Hold, primate listening. It is I, Numator 479. According to our studies of your puny, mamalian race, we discovered you like very good coffee. And while it is our evolutionary purpose to cause you psychic torment, we want you awake and vivacious, you give it. So try our new blend from Spring Hill Jack coffee. Reptilian in the morning, our proprietary blend of lightly roast cocaiohasks will have you immediately energized upon emerging from the pain coaca with all your slippery new eggs. Thanks, honey. Now, how to I'm cold-blooded. Mmm. Egs of Spring Hill Jack and Last Podcast on the left. I'm ready to get out there and eat some babies. Get out of the way, Hillary Clinton.

There's no place to escape to. This is the last podcast.

On the left. That's when the cannibalism started. What was that?

Guys, in 2023, we're going to do the Andy's challenge. We're going to eat nothing but raw meat in sacks.

Okay.

That sounds wonderful.

Honestly, you sound... We're heading into Rogan territory because he definitely does the full carnivore diet, which I think is a mistake because also I'm a person who's got really high triglycerides. I feel like one of the main issues with eating nothing but human meat might be the fat content of your body. If you have some form of lipid malfunction, you can't absorb a lipid. It's going to be bad out there when you're eating lapido.

In the Andy's challenge, you can eat whatever meat you want. It doesn't have to be human meat.

That's what I'm saying. Is that the carnival challenge?

That's not a real Andy's challenge.

Yeah, The real Andy's challenge is you got to... It's found human meat.

Or you fight a condor.

That's a good Andy's challenge. We could put out a bunch of dead meat and then fight birds for it.

Welcome to the last podcast on the left. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm fighting a buzzard. My name's Marcus Parks here with Henry Zbrowski.

You fucking fight my buzzard.

And Ed Larson.

I'm eating buzzard. Why did they gang up on the condors?

Because they said they were weak and they were scared.

I know they were weak, but just to kill something. Condors are incredibly large.

They're huge. It's so ugly. Yeah. They really are. Why does all the carrion birds are ugly? Although I do find vultures to have an ugly beauty on themselves. My question is- Character. This I like a face with character.

People don't like when we talk like this, but I feel like birds are easy to kill.

Certain birds are.

I feel the birds attacking you and it's like, I think it's easier to get out of its fucking head and it's just break its neck, right?

Like, fucking smashes his head. It's bones are a hollow.

Yeah, but then they got the claws. That's the problem.

Yeah, you're getting jacked up while you're going, but you still win the fight.

Unless it's a cassewari. If it's a cassewari, you're fucking dead. Oh, you're absolutely dead.

Dude, I saw a bald eagle recently at Dollywood. That thing was fucking half the size of a human.

It's very long. But it's also a scavenger. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, it is, isn't it?

Yeah, it's a poultry bird.

Now, as Benjamin Franklin wanted our national bird to be, a turkey.

Stolwort.

I mean, much better bird.

Huge tits.

The best tits.

That's why he liked them.

When we last left, the 16 people stuck at the top of the world, Nando Porado, Roberto Conesa, and Antonio Vicentine, a. K. A. Tintin, had volunteered to take the more route West to hopefully reach the green fields of Chile, where they hoped they would find human civilization. Loaded up with the makeshift sleeping bag Carlitos had made, along with a rugby sock filled with enough human flesh for 10 days, the three expeditioners solamente said goodbye to the 13 people they left behind, knowing they'd either see them again soon or they would all be dead.

That's a good way to do the Andy's challenge is that you can only eat as much as you can fit into a sock.

Exactly. Exactly. That's what I brought up, the socks.

Yeah, you can shove it through. That's all you eat all day.

It's got to be a rugby sock, too. No fucking stockings, no Christmas stockings.

Rugby socks are long.

That's true.

They go up your calves.

It's true.

Did they sew any skin onto the sleeping bag? No.

No. No, no, no. It was just airplane installation. In a touching moment, Nando handed Carlitos a red baby shoe that Nando's mother had bought in Mendoza for her grandson. Nando told Carlitos that he would keep the other one, and when they came back, they would have a pair once more.

Unless, of course, the baby is born with one leg.

So who's got Nando as a kid?

No, it's a sister. His sister's got a kid. His sister's kid.

So he's got a nephew back home.

Yeah, he's got a sister, nephew, and his father back home. Then, just before walking away into the wild, Nando turned back to Carlitos and gave the group permission to eat the bodies of his mother and sister if they ran out of food. Carlitos agreed, but only as a last resort.

Thank you, Nando.

Now, tragically, there had been a hotel for rheumatoid patients, like 18 miles east of the crash site this entire time.

There was a hotel.

A hotel.

Right down the mountain.

Well, I don't think they burnt all the cash, so they weren't going to be able to get a room.

Can you imagine showing up being like, You have a debit card?

We can't let you in unless we have a car to put on file. There's a manger We're outside, though. It's Christmas. This was, of course, the direction Roberto had wanted to go. But any trek east would have been stopped by a giant impassable river before they reached the hotel. West was the way to go no matter what. They couldn't reach the hotel. It was just a tragedy that there was a hotel 18 miles away.

It's just wild. That's how life works.

Now, as we said in the first episode, the survivors were completely wrong as to where they believe they were in the Andes. They were at twice the elevation, and they were much further east, near the middle of the mountain range. But simply, even the most experienced of mountaineers wouldn't have attempted what Roberto, Tintin, and Nando were about to do without an arsenal of supplies, months of training, and more equipment than they knew what to do with.

But that's the strength of being young, dumb, full of cum, and ready to go out there and do whatever it takes.

I thought we established they weren't full of cum.

We don't know. No one talks about cum.

Results, inconclusive. Inconclusive. Yes. But as for Tintin, Roberto, and Nando, they'd been near starvation for months. They had only the crudest of tools and wildly inadequate clothing. Hell, Tintin and Roberto, they'd never even seen snow before the crash.

This just reminds me of when we started doing podcasting. We had no idea what in the living fuck we were doing.

I mean, I had an idea. I'd been in broadcasting for 10 years by that point.

Heard that story for fucking a decade.

I'm just saying, get your story straight. I knew what I was doing.

I've heard this story a long, long time.

I'm willing to say I knew nothing.

Okay, thank you. I appreciate that. How do you think all of this happened? Because I already knew what to do.

It's because it was there.

The only thing I've learned is to not breathe this heavy into the microphone.

I did have to tell you that. It's still there. Thank you. Yeah, there are still plenty because we used to have to record everything on just one track. There was no way to cut out heavy, heavy breathing.

We were so hammered, too.

You could hear the beer leave your breath.

Also, I was empty of cup.

He was. But by some miracle, they made it through inch by inch. Ironically, since they were so inexperienced, they often chose the hardest routes to climb. For example, Nando thought the shortest path was west, so he used a point where the sun set behind the ridges as a path. This, of course, led them up the mountain's steepest and most dangerous slope. If they were more experienced, they would have gone for the less challenging climb. Now, had they been experienced climbers, they would have also used steel anchors driven into the rock and ice, and crampons on their shoes would ensure a firm grip. As it was, they had nothing, and they had rugby shoes that had been soaking in the snow for two They're insane.

Then I got that Uli guy. I've been talking about this competitive free solo climber. These guys are fucking nuts. But he's the guy that would have done the most difficult route on purpose. But it's because, again, I think he just wants to die. These guys all still have girlfriends and stuff. They show up and there's always some lady being like, I know that one day he'll settle down. I'm be like, No, dude. He lives his whole life trying to be murdered by a fucking mountain. He's not going to marry you.

Do you see free solo? Yeah. You're waiting for the day when they just don't come back.

They're still He's not going to marry you. He's in love with the mountain.

Yeah, and don't say down. Okay.

Thank you.

Additionally, if they were experienced climbers, they would have known that they should only climb a thousand feet a day to prevent altitude sickness. But Nando, ever the eager beaver, He climbed 2,500 feet in 5 hours and suffered from incredible headaches and an inability to fill his lungs. He had altitude sickness bad.

It's like the Benz. It's a radiohead.

So he left everyone behind?

Yeah. He He would just fucking go and he'd be like, Catch up to me when you can. I'm just going to fucking go.

This whole thing is like a Radiohead album. It'd be cool.

They should do that. I would say that when we were driving through that snowy path between Seattle and Spokane, I did listen to Kit A, and it was perfect.

This is very Kit A.

They were high and wet instead of high and dry.

I like it. But even after the 2,500 feet, the summit was no closer than when they'd started because the sheer size of these mountains create optical illusions concerning how close landmarks are. You have no idea how far away something is because you have no idea how big something is. But folks, Focusing on one rock at a time, Nando and the others kept moving. They rested shortly to eat and drink water at a level outcrop and looked to see that the fuselage was still well within sight. All of the other survivors were actually sitting down, watching them from the airplane seats. They'd set outside like it was a movie in which their very lives hung in the balance. I hate this movie.

It's really boring.

But again, they continued as twilight approached and no shelter was in sight. But just after a rock the size of a cannonball fell and almost killed Roberto, they found a shallow depression in the snow under a large boulder. They huddled into their sleeping bag, and the temperature was so low that night that the water bottle they carried shattered from the cold.

I don't think this is good news, man. But at least the water is still solid.

Continuing on the next morning, they reached an elevation of 15,000 feet and began climbing areas that experienced climbers would have considered killing zones. This is all while the void below them grew larger. Remember, they are climbing up a mountain. Yeah. You go over it. Yeah.

And like, Denver River is like, they call it the Mile High City. Yes. That's hard. You need to drink water there to survive. 15,000 feet, what's that? That's like five miles.

They're fucked.

I have no idea, probably.

This fucking son of a bitch.

You can't yell at them.

But just as they were about to give up, Roberto looked into the distance and saw what he thought was a road. Now, even though Nando was nearsighted, he figured it was a fault line. So the two argued for hours as to what to do next. Do we stick with the plan or would he go for the road? Eventually, Nando Nando one out. But it is worth saying that it was a road. It was definitely a road. In fact, it's the very road that people now take in order to hike up to the side of the crash.

Yeah, it's like now where tourists go to go look at where they all died. They go do it for fun.

But considering how everything did work out, there's no way of knowing how the road plan would have ended.

Oh, yeah, man. I mean, it wasn't looking good. No.

After another night of freezing sleep, they continued their climb. After hours of agonizing work, Nando made it to the summit of mountain first, where he fell to his knees, and for the first time since the crash, cursed God.

Damn you, God! That's not in a good way, but it does feel good to scream, Damn you, God.

That is a lot of love for God to not curse them out early.

At least it's a bunch of neutrality for God.

That's what Roberto has. He had neutrality for God. He's like, Yeah, God's good. He was Catholic. It's fine. God ain't getting us out of here, guys.

No.

I am. We are.

We are.

Fucking badass.

He now saw that they were nowhere near the Western limits of the Andes. Judging from the mountain peaks he saw in every direction, he finally saw that they had crashed in the middle of a vast range of parallel mountain ranges. Imagine that moment. You're climbing to the top of the summit. You think, once I get there, once I get to the summit, it's going to be good. I'm going to see Chile, I'm going to see green fields. We're right on the other side, and you climb you see nothing but more mountains. You see 20 more peaks just like the one you just climbed.

You're insane with sickness.

Oh, yeah. You're just gone. You're yelling at God already. It's not good. No. I would have died. Again, this is the 10th time I would have died.

Nando then heard Tintin ask, Hey, could you see anything green?

You see anything green over there? Shut the fuck up, Tintin. Just ask it if maybe you saw some green.

Fuck you. No need your curse. No. Nando just had to tell him, It's like, Just come see for yourself. Just come on. He couldn't even tell him. But as Roberto and Tintin climbed to meet him, Nando pulled out his mother's lipstick, which he'd brought along as a good luck charm.

So glad you said stick.

Yeah, his mother's lips. They were like, You can do it, Nando. You can do it.

I believe in you. He also brought out a plastic bag, and on the bag, he wrote the name of his his father, Celere, and named the peak for him, saying that even though this mountain was now his enemy-I hate you, mountain. Nando would now give it to his father, and whatever happened afterwards, he at least had that small revenge.

Now you belong to my daddy. That's what you get.

Three hours later, Roberto finally caught up, looked out and said, Well, I named this Mountain Carol.

I now named this place, yeah, because she was the girl with the biggest tits I've ever seen. If there's nothing like a pile of tits that you'd call a mountain range, it's Carol.

Actually, we're going to get to that in just a second. What? Yeah. It's beautiful. He looked up and he said, Well, we're finished. Although he probably said something closer like, Bueno, estamos ready, dos, which means, Well, we're fucked. But then Nando pointed to two smaller mountains without snow. When Roberto saw them, he said, You mean those tits? What? Nando said, Yeah.

Tits?

The tits. Chichis, they call them. Yes, chichis. Chichis, yeah. I remember because when I worked in the kitchen, whenever I needed chicken breasts, I would say pollo de chichi, and they would laugh and laugh and laugh. It really worked for years, that joke.

That's great. But the point is that Nando believed that they should head towards the tits, down the mountain, and along a valley that formed a Y. But even though Roberto estimated that it was at least 50 miles, this is my favorite part of the whole fucking story, Nando told him that he would rather walk to meet death than wait for death to find him.

That's my fucking boy.

Then Roberto answered with an equally fucking awesome line. He said, Okay, then let's go die together.

Yeah! Yeah! Alive! Yeah, man, it's fucking so sweet, dude. It's the Aragorn fucking salute, dude. They're going to hold each other's forearm, man. It's fucking awesome.

And so the decision was to make it for the Y. Now, since they were finally aware of just how long of the distance was still left, they sent Tintin back to the fuselage so Nando and Roberto could split the rations.

Get the hell out of here, Tintin. We're walking to death.

You're fucking annoying.

All right.

Yes, they do look like Tets, but I wish you hadn't said it.

Indeed, on December 15th, the survivors back at the fuselage saw Tintin sleding down the mountain alone. Wee. But by the time he returned with nothing but bad news.

Yeah, man, sucks up there. Yeah. Saw some tints, though. The only food left was a pair of putrid lungs that no one else would eat.

But after Tintin took a bite and All right, let's eat some ass. The tragedy, though, is that they were almost rescued before Roberto Anando. But as it got warmer, more bodies were uncovered, enough for at least another six weeks. It was getting hot enough during the day when they could almost cook meat on top of the plane. Yay. Them even after they laid out a pattern of bones to catch the rescue party's attention. Problem is that the bones are white, too. Bones are white. Yeah, but there's also some flesh on the bones, so they got a little bit of color in there. Yeah, but it's still not anything.

You would have used the bones as the Poopoo stick.

I think maybe the bones were the poopoo stick. I think the bones had to have been the poopoo stick. Now that I'm thinking about it, I bet the bones were the poopoo stick.

For certain because it's got a rounded edge. Yeah.

Fucking boner in the ass.

God, there must have been a couple of those.

It must have laughed. He must have said that a couple times. He must have said that a couple times. He must have said that a couple times. He was like, You're going to put a fucking bone in your fucking ass?

You said that yesterday. I am sick. I don't want to be here anymore. Coco died weeks ago.

This plane was actually full of the fathers of survivors. They knew the risks of flying through the Andes, but they decided to board the plane to look for their sons anyway, even if the chances of them still being alive were impossible. That's what father's supposed Yeah.

But you don't need to send all the fathers.

They all wanted to go. He sent two. They all wanted to go. They all wanted to go.

They all wanted to go. I wanted to go. I wanted to go. I wanted to go.

I wanted to trust in some of these other fathers.

I'm like, You know what? You got good eyes. You go.

Actually, fucking Nando's father did stay back. He not only stayed back, he not only stayed back. He's fucking dead. He sold Nando's motorcycle. He fucking sold all his clothes. Because he just wanted... He's like, I want this fucking over. I want to move on. I want this over. I want to move on. My wife and two of my children are dead. Don't fucking prolong this. They crashed into a mountain.

I know, but it was less than two months. It was like two months.

Two months is a long time to be stuck in a mountain. No one thought that they were alive.

I know, but to sell a motorcycle and shit, you could keep it around for a year.

Anything that reminded him of Nando.

Fly from your grave.

Incredibly, Roberto Canesas said that sometimes he'd look up and actually see the plane, and he'd wave at it. Now, Roberto and Nando actually spent a lot of time looking up and taking in the fucking inarguable beauty of the Andes. In fact, the night after Tintin left, Roberto and Nando were sipping rum and having a little toothpaste as a treat when they saw two shooting stars cross the Andes in an incredible moment that illustrated just how dire their situation was, Nando turned to Canessa and said, Can you imagine how nice this would be if we weren't dead? Yeah, man.

It really is. You just sit there and be like, Ha. We should come back here next year.

But once they continued their journey, Roberto and Nando were discovering that climbing down the slope was just as, if not more dangerous than climbing up.

I've never understood how the mountain guys get down. Do they always get lifted up by a helicopter and shit? When you go to the top of Everest- You can't fly a helicopter to the top of Everest. Wait, do you climb all the way back to climb back down?

You have to climb back down, but you put the thing in the mountain. It's not easy. I know.

When we did the mountain climb- I know when he wanted to talk. I don't even want to talk. I don't even want to remember. Down was fucked up. Up was easy.

All the sudden, I'm on top of the fucking thing. I'm like, Okay, I'm up here.

No, down was much worse.

It's terrifying. Down's terrifying.

I always find down easier.

I don't know. You don't know. Who could have used you? You got bigger butt. It's true. Honestly, the butt helps because that's the motion coming down.

I could have let you... Yeah, because I'm a pretty good climber. I could have helped out.

You wouldn't find it.

But having no expertise, they relied on luck. But I would imagine that their dwindling strength made every movement a carefully calculated decision. Not only could this rock come loose and kill me, but if I don't conserve my strength, I'm going to die of exhaustion before I get anywhere close to safety.

Did they have walking sticks and stuff? Nothing.

No. Damn. No.

The only thing they had was they had snow shoes that they had built out of seat cushions. They might have had walking, but that's the thing. A walking stick is not going to help because you're walking on snow the whole fucking time. So walking stick is just going to go straight down. Also, the with that is that you want the snow that you're walking on. It's actually better to walk in the morning, like in the pre-dawn hours, than it is to walk in the afternoon because in the afternoon, the ice on top of the snow melts and you fucking sink down. You don't want to fuck with the integrity of the ice you're walking on at all. Yeah.

And not just that. I imagine the only pulls that would have would be metal. Then your hands would just stick to them and fucking rip your fingers off.

Yeah. That means you're looking down the climb down from Everest, apparently. It's like 92 people have died just climbing down. Yeah.

Even so, though, a small decision nearly resulted in Nando's death. Always the one to speed things along, Nando decided on the third day that he tried to sled down a slope on top of one of the seat cushions they used for snowshoots. He immediately realized that this was a terrible idea.

Yeah, you immediately become Clark Griswalt. Yes.

Nando reached, by his estimation, speeds of up to 60 miles an hour within seconds.

It literally is using that cereal varnish.

Just going fucking miles.

Yeah, because he also knows the faster we get down this fucking thing, the faster we're done with this thing, but we also can die in the process, but we might die anyway. Well, he saw a wall coming real fast ahead of him, and he tried sticking his heels in the snow to slow himself down. But then he found that his body was thrown forward, and he knew that if he tumbled forward, he'd break every bone in his body. So he decided to hold on for dear life as he sailed towards a wall of snow that either could have been a little bit of snow and some fucking rock on the other end or a big pile of snow. One was life and rescue, the other was instant death.

Well, I can't be doing that. There ain't nothing between me and the ground and a piece of government plastic.

That's National Amboons Christmas Vacation. I fucking learned that shit the hard way myself because like all these fuckers, I didn't see snow till I was 18. I was up in Boston because my parents moved up there after they left Florida, and I was so excited to see snow, and there's this giant pile of snow outside their house. I I ran, I ran, I ran, I threw my back into the snow.

What was underneath?

I don't know, but I just bounced off. I think it was just ice because it had been there for so long. What I thought was I was going to go in, I just bounced off it and fucking bruised my entire back on the first day of winter.

You're like, Oh, no. Winter's bad. So stupid.

That's not a swimming pool. But after slamming into it, Nando discovered that it was snow. So he pulled himself up and waved to Roberto to signal that he was all right. I'm alive. All the way he could heal Roberto above cursing him for being such a goddamn reckless, stupid fucking idiot. What the fuck are you thinking?

Hey, man.

But now he's got the day off, and Roberto's got to climb down the mountain.

Yeah, he's got to climb down the fucking mountain.

I did it. But from there, Nando and Roberto's journey, this is pretty much when they enter into Sam and Frodo territory. Oh, yes. Yeah. And if I say- I cannot carry it, but I could carry you. If I were to say Nando is definitely Sam and Frodo is Roberto.

You actually think it's that way? You don't think Nando is Frodo?

No, because Nando's got the spirit. He's got the heart. He's the one that says, Come on, we got to keep going. He's the one in love. Yeah.

And then the other one is the one who's loved.

Yes. And he's got these and he has the fat family back home.

Yeah, the fat family. Hot girlfriend, though. Yeah. I always like that little hobbit woman in that.

No, she's cute.

Yeah, I was like, All right. Rosie. Yeah, Sam's my boy.

Now, if he couldn't carry the ring, how could he carry Frodo?

Because he can't touch the ring, but he can carry Frodo.

Yeah, he can't touch the ring, but he can't have the ring in his possession because if he's carrying Frodo, the ring is technically still in Frodo's possession. Okay. And Frodo also refuses to give him the ring. That's the other big part about it because he'd have to knock Frodo out if he wanted to take the ring. But then who knows?

Yeah. Sam could have done it on his own.

Yes.

He wouldn't have put on the Everybody gets the best friend, all these fucking problems. Meanwhile, he wouldn't have been demped. He would have just showed him a mortar, the fucking lava flow.

No, there was a moment after Frodo was attacked by Shelob, and the orcs came and got him and took him up into the tower. Frodo did have a small moment where he didn't give the ring back to Frodo, but he did it, and then they threw it into the pit, and that's that. They went off across the shimmering seas.

We don't need to describe Lord of the Rings anymore to everyone. They all know. We're about to get another reboot. Really? Yes.

Thank God. Well, it's not a reboot. It's a prequel. I can't wait. Well, for days on end, they traversed jagged, icy boulders that could have broken their ankles at any moment, fractured glaciers melting in the warmer weather and sharp, loose rubble. You fall down that shit could stab you.

Oh, yeah. You could rip the fuck up. It's extremely bad.

Their shoes are falling apart. They've still got rugby shoes on, and they're starting to flop. They can hear the flip flop, flip flop. If shoes fail, they're fucking dead.

Well, they cleats, at least, probably.

Yeah, but they're still falling off. They're still like the ice and the snow. They're not good for climbing a slick rock. Nando said that he often felt like a ghost, a spirit trapped between the world of the living and the dead. Yeah, dude.

It's fucking so fucking metal. I don't know how he just didn't go off and just become like covered computer after this.

He used his shadow to prove that he was in fact real amidst a self-hypnosis of rhythmic breathing, the steady crunch of his boots, in an almost constant litany of Hale Marys under his breath. Damn. But on December 18th, a week after they left the fuselage, Roberto and Nando heard the roar of rushing water and discovered that they had finally reached the Y that they'd seen from the summit. We have.

Hit the tits.

Once they found a thick jet of icewater fed by melting snow spouting from an icewall, they knew they'd found the birth of a river. A river meant that they finally had something they could follow out of the mountains.

Yeah, man, like a drought.

Imagine so much. How much they drink that day?

A fair amount, but you can't drink too much ice water. But yeah, they definitely got to... They finally had fresh water all the time now. They didn't have to worry about it.

But then other bad things happened. Yeah.

Well, they also saw vegetation for the first time. After they first spotted grass, they dropped to their knees and just started eating it. It was the first thing they'd eaten besides human flesh since their night at the tail of the plane. After that came the first signs of civilization. Roberto spotted cows in the distance, and a few hours later, they found a rusted can. Nando, being cautious, said that someone, Maybe they threw that can out of a plane a few years ago. But Roberto said, Don't be a fucking idiot. People don't roll down their windows over the Andes to litter.

They sometimes do. You could see some cigarettes up there. Those guys love smoking.

Now, not letting go of Nando's comment about the can, Roberto soon found a horseshoe and some cow patties. See? And he asked like, Hey, fucking Nando, you think the fucking cow shit came from the plane, too?

I don't need your sarcasm right now. I slid down a mountain.

They could eat the mushrooms underneath the cow shit. Oh, look at these cool.

Look at these. We finally got some stuff. Oh, no.

Finally, though, they found a small herd of cows, which told them that they were definitely near a spot inhabited by humans. Now, they'd been in warm weather for a while now, so the stock meat was starting to turn. In their desperation, Nando tried coming up with a plan to kill one of the cows by waiting until the cow was asleep. Then he'd sneak up on it and smash it with a rock.

Hey, man, at this point, I believe in anything Nando says. If he thinks he can do it, I'd be like, Go for it, bro.

But he's the heart. That's why Roberto's the brain, because Roberto laughed and said, That's not going to fucking work, you idiot.

Yeah, they're going to fucking snap at us.

I also think we should start calling feet, Sockmeat.

From now on, My Sockmeat's cold today.

Nando said, Hey, well, maybe we can make some spears, and we can take it down with a bunch of fucking cavemen, or we can sneak it behind it and cut its tendon.

This is an idea, man.

It's an idea, man. You always need one. It used to be Coco, now he's dead.

When that was also rejected, Nando was like, Fuck, can we just try to milk it? Or we suck its dick. Really big on dick-sucking today.

I don't know. It's a cow. He suck tits.

It's been a long... Maybe it's a holiday season. It's been packed.

You're utterly disgusting.

You're utterly delightful. Thank you.

Moo.

Moo. Moo to you.

Well, either way, they figured it be a good idea to camp that night next to the cows just in case a rancher showed up. But when no one showed, they decided to continue their journey for day nine.

They've been doing this for nine days.

Now, Roberto damn near didn't make it at the very last minute. While climbing a large boulder the size of a two-story house that they couldn't get around, Roberto was suddenly struck with a bad case of diarrhea. God, just clinging onto a rock.

Just been like, A God of a case of the Cases of the Fucking Dopes.

Fuck. But even though he was suffering incredible pain.

She'd be like, Let's shoot you over the rock.

By the way, I'm light on the diarrhea in my reading here because there's a lot more diarrhea in this story than I actually told you guys about.

This is a diarrhea-centric It's a diarrhea-centered story.

But he powered through, and they continued their journey. Finally, they found themselves in a meadow of thick grass, with trees, wildflowers, a corral, even more cows. The problem, though, is that they'd also come to a river that they could not cross. But just as twilight fell and Nando decided to look for firewood back in the meadow, Roberto called up from the riverbank and said that he had seen a man on a horse.

Oh, a centaur.

One or the other. By the way, I'm going cow surfing.

Nando sprinted back the best he could but saw nothing until he heard the sound of a human voice. Lo and behold, across the riverbank was a man, their first sign of civilization. I love he, I love you. This is for you, Nuhai. Nando started shouting and waving his arms, but the river was too loud for him to be heard. But it was obvious that the man had had seen them because just before the man turned his horse to disappear into the shadows, Nando heard one word, mañana.

Tomorrow?

How about right now? What do you mean tomorrow?

Oh my God, what are you busy doing? You got to go where? We're in the middle of the fucking mountains. Holy shit. What do you really have to do? I will eat you.

And in that moment, they knew they were saved.

Life from your grave.

The next morning on December 22nd, Roberto and Nando woke up to see three men sitting around a fire across the river.

You want to help them now?

Nando again couldn't be heard, but he was able to gesture to the sky, point up to the sky, and make the motion of a plane crashing down with his hands, and then point to himself. Infuriatingly, the men just stared at him.

I hate mimes. I absolutely hate to hear.

What is this charade?

I hate his frivolous, his frivolous motion.

Everyone fucking made fun of Coco's games of charades, but that came in handy. It came in handy.

It was a bird in the sky. I was on the bird. Listen to me. Where the fuck is Coco?

Finally, though, one of the guys on the other side took a piece of paper from his pocket, wrote a message, tied it to a rock, and threw it across the river. The message said that there was a man coming, but tell me what you want in the meantime. And so after the farmer tossed across a pencil as well, Nando quickly wrote an abridged version of their story before finally asking, When is someone coming to get us?

Yes, come.

The problem now was having enough physical power to throw the rock back. Fucking God. Had he not made it, who knows what might have happened? Oh, yeah. Because as far as these guys are concerned, it's just a couple of fucking crazy dudes across the river. They know nothing about. But as it was, Nando used the very last atom of his strength and got the rock across. God damn it. I wrote a fucking… I How about that? I was so proud of last Adam of strength. But Carly was like, Hey, that's a really good line. And then it's fucking… Wasted. I'm wasted here. Well, after reading the note, the farmer made the universal signal for, I get it. Wait. But before he left, he threw some bread across, and Roberto and Nando had their first taste of fresh food in months. Before long, a man arrived on Nando and Roberto's side of the river riding a mule, and he came bearing cheese.

What are you guys doing?

You guys hanging out? What's you guys into? You guys like football?

He did, however, tell them that they would have to wait until he tended to a sheep in the pasture above. Tomorrow.

Fucking Lord. These rural people just been like, buddy, we're in some urgency.

If you are a rancher, if you have animals to take care of, it is a 24 hour a day, 365 day a year fucking job. You cannot take a day off. I understand. It's there. It's always there.

I understand. He bought his Mule cheese.

They just had a few more hours to wait. That's it.

Made from fresh Mule milk. I love a cheese. It's like a brown.

But after the man on the mule returned, Roberto was helped up to share the ride, and within 30 minutes, they arrived at a set of wooden huts, and the first of the 16 survivors were officially rescued. Cheese.

A lie.

By the end of their journey from the fuselage to the river, Nando and Roberto had walked, hiked, and climbed 38 miles.

It's fucking awesome. It's fucking crazy. They left this all out of the movie.

But concerning Well, they did a montage.

A montage. It was a montage, but they didn't even have the river or the other guys that found him. It was just like he walked a while, then he was in a helicopter. Yeah.

But concerning the distance, it became obvious after Nando described their 10-day journey that the survivors could not be reached by horseback because the guys that had saved them was like, Fuck, let's go right now. Let's go get them. So word was sent to Santiago for helicopters, meaning that those at the fuselage would have to wait just one more day. Predictably, though, the press arrived before the helicopters. Oh, great. Shoving cameras and microphones into Nando and Roberto's faces to ask over and over again how they survived, and more urgently, what did you eat?

Yeah, of course. Get away from me.

Fuck you. I ate a rock. I don't go. Where are my friends?

Roberto Nando ignored that particular question for the time being. When someone asked them, What did you survive on? They just stared at them. Then finally, it would be uncomfortable enough for someone else to ask a question. Pretty soon, though, three helicopters arrived with rescue teams and medics who went straight to Roberto, who badly needed medical attention due to his dysentery. Nando, however, ran to the pilots and told them that it was the utmost importance that they leave now because he wasn't sure how much longer the people still on the mountain could survive. He also knew that the longer they waited, the more likely that the bodies of his mother and sister might be eaten. Oh, God.

Mañana. Mañana. Mamiana.

Now, as far as finding them again- Mamiana. Sorry. Now, as far as finding them again, Nando very cleverly had looked back quite a bit during their journey, memorizing the mountain ranges in the path they took. Therefore, once he was shown a map, he was able to point to the very spot where the plane crashed. He's like, They're right fucking there. They're like, What? Are you fucking sure? He's like, No, they're there. And the helicopter pilots are like, You You couldn't have done that on foot. I don't give a fuck what you say, You couldn't have done that on foot. Fucking tell me about it, dude. And also, they're flying. Again, it's a very dangerous place to fly in the Andes, and this might be a potentially deadly wild goose chase. But three hours later, Nando was strapped into the helicopter's jump seat, ready to direct the pilots to the exact spot where the Fairchild had crashed 72 days before. Speaking of the Fairchild, though, spirits were quite low back at the fuselage. It had been nine days since Roberto and Nando left, and six since Tintin had returned in defeat. But then they heard on their transister radio, broadcasting on stations all across South America, that Nando and Roberto had been found, and rescuers were on their way to find the rest of the survivors.

And so the survivors at the fuselage broke out a stash of cigars they'd been saving, and they talked about making themselves a little bit more presentable. The problem was that there were piles upon piles of human remains all around, which they had neither the time nor the energy to bury. But Eduardo Strauch said that they didn't need to be ashamed of what they had to do to survive. And besides, people were going to figure it out pretty quickly.

It was going to be a main part of the story pretty soon.

And so everyone tried to find their least dirty clothes. They cleaned their teeth with the last of the toothpaste, and they waited for the helicopters. Now, while Nando Roberto took nine days to reach the spot where the helicopters picked them up, it took only 20 minutes to reach the summit, which Nando had renamed Mount Salir, after his father. And indeed, the helicopter damn near didn't make it to the crash site, and almost crashed itself in the high altitudes and dangerous winds.

It was not supposed to be where... Can you imagine that? Getting all the way there and then a helicopter crash?

Nando would have crashed again.

I mean, I'm never leaving home.

He would have been dead. There's no way you... You don't survive helicopter crashes. At one point, they had veer off the path that Nando and Roberto had traversed because it was too high for the helicopters to handle. He's like, If you fly over that mountain, then I can show you exactly where they are. They're like, That's too fucking high. They tried, and the fucking helicopter started shaking. They're like, No, fuck you. We're going to have to find another way. When they found another way, fucking Nando lost his bearings. He's like, Fuck, I have no idea where we are now. But suddenly, he caught a familiar ridge and knew that this was indeed their mountain. Because Can you imagine how much time they spent staring? Oh, yeah. Over those fucking months. Months and months of staring. Before long, he looked down and spotted Gustavo wearing the pilot's hat he'd worn almost the entire time they'd been stranded. He soon saw more waving with joy. And much to Nando's surprise and relief, everyone that they left behind 10 days earlier was still alive. And one of the guys was even so excited to be rescued that he dove into the helicopter slammed into a pile of skis, and yelled, Oh, I think I broke my ribs.

The flight back to civilization was indeed terrifying. But now that they knew the route, it only took 20 minutes each way. Once they arrived at the cabins and their green surroundings, the survivors rolled around on the grass, and Carlitos Piez just started eating flowers. He ate daisies.

I think you get sick for that.

I don't think that's that weird, considering they've been eating people for months.

Yeah, it's Nothing else is weird from now on.

But after notching on some flowers, Carlitos reached out of his pocket and pulled out a little red shoe. Oh, look, a burrito.

Which was-It's all time. Oh, my God. I had this whole pack of granola bars.

Which was returned to Nando as the pair that they'd promised. Now, once they were in the hospital, they admitted they'd survived on human flesh. In response, the doctors insisted that no friends and family could visit for a while for reasons I don't fully understand. They might chew on them. They did, however, allow a priest. While that might not seem useful, nothing did more to ease the consciences of the survivors.

Listen, I'm your dudes. I'll fucking talk to God for you all. Guess what? Fucking dissolves the shit, bro. Good work, dude. Fucking doing what you got to do, son.

The priest said that unbeknownst to the survivors, the Catholic Church actually had an official stance on the act of Anthropophagy.

This comes up a lot.

It was permissible in extreme situations. Therefore, the priest had nothing to forgive because nobody had done anything wrong in the eyes of God.

That's fucking in the book, dude. That's fucking in that shit, man. Don't worry, friend. You got fucking... Your shit is covered, bro.

That, of course, didn't stop the press from publishing sensationalist headlines around the world about cannibalism for weeks on end after the story broke the day after Christmas. Oh, yes.

It was an irresistible for them to twist this incredible story of bravery into something salacious and horrible.

Plus everyone, it's Christmas time. You love a good, horrible story. That's my thing.

You know what? That's why we're doing this story.

But as almost every person who survived said, nobody knows how they would react, and nobody knows what they would do until they themselves were on that mountain.

Yeah.

In fact, many of the parents who had sons who were killed and eaten expressed their support for the survivors. Even after rumors started circulating that the avalanche never happened and that the survivors had actually killed one another to survive.

Good Lord. It's enough.

It's enough. They've done enough. Does it have to be worse?

Does it have to be worse?

Also, there's no law up there. If anyone did kill each other up there, who gives a shit?

That's how that's mountain time, dog.

I guess it would be Argentina.

What happens in the fuselage stays in the fuselage.

Until it gets thrown outside to wait to get eaten by the people inside the fuselage.

Then, yes, it is waiting to be considered.

Well, as far as their behavior after the crash went, many of the survivors would get irrationally angry at the slightest setback. They ate ravenously all the time, and they would oscillate between complete silence and talking compulsively about every detail of their ordeal.

Utterly traumatized.

Yeah, of course.

But while most were treated to God and family, Nando Parado became a playboy celebrity. Yeah, he should, though. I don't know.

Come on, man. He's got the energy for it.

Yeah, he'd appear in society, magazines with beautiful starlets. That's my dude. He'd go to nightclubs. Of course. He judged a beauty contest.

He won. One time, honestly, I saw Tits as well, and it saved my life. If you just show me your Tits, ma'am, Maybe you, too, can be my mountain ranger.

But one night, as Nando was about to enter a nightclub that he used to frequent with his friend Ponchito, who had died the first night on the mountain, he broke down and cried for the first time, not only since he'd been rescued, but for the first time since the crash.

Really? Yeah, man. It's like, Drake.

Yeah. Not even when his sister died, not when he found out his mother died, not when he found out they'd crashed, not when all the other people died, not when they were rescued.

It's okay to cry. It's hard, man. He survived. You push a lot down. He pushed a lot down. Then, of course, you're sitting at the club, watch people dance back and forth, you got chains on, sunglasses inside. Of course, that's sometimes until your roll down behind them, reflective shades. Man, no one knows what the man at the table is crying about, but he knows because he's a survivor.

Man, I cried when I saw the holdovers.

But after his Playboy lifestyle calmed down a little, Nando became, of all things, a Formula One race car driver.

My thing is, shit's real boring for me all the time now.

Well, that's what he said, is that people thought that he started doing Formula One because he wanted adrenaline. He's like, No, I did it because I liked it. I like driving. His dad was a race car driver, I think. It was like a family thing. He's like, No, he's like, Don't read into it. I like driving cars fast. He's allowed.

He's absolutely allowed.

Finally, though, he settled down with his wife to help his father run the family hardware business, which Nando helped turn into the Home Depot of Uruguay.

That's my fucking beard, dude.

Currently, he is alive and well at the age of 74 and still gives speeches about the crash. Nando. Nando. As far as Roberto went, he dove right back into medicine and has since become the foremost pediatric cardiologist in Uruguay. Wow. At one point, he even created his own political party and ran for president, although he did lose by a large margin.

Everybody should spend one week on a mountain.

To this day, though, Nando and Roberto consider themselves closer than brothers, men who share a bond that nobody else in the world can understand. As far as the crash site went, the people who died there are still buried there. Even some of the survivors make occasional pilgrimages through a route that's only passable during summers. After a grueling three-day trip, they arrive at the glacier, where a grave built just after their rescue by members of the Uruguayan and Chilean Air Force still stands. Underneath lay the bodies of Nando's sister and mother and everyone else who died on the mountain. And in an incredible coincidence, one week ago, today, the survivors met just as they do every year on December 22nd to commemorate the day they officially survived the Andes.

Man, the story is fucking... It gets me juiced up.

Yeah, it gets me juiced up, too. Also, I want to give another thank you to Carolina Hidalgo. Oh, of course. My co-host on No Dogs in Space for the incredible amount of research help that she did, finding the human stories in this, helping me with dates, helping me with the script, helping me to edit down a lot of shit to make this a fucking wonderful, absolutely great series.

She gets paid with your sweet lovemaking.

Yes.

It really does. I feel like this is one of those stories you could take with you. I feel like this is a very rare moment of hope in a last podcast in the left. So series, which is actually really interesting for the end of the year, remind them that no matter what the fuck it is you're going through, if you dig deep, there is a reserve there. There is something there that could carry you through whatever the fuck it is that you're going through, even if it's tits. That's what you need to power you off the mountain.

Tits are life.

Yes, dude. Everyone knows that.

It's huge, man. But wow, what a fucking story.

What an incredible story.

I feel stupid saying it, but yeah, great story.

It's It's a great story.

It really is. It's hopeful. Usually, everything on the show is so upsetting.

It's making it through.

Yeah, it usually ends with someone in prison.

Yeah, so much better than the Donner Party.

Yeah. Well, Donner Party worked out for the people that survived just like this because then now you have a story. You have a story to tell everyone, and everyone's interested in your story. They did it right. Not all of them, they didn't turn into weirdos.

They just lived their lives. Some of them had a hard time. Oh, yeah. I think some of them definitely. Not all of them lived full lives afterwards. There was some- It's mostly Nando. Nando and Roberto did great. Some of the other guys did- Circus people. Yeah. No, they had just a lot of divorces. Just not being able... It's like anybody who has PTSD, if you don't treat it like it's hard. It's hard to be in a relationship.

It is. They're mostly still alive.

Most of them are, yeah.

That's the craziest thing.

It's intense, man. Only a few of them have died out of the 16. Most of them are still alive. The vast majority.

The old man was one of them, of Of course.

Oh, yeah. But guys, we're coming up in 2024. We have a lot of great stories we're going to tell. Some stuff that we've been promising a long time. Getting to a lot of weird shit, which I'm really excited for. Getting back to some of our roots, do some hardcore true crime as well. I can't wait. You'll hear very soon.

Going to be cool shit.

Before we do, go rent how to ruin the holidays on Amazon.

Yeah.

And ignore Ed's joke from last week.

What are you going to do? I also bootlegged it, so hit up.

Yeah, he can send it to you for free on iPhone. A scrambled iPhone video.

Yeah. Paul?

That's it. Hale Sat.

It was beautiful, guys. Good, great job, Marcus.

Really good job. Thank you. Yeah, and great job to Carolina as well. Yeah, Carolina. Of course. Yeah, did a great job. Hale Geen.

I'd see you next year.

Hal Nando. Yeah.

Hal Nando. Yeah.

Hal Nando. Fuck, yeah.

Amen.

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