Transcribe your podcast

Momentum. Rolling. I know. Get your game face on. This is it's always on you guys. Benton's in a wild mood. No, I'm not. You said it every day. OK, I'm going to start telling them down. Benton showed up today. Speaking Cockney. That's not wild. Literally exotic. I was brushing my hair and I just hear and I'll find I that's fun had happened. Except you're like I was on the roof like Jim, Jim and Jim, Jim.


And I think it's like Lemony Snicket has arrived. Allen, Sweeney Todd. What I do that have to do a kegl. Hello. Yes. To come from in here. That's not where vaginas are. I know. But that's where the voice voices to come from and know wrong. And the worst pies in London. Truly, really, honestly. Can you. Good evening, Gheorge. By you doing quite well. Lovely day. From now on, if we ever fight Cavaco, can we do it in that accent.


Yeah, I love it. Are you fucking Deetz. Are you stupid. Scrapie growthy. Fuck off. Honestly, you've gone to waste. That's my favorite. You've gone to waste. What does that mean? I guess it means I don't really know, but I know that. Which means you've gone to California, which means you've gone crazy. You've got. Well, is that west of London. Yeah. OK, we're w I wish I could do an Australian accent because there are a lot, but it's hard to do both in the same day.


The same day. Right. So I just want what's Australian. It's like hello might you think the worm from the labyrinth, you know, little worm. I love that. Me too. Oh it's so cute. It's very loud. Are you keen. Are you. Q Keen. That means a horny. Right. I mean. Oh I thought ok, I am using this music is wonderful. Wonderful. Yeah. There's no, there's no O's right.


There all are, there's no there's only. Oh God. This podcast has gone in a weird direction. Brad Wise. I just want to reach out to other other people so that's what I'm dealing with you guys and you can't do any other accent without being racist. And that's only when you can really get away with can you be racist, OK, or not racist. But like Brud, that's rude to Asian accents. Let's not conflate racist and rude, please, because if they start to become the same thing, I'm getting cancelled.


I know you're allowed to be rude, OK? I'm not letting that be taken. Being British is like being American. It's just like rude. But you can do like Asian accents. All that's right. I've dated some English guys. It's fucking hot accent Australian. I don't know. It's a little twangy, but, you know, wasn't Australia a big prison? Yeah, well, no, it was where they sent. Yeah. People I don't know.


Can you please. Can we, can we. OK, here we go to maybe look things up before you just throw them out on the podcast. I thought you knew everything. Can you, can you please do some research. Yes. It was prisoners that were sent to Australia. Right. OK, that's what bothers me. That's the British doctors. He just throws things out. He's like, so what's DNA? Can you explain what a double helix is?


Whitney, I'm trying to join a cult. Why are you a good Segway? We are talking about cults today, but not yet. First, we're going to talk about my cult of comedy, which is going on the road. Yeah, San Fran, San Francisco. We added a show. Are you excited to go to San Francisco? Yeah, because I know we're not too weird for San Francisco. No, no possible way. Y'all are wild.


We're going to be at the midway. Not sure what that is on November 7th. Twenty twenty San Francisco. It's going to be outside. It's going to be distanced. Please don't make out with strangers or have threesomes or orgies and give each other covid. You guys, I don't want to be the covid comedian. Very San Fran thing to do, being harnesses and force disco hair. I got my pink hair. Yeah. I could maybe be a lesbian.


I've got to get you some nipple clamps and you'll be ready to go. San Francisco gals, come to the show, try to turn to me now that my hair is a lot of women are like, you're gay. I fly. You think I know that's not how it works? If it did, though, you'd be there. But a lot of I'm getting a lot of DNA from women that are like, by the way, you're gay.


That's rude.


You can't tell people that. I don't think you can be like you're gay. And I'm so codependent. I'm like, you're probably right. You've never thought I was gay? No, you've never been like she's probably gay, never or like that's she's got it's going to any day now that she has no job and does that many tequilas. No, no, no, OK. Why would I think I tried to come out to you, you shut me down by going.


Have you ever maybe thought I kind of thought that I was not a safe space? Do you ever think I was all right?


Couple of nonsense I'd like to make mention. You need to pull it together when it comes to my Instagram, because I decided that I was going to not look at my feet so much because I feel like it's just it's not healthy. It's it's an unhealthy addiction. I did meet some people. If you're on a private plane and if you're doing yoga on a rock and if you're face tuning yourself, I'm muting you. It's called self care. Still love you.


Forgive you, but I'm just not. I don't see that shit. I mean, I got enough I got enough nasty inner inner monologue thoughts, but I was like, OK, I'm not going to look up. I could obsess over Instagram. I'm not going to look at the news. I also did like a little news detox.


And then I was like, you know, we had that covid tested comedy show. We all got tested. We were all negative and we did the comedy show. And afterwards, Esther and Annie, they taught me the what I suppose you dance, I suppose, in this house.


And we did it and we're like humping the floor. It was like, funny. And I couldn't get it right. It was just kind of this funny video. And so I don't have time to post for the day post it. It's hilarious. Let's be honest. I do have a little cake back there. I've been working out snacks that, hey, cupcakes are cakes, guys. There's a moon pie back there right now because, like, there's little angel food cake in the cheeks right now.


Like, I've got a little. You have a but for sure. For sure.


You're sure all of a sudden all that biking and I don't know, Brian, stop.


All that fetal position in terror really worked out that tried to get up off the floor, those squats. So I post it and I'm like, OK, great. And I go back to check in on it like maybe two hours later and I'm scrolling.


It's nine 11. It's the anniversary of the Twin Towers being hit by a plane. And I have chosen to post my ass jiggling.


So were you also avoiding calendars when you write?


I just had to. I'm not going to look at my phone today. I'm so healthy. I'm taking a detox break. Look at me, rewire my brain and I go. I scroll and it's like, never forget, never forget, never forget. And then just my pussy shaking, humping the floor. I mean, can you. I love when I make a mistake, girl.


No. Next time. No, I refuse to support celebrities until I am one, OK.


And I, I just love the thought of like you making a mistake and going like OK, it's because I was detoxing guys. I was I know it's just because I wasn't, I wasn't like there I was like reconnecting with myself. It was the anniversary of 9/11. I would not have posted myself doing the wet ass pussy. That's that would have not been my first choice. Happens every night.


I would have posted a black square. Let's be honest.


That's what really makes you want to take responsibility. It is my fault. And I would have posted myself singing Imagine. And then I did oh, I have a terrible joke, never mind. And then I did it. You're allowed to say terrible things on here if you would have let the bodies hit the floor. What's that? You don't know the song with the bodies of the four bodies.


The bodies. Yes, I do know. That's how have been horrible, but hilarious. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. That's all I know is that that bastard is dark.


And this is why I love you. We're allowed to say shit like that on this podcast. You guys, I'm not letting jokes get cancelled. I'm not letting this the left take away. Sick jokes, yeah. All laugh Don't take jokes, all right, won't take rights, we're stopping it all here. And then I did it again. Whitney did it again. I, I well, my hair, my pink hair, which everybody knows we've heard about it.


Have you heard about it? We've seen it. I've heard about it.


And I know I don't want to talk about it much. Very shy. It's starting to fade. Right. And I was like, oh, I need to go to a different color because pink, it is starting to get a little bit crazy. And I'm not getting as many matches on rye as I used to. And so I was like, why don't I get a different color? This pandemic doesn't seem to be going away anytime soon. And I posted like you guys, what should I what should I put?


Which I have? I dye my hair. Now, what color should I do next? Just the most shallow, vapid post on the planet. Post it, but I'm detoxing. I'm not obsessed with social media. I'm not on. So I'm not sure that's why you're posting. I'm not scrolling. So I'm just going to post it and get out of there. I'm a healthy person. I'm going to post the photo, then go for a walk.


I'm going to go read a book.


I am the party. I'm going to show up and leave. I'm going to show up and leave. And then I go back to check, see how the Post is doing. Ruth Bader Ginsburg has crossed over. She has passed psych recipes, recipes, recipes, recipes, recipes, people sobbing them like you guys.


What should I do now? You just try to be relatable. My roots are also dead guys. I didn't know a true icon, legend, star and hero has passed on.


And you're like, you think Purple Thunder, guys, blue pen. I did not know she had died. So for all of you that think that I'm an insensitive. Hunt, as you would say, I like the excuses, I didn't know she died, so, I mean, had I known and I know and I would have posted it three hours later, I would have gave up.


I'm not I'm not Taqi. You're like Helen for a funeral. I need to talk about my eye makeup. This is fabulous.


Anyway, so you guys, if you've been thinking that I'm complete like a total sociopath based on the fact that I've been posting really shallow posts on her during horrific tragedies, then you've been listening to the podcast and we want to thank you.


I'm so sorry. I want to talk about the next item called Wait. There's some bigger news that you skipped over. Oh, sorry.


Well, Hilary Duff is here. First of all, Hilary Duff is on the show today, so we need to plow through this one.


We got Hilary Duff. I know, which is shocking. It's a big deal. Why is it shocking? Because you never do podcast. She never does podcast. And the amount of celebrity is the one to come listen to her do this podcast where you you how exciting she's going to be because you don't hear about but themselves.


Well, all my famous friends were like, can I come and meet Hilary? I'm like, I don't know what. Pull yourself together. Pray at her altar. Yeah, well, here's the thing.


I think I'm see I really do want to have to admit this, but I didn't I wasn't. I think I'm just older. So I like I love Hilary. I know her like we're friends. I met her without having had her show be like my religion. I was in my so-called life kind of bitch. That was my show growing up. If I saw Claire Danes, I would just jump off a building, you know?


But Shannen Doherty, I've needed to know that was my candidacy. D.M. to be on instruments. And I like literally I had my heart took a shit in my chest like I lost my mind. I was Demming with Alanis Morissette the other day. I couldn't bring that.


I mean, Obreht started doing Limas, like, my nipples got hard. It was wild. But like Hilary Duff, I love her. And we became friends in a very organic way. And I didn't realize that she was like such a that she was like a religion for people.


Yeah, because you grew up with her kind of if you're around that, you did.


Yeah, I'm old. It's rude. But also I'm curious. Benson wears a shirt with Hilary Duff on it. I do Benjamín show up with celebrities on his shirt, which is so weird because half the celebrities are like my friends. So I'm always like, oh, I need to call her back.


Reminds me, I think it's so weird for me because, like, I just know all these celebrities, so many celebrity friends. No, that's not true. It's more like I mean, this is just what I do. I don't know.


Maybe I do have I have to. Hilary Duff. Sure. Not friends with like Lady Gaga. Not you're not friends with music.


Keep this hair up and we'll get there.


Keep plagiarizing her vibe. But you wear Hilary Duff shirt almost all the time. And I got to say, I was worried you were going to wear it when she came. And I was like, what if he shows up in his Hilary Duff shirt?


Is she going to call the I'm not a psychopath. I would have been sitting in the hallway, listen to the interview in a Hilary Duff shirt like I like. How insane.


I mean, I don't know. I don't put anything past you at this point. Venton, how adorable issue.


I mean, she can you believe in real life? Yeah, it's actually she is an angel. She's true. I am in 12 step programs and read self-help books to be like her. Loved by all, loved by all, loved, beloved, but she's just like she's great anyway, so the interview is great. It's coming up. I didn't want to ruin her brand. Her publicist did not know she was doing this interview. But you should listen.


She never does Puncak. She never I mean, you only really get to hear her talk about talking about her placenta, about like like the work she's doing, the show she's on.


But you don't get to hear her just talk and like, she's a mystery.


So she's she's an enigma. She's found out about that. I didn't I did ask about Lizzie McGuire and what's going on. The reboot, she's very like she knows how to not say what she shouldn't say. But I think I think she definitely said a couple of things that she's never said. She's a pro. She's a professional.


All right. I so she's coming up. I do need to talk about this show, I'm going to talk about David Blaine, why why Arizona with balloons? David Blaine, OK, do you even know who David Blaine is?


Yeah, he's the one that doesn't wear eyeliner, is the less glamorous magician.


He's the sloppy magician, magician, stunt man.


He's the one that doesn't bother to put on makeup. You know, when I was growing up, David Blaine, like I was trying to fuck David Blaine, Hilary Duff, and he was my Uncle Larry. So you were trying to get him out of your house.


He was like a God on MTV. He was huge. And he would do these like sleight of hand. He would do these stunts. He would sit in iceboxes like before Joe Rogan did it, before it was like what every like and then made fighter and podcast guy did. It's so funny because you can look on any anyone that Joe Rogan follows is sitting in a box of ideas all day, every day.


But that was like, really, David Blaine just has bad knees for his swelling and he would just like do this wild shit. And it's just it's weird because that stuff happened and I don't. Did he make it like it was? It's just so weird how media has shifted. And it doesn't seem like I mean, he flew away into the sky and nobody cared. Yeah.


They're like posta makeup tutorial I did just ten years ago.


That would have been the biggest thing ever. He floated away on rainbow colored balloons. That's every gay teen in Arizona. His dream to leave there on rainbow colored balloons. The fact they weren't shot out of the sky is progress.


Honestly, it's just it just was interesting to me that this guy risked his life. And we're all like, but do you can't or I mean, people on social media have new faces every other week.


So, like, that's not that impressive. When you saw the same face, you have a new but you have button plans to get a little cheek filler. They're screaming that I like. It's just so weird what people care about and what people don't. But can you do a choreographed dance for fifteen seconds on the ground? I know that you're flying away and doing something absolutely impossible, but can you do lazy cheerleading in baggy? Tida Yeah. He had to get like all these certifications like log all these hours.


Skydiving I gave was working and people are like whatever.


Literally nobody gave a shit. And then, I mean, I did love him on Joe Rogan. He also like swallows frogs and he'll swallow frog and puke it back up. Meanwhile, like people like, yeah, we just eight nine tide pods bitch. Not that impressive. I've seen a lizard. Great. It's amazing how like tic tac and reels and Instagram and stuff has made actual magicians like not that impressive.


They're just like whatever that together. Cool. Like I just drank an entire carton of milk upside down.


There's some girl just showing her acrylics with four million views.


And you do gel's. Yeah. That's all people really care about. So funny. That was it's this is not news. This is this is a segment we like to call. Should have been bigger news.


This is the segment to call. Stop, stop doing that.


Should have be called Just learn the WAP. Nance, stay on the ground. Nexium, what are you going. Let me talk about this now. We can talk about it right now. And I best with this. So if you guys have not watched this documentary, I don't I don't know. I don't know what to tell you. Turns out you're not who I thought you were. You've changed.


It's on HBO, Max, or I don't want you to be Mad Max. It's the new HBO. Is it HBO? Go now.


Let's go on HBO, but to keep HBO, no go HBO, HBO, their new streaming service where they got the HBO show Suck is my password.


How many times a day to ask you for my HBO password? Just the HBO one.


Or is HBO, the HBO password and the HBO mags password?


All your passwords are the same password. So it really I mean, there's like a whole list of them, but they're all the same. Look, what's the max? What does Max mean? Climax, HBO climax. Oh, that's a good one. Is that the sex one? I'd watch that HBO climax.


That's just your special on a loop.


Now, I was not climaxing that year at all, frankly. It was just a lot of what I talked about in the special. So I'm obsessed with this call the Nexium call Nexium, Nexium and X.


I've, you know, validated my acid reflux medicine isn't real. Yeah. So I was I was in deep I was like, let me know more about this.


You've changed my life.


They all had acid reflux from Deep Throat in that cult leaders. Dick, I know right now. All right.


So I want to really slow down and talk about this cult because I. I need to zoom out, as we say in the biz. Zoom out. Zoom out, I need to understand why every cult leader is such a fucking doofus. So, I mean, they're all first of all, they're all like short guys that look like legumes.


Oh, you know, like they always look insane. There have been lots of cults like the Bikram yoga guy cult that happened recently. He was the guy that looked like the floating ball and big trouble in little China.


You can't be half bald with a ponytail. Don't follow that person. Why? You can't make decisions like why does every cult leader look like Jabba the Hutt? It's like wild how they're able to. You know what I think it is? Women think they're non-threatening. Oh, yeah. And that's how they get out, don't you think?


Is interesting? Because if an ugly person hits on you at a bar to the most threatening. So true. But like if they have if they keep saying the word authenticity, even though they look like the baby and total recall, they can start a cult.


This cult like Tommy Pickles, like if you ever think, what the hell, but there's something going on, you go.


We don't talk about short guys enough, dude. I'm telling you, Stollen five five. Vladimir Putin five seven. Motherfucker wears wedges.


Yeah, well known fact. OK, there's something there. I think short guys. No, they have to overcompensate by manipulating. How else are they going to get laid. So these short guys, these are the ones you got to watch, the ones with the low ponytail in the back.


Definitely a little bit. These are the ones you got to watch at any moment.


The low ponytail you should watch in general, because they're they're going to be handling snakes somewhere or like raising tigers, like don't don't fuck with those people, but they need to find ways to have power. They can't physically conquer our bodies. So they have to conquer our minds. Like this guy that ran the next game called Keith. Renea Raniere is his name.


Dude, everything he says was a hunch or nonsense. You hear him talking to these girls and he's like, well, pain and suffering, those are two completely different things.


And they're like, yeah, that was my senior quote.


Actually, that's nothing. That's a nonsense that he's insane.


It would be like so in order for creativity to happen, authenticity has to be congruent.


And they'd be like, oh yeah, you have to rearrange the things you think could happen for what will.


And you're like, I don't hear you read Paul's what I will say for everybody clowning on the women that were beguiled by that and hypnotized. We've all done that. We've all we all did this like in high school or college where some idiot was just using big words and in order you had never heard before and making eye contact with you and you bought it.


And you're like, yeah, that sounds genius. Like it's like watching a David Lynch movie. Like, you don't know what it means. Nobody knows what it means, but no one wants to seem stupid. So they all do. Yeah. They know what it means because they assume everyone else knows what it means. It's like this weird like mass hypnosis. I mean, the big thing in this document, the big selling point is he was in the Guinness Book of World Records.


I was like, yes, so is the person with the longest fingernail.


But you don't take hygiene advice from them. Do you think he has the highest IQ between what the woman who can jump the highest and the man who's a lizard? Like, what does that mean? Who is so stupid? The actual smartest in the world isn't running around like doing photo shoots for the Guinness Book of World Records. Yeah, they're not they don't have time. They're developing vaccines, dumb ass. Well, he created a new math, don't forget.


OK, that was my favorite part of the too.


When the guy goes, you create a new mathematics like wait for he said it.


Remember the guy asked him a question at the kitchen table. He goes, Well, I've actually invented this new math.


And he was like, awesome to know you did it. The only person I actually think would be cool is someone that got rid of the old math. I didn't like the first math. I don't want another math to have to learn. First of all, why are you trying to figure out how unemployed are you that you were like just sitting around inventing a new math signable? No, you didn't. Yeah, no, you fucking did it. No one could corroborate that claim because if you invented it, no one else knows it.


So no one else can check your math to make sure it's real math, some nerd shit that's like that's like I learned Klingon.


No, you didn't. I just like like no.


No you like. Also was the math that we had not working. Not for him. He was like two plus two is for he's like I don't see I don't think we need to. Well honestly there's two.


Two so now there's four to fix. This is like just making shit up. These people are like that is amazing.


Here's what I'll say, because the people that were so beguiled by him and that fell for it, I do think we don't talk enough about how cults are good because they keep crazy people off the streets, don't you think?


Like, this girl walks in and he's like sestra owls, the owls and mackerel, that crazy. She's it's insane.


I'm kind of obsessed with it, though.


But he goes, so why do you why do you like art? And she just starts crying.


I'm like, OK, this girl needs to be in an attic in Albany away from the rest of us, this bitch, because if she was not, she would be Marcellus in a Trader Joe's yelling at staff. Sitting in their face is like these are all would be carrots. She's wildly delusional, too, while also also may, if I may, defend them also I blame the dads. This is a lot of girls that did not get eye contact or easy bake ovens or that their dads dropped the ball.


Good parenting does not like her dad. Drop her because she's fucked, OK? When she went in there and she was like, guys, my life is perfect. I'm rich, I'm famous and everything. I like you an extra in Smallville, the back front entrance.


I was like, wait a second. All that was happening. But also this is kind of like hard to explain, but everything was also on camera. So you have to understand what a documentary is being made. Everyone knows they're on camera and they're also all kind of performing. So everyone's like, I used to be an actress. It's like, no, you're still an actress. You're recording your cult life like you're acting. You're on a reality show.


They record everything. You're like, we just need to be authentic. Well, why are you on camera all the time?


They're all on camera wearing, like, silk scarf.


They're all like, I just want to be able to find validation without needing anything from anyone. It's like, well, then why do you have seven cameras around you at all? Why do I have to film everything you do?


It's truly just a room of like fifty people talking about what they're going to do in the future. So they never do any nothing. They just sit in a house and be like, so we're going to eventually come to a place where we win when sir, we're going to get there. So fun. At least Scientologists lie. At least they're like we built some schools. Scientology gave me a whole new respect for Scientology. At least Scientology put some fucking effort into their religion.


There were aliens. There's like Satan's and levels. And they they have PowerPoint. They have award shows. Police wrote like a Lord of the Rings type back story. Yeah. This was just like like this guy just whispers nonsense.


Every time I say two words over and over again, dude, the volleyball. Here's what's so funny about the volleyball. I have a hot take on the volleyball. For those of you not that haven't seen it yet because you can't figure out your fucking HBO max password to you. Just just one person.


It's he makes the play volleyball every night from midnight to like 3:00 in the morning or something. And everyone's like the volleyball.


What is only in fucking Hollywood would the weirdest thing about a sex cult be the fact that they're playing volleyball. But this varlet, like the sex call, the branding, everyone's a guy that's got a normal.


That's what we do. This is Hollywood. This is like every time we go on an audition, we do those things, volleyball. It's such so elitist that people think volleyball is weird because I lived in Virginia. We love volleyball is we played it all the time. It's very fun. I was on the volleyball team. The reason that Hollywood people and like Twitter athletes are so confounded by the volleyball is because it's just a middle America sport. It's not if it was like yoga.


All right. What was ice skating? If it was like soul cycle or spinning or Pilates, they'd be like, wait, this cult is all things that are in sports.


It's like because it was called like the volleyball bar and or something. And everyone's like, oh, that looks poor.


Does like nobody wonder what this man is doing all day that he only made up at midnight. You even notice we never see him in the daytime.


He sleeps all day. The Bikram guy was like that too. Well I sleep all day. Wait, am I a cult leader from with. It's very common with podcast. Now I need to nap today. Venta knows this. I just don't understand what he's doing and no one cares.


He said to me it's a sex cult. He's trying to normalize kneepads. Was like he's he hated that shit. Every time he had knee pads on, I was like, what is he doing? He's just wearing them just everywhere. Why did that bother you so much? Because I understand. Like, at what point are you going these are grown adults looking. This man in knee pads. Tell me more, Papa.


I like the question, though. What? They had to give collateral. They had to give naked photos of themselves. Obviously, this guy was like getting off on them, sending the naked photos. And I have a hot take. What's so wrong with porn?


Oh, I don't know. Just watch legal real porn, why would you want to these girls, they were doing thing.


I mean, I have a question. What kind of sex freaks like these people are are also wearing tiny, shiny scarves?


Oh, I love that. The worst the fashion is the part you hate the most.


I just one the of to start pulling on those limbs to never stop. Like that's what it looks like.


It looks like I hate that scar and the body chains. I didn't see the body change yet. Yeah I know. They say that Allis-Chalmers wears the body changes are cute but she Christina Aguilera in the 90s like that's how you're going to promote your love sexy. I know they're cheesy, but they are sexy. Like when I, I a guy that I'm kind of dating, I looked at the people that he follows and I went to some I was like doing a little Instagram stock.


And then I saw that a girl had out a body change and I was like, that fucking bitch, that's cheating. Wearing a body chain is cheating. No, that's a nerd. Like you're Princess Leia. OK, that's we're going on it. We're going out of tangent. Guys fall for that shit. Body chains, chokers, guys love that shed. Body change. Yes, I'm telling you, no, no, excuse me, it's a hottelet male species.


Do you like body change? Their trashy, but they're hot.


I'm just I'm not talking over. We're going to get the answer. It's like vanilla perfume. Oh, I had that on fish in a barrel. It's one about body chains. I want to answer. Do you like body James? Body chains don't do any great press.


Dave is fired from the 90s. So who chokers. Chokers.


Yeah, yeah, yeah. Chokers are hot. Well, there isn't the same girls that wear chokers suck dick better or something.


Why isn't that a Pew Research study. The choker suck dick better. Isn't there something about girls that were chokers suck better dick or something because that's how they have to make money to survive for a while.


I don't know. Maybe their throats are tighter. I know because of the choker and I don't know. I heard this one time to bring a doctor back on. Oh, something's happened. What do you what's going on? Are you starting a call right now? Are you making a new math as we speak? OK, so here's what I'll say. One time I ordered this really cute choker off of the interweb and it had like a circle right here.


And then a bunch of people started doing me like, oh, yeah, I saw your choker like one o'clock. And I was like, oh, did I accidentally stumble into, like, some subliminal sex messaging? It's the same with my tattoo. I have a tattoo right here that is a on my wrist. That's a safety pin. And people will always message me like, oh, you have the safety pin. Like it's some people are men.


People, it's women, too. There's some weird cult about safety pins that I got this and I didn't know I had joined by. I mean, there's a lot with with I think when you wear a choker, it sends a message that you're like down to everything.


Remember when those rubber bracelets were a thing in the 90s, they were like, this one means you do anal and you're like, no, it's just I'm got of on topic like, no, I got it out of a cracker, like handkerchiefs like, well, this color, I mean, we're not in president. What do you talk about.


It's like you stop. I just I'm just blowing my.


It's a handkerchief you fucking freak. I love it.


I invented it. It's just crazy. I love that. Everything it's not sexual. I love it. Paignton the thing it's the most about the Nexium cult is that the scarves are cheap. It's like they are really cheap. But I really was like the fact that people were falling for this and I'm watching it and it's truly everything takes place. And like Hilton Honors Hotel, like someone's living room, everything is like a shitty one bedroom apartment.


He's always like the cult leader is always like waxing poetic on a like a IKEA mahogany couch that's just like covered in, like clam chowder. And it's like it's so obvious this is a shelter. And I don't know. Then what about. No, wait, what about the go ahead unfancy. Like, why is he you're just making me laugh because you're so excited. The fact that this motherfucker, like, pull up in a Ford Fiesta and everyone's like, this is our leader dude kissing his feet.


I know like dude that he's in a fucking PT Cruiser, like staying at the Doubletree, like at least the old show guy had, like Châtelet. If I'm going to join a cult, I want a little pomp and circumstance. I want I want an eyes wide shut sex party with masks and beaks and capes and yeah, we better live in a compound.


I want to Gaila again.


Galla OK, she wants gay guys. Can we. We've just skipped over the fact in this documentary they sprinkled in the fact that they cured Tourette's.


Like we're fully just like we cured Turits anyway. If we're going on a walk at three you're like No no we have to go back you guys, you have to watch this. Here's the thing. The first if I was twenty two before 12 step program and you had no friends, I that's called, I would have been in that called hundred percent Hondo. Hondo that's how we know.


I absolutely would have. They had some good, they make some good points. I'm not going to lie. And then they, it does seem like they cured.


No it doesn't. They just it's a commercial where they just showed someone who's now not having a moment. They just cut out the Terran.


Pretty convincing. I actually I, I if that can help me stop interrupting people in the podcast, I'll do it.


I will suck that guy's dick to stop getting comments that I'm interrupted is and also really they're just like we've cured Tourette's anyways. Guys, we have to sell five more packets to eight more clients. No. No. How come there's no doctors here? There's nobody wants the secret.


I mean, it is a pyramid scheme before. But here's the other thing I really like. Oh, my God. It was like all these girls got together and they branded. They all got the same brand and it was and they didn't eat. It's like. You mean a sorority, you know.


Right. We've all done that. Like, by the way, it's not that different from spring break. Ninety seven. Like I did the same exact thing, except it was in Panama City, Florida, and it wasn't a brand, it was a dolphin tattoo on the back of my neck. I mean, that's a fact.


You know how many infinity symbols and tiny stars I've covered up in my makeup career? Yes.


I'm just saying, like girls and getting together and they branded each other like every group of girls has done that at Lake Havasu on spring break. It was just like a little Chinese symbol that said, breathe, the only thing that will last forever.


That shitty tattoo. So sorry. I mean, this is fucked up that I'm laughing about it. But they were like I got branded and I thought it was a mountain with three lines through it. And then I turned sideways and it was his initials. Like, maybe before you get a tattoo, look at it from every angle.


First of all, can we talk about that to other just naked in a van blindfolded. They're like, OK, guys, so it's going to represent the elements.


What are you guys Wicken now? What did the elements come into play? It was just so funny that she was like and then I looked at it sideways, like, first of all, how did you look at it sideways? You have to if you're going to get a tattoo as a woman near your pussy, look at it from the angle that the person going down on you is going to look from every angle because the tattoo is not for sure.


Like this way. It's Allison Mack. I think, first of all, the demon look like, oh, it was Allison Mack. And then you turned it and it was Keith Rainier's. Yeah, but I'm just thinking like, wow, come on, if you agreed to the elements, Tetuan, you have nothing to do with anything. Tattoo sucked before you found out it was some random, creepy leprechaun's name and then him and then him being like, what was I involved?


Because I gave them the equipment to brand people. Is that why you think I was involved?


Who are you trying to trick you? Dude, I it's also makes me laugh because motherfucker, like, thought he was going to get away with this, like like I'm going to put twenty girls in a house.


What could go wrong, like that's a brothel. The fact that he was so surprised that 20 girls couldn't keep a secret, like are we known for our ability to keep secrets? Is this like are we known? And by the way, I'm going to starve them. They're not going to be able to eat like are we known for being so amicable when we're hungry?


And right now you're going to get a bunch of girls together, make them hungry and let them just gossip about you all day. Like, what do you think's going to happen, homie? And then the relationship where they all have to, like, ask for everything, like, may I eat? May I do this? Yeah. Well, let's try to throw you in that real quick.


They all kind of know this is what it was explained what it was. They did this thing where they the part of the DOM relationship was that in your master would have to let you eat, would have to let you do everything you go to plan to eat, all that stuff. It's basically like a like a band in person. It's basically like a real live. What are those things that you step thing a bit? It's like it was like a real life Fitbit, like, can I have one hundred calories.


Can I have that. Oh yeah. Yeah. I mean that's having a weight coach.


Well in episode four that girl, the one who want me shown is like this could have happened to anyone. I know it could.


No, no. The whole I watched the entire documentary being like if this was Whitney, she would never they would be like, you have to leave. Oh, yeah.


I love the idea of you being in. I really wish you would go join. I don't think I could be in a call still going on. I'd get so bored. I know the trial is happening now. And also, you know that this was all funded. They had a tremendous amount of money from the girls that started Seagrams.


Yeah, one of the Brockman's put one hundred and fifty million dollars for this call. And it was, oh my God, I couldn't believe she did that. Really? Her dad got rich getting people drunk. What did you what kind of like ethical paragon of ethics did you think this was coming from there? Like, how could this girl do this with a father that got rich getting people drunk so they could drive and die?


Like I mean, it's like her father was a piece of shit to the disease. What if a arrow just hit me in the neck because I just attacked a bronze medal and they couldn't afford to worry?


Oh, the bronze should not be coming after liquor empires.


It's probably a bad idea who gives a shit?


Does this one still go on this? It's called no, it's no. I mean, the liquor empire has to. All right. Of course. Yes. You kidding?


My family alone has kept them in business. Yes. I was breastfed. Seagrams, I know this. I've been in this cult. I mean, yeah, her dad started a cult, too. It's called Alcoholics Anonymous. They come in cults.


You guys really have to watch this documentary because it's so good.


All right. We've got to stop Hilary Duff. I love her so much. What a treat. What a delight. It's a banger like subscribe. We're going to start doing giveaways.


Guys like subscribe comment.


This reminds me a lot of you talking about celebrities froze their Instagram and then you'd be like, subscribe, follow you guys.


We need to talk about that. Sorry, I forgot to bring this up. The Instagram freeze. Did you guys see that celebrities froze their Instagram, quote unquote, to, quote, stop hate because of Facebook? What the fuck is going on? Why are celebrities so out of touch? They're like, we're going to take a day off lecturing you guys about causes we know nothing about in order to promote another cause. We know absolutely nothing about that.




I would love a day without you trying to relate to me by eating Taco Bell. But you know why? I mean, talk about it all I can afford. It's not a fun trip. I would love to have a day off from you guys lecturing me about who to vote like please. Like when they're like we're going to boycott Instagram for day. Everyone's like, bitch, I muted you years ago when you were posting photos of yourself with politicians.


Yeah, OK. I love the people, like the celebrities that are freezing their Instagram. They're like, we're doing this because it's Facebook, it's pro Trump. And this is spreading hate about pro Trump. Bitch. The reason Trump got elected is because you wouldn't stop posting selfies of yourself with Hillary. That's why he won. Right. Also question, don't most of you have shows on Facebook watch?


Yeah, I just drive by billboard with you on it.


They're like you guys, I'm boycotting Facebook. Also watch my new show on Facebook.


Watch. Yeah. Next month I'll come back because we have a we have a good episode.


And the fact that celebrities thought that they were muting their Instagram and like boycotting Instagram for a day, dumb asses, you realize that usually your posts show up a day or two days later anyway because of the algorithms. So you weren't even boycotting the day you thought you were boycott.


Also, do you think I've seen all your photos? I kind don't look at anybody else's page.


Also, do you think that, like, we're all going to fall apart if you don't post a photo of yourself on a red carpet?


I'd be like, I love Miss wearing dresses. Miss can't wait to get back to this. Like, do you really think we're just going to fall apart and completely unravel?


If you don't post a makeup free selfie, no filter like we're good, we're fine, we'll do OK.


Yeah, I can I can go one day. Without that, I would assume you'd use that date. I don't know. Do some work. Also, if we do need to see a photo of you, we can Google you whatever we want. Right. Like we don't we don't live for people. These celebrities are such Nazis. They think we're just like on their feed.


Like, give me a photo. I need another photo. I need to see you with dog years. With that said, please follow me.


Please follow us. It's very important we post a photo every day.


Funny to me that celebrities don't understand that when they post about politics, it makes people vote for the opposite party. Like like. Yeah, I hated that movie.


Watch this. I know that's your thing. You guys get off Facebook. It's promoting hate. You mean the way we found out about your last movie? Also, you might be thinking about your movies that we paid to see and now you're lecturing me about how to vote. Is I mean, that's true, that's not wrong, but also my Facebook isn't hateful because fun fact, I can control who I add to it.


Yeah, I'm entirely trolling people that are posting hate over who's in charge.


Oh, it's very elitist. Not like Facebook, because let me tell you a fun fact.


In in Southhampton breaks it down into teeny tiny southern towns. That's how hairdressers but clients. That's how I got every every comedy show was booked through Facebook. Every makeup job I got was on Facebook. People use Facebook as a career because they don't get to go on TV every day until their opinion.


So they have to do it on Facebook to their little friends. Hollywood, Batten's coming for you. Yeah, Facebook is where working class people get work. They're allowed to have line. We are protecting the working class by trying to cancel Facebook, which is where the working class gets their jobs.


All you're doing is shutting down the voices, those people, because that's where they get to voice them. That's what they get to do. And also, what if what if what if Tina is having a sale on on on bleach on them, a little bleach that she's doing in the middle of Kliper Salon. And you've done shut down Facebook and now her kids can eat. When Benton's mad, he gets more. So they ain't going to take a trip to Six Flags.


Now, watch them yellowjackets.


Yeah, yeah. They'll come for you. You watch them and you get truly if that is such an elitist thing to be like, we hate Facebook and then be in a TV show for it or whatever the hell that is, that's ignorant. You get pissed off.


I don't get it. It's like you other people can have opinions too. And if I don't like the opinion, I can. But I really have more control on Facebook and Instagram than I do anywhere else in my life. In real life, if you're being offered a restaurant, can't make you leave being a fool, I have to leave.


OK, on Facebook, I can get rid of you in a heartbeat.


I'll never to see you again. You'll never see me again. I'm afraid to cut you off bendin because you are now. Yeah.


OK, again, I want you to know you guys, Benton let it be known loud and clear. Hilary Duff, I love you guys. Thank you.


Termin elephants don't ride elephants. You guys. We are so effective at talking about our sponsors that our producer is currently activating his daily harvest subscription. Let's look at Chris's order. Chris is actually because of the way we have so elegantly, eloquently, passionately and accurately spoken about the delights of daily harvest. He has taken matters into his own hands and ordered the the strawberry and peach smoothie.


Oh, that's my favorite. Getting in touch with his feminine side over here. I heard her. Heard her.


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I know. Well, also, it's just like fruit is such a nightmare. OK, well, because you're saying this is this is why I love her.


The easiest food to eat now, it's because fruit is a sabotages your entire existence because you get oranges and then you get bananas and they all go bad at different times. And it's like you never know when the bananas bad, but you want banana and orange for the oranges. It right. Beatts And then you want pear. But the pear is rotten now.


Oh do you want to eat fruit different than me. I buy fruit and I mean it. All right then all the ones I get six oranges. That's what I want to. How many.


Six here being funny today that I just want to know.


That's really true. So I like Daily Harvest because it's all these different fruits already cut up already in the fridge like fruits that I would never be so brave as to attempt to put a nice fruit.


Where do you even start. I don't even know what they taste like. Everyone says you need dragonfruit. It's so healthy. Don't even know how to approach your dragonfruit in the store. Terrified, so sacred. I want to touch you.


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Yeah. And Cachao don't know where to buy that, but I really enjoy it. Don't frankly don't know what it is. Don't get sugar, some sort of chocolate and I like it. The cold brew I love. It's like you don't have to put coffee. Yeah.


I have to have coffee at all times and I don't know how they do this but they have, they have one that's chocolate and hazelnut. It's a smoothie that's already all pre cut in and it has avocados and they're fresh right there.


Oh they're doing this was really stupid. But I love the fact that because they're frozen, I don't have any ice.


Can I tell you ice is a hassle? Sometimes I had my nightmare. You got to break it up and then it falls everywhere and then you can't pick it up off the ground. It keeps slipping out of your hands. It's like trying to pick up soap in prison. You don't know what's going to sneak up behind you when you're picking up that ice. Dangerous.


I don't have an ice maker, and neither do you because you're relatable. So we have to scoop it out with our hands. And that is it's not I don't like ice pick around the house.


I can't let Benton loose with this temper and an ice pick in my own home. Who knows what with his temper.


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Are you wearing me undies on these dates. Well that was an organic Segway. Well, we're in this we're in the ad section.


They know. We tell them beforehand.


I'm telling you, I thought undies. You know that I've been married, man. I always wear them to work out because they don't move and give you a front thong. They don't try to chainsaw you in half the the sides of the underwear. Just stay all day without giving you a rash, without cutting into you. They really do and they don't move around. Listen, I have large balls.


No one, please don't mention my genitals. I have many Republican. I have large balls.


Oh, my God. Legs. What is wrong with you? Do we have to start over? No, no, no I don't. But do not say I will fight. I'm contacting a lawyer who you call a lawyer or starting over.


You tricked me when I signed it. No one said that was. That was your subconscious. No, that's not true. I would never say that.


First of all. Oh, my God, I hate this show ever going back fucking.


I ain't doing this.


You're a monster is so stupid now. You just want to go viral based on something you said. I do not want to say it. You said it. I repeat you an just sitting. I've got nothing to say. You are the next one. Let me tell you to the next level. And excellent. Excellent. Am I toxic. OK, anyway, so Mandy is ready to like me and is pleased by me.


But ok, let's go to court. OK, we're going to court. Will you please say your statement of why you're suing me. I came up with again. I'll think of something I can't get.


I can't, I can't wait to hear your your your ball retort, but I wouldn't you to shut up.


OK, anyways.


Oh I think you're frazzled because you're thinking about me wearing my undies. You're thinking about week when I was going to say was it I have big thighs and then I wear briefs and they never cut into me either, which is a very shocking women's briefs job.


Well, I have a very big labia. Are you trying to fit in now? We just started that over.


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So that when I show my hand on a bra for your boobs, when I take my clothes off and I have a little ghost undies for the guy I'm dating, I don't ghost me.


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Farewell. Like in a sneeze, you guys, OK, I'm going to try to hide it. Oh, my God, are you OK? Oh, my God. Do you want to get your attention? I really don't need a tissue. I'm just. It's a fire. It is. I know. I've been suggested everyone.


I'm like on cocaine because I was like I was like Canmore.


You have covered, which is terrible. Did you see the meme that went around that was like I used to cough to cover my fart, but now I haven't to so good.


Mom, I'm sorry you asked and I love it. That's more than a laugh, but really funny to me that is like my kind of humor.


I want to watch, OK. Have you ever done a podcast like this? No, I haven't.


Not. How did we get you. How did why are you doing. You texted me. Why are you here doing this? So I was like, this is what a bad client I am. I don't think they find out things that they're like. Did you want to mention? I'm like, oh yeah, yeah. But it's usually like a friend or something. I can't believe I conned you into doing that. You didn't have to be. I was so excited.


I have to be honest, we've had a lot of really fancy people on this podcast. See, that's why I was like, I ought to be a part of that fancy crew, truly.


That's how I get gas. I just try to capitalize on their insecurities, make them feel left out. That's how I'm able to get people to do this. But this is by far the most pressure I've felt of anyone. But why he.


Cause we're friends.


I know, but we're friends like for real from we didn't we met in a way that was like, I know you kind of for you, but I have I work with a lot of younger people that you're like their God. Oh my God.


I is that I mean that's stress. It just makes me feel really old. I mean, and then sometimes really cool, like, so there's this artist and my husband's obsessed with baby pictures and I mean, I'm obsessed with her too. She's amazing. And we went to her show. It was actually the first outing we went to after I had banks like I think she was maybe two weeks old. And so I was just like milky and gross and just like, you know, you know how milky and gross.


Yeah. Like, just I'm just like a milk machine. Like, I had just that it just comes out without you don't get to schedule it or there's not like a button.


I just I truly don't know which going to be ready. So I don't even know what would come out just like Tupperware. I don't not even know I got no.


Well you eventually get on a schedule and then like if that's a feeding, do I need to talk to this thing? You're the famous musician for me.


I feel like you know way more about microphones tonight with this. If if if like in the beginning, you're just kind of like the baby's feeding on demand. So you just, like, have milk all the time, OK? I'm talking a big game because I actually don't even make that much milk, which is really sad for me.


But anyway, we go out a lot of women, that's like we can go into that milk. I know it's like abortion shaming out there. It's worse than being pregnant, honestly breastfeeding. Like there's that really sweet connecting moment and you're like, I'm feeding my child. And like, you know, it's lovely. It's so incredibly painful in the beginning. Then if you don't make enough milk, which I never did, you've, like, sat there for over an hour feeding your baby and then you're just like and I have to go make a formula because I'm not enough.


I didn't make enough. It's still hungry. It's still crying. It's never going to sleep. Like, it just it sucks. You feel like there an app for that. There's an app. Everything we beat this technology.


Isn't there better technology than it's called formula.


Why do we want and what does it feel like? Is it a little biting like a vampire that goes away and it doesn't hurt?


But like for me, for six weeks it felt like someone was like slicing my nipples off with like a razor like horrible like like like shards of glass, just not pleasurable for, you know, it's not a night is not a nice aggressive I'm in a good way in a bad, very bad way.


Anyway, I was going on to Phoebe Bridges because it was our first outing and I'm in the car, like pumping, pumping, pumping. Like I'm going to make it to a concert, I'm going to make it. And then I don't know how he knew someone was there, but like Phoebe found out we were there and she was like, I started singing because of her. And I was like, first of all, she's like eons away, more talented than I am.


So I was like, that is amazing. But like, sometimes I hear cool stories like that where I'm like, that's pretty cool. But I still it still makes me feel.


No, it's really I know when people come up to me and they're like, I watched you as a kid and like, you're my hero. I'm like, oh God, that means I have crow's feet. Like, I need to go exfoliate. Yeah. So it's always like a little bit of a bittersweet compliment, but it is wild because I have not had this kind of reaction from people. This comedian I'm writing with right now, Taylor Tomlinson, she's twenty six years old and she's like, you scared like she used me.


And I am like it's a very intense you're like she acts just like that. Yeah. Yeah.


It's it made me think because I always start the podcast contextualizing how we know each other, if we're real friends, if we're being Hollywood phonies, what it is, because that's the whole point of podcasting, is we don't have to like go on talk shows where people were pretending we're friends with and having this inauthentic conversation that's been pre scripted.


I when I first met you and I'm also obsessed with how we project on to people and through our insecurities at other people and our fear takes over. I feel like when I first met you, I was probably a bitch because I completely ignored you, because I remember going like she's so famous. Just leave her alone like this, because we, like, worked out together in the same space.


Oh, my God. I never feel like you were a bitch to me. I'm obsessed with the things we invent in our heads that never happens because I was I would spend so much amount of energy being like, just say hi to her and leave her alone. Just let her have this time, because it just makes me think, like when you're this famous, you never get you don't ever get time off from being famous. Oh, my God, you're so funny.


I feel like I don't ever feel like I'm not famous, but thank you. So that's because everyone's pretending you're not because I'm way more important. We're all pretending we don't know who you are. So you don't think you're famous? That's so funny. Is that what it is? Because we're all like, don't look at her. Don't make you feel weird. Oh, my God. Half the time I'm like, I don't belong here. I'm not cool enough to be here.


So everyone's, like, completely ignoring you because they're trying to not make you uncomfortable. So now you really do feel like you're not famous.


OK, so I have that. Yes. Friends, I tell my husband that I'm like, I'm so not really like I don't know why.


And meanwhile, they're like she's like, I don't want to be the asshole who's like, yes. But in reality, she's like, you're like, why?


You know the difference. There's famous, there's notorious. And then there's like beloved. And I think that you have this beloved thing. We're. People very much feel like connected to you, unlike a soul level, it's not like, oh, they're like you're the only person we're friends with, like, can I come? I'm like, no, you come like famous people, friends of mine who are truly famous will come. And I'm like, What?


I know. I thought it was weird, too. I was like, pull yourself together. So I feel a lot of pressure to like, get this right. And everyone is sending me questions to ask you. And I just kind of wonder. Let's definitely go through all of that. I just want to, like, hang out with you. So, OK, so what is your what is our relationship?


I don't know.


I was just sitting in my head thinking, well, there was a time you didn't hire me for that job and you were trippin on being a bitch to me at a gym. No, no. Everybody I think she was really a bitch about it that I didn't get that job. I'm just kidding. I love you.


Think I'm the only person that got that? No, no, no. Well, first of all, that is I don't know if I'm forgetting about the gym part, but like when we first like the first time I met you, you were like, lovely to me in the like, helping me, working me through the audition. And like, that's how that's my first recollection. But I'm a little braindead.


And then we worked out together and we were in the same gym and we sometimes have the same time slots.


And I remember watching her workout and you are such a beast. And I just remember being like God, like, she's so gorgeous, she's so elegant, she's so sweet, so funny. And then you would just like be doing this, like, box jumps. You were like like covered in like chains like I mean, just like lifting five times your body weight. And I was like, she's just like a little beast. I am a little beast.


I feel like I've always been that way. Like I've always been just a rerate like you have grit.


Where does that come from? I don't know. I really don't know. I think it's just kind of who I am. My daughters like that. My mom from the day I was born was like, Hillary, you could apply red lipstick better than me by the time you were like three and a half, but you could climb trees higher than all the boys. And I was like, that really does sum up a big part of my personality. Like I feel like I'm really feminine and girly and I love like to smell good and I love to like, make potions and I love to do like hair, makeup and fashion and blah, blah, blah.


But like I, I do really love to like, push myself. And I grew up being a gymnast and and I really love food too. So do it.


So you basically are like I do this so that I can indulge myself. So have you carried that on with your daughter in terms of like allowing her to climb trees and not because I feel like the moms that let their daughters put themselves in danger, the ones that had grit like you have. Yeah.


I try to keep her alive, obviously, but I don't really hover at all like she I mean, the other day I found her in the chicken coop, you know, so she's she's monitored.


But she's like, also, I have a pod going on at my house right now with, like, Lukas, he's eight. And so for eight year olds. And they'll be you know, they do their pee in a recess outside. And I have a lovely backyard with, like a trampoline and, you know, just space for them to run. And sometimes they'll be four big kids on the trampoline. And then she has, like, locked her legs out, like just like stiff knees with her body.


She's like like just being bounced up so high. And if I try to pull her off, she's like, no, no, no.


Like, she's just like she's she's tough.


Do they know you're famous? Some of the kids do. Yeah. That that happened in first grade. Where. Oh, my God. One of my son's friends. Oh no. My son did it to me. Look, I did it to me.


Your son recognized you, but he had no idea what I did for the longest time. Like, he saw me on the cover of a magazine once. And we were like just at the grocery store.


And I think it was like Cosmopolitan or something like kind of hottest sex trick. Yeah, exactly. My God, no. I think there was something about anal right by my head on that particular that particular about how you were conceived that I should have done.


But no, he's my good child. Yeah, right. That's right. That's right. The one I'm kidding.


They're both good all the time. Perfect angels.


I know. I'm watching this in 20 years. I think he thought like. Oh yeah.


And then it's just Shane's mommy's turn like next week, like on the cover of the magazine, you know, like he just thought like, oh mommy's rotate on this.


Oh my gosh. Mom's are on magazines. Yes. Cut you photoshopping your other kids. Mom's on the Cosmopolitan but he so he got in the car. This is like maybe a year after that he got in the car, picked him up once and he was like, I know your name. And I was like, I hope so. You're in first grade, you know. And he was like, but I know your real name. And I was like, What?


What's that? And he was like, Hilary Duff.


And I was like, Yeah, you knew that. Yeah. And then it was like like I forget what happened after that. My story's a bust. But he just kind of it was funny. He obviously knew my name, but someone at school must have said, like, I know who your mom is and it's this. And so like my name all of a sudden became this like different kind of secret like thing. And I was like, yeah, I kind of had to have the talk, like, you know, not all mommies are on the magazines and not all mommies are on TV.


And we've you've come to sat and watched her on.


Oh, and he can't there's nothing worse for him. It's like pulling his fingernails off to come to set. He's like, why are you doing the same thing over and over again. He doesn't understand.


It's so interesting to me that having to have that conversation with your kid, have they seen any of your work? Not so interested.


Not not fans and not a fan of my work now. And I actually reached out. I did the first like thing where I would try to pull a string as like a celebrity mom, because people have pulled so many strings with me over my whole entire career.


Like, I never do this.


And that's usually like, I don't know, Rita Wilson and Tom Hanks is someone, you know, and they're like, but, you know. So I called my manager the other day and I was like, yo, the Steven Universe, get me on it. I don't know how. Like, I need to be a voice on Steven Universe. Lucas would freak out and she's like, Oh, OK, I'll look into it cause we actors like they stop shooting two years ago, like, oh, OK.


So your choices are basically how to get on shows that your kids are going to think I'm cool. Yeah. Yeah. Do you watch the shows with them.


Well, I watch Steven Universe with Luka. It's like a thing that we do together and it's pretty hardcore, like I'm invested and it's not completely painful. I'm actually really good. There's something funny to me about, like thinking of Tom Hanks being forced to watch Lizzie McGuire with his kid.




Or like like Stephen. I'm trying to play. Oh, cool. Hulbert door.


No, it's yeah. It's like he's even played Santa Stephen Dark.


I, I feel like that was the first celebrity I met in Hollywood and I was like, oh my God, Devendorf. I mean, on a good day, we don't like him playing Santa Claus on Lizzie McGuire, you know, he didn't want to do that like his fiancee that we're sure, right. Everybody is obsessed with this.


Lizzie McGuire, why is this chick? This chick? What is it? I think I know it's just because you're just so magical and relatable. And what is it? Why? I don't know. Is there a bigger icon, legend or star than Lizzie McGuire? I'm trying. My mind was Hannah Montana.


I almost said, but I don't think that's her job. Main job is to be a dick to me, to keep her humble.


That's everything. I shut her down. All everyone needs to know is when I tell her all the time I'm the boss. But can I tell you maybe this is why you're so sane and humble? Because the main thing that people were telling me last night when I was talking about you was like, how come she hasn't gone crazy?


How come she's not a nightmare? It's you.


You've kept her in check. A nightmare before me. No, I did a pretty good job before her.


How did you get credit? Whitney know it can't be you who was in the room now, OK, between your mom and you? Yeah, my mom did a really good job. There's there's this funny story that my mom and I came home literally six minutes late when I was 17 and a half years old. And my mom took my cell phone away for like a couple of days and I was like, savage.


She finally clued in. I was like, I paid that bill. I want my phone back. But like, you have this mortgage, got the clocks. That or how, you know I'm late. Yes. Yes, exactly.


That did not clue in for like a long time, which is not like it's not like I was so sheltered. I was definitely like I went out to clubs and like did my thing and you know, my mom was great with not like she didn't spend all my money, which is so wonderful, you know, bars low for moms.


Thank you for not spending all my money on drugs. Thanks, Mom.


I kind of is that a lot of the time, which is so sad. And I want to talk about your relationship, OK, because I have much time. Do I. Oh, this goes on for about the most substantive like three hours.


So you're going to have to drag us out here tooth and nail. You're going to have to drag her out.


I have a theory that I knew you were going to get married before you did.


You did it to him. Yep. OK, why? I saw you two at Rusty's dog store. Oh, yes. Once. Yeah. And I saw you before that at Katsuya. I want to say, like I saw you to once, I didn't say hi once we did OK. And I saw the way he followed you out like you were leaving the sushi restaurant and he kind of was like shielding you. I can't explain it. He had his hands sort of behind you and I was walking behind you and I was like, oh, they're going to cause I got a big ass.


He's like, you've got to over. You had super high heels on. And that bubble ass, like your body's dangerous like you are. It's not safe for you to walk around in the world.


It's like, does she follow? Why is he hovering around her like that?


And I remember just going, that is love like that is I remember being like, I hope she knows him.


I got him. She's you know, she's either going to be or she's going to marry you to marry her or he's going to kill her one.


No, in between. When did you know?


Honestly, I didn't even know when we had a baby together.


This is the kind of shit I love. Yeah. Yeah. We actually love to talk about this all the time because we had this, you know, we broke up twice. Once I broke up with him after how long with me. The first one was like a six month run with like a a year in between. And then we were in Hawaii. What were you what was your age?


I was like separated from my husband. Like, I wasn't even fully divorced yet. We were definitely, like, living apart and able to see other people. And we knew it was going to be over, but it was just complicated.


My son was like two and a half. I was like starting to make a record. He was really busy touring and stuff. So I don't know, it just it kind of fizzled and didn't feel like we were going to have a lot of time to. Like spend together and grow and whatever, like it just kind of. And what's the rule on how soon he could meet your.


He didn't meet Luka that time around and he didn't even meet Luka until we started dating the second time.


And I'd say for Dreama for sure a while, because I would imagine a big part of it is seeing how they interact.


Yeah, huge. But like, he's such a sensitive. Like he you know, if you tell him one time, you're like, oh, I'm having this thing and I want to, he'll be like, Oh, I know it looks like he'll like, go buy your book and just be like he's just so, you know, engaging with people and lovely. So I knew that he was going to be great with Luka. He also I have a ton of, like, parallels with his mother chocker.


I know.


And I love the they love their mothers. You know, we're gonna marry them. Yeah. His mom had a son who is ten years older than Matt and they, like, obviously lived together all the time. But like Matt's dad basically raised Chris. And so I don't know, it's just it's like a lot of the same. But Chris was never like I don't think Matt even knew Chris was his half brother for the longest time, you know?


And so I think that that never part of my life never scared. Matt, do you and his mom get along really well?


So well, on the way over here when we fight, I call her. What does that tell on her? I don't want all the time I get to work and she's like and I talked to Rhonda and yeah, Rhonda, what a wonderful Reim has asked for Rhonda calling Rhonda. Yeah, she's the best.


She's also a therapist. So like I know Rhonda, the therapist and mother in law, she's going to love this day.




I would not fuck with Rhonda. No, she's a therapist. Jesus, she's amazing. She's amazing.


So, like, you should tell her about border. Oh, I thought, oh, my God, what did I do? I forget I sent like, she gets big.


This girl likes to shop and she got a big shop up. Here's the thing about shop. Can we just for a second. Why shop up? I feel like in the last six months I've gotten too old for shop up. Oh really. Everything's like got poofy shoulders. I don't know if they're prom dresses like they've got like I'm just like I just got to old. Everything is like biking shorts is have to stick to Mediapart. It's very, I think it's very I have to graduate.


It's true.


Like Coachella for me it's like lots of belly strings and such but for like jeans and like music like jeans, it's in the work.


She'll spend more time on top up than listening to me but. Oh yeah, no I'm on top up right now.


I'm like, please keep talking. No. All adding to cart all day. All Benton does is return except for the job up.


Except for that on chop up your freaking car disappears after fifteen minutes of not purchasing and then you'll put two hours in making the car and you're like oh I end up just screengrab, screengrab, screengrab. And I'm like, can you handle this. Thank you son.


That is the story of my life. Adding things to cart so meticulously for like forty five minutes and then I go and they're all gone.


Waste of the day. Oh my God. OK, so Rhondda. So she's just telling me I sent her a huge box, I sent her a pair of boots as a gift from shop meet and then I next order and then my next order. I forgot to change the address. Have you ever done that? And I sent her a ginormous box of things that had like nipple pasties and like underwear. Everything was like size small. A dominatrix suit.


Yeah. Yeah, like pedal's. Yeah. But yeah, the little ones that are like look like I should have gone, I should have like gone deeper with that. That's on this thing right now.


He doesn't like nipples so I have to cover them up. He wouldn't believe me.


Probably you guys should just start, you should just start buying tube everything and just start dressing exactly like you wanted your mom. You got her. Here I go. OK, so you broke up with him the first time. Timing is everything didn't work out the second time.


He wished me happy birthday on my birthday. And isn't that right?


We were like, I have been seeing someone I know well. That person might kind of been back and forth with you. So it wasn't so serious. Anyway, he I was coming back to New York. I was coming back to L.A., I was shooting in New York. And I was almost like at the tail end. And he's like. Something about was this the time I can't remember anything right now, wasn't it when did he reach out on when did he reach out through words with friends?


He poked me on words with friends, poked you all the poke. So if you're going to poke me cerveteri in.


Oh, so funny. Yeah. Oh, this was the third time. I really can't remember. It's a mess and it got really messy. And this is a roller coaster ride. I think you saw me Atsushi. If you didn't say hi to us, probably that was like the first time we were like getting back together. We always go for a sushi meal and then it's like we're back in the races. Yeah. So then we started dating again.


That was like six months and then he broke up with me because the third, why the third and didn't come back, I actually I think I poked a little too hard.


What was the wrong hole? Sorry, sir. What was his reasoning?


We had a kind of a really I had a rough night. I gave it I really gave him a piece of my mind one night.


It was kind of emotional time for me. And and he was just like, yeah, we're not this is not good right now. You just let it out. I did.


Which I'm always torn on because it's like I think we have to be authentic in our relationships. But at the same time, my therapist is always telling me about restraint of pen and tongue. Not everybody needs to know everything. And your person isn't your dumping ground. And I was like, no, but I'm being authentic. I just, like, let out all my feelings and emotions. She's like, no, no, no. That's not for him.


That's for your therapist. That's for your girlfriends. Like, you have to restrain. You know what I will say? I will say that there was some things going on that we needed to work out. And he kept putting them off, putting them off, putting them on. And so I was like, there's just this like this like. Thickness in the air that I can share. Yes, yeah, and I don't work that way like I've one thing that's so great about a relationship, we will have an explosive fight, like every two couple days maybe.


But it's totally normal, right? Yeah, totally. I would I would say probably every two months have like some we got to cleansing a purging.


Yes. And it always ends like constructively and lovingly and great. But like we never are at each other's throats are like Nipe with one another or never passive aggressive. No, I can't. I can't. That's horrible. That sounds really smart. It's like a purge. It's like a Marie Kondo. Like it just took us a while to get there. And the whole thing of me being like, I feel like we need to talk about this thing and I'm feeling this.


And I you know, even if you're not like, it's still real for me, blah, blah, blah. And he was just kind of like and so I just like, let him have it one night. And he was like, yeah. Was that New York? Yeah.


And do you know anything about, like, your love language or any of that? I don't know a ton about that. It's like it's because I find a lot of times a lack of communication for me. I translate to rejection and abandonment and being dismissive, like I fill in the blanks. Yeah. So the conversation and then you've made it all up in your head. All of it all. I've projected everything. If I don't hear from you, I will make up your dialogue.


I will just write you write the script, I'll write the script. I sent you this. I'll send you the salmon pages and I just made you so good. So double the Goldenrod pages.


And so for me, I need a lot of communication. It's taken me a really long time to not fill in the blanks negatively and just go. Let me just wait to hear what the person actually has to say instead of making up their inner monologue.


Yeah, totally. And approaching it like I've learned, I have to ask a lot more questions instead of like tell. Well, why why did you. I'm trying to think I'm trying to go back to that, I would go. Well, you just probably did that because you thought I was going to be mad at you. Right? And then they're like, well, why are you talking me into my thought? Yes. Yes. Wow. That's such a good piece of advice.


Just ask them. Ask more questions. Don't tell them.


I'll I'll I'll basically give you a lead, especially if I don't want to leave, especially if I don't want a red flag to come up, especially if I'm conveniently trying to avoid the truth, to not have the relationship. And I'm like, well you just did that because you're insecure, because your childhood. Right.


That's why you did that when me know you just texted that girl because like, she texted you and you don't want to be rude and like you just want to be nice. Right. Is that why I was. That's right. That's why I like. That's the reason why. OK, we're moving on.


Like, I don't want to ask because then I'm risk. You don't want to know. I'm risking the truth and I just hurt. Yeah. Yeah.


So then how did you know.


What was nice about ours was that it leveled the playing field and I was like, if you can't even let me like come in properly apologize. Which he did not let me do.


That's not for me. Like we're not ever going to be able to communicate well, you know, so we just really literally stop talking. Remember how long he left his damn guitar at my house? It was like finally I put a deadline on it and I was like, OK, well, I'm leaving your guitar at the garden gate and it'll be there for twenty four hours putting it on eBay. I signed it and I'm putting it on eBay. Yeah.


Six million dollars. Thank God that guys can be such jerks. Well he left the guitar.


I think he knew what he was doing laying around like no you clearly that was his way of saying like I'll be back.


Well he wasn't. I was like, your guitar is going to be at the guard gate for twenty four hours, like. And then what happened, and he went got his guitar and then I had to move to New York, so we were like it was anyway, it was kind of just like and I was so sad. I was really sad. I got a puppy, I got Momoh. Healthy, very healthy. The support that I feel like sometimes might still still holds it against Nomo that he was like his buddy, the rebound rescue.


But it was it was probably about five months. And then we reconnected again. And that's when he reached out. He reached out to me on Case with friends. And I used to love to play words with friends like on set or whatever. And so he would see I would see him playing and I'm sure he would see me playing. But I like you on there. Don't accidentally like cause like words with friends is smart like everything else. Did you watch the social dilemma.


That's the one that I know. Everyone knows. Yeah. Yeah. So it'll be like, oh, you played with this person. Would you like to play a game with them there on now. And you're like, no, no, no, don't like how this just a thing. I cannot like whatever. So I'm always like paranoid. It's going to accidentally like ask him to play a game or something.


So my most worst, as you know, that if you're Spotify friends with someone, they can see what music you're listening to. And my ex can see that I'm like only listening to Adele and like, I like breakup music.


How can they see that?


Because if you're if you add friends on Spotify, you can see where your other friends are currently listening to like he can see that I'm listening to Shardey and I know I'm making out with someone. Yeah. I'm glad to anad him make up music. I know.


I mean, Shardey, it's like just going to go to that or like Rage Against the Machine depends on my mood.


So the rage against the Machine is for the pastie. That's for the.


Yeah. The Tassell the Tassell night. No, I can't feel my nipples. They've been sort through too many times.


I said on the floor, yes, I had a couple sketchy surgeons in the beginning.


It took me a while to land on the legitimate one with an actual license that.


So he spoke to you on words without me. He was like, do you want to play like Dr. Dre?


Are you doing it? You did. What do you want to play on? Words with friends. And I'm like, I just ignored it. I was driving. I think I almost wrecked my car. But I'm like, I put my phone down.


It's like, oh, just that feeling in your stomach.


Yes. And so then it wasn't until like a day later and I'm like, I just texted him and I was like, that was a slip of the thumb, huh. Like that was like a total mistake. And he's like, what do I have to do, poke you? Because you can, like, poke somebody, be like play with me. Like there's no response.


And then I was like, it's on so excited. I just like got on I threw some words up on the thing and then and then that was it. And then we were like, you know, we just. When did floor happen. Floor happened that time it was that floor. So there's this band that he's good friends with that I love, I love, I love their music. And so we they were playing in L.A. and I was like, I can go to their L.A. show that's going to be there.


And this is before this is before the Polke. And so then and Lorne got obsessed with floor and then our friend take up the floor and we're like, let's go make a girls trip and go to San Diego and like rent a really cool hotel room and like, just go see floor and like, have fun and come back home the next day. And I had just been in New York filming forever and I was like, you could really have used a break anyway.


So we went to San Diego to see a show just so I wouldn't run into him. And then we started talking and it was him. Well, no, but he knew that I went. Then I had to tell him, you know, because in between that time that we were leaving and their show and their San Diego show is when the whole conversation happened with the.


I know you love him. I love him so much still. Yeah.


How did you like how the crazy to like sometimes I'm like how the other day I found a spilled smoothie on the bottom of his car. I'm sure it's been there for at least three and a half months. I was like, you're disgusting animal.


I mean, the thing has like a green crusty. Yeah, I know. I don't smell it. He didn't know it was like I don't know.


So what he smells to, you know that. But a little smelly.


But here's the thing. Whenever anyone complains about relationships like the he leaves the toilet seat up, the cap off the toothpaste, if you like him, it's cute. There's something endearing about it. All the things that annoy you about certain people with the person that you're in love with, it's like I can't stay mad at you.


I don't know that you think it's all cute, but I just think it love so much that he is so funny. He's so funny and he's so clever. Like I really I do. I love his brain.


So you know what else I like about him? Just the times that I've seen him, he seems very self-contained. And I would say I mean by that very self-contained, like like, you know, when you meet someone and they feel the need to perform for you or prove something to you or like he wasn't like peacocking or posturing.


You know, you I've just seen so many people in relationships, especially with like a public figure, where they have to say, I'm the boyfriend and I'm you know, it was just like, yeah, no, just what I it's a it's almost an imperceptible thing. That's just more body language than anything else. But I was like, this guy has nothing to prove. He's not trying to be the center of attention. He's not like a. For anything, it's like, you know, I think when you've been in the public eye long enough, you can feel when someone has needed energy.


Yeah. Or they're trying to prove that they can keep up or something like that. I mean, because I know because I remember it because he was just like high and just kept moving. And I was like, oh, you don't want nothing from me. That's insulting, frankly.


And you're like, I hated it. You want to. OK, fine, fine. Me, I play words with friends to poke me. No, you don't want to be friends with that guy. He said he's like I finally broke down actually on our honeymoon we were playing Bananagrams that I have not kind of like Scrabble, but you guys have already pretty wild life, by the way. We were like places in Bananagrams is kinky. Oh, wow.


That pretty much sums up my nude spaces. Let's not get crazy. Actually, they're not like black. They look good. They look medical. Frankly, they look like an accident happened. Yeah, it's like an ace bandage. Oh, my God. I cried on our honeymoon after he beat me so bad so many times. I think it's not fair.


You do words all day long. All you do is do words because he writes, you know, think this isn't fair. And for every time that, like, I have to pick like I only want to pick up every three times that you say people like, OK, that's fine. So this is your biggest fight. Oh, no, no, no, no.


There's been a lot. I mean, you fight give the guy a break, because in your dream last night he cheated on you. I know with Tiffany how I dare he with Tiffany Ambrosius. And that's what he said. He said lead Thiessen. And I was like, at least get it right. Tiffany the singer, he said, Tiffani Thiessen. And it was like it empathy's I know well. Or someone who claims to be in love with her.


And I get it right.


That is an irreconcilable difference. Now, Tiffany's not even real. Tiffany, the other thing, the one from the night, you know, this is what I was trying to make you a real person, if that's how much he loves you.


Is that Tiffany engagement ring box? Oh, my God. So he cheated in your dream. And what how will he pay for that? He apologized. No, he did.


And she's just like he apologized for cheating on you in your mind. Yes, that's I made a really big deal of it. I was like, are you cheating on me? Like, we need to talk. I feel like I'm like building this whole story in my head. And now you're cheating on me and Tiffany's Real and Tiffany's at the studio all the time. And do I need to come to find you and you like Bob?


Do I need to remind Tiffany that I'm Hilary Duff? I need to arrive by and remind her of my body and face.


I really like to just make a big deal to think, because I think it's funny to see his reaction because he will be like, very genuinely like sorry. And usually I'm like fucking with him.


I know. I know. I was so cruel. I know now and I got to get my rocks off somehow. We're like quarantine.


OK, I'm, I don't like it when podcast hosts just sloppily and bullshit about pretending to use their sponsors. I'm going to go to my door.


Dash, I didn't know you had started the ad yet. And I was like, what are you saying to me? Yeah, I'm authentic.


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Well that's the best is when you would you say you ordered a Mizoram and farmers. But it's so weird because in your video you posted for your burrito, you had Taco Bell.


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It's time to do an ad for you guys. I hope you get through it without Benton ordering my producers to cut parts of it out within.


Let's see if we're going to be able to even. Oh, my God, I will work all the time. She bullies me down someone right down the comments.


Is it my case? This is an airtight case.


You got guys something. I'm sure I have something I would never do that is so disgusting.


You know, what it actually is, is me walking around naked. That's your biggest case.


No, I wouldn't. I would never. That's disgusting to me like that. I'm I'm naked now. That's great. I know. With them, with you not allowed to walk around, OK? I'm not going to sue. I love her but. But I am traumatized. May mentioned the last.


I am on one today. I would like to talk about my gorgeous teeth.


OK. Aren't they beautiful, my gorgeous mine as well. I have everybody compliments me on my teeth and I don't I don't know if they're mocking me, but they're beautiful everyone. I've never gotten teeth whitening.


I say, yeah, I look, I'm I'm I my self-esteem is in the toilet. One thing I do feel good about are my gorgeous chick lit.


She asked and she said going into this because this quip toothpaste truly. Well, it's no joke.


This is I'm so obsessed with this toothpaste butt quip. Here's the thing that I love about it. You know how distracted I get.


Like, if I'm doing one thing, I'll just start doing another thing. If I'm cooking, I'll just like walk away. And the house quip tells you when to how to brush your teeth and for how long on each tooth.


It's got this. Can you guys hear it? I'm trying to push it up.


It's a very no, they probably can't hear it. It's a very quiet vibration. I know it's really. But I want to wake up first thing in the morning here, like, oh, God, the works.


But it it basically like will stop when you can move to the next two Holtz's, you know, because I will basically give up at the back teeth. I'm just a guy.


Whatever the front they'll fall out. No I no. Yeah. No don't care. I'll just get caps at some point and look how sexy this.


Oh yeah. It's so sleek.


This part sticks my quit this part. If she would take another package ever we'll stick to a mirror or in the bathroom or something in the shower.


And who, what kind of weirdo. Brushing their teeth.


If I have one in my shower and outside while supportive of those of you I watch everything else in the shower.


What can I brush my teeth? Will you put this here so that we can show them how it's done and stick it to your.


No, I will not do that. But it is really futuristic. It is like a Blade Runner toothpaste. It really is very chic. And mine's all black mafune minute timer. Thirty second pause for a guided clean. It's lightweight, it's sleek, no wires, no bulky charger.


Oh my God. That's easy to travel with other electric toothbrush. You have a charger and then a cup and then the thing.


And it's just like it goes to my iPhone app on my phone. I have to turn it on. It's like a bomb that's about to go off at any minute. Ecofriendly solar battery charger to power your clip with sunshine. Isn't that poetic? It's really cute, too. There's a refresh prag brain.


That's that's a Freudian slip.


It's just bragging about my teeth. Refresh bag to bring your good oral care habits everywhere you go. Oh, it's nothing.


Moving to brushes in traveling is so gross. Oh, yeah.


You know what? I hate traveling and the case is going. I'll just go. I got a frosty and then you're like I you smell like it's that clam chowder. It's growing an ecosystem. It's so gross. Like is that E. coli.


Sorry, I'm getting a text from a hot man who was turned on by my gorgeous teeth.


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Have you been cheated on though. I'm pretty sure, yeah. Yeah I'm like that too.


I'm like I'm a machine. I'm like yes I have. What am I. But you know what. Not so badly that I feel like it affects me all the time. But then obviously there's a little bit of something in there that affects me, you know. Do you know what I mean. Like when it happened and I'm not even one hundred percent sure it happened.


I feel like your gut knows we. Oh no.


But I think it was like that's fine. I'm it's done anyway. Sometimes it's like, thank you for putting that nail in the coffin. Yeah. That I didn't. Yes.


But it's still like, by the way, if Matt cheated on me, I would be like dead on the floor. So that's how I know I really love it.


I mean, I do think that's part of really loving someone. Everyone's like odd jealousy. A little bit of jealousy is part of.


Yeah. Loving someone, you know. Yeah.


Like I mean, it's hot that you're mad at him, that he's cheating on you with your wild brain.


You know, there's literally like that. Had the conversation with him this morning and he I had to send a picture of my daughter to the pediatrician and I can't leave. I'm telling this. I don't know if I really want to tell this.


So she'll so call me later with a lawsuit which has served me papers. Let me know. I will cut it out.


My my phone was upstairs and so he had his phone. I'm like, can I just take a picture to send to the pediatrician. But instead I sent it to my phone to send to the pediatrician because I was already talking to him a bunch of other things. And right after that picture, I saw a picture of him just like brushing his teeth, a video of him just like brushing his teeth. But he had, like, no shirt on.


And it wasn't like, by the way, he's not that person to be no shirt on, but like, really just out of the shower, like like this like that.


Looks like something weird he would like send to me. You are like dating and clearly I just got cheated on in my dream, so I was like, who is he sending this to? What is this for? It was for like a takeover that he had to do. Like this morning. I was like, so just in the video, two of you brushing your teeth. And it's like I'm like, who is it, Tiffany? And she's like, oh, so like, if I was cheating on you, that's not the video.


I would say probably a.. Such a weirdo. If it wasn't, I'd like to think I a little better game. A little better game than that. Well, he doesn't really I mean I mean I'm attracted to his game, but clearly, like, his game is like sending words with friends without a really good point. Maybe that is like a salacious sex tape in his mind.


But who was the person he said to do is like a funny name, lady something, lady lady Jr. or something that Lady Gaga.


Oh, no, her was in charge of. He had to do like a take over, take over. And he was like, I'm pretty sure it's a gay man. I was like, OK, why does he call you half orange?


Oh, because when we were dating one time, I was doing an interview for a magazine and it was when I was single, but people just didn't know we were dating yet. And this girl sat me down during the interview and she was really nice. But she was so concerned that I was still single.


And I was like, I couldn't just be like, no, no, I'm not. I'm actually really happy. They think you have like a terminal illness. If you're single, you say you're happy, you're lying. You're deluding yourself.


Yes. And she passed me this book that she wrote called Finding Your Half Orange.


Isn't that funny? And so, Mike Lee, I am going to read it, I. I have a copy for you. Please give it to me immediately. I have to go read it right now.


Anyway, I don't know why. I just I sent him a funny picture, like I sent him a picture of the book after the interview is over. And now we've just been each others have for instance.


What is that? Why is it like women? You can't put your Hilary Duff. You have an incredible life. You have incredible you have an incredible child, an incredible family around you. There's no way you could be happy without a man. There's no way you can be complete. It's impossible.


I have to tell you that I was always really happy without a man like I. I'm really happy with a man. But like. Even through I'm so happy with you, we've been to Hawaii so many times together about my son Eric is my favorite. People congratulated her when I came pregnant one year because Matt was on tour there. Isn't that funny? The people that work there that knew us.


But can I tell you, I think that the people with the best relationships with their partner have great girl friendships. You know what I mean? Like, this is part of it. You know, like we're designed to be in a village, were designed to be around our girlfriends all the time so that you don't take all this madness to him.


I know.


You know, we take a very small portion of the madness to him because I think for me, in my 20s, certainly I would just throw myself into a relationship, abandon all my friendships.


That's such a tough thing to do now because so dumb and it's so heartbreaking afterward.


I know. And then you're like crawling back with your tail between your legs and you're like, remember me, guys, can I come back? And your friend? I mean, it's our conditioning to you know, we really are conditioned to believe that our man should always come first. But to me, like, sometimes the man demands that in an unhealthy way, too.


Like I have to have all of, you know, and, like, really isolates and stuff into that one, too. That's hot.


And so it's not hot, OK. All right. Now, that's wrong. It's unhealthy. Doesn't matter.


So how are you able to have this gaggle of children and do everything that you do?


How do you do it? But you you're the reason now that I've met you, I know how she's able to do everything she does.


So I have not I I just don't understand how you're able to do all of this. Do you get tired, you get exhausted. Do you get to drink wine.


What kind I drink. Oh my God.


Now it's in my head. I watch. Did you watch the Amy Schumer cooking show with her.


Has Amy learns to cook. Yeah. Yeah.


She's on the phone with Jennifer Lawrence. And then Jennifer Lawrence calls her a slut for drinking Sauvignon Blanc.


Now, I can't get it out of my head. I feel like such a slut muffin. That's all I like to drink.


And Jennifer Lawrence thinks that because it is kind of like I said, I guess it gets the job done.


I mean, give me a shorter name.


Good. Apart from the glass, it's so gross. I mean, it's not like Zema.


I mean, it's not like a nice pool or nice having blocks out there. I love it. I love a red wine. Too new to me, too. I'm going to go night night now. You're going to go sleepy time. And I got to I got to not go sleepy.


Time for I want to talk about your wedding because this is a creepy thing to say, but I did have your wedding dress saved in my Instagram favourite's when I was engaged looking for wedding dresses.


The Jenny Packham bride. How did you pick that and where is it? And can I have it? Oh, my God.


You can totally. I'm sorry. I'm so sad. I'm never going to wear it again. So why don't we diet, let's tie diet. It's like this incredible. It's got like shoulder pads and like a cape on the back. Right. And these like long sleeves are like that's exactly what I want. Like Cruella De Vil, hot matrixx modern space bitch.


It's in the attic if you want to come over.


Yeah, I'm not kidding. Let's diet green and pink. I'm serious that dressed like forest green would be missing.


Oh my God. Yeah. I'm probably never going to fit in it again, but.


And how was the wedding. I'm going to tell you, the wedding was like the best night of our whole entire. You looked so happy. It was so much fun. We're just sad that it was over with so fast.


Like, how did you did you do bridesmaids and that whole thing just because you didn't want to have to banks with my bridesmaid.


Bridesmaid will be. Yeah. And she held it together too. I can't believe she did. And Luca wrote the like sweetest poem for our wedding. He got up and spoke and I think I remember it. It was like, all right, I remember the beginning. Our family is a galaxy shooting across the cosmos. Magical dreams of mine come true in my family's home in heart, like something so beyond sweet.


I'm telling you, he's as a child. I can't give that one away to you.


So with this thing, with the pandemic in home schooling, is it sort of less weird for you because you were schooled on sets and your schooling was so weird? No, it's horrible.


It's the worst thing that's ever happened to me. The worst thing that's ever happened to me, minus the fact that I'm obsessed with him. I want to like and I love spending time with him. I wanted to kill him. And, you know, what is so hard is I'm hard on him, but not like I have other friends that are way more way more pressure on their kids than him. He's really sensitive. So I can't push too hard.


But like, I'm a very firm believer, like my mom pushed me. I'm a very firm believer that, like, you got to practice to get good at what you know. And how do you know a kid is sensitive?


Like, how do you go? Like, oh, this is a sensitive kid.


Like, how do you know when to push and when to I mean, he just feel like completely shut down. Interesting. Oh, he's just not like he can't handle it. He's like he'll get really I'm like I rarely have to raise my voice said. But when I do. Oh, my God, it's like it's like I beat him before something like he's like, oh my God, I know, I know he's a little older now, so it's not as bad.


But, like, he's I just have to handle him with like this also might be this just next generation of parents actually has the tools to be able to raise boys without this toxic masculinity shit like we're not doing the man up throwing baseballs at all of our boys when they're five. Not letting that. I wonder if just boys in general are more sensitive than we've ever known.


I think they are. Haven't you ever like I mean, I know I've dated a couple guys that, like, never talked, never, you know, never showed up. And they do. And you're like, I thought it was weak or big or whatever it is. Yeah. And then when they do, they cry for like four days and you're like, OK, easy about it.


Need to be able to stay attracted to you.


OK, let's not I'm just losing. I cannot ever have sex with you again.


Vagina drying out stop it. I love you. And you might, you might, you might just do that. Oh my God. So that because I'm just fascinated by this new generation of parents that are allowing boys to express all sides and be like put in a box of, like here your GI Joes. And here is your.


Yeah, I will say he was always really attracted to boy things he did like a shop, you know, for a minute.


He still loves to shop and he's super protective over those. And I'm like, share those with your sister. And he's like some of them are rare and like you really care like they've been in a box, like forever. And now she wants to play with them. And now you care like girl do. Are all the toys that we played with growing up, are they canceled or Barbies cancelled? They're all sexist. Mr. Potato Head is canceled. Is Mr.


Potato Head is I don't know. I'm just saying, is everything Toy Story OK?


I don't know. Who knows? I don't know. It's like it could be body shaming to take the nose off. Like, honestly, at this point, I'm sure every toy we played with is problematic now. Oh, my God. Well, a few of them are a few of them. I think they've like tried to make them extra bodies for Barbie.


Yeah. Barbie used to be like an anorexic mess. Yeah. Yeah. That was no good. Perky with those giant boobs, with no nipples like you with your petals covers. Actually my inspiration.


Are there any like because in quarantine I was watching movies that I watched when I was a kid and I look back and I was like, this is dark.


Like I watched The Wizard of Oz. I was like, oh, this is so bleak. It's like this sixteen year old who is like emotionally taking care of all these, like random old creepy guys like I watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, which I thought was like a magical movie when I was a kid. And I look back and it's just so sad.


It's so weird and dark and all the kids die. I mean, it's like, is there anything you like stuck in brain tubes and they get dead? I don't know. The parents will get violent. She's like the blueberry. Like nobody died. I'm not proud. None of those he I tried to hold my breath the amount of time he was in that, too. And there is no way he survived that thing. As far as I was concerned, as a child, he died.


I mean, I didn't know. But yeah, because there were sort of like we're going to see them at the end or something. But we not in the kid that shrunk into the little TV. Yeah, it was bleak.


I've never watched Charlie in my life. I know I'm so much younger than both of you. So and it's been a pleasure talking with you today. And that's all for our show. It's time for you to leave. And next week, Cameron Diaz, but is much more famous than me that you I show up. I don't know. I don't think you know how famous you are.


And I love that I'm happy for you because otherwise I think you'd be I think we need to start talking about it because I think you'll be very traumatized if you do find out.


I got census came to the house the other day. Do you remember when we were at the we were at an animal rescue event and there was a fan that had like. Yes. And you were like I literally body checked this person. I body checked somebody. I just it was like this fan, I think had won a contest or something, but was like holding a bunch of photos of you for you to sign. And, you know, when you do what we do, there's sometimes people just show up and you don't know where they've come from and you don't know what's going on.


And I didn't even know you. I just like I literally like you guys. We need to get rid of this person. You're like, no, she won a contest.


I want to talk to her like you were just like so open and kind and you didn't have this, like, fear or paranoia. And I don't. How have you gotten this far without being scared for your safety?


Yeah, at all times there's been a I mean, I want to murder you.


There's been a few times where I, I have been actually scared. And I would say that it in my just getting older, I set bigger boundary, you know, for not not necessarily at an event. Like I can kind of wrap my head around what that is and have to just go into it with like an openness of this is going to last for probably four hours.


And you know what we're like with you. That's what I mean when you're done. Yeah. And I've actually gotten a lot. More assertive in my just daily life, if I need to be, you know, with people that are I feel like taking advantage at a certain point. I'm usually like so willing to take a picture with you or to say hi. Do you have a quick conversation? You know, but I am a mom and I.


I fight so hard for normalcy and for my kids now and and even for myself, like I do, I just walk around, like, pretty open. I'm an overshare to the max. And I mean, literally, I was going to tell you, sensor's showed up to our house and my my nanny called me and was like, oh, census's here. And they have a bunch of questions they want to ask you. I literally would have been like, OK, here's who is here and this is how much I make.


And and my husband, thank God he got the phone call and was like, you can send it in the mail, but I don't feel comfortable answering those questions. I would have been like, do you want to know what the safe is like? No, no. I'm just so desperate to talk to somebody in Corrientes. What are you doing? What's up, new girl?


You know what I was going to talk to you about was the kid thing and in the home schooling, because I know a lot of moms are like relating to that right now, was as accepting as I am of like who my child is. And his strengths and weaknesses being his teacher highlights all of the things that, like you think they need to be better at. And it's like normally you have a normal exposure to it because your kids, like, go to school during the day and they'll come back and you'll be like, OK, we need to work on this one thing.


But when you're doing it all day long, you're like, capitalize the first like that are in the sentence.




And I just told you that five times. Why is this so I'm trying to capitalize it.


Don't do that again. You know, like finally, like week eleven, you're like, oh my God, you're terrified. Oh, my God. Know, it's so scary. And like, it was so intense.


I'm like, thank God teachers aren't their parents aren't. Well, yeah. Aren't teachers of their kids. Right. Right. Because there's a separation where they're like they don't have that relationship rights.


You know, I don't have to be your boss. You get to kind of be the cool respin when they come home and you're like, oh, that teacher is really hard, but let's do the homework.


It gets to be sort of like you. Good to be good. And they're evil. Yeah, but when you're the one driving the ship all day long, just totally like blurred the lines of everything, it was horrible. Is the worst, most traumatic thing.


Yeah. It's like you don't want to be the good guy and the bad guy.


You just want to be the good guy when they come home and beautiful and fun and loving and like, I got to lay the law down sometimes.


But it's also like I was talking to one of my nieces and was going through some of her homework with her also, like the stuff we learned is not true.


Oh, my God, please, I need examples.


Oh, no, literally, we're like going through a history book and, you know, and she's like, yeah, we're studying, you know, Thanksgiving. And I'm like, oh yeah. The when the the Pilgrims came over and had a fun dinner with the Native Americans and they all got along, she's like, I don't think that's what happened. I'm like, no, no, no, no. I go in like everyone had a wonderful meal together.


Christopher Columbus discovered America. She's like, That's not what my textbook says. Oh, my God, everything's been updated. Everything's been updated. And everything we learned was like is completely canceled.


We didn't learn about, like genocide and all that. Did you ever know that I dressed up like an Indian for Halloween and got crucified? And I completely understand why, but like, exactly like you said, didn't grow up educated thinking that that was a bad dinner? No, we didn't know they were friends and they shared a turkey leg and they were posing together. Not what happened. No.


Well, I'm from Washington, DC, and we were the Redskins and I had Redskins sweatshirts and I had Redskins hats and I would wear Redskins hats are changing that now. Yeah, no, that's gone now. Yeah, but it's gone. Not my no, that's gone.


My husband in quarantine. What's the butter with the Land O'Lakes. Yup. Canceled.


We had one with the headdress and he was like, oh we got one of those. They're not making them anymore. No. We got to throw this butter away real fast. Yeah.


I get in trouble all the time for things that I got in trouble for saying. Basket case because basket. I was calling myself a basket case. I was like, I'm such a basket case today. And I got all these letters that were like that was what was described, described World War One soldiers, if they lost all their limbs and they could fit in a basket, they were a basket case.


And I was like, I I'm trying to insult myself. I'm not trying to hurt someone else. I'm just like, don't yell at me. I have low self-esteem.


I'm in this really weird. Like, I'm just trying to be quiet right now, which also you're going to get in trouble for, you know, your silences. Yeah. Yeah. Is take a life with. Right. Right. It's really scary to open your mouth. And I love that we're in this area where we're all being enlightened, you know, and we're all but it's it is extremely sensitive and like like saying basket case. How are you supposed to know that that's a term that's been used for a long time and maybe it should be eliminated, but like, should you be crucified for it in that?


You know, like, I just I feel like it's so scary to talk and say anything, but I also think that, like, it's interesting in bed tonight argue about this all the time.


It's like, you know, I think that America on one hand does not want to have Hollywood people tell them what to do and how to vote and how to live, you know, but at the same time, we're supposed to use our platform responsibly. So I just feel like as long as it's authentic and your heart is in the right place, there's always going to be people that are going to want to, like, complain. But most people are just love you and we amplify the negative shit, you know, like three people send me a basket case thing.


And I'm like, everyone was mad at me. They weren't where they were. And today I'm blowing that out of proportion. That's my shit.


I know why is in this. I'm not trying to get information out of you from this.


Why is this Lizzie McGuire thinks so secret. Why is it like a like an FBI mafia secret?


Well, I've kind of been pretty open about it.


Yeah. I'm talking about just how there was a change in it. But why is it as that we can't talk about it and no one knows anything? What what is what has anyone ever talk about it? All the time. Yeah, I think that. Exactly. I've just here's a I'm just curious I don't want to talk about I don't want you to say anything that you don't want. It's more like I'm fascinated because people are so obsessed with you.


You saying, oh, this season this she's going to go to New Zealand like no one's going to not watch it. You know what I'm saying? I'm just so fascinated by the psychology of that.


Oh, well, I hope you're not wrong.


I hope if I go to New Zealand, people want to watch our.


I mean, like, they are going to watch this thing regardless of how many spoilers are given away. So I'm just sort of obsessed with the shrouded in secrecy stuff. I don't think that it's by the way, there's nothing to be like that secretive about except for that we had to, like, regroup and read like and like pivot. Yeah. And I think that then being a newish network, by the way, they're like crushing it and doing phenomenal.


But like, this is a big thing for them. And it's it's also a really big thing for me and something that I didn't think I would ever revisit. And then, you know, opening the door and and. Well, it sounds so cheesy to say, but really my heart like something I've worked my whole entire life to try not to be Lizzie McGuire and even though I'm like, I love her and I'm so grateful for that, like I did spend a lot of time being like, I'm different, I'm something else.


I'm, you know, and now I'm like, oh, she's the best. Yeah. You know, I love her and I love that. And and the thought of doing it again is really exciting for me and really huge. But it just has to be done the right way. And I think we I think what was secretive about it was that we kind of like came. But but it had not butted heads a little bit, but like they had to do what's right for their network and I was like, well, I have a responsibility, you know, so we're on a really good track and I think everything's looking good.


But I think they were just like, you know, protective of what people knew. And same with me, like. That's it. It's not that like storyline is protected, it's more like, oh, we're pausing now. We're going to see if we can work this out as someone that has been on the other side of this as well.


It's so hard to do that when there's a machine, there's a train going in one direction, you have all these people, you have all these there's money at stake.


You have all this a really big train like me, arguably the biggest train. I mean, Disney, arguably the train going in one direction.


I just remember seeing it and just going, God, I don't even know what happened here, but I know she is a fucking badass. I don't even know what happened.


Like, I mean, I've been in situations that are not even a fraction of as stressful as that. And it's just like I just that is some boss shit.


You're so you're so kind. Thank you. There are more times within the last few years where I sat down and I'm like, I am a boss, I am tough, I am strong, I am this. But, you know, that's not my normal, like overall feeling of myself. That was a very easy thing for me to do. Like I but Lizzie McGuire would never be Lizzie McGuire without the people that cheered her on. So naturally and authentically it was the fans no one knew.


That little show on Disney Channel is going to do what it did. And then it just lived on and lived on and lived on. And, you know, I think it just touched people at the right time. And whatever I did that brought to the table like it just from something works, you know. And so to have that little hiccup in that bump the road and then just just be, like, totally quiet, I couldn't do it.


And I opened up myself to her and, you know, and the conversations with Disney were like it was all like very positive, but confusing. Yeah. And so I was like, well, I got to say this, you know, and it was just a responsibility to the people that love her and the people that got so excited. Yeah.


And and it's almost like you spoke for all the fans. It's almost like you had to take on everyone. Yeah. I can't like just silently not not not do this. So it's it's I pray to God it still happens. And I'm so excited. And there's some new players and I'm still super, super involved. I have to go shoot younger first and then hopefully we'll be like up and running again. I think it could be really special. And I know they feel that way.


I know that they're like measure twice, cut once.


That's the whole thing. Imagine. Yeah. Imagine doing something that you're so proud of that touched so many people and getting it wrong. What's Yeah.


Anything that devastating. Yeah.


I don't know if it was going to be wrong but I just mean like trying not exactly aligned with your heart or solar spirit or instinct.


All we have is our instincts. That's all we have, especially as an actor. It's all you have is your gut. Yeah. And I just I feel like I was thinking about you because my last special I had, you know, was talk about getting engaged and I found I lost so many I gained so many people that I feel like I lost a lot of girls who thought that I was like their single friend. And then I got engaged and I'm like, oh, we're just like having to age publicly and sort of this pressure to sort of stay who you've always been like.


I just felt like all this pressure not even close to as public as you are. I felt this pressure like, oh, I have to stay broke and I have to stay crazy. I have to stay in my twenties forever. I have to stay single forever because that's how people know me. And then I found myself actively not maturing and growing because I was worried I would lose some people.


I was worried that they wouldn't feel as connected to me or related to me, you know. So it's an interesting thing to have to do that publicly.


You know, you've had no problem with it, it seems like. Oh, no, I think that you're wrong. Are you kidding? I was so scared to like. Have a baby. Yeah, grow up, you know, like almost my whole entire life. You feel like you're so great, never change. Yeah, you always stay little Izzy forever. Like I like you. Like I'm a human being, you know.


So definitely maybe not in my 20s, mid 20s or something, but like younger than that, when I'm like, I want to go like that.


Yeah. Yeah.


But that's hard because. You know, it's never great to feel stuck or to be hesitant, even to think that your fan base only will accept you in this way, but really, they love you. Yeah.


And they want to grow, too, which is so interesting because everyone that is I've have to block them on my phone because they won't stop texting me about you.


They're like we watched her grow and we watch her have a baby and we watch her get this beautiful house like they're like they feel like you're their best friend and have loved to watch you flourish. You know, I think and in comedy, I have this thing where it's like you have to be crazy for people to like you. You have to be like a mess or something. And it's taken me a long time. And like watching you has been very inspiring to go like.


No, like. People that love you want you to win, you know, and I think a lot of times in my girl friendships, you know, that I think people can relate to listening. Like if your friends don't celebrate when you grow and good things happen to you, they're not your friends. You know, sometimes you only have friends when you're down and they want you to fail or want you to be.


So you happy to see you there. You lose friends sometimes when you grow and when you edify yourself, you know, you can't take everyone with you.


So how do you decide what to share and when to, like, take the steps forward or leap's? And like, you know, such a good question.


And I might a natural thing where you just like I'm tired, like I can't do it anymore.


What you said about the thing with your half orange when you snapped, there's just only so much time you can hold something in. And when I start feeling like I'm carrying shame or being inauthentic or phony or fake, yeah, that's when I go like, oh, I'm just lying to people. And that feels weird. I need to release that. I need to share that.


And there are other times that I'm like, you know, I don't need to like when I went through my by a breaking up of my engagement, everyone was like, so excited for me because I was like the girl that was like never going to get married. And like, you know, it's like people think if you're a woman who's single, that your life must be like, so miserable. And I felt all this pressure to not tell everyone.


But then I started feeling inauthentic and like I was lying and betraying people and I was feeling like all this shame and I couldn't make I couldn't be funny. I also couldn't be funny because I couldn't make jokes. I had to keep pretending I was engaged. I just like I was like, oh, my job is to show up and make these people laugh and I can't do that. So now this is actually like a liability card job.


You have to make people laugh. I mean, how do you do that? That is so hard.


You make people laugh and cry and all the things that you stand there in front of them, like it's called a bad childhood.


That's what it's called. Give one to your daughter. And she can also do this. I said don't go home tonight. Don't feed her dinner and completely ignore her.


And she ran the chicken coop liver in the chicken coop.


Let her get packed and she, too, can grow up to have a bird rip her lip off. You guys, I've been told you the story, but I had a bird ripped my lip in half yesterday and it looks like I have herpes, which is just a great look around Hilary Duff. But but yeah, just like such a fascinating thing to have to decide, I think it's all your gut. And there are times when I'm like, I should keep that to myself for self care.


Like, I need to keep that. Like I talked really openly about struggling with eating disorders and stuff.


And there are days when I'm like, I wish I hadn't shared all that because it's taking me so long to move through them and to not think about food in my body all day, every day. And then someone would come up to me and be like you. I have an eating disorder and you got me through it. I'm like, Oh, it's Tuesday at two thirty at the airport.


And I don't want to have to, you know, and I'm like, yeah, I'm like, it is what it is. And I'm so grateful that that affected anybody in a poignant way, because when I was going through it, all I wanted was to read a book about someone who had gone through because I thought I was the only one. But there are times and I'm like, I wish I hadn't to that only two.


Oh, like when I the time that I ate my placenta and. Oh yes.


And then everyone was like, oh my. The quote was like it was delicious.


I'm like, oh not OK Doctor.


Did you eat it in pill form or did you, how did you eat it.


Not quite in pill form, but it was the whole conversation.


Maybe for the other podcast I have one of those. You mean the one we got on the cutting room floor, the one that doesn't air. So I had a home birth and my midwives, I call them the witches, they're pretty like hippy dippy little little like different thinking. Right. Love it. And my sister ate her placenta, but like in pill form freeze-dried kind of thing. I don't know if she she did it.


I don't know how much because it's got some kind of vitamins and you say that you, you're, it stops your body from like hemorrhaging. After you have a baby, you put it in the other way.


I know it feels like that ship has sailed in terms of what's going on down there. Yeah. To stop the bleeding now anyway. But animals do eat their placenta in the wild.


You. But do they do that because they don't want predators.


Yes. To remove this. Yeah. To remove the smell of blood. They say that gives you all kinds of like energy and nutrients and helps balance your hormones and stuff like that. And I'm still completely repulsed by it. But they were like we usually like the moms.


We're like put a little tiny piece of it in a smoothie and like lots of strawberries.


I know I a smoothie that was on the floor of his car. No, not well. But you know what?


That is such a good friend, because when he does bad things and I get mad at him, I like to talk to him, like I'll hide his phone. I have no idea. Like, he'll be searching one time he got sick. And I like the heat in our bedroom.


Seventy-Seven I know, but I think it's so funny. Oh my it he cheated on me in my mind and then I think they do not have and he apologizes.


Like, I don't know, not that I think I'm fun to live with me if you need help. Yeah, Richard, if you need a place to stay for the night, let me know.


Oh, my God. Like they're orange on your Instagram.


If you need help, you're just like gaslighting turning the heat up and only about four times he deserves it. He's like, I have covid.


But you're turning the heat up on me knowing Kenny, that is such a wild prank. And then you're like, how are you sending that video to me? I'm doing my job.


So you decide. Do you think it worked? No, I didn't like eat the whole I didn't like doing as the micro does I micro dust. And it was in like a like when was the last time you ate a smoothie that was like made with apple juice a quarter after.


Never right. Like that. Know delicious.


Like an apple. Got bad apple juice since I was like in detention as a kid I don't think those little apple juices that are like the little round ones.


Yeah. Yeah. I like three top. Yeah. Yeah. So it was like legit apple juice with like strawberries and berries and banana and like I literally did not. Yeah. Yeah. And or maybe your placenta just tastes like so I saw that they are like aren't they like purple like like big like or.


OK, but look I know it sounds gross, but it's so badass that a woman can grow a temporary organ.


I mean it's and then you can eat it.


So you're like, look, also time for you to go.


Let's go back to talk about your bloody nipples. Oh, I don't know. I just assumed with the breast feeding. Oh, you felt like you had glass cutting your neck. Oh. Oh yeah. Yeah. They never felt like that had antipasti. Your nipples have been through a lot. You really you really subjective drool was going to kill. That's my publicist. But I did. Sorry, not sorry. Can I just. I'm getting dry.


I love it so.


OK, there's a couple of things. Number one, I know I have to let you go soon, but number one, you changed my life because I watched a makeup tutorial video. You did like I was like yesterday. I was like doing research and stuff.


And you did this thing with your eye brush where you wear it. Your eye. Yes, your crease.


And then you went down the side of your nose and I blew my mind. That's called the Jaylo. Did you just learn to do this from growing up on sets with makeup artists? Yes.


Yeah, I think after Lizzy is like when I started doing like and I got into like music. So I was like, you know, working with, like, a lot of different makeup artists and stuff. And I was like, I realized I loved makeup.


A lot of people want to know if you getting into music was your choice. One hundred percent. My choice. I want to be Britney Spears. Not now. You had me on the floor talking about Britney Spears the other day. I love her. I love her till the day I die. What are we going to do?


You let me get her because you weren't being mean and you know, like but you were being funny and the facts were there. And I was like, I'm dead right now. I mean, and I were dying. Why don't we I just we have to do something.


Maybe she's perfectly happy.


You think would you be happy? And we're in the same peasant top every day for four months from Bebe for that Arden B peasant top and then low rise. I mean that, that I mean the yellow stitch up on the wall.


So, you know, those hollow little short wheels we're living in right now. I know. That's a good point. That's a good point. She's been in court literally.


My husband's like, honey, I'm feeling too much. I can't like the fires and the election and the world is we're all going to die.


Do try to protect yourself from that. I've started doing lessness.


How do you do less news like it finds you? There's. Yeah, it's so true. I find you can't escape it now. You know, the good news for me is I have my kids so I can literally be like they need a snack and a water and a lunch and the two shoes on and you know what I mean? Like, this is what I'm going to need for the day. Like, here's their schedule. Here's what, you know, like focus on, just like the small things instead of the things you can actually solve, the things you can actually control instead of all the things we can.


What's your take on lying to kids? When it's necessary, you you have to write Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, the whole thing, oh, one hundred percent. But I think maybe this is going to be the year for a little.


But is banks automatically? I'm not telling him he's going to have to fill out, come out and ask. But, you know, what is funny is I think some kids like to hold onto the hold on to the magic, like because we have the elf on the shelf. Oh, yes. So thrilled for Jimmy to come back. He can't wait. And by the way, Jimmy's a shit ton of work.


There are times where I'm, like in bed and and I'll be like gibi like one of us.


Like paper boxes or who's got to go move him and like do something epic with him.


I feel like they kind of know like I look back and I'm like I feel like I knew there wasn't a giant ferry that took my teeth, you know what I mean?


Like, I'm trying to look back. You think Luca knows about the tooth fairy and I have no I legit sprinkled some fairy dust on the dollar bill. And he was like, it's shiny. Like, I can't tell if that's traumatizing to them or not.


Like we look back and I'm like, yeah, my parents lied to me about literally everything all the time. And I always wonder what I'm going to do.


You have is so fun. Let him have the magic fun and they'll be fine. He'll be fine. That's the least traumatic thing. You're just like the kids at this point.


OK, what is Halloween going to be? What do you have to talk about for Halloween? I mean, do you already have costumes lined up? I feel like you guys. I don't know.


I feel like I've had to burst your bubble a couple of times. Like Halloween might not be the same. This might not happen.


Well, masks already in masks I cut out the Halloween is maybe the only holiday I feel like we can do.


And they put this thing out that was like Halloween canceled this year. Like, it's like literally forbidden. I'm like, have you been to a target lately? Because there's about two hundred and fifty freaking shoppers in there. Like what difference? Halloween's outside. I'm not dying for my kid to go take candy from a random person's house, but like, I don't know, come home, spray it down like and it doesn't live on surfaces. Right. Like that.


So I don't know. It's all the kids have had such a rough year. I think that I probably let them go with, like a small group. I'm going to be in New York.


So would you like people that can do Halloween at my house? You're doing season seven is the season seven of younger, that is so awesome, insane, really wish I had a button apartment. It's also I'm going to say something that just as someone that is made shows before it gets better every season and that never happens.


Yeah. That like we had a feel. I forget what season wasn't my favorite, but it did from there like get better and better. And I was like, that's different. Like our writers.


Great Darren Star Nyarota and Melrose Place. Did you watch those shows? You're too. Oh, really?


I did. Because I. An older sister. Oh yes. Yeah, so I did. And then Sex in the City. Yeah. I've not heard of it. Would you let your kids be actors?


I think Luka wants to be an actor and I would, but I would make sure that they would have to go your son in a movie.


Yeah. And I would have to be the mentor and the biggest inspiration to know I would, because I have a great life, you know. And I think that I would as someone who grew up with it, I know how to navigate certain things and I would not want anything like handed to him. I had to work my ass off. We didn't know anybody when we came here. So I would take him to auditions like but he would have school would have to be a priority and he would have to, like, prove that to me.


Because that's the one thing is sometimes, by the way, I've done really well for myself and I'm sitting in a room sometimes and I'm like, no, get what they're talking about, you know, because I don't I don't have a proper education.


And I learned so many other valuable things. And I think I have a genuine interest in things. So I'm not completely lost. And people are talking about like something that happened in history, but I did not have the greatest education.


But again, everything I learned isn't even true. You need to go to school at all. It's all it was all wrong. Anyway, I did know the seven continents.


I was really proud of myself for that one is doing that in school right now.


I don't I like I don't even want to embarrass myself and try. I can tell you. Antarctica, South America, North America, Africa, Asia, Europe. That six is Canada. Oh no. That's that's North America. Asia, Australia. Is Australia its own continent. Yeah. Oh ok. Yeah. OK, that's it. We got to. Yeah we did it. How many, how many actresses does it take to name seven continents.


OK, I'm going to do a speed round because I know I have to let you go. Kristen's going to kill me. Your children are going to kill me. Your husband is going to kill me. Before you do this, I've already talked about soccer, soccer.


I just want to confirm I ask her to check the battery in the car, but soccer bag needs to be packed. Yes, I said soccer. I said blanket thanks.


My daughter's snacks and water for Lupa with his cleats are I think there's a ball in the car, the red the red ones that have like the succotash.


Yeah, OK.


Stars are just like us. They have to do ducation shin guards with the south.


She runs a tight ship and a pair of flats for me and I'm going to ask her to do was to come in your car so that then we can get there and you can stay and then I'll take Cunninghams to get her.


OK, you're going to a park after this? Yeah.


My son has soccer buddy. He is so cute.


So what do are you like a competitive like get a cricket. Not during practice at all, but during the games. Yeah. Know that parent.


I'm not like screaming, but I'm encouraging you to yell at other parents.


No, but once we had a really aggressive mom on the other team, these are kids, it was flag football and she made a sign that five bodies had to hold five other bodies with huge glitter letters on them, like saying like Broncos or whatever their team was called. And I was like, that is so aggressive. And they were so loud screaming. It was a freaking flag football game for eight year olds. I was like, like, what is wrong with you?


And they were kicking our ass. They were like all way bigger than our kids, blah, blah, blah. I'm like, all right, now you're smoking. I put the damn thing down like a slaughter rule. You're winning. You don't need to do all this.


And who has the time?


You don't work. That's we get it. You went to Joannes fabric's. Yeah. And all day went to Michael's head, right. Yeah. Oh that's right. Single one kid. Well that's a one kid poster.


He's not your first. It is OK, wait, so she doesn't recognize it seems like a shoe like on point, or is she like quickly before I have to go, I got invited to so I've had to make a whole new group of friends for banks. Right. Like her mom, those mommy friends. And I found a really nice group of friends. Thank God. I'm like sweating. I got to take this off. So I found so I've been hanging out with them.


We do a couple like singing things in the backyard, like all spaced out and they have these.


She has Tiffany Tellefson and Tiffany at Beja me has these lovely her. Her in-laws invited us to their beach house in Marina del Rey just to like, go outside and hang with the kids and have a beach day. My daughter screamed for 45 minutes and was the jerk of the party. Wouldn't let me set her down. I'm sweating and hot like it's like screaming. And the one time that she did let me set her down, she went and picked up a shovel and hit her friend in the head with it.


And I was like, and we're leaving school.


So we're leaving. They went to the beach. She's amazing, but she's also a beast. So they walk to the beach. And I was like, I just text. I'm like, I had to go. I'm so sorry. Banks is like a nightmare. I can't do it anymore. Like it's been forty five minutes. I drove to Marina del Rey. That's like not every day that we go on a little adventure. You ruined this.


I like talking to a two year old. I'm with you. I'm in my bathing suit. I'm Sandy. I'm sweaty. I have like three bags. I'm trying to get into their house just to go down the elevator because I had to park in. There's no parking in Marina del Ray. Right. They have this, like, cylinder tube thing that, like, only one body can fit in. And I'm trying not to get, like, sand all over the house.


And I'm like, do I make myself with my daughter inside this, like, cylinder tube stands like on my butt in a bikini because I, I was just like scrambling to go, OK, I get downstairs, the garage is so low I can't get the door open and I have to climb through my front door with my child to crawl into the back to put her in the freaking car seat.


Right. As a dad comes downstairs and my butt is just like like in where the caught like the middle consulars. And I'm like strapping her and I'm like, I'm basically in tears at this point. Right.


And he's like, Hillary, did you need some help? I'm like, I ain't my child. No, I'm fine. Let's compare. I think you screwed this all up. It's like it's too complicated. It's yeah, I don't know. Find the little car and with kids toys, how do they not all mixed into the other little cars.


Also, I just need actual buttons to press. I'm not that smart. I can't do a little thing in the morning and it's like and then it dies.


I am a hot mess. I will call her and I'll be like, I'm I'm going to lost. I don't know. I'm at Sunset and Blair. And she's like, give me a main street. How am I supposed to stupid. Yeah, exactly. Like I see a Chappellet like I don't know. I was in Canada with my family and she called me and was like, I'm in Santa Monica, like where I don't know how to get home from here.


And I was like, do you have another, you know, sitting on the dock with my family?


Can I talk to learn really quickly? I just I can't find my car in the parking lot like that's happened all the time. My son will be like, we lost again. You know what I do. Oh, my God. Are we lost again? Mom is our car again.


I just like a year ago stopped finding my car in parking lots based on what color car was next to my car. That was my thing.


I was like, when they leave Britney, I think it's between a red car and blue car, like it's a red G, but a blue state like it didn't occur to me. I'm better than that. I'm better than I.


I'm better than Gurnani that like the cars we're going to stay just for me and my God. Oh my. I'm like so weird. I parkening to a blue car like the red car is so weird with this prank.


Like I can be very deadzone when it comes to that shit. That is. I feel like if I said that to you, you'd be like, I have to quit the line.


The bar's low, but that's too far. Hilary Duff has normal problems. She has bullshit to this feels good to watch.


This feels good to just see her having regular problems. The last thing any advice, any good advice you've gotten in your long career?


Just good advice. Any good advice, any good relationship advice, any good parenting advice.


Let him cry. Do you just let him cry it out. When do you when do you go.


When do you go. When do you go. When they're crying. When they're, when you go in.


And that's my biggest question really. If I hear my dogs barking like I can't handle it and I'm like, I know that when I have a kid, I'm going to have to let them cry.


Oh, it depends on the kid on. Interesting. Yeah, I would probably never have let Luka cry. More than ten minutes. Fifteen minutes. Thanks fine.


She does hit someone with a shovel, she cried for 30 minutes before and the five minutes and the idea is let them stuff burn trysting.


Yeah. She's fine, I'm watching her. Yeah, fine, but it also second baby and by the way, I'll come in and she'll be like, hey, you're like a psychopath. Yeah, you just I thought you were dying and that worked.




I just hold your hands up, like, get me out, like, know what's our birthday. Am I late.


Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. I don't know. Put me on the spot October 25th and your birthday is coming up. My birthday's coming up.


Maybe thirty three. Are you. If I go I'm a Libra. You're right on the cusp.


I'm a I am. I know. So is banks. She decided I had a psychic tell me that she was like I, I carried her so low and the psychic kept being the psychic was like I was like what am I having her. Come on. Isn't she going to come out early? Like, I'm so sick of this. I hate to be slowed down. I've got like things to do. Yes. You're very like on it. And so she was like, oh, no, she's coming out on her due date and she wants to be a Scorpio and she wants to be born on a full moon.


And she was born on a harvest full moon on her due date. When it turned Scorpio. I was like, she's a real psycho thing. Oh, she was like, she's a she was like, I just I just keep thinking I colored dancing daughter. She's your dancing daughter. And I was like, that's kind of weird.


She is always dancing and animal. She does the funniest little dance. I'll show you when this is all over like she's always. And I missed her. I missed her class today because of you all.


She's going to become a comedian, right. This is going to happen. She won't be able to pay her way, documenting time with too much attention.


Kids need adversity to be successful. You're welcome, my friend. We're sending Tiffany was sending me a video, was like she won't stop dancing. I don't know what's going on.


Like, all the other kids are acting normal and she's covered in shaving cream and just like, oh, she's going to run the world, this one. So scary, yeah, make you do this again one day I would come back any time and I'm obsessed with your eyeshadow, your everything. I did this for you. I love it.


I've been trying to wear blue eyeliner for the entire quarantine and it does not look anything like that. I look ridiculous. Oh, my God. I'm going to send you this.


You're going to let me look like I'm a woman in Albuquerque going through a divorce.


Like it looks sad when I get up. You're wrong. I've seen it.


I also love your that make a video. You did that just at home. It was so soothing. You were so calm. Remember the one she just did like in her house.


I'm obsessed with your pink hair. Can I talk you did I copy this from you. I had green hair in the beginning. Of course I loved it. Yeah. The murky green so murky, the murky lake. What was it? Swampy lake. It was something. It was like, yeah, this is all Benson. Benson handled it. It was this took about eight hours to bleach and then but this is only like one wash.


I was so brave to bleach your whole head. Yeah. Well, you've committed nothing to lose then.


But thank you for phrasing it that way. I think it's more has nothing going on.


Stop. I think it's more on hireable and I can basically do anything.


No continuity issues here. Nothing happening. No.


I was actually shooting a movie when the pandemic happened and after like three months I was going to die my hair up. And then I was like, remember? It was like we were going to go over that month of denial where we thought this was last till like, I don't know, June, you know.


And then finally I just went for it. And then a week afterwards, they were like, we're back in production of some shit. You guys that don't you love it?


Don't you, like, feel love? I know. I love it. No one talks to you. Everyone thinks you're crazy. No one asks you for advice like it's the best. I ask you to watch their kids. Like there's just something I started getting perceived as like a little bit too responsible and I had to do something about it. Now people don't expect me to respond to texts or emails. It's great. I need to go back to that life.


Yes. You just have to, like, find a way to just, like, look crazy. I basically get texts every couple of days are like, hey, how are you doing?


OK, hang on. They're really good. On you go, girl. What's a girl? Hey girl, I was worried. I've had a romantic break and I have anything else and happy camper advice.


I don't.


I feel like you've shared so much already though. You are just like a beacon of wisdom.


Just you are. I'm not joking. Yes. Yes. I've always just said you just have like a lot of grace and like we're all I thought that was a lot of grace, which I have been to a lot of ways. The other thing I want to talk to you about is your hair. Something's got to happen. I agree. It's I actually have a hair appointment on Monday. You got to have fun. That's my advice. You got to have fun.


You have to like the other day now more than ever, I gave her the job of cleaning out the fish tank because I hate doing it.


I will do that. You will. I will come over and do that. Great. You can clean out that and the fish tank problem with the chicken coop or the gecko. But when there's lives at stake, I will truly do that.


No joke. Well, I'm obsessed. I used to steal fish from fish tanks when I was a kid.


Oh, me too. But I put them in my pocket and then my mom would find them and be like, Honey, you can't do this anymore.


I wanted to keep them. I don't know. They're going to die in there. That's you that she was stealing from Bloomingdale's yourself. We are monsters that you're not going to want to go to the fish tank because the like when Lauren separated the fish and had them in the thing that she's like at the sink, scrubbing, scrubbing.


And I'm like, I can't believe how long these guys have lasted for. It's crazy. Like they're so cute. Like ninja class sunshine. Where's the other one. Oh no. She's like what I'm like with the other one. She's like, what are you talking about.


I'm like, just get my three. She's like now kill you. She is sadistic killing you.


But also there's one that has these little the catfish cleaner sucker guy. Yeah. He's got these little like thing whiskers. Well I couldn't get him out so I had to grab him. Those are hard and spiky by the way they go and she's like, no, no. They're like soft. I was like, I have I think I've cut a stab and haemorrhaged from a whisker from a sharp with it's like a barb, like a porcupine, little porcupine.


I literally like growls and she was like, I like to play a lot of pranks. I mean, you really do.


I would like me singing and stuff.


Oh, we need to get a show out of this. It's like I'd pay to watch this. She was filming me and to pretend that I wouldn't know I was acting like I was filming things like banks.


Come on, get it.


But really, she's like, you are doing something really dark, you know, and then post it. And by the way, I was telling, yeah, you need my hair to match that down. I walked into the house is fair game.


Well, I would like to come over any time. I would like going to get a film and it's turning the heat off is still sends chills down my spine.


Yeah, you do. I sound crazy. I mean, it's diabolical. That is sad because it's a slow burn. I mean, that's a slow. You're really. That's not like a. One time prank, like a bucket falls on your head, that's like your you're watching someone think they're going crazy, you turned up his butt ruling the cooler. Now, have you have you figured out? Have you found out about it? No. Oh, my God.


Do you get hot when you sleep? Oh, God, I, I, I take sleeping pills. Oh, God, do I get. Yes I do. I wake up sweaty sometimes. Yeah. OK, well clearly it's not a big enough problem for you because I feel like either you have a response when you were like, yes, I need that.


Or like I blacked myself out, I'm unconscious. I have so many other problems before overheating because I don't get I don't get them.


I make so many sleeping pills. I've no idea. Yeah. Xanax, Lunesta, Ambien, Nyquil. Like I'm on such a weird cocktail.


I think before the Ullo we just need like Betty Ford to come in. I always add these very awkwardly. OK, don't ride elephants is always how I don't ride elephants, OK?


Because it's mean to the elephant who wants to be an elephant activist and an actor.


Can I. We need to talk. Yeah. OK, the elephants. We went to Africa for our honeymoon. You just can't get rid of me. So this is my truly I will do this all day.


I will do this all day because you know, the fans are going to freak out that it wasn't long enough that I didn't keep you long enough. So this got done that so far yet.


No, I'm dying, too. I'm dying, too. I was going to before covid. You were in Mozambique, right?


We went to Mozambique after we were in Kruger Park. Oh, yeah. Sangita is with us. We didn't see it, Sangita. But Sangita is amazing. I've always wanted to say that we stayed at Lion Sands, which is like equally as amazing. They're all kind of knew each other.


And what happens when you see the animal in the wild? It's it just what's the feeling?


The first animal we saw, we saw the most adorable, like 300 elephants bathing in this like mud pond on the just from like the the the airport to the hotel. I die. It's insane. You just come out of this, like, gorgeous airport and you're just in an open air vehicle and you're just in, like, the park. Yeah. So it's funny you start to see, like zebras and elephants and you're like, OK, move like after a few days, like, come on, coyotes like squirrels at this point.


Yeah, I would say even less rare than a coyote. Like it's like a dog. You're like OK. Yeah but but they're pretty amazing. But the first like scary one we saw was a I always confuse it. It was a cheetah and I always say leopard. They're like, there's no leopards there. Yeah. Like I don't I would conflate those two with the cheetah and it was coming around my side of the car and I'm like, OK, this is OK.


Right. This is cool. Everything's cool. I'm just like like they have a gun in the car. Don't they have a good do like on the front of the car. And the thing is over here by me and I'm in the back seat and it's just like starting to like it. It's body on the car.


It's in there's no it's in it.


You smell like placenta. This can't be this cannot be a good years ago.


OK, like I said. Yeah. That it was it was really it's it's insane. At first you're totally freaked out. And then also like rhinos and hippos are super dangerous.


Super dangerous. They charge. Yeah, they're very aggressive. And you can tell or even an elephant, if you see like a bull elephant, that means they're feeling like really feisty. Third thrash. Yes. And it's like you'll just come up on a bunch of trees that have been mowed down and they'll know there's like a bull elephant nearby.


And one of them was like standing in the walkway, like not the walkway, like the the pathway. It was just like rocking back and forth, looking at us. And they're like, OK, we're just going to wait and wait him out. He'll get bored after a while or just a building.


It's a building that can sprint. Yes. This place I work with. Pausa. That I'm going to talk to you about afterwards. They are the elephant enclosure because I was like, oh, let me help you build enclosures. They they took all the elephants from the Barnum and Bailey. They shut down Barnum Bailey, took all the elephants in there up north near Sacramento. And that's so cool. I know. It's so cool. I'm going to take you.


And I'm like, oh, let me help you with that enclosure. I work hard. I tore like, I've you know, I've sold a couple of podcast ads in my day. How much? And it's like for a bull elephant enclosure is something like eight million dollars because of the steel has to go.


I think it's like thirty feet into the ground.


Let me get some investors I lose, like, OK, I'm going to just go take a couple that collar power pizza campaign I just passed on.


I'm going to have to do I'm going to have to do that Activia ad. After all, do you ever see people that like to think you turn down and turn them down?


I think all the ones I get I know that for sure. I'm like some Rusev. I feel so fresh. Thanks, Hillary.


But yeah, I mean, it's like when a bull elephant is in thrush, they, I mean, they can flip cars, they can you know, they're so strong and so they can't put them in the wild and they can kill other elephants.




Because they've been I mean you'd have to get them to Africa from here, which is just a fortune.


But Paw's is one of the few in the United States GFX accredited sanctuaries, which is what we call tolerable sanctuary, tolerable confinement. Tuller. So they have so much space. Yeah. And they're socialized properly. But yeah, the bull, the bull elephants are just so hard to keep incap. Liberty, because it's just they're so fucking strong. Yeah, but I've got to take you in back. I was the most magical place banks and she'll flip over an elephant, but we could take Lukáš.


Oh, right, right, right, right, right. OK, looka. OK, yes. No banks. Banks will be at night, as you talked about the great hand. We can if we can ever find your keys, we will make this trip.


How about that. We just call Will. He'll start the car for us.


All right. I'll see you guys in the dorm screaming at me that I didn't ask enough questions about Lizzie McGuire. I love you, but she is my real friend, and I'm not going to ruin my friendship with her to get you gossip about its McQuire. It'll come out when it comes out. I love you, Hilary.


Thank you for doing this. What a time you.


And thank you for having me. I love you. I could literally talk all day. We ate the wine.