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Three or four.


OK, so we have cagy David on the podcast, Kansi, I almost don't want to say she's Larry David's daughter because she said it.


I did it, but who cares?


Everyone, someone's daughter, Davidson, OK, like she's trying to get away from that.


We I David said someone's daughter, I, I spent the entire time, like, bullying her into not being letting bullying, letting herself bully herself, making herself.


If it's just it's a while. It's good bully circle. It's a it's a real Chinese finger. No one's going to bully her. It'll be it's going to be me with you. Stop it. Oh no.


We have not been doing open super consistently and we are sorry. For all of it, let's do some New Year's resolutions. Oh, it's almost New Year's. Isn't that exciting?


What do you normally do on New Year's, like in the stand up comedy for like random like corporate parties?


Do you talk to people there or do you just do that leave? Sometimes I'll do like selfies and it's usually like a weird hotel room.


Do you kiss them at midnight?


If that's part of the great insight into the contract? Yeah, it's just kind of like, OK, like that.


Usually they want the comedy show than a kissing, but usually they want me to like, flick off the camera, like grab their boob wife's boobs or do a thing or and I'm always like, can we just do a photo or people are crazy either while they're drunk.


And it's in some weird hotel room alone in Kansas City, Missouri, and it's a bunch of rich people that just don't really want to hear. They're like, well, just me.


And I'm like, you know what, that well, that's fine. I'm going to ruin your marriage if I do that. Have you done that, ruined marriages at corporate events? Don't think so. Also cost extra maybe at the breast cancer treatment. Vilardi? I don't think I ruined that marriage, but I have some hard core New Year's resolutions I want to focus on.


That are very specific, I don't like general anything, I'm going to eat healthier, that's not a that actually causes more anxiety because you don't have a goal.


To me, there's no way to prove that you met your goal and you're just panicking and worrying.


And that causes stress. You're always going to fail. You're going to disappoint.


Stress kills you. Yes, sir. That's a generalization. But yes, the release of cortisol does to generate collagen.


Now, which one do you think people understood stress kills?


Were that your mice subtitle are your my what is it. Sign language link to the outside world.


OK, first New Year's resolution for me. I would like. Well this is for other people.


OK, this is in new fashion. These are actually for you guys. These are notes on other people. But I would like to do they're always for me because when something bothers us about something else, it's usually mirroring or showing us something about ourselves we don't like.


That is spooky. Also, I don't know how true that is, but it's very true. I hope not.


That is, I don't want to ask someone a question. That makes them have to ask more questions back a question should not give me work. So if you say, hey, want to get lunch? I have to go when where? What time I see I see a complete cutting out conversation cut out the fat in the rigamarole in the back and forth.


Would you like to get lunch with me this Thursday at two p.m. at this location, first in Walnut, then they can tell you yes or no and there's no and that's two that's three texts instead of 40.


Yeah. And then you can move on to something else. Yes.


I'm giving you the gift of your time gift that I'm going to steal your life with my vague questions.


Didn't see that clip, what clip? Send it email me the email, I've got so many clips. Watch clip. Did you see that email, what you email out of the eighty thousand. Some more specificity. You see the email from the Sandy and marketing about the blue hoodie.


Yeah, you just want to be very specific. Use your words, complete sentences.


That's what you're I think that's an easy goal for everyone.


I mean, I to train all of our brains to do that. So now you guys have your resolution. You're welcome. The thing you tuned in, what I want to talk when?


Right now. Now that I've said now.


Good. FaceTime or just be specific. Just call you, call you up blind call vagueness is the enemy of happiness. I said it.


Vagueness is the enemy of happiness. Being vague. I could see that I could see how that would work, because you don't know what you're going for, what you're looking for, what anyone is doing. Yeah, you're you're just making up your own factual guesses, projecting into assumptions, a lie just assumed.


Why are you assuming. You assumed so I just assumed literally I just assumed you'd be like on your way home from work. How do you know when I got off work?


Find your phone.


I'm tracking your location. I know, honestly, when the neural link and the Lex Friedman, Joe Rogan, all the Elon Musk, what all the NewLink happens there.


You'll thank me later. That's my brand. You'll thank me later.


Trouble on Instagram or the World Wide Web, because I read the clip with Allison Aubrey where she said she didn't want to go to that.


She went to that party and I was like, don't go to party.


You don't want to go to again. The she was like, you're elitist. What was it? I didn't read that.


But I do know that which I don't have good manners. Yeah. I mean, well, you know, I always go back and forth about that. I think that sometimes self care can lead into being selfish. I think that's what Alison was saying. Yeah, she did it because it's like sometimes you do things people you love.


I think if you just by case basis and you can't generalize because that's my other New Year's resolution is generalised. If it's a wedding and someone spent money on, you get their.


If someone paid for that plate, you better show up, but dragging yourself across town to a party that you don't want to go to when your kid's sick and it's a hassle for you and a hassle for them to show up and bring your bad energy in and then resent them later. Yeah, I love you so much. Please don't come to my party.


Yeah, I think you are there. Yeah. It's why they don't understand what we're talking very much about. Like, I think a lot of people just like think you you do things for people that you love him don't want to do it.


Yeah. But also it's very.


What's your center to be like if I don't go to this party, it'll be ruined. If I don't go to the party, it'll be the worst time and I have to go there. Want to be there.


What's the entire party. Cancel it without you. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. So it's like both sides are it's like, yeah, I know.


It's I was vague. How about that? I was vague and vagueness is the enemy.


You were talking about something you've already mastered and people don't understand. Words are in perfect communication, but that's OK. I mean, we're generalizing anything to get it now and oh don't I. Many years resolution is to not ask people things that I can Google. Oh, wow, that's so most things, so, hey, you're really cutting out conversation the new year, you just heard actual resolutions not speak to anyone. I want you to stop talking to her and she'd like to quit talking to you.


That's the real resolution now.


No, I just want to go. Oh, I want to eat at the farm grill. Then text me. Where's that? I could have Google that, why did I just create work for you? Oh, wow. Yeah, you could have Googled that. That is true. To be fair, I wouldn't have been upset if you asked.


I know, but it's it's it's we need to evolve past creating work for the person that is inviting us to do something.


Do you think everybody thinks that's work? And that's why that's like you think that you feel like if someone does that to you, does it feel like work?


No. A friend of mine a couple of years ago, I didn't get it. She was like, meet me at the HP Marketplace. And I was like, where is that? And she wrote Google it.


And it's like hurt my feelings.


And then like two years later, I was like, bitch, you should have just fucking Google that. I yeah, I could see both sides. It hurt my feelings, but y y you're not Geeves no one is now and I think that's gone.


I don't think there is a Geeves MapQuest Michael Richards MapQuest used to. What do you so uses MapQuest. We have to MapQuest everywhere we go just by way more. Yeah. And we printed off and put in your document.


I like a piece of paper. We actually create an actual map room and we just and we, and we take a string and we get to each hotel and we just put the points on the board. I do carry a it's a foldout.


I do carry a calendar, a paper calc desk calendar, like a travel calendar, like a full calendar notes on to cover.


That is true.


That is true. That with Dr. David Agus, the great Dr. David Agus, who is a guest on our podcast, went into his gorgeous facility, had to go into an elevator alone because of covid.


They had to let me in. It was like this.


I felt like I was going into like the only elevator I want to be alone Pentagon. I go in, I got my blood, my panels, my blood's taken and my panels and my genetic everything. And he said, you need to be going to bed at the same time every night and waking up at the same time every morning. That's Monagle. And that's when your resolution that is a tough one does. That's why the hardest one doesn't matter what time it is, just pick one 12:00 p.m. to seven thirty nine, 12, 30 to 10, whatever it is, 10 to five.




And just for general health, or is there a reason he told you. Yes.


Because of your getting your circadian rhythm in check. I know Dr. Ainger, Huberman talks about this on his Instagram page about just pick the time and stick to it so that your body can get Delta and REM sleep.


Hmm. Hmm. That sounds very difficult. I'll be honest. That is a piece of medical advice that I want to give everyone for free. A saint, a saint who can play in when they're going to go to bat, I don't know, set an alarm to go to sleep.


There is one on your iPhone. You can do that.


And he we do the band and but we also do the ordering. Oh, you are a that's coming, right? Yes. I mean, oh, you are a ring which tells you how you're sleeping. And if you have so much information on your sleeve, I know if you have two glasses of wine going to be worth and you wake up if you have carbs at night, is that worse? Like just figure out what works for you. Bad day.




Wonder. I'm excited to see that one if you can do that. That's seems so difficult.


Do you think me making a stop apologizing mandate to the women that I work with is bullying or abuse a mandate?


I believe telling anyone to do anything is kind of rude.


Well, not that I'm have a problem, but like if we're getting a ring for that, too, I'll tell you every time.




So, like, there's going to be a couple other women working here next year if they apologize and they've done nothing wrong.


What do I do, make them do 10 pushups.


Yeah. That, that would go over really well. I think I can see that Naparstek. Yeah.


I would like you to stop but I'm not going to we're different people and I get to do this.


Are we though. I don't know what to do. I don't know. My my gut is just, you know. I don't know. I don't know.


What would you what would you do if I told you if you apologize and I said stop apologizing, how would you feel?


I think if I would. Sorry. And you just went you did nothing wrong. For what it's a matter of rewiring our brains, it's just practice.


It's like anything, it's like it's like when you you know, you move to a new apartment and you for the first couple of months, keep driving to the old apartment. When you're on your phone, you just automatically drive the old it's like habit.


Yeah, yeah. I know the habit. What did you do? I guess you'd be breaking a habit, you know, work the emotion out of it.


You could take a vacation day each time. I apologize. Every time you apologize, you just take a vacation day, it's one day unless you get off or give me a penny, a dollar a quarter in a jar, you're going to give them a dollar every time. I'll donate it. Not be reason to apologize. But I'm I'll make them give you a dollar.




Oh, and then tell them. But I'll give it all back to them at the end of the year.


They're going to know now. They don't listen to me.


I guess they're not great employees then. So let's rethink the whole situation here.


I also am, as you've noticed, trying to develop a better relationship with music in terms of my mood.


So I'm trying to always I got this little necklace. If you're listening, you can't see it.


It's a necklace broke it immediately broke it literally on a necklace.


And it is like a super helpful when I play music that is nostalgic and heartwarming to put me in a yummy mood, positive mood. And I make playlists based on the mood I want to be in and not as a form of self care.


Yeah, I think I think that's that's really I mean, a lot of people do that. So I think you're catching up.


Yeah. Music guys, have you heard there's a whole tab on Spotify? You know, but I think some you know what I'm saying, but I can't. But no, you are the only person that knows the songs that your power songs. You only know your power songs. Yeah. What's your like you're on a run and like.


Yeah, well this didn't work out because I've never been on a run, so I'm sitting on my couch. What song. We is going to put you in a good mood.


Go right now you're yelling. I can't think. Now if I write off top of my head right now, I would probably play waiting for tonight.


Oh, but in my head, not like having that first thing in the morning, playing it or anything with that new Miley Cyrus album. It's the best time I've heard in years. Really? Yeah, every song.


Great. Great. Such a fan.


So this she's like the wind. We're going to get copyright on YouTube, Bobby. Sue me. OK, sorry, Kelmscott. She's like the wind, it's a dirty dancing remix, like I love a remake.


It's just a it's just my song and I play it. Put it on as soon as I wake up. And it's I'm very since the other song.


Whitney loves that higher song with Whitney Houston because it goes bap bap bap bap bap bap bap bap. But that was an almost completely accurate impression.


Did I plagiarize Whitney Houston by accident? You sound just like the fact that she died in a bathtub.


OK, well, is so took a turn. Tragic. And you know how much I love this.


Is that my fate, to die in a bathtub? How do you think I'm gonna die?


Oh, it would definitely be at the hands of someone else. Who does you?


I mean, that's a statement with a statement that was I didn't say me into someone else who killing me was going to kill me. Probably don't think.


No, I'm to try to make it interesting. I don't really know how you're going to die. I think I'm going to hit my head on like a saddle in a barn and I won't be able to get up. Which is why you don't like sandals, use them, you know, you know, like I'm going to do I'm going to be I'm going to like this is a morbid question. I don't what to think about this revolution, how you're going to die.


But I'm just saying it's an interesting place to go. I think about death too much. How?


Like you're going to die. Tick tock, tick. Making a tick tock.


No, I. I think I'm going to die like trying to clean what would change this mood playlist.


This what's happening right now.


Why isn't this why is it so good for you.


How are you going to die. You guys are. Think about dying. The interesting thing. OK, come here to think about dying and that also blue like glasses.


My other news resolution is I want to wear the blue light glasses more consistently because we are on screens, people. So I'm going to be on screens less. That's not going to happen.


So you just want everything, just wear the blue like glasses to be more consistent, more consistent, more concise and concise.


Complete sentences. Be specific, less chaos. No, I love I love me some chaos. I love good cars, healthy chaos, health. OK. Oh, words.


I also want to stop exaggerating. In generalizing, so, you know, I like use your words, so instead of saying that's not healthy, you say that's not helpful. Don't overplay what is it? So what you're this relationship that you texting a million times, that's not healthy or healthy?


I think it's the same thing. I think that's helpful to know. I did. I know that's unhealthy. You want to say that's not helpful?


Helpful. Oh, OK. Healthy instead of helpful. That's not helpful. George Davis and then the and then that will make the other person readjust what they said. So you and myself, why am I billing myself?


That's unhealthy. We're going to talk to yourself different, too. OK, OK. That starts with you. Really. And yeah.


So I just want to say that's a hard one, too. But that was a sleeping in the not generalizing is a really difficult one for me.


I think everyone stop saying everyone everyone on Twitter wants to cancel David Sedaris, everyone.


Everyone nobody liked my tweet, nobody a better thing to say would be there are let me if only there was a machine that could tell us exactly the data.


Oh, look, four hundred and twenty two people commented on. This situation and all of that, if I want to go to the whole of that. 30 hour bots of that 50 hour follow, Alex Jones. Let you gentlemen give me the specifics, I want data and I want it now. Everyone hates me, everyone hates you. That's pretty narcissistic, get sent a group text. What you get back feelings are facts. Feelings aren't facts.


What are your New Year's resolutions?


Resolutions are well, first of all, I would like to give the key to a city and then I want to lose the keys so much that they have to give me a big keychain. Was that reliable? I will lose my first one.


I want to lose it. I want to call the mayor so much. But do you want to give me a big keychain with my big key to the city?


That seems fair. The governor emailed me. It was it. Course, Gavin.


Gavin Newsom will just say his name. Yeah, sure.


Whatever his job is, he emailed you. So I would like that. I would like to be right more or less be right more often, which I think is just about confidence. So I'm going to work on that.


I would like to be a victim.


I would like to be a victim. I would like to stop being so strong and brave. I would like to be simple. I would like people to sympathize with me. I would like to post about it on all social media platforms. I would like to get the attention that I deserve from my victimhood.


I think you get a lot of attention.


I think that and it's become, by the way, like every celebrity's favorite celebrity people come in, Kesha, Hilary Duff, all the correspondents pension likes freedom of expression.


You're taking a picture with painted like Jesus Christ.


And see, I would like to be a victim. I think that's the next step in.


When I want out of life, I should bullimore more would be really hard. What else do I want to do? I think I would like to. And then right after that, I want to bring peace to the Internet because, you know, give and take. I think I owe them something back. I'd like to fix the Internet.


I would like to. I would like to. Oh, I want to write a New York Times best selling book. And then I want to change all my social media bios to New York Times best selling author with no other information.


Not knowing the title of the New York Times list is like Albert. I would like for other people to stop to stop shooting down all my dreams. That's a resolution. I mean, I'm sorry, but you're missing the point. I get it.


I want to change all my social media bias to just tell you that when I am with no other information, OK, I don't want to say with name the book.


I wrote one New York Times bestseller. I don't want to tell you where you can buy the book. I just want you to know that I achieved something and you did it. That's pretty much what I want from that. Oh, I'd like to write a scripted show and then sell it. And then we told them to forget to play the lead.


That seems fun, different or never experience that or do what happened to me, which is get rich and successful and famous.


It's not really my resolution. I had a different plan.


No, I saw on there used to be these things called breakdowns, which were a dish.


I've seen them for actors, not nervous ones or emotionalize.


This was like the breakdown services and would say all the like roles that were available to actors.


And there was one that was a Whitney Cummings type. We're looking for Whitney Cummings type. And I asked audition. They said, no, thank you.


You're rejected by yourself. They want a Whitney Cummings type. They rejected you for you see, that's a resolution.


I like an. I just I wanted to pick really achievable resolutions this year, and I think I achieved that. And how long do you leave Pay-out? How long do you leave power more specific on what type of high? Oh, thank you. You're helping me by year's resolution. So I get an apple pie. I eat a piece in my day.


We put them on the fucking stove and they sit there for two weeks and people walk by and they take bites out of them.


How long can a pie keep out in the open like that?


I mean I mean, most people I think either pies right away, they eat them, they give them to other people to eat slices. But I would say probably a couple of days out like that. I know if you're in the refrigerator, fruit pies can last to about two weeks, I think.


Oh, wow. Because of the sugar or because they're in the refrigerator and they're not like warm and heating.


Anything sitting in the open like that I think is not good.


Probably. Why don't guys know that? Women have different kinds of genes. As in like colors or for different occasions or for different occasions, no, because that is everyone should have different names for different occasions.


I have to I had to pack for something and I was like. Lover, please pack me some jeans, brings over my jeans, and I'm like, these aren't going out jeans, these are horse jeans, these are the barn jeans. Right. How do you know women have burned jeans, horse? Maybe your lover where one pair of jeans only on one pair. So that isn't it. So that's like chocolates in the freezer. Yeah. A lot of red flags.


Do you put your jeans in the freezer?


No, we don't. We don't want them. And I do not do that. But I told you why.


So there's going out jeans, there's work jeans, there's family fun day jeans.


There's chores, jeans and chores. You do your chores and jeans. Yeah.


Give me pocket's. What kind of chore requires that I would be in sweatpants and fanny pack? These are creating full looks for chores and then I put on my cape because I have my scissors, my cumberbund, you're wearing a full utility bill, you have my monocle.


I think you're just dressing for a job as a handyman.


No, I just go in the YMCA, the jean with a little the hammer, the hammer, a little attachment.


But if you're doing chores, you need your scissors, your Swiss Army knife to only your duct tape and your lighter.


What kind of chores are these? Why you did not do chores as a kid vacuumed? I we did the yard never required weed whacker. And we did. We did. We did. That's what they're called Weezer's. But we ah we needed edar what do you call them. A weed whacker.


Both have a speech impediment, weed whacker. You call them a weed whacker. It was a weed whacker. Was when you jerking the weeds off. What are you talking about. The weed eater. You cut them, it's killing them.


I didn't ask their consent. This is crazy. A weed whacker. Yes. Or you just weed them.


You pull weed weeding.


It's different. There's a spray respiring. This is not the point. Different genes for different occasions. I think people know that because I think most people just I mean, no, I agree with you. Both people have different for different occasions.


I started to think that. But there's there's going out genes. You got your black genes, your black pants. Every woman has their black pants are good pair of going out pants.


Yeah, they're they're they're welcome to welcome.


We're clubbing pants. Clubbing pants. You're wearing pants at the club is always the black pants from Bisson. I had a court case at nine but I'm got to play in a club at ten. Yes. That is not a says.


Give me my Charlie girl. What is that. Brazil.


What's the Brazil bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum spraying Brazilian crashes.


Are we even speaking English. Yeah, we are. I know what you mean. Brazilian cries are we over gifting?


I'm really anxious about gifting.


I cannot believe that you wear pants to a club always. That is the funniest thing I've ever heard in that little purse.


Yeah. Oh, I'll get you the clubs. Every woman has their golf club club I put on my gaucho.


You're good. Top in your black pants then zip.


Right. You watch too much Sex in the City.


No, I dress as Miranda Dad. No, the black pants. Bebe Minka Kelly. Why are you with me on the black pants. I don't think that it's the Steedman boots, the Alvo boot and the black pants.


And like the top, you had your top from Express Limited Express to. Oh, my God. No, that's not that's not the visual that I'm seeing my female friends hard and be Agnese be like the top.


You had your top, your bright blue top.


Are you sure you're not just getting dressed to go with primary colors and express their music is always blaring. Remember, Abercrombie Fitch is blaring club music. I remember Abercrombie.


Yes, I do.


You walk and you smell like it's like there's two shirtless models on the wall. Oh, do you know why? No, no. I was an Abercrombie and Fitch.


You know that if you work on this is this is gosh, I love retail gossip.


You know that if you work on the floor and Abercrombie and Fitch or show you're called a model. No.


And if you work in the back and you're like, oh yeah, they're hiring models and model. Yeah. And they have to there have to be a certain quota, a type.


This guy is done now in twenty twenty surely to God there's no way that the shirtless teenagers are still like dry humping each other in the Abercrombie ads. Oh yeah. That's still happening for sure. And then the tank tops are sixty four dollars.


Yeah. And cargo shorts. The booty cargo. Sure. You know, same company that owns Hollister and Abercrombie owns our Navy. So what does that tell you. I know.


Why haven't you ever gotten Old Navy ad also you're not coming up and I got an old Navy.


You commenting on my earrings because I'm trying to ignore their Christmas tree rings. I know. I see them. I can't miss. I'm so jealous. I am not jealous of that.


We do have you have a very odd opinion on what I like and dislike.


I think when you speak about resentments, do you have any resentments we need to release for the New Year so that we don't have to carry around resentments, drinking poison, waiting for the other person to die?


Yuck. Yeah, I mean, I all release resentment. I do. But I think if we did if we did resolutions for the next year, we should do things that we're not proud of. We did this year. Don't you proud of?


I don't believe in regrets. I believe in things I would have handled differently, things I would have handled differently, things I'm not proud of. I have a couple of those.


I was with the one Paris Hilton never heard of her doing. I've heard of her for on Netflix. And the director came out and there's a, you know, slow motion, amazing DP and they're doing MO and I hear music playing.


And if it's slow motion, you can't really on slow mo it in post production. This is Director Virgo Brain and they're playing music and you can't. So music is playing and you're filming something that's going to go on television. It's not usable footage because you'd have to clear that song and it's like a Nicki Minaj song. And I know that costs like, you know, hundred grand as it should. You're not going to have a clear you got to pay it.


The songwriter. You got to pay Nicki, you got to pay Universal. You got to pay.


You got to pay people. Turns out it turns out so you can't clear it. So I hear music playing and Paris Hilton and Nicki Glazer's there and they're talking and telling these amazing stories and being super funny.


And I'm like, there's music playing.


We can't use this footage. What do we turn off the music? And I'm in the show and I start directing and I override the director. And it's I will act shocked.


I know. And I take over and I think I'm helping, but I'm being insulting. It's insulting and it's rude. I was right on some level, but it was bad manners and it was disrespectful to her. And I just wanted so badly to get for her to get the footage, to make the show good.


And I think a lot of people are, you know, trepidations to walk up to me and Paris Hilton and, you know, Madison and Nikki Glaser and saying, like, can you guy directing us, you know, that I was trying to help and I embarrassed. I think I. In fact, for sure, yeah, and then I apologize afterwards to her profusely, and she's like Whitney, we've met five times.


You're wise like I've been through this. She's like, you're why? I'm in a 12 step program. I was like, thank you. She's like, I'm out with you a lot. That was like.


And then she was like, No, no, I drink now. You're not hearing me. You're the reason I go to a concert program. I don't think you're listening with me, huh? The mask, in fact, I just lost my chance to make this. I just ate my chip by over hoping I choke on it. Overeaters, it is a midget. I know your earrings caught the light.


They are going to affect lay. So you so you wish you would have done that. I wish, yeah. Like I forgive myself. That was a resentment that I held against myself and I have some resentment to the news media for the click baity shit and blowing things out of proportion, unnecessarily ruining people's lives and presenting things that aren't true just to make money and humiliating people.


And so for news, I'm just going to follow Jessica Yellin and Dr. David Agus, Jessica Yellin, she knows and all 20/20 is the news.


Like, that's where I go truly. Now I go to Fox, I can't do CNN. I can't see it, but I kind of.


I don't know until you mean, like, real news.


I don't like Hollywood person to tell me that Fox does a good job of deconstructing the news sometimes.


But yeah, I just want to be able to learn. I don't want to get bitter from you.


So you weren't talking about, like Hollywood news.


You're not my real name, but I was resentful towards the fact that I'm like how I wake up every morning.


I'm like I every new sites has to be different. This is fucking ridiculous. And why why are the boots that I tried to order two days ago on the side of the fucking wall?


You'll go enjoy the information more if you're happy. Management purchase.


No, but I didn't want I'll I'll agree with this if I have my boots on. Turns out I think it was an inside job.


I was going to fucking buy those. I didn't want to buy the boots. And now the boots are following me across every website. And I'm trying to learn about covid. Yeah. Buy these boots.


It's all fake. Yes. I like the like I just want what, like a new look at the laundry. So what is your resentment. Well, at least release resentment so they don't crystalise.


I mean, I'm super resentful that I had to tell everyone that I was a sweet boy and they didn't know already. I mean, I literally am a non-sexual cherub. Like, I couldn't be any more cute or adorable. I don't know why I had to say that. I don't think anyone disagrees with you. I don't know why I used to tell it.


I think you're that's and, you know, it feels like it's my resentment or it's my thing I wish I would have done differently. OK, release. Yeah, it's gone now for everyone else. Everyone's forget it. Merche, you know, I've also made some pretty poor dinner choices.


Like I, I get on Doordarshan or stuff and I'm not in to order and I think the wrong thing and then I get it and then it's just, it's disappointing and I shouldn't be doing better choice.


Now this is my real life.


Me, this is how I live. We're not fake. I used to sponsor oh I'm not really thrilled with some of my looks.


I we're on the show. OK, there's some there's some footage of me on here. I would have I would have done some things different. That's everyone. Well, forgive you. I wasn't doing serious ones either.


Jokes we could Photoshop them out. Yes. I need the editors to go back and every every episode and put me on new clothes. Deep fake, like one of those dolls. But thanks. Yeah, that's what I want. In fact, just make me Scarlett Johansson.


She can play anyone. She can play me. I think that's pretty much most of mine. Yeah.


Most of the things I wish I would have done differently than are hilarious moving forward. Is there anything you want me to do differently? Well, we should talk about it here. I need to work on myself first and then taking all my time, taking up so much of my time. You think you have it together and then you find out.


So Casey David, her book, if you are a young man or if you have found your resentments, you never tell me your resentment.


I told you the news. Oh, I thought we were doing things for proud of you already went to resentment without me.


Things I'm not proud of. I told you about the director.


Oh, so you just snuck in. You really are such an old bear. You snuck in. It's ridiculous. I was waiting for resentment of a Segway bitch like I can segway through like years of stand up comedy.


So this interview is very.


I wish that I had this interview when I was 25, 22, so send it to your nieces and nephews if they want to understand girls that are anxious and confused and lost and the female brain, your nephew.


So let them know girls are people. Yeah, they're they're all different. Who knew? It's kind of a peek inside my 25 year old brain, her twenty five year old brain.


She's only six two six.


Oh, my.


Now brain.


I'm telling her to try to get better, make her better because it's good for you. Don't ride elephants like subscribe. Why can't I follow myself on Spotify. My podcast, well, they're looking for when it comes time to follow. I hate fact that he's a genius.


So people think I have good skin.


Yes, people think you have great people think you have nice skin.


Thank you for not exaggerating, even though I think it's great.


So it's really difficult. This is a prescription skin care company that connects you with a dermatologist online who can prescribe you online.


You don't have to drive there. You have to make 15 phone calls to get a cream.


You have to go sit in the lobby with a bunch of people, with a bunch of people that have wet lizard skin because they've been in there twenty six times in the last month.


Or like my whole thing is when I had acne, you have to put makeup on to go to the dermatologist because you can't leave the house with the acne. And then you go and they're like they see that you caked like shellac and caulk and grout into your popped zits that you've, like, put toothpaste in.


And they're like, well, you should be wearing so much makeup, it's causing your break. You know, I had the breakouts first, but I did it to come here because I couldn't let the people that saw me on the way see my zit.


Yeah, you're gorgeous. I remember. And I'm going to come in here and talk to you, you gorgeous dermatologist. So this is something where you just fill out an online questionnaire about your skin concerns and medical history and then just snap a few makeup, free selfies, privacy of your own home or a park.


Privacy of a park, wherever you are, and your dermatologist will get back to you within 24 hours of the customized treatment plan tailored just for you, they'll help you with skin care concerns like break out stress.


And the stress of driving to the dermatologist is like, I feel like this is causing my problem.


Yeah. Stress hormones, what you eat, there's so many, they'll fix it all. They help you with skin concerns like break out, start fights, fine lines and wrinkles and even redness.


And then their prescription creams come in earless pumps that ensure those ingredients stay effective.


Yes, I love that we we did it and I love that we got a real dermatologist. That was the best part.


Is that your real dermatologist online and the dermatologist?


I love that we've just specif. You do nowadays. You don't know it's real. It's not like one of those ones that just like.


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OK. Are we friends? Well, when you were telling me to, you were like, come on the podcast and I was like, OK, and you were like, don't worry. Like, it's totally comfortable because, like, we know each other. And if you don't like anything, like, we can talk about it. I was like, OK, yeah, that makes me feel better because like we're friends and that's cool. And you were like, we're not friends.


What are you talking about? And I was just like, oh yeah, no, we're not friends.


You were like you said, but everything you say to me on text is so cryptic and I truly leave being like, so confused, whether you're like playing a prank on me or not.


We talked on the phone.


We talked on the phone once why we had both had a pilot on Amazon. And so we were, you know, talking shit about our process, what happened?


I remember being on set of an Amazon pilot and all the executives were talking about, like David's pilot, like that was the thing. And I was like, so jealous that Casie David had a pilot and it was going to be so brilliant. And it's the next bag and the and. I was on the set of my pilot, but we both got we both then got picked up, we got the same time.


What was the reason that they say that?


But also why why were we making a show for a grocery store? There was some relief and not like the politics of working for Amazon are just like really just like don't feel good and are very conflicting. So there is a relief and being like, oh, I'm really glad that I don't have to try to justify this to myself for like the next few years.


Because you want to show, so it's like, oh, my God, it's just me. Yes, of course it doesn't lie about it. It's just like such a I mean, there's like a ton of reasons. But for me, I think it would be like the best outlet for my comedy that I can just keep putting out into the world for you. Maybe it's this podcast and you can do your bets on your podcast every week.


I'm just so fascinated by you. Why is that? Imagine me to answer that so. You what did you want and what did you get? Just in general, I I want to write my stuff. Startup. Like, start doing it. Yeah, I have, um, I think, you know, if people didn't like my writing or like, you know, going back like a few years, I would have stopped by now. So it's like, yes, I'm like still doing it because I feel like there are a few people I don't know, a few people, but like I there's people I've reached with it.


So otherwise I wouldn't have continued to do it.


And I'm not only doing it because I can.


Does that make sense? Are you dating someone? No. Do you want to, um, yeah, I mean. Are you dating someone is same, same? Yeah, like would you if you were dating someone, would you want to talk about it on this podcast? I mean, you don't give a shit. You flew here, we were the opposite. We are opposite people. It's over like. Yeah, this is just this is you in 10 years, I don't think so, I, I don't think I got.


What is it? I guess we should just start with the hair.


Like, I think you look fucking really awesome, but it's not something I could do. It would bring too much attention to me.


It's such a tricky word.


It is, isn't it. That's that. I feel like that's your lot in life attention. Because I because I want it and you you hate. Fuck it. Yeah.


Yeah. Fuck it. It's very primal. How do you like what is your take on it.


I don't, it's, I know that like Bendin calls me on this. I think I'm like notorious.


Right. I wouldn't call you notorious, no. Where are we going to word fight? I don't want to have a winning word. We have the smallest vocabulary ever vernacular. I have nothing to fight with.


No, but I wouldn't call you notorious. Why do you think you're notorious? I do think that women that are young and. Newble. Can you Kneubuhl, can you manage my vocabulary for nubile or newble nubile, like the definition? You attract. Can you use it in a sentence? Women who are young and nubile, yes, that want something and get it are very triggering for everyone young.


It's a it's a it's like it's I was just talking to a I literally no joke. I know it seems like I don't prepare for these podcasts because I'm a hot mess, but I called a neurologist named Muran.


Search for me before, I guess.


Yeah. Oh, yeah.


And we were talking about, like memories and how our brains process things under stress and why we remember certain things and why certain comments in the comment section register more strongly than other ones, etc. and.


Yeah, I guess it's like I was asking him, it was like, is anxiety a choice, you know, which is like a hot take, Mom and. He's attractive, so I was distracted, no, like and it just made me just be like we are animals and. As I like watching you, I'm reading you. I'm just I'm like, you are perfectly designed. For a thousand years ago. And why? Because I can't survive with all of this right now, because I can't you know, you're perfectly designed to be in a tribe.


In the dark. With a lion, a hunting. Like hyper vigilant, neurotic, anxious, like you were the. Queen of the tribe, yeah, I would have survived, you're the lead mayor. Yeah. Thank you. I think that's a I think that's a compliment, you're not sure? OK, Apex Warrior. And so I like I'm just I get very obsessed with people that are perfectly evolved. And then everything else changed and fuck them.


Technology like just like. Yeah, well, there's tomfoolery. There's an entire you know, the media is like the meanest girl from your high school, like they don't they don't care about what you look like.


They don't care about reflecting you accurately. They don't care if they embarrass you. It's shot in front. Yeah. And it's just like, you know, click. It's like a very real thing.


What like what's what's the last time you just were like I nailed it.


I've never felt like I nailed anything. When I get away with something and I'm like, oh, like people didn't make fun of that. Like I nailed it.


So you're a true standup in that you want to control how you're going to be embarrassed?


Yeah, I'm a stand up with stage fright, so I can't do it, but. So you should only be friends with comedians.


Oh yeah. That would be great. If they would like to be friends with me, I don't know. You can ask them if anyone's interested, but yeah, I would like to I feel the most comfortable when I'm with people who are funny comics because you're sensitive but you're also tough.


Yeah. You're not as sensitive as you think you are. Mhm. But people that don't get it are going to, it's like earth shattering when someone doesn't get it.


Yes. Or they're going to treat you with kid gloves and it's like patronising infantilizing.


Like what.


What's your ideal day like. Nothing bad happened. It's like nothing embarrassing happened. Nothing happens.


My ideal day is like you were born into an embarrassing situation. Yeah.


Honestly, like I was saying, it's my dad. So the other day, like, we, you know, if this privilege thing is such a problem, we should just like, put you up for adoption. I don't want this I don't want this privileged kid like this.


Yeah. So like tainted by. Yeah. You're like beautiful and you're smart and funny and it's a nightmare.


Sorry. I'll get shit Ari. No, not all of it. Stop.


You are going to shit on me for that. I need to stop giving a shit. But honestly like I just like it's my first go around so like I'm learning to not give a shit. I'm like what.


What when have you ever felt like present in the moment. Like this is what I'm supposed to be doing.


I do feel like this is what I'm supposed to be doing, which is why it's like, you know, obviously writing. Yes, yes. And of course, it gives me like a lot of anxiety, but it's like. It's I'd rather be anxious and feel like unfulfilled and like not really like our man Rand. No, no, no, no. That's what.


And Rand would say. Thank you. Thanks. No, I. I don't I don't know what I am, but like as I said, I really just like I, I don't I wouldn't put up with all the shit if I didn't feel like I was.


Making some points that people can connect to. Do record your audiobook. I did. How did that go? Oh, my God, it was like it's like truly brutal.


First of all, I like horrible vocal fry, which everyone listening.


I sort of discovered your voices in a similar dream. I really sound like a man with pneumonia.


You're like, honestly, like I'm a man on his deathbed. So is like you've a sinus infection.


And I sound like I have the sinus infection. So I gave it to you earlier.


I you sound like whiskey. Well, you have like a whiskey.


Well, like Janis Joplin, it's everything whiskey like puts you to sleep.


And like, I think I would put people to sleep if it wasn't. So it doesn't always it activates a lot of people to makes people make a lot of bad choices.


I realize a vocal fry. It's like you. I used to do this on my Web series a lot, which is like a number of things I Web series circle back to that.


But I was embarrassed to say certain lines and I realized, like I would say, I'm like really low because I was like kind of embarrassed to be saying them. And so all the comments were like, you've such bad vocal. If I can't listen, this vocal fry.


And I was like, oh, I'm just like so embarrassed to be talking that I, like, go so low.


And then so that was my entire audience. I had a screengrab also bent and said that you are like, Ah, Daria. No, Daria. Yeah, I'll take that Brenden's really fucking killing it from you to that dude I come in with like nothing. And Vinton's, like Benton tells me what to think.


He's my neural link. Yeah, like. Like did you ever see my so-called life? Hmm. You're like Angela. Well, she wasn't the main character she'd like the formula was of out there. Oh, really? Yeah. No, you're not having that kind of quiet. And yes, she was, like, anxious and wanted to date Jared Leto get. It goes against my morals, but, yeah, I do, because I'm selfish that, like no person actually chooses to be alive and it's like very selfish and you do it for your own happiness and fulfillment.


Yeah, it's like masturbatory. Yeah. And are you into Terramin?


Do you want kids? My deal with Kiv wow, manage her Jesus micromanager.


No, I froze my eggs when I was thirty three and dya I. Do you want. How old are you now? How? This bit, the click bait that has the gall. I don't want to talk about it, so I think of you're sick.


I know it's a tricky one. It's like I got I feel like you're a little bit in the moment where I when I had, like, that moment when I like three shows on the air and had all this exposure and I was like overexposed. And I was like, everybody's sick of me.


But I know I have to do press, you know, and I have to keep talking about myself. And I know you're going to hate me.


And it's just like this weird self flagellating like cycle.


What was the headline that, like, you hated the most that you got that I just didn't reflect you at all?


Vanessa Grigoriev. I'm a fan. She nope. I'm just blasting people that don't deserve that. Follow me around for like five days. And I was doing a talk show on a sitcom and a whatever the fuck ever. And and she was like saw me like I mean, I had pneumonia. I had migraines. Like, I was like trying to make shows. I was like fighting with network executives, like. Making tubercles and she and then the headline said, Whitney Cummings is everywhere, Whitney Cummings works harder than anyone.


Why can't she get any respect, just like you said, something really like interesting to me, which was that like like respect is the new fame. I'm like, No. One, you don't want to be famous anymore. You just want to have respect. And that's like the coolest thing ever. And for me, that's like always been like what anyone would like actually choose to strive for.


But I agree with myself in my answer would have been different 10 years ago, like I 10 years ago.


I want to be famous now. I want to be respected. You know, I mean, yeah, but the more you try to be respected, less people respect to you, which is why I do all this shit with horses.


And you've not done any ancestral examination, which is very odd to me, my dad's done it, so I know like his lineage, but my mom hasn't done it.


My family has, like is really weirdly secretive. Like no one knows anything about their parents. Like no one knows, like what their grandparents names are. Interesting.


Maybe that's part of why you want to expose so much. You mean like about my life? Yeah, I think it is about that from your travels. Maybe why I'm never recovered like around the world. No, no, not.


The main thing for me is that I, I like to have like routine in my life. Yeah.


And I have a. I have a fear of throwing up that, like, really runs my life throwing up. Yeah. So when I travel it, like there's less certainty that I'm not going to throw up.


Oh, I'm so sorry. That's so wild. Yeah. So you're worried you'll throw up in a public place? No, it's not about a public place. It's just the act of doing it. I'm scared. I'll get sick. I'm scared. Like, you know, like from somewhere like I don't I haven't a million times, but whatever.


So I do I don't get food poisoning like I do throw it will happen.


It's just like my biggest fear. So you just avoided at all costs. But it's like it's weird because I remember my therapist like she what she does is she walks you through your worst fear and then you like have to live.


I've heard that and I've heard people with a of phobia who literally expose themselves to throwing up so they can get over the fear. And that's just like in the past, like.


So I would never do that.


But why? You're the safest anyone could be. Just in life, yeah. Like global globally, like you're probably the safest. Yeah, probably. Does that like math at all, do you ever go like, oh, mathematically I'm the statistically the safest person?


No, because you can't actually, like, ever protect yourself from the things that can happen to you, like, seriously.


And you find new things out every day that can happen.


Yeah. Like bugs and eyelashes type thing and recovered and.


But do you feel like I know that I am addicted to adrenaline.


You are. What do you do for that. Do you go skydiving. No, no, no, no. I in utero. Like what was when your mom was pregnant. What was the situation.


Well there was the ninety four earthquake when you while you pregnant.


Well my mom was pregnant so. I think that they could potentially be a factor. You were in utero. Mm. Yeah.


Now, but I think it'd be crazy to blame it all on that.


There's like a lot of different factors. My mom is like insane and insanely anxious person, but we're designed to be anxious. Yeah, anxiety is good. Sorry.


Yeah, also, by any means, like trying to be like the poster child for anxiety, like it's like I don't want I think there's a point where, like, you'll want to stop talking about it.


I already want to stop you. I think it's because I've done this like I've done this thing where I wrote a book that it's way less good than yours and not true.


But thank you. Hey, I. Like, was like wrote about eating disorders and all this in sexual assault and then everyone's airing that and I'm like, why are you asking me about this?


Yeah, no, it's it's I'm talking about it because it's like so part of like who I am that I, like, don't it's just like the first thing that comes to mind, like doing that is like yeah. I'm like anxious and like you know what, like anything that you do in life, you're anxious about it.


Yeah. So I talk about in the book because it's something like everyone can relate to and you should be you're you're thin, you're small, you're young, you're beautiful.


Like statistically you are pré. Like, it's a really big compliment to be called like, oh, no, I'm just saying this is we should have Georgia here. Like, this is the shit that's like so primal that I get in trouble for, which is like, why wouldn't you be scared? We're in a pandemic. They're beautiful young. Your prey. Does it kind of track wouldn't it be weird if you weren't scared? I think it's weird.


I think it's weird that anyone is not scared.


Yeah, people are scared like that person's crazy. Look at that person. Like just without a mask. Know what I mean?


No, you're crazy if you're not crazy. What is your, like, morning routine?


I wake up, I go to the news, I wake up, I like manically check my phone to make sure like nothing horrible.


And you have it on silent when you sleep. Yeah. I don't tell all the time because I check it so much that I don't need it to vibrate. Yeah. Like I'll see it when someone text me. I'm staring at old.


I don't. You've never watched TV. Like on a TV, yeah, what do you mean, obviously watch TV, but do you watch a live TV screen?


I think yeah, as opposed to a computer.


Oh, can we kill that, by the way? Yeah. Like, do we like do you watch TV a box. Yeah.


Not a box but I like a flat screen and I watch TV.


OK, and what did you watch. I was obsessed with Gossip Girl. Like obsessed. Great. There is something about watching. Like nothing really bad can happen to these characters.


They're all like, well that was your night until now. Yeah. Yeah. I also watched the remake of Nyota went out and not as good as Gossip Girl, but got me through few days.


It was on.


Yeah. Yeah, those were my go tos, do you blame romantic comedies for your what you expect in relationships?


No, no, because I think if you have like a low threshold for bullshit and you're watching romantic comedy, you're just like, this is so stupid.


And like, obviously, you know, it's stupid.


Yeah. I mean, even kids should watch that and be like, this is stupid. You would hope because it's so stupid.


Now, how bad has this press, Torben, although it's been like so bad, like, you know, like I've been Googling you.


Yeah, it's bad. It's really bad. It's not bad. It's just not natural. It's not we're not designed for it. We're not wired for it. No, we're not. I also don't know if you saw what happened, like with my excerpt. The. Oh, so stupid. Oh, the building, yes, one about pooping oh, sex when you have your stomach swell. Yeah, yeah. That that seemed to make the rounds.




I was so shocked by it because for me it was like, this is so obvious. It's not even worth writing about. Like it's something like everyone knows about, like it's probably been a joke a million times. Yeah. And that was not the reaction.


It was like. First of all, it was satire. It was like absurdist and it's like based on like, yes, you to me, you're very Gary Shteyngart to me.


Cool. Loving these references. I have so many I if you mix all these people together, I want nothing more than to be friends with Casie.


But I have to, like, down, like, upload my hippocampus into her brain.


She knows my references so we can be friends.


Yeah. We have to get there. I need to you need to give me a list of things I need to educate myself on. But yeah. So I first of all, I was it's kind of like, you know, when you release an excerpt, it's kind of like releasing the wrong single for an album. If it's not like reflective of the book. That's funny. Yeah, I don't think it was, but it's just like a funny, stupid piece.


And it really was just a piece about being in a relationship and like being in a comfortable relationship also like like the Internet, like it's also on us to stop taking it so seriously. I think, you know, this is a hot take, like 22 percent of people on Twitter. Of that, two percent generate 80 percent of the comments. It's like we also have to stop amplifying it. We also have to stop taking it so seriously.


Like it's sort of because then I'm like, how many people send me an article about me? And they're like, your canceled book. You're like trying to go or whatever.


And I'm like, OK, but eight hundred views like it's so silly. Feels like a rumor.


It's like a rumor in high school that we now like because it's on a screen that like was really like hard to make and was made in a fancy place and has like shiny buttons like we think it's like everyone's seeing the same trend we're seeing.


Yeah. But it's really shocking, like the fact that there was like a Reddit page, like discussing my anatomy that I like, don't know how sex works or food works and that I have an eating disorder, that I'm like, you know, it was just like so beyond like how many people were on the red chain, you know what I mean?


No, I don't like mysteries.


Once there's like articles written about like what people are tweeting.


But I was like always like the second that there was like two articles about me and the headlines were like like talks like a Hollywood girl or like privileged girl like everyone. No matter what I excerpted, it would have been like I think people were ready to like me part, which is like I would have done the same. That way you feel like has happened, you know.


Like what? It's so funny. Like, I don't because I what I do when with people like someone like you, my research was like I texted a bunch of people that are like your age. And I was like, what do you think about this person? And they're like Megan Fox of Young Millennials, super funny, witty, incredible writer. What's your favorite animal? Maybe a deer. You loved, dear? Yeah, my daughter is scared of everything.


I mean, that is such intimate. She's a dear, dear, truly. That's wild, but it's like but it is this thing where it's like I watched and I've talked about it before, like with Roseanne, like I watch Roseanne need to be hated, you know, like I've seen people need negative attention. I don't think that's what you are. You know, that I like and I certainly don't need it, but I don't think you want it.


You know, I'm saying no, but do you think people there's people who want it?


Yes, I think there's people that have legitimate shame addictions. And I think adrenaline turns into dopamine. And I think a lot of people's comfort zone is being the victim. And like, I know how to do this. It's like the devil I know. You know. There's all these studies of these kids that they would rather be abused than ignored. Because at least you're getting some kind of attention, at least you understand what's happening, you know, and why kids like banging their heads against walls because they need to know that it's solid.


You know, like I don't do well with gray area. I'm very black and white. Yeah. You know, but it's interesting to me that, like, because I feel like you when I when you were a tot when I was like a teenager, there was like tabloids, like we had tabloids, we had the Enquirer, we had star like we had like US Weekly was like a magazine that you were like people like Instagram, so addictive.


We always had the shit we always like. I would go into a doctor's office.


But don't you think like on some level the comments have gone from like, uh, like not for me.


Like, you suck to, like, dissecting your entire character and upbringing and like everything about you. Or do you think that's how it's always been comments.


But like, how can you take a comment seriously if you don't know who who's making it?


I mean, personally, I would just, like, never be friends with someone who could, like, talk shit about something on Twitter.


But you know that somebody who is angry is just sad in pain. Anger is always just pain or sadness. Yeah.


I guess it's like I relate to it because, like, I'm like sad and angry and like, hate everyone. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm like, oh like would I hate me. Like you guys have the most in common.


Yeah. You hate me. Great. Yeah. We have something in common. I hate me too. Let's do this. Let's do it. I mean it's like it's just throwing rocks like it's, it's like it's the new egging houses. It's not personal, you know, like I think that like we just have to make this dramatic shift of like how we're perceiving like tribal childish behaviors. We used to toilet paper houses. We used to throw exit houses.


We used to it is.


But it's really interesting. People memories are like Chank people. We are wired to humiliate other people. Yeah. And it's all testing each other to see who in the tribe is the alpha and who is safe and who is going to protect you.


Mom, it's like, it's like we always did that shit, but now there's cameras and now there's we can do about computers and it's just looks different. Oh, yeah, I know, but it's true that the media is like it's truly they they do not care about anyone.


They do not consider.


Why would they? It's a business. Yeah. Look, why would they know?


I'm not expecting them to. But you do realize, like, oh, wow.


Like you like do not see people as people like at all. But that but we don't see them as people. The media. Yeah. You know what I mean, like, they're just robots that are supposed to be flattering us all the time. You know, this is like I think we're just in this like this will look me hands like this Chinese finger trap of like I want it on my terms all the time, like I'm such a hypocrite where I'm like, I want you to cover me and make me famous, but I will on my terms.


And I want to be flattering. But no one's getting dopamine from that. No one's getting adrenaline. Dopamine from that. People are only clicking if Kasey David lashed out.


I was just talking to this neuroscientist that and I should just have him. We'll figure out a way to just put it in the podcast that like when a news article says someone lashed out Casy David slams so-and-so. It's like a 15 percent more release of cortisol in your brain and you're more likely to click on it. Opposed to Kacey. David addresses the rumor slams, you know what I mean? And I'm obsessed with that because in standup we say you bombed you killed you, murdered you.


I'm obsessed with, like, the words we use. Like I did a joke a couple of specials ago about like how guys say, like, I murdered that shit. I like I killed that. Like, I'm kind of obsessed with how violent men describe sex. Yeah. So I'm you know, it's like we're just we're animals, you know, it's a feeding frenzy and you're kind of just like you're delicious. You're like the your scarlet letter.


Yeah, I but I felt like this whole I'm like, sorry, bring this up again. But like, I felt like I did something.


You've only apologized once, which is shocking. I've been trying to to do it less was actually like giving a no. Like you need to stop apologizing. Yeah.


It's, it's just like I know and everyone hates it, but I felt like I had done something like wrong. I was like I feel like I meet someone like that's how people are like that was that's what this whole week like. Oh this week. Yeah. Just like cheating on me.


You're like whatever it was what were like. I don't know. What do you mean. Everyone's posting my you know, just like people you're just going to only focus on the negative.


Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. I guess. I don't know when you're on the Today show. Yeah, what? So it's your focus?


Well, it's like my friends being like this is like not good, but you need new friends.


Who are your friends? Yeah, I don't know.


But but I thought I was like someone with a bot with five followers saying she's privileged. That's an adrenaline act, that's like a chaos, dramatic.


Yeah, but it's it's the only monadic, but it's the only it is the only question I'm asked is like, what's it like growing up in, like, a Hollywood family, Loblaw? And then I answer and I'm not, like, trying to exempt myself from it. I'm just like, that's part of who I am. And I'm like trying to own it. And yeah, it's just like, would you rather me pretend like it's not a factor?


Do the thing, do the thing any closer to the mike. Yeah, that's an only pop pop.


Look at you. We the royal we love the Pops.


I just said fuck out of my breath. Is that OK? She said if I was a good you know what it is.


I just to me, nostalgia is my drug.


I think control and sometimes drugs, but all like orange squeeze. Look at the packaging of this.


Doesn't it feel like vintage? It goes down to the pharmacy to get a phosphate in the fifth. Yes. Very mad, man.


We're going to get that in a candy bar. And then you're going to solve a crime for a young lady who don't want to date. Oh, Henry, mama, you said, oh. Oh, girl, you big car broke down. Take this alcopop. I'm going to fix your tire car with no seat belt. She's like, Please, sir, please. I never had a lollipop before, so please.


She's like he's been dead for forty years. I love the chair of another one of this, probably one.


So it's like I'm so bummed that we grew up with toxic Sotos. Like we didn't get we like drink out of a hose and drink just like random chemicals.


This is has prebiotics, which I didn't even know that was Prebiotic. I know. I thought it was probiotics.


I was Subotnick before my body. I have so many biotics. It's botanicals plant fiber, sparkling tonic in the flavors are just you know what, I'm this soda supports healthy digestion, digestive and immune health.


Isn't that crazy? I would really appreciate everyone get your immune system in order. Can everyone just pull it together with your immune system?


Not only that, but as you know, 90 percent of Americans consume more than the US day is daily recommended, added sugar intake.


To want to do that again, know these studies have less sugars. The point the point is there's not a lot of sugar in these and they're better for you. You got it. You understand?


So the fact that we eat that much soda, we should sue our parents. Non GMO vegan, paleo, keto friendly for all you punks out there, less than eight net carbs.


It's also it's just like, I don't know, I think we got to take the winds and they have a lot of great flavors to it. Can I finish?


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Wait, can you eat it for people to. I did it. I don't.


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Help your pet for their feelings of isolation, anxiety and boredom come a nice little treat. What's the question you get asked the most? Mine is, is it hard being a woman in comedy? Yeah, is it?


The answer is yes. It's what's it like growing up in a, you know, with like in a Hollywood family or like as a like. Privileged. I don't think of Larry David as being Hollywood, I think being like me. Yeah, yeah, but it doesn't matter anymore because that's like it's a.


It's like being a woman in comedy, it's like I'm I'm a child of a celebrity, I'm so much more interested in you being twenty six. That's it to me. So.


Well, I wish I could like, look again, that's like not something I'm trying to run on, like it's just a question of mass and then turn to the headline like I would like to be like talking about like what it's like to be a young person in today's world. And and that's why I like wrote this and that's why people relate to it. It's not because I'm for real.


No bullshit. If a guy wants to date you, what do they do?


Like what's your perfect like if they're not going to like your if you were going to script it out in your next show will happen if you want, if you want to.


Like how does it go. He's how old. What, like like a thirty one, thirty two. That seems like cool, like not trying to have another girlfriend after you, you know. Got it potentially. Got it. Got it. Got makes fun of everything is important to me. Gets old after a while. Does it though. It has to you have to kill. It'll be on all the time, but don't take yourself so seriously.


It's just like, let's just hate the same things as me. Yeah. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.


Like, I don't make fun of everything that I always thought there was a dating app like that that was like because they always looked I always got on those apps like Ryan Whinge, Whinge, Bubble and stuff. And it's always like things I like.


I'm like, why don't we do dislike that there was a day I'm not on any dating apps, but if there was a dating app for like people who hate everything, like, yeah, when I'm with a guy. That's that's literally what every executive asks me when I'm writing a script. Why? Because my characters are like always people who, like, hate everything and they're like, no one's going to like this person if they hate everything, they have to find somebody like David.


And he has a house in Brentwood for not liking things. Do you want a wedding in the whole thing? No. You want to be like me, just no, no, no, no, no, I'd like something else. My own thing that's, you know, you're doing your thing and maybe I'll have my thing version of.


Like what? Like because I think it's like people like you, you just have to cater to your genius. Like there's no blueprint for you. Sorry, I'm sorry, I'm just like, help me, why, why what? Ask me. No, I. I don't I mean, I don't know anything. Yeah, no me neither. I really don't.


But like, what what's what's tomorrow. What would be the perfect day for you tomorrow. Show gets picked up on on Netflix. Stand up, special counsel. Stand up. I really want to, though. I thought I was going to start. Yeah, I inquired to you about it actually before quarantine, I was like, I'm going to film stand up. My friends are going to film my standup special and making me an audience. It's going to be a joke like because I can't be in front of an audience, I'm too scared.


Yeah. And then covid hit and then everyone started doing that and I was like, no, man, I can't ever do that. What.


So this is what happened with me in your book. I started reading your book and what I try to do sometimes is like open to a page and see what happens.


Like, I like that's a fun game. It's a dumb game.


And I open to you writing fucking tweets. I would tweet if I weren't morally opposed to Twitter in order to cook an octopus, they have to beat them to death because if you try and kill one instantly, the octopus has muscles tense up and the texture is too hard to eat. Sorry, I just didn't want to be the only one who knew that.


And I literally like, threw the book down. It was so upset.


It's impactful. I'm trying to get people to stop eating octopus, you know.


I mean, I talked about with Robert Green for two hours. I mean, it's like but I. You have what I have no offense.


Insult you compliment me that of like I have a little bit of a fetish for hurting myself. It's like a it's a cutting but like emotional. This entire book was hurting myself.


Yeah. Me being on that podcast is the cell flagyl. Yeah, I mean, but how are you? Is this like who knows what I said?


Oh yeah. You know, I was like, let me finish the job. You guys in a council myself officially. But why?


But you're not like I don't think you could be canceled if you're self-aware. And I think that I think that the thing with canceling is that it's only people that pretend to be one thing and we're secretly another if you look like what I mean.


I did the roasts. Yeah, but that's I feel like that's that's something I did think, you know, if you're like. You know, true to who you are and you're not, like faking anything. No secrets, but your generation doesn't have a secret. Like my generation, we have secrets.


We have like photos floating around of us in blackface, like at like Halloween parties. It's like a physical photo that like, I don't know what atic there's a photo of me, like in a geisha, like makeup or some shit like.


No, but the things that we have now will be like that in, you know, 20 years.


But I feel like you guys like have an idea, like you guys are so aware that everything is being recorded that you walk on eggshells.


Everyone, I think, is totally scared of being publicly humiliated. Even the people who aren't known because you can be. Yeah. Even can be an anonymous 14 year old, that's all.


And if you do something stupid, everyone can know about it tomorrow. And it's like, really it's surveillance and it's China.


I mean, it's like what China did on purpose. We now do by accident.


You realize you can make fun of fucking anything and it'll be embarrassing. So it's not even about like, oh, you're just cautious of it and you just don't do anything wrong.


So you embarrass anything can be wrong. When you were a kid and people did you notice people recognize your dad?


Yeah, I grew up in L.A. and so it was like less, you know, in New York. It was like, oh, everyone like is Jewish and like, yeah, there's so much sexual trauma.




With you. You don't want to know about it. I know I would like to know, I think because we carry so much like guilt and shame like imprints on our DNA, like so much of it.


Is it your fault? Like, you get it honestly that you this is how you should be if you are, like, believe science.


Yeah, I just really feel like I'm turning into the like, you know, but you realize that it's like that's like the thing where I'm like. You every time you talk, you just realize, OK, what about it could be made fun of, like make fun of things that you wouldn't make fun of Jean Jacket.


So what if they do, then what? It's just like you're aware of it. But I have this thing that's like if someone is hates you, they love you.


Like they're obsessed with you if someone's going if someone's following you and commenting on your shit and going like your book sucks, like, will you read it? Thank you. You bought it. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. Your book sucks.


Someone read my book and thought it sucked. This is great news. Did the transaction clear, like I'm not allowed to make you I'm not allowed to have the expectation that you need to like it. I just put it out. You don't have to like it. I don't even like that much, yeah, how much you like this book, I like to offer a little bit. It's pretty good. You're pretty good writer, but you probably have notes on it, too.


Like, so it's like why like I just wrote also, every time anyone does something like it's for only like a certain type of person, like it's only for like a couple, you know, versions of a person. But how much of it is like don't take this the wrong way. I can cut it out, like, how much of that is like I just try to go everyday when I wake up and I have like a story about myself, I'm like, how much of this is true and how much of this is me?


Just like the story I've written about myself, like I'm a writer, like I can rewrite things. This is why I love training dogs and horses, because you see how quickly they can you can change.


Can you train me that way? How quickly you get a dog that trust nobody is scared of people. And then two days later, they're in your lap and you're like, wait a second. This is the same composition, the same matter. These are same neural pathways. It takes 20 days to make a pathway. So it's like like if I am I attached to this role? Am I attached to this story?


You know, I mean, I'm like I don't trust anyone to, like, do to why am I that person? I hate myself, do it myself.


Like I say that it gets a laugh like I don't think I do, but it's like, you know, like I just have to, like, sometimes step back and re-evaluate and make sure you will if you have, like, a, you know, kind of faulty self-image and then like your identity is like being formed without your consent.


So, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's hard to differentiate yourself from.


Like what? Like your new identity is and like what you know to be true. Because when I think of you I go, she's so resilient, she's so strong and you're like, I'm so fragile.


I mean by a thread. So it's like it just such an interesting like I'm like, but she just like went through all this public madness and like wrote a book which is a fucking nightmare and made this show that I've done all those things, you know, and I'm like, oh, I know how I know what you went through because I went through it, I got through the stuff with the famous dad, but like, it's really dad that loves you sounds very traumatic.


Honestly, I'm not even I'm not even joking because like it I think that having parents that are like really available and solvent really does not equip you for the real world.




Well, also, you just like, spend all your time being like, what the fuck am I going to do? Like when you're gone, like, yeah, I can't even fathom, like how I'll be able to survive without this person. Yeah.


And like worrying is part of our deal, you know, and like we get it, I, I guess my thing is like, I mean, you know, I'm in 12 step programs and stuff.


It's like how do we like, like transmute these pathologies, character defects and like qualities into something positive, like well you put it into work, that's what you say.


Why isn't it all good? Why can't it be good? I'm super anxious. I fucking wrote a book by twenty six. Because I guess it's because of what?


And it's really stupid, but, yeah, that's how that's how it should be framed, like yeah, like I just think we did it like I think your whole generation, like, looks to you and like relates to you. And like, I just I'm always about reframing the way we talk about women's behavior from.


She's sensitive, she's crazy. She's irrational, she's psycho. She's a stalker. She's emotional to like she's productive and she's perceptive and she's observant and she's prolific and she's thoughtful and she's fucking smart, you know what I mean?


Like, I just think all of the things that that I just might wish for you would be that you see them as superpowers instead of as flaws. Yeah, yeah.


I mean, like, you're a hyper empath, like super hero. But society's told you these are all bad things. I think if you're like an obsessive person and someone says something to you and you just like obsess over it. Yeah. And so I'm just like getting through the obsessions of like what?


Yeah. Yeah. But it's like also I'm really sorry, like did not come on this podcast, like we did not like I was not funny and so I've never and said you like literally you gave me a full therapy session so I did it.


I'm not, I'm not being helpful at all. I wasn't this was there.


That was it's not even we haven't started we're not even we're two hours in where I don't even know. But like I just, I just that that's like what I like I look at you like I mean I felt compelled to like call you when your pilot didn't get picked up because I was like I fucking been there dude.


And like I just want her to know so badly that that was the best thing that could have happened to her. Know, like, I don't know how to tell her. It's like I guess you just the only way out is through. I guess you just have to.


I found out my pilot didn't get picked up on 9/11, which was like the most like just like it was just like wild.


But what was the reason?


My book, The Day of the Vegas Shoot, we had to cancel all the press and I didn't get to do what I do. A week later and after the Vegas shooting, I'm on talk shows being like I had an eating disorder.


I think you have more choice in the way you're perceived. Did do you think? Yeah. Does that make sense? Yeah.


No, I'm I'm 100 percent still trying to manage it. I feel like you're living it a little bit of shame. I'm always living in shame. Yeah, but it's very narcissistic. It's like I can't be. How's it working? It's so I'm just like, honestly, like I'm just I have a lot of growing up to do and like that's like a lot of what this book.


Yeah. And so I was just like, this is exactly what you should be thinking. Yes. This is exactly what you should be saying. This exactly.


Almight like I was like I wish this book existed when I was 20, so it's really nice.


Like that would have been my I would have been like holy fuck, there's someone else that fucking things like this Jimmy, there's someone else that's just confused or someone else. Is this anxious in this fucking restless and irritable just like that's your Daria.


Thank you. Yeah. No it's like your stop talking to people that are older. That's what, you know what I figured out. Stop talking to anyone over 30, myself included. No, but I don't think it's I think it's I don't know if it's that because.


My I don't know my because the your young friends are, like, really tuned in with what's going on. I know mine, but if they tell you like Yeah I like.


Everyone thinks you're like transphobia and like fat felbeck and you're like. Oh, OK. And if you're from everyone, imagine, imagine that's like a climate denier, everyone thinks you're trans phobic.


No, but then you start having to defend yourself to your friends, generalising and being that bad at math and saying everyone thinks you're something.


Yeah, honestly, my therapist is like, you literally are not allowed to use the word everyone or like everything, and you can't use those words. Yeah. I texted you this like a piece of shit in the center of the universe is that it's like everyone and my therapist said she was like, I'm good because I was like obsessing over what someone was thinking about me. And I was like, this person's mad at me. And she was like, I've good news and bad news.


Nobody's thinking about. Yeah, they're obsessing about themselves.


It's snow. It's like the most embarrassing thing. How much you can care about yourself. Yes.


I have to go to this party to go to this party. What if I don't go to this party? They'll be fine. The party will go on without you. And I know it'll probably be better. They're frankly not going to let you showing up out of obligation is going to fuck up the party for you. And then can you imagine if someone came to your party because they thought they had to because they thought you'd be mad at them?


Yeah, please don't call them. You know, like I feel like, ah, you do take it. You know, there are some people who, like, do care.


They're like, I take Xanax. Oh, that's all. Hmm.


I start taking Prozac because I had Gary Coleman on and he was talking about depression and he's like, you know, obviously like the ninja and all that stuff.


And he. Was telling me, like, you know, because I like I can totally get out of bed, I have too much energy, I'm like manic, you know, I'm like, talk so fast I can't even get words out. Like, I stutter because I talk so my brain goes faster than my. Which is why, by the way, I did when Starbuck has for the longest time, because nobody knew that I had a stutter.


And you don't have a stutter. I don't.


But sometimes a little slur because that's just like being the person I know.


But I used to vocal fry my I, I've given off the impression and scripted television and standup that I speak very clearly and loudly.


But if you hear me in conversation, my brain just goes a little too fast for my horse mouth and.


I don't even know why I'm on the stage yet. Yeah, no, but give it, give it, tell me. Because it was important. Oh, OK, so basically, Gary Goldman, I was like, I'm not I can get out of bed, I have too much energy, I'm a total workaholic, I'm a spaz. I'm going to say that word.


If this version worked, I would do it. If worrying worked, I'd worry it just like I tried it for so long and it just didn't work.


I think you're just going to come to a point and everyone your age, I think to just go like, well, that just didn't work.


So I'm just going to try the other thing. And if worrying like. The my dog recently got his leg cut off. Like a freak accident? Yeah, this is the worst thing I've ever heard. It was like it was like split open. Oh, my God.


And all I do is worry about keeping my dog safe, like bubble wrapping them and then feeding them.


And I make their chicken and the pills and I grind the pills up and I'm like, you kept putting olive oil on their thing and salmon, oil and gas.


And then he's out of my sight for two minutes and like just a freak thing on a step. It was just like the one thing I didn't plan for it.


It was just like, oh, even the worrying didn't prevent something that didn't even work.


So I kind of am now, like, I'm just experimenting with the free fall just to see if it's as good or better. Mm. You know.


Yeah. Like you might just kind of be like oh I'm good like that like. Just didn't work that well. Try this new thing because, like, the thing I worry about is that. Guys will want to rescue you and you'll get these like co-dependent like guys. I think it's the opposite. Like, I'm always the one like, oh, God, oh, God, you do.


You play love and pity.


No, but I do. I have like a I am I constantly trying to help them do what they survive in the world. Like how so? Like, if I find someone that's like worse, that living just like day to day than me, I can, like, stop. Like nothing you're I don't see you being bad at anything. What are you bad at? You wrote a fucking brilliant book. You're like, I'm just what like what I like on a day to day, like finances.


Yeah, I can't do that.


That's hard. Not as hard at it must really bottom up. Yeah. No, that's fair. OK, but that's ok. Yeah. What are all these drinks for this for me? It's a test. It's, you know, a therapist.


When you walk in the office, there's all these toys on the table and you pick one up and they, like, scribble something down and you're like they're all cold to all of the drinks because I just wanted you to have, like, every option. Thank you. How do you feel this is going and is there anything else? Do you have any questions for me?


Yeah, I have a ton of questions.


And then maybe when we talk about you, you guys can just make that the whole thing.


I know it's such a bummer. Like, it's. I think I think ultimately this is my dream for you is that you have like a Donald Glover career where you can kind of, like, go away and make your show for a year and then it comes out and people just see your work and then you can, like, go away, because I think you're kind of going like, oh, this is not what I signed up for.


That's like been advice I've been given. It's like, hey, if you don't like this, like you won't do it. And it's like, no, I have to like I have to do this.


Yeah, I think of that. Not now. Not yet. But you're doing exactly what you should be doing. But I think eventually you'll just be like, oh yeah, I'm just going to like do this on my terms and just like Beyonce say that shit and just like drop a show at midnight and then you don't hear from me for a year.


Yeah, but I you sorry, just like came on your podcast for you to give me advice for. No, I mean I'm not I like this is like I don't I have no advice for you. Like, I feel like your. No, so much more than me, because I'm like an old boomer, that's just doesn't do you know what I'm saying? You know. So what is this story about the comedy connection in Boston?


Oh, I my first Stand-Up show I saw was you at the Wilbur. That's so weird.


And I dragged like three of my friends, so I was like a huge fan. It's really funny.


I loved how much shit you talked about boys really related to that.


And yeah, we all went and was great. That's really funny and weird. Yeah. I watched like all of Whitney.


That's so funny. I like I love doing it. Be like delusional with a sinus infection. No I know. I came, I came and I didn't speak for the first like 30 minutes because I was just like like watching you, like, live.


It would be like to the media. Yeah.


Yeah. I watched I watched all of your stuff and was like a really big fan.


It's wildly nice if you did Instagram. This is my this would be my plan. You do Instagram and you don't literally phone it in. The way you do now, because you're like you just I could see your adversarial relationship with it, which is why I love you, which is also why I like this is why Michael Backstroking hired me. I mean, mainly he said why he called me back for a second meeting for Tubercles, because after I left, I bombed the meeting so bad and I left the meeting and I just went, I know you're not going to hire me.


Like I know there's no way I won't get this job. But, like, let me know if you want me to come and do punch up the round table of me.


We're the same person I know.


Like, I know I fucking totally ruined this opportunity for any of your people. Listen to this.


No way. There's there's no way to do it. Authenticity is the only way, you know. And so you'll just learn to see those inner monologue like as like I feel like I'm looking at you. It's like Taylor Thomlinson. It's like I feel like it's like Taylor and I have this thing too. I'm just like I used to think that way. And I just want you to get here faster because I want to save you time. But I probably can like you'll still have so annoying to hang out with young people.


I can't even imagine. It's it's not exhausting.


I know it's more frustrating because I just want you to you're hanging out with an ignorant person like and they're not like I just want you to enjoy life faster.


But I didn't I mean, it took me to like my dad had to die and I had to, like, get my heart destroyed.


And I had to like my parents had to have strokes, like I had to get, like, publicly dragged on the Internet, like I had to have, like, nothing to lose. And then I was just like, all right, well, that didn't work. Why don't I try this way? And then I went to twelve separate rooms for ten years and did like ADR and hypnosis and all sorts of shit.


So but yeah, I just like I still have the same thoughts you have. I just don't I look at them like science fiction, like Star Wars. You know, that was a crazy thought. Like I don't take my thoughts as feelings aren't facts, you know, like feelings aren't facts. That was just a feeling like these are just feelings. Yeah.


I can just make my feeling a fact so quickly. But it's just like it's why we have restrained a pen and tongue, just don't say it, just don't say it. As soon as you say it now you're validating it becomes. So it's just like if I have if I want to take an action, if I want to respond to that email or respond to that text or I got a pit in my stomach because of a weird text or my manager called me and I didn't like, wait three days, I have to wait three days and no email should be longer than two sentences.


Really, and there's no responding to something that's like a tricky situation. Unless I like the same day, if I have to go to sleep, because then I'm going to be waiting for the response, like I have all these, like we call the bottom lines and program to protect yourself from the afterburn spiral.


I had an idea for text messages for the iPhone where they basically would be like an app for anxious people, where they you have two categories before you send a text to someone and you either put it in like don't worry category. So when you get a text that's like high, you know, it's like not worry and should be scared.


That's. That's right. Right. Right, right. So, you know, when it's coming in, like, if you should, that sound really funny. Thanks. A comedian say to me, there's no doubt that I know we don't laugh, I know that you're used to that. Yeah, I like that about you. But but yeah.


So it's just like I just. I feel like we were talking about that, OK, so if you made the movie, so I remember, I feel like I'm talking too much the.


When Obama his last year in office, I think I've told this story before, but I feel like we've cut it out because I'm always so embarrassed about it that I like I'll tell stories of the podcast and then cut them up, like I think I told that story before.


And they're like, no, you've cut it every time. It's like so dramatic.


But the last year in office, Michelle Obama did a phone call with show runners where she was a couple was like Ryan Murphy and like Shonda Rhimes and like Amy Schumer and Paladino, like all these writers. And we were on a conference call with her and she said, I just want you guys to know we've found we're now able to link the passage of marriage equality to the show Will and Grace. Wow, because having Will and Grace, like a lot of people just don't know gay people, like they're just don't have them in their towns or they only see five people on their way to work and they just have not met a gay couple.


And having one in your living room, you know, every day that it turned into like, I would love for them to Jack and whatever.


Well, to get married, of course. And she was like, so just everything you're doing on television has an impact, like when you cast the dry cleaner to be Asian, when you cast the valet to be Mexican, or you don't have that, like every little decision you make is subconsciously being clocked by people, you know.


And so we always say in writers rooms, like we're just writers, we're we're not curing cancer, but like, you know, so I just argue that you making a movie that. Connects to people like I mean, you've seen movies that have changed your life or have just something clicked, you know, like what I saw irreversible, I like it change the way that I like perceived time and like.


Maybe more like you could do that with a movie you're giving back in a different way, you're not just like throwing cash at a corrupt charity.


I guess to think that I could have such an impact on people that I would fund my own movie because I think I'm going to change the world with it or change and change the world.


Yeah, like, I made a fucking little movie that was like ridiculous.


And people all like even like men will be like, I understand my wife so much better. Thank you. I understand my daughter so much better. Women will be like I used to think I was crazy. And now I just I know I'm like it's just like you will affect people. You're just you. I think you still have ah you might have this thing in your head that you need to get like everyone.


No, I guess I just think I need to, like, work for it, even though it seems like you work harder than maybe me, which is a wild.


You're very hard on yourself, you're hard on yourself and other people are more like people like you and you're like, trust me, like you do. I mean, I you're bullying yourself.


Yeah, I work hard for, like, what I get and I don't want to.


But you're worried that I need that process to prove to myself, like when this happens, I like.


No, I worked hard for this.


Yeah. But also, you know that I had no industry connections.


I had no nothing when I came to this business and everyone was like, oh, well, she slept her way to the top.


Yeah. So it's like they said the same thing about me. Right. They said I didn't deserve it.


Well, you know, you think about like. Just because, like we have Twitter and all these things now, like like Sofia Coppola, like there's so many people who like have, you know, family members in the industry and then decided to do that. And they were just like I made a Sofia Coppola movie and my name is a lot of people.


It say it was awful. Full stop. Sorry, they would they would say it was terrible and self-indulgent and who cares?


And it's fun of people in Tokyo dancing in a hotel room where the jokes it's not funny. Like, it's just it's it's there's a you have to have, like, a feline enigmatic, like, I don't want it thing for people to respect you.


And I'm just I'm not that bitch.


I'm I openly want it. I want it.


And I'm like the advertisements.


I'm just saying for the longest time I was like, no, I don't want to because I don't like what is this what is this act like? Because women aren't allowed to want things and be ambitious or maybe men. It's unattractive to like want at all. And I kind of was just like, why am I why do I feel ashamed? Someone else, some fucking Silicon Valley psychopath date rapist is going to take all the money. If I don't, why don't I just do it and like me apologizing, I'm just sending a message to the next generation that they shouldn't want things.


You know, you're much better role model than I am. You're but you don't have. Why would you be a role model right now?


You don't that you why you're being authentic is the is the, I think way to go. And you're just I would be saying all the same things at your age, you know, I mean, like this is this is why this is so many people love this book because they're going to go like, oh, I think.


And I read it. That's how I used to think that I saw the octopus thing and I had a heart attack because I'm obsessed with octopuses, not pussies. There's a new documentary.


No, no, never talk about it. No, it's good. It's right in the trailer is a man who I know friends. I don't I'm aware it's really beautiful.


I'm really into octopuses and I mean my table. I'll show you downstairs.


I have my octopus collection know. I have to say something funny before I go, I don't want this to end because I'm fascinated by how I think the only person that's more comfortable with silence has been Sebastian. Do you think I've been silent? Yeah, you're making me chatty. No, I think it's because you're really funny and quick and it makes it it shrinks me down.


Whereas if you are being quiet, I would be like, what the fuck is going on?


Like with these chargers, seriously? So you give me permission to, like, be quiet and like. Yeah. Is it fun or is it is it like taking a load off or is it like.


Yeah. No, you're you've taken control and I appreciate that. No, but no one wants to hear from me.


They hear from me every fucking week. They would hear from you. Yeah, I'm sorry they've hurt, so I don't have anything for you. It's like you said earlier, it's like I have nothing I literally nothing else to do, just like out.


Yeah. You're like out of things to say. That's so interesting to me, I'm not I don't know I don't know what the right thing is, I love it. But that's exactly like anybody that says that they do is like Meghan Trainor was funnier on your podcast than I am.


Meghan Trainor is wildly funny. She's really funny. It was. It was.


I mean, I'm shocked when comedians are funny. I like I was her brain is so fucking fast. Yeah. I am so sexist or I'm so I discriminate against pop stars. Like, I just I'm like, oh, they must all be like prepackaged and like no, I don't know why you don't.


I don't like you do you not.


She's back like I, I guess I just thought they were all like airheads that just got their songs written for them and and then I listen to her music and it's all like roast joke in like witty. Yeah.


I wouldn't consider her like a vapid pop star. Yeah.


But I didn't, I just, I just go pop star makeup shoes, glitter like I'm sexist like that. It's like before I watch Chir I was like the cheerleading shows, like sequined makeup, like I have that internalized misogyny shit around like makeup and like prom queen. The girls that are too feminine, you know, I'm embarrassed are like I want to be.


That's very pink. It's just like the color pink. Yeah.


It's like. It's that shit like.


I don't know, it's not me, but you don't hear songs by pop stars that are like, I hate myself and like I feel unsexy and like this guy doesn't want to fuck me and no one no rappers, like I'm number three Jersey.


It's always I would love a rap or like a pop star. That's like I'm like just like no one is attracted to me. I'm like I have like a good amount of money. Like I'm doing fine.


Like, I just got an Audi.


It's never not like I'm the hottest fucking thing you've ever seen. And I'm really good at sex and like I'm pretty good at sex.


She comes like most of the time I think.


Yeah. And like I want to pop.


So that's like I couldn't get my boyfriend hard last night.


That's why I love Robin so much. Sucking off Robin's like I'm in the corner watching you kiss the hot girl.


Like I'm. Yeah, like I'm No. Two. I'm like I know I'm number two and like, that's cool. That like that's why Robin's my shit. Yeah. Because she's like the underdog.


She's one hundred percent. You always want to be the underdog.


What do you listen to music wise. Music's hard for me because genuinely if I listen to music, I can't go to sleep. I get stuck in my head forever. Gets emotional. Yeah, but because you think about the lyrics are you get.


No, no, no. It's I get stuck in my head. Yeah. And I think and then it's just in my head until like 4:00 in the morning.


It's like like you're like singing it. Yeah.


It's just like repeating in my head like one line but I like a lot of different types of music, but I really do always feel super pretentious when discussing music.


I really love it when you listen to like the White Stripes.


And so yeah. I don't know.


Bollani, they're. He's good. Are you like, I love Joni Mitchell. No, I don't. I actually really? Yes. I really never really got it. Really?


Yeah. Well, it's like kind of like I was going to say nails on a chalkboard, but I didn't.


You mean it's a little twinky. It's a little feel nice in my ears.


Sting. You might have the Macedonian thing too. I understand that. She's like an incredibly talented person. Do you like Asmar? Do I like it? Yeah, like you can you listen to some ah, I've never seek it out. You've never watched some.


Ah I've seen like fucking w magazines like I like. And you don't like it.


What's to like, look, what's to dislike, what's to like, he's just like this person. Yeah, it's nothing.


Yeah, existential crisis fully devilry jumbotron.


What, you're leaving here with the mayor. So you're. Yeah. You're a chronic. Yeah. This is this is this is exactly how your brain should be. You just have to your brain is a wild Mustang and you can't train it. You're never is. You're never going to train it. You're going to have to get it a corral. You're going to get it like a four acre corral and let the Mustang be a Mustang. Yeah, yeah.


I mean, I'm going to have my dad pay for the crowd. That's your shit. And the Mustang. That's yours. No one's I don't think about your dad when I talk to you.


No offense. No, thank you. I'm a fan and I don't I don't think about him. You're thinking about him. Don't drag me into that.


Oh, I'm sorry. Don't drag.


Sorry I wasn't doing that. It was for them.


I use them on you that I know you what I'm saying, it's like so it's like it's like what are the things that we carry that we're making people I'm perpetuating?


What are we perpetuating? It's such an odd thing.


You're perpetuating the sexism. Totally. Yeah. Well, I mean, I know I am.


Well because you brought it up again. Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah.


Because I think that I'm always so afraid. Like I had a journalist accuse me of being sexist and it is it hit me in a way that is like. I never recovered. Like, I never recovered. I'm always playing defense. Also, if I'm late because of traffic, I'll send a picture of the traffic because I think that the person I'm sending it to thinks I'm like, I am sorry, traffic's crazy.


And I'll send a photo of the traffic because that's how bad. And they're like, OK, I'm friends with a pathological liar.


And once they told me they were in the hospital so they couldn't hang out. And I literally was like, send me a picture of the hospital.


Oh, no.


Then they did. Then they were in the hospital. So who's the now?


This is yeah.


It's a it's a I'll never question anyone. They'll be like I literally like a dog. Talk to me last night.


They did. Yeah. Because you want to. Yeah. I think we're also conflict avoid unless it's with ourselves. Oh.


Like I'd rather just like go in like the bad improv of like I'd rather just go you have a me avoiding conflicts which I'm constantly doing just gets me into more conflicts honestly.


Yeah. But I think there's something like in the there's something comfortable about the struggle. Yeah. Like I go on vacation and I'm just miserable. I was so scared once.


I like this is like a conflict that you avoid and then you get into another conflict. Is that you.


I like once my friends would like something you and your friend do something that they're making fun of.


Oh, and then you're so scared of getting hacked that you you're like, oh, I'm going to leave it to the I I'll make fun of someone that's no good to admit to the person I'm making fun of. Yeah. So everyone does that because it's a I've done it to like a powerful but it's a product of technology.


We're just like not acclimated to yet again our brains don't like process it.


So anyways I was so scared of my DMS getting hacked so I refused to like make fun of them on D.M. And then I went to go text them instead. So our conversation, we private in our tax and then I texted it to the person.


So like something I was avoiding, you know, out of anxiety, I ended up putting myself in a situation that was like and then the last one much worse.


Why do I have to. Oh, I did a I did a Benton. It's like a six hour saga.


There was someone on Twitter that's like a Twitter person that we made fun of, like in a video reading their, like, apology or like their statement about something making fun of them and sent it to them.


And as soon as I realized it was sending, I threw my phone to the place in my backyard that there's no wi fi like across a wall and that I ran upstairs and called this like it person from my phone.


You can't send a text, which is a wild's. I got in trouble for saying that on Election Day it was OK, this might not be the time to address this, but can we work on sending tax or something? Like I feel like this is the issue of the day or something because you can't. And and then we had to go you had to go into my iCloud and unscented.


It was like a nightmare. But they could do that. No, the person luckily had a Samsung with the file was too big, but it still came up with the little minus sign and I deleted it and the person never got it.


But that's what's so sad about all of these things, like Chris Evans, like with his, you know, posting his dick by accident. Yeah.


It's just like we don't know how it works. And instead of, like, publicly humiliating someone for a mistake like any of us, I don't know if any of us could've made that mistake. But, yeah, probably a lot of us. It's just like so fucked up.


People care that much like I think people like I think people are more forgiving than we are. I think most people don't care.


Like, when I went to I was like really surprised that like a bunch of, like, influencers didn't start posting your tits and being like hashtag justice for Chris Evans. And I thought that was a really good opportunity.


But I was like, no one knows who Chris Evans is. They're like, that's a guy from Superman. He's Captain America, whatever.




Everyone knows who he is and now everyone knows his dick.


And that's going to go everyone. Does my aunt in Virginia, have you guys did you guys see Chris Evans? Yeah, they did, but that's not everyone, you know. I'm saying it's like it's like no one we all know.


We've all seen it like it's fine now, OK? Yeah, we are exactly how we should be. There was a tape associated with our president we haven't talked about in three years.


We're talking about right now. No, I'm just saying, like everyone remembers, the one really is you're not thinking about it all the time, but it's associated.


Yeah, it's the speech isn't harmed. No, he's fine. Yeah. And he made it into a good cause. The point is, I don't know that we're all susceptible to these.


Yeah, but you really Asias happen though. You should be like the shoe drop. Dude, you had yours don't you think.


I fucking hope so.


If that wasn't it. I think, I think you're like out of the woods. But I think you're like like I don't know. I felt like this whole book release, I was like, this is like, yeah, I know. Because the Quickparts how they make money like P David's was like, I don't even know why P Davidson. So it's such a interesting thing, you know.


But yeah, it was just like well like yeah yeah. It's the same for me. It's like why is anyone seeing my name. And it's like oh because blank and then.


Yeah yeah. But I don't know, maybe because I'm a girl and I'm like I'm interested in what a twenty six year old's view on the world is like. That's my personal preference is like oh what the fuck are they going through.


Like are they going through the same shit, you know. Like yeah but I just think that like there's this, there's this charity I work with called Biegel Freedom Project. That is not a scam. If you want to donate your money to them, it's the Beagle's are the most tested on animals in labs because they're the most forgiving breed. I know. I know.


I know. So that's payback for that. I knew I'd do this.


I know those are so they like, but, you know, shedding their eyes and they're up and they're in the crate and they're in a crate. And I once I you see it like it becomes a beast, because my whole life since, you know, I see one image and you're like, so we get a big freedom, get some out of the and in a crate for like eight years during going thing.


And they just go in circles and then we release them. They come from Korea and universities. A lot of universities test on fucking dogs like no one talks about it and they walk. We put them on grass for the first time. You know, they've got like numbers tattooed on their ears. And there is these lab dogs that are all little janky. And they go out on the grass and they run back into the crate like it's just like and we're like, what do you doing?


Why don't you? And then they'll go out on the grass and they'll find a corner and they'll just go in circles in the corner. And you're just like, why would run out like that? Like and then there's a moment where you see them realize and it's like, I'll send you to video, you'll cry ever, ever, ever.


But it's like I think that a lot of times we went, are we in that moment where we're like still operating as if we're in old circumstances, like like I'm looking at you like you're like this beagle that, like, came out of the cage and you're just like, I know what the cage. It's like the devil, you know, I know what the cage is like out here.


Everyone's like, come on, girl. Everyone's like, we've all been humiliated.


Yeah. Everyone's just like or like you lucky you that yours is over like ours is on the way, you know what I mean.


So it's it's it's like, oh, please don't make sounds on this little thing on the table for your little neuros.


So like that I say that is someone that thought I think a lot like you for a really long time, you know. I know you want me to talk right now. No, I don't. I'm fascinated by how you still blab when you're when it's quiet. I do. Must be a nightmare. I'm just I'm hungry. OK. What do you eat? Why do you think I'm a nightmare today?


I am because you just like, stared if you just stare at a man and laugh at his jokes so they'll kill like, I think actually a man is going to kill you for nothing.


That's actually what's going to happen. Anything else?


Was I OK? Like, was this fine? I mean, I'm really psyched you are.


I feel like it started off a little weird. I was just like the first I was a little weird in the beginning.


So I was I honestly talked to this about with me on it and everything. But like, I have a tendency sometimes I have like two paths I can take. One is like be funny.


And that's like so easy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.


I think I yeah it's so but and you always hate yourself that everyone would say she's trying too hard and you would leave here feeling so I feel like we're like in bed hanging out. Yeah. Like if you left your like with the having tap dance all the time you would be so like consumers.


But instead of choosing the path there's like I literally have the choice of like being funny or like being dark and like, like being quiet.


And I like I did that by accident for like but that's like oddly I never I hate saying this especially to women, but that's like the braver choice. Sincere is the new funny theory isn't even funny respect to the new dude, I am telling you, vulnerable. Isn't it funny?


Funny like I can go on YouTube and watch someone jump in a pool in the water, like I can watch. That's my that's my sense of humor. I go watch Mollenkopf whenever I want, but like funny is like.


Yeah, I mean I hope we literally talked about anything that like because that's also it's like I was talking to Tim Dillon about this last night of like this pandemic kind of broke comedy or the Internet kind of broke comedy because we realized that comedians aren't the only people that are funny. Like some of the funniest memes is like by some teenager in Pensacola, Florida. And you're like, oh, people are funny. Yeah, like people comedians aren't the only people that are funny.


Like when I go to, like, weddings of like my high school friends, I'm like, dude, this person is so much fun.


This guy from accounting like is so funny.


Like you are so much funnier than most and you're like a better person because you're like not even trying to do it and you're just like doing it for the love of the game you're doing for ten people who are just like a funny person, are not trying to capitalize on or demanding that.


Everybody shut up for an hour. Hey, you.


And then, like, how dare you give me notes on my life, like it's just like it's just like, oh no, I just truly want to make people. Yeah, there's no strings.


I don't need, like, a website for it.


There's like I'm just going to give you a little joy. Do it. Yeah. So it's like I feel like. You know, with like Twitter, Instagram and Meems and stuff, it's like to listen to a podcast, it's just like joke, joke, joke, joke is like a little bit like what my favorite podcast is listening to Bill Burr.


Just try to figure out how to plug in his computer.


So it's him just being like, oh, fuck. And I have the wrong charger.


And it's just like my daughter walks in and he's like, Honey, I'm working anyway. I can't say anything I want to say because you're here.


Like it's just like so soothing to me because if you're being funny, then the listener now has to judge how well you're doing and they have to work. Then they have to go like, oh, that was not funny. That was funny. If you don't, you're just hanging out together, too. I mean, I'm like, what can they get us on? Yeah, you'll be surprised. No way you'll find if you look for, you'll find it.


Yeah, you'll find what you're looking for. But also like people I said this a tailored elements and ones, because when she started getting really successful, she was like, people don't like me. Like they didn't like you before.


Yeah. They just know for a different reason they wouldn't have liked if you didn't have a special. They wouldn't like the same people that don't like you for being successful like you when you were. You know, like it's just like you can't there's always going to be people that need to judge and dislike you for their own anesthetic purposes, think about when you don't like someone or like when you judge someone, you're just like a loner to do that. So, yeah, it's also harder on them.


You know, when you criticize someone or gossip about someone, then you feel like shit after, oh, whenever someone talk shit about me now, I'm like, Oh, I feel so bad for you now that you have to feel bad for beating up on someone that's already been dragged.


You forget, it's like it's just like hope that worked. Like, I wish them the best.


You're like stunning. It's kind of crazy. That's really wild that you just said that because I have snot. No. You believe like I look like a doll. That's very sweet. That's the doll. She's in the corner. I know all about her.


But no, I'm thinking the same thing about you. But I don't want to overcomplicate you because I know it's going to make you like Susan. Thank you. But I also have snot dripping down my face and you don't sinus infection. So I've been like white, like a crackhead. No, you look amazing. That's very nice. You. That's very charming. Really pretty in person. I agree. I'm not going to disagree with you. I'm an asshole.


I remember Rundfunk said once. I had posted a picture of me and him like it was like a selfie or something of us and like New York and I posted it and I have a crooked front tooth that I've done Invisalign on a bunch of times. But I just can't like Kickett and a lot of photos on red carpets. That looks like I'm missing a tooth. It's. I know. It's it's. Manu, it's so small, but to me it's giant, and I put in the photo like, Oh me and Rundfunk punches in the gym and here's me and the best angle of my crooked tooth.


And he called me. A couple hours later, it was like, hey, like I would want to know this and I'm like, don't shoot the messenger, but like two of my girlfriends just unfollowed you because they're like. Think you're pretty and you insulting your appearance is like, well, then you. I mean, I was just saying that, like, I because I have an essay in here about how I don't think I'm attractive and it's like you're the Megan Fox of your day.


That's ridiculous. I know that's ridiculous. But it is like your experience. Like this is like what. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How I feel. Yeah.


But feelings are facts. You just my thing is just like don't be a climate like B don't. You're a flat earth are like if you don't think you're pretty like that's you're also the earth is flat also like you know what I mean. Just get into this math. It's you also you're not you don't get to decide because you're not your consumer. You don't get to decide if you're pretty. That's my decision to make. So if you think I'm pretty, that's your truth.


I don't like it's none of my business. Not as much truth. Yeah.




So you delete anything that, you know, talking like that.


You like it. It's a shame spiral. Yeah. I always add these very awkwardly. Is there anything else you want to do or say or do you want to just redo it tomorrow.


Let's just reduce everything I take.


I say like what I need to fill the fuck. That's the one that got Alvera. Do you like do you like to eat an entire meal and then get fucked.


Like I just I don't understand the controversy.


Like truly, if you can find me someone who can eat an entire huge meal and then enjoy getting fucked, like I will like submit to the criticism.


I don't know what the criticism is. I it's I don't know what sex or like food is like. I don't get it.


Like they literally can go finitely. If I know I'm having sex I, I like won't have dinner.


It's not that I won't have dinner, so I'm not going to eat until I feel sick, which is like, you know, like you have a lasagna.


I'm not going to stuff myself to the brim. Yes.


Because guys are so into butts now too that it's like, you know like there's going to be a finger or something. And I'm like, I have to make sure my intestines are like clear cleared out smoothie smoothie at like four thirty and then like I'll pick it up. OK, here's a question.


If you eat a huge meal, would you want to exercise after. Well, I have I used to be an exerciser exec, I would eat and then work out, but that was just me because I that was my eating disorder.


Would you like to jump up and down? No, it's no, it's fine. It's seven minutes.


You're right. Would you like to do jumping jacks? You got too much and you deserved it. And people don't like it.


Why not feel bad for them that they care because it's just like I. I know you guys are too full to fuck. Looks like you're trying to embarrass him, but it's like I know that you are hell, but it's like you're you're like a Tori Amos.


You're like a fucking Fiona Apple, like you're like a fucking firestarter.


You're a provocateur like you can't you you you know, it's taken me so long to accept this about myself, but you can't have it both ways. You can't be an original thinker that says shit that no one has the balls to say and then expect everyone to not be shocked at what we do. We shock people. And then when we shock them, we're like, what do you think about my shot people for a living? I did my job and you're you're like, wouldn't you rather that?


What can you imagine? You shocked by that? Oh, this. How about people going to heard this before. Well, too full to fuck. I talk about that all the time. The reason you're special is you say the shit nobody says and this is just like a tax. It's just like a little bit of tax that you have to pay. This is that you're in the pocket.


You're getting the exact reaction you should get for the trajectory you want. No, I'm saying fuck, yeah, thank you. Like, if no one was shocked, you would be boring as fuck and everyone no one would buy the book because there'd be nothing in here that was going to say something I've never heard before. Am I wrong? You you have to, like, accept the shrapnel that comes with being outspoken and and like. Being shocking is that you're going to shock some people and it's good, yeah.


And it's not real controversy, it's just people that are addicted to self righteous indignation and like, let them have it. They're just they're just helping you sell your book. They're like they're your publicists. They're helping you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Yeah, like 10 more people by my book because you tweeted that you hated it. Thank you so much. People just Google me just like they take the compliment and move on.


Yeah, thank you for pretending like you like like to eat an entire bowl of pasta.


It's just like I can't I mean, I think that's someone that's, you know, when you're like. Arguing with someone like what a guy's like, you're being a bitch, I'm like, did you just call me a bitch? Like I said, you were being a bitch. It's like you got me on a formality. Like you just want to fight. That's someone that agrees with you, but they just want to fight. Yeah, I'm saying you see what guys like in bars just start fighting each other.


I also think a sports one way. When sports went away, everyone's need to fucking watch people to fight and cheer people on and fuck you and you suck like that, there was like this huge void left and then everybody had to just like go on the Internet and just do sports on the Internet. Like sports on Twitter. Yeah, love Twitter, sports. Well, yeah, because it's like we're role.


I mean, it's like the Roman Coliseum, it's like we used to humans used to go watch people get torn apart by lions slowly for hours. And they'd pay money. They'd go to the town square and watch people be hanged like we have a very deep need to watch people be humiliated. Yeah, well, it worked for everyone.


Congratulations. OK, don't ride elephants do all the things that you're supposed to do. We're going to both go spiral and maybe this episode will air.




Thank you, guys. Love your life to peace, Rubab.