our contact with other people. So if we think about relationships, how can we break that down? There's a relationship with myself. And then we start to expand it out. There's a relationship maybe with a romantic partner, if we have one, relationship with our family, relationship with our friends, relationship with our work colleagues. The list goes on, on a relationship with the baristas and the coffee shops, right? So there's all these circles that are getting bigger and bigger and bigger. So if we're to take you guys at face value and say, Okay, relationships are important, which are the most important?

There's no which about it. There's no most important about it. They're all important.

We tend to invest a lot in our primary attachment, our primary relationship, an intimate partnership. And that's a lot to invest in one person, all the things that we can get out of relationships. The ways in which our self in connection with others, we learn about who we are, the kinds of support that we need from other people, the kinds of fun that we can have with our mates. There are so many things that relationships give us that it makes sense that distributing that among not just one person, but a collection of people might have some benefits for us as well.

There's a romantic ideal in the culture now that didn't used to be there. The romantic ideal is if my primary relationship is good, I don't need anybody else. That's a fiction, a complete fiction. Actually, Eli Finkl, one of our colleagues, has written a book called The All or Nothing marriage, where he talks about this and about the idea that we imagine that the relationship isn't good if we need to go elsewhere for some of our fun, for some of our confiding, for whatever else we need. And when in fact, I think the truth is that we get many different things from different kinds of relationships, and we want that to be the case, ideally.

If we think about what we know, just basic ideas about a secure attachment and a connection to other people that when we look at infants, infants on the playground or toddlers on the playground, they'll social reference, we call it. They'll see kids out there. They're a little nervous, so they look back at their parent. And is it okay? A parent nods. An adult relationship can provide that same support. So in a strong relationship, it could be a primary relationship or it could be a friendship that we have. Bob says, you can do this. That's encouragement like the kid on the playground. Go out and do this. It would be good for you to do that. So good relationships are in some ways outward facing. They allow us to have new experiences. They're the basis, that support basis that gives us the confidence to try new things. Bob, you want to write a book? Let's write a book together. That's That's what a relationship is about.

In a hallmark of a securely attached relationship is where you feel the freedom to take risks because the other person will support it.

That's ultimately One of the challenges, isn't it? That people find with relationships, they're messy, they're confusing, there's risk. That's what makes them so beautiful and so nourishing. But at the same time, that can be why they can affect us so much when they're not going well, right? So let's talk a little bit about risk.

Well, the other thing is that relationships are risky because we're each always changing. We're each a work in progress. Press every moment, right? So it's not like you know exactly what you're going to get the next time you talk to your partner or the next time you talk to your friend, because life is constantly changing. And so then the question is, how do we keep up with each other? How do we support each other in that process of continual evolving?

There's two areas of practical tools I thought we could briefly cover. One was in the, I think it's in Chapter 4 in the section on social fitness. You had these, I think it was in that chapter, these three tools, generosity, learning new dance steps, and radical curiosity. I wonder if either of you would mind speaking to those three just briefly to help people understand what they can then do.

So it turns out that being Generous to others, being kind to others. And that could be telling them that you really appreciate them. It could be doing something kind. Doing that act of kindness benefits the giver in ways that are really quite amazing. That givers experience a sense of joy, a sense of connection. There's lots of research on generosity and the ways in which it gives dividends back to the person. So we want to do kind things because we think it's important for other people. But an engaged person who does these acts of generosity also reaps benefits for themselves. And those benefits are emotional and they're also physical.

I have a quote from the Dalai Lama about this. He said, The wise, selfish person takes care of other people.

The wise, selfish person takes care of other people.

Because it comes back to you.

So practice generosity. Yeah.

So the second one was?

It was learning new dance steps. Oh, yeah. Yeah. What did you mean by that?

Well, that has to do... If we think about a relationship as a dance that we, without even deliberately trying, develop with another person, we find ways, I say this, you say that. I know that if I do this, you're likely to do that in response. And that some of those dance steps involve stepping on each other's toes. Some of those dance steps involve gliding smoothly around. But what we know is that the relationships change over time. Certainly, good Lord, a marriage or an intimate partnership is going to change over time. And so my wife and I are about to celebrate our 37th anniversary.

Congratulations.

We have had to develop a lot of new dance steps over time. We're not the same people we were when we got together 37 years ago. And that happens with friendships, too. So the idea is find ways to see where the other person is going and see how you can follow them, how you can complement them in the new things they're doing, in the ways that they're changing and hoping that they'll do the same with you.

And change it up. A relationship that you've had for a long time, a marriage is a good example. It can get stale. It can get boring. And I think the idea about new dance steps is also the idea of trying new things. So I know Bob and his wife are taking voice lessons, both of them, and they might be singing together on occasion. Yeah.

No, I love that. Well, let's go to the third tool there, which I loved. Radical curiosity.

So this is an idea, again, that all people are interesting, that if we give our attention to trying to figure out what it is they're experiencing, what's important to them, what motivates them, what their experience of something that we're also doing might be, if it's different, that we can be radically curious. It's an idea that we can take a beginner's mind to any experience that we've had and say, what have we been missing? What's interesting here that I haven't realized before? And Bob and I are both therapists. We've been in this business for a long time. We're radically curious about other people. That's part of what nourishes us. It's that privilege of getting to know people. But everyone can have a taste of that by being radically curious. And it has benefits, again, for us. We learn more about other people. We appreciate those differences that they may have with us. And people appreciate our interest. That's another key part of it.

Yeah. Curiosity is massive. I think it's such an important value to adopt in life. I can't see any downsides to being curious, personally.

Well, it's curiosity with a lack of judgment, right? It's a curiosity. Gee, it's so interesting, Bob, that you're interested in this opera, and I have no interest in that opera. What is that? Because I respect Bob. I know he's not a crazy person. What is it that's really important? What is it that's important about that particular work of art moves you, right? So we learn things by asking those questions. And it's a privilege to be able to do that. When we look at some of the folks in the study and the gifts that they bring to bear on their life and their families, part of that gift is being interested and attentive. So in the book, we talk a lot about Leo DeMarco, is one of the happiest people in the study. And when Leo was with you, he listened to you. He was present. He was attentive. His family felt that experience. So I think that's one example that we see. There's another one from Some research that Bob and I did years ago in which we were studying couples, talking about an incident in which their partner had done something that upset or angered them.

So we were interested in when they get angry, when the heat has turned up in a relationship. And it turned out it was less important that your partner could figure out what was going on in your head than your perception that your partner was interested in what was going on in your head. So we can give our partner the gift that we're interested in their experience, even if we're not so good at figuring it out always. I'm curious what was going on for you? I care about you is really what we found.

Yeah, I remember reading that in the book thinking that is powerful. It's not about right or wrong. It's just showing that person that you care. It's being there. It's so important. I always love finishing off the conversation with practical tips for my audience. But perhaps for people listening who are realizing throughout this conversation that they have let certain relationships go, they've maybe not prioritized them as much as they might have, what final words do you have for them?

I would say, think of someone you've let go or someone you miss and would like to connect with again and Simply take out your phone and send them a little text or an email or use the phone to use your voice to call them and simply say, Hi, I was just thinking of you and wanted to connect. And you will be amazed at how often people will be thrilled to hear from you.

Yeah. So I think another critical idea is it's never too late that those who feel like they just have had a hard lot in life, that they don't feel connected to others, that they wish their friendships could be better than they are. It's never too late. There are things that we can do starting now that can really have an impact on our lives.

Hope you enjoyed that bite-sized clip. Do spread the love by sharing this episode with your friends and family. If you want more, why not go back and listen to the original full conversation with my guest? If you enjoyed this episode, I think you will really enjoy my bite-sized Friday email. It's called the Friday Five. Each week, I share things that I do not share on social media. It contains five short doses of positivity. Articles or books that I'm reading, quotes that I'm thinking about, exciting research I've come across, and so much more. I really think you're going to love it. The goal is for it to be a small, yet powerful dose of feel good to get you ready for the weekend. You can sign up for it free of charge at drchattery. Com/friday5. Hope you have a wonderful weekend. Make sure you have pressed subscribe, and I'll be back next week with my long-form conversation on Wednesday and the latest episode of BiteScience next Friday.