Transcribe your podcast

For word, for word. Where do I start? Yeah, I do everything around here. I work for you, so I haven't seen in a while and I appreciate you having me on the show. I have to tell you that you have the clearest cameras in the podcast world.


So I had to put a little nevea acute on the on the face just because opalescent suggestions is that even they add another thing.


Your vocabulary is beyond any of my comprehension.


Let's dumb it down a little bit.


Let's turn these monitors off so that I'm not staring at myself the whole time and how amazing the peptides have made my skin look.


I don't even know where to start with you.


Well, we share a history. I mean, we've we've known each other for what's going on. What ones? The ones that when we go to the Middle East. Twenty five together.


I have been so scared of you for so long. Why? I thought I've been really friendly with you. You know, you're so far no one has a more pure heart than Sebastian. That's very nice. Thank you.


But because you have in.


You have a I don't know if it's genetic, I don't know if it's ancestral will figure it out. You have absolutely no need to impress anyone at any time. You need nothing from anyone ever.


You never have skin. I thought I would keep the jacket. I know.


I mean, I'm in a wool bolero, so if you're already hot, my future is bleak spot.


You only talk if it's absolutely necessary, like it's your last resort communication, like it's.


Such a so annoying to you to have to utter a word so. When I was first started doing stand up. I was so insecure and such a projection machine that, like you walking and just saying nothing and needing nothing and you're also like this might make me emotional.


You're also I want to say I'll say one of the only comics. That has no predatory energy towards women. It's kind of insulting, actually. You've never harassed me, you've never tried to have sex with me, you've never flirted with me and I'd like an explanation.


Well, here, thank you, by the way. I was thinking about this on the way over. This really has nothing really to do with not hitting on you or anything like that, but we went to Dubai or wherever Lebanon, we sat next to each other on an airplane. And I think prior to this or it was after this, I said, hey.


I could get you on so so it was like a six, seven minute set somewhere on TV where I thought I was helping you out and I wasn't really aware of what was going on in your career.


And you responded with. I'm good. So I always like I wish I would have known more about her and what was going on, because like you said, I me not talking to people a lot of times, I don't know what people are interested. We were just talking about Kevin Christie before we got on the podcast that he's an amazing artist.


You know, I didn't know a lot of things about people at the Comedy Store. I had a group that I came up with and I hung out with those guys for for a little bit.


And then when we started work and I really didn't see them, but I was not one of these guys that walked around the Comedy Store and, like, talking and hanging out. You walked in like a panther.


But like a mute panther and he would just prowl around the Comedy Store, you're all energy, you're all observational energy and passion will walk in and immediately like he would just recoil at negative energy and lean into positive energy. And he would win. When Sebastian from the beginning, I think I first came to the Comedy Store in 2006.


I want to say I remember I was there with my backpack. I had my little backpack and my, you know, with all my childhood trauma in it. And I'm standing there and I think it's so important that people understand that you've always been Sebastian.


It's like everyone caught up with you, but you were always wearing bedazzled bomber jackets, you were always like when you would walk in, everything would just. Be in slow motion, everyone would stop and you would just like walk down the hall and it was like the seas would part for you. All I know is I didn't see any of this. It was your energy, but it was just your energy. It was just that that kind of incredibly powerful energy.


And the Italian ancestral mafia power, I mean, it was just like when no one wants a horse head in the bed, like when when when you walk down the hallway, we're just like, don't kill my horse.


It's so far from who I am, though. I just there to go up, do the comedy and leave. Really?


Who treated you? You showed me that comedy is a job.


Yeah, I guess that's what I looked at it as. Not that I don't like to have fun. I really enjoy hanging out there. I enjoy the comedians. But I feel like when you came in, I had been doing that for eight years already. I got there in ninety eight so I've had my like fun at two o'clock hanging out with the guys.


I've never seen you at the Comedy Store with a woman that wasn't your wife. I didn't, I didn't, I didn't bring women there because it was like, it was like work for me.


I didn't really it wasn't something where I knew Lorna was your wife.


When you brought her to the Comedy Store, you're wearing the same jacket. You're both wearing leather jackets with the same studs on them or whatever it was. Yeah, we do. We and I was like, that's Apollonia.


That's her.


Like, when every I mean, the Comedy Store, the days that we were, you know, concentric on it, like. Guys had a different girl every night, it was all about showing off their prowess of how many girls I can get and, you know, whatever. You never had a girl with you and then you shut up with Lana.


And I was like, oh, yeah, Lana was you know, it wasn't one of those things I knew she was my wife. Right. When we first met, she was extremely shy. And it took me a while to kind of break her open. But once the floodgates let you put a picture of her as your screensaver. I did the first day.


I'd know within the first month I had her on my screensaver. Hmm. Legal criminal activity.


Krit. Yeah. And my my sister's like she saw and she's like, what do you what's that. You know, that's you know, I put a picture like she goes, it's been a month, I take it down.


But yeah, she was the best thing that ever happened to me. And how did you mean? Through a personal trainer used to share.


And I had asked, hey, do you have any good looking women that you train? He goes, Yeah, I got one at six o'clock in the morning. So that's a little early.


I'm sweating in here and I just I Jason, I run hot. I but I feel like in my sweater tears. I think it's tears. Are you trying to pretend that sweat is tears.


This is a fool. I'm a fool. I'm wearing a sweat and I don't know how I'm wearing an alpaca.


It must so be your your peptides which I'd love to talk about anyway. She was what was the question. How did you meet the trainer. Trainer.


Trainer suddenly in the morning I came in at seven. I came in oil, greased out the gunner.


John Petrelli, OK, great guy. He, of course, was the talion now.


Of course, I just I'm just the Italian ancestry thing. We need to get to it. Yeah.


There's a lot of Italians in my life. So I was hitting online pretty hard, I was laying it on pretty. Met her when you saw what happened, I said, wow, she's really beautiful. That's her.


What did you were you like, that's. No, I didn't say that's my wife, I said I'm breeding with her. No, no, no. I'm just so curious about it. There's no there's no breeding. There's no nothing. I just saw what she's really attractive, like to get to know her. John would kind of like he introduced us and I would flirt here and there with her a little bit.


But I would come to the the gym like like I was going out at night. I mean, shower, cologne or Orangina. Yeah. Baby oil.


So and she had no clue, no clue about like that. I was hitting on her. She was just really naive. Perfect. Yeah. I even better. Yeah. And it took her out and then it was a slow burn.


We went to sushi you know, sushi on third. It's closed. It's right. But it was yes it sushi Roku. And then I took her to the grove and we had a Pinkberry.


Whatever happened to Pinkberry. I think all was revealed that it was a sham.


Pinkberry was the hottest thing going for a while. Yeah. Pinkberry was the Kony 2012 of Yogurt's. Yeah, it was good. No big deal. No, I'm a fan. So anyway, yeah, it was a slow burn. I was dating her when I went to. So dating her. No, this was where you weren't there, were you there? Oh, yeah, you were there. The Dubai trip? Yeah, I did a private gig at the Dubai trip.


And that Alberg, what were we doing there?


Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it.


So I have a photo up on my computer of me and a brown bathing suit from J.Crew and see that's like in front of the Burj Hotel that Sebastian took was there's a third with us, right.


It was black guy Tommy. Tommy in Living Color, Tommy Davidson, Davidson, Tommy Davidson, Dwayne Perkins, Kirk Fox, Dooley who. Wow.


But you walked around the Middle East. I remember like you had been there before. People knew you. You were talking to like princes and whatnot. I was like, look at those who work in the room. I think you were making deals to come back trying to find a husband.


Yeah. So we went to the Middle East together. I wouldn't I remember it clear as day getting on the plane with you to go to Dubai for this corporate gig for a Sheik Habtoor.


Wow. You got a better memory than I do. I don't know why we were there.


I don't, Habtoor. I just have, like, fragments. And it was the first time I'd ever flown first class. And it was first, first, first, first er Maroc Royal Air Maroc, which is like it's the grove in the sky.


And we sat next to each other and I've writing always, always so much where I was like, should I be doing this.


I was writing probably a script for Whitney. I was probably working on the script for Whitney, probably because this is what, two thousand seven. Yeah. On there. I'm sniffling. It's not covid.


It's the dust from my house. The show was syndicated, checks cleared. And I sat down and I was next to you and there was the map on the screen. That little plane that shows you across the globe where you're going and you turned it on and I didn't. You're like, I don't know if we're going east to west. And I was like, what is this? And I was like, and you were like, oh, you turn this on.


I was like, prepared. And he's like, Don't you want to really do what you need to know where you're going? I was like. Yeah, you were like in your own head, but you wanted to see which direction the plane was going around the globe. I wanted to see where we are, where we're going to be. So if I woke up, I could look and go, oh, we're over there. Don't you do that when you fly in care?


Didn't care. Yeah. I like to know where I'm at, how long I got left.


And I'm like, because my brain is like, how do we even know this is true? Wow.


It's like that's my brain. When I see someone photo of someone's sonogram of their baby, I'm like, this is the same one myself.


The other one they, they give that one. There's one they give to everyone. Same one.


Wow. I had no idea. See I if I were to talk to you when I went to Kommissar, I would have known your neuroses or these nuances of your personality that I didn't know when we went to the Middle East and I took my shoes off.


And you were not happy about it? I wasn't. Sorry, I was right next to you on the plane and I took my shoes off and you were like it was everything I did, you were like. I think it was more me, Shaka's me at twenty six next to Sebastian on the plane like me with my oils and my pills and my things and everything was like, yeah, because I didn't, I didn't know.


I didn't know. I didn't know you really at all. No.


I mean we didn't really spend a lot of time together. I mean just at the Comedy Store. Hey, what's going on. But I didn't know a lot of the guys on the show.


And I think at the time I was very scared of you and embarrassed because, like, my trajectory as a comedian in the beginning and maybe, you know, I won't speak for all female comics, but like, the inclination in the beginning is to be very blue and dirty because you're a woman and you want to. Neutralize yourself or sort of. Get ahead of it or be so gross that it makes you masculine or something, and I always was embarrassed in front of you because I was like, I feel like because my material is dirty, he doesn't like me.


I always had, like, shame around that because I was always so impressed by your craft as a whatever clean comic means.


So do you did you feel intimidated going into a business where men are primarily the your coworkers? I'm more intimidated by women than men in the stand up world. Mm hmm. Is it for females do generally find that they help one another and stand up, or is it there's a lot of competition.


I think they've been conditioned to believe to compete because there's such a scarcity complex. There could only be one like that was real. So my generation of women is very competitive with each other. And because your win is my loss, if you get the spot in the main room at nine forty five, I don't get it. You know, it's me or you. You get Tuesday and Wednesday. You know, it's very much like that Rubik's Cube of the Comedy Store lineup.


I think it's changing. Social media and podcasting has changed it. Rogan's changed it where we all rise together like other people now other women success helps other women. But at the time, it was also like when you first saw me performing, just bombing with like, period jokes in the awah like. The onus was like one woman represented all, so there was this pressure, like, if I wasn't funny, see, women aren't funny Tulga they were just so much pressure.


Because I felt like when I went on stage, I was representing all female comics, so there was also that. But yeah, it was incredibly competitive coming up. And now, I mean, now I'm in a different position, so I'm not competitive, but I can't speak for the girls that are younger now. But yeah, it was like one one woman a year ago, The Tonight Show, one female is going to get to see Mizzi, whatever it is.


So, yeah, I do agree. I think now it's more everybody is lifting one another up, but I don't think that was true in the early years of comedy. I think at all it was me.


It was me versus you very much with women. Super primal. Yeah. I've often looked at that from afar of women and how they behave at the Comedy Store. Yeah. If they, if, even if the younger women go up to the older women for advice or what's all those dynamics like just because I only know it from a male perspective where you know, I think it's great what Joe Rogan has done bringing. Excuse me.


Sorry, I'm shooting Marmol, your wife calling me about placenta.


So, yeah, I it's fascinating, I think in the female world of stand up comedy, because I don't think a lot of men know what the ladies are going through, whether it be getting spots or getting TV or whatever, whatever it is, I was not privy to it.


Interesting, but it is upsetting a little bit. I feel like to me the need to. Go dirty like something that I don't think that I listen, I love to laugh just as much as the next person a female gets on stage and has got great material. And I I love it.


I mean, I really enjoy watching funny people. I don't think you have to be a certain way to fit in or what have you. Maybe as a young person getting in, you thought this is what you had to do. But I mean, that's a that's a part of growth.


But no, I just I just when I sit in the back of the room, I'm like, come on. It's almost like casting, you know, like when you're casting your show, you're like waiting for somebody to knock it out of the park when. Yes. You want them to win. Yeah.


And I just want to laugh. I just selfishly, I just want to sit in the back of the room and forget my problems and laugh at the comedian that's on stage regardless if it's a male or female.


But I remember like you, I mean, what I've learned from you is there's not enough time to. Encapsulate all of it, like I remember, there are times that I would see you go on stage after someone.


Shit, after something did not go well, there was not a it was not a personality match between the comedian and the audience, and you would go on stage and. I remember seeing you in the car like you were gone, you wouldn't talk for like 30 seconds just to, like, reset the energy. Is that conscious? Like, how do you like how are you so connected to the energy? Of the audience now, I just think that's a feeling, just like you go up there, you just got to feel it out, whatever, whatever you're stepping into, I think you're getting that response right away without any.


Because I think the.


You want to get up there, want to grab the microphone and start talking because there's it's uncomfortable maybe not to speak or to stay silent for a little bit, actually, this is a brilliant at that. Not talking before he like your use of silence is I love silence.


No one's I mean, you're the king or the king of silence. Not from the crowd. Not from the audience.


Your smile body maps when you score silence is conducive to a shitload of noise.


Yeah, I've always relished in the silence and I think that's watching Johnny Carson for years. Just coming up on him, watching him as a kid. I thought he was the master of do you watch silent movies as a kid?


No, no. It was more comedians, all comedians all the time. I never had cable. I used to go to my cousin's house and watch. He used to tape all the specials and whatnot. And I used to watch those on a Saturday morning alone in a basement and just used to study. I used to be fascinated. Still, I'm like, how does this comedian sound like this is the first time he's saying it has? Remember this?


What is what is this all about?


I used to go to comedy clubs when I was 16 years old with the girlfriend I had at the time we used. She knew the bouncer.


We used to go in the back, snuck in, go.


Yeah, I forget the name of the clubs in Rosemont. It's no longer there, but we used to go there Friday, Saturday nights.


Everybody's at Taco Bell and I'm like, I'm going to the comedy club. So I'm always fascinated with it.


Never knew how I was going to get into it.


It was you know, I come from the northwest suburbs of Chicago. My father's a hairdresser, my mother's a secretary. We didn't have any connection to entertainment, but I always knew I was fascinated with stand up comedy. I like to make people laugh. I'm not a big talker. I don't I'm not the class clown. I'm not the center of attention. I don't like to be unless I'm on stage, but like when I'm around a group of people, I think the misconception and I don't know if you're like this, but, you know, I guess you might be because you'd like to talk more often than I do.


But I don't like I like to listen.


Well, that's why you're so passionate. You're the observational king of our time. Yeah, I did. Great observational conductor. Yeah. You're the. Yeah, I just like to observe I don't like to like when I do these, I don't do podcasts a lot because I don't like necessarily I know I'm pushing it with this.


I know this is ruining our friendship, but I felt know I was flimsy to begin with. Let's be honest.


You know, I see people go on these podcasts and they're like. Giving all this information, a lot of people love to give a lot of personal information.


Yes, sharing sloppy how they feel about certain things and this and that. I grew up where you just didn't talk and you never shared your intimate feelings with anybody other than your friend. Even your family didn't even know. So I've always been tight lipped. I never take a side either way. And I tend to when I come on these podcasts that serves Italians well, huh?


Very well. Ancestral. Yeah, I think it's an Italian thing, especially Sicilians been conquered so many times that we don't trust a lot of people. Yes. And it could be in the DNA. Yes. And yeah. Never, never a big talker. So even when I go on like Joe Rogan, like, you know, Joe's very gracious. If you want to come on the show, I feel like, you know, I watch his podcasts and he's got like doctors and David Goggins toenails running.


One hundred and fifty miles. I go, I really got nothing like that. I didn't overcome anything.


There's nothing really in my family like there's no abuse or drugs or alcoholism that I had to overcome.


So I don't really have a big story to tell. I just happen to be a guy who grew up in the Midwest, like to make people laugh and wanted to try this out. And here we are.


I feel like is very like you carry the ancestral trauma.


Yeah, maybe. Maybe that's it. And maybe the darkness is that there's I don't like you know, if you got to know me, I think people that are close to my family and close friends that I have, they see maybe a different side of Sebastian than myself going into the Comedy Store. Yeah, I noticed that.


Caught that. I play it on a little play it on a loop. Yeah.


So but what where did your ancestors immigrate to in America. Mississippi. Interesting.


So my father came to Mississippi with his family because that's where the rest of my father's family was. But they didn't like Mississippi and they left within six months, moved to Chicago, and that's basically where they started their life.


So this was in the. This is my father was fifteen. So this is 60s. OK, sixty around sixty.


OK. My father. It's one of these guys, he's a beautician, he's a talker, he's a big character, but things that, you know, don't tell how much people you make, you know, that was that was a big thing growing up.


That's not a shame. It's just it's not secrets. It's omission. Yeah, privacy, privacy, privacy.


Were, you know, a lot of people in this day and age tend to be very open about, oh, look at what I have looked at.


How have you negotiated that with social media? Because I feel like you just found your groove with social media in the last couple of months.


Yeah. You know, I took a pandemic to the pandemic, took an invisible murderer to get you to start fucking channeling that because it feels like I felt like your relationship to social media, perhaps because of this ancestral magnetic loyalty to privacy, was I felt like your relationship to social media was adversarial for a while.


Yeah. I couldn't find my home there because it's the antithesis of what you are about.


Yeah. Secrecy. Yeah, well, it's just humble. Yeah. I didn't want first of all I'm like I don't want people seeing my living room or where I live or my kids. But you know, as soon as I got to use it and whatnot, I wanted to share a side of me that was a little peek behind the curtain and see, you know, what what happens at home and whatnot. And I have fun with it. It's not like I over abuse it.


Yeah, I doesn't feel mercenary. It doesn't feel it feels it's charming and appropriate. Yeah.


I feel like we're goofing around around the house and like my mind you like uncancel Michael Jackson by dancing to him the other day. I think you're just invincible to cancelling way.


I put Michael Jackson to my son dancing. I thought that was.


I know. I see. I would have fear. I would go, oh, I can't post Michael Jackson the documentary, the allegations about the comments.


Yeah. I mean, I didn't even think about it. I love I love Michael Jackson's music. And I just thought it was fun. I like to make people laugh. So I used it now during the pandemic as a way to kind of get, you know, you're not going to get the stand up laughter anywhere else.


But I'm like, I want to put a smile on people's face. I like to think that when I go up on stage, I'm making people forget about everything outside the room, whether it be politics or whatever they're going through. And I'm like, oh, maybe I'll use social media and that's it.


I'm putting lip gloss out of a mirror while looking at Sebastian in the eyes of maybe we should fire up the TV here.


Oh, I need any powder. Do you need anything? No, no. I should have cooled down and cooled. OK, you, you it was touch and go there for a minute I thought was going to faint.


Hey do you have the vapors. What's that. The vapors. Like the vapors. Like a damsel in distress. The vapors don't start use in reference. Old English familiar. Yes. I am sorry. It's Ivy League. My bad.


Did you call Ivy League school. You don't see. That's what I mean. Not honestly but I did. But the way I got in was witchcraft.


Well did you get through. Through basketball. No, through gold digging. Are you looking at yourself. Yeah.


Well no. I just want to make sure that whatever I just did with the lip gloss isn't see, I look insane.


I can't look this insane for your episode.


What am I going to put my hair back and be a lady? OK, yeah.


I look like Time-stamped that I look like Kurt Cobain.


Twenty three but it's in the hair goes back.


Herschbach OK, there we go. I have to have a more respect. This is Sebastian's here. You guys look at this. That's more elegant, right. That's very this is better. Very elegant. No.


OK, very nice.


That's very nice. It's about something I didn't want to call duty to, and I'm calling on speaker. I didn't know you play basketball, so honestly, I don't know about you, which I found out like this year. I think talking to you in the parking lot that you were a basketball player, which now makes sense that you got the basketball.


But what did that what did that change your perception? If you were at home, if you if someone pointed out and Whitney played basketball, I would thought that was a joke. I didn't. I finally made it funny.


Finally, a clean joke from Whitney. No way.


No, I mean, I just didn't put you in basketball together, huh?


So. Yeah. I just came to a complete halt, there is no getting back on this podcast stuff for me to do this and come on these podcasts with this weird was this hard.


I just it's one of these things where I don't know where these things are going to go.


I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. I don't know what's expected of me. I don't know. Am I supposed to be funny? Is this a people to people look at this and go, oh, is this guy a comedian? He's not making us laugh. I never really know where these acts are so much is that one of the labs were canceled because the jokes are canceled.


People want to know, were you molested or not? That people want to know now. Can you come out as a different gender like otherwise? No, thank you. I mean, it's it is it is interesting because I feel like as soon as I figured out how to be of value to people in a way, as soon as I honed a craft or a trade, as soon as I had a skill, as soon as I was able to peddle my wares, the skill that I had worked so hard for kind of went away with the pandemic.


Right. And then it was like, oh, wait a second, I didn't want to start a podcast.


But what do you I mean, do you like talking to people? Find this. Do you like this?


I'm in heaven right now, but I'm very specific about who I have on.


I don't have anyone that I wouldn't want to hang out with off camera. So this is I can't fake it. I'm a bad actor.


Like, I can't pretend in the first couple of months was a little touch and go. If you guys see the first couple months of August, I was like I was a little like thought I was on Leno. I was a little like, you know, still in the network TV conditioning of like and stand up have to be funny every twenty seconds, but there's no audience here. We're in my house and the people that are listening to this right now are doing laundry or they're going running or they're watching it on YouTube in their house while they're doing their schoolwork or whatever it is.


So it's it's kind of like a brain share thing.


And there's no there's no expectations and you can't get it wrong. Like there's no way it can go wrong.


I'm surprised that that. How how how much could you listen to people talk?


I mean, there's so many people like someone else, does it not?


Like if I was a podcast hopper, I one podcast on somebody else and then they're going to hear what the same thing I said here.


That's why I never ask questions that you could find on another podcast. So it's like for me, I'm not going to say how you can stand up. I will never ask you that. And when I go on podcasts and people say, is it hard being a woman, stand up. I'm like, I've said that already. So whoever's Googling me and is in this YouTube wormhole of me, if that's what they're doing because they took too much Adderall or whatever, they're going to see this somewhere else.


So I'll never repeat myself on another podcast or tell the same story twice. And when people come here, it's like when we had Lexcen. He's the biggest A.I. researcher in the world.


And I just only asked him about his dad because he's never talked about that before. Yeah. You know, so that's what I try to do.


No, I mean, that's that's that is unique in itself.


But if I know something about you, it means the listeners already know it, too, or they're going to find out after this. They're going to go google you. Yeah.


You know, but I think it's like about what we are relationship. Yeah.


No, I agree. It's just there's a lot of podcasts out there and everybody is going on everybody else's podcast. Like if I had a podcast that had guests then you would come on my podcast and then we're going to do that, that version. So I just find it that this is like casting a like a weird muscle.


I, I always looked at it as a unsparingly reality to it.


Just want to just want to make people laugh or hang out with your friend.


That's it. Mm hmm. What's your connection to Pete?


I met him in Canada on one of those like little bus tours.


I dunno if I had a crush on Peccary did time. Yeah, really. Wow.


Like, I definitely like, saw him around Montreal and I was like, is that my baby daddy? I remember having a like, is this my future? Like Pete correal.


Like this is my idea. I had a I was kind of obsessed with him for a little while.


Did he know? He doesn't know I. Yeah, he is. Thank you for letting me project onto you.


He is. He's a funny guy, so handsome. We had a so alpha, so hot. So hot.


Is that you're so funny like Alpha Men Alpha.


Yeah. Because you seem like you would be in control of the relationship.


I'm very Beita in relationships. Whoever I'm with has to be just super has to alpha me.


OK, and you seek that. Yes. Got it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like man I can't emasculate by accident because all emasculated by accident. Got you you know.


But Italian I have and I don't know what it is. I'm still sort of like working through what in my ancestral lineage. But I have a very magnetic attraction to Italian.


Benton's Italian really. Yeah. Well people would be happy to know that Pete's happily married for sure. His wife would be thrilled. Sorry.


It's a compliment. I'm happy to be your handmaid.


Well, listen, well, we'll be talking about this for twenty minutes on the podcast.


My eggs are frozen. We can just maybe, like, freeze embryos. You can have it. We'll get the lot. Can be the surrogate. I don't need to speak frankly. We just I just my DNA, like my primordial reaction was like, oh, we need to like, have an offspring.


Wow. Yeah. So I mean, great guy to pick because he can rescue me.


I make that up. No, OK, I know I'm conflating him with Adam Ferrara because I did the tour with Denis Leary and Adam Ferrara. But I think Pete was on a couple of shows on that Rescue Me tour, obviously, right here.


Yeah, no, he he has done the Denis Leary, so that's I've done shows with Pete before. OK, yeah, I just like have a crush on him. Yeah, he's a great guy. Funny cat, funny. And we have way bigger career.


He should. He should. He's definitely got the goods. It's just for whatever the reason. He's been a writer on a lot of these TV shows and he's been doing that.


But standup wise I think he's extremely rare in Italy is what's his lineage? I think he's buddies. I think from Bahri is that s that is on the west east side of Italy. S interesting.


But yeah, he and I hit it off and we're like, you know what, this was in 2014. I said, you want to do this. Everybody's doing podcasting. I said, every time we get on the phone, we make each other laugh. And I said, why don't we just do this on a podcast? And we did it. And that's basically what it's called. Pete Sebastian show.


Whether you do it from like your home theme. I know I don't have any of this this mean.


I also love that you're like like out of frame for most of it. I love that. It's just like not even symmetrical. Like, you can't even be like you don't have a vertebra when you're doing it for some reason.


And I don't know, you're holding like what even it's a Brillo pad.


What are your microphones. What did you say.


You love to comment. I know Blair Witch. Oh yeah.


I mean the camera work is very Blair. Well, listen, listen, you're logging over there.


I mean, I would love to get my hands on your podcast. Like, I'll do a literally do anything if you'll just let me and then.


No, listen, I've tried, haven't I tried.


I hate money. I had this company come in my producers.


Yeah. And do a an analysis of what. Oh yeah. We could do this. Yes. And then the pandemic hit and it kind of petered offices. But this is what we have.


It's done extremely minimal and I know.


And why don't we Kelly were slower to Kelly were slower. It's going to take five and a half years will follow.


Kelly, by the way, follow Kelly Haussler is the designer that has put is why when you guys have seen in my stories when I repost Sebastian, it's why his house looks like a Ian Schrager hotel.


Yeah, well, it's we moved one.


We moved furniture from one house to anyway, that's why it looks like Alice in Wonderland sex dungeon.


Anyway, the podcast is is poorly produced. I agree. And it's just something not even subtitled.


I mean, it's you hate deaf people. You hate people that have jobs that are listed that work with no audio.


I mean, it's wild how much he hates people and it's not even that.


So we don't even have the cable. We don't have the capability to even because you won't respond to my texts.


I respond to you also.


Sebastian changes his phone numbers so frequently. How how what is it with you in the changing in the phone numbers?


I've only changed my number three times over the last ten years. This is this is my I'm sending you a screen grab of this tape. This is in my address book. The number of times I have Sebastian new phone number. I mean, I'm flattered that I get the text every time, but why do you change your phone number so much?


Had nothing to do with real friends that I have. It'd be like people calling me for shows because you gave your number to open mic.


I didn't. Bookers, yeah. I didn't have like I wasn't like you. You seem to be dialed in with like, oh, I have like a number I give to someone who wants to be to do their show in a laundromat and and that. So I was my number was out there for a while with people who are like, hey, do you want to do my show on Tuesday night?


That that and then the hassle of getting that text, is that not tantamount to changing your number and having to send out text your whole address?


Yeah, but like, there's not a lot of people I even need to do that for. Got it. Got it.


So if you look in your phone, I don't know about you, my circle doesn't really expand like. Right. My contacts.


How many contacts do you have in your phone? I already. But there's a circle that you generally you write, and how many people would you say on an average are in your circle of like you're texting, hey, what's going on? Or, hey, did you try to buy 10?


Interesting. It depends depends on what month it is and what's happening. And if I'm touring and if you know, it depends.


Yeah, but do you ever go in through your contacts and go whose's delete. Who's that goodbye. You'd never do that. You do a cleansing. I feel like with the change of the no, it's a cleanse and then like, it's just starting.


It's a chrysalis out of the pupa again, Ivy League.


You don't like Riff-Raff, you're like rigamarole. No, you don't like detritus. When I get home, I will look that up and let you know the answer you don't like like unnecessary, unnecessary trash.


Yeah, my desktop. Mm. One fold, one folder by what I do, Internet browsing, one window at a time. So what is that? It's a letter from is it OCD?


It's not it's not OCD.


It's just just like order. I don't like I don't you know, I'm not an astrology person. What what? Just curious cancer. Because they're wondering, OK, yeah.


And my wife, she's got the computer is going to shut down because I go, how do you find anything. You've got one hundred and ninety three windows open. She's a type. There's like twenty one thousand unread emails.


You get my texts. Wait how do I go to how do you know how many unread texts you have.


Doesn't it just show like. Oh yeah. No on the think. Hold on. But wait why doesn't it do you have unread emails.


That's my unread e-mails. Eighty three thousand.


Like, I see all this red, you have one hundred seventy one unread texts, 12 on MySpace that I have no read, everything's clean.


Do you have windows behind Windows?


You have no friends. No one wants to talk to you. People stop texting you 15.


You got no I don't know with them. Wow. I don't know what that is.


It's just it's order alien and mail Italian order. I have had a jaw and I have a whole chapter in my book about my struggle with migraines. I have had them my entire life and I'm frustrated that there is now a company called Kov that helps you find an FDA approved treatment that works for your migraine. This did not exist when I was a kid, when I was a kid, I'd be I was the one at Disneyland that had to go in the car and you, like, cover your face and you're rubbing your temples and you're just crying.


I used to they left you in the car at Disneyland. That explains a lot. I got my migraines have a hundred percent. Define my personality as like a isolator.


Like with no to me you're not ruining this vacation. Go to the car. I used to, but I got to the point where my fear of getting migraines, the anticipation, the cortisol released of being scared of getting one is what started causing them.


Like it was like I was in this like cycle I could not break my left arm would go numb my I'd lose vision in my left eye. But when you have a migraine, you don't know you have it because you have a migraine. So you can't it's hard to do that. I mean, like, you know, you have migraine because you have a mortgage and things.


Exactly. So, like, they're all so specific. That's the thing about migraines. Everyone's migraines, people like help me for my migraines. I'm like, I can't. You have to, but I can.


It's part of can't because no two migraines are alike. And not only that, but Cove's completely online. Everything. It's all online, everything's online.


You have a licensed doctor is going to recommend you a treatment plan, customize for as little as ten dollars per month.


I mean, if all the fact that this wasn't around when I was a kid is giving me a migraine. A few minutes of your time, you're taking a personalized treatment plan for twenty plus researched fact. Doctor, doctor recommended migraine medications because there's a lot of things that they don't tell you like that that Kov would tell you, like taking too many medications for migraines can cause migraines. Is it dairy or is it sugar. Is it what time you go to bed every night.


Is it stress.


Is that like you don't have to worry about your medication because I've seen it right to your door every month. Oh gosh. Which is probably if you have a migraine, who can have time to go out and get medicine.


Yeah, we'll go and get the medicine can give you a migraine because you're releasing cortisol. No insurance needed, no trip to the pharmacy. All of my meds right to your door. Awesome.


And honestly, like this is something that a lot of migraine sufferers were perfectionists, were overcommitted type people, because other people's migraines is that we don't put ourselves first.


So this is a great gift to give someone else that, you know, that gets migraines, your mom, your sister, your wife or whatever, and forced her to do it. Stop ruining Christmas.


I got you cold.


Go to with kov dot com slash Whitney for fifty percent off your first month of medication, free two day shipping. That's fifty percent off your first month of medication and free two day shipping it with Kove dot com slash Whitney spelled HCO slash Whitney with Kov.


If you guys if I'm known for anything, it's my calmness, yeah, that's when I would say so. The first thing comes up on Wikipedia, like when you think Whitney Cummings, you think serene, peaceful. Why are you always telling me to get the comment?


Because. Well, I love the comment. I've been a user for a minute. I pay for the subscription. What does a minute mean?


About a year, OK? Yeah. And I really I mean, I love it. I like like, you know, I like what it is I like and some and all that, but I want you to sell me on it.


OK, well, give me a minute. I'll try to for longer than you have. Have you now sell me on it. Well how come you can never sleep. They've had.


It's ok but I like like whispering and noises and quiet stories.


I like that to go to sleep and calm is like it gives you an option you can take. It's an app and you can pick like different noises. You can pick stories. People can read you, you can pick outdoor sounds. You can pick rain.


I love the stories I'm looking at. There's a new one by Mandy Moore. Yeah. Where she just tells a story.


She reads a story and they read it very soft and calm. And it's like they're so good. It's like the map is like the mom you wish you had. It's it's like the a baby.


It's like bedtime stories from celebrities. Oh, my God, that's genius.


I love it. Mean, we all love it. Sleep. So I'm looking I'm looking at the map. Can you read the rest of this while I look at it.


Um. That's why we're excited to partner with the calm at the app designed to help, can you stress the best sleep in your life? Yeah, I'm talking to you about it. Aren't you excited to partner with them?


Dude, I'm just so stoked and I'm a little insulted that I haven't been asked to do it. Yeah, because my voice is not. Call me. It can be. I think when you occasionally do it, try now, try now you tell your story. Yeah.


Tell me a story about the itsy bitsy spider. But Comley.


I'm such a perfectionist that I would turn it into this is good. I like the itsy bitsy spider. What can you edit that like, I'd like to start over. This is good, I'm falling asleep right now. I'd be I'd be a perfectionist about how how calm I was, my anxiety. I'm not being melting away. My calm enough is enough.


I've never felt calmer. Mandy Moore is probably the one. Or didn't you say someone from Penny Dreadful.


I don't know her name, but the actress from Penny Dreadful, who I adore. Hers is my favorite one.


Like to tell you a bedtime story, help you fall asleep. It's soporific.


Listen, over eighty five million people around the world, you take care of their minds, think it better. You don't know why they even if you go to Comic-Con, Whitney, you'll get a limited time offer for 40 percent off a comprehensive description which includes hundreds of hours of programming.


You'll get the Common App and experience a transformation in the way you sleep. For listeners of the show Karmas, offering a special limited time promotion of forty percent off a premium subscription at Comic-Con Whitney, that's 40 percent off of unlimited access to the entire library in new content is added every week. Get started today at Comic-Con. Whitney, that's Comic-Con.


What you need come after you listen to my book you do from the chaos that I create.


It's such a good output. Are there certain things you won't put in writing, um, because you because you call like I remember when the pandemic first hit, when covid first hit, I was at the Greenwich Hotel in New York City.


And you were doing twenty thousand seat arenas, twenty thousand seat arenas, twenty thousand twenty twenty seat arenas.


Korsakov that frankly Sobashima escargots tour spreading covered the target demo and.


I was like, what's up with your shows, this was a Wednesday. Detroit had just hit, Texas had just hit, oh, cases, the cases smashed and I'm like, so are you canceling shows? And he calls me like, what?


Yeah, I felt like we need to talk.


And he calls me. I'm like, OK, like first it's is she OK? Is Annie, are you OK?


No, I felt like that was a discussion.


I felt like Sebastian calls like I mean I was Mujib's.


Like I was yelling at the women that worked in the gym, slobs like like I was holding the phone out with Sebastiaan newest, newest, newest.


No. I don't know, I just felt I needed to talk to you and then we face time, you mid pandemic. Well, you were like, but you were like, why would we cancel what's happening? What do you mean?


I was like, well, I think there's an invisible library and people are passing away.


I think this is well it was it it wasn't that. It was changing hourly. Yeah. We didn't know where this was going. Right.


And no, you were you believe you don't think it's a hoax. Don't worry. No one thinks that. But you were like at the buzzer. We were at the buzzer kind of talking to each other. And then the next day your whole tour was canceled.


Yeah, I think what it was was we were out there and then as we were out there, people were like canceling or had canceled even before they left.


So I think we I performed that Friday. Did you perform that Friday?


No, I canceled Detroit that Friday because I was getting so many texts for my community. No, about like, you know, and we might have different demographics of like autoimmune disorder people and older people. My mom's in a nursing home and also Detroit is who shut it down, Detroit and Houston. The two markets I was going to they their attorney general shut it down. OK, so because my thing was, let's wait till they do it. So I'm not the asshole.


Yeah, that that was your philosophy.


Yeah, but I did cancel Cherokee and they wanted to do the show. That was a casino. They wanted to do this show. And Baltimore. I'm just putting this on because now you're cold.


No, it's fine. I wait watch what's happening.


And in my case you're just better. It's just that's what I do.


I got another jacket to bring in. A lot happening. Do I have a wardrobe changes? By the way, Paolo is following your problem. Yeah, of course.


How do you know him? He did my Amazon pilot. Oh, he did? Yeah. Great guy.


By the way, I have to mention before I forget, this podcast is one of the few podcasts I came through.


Whitney gives a gift to her guests and the gift has a meaning behind it. And for my daughter, Sarafina, she gave its name, I guessed.


You guessed it, remember when we were in the U.S., remember, we were an art museum downtown and you guessed that you were you guys were pregnant.


This was when we were not real friends, but we were sort of like inherently friends. We were at an exhibit for an art exhibit. Because your wife, Lorna, is an artist.


Do you have this in your calendars that we're pulling up?


Was it the Yuta thing? Yes.


Utøya artist space. Anyway, this is a necklace with the Italian flag from Sicily in the 1920s, and I thought that was extremely thoughtful and especially when you're giving it to my daughter, which is even better. So it was nice and.


Podcasters, I don't know if this has been discussed on your show, but offered to send a vehicle to come get me, which is why is that it's in here.


Oh, just hold it up. Offer to send a vehicle would have offered hair and makeup as well for the ladies. How great is that for Sarafina? I want to know this woman that you get this stuff from the history on this. OK, yeah. Yeah, no, she's going to get it for you. Megan, my first assistant and then a writer on Whitney, is that right? Yeah.


Now, like procurers, items that are necessary to unlock ancestral powers.


So what is this? You've said this three or four times during this conversations, ancestral woody, something that you've recently got into to find behavior patterns of people. What is what's interesting?


My father died. Your father still live? Very much so when my father died. I think something happens where you sort of realize the power of, like your ancestors, the ancestral forces, what you carry, the unresolved emotional problems from what your ancestors endured, their trauma and how they adapted because it imprints on your genes genetically. So it's like all the work that I've been. You know, you saw me at the Comedy Store bombing for years with talking about the female brain stuff, the neurology material that I made a movie about neurology.


And both my parents had strokes.


And, you know, as comedians were professional observers. Right. We're like social anthropologists and I'm always just trying to figure out why people do the shit they do. That's that's all that's our obsession with justice, right? Our obsession with why the fuck would someone make that choice?


And I could explore everyone else's, but I couldn't crack my own. And all the madness you saw in the early days, you know, of me, when I was like sort of asleep, you know, at the Comedy Store, I started realizing I was gay.


I started getting a lot of answers to a lot of the questions I had when I started doing like family constellation work and ancestry exploration of like how epigenetics have imprinted on our genes. And so Italian immigration to America is fascinating for so many reasons. And my connection to it is via West Virginia and the coal mine industry, because a lot of them came as laborers before the unification of Italy from the South. So there was a lot of Italian immigration in Appalachia as well, which is kind of where my ancestry is from your town.


You know, Appalachia, Appalachia is my main kind of ancestry. Texas, Oklahoma.


What you're saying is the connection you had to Italians is through, because my great, great, great great grandfathers weren't coal mines with the town, with Italians. So. Yes. And the pepperoni roll.


Do you know about a pepperoni roll? I know of pepperoni. Roll was basically invented by Italian immigrants in West Virginia because they could last long in a coal mine. Oh, I met a woman.


I met the woman that wrote the book about pepperoni rolls when I went to West Virginia last year.


Like, I'm very into the I'm there and like the gesticulating and the expressiveness and, you know, like that's all from something. And I'm just fascinated at the way that our epigenetic imprinting sort of influences our everyday choices and in the way it expresses themselves. So I'm fascinated by you because I very much feel like in a way, like my grandfather was in a coal mine with Italians and like we're kind of in the store together at that coal mine.


Yeah, we get paid in coal, in little perks of coal. So it makes sense.


By the way, speaking of the Comedy Store, there's a documentary out on Showtime, which you're a big part of. I mean, you have a nice sliver.


In last night's episode, you were you hosted.


You were the star of number one on the call sheet. How was that experience even that?


You know, I didn't. I didn't know what was going on with this documentary. I didn't know if this was just one of these things where on Showtime, Hulu, the Internet, where.


Yeah, I didn't know. I didn't know where. I didn't know there was this much involvement in the documentary. So even even that, I was like, oh, is this what is this? He wants to film? I said, I didn't I didn't really know what was going on with the with the documentary.


So I was a little kind of like I didn't I didn't. Suspicious. Yeah, suspicious. It inherited suspiciousness that you have. Sometimes it works for my benefit and then sometimes it it bites me in the ass.


But it is a superpower that you inherited and is very Italian. Yes it is. And and I'd rather have it than not. Yes. When does it bite you in the ass, things like this, the documentary, you know, being a little bit more open to doing things and not having such a wish, you had done a better job?


No, just a little bit more available.


Like, you know, like but but I think you're a genius at understanding. It's not even conscious, like how your value goes up with the perfect balance of absence and presence that's in your use of silence. You that your inherent genius at that. We had Robert Green on the podcast and he was talking about this like you understand that when you're absent, you're present in a more powerful way. Maybe, maybe.


But as a viewer looking at the documentary, I'm like. You're doing your interview here, and it looked like it was it was like set up here.


Yeah, Rogan's smoking a cigar and like I was like standing in the alley.


Yeah. Can we get this real quick? You know, it was like, what did this interview look like?


It was a three hour thing in Under Armour, a tank top. It's like, what's weight at Equinox? What's up? I think I was the only guy standing doing this interview.


Everybody was like on the way out the door. Yeah. Thank you. And God. So see the Nazi.


But that is your essence. That is so signature, Sebastian. It's so signature, Sebastian, to be like, I'm going to just do the bare minimum. Bare minimum.


Sometimes, though, I would like to give more than the bare minimum. But maybe like you're saying subconsciously, I just it's like an in and out deal. Let's just get this and and and get out.


But it's but it perfectly complements your stage presence in your use of silence and the you know, the bare minimum of saying words of like, you know, you barely say a word on stage in front of twenty thousand people.


Yeah. I guess I guess it's so it's it's a whisper. It's a whisper. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So it's Congress with who you are. Yeah.


But again, I don't want to come off as being some loner that doesn't speak to people. I enjoy the company of people that are that I know I had a party long as they're talented and right now percent not.


No I'm joking. I'm going to my core group of guys. No, you just need your people to vibrate at your feet.


I think I think you are optimal. I think you operate in an optimal way.


Optimal. That's a good way of putting it. You're optimal. I have a small circle of warriors only and only the people that vibrate at your frequency and you have no extraneous trash around you ever energy.


I try to eliminate that and I enjoy having those people over at my home and having parties and whatnot. I really love to entertain. Yeah, I'd really love to entertain. And what is that?


That that is I think comes from the mom. Yeah, our house was the house. Come on. Like we're going to the nightclubs.


All my buddies meet up my house, drink at my house, Roseanne and Salvator, they they sat down at the table and they were part of the group.


Diane and my father and my mother were like the the seventh and eighth friend of the group. They just didn't come out to the club with us. So that I think comes from and working at the Four Seasons Hotel as a waiter.


So I know people listening, probably already know this, but when I started at the Comedy Store, Sebastian was was a waiter, waiter at the Four Seasons Hotel, would leave to come to his spot at the Comedy Store in his uniform and go home.


Yeah, that's why I didn't talk to anybody. I had a table with chicken satay and a margarita.


So is greatness. That's greatness. I mean, that is greatness. Well, that's. Where did the passion come from? What is this? Overnight success, 1:00 in the morning, leaving his job as a waiter or seasons to do fifteen minutes on the staff for fifteen dollars. That is greatness. But that like that, that have you fully processed the magnitude of that? It will make me cry if I really think about it.


I haven't. There's a lot of things I have in process. Yeah. There's a lot of things that I've done or I'm doing. And I haven't really stopped and looked back and said, wow, you know, I think I did it to two summers ago. I actually had a time to, like, pump the brakes and reflect and push what's on your push on the hood.


And and because I think that's a missing for me not to enjoy some of the process, because you're always in it and you're not you're not really enjoying enjoying it.


Did you know this was going to happen for you? I knew there was big things ahead for me.


And that's not being because it's not arrogant, it's not baggy or at all. It's just I remember seeing you and it was like we all knew, you know, you're the only comedian I've ever bought tickets to see. No where. Peterburg, I brought to see you at the Improv in Hollywood.


Oh, that's right. That's right.


I built on tickets to see a comedian and sat in the audience. I brought a group, it was the worst night of my life to be in the audience of a comedy club because I was in the back corner booth, Sebastian's on stage. I didn't realize how loud the knives. Everyone's cutting their chicken.


And I'm like comics talking like I was in the back like a psycho mom because people are talking to the waiter like your Sebastian.


And silence is such a big part of what your art. So I was like freaking out because at the improv, when you're silent, it's just clang, clang, clang, clang, clang.


Forks and forks. Chicken over, I think.


Yeah, I think you had someone you asked them to leave that night. It was like it was also like a weird night. I brought weird energy into your space that you remember that.


Yeah. I bought tickets and watched you do it because I always tell people like you're the comedian that when you're on stage, I'll run in to see what you're doing.


That's very flattering. And I'm glad that I like I like making comedians you to any.


I did that with you. You're the comedian. I would have run out because you started talking about your pussy like pussy and that's it.


Do I have a shift?


I'm going to go volunteer to work at the Four Seasons so I don't have to listen to Whitney talk about anal sex anymore.


No, your stuff the stuff I enjoy most about you is the stuff that I recently heard. Not that I didn't like the stuff before, but I like the observational stuff more than I do like the crass stuff.


And I think that and I was the fact that I did stand up in front of you at that Polestar Awards show that was such an out of body experience.


I was so scared then. I thought that material I thought killed at that it did.


But it is that is very heavily influenced by you, I think. Well, good, I mean, I think it's for for for you where you should be living, because the writing was really smart around all those observations, like it took me four specials to get there.


It took me and maybe this is what I needed to let the audiences give me permission to. It's like I've talk about sex for ten years. Are we good? Can I now just be a guy can I now just do what the guys do, you know, like I've addressed it all. I've squirting and periods and I've done it all. Now can I just be like I feel like I finally am in a place where I get to talk about what guys talk about because I'm neutered or something of neutered myself.


I've gotten to a place where I, I don't have to go to that space. And I also think it's getting older, which is great.


But yeah, no, I mean, there is a joke that I think of you every time I do it. Am I do I plagiarise you? It's the phone book joke.


That's the favorite. They throw it at your house. I mean, that's kind of the Ross for less. You take the shirt off and you just throw it.


No, that's when I heard that. I was like, wow, that's such a it's such a smashing joke.


It's such like I was like upset that I didn't come up with that because it's something I see every year in the phone book. And how the difference because I like I like nostalgia type of humor and how it once was. And I was and that that phone book.


But you can't do till you're older, but you were always old for something.


I was, I was seventy five when I was twenty one. Always.


You were always an old man. It was part of the reason and material works. You could always reminisce because you were always seventy five, always five years old.


Yeah. I don't know what we like.


When we went to school we had to wear newspapers around our feet like you were always an old man.


Yeah, still am. I still have that mentality. Like even now as I'm looking at the change of the guard of what's happening in entertainment and how social media and tock and see throne and all this stuff is now becoming, you know, and I never wanted to be that one guy that doesn't participate in what is going on currently.


I think what we are we're now the elders that are sitting around telling stories. This is like we're recreating the tribal order. That's what this is. Yeah.


I just there's something to be said about like what we went through as stand up comedians and even the comedians before our time of of of working on something day in and day out, a live entertainment being in front of a group of people opposed to being behind a phone at your house doing something.


I mean, it's just it's just entertainment used to be an outlier. Like it used to be something that you didn't get into. You weren't encouraged to get into it. You had to have some type of talent to get into this.


And now it just seems it's it's a lot it's very watered down to me. And I feel like everybody is doing it.


Everyone it's a talent show. Everyone gets to show their whatever their skill is.


I don't even think it's so much skill. It's six or there. Yeah.


It's like I have video home video footage of me doing quote unquote tricks that no one's ever seen that apparently would have been good for the medium.


Now, I'm sure you have video of you and your family doing you think I have a family adorable smash that really does no absolutely nothing.


Oh, I know you have a family. I don't know.


They were all drunk. So that would have actually look like Blair Witch Project. It would look like your podcast.


I, I don't know the intimate details of your family life. I know that there has been some problems there, but. The reference is more words like home video, singing in the mirror, all the stuff we did when we were kids that was private is now out for public consumption, which is fine.


I'm just saying that clearly you're clearly doing great with it.


Yeah, I just I think you have, but I think that it it's it's the same but different. It's exactly the same, but completely different. Like, I don't know if I did this material that night when you were there, because I really did panic that night when I was performing and you were there. I cut a bunch of jokes in my head when you were there, when the comics in the room that you respect, you're really just performing for that comic, is that right?


Well, like, I was at the comedy show with Jerry Seinfeld, and you showed up together like. What happens when you're on stage and Jerry Seinfeld is in the audience versus when you're on stage and he's not in the audience, is there any difference in your performance?


No, I was just working on some stuff that you worked on, new stuff in front of Jerry Seinfeld. Yeah. And then there was some other stuff that I knew that was going to I was doing my set that I always do at the Comedy Store was nothing because you were working on new stuff about like swimming or getting out of the swimming pool.




Learning how to swim. Yeah.


That was new, which is still haven't really worked out yet, but there's no like Jerry Seinfeld.


He's here. You want to do good. It's not like you're going to go there, but it's like everybody knows, every comedian knows that you are going up and try new stuff or you know, it's not like you shouldn't be adjusting in my eyes what you want to do for a show like that. Just because a comedian is in the front row probably lose respect for you.


But if it's a material, actually go and do your thing. Why why would you adjust?


Well, because I it's taken me a long time to delineate the difference between writing for fans audiences and writing for comics. I think the first maybe eight years I was writing for like Ari Shiftier, you know, it's like I was writing for the comics in the back of the room.


To think I was tough, resilient, like it was just like, see me as one of you, how can I neutralize?


I would never that never even crossed my mind make the comics laugh, really.


I always looked at the comic as the author, like, I never laughed.


So that was weird that you were doing that because you failed. I'm laughing more now that you're not.


Yeah, that's the because I'm like an odd I look at everybody as the audience, not like the comedians in the back. I could care less if they're laughing. I just look as the group as a whole.


So I wanted the approval so badly of comedians for so long.


Well, did you felt like you got that by doing what you were doing? Yeah, I think I do have it now and I think I got it because of my work ethic, maybe not necessarily my performing ability, because that didn't come till way later. When I started just copying you. All right, so with all the stuff that's going on with you, with the podcasts, with your TV shows, stand up comedy is. After doing all this, is there a favorite is stand up still your stand up still my favorite?


Yeah, and I think I take breaks between specials like big breaks because I want to make sure that I'm not doing a bad impression of myself, you know? And so I was going to take a break anyway after this last one to kind of just like regroup and make sure I still believed all the things I believed in that like my I was like operating on the most current software because, you know, it's like, you know, I don't do I really think that about man, do I really think that's true?


Is that cheap? Like, I really have to update my software and reevaluate and go like, is that still true? Is that still true? Is that still fresh? Is that still interesting? Is that just a fabricated story that I'm telling myself like and then the pandemic happened. But yeah, I just went out and I did a bunch of shows which. Showtime. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was like I was like, this is that, this is that.


And with the new material I have, which is all for lack of a better word, like clean, it's like so exciting to me because it's the first time I've done stand up and felt like I'm not. Acquiescing in a way or like running from my femininity or trying to like. Neutralize with sex stuff like like I'm not talking about sex at this point, is that agisting thing you can do? But it took me so long to get out of that and to not feel like I know you guys need me to disarm you by saying fuck and whatever, talk about my pussy or, you know what I mean, just to make everyone comfortable.


It's like women. We kind of have to do that just to make everyone comfortable.


And when you do these shows, who is in the audience, who who are performing these these amazing the people, it's distanced.


They show up, they're in their cars. They're it's quite different than birds. But I mean, Burt Krisha's vibe is very, I think, gregarious and more hedonistic than ours. Me and Taylor, like we like talk about our, you know, the self-help books we're reading on Instagram publicly. So we get a very I think more like what's the word like it's not like a party like tailgating vibe. It's I think the kind of person that right now is going to buy tickets, especially at the prices that they're at, which are very high, which I'm very serious about my ticket prices because it's per car and you break it up.


So it's like a ticket. Prices are like two hundred dollars, but it's broken up between four people. So you have to get people that like can organa. I mean, it's a it's an ordeal. You know, it's a lot of rigmarole to come. It's people that, you know, it's already like a what's the word like a pre-set group of people that I think are really like conscious. And, you know, Carol, yeah, they wear masks.


Someone was in masks, like everyone was like prepared. Everyone bought blankets. Like everyone was like optimal. Yeah.


You know, yeah. It's just I want to hear these stories because I just don't know where comedy is going after this or it's going to come back in a even bigger way. Yeah, you're going to come back.


And the outdoor thing, it's weird because I always was so against outdoor. I never did festivals. I was never the like South by Southwest Bumbershoot fucking Kluster fest person. Like, I just like I did those a couple of times, but I always hated doing comedy outdoors because I associate it with like competing with concerts and shit. But they figured out the sound and they have these giant monitors. People are kind of used to prefer to look at screens anyway at this point because they're so conditioned.


I mean, for performers like I'm going to put myself in your category. Sorry, but like, you're so visual anyway. You need screens to amplify your face for the last row anyway.


You're already using screens.


I mean, the key is the camera guy that's shooting you and making sure that he's we did have a little bit of a trip up in Denver where I was watching Taylor sets and I was watching her do better on her jokes, weren't getting what they deserved. And I realized that the camera guy was just cutting at the wrong times, you know, so getting the camera guys to cover you properly because you're basically like kind of shooting a special that only airs one night.


So they have to cut it the right times. But you need to zoom in on your face anyway. I think it's going to be outdoor on giant screens. What's wrong with that?


Nothing's wrong with it, but it's just outdoors tends to give you a what you love to tan. That's perfect.


Listen, start doing noon show.


Yeah. Vegas was good.


Vegas is great. That was your first performance in eight months. Yeah. So they did one ounce or two outside and two inside. So inside was better just because I think is better. Enjoy it and indoor to sound. Yeah.


And well I mean this might actually be a 180 or three sixty really. I mean that's not my strong suit. I'm a woman from us performing outside at a polo match in Dubai. On a fountain, was that a was that at the Four Seasons we were on a I don't know how you how you remembered us.


We were on a I have pictures. We were on a platform and there was a we were performing there was a polo match behind us in front of us.


The fountain was going off.


I mean, we had to dodge the the dancing fountain.


I mean, I remember seeing you up there having doing your cross for the last bit. Like dodging fountain.


Yeah. Yeah. Connollys that made four outside.


Just not the sound system. Seven and the sound is great. Fine. I'm just saying the intimacy of this thing says the man that plays twenty thousand feet. I get it.


I get it. And even that as a rule. Yeah. So I'm looking for places that have roofs.


Staples Center as long as it's. Yes. So I don't know. It's just interesting time right now. I kind of don't I've been concentrating on other things other than stand up comedy, but movie TV show things that I didn't have time to do touring.


But I know you don't have a passion for TV, as you say.


I don't it's it's it's not like I got to get my own show.


You have your own show? Yeah, I yeah. We have our own show. We take it on the road. Yes. So in order for me to take it and stay home, it's got to be really, really good. And I have to really I don't want to do twenty six whatever is so I was small that small batch.


Small batch. Yeah.


I want to, I want to do, I like doing acting and making people laugh in that form. But as a trap Irishman was really, really fun to do.


I had a lot of anxiety doing that and I.


How are you not so scared.


I was, I was frightened. I didn't sleep for two nights prior to doing the first scene. I didn't know, you know what? I just did. I don't know that world. I don't know movies. I've done a few, you know, come in one day and like us, just like since I like another.


I made reference.


Tag small. Yeah. You've been in small movie small. Nothing, nothing big. But then the Irishman was one of the biggest movies that I've ever been in and playing with DeNiro and Paci the first day is is a little daunting. So I.


But they're fans of yours. I don't, I don't even know that. I don't, I don't know anything going in. I don't know if they know I'm a comedian.


You don't know, you just don't like the guys at this level. You don't know.


But they're in all of what you do. That's what's so wild is when you walk up to your heroes and they're like. Because what we do standing in front of 20 thousand people and talking for an hour. That is the scariest thing to even the people you look up to. It could be daunting. To look at what we do and go, wow, that is I could never do that or whatnot, but everybody has there are fears.


My fear is going in. Yeah, that's yeah. That's real. And going.


I don't know how you do this with a guy with this thing. And this is supposedly supposed to be acting like we're at the Copacabana and we have to do it 40 times the same way in front of the same people.


But they've heard us do it already. That's that's when stand ups go into acting.


The whole magic of standup is your everyone. You're surprising everyone. They're hearing it for the first time. And then you go into acting and you do it once and they say, OK, great, do it 30 more times. You're like, but everyone knows what I'm going to do. Yeah.


Did you feel that way on your TV show? Were like, OK, you're in the live studio audience, OK? We said, I'm going to do it again. Did you feel the pressure to do it a little different, maybe a nuance or something to give the people a different look at it?


It's interesting because, like, it took me a while to figure out the difference between performing for the audience and performing for the camera. And Marty Connor, who directed my second and third standup special, who's a genius, I'm so grateful. He was like, you're doing it for the camera, not for the audience in house.


So, you know, my first special, like, I was like screaming because I wanted the person in the last row to hear me.


But the people watching at home through the camera, they don't need all that. They can hear you. They have a whatever Blu ray thing.


That's maybe the hardest I've ever laughed.


The Commodore, was you trying out your Blu ray ship?


My Blu ray. Blu ray. Blu ray. You don't remember that you had a Blu ray bit. It has the Blu ray. Did you never end up putting that in special? No. Oh, I remember you won the Commodore one night.


And we're like the Blu ray guys have a Blu ray or Blu ray at the Blu ray. You just said Blu ray like 16 times in a row. There's like Blu ray, Blu ray so low.


It was like you, like, short circuited and just said Blu ray. It was hilarious. Oh, but I remember some of the like. I have so many there's so many iconic moments of you at the Comedy Store just killing four other comics. When we were in the back of the room of you walking on the airplane and your bag holds a banana, I you don't remember that.


You sure this is my sense is one hundred percent. Oh, no. You came on. You were like the people that chewing gum, the TSA guy chewing gum. And that went in a special. Right. The TSA guy chewing gum. No.


What do you remember?


Not the. But you're doing your thing thing in the bars. Oh, the guy. Oh yeah. That comes out put take out your laptop. Yeah. That one in a special. But is it is the banana thing that you went on the plane and you were like people have all these bags.


Oh yeah. Because I, you know, I have a bag if it's a banana. Yeah.


Small banana. Yeah.


I didn't put that picture out a little like a construction worker from the twenties with like a pail and a little sack with a stick with a sack on the back.


Yeah. No I, I have so many vivid memories of, of you at the Comedy Store working on material that maybe just never made it. Something about that place where you do stuff and it just it just it could have it one night. Yep. And then you forget about it. That's why I started recording the sets, because my memory shot. I can't even remember what the hell I'm doing up there anymore on a multicam.


It's like it's so I don't know how interesting this is to people, but I think for me it's like there was so much hate and negativity and bias with people. People have at the time that I did that, multicam people were so. Multichannels weren't cool. They were popular, but they weren't cool, and the word laugh track got in the zeitgeist and people started thinking that it was a laugh track, which is so ironic because the show that I did with Chris D'Elia, two girls, Chuck Lories, shows they all had live studio audiences.


But the shows that actually had laugh tracks like How I Met Your Mother, no one ever came for, you know, so I was super.


So what happens when you're shooting a live studio audience is if I say a joke, Sebastian's here, whatever give you know, whatever joke, joke, joke. They laugh. If I do the same joke again, they're going to anticipate the laugh and laugh a little sooner and it's going to be fake. So that's why I always have tons of alts on show night just to sort of trick the audience so that the real audience would laugh later so that it would sound fake.


So you'd have to fake out the audience so they'd sound real Zosyn and you got to take the microphones out of the audience, which I didn't know until later.


But I like doing in front of the I mean, it's interesting are are sort of antipathy towards multichannels now because it's like that's what we all grew up on, Seinfeld and Cheers. And that's even what the next generation grew up on, the what sort of Waverly Place and Duke and Josh and Josh and Drake and whatever the fuck all the Nickelodeon shows. But at the time it was like the office, community, Parks and Recreation. All those shows were like the sort of Harvard Lampoon Cool Kids group were like, you don't get to sit with us, you're mainstream.


You're trying too hard to get their approval. And I'm like, yeah, I'm trying really hard. I mean, that was the thing about me. I was like, she's ambitious and she's a tried too hard. And she it's like, yeah, I'm trying really hard to make people laugh.


I'm not being like, I'm going to do my Harvard jokes and you can take it or leave it. I don't need your approval. Like I'm like I need your approval. And I think that desperation was really unattractive to people because it was on such a mass scale. And from a woman like that neediness, you know, you've never had that kind of neediness.


No, I. I just remember when you had that show, you literally were everywhere.


I remember. I remember ubiquitous.


Look that up.


Yeah. I mean, the promotion and your face was literally everywhere. I was like, wow, it's unbelievable.


But were you like this is what did you think we were like? Oh no.


I was like, this is this is great because I was I had blown I go and I asked her if she wanted to do a five minute comedy blend.


Central sleep on, super deluxe on see. So I'm good. I got her spot on MySpace.


What an idiot. But. Did you ever wear you like oh, no, I was I was I didn't know what it's like. You got a TV show, so you root for other comics when not when. I was earlier on when other comics got things that I wanted or felt I deserved, I would get very jealous. And and I remember going back to the Comedy Store after that, it kind of all happened. And I felt like I had worked so hard to fit in there and like build a family there and get everyone to, like, love me.


And then I felt like I was triggering to them and that I lost that for a little while. Yeah.


But I think I remember seeing you there and I don't remember you being the person I knew prior to that. I felt like you were under an immense amount of stress and I think you were going through some stuff with your family. Maybe I just knew that you seemed a little bit out of sorts.


How was your experience when you made your sitcom pilot? I I love seeing on your Instagram now.


So weird.


Oh, yeah, I, I love that. It's like airing now. It's out and doing bigger ratings than it would have if it had gotten picked up.


I said here to separate out your sitcom pilot that didn't get picked up on your Instagram now. Wild's, I had it, I said, why not? Lovatt It was it was it was it was a lot of work. Which I I love work, but, you know, coming from stand up and doing what I want to do when I want to do it to, you know, a lot of people, a lot of people giving their opinions and whatnot, which is fine.


I'd like to collaborate, but it just it wasn't the right network to do fit for the network and myself wasn't I don't think. Right. But I had a good time doing it. I met a lot of great people and. The fact that we are sponsored by hope is such a big deal, the fact that it took me this long to become a professional athlete is really it's I mean, it's about time. I just I know I've said this before, but when such an amazing product is available, it just makes me angry that I haven't had it my whole life.


The amount of time and the amount of time I've wasted, like beating myself up over not knowing how my workout was or like, I don't know how many calories I just burned running so I could do another run tonight. Like just like for someone who is a perfectionist like me, like I just need to know I don't care what the truth is, just tell me the truth so that I can act accordingly. Yeah.


That's how I feel because I feel like I would work out or do things and I'd be like, this isn't doing anything, it's not doing anything for me.


Stories I like fully walk on the treadmill for 20 minutes while drinking a Slurpee and be like, I just had a good workout or I'll like go on a three hour hike and be like I worked out that like I just know I always feel like I'm not doing anything.


And then the band will be like, OK, but actually you did better than yesterday. And I was like, did I know?


Am I amazing? You know, it's just the truth. It's like it's a way to Google yourself without it tells me to go to sleep.


I think it's like a good Google of your. Yeah, yeah. Google alert of the stuff you it's like, you know what, yesterday you did good, but today you did great.


You're going to sleep a little extra because you earned it. And I'm like, I do need to sleep extra.


It's like the way you described it was the best. It's a personal trainer, a life coach, a psychiatrist. That's everybody.


And the Internet, it's a full sports team of coaches and cheerleaders is everything you would need to say.


Motivated times. I worked on Joe Rogan. It's waterproof, by the way, when I wear this Joe Rogan, I was like trying to stimulate with this hand to impress him.


Like, I got to open like you were like as an athlete.


I was like, it's like the way some women show off their engagement ring. Like, I have my weapon like no feel I have a spend time together. I slept so well.


I really do think that if you're guys are listening to this, you're probably firing us. But I do think there should be some kind of like if you're dating someone like, can I see your Wubin stats that you would do?


Save me a lot of time. Weekly monthly performance reports tells you how your lifestyle decisions are impacting your sleep recovery and training. You might find that alcohol really hurts your recovery and that melatonin really improves your sleep. A ton woop is highly personalized.


So, I mean, it literally says in the ridiculous amounts of information, it's a ridiculous amount of information. It truly is. I mean, it tells you so much right now.


We're so stressed out about so many things. It takes the stress off of wondering God.


And, you know, when people come in like, oh, like every time you ask someone how they are, they are going to say they're tired. It's just like I just said, my report. It's just a habit.


Like, I'm so tired. It's like, OK, well, we got I slept eight hours. It's like, well, why are you tired then? It's just like, let me see your score. You're not that tired. Stop complaining. Yeah.


I mean it shows you a coffee. I'm so tired. Go to sleep describing yourself. I literally it was a spy tells me everything about like your heart rate and everything which I find very helpful because I introduced respiratory rate.


Yeah. Whoa. An increase in respiratory rate could be an indication of illness before you start to feel any which is helpful. So you go by respiratory rate is a little bit different. Maybe I should go get activity. Yeah, maybe I should maybe have a sinus infection. Whitney Cummings helpful for me because I thought I was a ghost all this time because I turns out take I don't take my own data valuation of myself seriously.


I'm like I have a I feel like my heart is beating kind of fast. I whatever. I'm probably just nervous, like all downplay it.


But the band is like, nope, OK, I guess I'm going to back and my heart beats fast like that's what it's like to be alive. Get that checked. Oh no.


That's what it's like to be around me because you're in love with boobies offering 50 percent off right now with the code. Whitney, check out, go to Woop, Woop, Dotcom and Whitney and check out to say 15 percent, sleep better, recover faster and train smarter. Optimize your performance with Wuk today. Well, we talk about better help a lot on this show. It's a good fit, it's a good fit, and it's a good fit, we both need it.


They basically one just sort of like how the sausage is made. You know, people like the ad sales people come to us, they're like, which companies do you want to work with? And it's like better help. That's that's the perfect fit for us.


Anything with help in the title we need better help is great, especially in the holidays, because the holidays can bring up a lot of trauma drama and can flama for people and better help. You can log online, you can just log right in and talk to a therapist before you see your family, your mother in law, your mom, your dad, you just talking about it is making my heart rate better help though.


Both match with a licensed professional inner child is waking up and ready to cry in a licensed professional under 48 hours.


You can be talk about it that I don't like to just keep reading ads as if the listeners hearing it or the viewers like for the first time we've talked about better health before. You know what it is online professional therapists you can reach with and have a therapy session. But from anywhere, any time, any time, you know what it is.


But what if someone hasn't gotten it yet? What do you say to them?


I would say, once again, the holidays are coming up and you better log on.


By the way, New Year's. Don't be fighting over eggnog, OK? Don't cry over the marsh. Don't ruin yams.


Don't ruin Christmas because you want to talk to somebody going to drop the family gravy boat and your aunt is going to have a conniption because she's a day drunk. But that's not in. You're going to think it's your fault and it's not. Everyone's going to go back to being five years old in their ancestral home. It's going to come up and you're going to you know, you're going to look everyone's family has issues.


Everyone's family has a problem for the solution.


You're going to try to talk to the crazy person. And that's that means you're insane doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result when you can just go, you know what?


It's not my family. I'm not going to blame them. I'm going to get the help that I'm going to do. I'm going to go to better help and scheduled appointment by Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner or whatever, holiday dinner or whatever you celebrate.


I don't care is at five, I'm going to go in the cart for take this call. I'm going to have to come back in and I can help make the gravy. I'm going to equip myself with the tool of let me release all my resentments to someone else so I don't take it out on my mom, who quite frankly doesn't have the tools. She didn't have better health.


And then you can come back in and radically forgive her. Yes.


Don't bully her with all your freakin.


She made you cranberry sauce, you monster.


You just wants to love you. And you feel criticized, you feel attacked by her love, but not better help a better help your folks think it through and start getting the help you need, then no resentments, no jealousies, no passive aggressive shit.


So don't wait.


You can go right now, but it is off. You visit better help. Com water off a duck's back because it better have dot com slash waiting. It's better yelp and join the over one million people taking charge of their mental health with the help of an experienced professional. In fact, so many people have been using better help that they are recruiting additional counselors in all 50 states. Special offer for good for you listeners. Get 10 percent off your first month and better help dot com slash Whitney.


I think what's happening, the pandemic is like we lost sports and things in sports went away, it was like people have this need to drag people. It's like the Roman, the very Italian, the Colosseum. You know, like we there is a very intense tradition of the schadenfreude. I like the humans need to watch other people be humiliated and embarrassed. And it's like how we gather information of how other so that we can not do that, you know, like we like our dopamine, like reward circuits fire up.


It's like when you drive by a car crash, you have to love because you have to see what they did is a survival mechanism. So I think that what's happened in the pandemic with cancer culture getting particularly intense sports went away. So now it's like, how are we going to do, you know, about Calcio storico in Florence? Chill, chill.


This is a I how do I know more about history than you because you don't want what you went to a school that that you actually left with information.


Right. I was talking to my wife about this. Like when I went to college, I didn't leave, would not. Then I went to the classes.


I think that even my parents paid for my college. So I didn't leave with a debt or anything like that. But I didn't leave with knowledge.


I left with I was the president of my fraternity and I was. Yeah.


Now, that is shocking to me. What fraternity? Sopi. What what is it?


What does that mean? I don't know. And I don't know what sigma. I have no idea. Oh no clue. I didn't ask what what's the brand of that sorority fraternity.


I know nothing about Greek life.


The brand of like what of people are in every fraternity has like a flavor, a brand, a vibe.


This was like the Hugo Boss of fraternities was like the Amelio Zegna.


This was like there was the five Sig's who were the guys who were very preppy, going to get a really good job out of college.


Got it. Trust fund kids. Yeah. Cockies, you know. Yeah.


We were great rapists. No. Yeah. Brett Kavanaugh. Got it. We were. You wanted you want to go dancing. You go to our house because we would be down there like literally being my buddy George. Dancing to what. Just we had a dance party.


OK. Yeah.


Like after hours they called and we were if you wanted to go dance, we were the fraternity sugar ray just blasting just on and not call it Mr. Vaine.


I was like bugs because I missed a vein.


I know what I want it. I want it now.


I want you to our jam. So I believe that's black. But is that black sleeve. So yeah.


You see the post on your Instagram for me. OK, black box.


Yeah. So and then it's very stressful.


So I think you have to have really engage your core. I mean you have to have abs to really dance.


That's like I love that just one giant khiel that song.


Yeah. My, my fraternity. No one wanted to be the fraternity fraternity president and I stepped in because I, I didn't want to, I don't like to see things fall apart. And I used the chapter meetings as somewhat of a of a like a stage and audience. What are you looking up with?


Sigma Sigma Pi is the only national honor fraternity in existence. Phi Sigma Pi is unique. Phi Sigma Pi does not detract from other existing organization. It complements our members tend to be some of the most involved students on campus.


Yeah, that was the other fraternity. That was a month.


Oh Sig pi look that side pi you're going to see.


So yes, this is the skin tag of Pi Sigma, my little offshoot Pi. OK, by the RNC, the first thing that comes up is the sigma by a real fraternity.


Sigma by. No I think this is the same one founded in eighteen ninety seven at the Senate's University Sigma Pi, over 230 chapters with a one hundred eleven currently active. Headquartered in Nashville. Did you read any of the paperwork that's the president? I don't remember. That's the president of this fraternity.


What can you tell me? I could tell you a handshake, OK?


Is it. Oh, the websites is dot net. That can't be good. Just kidding. Is it is a dog the owl.


Owl, it's an owl, is that the is that it is that the. This is a Boy Scout troop pedophile. It was the change, the mascot, it was an owl. I was there.


I think it was a great dance, which is Brett Ernst on roller skates. Oh, God, yeah, it's just Ritalin and Zema, your dance party guys. Yeah, so I was the dance. The dance fraternity. Yeah, but it was a good experience for me. I got to I got to like, be in charge of like 90 guys. Is it.


What's that light like. What's that like. Like what is a fraternity do for guys school.


So my reason I was a.. A fraternity when I got there I was like I ain't doing this connotation of the fraternity being like, you know, an animal house. And I'm like, I'm not doing that. But I went to a school in Northern Illinois University, which is an hour from where I lived. It was called a suitcase college because it's so close to Chicago. People went home on the weekends.


So social life, you really had nothing going on if you didn't belong to grow. So me and a few guys I met in the dorms decided to pledge second semester.


I had a one point two grade point average out of four one point two grade point average.


My first semester at school, my my roommate at the time was a nudist.


I had no idea he had been killing it on Instagram right now. Finally, the world caught up to his skill set.


So anyway, I join this fraternity as best thing I ever done because I met some great friends and we had a great time. I mean, something back then. We all. What are you paying for your.


That's so Italian. What fraternity? A brotherhood of man. A pack of men. Yeah, the kissing on the mouth.


I'm not that Italian. I know, but what is that.


I don't, i it's I, I, I don't hate it because it's the most masculine but also they because they lean into their feminine. Isn't that interesting.




I didn't grow up with a lot of Italians, but Italians like they can wear jewelry, they can kiss each other on the mouth, men can hang out with men and it's not gay or bitch.


There's you know, I mean, this is fascinating to me.


Isn't that every culture? I mean, men hang out with men and it's not misconstrued.


Oh, I mean, in America, you can only hang out with other men if you're watching men fight each other on TV or if you're watching, I mean, maybe not at your house, but like, if guys want to hang out, like once time you got a guy's number to hang out in America, oh, hey, can I get your number?


What do you do with someone if you meet a new guy friend?


I met a new guy friend recently where and we all golf. You have to do a sport together in Italy. They just sit around and gossip like women.


Yeah, I don't think you find a lot of like come on over and hang out on my couch. Although, you know, you know, Mike Young is a good guy for that.


He comes over and we just have your comics. You get to work.


Yeah, no, I mean, listen, there isn't really a hey, let me get your number and go out for a cup of coffee, but you did it to another Italian guy.


Give me your number. What are we doing? Give me a kiss. You just start making out. Am I wrong?


No, I think I think you're right in the sense that in Italy that that's in the culture. It's baked into the culture.


There's a feminine and there's a there's a lot of feminine attributes are channeled by men.


And it's not gay or bitch or is is getting a cup of coffee necessarily feminine?


It depends on the cup and the kind and the wear and the context. Asking a guy to get a cup of coffee, that's a date. I don't think so here, it's if you ask my producer to get a cup of coffee. You're together. No. So what now? I go, hey, you want to go grab a tequila? That's that's cool. Coffee, no good tequila, I'm not getting any time you went on a coffee date with to this is we don't I never really did that.


Yeah, but in Italy, you walk by groups of men.


You know, there's something about cultural behaviour.


Men in Italy lean on other men and have networks of met. This is a giant generalization. Generalizations paid for my house. Stick with me. But it's like I just I'm fascinated by the men that come from Italian ancestry and they're ostensibly feminine qualities in America. Gesticulating, cooking, talking, kissing on the mouth, connecting, trusting, keeping secrets. These are all like pathologies, just like trickey female qualities in Western culture, cooking.


Women belong in the kitchen that men in Italy can cook. Yeah.


So having someone over, for example, to my home. Entertaining, serving. Yeah. That's, that's I don't, I don't look at that as female Western born men I think do the woman.


That's the woman's job in the West. Yeah, well, I know I never looked at it that way, it's a feminine, traditionally feminine in the West behavior. Do you look at a man that does that as having some feminine qualities, not if they're Italian, that serious, so they're Italian, it's hot.


So it's got you got to be Italian in order to put on a skinny white guy from Silverlake starts cooking for me. I'm like, I cannot fuck you now.


You work for me. It's human. I mean, it's like I'm saying, let's order post-paid or at least Jesus.


Oh, my God.


It's an Italian. Men can do it. I have permission and can get away with that.


I think I think it's could be European heavily.


I'm going to say your opinion. Close your opinion.


Heavily geared towards Italian men, Italian men providing is masculine American men providing is you're a bitch. What is it? What do you call your whipped? The women serve you and there's a the way that Italian men treat their women is so different, the respect. Well, I mean, some would disagree and say Italian men generally are, you know, Playboys and Lothario.


Yeah, but but but not in a creepy rapey way.


No, I mean, you know, listen, nothing makes me feel sexier than an Italian man flirting with me. Listen, Italian people in general, yeah. Our very magnetic to be around, I mean, just going out with Italians. Yeah, there's always this passion. Yeah, I think it's a passion.


Yeah. Where some cultures don't have passion, just it's. Yeah, yeah.


Vanilla and yeah. We're in it.


So intense. So emotional. Yeah. How did you propose like there was a hot air balloon. I mean like it's like everything's got to be big.


My wife is not one for surprise. I can't surprise her. Yeah. And since I can't surprise her, I did it in a way where it was very in the course of the evening.


Oh, I her family is very regimented in going out to dinner and and scheduling.


So when we're at dinner with her family, we're talking about what time is breakfast.


That's how they want to plan it out.


Where I come from, a family, we're at lunch and that will believe in the dinner. All right.


Just because we're so there's so much talking and whatnot.


So long story short, her family were at her her parents house. Her stepdad and mother were waiting for us in the car. And as we were walking out, I had the ring behind the a little coffee machine.


How long do you have the ring before? How long were you able to. I had it for a month. Hide it from me. I knew I was going to do it in to me.


That's like every man gets to be like an undercover spy when they have an engagement ring because you're just spending.


Right. A lot of movement. Yeah. Where do you hide it?


I just sit it behind this coffee machine.


The whole nonono I had it, I had it in a suitcase with me. I had it inside me.


I swallowed it. Where was it for the whole month.


Oh I had it, it was in my dressing room and my closet took it to Florida.


We were going I go listen, I got something to tell you the other there and I drop to a knee and I proposed she was like, oh my God, we got to go to dinner.


I was like, because her family, her family is the type.


If you ain't down at seven o'clock, the beeping call, where are she was she didn't want to upset her family.


I get in the car, we got she's like, we got engaged.


I go, Yeah, I wanted to have like a moment up there, you know, like a like a you know, it was like.


Nothing. And then she you know, she's definitely in the car.


She was just like she's like that.


She's like my my wife is so kind and thoughtful. And she we had a conversation, private conversation yesterday about her kindness, sometimes biting her in the ass. And she's always worried about what other people are going to think. Co-dependent. Yeah. Yeah.


So, yeah, but he wrote a book about it, wrote a book about and heard about it. What's a book. I'm fine. And other lies pretending he's not a fan. Listen, listen.


Writing a book enjoyable. No.


You wrote to me every day for a year. No ghostwriter.


You wrote it. Yep. You wrote the book. Yes. Well yes. Who's going to write a book for a comedian?


Yeah, I use a ghostwriter. I don't I can't write. You're having a ghostwriter write a book right now. Yeah, well, you're going to. Well, it's not a ghost writer there. Why don't they just transcribe what you say? Yeah, OK.


You just have too much money. No, no.


I rather I rather tell the story story because. Yes, it'll it'll take you out of it if you're writing while thinking. Yeah. I think that makes sense for you because you're so emotional and like your stream of consciousness like. I I'm a I'm like a writer, a first year, like a visual performer doing I mean, yeah, I think it suits you, it would slow you down.


I mean, it was like I'm writing even when it's not for anything, it's just like that's just how I process. It would take me longer to tell someone a story than it would be to just write it myself.


OK, so. But don't you think sometimes with a ghostwriter or a someone else in the room would they would ask questions of you that you might have not thought of many personalities that chime in.


But that's this is you work with this? Oh, that's interesting, because the questions prompt. You are not what the reader would be thinking.


Yeah. She's challenging you to go. Oh, how did you feel about when your father died?


No, but I have feelings, so I would already do that. I already know how I feel. I would already think I would not. It's all feelings. Yeah, but but not every question is explored, yeah, no, mine is the opposite. Mine is like you've been talking about your feelings for five chapters. Where did this happen? Mine would be the inverse of yours. I lost you. Yeah, so you just said, how did you feel about it?


The only thing I write about is how I feel. It's the logistics that I would leave out, OK? The listeners get it. I'm not saying they lost you. As I say, I'm not saying that that maybe I'm losing something by not writing down, feeling only, you know, your strength.


Well, I'm so fascinated. What is it with your feelings? Like you just don't talk about them, government or therapist?


I have twice different ones, you know, just the same one twice. Yeah.


Um. Listen, can I can I be a little bit more can I improve?


Yes, that is a real long goal for a podcast. Wet the lips a little.


But this is just come off a six mile job. Guess what? I'm over here measuring out my steps.


This one is doing a half a half a estancia and the microphone.


So I just do I'm white trash. This is my God, I'm used to I just need a hose.


I'm literally just, you know, so I only be twice and like it's not like you need it or anything.


I'm fascinated by your ancestry, where you come from and men in general, like like like it seems like you're very close to your emotions.


Yeah, yeah, yeah.


I'm very close to my emotions. I'm a little too emotional I think, but I'm very kind of. Why are you sanitizing your hand. You know what? I felt like an hour in. You got you got all started.


What if you need to hand spray. That's germophobia spray if you need it for you. This is your own line. No, no, no, no.


Judy, Judy, Santa time working on my skincare line, we are working on that.


That's good.


That's what you should that's happening.


I know you, Sebastian, that it's I want to talk about the times that I have been lucky enough to be so fortunate as to have you approached me at the Comedy Store. It's happened two or three times. I mean, if Sebastian initiates a conversation with you at the Comedy Store, like that's when I knew I had made it.


Oh, God. So instead of, like, tolerating you, tolerating your existence, if he's like, come here.


I'm like, oh, like I have something to say. And it was I think that was the first time we really talked.


Sebastian was like, where it's gone. I said, we don't your skin is going, yeah, yeah. I was fascinated with the skin, the skin care. And now Lahner is because that's a line I go Yes with. She's got it dialed in.


Yeah. Yeah. She's got, she's got diamonds on packages now are all for me at this point.


I'm not, I'm not into what you're sending.


Why not threatened that I can provide more for your wife than you can not threaten at all.


Just look up feeling abandoned. No I don't like escalated this way. I've made your wife feel ways that you have ever made her feel.


Not at all hurts. Nertz just bought your daughter the best presidential ever receive and hurts a little bit that I'm a better father than you.


Oh my God.


I don't like anything other in the refrigerator other than food. That's basically it.


I know my creams go in the fridge, the creams go in the fridge.


I know my wife is doing it. I mean, I when we go to sleep she's like, you got to try this. I it's that's something. The smaller we rolling. She tried that.


We ain't doing this. Yes we are. Yes we are. Oh yes. No that ain't a good feeling.


She did one really set has this lighting saying that everyone's this generous to their gut.


Oh by the way is clear here. Whatever you're doing here. And like I said, it's is it the lighting or the cameras? It's all you just don't because you pop.




I don't do the guy my producers to just liquidate.




You know, your facial regimen was it was extremely intense because you you when you knew me back in the day, I, I probably looked thirty eight then and I probably look twenty five now. Yeah.


How has having a daughter changed you and your understanding of women. I'm having kids in general has changed me, but having a daughter for me, I had a problem with.


Women know with her not giving me the attention at first because it was all my mom was her first word mom and my son's first word is bull.


But. It's amazing the connection, at least in this situation between and it's with my son, too, my my wife breastfeeds and that it's another layer. So I felt completely third male. Yeah, I so much so. I had to take a walk around the block, gather my thoughts and going, when is it become daddy's little girl?


Because Daddy really, you know, was always mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy and always would run to her and this and that.


Now we're starting to see that you showed her you on the television yesterday and she showed an Irishman like we now see, she got that.


No, I didn't have no clue.


But we this pandemic, if there is a silver lining, has given me the opportunity to spend time with my kids that I would never have had had because I had been on the road. Not that I don't want to. I was just I was touring. Yeah, but, you know, it's it's.


It's put it this way, kids have definitely made me more of a patient man was not patient. I'm still not patient.


Yeah, but with kids, it's it's just a whole different game with them. Just so enjoyable. A lot of work.


Also something that I heard via Brennan, via Jerry Seinfeld that actually made me I think I've always known I was going to have kids I didn't know and what iteration or how I'm going to do it or whatever. But I was I was like I could adopt or I could whatever. It's like I rescue dogs. Like, isn't having my own kid kind of like getting a dog from a breeder, a dog, you know, like I always sort of.


But I heard that Jerry Seinfeld said every time your kid runs up to you, it's like they say that you laugh the hardest you've ever laughed. And then they walk away and come back and he's just like, it's the hardest I've ever laughed. It's also they're just so funny.


Yeah, they're really funny. They're really funny. It's great. It's great. I would highly recommend and this is what I want you to do and this is what I see for you is.


Falling in love and getting married and starting a family in that order, I just think and I'm speaking from my own experience, having the joy, sharing the joy of raising kids with lots of money.


Sorry, a man. A man, a man that I love. Yeah, I, I it's. I'm all about family, yes, I grew up in a nice family. They got divorced later on in life, but I grew up in a fun family. And there's there's a part of me that wants to have my kids grow up the same way I grew up. But obviously it's different. But sharing that with someone that you love, I think is is there's no replacement for it.




I mean, there's nothing worse than the wrong person and there's nothing better than the right. Yes. Yes.


You know, I mean, I'm not knocking people and I don't know if you were talking about just adopting a kid and you just doing solo, I could do that for the third one or the you know, I could do that like I mean, I learned by one later, you know.


Yeah, but it's just for me, I'm running out of standup material or if I need Instagram likes, I'll get a kid later. Why not brand it? Make me likable and relatable.


I think it's it's when your parents got divorced. Was that hard? Yeah. How old were you.


What am I. Forty seven. So it was around 30. Wow. Wow.


I don't think I really have talked to anyone that went through that as like an adult. Yeah, that was tough. I didn't expect it. That's the that's the problem. I, I looked at my family as what I want.


I want that relationship.


I want my mother and father's relationship to always laughing. This is great. It's unbelievable.


And then it fell apart.


And then I always thought I would call my house and my mom was gone.


They wanted to talk to your son. Now I'm doing two phone calls, you know, two separate phones.


So it's just like a hassle. Your phone bill, it's your minutes. They're worried about you. And I am worried also. This is now on phones look like anymore.


So I was the one who does this. Yeah.


Like, I don't know, like this is like so, so sick pie.


Yeah. So it was very, very tough.


It was like having like your sort of paradigm like crush. Yeah. And you know, now you know my mother's seventy five, she lives out here, she's been out here for probably about nine years and it's great.


But you know, obviously an ideal world I would like my parents to enjoy back together.


Well enjoy, you know, the grandkids as a whole rather than a separate. So but it's all it's all good.


And then have you and Lorna like what it's like what do you really fight about? Like, because it's like I feel like. It's it's so fun to watch, you're like she takes forever getting in the car and I'll be right back in, there was baggage. It's like nothing is funnier to me than those sort of like. But that's endearing to you. Was there ever any like this is a real difference.


No back flips down the stairs was that every instance of that is the monkey, the clutter like.


Was there ever anything that was like. Because I'm fascinated by the things that bother us in relationships and then when it's the right person, all of a sudden it doesn't bother you anymore. It's actually cute and charming.


Yes. But I mean, let's be real here. There's going to be things that your boyfriend, your husband, wife do that is not in line.


Maybe because my problem is I can't like I can't I can't let something go. I can't compromise. And I don't know if it's because it's just not the right person. If it was the right person, I'd be fine with it. Or if I really need to be not settling this hard, I don't let things go.


So I don't think that I mean, that's just but there was no deal breakers with Lonna, there was no like no, you know, is different as we are. It's religion. We're not super religious. So it doesn't really come into play raising the kids. Yeah, that's hasn't really been something that.


How much do you lie to the kids in terms of Santa. Like what? Like have you had any conversations about like what we tell them tooth fairy. Are we hook, line and sinker and all that.


Santa Claus is Santa Claus.


There's no like explaining who Santa Claus is, but there's no you're getting up in the middle of night and making the note.


What do you want to do? You lying to yourself? What are you, one of these? You're lying to your kids. I'm just curious. I'm curious. They're going to be lied to their entire life by people. What Santa Claus is all of a sudden harming the kid.


And we live in a democracy. Same thing. I'm fascinated by what this next generation is going to do differently. What are you going to do differently than your dad?


Listen, not a lot. Not a lot of I love you's around the house growing up.


Not that I didn't. I knew they loved me, but it wasn't mentioned.


Yeah, not the whole generation. Yeah, it just didn't.


Yeah, I didn't say it. Yeah. We say it more now than we did growing up, but like do make eye contact while doing it.


Is that under your breath.




It's just wasn't something. In the norm, like my sister is my best friend, I couldn't tell you the last time I told her I loved her. I mean, it's been said in moments of despair or moments of like. I you know, like I love you, but like, you can't do that or like in, you know, like we maybe had an emotional conversation and at the end, like, I love you just, you know, it's like one of the like it's like it's like punctuation.




I guess it was more meaningful set in those ways than to say it every day. But like, I'm throwing I love used to my daughter.


I don't think I've ever made eye contact with my brother, much less said, I love you. I don't even know you had a brother. I don't. I got it. Do you remember when we walked around Dubai, we went to a water park together in Dubai? Went to a water park, we did on slides. We went to a water park, we walked around. We have Ilesha. I'll send you all the pictures of us. We would like take pictures of each other in front of the pool.


This is before you got moved to the Burj Hotel. Which is like the if Sebastian was a hotel, it would be it would be the Burj, it's actually entering me that I don't remember the water park.


So I just there's pictures of it. Yeah. Me, you and maybe Kirk Fox or something. We went to a water park. No, I don't remember that I feel like I went to your hotel room and in the Burj Hotel, as I remember, which is like to go to a male comics hotel room and there would be absolutely no sexual energy is so hilarious.


I wanted to show you the room. I know, but that's so funny, because at the time I was prey for so many male comics and for Sebastian to be like, come to my hotel. I had no power at the time. I was not successful at the time. I was the hottest I've ever been and thrown around key.


I do the brown bikini pre breastplate is anorexic as a GATT's.


Italians love when women's thighs don't touch pale as can be and he's like, come see my hotel room like that.


Like that would have been something Ronan Farrow wrote about if it wasn't. Yeah, come to my hotel room in Dubai. It was like a two story. Yeah. I was just, I was the elevator was made of a fish tank. Yeah. It was just so cool.


I didn't have anybody there I share it with. Yeah. And I was like, hey, you know, you want to come and take a look at this, you know, when, when, when do you go into a hotel like that. So that, that was my.


Yeah I said it was not like yeah no I know but it's just it's just while looking back at that. It was like, that's wild to think about when I started the Comedy Store, I was like when someone would bring me up, the intro was like, Are you guys ready for a lady? Like, that was how the intro would be and everyone would be like, and then people just start wrestling and go feed their meters, or that was like a cue to like go to the bathroom.


This next comedian is beautiful like her, like. So before you got on stage, people were already like, oh, this is the intermission.


So let me ask you this. Do you find it being introduced as a beautiful woman, something that bothers you? Would anyone ever introduce you as handsome?


I hope so.


Ladies, gentlemen, his jaw could cut glass. The man is an Adonis.


He looks like a Grecian statue, the president of Sigma Pi.


I mean, it's just it's a weird thing to involve your my appearance in something where I'm about to perform and the skill is verbal and you know what I mean. It's not about that.


It's not a it's not a beauty contest. It's not a weird thing.


And then what are you going to do then? Some female comics aren't introduced as beautiful. I'm going to say she's not that attractive. I don't know, I just I never I've never gave it that spin. Like, if I'm going to describe you as beautiful. Well, that, to me just means not funny. That's all I hear, because it's very next to me is very funny. Yeah, I don't know. I don't associate, too, if it's something I don't know.


OK. When is it like men are attracted to women and vice versa in some? Yeah, so is it, we cannot. Say or describe a woman as being beautiful at all, no, then for sure can and should work.




Is it challenging guy being told he can tell a woman she's beautiful? I got a call, but I got some I got some text messages on the threads, guys, so.


No, but it's in a work place where my appearance is not the like the. You'd never say she's she's very thin.


She's five eight. Do you know what I mean. Like you would never it's like you're telling me whether or not you'd fuck me in my professional introduction to the people. I'm about to say that I'm because comedy is all about being in control and being in power. And it's a way of just like doing a quick degrading in front of the people that I need to be powerful in front of, you know, and it's not wrong.


It's not I'm not like, you know, I feel like I'm very middle of the road with our fair with this stuff. But it doesn't happen now. No one introduced me like that now. Because I'm not pretty anymore. This comedian used to be a catch in her day.


You should have seen her in Dubai.


This comedian aging not so gracefully seen her on Craig Kilborn. It's just interesting that I don't I don't have any charge on it. I'm not going like feminazi on it. It's more just like it's interesting. I've never heard someone introduce a male comic and involve their appearance.


I've done it in a in a in a joking way. The guy is a good looking guy. Stunning. Yeah. And I think any guy that's done that to me thought they were helping in some way and being nice. I don't think their intentions were malicious.


Do you remember when we were in Chicago and a comedian got on stage while I was performing? Well, we were the Just for laughs festival in Chicago, a midnight show at a theater in Chicago, I don't think I can tell you the name of the theater.


And I was it was like a dirty show or something, which is weird that you were on and it was a midnight show just for laughs.


Chicago. I wasn't.


It was you because I was on stage, I you wouldn't think I had a drug problem.


And I to know you just didn't you just weren't interested in me. You just didn't clock you were there but you weren't.


But like someone getting up on stage when another comedians on stage, something I should remember, it was I was on stage and I was actually doing quite well, which is shocking for that time period. And the audience started heckling these two guys. The audience started heckling me, which for a comedy store comic is like your dream, like it's great.


And some guy yelled, You won't remember this because only I heard it like, I'm going to fuck you with a knife.


Right. It's a rough thing to yell, but I'm a comedy short comic.


Like, that's my wheelhouse. Like, great.


I get to now I do I it's coming back. Deal with this heckler and then I'm dealing with this heckler like I know exactly what to do, you know, many weekends at the Comedy Store, La Hoya, you know, I like I love a heckler. Right. And I'm doing well. I'm doing well. Then I just start bombing. I'm just bombing.


Like, the audience is, like, quiet. It makes no sense that I'm bombing. The energy gets really weird. And I turn around and the host of the show was on stage looking at the hecklers behind me, going. Like shushing them. To try to come out and help me. You don't remember this over this, and I've never seen that happen. I mean, I've never even heard of somebody like came out on stage shushed and I turned around.


And truly, for the first time in life, I was without speech. Like, I could not form a like I could not I was so I was so stunned that I couldn't move.


I didn't even say anything. I didn't make a joke. It got so awkward and weird and wild.


And then he walked off and then and then I blacked out, totally blacked out, walks off stage. I try to clean up the mess, but I'm so shaken.


I'm so like insulted and embarrassed and angry that he thought I couldn't handle it or thought I needed his help or whatever it was.


And the set probably kept being horrible. And then I got off stage and I was so shaky. And you said, we're leaving. I don't know if you saw it or I just told you about I don't know what it was, but I was like, I need to go confront him.


Like, I was irate. I was so enraged. I was like, I need to go talk to him. Like the host. He was like went back on stage. And you're like, we're leaving in your why? I left.


And then that night at the hotel, I called ten comedians to ask them, what would it take for you to go on stage while another comedian is performing. Nine of them said there'd have to be a physical fight, like someone from the audience would have to have gone on stage. And then Reira said I'd have to see a gun in the audience. Wow, you're who you are.


I just remember you're like we're like, we're going to go. This is frightening that I don't remember this. It is a little frightening, but the story is better than I could tell it alone. Oh, oh, oh. I wrote about in my book, there's a whole chapter about in my book you're in my book that I going to Dubai's in my book and that stories in my book, because it was it was the first time that I kind of felt the only time I ever felt like, oh, I'm a female, like I'm being treated differently.


I never thought being treated like shit in the beginning was because I'm a woman. All comics get hazed. I never felt there was sexism at the Comedy Store. When I started, I was like, that's just that's just not true. Everyone gets put through that ringer. That was the first time I was like, oh, you would never have done this to a guy. Yeah. You think you need to protect me from this? Yeah. Were you there when Steve Byrne got in the fight on stage?


And writer and stars Bright Answer The Comedy Store knows of the company Mr.. No. Someone threw a chair at Burn. Like there's a Boscombe, it's weird that there's not more violence in comics. It's weird that there's not more chaos.


It is because the people what's being said on stage could really rub people, especially now, huh?


But, yeah, it's been pretty civil. I think you just get in and get out. I think I there was a Marc Maron Dove Davidov fight from the stage at the Comedy Store once.


I might have told you, let's get out of here, because I might not even see one guy. Let's go. Let's go. We're done here. You just wanted to leave.


And that's just how you leave every set.


No, we were just driving together.


The vans here were gone. That was your first. I'll be right back. That's how it began.


Oh, like me trying to fight this guy. God, I must have really been in my.


You might not have. I do remember I think you saw it because I remember being insecure about you may be hearing my Sadaa bombing for you.


What do you remember the theater. I can find out the name usually because I don't even remember doing just for laughs Chicago.


I remember doing it at Zanies. I didn't get a theater spot.


You did. It was a midnight show. The midnight show. It was not.


It's like a hip.


It's kind of like a hipster theater like Park West. Nope. What was it like the first time you sold out the Chicago theater? That must have been surreal. Or is that so long ago?


Oh, that was, I don't know, five years ago. Those that listen for me to do that in my hometown and then do the United Center there, I mean come on and see the parents, the the the screwed up thing about that.


Here's something I let my guard down on, which I never do. I had a Nightline interview the night before doing the United Center. Sorry, sorry, day off, I'm doing Nightline. The night before I go out to Chicago, cut steak house with my family and friends, have a party there. We go out to a nightclub, we get a table.


I know what I want and I want it now. We got we're drinking heavily. I wake up and I'm.


Do you drink wine? But this was wine and tequila and woke up with the worst headache to talk about. I knew this was not going to be good, you know, like when you wake up, I don't know if you've been hungover recently, but, like, this is not going to go well.


Judy's downstairs in the lobby waiting. She has no idea what's going on with me. She UDR manager, who is the only person I'm scared of.


So Judy takes me over to Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry Seinfeld is there with two other guys eating breakfast. And in Chicago doing the Chicago theater, he's playing the United Center.


Yeah, you're playing the same night in Chicago as Jerry. Yes.


He's doing four shows at the Chicago theater. I'm doing one at the United Center. I come over to him, I look like hell, pale, sweating.


And it was like telling my father, you know, I go home and I got hung over, you know, the the the night before you do.


And I asked him, that's it. There goes that relationship.


Okay, so I go and do the interview.


It's at my house where I grew up and I had to excuse myself in the interview and had to go throw up in the.


Felt so bad, so unprofessional. I don't like letting people down. They came to interview me out of state and I'm giving them nothing.


And then how much more would you have given if you were not hung over? I would.


I would at least given them. I mean, you don't remember much now.


I mean, I just can't believe I don't remember this. It's really disturbing.


I'm going to find because the theater I now realized has Rosemont Theater, like I I'm usually really good with it was like that because I do know that the theater's closed because I was almost going to shoot my third special in Chicago. And I looked at the vic and I looked at Chicago theater and this place had closed. So I know it isn't open anymore.


Do you have a good memory or do you do journal? I have an excellent memory for thing.


And there's a biological basis for this, for things that were traumatizing. I know I'm a white woman that is privileged. So you throw the word trauma around like loosely here, but something that is stressful where your amygdala is activated, you produce cortisol, it holds in your hippocampus more tightly.


So I remember everything very vivid about this because I went into fight or flight mode, so it imprint's harder. So we remember bad things five times more strongly than than good things. Like I remember what I was wearing.


I remember my hair like your it's like the trauma response. Everything like lacson. It's your brain's way of taking a photograph of everything to keep you safe in the future.


Wow. So I remember that, like negative experiences very vividly, which is what drives people crazy about women that we remember, like that thing you said two years ago at that wedding, we remember, you know that.


But you don't remember all the good things I've done and the jewelry I bought. It's like, well, those were the good things. Those aren't as imprinted as strongly.


Yeah, that was that was the only time that I felt like I let myself down and then I did then I did the I had to get an IV of the what is it, the water sailing.


Yeah. Yeah. So the guy, a paramedic came in to give me the IV. This is before the show. Right. So embarrassing. It's embarrassing. Embarrassing.


Aren't you a totally embarrassed. Put my jacket on and I start bleeding out my arm.


No. Yeah.


No and I, I go guy you know that's not supposed to happen. So I'm sitting there on and I go on stage and I flip my arm and we're going to see blood all over the eye. So how are you, David Blaine. So yeah, I never again.


Never again, I think. But I think something was in the drink because I don't get that way. I do not get that way. I don't get like you don't lose control.




Very rarely have you ever tripped and public tripped.


No, I don't lose control. That was not good. Have you ever, like, leaned against a wall? Yeah, listen, I.


I am a little clumsy when it comes to if it is any, like, camera footage of you in your house, like tripping, like, have you ever drank out of a straw and miss your mouth. Yeah, there's been more like.


Yeah. Did you ever gotten lost? No. Oh, God, I have to do it.


When you said you have a heart. And I didn't know. Oh, shit, I got to go. OK. I don't know.


OK, no, this is the best.


Did we get enough? Yeah.


I mean, I'm dying to go home. I got a four o'clock. We didn't quite get it. Yeah, well, I got a four o'clock test run for a corporate Zaloom corporate Zoome.


OK, so do you need to borrow some money or are things tight. Is that the I mean I know that does look like listen Bruno Magli hoodie these corporate Zoellner.


Uh huh. They're moderate. It's not standard. OK, no, I did one. It was I have way through. I was like, can I give you the money back. I was in New York. It was it was so bad.


It was so bad that I was like, I you can't pay me for this. This is fun. OK, so this is to pay for OK, OK, this is great because I end these awkwardly and in Sebastian just managed to make it more awkward than I even like a button on it.


No I don't.


I, I, I.