You're freaking alpha, right? You're like, Oh, whoa, and you come in. This is what I'm doing. You're a beast, and I freaking love it. I love it. You know I do. You are this beast. And because I've met Chris, I know how sweet and quiet he is. And so I actually really want to go deep into being an alpha woman, because I think this is super important. In moments like this, where you're with your husband in the past, and again, I know that you've really worked on it, and that's very eloquent of where you've gotten now, I'd love to go back a little and say, really, for the audience to hear how you've actually navigated to get to this point, because you've definitely spoken about, what do you call it? The breadwinner resentment rage. Yes. So if you don't mind taking that in case people don't know your story, which you've told before, but if you don't mind going back to the moment where five second more freaking takes off, because I really want people to hear where you've come from in your relationship, because it is so powerful how you navigate, how you've navigated, how you show up, how shows up, your triggers, his triggers, because there's one more thing I want to add to all of this is you can't change them.

Stop trying to change them. They have to do it themselves. So to hear how he's evolved is so powerful. And then to also hear how you have evolved is so powerful. But it has been, you guys have done the work separately and then seem like you've come together. Yeah.

So I'm going to preface everything that I'm about to say with this disclaimer. Everything that I'm saying, I can only speak to the pressure that Chris and I felt as a heterosexual couple.

Okay. Yeah.

Because so much of the dynamic about resentment and alpha female and all that shit has way more to do with the pressure that are put on men to provide. It has a lot less to do with you being an alpha female as it does with what society says to dudes if you're not the one making the money. I didn't realize how big of a deal this was truly until about a year or so ago. Chris and I, when we met, we both worked. We both contributed to everything. We paid our bills together. We didn't have separate accounts. We just threw it all in together. He worked, I worked. We just ham and egged it. We were coparenting, co-earning, co-this, co-that. Then he got laid off from a job and decided to go into the restaurant business, which had been a dream, and stepped into entrepreneurship, something he had always wanted to do. It was what his MBA was in. I was fully not supportive. I was pregnant with our son, and I'm like, Wait a minute. We're in stage of life where we're making the ends meet, but that's it. Was there a trust fund that was part of this arrangement that I'm not aware of?

How are we supposed to pay our bills if you're not working? I did not sign up for this. And he basically said, I'm miserable. I'm absolutely miserable. I do not want to work for somebody else. I'm willing to sell the house. I'm willing to downsize. I am not willing to be miserable to pay for a lifestyle. And we were not living high in the I mean, this was like, we're not living in... It's literally like we're in suburbia. And so I'm like, oh, shit. He's serious. So at that moment, I said, fine. We did some math. I said, You have eight months. You got to be earning X. I will take a second job. I'll do whatever I can. But you got eight months. There's your runway. And if at eight months, you guys have not brought in the funding and you can't be making this, still trying to make it even, Steven. In eight months, they land the funding. He makes the money that we had calculated, and all is fine. So continue to go on where the restaurant's starting. I'm now doing my thing. I'm making a little more than him at this point because it's a brand new venture.

Then all hell breaks loose three years into the restaurant business. The US goes into a huge recession. They had two of three locations that were complete dogs. We were upside down with the house. And there is nothing other than a major health crisis or a death that is more stressful than dealing with no money and not being able to pay your bills. They've studied this, that there is a significant impact on your ability to be happy and to manage stress based on just an achievable amount of money as a baseline level. It's at this point that my husband's mental health starts to go off the cliff. It's also at this point that my resentment and mental health starts to go off the cliff because I, too, have bought into this notion that he's supposed to provide. My money is my money. My money is like the extra money, like the go to Disney World money, the kids can get new cleets money. His money is supposed to be the money. Traditional roles here. And so what's interesting about this is if you have that experience with your partner, regardless of your gender, regardless of what relationship with you're in, I want you to stop and consider that if you're putting pressure on your partner when it comes to finances, that is your ambition.

That is your desire. It is not their responsibility to pay your bills or to provide for you. And too often, we, women, in particular, are looking to a partner to fulfill our own ambition. And meanwhile, that partner of yours might also have societal pressure to be providing. And just like we, women, are trained to look at one another and size each other up, and I have thin or tall or this or that, and my boobs are this size. We obsess how we look in our physical form as a way to compare. Dudes are doing this about their bank accounts and the cars they drive and the house they have. They are. Because society just keeps reinforcing that. If you're not a dude that can really provide for your family, you're fucked. And providing, by the way, doesn't in societies like Lane mean love and emotional connection. It means money.

So true.

Right?

And so Chris's mental health starts to plummet.

Because also their self-esteem is tied to it. Correct. So now it's what they hold their value to now starts to going down. So now their self-esteem starts to go down with it because that's how they feel That's what they believe that they bring to the table to make themselves feel better.

Just like we women, we're trained to believe that someday the prince is going to come in, that your worth is about somebody else liking you.

Choosing you, yeah. Yes.

Yeah, and it doesn't ever occur. I was sitting with our daughters who are 23 and 22, and a group of their friends this summer, and I'm like, When are you guys going to understand that you can choose? Why are you all sitting there talking about how you go out to these bars and nobody comes up to you? Why is it up to them? I think it begins in middle school when you go to the first dance, and it's presumed that the little boys are going to ask the little girls to dance. It's sick, honestly. But we're all getting it in different ways. And so I'm trying to explain it this way because I fully own that for a long time in my marriage, I was putting pressure on Chris to either succeed in the corporate world or I was angry at him because he was failing as an entrepreneur. But all of that was my ambition. See, I married a guy who doesn't give a shit about money. That dude would live in a I mean, as it is, we live on a mountain in Vermont. You can't see another human being from where we live.

You can't even hear them. He would prefer to not have tons of stuff. He doesn't care about that game. He had a father who ran one of the largest advertising agencies in the world, went from Mailroom to CEO. And so Chris watched somebody climb the ladder, and he lived in his father's shadow forever and believed that if he were successful in business, he would be able to be respected and loved by his father. That's what that was all about.

And now you're echoing that response. Correct.

So he, of course, he marries a woman that is climbing her own ladder and literally the personality type of his father. And I chose somebody who is deeply spiritual and grounded and stable, and kind because I would self-destruct with somebody that was as ambitious and as crazy as I am. Chris needs my energy and life force, and I need his stability. So he starts falling off a cliff mentally, because not only is he failing in his business, but friends and family have invested. So he's not only letting himself down, He's got a wife who's pissed off and angry. He's got payroll that's bouncing. He's got a business he's trying to save. He's got investors that he's let down. He was in a really dark place when he finally got out of the restaurant business. Hey, it's Mel. I want you to stop thinking about what you want and actually do something about it. What can you do? Jump into my new free training called Make It Happen. This training gives you the tools. It's packed with science. It comes with a free workbook. It's exactly what you need right now. More than half a million people are taking it.

You have the power to change your life. Together, let's make it happen. All you got to do is click on the link in the caption, melrobbins. Com. It's free. I created it for you.

Why wouldn't you take it?

Don't miss out on the life you could be living. Let's make it happen together. By this point, I'm I'm just trying to keep us above float. I'm working all these consulting jobs. I'm just doing whatever I can to help us pay the bills. It was awful. We slowly start to chip away at it, and they slowly start to turn the business around and ultimately sold it to an investor, and Chris left. But for the two years after he left the restaurant business, he hadn't been paid a salary in a year, and then he spent two years just trying to find himself. And I was in charge because he was lost. And I didn't realize how lost he was because I don't even think he was aware of how lost he was in terms of the shame that men feel when they're not successful and the self-criticism that they put on themselves when they don't provide. And when you feel that much emotional pain, you either numb it, that's where addiction comes in, you self-destruct. There's all kinds of terrible things that can happen because we don't want to feel that pain. And so, thankfully, Chris went inward, did a ton of therapy.

That's when he became a yoga instructor and started studying meditation and working with a therapist. It's It took him a while to realize that he was struggling with depression. And that was yet another one of those things. It's like, Oh, my God. First, I can't pay the bills. Now, I'm also mentally weak. So he didn't want to even admit that. And I'll tell I'll tell you, there was a lot of rage that I felt and a lot of resentment that I felt. I guess I felt it in the beginning because I just bought in to what society tells you. And what's interesting is that our kids say, and Chris will say the same thing, and I certainly do, that the greatest gift of their childhood was that from basically most of middle school all the way through high school, Chris has been the primary parent. And Chris grew up with a dad that was never home. And the irony is he always wanted to be an entrepreneur because he thought it would give him more flexibility to be home. And I think oftentimes, life hands you what you want, but not in the way you thought you were going to get it.

Meanwhile, he's deeply struggling because he feels like, Here I am on a Tuesday at 2:30 in the afternoon in the pickup line. And I can sit here and tell myself that I'm happy to be a stay-at-home dad, but the truth is, it feels like there's something wrong. It feels like I failed. Because he didn't say, I want to be a stay-at-home dad, and It just is what happened. And meanwhile, I'm all over the place. And we would do this thing where every time the bill would come at a restaurant, I would just kick him under the table to pay it because I knew me putting the card out was very triggering.

For him? Yes. How did you feel about that?

I think in the very beginning, I was proud of myself, and then I He was annoyed. But what really flipped it for me was this, is when I started to realize that this is actually what I... I'm ambitious. I love building shit. I'm driven by making an impact. Chris is, too, but in a totally different way. I feel like through all of this chaos, we actually landed in the right roles in our relationship. The cool thing for our children is they have watched parents go from both earning to dad's an entrepreneur, to a business failing, to mom stepping into the big role and taking the lead, to dad being home and being around and how amazing is that, to then dad launching his men's retreat business called Soul Degree, to mom then doing a book, to then dad then getting his master's. He's starting at the age of 53 getting his master's in therapy and psychology. Just They've seen this reinvention partnership, gender bending, traditional role, all of it in the course of the 26 years that we've been together. I think that is hugely important because the truth is that the gender roles that have been imposed on us are complete fucking horseshit.

I personally believe that for Even in particular, it is critical that you earn money because money is power and money is freedom. And money gives you a seat at the table, whether that is your kitchen table or it is a table at a restaurant or a table in a boardroom. You cannot deny that there is a power dynamic in money, because I will tell you, in my own relationship, when I was the only one earning money, boy did the power flip and boy did But I feel entitled. All of a sudden, I'm like, Oh, this is the way dudes think. Oh, interesting. Chris and I would get in a fight about something. I'd be on the road all week, traveling. I'd come home tired. He's been home all week with the kids. He's tired. And I come in and I, whatever it may be, I might dump my suitcase right by the door and spread all my shit out. And he says something, Could you put it in the closet? I can't tell you how many times I almost said, Are you kidding me? Do you know I've been working all week? As if what I'm doing is more important than what he's doing.

I think it has less to do with the gender than it has to do with the way that money creates a power dynamic in a couple. Power follows the money. And power dynamics are driven a lot by who It's presumed that the person that makes the money has the say. Unless you work hard to eradicate that.

So I love that. And one thing, actually, Tom and I, because I was very aware of that early on. So I was a housewife for eight years. So I was very aware that I never wanted to go and ask him. I was like, That doesn't make me feel good. It makes me feel like I'm less than him. It wasn't him. It was my own thinking of it. And I remember having this discussion with him, and he was like, Well, babe, of course. We'll take my salary and we split it because you earn half. He's like, You're at home earning half. So that was actually really early on where I was like, Okay, we'll just take the money. We put them... I was really handing it the money.

I would never tolerate separate accounts. I feel like if you're with somebody and they make more money and they're demanding separate accounts, you have an inequitable relationship.

It wasn't a separate account.

No, I'm saying you guys did the same thing. Because Because I always said to Chris, Dude, I can only do what I do because you are doing what actually matters.

How did you get to that point then?

Because as you- He didn't believe it. I believe it because I value family. I value the fact that Chris is home. I don't want to travel and not have one of us there. And so I'm like, Of course, this is your money. Because I wouldn't be able to do this without your support. And then he stepped in and started doing all kinds of stuff and acting as being the CFO of the company. It was hugely helpful as we started to grow. And then it became very apparent, Okay, you managing operations in my business is not your calling. This is not what makes your heart sing. And it's also bad for our marriage because all we do is talk about work now, and I don't want to do that. But I think that that is critical, that if you don't value the support that your partner provides, that's That's a huge problem.

What I love, everything that you're saying as well, is it's both sides of it because it's him feeling sensitive, feeling like he's not worthy, which is a trigger from childhood. And I definitely believe, at least for myself, don't want to say it for other people, my triggers are mine to own, my triggers are mine to work on, and my triggers are mine to overcome. I don't look to Tom to get me over my triggers. But I do ask him to help me until I'm okay with it. So if there's something that triggers me, it's like, Hey, right now I'm being triggered. Please don't say this word. I'm working on X, Y, and Z. And as we go, I'm going to get better at the trigger, and then afterwards, you can use that word or whatever it is. So I definitely think it becomes these two sides, where one person needs to work on one side, and then you need to work on that idea or the attitude of you get home and you're like, I've been traveling all week, and so why can't I leave my suitcase here? In moments, did you ever watch the movie Sliding Doors?

I have never seen that.Long ago. Long time ago, Gwyneth Paltrow. I've never seen her. Basically, she goes to go on a train, and I don't really remember the whole story, but the concept. So she's running for a train, and she misses it. The doors close. Sliding doors close. And as soon When the doors close, the movie starts with what life would have looked like if she made the train. And then all this other stuff happens on the train. And you see these completely different trajectories of their lives because she missed that sliding door moment. The The idea of there's this one moment or two where you go, I can make this decision, and now your life is completely different. Or I can make this decision, and before you know, your life is completely different. As you're telling the story, I really was thinking about how many people have those sliding door moments where they go, Oh, my partner, my husband, whoever, he's insecure, he's bringing this to the table. I can't do anything right. And so I have to leave this relationship. Or the sliding door moment like yourself, where you both decide to work on it together.

And it's not about him. It's not about just you. It's about both of you. And you both come together and in working on it, now you can say you've been together for 20 for six years. But so many people stop at that. I don't know what year it was, but like that 14-year mark, where they go, I'm done. I'm done because they get triggered over everything I do. I've got this dream. I've got this ambition. And maybe they're holding me back, quote, unquote. How did you work through that? Because, again, that sliding-door moment can dictate whether your relationship fails or whether it can be like you, where you can sit here right now and you can say, We've overcome this.

This is very important because I made a major mistake with Chris, and that is I did not understand what it does to a man's psyche when he is not successful successful and more dangerous when something he's doing is failing and failing publicly. I had a lot of anger out of financial fear, and I'm talking very generally about standard gender norms.

For a guy, the pressure to be a man is about providing, it's about money in the bank, it's about all All of the stuff wrapped around success.

We feel the same pressure from society around how we look, about our age, about how thin we are, and the pressure is the exact same.

Because what happens is when you're not successful as a guy, you not only feel the fear that you're feeling, you feel shame, you feel embarrassment, you feel like a loser, you feel like the world's worst husband.

So you got to understand that because he's already trashing himself more than you ever will.

And then what happens, though, is when you add on to that, and Any criticism, any opinion, any anything but encouragement, it craters them even more. And so Chris and I got into this mode where he was shutting down, He was snapping. He was angry. We were both drinking way too much. And luckily, a bunch of stuff started to happen. And just like you, as I was changing, it was not on the same timeline that he was changing. And so any of my optimism, any of my enthusiasm, any of my success that was starting to happen only shined a light on everything that was lacking. And so what your husband needs, I don't know if he deserves it or not, but I'm going to tell you what he needs. I'm going to assume he deserves it because he's probably working really hard and he's probably beating himself off, is he needs encouragement. He doesn't need coaching from you. That will destroy your marriage. He needs encouragement and validation. And the other thing that I noticed, and this is what's going to come next, because if your career starts to take off because you're doing all this personal development and your mindset's on fire, and you're super expansive, which is super annoying, by the way, to somebody who's down low, you're going to get what's called breadwinner resentment rage, which as the roles flip in your marriage, you're going to start to get pissed off that you're the one doing everything.

And that you're bringing money in, and you're also doing most of the chores at home, and you're also... And why aren't you stepping up when I'm going over here? Which, by the way, makes them feel like this, too. So what do you do about it? I think the most important thing is you guys got to have a conversation, one for real, about where he's at and what he's feeling, and ask him, what does he need for support? Because we only guess. And I can tell you one other story. When we got the news about the talk show not going to season 2, I, of course, was in an emotional roller coaster for a good week or so. And every day I would come home because my way of dealing with stuff is to try to fix it. And so every day I would come home and I'd be like, I don't have to do. I'm going to go raise money, and I'm going to buy a show back myself. And then I'm going to call a syndicator, and I'm going to do it myself. And then Chris, being analytical, would go, So who exactly are you going to call?

And he's not questioning. He's just curious. And then the second day, I would come home and I'm like, I have an idea. I'm going to straight to all the advertisers that integrated with the show. And I'm going to pitch him on the teacher.

What the fuck?

And he'd be I'm like, Oh, so who's on the top of the list?

He's just having a conversation.

And then the third day, I come home and I'm like, I know what I'm going to do.

I'm going to start doing online courses again. Oh, so are you going to use Kajabi in some way? And I'm like, What do you stop asking me questions?

And he looked at me and he's like, I'm sorry, I'm just trying to help. And I said, Let me tell you what I need. Until I'm saying, whenever I come home with an idea, Just say these words. That's a great idea.

Because I just need validation right now.

That's all that I need. And so I think you should ask him, what can you do to support him? If you see him doing things to try to change what's going on, validate that and understand he's already beating himself up. And your job, if you want to help him resurrect the business, if you want this to bring you together, you got to be the one that's lifting him off through this because he can't do that for himself.

There are nine types of behavior that we dismiss as, Okay, not that big of a deal. I can live with it, whatever. The truth is, now that you understand what really builds a healthy relationship and strengthens it over time, you'll see why these behaviors that I'm about to explain are non-negotiables. If you spot this in a relationship that you're in, you got to flag it, you got to call it out, and you cannot tolerate it. Because if you allow this behavior to continue, it will destroy your relationship.

Okay, so behavior number one, your partner keeps lying to you.

I don't care if it's just little white lies about where they were, or where they spent their money, or who they were hanging out with.

I was just hanging out with the guys.

But it was a particular one of his friends that you don't like that much. Lying in a relationship, it literally cuts to the core of breaking apart any shared values because you need trust and honesty. Even the white lies mean that there's no trust and honesty because when somebody's telling you a white lie, they're hiding information from you or they don't want to deal with your reaction. So now they're manipulating you. And in terms of connection, the second that somebody decides to lie about something, they're turning away from you and they're disrespecting you. And so lying, non-negotiable. And don't just roll your eyes at the white lies. You got to flag this stuff. You got to draw a boundary with it because it will not work in a long-term successful relationship. Second behavior that you have to address is when your partner gives you the silent treatment. Giving someone the silent treatment is one of the most manipulative, dysfunctional ways to behave in an adult relationship. I mean, think about the silent treatment like a kid. Fine. I'm going to talk to you. When somebody gives you the silent treatment, number one, it's probably something that their caregivers gave to them when they were a kid.

So this is their default way of dealing with conflict and upset. They take themselves away from you. They turn away from you. Instead of turning toward you to resolve conflict, they keep things in a gridlock because they refuse to talk to you about it. This is like an emotional guillotine when somebody does this to you. It is immature, it is manipulative, and it is selfish, and it is a power move. You're dealing with somebody who either is so uncomfortable talking about their feelings or so uncomfortable having conversations to resolve conflict, or worse, that they are such a narciss or engage in narcissistic behaviors that they literally Stonewall you instead of talking to you. This should not be tolerated, period. This is a coping mechanism, if your partner is doing it, that they've probably been doing for a long time, and you've got to draw a boundary with this because you cannot build a successful, loving, and trusting partnership with somebody who at any moment will just turn away from you, cut you off, and Stonewall you with silence. It's immature, it's rude, it's disrespectful, and you need to literally call it out and not tolerate it.

Another behavior behavior, is when they use your insecurities against you. Now, remember the four things I was talking about? You got to have self-understanding and understanding about your partner, and you got to have shared values, and you got to have connection When somebody uses your insecurities against you, that's mean. That's belittling. And what happens over time, if somebody is using your insecurities against you. Let's say that English is your second language and they make jokes about your accent, or the fact that you talk so fast that they can't understand you, or they make jokes about what you drink or what you eat, or whatever it may be, your your mini legs. When they use that stuff against you, the way the ex treated you, it could be anything. That is the exact opposite of connection. That is the exact opposite of respect. That is belittling, it's abusive, and this is a major red flag, and you should not tolerate it. Taking it a step further, do not ever let your partner call you names. This is number four. Especially if they dismiss it, this is called gaslighting, when they call you a bitch, or they make fun of you, they call you names you don't like, and then they're like, What's wrong with you?

Can't you take a joke? I didn't really mean it. If your partner is calling you names, this is not a form of connection. This certainly does not recognize shared values. They're not resolving conflict, they're creating it. More importantly, if you tell them, Don't freaking call me that. It's rude, it makes me feel bad, and they continue to do it, now you know you're with somebody who doesn't have your best interest in mind, and you need to end it as far as I'm concerned. If you got somebody who's calling you names and you tell them not to and they keep doing it, and then they gaslight you and say you're the problem, that this is not a relationship for you. The fifth thing that we need to signal as a red flag is that they constantly interrupt you, talk down to you, talk over you, or shoot you that look like, I don't want to hear from you. What that signals to you is they don't care what you think. What that signals to you is that there is no connection here. There is superiority. What that signals to you is that they believe that you're not in a relationship.

They believe that they're more important than you because what they think is more important than what you may think. In fact, if somebody's always doing this, they don't really want to understand or connect with you. They just want to dominate you. And so that is also not going to work and should not be tolerated because that's not a healthy relationship. The sixth thing that you want to be on the lookout for is if your partner will not allow you to have some independence.

Said in a scarier way, if your partner is controlling or slightly stalkerish or crazy jealous or is going through your things or snooping through your email or doesn't trust you or accuses you of things, this is a danger sign because this will not get better over time.

This This is somebody's crap from the past, probably an ex, or probably something that they witnessed growing up in the household that they were in, that are major trust issues for themselves, that they're now taking out on you. A healthy, mature adult relationship is one where there is mutual respect and mutual trust. And by the way, you don't earn someone's trust. If you're in a healthy relationship, trust is given. Trust is assumed, and trust is broken whenever there's behavior that causes it to be broken. But if you're in this relationship with somebody, you've done nothing wrong, and this person is controlling you and accusing you and snooping and acting in a way that clearly demonstrates they don't trust you, you need to get out, and that person needs to get into a therapist chair because it's not your job to fix this. Number seven, if your partner is making big decisions without you, there is no relationship, period. If your partner is, I don't know, taking a couple of thousand dollars out of the joint savings account to go buy something that they wanted without telling you. If they have a secret credit card and they're making purchases and you have no idea about this, it's also a form of lying.

Let's say that they've just decided that over the holidays, you're going to spend the holidays with his or her family, and they didn't even consult you on it. These kinds of big decisions, the decisions that impact you, these are decisions that you're supposed to make together. These are decisions that couples talk through. These are decisions that if there's a little bit of stuff to sort out, you seek to understand where one another is coming from. You compromise, you listen to each other. When somebody is making big decisions without you and then acts all annoyed when you are not happy about it or when you call them out on it, that's a huge sign that this is not a relationship that's going to last. This is a dictatorship where somebody's calling the shots and expects you to fall in line. Not going to work. Number eight, if your partner is constantly constantly telling you how you're supposed to feel versus listening to you and validating how you feel. You're not really in a relationship with somebody. You are with somebody who not only doesn't have their own self-awareness, but they're not interested in gaining any self-awareness about how you're feeling about anything.

If they're ignoring your opinions and then telling you that you should do this or that or the other thing, if they say, If they say, Oh, come on, that was just a joke. Why aren't you laughing? If they say, It's no big deal. I don't know why you're upset about it. If they're constantly not listening to you and invalidating how you feel, this is a major issue. You're not with somebody that's turning toward you. They've turned away from you. They're not interested in becoming aware or connected to you. This is somebody who just has you there next to them, and there's really not a strong I'm dead serious about this, and I know that I'm making this bigger, and here's why. So many of us just see these warning signs. They're like, Oh, it's not letting me get it. It is a big deal. It's a big deal because there's a big difference between what people say and how they act. If you want to know how somebody truly feels, ignore what they're saying and watch how they behave. Here's the final, the ninth sign that you have a partner that disrespects you. You are in a relationship that is not healthy, that is not going to go the distance, or if it does go the distance, it's because you're ignoring these things and you're not happy.

But it's when your partner ignores your boundaries. You see, boundaries are critical. Boundaries are critical not only in friendships and with work, but boundaries are so important in your romantic relationships. In fact, healthy relationships are relationships that have have boundaries, and between people who establish and respect one another's boundaries. When you have a partner that takes some of your money, doesn't tell you, doesn't return the money, spends it on something you know that you don't want, that is an example of somebody crossing boundaries. If somebody's invading your personal space, if somebody is pressuring you to do things that you don't want to do, that's an example of how somebody's crossing your personal boundaries. If a person is speaking to you in a way that is demeaning or calling you names, again, another example of how somebody is ignoring your boundaries. If your spouse or partner is blowing up your phone while you're trying to get work done at work and you've told them not to, this is another example of how they are disrespecting your boundaries.

Hey, it's Mel. You know what? I want you to stop Thinking about what you want and watching videos on YouTube and actually go out into your life and do something about it. Because action is the answer, and the first action you should take is jump into my brand new free training. It's called Make It Happen. This training gives you the tools to go from thinking to doing. It's packed with science. It comes with a free workbook, and it's exactly what you need right now. More than half a million people are taking it. And the fact is, you do have the power to change your life. And I want to help you. All you have to do is click in the link link in the caption or go to melrobbins. Com/makethappen.

It's free.

You jump right in. I'm going to be your coach. I created it for you. Why wouldn't you take this opportunity to make your life better? Go do it. Do not miss out on the life you could be living. Let's make it happen together.

Now, the good news is, these nine things are also examples that if you are in a relationship relationship where there is a foundation and you raise any one of these issues, Hey, honey, this is a boundary of mine. When I'm at work, I need to concentrate on work. It is embarrassing and distracting when you are texting me all day long and then when you get upset that I can't text you back, and I need you to stop doing that. Okay? I cannot text you all day long while I'm at work. If your partner's reaction is, Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry. I had no idea. I just missed you, babe. I promise I will work on it. Thank you for telling me. That's a great sign. If you say to your partner, Hey, I don't want you to tell me what you think. I just need you to listen and I need you to validate what I'm feeling. And they go, Oh, gosh, sorry. Yeah, of course. Thank you for telling me that. And you start to develop a new habit of when you're about to talk, saying to your partner, Hey, I just need to vent.

Can you listen and not give me advice right now? I just I just need somebody to hear me. And your partner goes, Great. I will absolutely listen. Now you're taking this thing that used to bother you and you're turning toward each other and working through it. If you call out your partner because they made big decisions without you, and they say, You're right. I shouldn't have done that. It would have felt terrible if you had committed to your parents that we were going to be with them this year, and you didn't talk to me first. I got it. Thanks for telling me that. That's an example of how these things, when called with the right person, has you turned toward one another. If telling your partner that their lack of trust because of what their ex did is driving you crazy, it's disrespectful, and it must end, and that gets them to go to therapy, that's a sign of somebody working hard and gaining the awareness that they need so that they can be a better partner. That's a good thing. All the other behaviors, too. If they stop calling telling you the names and apologize, if they become better at not interrupting, but become better at listening, if they stop using those insecurities and start lifting you up instead, and if your partner starts working really hard because for people who have the silent treatment as a default, this is hardwired.

If they're avoiding conflict, stonewalling you, but you see them trying, you see them working with a therapist, you see them using simple things like saying, I can't have this conversation right now because I'm too emotional. Give me 10 minutes to collect myself, and I will come back in this room and we will talk through it. That's a good thing because you're seeing the person take the feedback and actually try to change. And finally, lying. When you catch them, there's two liars. There's the people who are lying to you because they are manipulative assholes, and that's always going to be a problem. And then there are the people that are lying to you because they're terrified to disappoint you or because they have low self-esteem, or because they've always been lied to, and this is the default, but they don't want to do it. And so they're willing to do the work, to become more self-aware, to get to the heart of why they're so afraid to tell you the truth. And it typically has to do with self-worth and self-confidence and self-love. And honestly, those breakthroughs that you have as a couple that are the result of you calling out these nine forms of disrespect that are causing breakdowns.

If you're in the right relationship, any breakdown that you have will become a breakthrough that causes you all to turn toward one another and work on creating better trust, better communication to solve these problems and old habits together. That's when these things are good. If you get pushback or nastiness when you call out these nine things, lies, silent treatment, using insecurities against you, calling you names, interrupting when you're talking, not trusting you and invading your privacy, making big decisions without you, telling you how you're supposed to feel or ignoring your boundaries. Honey, there is an exit sign over the door, and you need to locate it and walk out it.

Let's go to St. Petersburg, Florida, where Shantel is waiting to ask me a question. Shantel, welcome to the stream. Hi. Hi. So you wrote in with a question, but why don't you just tell me a little bit about the issue that you're dealing with?

So My girlfriend and I have been dating for a little over two years. Right now, with this whole pandemic issue, I think I have the biggest communication problem in our relationship. She's very expressive, and she wants to know how I feel about things and what I'm thinking. I internalize a lot of things. I don't want to communicate. And growing up, that really wasn't something that was taught. Everyone that I have seen, growing up, my family, everyone just shuts down, withdraws, and Okay. I want to see you meeting.

That's right. I'm seeing it. Who is that?

Okay. My grandmother. Hi, grandma.

How are you? Welcome to the live, she's your grandma. She's adorable. I love her hot pink pants. Amazing. We love you. Thank you for taking care of her. Adorable. Okay.

Sorry about that.

Keep going. So you grew up in a family where you were witnessing the adults shutting down to avoid conflict?

Yeah. Everyone shuts down, withdraws, no one wants to talk. And then a few days or weeks or even months go by. And then it's like, okay, just move on and act like nothing ever happened. That's what I witnessed, and that's what I have been doing. I've gotten a lot better reading some books and watching videos and stuff and just learning more about how to communicate better. But even right now, because I'm not working and just being in each other's face 24/7, it's like, Okay, now I withdraw. I I don't even want to talk about it. And I'll go, I just want to sleep. It's like, just let the days go by. Hopefully this will be over soon. And it just doesn't go over well with her.

And what is her reaction when you withdraw? When you withdraw, do you just get silent or do you leave the room? What's your mode of withdrawing?

I just feel like when there's a lot of tension between in us. I just want to go out for a walk or something or even just lay in bed. And I don't even want to talk. And she wants to try and work things out and let's talk about this. What's bothering you? How can we find a solution? I'm like, just forget it. I internalize a lot of things, and so she'll say something, and I immediately jump to the conclusion that she doesn't love me anymore, or this isn't going to work, or something's wrong with our relationship. What's going on? She's more of a, Let's find a solution. And I'm like, I freak out, and I just withdraw.

Well, so, Shantel, there's so much that I want to share with that is going to change not only your relationship, but it's going to change your life because it's going to give you an understanding of why you're doing what you're doing. And it's going to give you a couple of simple tools that you can use to start to crack the code on being able to both draw boundaries for yourself emotionally so that you feel supported while you're also working on becoming a better communicator. So this question is so relevant for so so many couples, and I'm so proud of you for sharing it. The first thing I want to do is I want to acknowledge you because you zeroed in on the reason why you do this. Every single one of us learn how to communicate, positively or negatively, based on what we saw growing up.

And it takes hold in us before you even realize most of this patterns is what I'm going to call it, that you have absorbed.

You absorbed by the age of five. So if what you saw in your household is that the moment there was conflict, people shut down. This is a pattern. It's neither good nor bad. It's just a pattern. We all learned our parents' patterns. Our parents were just doing the best that they could. It's not a matter of whether or not your parents are good parents or bad parents. This is just how your your parents and your caregivers dealt with the stress and conflict in their life. They avoided it. And so it's no surprise that you now are an adult feeling stuck. And the reason why you feel stuck is because you are stuck in a pattern. And the reason why I like talking about it in terms of patterns is because it's not personal. The great thing about patterns is once you recognize that you have one and you can identify it and you can identify the situations where this pattern takes over like that, and suddenly, next thing you know, you're sleeping in your bed instead of talking to your girlfriend. Once you identify the pattern, you see that it's broken because it's making you feel broken right now, isn't it?

Yeah. It makes you feel like you don't have control over yourself. And so what I want you to first understand is, number one, you're really smart because you know the origin of this. Number two, you simply have a pattern that's broken now that you're an adult. Number three, you can replace patterns that are broken because you're not broken. You just have a pattern that are broken. Okay, so how does that make you feel knowing it's simply a pattern and we can replace it?

Yeah, that feels really good. And that's what I'm trying to do. I'm learning to do that now at 31.

You know what? I'm 51. I'm two decades ahead of you. I am dealing with every day it seems like I see another pattern. And so here's the thing that I want you to understand about patterns. Patterns like this, patterns of behavior, they are not stored up here. They are in your nervous system. There's a term called Ghost in the Nurs, which refers to something that psychologists talk about, which basically means that when you are itty-itty-bitty, tiny, And there was conflict. And I'm not talking like punching or anything in your household, but just like people arguing, okay? So when you experience conflict, your nervous system knew people were fighting. And then what you saw with your eyes is you saw everybody shut up and leave the room. What do you remember your caregivers doing whenever there was an argument?

Not talking, my stepdad in the room watching TV, eating fast food. My mom, downstairs doing her own thing, and they won't ever talk about anything. And then days go by. I guess once everyone feels like, Okay, it's over, let's Let's move on. And they don't ever revisit why they argued in the first place or where the issue was. It's like, Let's just move on and pretend like nothing ever happened. That's my relationship with my mom right now, still. She'll that and spend months not talking to me. And so I'm trying not to do that.

And guess what?

My relationship.

Well, and here's the opportunity. I guarantee you this is something your mother learned. And so this is generating This is a generational pattern. And so the opportunity here is for you to not only be able to heal yourself and to be able to strengthen your relationship, both to yourself and with your girlfriend, but you also have an opportunity to break a generational pattern, which is super amazing. And it doesn't mean that your mom's a bad person. This is just what she has learned to do.

For sure. My grandma did the same thing And I'm sure her mom did the same.

So here's what I want you to understand about your nervous system. Given that you saw this growing up, you saw them separate, you saw them not talking, what happens now that you're an adult, now that you've seen this, and this is what was modeled for you, is that whenever you're in a situation where you start to feel, my girlfriend's getting upset with me, she wants to talk, we just heard about something. Before you even think, I got to talk, your nervous system remembers what it was like to be a kid in a household when your parents were about to argue with each other or when your parents got upset with each other. And what you witnessed was separation. So before you even think, what happens is your nervous system goes, oh, wait a minute, I recognize this. This is a moment of conflict. I know what to do. I leave when this happens because that's what I saw.

And it happens, right?

It happens before you even think about it. And so here's what I want you to understand. You and I can talk about this very easily. Because we're dealing with your nervous system, I'm going to I'm going to give you a plan that's going to involve two things. The first thing it's going to involve is things that you can do when conflict arises with your girlfriend in order for you to be able to be more constructive and be more connected with her to resolve conflict. That's number one. The second thing that I'm going to do is I'm going to teach you some simple things that you can do to start to get back in touch with yourself, okay? Because this is going to be about you creating new programming, just like a computer. You got your mom and your stepdad and your grandmother's programming in you. We need to update the operating system, okay? And so what I want you to do is, first of all, are you comfortable talking through something that is a conflict? You know what I mean? Like, even just talking about it, what is it? What do you feel in your body if your girlfriend wants to talk through something and it feels like there's tension?

What do you feel?

I just automatically go to... I jump to conclusions, and I start thinking that maybe she's not... This is not even true. I just make these assumptions that she's not loving me anymore, she's falling out of love, or this relationship is damaged, and maybe we can't fix it. And just dumb stuff like that.

Yeah, and it's not dumb because why do you think you equate any disagreement with a lack of love?

I don't know.

I- Think back to your childhood. Why do you think disagreeing means lack of love. Is it because your dad and mom divorce?

Yeah, they divorced, and they fought a lot growing up. A lot of arguing, a lot of verbal abuse. So I don't ever want a relationship like that. Our relationship is not unhealthy. I've really strived to try and be more... I mean, not do anything that's going to create any unhealthy relationship, but my inability to communicate is doing that. It frustrates her a little.

It frustrates you, too.

It does. I really wish I could be more open about how I feel.

Well, I can boil this down to you. You ready? Yeah, let's do it. I think you made a decision a long time ago. And the decision that you made is that couples that fight break up. And couples that don't talk about what's upsetting them stay together.

Yeah. Yeah.

That's all that this is. You saw two relationships. And the one that went the longer distance is between your mom and your stepdad. And what you witnessed is they just didn't fight fight, and somehow they survived. My mom and dad fought a lot and there was a lot of arguing and verbal abuse. They broke up. And so you have equated fighting and conflict with whether or not a relationship survives. So it's not surprising to me that because you love your girlfriend and because you want this to work, you would adopt the pattern from the couple that you saw that lasted. Does that make sense?

Yeah.

And since this is all tied to situations when you're about to start fighting, your nervous system is reminded of this paradigm of this couple fought and broke up, this couple didn't, and they stayed together. And so your nervous system immediately opts for not saying anything. Now, this is a huge insight because it boils it down to something really simple. And what you have to understand based on the research, I'm imploring you, is that the healthiest and happiest long term marriages are between couples who actually fight because knowing how to have a constructive conflict brings you closer together. And so knowing how to have a disagreement and still be able to stand with your partner and work through it, that's what will lead you to not only feeling good about yourself, because then you can express yourself freely without the fear that somebody is not going to love you, but it will also make you and your partner stronger because you know through the ups and downs of life, you are able to work through these things. Does that make sense?

Yeah.

Terrific. So let me give you some advice for a couple of things that you can do. First of all, you said you were reading some books. So what have you tried that has worked so that I can build on it?

Well, right now I'm reading Unfuck yourself. That's really good. I've read a couple of books- What are you learning, though?

What is it that's learned that's made a difference for you?

That it's all about your thoughts, learning to take control of your thoughts, and that will lead to you having more control over your emotions and your actions that I struggle with because a lot of times I do think negatively. I just jump to negative thinking a lot.

Well, one thing that you can do for that is I did this free course a year ago called Mindset Reset. It's 30 days long. It's totally free. You should retake it if you've already taken it.

Yeah, I'm going to.

You should use it the 30 days of videos. Just go to melrobbins. Com/mindsetreset. It's 30 days of free videos in a workbook. And you should use just your negative thoughts about relationships as the thing that you're going to decode and reprogram in your mind. Okay, because we I already know one negative thought you have, that couples that fight, break up, and couples that don't fight and give each other the silent treatment, they stay together. It's actually not true. And so you've got to change that opinion. The second thing is, is that you have decided that when your girlfriend has something that she's in conflict with you about, that it means that she doesn't love you. The fact is, if she's coming to you about it, it means she loves you and wants to work through it. And so here's what I want you to start. First of all, does she know that you want to have a breakthrough in this?

Of course. We talk about that all the time. Once I break through that whole, I'm not talking and what's the point? There's no point to this. And this is useless. Why talk about it? And blah, blah, blah. Eventually we'll talk and I'm like, yeah, I do have an issue with communicating and I I do want to change that. I want to be better.

You don't have an issue with communicating. You have an issue with being loved.

Yeah.

Tell me about that.

I don't know. I just don't think I'm worthy in some ways. I don't know. Before I met her, I was a devoted Christian. It really took a lot for me to be open to this homosexual lifestyle thing because it's wrong. And then the people People that you think love you and are there for you, turn their back because you're a homosexual. So, yeah, when the people you thought were your tight circle. They were there for you. They love you and they love to see you grow and get better. And I was doing great. But then it's like, okay, huge And that part of me is missing because I'm envisioning myself marrying a man, having a husband and having a family. And that's not what I want. That's not what I feel attracted to. Then I meet her and it's a huge issue. So I left because I want to be happy, too. Why can all of them date and be in relationships and get married and have kids? And then I can't because, oh, I'm not attracted to. It's just stupid. So I left and I moved to St. Petersburg to get away and start a new life and be happy for once.

Well, I'm really proud of you because moving away and choosing Choosing to be happy is probably the first decision that you have ever made where you chose yourself.

Yeah. Instead of what everyone else wants or thinks it's the best thing for me.

Yes. And it is the hardest thing in life to do, to stop making decisions that betray who you are for the sake of what some church says, or the sake of for what your friends say or the sake of what your family expected. And so you should know that you have done the hardest thing in the world for anybody to do, which is to recognize who you are at your core and to choose yourself. And one of the things that is going to be remarkable when you stop going silent, when you argue with your girlfriend and And when you stop using the silent treatment, is that it will be a way for you to choose yourself again. Because I think that when you go silent, it is two things. It's both unconscious because it's what you saw and you want this to work. And so this is the pattern that you saw with your caregivers. That's number one. But number two, it's also the way you test her. So if you go away from an argument, you're taking control by removing yourself and seeing if she actually loves you enough to come and find you.

And she has. She's done that. And I think I have used up all of those chances. And now it's like, I'm not going to chase after you. I'm not going to do what you want me to do now.

So now the stakes are really high. And so this is the moment that we all change. When you become super present to what a broken pattern is costing you, that is when we all decide to change, because change has to be deeply personal. And so I want you to also realize that just like claiming and choosing yourself and living fully open as a gay woman was a way to choose yourself and to stop betraying yourself, I want you to do the same thing with this communication pattern, because every time you leave the room, every time you tell yourself that she doesn't love me and she's going to leave me if we fight, and every time you do this, you are actually betraying yourself. Because what I see is I see a 31-year-old woman who wants to have her voice, who wants to be able to say what is going on with you, who wants to talk about what she's feeling. Because for so wrong, you didn't. And so this is your chance with somebody who loves you to start practicing learning how to choose and honor yourself by giving yourself the permission and the space to say what you're feeling.

And so there are a couple of things that I think will help you a lot. First of all, I think the two of you should work together to come up with a sentence that you say when you are arguing. And maybe it is something like, babe, I am not going to leave you. I am standing right here. I am not going anywhere. And we need to talk about this. And you need to stand here with me. Maybe what you need is just that reassurance up front. I love you. This is why I'm telling you why I'm upset. Let's work through it. Maybe you need that as a safe word, so to speak, to cue you that this is a moment to stay. The second thing that I want you to do is I want you to always use the I statements. So when we get into arguments with the people that we love or with anybody for that matter, we start going, you Well, you do this, and then you raise your voice, and then you do this and then you raise your voice and then you do this thing. You always, always, always want to use I feel.

So when you start to do this to her But when you do that and you did, there's three fingers pointing back at you. And the power is always right here. And so when you're arguing, I know it's uncomfortable for you to talk about your feelings. You can say, I am scared to say this because I'm scared you're going to leave. I'm scared to say this because my mom and stepdad never talked about anything, so this is new for me. You can always talk Think about what's going on for you. I feel sad when this happens. I feel scared. I feel invisible. I feel worthless. Because a lot of us, when we start arguing, we argue about the bullshit on the surface, but really what's going on is something underneath is getting triggered. And so for you to always anchor in choosing what you're feeling and choosing to say it out loud, it's a way for you to live even more openly and more fully and be more connected to her. The final thing I want to give you is that if this is a really intense argument about something. And you really do need a second to cool down.

The only way that it is, I think, respectful to yourself and to your partner, if you need to go do something and remove yourself is to say, I need 30 minutes. You put a timeline on it and then you say, and then I promise I will come back and I will resolve this with you. And then I just thought of one more thing. Because this is a situation where your nervous system has taught you to shut up in situations where you feel threatened and any disagreement makes you feel threatened to your core, you might find it helpful to say, can I just take a second and write how I'm feeling down on a piece of paper? Because in retraining yourself to be able to have conversations that feel full of conflict or make you feel vulnerable or uncertain or scared that she's going to leave, you may not be able to get it all out because you're going to be everything that she's doing. So you might want to start by saying, Can I just take a minute and just start writing down what I'm feeling so I have it in front of me so that I tell you everything?

What do you think about those steps?

I think that those are very useful. I think I can definitely implement those in my life and see how that's going to change things, my relationship with her.

Well, the one thing I know in talking to you is that you're going to be okay. And you are going to have a life full of love because is you're doing the really hard work right now of learning how to love yourself. And if you can leave a church, and you can leave a friend group, and you can leave perhaps some relatives, and you can choose yourself and live your life openly and fully as a gay woman, then you are 95 % of the way there. It's just now about letting somebody else in to all the things that you're feeling. And you've just faced a ton of assholes who rejected you because of their own bigotry. And so I'm not surprised that this is a really tender moment in your own personal transformation. But every time you choose to stand in that moment that's terrifying and you choose yourself, and you choose to express what you're feeling, and you choose to stand there and love yourself enough, you get stronger and stronger and stronger.

Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, by God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family.

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