Transcribe your podcast

Did you did it? Emily and I just realized that we're wearing the same clothes we wore last week.


Not me on the podcast. I'm fully wearing the same shirt. I still am.


I and Emily still dresses like Marcel Marceau, which is a very highbrow reference for this podcast.


But we have Christa Stephano here today. It's so funny.


We had such a good time, so cute.


And you guys are gonna love this episode because I hardly get a word in edgewise.


It's very refreshing. I was refreshed. I only know after once only NERV started me once mentioned. This is his second episode where he is out.


I was wearing the sweater to cover up the fact that I'm in the same shirt last week, but I'm hot, so I'm not going to take this off. And you know what? It's a long journey for you.


I'm green. I wear the same shirt and she doesn't wash it. Yeah, I don't. I'm not going to. It smells like a horse. Help, help. Kill the. It's like a scratch and sniff shirt. Benton is still out. He had a procedure and I say we call him to see if he's I believe it's ending now ish.


Oh, let's should we call him and see. Because I think he's on a lot of painkillers. Oh this will be a treat. Oh Benson, you're on the pod.


Are you are you OK?


Yeah. Oh he looks great. You look good. But I look I look like very cute.


Do you want to tell everyone what you are at the doctor for weight. You're on drugs, right? Weight. What drugs are you on before you.


And can you get any extra. Is it legal for me to record you while you're on drugs?


This feels like a yes to me and a little cut when they were little. Are they the ones you give me before I go night night?


No, they were. Oh, my God. That's what I said. The same joke. But they didn't like your face. Tell me the way my four year old niece FaceTime me, which is just your forehead.


He was very, very skinny. So I was offended. And then wait.


You need to tell you, Benton, you need to tell people why you're at the doctor. Listen, I said I said I bet you want to continue. And he said, no, I don't believe him.


OK, did anything else happen to meet other friends?


Young man? She was my caretaker and she was nice, OK.


And available to take me on a daily probably.


I'm sitting in this room right now waiting on someone to come pick me up. Do you hope someone shows up?


Wait, is someone someone I bring you up to want us to send you to her pool. No, nobody's coming to get me.


No, if it's coming to get you. OK, are you do I need to text her, make sure she gets there or knows where you want? I sent her a secret message. Do you, do you do you want to see my my jar of blood?


You need to tell people what I do. Yes. Jar blood. Yes, please. OK, I have them.


I have them record some of that. What was actually happening.


Oh OK. Hot content alert this.


I don't know what came up with that, but I'm a fan. You're your fan. What do you do if you do that. I'm on a plane. We're Choper. Pretty much anything. Yeah I'm no I'm on the internet. Very tiny travel. That's Seefried. Gentlemen, I'm going to thank you. Get for like five. Thank you. Yeah. I have a clear plastic helmet. Yeah. I'm going to wear straw around my neck. Where was the straw.


Tucker, thank you very, very definitely, Tucker, by very Nancy from the crowd fenthion, a hot giveaway.


Oh my God, if you subscribe to the YouTube, you get some of Benton's blood.


Let's see the jar. I have to wear this thing on my head for two weeks. Can we see?


Can you let it out a little more? There you get a man to hold the. Oh, my gosh, Ben, you. You look like a penis. Oh, you look like a bobsled team. You look like you're on a bobsled team.


Went in for two weeks or two days, 48 hours. And then I through as much as I can for two.


Should we be dazzled with bop bop on the side? Be fun, fun, fun. Oh, they told me to where they said they said wear a black hoodie that you don't care to ruin. I wear this.


We want the whiskey ginger one bit. Why. Why are you going to ruin it. Because it's fantasy and Tinos merchantable.


Like think what is going to like I'm liquid at your face is leaking. He still hasn't told you it.


OK, ok. What do you want to share what you did or why you brought that up.


You'll be able to see, you know, if they don't see that something's wrong, then you're going to get your money back.


Let's see the jar. So I think you just did a little neck sculpt. I think that's kind of what it's called.


Yeah, they sculpted my neck. Hmm. OK, well, it was like, OK, you just whispered into a microphone, Venton.


I know. Well, we love you. We just did. We just did a little open and we're just fumbling through here.


I'm waiting for the fury of YouTube comments asking where you are going now.


They no surprise. Are you what drugs did you go? Do you know, with a blue one.


I know, but are they sending you home with an angel asking for a friend they are sending to be home with sound or send me home with an antibiotic. Oh, why should I be home with fancy ibuprofen. Oh, that could make a good dinner with with this medicine that I'm only supposed to take if I'm in real pain.


OK, that one to the one that I take daily and also Neosporin.


Oh that's. I feel like we have got enough for you.


Wait, what is the one that is only in real pain. Is it Percocet, Vicodin. I want to have it. Do you have an opioid crisis on our hands. It has a little bit of it in there, but I don't I've never taken any kind of pain medication, so I mean, either. Knew that I would 100 percent become addicted to it, I would never I would never take a drug to no longer the doctor said that he went to school in Canada and I didn't want my dad's a cripple.


That is classic Benton. At first I was like, I don't want to tell anybody what I had done, but let me tell you, a secret is nobody's business. I can do whatever I want. That's true.


I want to get a chin implant. Can you take what was taken from you and put it in?


You know, I have a weak chin alliance. I asked if I could donate it. But you can't you can't give somebody the farm. Why not? Where's the jar?


Where's your jar of blood? So we can put it on eBay. Yeah, it's in another room. Where's your jar of blood?


I want to send it to Armie Hammer. It's not just play.


It's also fat. Oh, really, really delicious. If you, like, put a pan first.


And, you know, Phantom, we're not going to eat your neck. How you're lost. They gave me a they gave me a cliff bar.


Oh, great. Emily has had one of those in her purse. You're a lucky dog because I'm starting right now with being healthy. Oh, sure.


Yes, yeah. Yeah, I like that. That's good. Great. All right. Well, we love you. Is there anything else you want to say to the pod fans?


Yeah, I want to say that we have a new merch coming out and you should, like, comment and subscribe and that that everyone deserves to be happy. Yeah, I like this profile, could you to take this daily, this feels like a good match for you. Any laughing gas to. That was dope.


Oh, were you under like did you go under anesthesia? No, I was awake in the video with her actually doing the procedure on me that I happened to be on. I'm talking.


Oh, I was doing a type five.


I hope you're recording standup special secret. I was telling them I was like, you should listen to a podcast. I made them all subscribe on their phone.


Oh, my God, that is true. He's a company member not hustling now.


That's called always corporation.


ABC always be closing.


All right, well, don't don't allow to touch your fatchett it my cheek, that's fine. Nothing happened there. And can you sleep on your back? I like to sleep like upside down, hanging like a bat. I didn't sleep however I want it. Oh, like they didn't put the bat anywhere. Mm hmm. There was thirty three. Six a gallon of gas? No, I could hear it, it sounded like this.


Oh, that is disgusting.


I mean, good for you. Who needs Roman when you can just hear sounds like that from Venton, who needs medication that sponsors our podcast. When you can just listen to those sounds.


I mean, the medication, basically, I just go right up to the peanuts and I go, oh, I'll bring that sexy. Can we fully get bent into drug addiction, whatever this drug is? I kind of want this to be a weekly thing.


I would have an addiction I have to live with. It's a personality.


Me either these last two months have been smooth sailing or this is annoying or like I'm finally off weed, edibles and drugs and now you're on drugs.


It's like we're just we're like yin and yang. There will always be reason to tune in.


There'll always be someone off the rails on this podcast. I think you look like you're a full blonde right now because your little Red Riding Hood cap is covering the rest of your hair in that.


Q We see you.


Yeah, we see. This is this is it. I'm going to just continue wearing this, honestly. Yeah, I believe you will.


It's very Betty Davis. Oh, in the dark, the dark years.


Grey Gardens, Grey Gardens weekend. Oh, it feels like your neck is leaking. Yeah, that seems OK. Maybe. Doris, are you supposed to talk.


Oh yeah. You must be talking. Oh. What do you do.


I'm allergic to. Can you continue life as normal.


Can you eat. They gave me a Gatorade. Oh, well, lucky you remember Gatorade gum, you know, good, you couldn't chew gum.


I bet I'm gross, but it's like my neck is. Do you think I'm like, oh, God, you guys like gross.


He's trying to show us a jar of fat Gatorade gums where we draw the line.


We we miss you. We love you. Do you need anything? No, you'll probably go home and sleep, right? Yeah, I'll probably start a project. Oh, there's a podcast tell you honestly about it. If you could bang out like ten episodes of a podcast right now on these drugs.


It won't be the biggest podcasts on the planet.


I do think we should do some episode, the podcast where we all do different drugs or shots or something. Oh, I'd love that. We should do like one episodes, the shots, one episodes where we get stoned, one episode and do mushrooms got shot ayahuasca when they take it, you know.


Did you know this is the secret. Did you know.


None of what we're saying is a secret. It's being broadcast nationally at the moment. You talk to friends, you know that when they take off your party, you can't get the fat back or they took it out of.


Oh, I did, because a lot of people take fat from their legs and put it in their butts. But why would you want to take it out and put it back in the same place? That's an indecisive person.


No, no, no. My dumb ass was like, why everyone is fat neck again. Oh yeah.


And the answer is no, you don't put it in the freezer like a wedding cake and a year later take it out on the anniversary. I actually have put it in my cheek. So they said, no, no, your cheeks are nice.


No, no, no, no. Yeah, not in a good way. Oh, my God. His eyes. But you can take it out. I know people take it out of their thighs and put it in their butts and their chins.


Emily, I know we I thought, is it fat?


I thought it was like a device you put in your chin. I don't know. But you can get fat there too. Like I told you this. One hundred.


Sorry, do we have ample video of you under anesthesia to share with the fans? Oh, we have a lot of graphic content not suitable for. We're ok. OK, good. Because I got fully naked.


We got not only fans is going to get fired up soon. This isn't only fans where I only have Satyamev, there's probably a kink for that.


I mean, everyone's there's a kink for everything I'm learning. And you see it is a glaring for for the people on YouTube. This is just kind of also turned into a we are like asimilar today.


Should I read them. Yeah. Try to read my today. It's been two and let's see what you got. I can't see how well I can't read and read.


OK, do you see that make it a little bigger than it says, April 15th or 17th. Spokane, Washington Oh holiday.


Thank you.


For more information about the winter coming from. OK, great. That wasn't on there. So, like in my heart, he's happy.


No, it's just like, so sweet. Oh, we I mean, go check on him later. I, I think we should end this back as soon because I need to head on over there. Yeah. And make sure he got home OK. Yeah. Hey that little jar of blue pills makes me very nervous. Right. And jealous. Yeah. Michael Jackson's doctor is in jail. Right.


Just confirming he's doing next. Just confirming he's not still on the loose doing procedures.


Oh, I got to check my workers comp situation. What disability? Cause I know you guys think that was a funny call, but I feel like an accomplice. Should we call his mom for sure.


And my lawyer. So Benton will be back next week. Well, we are now going to shut up.


I thought you said R.P. and Spinous.


The way your brain turns are harmless things into catastrophes is an art. Chris DiStefano, you guys know him. Crazy Chaos, Christie Chaos podcast. Hey, babe. He used to do History Hyena's with Yannis Pappas, which is on Patreon. He is on on the best.


He's so fucking funny and smart and charming and don't usually don't his jazy with his girlfriend.


I would not cross her. I mean cute like a brother. Yeah. Platonic. Platonic. He's so great.


We did actually an outdoor show the other day together in L.A. and God he was fucking funny.


His standup is so funny. Even after a year of us not doing standup, we're all rusty. Yeah. He got up there. I was like, shit, I better pull it together.


And he was just being so funny. He could throw in these little asides like he's doing these really smart sort of bits about, you know, what culture and, you know, and then he'll just throw in like, I don't really this made me laugh so hard. He was like, I don't really have I don't really pick a side like with politics. I sort of agree with this person and this person. I'm Christie flipflops.


Like, I just it's such a dumb like it just made me laugh so hard for some reason. Christie flip flops, Christie flip flops coming right up. Like subscribe all the things. I'm really embarrassed about saying that, like what am I what am I, a tock star like subscribe smash the like button.


Hit me in the comments below. I am. So I was watching one of these YouTube and they go like in their stories they're like I just posted on Instagram, go like it and comment below, like I just can't do that.


Go follow the act. Good for you podcast.


I'm like you do what you want to do on your time, but also like unsubscribed. I'm not going to chase you. I'm not going to. Oh yeah. No I am. I will. That's what I'm here for. I'm not desperate for attention. I'm desperate like unsubscribe or not. Frankly, I'll be fine either way.


But do I'm enough today. It's when you come here I come. You guys can easily find these, but every time I talk about today, you're like, where's the tornadoes?


We're so confused. Like, look, it's confusing. I'm waiting for there to be a billboard in your town to like, where do you call me Satcom? We know where these dates are. You know her name, easy to find. Spokane, Washington, April 15 to 17. San Antonio, Texas, April 22nd to 24th. Bray, California, May 7th and 8th. Houston, Texas, May 13th or fifteen.


Dallas, Texas, May 20th to twenty six to Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas. I'm not I don't have dates there. You're going to confuse everybody.


Sorry, nerd above about that. Between do you don't know one state. What was it. No. What was the one about the above.


About because after against among around at before if that was a private school education.


I thought you were talking about these are notes called Turits. What is the the thing about not one of those things at adjective. No preposition.


I'm just Googling grammar. What is grammar. What is grammar like. Did you mean Betty Ford grammar.


What is it. It's a when something's on top. What does that mean. Preposition on preposition the preposition song.


I didn't, I'm not, I don't know that one. Well sing it and I'll shazam it. Here we go. Did I get it even close to right.


I can't believe this is a song that you remember nine hundred and sixty six thousand views. I don't know, there were so many prepositions when Bendat finds out the direction this podcast is going when he's not here.


It's going to be livid. I'm fired. Here it is.


Look behind below, beneath the sky, between before me on my and from up on over until you.


Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Florida. It's so weird how that comes back so fast.


Yeah, but I get mixed up in the middle. Yeah. New Year's didn't really come back but the first couple did. We love you guys. Do not ride elephants. Enjoy your life. We love you. I love doing this podcast. Me too. OK, Whitney Cummings Dotcom. We are coming to a city near you and you should know that. Spokane, San Antonio, April 22nd. Twenty to the 24th. Brayer, California, May 17th to no May seven to eight, maybe slideshows and go to the 17th.


If you guys actually listen to this or have gotten this far, May 20th or 22nd, I'm in Dallas, then Tempe. I'm in Tempe. I'm in.


You're all over the place. I know.


Tempe, Arizona. Baltimore, Mugabes, Baltimore, Maryland. I love you guys. Text me eight one eight two three nine seven five to seven. I'm doing I'm back to doing daily birthday messages now that I'm out of the car, now that I'm out of the covid fog.


So if you text that number every morning, every morning or I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If it's your birthday, you will get a message for me. Follow us on Instagram at Good for You podcast.


I love doing this.


I read your comments guys. I'm working on the interrupting. I'm working on the all the things. Oh excuse me.


Working on turning her phone off during recording.


I have a call from Beverly Hills. Excuse me. Excuse me. I got to go take this. Someone wants me to be in the pictures. I just walked in. I look like.


I look like the internet thinks I look you look great. Thank you. But thank you so much. I like it. Thank you so much. It's very antifa Trigg's.


You can tell when you look like you're about to storm the capital. I know.


So I do need a little bit of lip gloss. Name Chris DiStefano.


Yeah. Such a fan.


Are you kidding me? I'm a fan. I agree. Love it does everyone was pronounce your name. Yeah. Sonoi. It's whatever though. Do you just have to make that your name now.


Yeah. Well it's like kind of whatever people say I just go with whatever pronunciation they want.


It's interesting because it's kind of the one word you can pronounce no one else can pronounce. Right, exactly.


It is a little bit ironic even in my own family, like my father says DeStefano and his sister says DeStefano. Some people smell spell it with a capital s.


I spell it with a small S because I'm just like emotionally off issues, but I'm just not confident.


Yeah, but yeah, I don't know. I mean, whatever you want to call me, I don't care.


Are we friends? Thousand percent. We are absolutely friends, new friends, new friends, new friends. I don't look like you're convincing yourself right now.


I'm legit friends with you. We are. I swear to God, I'm. I'm friends with you. And I'm the type of person I'll be friends with you no matter what you do to me. I could just get over it very quickly. I don't hold on to anything. Really. Yeah, I'm just not that person.


OK, what. Walk me through that. What.


Like, I just don't I just don't get bent out of shape around for anybody. Like whatever people want to do. I'm just cool. My whole goal in life is just to be like happy every day. Yeah. And just like push my kid in a swing.


So we're new friends, new friends. But I feel very close to you.


I feel very close to you, too. I feel very close to Benton because Benton has been damning me for how long?


Benton for ever since Lucy told me to stay here.


Lucy from Nashville, Zaneis. We Love Lucy. That's how Benton I met. That's where we met. Yeah.


And if Benton I said before, if Benton ever wants to, you know, come at me in two years, I have all the messages he sent me, screenshot it. And in my lawyer's office.


Yeah. You have a lawyer, aren't you? Do I got to shut out? Jeff Cohen from The Goonies., not even dotcom.


Why did you stop history? Hanus No.


Wellby just because just because we wanted to do like other things. Like we I was like, you know, like we just we're talking about history. Like there's a lot of times where, like, you know, Yoni's trying to be honest. Papis wanted to do other things. And I want to talk about other things. I mean, like, oh, like we did this podcast. It was so fun for three years. Let's just go support each other and doing the other way.


So that's that's the only reason why we sort of you know, you're done like how are you? Like, we like I think like I think like we just kind of got to because we're friends first. That's the thing. We were friends first. We were like, you know, like sometimes like, you know, we're only been like meeting once a week. Just do the podcast. We don't talk anymore. Like, dude, like, you know, it's just a podcast.


It's like money is like whatever dude like, well we'll let's be friends. It was failing is what you're saying. Yeah.


No, actually I was doing pretty good. I did great. I was supposed to be on it and then we know we were about to be on, I was about to do it the day the big hit in New York when that Pandi hit it.


Yeah. You did not. And you flaked. I didn't fucking flake. No you pussy. Because I was like New Yorkers. I'm like. An L.A. snowflake idiot. I'm in New York, I'm like, fuck, and I'll go to the podcast right now, everyone's like, get out of New York. I'm like I said yes to this podcast.


Oh, it wasn't me. Our producer, the producer was being. They were scared of Colbert. Yeah. Yeah. Everybody who was scared of Colbert in my life, they all got it. But the ones who just came out were like, listen, I'm going raw dog. It's like I kind of feel like covid showed up to my body and like, there's too many viruses here. We've already attacked this body enough.


This is too crowded, too crowded. But but it was a good you know, it was a great show.


And like, you know, like, yeah, it's it's just interesting to know when to call something. I'm fascinated by that I can cancel before I it's my idea to get something. Yeah. But it's that's an interesting, very mature adult thing to go, you know, like we had a good run. Yeah.


And like people you know. And that's the thing. Like another lesson I learned, like with the Internet, like people will create all their own narratives. And it's just like it's been like a good lesson for me to just like let it go and like one ear and out the other. Because the things some people are saying about why we ended, I'm like, dude, that is so not true. But I just want whatever I kind of feel like.


I mean, I don't owe anybody. Janice and I both don't owe anybody an explanation of why it ended, y'know, why it ended. And we just happy that the fans we got happy people liked it.


I'm kind of obsessed with it. Used to be a physical therapist. I did.


I was I technically. Well, I actually still am now. I wasn't. And now my license got reinstated during the pandemic. Governor Cuomo from New York reinstated everybody but Cuomo, he never really people hated him.


They hated him forever. They hated it. So they voted for him because nobody votes in New York. We didn't know that. Now people would know. But like, I don't know, fucking I never voted for the governor. I mean, Mayor de Blasio in New York, people hate him even more.


Chris doesn't vote. I don't vote, but I legally can. I'm not a felon as some of you idiots may think. I'm not a fan, just not interested. That's my father. My father legally can't vote. But what, Ellen? He's a felon.


But he when I was a kid, he he served prison time before I was a kid, when I was a kid for like, you know, loansharking, racketeering, all like that. He was never in the Mafia. I want to state my father was never in the mafia but never was cool enough. Yes. Never was cool. And his nickname is Tony Balls. But he never was in the Mafia, but he played like he was with those guys.


Why do you avoid being in it? And don't you kind of if you know stuff you're in?


Yeah, well, that's the thing. Like my father, the reason why I knew my dad, because at first my dad would always be like, you know, Chris, when I was a kid, like we'd go have to go visit him in prison. He would always tell me he'd be like, you know, they got the wrong guy. Like, I'm innocent. And I kind of was like, no, you're not like, you know, like your nickname is Tony Balls.


Like, I know your friends like aunt. My uncles are all like Gumby idiots.


But when there was a humongous prison sting that happened in like 2007, 2008, the FBI came in, raided and like kind of put the final nail in like the New York Italian mafia coffin. And it was a big thing on the New York Post front page of paper 107 or a hundred and five FBI gangsters rounded up. And there was all their pictures. And I remember looking at that photo on the front page of The New York Post. I was actually in graduate school at the time and I was like, wow, like ten of those guys were at my father's barbecue three weeks ago.


Like he is. He does know he was lying to me. He's not fucking human hands. Yeah.


You know what I got to say, though, but be when the Mafia was there, I know when I was a kid, we used to go to the festival and like Howard Beach, I'm like John Gotti was going to put on a party.


John Gotti would always give the kids cotton candy, if anybody. I remember one time this guy was like like was like hitting his girlfriend or his wife. These guys beat the shit out of him like the neighborhood was safe when the crime was there. Yes, I know that they do bad things.


And I know the cotton candy was laced with PCP, you know, but like I'm telling you them, whenever New York was so much safer when the Mafia was there, I almost think, like, if you weren't a store owner or listen, you listen.


You got to pay for protection, but you're protected. Here's the thing. It's like, what do you what do you want? Do you want to be protected or do you want to get Brixton?


And let me ask you question the Mafia, because I just did that podcast for one area that was about Silvio Berlusconi and in Italy. And there's an amazing book called Gomorrah. It's an investigative book by this guy and published in 2006, which documents his infiltration investigation of various areas of business and daily life in Italy in the Mafia. OK, he got he got he got no news outlets would let him promote it for like Italy just shut down in which the book gets sold.


He couldn't get an apartment. All of them say a crazy story of this guy.


Right. How does the Mafia like? Was it initially conceived as what from what I understand, to fill in the gaps that the government to provide the things the government wasn't providing?


That was the initial. It was kind of like some Robin Hood stuff initially in Sicily. And then like anything else, like like even the things that are happening in our country now, there's always an overcorrection that's just as human beings. We will always overcorrect, will always go too far, good or bad, always go too far. So yes to the Mafia. Then they started to, you know, go too far like they got when really won them off.


The only issue ever is when the Mafia started to get into drugs. That's like the old school thing. Like that was one you shouldn't have done. That's why John Gotti, when he came in and started allowing drug stuff, that's when that's when a lot of problems start to happen. It feels like. Unlike history hyena's, it feels like there's no good way for the Mafia to be like, should we just call it? No, it feels like the mob can't just stop.


Here's the thing, though. Here's I got to be honest for as much as the Mafia. I mean, listen, you know, they do their do they on the Internet, like are they texting?


Like how no mafia not gone down in the day of the dude.


I'm telling you this, mark my words because nobody knows who really created the mafia, created bitcoin, clipped out of it, clipped at that. I'm telling you, crypto the mafia created bitcoin.


Roberts is an Italian from Queens. That's who it is. That's who it is. I'm telling you what I live, Roberto, and I'll be honest with you, if with all the stuff like going on, if the Mafia was still around, we would all be vaccinated.


But, you know, you would all be getting vaccinated for two hundred cash. You get Maidana five or whatever you want, babe. That's what they say. They'd open it up. You want Johnson and Johnson. That's two fifty.


Yeah I, I, I do. Have you seen this show Your Honor I no you got to watch it.


That's with what's his face. Bryan Cranston. Yeah. And there's, there's I know Emily. It's Emily's crying. We're sobbing watching it. But there's this I don't watch. And then Whitey Bulger I'm obsessed and I do think and Rogan talks about this a lot. Him and I were talking about it and he was talking about on his podcast today. I am so attracted to dangerous man. Sure. There's also it's very tricky because the Mafia I just I mean, I'm I'm in love with men.


It's so hard to not love me. That's why I'm here.


My mother graduated from Columbia University. She's an Ivy League graduate person. And my father's nickname is Tony Bosch. I mean, what do you think? It's because my mother wanted a fling with a bad boy. Then she fucked up and now I'm here. I remember being 17 years old and kind of questioning my mom, like, why did you do this? Right. But how did you pass every test to get into Columbia? And then you failed to Tony Balls?


My my my dad could have been Elon Musk or some shit.


No, no, no, no, no. I want the guy that's killed someone. I remember when I was watching that scene in Black Mass. I don't like to admit this at all. And when he was choking Juno Temple. Oh, yeah. That's my God about this.


And you know what? I learned so much respect from my father, especially like, you know, in certain situations in my life, I'm like, oh, wow. Because my dad always had, like, the right intention but the wrong move because his whole thing was always like, hey, like, you need to protect women always. That's what it is.


I got an engagement ring for my, like, seventh birthday that I just walked around. I didn't know where it came from.


You know, now my dad is that's where the Mafia is about respect. And I remember like going into when I initially got into my co parenting situation, I remember that my father, you know, and my mother divorced when I was one, but my father always respected my mom like and always when I was a little kid was like, you always will respect your mom. You're the man of the house. I'm like, I'm legit five. But he was like, you're the man of the house.


And so so I remember one time my mother started dating this guy who was actually one of my friend's fathers. But anyway, he dumped my mom and started dating a woman who lived directly across the street like my mom's boyfriend. And my mother was heartbroken. And my father used to come pick me up for, like baseball practice or basketball practice, whatever, on Saturday mornings. And one time my mom, he comes upstairs and my mom is like sitting looking out the window across the street to seeing if, like, her ex-boyfriend is going into this woman's house who lives across the street.


And she was like crying. And I was playing video games in my room because I was just like a snotty teenager. And my father comes into my room, he goes, what's up? What's your mother crying? And I'm like, well, that guy that she was dating, he, you know, he dumped her. Now he's dating the woman across the street. And he was like, you're going to do something about that. I was like, I'm 14.


Like, what? What do you want to do about it? Like, I have psoriasis, I've Proactiv, I wild acne.


I'm going to pop a pimple on his lip. I can't do anything, dad.


I'm a child.


And so my dad goes, I swear to God, he goes, don't leave the room. I'm going to go get. And he said like this. He went, exactly. This goes I'm going to go get bagels. I was like, OK, you just did that, telling me not to leave. Now I'm 100 percent going to leave. So I start to creep down the stairs like two minutes later. I swear to God, because my mother's looking out the window.


She starts screaming out the window.


She's like, Tony, Tony, stop. You're going to kill him.


My dad, I swear to God, was beating the shit out of this guy. His name is Brian across the street beating him. I he comes walking back. It kind of felt like in Goodfellas. Like white. Yeah. Like when Ray Liotta comes back, he's like, hide the gun, Karen.


I felt like Karen. I was like, what do I do? You know? And he's coming back. I swear to God, he's got like blood on his chin and blood on top of his shirt. And he goes, That was your job. That was your job. And I'm like, again, dad, I have psoriasis.


And now it's flaring up because you've just tip my emotions. So now I have an itchy smell. My mother's crying, my dad. And then my you had all the tools you need to rip off your head here. Just stop a mother. Yeah, but my.


And then I remember well, you know, we're leaving went to Staten Island and and then it wasn't until like two hours later we're sitting in traffic on the Verrazano Bridge, which takes you from from Brooklyn to Staten Island. And he's like, you know, I shouldn't have done what I did back there. Right. And I'm like, yeah, you know, I know. Mom knows. The police know. We all know that that was a bad move.


He goes, well, I'm just saying, next time you have to protect your mother, don't just be playing video games. You playing fucking Sonic the Hedgehog while your mother is crying. He goes, never let another man have to step in and do that.


You protect your women. And I'm like, OK.


And then and then I kind of. Felt that when I then I got it because I got into a situation then where, like, you know, my mother, my it's crazy how, like the apple never falls far from the tree either, because, God, I hope it does.


No, I'm fucked if it doesn't work, because my mom, you know, my whole life was her being like, you know, she's this Ivy League graduate. My father's a criminal. She would always be like, honey, like pronounce your R's. You're not going to sound like your father. You're not going to make that mistake. I did. You never succeeded. And I never did know the fucking shit out of you. And I disappointed your mother deeply.


I'm not guilty of any more.


But, you know, like I just said, she's like, you sound like an idiot.


And but anyway, and she was like, you know, like she had this fling and she was like, but you will not make that mistake. You will get married, you will do this, you will do that. And I and I went to school. I listened to my mom. I never got in any trouble, you know, real mom's name, Lynn Love, never got into any trouble, you know, went to graduate school and everything and like, just checked everybody at school for.


I have a doctor in physical therapy. Wow.


Yeah, that's right. That's right.


So I literally I thought physical therapists could just kind of show up and do it. No, I thought so, too, like, put them in a nice bath.


It was such a confusing thing to like because I would never call myself doctor. But like my my kids who I graduated with were like, we're going to announce ourselves as doctor. I'm like, that's the stupidest thing I ever like. We can massage people's elbows.


Like, don't do it dude I, I broke my shoulder, right. I fractured my shoulder this direction and tore my rotator cuff. I went to physical therapy. I literally every physical therapist I went to was like, this isn't real, this isn't real. Now when I broke my shoulder, I literally had to take a thing and just do this. Yes. For like forty five minutes for six months.


Because all because the main thing when you hurt your shoulder like that is you don't want to get frozen shoulder.


I was always trying to adhesive capsulized a suit and then I had to not to fucking it and then I had to do this and said I had to just put my arm on something. Yeah. And just grabbing baby the swing.


I wasn't allowed to use my no. It was so annoying and so hard. Yeah. I'm still not sure if my therapist was accredited.


No I'm sometimes it looks like bullshit physical therapy and sometimes it probably is. But I was a pediatric physical therapist. I worked with like mentally and physically handicapped kids, so I felt like the impact there. But when I was doing orthopedics, yeah, I first came out of school and I was like, this lady's bitching to me about like a pulled muscle in her fucking pinky.


Like we take a break in this emotional roller coaster of two people that simply can't get enough attention and cannot say enough quickly enough to talk to you about my mustache.


So, yeah, I've been informed by my lover, who is just fearless, is a fearless man. He points out hair's coming out of my muscles. He points God.


Yeah, I apparently have a bunch of muscles under my chin that have hairs coming out like like course lost pubes that have migrated north.


And he's recently pointed out to me that I have a straight up mustache. I don't see it because I just shaved it with my belly razor. Amazing.


I, I literally was like, OK, because he was trying to pluck it with a tweezer and I was like, we're not tweezing it just it makes me cry when I and I do that enough as it is, I don't need help crying during the day. And so I was like, I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to get my belly razor and I'm going to shave my mustache. And I did it in the car. Not you're not one, Nick.


That's amazing. And if that doesn't make you want to a razor, I don't know what will.


I've never had a positive experience shaving. Then I started using billion. I don't have that problem anymore. But razors, I am like you guys know that when you buy something that's a product for a woman, it's the same exact product for a man, except it's like pink. They charge you like seven dollars more. The pink tax men's razors are like a dollar for like fifty seven of them and then three women's ones. It's like twenty.


Keep it on the locked cases. You have to ask someone. Yeah.


To unlock the case so that you can shave your tain't it's embarrassing.


OK, Billy, thank you for making saving our hairy bodies a pleasant experience.


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I also did my unibrow and it was the perfect. It was perfectly like I didn't. I just like what's good is that people are getting less sexually attracted to you.


They're to lure best of beauty winner and Nylons Beauty hitlist for a reason. And you express a little love for our show. Go to my Billy Dotcom slash Whitney. It's a small way you can support us while getting the best razor you will ever own. It's just nine dollars to get your starter kit. Plus free shipping. Always go to my Billy Dotcom slash.


Whitney spelled my b i l l i dotcom which and we'll give a thirty minute zoom called to the first person to shave their entire head with a billy.


Goodbye. If someone does that, I'll I will fully go through with that next one, not going to be worth it.


I am getting to the point where I used Dawidoff so much I don't even know how to order in person anymore. This morning I adore Dasht thrice and it's 10 15.


I forgot to get coffee this morning and I thought, well, I'm just going to have a morning without coffee. And then I remember Doordarshan.


But no, not only did I get a bunch of breakfasts that I would never like if I went to like Starbucks or something in person, I was like all of a coffee. Like, I just I don't think to. But when I'm looking at the door, I should like to have a pastry. I'll have a grand cranapple scone. Yeah.


It looks so much better on my screen. Right.


If if a handsome man is going to bring it to me, I will nibble on a scone, I'll nibble on it. But if it's just me in the in line, I'm like, that's those aren't for me.


They connect you with restaurants that you love.


But I know not right to your door when you give them the wrong address by accident. Right. Which I do most every time. Right. They will call you and be like, hey, my go to the right place, you know.


Right. I had a good four minute chat. Yeah. Was a very charming man, this great customer service.


It was he was lovely.


And I got to start my day off making a new friend. Yeah.


And not only that, you can get grocery essentials you need with your dash, get drinks, snacks and household items delivered in under an hour. Wow.


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Oh family gets a visa to change change. Oh my God. I going to change terms like don't forget that's Whitney. Twenty twenty one.


Thought you were so smart just because you can read it creeps up on you.


Again, yeah, it gogia, it's a little early for being yeah, just FYI, this whole thing where we're trying to actually read ads properly so that we have sponsors and can continue with our show for you.


For you. We were doing the bamboozled jelly bellies, and if you misread it, you had to eat a jelly belly. We both got the stinkbug one. And we currently are both having a mental wiring issue where everything now tastes like stinkbug and we're just puking. It's called I'm going to talk about it on another podcast, but it's called on another podcast. I don't know if I'm going to talk about I'm wrong and you guys wouldn't get it. Wrap up this ad.


Where do you live and are you moving to Texas? What's happening?


I'll never move to Texas. And I love California, but I'll probably never move here. I mean, I got to stay in Brooklyn, baby. I got to stay in Bayridge. I can't be too far from my mother.


Yeah, yeah. I love OK, I'm in Bayridge. It's just like it's a place in Brooklyn that, like, I love like I hope to one day like be able to like write a movie about this and maybe I should start trying now and stop waiting for somebody else to do it.


I want to do this, but the that neighborhood is so insane. First of all, I remember when I took my daughter trick or treating in twenty nineteen, they were going to dress up as she she dressed up as, as boss baby.


She says, Oh yeah she's six. Right. She's five five. Have you ever had an argument over the Halloween costume. Have we ever know the only arguments I've ever had.


It's just been with her mom like, you know, if her mom, if whatever her mom wants to do. Yeah. Whatever her mom wants to do, it's like we've got to do it by me.


And by the way, me and her mom are are back together now. Yes. Come on.


Here's what happened. I got a while. Listen, shout out.


She we got back together during quarantine. We got to the bottom. Yeah. She got a lobotomy. She forgot about her memory.


She forgot about all the bad stuff that went on the mafia. I had the mafia go talk to her. You ready for this? Yeah, I had Jimmy Barnes go talk to him.


Yeah. And now we have a second child on the way. It's due July Fourth. I swear to God. Christie the Patriot. I'm naming a Donald.


A guy. Yeah. Look, I mean. Yeah, what do you know if it's boy or girl. Wait, July, Fourth, July yet?


We don't know if it's know. We do know she doesn't want to know because it's her third child so she doesn't want to know so. But we I'm excited about.


Oh yeah. Hold on. How long were you broken up. Two years. So. So what happens with like dating in between two. You tell each other I'm fascinated by this dude broke up for like four months and I just found out that he hooked up with someone and I only went on two dates with someone.


And I'm listen, here's the thing is, is she you know, she when when we got back together, I kind of we both kind of said because when we first met, because what I was saying before is how my mom got pregnant right away and was like, you can have don't ever do that. When I met my girlfriend, you know, six years ago, she got we got pregnant right away. She had a baby on, like the second date.


And then we went through, I swear to God. And now I know it's the best thing that ever happened to me because, you know, I love my daughter.


And she changed my whole world at the time. 30. It's almost like you having the kid and and having her for five years turn you into the man that she could. Yes. Could be with her.


But but then when we break up and we're looking back and we're like, oh, you know, like whatever, we were great co parents or whatever. And then we had said, you know, when we had we were like, oh, if we ever had a chance to, like, do it over again, like we would just date and do things, you never then we go then how about this?


Then quarantine happens.


We kind of you know, we didn't hook up or anything, but I was just like, you know, coming around, coming around. And then I leave and then I come back again in and we have someone she can actually but I can fight.


But then I come back I come back at the end of August and we hadn't had sex in two years. First night we have sex. Six weeks later, she's like, I'm fucking pregnant again. So we did the exact thing that we did for my first child, for my second child. Just it just doesn't stop with getting her. We just have kids.


Yeah, it's yeah. This is the universe wants you to to have children. Yeah.


But did you attempt to not get her pregnant. Were there any precautions.


And we're always attempting to pull and pray. Hello. But Jesus isn't listening and and and so and but listen, we don't regret anything. We both like look, we love being parents. We love our child. But my stepson, you know, who's ten, like, he was confused. He was like, whose kid is this? He's like, well, you're back. And I'm like, he's like, hey, yeah. He's like kids.


Whose kid is that? Is that my dad's kid? He's like, I want my family back. I have this fucking idiot here.


It keeps coming back for that is. So what does it mean for me and my son's father? And by the way, I like this one. My girlfriend hates it.


We fucking love each other. We like we love we love being friends. We love our families. And he's just like, dude. Yeah. And she's like, why don't you guys like each other? Like, he's the fucking man? Why don't you ever break up with this guy? He's got so much inside info on bitcoin. It's unbelievable.


I'm obsessed with this. My ex boyfriend, I sort of cheated on him with one of his, like, heroes happens and then.


And then when he was like all upset, we were living together, I cheat with one of his heroes, I kind of leave him for one of his heroes. I'm with one of his heroes. And he calls me like six months later and six years, you know, like you say, I'm over it. I'm just curious if you guys want to maybe get dinner.


Yeah, like, I'm cool, but see, like but I get that because again, if that happened to me, if my girlfriend left me for one of my heroes, I'd be like, you know, whatever, give me a couple of weeks to work through it and then come back and let me ask you, what is something that in your next kid you want to do differently than the first kid?


Like, I figured I'm not gonna do that again. I do that again like I got it. Now, I know.


I think I think the one thing that, you know, so far, like with with my daughter, I think, you know, because I try the first ones practice.


Yeah. To be honest, as a guinea pig. Yeah. There's a couple of things that I'm like, yeah, that will that's going to be a lifelong issue that I just created.


But I didn't mean to. But it's actually a very successful comedian. Yeah. Yeah, it's what it is. I think I think with, you know, a lot of times with me and, and, and my girlfriend, we kind of just would like not talk to the kids about, like the problems we were having. We just like walk out and then come back. And I didn't realize, like even though my daughter was only one or two when we first broke up, I was like her brain, like she felt energy.


So so I'm very hellbent on, like, working it out with her and like being honest and upfront with my kids about like everything that's going on because kids know and when and when you don't tell kids the truth, if you're fighting with your person and you're like, oh, we were just doing an acting exercise.


But yeah, that was Play-acting, they started to doubt their reality.


No, I would. That's exactly what I would do. There was a couple of times we got make arguments. You're a bad actor. Yeah, yeah.


There's a couple of concerts where I know there's a couple of times where I was like where I was like, you know, like we were arguing or whatever. And I actually said that she was like, why were you yelling and cursing? I'm like, Oh, I was going over my line. She's like, I you got fired from Beastmaster. I'm like, I did. That's why we live in this two bedroom walkup.


That's why I'm doing three reasons, Kristie. So yeah.


Yeah, but no, but I mean, her me and my girlfriend, we're good now and and everything's good and we're working and we're trying to because we never really had a chance as a couple to every red flag that went up for me or for her.


We just had to like, find a way to get around this because, you know, we have a child coming on the way. And it was our first time we didn't we barely knew each other. We're trying to figure this all out. But now we know each other. Now we're like now we know, like, what pisses each other off. So, you know, it's kind of like we don't do it unless we just want to start a fight.


Then one of us will push that button and we get, you know, and one of us throws each other and start fights just to get jokes. Oh, yeah.


Well, I do it all the time. So bad. Yeah, it's so now here's the thing with my girl.


You know, there's I've learned if she wants to see your phone, you give her your fucking phone because.


Because give her the phone. Yeah. We we're on. It's not worth it. We used to live in this apartment on the titties. Let me just real quick, if you just give it to us. Yeah. Chances are we'll go OK. Yeah. Well chances are I won't look through it if you just give it to me. If you, if you stutter or you flip it over. But why didn't you. My phone. You don't trust me now.


I need to go through it now.


I need to go through it. Yeah. Yeah because. Oh yeah sure. Yeah. And then she'll go oh yeah.


That was easy because I know I learned that and I also I was living in this apartment building on the 12th floor and she was like, let me see a phone because she's like real do a Puerto Rican from Brooklyn. From Sunset Park City. Let me she got a tattoo on her tits. She's like, let me see your fucking phone. And I was like I was like, no, I want to show you my phone. She's like, let me see your phone.


And I was like, No, I don't want to give you my phone. Let me see your fucking phone.


When this is there's no way out of it. You're you're making it worse and worse and worse.


And I and I said, what am I going to do? What am I going to do? What was your concern? What was why do you honestly want to know what my genuine concern was?


Let me tell you something or what her concern. So if you're if you show up to dinner and this is your phone and you flip it over, I'm like, yeah, what are you doing? Just flip it. Just oh, just keep it up.


The concern I had is there was like I posted something and then an Instagram like model had reposted it in her story and I had started her repost.


And I'm like, oh, that's I probably should. But if she finds that business that I know. But then also.


But then the other part was the other part was then there was like, you know, porn stars we were sending back and forth in the group chat.


It's always the guys group chat that I'm like, oh, you can't do that.


And I just decided not to name the group chat mom and dad, but she knows that she knows when I rename it, she doesn't believe anything, you know, because I used to cheat on guys and name them.


Yeah. Cheat with. Yeah. Yeah. Wait on them. Yeah. And name them like Bank of America. I know.


I got to think but but we were on this plate and I want to give her my phone. Like I said, we live in the 12th floor and then you chat.


But let me slow down guys. Group chat. Yeah. That's not cheating. No. No it's annoying is it is. It's not cheating. I don't love it. But there's a point in your life where you got to go, guys, send photos of girls to each other. You're not allowed to send naked photos of your girls or girl. Yeah. Sending porn star photos back and forth. Like I don't love it. It's not ideal. But here's the thing, though.


Like, if you go to France, it's like there's no fucking rules there. It's like you can as long as you don't fall in love with somebody else, it's not cheating like you could go. Sex with somebody because you're like you're a human being, like none of this is true. I'm so sorry that Chris is lying to all of you. France is not like that at all, guys.


I watch the Pink Panther and I'm telling you it's true.


But none of this is true. He saw one nude beach assume they were all just fucking violent. I thought I thought in France, the rule was just you can't fall in love with somebody.


Not true. I dated a French guy when I was 19 and another guy talked to me and he threatened to commit suicide. I also think in time in Paris, I felt careful. I've never felt more loved in my whole life.


I didn't some really. Oh, wow.


I was really it was the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me. It he threatened to commit suicide while I was eating a meringue in his parents apartment. And then his parents came home and I died in the closet for like seven hours with a meringue and wondering if he would commit suicide.


I used to have fun.


That was fun. And I used to be a fun person. That does sound like a lot of fun so much anymore.


Yeah, I actually I actually like to move on Facebook recently and he has a bunch of kids and a wife and I was like, oh, Emily's got the gun, OK, Emily's got the gun.


What does that mean? When I interrupt, I get shot with a Nerf gun. Oh, while because I interrupt too much, it's almost impossible to interrupt you, but you bet you've managed.


What what what was she even interrupting the.


I didn't hear the rest of the story about your girlfriend going through your phone to my phone is upside down.


Oh yeah. Yeah. Oh that. That yeah. So I gave her the phone because we were living, we were living on the 12th floor and she was getting madder and madder and then she kicked our air conditioner out the window.


So see it's good thing we came back to that. Yeah. That's incredible. She kicked her ex, she kicked her out the window that I gave her my phone because I was like, yeah, hi.


I'm obsessed with her, but she's great. Yeah. What happened? And then and then what happened is what always happens. And then ten minutes later, she's just not man anymore. She makes a sandwich and then she's like, you know, the kids are taking naps. She goes, come in the bathroom and locked the door and we have sex. That's just what always happens is I almost think she starts fights with me because she's horny. And then it's like, so you want to scare me and kick the British out the window and tell me you're going to fucking.


She told me she was going to like Disney World on fire because she thought I was going to Disney with my daughter and another woman. But I want my daughter and my mom. But she was like, I swear to fucking God, I will like Disney World. I'm fucking fine. I love her.


Yeah. Yeah. That's all I have. Yeah, it was crazy. I was like, I'm going with my mom. I'm with my mom and our daughter. She was like, right, let me find out. You had another bitch. I will fucking like goof his ass on fire.


I'm obsessed. She's the best. OK, but let me. But now that you're in a monogamous relationship. But this is what proactive things can guys do to avoid this, because guys, women are not to fall a porn star when you engage in a committed relationship.


Woman Do yourself a favor. Invest in your future self and surrounding and sending unfelt. Just unfold the porn stars if you need to choose what to do. If you want to go to the porn star site on your own time. Yeah. Why didn't just do Instagram hygene phone cleanse.


That's what I do. I just I don't follow anybody like that. And now I always post, I post my content that I don't need to post and then I get off. I don't check the comments, I don't check the DMS, I stay out of stay often.


I'm pretty much social media. Get ahead of it. I don't want I don't want to, you know what I mean? Because it's like, listen, dude, like I'm just like it's all trouble there.


You got to clean up your shit when you get in your. Yes, I'm saying you got to tie up loose ends even when when random randoms reach out to me from a year and a half ago. Like what's good. I'm like just you know, I'm like so that I've got the text right there. If they text again, I can say I drew a boundary not encouraging this. I'm not, you know. Yeah, not yourself.


And I don't care. I mean, you know, like there's there's even sometimes like there's there's been a couple of like girls throughout the years, like they'll send like a picture and I'm like, I'm not responding to that. And then they keep going. Then it's like you're making me feel like a whore. You're making me feel bad. I'm like, why do I don't want to open your picture? Because if I I wrote back to one girl was like, listen, it's not me you need to worry about.


If my girl sees this shit, you're fast. She's going to follow you home. She'll jump out of your fucking bathroom and she'll kill you with an empanada. So you better be careful. I would just tread lightly. And every girl is in the park.


I just tuned out. Yeah. They're just like, oh, never mind. Yeah. No it ain't about me. If suf if she catches you. So are you going to get married.


Um the thing is she's the love of my life. I'm obsessed with her. We can get married. Oh she's all the permanent marriage, the little suffocating. To take it slow we have to take two children together.


I'm obsessed with her. I don't know. The marriage thing feels like a big step.


I don't know. I mean, maybe. I mean, we'll we'll we'll have our second child and then. Well, if you were going to propose how if I was going to propose, how would I.


Bobbing and weaving.


Yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry. I know if I was going to propose.


You never thought about this. Well, well, here's the thing.


I did actually propose to her when she got pregnant, when we had our first child because I was Catholic and I was just like, you know, my my mother was putting the pressure on.


My mother was a. You need to marry her, and I'm like, you're right, Mom. And then I proposed out 25. At that point I was 30 and I was like and emotionally twenty five. Fifteen. Yeah.


And I proposed to her and then I just I had her, I didn't outside of her apartment and I had her mom and her whole family like filming it and like.


So you did it for Tic-Tac. Yeah. Well at that time it was fine, sweetie. So no, I did that because I was like, oh, like this will be like a fun video. Like we can like, look back at and like Cher. And then like a two months later she was like, you know, we're not getting married.


We're just that's not going to happen. And I was like, OK, and then. And then. And then I and then we then we got reengaged and then we kind of just kept just like not happening. But then we're like, let's just be happy being parents and. But now now I got to be honest with you, I think we're very happy now being a couple and parents. Like, I feel like we've grown so much as a couple going through so many hard times.


Like I'm kind of like happy that the things worked out the way they work the clothes.


Next time, let's go. What are you doing? I'm good. I'll propose obsessed with. I came up with the best idea for Andrew. His proposal. He did not take my advice. Yeah I'm good at I don't know, I'm good at thinking of proposal ideas. I want. I suggested that he go into a photo. What are those things called. Photo Booth. Photo booth. And just bring it right there. Boom. But then it's kind of a dumb because it's you know what I'm going to do.


You could have a video of it.


You know what I'm going to do? She's got a couple of family members who are here illegally. So I think what I'll do is I'll make believe I'll have my friends dress up like ice and they'll come in and they'll be like, you know, where ice. And then one of them will come out and be like, but I got the real ice. And then they'll come out with a diamond ring and put it on.


But then also ask for the.


So now you're legal and we're not married yet. Yeah, I know. I know. All of you. All of it legal.


Yeah, I know. I just did an episode on my podcast, Chrissy Chaos with ASADA do with with with my girlfriend's uncle, transgender Uncle Jerry, who just got out of prison. He was in prison for 25 years and he got married in jail. So she was like, what the fuck? Like, how does Titty Jerry get married? And I still can't.


I've had a couple guys come to me with proposal ideas. I'm like, no, oodle dude. I had one of my best friends. Her husband made her do like a scavenger hunt and like like earned the ring. It was very I had to take her through like a scavenger hunt and not tell her was going like, no, that's power stuff.


Because I think a lot of guys think like this is the last thing I get to be in charge of the wedding. Right. I'm saying. Right.


I know she lied to sing the relationship. I mean, it's just it's very clear I have zero power and I am not in charge. And that's just what it is. I mean, you know, she has my credit card and the money and that's about it. But I like that.


I don't like feeling the pressure they do in Japan, right. Yeah. Man earns money, gives it to the woman and she's in charge of building.


It's just easier that way because the scariest thing to me, the scariest thing on the planet and the things it's so gross. It's like an insecure guy. Every time I see an insecure guy, I'm like, oh, shut up.


He's like a flock of girls doing this. I'm like, yeah, dude, you're a pussy. Shut up, dude. Just bow down. That's what I do.


I just bow down to women who immediately bow down like true power is being able to relinquish power or at least make other people think they have the power.


Yeah, yeah, yeah.


I just know I'm genuinely terrified of first, I'll tell you, I also think something amazing happens in your life, especially in comics, because we all win eventually.


Sure. I'll yeah. I'll hurt you. Yeah I'll, I'll, I'll destroyed the way you perceive yourself. Yeah. I'll, I'm trained to say the meanest thing possible. One hundred percent.


I think about that all the time. Like there was a big there was a debate in my family what they were like. Oh because my daughter's name is Delilah DeStefano and they're like oh d d she's going to get made fun of. I'm like if anybody makes fun of my kid, I'm a professional comedian. I'll call fucking Dave Attell and will write like legit roasts level, like I'll have a six year old and fuck their family will commit suicide, you know, get heavy hitters and comedians.


We don't if you hurt someone we love, we're just too we are armed to ruin the way you see yourself as comics.


It's like I'm telling you to try to make fun of my daughter or my kid or my stepson and see what happens.


Just see what happens to you with words. But the words are going to hurt.


I don't need to be. You know, I will. I'll ruin your brain. Yeah, my daughter can read now. That's that's fine. You can heal from a bruise. I'm going to hurt you in a way you can never heal.


You can never. You know, I'm going to take the thing that bothers you the most about you and your family and your body. And I'm going to fucking I'm going to give you an insecurity for there.


I'm going to go an eating disorder. A hundred percent is what's going to happen. Dude, you're going to be so miserable, you're going to defect and join ISIS. That's how much I'm going to ruin your life.


But your kid needs some adversity. Yes, they do need adversity, which is why you being a parent is enough.


That's probably all they need, actually. You know, I have a. Cousin who fuckin planned her pregnancy, she's the worst lady. Teen pregnancy is not about not playing. I didn't mean it like that. She's she's the worst father. That's what most people do not know. But we had. I see. I disagree. I want to take the stand. We did the unplanned pregnancy and my kids are survivor.


Like we're not promoting unplanned pregnancies on your podcast. If you support Planned Parenthood, we know I support Planned Parenthood.


Do whatever you want. Your your your your body, your choice.


If you get raped, keep it. That's what Chris is saying. Well, I'm just saying I'm just saying that if my daughter was unplanned, so the things she survived in the embryo was insane.


Most of us weren't planned. I mean, certainly my generation, if you're the second, third or fourth kid, you probably weren't. Yes.


Do you think, like the winners of World War Two, their moms are having planned pregnancies? No way do they watch those kids out. Then we're putting them on parachutes and going into Nazi Germany. They were no, they were sending them to work to work it.


Yeah. But like my cousin, you know, she lives in Maine and she's like plans everything. And now her son has a fucking peanut allergy. I'm like, yeah, that's your fault, lady. My daughter to shit my my daughter's mom is doing cocaine when she was two months pregnant because we didn't know that there was a baby. Nobody knew there was a baby happening. So my daughter survived it all and she's great. But, you know, my fucking cousin's kid has going to be so cute because she's going to stay small.


Yeah. You know, she's the best. But my cousin's kid, I mean, he has to blow his candles on an iPad because he's allergic to candle smoke. It's like, dude, you're a pussy. It's because your mother planned. Yeah, that's the issue.


Does Delilah have any allergies? Delilah has zero allergies. She's yeah.


No, Delilah mine was worried about her kid peanut allergy, so she drove her to the emergency room. They sat in front of the emergency room, gave her a peanut and just sat there for an hour and drove off.


Dude, you know, I swear to God, we were in the pediatrician's office like three months ago when my dad my dad moved to Tampa now. But when he was there, we took her to a pediatrician appointment and he was with me. And I swear, the doctor was a new pediatrician, the doctor. So we don't have our most updated chart. He goes, does she have any allergies?


And my dad goes, Yeah, Democrats.


And the pediatrician was just like, mm, yeah. It was like, wow, dad, shut up. That's Cuban. I know this is a pediatrician with, you know, my dad.


You have to understand my dad like legit, like may have assisted in hiding and dismembering dead bodies when I was younger or before I was born. He loves my daughter on some level.


Do you think he's falling around to protect her because he thinks that maybe his mistakes in the past could haunt the family?


That and I think he knows where to push him. So he's probably like my my son's not going to deal with this kid's fucking he's got eczema.


He couldn't beat up an adult 14 feet up his mother's boyfriend. But no, you know, it's funny, you know, not funny, but like, cute. When they moved to Tampa, my step mom told me she was like, oh, she's like, we're cleaning out the house, moving. She's like, and we found this little doll that we had gotten when Delilah was first born. And it was like buried back. And there was a little baby diaper on it.


And I'm like, what do you mean? And he was like she was like your dad used to practice diapers on your daughter's dolls. And like, we forgot she was like, he would never tell you. Like, don't tell anyone that. I was like, well, I'm telling everybody on this podcast I always do my, you know, change my daughter's diapers.


Even my girl gave me credit. She was like, I got to be honest. Like, you change diapers, like you really get in there. I'm like, yeah, absolutely.


Like, I, you know, I've clean shit out of you can't imagine where baby shit gets into my own mouth.


I mean, her ears, like I'm like, how do you how did you shit in your ear.


But you just got to clean it out and do it. I love it though and I love being like a girl dad. So this child, if it's you know, people like don't you want it to be a boy? I'm like, not really, because I just feel like, you know, I mean, whatever. I want it to be healthy, of course. But I like just having a girl.


Is there any like I was like because I think that I. And then we're going to ask you one more question and then we're gonna get to games. We have some game.


Did you good baby. Yeah, I'm great. Then it's about to come in and play games with us. Oh fucking hell. Bent on doing great hair. He's got great hair. He's an icon. He's an icon. Yes. That's good.


Hair is iconic. Yeah. You have the same here as my mom. That's, that is that hair.


That's like I feel like I'm trying to be trendy and cool. I'm like I got to hook you up with Benton. What did she, did she die. Yeah. Yeah.


She's got the little smile also got to take talk.


She was like great. Yeah, yeah. She, she blows past us all on Tic-Tac.


Last question, which is I feel like I'm always have hot tapes with like this.


Something kids should be watching is this should little girls play with this toy like I'm always just in that area. Right. And then I'm sure people roll their eyes like, oh, Whitney, no one was traumatized by Wizard of Oz or whatever. Is there any toy that your daughter has gotten where you're like, don't love the message?


Oh, I love it. I was lucky.


I got I didn't get a lot of toys. It's good. I got my little ponies mostly, but their daughter has like 20 of them. Those are my share.


I was a horse kind of girl, you know. Are there ever like movies or anything?


You're like, oh, that's a weird message for a five year old. Yeah, man, I'll save you, white knight. Wait for the man like any of those where you're like, honey, that's not real.


Well, it's one of those things where, like, to be honest with you, I guess, like being in comedy and trying to be like aware of, like, everything that's going on because the. Thing is like, you know, being an entertainment, it's like all of these issues, these hot button issues, like they're in our world, but like the average person, like just doesn't care. They're like, oh, I got to figure out how long your child average, how to make money.


No, I'm calling my child's mother average.


And, you know, the Dartmouth, you know, she heard that.


No, but she there's a lot of times I like I'll be like we watch it Pocahontas the other day. And I was like I was like I said to Jasmine, my girlfriend. I was like I was like, isn't this Jasmine? The name's Jasmine, my girlfriend. And there's a Disney movie called Jasmine Princess Jasmine. But but Pocahontas, I was like, isn't it like we can't like it's like kind of bad, like they're saying like Native American people are savages and call them savages.


And like John Smith is like the white hero. I'm like, isn't that like, no good for her to see? And Jase was like, no, she was like my dog. She was like, fuck this. You know, she's like, everybody wants to get all up in arms about everything.


My daughter can tell the difference, what she fiction. And yeah.


And she said straight up to me, she was like, I'm going to tell I'm going to tell Delilah how she grows up. She's like, honey, when in doubt, get yourself a white man. She was like, look at me. She was like, I got to say bye to white guys. And I'm like, wow. She said that to my face.


And I was like, OK, I have a feeling that Jasmine would have been just fine without both of you both.


I know I have this sinking, sinking suspicion. Her stinking, sneaking jasmine is the one. See, that's the thing.


She's the one that told me. She was like I was like I was like, oh, like, look, we got a nice, like, multiracial baby now half Puerto Rican, half white. She was like, absolutely.


She was like, I'm going to telephone college. She said she was like I told us, she was like, listen, on college applications, we're going to be Puerto Rican on job interviews, we're going to be white. She was like, that's exactly what she said.


She's like, that's how we're going to do this. I was like, yes. So yes. Yeah.


So my point is, is like a lot of the stuff, like I'll be the one who more will be like, hey, I think we should do this, this and this. And Jazzmobile like, you know, stop being she'll always call me. She's like, you're going to stop being a bitch. She was like, my daughter will be fine. She's like, will be fine as women. And I'm like, okay, all right. I'm just trying to fucking I don't know what to do.


I'm trying to help.


But a lot of times I just get to comedians. We see everything and we we just we everything we see as we're professional complainers, we're professional critics, you know.


So it's like every movie you see, you're back, honey, don't you know? Yeah.


I'm always trying to like be like earmuffs or whatever. But, you know, listen, my my family is like very like kind of like old school, too. Like, I have a cousin who's a firefighter.


Like she's like I was the only one in our graduating FDNY class. I'm like she's like one of like the toughest people, man or women I know. Like, I remember somebody tried to break into our house when we were in nineteen and she threw the burglar out the window.


I'm like, so this girl like, she just doesn't like sometimes the women in my family, I feel like, hey, how old was this bird?


Like, what? Dude, I'm coming back. So who says burglar?


I go old school. Montalto says this scalawag scalawags rapscallion came right up to the window.


I told our moms where I work. My cousin used to live. We all grew up in the same house and my mom and her sister and her kid, that's my cousin. And we and I was coming home from like the storm. Both our moms are at work and I see the police and fire department on our block and I'm like, oh my God, you're right. It's on my house. I thought something horrible happened. And then I see this guy in handcuffs and he was like, my arms are broken.


And I'm like, what the fuck happened? I go in and my cousins, she's like, yes, somebody's trying to break in. And I'm like, What did you do? She's like, I threw them out the window. I was like, Oh, OK, crazy.


Did you see that Sobashima Skalka intruder in Chicago? No.


OK, so, you know, is bit when he said he would shoot his intruder with a bow and arrow, did he. Yeah, that's right. Grap it. No, he or his cousin or something like that killed somebody. No. So Sobashima escargots cousin. His name's Sebastian Mikhalkov. Yeah. And he lives in Chicago and I guess someone thought they were robbing or burgling is Sebastian and they fucked with the wrong. Yeah. Skalkaho. Yeah.


Not that Sebastian couldn't have handled it, he could have know. I just feel like he'd be like let me take off my. Yeah. My Bedazzle jacket first.


Yeah. We handle this. I got to do my hair, I'm going to be in the paper. This is like a in and then yeah.


The guy he, he went in, the cousin whose name is also Sobashima Pscholka was the victim of a home invasion. Two masked men came in. Wow. Cousin Maniscalco shot and killed a fifty eight year old man, Larry, in self-defense after Bradley Finnin, who cares about these motherfuckers, forced their way into the home in Arlington Heights. You're exactly right. They're playing to steal two hundred thousand dollars they thought was inside the home.


Well, don't fuck around. That's the thing. If you want to mess with, like even sometimes, like older people.


You ever hear about that story with Italians in general? Italians are joke kind of a rule I'm learning.


Or also like older guys, there's a story I feel like it was in Colombia. Maybe somebody tried it like a senior citizen, like old, you know, boss was going around like touring Colombia. And these Colombian guys got on and tried to rob them. And one of the guys had fought in World War Two and he broke the robber's clavicle and it stabbed him in the heart and he killed him on the bus, I think and like but then they, like, went on and like just like went into, like the early bird special.


Like he was like, yeah, I've killed Nazis. I don't think I can kill this Colombian idiot with a fucking handgun. It was a wild story. I was like, what? And like Colombia was just like, yeah, thank you.


I feel like once the collarbones out of your body, like, you don't need to stab the person in the heart.


It feels, you know, he stabbed him in the heart with his. Collarbone, he broke his arm and then his collarbone, stabbed him in the heart, in inside his body, and he killed this guy, Steve Irwin.


Yeah, it's just what happens. But that's it. That's why you don't mess with old people. They know how to do stuff.


I do when I see old people, like in public, like they'll have a Band-Aid on their face.


They just had a Band-Aid. Yeah. Like three days. But you know what? Old people will cut themselves shaving and others have a piece of bloody toilet paper like I did. Yeah. I will never fuck with you. I'll never fuck with you at all.


When I was at one time, I was a physical and all those the war veterans and all fight with each other. They think like it's like the things they were saying. I'm like what? I used to be a physical therapist at the VA hospital, the veterans hospital in New York. And I remember one of the rounds I was doing was in the same at the same time there was a World War to vet a Vietnam vet in Iraq vet. And they all had suffered listen to that past dude.


And they all had suffered like war injuries and stuff. And like the World War Two vet would call the Vietnam vet and the Iraq vets pussies.


They'd be like you. You didn't do this. You didn't do that. What did your tanks have? They don't have this napalm. Have you? Snorted That's one of the World War Two guys said the World War is just like he was like fucking napalm.


He was like, what is that bullshit? He was like, I killed Nazis with my bare hands. He's like, OK, you killed a couple of Vietnamese. Whoop de fucking do.


Nazis were stronger to be methamphetamine. Yeah. Drugs. Yeah, they were on drugs.


I know, dude, it's I know fuckin Panzner chocolate, the Nazi Nazi, that stuff.


I mean they would literally be on methamphetamine. They were on fully like they called a tank chocolate.


They would just take a bit of tank chalk and go, wow, that's what you see. Those old videos of Hitler when he was like legit. There's a drug addict. So that's what that is. And that's how they got so much done in such a short amount of time. The Nazis created crystal meth.


Yeah. Yeah. It wasn't like given to them. They made it. Yeah, it was. Why what was the thing about.


Because you know so much about history. Rogan told me about this once and how they would scar their faces. Really. Yeah. They would scar nazis' would scar their faces just to look scarier.


Well you know, the whole like Skull and bones, like when you look at Skull and Bones, you like poison or negative. That wasn't even a symbol before the Nazi's. The reason why we look at those symbols, skull and bones, and think like danger is because that was on Nazi tanks, dueling scars, the badge of honor of many Nazi.


There were part of the original fight club, an underground fighting gang. And they would when you got a certain rank, they'd give you a giant scar on your face. Just you look like a scab. But you know what?


History is interesting, because I read this. I like to read books. How do we know any of it's true? Well, that's the thing I always like I hear I heard the American versions of history of going through high school and college.


I go back and I look back at my my I was helping one of my nieces was in school. I was like, I didn't learn.


This is I know that Columbus came over and found it, though. It's totally different. Texas.


No, I wrote this I read this book, The Nazi Symbiosis. It was called it was about like Moses symbiosis, you know what I mean? Hey, what's up? I'm fucking crazy, stupid ass.


I, I read this book and and it was all about how the Nazis became the Nazis. Like what what was it then before the Internet.


Before the Internet. And it was like all, all the ideas they got in the in the Holocaust for like gene therapy and like all this like, you know, stuff that they would like, you know, take Holocaust victims and like do horrible things and trying to, like, mix their genes and their blood to do the they got that from the British and the Americans. They were the ones doing it first and they were the ones like Gregor Mendel, like kind of like with the, you know, trying to manipulate the genes and do that.


The Nazis were like, oh, they're doing it. That's what they stole the science. And then allegedly, according to this book, you know, the West, the allies knew, like Churchill and FDR knew, that what was going on in the Holocaust, but they were yielding results. The Nazis were yielding results with like there's a lot of things that happened with medicine, like out of the Holocaust. And they were like, oh, let's not raid that until, you know, because they're getting these results, we can make money doing this.


It wasn't until they stopped getting results and Hitler kind of went off on, you know, almost like, oh, I want to go attack Russia and kill everybody in Russia. And he was like, just kill everyone in the Holocaust camps and they stop doing science. Then they liberated the camp. So sometimes it gets murky with history. I'm like, not everyone's all good or bad here.


And also it's like I'm doing this thing, this project in Harpers Ferry, everyone's heard about it that I work with. But in Harpers Ferry, West Virginia, where the John Brown that's beautiful.


DeJohn the Harpers Ferry, West Virginia best. So it's one of the craziest thing I've ever craziest sceneries I've ever seen in my life.


So my dream is to renovate that hotel. My dad managed it when I was a kid right there with the John Brown raid. And growing up, I would yeah, my babysitter was the John Brown Wax.


You know, Robert E. Lee came in. He was the one leading the charge. Right. George Washington surveyed the property when he was eighteen years old.


It's the most beautiful property I've ever seen in the United States. Thomas Jefferson said it's the only view worth the trip across the Atlantic. It's just beautiful. It looks like Narnia. It looks like New Zealand. Yeah. My goal is to have movies come shoot. Yes.


To bring money up the candy store there where they make candy from like. Yeah, that's right.


And so this is the John Brown Museum show some images, John and John bleeding Kansas. When I grew up, I would. Go to this John Brown museum is the most terrifying thing on the planet. Do you think John Brown's hot or no? He's so hot. I know he was played by a one. Ethan Hawke, in the end, looks kind of like John Brown. Tahani was a hottie.


And he he was the first, you know, that was I mean, maybe not the first, and it just wasn't documented. Like whenever you read this history to be of going in and I'm getting all these documents that there's like literally no history on, like discovering all the, like, slaves that, like no one's ever written about. Sure. You know, in these revolts that no one ever documented their lives and finding journal entries and stuff like there's so much stuff that we just like do fucking know are we know a lot Åhléns.


It's just not true. But I would spend my childhood. That's probably why I'm such a twisted person at this wacky creepy ass John Brown Wax Museum. I believe it. And it's my dream to rebuild.


You grew up in Harpers Ferry. I spent my summers there. That that's amazing. I like. I want to. I want to. I need to make sure my daughter sees that place.


So, look, I will take you. I'm going on the 20th. Let's go. So, look, I've got here because of covid. Oh, this is like the decadent West Virginia.


Do they care here or do they have the mobile vaccine places in West Virginia, Mobile, they pull up to your house and give you a vaccine like Subutex, Manz for opioid.


There's there's some vans, but they're not OK.


West Virginia is fascinating. There's flip sides. They were on the Confederate and the Union. Well, West Virginia was the first because we're not doing slavery. We broke off to say we are not doing slavery. No. For West Virginia to now have this reputation for being, like, backwards. And please watch the documentary Hillbilly Bioscan York. If you have not. She's actually directing this.


Yeah, but you know, why put that in my in my opinion, from the research that I've done, that's the Confederate that's Confederate slander. It's from this day, it's like because they were pissed off when West Virginia flipped sides and Lincoln let Virginia slip. So now the Confederacy was like, OK, now we're going to fuck West Virginia and say that they're hillbilly backwards people and they never really were.


Full time for a second break from Chris DiStefano. He was he was being too funny. We need to slow down. Yeah, we need to get back to Abbott. Yeah. We need to get back to us.


And I think that if you've been listening to this podcast, you're probably going it has a boyfriend. How is he possibly getting an erection with that personality and that mustache?


I mean, did you guys see earlier I shaved that call back. So, look, Ed is a big part of my life, Ed, because that's a big deal.


What's big?


It's a big part of my life, as you may know, because of the my general vibe.


You know, that I'm the vibe killer. Like, as soon as a guy wants to get, I'm like, do you wash your hands?


Let's go. Like, where did you wash? Yes. I get you to eyes. And I have this. I have they're not supposed to do with their hands.


I will know if you're going to put your hands all over my body and inside my body. I'm like, let me see your nails.


I'm getting a rock climber. His nails are full of rocks and like, just who knows, like powders. And I don't know what they do, but it seems it doesn't seem sanitary. He's in a quarry most of the time or just so I like, kill a vibe.


Yeah. I can feel a vibe fast. I can see. Yeah. So his foreplay is washing his hands.


Yes. But rock climbers can't get their hands wet because it fucks up the skin calluses.


So I'm like using sanitizer. It's got to burn a little. The whole thing's a nightmare. But the point is Roman comes in very handy to get him back. Your man back up and running. When your personality has killed the mood with Roman, you can get a free online evaluation on ongoing care. Shit paying for sorry, the word care. Just having sex. Right, right, right. For erectile dysfunction. From all the comfort and privacy of your own home, you have to be embarrassed.


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No, but. But porn. You guys are watching a lot of porn. The pandemic. Right? It's got a lot of stuff is being done digital. So by the time you see a real woman these days, you might just panic, right? Right. You're like, what? They have pubes since. Well, take care of your erectile dysfunction without leaving your home completely online. Visit today to connect with a health care professional and take care of it, handle it.


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So that was like just weird to. Sorry, Daddy. I love your dad. This is so true, honey. OK, and that's it. Childreach jula OK. So Richard, will vitamines play a very big role in my life. And the irony is that I've been using ritual vitamins since before I started this podcast and I've been singing from the rooftops how much I love ritual vitamins, getting my friends individual vitamins. But now that they're sponsor, I cannot seem to talk about them without saying the wrong thing or getting in trouble.


Oh, the irony is I love this product so much, but I like it changed my life and my hair. Like I believe it's done so much for me, but I think legally I'm not allowed to say most of the compliments I want to say about it. So I'm let Emily take it. I'm too enthusiastic. Too enthusiastic. You love it too much.


I love it too much. Ritual is a multivitamin reimagined?


Look, this is the vitamin. Look how cool it is. It's gone. See it? And it's minty smell. Really good to know it's not good.


Oh, that is refreshing. You take it so that you don't have like a nasty warf burp after a grade.


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OK, so now we are going to play some ridiculous games.


Venton is going to explain what's the first one we're going to start off with doing one where we're going to go through all. We're going to go back to old Tweed Heads and we're going to see if you guys can guess. The three of you can guess which comic these tweets are now. They're all people that are like your friends.


So there's nobody like Rand, a year old or like they're old. So you don't need to know how old you are. OK, if they're mine, can you not read?


Yeah, please. We're going to start with this one, OK? How are all these women so pissed off about wearing mask? We know who wrote this.


If that sounds like Bobby Lee, if it's spelled wrong. But how are all these women so pissed off about wearing masks but OK with wearing underwear, a push up bra and thongs? Whitney, that's something.


That's me. That's 100 percent. Whitney Does that mean I was going? Yeah, I first of all, that's a good joke. Yeah.


Because you said I like that it is wrong. And if it's wrong, it's Bobby Lee. What idiot wrote that?


I know I was going to kiss Whitney or Donald Trump. Sorry to hear Judy Tenuta, Judy.


To do to shout out Judy to do to OK, next one.


Imagine someone giving you their dick pic.


I'm one of those homemade macaroni picture frames for Valentine's Day that imagine someone gifting you their dick pic in one of those homemade macaroni picture.


Fantini, let me know what used to be roommates with you.


Should I make that up? Yeah. No, no, I was me, Annie Letterman and Mike Racino. And if you don't mind me every day, I don't Annie and I never dated. No, so far. And I never tried to date. I never did any.


Yeah, yeah, yeah. I never did. I do it. Who doesn't fucking love any of us the best. We started doing open mikes together at the same time in New York City.


I was so scared of her for so long and I'm so bummed how many years we lost together because you were such big. Whoops. And yes, balish women, they just were cut off belly shirts at night to do stand up. I just was like, dude, I was, I don't know dude.


And then before the pandemic we just like we're like, oh no, yeah, we're obsessed with each other. But we were like, like panthers of the economy.


So we kind of never, never talked, you know. And now.


Yeah, no, I can't get out of my fucking house. Fucking Annie. OK, next one. Oh, we don't know who that is. Macaron dick picking the macaroni dick America making a macaroni. Is it Taylor Thomlinson? No, no. Give us a hint, it's not a woman. No, it's a man named. And who is it? Oh, that's a good one. It's a good one. Benton, you got Letterman. He's one of few comedians.


It's just really trying to write jokes these days. Yes.


Tell him I drink almond chocolate milk. I'm gay.


That's me. That's me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's me. I drink chocolate milk. I'm gay. Yes.


And that wasn't me. That was that was my father, actually.


I just was paraphrasing all the responses back to you are they're all were saying, why did you write this sentence backwards. I drink almond chocolate milk instead of I drink chocolate almond milk.


Well, because I'm Chrissy Dyslexia and I. I love that you didn't give a shit. You were just like no at the time into it, you know, I don't care.


I'll just keep it. I have a huge gay following and the biggest transgender fan base on the East Coast. It's a fact.


Last one, instead of saying I like garment parmesan wings, you can just say legally, I'm not allowed to see my daughter.


It's a good three. So funny. That's a funny tweet. That's well written.


Yeah. Who is that? That's OK. Greg Giraldo. I was going to say, man, that's is that's all I could call my man Colin Quinn.


David, David.


It's going to be really that is a tweet to clarify old tweet. Not an old person.


It's an old tweet. Not at all so younger than me.


Is it like Anthony Jeselnik or somebody like that or is it. Oh, you're in the right vein.


I think the right moral Samuel more Kornet Santino is is he jokes.


Get back to the people the write jokes. Let's host Jim Norton. Jim Norton. Good guess. Let's so offensive when we talk.


When you say who it is I who is it. Tell me. Stimulant Tim.


To me, that's a very old tweet because he's not like trying to start some shit. Yeah, come January. Twenty fifth. Twenty one. Oh, really? He didn't tell Airbnb. I thought that I going to be Timmy. I know.


Like I said, without you tagging Rogan, that tweet 19, 20 years old. Know what 20, 21 is now I. You said to you said two thousand one. Oh whatever I'm deflected to it is now what are you pulling everyone up to the squad.


Yeah, exactly. Where do you know what it feels like? We have meetings on Thursdays and Tuesdays.


Whoever won that one, everyone we know, literally no one got left the other game I actually won because I knew the Whitney tweet.


I'm like, oh yeah, you're going to get a point. Why don't. So I'll just have to, you know, I mean, what was the consequence? There was no consequences for me. OK, so what's the next one?


The next one is comedians.


Heads up another. The next one is. I thought you would do. Yeah.


OK, so I'm going to put a comedian on my forehead and you guys, I have to guess who it is based on you guys either saying their jokes, you can't say their name, you can't say their podcast, you can't say a name of their special. You can't say anything that's going give it away immediately.


Yes. You have to be something in their act or an impression of someone. I think we'll all guest witness.


And then when it's your turn, we'll get you got a mandatory. You have it. But if I hold this up, we need to get rid of the monitor because I will see it. So let's listen to what I'm saying.


So you guys do these games every week or is it a new game just when we think it gets going to be boring? Thank you. Well, yeah, I am.


OK, great. I see you get ready. I can't see it. OK, ok. Um, guys, cars, cars. Jay Leno.


There it is. So now it's my turn to pick one.


All right. So I pick one look at it. OK, and I just put on your for ok.


I know because I saw that one so I'm like oh you c.B with your apple troll's goblin's.


I need a broad city like a lot of like oh I'm on the wrong person.


I'm doing a lot of Glazer. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Well thank God you're sitting like a heartbreaking, melodically happy Jacobsson. Wait, Ilana Glazer is you know what to say the name of the show.


Well, thank you. Did I was doing a little solinger I think a blue one. So committed to you. Just really words.


But you got me ok. OK, Bucky, I got shit.


I'm just married. Her wife's really hot stuff. Yeah.


So funny. OK then Emily.


OK, this has we've been burning bridges. Yeah. This is shocking. Right. Let's flip it over.


Oh right. Right, right on time. Yeah. It's like Whitney Cummings. I like somebody telling me she can't get pregnant.


Let me say. Oh I dated.


Oh yes. When dancing with the tap dancer. Fresh reference. I could just set the view. Oh you love this one Bentley.


I look like her now. SNL old school. I know that the most iconic female comedian after Mae West and before Joan Rivers. Phyllis Diller. Yes. She was an SNL.


What she not. I don't think I'm sorry. I don't I don't know if she was on this show. She died fighting very insecure.


My mother loves, loves Whitney. Good friends, good friends. Are there any Letterman to think. Yeah. What's the possible. She's little sister.


Yeah. Yes. She said she's never does standup. She's a little guy.


Oh oh oh oh. Voiceovers like him. Yeah.


You like he's a comedian. You like so talented. His family they own like. Did we say who they call. Yeah.


Yeah they will, his family will press a button don't you think. A lot of people know very well. There you go President. Because of our area of turnover. Oh oh I don't know. Oh oh.


It's a lot of this when they're on stage. So many words, big words, loves dogs. Very, very grealy. Really great employees. Amazing people. Yes. Visionary loves working with Michael Patrick King. Visionary, brilliant. Your hero. Your hero really come to mind. Oh yes.


Everyone throws a woman came up with a great staff.


Oh OK.


Turnover sick boy. Only flower here in Britain. Yes. OK, turn it up. OK, talk big, big. Tick tock, tick tock. Explode. Tick tock. My biological clock 14 to quarantine. Tick tock. Trump someone I.


There we go. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.


That could have gotten tougher. She's a unicorn. She's ready. She's ready. Oh, she's six nine.


Kevin Hart. Yes. You see other people. I know what. OK, guys we're good at. I know you. I mean, I'm not. But you have got one wrong. Yeah. Oh my king Maleo mine are very easy. I know you're getting really easy ones.


I'm surprised we haven't heard anyone's feelings yet. That's right, Emily. Here we go, Tom. She has a big joke she should be telling the world suggests skeleton glove. She loves gloves. Yes, dresses like she's from the 20s. Yes, very shiny. Her husband is definitely circumcised.


Natasha. Yes. Of the crown. The queen of the red carpet. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. The band. The Great.


My favorite. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, yeah. You talked about how he put his finger in his butt by accident and said, no, he'd kill because his girlfriend put it on me.


Am I allowed to say that? Yeah, that was that. That was a catchphrase like that was an asshole that's on the city.


That's. OK, let's do one more round. OK, turn over.


Going to turn around.


I mean, millions of dollars. No jogging. He has everything except your right arm.


Oh yeah. He's a great basketball player. He's won fair raising athlete basketball. Let's go. I don't understand.


That was the most painful looking break I've ever seen.


Yes. Everything except her right arm. So. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry. Yes, I know it's really serious, but I really lose friendship when people fall.


And I know that what was going on, I was like, oh my God. Like Emily. Family fell the other night.


I'm sorry.


She fell at the improv and she fell hard. Hard. She she hit her head head comedy clubs open here.


It's the improv we did on the roof of our dining is opening this weekend to Clubs Open. I'm doing a show on Friday night. In tomorrow night. Yeah. Come do it. Where there's there's a lot of cool, like outdoor shows popping up. And I'll text you because I've been dying to get on stage. Yeah. Inside is going to be soon. But yeah, it's great outdoor shows. You're on stage. It's like fifty, one hundred fifty people outside the blast.


Do you ever do the shows here anymore where you didn't used to. Do you do them outside here.


Yeah I was do, I was doing that for a while and I'll go back to doing it but it was like I was paying so much money for testing.


I mean and then I'll find out what's coming on the Internet. Like you're spreading it, right. Oh God.


Here turnover reopens everything.


But this is the best joke they ever going to. So many dead babies, babies that.


Yeah, dead babies. My teenage years turned over just to show off of Netflix. Put he put that sea symbol on the side of a ventilator.


Could he took show off of Netflix. He lives in Ohio. Yes. OK, last one turned over to get it.


Oh, did it. Did it, did it? I mean, what do you have? No, no, no. She's now caring for a cripple. She's she's she's like the.


She's the husband. Yeah. Christina Christopher Reeve.




That's literally is Tom cigar's the new Superman that I need to see that movie and then are go on tour. Yes. Well, no, right now, because I'm doing a show hosting show for true TV called Backyard Bar Wars.


Can you try to find a way to not make a racist joke on the show?


Yeah, you know, I kind of I kind of I told them as soon as they hired me, I was like, you've listen to my podcast. Right? And they were like, yeah, we wanted to be edgy. I'm like, OK.


They always said, you listen to the first ten minutes. Yeah. And we're like, this is fun. Yeah. No, no, no. This is the Bassmaster. When they asked me to go on the mask dancer to be a judge and I went out there, Brian Austin Green was one of the judges who I fully was in love with. I was a kid and I went to Paula Abdul was there and can can doctor can and she says and I just went out like guns blazing.


And I was like, I'm only here to fuck Brian Austin Green. That's why I love it. They stopped down. Yeah.


All like five people came out with a clipboards and they're like, we need you to truly like it was like because there were people in the audience and it was being recorded and they were like, we needed to stop.


But but you know what, though? It was like it's a kid's show, but it's also a kid's show. But it's like but that's why I love doing that. That's why the podcast is so beautiful, because, like, we don't have to be in that box. We could just be comedians and like, be the group of people that say things you're not supposed to say to, like, give relief to society.


And also we this is you know, we like to go into dangerous territories even if before we say things, we don't mean it. We just we have to be able to, like, have the uncomfortable conversations and be wrong. Yeah, we're idiots. We're comedians like like why don't I?


I don't understand why. Now there's this thing where, like comedians jokes define who they are. It's like they're jokes. It's like if I'm making a joke about it because I probably feel the opposite of what I just said. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean. Because I'm joking about it. Yeah. But that's why I love doing podcasts on my patrón like that's why I feel like Patrón just saves, you know what I mean.


In a really, really big part of what comedy is is devil's advocate and defending something you find reprehensible, like as a comedy exercise being like I'm pro gold diggers. Here's like it's just like, oh, it's Werlau in a way we're failed lawyers.


I think in too, like amongst comedians, it's like you can't be hateful and funny. It's like one of the other acts that people get in trouble because they're like, oh, it was just a joke. It's like, no, there wasn't even remotely funny. Like, yeah, we know that it's not funny because your heart is filled with hate, but it's like, you know, we just like we're just making jokes because it's to give relief to the groups, you know.


But people are like, you can't you can't say that word. So it's like, fuck them. We stay in the podcast staying the patron patron dot com slash Christie comedy. And just that's where we live. And if True TV finds a joke from ten years ago and they me.


Good, I'll just come back here. There's no bulletproof great. It's almost like that's why I love like the every show to the time. They didn't make a mistake ten years ago. It's like yeah.


It's like even like there was like a in my daughter's school her teachers went out and were like, you know, bars are open in New York, outdoor dining. They were like they went out and had a drink during the parent teacher conference and one of the post on the Instagram. And they sent to the teachers, to the parents group to like look at our our our child's teacher drinking. I'm like, she's twenty five years old.


Like, if she wasn't drinking, I think if you were teaching children all day, wouldn't you know, I was like, you know, my kid, you know, fucking horrible. You hung out with your own kid. Yeah. This is. Yeah. Doing so many of my parents friends are sorry about so many my parents friends, so many of my friends who are parents. Yeah. They are complaining about their school so often.


My kid I'm like, yeah, you just had to spend time with your kid finally. Yes. Your kid kicks me in the shin every time that your kid's a dickhead.


Oh my God dude. I mean quarantining with a five year old. It's like I was welcome in court, but I was like, it's on a ventilator.


That's a vacation for me. The teacher should get free scotch at five o'clock.


Yes, I was like, but these people are just cancel crazy. It's like, shut up.


So there it is. I think there's a real absence of a important and kind of boring conversation about addiction, because these are also people that are addicted to self righteous indignation. And we are like their cancer culture.


It's also a lot of people that are truly addicted to the Internet, addicted to the adrenalin they're getting from this. And we're we self righteous indignation is an addiction like alcohol, drugs, sex or anything else. And it's we have compassion for that.


As a comic, what do you think is a cancelable offense? Like what would you be like that as a comedian?


I think anything on stage or anything that's an attempt of a joke to me, no matter what it is, no matter how big of a swing you're taking to miss you, it's okay.


It's off the stage stuff. If you do something that's a violation of our societal rules, like you murder someone, you rape someone, you do something like that, something illegal.


But even that I'm like even like stuff like that, my whole thing is like like let's say like the Bill Cosby thing. It's like, why did we as a as a citizen, like, why did I even know what was playing out? Like we have a court of law like he goes to. Goes to the trial, he goes to the court. He's judged by a jury of his peers and then he goes and does the appropriate sentence. Why is everything this trial by Twitter bullshit is very, very, very dangerous and scary.


But it's always happened.


It just happened at watercoolers. It happened in people's homes like, you know, and it's tricky. We've always had a version of this. That's the thing. We've always had the Roman Coliseum.


Sorry, but there's a lot of good that comes out of that. Yes, but there's also like so much corruption, overcorrection of behavior does have to change.


But we, I think, have to go super far to come back.


And they're just going to be people. We what we asked for change. We won't we don't allow for the change we don't have.


So when we go so far and get sanctimonious about it, it makes the people that do need to change, not to learn.


Yes. And then it shuts people down on everybody self-righteous. And that's the thing.


And with the self-righteousness and the narcissism comes, well, if you know, if everybody is a criminal, then nobody's a criminal, you know what I mean? If everybody is is this piece of shit because of X, Y and Z, then we all are. It's like there are people that do bad, heinous things that need to be tried and removed from our society. But I believe when they serve their penalty, whatever there are judge jury of our peers come up with, then they should be allowed back into society.


They have now paid for their crime. I feel like especially doing this episode that I did on my podcast, the Crecy podcast with listen to it. Yeah. If you don't want you don't have to teach Jerry. You know, it was in jail for 25 years talking to someone who is like a convict who wants to better their life. I was like he was like, you know, I come out and then I still can't get a job.


People still look at me as a criminal. But I paid my 25 years. You asked me. I committed a crime when I was young and I'm sorry for it. And I stayed in jail for twenty five years. So why am I still treated like an outcast? And I was like, that's so true. Like anybody who does anything.


I'm not saying you have to give them their exact job back. That's, you know, it's private citizens, whatever, but it's like to just be like, oh, you're still a fucking piece of shit, get away from me, never vote again.


It's like those exact people that need to vote. They've been in prison. They know about our laws. And we do. Yes, absolutely.


And according to Jerry, they all love Donald Trump.


So we need their votes for twenty twenty four of them.


And like, it's just, you know, I just the difference there is that when we cancel celebrities, it's like, oh, you have so much right. That we don't we don't ever want to see you again because you're fine. Right. Is that what you're describing is like that's terrible.


Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And I think that and look like, you know, it's hecklers like I think, you know, hecklers, they don't know the damage they're doing. And I think a lot of people on Twitter, I think a lot of times they don't know the damage they're doing, if I may like not to sort of defend people that are intentionally trying to ruin people's lives. But I also think, like there's this carelessness, especially among really young people that haven't made mistakes yet.


And they don't they don't understand human flaws and they don't understand. You said that dumb thing once because you were trying to impress someone and you felt like shit when you say like, yeah, you know, I'm saying it's like half the shit I look back at that I'd probably get cancer. I'm like, dude, no one was. Yeah, that joke was worse. They're like, yeah, I, I'm way more mad at myself than you could ever be.


You are living in a different world. They have information we never had. They've only lived this way. Yes, that's true too. We didn't. Yeah.


Different movies, different shows, different jokes.


And they take like one one microcosm of a person like I mean one hundred and sixty characters in a person's life to define them. And then you make a judgment call on that human being. It's so ridiculous.


Never gone out of my way to trash a comedian that I didn't like, like, like I owed an artist or something. It's like the idea of like, I just don't fuck with that person. Sure. That people like we need to cancel this person that like they're not even fans out there just going out of their way to just throw grenades at people. They're not. It used to be you just didn't go to the show. You didn't buy their album.


That's why I participate.


Yeah. And it's just kind of like, you know, like with that whole thing, it's like if you were going to be actively out there trying to cancel someone, then it's like you better be squeaky clean yourself, because that camera with that spotlight will always turn back on you.


And nobody's perfect. Nobody I mean, good people do bad things. People do good things. I mean, it's just what it is. Fucking Martin Luther King was the greatest of all time. Used to beat the shit out of his wife. Hitler is a horrible person. He was a vegan and loved animals like what he wanted to tell you. Christie comedy dotcom.


I know you're just hell bent on getting canceled right now. I'm just saying, just because it gets frustratingly annoying, sometimes I feel like everybody's a bad person. So the scale keeps moving.


Yeah, two years we could be like, what's something we thought was correct now? Yeah. Yeah.


It's wrong to be wrong, by the way. We're allowed to be wrong. It's like kissing John Wayne. Look, what are what are we like. Oh, God knows he's an asshole.


I don't think anyone like your grandmother's John Wayne poster on her wall bother you so much on this.


You know, they went after John Wayne for being, like, racist or whatever. And it was like, oh, of course. Yeah, it's racist. My father said racist.


And yet I get, like, taking down statues because you don't want to, you know, memorialize things. But it's like you can't erase history. Like my daughter. I will tell my daughter why the Confederacy happened. I will tell her why Naziism happened. So you don't repeat it. But but now I feel like this whole movement, it's like. So she doesn't just because she would. She was your daughter. Oh, you would.


One hundred percent. So I gave her an answer. Yeah, I had it signed.


No, I'm just like so that to me and as comedians we're just like, you know what we do. And I'm just like. Man like these people, because the irony of it is, is when you go into a room like you're not in cyberspace, you're not in the Internet, when you go into the room and it's all different people of races, religions, they're all just laughing in unison. So you're like, is it was it a problem or is just a problem in cyberspace in this one realm?


But the cyberspace realm has implications in reality. So sometimes it gets dangerous where you're like the person who's tweeting, trying to get so-and-so canceled probably doesn't even care about what they did. They're just narcissists. They just want the power for themselves. But they go on the water cooler the next morning, probably the exact opposite views, but that person's life got fucked up in real life. Totally, you know what I mean?


But I will say about comedians, as someone that just brought this conversation up, I love it. There is a point where we do have to stop giving it like we're professional complainers. And yes. And we we're the ones that have blown out of proportion. Oh, no, no. Yes. My thing is like we complain about Hot Pockets, like comedians will complain about anything. And so some like they'll be a couple tweets, quote, cancelling someone and then we'll make it.


Yes, we'll talk about it every every podcast retweeted. And it would have probably just went away had we. Not exactly. It always goes away.


And now you don't get it's you don't really at least in our field, you don't get canceled by, you know, Evian water or some company. You get canceled by other comedians. Now, it's other comedians going out there and being like, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you never happened when we were seeing each other every night at Comedy Club.


Here you go. Now that everyone is is at home, they're just throwing each other under the bus like, you know, it's been interesting to see the like everybody going turn on Jude.


I think most of that stuff is like I think half the time we're fighting with someone on Twitter, too. It's not even real. People do it, I believe. Ninety five percent of them are Russian bots. I believe it's other countries trying to cause diversion.


And the fact that we're responding to it is just like so silly.


I feel like Sergei in Moscow just laughed his ass off. He's like he think Riario also, people are allowed to be upset like that.


The other thing, if you're upset about that joke, like you're allowed to create it, don't come to the show anymore. I follow. Know what your childhood was? I might have walked into shit and triggered you. Jim Jeffries got knocked out on stage when he made a joke about suicide because some in the audience, his brother had just committed suicide. Like, we don't know what. OK, we're walking into, you know, what stage of healing you're at like.


But it's also it's like I think it's also something to adjust with the time.


So it doesn't make you a better comic. Yes. Oh, absolutely. Kind of like a new thing. I agree with that because we can't keep being like, oh, well. And in the fifties we made jokes that we have we don't live in the fifties, but also seen it.


And that's the audience is is job to stop laughing at shit that isn't funny. So we need to grow instruments, which just isn't funny the way it used to be, like, you know, because there are some comics there like, well how come I can't you're like, well because you can't now.


You just can't get anything else. But also it's not funny. First Jim saying it's also just like so there's comedian when I once I was the comedy. So I think I've told the story on the podcast. I just think it's important. Came out. This is maybe like two years ago and started doing jokes about fat chicks, OK? And it was like bombing.


And then a woman just went, hey, can you stop using the same comedian, do that same joke in Nashville in the same thing happened. Wow.


So there's a point where the audience will decide the you're not at the show. Don't need to decide. Yeah, yeah. People at the show who saw the context, who saw the crowd, not like that's that to me is like. Right. You need of course. Correct because that's not right.


Not work. But that person doesn't deserve to lose their career over it, you know what I mean.


Over unless they're going to double down on it. There's the comedians to like want to fight you.


But this which is ridiculous. This is crazy, not new. There's always been consequences. Yeah. And like, you know, a couple of years ago, if you're a woman, you just get killed. I mean, there's certain things if you get you know, so it is an interesting thing. And also, I think comedians also need to remember I said this before, is that the more stuff that's off limits and taboo, the funnier we get.


Oh, my God. Yeah, it gets harder and harder and harder. And then it starts to weed out people like you really got to be good now, you know what I mean?


You really got to be funny, because if the ones who are just on the border, it's like they'll lose their whole career.


Leota will keep like there is a way to take risks, well intentioned risks when you're trying to figure out if something is sure.


And then you might go, we've done this before. I'll go down a road and I'm like, this is this is this line of thinking is not conducive to a heart.


That's the whole of being a comedian is I have to try to say we all have to try to say that thing that we're not supposed to say, craft it in a way and our artful way that's making everybody laugh and feel comfortable where we're like stepping to the line or slightly over it. But we have the joke that left turn where a lot of times people will just tweet something like it was just a joke.


It's like, no, you just tweeted a slur with exclamation points on the American flag.


Yeah. So my thing is the mob mentality, because the mom and dad can start to make you feel like, oh, I'm I'm a bad person.


Then you start to like that biologically wired into your brain, which is why it's to get the approval of the tribe and to get and also is the reason public speaking makes people so nervous is because on a reptilian primordial level that met in tribal times that you are making your case to the tribe. You're right. You know, there's a yeah, you're on trial completely. So there's that that Madness of Crowds book is really good. That explains this mob mentality of like a lot of people when people go, yeah, fuck him, they feel safer when they do that.


So we have to recognize that we are. Why? Or to do this, we get dopamine when you gang up on someone else because we think we're safer. Yeah, well, that's what comedians. That's the worst part. It is like other comedians doing it. That's when it gets really scary. Well, that's that shot.


And then it's just like. Yeah, yeah. Like we're the comedians.


There's a lot of if you fail, I win, which is not true. It's like the new competition. We do get canceled. I have another job, another people that me when the Christley thing happened, a lot of female comics. I know and I've seen the screen grabs. Who thought that I wouldn't fucking find out that they were talking to journalists trying to throw me under the bus because they thought they would move up in it. Just not how it works.


Right. You know, I'm saying.


But that's why it's good that we all, you know or, you know, people need to have something outside of comedy and entertainment like, you know, whatever it is, like you have your project and I my family, where it's just like because the shit just goes away.


I'm just like, all right, I'll just I'll again, I'll just push my kid in a swing and then it goes away.


I'm not going to sit here all day, but social media understand we're used to feedback. Yes. Like war. And I think that's part of the reason they sort of and we will engage with it. A lot of people won't like a lot of people just will not respond and ignore it. Like, that's the real problem.


Most comedians are comedians because they were bullied or picked on or that have been. So now when you have confrontation, I have to say something about you.


I'm made for this like you're like fucking idiot.


Whereas making it go like I don't get to do this in my relationships anymore. I don't get to get in fights with people like I've been in recovery. Like, but this is if you come for me and give me a legitimate reason to defend myself like I'm fucking right.


Like it because you're like, well, now I have fans and people want to see me and I need some time.


Oh, I want to go in the ring, like give me any opportunity to fight you. But then if you're going to come for a comedian, get ready. Yeah. You're coming for a comedian who's going to screengrab your profile and fucking post.


Yeah, they're coming back. Yeah. We're going to come back and you're not you're not scared of confrontation. We're not. And if if you try to publicly humiliate one of us, like I feel like we've been pretty cool about it. Yeah. You know, I feel like most people have been pretty cool about it because you fight back, you're the bully because you're.


Yeah, no, I don't respond to I mean, you know, it's like the things that people say, you know, it's like every day I get a DM, somebody calling me a negative name. I don't care dude. Or people go, fuck you, you're not funny.


You went out of your way to me and say that, dude, I've already accomplished all my dreams, that someone knows me enough to even dislike me. Yes.


Either you're not funny. Well, there's a list of people you can click on that. Follow me. There's a full list. You think I'm funny? Yeah, exactly.


Yeah. But also, like you love me. Sure. You're obsessed. If you leave any comment, you're obsessed with me, you love me and you're just having a bad day and you want my you're pulling my pigtails like I negative comments to me is like I look back when I was like fifteen in all my dreams and if someone told me, hey, you're going to be so in the public eye as a comedian, that people are going to be saying, you're not going to be like, dude, sign me up.


But think about that. Even what we're going back to before I think about a person, think about what state of your life you have to be in or what kind of person you have to be to comment negatively, publicly on anything there.


As my therapist would say, sounds like there aren't a lot of pain. Yes, I left a negative comment or anything.


I wouldn't I never in my life left left a negative comment on anything. I've never left a negative Yelp review. I've never done any of that because I'm like, I will just move on with my life. This thing didn't work for me, but we have big voices and big platforms.


Not everybody does. Yeah, I'm saying some. I'm just saying it makes people feel, well, get on stage. I'm not saying it's good. I'm saying it. I know never my whole life have I done.


But I know way people do it, it's they feel they're, they're hurting. They're in pain like, you know, or they're mean and nasty people and they have to live their lives. And we get to do this.


You know, some people just want attention back from the person. Yeah, but even even when I know. Yeah, always when someone says you're an old nasty bastard, can't. And I'm like, hey, dude, I hope that worked is usually what.


All right, great. I didn't know you say that. Like, that's. Yeah, it's people have a sickness.


Bless your heart, you know. Yeah. Like we need to stop complaining about negative comment. It's so childish of us because. Right. Comedian's whole thing is we should be able to give the fuck we want, but you can't.


Yeah. Yeah. I'm saying it's like pick a lane.


We have to decide one right there because we're like, I want to say whatever the fuck I want whenever I want picker and.


But you're not allowed to say anything negative about me, but I'm like say anything negative about anyone I want public, you know.


So that sounds reasonable to me. It's probably yeah. It's a problem. As a fan, I think this is great. Yeah.


Oh you to shut the fuck up because that is really what we do. We go into a room and say no one's allowed to speak. If you speak, security's going to remove you. We are no fucking brats.


I know. I know. I know. I know. This whole podcast, we've been like saying like everyone's in artists, like we're the ones that go on stage and like, sit down and listen to me. I have the microphone literally out of the thousand people here, I am the most.


Not only that, I'm going to charge you. Yes. Sixty dollars to listen to me speak for an hour. Yeah. Plain to hear me complain.


Yeah. About luxuries. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And then when you say something not going to go. Thank you.


Yeah. You just paid fifty dollars for me to read out of a notebook because I don't want to even prepare for my set.


You just get tickets. You're like yeah I was like sixty. You're like fifty fifty. Yeah.


Yeah I'm almost at sixty, forty eight dollars. We asked you to, like, order shitty food, we asked you, is there a parking for me to be like, so what else is happening? Yeah, guys, what are you up to me to do? Crowd ask you where you're from in your own state? Yeah, I'm here to find out if there's any birthdays. And then you mean to make fun of where they're from.


I hate this place. I hated driving here.


Hate the club you to come watch you trash their city. Oh God. We are such we deserve to be killed. And then we're just giving everyone covid. I mean we should. Yes, we are awful.


Awful. What can you do. But yeah. But I wish people just in general comedians like just we're not trying to be your heroes. I don't know why people started thinking comedians or the people you like look up to.


Yeah. Why am I being held to the same standard as a politician. I'm just a comedian fucking doing clown tweeting jokes from my bathroom.


Like I think it can be so serious, you know, I don't know.


I shouldn't have joke writers. Yeah. Yeah, that's cool. That is. I am Jon. Jon Stewart ruined it by being so smart and so smart.


Funny. I'm a plebian. How do you on your podcast I've still a year end. Don't know how to end up August.


I just have the producer zoom in on my open asshole. I just, I pitch. Yes that's right. Yes. I don't. Yeah I don't do because I have warts.


Oh anal more. You shave your balls. Manscape dotcom lawnmower 3.0.


I can't answer the fucking phone. I know huskier.


I mean I, I, I do, I do.


This is, this is less what's going on because I want my girl, you know if you shave your balls it's like why you shaving balls for you trying to look good for.


So I don't do as much but I did just recently. I did just recently shave my balls. Yes. Yes.


And it was good and but you have to I'm so fascinated by how guys do it because you have to put your foot up on a like I feel you have to put your foot up and you got to like no, I hold it and pull it.


Oh, do you know what I do? You know what I do. I figured out the secret. At least for me it works for me is I actually tuck it back. I give myself a man gyne. It's easier to shave my man pussy than it is my dick and balls.


So I go old, I go Buffalo Bill, I Buffalo Bill and I shaved. Yes, that's a great yes. And then I let it fly back and then I, you know, shave my the the hairs falling off my actual testicles and then I do it all in the shower and you know, I get some of it on my daughter's Barbies and whatever. We just clean that off.


My daughter's Barbies are transgendered because of my your Barbies have a mustache.


Yeah, that's right. Because it's it's inclusive. I have an inclusive Barbie for my daughter.


I think we figured out the best way to end these. Now, we just asked. Yeah. For her to talk about that because yeah, I think I don't like if I get whacked.


I've never had the ball. Yeah I get one. Doesn't it hurt.


Interesting. Why have led to her hurt so much.


Yeah. The ball. Because I used to do the waxing courtyard. There's like buildings you got like and it's so felt you and waxed. I've been waxed and it hurt like all hell. And then the only reason that I didn't start crying she was like you should see guys when they get their balls waxed.


I went in for my move to New York. First time big city girl went in to get my eyebrows waxed, but they had me take my take my pants off. So I was like, oh, I guess it's because your eyebrows go.


I guess it's just what they do in New York. And then she gave me a full Brazilian. And when I when I was screaming, I was screaming so loud.


And the woman, it was doing it with chemo treatments. She was and she was like, you're such a pussy.


And I was crying, you know, like, how could anyone stand this to you and done it since. And I can't do that.


Make you on all fours. No.


Oh, I didn't say go to the wrong place. I mean, like, I have had a full bush since that the wind was whistling through my jeans.


You guys, you guys, you guys, you know, when they went your buddies, Benton's been sexually assaulted and he's coming forward. That's what they do when you don't know how they get to it never happened.


How do you get on all fours to watch wrestle with this company? I'm calling him right now and suing them.


It's an institution. It is my friend.


Oh, she's really nice. Her name's Brandi.


And I've got a qualm with you about I just got a text said you were going to be home by three thirty, then send me to voicemail at four with a thumbs up. I'm sorry. OK, I am sorry. All right. If it sounds like you really need to go, it's just what we can, right? What's one of those things? When you get a text like that, I'm going to read it like I'm done.


Happened with David Oyelowo to you. I just went to a girl's name, Whitney's house for seven hours. Yeah, it's I'm in trouble.


I got it. Yeah, it's recorded. So she knows our podcast, our lawyer. Yeah. Yeah.


She didn't just I don't know who that is and I don't know that I'm not a fan.


OK, love you. This has been like a blast. And your podcast Hezb I got.


Hey babe. What song. Vulcano. What you do. That's a fully squeaky clean show which is hard to do. We try to we don't curse. That's so. And we do it on purpose because we're like this is a sick challenge to try to do it. And then Crecy Chaos is the other podcast I have. That's my own solo podcast. And I guess some time where we go the opposite and I interview Jasmine's relatives who just got out of prison.


It was very so funny.


We have fun and I've patron, patron, dot com slash Christie comedy where I really get fucking wild. I'll shave my balls for the ten dollars year.


What is it, ten dollars? I got five and 10, I just make it simple, five and ten and then you put videos.


I put I do know I do exclusive episodes that only air on Patreus. Wow. Like I won't ever release them on YouTube any. So I do a full hour extra each week just for the patron.


Members from my family called me Christian comedians that were could never work again.


But this is this is not the you know, I feel like I want to I want to I want to be in all of it. I want to be on TV podcast. Patrón, do it all. Why the fuck not.


I love the little mayhem. Only thing because you don't have to worry about. Put it out there.


You just put it out there. You just relax. Yeah. It's just great. And then I feel like the funniest stuff happens or some of the funny stuff. I think that I could you know word in the fans just respond. It's great. I love you.


We're releasing you. I'm just I'm literally just sweating too much like I'm just chill and my breath literally smells like jelly beans, shit.


Like I could smell my breath off the mic. I'm like, wow, this is bad.


It is so fucking gross. OK, I love you. I love you. Do you have announcements. No, no, no. OK.