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Word for word for word. Emily, I have my notes here that you got to D.M. about a guy who wants you to give yourself a wedgie.


I did. I had a gentleman caller enter a slide. I believe it's called slide into items.


I can't stop looking at myself. Look, look. Here's the monitor for Emily.


And this is Emily's first time with the monitor on where I go. I it's like child inside the factory.


When the kid saw himself on the TV, you got small.


Now you're just looking in the blackboard at the end of the movie.


Like, I have to look at my God, Billy, I had a gentleman do me and say, I will pay you seventeen.


No, I think it was seven thousand eight hundred dollars, which is very weird.


Seventy eight hundred dollars to watch someone give you a wedgie. Seventy five hundred dollars. Seventy eight hundred dollars.


Seventy eight hundred seven thousand eight hundred dollars. Let's just slow down. He picked this number.


He did. I was negotiating with a weird way place to start.


Yeah. Sorry. Seventy eight hundred dollars and I, I would. What would.


I'm sorry if I, if that was my thing and I was going to get someone out of the blue.


That's not, that's not that was near where I would start that.


Why wouldn't. Here's the thing about this guy that I. What would you start. Let me. The biggest problem of this man. He's a bad businessman. You never come in that high.


The first offer I know that was problem. I would have I would have given myself a wedgie for one hundred dollars. Oh, I would I would have given him. I want to get you admitted. Seventy eight hundred dollars.


Can I tell you. I would not have. I would not have.


I would have been like ten thousand dollars. Really. Yes. I had that video forever. I have tattoos. What is the value of we video.


How rude. How do you put a price on. I'm getting a wedgie.


But the weird mercilus so weird that I'm trying to find a friend in Nashville who a guy would message her and she would fart in videos for him.


That's just, that's just good business. Walk me through that.


She got a message from this guy one time and he was like, hey, will you fart for me on video? And I'll give you, I think, seven hundred dollars. Right, that it was somewhere like seventy five something that and she was like, ah, the joke.


We were all sitting there and she was like, I'm going to be like, yeah, come on, what you did.


And then, and then she was like, do I have to be on like like my whole face? And he was like, no. And so she did it. So he she thinks then when we first you've been on it and she did it and I'm an idiot. And then now she does it like every month or so.


How do you find your Instagram? So the guy that deemed me said 70 hundred, I did my face didn't have to be in it and he'd Venmo me first, but then I prefer people.


Do you mean your face, isn't it? Yeah, I said I'll drop it. Oh, yeah. I said, I'll give you the wedgie for half. That's ridiculous.


I mean, I could give I could find someone do it much cheaper than that. But then my body when I know where I stand in your line.


You asked your mom if you could do it, Emily. She said absolutely not. I can't believe you're considering it. I'm so disappointed in, you know, what she said verbatim. Your mom.


No, well, not verbatim, but she she was like, oh, this is. You're kidding, right? And I was like, well, I was running it, but I was floating it past you.


If you can send someone a video of you getting a wedgie for seventy eight hundred dollars and you don't do it, you're bad at business. Right. Or you have really good morals. But what's morals are also subjective.


Subjective. I just it made me feel gross. Well, yeah, no shit. So you would I shouldn't do something for money that makes me feel gross. 78 handles. Seventy eight hundred dollars. I know wedgie. I know. Did you smart people send pictures.


So I put it as a joke. I screenshot it it and put it in a story instead of course, and then respond back. Are you serious.


Oh my. No, no. And then I got the parameters. OK, there we go. And then what happened?


Well, that's when he offered up front Venmo and no face in the video, no face in the wedgie video. What do you mean offer no face?


Oh, he said your face doesn't have to be in it like we were negotiating.


And I said what I want it to be. And we like, what if I want to put too little too little stickers on my face and on my booty?


Wait. Oh, no, no. Is there like a protocol? Like, how do we send it? Do you want to draw this link? You didn't get that far. I don't. And I don't know.


There's a reason for editing me about trying to send like nudes to someone or a video to get hustle.


And I can't figure out fucking Dropbox.


I like I, I would totally be an online sex worker right now if I could figure out drugs.


I have announcements to make an announcement. I said I love you to a man on purpose.


Are you related to him. Were you at your dad's grave with the Benton? Was it a dog? You have to be on camera, this is being filmed. I said I love you to a man. Was he in the room? Does he know you? Can you give us all the specifics? We need more details. I'm very weird about saying I love you. If you take a break, we take a pause. Your mouth is green screen from white like green sucking your teeth and all of them in your mouth is molded from what I just figured out, these cigarettes.


But also all your teeth are green and black. It looks wild.


It's like it's I know it's like a look. And where I'm like, oh no, I don't want to see it.


Wait, I started just eating these snacks. I thought, those are vitamins, but these are daily essential vitamins. You take one.


I will not know what this was. A sponsor. You're going to get a UTI. Oh fuck no. Don't spit out of sponsors. We know it's not a factor anymore. OK, spit it out.


What do I look like? It looks like you. You know what, mouth, you know, could, you know, switch over here. She sat down with Abi.


You got this look like you've been taken on by you, this girl. This is not good stuff. I really thought I'd try to make this work.


Oh, I think it's working. I think this is working.


People want to know, oh, God, you guys so bad it's you never seen a turtle eat and it's put its tongue out. Oh, oh, look in your mirror. Look, there's a paradox here. There's no you ever seen Khowst.


You could. Oh, there's a mirror that knows that mirror on the floor. Yeah. Oh it's so bad. Look here. So bad.


Oh I don't think myself. Now look at your teeth.


Smile and turn to the side. Joker what is that how you got. It wasn't this bad. Oh it was. Oh I didn't see. I would have said something if you were this bad. Oh my God. I thought there was booger or stinky soft residue. Jelly bean.


You thought a jelly bean that jelly bean did like. We are airing this. We're airing all of this all. I want everyone to know that you guys did not tell me. I did tell you about twenty minutes in. No, I saw a hint of change of green eyes on your lips.


I yeah. I didn't notice that. I look insane. I look, but only like a bag of eternal stench that is such a good reference. Thank you. Not that deep. Thank you. Oh. Do you want to you want to fix it here, you want to do this? Thanks. How do you think it could be blueberry? So, oh, this is a toupee.


It's a jelly bean. That is toothpaste jelly bean. Does that count as brushing your teeth?


Exactly like toothpaste. Yeah.


So, love, I'm in love, you guys. I said I love you too. A man details.


It was not easy, so I'm really big on not for him to be there when you said it or for me to hashtag it so I can get a partnership.


No, it was like every kiss begins with you. Yeah. So who wants to sponsor my relationship? I, I'm really weird about the word love. I don't know why I always ask the guests, what is your definition of love? I'm always like I feel like we throw that word around a lot.


You weren't worried about it when you made that special. You also you said at the end of every podcast. Yeah. I love you. I love you because we you know, I love that. Any Letterman joke where it's like when you're dating someone, we say, I love you so much all the time. Now, that's so true that by the time that she goes, I love you, I love you, love you, love you.


And then the person you're dating, Yeardley Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you. It's like almost so true awkward.


Like that's that Amy Letterman joke of like how you're saying I love you to complete strangers but I can't say it to the person I'm in a relationship with.


And I think for me I was like, I kind of want to protect this word.


I wanted to get its value back.


Like I wanted to be like, mm, I like that we say love alone. You could die tomorrow. That's what I mean. I think why are we saving this word like you don't mean it.


If I tell someone I love them I genuinely mean it. Yeah. And if I say I love something in that moment I probably do.


Yeah. So I don't why am I going to keep saving it for.


Yeah. So why am I like hoarding, hoarding this great thing. I know. And you see this is like, like just when someone because I think I love you has been used as a way to manipulate for me so much, you know, like I love you, I love you.


Like you know when people do it like oh yeah. I said I love you to someone.


It was a day back that one time a guy said, I love you to me. And I panicked and I said, thank you. You have to finish the story.


You're telling me, did they really bank No. One in the store? No, he has no.


Oh, if this was the notebook, it would never have been a good film. I feel feel the film is right now. I swear to God it's file my no. This the dude that I'm with, we have he has said I love you before.


And I said, I don't say that.


I say when I'm really, really ready because I think sometimes when you see because sometimes when you say that word too soon, then you for me personally, you kind of put yourself you're like, well, I'm in love with this person now. And we said that word. Now we're half past this. Now we have to.


Why do you keep saying that person like you haven't talked about having a lover multiple episodes?


I know because I'm in denial about being in a relationship and I'm intimacy issues. Benton, you know this.


I like doing work right now.


I think the other day, someone like how long have you two been together? He said a year. And I said, two weeks.


Well, like at the same time, there's reality and fantasy. So I'm like, I've got my internal clock, but I just think I love you. I just want some things to be special.


Where did you say when did you say it? I think with words.


I wanted to watch this. I wanted to be special. Let me show you the text. You said in a text. No, I've said it before. There's not there's I haven't prepared a story or anything. It's like we've been dating for a while. Two weeks.


He thinks a year. I think two weeks.


Again, I thought this was going to be the thing I never over of the idea of you sorry that you can't finish, which I love you at a wedding being like you, you'd never knock that over the weight distribution.


Oh, that's a really cute cup. Thank you. I love it. I love you. Keep going.


So I love you. Like I say, I love you to literally everyone.


I have it on my cup so I should just turn the cup towards him. I totally I say I love you to everyone. I have a special called I Love You. I've posters. All right. I'm your girlfriend. I'm your girlfriend.


Yeah. That's very what a lot of hints being thrown out. I like to make very confrontational.


And this is funny, though, your DNA people like, no, we are together and and I just I'm really stingy about it in real life because I think when I was a kid, it confused me when people said, I love you, I love you, but I didn't feel loved or something.


I think it got conflated. I love you with like, I'm trying to manipulate you. I love you. I thought it meant, like, calm down.


Oh, you know, I'm saying, like, I think that sometimes we use I love you to go like I love you. I love you. I love it. We use it at the wrong times and then we build bad associations in our brains. So I like I just need to rewire my associations with it, you know, because it's like it was weaponized, I think.


When was the last?


It was weaponized that, you know, um, a couple of years, like a year and a half, two years, and you can recognize it when that's happening now, Lord was that I said, Lord, yeah.


When someone's like, well, I mean, holidays are always, you know, go home to family. I love you.


We're family, but, you know, that kind of thing. My extended family does that. And I'm like, we don't talk.


It's like, listen to what you're saying. And I understand they don't match. They're not Congress at all.


But in the South, people are like, if your family, your family, like, there's no greater bond, there's no love beyond this.


And it's like, I don't I see once a year, oh, you know your middle name, Linda.


If I need a liver, I'll let you know. I won't I'd rather go there to hear about it. Like, if I if I need a blood transfusion and get the first personal call. I mean, that's really it.


It is. It is. Family is important when you need an organ.


I'm saving money.


Let's do one last round of buying before I time. Well I mean. Oh yeah. Oh my God. Was it tutti frutti. We're rolling. Right. I want to I'm super all over the place on Spike as you know.


That's you. I mean but here's the thing. This is the whole point of podcast is you're able to be all over the place. There are no rules. Why would I?


Well, what's the point of the rise? Yeah. Oh, putting out a quality product.


Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I've heard about that. Yeah. Letting it all flow together. I don't for one.


What. But yeah you're right. It's your podcast.


So this is this, this literally because all my, all my guy friends they come on these guys and do it, especially ones that are in long relationships.


They're like, you know, I do, I do this for women. I'm fucking not ones that I don't have to do on my spare time. Do you hear me? Yeah.


I don't have to try to follow a woman's stream of consciousness insanity if I'm not marrying her. Yeah.


So I realize I'm pushing there is a level of after I proposed to Chloe of just like caring way less. Yeah. About, about anyone else. I'm like, yeah, I'm not going to marry you.


So. Yeah. So I'm not going to fight with you or have this.


It's fine now.


I already picked the person I fight with and you've done so much with your hair in the four minutes we've been recording.


You put it down, you mess it up, you flopped it over and you teased it out. And my turn is it I'm trying to if I'm flirting.


Yeah, that'd be cool. If just 20 minutes and you go, this is something like this is actually really kind of amazing because it's clear I'm not like whatever trying to beguile you, but I love that the idea of as soon as you get engaged, you can't see any woman as a sexual object.


Yeah. Again, like, I'm literally putting my hair up.


Most guys, I just want her hair. I'm like, OK, I put her hair down. You're just like, what are you doing?


It's a lot like you're moving. Oh my God, I love that, that as soon as you get engaged and all other women are off limits, are you just. Oh, all all girls are just a girl. I'm a bit obsessed with that idea.


Yeah. We're broken down. You like can you stop doing anything you're doing so you can fucking finish it like this so we can finish.


This is all guys have at seven. Like, like there's just there's always like a certain like we're going to kind of flirtatious like, like I just love when my guy friends get engaged and they change.




Yeah. I wonder if that happened. I'm sure it did. To a point.


Well to the fact that yeah.


You just aren't looking at anyone in a sexual way.


And even if you are you're going like don't don't you dare think that you fucking anything you see.


Yeah. God he's a shit like that.


So because it's yeah. It's like my friends say they're like they'll see it and then there's no like just don't, don't go, just don't.


Well that's because then if you are then you're like this marriage is doomed.


Don't do it. Get out jail healthy.


It's healthy like. Yeah well it's healthy to be like a go guy and then move it along.


It's healthy just like going to make up for it, you know, it's steam, steam, steam and then keep it moving. You can't dwell on it too much.


How long were you with Chloe before you got engaged.


Five years. Mm.


Well it's all right. I might have got that Russian now. Yeah. It's a nice slow played it. Yeah. For sure.


But I feel like you guys I think it's good that you waited because I was like I think you're, I think you're actually gonna be together forever. And I think if you got engaged to since you're asking my opinion. Yeah.


Relationship I feel like if you got engaged too soon it probably wouldn't have.


I think that's right. Do you think. Of course. And then how did you do it?


How did I propose? I was we have like this little boat.


It goes next to the other boat, the Big Brother. I tell you one thing about the other boat, it's not like it's Port Beach and we have this little boat and it's like a electric boat.


So we have this little electric boat. And I woke up that morning and was had planned on getting ready because I had to interrupt a lot.


Yeah, I just I'm thinking I'm obsessed with proposals because my brain is going.


If you could come to me and we're like, Whitney, I'm going to go do this on a boat.


Here's my plan I would have given you, obviously, because I would have gone if a guy proposed to me on a boat. If I didn't want to say yes, I'd just jump off like I worried that I would panic, but I mean, I would want you to swim to shore if you said no, you know what I mean?


Like, if you're going to say no to me, when you rest assured that you're like you're like, OK, this is what am I like? This is enough to kill her if she says no. Yeah.


She's got to really want to live right here single. Like, how do you but do you decide like I'm going to do at the beginning of the end.


Well it was a very I had planned it this weekend.


It was kind of the only weekend that it was kind of really going to work. And I woke up like with all this energy and I like to sleep in, you know, and no, I don't.


Well, you don't know.


But I know and I'm telling you and I know, but I think that's happening. Do you sleep late? I think of you some of those other like five.


No, I stay up late and then I sleep later.


But so I was up like two hours before her and she rolls over and I'm just like, like scared, like just and she's like, oh hi.


And I'm like, good morning. And she was like like pretty weirded out.


Yeah. Like when I would go, what did you do. Yeah. And I kept saying I was just I had so much nervous energy that I kept saying it's hot.


Today is going to be the best day. God today is going to rock. Today is going to be awesome. You said that to her.


Yeah. Like a fucking whatever fucking weird weirdo. And so she's like, OK.


And then I'm like, let's go get breakfast. And so we take the little boat because it's cute shit where I live and where take the little boat out. And then I asked her to drive, which I never ever do. Since women can't.


They can't. They just can't. It's not. And she's saying they can't. I mean it's like they can't. They can. It just doesn't go well. Yeah, they can. I mean thing will have been and they find but so she's like weird.


And then I turn around and then and dropped to drive because you were like because I couldn't get on a knee and drive the boat.


So I was like.


I turn around and drop on a knee and ask her, and then I had a speech like a full on minute and a half of me saying shit that neither of us can remember.


Like, I was like I knew I was like, you know, I'm an improper improv or something sweet as fuck in the moment.


And then it'll be good.


And neither of us can remember, like, we both just sort of blacked out, by the way, like some random run camera footage that did get it. And it's like doing your standup.


Yeah, it's just me or the co-pilot tell you.


I just do your act like I'm doing like open mic because I'm like, oh, they give me the light already. So where you guys from?


And that's funny. You get down on my knees. Where are you. So where are you from?


You know, from Louisiana. You know, you visited my grandmother in crowd. Yeah. My proposal.


Yeah. And then we. Yeah. And then we were engaged.


So what was OK, I want to break down this because I'm fascinated by guys.


I feel like guys like proposing secretly because it's your only option.


Hey, let me shoot on the set up right away.


Oh no, I didn't like it. It was an exciting thing.


And I lean back, this is a cup of tea because it's like the only time a guy gets to, like, be like a spy for like because you're like hiding the ring.


It's like a heist.


Like you have a jewel like you get to do. Yeah, I guess I never it's like you guys have to hide a jewel. It's like the closest you'll ever be to fucking Jewel Thief James Bond movie.


Yeah. The way you guys describe it, when you ask him out that this was actually the sanest recollection of a proposal, I didn't give you the whole because guys were like trying to get out of here.


So you're you're going to take me six and a half hours to drive home trying to wrap this to bump. You have to stay for four hours. I will not airat.


I did hide the was like with my lover you like or you drove out of here for nothing.


I did hide it in a shoe and she you know, you know, you know chicks right bro.


To bro. Yeah. Yeah. They organize your stuff and they make things better. Deal money. They don't really love you for you, they just take your money. That's a deeper issue that you have and they don't really love you for you.


That's something else that I think you need to talk to somebody else about because I'm not qualified.


And then so I hid it in a shoe and she fully reorganized. She I came home and all of my stuff was like rearranged in, like, color coordinated and like the boots are with upside down.


And they had been shaken out. And I like girls.


No, I have hear the girls like, no, not because we're so let him finish.


It's actually more unsettling when it goes to the sea.


I didn't know what the hell just happened.


I thought we were under siege. Nerf gun. That's good. I like that. This is a new armor enjoying. Yeah.


You know, Ellen brings her guests. My staff brings me. That's pretty cool.


OK, so the shoes were just put their booth. Hey.


Thank you. Hmm. You're fired.


So anyway, my bet it's just going to get worse and worse. It's going to be it's a pellet gun. Next time you're like, oh it's a salt pellet. But I'm glad I went from blood.


Blood. He's the one that shot it. What are you talking. We want to know.


I guess it was a tick tock. It was a fun tick tock. You notice, I feel like we never get to really hang out. And I'm very sad to talk to you. I'm excited, too.


So that issue clearly.


And so she rearrange everything. I was convinced she thought that.


But I had I bought the ring like two months. She moved to show that the ring was in there without knowing it, without knowing it. What she did you pack. I love this shit.


I picked a are there were two different shoes because I got weird about where I was hiding it at first.


The fact that you didn't put it like could go to film. You picking a shoot. That's my favorite.


I picked a boot because I figured like you were you're really going to have to get in a boot like a Vann's. I was like, you're going to see to look lumpy on the outside. So I got like a boot.


It was these. It was these actually. Oh, in your shoes. On my shoes. OK, ok, ok. They're not her shoes OK. Because I that would have I was like that is wildly dumb. Yeah. Yeah.


It's, it's like a little slip. She's obviously small. Is this ring that is a female shoe a slip.




Let's talk about how we're going to keep Khloe married to you.


What did you have out of the dinner. Yeah.


And then what about OK, so you make it or did you make you know, we went to a restaurant outdoors.


Come on, man. Hoax.


I don't know what is going to go the rest of the proposal because I find the guys when they tell the story, they normally go, well, can I say that she found out she knew about it so she didn't find it in the shoe.


But weirdly, I had proposed and there was like a two month span where I had the ring. And every weekend we just had something. And I was working a lot during that time.


And I'm like, I finally had a weekend. We're like, this is can be our weekend and I'll do it then.


And so, like, there's a lot of pressure on that weekend. She the night before this is her story. I'm like, maybe she just sniffs around my shit all the time and is constantly like looking through stuff.


But the night before she gets in, she was my birthday in a few weeks and so she was wanted to get me the same exact backpack that I have because I really like the backpack.


I just want a new one. And she was like digging through to find the make and model of the backpack.


Likely story.


And she found the receipt, so like after I proposed, like after we're all basking in the glow of our love a like two days later or something, maybe that maybe the next day she was like, so, um, how much did it cost the ring?


Just ballpark and Kubitschek corneas are not cheap anymore.


I told her because she found the receipt for the deposit, which is you have to pay half to have them go get and fit it and everything and then half on the.


So I told her she's like, Hmm.


Oh, she thought I was lying like I got, which would have been a great deal on this ring, by the way, but she was like, hmm.


And I'm like, what? That's that's a lot of money. What do you mean? That's a very nice ring. Like and she's like, no, no, that is a very nice.


And I'm like, oh, you think she hears the full nose, the full amount. She hears the half amount. Yeah. And I told her the full amount.


And so she was like and then it took like an hour of it's going like, why are you being weird in such a weird thing to lie about to.


Yeah. Like why were like, you know how much I make you not like I.


Why would I also just like the first order of business as like a husband and wife is me being bad with money.


Yeah. You know, and bragging about it. I actually watch I overpaid for that shiny rock that you wear on your finger.


By the way, it's actually like the truth is probably worse. Yeah. Yeah, for sure.


It's like I'm in a place where I'm like, if you had said the full price, I'd be fucking crazy. Now I could work forever. You could save that and just fucking moved to Marfa, Texas.


We oh, I love Marfa's.


So what happens when you get in? It's been five years. You get engaged. It's like, how soon are we doing? Is that like what's the like. Well then covid struck.


So then it was we couldn't get married anywhere.


Great time to be in monogamous. You can't cheat the perfect time. The perfect time.


I was like, thank God I locked it down. OK, we need to stop this podcast because Adam's probably being hilarious, really funny and I'm getting jealous. So let's talk about something else. Let's literally interrupt the entire show, not just the conversation, had him speaking to you guys like magic. Can I tell you something? This started as just an ad. And now I imagine there is so much anger and so much.


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Oh just go to the website like it's like I want to get a love seat for the new nook from there. Guess what, I know where to get it. Yeah.


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This isn't in the ad copy but I'm better at reading them that went into anything.


I think this isn't an archive. Honestly, I think I should stop talking for the rest of the world.


You did take a beat after article that because I read it as I read that is go to article dot com slash Whitney the discount. I'm like one.


I thought you were containing your rage and you're like, wait, no, I don't care when you say here I do.


So funny.


I think we were told me that, oh, I'm going to have the worst got bombed by the end like I chose. She has like a beverage refrigerator and she's like, grab whatever you want.


I'm like, I'll take you up on that. So I got elderflower press.




Trees, water, obviously cold brew, coffee with almond milk, Perrier fusions and a Coke Zero that I've already finished, this is the worst concoction of, especially for a long drive home.


Oh, yeah. For like you brought five over. So. Hey, Chloe, I'm not afraid of commitment at all.


I need my flavors.


I need my tastes where these committed in one place. So now I do feel like, though, when I was engaged, I had made such a big commitment that everything else was like, I don't know, I want to try all of them like everything else in life.


I love chocolate. And I'm like, I'll try, you know, cookie dough. And you, like, I am not monogamous in any other part of my life.


I'm going to get a new hair person, like when I was when I was like, you don't to like your new haircut or, you know, it's like because we're in all these monogamous relationships.


And then when that one happened, I had to like, go like, OK, now I need to cheat on someone else just to get to not feel so alive.


Yeah, I feel so pinned down. She'd hurt someone.


I would just hire a guy to stab him.


I'm the guy that came to your house and asked for my mom. As for.


Oh what was that. We have a couple weird. Yeah. In our past. Yes. We have a weird friend. I think we should be better friends for sure. And I think that now the time is now.


I think the time is now. OK, because I'm a good fuck it.


I'm, I'm a good tell Chloe I'm a good friend. I think you are for your husband to have. That's a platonic girlfriend. Yeah. Because I will basically do the dirty work of the girl when she's not around. So I will be Chloe and closing around.


I'll go. Who the fuck is that. Why should I. You sure. Like I'm the snitch that will that cool.


Yeah. Let's definitely hang out more.


Seems fun to wives to watch none of the benefits you know.


But it's like if it's like who's that. I'm telling Chloe don't isn't it. Oh my sister is.


Well she's you know that you. But it's my life is so awkward. But don't you feel like once you kiss my guy friends I've so many platonic friends and when they get in a serious relationship I always feel like I know like she's just like not going to want me to be, you know what I mean? It's like it's just like a natural thing where you stop being able to hang out with your platonic girlfriends as much, you know.


And I get very excited to be friends with my friends wives. Well, all right.


Welcome in. So Khloe loves you. I love you.


I thought, you know, she's just she just isn't she likes you as a person.


He's just your whole fan of you're just not a fan of you, of your work, your comedy of of your work.


But yeah.


Kind of what you consider talent.


She watches you with the sound off. What are you going to do about the wedding? Are you involved?


Are you kind of like you have to be the center of attention all the time and you don't want to do I?


Yeah, I'm not that involved. I just I tried a bunch of cakes and shit and that was about that was cool.


I was like, yeah, actually it was like a lot, it was like all day thing of like tasting little treats, women jumping out of.




When they jump out like it was a lot of just like sitting and eating and talking about like every little and some like oh he doesn't that aren't delicious.


I'm confused. I don't like cake so I'm like everyone, I'm like this is fine. Whatever cake, whatever cake. I don't think it's that out of pocket to not like cake. I don't like cake.


OK, there's five people in this room, two of them out the gate. Don't like cake Pat. You're not a psychopath. I like pie more to like pie or I like pie more see a Whitney. OK, so you take my whole pie. Let's go. We're starting our new podcast. You start a giant podcast. Yeah, yes, yeah, yeah.


I mean, I said the game with a pitch pot pie.


Cash, it's number one. It's it's beating Rokan. It's crazy.


It's already done or whatever. Random. It's always like the top podcasts are like whatever. You just leave and you started whatever you just started filming. It's like Joe Rogan.


And then there's always two or three like spy or like murder podcasts that I've never heard of that are like, yeah, it's the number one. And you're like, oh I don't, I have no idea.


Never heard of it. Never heard. It's 20 million. Yeah, I understand why.


So, so twenty million downloads of a podcast about murder and rape and all this sort of stuff.


And if I make one joke where I like make fun of Rose McGowan, I go to jail.


It's sort of like, oh, it's so weird when I look at like what's what go to jail.


You got I mean, comedy jail. Yeah, for sure. Jail. Yeah, I would go to culture jail.


I hate Twitter Twitters like. That's right. And I'm starting to dislike Instagram.


I used to be like fully on board with both and then now I posted, I got to meet Joe Biden.


I did a few things with Joe Biden and I posted like a photo of me, like shaking his hand. I mean, like, hey, I'm not that political, but I met this guy a few times. I hope he's going to be a great president.


Yeah, and then people are like, oh, Jesus, was that good for sound? Oh, I love cake. I think I won the game. It's just ringing.


Oh, no, it's out of my life.


So I'm just like the fervor pitch on like the Internet now is just so high that I'm just I'm kind of steering clear for a little bit.


I'm going to send you something because it blew my mind. And Kelly Clarkson posted something about meeting Biden and the comments I did. I did a two minute screen record of the comments because I was so incredulous and shocked.


OK, thank you for explaining what incredulous was, because I was like incredulous and shocked and incredulous is just for the viewers at home.


And if I'm incredulous, you are just so just sort of being grumpy and just sort of like I kind of I remember the first time I saw you.


You stand up the improv. Do tell. OK. I don't know, do you? What do you see me when you see me?


I knew like I knew you were already before. And then I remember the first time you saw me because you came up and you're like, how do I know you did?


I remember the first time I saw you. I'm like, I don't know. I was so shocked.


You are so fucking funny so soon. Like, I was like I didn't.


You have this. I've been doing standup for 12 years at that point.


OK, I guess. OK, so you finally caught my attention. So congratulations to you for a near decade by the time you together. That's not true. OK, thank you for.


Because I remember seeing you at the Improv and you I was like, so jealous. Like I've always been jealous of you because you have this like natural like you're just so fucking funny even when you're just like not it just so annoying.


Thanks. I'm not trying to I'm trying to hurt you and it's I'm hurting myself, but I'm doing a lot of weird tongue comedy right now.


I keep getting myself feeling. But you should do like a quick splice together for this. Our conversation to meet is going to be a debate. Can you stop looking?


OK, thank you. Who's up next? Oh, the lucky lady. Jesus. That's right. Right.


No, but like it was just so obvious that you were going to be so successful. It was so obvious.


And then I remember you getting so successful and being like, I'm glad it was obvious to you because I don't think it was obvious to a lot of other people at work.


Yeah, especially at the Improv, because I worked there. I was a door guy there and no idea. Yeah. And I worked there for like two years.


And then when I started to get like, I got the Montreal Comedy Festival when I was working there. So, like, I, I came back and then Rita, the manager was like, I'm actually an executive from NBC, was like, do you work here?


And I'm like, yeah. And they're like, I just saw you at Montreal. And I'm like, Oh, huh. And he goes, You can't work here anymore. You have to quit. Go work in the valley. I understand you have to make money, but you cannot work here. And then I go upstairs to tell Rita, the manager of the Hollywood Improv, and she's like, Yeah, that's right.


Beeps You can't work here. I was waiting for you to quit. Get out of here. And I'm like, fuck.


And then other and then the other. Like guys that worked at the Improv, there were also comics.


And like, just people at that level were like, you, you got Montreal. Whose dick did you suck?


What the fuck, man? Like, actively mad at me.


And I'm like, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. I tried to fuck it up. I really did.


I saw you. And I was like, he's gonna be so fucking successful. And then you get your show and it starts to be a thing. And I remember going, like, who the fuck is telling him how to be a boss? Like who who teaches comedians these things?


Because I was like doing something. I had no idea how to be a boss.


No one teaches you that. And then all of a sudden you have to, like, be in charge of people and you're so young and there's so many people that like are like at twenty five, like, I want to run a business and be a mogul. It's like you, you have to have people, you have to be able to like say no to 50 people that already hate you every day. It was weird because we were twenty five.


I was 25 when I got the show. So I that's so while. Yeah I was. Yeah. And but at the time you're like, no, this is the right age for it to happen you know man I mean this is about right to take so long.


Yeah exactly. I mean exactly. Show the cannabis drink I think down there when I was eighteen.


So like at that point that's seven years in, you're like yeah I'm coming up on a decade.


That's about right. But yeah, it was weird. And I'm sure you went through the same thing of like having to tell like grown men that this is what we're doing for the day.


And you're like, OK, so so this is the scene with this we're shooting.


So you've been in a war, right? Well, I'm going to tell you how to live. Like it's like it's so weird. Like we were smart.


We well, not we weren't smart. We were fucking idiots.


But we are Comedy Central told us that they're like, we're giving you the show. It's your show. You created it. You're the executive producers, but you have to hire a showrunner.


So we hired Kevin and who had already written on some shows and he was like he wasn't old.


He was like thirty four, you know, so so he was our show runner and you know, and so he helped so and he held like, can you deliver the news?


It's important. I think there's this thing where it's like, I don't know if you're hiring like young younger people at all in any of your business, but there is like a little bit of a like, I can't give you this news or like I need someone else to give you this news. Like it's the first time in my my life I'm like scared.


Like, I feel like I've worked so hard to be able to be direct and clear and not emotional and adult and a boss. And now I feel like if I'm directing clear, I'm going to like get sent to H.R. for sure. Yeah. Don't be convoluted.


And to you, very little notes in there like that. She wrote me half a note. She wrote it in half. It was a love note. A Valentine's Day card is weird. I mean, I'm just trying to not go to H.R.. Yeah. Not make things where she goes. Make this make sense. Yeah.


I just made you like a customer. Little gift with it is also. I just don't want to be uncomfortable.


Yeah. And it's just her lunch order. I don't know why this is such a big.


Do you feel scared when you're on sets. I was on the set yesterday and everyone was like, I just don't want to. There was the covid. But there's a lot of like it was a it was a sea.


It was a show. There was two shows I've done so far where it's like a guest spot where they want me to be someone who's being. Like like Harasta in a comedy for the show, it's in the script, I already know exactly what's happening and people are like, are you OK?


I'm like, no. I saw in the script that is what I was doing. I agreed to this. Yeah, I'm a comedian.


This is literally the least rapee day I've had in 15 years. And then but they're like, there's this I guess I'm calling it overcorrection because it's what I have personally seen. I'm not saying it is like in the zeitgeist, but like people are acting like women are going to sue you at all times and are so fragile.


And I'm just like, oh, like this is not good either. Yeah, it's you guys shouldn't be scared of me.


It's crazy. It's like the pendulum swing of like it was so like everything went and then now we're way over here and then but but they're like, it's just like I don't know, I just like it made me it made me so mad because it's like a set and I've been on your set before.


It's like it has to be so fun for everything to be funny. It's like everyone's in so much fear of fucking around.


And I just am like it's like the safe comedy thing is just so bizarre. That sucks.


I'm about to go back and shoot the righteous gemstones and I think I'm about to go back home.


So thinking to go, wow, I was like, damn, that is a thank you. Honestly, the best eggs are compliments.


Yeah. About to go shoot the right. Stimson's in South Carolina and I'm like, I hope to God it's not like that.


I don't think so. I think just because we're like we're in Hollywood.


Yeah. You know, and it's like here this is the epicenter of the metoo movement. And you know and know it's people are scared here.


It's the epicenter of the people who have been the grossest for the epicenter of the guilty people.


Yes. I'm saying yes, you go to other and the like.


It's popular here, too, like outwalk each other to be like the most. And if you're not, then you're the problem to me, like the locus people, the people I'm most impressed by.


Like, yeah, we're some fucking sketchy Halloween costumes in my twenties. I didn't realize that. Oh, yeah, but do you look at those Halloween?


Are you embarrassed by them or you like this one? That's not great. Oh sure. Yeah. Yeah it's not.


I mean, yeah I was my black face years were by the time I, by the time I perfected blackface I was to my publicist is going to call me on the drive home from this podcast and go, I don't know, I just got a tingling sensation that you said something.


I just got Bell's Palsy. No, here's the deal with podcasting. I'm finding because I want to talk about your podcast and why comedians are doing it and we're all doing it and why they work and why they don't like.


I think if you have a podcast going on other shows that are not podcast I have mine does not matter at all. Fat like going on like late night shows.


It was it was after I did DAX Shepherd's podcast and I got more of a response than I did The Tonight Show, like in the same week.


And it got more of a response from doing Dax's show than I did doing The Tonight Show, which as a comedian, you're like, that's the show.


That's the biggest show that your entire life.


You're like, Oh, my God, Tonight Show, Tonight Show or like Letterman or just doing the big you're like, this is going to be the thing.


And then I did Dax's show and it was huge. And I was like, Oh, we should start a podcast. I mean, the guys.


But they're also the difference between watching you for ten minutes and like three hours, you know, I mean, it's sort of like, you know, it's such a different kind of investment, you know? So it's like coming on podcast.


I find, like, make such a big difference when someone starting a podcast because it's like a different kind of listener for sure, you know.


And I feel like people that listen to comedy podcast specifically want to hang out with comedians, but then they don't live in a place where there's many comedians.


So they're like, oh, just listen. You mean Hollywood or prison or rehab?


Prison. What are you talking about? They don't have comedians. Yeah, because they're all here or with the FBI in a waiting room somewhere.


I know it's been. What do you make. I'm on that. I'm too I'm not beverages down over here.


Do you. Because I feel like you have this ability to like I mean you kind of I feel like you just kind of became a movie star like I like kind of.


I was a decade in when it happened, it didn't happen overnight, I know, but but you thank you for saying moviestar that makes you feel really good.


You are a movie star in the movies as a matter as much as I know. I have started I have started movies. Yeah.


Now I've gotten into arguments with my family where they're like my dad's like, well, you're not a movie star. And I'm like, who is that? Who is. I have starred in movies.


So technically I technically I am. But I see what you're saying is like just. Yeah, but not a movie star. Movie star.


And I'm like, you just said it twice though. So now you just said it twice. But that is why you're funny.


I just learned why you're so funny.


You've been most abused. I feel so much better now because I was like, why is he so funny? That's why your dad hates you. Yeah, well, yeah, yeah, yeah.


You're describing abuse. Better help, Dotcom.


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Whitney But didn't you don't you find, though, like, I don't know, there's something. I don't know, there's something creepy about the movie business I'm finding. I don't know, I'm sure. Yes, for sure, I mean, I've had like old timey producers say some of the craziest things to me, like just be like.


You want your dick sucked tonight? I could make that happen. I can make a call, get your dicks up tonight. And I'm like, Oh my God, I'm good. It was like to do to do a movie that I'm just not going to do.


And they're like, but there's also to spice up the deal. They're like, man, just want his dick sucked. But there's also something funny.


And I'm like, oh, but there's also something like I mean, yes, yes I do.


But it's also like the fact that you're offering the latest in movie means I can already get that whenever I want.


For sure. It's something weird, an old timey Hollywood. And it's also like by who?


I know. Like who are they sending? Who it's like old timey Hollywood where they're like, oh yeah.


And just imagine them like all slicked back in, like driving.


They're in a time where ex-girlfriends are canceling of three years in a relationship or canceling. And it's like, hey, you want a future allegation for sure.


Even even if I was ever creepy now I'm like, I would never be creepy.


Not even to some whores. No, no, no, no, no. Thank you.


Hey, and I'm live streaming this. I no, I was just let me live.


I would not like to go to the strip club. Thank you, sir.


Thank you, sir. Terrifying. Yeah. You can't do that.


Like that's such a great it's just a testament how weird it's been. And I think what I realized like, like on shows there is like you're together for a long time movies by the time you've shot like two weeks and witnessed something really bad happening to me, it's like, what am I going to what are we to stop?


Like, it's almost like the machine is moving in. The train is moving too fast to to address anything crazy.


Like you can't you know, I yeah, I could see that because.


Yes, like by the by the time but that's what's so I realized what's going on for sure like that.


You, if something crazy happens it should be addressed.


But I do like movies and how quick that because you could go into something and it just sucks and you're like oh the people saw like people are rude or whatever it is and you could just muscle it out and go like OK, and it'll be done in four weeks or find someone on the set.


Yeah. You'll like some people, but I mean, for the most part, I've liked every production.


I've been there before.


We came on the podcast. Yeah. I gave you examples like JT McBride.


I hated Anna Kendrick and that she was a monster and was like a foul and that I'm the only person you've ever enjoyed working with.


But whatever you need to do to get your podcasts off the ground, this is important.


On our radio podcast, I want to ask you, because I feel like there was like you were just in literally a movie a month like like star like starring on like two, three TV shows at once.


Let me at least do the one you're investing in.


Were you are you gay? I gave you a four pack.


Can drink, can drink, can no.


I prefer a pair of you buddy the work on your business skills.


But I was there anything that you came really close on that you really, really wanted and didn't get.


I know. Got everything you ever wanted. Fasel. I don't know what that's like. I know there's been there's been some things where they're like. You're you're in talks or they you're on the short list and and then you never really know how close you actually were.


Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or something you passed on that you're like, I should have passed on it. It was it's like Sandra Bullock passed on Million Dollar Baby. I love stories like that. Yeah.


Which is you can't imagine any other way but you're sort of like I was she like you know there's been like there's been movies that for sure and I'm not going to name it, but for sure they're going to suck.


And I did not want it. And they came to me and it was like, hey, you're in the running for this.


And it will be a lot of money. It's a big studio movie and you'll be the lead of it.


But it's for sure going to be bad. Like, without a doubt. I'm like, oh, it's going to be bad.


And I'm like, I don't want it. That's so stupid. I would never do that in a million years. How much money exactly? But I'm not going to do it even if they offer it to me. And then they didn't offer it to me. And then I'm like.


Wish I wish I could have gotten it. OK, I just got passed on for a bad movie at the end of the day. They passed on. They passed. You know, that's in the record books. I guess no one did all that just yet. I can score card, they're going to say in that one when the book comes out.


Adam Debrided.


Yeah, I like the idea of you when I see someone that I feel like I was up for something or passed on me for something. And I know and I see them at like a thing. It's always like, hey, yeah, yeah, I was yeah, I was doing a thing and I wish I could have worked out like I pretend I passed and, you know, I mean, so embarrassing.


I, i for Modern Family, I did like twenty five episodes of Modern Family and they, we were going to work out a deal for me to come back and, and possibly marry Sarah Highland's character.


And it didn't work out scheduling wise. And then they just decided like we can't juggle your schedule with our schedule and we're just going to kill the deal. And I wanted to do it.


I wanted to finish how famous you got.


And then you were like on that show. Yeah. It's like you can't really tell how when you're getting more famous.


But it was so funny to just be like, oh, I'm Devine starring in it. Oh, he's done star this.


He's just because you were on it before you get on Modern Family.


And and then I run into Steve Levitan like some one of those like Premi Hollywood parties and we talk for a few minutes.


Very cordial, very nice. Like we're very friendly. He's a funny guy. And then I saw him like the next night because, you know, when they have those parties, there's like eight and the same people.


Yeah. And we go the embarrassing when you had like network was on the night before and you see him again like we do this. Yeah, totally. I mean, he's just makes more connection.


Steve goes literally we're talking. All right, go on. I'm like, oh hey, how's it going. Good to see you again.


He goes, We just did this last night and he's like, I'm going to go grab a drink. And I just did this. I don't. I don't.


You're not coming back. Yeah. Oh, yeah. No use for you. You just did this. You've I've gotten what I've needed. Yeah.


Oh yes. Your work here is done. I need to go find an actor to marry Sarah Hyland. Max Greenfield, where are you?


I mean, it really is like it's because at this this business is so incredibly inappropriate. And I try to tell you, so much of it is because so much of it is like guys does socializing, but it's really like hard core, like networking.




And it's like someone going like, I'm to have a drink that's that's being like she's pretty. And then I'm to go talk to her. I'm going to. Yeah. And you're just like that's actually what it is.


But it's in under this like rules that we're all like socializing and like, like friends.


But those parties are pretty fun though.


They're fun when you're I'll say they were fun when I was young.


We as much as you win. Yeah. Everyone just like like love. Super nice to you.


But they're thrown in my honor. Oh. So what do you mean what parties you're talking about. I'm like, OK, that's weird.


I remember especially like the first few years of workaholics when like the show was pretty like red hot and we had no wherewithal as to like how fancy the parties that we were going to were or like what's appropriate and what is not appropriate.


Those were the most fun because we'd go there and just get drunk.


And I arm wrestled the big guy from the blind side and then they found me all drunk in a corner, like cornering Wesley Snipes, one being like one that was present. And they're like, Adam, we've got to go.


You don't pay your taxes. Just like what?


Yeah, totally. And I, like, saw Chris Hemsworth and I evidentally I was going like, he's not even that big.


He's like, you called this guy Thor.


And because you were the guy from the blindside, comparatively tiny, small man. That's so. And those parties were so fun.


And then now, you know, now it would be like because I'm in my when it's when you're twenty five doing that and people are like, those guys are so fun.


You know, I look at them go showing but they're so grateful, they're just happy to be, they're just having a great time.


But now like I'm in my mid thirties there, I'd be like he's embarrassing.


This is embarrassing me. I be like we should call someone. Yeah, for sure.


Does he need help? OK, yeah. Yeah, I sure. He invests in hard zeltzer and cannabis companies not he's an alcoholic and a stoner and we have to purchase any of the real estate.


He's renting everything. I just bring the receipt. I know it's a little sketchy, is very sketchy.


He rents his watch because you're a match.


Do you see the price tags in his shirt? Like, I don't know. I don't know if it was a tuck them in or if you took them from side. Like, I didn't know what I was looking at.


You guys, he's out of control. I'm obsessed with like who? In comedy. As our M.C. Hammer oh, who's going to like I think it's and job our Theo like, well, are those guys building 40 million dollar mansions in Oakland on a mountaintop like Rich?


Probably like when you when you see comedians make money and you're just like no one taught you about money. Teach me about money. Yeah. No, either.


So, I mean, a lot of mistakes. I felt like I and I'm saying this now, I've been saying this for the last six months where I'm like I only now feel like I know even the smallest bit about money.


Like now I'm like, no, I kind of get it.


I blew it all. But in ten years, I bet I'm going to look back and be like, oh my God, what did I?


I didn't know anything. But that boat wasn't too know, you know, why did I buy a boat?


Why did I not look online to compare the price to the vendor shit.


Because, like, I should have just looked bit. But that's where all the reliable information is.


I'm the guy they sent me their boat guy. How was I to know he was with Khalifa's boat guy?


He seemed reasonable, had a tiger in the back of control. Old just he was his boat. You gas. I mean, said it makes.


That's one of the things you buy it in a parking lot in Glendale, on the ring and on the cash, and within 20 minutes I was like, I know business is business, that's all. I had to meet him in international waters. That's how you do business. Oh, it's so it's it's funny because it's like you people will try to fuck you.


That's how, you know, you've made it when people try to fuck you. So I had this this my the my old house.


Good. I have so much shame about money. I'm like the old I thought that could be, you know, live here.


You sleep there. I still have fear, shame about money.


But the old house I had like the pool was like going under the patio or something.


And this guy came over, he told me he was in house three hundred thousand dollars. He said that we have to pull the whole patio up, move the house.


By the way, this is the house that Tim Allen built in.


I'm not joking and you have to play that sound of it.


I'm not sure we have it.


I wish I wish I was the only there was only one big button, and it was just that noise that I bring up Tim Allen so frequently on this podcast that we have a button.




I mean, it's the best it's the best home improvement like. Yes, yes. I don't remember that much of that.


I remember just that's my boy just walking around my house, jerking off to, you know, all of the tool time, you know, and just be like I was like my favorite noise for for 25 years.


So my favorite noise to have the favorite noise. Yeah. Yeah.


So what are the other way to number two is a balloon deflating number three, three nails on a chalkboard.


I love it. I'm a weirdo. Oh, that's a joke.


But it's funny to have like a favorite thing. But no. So Tim Allen, I remember because one time the first house I ever bought, I was like the biggest deal to me. And I'm sure I didn't know anything about money. I thought if to buy a half million dollar house, I thought you had to have half monos cash. Like, I had no idea how it even worked. Right.


I know my and my business manager is like, well, let's let's I was like, well, could Manager Transylvanian kind of sounds like it.


He said, let's just pay it off slowly and see how long you're going to be there.


But I had the money to pay for it all. And so I'm like, but we should just and he's like, no, that's not how you do it.


And then for the longest, for still to this day, I'm like, he's stealing all my money.


Yeah, I don't know anything about money, but I'm like, he gives me like one piece of advice, something that seems like you're stealing all my money. He's Dane Cook's brother in law. That's it.


I was like, if Danus is if I hear he's single and in jail.


And in fact, I wanted to do a I think I brought this up to him and he didn't think it was particularly amusing. A show called Finding Cook's Money. And it's just a reality show.


This is like five or six years ago.


I and he's like that kind of ruined my life for about five years.


So you should do a show about you trying to find all the money because he did buy a bunch of stuff with your money.


What if you just went and then you show your dad's cancer? Yeah.


Yeah, only that yeah. I was like, wow, that's you. Man, that seems fun to relive all that life trauma that I went through.


You don't want to see not your stand up.


You go find your mom, you and your expensive hot air balloon. But like, I just was like I thought that was such a good idea. I thought I was going to go over. Great candidate. And I have so many questions about your wedding and all of that kind of shit. Have you written your vows and who's officiating is written here? I'm just.


No, haven't written about yet. I'll I'm going to do I'm going to do like I did with my engagement, my proposal and just blackout.


And I love you. You love for the longest time period like a raven. No, no, no. Because you're going to get up there and you're like, look, I don't even want to get married. Oh for sure you would. I never thought I'd come to know for sure.


I have to write it down and just be like stick to the script, because as a comedian, I know I'm just going to revert to you know, it's not like I'm talking to you, but I'm also like, I've been doing this. You guys are going to have so much footage of me, like talking to you.


But then you looking at me twice. I know we don't do that. We're like, yeah, it's like we're having a conversation.


But really for the audience at home, just for sound come, you know, we're both like just like in our camera.


And I know that that I don't want the wedding to be that where we're like. Looking at each other, and then when I divorce, I might get away to the audience because that's all I'm really doing this for, your side is all going to be comedians just like fucking pranking you and being idiots, making fart noises and shit. Yeah, there's just like a laser.


It is a guy who walked down the aisle, there's a gun here.


Yeah, they did. They just know that that's the one thing if I see it, I have to attack it like a cat.


So to do a laser pointer on someone's face, you know what I mean?


You have to face you like want it to be really scary because I want to have a joke wedding and a joke funeral.


I, I think joke funeral for one hundred percent.


I'm coming down from a crane and I'm sure I want some. This is what I want for my funeral.


And I thought about this.


I want I think about this, you know, I want to have I'm kind of weirdly obsessed with hot air balloons and I've only ever been in them once. And it was the most magical day of my life.


You brought up hot air balloons twice the last five minutes. Yeah. And that's why I think I'm on this hot air balloon cake.


This is what happened when I was in a hot air balloon for the first time, wanting to get in a hot air balloon my whole life, go with my ex-girlfriend and we're taking this hot air balloon.


You realize that it's fire over a paper thing is a bad idea, but I'm a dangerous boy. Please have your next special being called Dangerous. I'll pay you, I've literally. What do I do?


Dangerous Boy meets me with a popped leather jacket with a collar. We just do all of our special title Imposters as pranks, like, well, we should just we should have other comedians have to choose your poster and then you have to do it.


That's I love that you have to write an hour around the title Dangerous Boy idea.


That would just be such a funny like we'd never do this because we're all like workaholic, greedy idiots that don't really get to, like, do things for the love of the game anymore. But like, if we because I always wanted to a stand up show and we did it a couple of nights at the show I used to host when I was like twenty two, that it was everyone does someone else's act. That's fun and you're just making fun of you.


You're fucking around but it just cuts too deep. You're like, I do. Yes. I'm going to make my position is like OK, chill I have on the bench but my pussy material is really good.


It's rock solid I guess.


I guess I did my favorite. So, you know.


Yeah, you start getting defensive, you're like it's not it's actually not like that. OK, well do you have a boat like never gets more bizarre throughout the throughout the night. No, no.


I'll cry on my boat but I, I love the idea of.


I like popping them like like it's alcoholic, like it's a beer, like another one down bottom, the water elderflower.


What is it, elderflower? What does that work?


Are you a literal word of the day we find what is that word? Is that French?


I think a lot of our friends are illiterate. I've noticed that.


I can see I could see me being a little who who reads the ads on your podcasts. And I you know, I go. So what's it about?


I'll summarize it himself. What does your dick not work?


That's all my sponsors are about, about flaccid dicks. And it's like you want to get your dick heart stopped listening to me and turn this off like it's not that the reason your dick isn't hard is because you're listening to them and then they turn, they mute you and go, Oh, that's all I needed to do.


I've been such a fan for so long. I thought I like the sound of her voice brought to you by Roman. Hey, guys, if you're Dick Standard. Yeah. Because you're listening to three dudes talk. Yeah. It's just it's just like how to clean your butthole.


It's like why it's so funny because it's like all the ads that could never go on TV. Comedians are like, oh the bottle.


Yeah, the bottle. Yeah. And then finally a place we can put our butthole wipe out.


I got a T-shirt that size.


It says like talk to me about my butthole and I'm like, hilarious.


I'll like aware of what I like go work out.


And Khloe was like, you're not wearing a shirt that says, talk to me about my butthole out in the world.


I love this because famous men think if they got something, they have to wear it as a clothes.


I have so many shirts that I'm like and clothes I should we just give this away? And I'm like, well, I was given it. I got to wear it. I have to wear it.


What choice, what choice do I have. They gave it to me and no, never know.


It's 100 percent cotton. So it's quality, it's quality material and it's I'm going to the gym tomorrow.


I only have 700 other shirts, so I only have all those workout shirts that I bought specifically for working out. But I have to wear this buttholes shirt because I was given it.


It really is like a tricky like they give you like swag from, like shows you're on or whatever. I feel like I can't wear those because it's just like, oh yeah. You around. Yeah.


I don't. Yeah. I give all of those to my mom and one hundred percent of every time that I FaceTime my mother, she's wearing a Conan O'Brien shirt or a collaboration or a kohnen shirt or an Ellan shirt.


One hundred one hundred percent of the time.


That is so sweet.


It, it is but I know it's just like my mom is so prideful. You won't buy her other clothes. You mean, you know, she's so prideful like she. I know. It's almost just like. You can have a conversation not involving me and the stuff that I've been on, like I feel like her friends are getting to the point that they're like, we get it. He was on what?


He was on The Tonight Show. And did he give you that T-shirt, Penny? Yeah, OK. Anchee Yeah. Yeah, uh huh, yeah. Like, it's such a it's such a sweet.


It is. It's sweet.


But I'm like I'm looking out for her friendships because I think there's a few people that are hanging on there like, see, so we don't even know that Craig Killorn like it's like also half the fucking shit I have. Like it's all been like, yeah, it's like super deep cuts, shirts, networks that have been canceled.


Yeah. Yeah.


My quitte one piece that I gave Penny I'm so we have like OK, so we have a couple of things in our past that are just like funny and weird. So weird. Yes. Explain, explain to me you write them OK and then. Well one time someone hacked my phone.


That's right. Got my phone number and someone put my phone number on Reddit I think. And for whatever reason that yeah no I'm just like it's job security.


She'll create a problem and then solve it. But no, there's sugar in my gas tank.


I don't know how that. OK, I'll fix it.


Can I say that the fourth beverage and you get it, you have it yourself. It's starting to boil in there. I just, my stomach just went, oh no we don't.


I can do the rest of my podcast. I went back and did you just sit in my chair?


I don't even know what that means when you're so stupid.


Have you ever had any one come to you about doing a biopic about a famous comedian?


Yeah. You're early on I. Was almost played Bellucci in a biopic, and they didn't make the movie, and then they came back and then they were going to make the movie again and they went with like.


I think it was Josh Gad was then attached and then he wasn't attached, and Emile Hirsch, did you in addition, as Jim Belushi do an impression?


No, the we just went out to dinner and he's just like, mm hmm. Yep. You're the guy.


I think you're going to be the guy who drink a lot.


Yeah, I think that was yeah. That was just like another one passed out and fell down the stairs.


And he's like, it's just I fuck.


Yeah. This is this is like comedians are the best in the world. They do not let shit slide. I was like I was like, I won't be able to get away without the stutter when, you know, I thought I thought you were doing it as like a drunk person.


So I wasn't actually I know my mouth is fucking worse when when you send like a text, it's like a zinger and there's a fucking typo in your cock, man.


And you have to. So what was the. We were talking about the weird thing. I put my number on Reddit. Yeah. And the way that which happens, like a lot and you get weird pranks and where's this prank or whatever was happening was just many different numbers, sending me photos of you naked on a toilet, pretending to be you texting me.


Oh yes. I took like a prank photo on Valentine's Day, like it was probably seven years ago.


Now I'm naked on the toilet. I wasn't naked, but I'm like sitting on a toilet and I'm like, oh, yeah.


And I put it on like my Instagram or so I was like, I'm ready. Yeah, I, I just busted.


I'm like, Happy Valentine's Day, everybody or whatever, you know?


And I'm sure it was like a hilarious caption that I had. I bet it was so good, so well thought out and.


Yeah. And then they sent it to you and just booked the Bellucci thing. Yeah. And no.


And then you were like Hey. Are you texted me this, and I'm like, no, I texted with the person for like three days. Yes. Thinking that it's me and I was like and I was like it was this thing where I was like, this is this is how much I like you. Yeah.


I was like, I'm like doing some weird flirting. Like, it's like I'll just pretend like the next time I see him I'll just pretend he didn't sound like maybe he's just going through something like I really treat it. I was like I was like it was so inappropriate and weird. I was like, oh, you're so crazy.


Like I just was like but I remember then you texted me and you're like, Oh my God, someone's been texting that and pretending that it's you.


And I go as a joke. I'm like, ha, it is me.


And did you like those dick pics or something like as a joke, not knowing any of this is really happening.


And you were like, wait, what sends me in an even bigger spiral. Yeah. And you're like, wait, what like.


And then it was like an hour later so I could just tell you were like, wait, so seriously. Are you, aren't you. I'm like, no, I'm not. And you're like, no, honestly. Now I can't tell if you actually sent me all this stuff or did you or didn't you?


And I'm always like, how much was the rent? You know? And then I felt really bad.


And being like hate. I want to be absolutely clear.


I am not sending you dick pics or weird message with someone that just sent me a bunch would have had to cover his ass. Yes. So yeah.


Yeah. I'm literally this is everything you say is making this worse.


I remember being like, just ignore it just it's just like I was like turn the other way and just be in denial about it forever because you can't lose this friendship. Yeah.


And then like a week later you come and you're like, there's a homeless person in my house asking for your mom.


And I was like, what? Yeah, I, you were like on a bed.


I was like, he's just lost your mind.


Every exchange I had with you for like a year was so it was it was a neighbor of mine.


I'm on like a huge tax change because like the we live in like the Hollywood Hills, but it's like really close to Hollywood Boulevard. So we just get we.




I've got to go. It's a long drive home, I've got to go break up with I just got. I do say we know I'm slipping. And so there's just like homeless people are since covid specifically, there's a lot more of them.


And they are coming in. They're like sleeping in in garages and yards.


And it's kind of scary when you go to walk down your stairs and there's like a guy with literally a tent set up.


And so this woman is like, hey, I don't know if Whitney Cummings lives in the neighborhood, but there's a homeless man here that says he's looking for Whitney Cummings mom. And that was her boyfriend.


Yeah. And I remember and then I texted you like, hey, does your mom live in my neighborhood? Because there's a homeless man that is like I mean, even if she did, she they wouldn't know that for sure.


Maybe your mom just has a weird feeling about this. Yeah. Hey, we know your mom's probably like a meth addict looking for you. Like what? No, stop trying to make the connection at all. I'm like, hey, I'm just trying to hook this guy. I'm going to help me find her is like, no, he's just got a knife.


He's like, where's your mom? You're like, Oh, Coughenour, don't worry.


You're looking for what do you want? The rusty knife never process that. Like, I don't know what that's just like one of the weird, dangerous things that happens to you as an adult. I feel you have done the type of thing when you're, like, not going to possess that. I know I should.


Has that ever happened to you like a dangerous thing with a fan or like like something where you're just I'm so Chloes always like, well, why are you I like if someone gives me a shot, I take it one hundred percent of the time I'm like, I'm so bad.


Like, my dad must be so fun. I've actually stopped taking shots because they next to me and I'm like, yeah, you're like.


Meanwhile I'm just barreling down the line of shows up with like drugs.


Like you drink this.


I don't mind the syringe mark with the tape, just like, what's this little hole.


Oh, Bill Cosby.


Tell me how to even bill a lot lately.


We do some podcast from prison. It's not a bad idea.


Did you see Bill that is still killing it?


Did you see he liked in what way do a few years or not a few years ago, like a handful months ago, he had to be like taken to court or something.


Like he's walking with the mask on and he pulls it down to the camera.


It goes like like his like does like a Bill Cosby like face to the shallow jugular vein. Yeah.


And I'm like, it's still work to watch the insane video with the mask. And I'm like, still laughing. I'm like, this guy.


This guy is divided, I understand, under custody. He's still funny.


Yeah, I know. If you saw him. Wow.


How funny would it be if, like if Bill's like ghostwriting someone's career and they like skyrocket, they're becoming like the biggest comedian in the world.


And then it's revealed that Bill Cosby from prison is just like.


So what if he doesn't like the idea of a casting director, somebody like Bill Cosby for this or whatever? And they're like, did you see the video off in the car, like from the club?


Because it's like I think we just think he's so talented. You saw your he just oozes talent that I'm like Charlie Chaplin. Lucille, you just don't get them like that. They are. They don't make me I'm like, baby, he goes behind the judge.


He's like in your like bill. The judge just goes to get out of here. Bill, you're too you are embarrassed to get him out of that jumpsuit. Put the sweater on. We all want to see it.


I do feel like, OK, this is a very hard time and there's obviously a joke. Take the fact that we are like we got humans.


You just can't look just so crazy.


We did have a black rapist be America's dad.


Yeah. For no, for sure. Thirty year and we still like him. I feel we're actually pretty forgiving species.


Yeah. Yeah.


I feel like we got rid of the the, the, the worst offenders you know. But then you look at some of them, Bill Cosby like he's still, he still is funny, even though he is a sexual deviant and belongs in prison.


Maybe he releases a special from prison about how bad donates the proceeds to. Sure. Or he doesn't.


And he just like has a hilarious amount of jello in his prison cell that he gets from the commissary he's doing because he has a podcast. Gelo sponsors it.


It I like Cosby. I don't remember any like real Cosby because he wasn't like my favorite comedian growing up.


It's just those goddamn Jello commercials we I don't have to tell you doing a. Commercial to be funny in a commercial is so hard because, you know, you have no control over you have no control over what takes the use, it has to be global. So really funny people get these big Super Bowl commercials off and then you're stuck a little. It's like embarrassing.


He was funny all the time in commercials. The guy the guy has lost his career has been helped by commercials.


Or mine? No, I did I did a it was like I did this movie, it's a Disney.


It was like a Disney movie that was put on Disney Plus and it was like a camp movie that I'm like the fun camp counselor.


And it's called Magic Camp. And there's all these little kids in the movie.


And one one of the dads had not seen, like the dad, mom hadn't seen anything I'd ever been in. But I was just in this commercial where, like, they ripped my chest hair off and I go like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.


I make some insane voice.


And they were like, wow, that's pretty incredible rise. And I'm like, what's that?


And he's like, just from the Geico commercial or Allstate or whatever it is, Old Spice Guy. And they're like from that to this, that's pretty. And I'm like, and also the commercials airing like as we're shooting.


So it's like that Jeff Disney, who's ever running, I should know who's running the Disney Corporation.


Disney, Jeff Disney is like, we got to get this Disney. Who is it?


Who's running? I think it's Mickey Mouse, Mr. Mickey.


Well, that doesn't seem plausible. It's Jeff Disney, Walt's grandson.


So fucking dumb. I did read somewhere that one out of every three people at Disneyland are plainclothes cops. I'm obsessed with this idea.


I've also heard that, too. And that's why there's never like you see at, like Six Flags, have you? There would be like a huge fight that breaks out.


And then at Disneyland, it never happens because every every dad, that's just like holding cotton candy and there's no kids around.


It's a Navy SEAL. Yeah. He's trained killed Osama bin Laden. And just look like they literally they they say that. Like when? Because I went there with two people that are on like a like a Disney franchise show. So they're like gods.


And you got like a tour, you know. Yeah. And I was you know, I'm just like being an asshole, you know what I mean? The whole time that Dick had on the tour and like, man, it's all Disney and antisemite something.


The dick, that's for sure. You're like you say all the shit and then you say, Mickey's not even a real mouse and you're tackled.


No, I guess there's a red light. So it's like me at my wedding, just like a walk.


And there's a whole appears and I fall in. No, but I was walking.


I was being the asshole. And I mean, nobody but the pedophiles like whatever being like the dickhead.


And he goes, oh, no, no, no. They go downstairs down like a shoot or something. So I was like, huh. And he was like, oh yeah. If you just are at Disneyland and just sit long enough and look around. Most people are parents and they're like looking for their kids. But if you look around, if there's like a single man alone standing for long enough, another man will just come up to me, man.


And he was like, if you just look long enough, it's like, Hey, bud, what?


Are you OK? But you would never know was that. Well, maybe I'm one of those guys that just loves Disneyland. Yeah.


You are going to go to I will get to see this cool extra room. Let's put the adults in the dip like I've seen all of Disneyland. I love Disneyland. So you're saying I got to see you got to look there and I got to stand there for an hour. I got to get a owner take a picture. Oh yeah.


What did you just like put a half a carrot in my pants just and they're like, hey buddy.


And then I get to see that because the kids. I know. But what just if you're going to play a man that's attraction, why wouldn't you just do what you do with women and do that?


Why do they have to? Because you've got to be extra creepy. You got to be extra creepy.


You got to be you know, you're making childlessness. See really Disney. So, Steve, no, it's Disney.


So you got to play. This is you have to be like, oh, this is a basically a children's movie about a pedophile.


So you so you have to do it as a cartoon character.


You got to like Scrooge McDuck boying. You put a wig on. I mean, what was the what was this Fantasia? You have to do it as as Mickey and Fantasia. Remember Fantasia?


I did. I hated it because I'm just like got another of these songs argument with someone yesterday about Fantasia not liking Fantasia.


You've been bringing it up a lot. It's my opener. You know, I'm that small talk, like on a plane.


You're like, oh, yeah, we just have one vodka soda, Fantasia. And the person I saw was like, hi, yes or no fan.


And oh, so you love it, you know?


But I like the idea of. So you like when the brooms, like, sweep, sweep, sweet, sweet, I it's like 11 minutes of that.


I just remember like, how much are they sweeping this goddamn room cleaning that's not done by women is a wonderful thing to watch.


Yes. Hey, fair enough. I know.


Why don't make those, like, bitter woman jokes you haven't cleaned in 10 years. Am I. Yeah.


The woman cleaning is kind of a day off.


It's just like a Kevin James style character in your life is just downstairs. He's like, I wish you'd clean around here every now. And there's no one like that turn into the original Roseanne.


He will steer clear a of that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.


Roseanne, by the way, I bet she's still super funny, though, much like Cosby did.


I'm just saying, if you motherfuckers would just decide to prioritize entertainment. A show with Roseanne and Bill Cosby, where the proceeds go to the causes they hurt, I don't watch. Why not put these put the people that have caused all this damage to walk to work?


Yeah, why not? Hey, I'm tuning in at least to the first episode just to be like this.


Just me a good. Yeah, no, just like I got to fucking see, you know, it raises so much money that some must see TV because people pay NBC.


No, not embassy is not the place you triggered. No, no, no, but it's just fascinating to me because, yeah, when I was working with Roseanne, everything she said and I couldn't tell if it was like conditioning, like because you just know, Bill Cosby's funny or if it was like if this was a new person, I didn't know if it would still be as funny, but we couldn't even audition actors with her in the room because she would if she would read with them, we would be laughing so hard that the poor actor acting with them couldn't, like, do anything, you know.


Yeah, she was like my favorite specifically.


And I work with John Goodman now on the Righteous Gemstones, and I'm just like all of him.


He's though. John Goodman is John Goodman. Laurie Metcalf. I mean, there's like three people that really, like, fluster me to a point of like I just I can't really talk to them.


Well, yes. And and I'm like I like him so much that and he doesn't give you a lot like he'll just, like, stare at you.


Like you. Yeah, he doesn't. Yes. For sure.


Told me I'm kidding.


But he when he laughs at something that I say or like like he like if he were to like laugh like at the end of a take, I'm like I go home like hey I like go home like I'm like I'm wearing a cape just fucking Chloë.


Be like you're John. Good. I want to take on the king of comedy.


Oh I hate this stop.


John Goodman dances on my own top for the damn conures. My dream man like he is out of my dream.


He's such a fucking he's such a stud.


But there was a time that I was working with him that he would when he would talk to me like I do, get starstruck by I mean, you worked with such big celebrities are not usually by actors just because I'm like I also do that.




And, you know, my thing is whenever I get panicky with especially a man, if I start talking, I'm like, you're wearing makeup, you're wearing makeup.


Your know, that's how my dad and my uncles take me down a peg or two. They're like, well, you wear makeup at work.


And I'm like, yeah, I know that's tough. By the way. Why do they know that? I do.


I believe, you know, they've they've seen my dad is like come to said they would come to set every year and my dad would like to see them and he goes, Oh, Jesus Christ, would you make them?


Do you need.


And I'm like, it's the regular moms.


Your dad, Bobby Lee, you know, he sounds I do a great impression of my parents. I don't do great impressions of many people. Like, no, my dad literally talks like this. He'll start and it'll start up high and you'll get going and they'll say something and then he'll end it like that.


He's like, hilarious, just like his cadence is so goddamn funny that you got that I steal from him, but he he loves Hollywood and he just loves giving me shit.


Like when I got to when I did Pitch Perfect, I call him all excited and was like, hey, dad, I just booked like a big studio movie.


The script is really funny. I think I'm I'm going to do it and I think it's going to be a big deal.


And he goes, Oh, awesome, what is it? And is it like an action movie, maybe Thriller?


And I go, it's I play a collegiate. And by the way, I'm like twenty six years old, legend, collegiate, collegiate, collegiate, collegiate.


I've been saying it wrong my entire life.


I'm obsessed by the way I'm obsessed. I did this yesterday. I said to someone about the mass.


I was like, oh, it's been a while since we've introduced a new accessory into yeah, it's not accessory, accessory, accessory, but you still say accessory.




That's saying it wrong. Much like I said, collegiate my entire life.


We get a twenty minute fight about this last night. What you lost. I don't know. I don't know if it was end the here but I can't lose that right now.


OK, so I called my dad and I'm like I'm playing a college aged but I'm because you know why.


When do we draw the line at your foot in your teeth when someone's mispronouncing somebody, you know, tell them because I came out here, my dad says everything wrong.


My dad says things since life spread. Yes, I would say let's play it by year, that's what. I would say, hey, let's play it by ear, and then it took I think it was like Chloë within the last year, she was like, what kind of play it by year?


I thought it might play for a year. And she goes, What does that mean to you?


And I'm like, You just figured out in the moment we're playing about, you know, everyone in your life is like, what an asshole.


He's like, I'll text you the year. Yeah, you're right. Every year I'll reassess if I want to hang out with you.


That's so funny. And so I told my dad I'm going to play this college kid who is in a cappella singing group and he's kind of the start of the a cappella singing group and he takes it really seriously.


And it's really funny.


And my dad goes, it's a singing movie.


And I go, Yeah, it's a comedy.


And they're college kids and they're singing and it's, you know, and he goes, but you can't sing or shit.


And I go, I know I'm an OK singer.


And he goes, Bull shit, you fucking song.


And I'm like, All right, well come to the premiere. This is what it takes to buy a suit. Now you want to have a very successful comedian child. You have to talk to them like this.


Yeah, for sure. That's why I you know, and a lot of people have had this take. I'm like the anti-bullying movement.


I'm like to a point. Yeah, sure. You don't want. Yeah, but some we need some.


We need to let a little bullying. We need an old character building a city.


Yeah. Because I always feel like everyone's too nice. Then, then, then comedy's done. Yeah.


Especially like we need to be able to be rough. It's so like you know I don't know. Yeah.


And I also look back, I'm finally at the point in my life where I just look at all of the adversity and that shit on my mom, like never think I'm good enough stuff like that.


I'm like, oh God, help me, help me, help me. I just I need to look at that. It's good parenting for the job I chose for sure.


Instead of going, my parents failed. And no, I'm just a comedian that gets to live my dream like this.


This ended well. Yeah, it ended well.


I did find like SonoSite, like there's levels to it. Like if like also my dad would say those things to me, which always I knew there was love underneath it.


If he did that and then like, burnt me with cigarettes at night, then I would say that was a bad childhood.


But no burning with love me with cigarettes, you know, it was just like it'd be like, hey, I'm going to send it over.


And it's like you can sing, we're shit.


But when someone brings something out of the blue, I'm obsessed with that. Like, where were you last night?


I wasn't cheating. Like what?


Yeah, I wasn't I didn't think you were in drive to Encino and go to this woman with the Instagram handle, Samantha.


So three to score.


Thirteen looking little bunny at Gmail dot com. Yeah. Because I was like, you're like, I mean my, my childhood was abusive. I mean I was only Berman cigarettes on my left knee or anything so specific.


Well I have really bad scars on my legs because I was you know, I'm sure you don't think I was sorry, but I don't really I was hit by a cement truck as a kid.


And I I've been doing a lot of podcasts to talk about my podcast. And I feel like I've just told the story so many goddamn times. But I was hit by my truck and I couldn't walk for like two years when I was a little kid. So I have horrible scars on my legs.


So you're you I know you feel like you've told the story a lot, and I know what it's like to be in a classroom like I told this and I'm bored and whatever, and I know I have to get you out of here. But I mean, the way you just blow by I was hit by a cement truck is just really like I know what it's like to have a thing when you're like, I don't really want to talk about it.


Well, I'll tell you, you know, a cement truck is can we just start with is that cement or cement?


Cement. OK, I'm joking. I was hit by one so it could be cement.


Before we get to your trauma, we can work on the internation of cement. So it's you know, I just sounds like an interesting story. Cement man. That's like the story of my life.


I get caught up on dumb shit. That doesn't matter is a story my life. It's why I will never be married, because I'm just like, no, you screwed the cop on weird. And I just you can't be you'll never be a father.


You're obviously about father needed to leave the baby on the. I go on the roof. Yeah. Oh, you didn't finish this. OK, so you're going to leave the baby on the roof when we thought, OK, well find it's never going to work.


Well I finish it all the elderflower press, if that's how you say it, précis, there's no way to know how to say that word. That one that one's rough.


It's not that good.


There's a reason there was so many of those. Yeah.


I don't know if they're a sponsor, but, you know, I'm going to say not for me, OK? Not my favorite. Not for me but Roman call but Roman very much for me.


So it's so soft and I'm so bored.


You know, normally people doing that after they put the Roman numbing gel on their mouths.


There's Roman Domingo. Yeah. For your dick.


Oh, you don't read your I mean, you know, I black out what I read when the. I can't tell them about this. We said, no, we shouldn't. You know, I can't read. So they just give me the general. They're like it's like take pills and stuff. And I'm like, does your dick doesn't work because you're bald as head.


You're insecure about your bald as so brutal.


Any time someone wants to say that, like men never have anything hard, ever listen to the ads on our shows. It's like your dick doesn't work. Your balls are girls. Clean your dad, shave your. It's just like Jesus. Men have fucking insecurities.


Do the people are really worried about their balls? I'm like, I guess my balls don't smell that bad. Like I walk because because there's so many, like we're constantly get inundated with like ads that are like it's ball powder's it's it's it musky down there and they're like, no, not real names.


I don't think so. I mean my girlfriend comes up like with tears. Right. Yeah. Chloe is like this is how much was that right.


It was right. You know.


But for real though. For real.


That price of bring she'll put up with your ball so hard for another year or so. And then what do you guys fight about or do now?


We don't. When you got engaged, did the fighting go down or dissipate?


I do. We don't we don't fight. So cool.


Yeah, we really don't like mostly it's like I will get frustrated, like if I'm hungry.


That's the only time that we really if like I'm if I haven't an because she will just she can have like one big meal and then not eat again for twenty four hours and every like three hours I need more food and so I'm, I will then then I'll be like.


Can I get a little help here or something like that, can't rain all this. I'll be right back. Out of nowhere, you're so pissed about something, and if you didn't park your hair down the middle, we wouldn't be in this situation. Like what? What does that need? A snack, like some nuts.


What do you want to say? It looks good.


You know, I really has, like, most of the things I'm pissed off about to get back.


Just play it by ear.


And she's like, Educare Wedding's off a mark.


Have you gotten your tux? No, it's not we're not not until the fall, so I like a lot of a lot of time out of the woods. I mean, we will be right. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Have you have you had the pleasure because of covid I.


It's not funny. I just it's such a nightmare. No, it's such a night. Like have you wasted money on venues. Yes. We had a venue that they just stopped.


They like went bankrupt like a huge venue that goes we're going to cancel all events for 2021 and we're like but are waiting though.


And they're like, yeah, we're just not doing it.


If you want to get upstairs, if you want to get married in 2022, we might be back. And I'm like the Circuit City.


I hate you because I was like I was like, is he I was like, comedians can see when other comedians are talking, but also we're also thinking, oh yeah, you're like, is it like would be best to watch him be like, I'm not going to let you win.


That's like when you see another comedian going, no, I'm going to finish this and I'm going to get you. I'm thinking of the reference that's going to kill ya.


That is a thing that I feel like only comedians can do just because not I mean, people could think of other things while they're talking, but comedians are so conditioned to be thinking about totally different things while being funny, because on stage, when you really have your hour dialed in and you do it every night, sometimes you'll be like, what are you doing right after this?


Are we going to go to dinner?


Like, Oh, I forgot to. Over here. There's some talking over here.


So let me just thinking like, hey, should I do this bit four minutes from now or should I replace it with this other pivot to this I'm going at this guy's getting kicked out, so I'm going to move over here and distract people like it's you're constantly in between jokes, like having to kind of you're managing a tremendous number of people. Yeah, we are the best, aren't we?


Honestly, crowd control with your charisma.


It is so weird what we do, the fact that we walk in in like two thousand people that like I like the fact that anyone cooperates.


I haven't done it in so long and it's so weird now.


And I do not want to do any of the car shows outside. No, I haven't done any I haven't done standup in like two years now because I didn't I did my special and I was like kind of burnt. I toured a lot right before I did my special and I was just sort of burnt out and I was like, you know, I'm going to take some time off.


And I was like, working, acting stuff quite a bit.


So I was like, yeah.


And then in twenty twenty I'll get back on it and build my hour and then turn twenty, twenty one. And you know, that didn't happen.


I might vomit the coffee way. No way. Coke Zero.


You're not a elderflower combo. I need you. YouTube loves shit like this. Yeah.


It's like you puke video. Oh yeah.


I wish this were like I wish you were like Stevo. No I'm good. I got some time. No I don't want you to. I'll be fun.


I wish you got, like, really loud, you're not, like, really loud, like sound like stomach noises during that silence or just me.


And just like your new movie Dinosaur, like it's the home improvement noise in my stomach.


Did you swallow our home improvement, but who have you been starstruck about, OK?


This is what I did to John Goodman when I talked to him. I just start lying uncontrollably because I go I bet he he loves, you know, he does. But I talked about this, I think, once on on a talk show.


And I was like, if he sees it on me, it would. Of course you didn't, because he's just too cool to watch anything.


But he goes on he would always want to talk to me when I was on or say he loves comics like you, just like loves comedy.


He loves funny people. It's like. Yeah. And like Howard Stern, like these guys, it kind of just love comics because they're like they think what we do is hard and like one of them and they're really doing all of us when you're just sort of like, how could you totally there's nothing above you in the fact that they're like, hey, so what's it like doing standup?


And you're like like so he would come to me, asked me to always be like, are you torn?


Did you tour this weekend when I was on a on a book towards me and he was like, so where are you going this weekend?


And I like, didn't know. I mean, I knew if I really thought about it, but I, I also like start arching my back around him like I have a crush on him. Yeah.


But I also want to be my dad and I'm also like I don't like Vegas, Caesars Palace. And you're like really. And you're like, no, it was Waukegan, Illinois.


No, that's what I did. And because I'm so in love with him that I start blacking out and he goes, where? And I said, St. Louis, which I believe is where he's from.


He goes, I'm from there. What theater? Yeah. And then I was like, I literally panicked. And I just said, the paramount, because there's a paramount kind of and yeah, there's a lot of paramount.


It's close. It's like good enough pageant I think. Is it. Yeah, that's what it is. But he was like, where is that?


And I was like, is it downtown, is it downtown? And then I'm going like, yeah, it's downtown. It's known. He's like, why do they put that in? And I'm like, making him feel like old.


Yeah. And they're like, when did they put that in.


I want to say nineteen hundred or it could be two thousand. You're just wanting very old and senile. Yeah.


I'm making my hero feel bad. Like he said is the best when when he laughs.


So because he like better he doesn't, he doesn't like give you like a he's like he loves it.


He like really. Yeah. Like Santa. Yeah.


For me. But he also we did a pilot together years ago that I got fired from and it was that we played CIA agents in. So it's like him playing a CIA, it's just the greatest.


And he would deliver this amazing monologue like, like everything he does is brilliant.


Yeah. Every choice he makes is brilliant, surprising and beyond. And you believe all of it. And then he would. Cut, he'd stop himself in I fucked up and all be like, but now we're on the edge of our seat riveted and the guy's fucked up and you're like, this is why you're John Goodman. Yeah, but you don't cut corners yourself.


Exactly. He it would be like we're we're finished the scene.


And he's like, I'm sorry, guys, I'm I'm so sorry. And we're like, that was incredible.


Can you like I feel like if I delivered a soliloquy like that, I'd be like and I can retire on top and I'm done.


Now give me my golden popcorn now, MTV, that's my pinnacle.


That's which is why it's like I just feel like there's this. Give me my Razzie now.


It's like I'm at the surf board of the Stacked Teen Choice Awards. Told you that was the best thing.


I think when I found out the guys can't be allergic to latex at the moment, you realize you've been lied to about a minute.


But I yeah, I just I'm like just I feel like there's this thing now with people. They're like, confidence is all I need. I just need to believe in myself. You also need to beat yourself up and for sure, expect a lot from yourself and leave work and go. I feel like I could have done better.


I'm not saying you're not enough and you're not good and you're not like everyone's like whole thing is like I'm in love totally.


But you could be you couldn't be better. I know. I mean, I ran around fucking Stella Adler Theater in the eighties.


I was like, I'm know. He was like, I'm going to do it again. Yeah. And that's why he's John Goodman. Sorry.


I think he has the coolest career, too. I think he like to be able to be a huge TV star then, be it a huge movie star and amazing on a multicam, which is very hard to do.


Yes. Yeah. He was able to do everything. I think I told you that. Yes.


Yeah, we've had a couple like we've had a couple of cool converse like you I love. You for so many reasons, but one thing that's so I stop drinking this time, so I need to get involved now because whatever you're doing is self-destructive like you are.


You are you are you are. You know, you are about gut health. Oh. Turns out I don't know anything by the way. I know. How long is this. I've been here. I don't even know. I don't think you know it is dusty. I put the film on the teeth.


I don't know what this brand is called.


Extra Peach. You've drunk everything except Cayenne. So what's going on with your fucking company? A lot of them.


Somewhere I feel like I just drank when it was good. They're delicious. No, I actually it tastes grill.


Yeah, they're really good. That one that there's a there's a this is a bunch of different flavors.


So now you're going to promote it like I wish I knew the amount of flavors I just went with a bunch of I'm really good is an angel investor. They're all like can you Ademir every time you have an opportunity, who would ever ask questions about this? You just said Bill Cosby's really funny and then talked about can within 15 minutes of each other.


Hey, you know that old black face Rodney went on and that you're holding can do it like I know you invest it all, but like, do you mind maybe not doing the blackface thing right next to hold her holding up and keeping her body back as a company ever return an angel like, hey, we're good?


Actually, you know what, thanks, but no thanks. Cease and desist. Actually, if he could not bring it up ever again, we'd appreciate it. Gag order. But I love this because I love a double pun that you don't realize is a double pun to later. I'm obsessed with you. US shows are always like three puns and one that's like suits.


OK, they'll be a show called Like like and they're wearing what?


I don't know what it'll be like wild card.


And it'll be like a guy that is like a car dealer in Vegas and he's a wild man and his dad owned a greeting card business or something, and he inherits a greeting card business in the well and then has to go, yeah. And Olivia Wilde place a girl like it's always like something where you're like, why did you need this many puns in the title?


Call it anything workaholics is kind of that. Workaholic alcohol at and yes, that's true, but that's like also there should have been more. And it's funny because yeah, that's been my problem with your show. Yeah, there wasn't enough double entendre. Could have been a triple. Yeah, there could have been extra tundras.


So yes. No, but enjoy. But workaholics is an extra Piech. No. Because workaholic stop promoting other companies besides yours do this.


But like, like what was the other one.


There was one that was like a lucky strike or something and yeah it's about a kid named Lucky. He's a he's a baseball.


Oh I like Bolar better. We have a good team. We don't go bad idea. We're like, oh you better hurry. He is a bowler.


This is the writing team. Smoke a cigarette. You're like, yeah. Is there no more lucky and he's also waiting to strike on Sunset, the bowling alley.


Yeah, and then he wins the lottery and does his life turn upside down? You know, it does. Does he strike out because he has too much money, but he keeps making bad decisions.


And is the stripper that accuses him of rape named Lucky?


You know, she is you know, she is lucky if you don't catch chlamydia.


There's not alcohol in here.


I'm not even drinking the drinks.


Do you watch TV?


I can't watch TV without feeling like work, without feeling like jealous or like or like I don't watch and work sometimes.


Like comedy's really me either.


I mostly watch except yours like prestige TV.


I like, I like really boring shit that other people like you and I like watch like not to shit on Downton Abbey, but it doesn't seem like a show that I would watch because when I watched it and like really enjoyed it, it's probably soothing to you because you don't have to go.


Like I would have said it this way or I know that guy. Yeah. That like there's always just a little bit of, like, background noise.


When I'm watching something, I'm like, oh, fuck you do that.


If it's even remotely similar to the type of comedy that I would do, I, I don't even it has to be like so far removed. I love the idea that you, like, meet someone like Paul Rudd at a party and you're like me.


I don't watch like it's funny because comedians have no what we don't. I feel like I'm the only comedian that watches other comedy specials, like, really good at that.


Like when you you like, came over to my house and you were you mentioned like specific things.


So from like 30 or 40 minutes into the act, like sometimes like in the opening will mention the opening bit. And you're like, oh I do that too. I like because I like to see how they people start their specials. Yes.


And then I'll nervously turn it off ten or fifteen minutes in and be like I've seen him, I got it, I've seen him do it. Fuck the store with fifteen minutes. I got it. There's no one to go from here.


Well there is a lot to cover on that stool.


We got it.


One of my first bits that was so stupid. Speaking of stool fucking I used to do like really dumb bad bits where I would do a bit called hot mic.


Can I tell you to about. Let me just I'm interrupting because I'm only going out when people insult themselves and I disagree with the insult. Well you haven't heard the bit.


I want to defend you against your think.


You need to listen to how loud ask your dad and Jesus to make this funnier.


You did you did a bit called Hot Mike where you would go.


Is it hot, Mike? Sounds like a dumb bit when your dad is doing it.


And I would go and I go, this bit's called Hot Mike and I come up and I go, Hey, how's everybody doing tonight? And then I take that out of there and I go, Oh, and then I committed so hard for like two and a half minutes, really, really.


And I'm like taking people's drinks and put it on my hand.


And it was so bad and so dumb.


But I loved doing it like I would. I loved doing that at the Improv because people are like, what the fuck is going?


Oh, I don't think here's what I will say. That is some is so hard to do what you're because I think I'm just like giving you credit for I mean, I've seen it.


I would like to give it up right now. Yeah.


But no, I'm just saying what you're doing is odd because I get so self-conscious and insecure and a lot of times comedians that whatever Peacocke posture is being like really confident, like I couldn't do that.




I like I'd have to the audience would have to be so fucking with me, you know what I mean. Sure. That I don't know. I would I feel I don't know if I would do it now.


It was before like I figured out like who I was where like I feel like my comedy's changed now that I'm like telling stories about my life and it's more about me.


And I'm not just doing like one like stand bits like that.


Like one is how would we have had any like, you know what I mean. Like like that was the fun. Like when I look back and I'm like, oh God, that fucking special.


I like all those fucking jokes. Like at the time. Yeah. That was pretty like it was funny.


It was like well yeah whatever you we can't judge it with, you know, what you would do now like I remember seeing you in just be like fuck like you're the only comics that I watch and I never was like I guess I just mean like funny but like cheap like funny but like you're better than that.


Like I just you were always just like fucking would just destroy and you're always about the audience because so many comedians myself included I'm saying this because I regret it the first like like eight or ten years.


I was just trying to get like Marc Maron in the back to think I was. I was so thinking about and I and I remember seeing for the first time being like, oh, he's trying to get the audience, he's here for the audience.




I will feel that was because I worked at the Improv and I knew knows I just all I knew all the comedians and knew that, like, they only see me as the door guy anyways.


So and but you know that we're sitting in the back going like this guy, I mean, because it's like when you're starting out and it's so clear you're about to be the next guy. There is this like coldness where I'm like, oh, he's going to be the next thing like like you.


You can tell if how funny someone is based on the number of comedians that talk to them in the hallway. And if you the time I knew I started getting some getting good on stage is when the committee's break or when people don't compliment or when I sucked, I'd come up here like that. And if you come off in your gut, there's like weird crowd, right? You're like, OK, I got it, I got it.


I can you can tell me it's always like comedians.


Or if a comedian is like that, you really just act like that was fucking funny.


Like I yeah. I feel like there was once I started to get good, that's when like Jeffrey Ross asked me to do bits on stage with him, like that's funny.


He was like specifically when I, I felt I was getting good. And then Jeffrey Ross was like, hey, I'm actually going up. Do you want to like improv with me?


And I was like. Well, Dad, I've made it. Jeffrey Ross told me I could come on stage and do improv with him and he's like, who the fuck?


Oh, wow. Jeffrey Ross, does he even know that is now? Probably know. He doesn't he doesn't know for sure, does it? No, no.


I do know Dad. He's the postmaster general.


The what. The what. What, what. Cool. Cool, cool. I work on the railroad with.


He did. That's so cool. And where is he live. He lives in.


He was in Omaha and there in the Lake of the Ozarks.


So what's up with is Larry the cable guy still like run Nebraska.


Yeah, I went I was like the celebrity guest for the Cornhuskers football game.


That's kind of amazing. And it was awesome. And it was like that's actually like the biggest fucking deal.


It was so cool. So I got to go there and it's always packed. They, like, sell it out every game since, like the sixties.


And so ninety thousand people like I go on and like just ninety thousand people, it sounded like they were losing their minds. But ninety thousand people going like that sounds like.


So I'm like.


And and then afterwards someone comes up to me and then I turn around and I'm speaking to the mayor of Omaha and I'm like, this is so surreal for me.


And then and then someone comes up to me.


They're like, Adam, Larry, the cable guy would like to see you so they can I call him Larry, the cable guy.


Like, just not they don't come down and. No, they call him I think they call him Larry the cable guy talk, you know.


So you're not like, oh yeah. And they're like, oh, oh, oh.


And then and then I'm like, this is the most Nebraska thing in the world to get summoned to Larry, the cable guy's private box. And then I sucked. Is it.


Yeah. If only it would help the career. And he was just the nicest guy. Have you met him. He's like like so I don't think I have. I was supposed to do his roast and then I was like, didn't that was like I remember I was like given the job of the roast. And then I was the job was taken away, you know, I mean, it was like the first thing I was about to get. And then they were like, actually, we have to use this person.


You know, there was like some political thing where I was like, I couldn't do it. I wasn't famous enough or whatever. And they're like, oh, we'll put you on the next one or whatever.


And I remember I wrote all these, like, brutal jokes about him because I thought I was going to be on it.


And he's like, I was the first time they, like, saw your Satmar like and that's to me.


And they're like me, you know, and and no. And I just I couldn't do it. I was so mad. But I do have a big document of and Ross jokes about him. So whenever I do meet him, I'm like, hey, I have all these things.


I had love to say this to your face. I just like I've my whole I've been waiting to say this to your face for ages.


Maybe you couldn't guitard you are so.


Yeah, I don't know what would work on that. We'll workshop that. Well do you remember when Greg Giraldo went on stage?


And for the record, I think I was a writer on that Rose, but I just was not to be on it.


And Greg Giraldo came out and there was like, you know, we get all these gross jokes that are like so well crafted. And like the whole thing about the roast is like their super surgical and tight and boom, boom, boom and like, not true and whatever.


And you're just saying the most insane things you can say to say it's like it's just you're saying just a Furbies appetizer.


It's like you could just do that. You could just take a scramble game of like a bunch of words and put them together and just like make figure out.


Well, that's why I really liked Hannibal's when he was roasting Hannibal Burress, when he was roasting no. Justin Bieber.


And it was just it actually was like so real that it was uncomfortable where he was just like, yeah, man, I, I don't like you.


I don't think you're talented. I don't like your music at it. I don't get it. I don't think you're good. I don't like how your voice sounds when you sing and people are like, oh no, no, no, no.


That's, that's a private like that's gossip when he's not there. Yeah.


This is a rose. He's going to see that. Yeah. You got to say he's has chlamydia and yeah.


We protect. Yeah. You're so old and you can never forget it. You're like stereotypes. Like just like generalizations. Yeah. Andrle. That's so funny. Fuck.


Geraldo would write these fucking brutal perfect jokes like this is my my favorite story of all time.


He said iced tea. Iced tea. You're so old you used your first residual check to buy your freedom.


Like I just like whatever you think about that.


It's just it's a beautiful it's a beautifully crafted and he's like, I'm forty eight or however old.


I felt like an eighty year old man. That's what's so funny about it. He's not. Yeah. So we can all laugh. It's not, it's not true. He was, he wasn't a slave. Like what. You know we're like OK, we're just telling a crazy joke. And then for Larry the cable guy, he just got up there and went, why are you so hot? Bueller. He was just genuinely a comedian, a comedian, just like mad.


He's like, I don't get it. Like I write it out a year of perfect jokes, but you sell out like I don't get I don't know. I can't get it. I have to explain to my family why you're famous.


And I'm not and I don't have an explanation for what truly is crazy about him is like it was just a character that he was doing on the radio and he was just doing different characters.


And that one just hit. I remember living in Omaha and my dad going like this is from Nebraska. And like I remember him just being like he had like the cassettes and the DVDs and the CDs of just Larry the cable guy jokes that my dad just like loved. And it was just like wildfire.


And and then talking with Larry, he sort of broke it down.


He was like, yeah, I was just his character I was doing or Dan. And it just caught on and I just kept doing it because that's what you would do.


I heard. Is this true or a gossip rumor that he won?


He wanted to do a big show in Nebraska.


And like, how much that's not happening. Yeah, I don't know. It's a weird size bottle.


OK, Jesus Christ.


I actually am starting to be worried about your esophagus. This is too many drinks, too many cherry pop, too many Jarek's promote. Can I write can a marker on this. Can I just write. I would you know, I'm going to take this sticker and put it on all the other beverages that we just were.


You just Photoshop. So it's just floating around. It's a really bad Photoshop.


We're going to have you positive. You can poster behind you.


I forgot what I was saying, but it felt important. Oh, that in in Nebraska that they he could only do a show July 4th. So they moved the fireworks to July 1st so he could do a show that July 4th, like they moved America's birthday so he could do a show that seems real, like he sold out Memorial Stadium.


He's more famous in America than America than they. Oh, then yeah, they moved.


I like how long it took me to get that. I was like then American.


I got confused too. It's it's where you have a and I know what happened.


Well, coffee shouldn't have been the second one out the gate like you did yesterday. Someone called me a bitch is a joke and Eila Bitch is such a it's when it when you mean it there's nothing funnier or when you just when you're.


Yeah. Yes.


Well I mean when you it's it's just something that no one says anymore. And when someone says it when you say to like a friend.


Yeah. And you're like you bitch.


It's funny dude but do not call your fiancee a bitch. That will show that I'm friends. It will come back when one of my friends calls me a bitch. It's so funny, but I can't imagine my dude called me a bitch.


Wouldn't go my thing without those sort of like. Yeah, yes.


I think the going definition of bitch I would totally qualify. Yeah.


I don't think I'm a mean person, but I, I think based way that was.


Yeah. I totally missed that.


I was like thank you for agreeing with me that. Absolutely. I don't know that I have more questions for you.


I know I have to let you go, but tell me I want to hear about any celebrities you've been star struck by because I just am fascinated by that.


I, I feel like such celebrities now. It's so weird. Like I worked with DeNiro and it was.


So cool and I I'm a Robert De Niro fan, but after.


The first time I met him, he asked me to come visit him in New York to star in a movie with him, that movie that I ended up not getting because the studio wanted someone else and Zac Efron.


And it was dirty, grandpa. I think it was.


And he called me to New York to meet him. And he wasn't wearing shoes. In the middle of winter and I immediately was put to ease, I was like a meeting Robert De Niro got. This is insane. And then I met him and it was like, Bob, how are we doing?


You're barefooted. So we're basically together. I'm kind of like getting married. It is the most intimate thing a man can do.


Toenails is more intimate. I see a guy's dick before I see it, but he is he is like John in the way that if you are a funny person, he loves it.


So like, I'm not funny around him because I get too nervous. I'm always bombing.


Yeah, but I was the same thing that happened to De Niro that happened with John, that it was like the first time we had a real conversation.


And I'm actively going like, I can't make this fucker laugh.


And then it took like a few minutes and then all of a sudden he like and just like morphed into laughing Robert De Niro, which like doesn't emit sound just like makes the super De Niro face.


And Wiggles is just like that is an amazing impression. I used to nanny for him. She what I used to nanny for him.


And the first time I met him, they offered to fly me up to New York. And I go, oh, no, I've got Miles.


You know how to pay for that, which is the dumbest thing I've ever done. Yes. A billionaire.


You could afford it. I met him at his apartment and he.


No, but do you need to borrow some money or you want to fly me? No, I can I can handle it if you need to borrow any money to handle. And my parents are like, you don't even have any miles. These are my kids. They're also like it's an age thing. We have to fly. You stop.


You got to New York. Got two beautiful apartment. His kid wanted to play hide and seek. So five good.


You know, Emily signed the NDA is an honor. I did not I did not sign one for him. Oh good. So I met him five minutes later. I'm hiding under his bed with him from hiding from his son.


Well, I love that he's a fun dad. He was in pajamas. I was like, how did I feel like this was a girl? So I was like, oh, we're cutting this like and then I'm in bed with Robert DeNiro.


I'm like, oh, cut. I believe in God. I believe that's an insane story.


So you were put to ease right away, much like I wonder if you always wear shoes, but it's like I'm Robert De Niro.


This kid's going to be he's going to be uncomfortable around me quickly taking his shoes and socks off as I'm like coming up the stairs.


Oh, where do I put this? This is just gossip. I don't care. I was in a situation where tried to drive a car away.


By the way, there's such a huge part of me that wants to just knock over all of this stuff, which has a bed be like, oh, really?


I'm sure it is OK.


Yeah. You know, when you're like, yeah, do the. But let me get on it.


Yeah. No, that's a let clang clang clang.


Oh I hate it when you like do a bit and destroy something like. All right I guess I got. Yeah. So I'm to the mountains the minute where it's like well just in case I owe you a laptop and kind of OK.


Yeah. So if you just like you were on a story I go back to your story as a kid you venmo me for the I will never forget.


OK, I guess. Ah basically it's a lot of tangents. I'm like I'll be great at this but you have to get back on. Yeah. Getting back on.


That's the problem. Kevin, you're on set driving.


I never even told you what I'm talking. Kevin Costner, your hero said to me. No, this was Jon Voight, the Kevin Costner.


That's who I was star struck by.


You asked me thirty minutes ago. That's so weird. That's so weird. I just thought maybe that was this. Know what? We were just talking about this on the last because we were talking about who people say we look like.


You look like Kevin Costner.


No, people you know, many people have said I've had multiple people tell me I look like Kevin Costner, that that's like myself. I look like Kevin Smith. And then, huh, I did that face. It's not true.


It's not true. I don't see a lot of people have weak chins, big foreheads.


Oh, wait. Now I can see it this way.


You ask so much, you just go that you don't need be wearing one.


Well, I saw him at like another one of those Hollywood parties and I was truly starstruck. He's one of those.


He's like, oh, Richard Gere. Where you're just like like, well, but like he just looks like he's I feel like Robert De Niro does.


He is obviously one of the most famous actors of all time, but he's done comedies.


So there's more accessible when people have done comedies. Yes. I feel like he's been he's been funny in movies. Kevin Costner has never been funny. He's always just the coolest motherfucker you've ever seen. He's usually like from like 1840, you know what I mean?


Like, he's like he just is like also like Wyatt Earp. He's always.


Yeah. In like a petticoat. Yeah, for sure. Like here in 19 or twenty seventeen, when I saw him, every time I see him in a movie, he's like won a Purple Heart in a war. So every time I see him, I'm like, oh, sir, thank you.


Yes. Thank you for your service. You know, that's when that's when actors like I think they didn't really choose this but were so much larger than life because you knew nothing about them yet.


So if there were war, general, you'd see Mel Gibson would be like, oh my God, it's it's Braveheart.


You thought you are William Wallace.


Exactly. And that's not you can't do that anymore. You know what they do?


They think that I'm Adam Demand from workaholics and they're like, Chuck this. And I do and you do every time and and I can't stop and I've had Soroses for the last year, but that doesn't mean who cares the fans and the fans want and I'm going to deliver.


Yeah, we should stop bringing Atom shots, guys, please. Especially in a pandemic.


Yeah. It hasn't happened for a long time to get sober. I think it's over for five years now and it's not going to work because the shots come.


There's a lot of comics that like our are like elders who I feel like there was such a big fan sending alcohol culture and they try to get sober and the fans would still send them.


And you have to tell the waitresses, bring apple juice and I'll pretend to it's just was like it's you know why I've done that before where like I just I want them to I want to have the fan be like I bought him a drink, but I don't want to drink thirty five drinks.


So I will be like, hey, if they send me a gig or Maistre bring me Coke and then they do.


And then from across the bar I'm like the double go, I'm so good at it.


And then why is he talking for a full hour. That's why I was so shocked when we talked for an hour.


I didn't drink any of the drinks you gave me. That's why I'm so happy.


I can remember I lied to you. That's why. Yeah. That's so funny.


OK, so where is your podcast. Is it on all platforms.


It on stitcher. Yeah. Stitchers. What is it. Sure. We actually own stitcher. Oh yeah. A lot of people don't know that.


And I and go to the website stitcher and share our machine. I have no idea what stitchers. This is a podcast network isn't it. Hey. Seems real. There's so many of them.


No I'll get a thing that's like please say it's on iTunes, Spotify, Stitcher. They're on Amazon now.


So who are these fucking idiots that can't find every time you know where to go from there? It's not up on. I refresh your you have shitty Wi-Fi, you're stealing wi fi from your neighbor. This is the people that are like working on listen to it.


And I'm like, literally, if you can listen to podcasts, if you can send me this comment, you can find this, you'll be able to find it so easy in the amount of time you reached out to a celebrity.


You that's not going to get that's also another thing offline.


We're like I, I think we're pretty relatively close in age and I think we're in love. Oh.


To say no, no, not placating me. Yeah. It's awkward.


No I just no I think we're similar in age.


So I think we remember a time that you couldn't just like I would never just reach out to Adam Sandler and be like, hey, so I can't find Billy Madison on TV right now.


So where is it airing on Comedy Central? If you just. Yeah, how do I see he's the star. Yeah. How do how do I see Mr. Deeds.


Hey, hey, hey, Adam. Your movies in theaters this weekend. Can you pick me up and drive me to watch it with.


Why is he so awesome. If you could just go get a chicken parmesan sandwich.


You know, my job is done. It's now everyone else's job to make sure you see this and it's your job to click on. My job's done. It's so bizarre. If anyone had said to me, being a comedian, it's like the best of you to get up and you to be funny and it's the best thing in the world. And you also every fan, you have to teach them how to work their computers.


And by the way, phone, every time they come with a photo, they all of a sudden are like and I'm like, I know you know how to use this.


Well, the thing is, is I feel because I like doing meet and greets because I like to I like to meet the people, you know, like my shirt. So but you're right about the phone thing.


I feel like we're never going to get to do that again because you also I take their phone only 10 percent of the time and I'm like where I have my buddy who like knows how to work phones.


And it's like, yup.


And we did. I took a lot because I think they it's like it's always like I have a system down where I'll just say everyone will put it in cell feet, not the wall using it. Yeah. Put it in selfie when you come up just do it and selfie and I'll find it. Yeah.


Because they take everyone's phone and just do it myself. But now I'm like I don't want to touch one hundred dirty fans phones. You only get one hundred people to your shows.


No I cap it off like you're doing. Oh yeah. Also they're all night. So what do you, how do you, how do you. You only saw the hundred mean you sell them. Yeah.


Yeah well I like them so it's been so long since any of us have toward.


By the way, I kind of got lucky you have a smart guy doing sides, Lord Jesus, why do you need money so much?


I love the sparkling classic gold of good mikucki all put it to the camera is the other wacky guy.


Cannes is the only brand you can say your agents are like, let's find a company, we want to invest some of his money. Is there anything he can pronounce? Let's see. And this is Easter Peach.


No, that's too hard for him. Is it Presti? OK. No, just we got to find him something that he'll be able to see in.


Can this is it? We've got it. He thinks the word can spell to end this. That's exactly how you spell it, correct?


I that you came in the branding meeting and it was just the ad and you're like, yeah, we'll at an end. So it spells can.


And they're like, exactly like cannabis. It's genius. Like what?


And they're like, dude, we all the words so little because it's like the new Toys R US like r backwards. You the investor didn't read and we just you know, all kids are stupid.


Right. Let's make them stupider. Yes. Yes. Jeff, let me just let you use the.


Good. Good.


And what's your mascot. I don't know. Like a dumb ass animal. Like a giraffe on on skates or something. Something stupid like that.


Yes. Yes. Because if worst Watergate, they would break their legs. They would break their legs. Jeff, that's hilarious.


God damn your genius, Jeff Disney. And that's where he started out. And and that concludes our audition for the Mad Men remote.


And I watched you I watched Mad Men in and I watch a lot of TV and I watch my men. And I was like, it would be so fun to just be like the dumb guy who was a genius in the marketing.


Yeah. Who's just like, I don't know, it just a give like the perfect pitch.


And Don Draper is like, Hey Tim. And it's like, well he did it again.


And it's someone who's like, dumb enough to be really smart. A guy who just like dumb Goldfine. I don't know. I feel like it should be a giraffe with with roller skates.


That funny. Like, everyone's just like so good.


He's so dumb that he came up with the because he knows what just works, you know, what should we do.


Nike. These are athletes. We need them to. Oh no. They should just do it. Do what. Just do it.


Oh OK.


No that actually works.


So we might have the draft in which are our logo being like fuck makes me go zoom made.


You want to do something. No, I feel like doing something.


Oh you should just do it.


Don Draper's like sick holding his glass of whiskey like ninety documents we work out he did it again.


This a good kid. So it is weirdly hard, like last thing I'll say, and we have to go, I know, but he's like you, I'm going to piss solid.


So I think it's funny, but it's going to come out thick.


OK, let's go. We'll do this. We'll do everything I have to be doing. I'm starting to do this on my show. Yeah.


You're also grabbing your crotch like a little girl. You're holding it in. You made me laugh.


I almost beat myself up on something. I literally felt myself almost like I have a fistula now. All right. I love you. We had these very awkwardly. I love it.


Stitches stitcher. I don't even say podcast is called What was it?


This is dangerous because this is important.


I like that you wink the eye away from the kid.


Yeah, I'm, I'm good at Hollywood stuff.


I that's that's a thing that happens when you first are getting jobs and you have no clue what you're doing.


I was so worried about the the first real thing I got was on this show called Samantha, who with Christina Applegate.


And I played like her assistant. Yeah, it was awesome.


And she I was so cognizant about, like, not staring right into camera that I was trying to like it's a still a sitcom like you are playing to camera like you are opened up to camera.


Camera, right. Yeah. So I didn't.


And then finally the director had to come over and be like, find the lens because I'm just like, so you know, Christina, I was having coffee.


I know right now you're doing this bit, please. Here you go. Learn anything.


I mean, and they're like, we're over here shooting. You're doing the bed. Find this like that to me again.


This is I brought these for you. That is the worst because it's like you just kind of don't know.


And then but you're pretending you do like I'm an actress. I'm gonna pretend like I know what the fuck I'm doing around here.


I got cut out of About Schmidt. They shot it in talking with Jack Nicholson when I was a kid.


They shot in Omaha, Nebraska, because Alexander Payne shoots most of his movies in Omaha because he's from there.


And I was working at the grocery store.


That first movie was an Alexander Payne movie, Extra. I'm not in the movie. And they asked me because I'm working at the grocery store to stock shelves in the background.


But all I've heard from Hollywood is like, find the lens. Like, you got to make sure that they can see you.


So I was stocking shelves like this. I was like I was like, yeah, they got cut in there like, oh, hey, everyone in the background not calling me.


I like this sign on the shelves. You know how you do. You know how you know how you do. You know, I just like fucking God.


And they were like, so hey, so this isn't Jack Nicholson.


He's just a guy getting milk. You you're just stocking shelves. He's speaking to everyone as if they're all the only ones stocking shelves and they notice my stocking shelves.


And then and then I did it again. And then they're like, OK, cut.


Oh, actually you're going to be sucking controls over here.


And I'm like, I've been spotted.


And then they just made me stock at the moment when, like Rosario Dawson talks about her talent agent spotted her in New York stoop.


Yeah. Nicholson just goes, he's got something. I don't know. I've never seen any on stock shelves like the book.


But it's so hard because it's like in the beginning you're trying to make your mark and you only have two lines. And I'm going to make these two lines memorable and you walk in and make some ridiculous.


You'll say this the first who was on the show recently, who said they saw me and that TV show half and half. This is my first job I ever did know who it was. It was a sitcom that was on was it like a black guy and a white guy?


And they called it half and half. No, no. That was a show called Mellado. You know, this was what was it about? Why was it called half and half? I didn't think about that.


And there has to be some black women.


Remember, it was like it was Rachel. True. My scene was with Rachel. True. You were in the spot, right? Yes. My first audition ever in this, I got Taft Hartley knives.


Oh. Why are you obsessed with me?


You pay me. Yeah.


And I went to the audition. I was like, I'm going to really stand out. Right. It's two lines, whatever. And in the scenes, your bathroom and I didn't know anything about and I wore a bathrobe with nothing under it to the audition.


I showed up, you know, in I audition like ten rolls that are two lines. There's one.


The people there, yeah, it was a ton of people, me in a bathrobe and Ben Gleib and a police officer not to Communion's wedding, like put on the outfit because we were like, no idea.


No idea.


And also so desperate to make it. That was the worst.


I don't know if you ever went on like commercial auditions, but I did a lot at especially at the very beginning.


And and then you just walk in and you look around and you find everyone that just looks identical to you.


It's like bizarro you. Yeah. Just like it's just like the more handsome version of you.


And you're like, yeah, go over there. Or it's just like they're just like big, fat, burly guys.


You're like, this is I'm from this group. Are we sure.


Oh, OK. And what do you know what did you say to the agents to get us all good.


Did we say obese in the.


Is this not a protein powder. Why would I be called in for icy. It's so fucking you find out.


I know for me when I used to always go to commercial stations, I'd walk in and find out how I was perceived for sure I would go in. And because there are so many people and then you walk in and then it's the actor that got the job like screen testing with you in the actions of like, oh, non annoying wife nagging you about the stains.


Like it was just something where I was just like annoying girlfriend, wife.


And you're like grass stains again. Really. And then they're like, no, we don't buy this, no one ever did marry her, and then I did not go commercial distance, I just come off too sarcastic. People think I'm being sarcastic and shitty even when I'm being sincere.


I love having you on. It's so good. And they're like, yeah, but you actually do like, why are you being an asshole? I know. I know. I do. What's your problem.


Yeah, you're you're like my great karkoc. I have to pee. I love it. We're not making me laugh. We're not. All right. Elephants. I love you guys. This is you definitely win for most beverages of any guests and you also win for guests accidentally.


Shit my hand and you win for guests.


That ruined my plumbing the hardest. What's my window? Workaholics podcast. This is important. That's the name of the podcast.


That's a big and it isn't.


Listen. For.