Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony, and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at deathsquad. Tv. And don't forget to check out everything Tony Hinchcliff at tonyhinchcliff. Com. And the Sunset Strips, my new Comedy Club in Austin, Texas. Go to sunsetstripatx. Com. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Muttership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony. It's Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yeah, Mixtunos, the Red Band, everybody. We're here. You made it. Mama, we made it. Here at the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony, brought to you by some amazing I didn't get the three that I had to write down. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? On the Horns, Carlos Sosa, Raul Valejo, and Fernando Castillo. Michael Gonzales on the drums. Nick Lewis joining us on the bass, or as I call him, See Madness because he can see. Matt Muling on the electric guitar, and our dear Band leader, the great and powerful John Dees on the keys, who wrangles these people, finds the best musicians in the city for us to play with.

So much fun. Truly, I always say this, but I fucking mean an action-packed show loaded up and ready to go tonight. Some very special appearances by very special people. It's all going to go down all at once. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas, is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx. Com for tickets. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode? Well, well, well. This is one of those nights that will, I believe, live in Kill Tony history. Two unbelievable comedians. One of them I've been working with continuously for 17 years, a legend of the Comedy Store. One I just found here a few days ago. Randomly, she was performing in The Little Boy, and I saw her set, and I fell in love. We ended up drinking together all night, and she is one of my new favorite comedians in the world. This is her first time on panel at Kill Tony. I do believe her first time ever on a podcast. Here are our guests. Make some noise for two of the greats, Elaine and Ian Edwards, everybody.

Elaine and Ian Edwards. There's Elaine. Make some noise for Elaine, her first time on the show. Oh, and A nail just fell off. A nail. You lost a nail, Elaine. There you go. Who wants it? Come on, there you go. This little Mexican boy wants it. There you go. How about one more time for Ian Edwards, ladies and gentlemen, one of the greats. This episode brought to you by Skylight, Frame, and Game Time, by the way, for those of you wondering who our amazing sponsors are. Ian Edwards.What up, fam?Welcome back, my friend. How's it going? It's good to be here, man. Absolutely. This is a fun show to be at sitting next to Elaine. I can smell how old she is. That's My Pussy, which is the name of my documentary out on Hulu. That's My Pussy is the name of your documentary? Wow. Should it have been something else, Tony? I mean, I felt a fish. I will look into changing it. Okay. Red Band, nice to see you with your clothes on. I used to work in a massage parlor. Red Band would come in with his dick already out. Let's just say he thinks the butt hole is the G-Spot.

Hit me. All right, let's get it going. Here we fucking go. Elaine has joined the fray. I'm very excited about this. Maybe you heard me give the audience our little intro last week, but we got drunk together. Turns out she's been doing stand-up for exactly 50 years. How about a hand for 50 years? Come on, I ain't done yet. She's 74 years old, started when she was 24, and I caught a set in the little boy, Adam Eget, the booker of the club, was in the back of the room howling. She was talking about, what was it? Your pussy? I think it was. I do a few pussy jokes, but he really liked the way that I said the N-word. I'm just kidding. I said the whole thing. No, you could say it back in the day, but I love the mothership. The greatest club in the world. This is as close as I'll ever get to Superstar. So here we go. I love it, Elaine. This is your first time on Kill Tony, so you might not know that over 200 innocent souls signed up for tonight's show. Look at all those losers in there.

Anything can happen. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds of stand-up comedy time uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And That cuts off their time. I interview them after that. That scare you a little bit? Let's just say some blood came out of... Yeah, it scared me. Oh, my goodness. But to get tonight's show started, I'm going to pre-pull a name. We'll grab that one, too. I'll take that one. I'll trade you my nail for that. We'll load them up. This looks great. We'll get both of those people wrangled up from the bar across the street, the sixth Street famous bar, Poor Choices, which is a real scummy bar, by the way. But we love them. We love scummy bars. Balkan Gas Company, Poor Choices, Sunset Strip Comedy Club. We love shitty sixth Street bars. That's what we take. Austin takes pride. More bars per capita than any other city. It's incredible. Get $2 shots over at Poor Choices anytime you want. But while we wrangle those comedians, some of you may know that we have a new regular that starts the show.

Oh, the lovely Heidi. Listen to the crowd pop for Heidi, everybody. It's happening. Kill Tony Fame affects everybody. To get tonight's show started, a fucking force of nature, ladies and gentlemen. This guy's been filling in for the great Hans Kim for months while he prepares for his huge show at the Forum. The rematch between Hans Kim and Rick Diaz will be live streamed from in the Forum. But filling in for him, the newest regular, an absolute sensation. This guy just did theater with me this weekend in San Jose. He crushes, let's see, a brand new minute from the one and me, Casey Rocket. Thank you. All Okay. Yeah. La princesa. All right. I got to get out of here. I blacked out on Klonopin last night, and apparently, I kept making my girlfriend listen to pro-union coal mining music again. So it's just, Which side are you on, Lord? She's crying, that old chestnut. When are you going to get help? I'll tell you who needs help, the coal miners, but that's fucking Biden's America. You know what I mean? I'll just pop it. One second. All right. Cool. I wish all drugs gave you flashbacks.

People always say that about LSD, that it gets stored in your bones or whatever, which is such a scary thing to tell someone on LSD, right? You're like, What bones? Who's bones? I wish you could just be walking through the mall with your friends and just pop your hip, just get a Ketamine flashback from Boneru, 2012. You're just, Oh, so they're called Minions? I don't want to go to Spencer's gifts anymore. Thank you. Casey Rocket. All right. There it is again. The man, the myth, the crab man.Thank you.Kacy Rocket. Casey, motherfucking Rocket has strikt again. I squeezed too hard. Yeah. I squeezed too hard. That's wild. I used to do that when I was a little kid. I used to do that thing where I'd make my face all red. I think I would die if I did it now. Yeah, it was fun. I squeezed too hard. Should we try to do it right now? No. Another amazing performance, Casey. I loved the eyeballs. Very scary. Was anyone scared? Let's get a show of hands. Oh, there's a lot of hands up in the air, shockingly. At a comedy show, you genuinely had people scared.Terrified.Cool. Terrified.thank you.

She's gorgeous. Are you tired? Yes. You move around so quick. I know. It was just one minute, and I tensed too hard. One time, I used to do the Dutchman's Key. My favorite bit ever. Which is where I put a lead key in my mouth and that's it. Well. That's about it. One time I had the lead key, so I'm dipping the it's leaking lead in my blood and I tensed real hard, and I had to sit down on stage for five minutes, something about the lead. He puts a key in his mouth and proceeds on with minutes and minutes and minutes of his act before coughing up the key. It's something you really got to see live, I guess, for it to translate how hilarious it is. But when he's in full action and moving around, you realize that he's had a key in his mouth for a lot of the performance. It's The payoff is huge. Again, you remind me of one of my my grandson's friends. His name's Craig, and he also was missing some teeth. Good. He also titifucked me upon meeting me. So play your cards right, Casey. You could take this rocket ship to Titty Fuck Galaxy or wherever you want to go.

You go to an Apple Beach. Why am I blushing? It doesn't make any sense. Sounds like a personal problem. When did this Titty Fucking take place? Well, back in... It was about an hour ago, but it was... No, it was, I don't know, 1975. People have been titty fucking for years. Right, Ian? Yeah, that's what we do. Thanks, Ian. Ian, have you seen Casey Rocket before? Shit, I still didn't see him. He was moving so fast. Very fast. He is a squiggler. Are you... You take any substances? Totally clean. Really? Yeah, I'm sober. Been sober for many years. You feel like you're on an Adder roll right now? No, no, no, just me. This motherfucker is the human form of Adderall. Yeah, that's what everybody thinks. Surprisingly, he's one of the only sober people in this venue right now. Now, is there a drug that you could be caused into participating in? If Joe Rogan came through here and was like, Let's do bumps of coke off Elaine's tits, what would you do? Good question. Sorry, that's a bad Joe Rogan impression. What would you say, Casey? What would I say? It happens tonight, it's Monday night.

Let's say I call him right now, and I don't have his name. Let's say Tony calls him, and he goes, Yeah, what's up? What's going on? Is there a bow and arrow down there? And he comes down. I go, Yeah, there's a bow and arrow, but the only way to get it is by doing Coke off my Ticks with the newest Muppet. I guess what I'm saying is, would you do Coke with somebody if they asked you? Could you be peer-precied, Casey? We're all human beings. We could be peer-precied. Yeah, if you guys wanted it really bad, I guess. Yeah, I could. Does anybody have any cocaine? I didn't think you would actually say yes to that. Well, good for you. Straight Edge is cool. Yeah, it's punk rock, rock and roll stuff. I got a lot. Casey, He is scared to death right now. I've never seen that look in your eyes exactly. An unbelievable weekend on the road. We had so much goddamn fun. Casey is absolutely hilarious in the green rooms, at the restaurants, at the coffee shops, at the airport. You're a bundle of positive energy. I love you. Way to get tonight's show started.

That's it.Thank you, guys.I appreciate it. That's all for Katie Rocket, the newest regular. All right. It shall begin. I pre-pulled two names. We're going to see, hopefully, they come out in the right order here. Make some noise for your first comedian, Ladies and gentlemen, let's do 60 seconds uninterrupted from Lino Rodriguez. Lino Rodriguez, everybody. Here we go. Straight out of the bucket. Anything can happen. Hello, my name is Lino Rodriguez. I'm a door guy on sixth Street. Right now, my main diet is pizza and cigarettes. I really got to stop eating cigarettes. I'm actually Puerto Rican. I'm a Puerto Rican that can't speak Spanish, though. If I had to compare that to anything, I think it'd be like being a Catholic priest that doesn't fuck kids. Everyone expects me to, but I'm just one of the good ones. I wasn't raised that way. The other day, I was hanging out watching my new favorite movie, Tala Perry's Mediah goes to Palestine. Oh my girl, just get to learn. I started to think about how I like to do Molly and compliment bald people on their eyebrows. They don't really hear that anymore. I actually think they should start dying their heads like Easter eggs.

That'd be fucking… All right. I'm Lino. Thank you so much. Thank you. Lino Rodriguez. Our first bucket pull of the night. A slow start and a sluggish ending, but the middle was amazing there. You got laughs. I didn't think any of it was funny, but this is a hot crowd. This is the best April Four set I've ever seen. That was good. Ian Edwards? I mean, it was What's the irony of him doing a Tyler Perry joke, and I'm sitting next to White Madea? It is absolutely a fantastic point. Good point, Ian. Now, you had some stuff about fucking kids in the middle that really piqued my interest, because that's a real issue facing our country. It is.Thank you so much.Yes. What is it about that that you find humorous? I Where did that joke come from, I guess? I want to get inside your head for a minute. Got you. It came just... Everybody expects it to happen. When you're brown or if you're a Catholic priest, either way-We got it. We got it, Lena. Okay, over here, Lena. How long have you been doing stand-up? About two, three years now. Okay. You lived here in Austin for how long?

A year. Where did you live before that? I lived in New Orleans. Some fans of New Orleans in the crowd. How do you think I got all these beats? That's right. Oh, wow. Sucking. Come on, Red Band. Come on. There you go. Red Band had six necklaces in his car. That's so hot. Celina, you're Puerto Rican. You can't speak Spanish. I've never seen a green Puerto Rican person before. What exactly is your diet? You made a joke about eating cigarettes that literally silenced every part of the city. I worked inside for a while, so I think it just started to turn Greek after a while. I don't know. I work from home, and I work at night now, so I'm pale, I guess. What do you do from home during the day? I used to work on AI cars. I used to help program those. Ai cars? Yeah, AV cars, like Google cars and things like that, the self-driving cars. Okay. Shit. Hook us up, fam. Oh, no, they didn't give me shit. But it was cool. Puerto Rican take that shit. So now you are- Can't only steal real cars? I get you. Yeah, we can figure that out together.

Hell, yeah. Okay. That is the birth of crime, ladies and gentlemen. That's how it happens. A Puerto Rican and a black. That's my favorite pornhub search. Hit me, fellows. There it is. A little late. A little Like my period. Thanks, Red Band. Hello. Hit me. There it is. Hit me. That's all to what Red Band asked me to do to him last night. Takes a lot to make him come. How old are you? Did you say that already? I'm 27. 27. You look like you're 46. What's it like being 27 in 2024? It's hard. Okay. All right. There's the Horn Hub sound. A minute and a half after the pornhub joke. For those of you keeping track of Red Band in the zone tonight already. Lino, have you been on this show before? Yes, I actually got on a couple of weeks ago. That was really cool. How did that go for you?Not as good.Not as good. Maybe for me, I don't I don't want to seem to have a good time. So I'm cool with that. Okay, don't do that. Don't do that. Don't do that, Lena. I'm sorry. Ever again. Lena, what did we not find out about you in your last interview that would be interesting?

What was the mainframe of the interview last time you were on? What was the most interesting thing we found out about you? What did I make jokes about, talk about? I had a real kick about my dad getting murdered. You thought that was good. Oh, yeah. We'll be right back. Elaine is on fire. Now's a good time for me to promote. Elaine, for some reason, decided to plug Adam Ray Comedy on YouTube. A brand new crowd Special from Adam Ray. I don't know what you and Adam have going on, Elaine, but fucking. The way the red band is into Latinos, I'm into Jews. I love it. Now, do you mind me asking what happened? I don't want to pour salt on a bandaid, but what happened to your father? He got marked with a baseball bat. He got beat up by a couple of guys, but one of them had a bat. Why didn't he hit him upside the head? Yeah, a couple of times. God damn it. Do you have the video? This is the actual. We have audio from the... There you go. There was a referee there. Why was there a referee there, Red Band?

It was also in a bowling alley. Not a lot of people know that. Did you know that? Did you know that your father was murdered in a bowling alley? It's news to me. Okay. You probably went home that night thinking, Wow, I probably should have brought up something else or talked about something else about my entire life. What do we not know about you, Lena? Shit, man. What don't you know about me? Maybe you didn't think about it at all. No, I didn't. Actually, I've been in a car chase once. That was crazy. Okay. With the police? No, with a hillbilly. Okay. What happened? Take us through it. What did you do? Well, my friends and I were out having a good time, and they decided, Hey, let's... I don't know, the statute's a limitation. How long is that? You're good. All right, cool. This guy insists on interview being boring. I don't want to break the law now. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I don't want to break the law now. I'm sorry. Allegedly. They decided to jump out the car and start hitting mailboxes. Then halfway through that-How old were you during this?

I was 16. Okay. Dad's still alive? No. Right. He's been gone. There's no one to fucking... No one to spank you. No. Just doing whatever you want in a fatherless fucking society. Typical Puerto Rican childhood. You want to feel my tits, Lino? Of course. I feel bad for you. Do you want to feel his? Yeah, we can feel you. I feel bad for you. I just said... I'd love to. All right, let's do it. Well, let's finish up your story. Let's hear about this car chase. One on two. Then halfway through, I heard this voice say, You done fucked up now? Coming from really far away from me. Oh, shit. Then all of a sudden, a truck was on her ass, and I was in a Bronco, like an old 2002 Bronco, so I started whipping that bitch. I got the fuck out. I drove as fast as I could through Backwoods in Mississippi, and my friends said, Hit her right. So I did. Then when I did, I slid into it. Then I heard, and then they crashed into the woods, and I got the fuck out of there. Dukes of Hazard style. I know it's really...

Wow. I hope you understood what I said. I didn't realize Mississippi had Asian drivers. Okay. I'm going to go ahead and take back the tit off.Is that okay?That's fine.That story is stuck.I understand completely. Lena, what is your love life like? The world wants to know. How's Lena's Pussy Game? You look like the guy that answers the door at a haunted Mexican restaurant. Very funny, Tony. That deserves more laughter.It's all right.We'll edit that in. That was a very funny joke. That's why it's your show. Yeah. Do this for me. It's been a weird year. I got married and divorced last year. How did that... Okay, there we go. Here we go. Now we're getting somewhere. Now we're cooking with gas. Yeah. Let's talk, Ian. He asked you one hour ago, has there anything happened that you didn't tell us from the last show? And now you just bring that shit up? Yeah. Yeah. Thanks for that. I ran a red light with Forrest Gump. Bullshit story. You got a dead dad and a divorce story. Just locked and loaded in those fucking Abercrombie pockets. We're finding out a lot more. There's a lot more. This is like a Puerto Rican forest gump over here.

I'm excited about this. Tell us about the marriage and divorce. Oh, man, it was quick. How did you meet her? She saw me doing comedy once. Oh, God. Was that when you got divorced? No. She liked my style. Oh, boy. Did you say style? Infatuated. Especially fat. She saw you do comedy. How long were you together before you decided to get married? Good question. About a year or so. Okay. Yeah, it was pretty fast. How did you propose to her? That's always something that the ladies care about. We want to be romanced and impressed. I was at an amusement park in Gatlinburg. Oh. In front of a Ferris wheel with a ring. I believe that's where slavery ended. What happened to Del taco? Now, what did she say? You said what? You said, I love you. It's only been a year, but let's do this. What did you say? Basically, I don't know. We've been talking about it. She brought it up. I was into it, but it was all me, dude. I liked her. What made you want to get married, though? I don't know. That's a great question. When you're in that shit, it just happens.

Okay. Yeah. Did she let you titty fuck her? Yeah. Okay. What the fuck was that, Ben. How long were you married until divorce came on the table? Why was divorce imminent? It was four months we were married. Then what happened? It actually took a little longer for us to get married. It also took a little longer to get the answer to my fucking question. Jesus Christ. The numbers don't matter. It just blew up. Toxic. How? What? Come on, give us an example of the toxicity of your city. All right. She's finding out they're not faithful. Or like... Was that what happened? Yeah, it's a cheating and shit. How did you find out that she was cheating on you? She was supposed to be on a trip in Hawaii, and she was in Texas. Okay. How did you find this out? Oh, dude. Did you have one of your cars follow her? No. No. No. No. No Why would you please the fifth on this? You're on a podcast right now where interviews happen and anything can happen. Because... Here we go. Okay. Jesus Christ. All right. He's not going to save you here. He doesn't have Wi-Fi up there.

You're more nervous now than when you did your one minute. Well, I was cleaning the house, getting ready for her to come back for the trip, and I checked her because she said she was going to go visit her family. In Hawaii? No, she was just with friends. Mississippi is where I'm from. When I found her location, she said she's three minutes down the road in Texas.Oh, boy.Yeah. I went there, and she was there with someone I knew. Oh, no. Who was the someone that you knew? A friend of yours? I don't know if I should do all that. You don't need to name a name, you fucking idiot. Don't name a name. A friend of mine, I thought so. A friend of yours? Yeah. Right. Should we call that friend right now? No, no, no, no, no. What I meant... No, no, no, no, that's a bad idea because I just... Thank you, Elaine, so much. You know who's going to pick up? It's going to be Red Band. I want to avoid that. Well, I'm so sorry. But guess what? When you get cheated on, it makes you stronger. You learn about yourself.

Yeah, I got laid last week. It was... It happened last week. Yes. I got with ladies last week. What happened there? We're going to go back to this, by the way. Elaine tried to bail you out with that phone call shit. We're going back to it. But what happened last week? I met a nice lady. We went out. It was cool. Okay. Fuck it then. Good job. Great interview. I'm still going to squeeze you for this. We're going back. Here we go. Hey, over here, Lena, stop making fucking noises your mouth. Answer the questions that I asked you. Are you ready? Yes, I'm ready. I'm sorry. When you went to the house with your friend and your wife, what exactly happened? Oh, man. This part's easy. You just tell us what happened instead of all the prefacing shit and everything. I know. I'm sorry. I walked up to the door and I looked in the window and they were on the couch together. What were they doing on the couch? They were hanging out on some blankets and shit. Under some blankets or on some blankets? Under. Under. Well, how did How did you know it was them under the blankets?

How did you not know that it was-I could see them. You could see their heads? Yeah. Were they watching a movie? What were they watching, Lino? Elaine, I don't know if you noticed, he's not good at answering questions. We got to keep them one track at a time here. Then what happened? Did you knock on the door? Yeah. Then what happened? They said, No, they said, Get out of here. They told you to get out of here? Yeah, get out of here. What are you doing here? You're trying to make jokes again. Wait, let's act this out. Keep the music on, Red Ben. You be the guy, I'll be his girl. This is crazy. Ready? Give me a knock. Oh, shit. Fuck. Get out of here. Get out of here. What are you doing here? Lino, what are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to be in Hawaii. Oh, wait. No, I thought I was supposed to... Fuck. Sorry, I'm not into brown guys I'm in the black guys. Damn. Is that what you said? What did you say? I said, What the fuck are you doing here? Why are you here? I thought you were in Hawaii.

Well, our flight got changed. Okay, hold on. Elaine, what did she say when you said you're supposed to be in Hawaii? She ran off. Where did she run off to? The bedroom. Oh, back there where she was safe. Yeah. Did you chase her? No. No, that was it. No, but it erupted. Yeah, it was bad. Did you and your buddy almost fight? Not really. I was going to fight him, but I was more concerned with the other bullshit that was going on. I didn't care about him. He's a fucking piece of shit. Right. Yeah, so I was more worried about what's happening. Never got an answer. But the divorce was quick and easy because you caught her cheating. You didn't have to pay any of your door guy money or anything like that, right? No, no, no, no. That's ongoing bullshit. But no, I'm still balling. Okay. All right. You got a little jokebook last time? Yeah, I got a little jokebook. Such interesting things about you. Yet, it's such a terrible interview. It's absolutely incredible. Great, man. Will you hit me with some music real quick? Uh-oh. Elaine. Uh-oh. Whoa. Hold him on. Whoa, he finally got some color in his face.

I love it. All right. I hope that makes up for your dead dad. Lino Rodriguez. There he goes, everybody. There he goes. Lino Rodriguez. Okay. And yet it has begun. Hey, all. This podcast is sponsored by Game Time. Look, I'm in the business of selling tickets, and I want to make sure if you're buying a ticket to a live event, you're in good hands. You shouldn't have to worry when you buy tickets to your next big event. Game Time is the fast and easy way to buy tickets for all the sports, music, comedy, and theater events near you. With killer last-minute deals, all-in-prices, views from your seat, and their lowest price guarantee, game time takes the guesswork out of buying tickets or a red band. This app is so easy to use, Tony. They got last-minute deals, which can save up to 60% off buying last minute for sports, concerts, comedy, and theater. It's also incredibly easy to find and buy tickets for every event in your area. You can get panoramic views from your seating the venue before you buy. Amazing, Red Band. Gametime gives you the lowest price guarantee, or they will credit you 110% of the difference.

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My grandpa is starting to lose He loses judgment. He can't really drive anymore. There was a blackout in his neighborhood, and he almost shot the guy. Sometimes I would like to be black, but makeup is expensive. If Kanye West has taught us anything, it's that the Jews ain't worth the squeeze. A sex worker bit my dick once, so it was half off. Stop right there. Okay, Jerry Carlin. Very good. Some good old fucking old-fashioned, I love it, smart one-liners.Thank you.Delivered straight down the barrel. Welcome to the show, Jerry. This is your first time on, correct? Yes. I would recognize you. I do believe I saw you in that new Nickelodeon documentary. Jerry, welcome to the show. How long have you been doing stand-up? This is my second time. Second time ever? Wow. Thank you. How long have you been writing and preparing for this? These jokes, maybe a month or so.How old are you?Just writing. I'm 21. 21 years old. Look at this. A fantastic start to your career. Are you going to college? What's your story? No, just high school. I don't really want college. You're still in high school? Okay. All right. You are the world's youngest pedophile, I do believe.

21 out there chasing high schoolers around. You got to love it. Ian Edwards? I mean, he's so young, he looks like he has a skin routine. I'm getting strong school shooter vibes at the same time. Yeah, you look like the molester and the molestee at the same time. It's true. It's true. But that's a compliment because that's a tough gig to get. You're very funny. Your jokes are great. The structure is good. There's a lot of misdirection. What's your writing process like? Sometime tonight. I don't know. I just lie in bed. They come to me, I guess. I don't really write. I'm noticing that your writing started right when Texas made Pornhub illegal. Is there any truth to you replacing your porn addiction with love for stand-up comedy? I actually don't watch porn. Wow. Prove it. Hold on. What's your process there then? Imagination? Where are you? Fucking Willy Wanka? What's going on over here? Very vivid imagination. Okay. What do you picture when you are pleasing yourself? Good question, Tony. Now, I'm the pedophile somehow. I don't know how the switch happened. I'm just trying to host a show, but I made it creepy.

I'm a big fan of prostitutes. Prostitutes. Some of those jokes were true. Oh, my goodness gracious. Look at you. You didn't even smile after he said that. That is amazing. A 21-year-old into the imaginary thoughts of a prostitute. Just the thought of a woman charging money is enough to get him off. Ian Edwards? Now, when you say prostitutes, you mean killing them or fucking them? Good question, Ian. Or both? Both, of course. Yeah, absolutely amazing, Jerry Carlin. Now, Now, I've done a little bit of a walk in the streets late at night to make some extra cash, right? A woman of the night. Oh, yeah. It's a tough gig, but you have to make sure your price points are fair. I guess what would be... If I showed you my menu of sexual favors, what's too much? For anal, how much would you pay?How much would I pay for anal?Yes. I think that's what I just fucking asked. Yeah. Yes. Some really tough interviews so far tonight. It is... I would say under 50. What? You dirty little boy. Holy shit. She's freaking out about that. She was so offended by that price. She's right.

That is. She's right. Our buttholes are precious, right? Now, did you make 50 cents or $50? Cents. Okay, that's fair. Stick with me here, Jerry. How much for a blowjob on this menu? No, that's here. Five. Five dollars. Five dollar blowjob. This is incredible. You sweet. Are you a virgin? No, no, no. Prove it. That is the craziest yes I've ever heard in my life. Yeah, I think you are. Okay, so let's say you and I are in the bedroom. What noises do you make? Ready? Oh, I'm silent. Welcome to another episode of We all knew that already. Okay, Jerry, you're 21. How are you making money out there on these wild streets?Jordash Uber Eats.Okay, just driving around. I love it. What car do you have?Hundi Alantra.What's your license plate? Okay. I love it. What's your living situation? You still with your parents? Yeah, still with my parents. They live here in Austin? Yeah. Okay. Born and raised in Austin. When did you decide or think that you wanted to maybe perhaps try stand-up comedy? When did this all start? I didn't even discover a comedy until after 18, but just watching it. Did your parents keep you away from things on the television?

No, I just never stumbled across it, I guess. What were you doing? Playing video games or something? No, I hate video games. Okay, what were you doing? I'm a huge TV fan. I don't talk to people. This guy might be a true comedian we're finding here. This is incredible. But for somebody who doesn't talk to me, you have a nice... You have an air to the way you... You're like, I don't talk to people. You sound like you're on a boat. Do you know what I'm saying? You're a very confident guy for not having a lot of social interaction. Where does that come from? I'm having a panic attack. Oh, right now? That was the funniest thing I've heard Much more honest and giving than Lino Rodriguez's interview. He's actually being present, talking about how he feels in the moment. This is incredible. I love it. There's a fucking real comedian back here, Jerry Carlin. What do your parents think about? Do they know that you're out here? Yeah, they're pretty supportive of me, sure. Never really brought it up and talked about it. Right. Interesting. You don't talk to your parents either. I don't talk to anybody.

Ian Edwards. You can't talk to parents you murdered. This whole not talking to anybody thing, has this always been a thing of yours? No, just out of high school. It's just hard to meet new people. After COVID, I drifted apart from a lot of my friends. I only really have two good friends. What do you do with these two friends? We really don't meet up that much. Just talk. Where do you talk? You know, messages. Wow. So you're a chat room guy? Sure. So, Jerry, if you're at the dinner table with your parents and you don't want to talk, but they're trying to strike up conversation. They're like, So, Jerry, fuck any cool whores lately. You just sit there in silence and eat your meatloaf? I don't eat dinner with them. You don't eat dinner with your parents? This is a fucking amazing fucking thing we have going on here. What do you eat? You eat by yourself? Yeah, pretty much everything. You take it up to your bedroom? Yeah. You sit on the edge of the bed with a TV tray, or do you have a desk? No, I got this massive TV and a nice recliner.

You sit in a recliner and you continue to watch TV, and you eat your food on your lap? That was a weird question, Tony. No. I like to paint the picture for people. This is all very frightening. You're right, it is. It's scary. I'm scared to death right now. I am, too. I'm more scared than he is right now, and I've been doing this for 11 years, but this kid doesn't talk to anybody. His whole life is just a bunch of blue bubbles of messages. Can I ask a question? What would it take for you to interact with your parents? If Joe Rogan came down here tonight and said, Let's go to your house and eat dinner with your family, would you do it? If Joe Rogan asked, I would, yes. Okay. Well, we have exciting news for you. Somebody said bow and arrow three times, and Joe Rogan is here, and he wants to have dinner with your family. Okay. I'm just really worried for white kids, man. This is the future. What the fuck is going on with white kids? You're right. It's a perfectly good-looking white young male, and you're staying home not talking to anybody.

I used to be very ugly. What happened? Well, get over it. It's a drug called Accutane. I had terrible acne.Oh, my goodness.It works. You got fucking perfect skin now. Yeah. Go talk to women. I should, yes. Yeah, you should, man. Wow. Well, welcome to the universe, Jerry Carlin. Not only are you out in public, but you're thriving. You're out here. You've done great job. Keep at it. Finally, found some people you can talk to. Thank you. Keep at it. Right that way. Great job. Jerry Carlin, ladies and gentlemen. Just the way that the fucking thing worked out tonight, we actually get a little blast from the past. For those of you curious of what Jerry Carlin looked like very recently, we have a golden ticket winner here that is ready to blast off with a brand new minute. Ladies and gentlemen, Sensation. You know him, you love him. Make some noise. This is a rare appearance by the great and powerful, Keith Cordis, everybody. Jerry needs to start doing hard drugs. She just got out of my first real toxic relationship. Come on. Yeah, it was great at first, but then it just got really needy and I needed space, so I couldn't see her anymore.

And That's why I said, I hate to do this, but if you leave me, I'll kill your family. Burn your house down, shoot my brains out. I don't give a fuck. I'm an emotional wreck right now. Try me. Now, I legally can't see her anymore. It's all right. I'm going to fuck the shit out of Elaine tonight. That's the end of my minute. Thank you, guys. 50 seconds from Heath Cordis. I love it. 50 seconds. You'll only need 22 with me, sweet eye. Yeah, that's right. Save them 30 for a rainy day. You know it. Wink, wink. This show, so far, this show is a pedophile's delight. This is incredible. We had a 21-year-old that said, I just recently got good-looking just a moment ago. Here you are, another 21-year-old back to back. But not really 21. That's just what I had to say to get this going. Wait, what do you mean? You fucked up. You didn't I have no enough background. I checked your ID that night that we met. It's a good ID. Oh, my God. You little son of a bitch. How old are you, really? I'll never tell. Oh, hell, yeah.

Why am I hard? Okay. Keith, let's get into it. You're a golden ticket winner here on Kill Tony. How's life been going? How has your life changed? What's going on with you? Pretty good. I'm very happy. I got a door guy job at the mothership, so that's- Congratulations. That's a big deal. Yeah, that's how I've been spending my time, just trying to get better. It's good to know security is real tight around here. Yeah. I laugh every time I see them pat someone down because I'm just like, What? It's ironic you're the golden ticket winner, he is. You look like Charlie Bucket with autism. Yeah. This show is Willy Wanka with autism. You got to stop smoking, kid. Do you smoke? What drugs do you do, Heath? All of them. Because you told... Heath is a wild boy. I will tell you that he is one of the lightest people, yet heaviest drinkers here at the mothership. He actually You got shitface last Thursday. Yeah, he fucked up. He fucked up. He fucked up. Who's fucking up now? Me. I fucked up. You did. I was going to take him to do sold-out theaters in Boston and Baltimore, and he slept through his flights.

To the point to where a little fun fact is we were on the plane, and it's about to close up here in Austin, Texas. They came over the loudspeaker and said, If there's a Heath Cordis, please ring your Ringer. And so, of course, I messaged the whole fucking crew. I go, Is Heath? And has anyone seen Heath? No. I messaged you, right? And I did not get a response until after we landed in Boston. Tony, I'm so sorry. Please. I'm so sorry. That's what I said. That's right. Via text message. Via text message. So it didn't really translate. No, but that's how I felt. Of course, I do believe that. But just to take you guys there, I was about 85% sure when we landed in Boston and heard nothing back, that is when we went to the next level of who are his roommates? Can we reach out to them? Because we thought he was dead. Everybody. We literally thought that your condition, fucking whatever's wrong with you, went into overdrive and fucking… It was So you got at least three more months. So, Keith, who walked you up out of your race car bed?

Who told you that? Who told you it was time to perform? Worst way to wake up. No one woke me up out of the race car bed, and I was still late. You just woke up. That's the plan of Home Alone, pretty much, right? Yeah. So did you go Bananas City? Did you have pizza and ice cream and watch all the movies? Oh, yeah, you got to. Yeah. Really, it is the ultimate lesson in life. You dealt with it Very, very well. You're still alive. I had to go super, super easy to make sure I did not induce a suicide. I did real good with it, right? Yeah, you did great. It was very, very nice. Tony's not making anyone kill themselves.Thank you.Thank you so much. Thank you. This is the episode where we clear the air about me inducing suicides, which is out there in the zeitgeist somewhere, if you look hard enough for it. But if anybody would have killed themselves, it's the sweet little with many conditions, scoliosis, Benjamin Buttons, whatever the fuck you have. You got it all. What if he's like that movie Jack with Robin Williams and he's 65?

You said you're really not 21, Eith. I'll never tell. Okay. Now, what if Joe Rogan came down here and asked you what your age was? Yeah, he knows. Okay, fair enough. You said 65, which made me think of something. Have you ever 69ed with anyone, Heath? It's impossible. Have you ever gotten your dick sucked while-It's impossible. All right. They have to hunch down like this. Just make it work logistically. Every time I look at Heath, I feel like some ventriloquence is like, Where did my puppet go? It is incredible, Heath. Has your size ever helped you with anything? Is there ever a time where you use it to your advantage? A lot of leg space on the flights that you've been missing. Yeah. What's crazy is I still get really claustrophobic on planes. You do? Even though I have the best situation for planes, I still hate them. Do you get the board first? What? No. You don't? I should. I should get the board first. It's not fair. They don't go paging all passengers with Asperger's. It's your turn. I don't know if it's Asperger. I think it has ass sliders. It's a little bit smaller than a burger.

That's funny. That's funny.Thank you.That's a food joke.Thank you, Elaine. That's a food joke. Thank you. This motherfucker doesn't board at all. Yeah. It is incredible. I got to stop hiring openers that sleep in Cribs and can't get out in the morning. Barry Rare, you are the first person I do believe I've ever worked with that slept in on flights. But you know what? At the end of the day, you doing it, adorable. That's good. Had it been Cam Patterson, there may have been some racial slurs said or something like that. With you, it's I was like, I hope he doesn't hurt himself. That's what I go for. What did you end up doing that weekend? Anything fun? Not really. Just being sad. Right. Yeah. Token. That guy, he reached out to me and he said he wanted to hang out. So that But it was the rapper who went to the show. Yeah, we put that together. His name's Token. Who's Token? I don't know what you're talking about. He was there. He met you. In Boston, that's right. In Boston, yeah. We met a rapper in Boston. I found out afterwards he was a rapper.

I just thought he was some fucking quiet kid hanging out. Yeah, I was listening since high school, so that just rubbed the salt in the wind. Okay, wow. Three or four years. Wow. Yeah, I just did that. Yeah. Okay. Well, Heath, are you a big gangster rap guy? I try to be. Uh-oh. Why are you asking that question? I don't know. I just felt like it might be time for a rap battle. Yeah. No. Elaine. What are you doing? You're going to have him rap? Newsflash, you're saying Gatorade. I just feel like if you're a fan of rap at some point, if you have time off and you missed a flag, you probably would-I'm such a fan of rap that I'm not going to rap on stage right now. Okay, well, you could have just... Good move. Thank you. Great move. If it's coming from the black guy, it probably isn't your goal. Yeah, exactly. Great move. Well, Heath, another fun 50 seconds. You write waiting is not easy, and you wait. You use your golden ticket wisely and only come in when you're ready for it. And I love it. You're a very promising young buck.Thank you.

Congratulations. 21-year-old, Keith Cordis, ladies and gentlemen. I'll see you tonight, Keith. No condoms necessary. Way to fuck up, dude. Celia. Oh, my goodness. Thank you so much. I need that. All right, pulled another name out of the bucket. Here we go. 60 seconds uninterrupted from Andrew Gainsberg. Here comes Andrew Gainsberg, everybody. Here he is. Come on, make some noise for Andrew, everyone. I got called for jury duty last week. I haven't had to do that in a while. I was a little nervous. I haven't had to do in a bit. I don't know anything about the justice system. I've seen 895 episodes of Judge Judy, but that's it, so I didn't know what to expect. You know what I mean? But my friends told me, Don't worry, there's a really long orientation before they start, so they'll teach you everything you need to know about sending somebody to jail. But they didn't tell us anything about that. For 30 minutes, the lady behind the counter, all she told us about was how to fill out the address section of the juror form the whole time I was there. The whole time, she was just like, If you live in a house, you're not going to put an apartment number on the form.

You live in a house. Sir, why are you putting an apartment number on the form? You live in a house. This went on for 30 fucking minutes. And I I'm saying to myself, why are they telling us about this instead of anything about the justice system? Why are they telling us about this address form? It dawned on me. The other people in my group, they couldn't fill out the address form. They were struggling with it. It just got me thinking, these are your peers. This is the jury. If you commit a crime, these fucking people are going to sentence you to prison. They can't even fill out the fucking address for him. There's a lady in my group being in a Klondike bar at 9:30 in the morning. You fucking kidding me? If you eat ice cream before lunch, you're not qualified to send somebody to prison. I'm sorry. That's how I feel about that. Started taking my anger out on the I was like, Dude, you studied law for what? 20 years? You need help from 30 random fucking weirdos? How do you make a decision? Get it together. Use your brain. You're a lawyer.

It's like if I went to the doctor and he was like, I think you have... Good Lord Almighty, Andrew. Jesus Christ. Holy shit. Well, here's someone who's not going to get a titty fuck. Oh, my God. What the fuck was that? Hi, Andrew. Hey, how are you doing, Joe? How long have you been doing stand-up for? Six years. Oh, boy. Sorry. All right. What was that? I'll tell you the truth. Yeah, please do. I have a tight set, but my friends are saying if you got on the show to do something that you're excited about, that's new, and it just didn't translate. Oh, wow. Your friends fucked you. Yeah. Your friends hate you, Andrew Gainsberg. They sure do. Why don't you give us an example? Six years in the game, why don't you do your best joke? Okay. Yeah. I just turned 35 recently. Thank you. Now I'm hanging out with all 25-year-olds now. I realized All my real friends got married and moved to the suburbs and had kids, so I had to regroup. I'm hanging all the 25-year-olds.Oh, shit.No, I'm not done. Oh, shit. Maybe I will give you that Teddy five. Oh, shit.I'm just nervous.You live in New York?

Yeah. You know how I know? You do that. New Yorkers do that, and they do this. Something to keep an eye on. They can't fucking help them. Another thing is, it's fucking terrible. You make up for a lack of everything with this fucking... Yeah, you can't help yourself. Just bombing and fucking moving them like, Hey, you can't tell them bombing. Look over here. Fucking New York tricks. Ian, am I correct? You've seen this before, right? Yeah, I've seen that before. Listen, man, the only way you can save the rest of your time up here is if your dad got killed by a bunch of baseball bats. She's not wrong. If you caught your girlfriend cheating, You better have some tragedy. Yeah, Gainsberg. We got to get into it. You got to save this with an interview, dude. Look, he's doing the double-hand thing, doesn't even know it. I could go on and on, people. I study this art for him. I've known him. By the way, Shane and Atel do the double-hand thing, but they can get away with it. It's their thing. That's why the rest of them are doing it. Anyway, just got to get that disclaimer out there before everybody fucking loses their minds.

You suck. Let's get into it. Six years, your new minute sucks. Your best joke sucks. Well, I tripped on that. I'm sorry. Okay. I'm so nervous. Okay. Apologies, don't work here, but it's okay. Tell us, what's good stuff that's happening from you doing stand-up comedy? Why do you continue to do this to yourself? Well, normally I get laughs. I know that seems unbelievable right now in this particular moment. Let me tell you something, because I mentioned this earlier. It's a hot crowd. I can't believe the stuff that I've heard them laugh at tonight. I know. But I normally do get laughs. I was honestly I'm proud of them. It's staying solid for your wretched set because I'm like, wow, normally they laugh on Cadence alone, where there should be a laugh, but they kept it real on this one. They realized like, Oh, shit, we're going to watch an actual bombing here today. Yeah. I would have rather you queefed into the microphone. Me too. If you could do that, that would be amazing. If you could do that. But you are nervous as a part of it, right? I'm nervous. I don't feel that great, to be honest with you.

Okay. Why don't you... Hold on. I'm sorry to interrupt, Elaine. Why don't you feel great? Well, to be honest with you, Tony, the pollen in Austin is killing me, and I'm just dying. Oh, you fucking fag. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear it. Oh, my God. This is the truth. Take some Claire, you fucking Jew. I did say that I went to a bar mitzvah 20 years ago. Oh, my God. Why would you say that shit? It's the truth. Are you from New York? What the fuck is wrong with you? I'm from Jersey. What do you mean you're from Jersey? But you live in New York. I live in New York. Right. So you're originally from... You're trying to clean a same jersey all of a sudden? No, I'm just saying that's where I'm from. Okay. All right. I actually get the type of comedy he was trying to do. Sure. It didn't hit. So I understand. I can see where that would work. Sure. But if I ever hear you tell some niggas about your pollen allergies. Understood. Ever again, like, Everybody that booed, you were on fucking point.

Yeah, it is something else. The pollen has gotten the best of you. When did you arrive here to Austin, Texas, a place that naturally is pushing you away? Thursday night. Thursday night. The pollen just started flying up in your nostrils and you're like, oi ve. Pretty much. I mean, that's it. Wow. Well, you have to rise above it. There's going to be other hardships that come your way, right? I'll take that as a note. Joe Robin fights through Poland. I'm sure he does. It's true. I'm sure he does. I like that nature tried to stop this set. Exactly. Texas has a way of keeping a certain type of people up in New York. You know what I mean?. Do your Allergies affect you in other places. We do have allergies here. People get them. The weak people. Yeah. Just Texas. No, they affect me in other places. Right. Tell us some more super Jew-y things about you. Well, I'm only half Jewish. My mom's Italian. Oh, wow. You know those Italians and their allergies. You know what I mean? So I'm not all the way. All right. Okay. I wanted to tell you the truth about that, too.

Oh, you always say. I'm going to be honest. I'm going to tell you the truth. I'm going to be honest here. Tony, I'm going to tell you the truth. You're a fucking... You're a little liar, aren't you? No, not about this. Now, riddle me this. Gainsbourg is your last name. What's your first name? Andrew. Andrew, if you were to tell a lie that was funnier than the truth, What would it... Your excuse was not pollen. What could you come up with that might be funny to say instead of I'm allergic to fucking flowers? I was doing meth till 9:30 in the morning. I'm sorry. All right. Well, we try. I'll tell you the truth, Elaine. I'm allergic to Palestine. That's funny. That is. All right. Now, how do you write? Do you write? I do write, yes. Yeah. In an unfunny chamber? I mean, I write as much as I can. Give us your second best joke. I want to hear your second best joke. We went through the 35, 25. You're up here for a reason. We still think that's something is. Six years in the game. Let's hear your second best joke. Take a deep breath first.

All right. I appreciate it. Yeah, well, that's just going to put more pollen in his nasal passage. We're going to give you a fucking... What's that shot? We're going to give you an epinephrine or something. All right. Okay, There we go. His second best joke, six years. I'll tell you the truth. Here he goes. I'm going to be honest. I just found out that my cat has diabetes, which is strange. I never had a cat before. It's like having a girlfriend again. I just follow her in my apartment saying, I'm sorry, and wondering why she hates me so much. It turns to the same I came home the other day and she was in the corner of my apartment. She's peeing and she's crying. I'm like, First of all, this is New York. Pay rent. That's my corner for peeing and crying. Then I took her to the vet and the vet said she has diabetes. I'm like, How does a cat get diabetes? All my friends are like, What are you feeding your cat? I'm giving the cat cat food, dude. My cat can't speak. I don't know if my cat's in pain. My mom has diabetes and that makes more sense because I call her every Sunday and I'm like, Mom, what are you making for dinner?

And she's like, I'm having a nice healthy cake. I'm like, Okay, get why you have diabetes? That makes sense. My cat doesn't walk... Is that Seinfeldy? That was Kramer. Whatwhat the fuck was that? Oh, my God. This is an anomaly. I love the commitment, though. Yeah. I can't get diabetes. I promise I'm not crazy. Everybody got diabetes. Do you say I promise I'm not crazy? Yeah. Well, that's why you should open the whole set. Yeah. Because that's funny. That's honest. You are a little crazy, though, huh? I guess so. Tell us something real and crazy about you that would surprise us. Give us something from your Italian side. Do you ever do anything exciting or anything at all? Really? Anything other than complainy, whiny, unfunny bullshit. That hurts, Tony. This is the show you signed up for. No, I understand. Okay, let's go. What's something that would surprise us about you, Gainsberg? I don't know if you'd find it surprising, but I've been asked to officiate six weddings. Our I could believe that. Yeah, it's not surprising at all. It seems like that's what you would be good at.Thank you.A very serious speaking role. Is it in the real world or on Sims?

Yeah. I Real world? The real world. I still can't get over. You saw a guy that was 21 years old that is suffering with some shit. Do his material. Another guy, his dad died. And then you're like, I have a pollen. You know how much damage was up here? He's right. You think you've ever killed before? Six years in the game? Have you ever killed? I promise I do. You promise you do? I have, yeah. You have. I go up every day. You go up every day. Yeah. And that's what you did. You have a third best joke that might hit here? Who wants Sears? I know. I know. We're 11 minutes into this, guys. People are going to be like, How did you keep him up here? I don't care. I want to hear your third best joke. If cat has diabetes as number two, and I'm 35, 25 hanging out with 25 is number one. No, it's not number one. Because you got to have a killer. I didn't finish that. Okay, let's start. The third best joke, ladies and gentlemen, here he is. Try to think of one that maybe has a short set up and a big punch.

Here we go. Andrew Gainsberg. Six years of New York Comedy, supposedly the Comedy capital of the world. Here is Andrew Gainsberg, six years into being a New York comedian. New Jersey. No, he's been doing it in New York. Originally from New Jersey. But here he is, New York comedian, everybody. Andrew Gainsberg. Yeah, we already did this. Go head into it. I'll be honest. Okay, go ahead. I was saying to my friends, I feel like I'm a raging alcoholic. You know what I mean? They're like, It makes you say that, Gainsberg. You're not partying that hard. I'm like, I don't know. If you wake up every single big night, you're googling a mind, an alcoholic, you're definitely an alcoholic, right? I feel like most people don't do that. They're not like, Should you have shit in a blender last night? Did people do that? What's the third result say on this Google search? I'm trying to roll. That's not fair. This is fucking amazing. This is amazing. Gainsberg, let me ask you something. I've noticed, and at first I thought there was no way that it was really happening. But I've noticed that you do this thing.

You know what you do? No, sir. This thing where you fucking… Have you noticed that you do that? Yeah. What is that? That's some Jersey shit. Some Jersey shit. Some Jersey shit. Some Jersey shit. Some Jersey shit. Some Jersey shit. Some Jersey shit. Some Jersey shit. Again, no, he's a New York comedian. I want those New York comics to see one of their own out here just fucking… You're on lineups out there, right? Yeah. Yeah, up there with everybody else. This is what's going on in New York Comedy right now, right? It's not my best night. It's not my best night. That is one of the funniest things you've said in 13 and a half minutes. Holy shit. We got to get you out here, dude. You tried your best, though, right? You feel good? No, I don't. I'm sorry. There you go. There's a little bit of honesty in the moment. A little jokebook. There he goes. Andrew Gensberg, ladies and gentlemen.Thank you. There he goes. Wow. Wow. That is what this show is all about right there. Sometimes you're watching the future, and sometimes you're watching the past in real-time. Anything can happen.

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Put your hands together. Another bucket pool. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Matt Sturm, everybody. Here we go. Matt Sturm. Hey, guys. Fuck. How's it going? I'm getting a little fat. You're not fat. Why are you laughing, man? You're a little fat. You are. You piece of... No, you're a good guy. I'm getting a little fat, guys. I was with a girl recently. She tried to titty fuck me. Yeah, you ever have that happen? She was starting to milk me like a fucking ravaging beast. She was fucking pulling my tits and shit. I'm Matt, by the way. I'm German and Jewish, so I want to kill myself. Yeah, it's not a joke. What else, guys? Fuck, man. Passion of the Christ 2 came out quick. I can do this fast. Passion of the Christ 2 came out quickly. Mel Gibson announced it. It's a good time for him to hate Jews, right? Fuck. You can laugh. I just said I'm Jewish. It's okay. How do you guys feel about Hamas? You like Hamas? No. You don't like it, huh? What? What did you say? Oh, that's it.Wow.Wow. All right. It looks like Gainsberg cursed the show. Yeah, I know.

All right, Matt, relax, relax. Take a breath for a moment. I'm fat, so I can't fucking breathe, man. Okay, Matt, relax. How long have you been doing stand-up? Just about a little longer than Gainsberg. Okay. Why don't you tell us how long you've been doing stand-up, Matt? Oh, about eight years. Eight years? Where at? Where at? Well, it's been hard because I'm from Vermont originally. I live in Connecticut, the dreaded Connecticut. I would have to take a train in New York, do a bunch of New York scene. Another New York comedian, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. Oh, does that work there? No. Okay. Listen, man, I'm from New York. These niggas is not from New York. I'm not. I'm from New England. You look hot. No, you're a comedy store guy, Ian. Did you start in New York? Yeah, I started in New York. Yeah. I did the Boston, the cellar. Then I moved to LA, and I'm a store I'm a bull for my Eric. You're a true store guy, though. I mean, I've known you there every week for 17 years, right? Yeah. You're in a great team. I've never seen you ask a random crowd member when you're bombing, Hey, you into Hamas?

Yeah. This guy got thrown off by everything, by the way. Nobody in New York would do that shit. It's a good question. That's not a bad question. I don't know the answer, but... Well, you look like you drive Uber. Do you drive Uber? I've been in an Uber. Okay, it's a start. What do you do for work? I'm looking for work. I don't have a job. What was your last job? I worked at a restaurant. I was a waiter. Okay. How long did you do that for? Fucking 10 years. How recently did you lose that job? About six months, man. Okay, so how do you have enough money to survive? Six months? I was in my mom's basement. I wasn't doing shit, man. So I came down here. How long have you been here? I've been here about a little more than a month, I think. How's it going? I love it. I'm having a fucking blast, man. What are you doing for fun here that you're having such a blast? I'm just going to all sorts of mics and shows and having a good time, being around other awesome comics that are really nice.

The scene's really tight knit. There's a lot of cool guys around here that are super nice. Wow, what an adorable That's a terrible answer. Okay, what do you do for fun? Anything other than stand-up comedy? Oh, Tony, sometimes I just take a long fucking look at the river and I think about that lady... The gay man that Have you been murdering there? Yeah, well, the Lady Bird Lake killer still is at rise. We don't know who it is, but there's some rumors. Don't make me do it again, Red Man. Is Gainsberg staying with you while he's out here? No, I met him tonight, but we're from the same-Okay, are you sure? Well, I recognized him from New York. You're both half Jewish from the East Coast. Well, only a few of us survived that thing that happened. Topical. Uh-oh. Let's talk about it here, Matt. You do recognize Gainsberg from New York's Comedy Seat. I've seen his face for sure. We talked. Let's do a fun thing. Since we had him try this, why don't we hear your best joke? You didn't do it tonight. You were saying what else in 35 seconds. Let's do a little fun thing.

Oh, yeah. A little New York edition of your best joke. Eight years as a stand-up comedian, grinding and grueling, taking a train, am I correct, from Connecticut to New York City? Yeah, grinding and grueling, slinging my fucking good ass jokes. Okay, here you are. Your best joke, ladies and gentlemen, Matt Sturm, and go. I'm gay. Oh, crickets. No. Oh, okay. My best joke, I'm bad at one-liners, Tony. Do a good one. Okay, hell, yeah, man. Fuck. On the spot, just do. No, not the right one. Matt, don't make more noises into the microphone. It's not helping you. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Just listen. Wait, so when you were working at the restaurant, if they were like, Hey, how's the Caesar salad? Will you just go, I'm gay, and pull your shirt up? Yes, yes. That's how I got my tips. Okay, so stick with me here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. In eight years of stand I'm not asking you to write a joke now. I'm asking you to do the best joke you've ever written. The best joke I've ever written. There you go. What's the best joke I've ever written? There he goes. Matt Stern, everybody.

There you go. I don't know. I don't know what the best joke is. Bye, bye. Hey, Matt. There he goes. Very good. Do not touch these people anymore. No more handshakes or high fives or anything, by the way. That's not a thing. Two New York comedians back to back, and now… Tony. Sorry, Ian. By the way, I don't know why you're claiming New York. This is like-He said he's from Connecticut. Where they do stand-up is what I'm counting here. He goes I'm not going to get to New York, but it obviously is not for stand-up. I don't care where they sleep. It's where they perform. These guys are on lineups in New York City. Anyway, your next comedian is a regular on this show. You're going to see 60 seconds uninterrupted from an Austin comedian that works here full-time. Let's see what happens. This is a brand new minute. This guy has to do this every single week. He's not reaching for a minute of the best standup that he's done in eight years. This is a brand new minute from the one and only Cam Patterson, everybody. Hey, them last niggas was terrible, though.

We was recently in Utah, and usually when I go to a state, they usually got most white people. I look up on the Internet what side of the Civil War they was on. Because you have to to be safe as a black man, right? And Utah wasn't even a state when the Civil War was going on, but whoever the fuck was in Utah sided with the Union. And that's cool. That's great. Good team. I fuck with them. You know what I'm saying? I like that a lot. But I will tell you that the population in Utah of black people is 1.6. So even though they were like, We don't fuck with slavery, they also were like, We don't want two niggas over here neither. Stay the fuck out of Utah, bitch. I will tell you, I like Utah because they got mountains, though. I never thought I was going to be able to see Mount Everest that close. You feel me? What's so fucking funny, though? I'm from Florida. Every mountain to me is Mount Everest, bitch. I only know three mountains, Mount Everest, Mount Kilimajaro, big word, and Splash Mountain, dumb ass. How about you all?

One minute, nine seconds from a man that has to write a new minute every week in front of a million people, Kam Patterson. I don't know how this turned into a New York versus Austin fucking Harlem globe daughter's game, but I love it. Come on, man. This is what we do, baby. Just a professional balling all over two white nerds. Them niggas was, Hey, the last nigga, the nigga that went before Heef. Yeah. Jerry, you all let that nigga go home? What do you mean? He's a fucking serial killer, though. Oh, I know. Nobody stopped. I talk to nobody. Somebody arrest this nigga, though. He kills people. He fucking murders people, man. It's fucked up how they wait to find the body. Yeah. It's like, he right here. He's right there. Just get him. Get him right now, man. He gets rid of the body. See, not only does he seem like a murder, but he also seems like the guy that knows the chemical compound to put in to put the body into the barrel for the body to disintegrate completely. I've never seen anybody look more like a sniper. Bro. You kept asking, you was like, So who do you talk to?

I don't talk to nobody. What about your parents? What parents? But that nigga terrified the fuck out of me, though. I was in the bed like, Nobody sees this nigga. Nobody sees Jeffrey Dolman's reincarnated, nigga? That shit pissed me Come on, man. Okay, Cam, you've never talked to yourself late at night, just laying in bed, being like, Look how great my big back cock is. You ever do that? I talk to myself. I think everyone does it, but you're right, his is a little crazier. Remember the first time I met you? Yes. You do? Yes, it was Applebee's. No. You came to the Atlanta Impro when I first started doing comedy, and I asked you to do a guest spot. That's right. You looked me dead in my face and eat my pussy, nigger. I said, No, I don't want to do that. Then I didn't do You didn't do that? Well, the night is young, my friend. I remember, too. I remember I said, What's your name? And you go, Cam. And I go, What's your last name? You go, Patterson. I go, God, I just want to get it right when I tell the police.

It's good to see. But you remind me of my old driver, Cam, so it's good to see you. Like driving Miss Daisy, nigga? I know that movie. I know that movie. Yeah, okay. It's a classic. Denzel was in it. Wasn't Denzel in that movie? I think so, yeah. No, it was Morgan Friedmann. Damn. The white people got me, though. I'm forgetting black people now. I'm fucking up. I'm fucking up. That looked really fun. You guys having a good time. That looked really fun. You were crushing at the Orlando Improf. That was good. Look at you now. Come on now. You're grinding. It's good for you. Yeah. I'm very proud of you. Working our asses off until you feel me. Good for you. You have to. I do feel you. You crushed harder than Leno's dad with that bat. There's a joke there somewhere, but yeah. You're murdering tonight is what I'm saying. Yeah, I killed his dad. Okay. I don't know why I said that. Take that out, please. Kam, you don't waste your words is what I appreciate. You're getting tired with your jokes. Thank you. A very natural editor. It's very, very visible on these shows that we're doing on the road in massive theaters.

Kam has a brand new tour coming up. Where are those tickets at? Kamsofunny. No, yeah, kamsofunny. Com. I pretty said that's it. Kam with one S, So Funny? Two O's. Two O's. Kam, Kam, Soul Funny. Oh, God. Oh, that's a terrible idea. I made that shit. Do you hate selling tickets? You'd be better with so it, like S-E-W. When somebody tell my dad that, nigga, he don't know the difference. Oh, your dad that literally can't spell. Oh, you got to be kidding me. Your dad came up with your website, Dave. That's a great answer. We put two O's on. He literally thought he was I'm selling it correctly. This is where having a father hurts you. Kam, you're absolutely killing it. Thank you for reminding everybody how good a second be on this show. Great to see you, player. Two years in the game, by the way. Kam Patterson. Two years. You see what's going on. Hey, all, this podcast This podcast is sponsored by Liquid Death. There are two things I love in this world, liquid and death. You know what liquid I like? Water. You've seen the cans before to the naked eye.

It may look like a beer or some crazy energy drink, but of course, it's not. It is delicious water. Maybe you've noticed a coworker cracking a tall boy in your 9 AM meeting and you thought they were a dirty alcoholic. Well, you were wrong because they were drinking Liquid Death. Liquid Death is actually a healthy beverage brand that makes mountain spring water, low sugar sodas, and low sugar ice teas, too. I bet you're wondering why a health beverage be called Liquid Death. Who knows better than that than Red Man? Well, Tony, that's because Liquid Death will brutally murder your thirst and their infinitely recyclable cans are helping to bring death to single-use plastic bottles. Liquid Death also donates a portion of profits from every can sold to help kill plastic pollution. Well put, Red Band. My favorite flavor is convicted melon, and I drink it every time I need a cold, refreshing beverage. It's also super fun to drink in public because people think it's a beer, and beer makes you look cool, and I like looking cool. But you know what else is cool? Staying hydrated. Get free shipping of Liquid Death's Mountain Water's flavors sparkling and Iced Tea 8-Packs with Amazon Prime, or grab a can or a case at your local 711, Target Walmart, or Whole Foods.

It's a lot of options to get things. Go to liquiddeath. Com/toni to check out all their healthy, infinitely recyclable beverages and find your closest retailer. That's liquiddeath. Com/tony. Liquiddeath. Com/tony. We're back to the bucket, ladies and gentlemen. Let's see what happens here. You've seen how crazy it can get. This is 60 Seconds Uninterrupted by Davy Jackson, the Kill Tony debut or reappearance of Davy Jackson. I've been Trying out some new jerk-off techniques. Actually, invented a couple of new techniques, not to brag, but one of them is very similar to the stranger. I feel like the Kill Tony universe is pretty familiar with the stranger. All right. Yeah, for those of you that don't know, It's a jerk off technique where you sit on your own hand until it goes numb, and then you jerk off, and it feels like a stranger's jerking you off. Yeah, pretty cool technique. I can't take credit for that one. I did not invent it, but the one I invented is actually very similar, though. It's called the reverse stranger. That's right. It's where you sit on your own dick until it goes numb. Then you jerk off, and it feels like you're jerking off a stranger.

Pretty fucking cool, guys. That's a good one. Not a bad technique. Yeah. That's a good one. This final technique is the one I'm most excited about. Been trying it out a lot. It's where you sit on someone else's dick until it goes numb. That is actually just gay. It's very, very gay. Been going through a lot. Pretty confused. I'm Davy Jackson. Thank There you go. Davy Jackson. Welcome back. You've been on this show before. Yes, sir. I remember you well. So welcome back.Thank you.How's life going for you? It's good, man. I got too confident and put my hair in a ponytail tonight, which I felt good about. But then one of my friends told me I looked like a founding father. I was pretty upset about that. Hell, yeah. Four fathers. I'm trying to fuck a girl with no fathers. Wow. Wow, look at this. He was ready for an interview on Kill Tony. This is incredible. Almost someone that seemed like they wanted to be on a comedy show. How's the pollen affecting you today? Bro, I don't know what that's in reference to, but I've been snorting a lot of coke, so I don't know if it's the pollen.

Very good. Where's the craziest place you've done cocaine at? Off of Ms. Doubtflamer's tits, I guess. Doubtflamer. Was Doubtflamer, was that a joke or was that a slip-up? I think he's calling you a gay, Mrs. Doubtfire. Okay, fair enough. Well, you just talked yourself out of a titty fuck, my friend. So the joke's on you. Sit on your own dick again, huh? Oh, boy. Oh, my God. Sipping on the Sis-erp over here. The great Elaine. Okay, Davy Jackson, I remember you used to sell what? Pain pills or OxyContin or something like that? What was it? Any pills. Right, you were selling pills. What are you up to nowadays? I just got a hernia. Okay, how did you do that? Congratulations. Thank you. Literally blowing my nose too hard. My guts popped out. Wow. How old are you? What's that? How old are you? Forty. Fuck. God, that's scary. Oh, my God. Yeah, just wait till you get my age. Your clit starts growing pubic hair. Why don't you just sit on your own dick again? No, I'm sorry. It sucks. Getting older, it sucks. I'm going to tell you, so the hernia thing, I feel bad for you.

Well, how did you fix it? What did you do? I haven't gotten it fixed yet. It's still fucking there. I have to go for surgery, so guess who's re-upping on pain pills? Let's fucking go. Let's go. Okay. Business is a booming. What's your love life like right now? You're a good-looking guy. Ponytail energies. I appreciate that. Dude, it's shit right now, actually. How's that possible? Dude, I think I fucked all the Latin girls in San Antonio. I think I just ran through all of them. Okay. I'm having to go to white girls, and they're boring as fuck. Holy shit, you all are boring. What's the difference? Between a A young girl and a white girl? Yes.literally everything.Yeah. See, there they are.Yeah. Run down the list. One makes you peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, the other one stabs you. There we go. That's a big difference. Yeah. Who's crazy in the bedroom? They come with kids, and that's great. I love kids. Not like that, but I... Okay. I walked into that one. You do dress like a softball coach that beats the children. Which is a tough gig to get. I wore the vest tonight.

I thought Tony would be wearing one, too. I am a big supporter of the vest.Thank you.I appreciate that. Just got a new one this weekend. My friend gave me a new vest. I'm excited about it. It's got a fur interior. You'll probably see it on the next Next episode of Kill Tony. Vests are fun. When I first got here, I started dressing like a cowboy for a while. Then I'm looking out and the real cowboys wear vests. You're from Texas? Yeah, exactly. See what I mean? I'm like, Wait, what's the thing with the vest? I'm like, It's weird because your arms are going to get chilly and your body's going to be warm. I don't get it. Then I tried it. Fucking unbelievable. It looks so cool. It's unbelievable. It's a fucking no-brainer. It's a purse. It's also a fanny pack, a purse, you name it. It connects everything. Instead of having a big bundle of keys, you know what I mean? For all the natural amenities that you have in your life, you know what I mean? In your pocket, you have them in your vest pocket. He's talking about drugs, people. What the fuck?

Do you wear a condom when you fuck? Well, when he's with a Latina check, yes. I try to. I really do try to. But But it's actually the Latin girls. It just ends up coming off every time. Yeah. Do they take it off or do you take it off? Or is it... It's a joint effort, I think. Does it just disappear from wishful thinking? They just snatch it up in their pussy. Okay. I didn't even like that the way you said that. Yeah, that was... I've been offering up free Teddy fucks, but that was crossing the line, sir. Davy, you already have a big jokebook, right? I do, yes. Well, we're just going to red band? I would like to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. Wow. Look at that. On a real show. A real set up, a real punchline, a real 60 seconds from Davy Jackson. This handwriting is pretty bad, but I'm going to try this anyway. It's Jose. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi, everybody? Make sure you follow her. Gina with three A's. Hg or something like that. I don't know. Kam's so funny dot com. Figure it out.

All right, this last name is a tough one. This is out of the bucket. Make some noise for Jose Veneas, or Vanellas or Oineas. Here he is. Jose, everybody. Make some noise for Jose. These people wait all day for this. I used to weigh well over 300 pounds. Doctors kept calling me weird names like severely unhealthy or morbidly obese. I just thought I was and lovable. I also suffered from what I believe a lot of people also struggle with in this room. It's called being stupid. I only say I was stupid because I let my mom do my back to school shopping at Tractor Supply. She got me a shirt, had a picture of a barn on it. It said, and I quote, What happens in the barn stays in the barn. That's bestiality 101, guys. I I don't know what to tell you. I don't know. All right, before I go, I have a buddy, his name's nick. Every time I see him, I go, Hey, nick, nick, nick, nick, Nickelodian. You guys get it? It's because he's a pedophile. Hi. Wow. All right. Okay. Jose, how do you say that last name? Ornelas.

Ornelas. Wow. Okay. Hi, Jose. How long have you been doing stand-up in New Tony. A little over a year. You are in New York? No, sir. Oh, Jesus. Where at? Almost having San Antonio. San Marcos. Where? San Antonio. San Antonio. Yes, sir. You're close. You see how fucking dialed in I am? I can tell you the freeway to get there right now. That's the New York of Texas. It is. Everyone knows that. It is. San Marcos is the least funny part of Texas. Okay, Jose, God awful appearance. I mean, unbelievably bad. Incredible. Yeah, you made Andrew Gainsberg look like Dave Chappelle. You brought the show down to a new low. You've seen the show before, correct? Oh, I mean, of course not, sir. You haven't seen the show? I mean, I've seen clips. I've seen what happens. Do you know what happens at this part? Yeah, this is where I get flamed, dog. Well, not necessarily. Can you tell us interesting things about your life that maybe would have been more interesting for you to talk about tonight in your minute? Any fun facts about you that you think makes you different than everybody else here?

Different than everybody? Well, first of all, I'm me. All right, type shit, type shit, first of all.Thank you. What? What? What? What did you just say? Did you just say, I'm me? I'm me.We're all you, dude.We're all you, dude. We're all you. All right, all right, all right, all right. You want something real? You want something real? You want something real? Elementary school, right? I was feeling not too I went to use the restroom. I had to take a number two, and then I threw up in my underwear. You know what? I still had to walk to class to tell my teacher, Hey, I got to go to the nurse. So did you or did you not shit your pants? No, I shit in the toilet, but I I grew up in my pants. Have you ever done that? No. Exactly. What the fuck are you talking about? Fucking New Lo's, dude. New Lo's? No. Elaine, stop. You're going to make it funny. Sorry. No. Jose, I'm going to save you. I'm going to get you out of here right now. No, don't do Yeah, I'm going to do it. You got to go, buddy.

No jokebook. Keep at it. No little jokebook, no big jokebook. Prepare next time. Do a minute of stand-up comedy. It's okay. There he goes. Jose, ladies and gentlemen. There goes Jose. But you know what? I want to do something really special right now. Because we've seen some bombs tonight. We've hit some lows, and you saw Cam Patterson bring it back. You saw Casey Rocket come out with energy and silliness and fun punch lines. Let's do something really, really fun. When you hear that noise, you know some shit's about to go down. Someone, one of our regulars, has taken a long hiatus to prepare for his rematch at the Forum. It has been months since this man has done a minute on the show. If you know the words, sing it. Ladies and gentlemen, And this is Hans Kim. I told you it's not easy. I love it here in Texas because I could say retard here. Just can't jerk off to them anymore. Just got to picture it in your head like the good old days. Yeah, I love the ladies. A lot of ladies get mad at me because they send me nudes, and I don't send nudes in return.

I'm like, Why would I return a gift with a felony? I was recently in San Francisco. It's the mecca of Asians. I love San Francisco. It's the only place Asian women have asses. I was like, Holy shit, is that an Asian girl with an ass or a 12-year-old Latino boy? Thank you. Wow. Hans Kim. I miss you, buddy. I miss you, too, Tony. Wow. The pop from the crowd was insane. The return of one of the all-time greats. You've watched him write and perform hundreds and hundreds of minutes on this show, and here he is, back, better than ever, still Asian. You could tell that he's coming off a weekend with me in Utah, which keeps being a running theme on the show because I did take him and Cam Patterson and Casey Rocket to Utah. Hans is the only one, baller enough to go straight to the airport and buy a shirt. Try to get the people on his side right from the arrival. How did you end up with a Utah hoodie like that? I didn't check the weather. I thought it'd be Texas, beautiful and habitable to human beings. Unless you're allergic to pollen.

It makes you unfunny. I don't know if you guys have the same reaction of Pauline as Andrew Gainsberg. Did you happen to see Andrew Gainsberg earlier? Yeah, he was there. Apparently, he's allergic to jokes. My sweet, sweet Hans, Kim. Elaine, what do you think about Hans? Well, as far as Asian comedians go, you're pretty good. No, Hans, you're very funny. Your jokes are always on point. You're always writing the new stuff. You got to Utah. What'd you see? What'd you do? Utah was great. Women are very beautiful there. Mormons, they're beautiful, but they don't put out. You can look, but don't touch. That was my policy. But I did do a little bit of There you go. Hans. How does Hans Kim find... What's your move on the road? You know what I'm saying? You slide into DM's. What do you do? I just hang around and wait for someone famous to invite women to the show. What? Okay. What the fuck, Hans? I don't even know what you're talking about. Why would I do that? I'm gay, remember? I love being gay. It's a song. Penus in the butt. There you go. Thank you, Red Band, for the easy out there.

Okay, I love it. Hans, anything else we should know about? What do you want to plug something? I'm in North Carolina, South Carolina, coming up soon, doing a bunch of dates there, so check it out on my website. I have-It's also in North and South Korea coming up. Okay, what else? I am in an open relationship, so feel free to take advantage of that. Hans is what you think he is. He's brutally honest and ridiculously horny. What's the oldest chick you've been with, Hans?What'd you say, Elaine?What's the oldest chick you've been with? Probably like, 68. Holy shit. Oh, my God. Hold on. The guy that I've interviewed the most that's been on this show tonight, and we find this out right now. Yeah, Elaine brought it out of me. Yeah. Why? I'd like to put it in me. Tell us about this 68-year-old, Hans. Where were you? I was in Seattle, Washington, doing open mics. This is Asian. She was a grandmother. Or no, she was just a mother. I guess she had a really young daughter. I didn't meet the daughter. There was no weirdness. So you don't think the 68 was weird? Wait, she saw you at an open mic, and she's like, You're funny.

Come back to my place. She never said I was funny, but I pictured it in my head. You went back to her place? Yes. Okay. Tell us how this goes down exactly. It was great. She actually did this thing where I was a missionary, and then she put her legs in between mine, and she squeezed, and it was like a 49-year-old vagina. Wow. Wow. Elaine, do you know about this move? Well, I do know that if you're 69 and 68-year-old, you get a free bowl of chicken fried rice. If it's Asian on Asian, which sounds like it was. Yeah? Yeah. Now, are you only attracted to old Asians or does an old white ever sneak in there? I'm attracted to young Asians, but I was an open micer. That was all I could get. But she was great. Okay. Did you wear a condom? I think so, yeah. She was pretty responsible. With a 68-year-old. Yeah, she probably had a lot of history. She probably did. It's not like you could get her pregnant, so I guess she was good. If it's over 60, I can vouch, Hans. There's a lot of stuff up. I've got a DVD of Fraser on my pussy right now.

I can confirm. I see the corner of it hanging out. There really is a DVD of Fraser in Elaine's pussy right now. Red Band. What was she wearing? Was she like, sweat pants? She had two bags. She have a Samurai sword on her, something like that, some type of-What does she have, Hans? Was she wearing a Asian takeout box? She looked a lot like Elaine's outfit tonight. No, she looked like a young user. Everything looked great until the face was a little old, but other than that, it looked like it wasn't what I was doing. Wow. I don't know if that last sentence added up for it, Hans. Now, what's your move with a 68-year-old? That's my last question. What's your move? How do you grease the wheels? I'm just like, Hey, you got any cookies for me? I'll sit on your lap. I'm down. She's like, You ever heard of Andrew Gainsberg? Yeah, he's got allergies, I think. Is that him? Yeah, Yeah, he's a great guy. Okay. Do you think you made her orgasm? Definitely not. Definitely not. What happened exactly? Did you not last long? No, she was just like, I'm 68.

I'm not going to let you make me come like that. Wow, she told you that? Yeah. God, see how asking another question sometimes gets you to the fucking end zone? She told you specifically that you weren't going to make her come. Yeah. She could tell. She's You're not good enough. Was she a massage therapist or something? What was she? Do you know what she did for a living? Do you know what she did for work? No, she was just normal Asian. So yes. What was her place like? It was like a house in Seattle, two stories, pretty nice. You walked in and you just heard... I actually know that song. Did you just play that? Yeah, that was me. John, stop. Let me shine for a second. Stop playing it right, John. I'm backwards. I'm backwards. That's pretty good. I'm trying my best. Other way. Shut up, Muelling. You ate a hamburger during soundcheck, you fucking faggot. He's trying to get revenge on me over here. Play it right. No one cares about the notes. I can play the... There you go. Oh my God. God damn it. No, that was it. The OCD and the MSG are all mixing right now.

This is incredible. All right, Hans, you're a fucking legend. His first appearance in months. Thank you, Tony. Do you want to say anything to Rick Dias out there? I'm sure he's watching. You're a bad person, and everyone's going to know it soon. Wow. He's looking for his second victory in a row. Hans Kim, live from the Forum in Los Angeles. Kill Tony makes its return to LA at The Kea Forum. What a special treat, huh? All right, the show's going long, but let's get one more bucket pull out here. Make some noise for your next comedian, 60 seconds for Maddie G, everybody. Do gay guys queef? I think COVID tests are a lot like SED tests. If you don't take it, you don't have it. I I've been taking biotin to grow out all my facial hair. I didn't know that biotin was a hair supplement for all your hair. I got a bush down there. So, yeah, now every time I want to take a dick pick, I got to hire a team of Mexicans just to come over. I've basically been taking Scott's Turf Builder For my balls. Yeah, it's a real jungle down there.

Jose does good work, though. He makes my little bonsai tree look like a giant sequoia.Thank you. Let me tell you something. Let me tell you, I'm going to surprise everybody right now because you're like, Oh, shit. Tony's going to go ballistic. But you know what? You know what I liked about that? You bombed eloquently.Thank you.It was beautiful. With no trick, No shaky mic. I'll be honest, no selling. You didn't try to trick us. You tried your material that you thought would work. You delivered it like it worked, and then you kept going. You did the next thing, Ian Edwards. I agree with you, and he's not from New York. Well, I don't know. I think there's a chance. You visited there recently, am I correct?No, sir.Oh, okay, perfect.Thank God. How long you been doing stand-up? This is probably my 10th mic. Oh, adorable. You're doing just fine. Eight years, six years. You did better than those guys. Fuck those guys. Okay. How old are you? I am 26. What do you do for a living? I'm a mechanical designer. What does that mean exactly? I make desks for schools and everything like that. Lab equipment, too.

Okay, very cool. What do you do for fun? You ride a motorcycle? No. Okay. I go fishing and stuff like that. Yeah, fishing. What else? Stuff like that. I used to sell guns, actually. Okay. Yeah. Illegally? Legally. Legally. Okay, there you go. You ever steal a bicycle from a retard? No, I can't say that. Or they call it, a tricycle. That doesn't make any sense. All right, now I'm bombing. It's contagious up here. It's gone airborne. Guys, don't worry, it's the pollen. All right. Maddie G, most interesting thing about you. You have any special skills or talents? Probably that I did sell guns during COVID. That was crazy. People would come in with their face mask still on, and I would sell them a gun. Is that the end of the story? Yeah, that's pretty much it. They'd come in, they'd say, Hey, I want that gun. I'll be like, Yes, sir, right away. You should open with that. Thanks. What is happening right now? It's okay. We're going to get there. Maddie G, you've seen the show before. What's something interesting in this interview portion that you think you might want to bring up at this part?

It makes you different than everybody else. Covid was actually really good to me. Yeah? Tell me more. Yeah. Like I said, I sold guns, so I would be the first one to see all the ammo. For some reason, everybody would want ammo during COVID. I don't know. They wanted to shoot COVID, I guess. I don't know. I would take it and I would buy it at a discount. Where was this at? What city is this? Austin, Texas. Okay. Covid also lined up with the BLM movement, didn't it? Yeah, it did. Everybody was going crazy. You think it was COVID? Do you think it had anything to do with the fact that there were riots in the streets in the many major cities? You're blaming it on a No. I didn't want to say it. Ian, you're getting defensive like I'm a New York comedian. I am defensive, but I live in California, right? So the first day of COVID, I was in Burbank, and everybody was… He's so stupid. He thinks you guys will recognize the Tonight Show theme because it's filmed in Burbank. You literally just cut off Ian for that reference. Everybody was buying guns.

They were. Everybody. I didn't even know they had gun shops in Burbank until that fucking day. They have that one across from the Costco or something. It's a big one. But there's more than you could... I'm just drive down the street and I see lying there, lying there. I don't know what people thought was going to happen during COVID, but when he says he works in a gun shop and he sold a lot of guns, I get it. What's the most suspicious gun you've ever sold? Did you ever sell one to a guy named Jerry Carlin? No, but I did have this one situation where this couple came in, white dude from East Texas, and he was looking at the gun, and then all of a sudden, when it came time to do the paperwork for the gun, he was like, No, he's going to get it. He's going to buy it. It was just this black dude. Ian Edwards. Why the fuck did you say it like that? We're checking. We're going to go to our senior African-American correspondent, Ian Edwards, here for another moment. Now it's his theme song. It's no longer the Tonight Show theme.

Hit that Ian Edwards theme for us, Red Band. Let us say, Hey, it's time for our black correspondence. Hey, man, do me a favor and say, Black Dude, again. Black Dude. Got to give him credit. He said it pretty well. He did say it pretty well. Have you ever sold somebody a and they later on saw them on the news? Yes, actually. Really? Yeah. I knew it. Great question. Ian Edwards from Half Court. I love it. There he is. That's why he's our senior African-American correspondent live on this scene. Now, tell us about this white guy you saw on the news. He was wanting. Oh. Did he perform earlier tonight and have on glasses? He killed himself. Hey. Oopsy-daisy. Okay. Oopsy-daisy. Thanks for coming. Holy shit. Oh, my God.What the fuck? All right. Maddie, here's a little joke, but good stuff, buddy. Get out of here. Go, Souljia. Go, Souljia. The show's going too long. We're in overtime right now, but I realized we didn't have a female stand-up comedian tonight. In order to make up for that, I pulled out of the bucket until I got a lady. You guys ready for your final bucket pull of the night?

60 seconds uninterrupted for Kelly Quinn, everybody. Kelly Quinn. My husband always gives me grief for saving all my fast food napkins in his car. I tend to value worthless things, like our children. He also isn't real fond of the fact that I like true crime podcasts. He says he's worried for my soul, and he should be worried because, statistically, I am the most likely to murder him. He's a history buff, and he's fine with war. I guess domestic homicide is just not in a big enough volume. But it does answer for me the question of nurture or nature. He is German. We are almost empty nesters, so I thought we should travel more. He said, Yes, we should take the path of Lewis & Clark from Pittsburgh to the Oregon Coast. It's 4,900 miles. We'll go through 60 native territories. It'll be badass. I thought it would be nice to go to Dallas. There you go. Kelly Quinn. I saved you from the bear there. I knew you were about to get to it. Great stuff, Kelly. Adorable. How long you been doing stand-up? It'll be two years in August.Two years in August. Two years in August.

Congratulations. This is one of your high school friends, right, Elaine? I think we go to the same stylist/gynecologist. She's doing better on you. Well, no, you look good. You look good. No, you're adorable. Very interesting, Kelly. You started two years ago. What made you start? You seem like the person that would write blogs about how you hate stand-up comedy and about how it's ruining society. Here you are out here doing it, calling your children worthless with a big smile, having fun, thriving. I love to see it. Normally, you're asking for the manager, and here you are out here. There's a ruckus in the crowd. People are breaking glasses over their heads. They're so excited for you. It's Kelly, not Karen. Oh. Did I call you Karen? You said I'd ask for a manager. You do look like a Karen, though. Yeah, absolutely. No doubt about it. Have you ever asked for the manager? I have, but to give compliments. Whoa, look at that. She's like, Wow. Yeah, Bizzarro Karen. That's not true. What's the nicest thing you send to a waiter at a restaurant? Nice ass. Oh, okay. Wow. Amazing. What race was that person?

I don't know. She doesn't see color, everybody. For that, we're going to check in with our senior African American correspondent, Ian Edwards. Here we go. She doesn't see color, Ian. To be honest, I checked out when she said my husband. No, but pretty good shit. For two years, there's been some dudes up here who have claimed that allegedly they've been doing comedy for seven and eight years and that they're from fucking New York. So you've done considerably better than them. Where do you live, Kelly? Wichita Falls, Texas.Wichita Falls.Oh, I've been there. A big pop from the crowd. Where is that? It's like five hours some which way. I don't know. North? It's like almost Oklahoma. Okay, yeah, that would be North. They've got a Dairy Queen there, right? Several. Several Dairy Queens. Are you a fan of Dairy Queen? I am. I like Broms better, though. Okay, yeah. That's another ice cream place. Yeah. Broms is... Yeah, it's good. I love your smile. Your jokes were tight. You're effervescent. You're affable. You look like me after a Red Band Titty Fuck. You really... That is true. Oh, no sound effect? You got shy. There you go.

A chainsaw is what he came up with on that one, everybody. A chainsaw. Okay, so Kelly, you used to have a job. You have a job? I have a job. I'm not that old. What do you do? I'm a classic rock DJ. Are you serious? On an FM radio? Radio station? Yes, real terrestrial radio. Wow. Do you have a special DJ name? Kelly Quinn. Kelly Quinn in the afternoons, mornings? 9:00 to 2:00, so midday. You're playing a lot of Barenaked Ladies and Sugar Ray? No, it's classic rock. It's not shit radio. Okay. Right. God damn right. Wow. It's amazing. You love classic rock. I do. Can you give us Can we take a little example of you tossing to a song? Or what you do in between songs? Can we just hear your true radio voice? Let's all close our eyes. The stylings of Kelly Quinn. Here we go. 1047 The Bear, Kelly Quinn. That was Pink Floyd. We're going to head into something sweet and sexy, like a little Metallica 1 on 1047 The Bear. Wow. I love it. I love it. Now, we're going to do something special. We're going to have, a lot of people might not know this because I didn't tell you guys, but Elaine also is an afternoon DJ.

She The Afternoon Drive with Elaine, 95.5KLOS. Here is an example of Elaine DJing. It's 6:23 PM right now. We're playing the phrase that pays John Mayer. We got free John Mayer tickets to see him at the Palladium tonight. Call The Frase That Pays, 102.5. Be careful outside. It's getting dicey. If you're going to try stand up comedy, put on a mask because there's Pauling outside. You don't want to fuck up your one chance on Kill Tony. Colin right now, 421, 101.5. Get two free, John Mayer. We're going to take that call right now. Hello? Yeah, hi. It's me, Red Band. I'm looking for a titty box. Those knees are... Her knees are blown out. She's going to need to... She's going to need to hit up Dr. Phil, take care of those knees after that.Oh my goodness.That was good. Kelly, you seem like such a sweet, real lady. Your kids are almost out of the house.Yes. How much longer you got? Graduation's May 25th for my youngest. Okay. Are you still with your husband? Or do you have a piece of tape around your finger? What is that? It's a register receipt from the burger joint because I walked out without my wedding ring.

Who hit you? You walked out of the burger joint without your wedding ring? I walked out of my house without my wedding ring. I did what I did. I'm a woman. I improvised. Just to let Hans Kim know you're off limits, you wrapped a receipt around your finger. That is adorable. Andrew Gainsberg is the only other comedian that keeps all of his receipts on him that we've had up tonight. Incredible stuff. One last question before I let you go, What is something that would surprise us about you or shock us about you? You just seem sweet and real. Do you have any guilty pleasures or something like that? Is there something naughty that Kelly Quinn does every once in a while? Perhaps it could be in the bedroom or somewhere you go or something you do. I'm a big fan of rock concerts and crowd surfing. You crowd surf? I did until I broke my neck a year ago. There you go. I had a feeling that was coming. You have real broken neck energies, Kelly. How did you break your neck? I was a college gymnast, and I had a real bad fall onto my head.

Apparently, after 25 years, you can grow a bone spur into your spinal column, and then you can just wake up one morning paralyzed. There you go. Absolutely. You thought all the good spurs were in San Antonio. Turns out they're in Wichita Falls, Texas as well. Anything else for Kelly, everybody? Are you free Thursday? Absolutely. I'd love to have you on The Secret Show. Kelly Quinn getting a real comedy set. Two years into her career, she's going to have to make the drive back from Wichita Falls. I'll tell you what, I'm going to give you one of these big joke books because I know you're actually going to use it. There she goes. Kelly Quinn, everybody. Look at them. Two best friends. Look at the shoulders on Elaine. I mean, unbelievable. What type of fucking offensive linewoman are you? You are a fucking thick piece beef. You know that, Elaine? Well, I'm also Casey Rockets' bodyguard. Oh, wow. Look at that. Okay, a show like this, there's only one way to end it. Ladies and gentlemen, the Hall of Famer, the record holder of appearance this all time. Interviews, sets, new minutes. This is him. The Wichita Falls Wibly Wabler, the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Guerrilla.

This is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery. First off, Tony, I'm very excited to announce that Punky Johnson and I are officially dating, and she's actually pregnant. I'm not that. April Fool. Okay. Anybody else jealous they didn't get the invite to Puff Daddy's parties? Everybody's all mad, and I'm all like, Oh, yeah, terrible. Maybe I should go undercover to investigate. People are saying Cuba Getting Junior committed a crime, but I'll tell you what the real crime is. He won an Oscar. Oh, a black guy plays an athlete. How did he get into character? What a stretch. As a defense attorney, I must advise that admitting to shooting the sheriff, but then claiming you didn't shoot the deputy is in a bad legal defense. Okay, that's my time. Thank you, Tony. A brilliant joke there at the end. Shooting the sheriff, but not the deputy. Wow. Amazing, William. You did it again. Another unbelievable set. Very, very fun. How do you feel? I feel pretty good, other than the fact that there is now a dead squirrel up in our chimney, and it has been smelling like death for the past three days now, I actually had an exterminator man come by today, and he starts telling me, Oh, I can't go up on the roof.

If I go up on the roof this one way, I'm going to roll off and die. If I go off the other way, I'm going to roll off and die. I'm like, Dude, you're not just a friend. I'm trying to find I can pay you money to get rid of this fucking thing. Why are you just giving me excuses, you dumb piece of shit? This is why you're fucking getting dead squirrels out of people's fucking chimneys because you're a dumb ass, you motherfucker. He's giving me all these excuses, Tony, and I just want to smell gone, but it's going to be Wednesday, so I have to live with it for another couple of days. That's what happens when you exterminate his last name is Gainsberg. Yeah. Actually, I'm allergic to squirrels. I can't get up there. I'm allergic to rooftop, as well. I do not perform well under these conditions. God, Tony, I had to stop myself. I was fucking holding the microphone like this dumb New York piece is a shit. Holy shit. William, they're not from New York. Well, they perform in New York. That's the defining characteristic. I mean, don't try to...

I get it, you're from fucking New York, but you have to admit, those people were fucking terrible and I have a dead squirrel. I'm like, Yeah, thanks, dumbass. Holy shit. The squirrel in your chimney is probably covered with ash and soot. To talk about this more, we're going to go with our senior African-American correspondence. What do you think about the squirrel in blackface in the chimney right now? That's the only reason why he's trying to get rid of it. I mean, he is racist as shit, though, Ian. I mean, it's a real racist, fucking. How am I racist? No, the squirrel's racist. How's the squirrel? How's the dead squirrel racist? He's been saying the N-word a bunch, and I'm like, Dude, I can't fucking... I can't do this shit. He's trying to get me to say the N-word, Ian, but I haven't been saying it. I haven't been saying it. Listen, even when you say just the N-word, I hear the E-R. Well, that was a long time ago, Ian. No, I'm kidding. It is amazing. Elaine, what do you think? William, you're very You don't look like you've bathed in a while, but that's okay.

What does your shirt say? It says Storge, et cetera. It's the people, Christina Gonzales. It's the place where I was working right before the pandemic, and I still hope Christina Gonzales is dead and in hell. Was that your boss? Yeah, she was the stupid fucking Latina woman, which said the details don't matter on that, but she was a stupid fat bitch. I would catch her stupid fucking ass. This is when I was drinking and doing blow all the time. I'd show up fucking hungover as fuck. She would be sleeping in the break room, and I'd take pictures of the security camera, and she would get mad. There was one time, Ian, I did have a good George Floyd joke during the pandemic. I'm good friends with the two black guys who I'm working with, and she has bad intention telling them that I was some racist person. It was bullshit. She's a dumb ass. What was the George Floyd joke? Yeah, what was the George Floyd joke? What was the George Floyd joke? I heard George Floyd's last wishes were to make change for a 20. Oh, boy. With that, we check in with our senior African-American correspondent, Ian Edwards.

What do we think about the joke? Just based on that, I feel like he murdered that black squirrel. Yeah. There were red hairs around the corpse. William, you did it again. We fucking love you. It doesn't get much better than that. Great job. Right, Elaine? What do you think? You're unbelievable. You can smell the mental illness on you, but you're dressed like all the people in high school that I admired. Cool. Do you address yourself? Well, I can't stop looking at your fucking nasty fucking neck, you old bitch. It looks just like the fucking squirrel that's dead in my chimney, bitch. Okay, you know what? I I was waiting for somebody to make fun of my neck, and I think I fucking had it. This neck looks like all the fucking pushes that you fucked with your tiny-inch dick. And you know what? That was a funny bitch. God, in your stupid... God, let me see them jitties, bitch. I can't believe you let your girl walk out like that, dumb ass. That is my daughter's friend. You stopped that. William, I guess I'm getting angry because... Why I get angry when I get turned on?

Red band music. Uh-oh. Here you go. Thank you for being a friend. Traveling down to Brown and back. I guess what I'm trying to say. William, I've never seen a ginger I like. I've traveled the world. I've seen everything. And tonight has been the greatest night of my life. Come here. We've seen good jokes and bad jokes and Jews and blacks. And that fact, I almost had a heart attack. Tonight. But that's what you get when you sign up for Kill Tony. You try your best. You hold it on your side, it's love. And if you strike out, go back home and call me for a kiddie bump. You call me for a titibug. Call me for a titibug. Everybody. Call me for a titibug. Call me for a titibug. Just a black guy. Just the Asian women. Just Joe Rogan. He did it all. Jeff Williams. There you go. Powerful. Powerful. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, skylight frame. Game time. If they're still sponsors, we'd like to thank them. How about one more time for the great William Montgomery? I don't think there's a comedian in the world that could bust I can't really do better than that.

Wait, I wrote a couple of jokes down. Keep the music on. Wait a second. Wait a second. Ladies and gentlemen. That's it. Just keep the music on. Keep the music on. Make sure it's for Elaine, everybody. I met Tony a couple of weeks ago, and he said, You come by The Mother's Chef and try. This is a real honor. This is my favorite show in the entire world. So thank you so much for letting me be a part of The Mother's Chef. I wrote a couple of jokes real quick. Hans doesn't believe in God, but he believes in Dracula. Fuck. Shit. If Cam Patterson's here, who's punching women in the streets of New York? Fuck, I don't know. Casey Rocket, It looks like the first person to OD on cookies. Fuck. Hans, if you look like an Asian Disney character named Gookfe. What else? Okay, Kamblex rocks, Casey Smokes Rocks. Casey, You Look Like the Dollar Store Version of Kyle Rittenhouse. Comedy hasn't come easy to Hans. It takes a lot of drive, which is hard when you're Asian. Oh, boy. Then I just got some pickup lines from Red Band that he texted me in the middle of the night.

Are you Hurricane Katrina? Because you're blowing me away with your hot tits. Can I come on your back? What else? What else? Cam looks like his first special was released on a ring doorbell camera. Call me for a titipod. Call me for a Titty Bop. Ian Edwards. Follow him on Instagram, Ian Edwards' comic. Follow Adam Ray Comedy on YouTube right now. His the new crowd where his special is out. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is unbelievable. Adam Ray Comedy on YouTube, at Ian Edwards' comic on Instagram. How about one more time for the best damn man in the land, Carlos Ocero, Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Michael Gonzales, the great nick Lewis on the bass, John Dees on the keys, and Matt Muling on guitar. The drawing from Ryan J. Belt's incredible. Ryanjeebelt. Com. Let's see what local artist Chris Rogers drew up over there. William and Cam, or Casey Rocket. William and Casey. You got to love it. Another very fun episode, Red Band. Check out that secret show every Thursday at the sunsetstripatx. Com. Ninjabuses. Com. Thank you. There are transport this weekend in Dallas Houston. Very fun stuff. Thank you to everybody, including the audience.

God bless you guys. Good night, everyone. The Forum, Madison Square Garden. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas, is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx. Com for tickets.