Corporate from. You as quick as saying please and thank you know. I can give you where started, I thought you make him do it twice, huh? I love, but you're into making them listen to it two times in a row. I know it's a weird it's like how I get myself ready to go. How do you prepare to do the podcast?

What's your name? Well, I come in, I have a seat. I look you directly in the eye and I think you and then I'm ready to start.

Gratitude. Yeah, yeah, and the little tears on your cheek, it's black from me.

No, it's just not just one blood, it's just a stigmata, it's one one trickle of blood comes down.

And then I know I'm filled with the Holy Spirit and ready to go.

So you guys, we haven't been in here with a podcast. You two is starting to come. We've totally refurbished the podcast studio. I'd even recognize it when I came in.

There's a bigger door where a smaller door was. Their shelves were what was there before.

That was a children's closet. That was the place I'd go cry. And now it's the place I go cry and put on makeup.

Yeah. And there's books in there. No one can see we're talking about it. It's beautiful.

We're going to be so organized now. We've got cubie, we've got the wallpaper you guys chose for us that you have Emily in the corner with Emily in the corner on her tiny little desk.

We don't let her sit it. Big girl chairs just to keep her. I'm a baby. Go down.

I want to see if I have an ego. I if you look that young, you've got to send the kids to your friend.

So Lindsey Sterling is on the episode tonight. Lindsey Sterling is like honestly like part of the reason I was so scared to be on YouTube.

People that do these incredible things, violinist, songwriter, dancer, start on YouTube in 2007 seven. She's been out there violin in four years.

It I like when I saw people like Lindsey Sterling, it had 12 million followers and is like flying from trees.

I can't play a kazoo, I can play the symbols.

I bought a flute because of American Pie. Did you buy pie? No worries about the flu. Got it. I went scrape the levels and I get the recorder. You're what I want. Scraped out the top of my mouth. Off the record, I was rocking in a rocking chair, playing a recording by a rock back to far dug out the top of my mouth.

I walked up to mom and dad, showed them the clip of Alyson Hannigan going one time at Bankim. I was like a flute in my pussy and I said, I don't like a flute.

I forgot that was the and my grandma bought it for me, never knew how to play it. But I was like, Alyson Hannigan had a flute. I need a flute. You understand a fan.

I am a good fan. I am a great fan. I love the people. Go up to Alyson Hannigan.

Airports like I want a flute because of you. She's cool. I love her. She's like a loser.

You guys, just so you know, Emily is now these guys are going to know Emily. She does injure herself in ways that are so hard to believe. And I just want you to know she's not exaggerating. It took me years to believe her when she says things like this.

I have a Band-Aid on my head right now.

The two of you together is dangerous. Emily, we did a show this weekend in Irvine, an outdoor car show, and Emily fell so hard that sorry, you're not loving the man.

Oh, no, I'm laughing. And we felt we were we had waited the whole show to come up on stage. You give away merch. Emily was walking back.

She was so excited. She walking backwards, looking at me, being like, I want you to get a picture of me if I can post it. So my ex-boyfriend is jealous. And then she went to turn. And when she did take her foot caught the the black wire that runs the TV from the microphones.

And she fell so hard, I held her margarita up in one hand, held the phone up in the other hand, and just being terbil head off the side of the parking garage floor.

And then the sound guy was like the whole building. This guy ran up and went, you fell hard. The whole building shook.

I'm sorry, Emily said he said to me, Oh, so then how did she look up at you much?

Oh, she looked at me like in pure terror and shot like a child. Like it was just I was like him so hard I couldn't I literally couldn't help at all. I did.

Emily and I just look over to Emily's, have it look like your hair was a girl and I was doubled over.

I couldn't breathe and I was laughing so hard.

I have a giant goose egg on my head.

No, we're audio only you take the. Oh, shit. While he's filming, you take the video. We're not only you know, it's just put a picture on. The bruise is much better, but it's just slit.

That is stigmata that's actual. That that's the thorns.

Third. I see. Oh my God. That is so funny. No, sorry. It's not funny. You're OK. There's something it was we you guys man came about for this show and he said the show is funny but watching you fall is a funny shit you guys.

Oh it's probably you guys we call Bobby Lee like Bobby. Well minutes ago when we needed him and now he's calling back when we don't need him. You have a what are you.

Oh, I was up your your party and you need some explanation about something about Woody Allen. No, but you guys used to hang out together all the time. Right. And just share the same line. I'm kidding. Yeah. At a party and I. Right. Right.

I mean, how old are you. All right. Anyway, so you're fighting now. Yeah. We were going to call you about something else and then it happened and then you call back. I love you.

Some of the Asian related. No, it was about cigarettes.

I love you. I'll call you later. Right. OK, so we are going to move on to Lindsay Sterling. We have so much to say. We're going to a big open next week. But Lindsay, I know you guys love her, her fans. I mean, I my goal is to have fans say things in the comments to me, like the ones that say to her, she's so beloved.

You saved my life. Yeah, maybe, I don't know, I'm not working on a little ditty. I don't know everything about you. I don't know. I mean, I'm not working on a backup plan. Have you looked at my my trash emails and you looked at my drafts?

Have you looked at my traps? OK, so Lindsay, she's amazing. I did talk a lot during this one, you guys. I was so excited to meet her.

Sometimes I'm like a little kid at CNN where I'm like that and I'm working on it.

And I promise I'm this is the last episode that I really interoperate. You know, the kids are meeting and cry with about that.

I did that. I was crying because you were interrupting. I was I wasn't sure I was I was so excited to talk to her and it was exciting.

It was just I was so excited to talk to her. I was just so excited to answer all the questions I had for her.

Because here's what let me just tell you guys. I know I already said this. Tell us, tell her, tell us. High def. And I believe that when you ask them a question, I've been on so many podcasts in my whole like I sometimes need a second to think personally. So I think I am projecting onto the people that they need a second to think. So this when I'm on a podcast. So I'm going back. So tell me about your worst date ever.

And in my head, I'm like, can I have a second to think about this?

So I go, let me talk about mine to give them a second to say just being a good host. But they don't think they don't no one knows the motive behind doing it. Yeah. So I'll be like, what's your most embarrassing sex story in their minds? This.

So then they have the moment they they're percolating.

We're going to turn your hand on this can or they can stop me. What if I just when you didn't burn it all, I think that would be the turn I think. Perfect sense.

I love you guys. So I'm going to stop explaining why I interrupt. I'm just going to stop doing it. And you guys are going to have to find something else.

We we can't stop thinking about me.

Oh, it's not sad at all. I just want you guys to know I'm working here. We're all working on it. I love you.

I'm an interrupter to look yourself. What? Emily, I'm a beauty queen.

First of all, Emily and I have got so full great gardens at this point. I'm biggity.

And we were eating there, Salt Lake City. And she just goes, come on, little lady. So I love you guys. Then today I tour dates. Oh, it's OK. We are going on tour.

We really won. And we were like, we were done. We're done. By the way, we planned this open for about two hours and we forgot everything we wanted. OK, today it's there on the website. You guys, what's the website? Whitney Cummings dot edu. It's dot com Spokane, April 15 to 17th.

We are coming. It's happening half capacity indoors. We just did this in Salt Lake City. It was great. It was so fun. You can't make it. We're going to be back. It's safe.

You can watch. Oh, we did a live for Salt Lake City. You can see on Bonnie's Instagram page at the end, we did a big we did a surprise.

And for the people that couldn't come to the show, we're going to be doing lives during the show at the end. So if you like, you can't come because you live with your grandmother and she hasn't been whatever you get it.

If you live with your grandma in a house made of candy.

Hansel and Gretel, BRCA Brady, California.

Where is Bria Bria? Is it the Inland Empire? It's like every girl I went to high school with was the name their kid that's so far, Bria Bryson, Bradley, Bryn, Brandon Greenbury.

But spelled like B are Y and the r y y y y q three crosses on the right side of the road.

Child abuse, brai California. It's basically L.A. It's like an hour outside L.A., Bryar, California, May 7th and 8th. All new material. Houston, Texas, we're coming at you May 13th through fifteenth, but very politely, we're coming very long. Coming at you.

We know we know you Texans don't like L.A. weirdos coming in.

But I'm half from Texas. I spent my entire childhood in Texas. Yeah, I love it.

Where my aunt, she lived in Dallas, Houston, Austin and San Antonio know every summer a different place I like. She moved to Chicago and I lived there for a long time.

I lost my virginity. I went there for a long time. You lost your virginity in Texas? Yeah. The guy coming on purpose?

Yeah, my ex-boyfriend. What? What? I lost my virginity. Well, in Dallas at my college boyfriend's house, he called me by his ex girlfriend's name. First thrust.

You lost your virginity at a Whitney Cummings show. And you can get tickets at Whitney Cummings dot com right now. And nobody did any Cummings at this event.

What was his girlfriend's name? I just had Claire. He goes, Claire.

Okay, well, you can look, Claire would know, to be fair, you do look like a Claire. I'm too bad you weren't clairvoyant.

Didn't see that come in the beach. I can't be that. We can't beat it. So anyways, you can actually buy tickets, lose your virginity. Did you learn that on the word of the day?

Clairvoyant Neulander from Charmed Deal.

Thanks, Alison. I'm still trying to make a play for the word of the day. Nobody wants it back. If you want to wear the day back, go somewhere else. Unsubscribe.

Don't don't subscribe. Tempe, Arizona, four, three, six. We're going to San Antonio. We're coming to you accept tickets are not on sale yet. They will be on sale soon. Any other. So if you guys are listening to this, the contest to win Zoome call on this podcast with the team ends March 15th. So all you have to do is you have to go to Stordahl, Whitney Cummings dot com. And if you buy any merch, it counts as one might try one like an entry entry, one entry.

Thank you. One entry. They usually represent a screen one to the artist. There's no signal one entry into the contest. You just got a good for your screen and literally just says, no, this thing, you're going to be good for you. Instagram page you show us your receipt will tally up how many items you bought, will put your name in a little drawing and you can win. It's being called on this podcast with the whole team.

We're really wanting to involve you guys more in the podcast. Now that we have things plugged in and stuff, we're really it's been a year and we're really going to start doing another podcast. We're going to get there one day. We're going to take calls, everyday questions. I really feel sorry for the only five guys crying or laughing so I can't stop laughing. Think about I'm falling. I'm sorry.

Oh, it was so funny. I told my mom she didn't.

It was funny when I when someone falls like I like there's been three or four times that I've seen a fall that the person was OK. But it brings up like repressed emotion from old like I might have his handicap.

He fell all the time. He thought constantly. One time he stood on a hill and rolled for like twenty minutes. And the hill was so small. I was like, how are you still rolling down this hill? You fell 20 minutes ago.

You were in the barn with the groundhog. Me and my mom are laughing so hard. One time I did this one time. One time my dad lit a firework for me when I was little because I couldn't let them, obviously, and then he couldn't get away from it fast enough.

I mean, like, that's why it was so funny. Oh, yeah. God bless him. He's such a good dad. Is a good dad still alive. He's alive. I'm sorry. Just when I. I'm just it's like oh it's just like. Have you ever seen that he so much. Have you seen the Kelsey Grammer video where she falls. Oh God I was laughing.

Never seen Beyonce fall on those stairs. Yes. That I didn't I never missed a beat. Not laugh. She never missed a beat. I do not laugh. I brace for impact and éminence do something amazing.

Yeah. So she got an all she got immediately up.

Look up, look up you guys if you just need a laugh. Having a bad day. Kelsey Grammer fall. I left.

I had to go right to leave work and I was laughing so hard and then this one is just ok. I saw and I saw a man and his wife fought on the escalators with a belt one time from the top to the bottom.

One time when I was an informal model, got my coat caught in the back.

I fell in Salt Lake City this week. I remember that. I fell from the front of the stage to the back of the stage getting up there. Nobody even helped me. I don't think I saw that.

Well, I was like, don't touch my dad. And all the time. Well, here's the thing. And covid times, if you fall, no one tries to help you out. It's not true. It's why true.

You fall like this summer. A kid fell in front of me and I stepped over it and I normally very go over it, I said because I couldn't touch it to be like, Are you OK?

And I did. I fell on a bike.

I told the story on the Brian Cowen episode, but we had to pull it all. Tell it again. I fell off a bike like in the middle of my neighborhood and like, no one would help me. Like, I was truly bleeding and I was like, Are you OK?

I was like, no, and I don't. And I, like, put a mask on. And they were like, no one would help me out. People are just going to start dying of open wounds.

And this is really true because when I see people for to go, excuse me, what's your PR. and then when they tell me, how can someone help them?

And then I leave because I don't be involved, you know, it's too much drama, but you don't want any microaggression you can't help people now is so much involved.

How do you identify someone else, handle it and you help them? I've done my part.

He needs it. I think that's a nice thing to do.

I saw a woman fall in. Target recently fainted and I was with him and she fainted and I went to help her and no one wanted my help.

And how did you help? Excuse me? I've seen a non binary human just so and I picked you up and I threw over my shoulder.

I felt like I messed up, right? Yeah. Like I started using horizontality, carrying dog food around. I started taking selfies with her being like, I'm a hero. Look, OK, I just put her back down.

I got it. I love you guys. TMZ, we love you. Any other announcements? Lindsay Sterling is coming up. It's emotional. It's hilarious. It's she's she's she she I feel very grateful to the violin of a human.

She's. Yes, but she also said she opened up about a lot of things in the podcast that she's not open up publicly. I feel very grateful and special. That was a song in her heart.

And she really let it to one line. She got to say she opened up and it was music to our ears. Had to think what she did get to say.

You've never heard on any podcast before. She said, I think it's true.

She said my I hope that that thought. But I'm an addict. I'm a to it. But I identify genetic Lindsay. Sir, we said Lindsay and she said, yes.

And we said, what's your trauma, by the way? This is how we know we need to stop with that shit. Because a drama executive emailed me from the business was like, I love your podcast.

I want to develop a drama. I was like, wait, I think I talk, I think coming this summer to life.

I think I talk about like addiction too much on this podcast, we love you, like subscribe follow us.

Banten Ramli subscribe, follow, share, comment, leave a review, tell your parents about it. Front page on Instagram of reverse psychology.

Don't cost no deals.

Yes, follow. Good for you. Page on Instagram.

And also we got hot and you're going to start releasing audio and video simultaneously on Wednesday. That is yet to be determined. Not one does not this next week.

We're going to start to start next week because a lot of people are having confusion about the audio is out. Where's the video? We're working on the same day. It's going to be white. You know, it's going to be Wednesday next week.

But don't hold us to anything, you know what I mean? But it is going to be tomorrow. I think it. OK, love you guys, I know you're as good as our sound now, but listen, really, though, because you're literally listening to this audio before. But before we go, though, actually, listen, this is important.

Guys, we have a lot of content in different places we're starting to create. So you do need to follow on all the different locations, such as YouTube or special YouTube videos. Now, just for you, too, this is my very serious voice. And then also you want make sure that your phone is good for you, Page. There's got to be a lot of aftershocks, things happening and you want to be there for that. You want to miss out on.

Mr. Lindsey Stirling choreographs dances for four months, but we are going to do things like just eat on camera for two hours.

Where do I know when you get write these beautiful messages like why aren't you guys, you know, in the Marvel movie? It's because you're not subscribing and liking comedy? Well, I'm not in because they didn't ask me. I'd like to retire.

So just whatever you need to do to get me there, like our future rests in you guys.

Emily, we need to pay for a medical bill. I need a fab fit. She's going to break your neck and fix my little eye. Look like you need a fab fit fun deal.

That is such a deep cut. I love you guys. Also, can we get Fab Fund as a sponsor? I want to open some fun ribbons. And you boxing, by the way, we I will not stop. I'm going to say right now I will not stop doing this podcast until after someone makes you gets a fab fit fund paid partnership.

Just because I want to see her open this box. I want a partnership. What's mine. No, you are.

Were you you're here already fatfat complexes. You told Whitney. OK, bye. I love you, Lindsey Stirling.

Don't ride elephants or butterflies.

I'm just so fascinated by you because you're like spirit and your energy and you're playing the violin. I just want to really just figure just figure out. I'm sure you've talked about this a million times. Like what? Why the violin? Like, did you see something when you were a kid? Like, how does that occur to you? Because I it would never occur to me to want to play the violin. It looks so scary and daunting and like I'm like I was the kid in music class.

It was like, can I get the triangle? Can I get the the what are these symbols? I was this first I was the symbol person in music.

I remember the recorder I was just about to bring up. Did you try the recorder. That was the music education we got in my school. Like everyone got a recorder, like the only instrument that no one uses past high school, which is a pity, you know, think how much better music would be.

Recorders were in songs.

It's like instead of a guitar solo and out your recorder mid concert. But I do think like like this is important because you have to learn this early.

You know, I just think that the violin is such an awkward position to play. I don't know.

It's just very uncomfortable. And so I think it is an instrument that is really, really best.

And you found a way to make it even more uncomfortable. I did. Amazing. Surprisingly, not for us.

But I do think it is important to learn as a kid not to say you can't learn later, but I kind of gravitated the violin because my parents both loved classical music and not like they were shoving it down my throat.

But because you heard it's just what was in our home. It's what was playing.

And I remember like listening to the Sheherezade suite and my dad told us that it was a story about a princess who, you know, and I was just like, oh, my gosh, tell me more. And so for me, music was like, God sounds great.

But that is also something they'd put in a movie to show that someone's a psychopath.

But in your case, not not what happened. Not the case. Thankfully, it didn't turn into a psychopath story. Movies just cut to the guy like playing a violin just to, like, add weird dimension to his character. Right. It's something that is so hard to do that it like makes you go like, oh, yeah, that guy's just has a different brain than me, right? Yes.

He's something must be off, which some people might think about myself as well.

Something must not appear to show me you're not the right one, that people think something's off with just a safe space. Oh good. Anything goes. But yes, I just gravitated towards it. And when I was like five years old, I started begging my parents to play.

So that's kind of where it all began.

When were you like like because that because that's just what I it makes me feel better to hear that. Like, when I hear about, like, great golf players and athletes, it's like they started number five and I'm like, oh, as if that's why I'm not a celebrated famous violinist like, oh yeah, yeah.

If I had just been able to start earlier like that, I really think it's something that we use to make ourselves feel better about other people's astronomical talent.

But did you know that? Albert Einstein played the. Violin, yes, they did. Fuck, you know, there's like not a ton of like a me. Are you trying to imply that you know more about Violinist's than me?

Well, to be fair, I kind of forgot and I hadn't thought about what I hadn't thought about that in a while. But usually that's the first thing you learn and then you move on. You reminded me.

Thank you. I'm glad I am. Now, remember that because it is like do have things in your eye.

Like I always just people that do impressions, people that play instruments like this. I'm just like, are they left brain, right brain. Sometimes they like just to see the world in a different way. Like are there other things that you do where you're like, oh, only violinist's do this or think this way or I know it with comedians. Comedians, right. You can walk in. It can be the best moment. They're winning the lottery.

Their mom's cancer was just cured and they'll find a negative joke to say or there's a reason this isn't as good. You know what I mean. There's always I can tell the that like we all have this habit where we just go to the negative no matter how positive the like.

If my dude gave me a gift for Valentine's Day and brought flowers and I just was like, what did you do?

Would you do like, what are you making up for? Like, my brain just like goes there. And I was like, oh, that's why I should be a comedian. You know, this is the right fit. Like, is there anything like I'm just curious. Like, you must be very mindful and meticulous. Yes.

You know, I feel like sometimes my personality doesn't exactly fit the personality of what like the kind of the classical musician.

And I think that's why I ended up steering wheel this way.

You had to make your own genre.

Yes, because in a way, Asako music is very much like, I don't know, I felt finally I discovered that I wasn't someone who wanted to just regurgitate what other people had already had already made, you know, and just I remember being in lessons in orchestras and you had to dictate how you expressed every note and like, this one swells and, you know, it didn't feel like I got to be like making a lot of creative choices, like your personality.

It was about it's about sort of like falling in line if you're playing in an orchestra.

That's kind of how I felt about it. And I worked for a while until it really did it.

And I was like, wait, why don't I like this anymore? Like, not even that I don't love it. It's like I don't even like this.

And I used to say it's like and it's just because for me the progression naturally would have been like, learn to play and then learn to create with it.

And it stopped it learned to play and then just get better and better at playing.

And, you know, and it really came alive for me when I was like, oh, I need to be creative with this.

I'm a little creative soul.

And so that's when it was like I refound my passion. I got excited about it and it's kept me excited to this day when you can do it on it.

See, that's something that's really like just so important, cause I think there's so many people right now who I see are achieving their goals or the goals they made for themselves. And then they're they're not happy. And they have to realize, like, oh, I made this goal before. I really knew what the job was. Yeah.

I mean, like, I made this goal also when the only opportunity to achieve my goal was this one way, like before I knew there were even other options, you know, so sometimes it's like I have to re envision or my goals and it's OK to get really good at something and achieve your goal and be like put.

This isn't actually making me happy. Yes. And this is what will oh my God. It's doing it on my terms. That's what I left out of my my my vision board or whatever the fuck it was when you were manifesting it.

Like because I remember when I got like a TV show and I was like, this was my dream and that it was like the wrong team. And I was like, oh shit. I didn't say like, I want to do it with the right team of people.

I mean, like, you're so focused on being in your dream that you're not like but I can also change the dream around because it's just not. I needed to be on my terms. Absolutely.

Now it's the perfect way to say it because I think you can only make a goal that's as advanced as like the next step, you know, like you because you like you don't understand until you've worked with a team like that was a perfect example.

You don't know how important that is.

And it's like just being able to constantly not like give up on your goal once you're like, well, this isn't what I expected, you know, so done with that, you know, it's like, OK, evaluate. And sometimes it's just tiny tweaks that you need to change in order to make what you're doing feel great. And other times it's like massive changes.

But yeah, that's just so I think that's such an important skill to have.

And then also to know as like when you're creeping towards your goal, knowing that you are even if it doesn't look like what it looks like. So like I was working on something this past week and there was like this Paea who was like I was talking to him and he was just again, I'm just like not doing what I want. I want to be producing or I want to be doing whatever. And I was like, no, no, no, you're that's happening.

This is just act to me.

You're not doing what you want right now. But this is like you're about to so close to me.

Like sometimes we don't know when we're in, we think we're in a mistake or we're in a like a life derailing. Or it's just like, oh, no, no, no, you're just like very close, yes. And this is exactly when you would doubt yourself. But in this part of the movie, the person wouldn't give up and then they would give it all they want to just do what you see in the movie. Think like the person in the movie, right?

Well, I recently read a book called Think and Grow Rich, and I loved it because, I mean, you need some cash or you write tight on cash.

Seen the views technically.

Right? You know, it was actually such a cool book. Someone kept telling me I should read it. It's basically about like manifesting and about achieving goals. And I didn't get has the wrong title because it's not just all about money.

It can be applied to like any goal or you have. It's about thinking it and then making it happen.

And one of like one of the chapters he just kept talking about how so often we get right up to the point of where we're about to succeed, and that is when most people quit because that's when the the challenges get real.

It gets it gets harder. And if it doesn't work out for me, I still get to say, well, I didn't try. Yeah. I mean, I still get to have the I get to let myself be off the hook by deluding myself into saying, like, well, I gave up so.

Yeah, well. Or like I tried, I tried. It didn't work and but it's like, oh so many people quit when they're like literally right there on the brink, you know, maybe.

And I know I got to that point several times in different chapters where I was like, I literally don't think I could do this anymore.

But that's when you have to just like put it into that extra gear and keep going forward because you could be so close to your breaking point in a good way.

It's so, so true.

And you don't really know until it's over sometimes, you know, but you're just making me think is your trajectory in your fame and your career like it's it's been so yours and that I just feel like it's so amazing and rare and I'm so jealous, but like so happy that there are creators that can do what they like, actually, because my guess is when someone was like, hey, you know, do you want to do a thing?

And you're like, yeah, can I hang from the ceiling and spin in circles by playing the violin? Or that might not have a super early.

Oh, that was that was actually super recent. Right.

So but I heard on your thing that that people would say, but like, do you need a singer or do you need to this and you're like this post this and I'll show you that I don't need any of the shit you think I need.

Yeah. Well, you know, at the time so you're referring to like back in the day when I was on America's Got Talent.

And, you know, I think that was my point of, like, I almost gave up after that.

And I could have very much said I really tried.

I really gave it a go because I had, like, been performing it open mic nights. I'd been, you know, traveling in my little car, trying to do gigs here and there. You know, I'd been working really hard. Then I end up on America's Got Talent, I think, oh, my gosh, this is it.

All that work is paying off.

And then I'm on stage in front of I mean, I think it was eleven million people and I just get totally cut down to size and like, humiliated and, you know, it's not how you felt.

Oh absolutely. I mean, if anyone wants to watch it, it's it's tangibly like don't watch anything.

You can watch it. It's fine. Let me I'm over it now. Let me can I and I and I'm sorry. I haven't. Oh sorry. OK, so if I interrupt something when they're dogging Emily she hits me with a dart gun. Oh.

So I just get so excited. And I actually think the only reason she hasn't done that is she's so worried about hitting you.

I love your viewers know that. They know. Yeah.

They're the ones there why we do it. I just want to watch one where, you know, you actually don't worry.

Oh, I will. I'm trying so hard to not interrupt you. It's working is the good news.

I just I want to get back to what you were just saying. Like, how are you feeling? Oh, cut down to size that before we interrupted.

Yeah. I mean, but let me just ask you a question. You literally just interrupted the interrupting of asking not to be interrupted.

It's actually it's actually a skill. I'm allowed to interrupt you. I'm not allowed in here. Oh, shut.

I think bullet's in it. Say women can't use guns. I know. We all know it all this time. No, just that.

Like, just and I don't know if this is helpful to anyone.

I think it's more like, you know, I've just been in those shows and been a judge. I feel like so much of it is produced. I feel like they do that because they're like, OK, we have to pick this person. And so we have to someone has to say something negative or someone has to say, so, you know what I mean, to make a show.

That's why I've never wanted to do those as a judge, because I'm like, I know they're going to go.

We have to you have to say no to this person.

I'm going to be like, I can't. I like, you know what I mean? Like, it's right. I don't know. I just feel like a lot of it's fucking they overdo it for fake drama. And you're like, you know, this is someone's life that you're right. Doing this, too.

And like people vulnerably performing, that's that's drama enough. I know. And these are people that already like the fact that you got here already means like you're the like that's how I feel. Like all these you go right. You're here, which already means you're in the top point. Oh, two percent. I'm just making up mouth. But you can't correct me. So I might as well be right, like you're already in the top two percent of fucking performance, you've won, but we have to pick someone and because of whatever fucking last year alone with this guy.

So we're going to go with this person and that's just say it like that, right. Is watching that show, I realize I'm pitching a terrible idea for a terrible show that no one's going to watch.

But I just like that always bums me out because I even feel like the viewers are like, OK, you're just saying that because you have to say something to make drama.

Here's the good news. Yes. Do you really think you would be the most famous person in the world on YouTube had that not happened to you?

Well, that is actually why I like this story so much, is because, like at the time, it was the most devastating thing that could have ever happened to me. And I was like humiliated. Like I cried backstage for an hour until they told me, like, we're closing up for the night.

Like, you got to go. Like I mean, I sobbed. I felt like my dreams are over, blah, blah, blah. I was very young.

And, you know, really, that's by the way, if that if someone did that to me now, I would also think, you know what I mean. It's not about being young. This happens at every age. And actually it's fine.

No, but that's a really good point.

It's not like I was naive and young. It's like anybody who faces a huge disappointment of something that you were excited about.

Totally healthy reaction. It's normal, healthy, you're know, validation. You're not crazy. I think it's like you were your whole life or something. And then you have the story in front of you and then, yeah, someone that knows how hard this is has the gall to say something like it's just like, get the fuck out of here. Like I did shows like they make so many amazing careers and those that shows moments are amazing, but those like unnecessary negative moments that I just am like I think your I think that Hollywood people assume that viewers are as sadistic as they are.

And that's a really good point. Yeah, no, because I've never seen a video her like I love that part of the NRA.

She tore her apart like, no, you're like that was unnecessary.

But it was I take it's comfortable, you know, it's uncomfortable to watch people go through that.

And, you know, but I look back on that experience and it was my moment of like, I don't think I can do this anymore.

Like, this is too hard. It hurts too much and I'm too embarrassed.

There's that, like, inside voice and that, like, gut intuition, that spirituality, whatever, like you want to call it. Yeah.

Just kept being like, you're not done yet. Like get back on that stage.

It's not over for you. And I God I did the fact that someone that fucking sorry I deserve that one continue.

But I'm just saying that I just feel like right now, like I just in general and this is part of the reason you are who you are, that I just think we all have to be gentle and great and have grace with ourselves, because the kind of person that was going to be devastated by that is the kind of person who's going to fucking put all her heart into videos and become famous later. I'm saying I'm just saying someone that cares that much, that's a good quality.

Like, I think we're just in this trend right now of pathologies and good qualities where people I just care too much. I'm just too nice. And, you know, I'd like to stay that. Yes, I like it. I'll say it all the time. Like when a predator comes out or something, I'm like, I guess I'm just stupid and naive. And I'm like, you know what?

I'd rather be that, yeah, I'd rather care too much and be the one crying because I care so much, you know, then the other way around. All right. Fluctus, you know. Right. That makes like I just feel like the way you react to something like that, everyone should be proud of if that's the way you act because you care so much and that means you're going to excel in the next chapter. Absolutely.

And like, that's the thing that even now I remind myself of when I'm like to discourage and I feel like I care too much. I'm too disappointed to actually know, like I've been through this before and have persevered through hard things before.

And I can do this and you can do the exact right amount. Yeah. And, you know, looking back, like you said, you were like, would you be as successful now if I had won the show and hands down. No. And it took I actually think it'd be worse.

I'm sorry your manager's here because you'd be the winner of fucking America's Got Talent and that's all anyone would see.

Well, you'd ever be seen also. They have. You had and you got the perfect sorry.

You got the perfect did situation well. And, you know, it's funny how sometimes talking about goals again, like what you see, like all I could see in that moment was I want to win the show so badly.

I want to win America's Got Talent. It'll change everything. And it turned out to be the best thing for me to not win, because, one, it made me stronger. It made me get up after falling.

I think you won.

But also, like I had already signed a contract that basically said, if I win the show, you own me and you own everything I do for the next ten years. And if I had won, that would have gone into effect. I wouldn't have been able to start my YouTube channel, like literally.

I never much like the voice.

Like, I'm sorry, do I have a gun? No, fuck.

Much like the voice I was getting into it. It was heavy, but it was fight to the air. I'm so sorry. I thought it was like a Bobby pin holder. That's like ten pounds. This is a nice brand mascara and I'm keeping it. It's concealer.

Then I'm keeping it back. Now we do have the same exact skin tone. It's a mistake.

Much like the. Winners of the voice, like, I can't name one winner. Yeah, do you know what I'm saying? Right. You win what obscurity like I think it's better that you win, weren't you?

No, I don't. Didn't you win it? But, like, good. Yeah, you. But this is like, dude, you're this is you're so famous. Oh my dude knows you like literally I we've had some pretty big people in this podcast. Oh my God. She's fucking amazing. He's seen all your videos. Oh he's all he climbed rock climbs and they all watch your videos together like it's you're very big in the rock climbing community.

I mean a bunch of guys that are strong and rock climb.

Watch my videos. You. Yes. OK, you don't think the fingers are all fucked up?

Oh, they have like weirdly dry, calloused fingers that have cuts on them. And if that's the standard for you. Yeah. And here's what's so smooth.

Hands is at the top of my list.

What I'm saying, they they also can't get them wet because it softens them up. So they never. Wow.

So he's really into this. Yes. OK, it's not just like a hobby, like a once a month thing.

No. This is because you have to hang from these things on the ceiling to keep your fingers strong.

That's just I just imagine him just like hanging out when you come home and you're like, do you know why I feel like they're jealous because you have such strong fingers?

I bet I do. Do you have the most strong fingers? Will you give me a little more? A little more. A little finger you like.

I like some strong fingers. Don't break your fingers. Oh, my God. So are you fears insured? I think I do have some.

This is when you're the most successful person in your field, when you're not sure if you have insurance. I like looked over on your body.

I'm like, I think I do. She does right on her hands for the hair.

So I wish you had insurance for hanging from the bun video.

Yes, we had to in order to film it like a life experience.

So the insurance person comes in and is like this feels like you're not going to make it.

So we're pulling out of the deal. Yeah, we are. We're going to come to the show because this is going to be very entertaining because you might not make it. But but so they they had you had trouble like insuring that set.

I think that was in order to insure the set, we just had to pull an extra insurance for my s like.

So as you're hanging from the bond, like, did you were you like, I know this is going to work.

OK, so so for anyone who's really confused, like why we're talking about me hanging from my hair, you know, everyone listening knows you.

You're very famous. That's that's very generous. Just a metrics thing.

Like I'm not happy about it. Trust me, I miss everyone. Listening right now is listening for you and they've never heard of me. I'm fully aware of this and I'm fine with it. But I'm just so curious, like, should we play it? Because for me, like, sorry, I feel like I'm held back by I but it seems so much trouble like. But is it really going to work.

Like you're just like I'm going to hang from the sky and have fun playing a violin dancing and there's no backing down. Like every meeting I back down more and more. I'm like, OK, I don't have to hit it could just be a it could be like half, you know what I mean. You never backed down somehow.

You know, it's funny because when I first decided I wanted to do this, I saw it in a Cirque du Soleil show, which my managers now don't let me go to Cirque du Soleil shows like you're not supposed to go to the Cirque show and come away with like like I want to do.

You know, you're supposed to be like, wow, you go to Cirque to watch that and you never attempted it. And yeah, yeah. You go like that's for that. That was for like special trained performers who do this their entire life. But somehow I walked out of this Cirque show and I saw this gal do a hair hanging routine.

And I was like, I could do that while playing the violin. I know it. I could do this. Meanwhile, she's got like straps like they've got a whole rig that you don't know about.

So any, you know, covid is happening. I felt like so much was taken away from me, like all of us.

And here I was sitting at home, like I said, the world is over, so what can I do?

So I was like trying to plan this virtual concert. And I was like, what could I possibly do? Virtually that would just I want to do something extraordinary. I wanted you know, I want to feel extraordinary in this performance for my for myself, for my fans. And so I remembered that Cirque show. I searched online for hair hanging people.

I would love to know what your algorithm I'd love to know the ads, your computer chatrooms after those Google searches, which I evaluate.

So I finally, after much search, it's really difficult to find a hair hanging teacher. And so finally I found, you know, shit. Yeah. The things that you wouldn't. I love this. I love there's like a list of jobs of people that only you know about, which is just such an interesting list of careers.

Head hanging specialists. Yeah. That's at the top. Yeah. So I find these teachers, I get them tested, I fly them to L.A. so like by. This time, I've invested a lot, they were so excited, they were like, we're fans of your music and it was like quite a secret head hanging person gets a call every four years, you know what I mean?

Like, let's be honest, any phone call would have excited these people. But you were taking that away. Yeah. I mean, Miranda Cosgrove, she was telling me the story about her grandmother and this amazing moment they have.

And I was like. You know, it doesn't add up, I don't like you couldn't have gotten like I had to pick apart the story, just like when I was a very special she's like, you're ruining my relationship with my grandmother.

I was like, oh, sorry, continue. So they come to L.A. They, like, teach me to do the hair. It's like I'm so excited. And you're on a stage getting to know where at my house in L.A. and we go out and I was like, perfect. They were like the first time. We just need a beam or something that you can, like, put weight on from. So we go out, I have this little jungle gym in my backyard and so I'm just in the backyard and I clip in and I just like put a little bit of weight, like a basically bend my knees.

My feet are still planted on the ground and my eyes just got so wide.

And I looked at them and I was like, isn't the leg? Because it was quite an in-depth hairstyle. Like it took us over an hour to do my hair.

Yeah, it's a bun with like with brains, with braids.

And yeah, it has to be like combed perfectly. So the hair all just distributes. Yeah. OK, it doesn't have to be a certain length.

It was a little bit longer than this and it was like fairly long helping you teach people how to do at home.

Do not do this. I will just say do not do it is my my advice.

And anyway so I'm just like wasn't there the hair supposed to help? And I'm thinking they must have done my hair wrong.

And the girl just looks at me, she's like, well I mean, no, it's, it still is going to be extremely painful.

And I just like any idiot would know that. But here I am just like feeling like they lied to me and they're like, well, and then I was like, tears. As you remember, your violin was hard. Yes. Yeah. So, yeah.

And I remember thinking after that first day, like, I didn't even like lift my feet from the ground. And I remember I was like, I cannot go back tomorrow and do this again.

But I the idea that you're building up a tolerance of pain.

Yeah. And it's also just kind of mind over matter. You learn that you're not going to rip your hair out and your scalps not going to rip off.

And then this survival instinct is old. It's not helping me.

It just kind of like because I asked, you know, the second day I asked her, I was like, does it get easier? And she was like, it doesn't get less painful. You just understand the pain. You just get used to the pain. You understand that it's not going to harm you because you've done it before.

And so but the only reason I went back for that second and third and fourth lesson is because I'd hired them for a week to teach me and I was too embarrassed to not show up like they'd just flown across the country to be there.

I got the motel like I paid them. I was too embarrassed to be like, never mind, like I'm a pussy.

I can't. Yeah, I, I'm not even going to try again. So I just realized that you people are fucking nuts. This is an insane idea and we're in a pandemic. Never mind apology's. We're all going a little crazy. I have a flight for you. Yeah. Yeah. I have not seen anyone in six months.

The first person I tried to see was a hair hanging expert who I flew up for a week and I'm hanging from my gymnasium. Yeah, no. Yeah, it would be. But that's that. Can I tell you. Fear of embarrassment. Again, that is kind of a quality that I try not to mythologize some of the best things, the things I'm most proud of. I was afraid of being embarrassed. I was afraid of people thinking I couldn't do it and I did it.

And that a great driving force that is like if that's where you find your motivation in that moment. Yeah, take it. That's why every man that's ever killed a woman has done it.

It's a very strong I was seriously being embarrassed. People people are more afraid of being embarrassed than anything than death.

Yes, probably. It's true. Probably another statistic I just kind of made out. But I know.

I know it's true because I've seen mine. Hunter Mm. And it's about serial killers. And they all killed because their wife or girlfriend, they felt embarrassed in some way. You know, yeah, it's a big one. Don't embarrass anyone, though, don't embarrass men, they don't like women being embarrassed. Good things happen. They were covered by our hair. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So and then so was there. When you did it, did you only have like a like how long can you do that. So I once I did it a couple of times. By the time my teachers left I hadn't really I only learned to put weight on it and so I hadn't learned how to do anything yet. So then they leave and I'm like going to this like studio by then, by myself. And I just clip in and just like kind of hang around and just like spin.

And I watched enough videos and I would call the gal that taught me and ask her questions, but I just kind of taught myself how to spin and rotate and, you know, I would look online and see things people had done and anyways, kind of made this routine.

So, OK, this is because there's just so many reasons to give up here. And you just didn't like what is that like?

There's just so like this is too hard, but I'm not going to give up, you know, I just feel like I have faced this, like, feeling of this is impossible several times before. That means I'm close. And that means it will means I'm closer. It means I'm just in the first phases. You know, it's like I just haven't learned it yet.

And I remember this is hard. Yeah. Learning about it, it felt impossible when I started. I vaguely remember, but I remember it feeling like how could your pinkie possibly do that?

You know, like still doesn't make sense, but yeah.

And then it was like I remember doing magic, like I did a magic routine once on tour and I wanted to like appear out of this magic box and I learned how to do it.

I was like, this is impossible and it hurts, but I learned how to do it. And suddenly it wasn't and still hurts to pop out of a box.

It was kind of well, I was hey, I'm not going to I'm not going to give away the tricks of the trade. Right. I'm sorry, but I mean, the hair hanging was definitely the most painful in mind over matter thing I'd done.

And I think also it just kind of came at a time when I was so discouraged from covid and everything I needed for myself to prove that like and because I mean, everybody that loved me told me, please give up, please, please stop.

Because, like, I mean, not only I was afraid my hair would rip out, but I was, like, really afraid I might enjoy my neck.

Yeah, that's it. It's just all that way. Just like and having to be clear that you have so much control of your body and like seeing videos before that you're like, OK, she knows what she's doing. But if I had just seen that and knew nothing about you, I'd be like, this is it is scary, right?

I was I was kind of terrified for my neck. And just how much pain, like, you know, when I went to a specialist was like, is there anything wrong in there? Like after a few times. But, you know, finally I just realized every time I clipped in, it was going to feel impossible.

And it took about twenty minutes to feel like I could do it.

Every single time your head goes numb after your head was going to go numb, your brain cells are dying. You're like, oh, so that's what they didn't tell you.

You'll go hang in there. You'll go numb any day now.

That's pretty much once you kind of went numb, you know.

And when we filmed this, we did it enough times that like I mean, I think I was hanging for about an hour to do this because we had to get all the angles and, you know, but there's no because I'm like, she must have stopped down after every I was like looking at the cuts being like she was stopped and they must like, it's just you did it the whole time and more.

Well, the problem is, is that like once you take the weight off, it's like the blood rushes back to your head when you get off it.

Does it feel like you're floating? Yes. Yes.

Even more so than when you're actually floating. But yeah.

So I told the guys I was like, once we start filming, we don't stop because if I take the pressure off, like, I can't start it, it's too hard to start again. Who do you look at besides Cirque de Soleil?

And you're like, fuck, they're doing some cool shit. Oh, pink. Which I was just thinking, oh, I love paying so much.

Have you been to another concert? Oh, I was at the Grammys or something where she's she's on the ceiling. There's no not at the Grammys. There was no net.

Yeah she's she does it in her shows too. She's insane. I mean it's wild. Yeah. She's on. What is it called. Is it called acrobatic yoga or so it's like, it's like some crazy silk's the tumbling in fabric's in the sky with no net. Yeah. Looks very intense.

She's so cool. I love pink and she just her attitude about life like everything about her. I'm just like no fox, no fox. No she doesn't really care.

You just want to I'm like I want to go to lunch with her. I just want to be her friend. We now take a moment in your regularly scheduled program, i.e me interrupting Lindsey Stirling. I'm an interrupt myself this time.

How do you do that? Me, me doing ads is just me interrupting myself, you guys, I would talk about the harvest.

Yeah. This episode, I feel like I was interrupting a lot. So I feel the need in this outbreak to say, you guys want to hear Benton and Emily talk. You interrupted your own show where you were constantly interrupting to talk about daily harvest.

My life is super busy mining my lifestyle really busy. We're all busy. I'm very busy. I got to work. I take care of family impact. Oh, yeah, I am busy. You understand me?

Well, none of that is true. He's reading the copy. Know is that. Have you heard it. That's definitely true. Have you heard about Daehlie Harvest. I have because I'm so busy I use it while they deliver delicious food all built on organic fruits and vegetables right to your door.

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Me too.

I was really busy and grab on on the way out I had ginger and greens, but I wasn't nearly as busy. I had those cookie dough balls.

Oh, how come I don't know about those rare though. I ate them on the show once on camera.

Oh yeah. Was that one of the lost the lost weeks of my life in the last. Oh I know. Is it the last weeks.

All I know is that I'm really busy and I love Daily Harvest and get very busy because they don't use preservatives, added sugars, artificial anything and they had this new almond milk. Wait why is it spelled my Elkhart's almond milk.

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Well often that's audio slogan. Whose slogan is that to deliver. It's up to you Kate.

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Whatever I want. Bam you want ginger and greens at your door. Bam you want spearmint bam.

I put the dry ice in my cauldron. All right.

I might throw a Halloween party for this. You guys sold me. Well, you're already signed up for it, so I hope you are well.

You sold me sold bingbing. Oh my God.

Read Anakonda Anaconda right now so I can go pass out Helix Mattresses.

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Can you hold your hand please? Trump. Oh God, definitely. I believe. Yeah. Hold on. We have that on camera right now. I don't believe it. What are you sleepy doing on camera?

All right. How do you sleep? Do you know? I feel like you're a fetus. You sleep like a fetus. I, I knew it inside of a woman.

I wish I been trying to get back in my mom's uterus for thirty six years.

Remember when in The Revenant, Leonardo DiCaprio cut the words open and got inside? So I know it always makes me think that I sleep on my back back.

No one sleeps like me.

I sleep on my back. Really.

But but do you do hands by your side.

On your chest. That's how I sleep. That's so strange. I wonder if we took the same sleep because if we don't get the same bed, we did it. We got different beds, masteries.

I have a dear old mattress. He likes to sleep. You take it. You buy one of these mattresses. Oh no. Perfect. We're selling these products to you.

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Oh, by the way, just leave this then.

This is the third time today I almost drank a candle and they were lit the first two times.

So I also I was listening to I try to not listen to anyone's interviews before I talk to them. As you may have noticed, I don't like things to feel super interviewee, but. I was listening to one that you had where you were saying, like, I was in a Orchestre and then you decided to get we kind of talked about I'm sort of obsessed with the moment that people have.

And I still don't know if I've totally had it where you realize without any, like, ego or narcissism, when you're like, no, I think I've hit this moment, but then I get scared and relapse sometimes where you're like, no, I'm not meant to be here.

I meant to be the only person.

I mean, yeah. Where it's not it's not like. It's it's true, but we've been and maybe it's just a girl thing where we've been sort of conditioned to believe, like, don't take up too much space, don't shine too bright, don't you know what I mean? Like a wild and not feel like guilt when I was on stage or something like, you know, but maybe it's different, you know, with what you do because you're you know, you're always talented.

You know, though I remember the like a very specific moment that, like, changed. I feel like my trajectory.

And it was when I was in high school, I was a senior. I was trying to earn money for college.

And I found out, like some recruits came to recruit at my school for the junior miss pageant.

Oh, you know, who would have thought that the junior miss pageant would like kind of change the way I looked at where I wanted to go, but I was like listening to what they talked about.

And I was like, I've never considered myself a pageant girl. I was like, but I can do all that stuff.

Can I tell you I'm sorry, pageants? Yes. I'm the first the first person of a million jokes about pageants being dumb, whatever.

But for young people, it's like I from what I understand, it really builds a lot of confidence. Absolutely.

It's not about like I mean, what if we win it great. Like, no one's going to like, hire you later because you're got this place in this pageant. But what it just does for kids confidence and like performing in front of people like absolutely like.

And that's why I didn't want to do it at first, because all the stigma around pageant. But I remember doing it. They taught us like interviewing skills. They taught us how to be poised on stage in front of an audience like it taught a lot of skills that were really helpful in the future.

But also there was a talent category, which I was like, I mean, you weren't in a bathing suit, you know? I mean, that's it's like that's the only thing that ends up people like.

Oh, right. We didn't have women walking swimsuits.

That is the part we like. This feels like a chauvinistic show. Every woman, no matter how there's like a little like it's just like your inner thighs. They're going to I mean, I don't walk, I but I walk to the bathroom naked with my dude.

I put a thing around my waist. I can't walk in naked in front of anyone. I'll be naked, but I'm not going to walk naked. Is that not. No one's really done. Oh no, I think so.

I've just never, like, actually heard anybody say it. But it's so true. I don't want everyone at the beach. I don't like if I'm going to go to the surf and I'll take the towel to the surf, get out and then walk very. Or wait till or I'll wait till someone's looking the other way and then side shimmy like I big crab walker high.

But yeah I just, I'm like yeah I don't even know why I'm on this tangent. Well the swimsuits.

Yes, yeah. That's what it is. It's like it's the swim you're making women walk in high heels. Oh. Abided by.

No thanks but luckily they didn't have that in the one I did so I didn't have to do the swimsuit.

The junior must have a bikini competition. Yeah, that would be the same school you went to.

So they did have like this talent portion. Of course, I'm like I'm going to play a classical violin piece.

But when we were like prepping and I saw there is several violinists, quite a few actually, surprisingly, and they were all playing these concertos and they were all really good.

And I thought to myself, how am I possibly going to stand out as one of five violinists playing some random concerto?

And I remember talking to my mom and I was like, I just wish I could do something fun. Like there's dancers that are dancing. I want to do fun things. And she was like, well, make the violin fun.

She's probably really annoyed that I'm saying this about a skill that she helped me develop with, like, you know, so much, paying for lessons, paying for violins and years.

She's like, oh, and it's not fun enough for you.

So she was like, well, then make it fun. We've all invested in that. Yes. You're you're doing this. You made your ballet.

And yes, I can imagine the stress of having your daughter, who you've paid for violin lessons do for years. Like, I don't really want to do it. I know you're doing it. You're going to get whatever is your vocation. Pretty much. So I took that, though, and I thought, OK, well, I can make a rock song for the violin.

And I got some friends to, like, play their guitars and like drums. And I wrote this Little Rock song is the first song I'd ever written and I decided I would move around on the stage. You can't even call it dancing. I would just say, like timed movement. I like put my hip to the side, like wink and I'd like cock my head, you know, like but it was the most like rudimentary movement to this Little Rock song that I wrote.

And I will jump here.

And it's also funny to me, I love hearing this part of the story, but it is funny that the story is like I was just trying to make playing the violin less uncomfortable.

But now that I know how uncomfortable it is, I sort of feel like you're just like, OK, now this little bit of my neck, I break it up like I'd rather physically be running around than just standing here getting a fucking sciatica, just give a little freedom.

And so I just remember doing this on this, you know, this rock song. And I had no idea how anyone was going to react because, you know, I was like, no one's going expect this. Are they going to be uncomfortable? Are they going to I didn't know what the reaction was going to be, but people were smiling and, you know, their little suits and, you know, cheers, which for a classical violinist, you never get out.

Whoa. In the middle of your performance. And I just was like, wow, that was.

Like, I had a blast and I have to figure out how to chase something like this, and that was like a huge moment for me when the violin went from being just like, this is what I do to like, oh, my gosh, this is what I want to do.

I feel like actively.

Yeah.

And I mean, it's just it's I do think there's a little bit I think I touched on this earlier and lost my train of thought, but there's a little bit I'm seeing an epidemic of this next generation thinking everything should be really easy because I don't know if they're like looking on social media and they're just seeing people winning at a young age and it's giving them a dysmorphic idea of what it takes.

I mean, like, I love when people are successful, when they're like, I just worked my ass off since I was five and like, that's how it goes. That's how I a sustainable career goes. But I just feel like I'm around so many people. They're like, well, how come I don't have this?

And you're just like, because you've been doing it for two years and don't let Instagram fool your psych you out. Just work harder than anyone. And I promise you will get everything you want.

I love that. And it's and there's nothing to be said that, like, you don't have to start when you're five because a lot of people in their later life are like, well, I want to do something now.

I just tell myself that to justify why I'm not talented and skilled tasks.

Oh, but yes, you are in you're like in what you do and like asking. So yeah. Don't, don't self-deprecating like that. Thank you.

Do you know what they don't talk about my friend like that. I like that. I love that. But that is such a great way.

You actually you're so good at this because when people self-deprecating disparage themselves, it's this weird moment now where you're like we know what that does and we know that every self-deprecating is a little tiny cut to the soul or the spirit or the self worth.

And you're teaching other people how to talk to you and all that kind of stuff. And so now when someone does, it's like, oh, because I'm an idiot. Like, I what I you just perfectly said that to me in a way that didn't make me feel defensive because I was, you know, an attack some. You're just amazing.

Oh, you're so I just was like, OK, I need to stop doing that. Whereas like, sometimes I see people like don't talk about yourself like that. And then they're like like, well, I know I feel bad. And I was joking and it's a habit.

And you do it to what the fuck like I think because I have so much I'm like ing anger, just resentment about how long I did that to myself when I see someone else doing it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're just like you just handled that with such grace are so nice.

Well thank you. But I do feel that it's funny because I play the violin that was, you know, six five.

But I didn't start dancing until I was in my 20s, you know, and it was merely because I had that experience on stage. I was jumping around and people liked it and I had fun.

And so I thought, well, how far can I push this envelope? So then it turned into like a little bit of choreography. And then I was like, I bet I could spin and play, you know? So it's like anything can be developed. But it took years nonetheless. And so much work. I just I love because it's like, you know, stuff like stand up, stuff like that.

I mean, creating your own genre of like this and like all the amazing things you're seeing people do online like it. There was a point where they couldn't do it. Absolutely. It's just weird to think about that. I don't know why. It's just sort of like I couldn't do it either. Then I figured it out. You know, to me, when people say about standup, like, I can never do that, I'm like, no, I couldn't either.

No one can until they work for 10 years on it, you know what I mean? No one absolutely like I don't know why there's a little bit like and maybe it's just because we're in this like like clip culture where we're only watching little three minute clips where people aren't getting in depth about like what they went through. It's just like sort of everyone we're seeing. We're just seeing them when they've arrived at their destination.

Right. You know, absolutely. It's like I think you did post on YouTube of like a blog of how you did the hair thing, right? Yes. See, I love that you do that to, like, demystify it, to go like it took all this hard work. Right.

You know what I mean? Well, that was one of the another reason that I was like, I want to do this because I really wanted to post that vlog.

I'd been working on it. And I was like, I want to prove that you can do hard things. And I like this one. You got such a disappointing vlog.

If at the end I'm like and I quit, that's really actually very amazing to to film yourself doing the thing you're trying to accomplish.

Just so you're like, I've shot all this, I have to do the thing. All this footage I've already started editing. It's a great story. It's going to make people cry. It's going to make people so good. You, like, trapped yourself.

So you had so many ways. Also, this was part of a show and I had no other creative for this moment. And I was like, if I don't do this hair hanging, what am I going to do in that moment?

I mean, I could have just played the song right in my mind.

I was like, no, I wanted to this was going to be a spectacular moment.

I love that you're like, I have to go above and beyond. Yeah. Especially, you know, for something. Honestly, it's like I really do think it was just so much had been taken away from so many people. And I wanted to prove to myself that, like, I can do this. And and I do totally agree with what you say. Sometimes we look online, it makes everything look like it's easy and there's a quick fix to everything, but really things that last and things that make you lastingly proud.

Like I'm so proud of this experience because it was hard.

And you're also making me realize, like I do think that like I've had a little bit of, like, trepidation in the YouTube space, like because I come from like this old school, like, traditional media thing.

And but you also people look, dude, I put on being shadow band my videos, not getting in the algorithm reviews yet because it sucks.

So but I'm just saying you're showing it like to get big on YouTube. Everyone thinks they just need to like record something and like talk about what they had for breakfast. You're like putting in, you know, incredible production quality and making I mean, this is like the show you see on MTV when I was in the 90s, like shows great stuff.

Should it, like, blows your mind? You know, like I think that a lot of people look at YouTube is like, I'll just drop this here and I'll just drop this year while I'm waiting for this is now the big thing.

Right? Like you're treating it. Absolutely.

In a way that is just like it is just so professional. And I just think that I know, but I'm just like you. Everyone I've met that's big on YouTube is a fucking pro. And they worked their ass off and they have a whole like it's not like YouTube is for people that want to just kind of have to give a shit.

Right. The ones that make it or treat it like a business and are so fucking professional.

You know, it's interesting how the culture has changed, because when YouTube first came about in those first few years, when people were first realizing, oh, my gosh, you can have a platform, an audience here, those people worked so hard, you know, and the culture of social media in the beginning was like you had to be a hustler, you know?

And it is kind of sad to me that the culture of social media is now very much like, what's the quick fix?

What's the because I'm like in the beginning, it was just a bunch of people who had been kind of rejected from a lot of other platforms and wanted to wanted to do it anyway and were resilient enough to be like, well, I go to this space and wow, you can just start doing it yourself. It was like the best talent show in the world. It was like everyone that like Hollywood didn't know what to do with doing something incredible.

And you're just like, why the fuck am I watching people act like they can do this on TV? Why don't they just watch the people to do it to me?

And then, you know, it's just so passionate people on there. It's like the people that would normally be the stunt double in the movie. Like, I want to just see them keep going.

Yeah. Now it's true. And I, I feel like the people that have lasted from that, it is just, you know, they're pros, but you also have to be a business person, you know.

I mean, like I think there's a little bit now, you know, I'm just realizing the common denominator and everybody that does really well on YouTube, like they fucking take it seriously and work their asses off and they don't have any entitlement around, like, well, this why didn't this do better?

Like, people are going to keep watching the people that have thrilled them and be. And I almost would be dazzled, I want to say dazzled them so.

Or bedazzled. I mean, why not? Please don't be dazzled.

Anyone without their consent. You know, like it's like people you have built this trust and it's just like you can't take a day off from building that trust. Like you can't just go like there's a pandemic. I'm going to stop delivering. Like you just deliver in such an amazing way. It's inspiring to me.

Well, thank you. Thank you. I love delivering my inspiring thing.

So what's wrong with you? What are your problems? Why are you so together?

Oh, gosh, I wish I you know, I don't think anyone feels like they are together, you know, like I. I do. Yeah. Oh it looks bad. I mean I'm together. Well that's good. I think we can all agree. Hundred percent. We can all agree. Yeah, I noticed I looked for validation is like really, you know, I mean, if you you do not seem like I mean, I'm as someone that just is sort of the paragon of mental health.

Yes. Oh, mental health. I feel like that is a constant battle that we all have to face. And if you know, I think by realizing that it's a constant battle, I am so much better off. Like back before I knew I had any sort of constant battle with it. Yeah, I think that I was I just didn't understand what was happening.

And, you know, I'm so grateful for the crazy experiences mentally that I've gone through because they've allowed me to, I guess, understand, like, you know, we're all constantly going through ups and downs in our brain.

And I know it's really helped me because, I mean, I went through anorexia years ago and I went through pretty severe depression. And, you know, it's something now that is a part of my life and I just know how to manage it. It does not control me. It will never control me again. But it's like now I understand you little eating disorder and I understand you depression and anxiety. And I have a much better. Really.

You're not invited here. Yeah, you're not. You're not. Well, you got better when you're alone in the basement. Yeah. Because I get to come upstairs.

It is like it's like a little friend that's unwanted, that just keeps like trying to revisit you just say no, no, you can't come in.

And I think personifying my eating disorder helped me so much like I read a book called Life Without Ed when I was, you know, kind of in the thick of it and I was trying to recover.

And it like this girl that wrote the book, she named her eating disorder and she would have like conversations with it. And so as crazy as that sounds, I started doing that and I would not crazier than the things I was doing when I had an eating disorder.

Exactly.

That's what's so amazing about so I mean, I had you know, I wrote a book about it and all that, about having eating disorders and stuff. And I remember when I was like 17 or because I would go to these, they'd send me these eating disorder experts and I would spend the whole time just lying to them and scamming them.

And I would like put like I'd wear like like extra pairs of pants to look heavier.

I used to go in before the interview because they would weigh me every time I went in and I would drink like five big giant Fiji waters and go in and get weighed.

And I was like, and they'd be like, oh, you gained six pounds. Like, I fucking had that shit down to a science, like scamming these motherfuckers.

And because your brain is like, you know, it really is in a lot of ways, you know, they say this about alcoholism or any kind of ism, like it's the disease that tells you you don't have a disease.

You know, like, you know, it doesn't it's like I don't have to explain it. It's like now when I see people with, like, disordered eating or something and I'm and I see them and I have so much love because I'm like, I thought I was getting away with it, too, you know what I mean?

Like, I had a whole system where I thought I had, like, you know, my napkin and I would like tap the oil off the vegetable at the restaurant and then the bread and the purse.

And I, like, truly thought I was getting away with it. Like, that's how, you know, these kind of addictions, like they make you so dysmorphic about what other people can even perceive, you know what I mean? Like. Right.

Well, you don't even realize that the real person that's being fooled is. Yes. And that, like, you're lying to yourself constantly and believing the lies and believing it.

And they don't seem like lies like it's like, yeah, it's so hard. I have other family members that, you know, deal with it, but. Yeah.

And then and then I was watching an interview with you and I relate it so much in like you just put it in the words that I, I feel like I never was able to find elegant words for like how you would sort of kind of trick yourself in by by convincing yourself what you were doing was super healthy.

Oh, absolutely. I was like, I'm vegan now and I'm not eating meat or sugar or dairy exercise all the time. Nothing, which means nothing. Real food.

I'm like, I don't eat dairy, carbs, protein like fat, rice, anything. And it was all like, well, I'm just healthy, you guys. Yeah.

And these taking care of my body and and I'm exercising a ton. Yeah.

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Let's move on one thing at the store and I can get snacks, drinks and household essentials in thirty minutes. I know daughter Emily.

Did you learn anything I don't know about you. I don't forget things sometimes.

Oh yeah, that's right. Because you have an assistant. You sometimes I go through a drive through and then I think I should've got more chicken nuggets and then I used Jordache to bring them to me.

So I don't embarrass myself by going back around like, hey, can I get for more.

There's always six. But I wanted to I used to go by all the sweetness of chocolates from a grocery store and I'd be so embarrassed that I would come back and like a hat the next day and like, crazy makeup should have come back like lederhosen. Yeah.

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I think that China Cheesecake Factory, let's really quick stop, let's go around and say this saddest stewardess purchase. I think that a heating pad I've done I've done like. Like two avocado's before. Oh, yeah, they do, like I've just dash someone to talk to you. Oh, pregnancy test is probably the I've definitely done that. Plan B. Cheese.

No, I ordered my plan B and I ordered Cheeseman's once. Just one can.

That sounds like a fucking fun night.

You weren't there. That's right. You're right. You're right. So it was it was just wizzy for a bit of time.

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We really, really we're just talking to them too much, way too long, because we're going to start having our cast dinners are like dinners for motion picture.

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Like that was incredible, wasn't am I?

I don't know. Should I do this for a living?

I've been taking virtual vitamins for years, like like since two years before this podcast. And this is for three years.

Yeah. If you're not if you're not watching, I'm about to hurt myself, don't try this at home. Yeah. Oh. Oh, wow. Oh, are you like what. Now what?

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But first, I'm going to try to throw this in Emily's mouth. And first of all, the ritual. They look like mini lava lambs. Look, look how they turn over and what.

Oh, yeah, that's fine. They like caviar. Yeah, I literally had my tongue out of my mouth for five minutes. Anybody you're looking for, is that different than normal here? OK, right now you're looking for a really.

OK, that is you after falling the other day, I have a Band-Aid on my head. OK, are you not hurt.

OK, I'm going to describe this for listeners. We thought that was a horrible picking up another ritual. Vandeman, when you're holding it, she's throwing it aggressive. Oh, she got it.

Is it a Mindy? Oh my gosh it is love. It loves us. Thanks, Ridgewell.

I was thinking about you because I was watching your interview and you don't know the same. Don't think. But Nick remembers when I was only eight carrots and barbecue sauce for like two years.

Did you turn orange? I'm sorry, I turned orange. I did the same thing. I was also had an addiction to bad self tanner at the time, so I don't think I would have known.

Oh yeah, because if you eat too many carrots, you'll turn orange. I was a that is so funny. Yeah. Do that haven't you.

Yes. My sister was like this is my rockbottom. What is wrong with you. Like you just a slightly orange pigment. Yeah. It shows up like strongly in your hands.

She was rubbing my hands at church and she goes what did you get out of your hands? And I was like, but you know, to tell her like, God, God is coming for me. I've been punished.

She's a plague, a curse in the church, of all places to notice something like, oh, shit, I just like I mean, I think I look back at like how much time I lost.

I look back at like how much I wish I had talked about it sooner, like publicly because I felt all this guilt because I was like on a TV show and I was like, like my thighs like didn't touch like I was just so impressive.

I don't know how everyone talks about the Figo, but I am not possible. I, I have to be honest with you.

I am the Lindsey Stirling of manorexia. So yeah, I think I was just a little better out of the new shoot. Don't be silly Abdulbaset.

You're very talented. A lot of things that just wasn't very good at being. Yeah, I'll tell you. Sorry, it's. Oh God doesn't give with both. Oh my gosh. But it is.

Yeah. It's just like such a it's I just think it's like the fact that I don't talk about it more I even feel shame about because I think for the longest time I was like I lived through it. I don't want to have to be the spokesperson for it. And I don't have to talk about eating disorders or disordered eating because that's the way is that it's kept popping up in other ways. For me, you know, it's like whack a mole where it's like, oh, my gosh, yes.

It manifested itself in so many different areas.

And it comes from that like perfectionism side of like probably our personalities. And I remember, like, you know, it started with food. And then one time I remember I was treating sleep like an eating disorder.

I was like, did you do the same thing? Like, I just got if you were supposed to get eight hours, I would only allow myself.

I was just everything you speak of because I don't sleep at night. Yes, I see what you mean. It's the self deprivation.

I just kept cutting back until I just wasn't sleeping because I just had to prove that I like the same way. It's like calories, like cutting down. It was I don't know, and I've done it multiple in different areas.

So it's like that's that's a big thing of like when you get into recovery and it's this it's such a miracle because you're like, oh like because I think also it's like when you realize other people are doing it, it's not a special. And it's also like, oh, there's a relief because so much of it is the isolation. So much of it is the, you know, isolated. No one has to see any of this. And I can, like, live in my no one's going to challenge my delusions.

And you don't realize how isolated you got. I mean, I think I would all through college, I didn't have friends. I was like in my room eating dried mangos, like counting them. Like, I was like it was my best friend. It was my life.

Well, it's because eating disorders are so isolating, because so many social activities revolve around that.

And so it's like friends invite you out for dinner and you're just like, well, I would always be surprised. How could I possibly hide that? I actually have like a theory that I, like, subconsciously got into stand up and working at night.

So I had an excuse to be like, well, I'm just I can only stop by for thirty minutes. Yeah. No one already ate. I always already are on the way.

It is interesting how there were all these little like premeditated plans. And when you have those kind of premeditated plans all the time, you realize like. You've lost all the capacity to do anything else because you're so focused on that, and only that that's why relationships can't be genuine and real, because when you're having a conversation in the back of your mind, you're actually thinking about your next plan and about the next.

So like nothing was happening.

I would go I put everything I ate for the day on a plate or be like, imagine like, yeah, counting. This is how much I've done. This is how much I can eat exactly.

Like, I can't see here very much longer because I got to get home so I can run or I need to have sex. Either you have sex so I can burn calories, I need to leave. It's always revolved around food and exercise. Exactly. And it was always like dates were always like hikes that say, well, you know, like I was just like it really did. And you're also.

Yeah, you're driving such a wedge in your relationships, which is so tricky and like but I do think for people like us that have that thing like that, you know, and after being in recovery for, you know, various addictions for so long, like it's here's the good news.

Like when you come out on the other side, the thing that made you so good at that maladaptive behavior.

Dude, if you can just reroute the inner refocus of most of the most brilliant people I know, the most successful people I know have struggled with this in some capacity.

Do not I mean, and ultimately part of the adversity is part of why they're such great artists.

But it's like the brains that make us do those things are also the brain that makes you do what you're doing on my screen right now, hanging up.

You know what I mean? It's like it's so I just I always I always want to tell people like, oh, my God, you had to undertreatment for this. Congratulations are going to be so successful because you have the brain wiring. I mean, like if we put because that's what I was taught.

I was like, if I put all the energy I'm putting into, like counting calories and going to five different grocery stores and like secretly ordering this fucking crispbread from Germany that has no calories. I mean, I was like ordering like I was like ordering crazy shit. I put so much. It was a full time job. Absolutely.

Like, if I put as much work into this thing that's ruining my life into something that could be good for my life, like imagine how good it would be. Right.

You know, and anybody that is struggling with any sort of like mental illness, whether it's anorexia or anxiety or like anything that feels debilitating, I just always love to say that there is so much hope, you know, like what you're saying.

There is recovery and it's so worth it.

And I've been here now with the Internet. You can reach out to people and have fellowship. Yeah.

And like more than anything, I remember just finally having to admit to myself that it was worth it because at first it sort of felt so protected and it felt like everything you had and.

Yeah, you know, but you have to finally admit to yourself or learn in your own way that, like, this has stolen everything from me and it is not worth it.

It is we delude or it's like you're deluding yourself, but it's also not conscious. So I think it's important that people know it's like you're lying to yourself. Like no one wakes up and said, I'm going to lie to myself. It's not it's totally unconscious. And it's like, you know, I think it's important that people understand that with something like eating disorders, it's like it's never a moral failing.

It's never a active choice. A lot of the shit is inherited an ancestral trauma or from something to happen, you could have not been your parents or it's just your personality. And that's how it came together. Like it doesn't you know, it's like some people, you know, are drinking. Some people are throwing up, some people are star. Everyone's got a thing.

Right. And the the reason you think you're alone and having your thing is because you're alone, because you're isolating yourself. Right.

That's where we get that idea that we're alive and talked about it because we've all isolated alone and no one's going, hey, do you want a chance to eat like 40 carrots at a barbecue?

And most of them will go, No, but I've have had forty five cauliflower in a weird smoothie, you know what I mean?

Everyone's got their thing. It's just that we're all so ashamed of it that we don't talk about it. So that's why we think we're the only ones that have the thing to say.

Absolutely. I remember when I went to a group therapy that was like one of the most helpful things. Amazing as I sat in this room with all these girls.

Nothing worse until it starts.

It's funny to think about, like, what was it that was so comforting about this? I think it was controlled me the I know what's going to happen. I know what's going to happen tomorrow. It's like, yeah, it's that it's this control thing. And, you know, it's funny because you think, you know that they're doing it to be like happier.

But I've never been more unhappy than when I was trapped in there. I've never been skinnier than I was then, but I've never thought I was uglier. You know, it's like everything that you did it for.

Yeah. You know, or that I did it for. Yeah. Actually, I've never felt worse about all those things that I did it for.

I never felt like I was fatter. I never felt like I was uglier, you know. And yet here I was.

It's its own drug. Absolutely.

I mean, I always think of it as an addiction for sure. It's just an addiction to like an aversion. And yes.

And no one that's in active addiction, like, you know, we say basically an addiction is defined, like when you stop having fun, when it stops being fun and starts being an obligation.

So we all know people who have gone through a thing when you're like, I don't want to drink this fog habit.

I just six o'clock and I guess I just have to or else I'm going like, it's just becomes an obligation after a while. Absolutely. Or it's like it's when you stop controlling it and it starts to control you.

But it is amazing how as soon as I felt like I was out of the woods, I still say I have disordered eating, you know, because you're never, you know, I never know. Like, if something traumatic happens or someone gets sick in my family or something bad happens there. I am drinking four Diet Cokes in a row.

I will go back to that like very quick. Then I'll go like, oh, what am I doing? What do I know? But I'm like, that was while that was great, I just love, like diet soda, diet, Sunkist, like sugar free candies, like all the things that I used to go there, like my little comfort blanket, I'll just like go.

But it is amazing how like as soon as I was out of it it took me twenty whatever years that it.

Control my life, and then when I see people now cut that don't do that like like, you know what it was like and you know how no one could tell you shit, right.

But when you're out of it, you just want other people to be out of it so bad that you're just like, hey, go to this person who's my therapist.

And then I'm just like, I need to let you have the dignity of your own experience.

Absolutely. And it really is just like, oh, I just look back at my old self and I'm like so grateful that I was able to find the resources I found and get through it because it's like that.

Like I never would have been happy.

I never would have been able to do what I've done with my career if I was still, like, trapped in this, like, you know, if all my energy was going into that, all my energy and I mean all my energy.

Yeah. I don't think people understand how all consuming it is.

That irony, they say. Yeah, absolutely.

And what's going on? Are you dating someone? I am not. I am single in this global pandemic, but I have a great roommate.

Oh that's it. Yeah. I bet his life is awesome. Just you hanging from ceilings all the time just like, oh, you're on with the paramedics like oh no, we're good.

I'll try in a couple of minutes.

So just wondering if you're going to fall to your death from the gymnasium, right. Yeah, no, but I will say I've gotten to spend a lot of time with my family in the last couple of months, which has been so nice, like more so than ever before since like leaving home. So that's been a positive.

But yes, I am so single right now and I don't think last year should count on my. No, it doesn't count on your scorecard last year. Nope. I'm still the same age as I was last year. Count on your age either.

Exactly. That's what I'm saying.

But what do you how would you I mean, I, I do think like you can't go and you're too famous don't apps.

I actually tried for a second and it was so strange.

People would be like, we know where you live. It's like, oh, this is just so awkward like that.

Not only that, because because first of all, what you're doing when you do that is you're shaming me and making me feel like like what are you doing on here?

What are you doing out here? Let's say the wrong doing or I'll show you the files I'm going to break up with in seven months acrimoniously. What do you mean what am I doing?

Like, yeah, people think that that famous people, like, have a matchmaker in their house or something like how do you how do we meet people? It's actually harder to be gentler.

It's when they shame you for being too famous, for being on the app. You're just like, fuck you man.

That's what I wrote back. And then. Seeing him tonight and then but I do think I don't know, Rya, you should get on maybe. Yeah you're on right.

No is the one that's Hollywood guys in Phoenix and fake photographers and man, why do you love a bun.

I do like you guys can hang from buns together. Let me teach you something.

It is like first date. So are you. So when was your last relationship. Well it ended last week.

I was going to go. We sure we can go. You know what? Oh, no, no, sorry. It ended three weeks ago, but then it officially ended like that.

Sorry, she's she's dating my daughter and she's really OK. She's like she's like, yes. I feel a very inspiring song being written tonight.

A lot of good songs coming your way. Yes. Yeah.

So you don't have to talk about it though. It's OK. You can if you want to stop.

Oh yeah. That's intense. I know. Yeah. None of my fans even knew I was dating anyone so they're all going to be like. Do you think they need that?

I wonder though with people like you if like part of it is like they are in love with you and if they find out, are they going to be like, she's cheated on me?

You know? I mean, I feel like you probably have a lot of fans. I stay here with them. Yes. Yes. I just I do get a feeling that you have many husbands.

Yes.

I sometimes get letters to like my wife, Lindsay, you know, so. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know you, but I can't find anyone to date me.

You're in a full polyamorous Mormon relationship that you don't know nothing about.

I have no idea. But but no. Usually, by the way, that's my I like I do like we get people that are like think we're married to them and stuff like that.

And like when one of those people well, when I was there whenever like someone in comments is like, you're going to die alone, I'm like, I will have, you know, about five people in the Pensacola show penitentiary think I'm my wife.

That's true. You did used to get a lot of mail to your home. I would throw them away because I don't want to deal with it. And I didn't want her to be scared. But like people would write letters from penitentiaries to your old address.

Yeah, I remember your home. Yeah. So the person who currently lives there. Good luck. I know I always feel like if you move to a different I usually tell people like you just, you know, creepy packages arrive.

Everyone a lot of people from Alcatraz have this address.

So maybe just put it on like a ring of security.

Yeah, a lot of people want to kill me and they might think you're me. So if you could just not dye your hair blue.

But, you know, I remember I'm trying to think, no, I used to do this for the longest time of people said, when you take Goober's, you should never have them drop you off in front of your house. Right.

So then I'd have them drop me off down the street at someone else's house and like a couple.

And then I was like, wait, now if I'm just rerouting the creeps to this other my neighbor Angela, who I like, but I really I'm so sorry. But, you know, hopefully they'll just see it's not you and they won't kill you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want to go to jail for killing someone else.

There are their sights are set on me so I'm sure they'll be fine. So stupid.

But do you. You can't yet, it's too soon is too soon. Yes. How long was it? We dated for almost a year. Yeah. Yeah. So too soon. Hmm. Pandemic. I think you need to talk about your relationship, though, public.

I mean, on this podcast. Yes, you can. I just mean it doesn't have to be something you talk about.

I mean I mean, I've always like I said, I dated him for a year and I was kind of getting to that point where, like, thank heavens like but I was about to be like, hey, you know, I'm ready for this. But a lot of times it's just like that's kind of the one thing I keep personal in my life I share.

So you should with my fans and I should have mine. You should. Yes, I the ship has sailed for me. I owe them everything. But you still have time.

You can still get free.

Free ideally for the guys I'm dating because they don't want to you know, they'll get really interesting messages when you know. So anyway, it's important to be there, but they're fine.

He thinks they can handle it. I don't know. Yeah, they can think so.

Maybe I've just been dating the wrong guy.

You also know what you're signing up for, so. Right.

It's like it's a little it's like, you know, that I do this for a living. Yeah. You know me. So if you want to come on, join the team here and then tell me you can't live the way you were living before. I can't. Yeah, that's not my fault. Yeah.

It's just sort of like you knew I don't know someone's going to pay for this thing. Like, I don't know. I just. I don't feel like. Yeah. I just feel like there's this. I don't know.

There's kind of this. Pressure or something? Yeah, well, I do feel like it's it is hard for us to date because it's like and I'm sure you can relate to this as well at times where it's like, I don't want to be in like this like crazy celebrity scene or anything like that. You know, I just kind of want to be a normal person, but a man who's afraid of you.

Oh, that's the trick.

I love I love breaking the fourth wall looking and there's four cameras. There's the only place there isn't a camera. I just think it's like I think I've learned a couple of things recently about relationships.

Now, this one, Bill, I mean, if I can deliver to you, mommy has been accumulating advice that she will never take for years and now she's going to share it. I heard this actually recently that I loved, which is like, how do you know you're in a good relationship? Because I never know. And I can justify anything and I can blame myself.

I'm being too sensitive. Like, I'll I'll kind of, like, tricked myself into thinking something's working more than it is, or my bar is just like so low inherently the shit that I put up with. But and I get confused because people say relationships take work and then people say it should be effortless and easy. And I just get confused.

Like, I just need someone to say something that's going to resonate with my black and white literal brain. And someone finally did, which was whatever it is, mad, sad, angry, jealous. The one thing you should never feel is confused.

Well, I think after any sort of like loss, like whether it's breakup or whatever, I think that there's always a lot of, like, self shame that goes into it of like, you know, you just blame yourself for so much and so much guilt and regret even over things that aren't even a thing.

So I think having that perspective of like, well, you know what I really gave it, you know, like looking at the positive, like what does that mean about you as a person that you were willing to end it or that you, you know, tried so many different things or you let it last so long, you know, rather than focusing on what you cannot change that it's done and done.

It's like, well, you know, don't feel yourself a shame that's going to be feeling better, you know?

And if you're if you find yourself in a relationship where you're trying to change the person or passive aggressively make comments until they change the behavior, you always secretly.

Well, also, I found that, like, you know, I don't know, sometimes after a breakup, it's like you want to find like almost now, like it was someone's fault.

But you just kind of have to realize usually, like it's nobody's fault.

It's not going to be it doesn't have to be.

And like, I think finding fault sometimes gives you like a little bit of that closure of like, OK, there was a reason for it, like, hey, you know, you always hate when there's like this open ended.

Same thing you're saying about control. Yes, I'll do it now. I need control of this. If I just have a narrative, I can move. Exactly.

I can understand it if it's not true, false sense of, you know, I'd want to just blame, like in whether you're like, well, it was my fault or it was their fault, like whatever it is.

But I'm like just in this whole situation I'm going through, I kept trying to find closure and understand and clarity and fault, whether it was me or him.

But finally I was like, well, this isn't either of our faults. It doesn't have to be. Most people genuinely are always doing the best they can with what they had that is so big, like I think most people don't know.

And like everything, whether it's like someone treated you badly in business or this, like it doesn't mean they didn't do something wrong. But most of the time, people are most people doing the best they can.

I don't think anyone wakes up, I don't think, except like a few people. Like Ted Bundy. Yeah.

And murders. What are you what did you want? You wanted the water? Oh, no, I looked over there. No, no. Oh, she was looking at the exit.

She was. That's the sign she gives her manager when she wants to leave. There's like a little like a fixer. Why do you fix your hair? So much emotion in her purse.

OK, this is like a whole process you guys worked out. No, you were on you live here now.

But I I'm just I'm fascinated by that because my big thing, because I do this thing and I'm where I do, I'm going to make you do it right now.

Well, well, write down what you want. You're going to take this with you. So anyone who's not in a relationship and wants to be in one or whatever is between it is so important you do this. OK, so I read about this in my book and one of the chapters about like how you write down what you want.

Wait here. I have this list of yours, Whitney, from like ten years.

Must would be nice. Oh, nice. And red flags. When you meet someone then you just turn to your list so that your emotion in your heart is it or aren't making the decisions. Your brain is making the decisions I like.

It actually helped me so much just writing out what I wanted and what I didn't want. And then when the person appeared I was like, oh yeah, no, no, you're the guy, you know, you fit all these things great.

Like you're not left to your own devices when you're already attracted to someone. Are already into someone. Yeah.

Already have all the then you're blind, then you're blind and you're flying without your cockpit and then. Oh dear.

That came out really I. All the time that I like oh, no, I like by accident. How did she just say the dirtiest thing on this podcast?

Dale Completely. I feel like I'm probably doing very good. You Coke, orange, red, like the.

Actually, I'm sorry, but did you eat too many beets this morning?

OK, we're going to do this. Must you must. These are non negotiable.

So when this person comes to you and you go, he's really handsome. I don't really need that thing. This is non-negotiable.

No matter how handsome, no matter how big his voluptuous man bun, no matter how deep his V-neck must be, Nick must sense of humor, humor, sense of humor.

OK, but no comedians I'm putting out as red flags. Comedian, comedian is going on the list. Is this sense of humor.

Ha ha ha. Yeah. So she can laugh at you like that. Yeah. She laughs ha ha ha.

I would say good work ethic. Good work ethic. Wants a family. How about this. I'm going to get real. Yes. Wants family has a good work ethic and appreciates and is patient with my mind.

Yes. Whitney actually doesn't need you here for this, she'll just do it. No, no, I got it. I got it. I'm going to head out ISIS, but I'll fax this. Fuck. Fuck you for dragging me into a bit.

That made me look old patient with my work ethic. That's the thing you need. That is something definitely I need.

OK, likes dogs. We'll sleep dogs. Yeah. That was like no dog in the bed. Dog of the bed. Some guys are weird about that. Yeah, some guys won't even let dogs in the bed when you're having sex. It's so weird. Kidding. That is like my no dogs are not allowed in the bed during sex. They're not allowed. They go out.

My kids will never see me that way. The bed like I can't let my dog see me being disrespectful.

I'll lose my alpha status. See Mommy crying. Yeah, yeah. They just care. Lose respect for their mom dog in the bed.

What about I talking. Do you want them to go on tour with you. Yeah. You have to like that. Well that's true. Flex the flexible tour schedule. So could come sometimes but not always. Yes. We'll come visit me on tour. Can hang out if they want. Yes. It's fine if I'm gone and also is working go with it.

You have to get very granular. OK, this is the whole thing because I want a guy who's like nice and this.

But that's not everyone is nice sometimes and everyone's funny sometimes. It's like yes, I'm telling you this works as someone who made horrible decisions most of their life.

This after having this like everything fell into place. My relationship, life. OK, what was the other thing? You were just flexible with tour.

I would say I love someone. You can tell a good story.

Huh? Like, I don't know, a good story. OK, well, like that someone that makes I love that.

Like when people need to make other people feel good about themselves.

Well, that was about, say, like this also should be a person that gets along well with others and doesn't need you to babysit them. Yes. Big thing doesn't need the babysitter.

Like, what would you say that how do we say that in a way that's not negative self sufficient? Yeah, that's with himself and her like like the dude I'm with. Like at a party. At a party. I can leave them. I mean, it's rude. I'll leave them for like three hours. She's like made friends with everyone. Like he doesn't need me there. I'm saying even if I don't even introduce them to the people, they don't even know he's with me.

Like he has to do all the work for himself and he's fine and he fucking is so good at it.

And I didn't even realize how much I needed that to go in public with people that I'm dating, that I don't have to take care of them or think about their needs or be like, are you OK?

Are you like right. Can introduce himself to new people or whatever. Like it's something that.

Yes, socially independent. Socially independent, I'm sure.

But the Penbrook I don't know if that's a bad omen.

Oh no, it's OK. It's fine. It's fine. Adversity is good self.

I mean, there are some people that said God believes this is all you deserve. I'm sorry. And that is the end of it. I mean, to get red flag, you know, except for not a comedian, the only.

What, a comedian. Yes, ragbag comedian. OK, we also can come back as you're thinking forward because then Red Flag is an absolutely no like absolutely no.

Someone who, you know, is for example, for me, jealous is a big one.

I think jealousy is very hot, but I've so many platonic friends that I've been in relationships where they're just like or I don't know if you have lots of, you know, men on your crew and you like for sure if me being around a lot of men is going to bother you, like, I just not not a good choice.

Don't add to cart save for later. When you're more secure with yourself, go to therapy and circle back there.

That's a good one. Not jealous. Not jealous. For people that are making lists along with us, which I expect you guys to post them and tag me and I will replace them.

It's also so important just getting your life we do with our careers, but we don't do personal life. We go, I want this by 30. I want I want to perform on the VMAs and the Grammys and I want this award and I want this. You probably don't want any of it, but you got all of it.

Oh, no. I mean, my God, I say most people have to set goals. You are just like but yeah. Like you in personal.

If we don't do that, we don't do like I want this kind of person.

And this I read a book called The Soul Mate Secret, I think. Do you did you recommend it to me? Yeah, Adina recommended it to me. It's really good.

And for anyone out there who is finding themselves in the spot of, like, wanting a relationship, that's basically kind of like the book The Secret, but it's like tying it all into relationships and like kind of like what you're saying, the same way we set goals and vision boards and visualize our futures in our careers.

I mean, I think do agree that my system's a little more organized and just more thorough than meets the book.

Well, then I'll see you for I mean.

I'll see you in court. I mean, it's mighty good to do less. I don't think it's like a patented thing, but would be nice is very important. This is a column must is absolutely not.

No matter how hot they are, no matter how sexy they are, no matter how whatever how much they recreate my childhood circumstances and they make me feel like my mom and my dad combined and recreate it's just like the answer's no would be nice. Let's get to this is important, OK?

It would be nice if he had if he understood the industry a little bit.

Just so this is huge.

Oh, you are so fucking far ahead in this, because the fact that, you know, that I didn't learn till I was 30 is literally a year ago. You want because we tend to go.

I don't want anyone in my field. I don't want to date anyone in my field. But if they don't know anything about it, they can't empathize with with your problems that sometimes seem like Braggs.

Right. But it is true that it's a good point, but it is a real problem. Yeah. Yes. No, absolutely.

And I feel like that's time and time again been like, oh, I can't understand any any job. When you come home and you complain about something happy, you work today and they're just like, what's the big deal? And you're like, OK, I needed someone that had some sympathy for my circumstances. Yeah, yeah.

Just a little understanding. Yes, it would be nice. A little long way. Yes. Yes. Or and also, dare I say, a willingness to learn. Absolutely. I feel like that's an a must you tell me.

I'm sure that this is your husband. OK, willingness to course. Correct learn. I know I have to get you out of here, but we have to finish this. We can't not we can't let your husband just he can't just be floating.

You can't just be on this earth and we don't know where he is. He doesn't even know where you are. So we have to connect you to let fate understood industry.

OK, that's would be nice. What? Let me read mine or give it to her. She can read mine. Obviously, it's just funny that she's trying to chime in here like I know.

I don't know. No, no know.

This is really I take this shit very seriously and like every woman I know has had to sit through this with me, OK? And their lives are much better now.

Likes games, not emotional games, board games, x games.

Wow. A lot out of Lucy on this path.

Well, sorry, like game night, like board games. It's so much kinkier than a sex game like full. Who's afraid of Virginia Woolf. We're playing Scrabble game night.

Like what games.

Oh, like strategy games. I'm such a nerd. Like like duck. Duck, goose. Oh no. Like like a board game like like or Scrabble or cerebral games.

Yes. Yes. So smart card game. So this person needs to be cerebral. I'm putting that in.

Must OK because you're a smarty pants game. Game night. OK, game night brain games.

I know a lot of guys. It would be like game night. Awesome. What are we doing? And then you're like great great games. I'm like, yeah, that's why you like poker.

Yeah, I'm in the.

It would be nice to be specific about what kind of games you're playing. A lot of guys cannot play Scrabble. They got a lot of guys I've dated can't make one word shoot.

So yes, you need to smarty pants. That's good. Let's see. Can you read my must. So now Lindsay has my red flag list. OK, let's see. Oh sorry. This is musts.

What is passport the. Must you have some good ones here. Oh no. What else from us. Oh no that's good Hygenic.

Well you have to get very like this. I have to tell the universe exactly what you want. You can't be vague.

Not a what is that. Not a. I'm curious.

I'm like how have good handwriting. What does this does. It doesn't go to music festivals.

OK, incredible.

I just was at this point where it's like every guy who's ever dating would like go to some music festival for a week and cheat on me. And I was like, no more music festivals not allowed. You're going to cheat on me. It's going to be with a hooker in private and no one is going to put in town.

Yeah, in town where I can find you not in the dust helps me grow self-aware. Where did not a comedian.

That's in my musts. I think that's what you saw enough. By the way, how about this. How about this.

This is my favorite part of my list that I just noticed on the fourth one down is self aware and then about being oh total about is self aware.

That was really important. In case you forgot Univers for the least self aware person on the planet, not a narcissist gives good advice. That's important. That's a good one. I got to be honest with you, I didn't even realize that and I didn't realize why that was so.

Until I just reread it, because when you're in a relationship and you have lots of big decisions you have to make, which you really do, and you don't go to your person and you go to someone outside the relationship, you're getting emotional support from someone outside and you start to build this narrative of the person doesn't understand me.

This person can't, you know, like like if you have a problem, if you don't tell the person, you start investing emotionally in other people and it just drives a wedge and it's super fucked up. I didn't realize that until this relationship.

Very, very insightful. Very wise. It's important.

Yes. Yeah, OK. I mean, it was advice I took.

You have to take it, but you have to take advice from your person and you have it on the left. There's a great Yeah. Put on the list and then the the book committed by Elizabeth Gilbert has a really great I love Elizabeth Gilbert book.

Yes. Committed. She talks about what marriage means in every culture and like how it originated and stuff like that. And she talks about how you have to close the doors in the windows if you're in a relationship. That's what she calls it. Like when you're at work, you can't emotionally invest in everyone at work. Are you getting hungry or tired? No, I'm looking at you. I'm, like, worried. Your blood sugar is starting to go.

I've got my my fruit infused. That will last you another five minutes. Yes, I'm good. But so you close the doors and windows so that you don't like.

Look, when something exciting happens at work, like in your work, probably so such long days sometimes when you're shooting and like something happens to me like tell this person, you tell this person by the time you get home to your partner, they're like, how's your day? I know it. Good. What else? Like you've already talked about it too many times.

Or you've you don't feel the need to invest it with them, so you don't. And then they just start knowing you less and less and you start bonding with the people you're working with more and more. And then that we have emotional affairs.

Yes. She's like, I never had this problem, but I guess I'll just pretend I have.

Yes. So you feel better about your family? No, I think that everyone I mean, honestly, when I'm on tour.

Yeah, my tours. Like my family. Like at this. Yeah. You know, I see them much more as brothers.

But I know that when I've dated people, when I'm touring a lot, it's really hard for them to see that there's those very you know, those relationships that are very much like we're so close.

And I think that it's important that when when a guy does that in some way, it's his way of saying, I can't imagine anyone wouldn't fall in love with you because I'm so in love with you. I can't imagine any one else wouldn't give anything. That's sweet.

That is a very you have such sweet perspectives on so many things. Thanks.

Yeah. You're like like because they just can't imagine. I love the Prozac is kicking back in.

I think I'm out of mine. I need to take something. Oh I have some extra. I need it.

OK, that's what you have it. Right. Honestly I'm going to give you some of my Prozac. I would love for the good cop to show up in my house and be like I heard you gave someone in your office one of your Prozac.

You're like, you wouldn't want to work with her either if she wasn't on Prozac, you know? Oh, yeah. Hey, Officer, don't we have bigger problems?

Like, I feel like this other shit like that slides do.

I mean, with everything that's going on, it's like how they let the parking violations go for a while, you know, looks like a bigger fish to fry to get to that at some point, like we need to.

Prozac is in the same category as my sister.

She started this thing that made me really think she was like, did you realize that so often whenever I make a little tiny mistake, like you spilled the soda, you know, it's like you immediately go to I'm so stupid.

Like, I can't believe I did that. Or of course, this is what happened to me.

You build this narrative that you're the only person that has in the only person that, like, forgets things like like no one's ever done that for.

So she started this habit of like saying out loud, whoopsie, like when she does something and she's like, it's a whoopsie moment. And that way reminds me that, like, that's all it is.

Poopsie, that's something happened and I spilled the coke. I forgot that. Or like that's gravity's fault. That's not your fault. That's a gravity thing. But there's I think for me every little thing that I did, I used to take as an opportunity to beat myself up. Yeah. Emotional cutting.

And it was just sort of like I did that. I did that. It's like you made the choice.

I made a choice to hurt myself just now. Stop and think, is it the end of the world? Do I have to beat myself up for this? No.

And do I want to live?

So why it's so why where did I get that messaging? Where did I think when did this work?

Because it's not working now, but it probably did work at some point when I did make myself smaller to make someone feel what I like now.

It's like it just doesn't work anymore. Observe me, drop it because it just didn't serve you anymore. Absolutely. If it serves you lock yourself out, OK, would be nice.

No, but it's fascinating to when you learn a lot about yourself when you're making this list. Yeah. The way your brain works, the way you go from bad to good instead of like something in between that I could live without.

I'm not like that. I'm a very fucking like it. You're in or you're out. Yeah. You you're good or you're bad like.

And then I'm like, oh no. There are things that I could be great. But if he doesn't have them that's. I do, yeah, my brain doesn't work in that space, the grey yeah, the grey areas hard, OK, likes to eat kind of healthy. That's a eat kind of healthy. That's good. And then, by the way, I don't need a health nut, but just like I don't want to be in and out every day.

Detector, like knows about music, knows about the materialistic. I'm not a materialistic person.

You aren't.

But what I will say is that, you know, when someone has like material things like an apartment and a cart, that does mean they work hard and they save their money and they're responsible.

Yes. As long as they're not super materialistic, if they have nice. So fine. So, OK, this is interesting.

So you're making me realize a must could be financially independent and a red flag could be materialistic. Yeah. Dude, I'm saying there's a difference. Yes.

I do not. Yeah. Materialistic. Bad, self-sufficient.

Good. Fair, yes. Isn't that what we put on your list twice. Yeah.

Oh no. I was self aware that was on yours twice.

I think we should look at it. That doesn't mean you don't have to be any of these things. He just has to be these things. Your partner has to be these things.

You're allowed to have a double standard. Yeah. Don't worry.

Shoot for the stars later. Yeah. Yeah. This person doesn't have to be as terrible as I am. I have to be better. OK, so would be nice.

We still can and must. You have lots of musts, not a lot of red flags. We need more red flags.

OK, these are things that you'd fucking U-turn when you hear about them or see them like rude to waitstaff.

What we're just giving the the inmates like a blueprint of what to write in their next letter to Lindsay.

Oh my God. You're right. It's red flags.

Also added, I think Jealous is a really good one. Jealous is a really good one. What about like. Talks about girlfriends on a first date, I mean, that's not like a hard and fast rule, but like rude to wait waitstaff is a big one for me. Yeah, that's a. Because here's the other thing, this is great, because you'll say something and then you can talk to it with someone and realize that it's actually your problem.

So I'll say, you know, like, I don't want this.

And then I'm like, well, that's just me being like, what's the word?

Judgmental and a perfectionist and possibly, like, impossibly high expectations for somebody.

Yeah. And if whatever you put on here, you should also be able to deliver on it, saying it.

We can't show the stars. I mean, I agree with that as I'm talking through it. I'm like because it also makes you go, well, I need to work on the.

Yeah, yeah. You know what? Because that. Would you date you.

Yeah, exactly. Got to be on live with yourself.

If your soulmate is writing stuff down, what do you live up to. All their things.

You know, because we all walk around assuming we're perfect and nothing else. You know, there's sometimes it's like I want that.

You know what if I want to track that, I need to be less shitty in that department.

Pessimistic? Yeah. Yes. So we are never dating.

I got I got it loud. Loud. I hear what I hear about you.

Pessimistic, just like negative, overly overly negative or in the wrong room of the. We'll see red, it's a red flag if they don't have a good relationship with their family. Huge. We had it, we're not dating your red flags are pulled up in the book, OK, because I had a dozen talks. Shit about mothers, OK, Red Flag Day drinking ego problem. Oh, dear. Same day plans gives me adrenaline that they make same day plans with, you know, same day plans.

Oh, is a boundary of these red flags for your.

Well there's no end up advice for Emily. Oh that's what this chapter is. No, it was when I was in recovery for love addiction. A big thing that they do in sex and love addiction is they'll set like a bottom line of what doesn't work. So same day plans a lot of times is like you end up if if the person you're into reaches out at six and you have a dinner plan with your friend at seven, you'll be like, I'll just cancel it, I'll go.

And then you're destroying all your relationships and being a flake to drop for this one person, you know, and the person you should be really with should be like, hey, I'd like to see you on Wednesday.

You know, they can schedule ahead of time. So I tell if I'm dating, it's on Sunday. You can make a plan for the week. If you don't, you don't see me. And if you're OK with that, then you don't want to date me.

Oh, I can't. Oh, I know. Yeah, no.

Same day plans.

I'm too old to have that standard unless you're like unless the person has already shown that they can show up for you and we'll invest in you and is responsible if now he's like hey do you want to go for a hike later. I'm like of course.

But like from the beginning you want to be courted a little bit. Show me that you can put something in your calendar and show up.

When you say you're gonna stick to a commitment. Let me just see that. Let me just see it like two or three times and then we can get casual into what are you doing in an hour?

You know what I mean? Absolutely.

That's a good point. Yes, but we're on social media for work. If you're just scrolling over like lingerie models all day, it's weird if it's your job and you're on it all day because it's part of your job.

But when you're just like scrolling, I'm good.

It Rudy, wait. Staff red flags. Oh, yeah. Tells me to relax. Oh, dark. I wrote dark web.

Not falling for that again. Yeah. That's a huge rally. What do you think. It's written in the side. It's like an afterthought. Like squealing.

I like no I do have lives in another city because I was dating long distance and I will be in a half in half out relationship to avoid your intimacy any day of the week. So I had to put that down for myself.

So are the red flags non negotiable no's? Yes. Or are they OK? If you have any of these things, you do not move forward with me. Oh, I do not text you back like we're done. I'm not spending any of my life on this.

It's not so close. Let's date and we'll get you to where I need you to be. Yeah. It's like, no, no, no.

These are just for me. Yeah. If you these you can take any back that you want. These are just things that kept on jacking up my life as TDRS, you know.

I mean if it's treatable by the way. Yeah.

As if they'd ever tell you so honesty. So honesty. Honesty about OCD. I should have done that one day. No wonder I said to be specific by the way.

Litterbug. Oh not litterbugs.

Later litterbug is littering. Dude, I'm telling, I'm telling you, I thought I would fall out of love with someone so fast and I know that psychotic. Yeah.

Masago I was madly in love with someone engaged and they like threw a can out the window of a moving car.

I'd be like, I'm calling the police on you and I'm done.

Like I it drives me nuts when people. Laeter Yeah.

You know, what's so funny is one of the things that I remember was like a random red flag that I wouldn't have thought would have bugged me so much.

But like, I was on a date with a guy and, you know, when there's, like the lane that's running out and, you know, it's running out and the jerky cars past the line.

Yes. And like everybody else is getting over, they wait to merge till the last second. They cut someone off. Well, like we were going down this road and that was happening. And I was like, hey, we got to get over like, you know, I didn't know if he knew my area and the lane ran out and he didn't get over. And he's like, no, no, no. It's like he's like it's not against the law.

I'm just, you know, and literally I know again, I was like, I can't handle this. Like, he has no respect for other people's time or or in that moment.

Here's my thing. Even if you do like. Don't do it on the date with me, do it when I'm not in the car, right to not go like I'm going to pretend I don't do this thing because it clearly bothers to not even like. Yeah, pretend like you can deal with. I know you didn't like it, but like deal with it. It's just like, dude, it's like I was like, oh this is really bothering me.

If you had. Yeah. Like even if the fact that it's bothering me should kind of just be enough for you to go, OK, I'm just not going to do this right now. Right.

I mean, yeah but I don't know why that rubbed me wrong so bad because it's so fucking rude. It's over and entitled and I'm the only person that exists. Exactly. It's like no one else matters. My times more important, even though we're not rushing to go anywhere, I've done it before when you're like, I'm going to miss my flight.

And this, you know, the only time I really yes, I do it then. But when I have a sick or very badly injured animal in the car, right.

There's my said and everyone's like, got it. No problem. But most of the time it just makes you so mad when other people do it to you and just show such a disregard.

Anyways, you just fucked up so many people's day.

Yeah. You know, I mean. Yeah. Yeah, your time's no better than all the rest of it. That's so that's such a good one. So that's a minus is a car. OK, so rude in traffic, but we're coming up on three hours.

I know, but come on, you have to be somewhere. Well, not now.

OK, so we cancelled the important things that make our money. Got it. Good. Yeah.

That concert tonight, just tell my get me know right now we're just building her presence on YouTube because it's very weak.

Red flag. Sorry, last one's actions and words are congruous.

Oh, that's very well stated.

Red flag in a band. So secretive, dishonest, dismissive, oh, yeah, those are all dismissive, is hard to see in the beginning, though.

What, you saw it.

Yeah, you don't need any of this help and I'm just giving it to you know, I'm going to go home and one study this list and then I'm going to make it I'm going to add to it.

I'll make my real one. I do it. I said I'll throw it away because I don't need one, because I'm making good decisions and I don't need a guide.

I know everybody. It's good to write down things. I'm a big believer. It's good to just remind yourself like this is a thing that six months in I needed I didn't need at the beginning when we were all like in the honeymoon phase and everything was so sexy.

But like, this is something that I realized when I'm with someone all the time bothers me.

And yeah, it's not, you know what I'm saying? Like, it's just a thing that's going to get me eventually.

It's the kind of thing that right now I can sort of turn it into being cute. Like when you're into someone you'll put up with anything. Yeah.

Communication, that's everything.

If you just communicate your best and communicate emotionally intelligent, you need all that, all that good stuff. And if I communicate the boundaries, then the sneaky thing is you have to respect them.

I know. All right. Well, I would do that. Look, I want to talk to you forever, and I know I am not allowed to.

Let me just ask you one more question, which is if you or me, is there anything you would have asked you that I missed?

I always like me in interviews.

I'm like, ask me to sing. You know what? I have a really good story for how you like. Are you ever like like I mean, I just imagine I watch interviews of people.

I feel like they get asked the same thing over and over again and they're just like, I feel I never want to do that. So there's a lot of questions. I'm like, don't ask. How about it's been asked are your fans can find the answer to another video? Like, I try to like, go, OK, your fans are like looking at photos or videos of you, probably photos too obsessively. Then they're going to stumble on this interview.

I don't want them to see the same thing. They just saw you answer. And five other videos. Jermaine. Absolutely.

I have questions you do not want to get.

What questions do I not want to get? Honestly, I'm usually pretty chill to talk about most things. I mean, my favorite is politics, obviously, and not God not. I was on too long. Yeah, of course.

Getting smart. If anyone does an interview, they're a fucking asshole. Yeah. It's like, well, to bring any of that up, so. Yeah.

No, I think I mean we talked about so many cool things that I usually never talk about.

I usually don't ever talk about relationships. So this was really fun. I'm obsessed with you. We should be friends. I think we should hang out, don't you think. Yeah. Am I allowed to be her friend from a from a branding standpoint? Are you sure this is a good idea? Yes. Let's be friends.

If I if her YouTube views start going down, you let me know and I will.

Well, we're not going to put you in my music. Great. Oh wait. Oh OK. Well then I'm Jones.

You want to just like hang out.

Not on camera I old who does that. So I'll maybe go to therapy. You're a little too well-adjusted. No I would absolutely.

And I appreciate this list. I really I'm going to go home and add to it and I'm going to tell you I'm telling I thought it was stupid when I first started making it. I thought it was ridiculous. I'm like, I know what I want and I am. And I read all these.

But it's when you get swept away by the guy who is in thirty thousand dollars but is very handsome and shaves his chest, you'll be able to refer back to that and be like, oh yeah, no.

Yeah, no. He was rude to the waiter. Nope, nope, nope.

In your logical brain just refers to that in your visceral reactions. Don't get to make your life choices.

I love that because if my heart. Could choose I'd be with the married man and say I'd be with some married guy in Guatemala. Oh, OK. So thank God for this list.

Lindsey, before we go, will you tell us about your new single?

Oh, yes, please. Oh, that's what I was supposed to say when you asked if there's anything else. I want to talk to you for three hours. Like at some point.

Can we get to why you're the worst? The reason.

OK, so just go for it and tell us. I want to hear from you now that you're at your most high and have low blood sugar and dehydrated. Now talk about the important thing. Well, I really am super excited.

We just released a new song is called Lucy Now. And this one is like I know we artists say that, like, every release is super special and we're always like, well, this one's really important.

But this song really is just there's something magical about it.

I'll say you're not a one of those artists that everyone like is like in a press junket saying what a publicist made them say. I believe everything you say. Well, thank you.

Yeah. This song is about like Lost. It's about my experience and losing my best friend and my dad.

They both passed away to cancer within a year of each other. And you know, this song, I feel like I was finally in a place to write about it and not such a dark way, you know, like there is a very beautiful, optimistic feel to this song.

So for anybody that's lost anything, whether it's like, you know, lost love through the diverse ways that we can all lose love, this is a song about hope and about that how everything we go through, we get to carry pieces of it with us, that I personally believe that my dad and my best friend are like my guardian angels now and that they guide me all the time.

And I like I consider them walking around me as I go through my every day.

And it actually gives me a lot of comfort and strength.

And so that's what the song is about, about taking the pieces of your past that you want and keeping them with you regardless of how you lost them.

I love this so much. Wow. Yeah. Yeah.

Is anyone dealing with loss right now? I mean, what a perfect song for everything everybody is going through. And in terms of the lost thing, I'm sorry. I know I'm going to let you go, but that is such a big deal because I think that when you I lost my dad a couple of years ago and like you really there's no one you can only talk to other people that lost their dads.

It's this weird thing where, like, you know, even your closest friend doesn't get, you know what I mean? It's and then and then there's this sort of additional pain.

That is when you're grieving, everyone else feels awkward and they feel like they can't help you. And then you feel I feel like I'm creating stress for them because I'm so sad and you know what I mean.

It's like when someone you love, someone close them, dies, like you feel helpless and you can't. You know what I mean?

Like and I guess I just realized at the time like it that kind of grief transcends conversation. Absolutely. It just has to be music. It has to be well.

And it was interesting. I first wrote this song as an instrumental because I couldn't even find the words to say to express how I felt. And then, you know, I worked with another artist who actually wrote the lyrics for it.

And I was so excited because he was able to put into words what I was never able to to say.

And, you know, you're right, though. It transcends conversation in another way.

Like I used to always think I didn't know what to say to someone if they lost someone, like I just didn't have the words.

There's nothing to say. But like you mentioned, like, I feel like a sadly part of the dead dad's club or, you know, and any time you lose anyone, you realize you don't actually have to say anything.

There's like an empathy that can be felt, whether it's through music or whether it's through a hug or whether it's just you like you know, like that feeling that you share with someone of like.

I understand.

And so and even if you don't understand that, like, that's OK, OK, you don't have to pretend you understand by saying your cat is sick.

Sheryl Sandberg wrote that book about grieving when her husband suddenly died. And I read it.

It's option B, is that what it is?

Plan B? You know, that's the pill I took this morning. Yes, something like that.

And and she said that when her husband died, she went to work and no one would talk to her. Right. It's so true. People either go like, I get it, you're either smothered or you're avoided.

And that's a really hard place to sit between us.

And so, I mean, for anyone that knows anybody that's struggling, which you will at some point, if you don't know anyone who's lost someone, I mean, I think just being this like this presence of like whatever you need to be, whenever you need to be it, I'm here for you.

Yes.

You know, and even through my breakup recently, like I mean, that's obviously not a loss or a death, but it's so I killed him.

He's dead. We won't do that because this is on record, right?

Yes. So I want everyone to know.

But I had some friends that reached out and they were like, what do you need? Like, do you need us to come be with you? Do you want to be alone?

Like we are here for it regardless. I'm like, you know, just people like that, whether you just need to let people know that you can be whatever you need to be. And I'm here for it. And like and that is like a genius.

Like if someone's going to. Do you want to talk about it? Do you not want to talk like I gave you options, do want me to come over and not bring it up at all? Yeah. Do you want to talk about it for four hours or. You know what I mean.

Like, what do you today asking someone what they need is a huge thing because, you know, thinking that you know the answer. Even if you've dealt with exactly what they're dealing with and you think you know everything, you don't know how they need to deal with it. You don't know what day they're on of grief like, you know.

Yes. And something that she said in her book, Sheryl Sandberg. And I know there was a co-author that I'm forgetting, but some guy, Sheryl Sandberg and some guy who's written by Sheryl Sandberg and that dude that if you don't what to do, drop something off at their house, drop something off, or if it's someone's in the hospital, you go wait in the fucking lobby and you I'm downstairs if you want to talk.

If not, I'll be here till 4:00 reading the book. I'm fine. Don't need to see you. But if you want to, you know what I mean. I'm here or I drop you drop something off of their house without needing credit. That's the other thing is I even find myself doing it. When someone's going through something bad. I'm like, Jimmy, do this and this and this.

It's like, am I wanting credit or am I for being there? Or am I just uncomfortable with this person's pain that I feel the need to make myself give give them homework for me?

Like when someone now says, like, what can I do? I'm like, well, you're giving me homework now for you.

I always say, like, you don't have to respond to this. I guess that's so good because that's all good. You don't have to. I'm not expecting it. Don't because I always feel an obligation to respond. So if I say that right off the bat that I'm just like, take it and go, right, that's good.

That's that's a great way. Because sometimes when we try to take care of people, we make them take care of us by accident. And we don't even know we're doing it. When someone tries to help and they just create more work for you.

And you're just like, I just I don't think you see this, but I see myself doing it sometimes. Yeah. And I have to catch myself. Right.

Giving the options, giving the option not to respond at all, you know, because I think there's a lot of power and just showing up, like a lot of times, people just they we all just want to know that people are aware and haven't forgotten.

If they're not afraid of us, they're not afraid to talk to us. It's like just by showing up, whether it's leaving something or just saying hi or like making you feel like it's OK to be wherever you're at.

The grief conversation is like losing someone this young.

I just think no one prepares you for that because in our heads we're like our dads die when we're like fifty years or, you know, I mean like and then it happens to you and you're just like, no, no, no. You know, been there, absolutely. Yeah, I'm so sorry, I didn't know you'd had that experience as well. My life is harder than yours and I need you to help and take care of me emotionally.

I know I say this about my dad, dad, but I'm just I'm like, it's really. Oh, it's relating for sure. There's an understanding that comes from that. Absolutely. Yeah.

Just like and then. Yeah. And I just feel like with everything that's going on in the amount of crossing over we have going on just in our news and in our life, like it's just like a song like this at a time like this to like stay focused on hope. And not all the negativity that we're seeing all day, every day, even if it's not going on in our own nuclear family, is is just. Yeah, no, it's just the best.

Definitely a time for some hope and upliftment. And I'm here for it. That's your. You're like a like who are the princesses and that come in and make everything better. Like who's an enchanted. Like a princess.

A Disney princess. Yeah. But like you're like does the sparrow help you get dressed.

Do ChipMOS help you clean your clothes in the yard. And I speak to animals. Exactly. Yes.

I feel like I speak to them. They do not speak back. I feel like they speak back to you. Oh no, they don't speak back. But I just I'm just saying I just feel like yeah. They like comb your hair and the like. She has like birds and like frogs and squirrels like doing all her makeup and hair. Oh you are just kind of my makeup. Looks like it was done by a frog. Yeah.

I just like these very tiny hands. Did you make a very big thing with claws with not much core strength.

Did with Webb some a small something with three fingers.

Seemed like for me I mean I look like an actual crack whore so no I would never.

OK, I love you, Lindsay Stirling Dotcom. You guys already know this, but it is L.A. and DC y. Yes. Which I get wrong a lot.

Yeah. A lot of people. Lots of people. And then the last name is a tricky one too as I r LIFG that is too weird spellings in a row. Yeah.

My name is usually spelt Buhle first and last. Wrong, not wrong. You could have twenty four million. I was.

Say how many followers have you missed out on today. I'm just, I'm not saying change the name of the spelling. There's a sterling out there that spelt the other way that is just getting that kind. So yeah.

All kinds of attention. And she plays the piano. She learned how to play violin. She shows up and tells me all the time ticket. So she available to be on the piano. Lindsay, wait, this is the Lindsay so shit. Do you do what. Oh fuck. You find out with the wrong spelling.

Other ones morpheme is strictly research ability. It's fine. Yes. Lindsay Sterling L.A. seewhy Steve i r l i n g dot com m no. Just to throw just just to keep the trend going. No dotcom. If you do something, a dot com I'm sure would still go to dot com. I don't think so.

Oh let's not try to make it harder.

There's, there's a re-route. Unreal. I love you. I know I have to let you go and these very awkwardly don't ride elephants and I love you.

And I'm very sad to listen to Lindsay's new single. Oh yeah. Listen to the news. You know, I want to play by play right now.

I get sued. Oh. Oh, no, no. I'll then email her later.

Like you have to fix you have to sue me. The licensing stuff's a bitch pickle. Yeah. Musicians come on the show. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Do not do that. I do not. You don't want that to happen. I'm like, what's the problem? Please just let him down this road. I really like we need you to turn it off like truly right now.

Like there was three bars and stuff or else you're going to get a bill for fifty grand. Oh. And then I have an idea. You said something earlier about you were like I was just playing a random concerto study pronounce. Oh yes.

Concerto Concerto Concerto. You should do. I think she needs career advice for me. Let's be honest, I'm just here to help an album where you do concertos and it's just called Random Concertos.

Random Concertos. I like I say, that's where you call them. It is so funny. If you just had an album like you can do a concerto album.

Right, right. Is that covers though. Yeah. I guess they would be covers that you like.

I, I do do all this to not have to do that. Why are you trying to make me go back to the repitch now.

Those are happening. You know you should do open mics again. All right.

We're just going backwards. It is that is that a backwards thing. Open mic night. No, no.

I go to church to cover another. I just I know literally nothing.

You know what they're so difficult like. So it would actually be like I'm practicing a lot, you know, covid because I have time right now. I'm just practicing a lot. And I'm going back to, like, relearn some these old.

Share photos, because, I mean, the music that I play now that I, you know, tours and stuff. I mean, it's difficult in its own way, but like, it's nothing compared to, like, a classical like boil your fingers to death concerto. So. Wow.

So, like, not a step backwards. I would I just mean like in terms of I have no idea because I never in some business is like you don't know, you know. But it's like I mean in terms of creatively like is that is like like once you do this you can't go back to you.

Like once you are a movie star, you're not allowed to host talk shows. You're not I mean there's all these weird little things.

I mean, yeah. Once you've like released your own original music, you, like don't want to ever be known as a cover artist again.

But I mean, I'll occasionally cover something if I feel like it.

Yeah. Wow. This movie scores really cool. Like I'll cover it, you know. So I don't, I don't hold any hard fast lines but you know.

Do you feel weird when people cover your ears. I get so excited.

Really. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Well do you ever watch. And you're like, oh no I'm not a little bit.

You take my name off that. No.

One time I was walking through Seattle and I was down the Pike Place market through and I hear someone playing one of my songs and there's this kid on the corner playing the violin, rocking out to one of my songs.

And it was this one of the sweetest moments of my life. I like turned the corner and popped in front of him, you know, like, well, filming.

And I was like, you're doing great. And, you know, his it was like the sweetest moment ever.

So, yeah, whenever I hear someone playing my music, where's that video? I can't find it. You cannot. You don't have to. I'm just saying we have to.

It's on my Instagram. We'll send you a link to it because his face is just priceless. And he didn't.

The best part is he didn't stop playing shows and he just likes to play a heart out. The best thing ever. How old was this person? He was probably, like you say, like 20. It wasn't like a child.

He was like the chances that you're playing in fucking Seattle and she walks by like crazy just to buy a lottery. It was a yeah. It was a cool moment for both of us.

That's like so it's almost cruel if you weren't so delightful because it's almost like. Well, like, I would be very scared. I'm sure it was like, no, it's just like one of those things. It's like so creepy that you're like, oh my God.

I'm like, well, you know what, universe. Yeah. When you run into someone that you were just thinking about and you're like, oh God, I'm a witch, I manifested in a move which I don't know about.

You're like, I can't be trusted to go anywhere anymore. Like you should be like I'm just too powerful. I can't think anything. I'm drunk on my own power, OK? Yes. I think if something is going to be true. But then it's like if by that logic, the pandemic was your fault, asshole, like when I'm like I manifest. You are.

Don't look at me. Don't look at me. If I fall in love with you, you'll have to marry me.

Like when you anything in your mind is like too powerful. It happens the slippery slope. I'm in love with you. I cannot wait to hang out with you and make you come back on the show. Your manager will let you. But I'm going to text you. Manipulate you and she'll be back, folks. All right.

Even against you because you're manifesting it right now. If I'm mad, if it's going to happen, bitches, and you and and now it's time for me to give you my sweatshirt. Oh, yeah. Get the sweatshirt.

Yeah, it's got sweat stains on it. It's like the secretly meanest gift I ever like. You better watch it.

Could you smell it doesn't smell. I actually didn't try.

Oh, you know what, it's not that bad, actually, because I, I did use the ball wide, but I did use those those manscape ball on my armpits.

They work, folks. Yeah, that sounds bad to get some some wipes. No, we can set you up with some ball wipes. Yes. You've come to the right place with a whole closet full of them.

Well, thank you. Thank you for having me. So thank you for doing this. Your manager is like, man, I have some cuts, your dream and I feel like people will be so excited to see.

You for three hours straight. You're welcome. OK, and I watch you on talk shows, you get ten minutes, five minutes, 15 minutes. I give you the first three hours. So you're welcome.

Didn't she want to do she's wanted to leave for the past half hour, and I made her stay. That's not that's how devoted to my fans I am.

And I don't have 12 million viewers. So my channel actually has more content of her than her channel at this point.

So by this logic, I should have the same number of subscribers by next week.

Can't wait. All right.

You heard it here first. Hey. From.