Goal setting. It sounds simple, right? You just set a goal, then you go after it. Goal setting is something that I screwed up for years. I was the poster child of making resolutions and of being all talk, no walk. I was part of the 81% of people that had bailed on my resolutions by the time January 1 rolled around. That is, till I dug into the research, read the book, studied the experts, and figured out how you set goals and do it right according to what research has to say. And I want to talk to you about this today because I am getting an avalanche of questions and messages about setting goals and breaking and making new habits. Like this one from Dave Hey Mel, this is Dave.

I'm wondering if you can talk about goal setting and how they do it right? There's a lot of talk about resolutions and goals, especially with the new year coming up and in the past I've had a hard time setting them and achieving goals. Could you give me any tips?

First, I want to say to you, Dave, thank you for this question because you're not the only one that has a hard time setting and achieving goals. And I'm not only going to give you tips. Today, we are going to have a masterclass in goal setting. In fact, I am so excited by the number of you that are looking for information about ways to set and achieve goals this year that I've decided we're going to do something a little different. For the next month or so, you and I are going to dig into the most foundational and important building blocks that you need in order to create lasting change in your life. These are the topics that I have been researching and teaching around the world. These are the topics that I write about in my books and in our audio projects with audible. This is what I have been studying for years. And so here's what we're going to do, and I am so excited about this. For at least the next month, all of the coming episodes are going to be master classes, toolkits, 101s on the most important topics when it comes to personal development, success, happiness, creating a better life.

Today, we're going to dive into goal setting, but then we're going to jump right into habits, mindset, anxiety, relationships, mental health, healing your nervous system and trauma, confidence, boundaries, happiness, meaning and purpose. Why? Well, because these are the foundational pillars to create a better life. And when you understand these topics and the latest research, most importantly, you have simple tools that you can apply immediately to your own life. That's a game changer, and so that's what we're going to be doing in every single episode. Why? Well, change is always going to be hard. Always. I'm not going to lie to you about that. But neuroscience, academic research, and other people's personal experiences can provide unbelievable insights into how, when, and why behavior change efforts on your part can succeed or fail. And I want you to have all of this and be able to use it to your advantage. I already mentioned that 81% of people give up on their goals. Well, guess what? That's not going to be you. Because you, my friend, are going to have the science, the tools, the strategies, the shortcuts to not only making change happen, but making it stick.

And so this awesome series that we are programming and bringing to life for you is going to begin today with the topic of goal setting. Because one of the things that I know, based on the research, is that no change will last in your life if it's not personally connected to you. And no goal will be achieved if you don't have a connection to why you want to achieve it. And so I figured if we're going to do a big series that's going to give you the foundational aspect and most recent research around changing your life, we better start with an episode where you identify personal, relevant, and achievable goals that you're excited about. That way, every single other episode that you hear in this series for the next month or so, it's going to help you achieve something that really matters to you. And the fact is, goals matter according to the research, and you probably have experienced this when you have been working on goals. Goals matter because, number one, they make you happier. Number two, they suppress negative emotions. And in fact, based on some groundbreaking research out of the University of Wisconsin, having goals that you're working on can even suppress feelings of fear and mean.

That's pretty cool. Third, goals give you a sense of purpose, meaning, and being up to something. In fact, I just had a conversation with our daughter, Sawyer, who was saying that she's kind of in a rut. She's like, I just feel like my life is the same old, same old. Like every day is the same damn day. And it's only gotten worse because she works remote. And she's worked remote for over a year and a half since she first interned for the company she works for as a senior in college. She's almost never gone into the office, no holiday parties, no nothing in person. Every day she sits at her desk at home and works virtually. She hangs out with her roommates, who she loves. But it's like the same thing in and out. You want to know what's going to fix this goals. Because when you have goals, it interrupts the day to day doldrum. It gives you something to look forward to. It makes you feel like something cool is happening. And that leads me to the fourth benefit. Life is harder when you have no goals. Based on the research. Having goals makes your life feel easier.

And I think even just that little story I just told you about my daughter feeling like she's in a rut. You can see that when you're in a rut. Life is hard. When you feel stuck, when things are monotonous. It's hard when you got something that excites you, something that you're working toward. That's pretty awesome. And that's why we, you and me, we are going to start with your goals. Because they matter. And what also matters is how you set them. Because if you don't set goals the right way based on science, you fail before you even start. And that was Mel Robbins for years. So think of this episode as a comprehensive toolkit that will help you make goals that are going to keep you inspired, that you can achieve, that are going to make you feel excited about the year ahead and what you're up to. And I have one promise to share with you. You're not only going to learn a lot today. By the time this episode is done, you're going to have identified between one and three goals and you're going to do it with me side by side as I identify one to three goals for myself.

And we are also going to apply the latest research every single step of the way. And I want to share that up front because I expect your goals to change from the beginning of this episode until the very end because you are going to be applying the research all the way through this episode. By the end of our conversation, you're not only going to have defined these goals, you will have refined them and you will have taken steps toward them. How freaking cool is that? So make sure you listen all the way to the end because we are going to cover a ton of ground today. So let me just preview what you're going to learn today. We're going to start by unpacking really exciting research that's pretty recent out of the University of Oregon that simplifies goal setting into two major components of what makes up a goal. And if you don't have these two major components present when you set your goals, you will fail. Seeing this study made me realize why I have failed in the past at setting certain goals. I'll tell you those stories because I think that they're going to help you.

But this is really exciting stuff because it's super simple and there's so much research here. Second, as you begin to identify the goals using these two components that we're going to unpack, I'm going to walk you through the five mistakes that everybody makes that prevent you from achieving your goals. And you're not going to make these mistakes because now that you got your goals identified based on the University of Oregon research, we're going to make sure we refine those goals using the five mistakes so that you can avoid the pitfalls that I know I've fallen into. And step by step by step, we are going to support you. I'm so excited for this episode, honestly, because I'm going to do this with you. And you're also going to learn about a widely reported study regarding whether or not you should talk about your goals. This is a study that people cite all over the place that has been debunked. And I will tell you the new research related to whether or not you should ever talk about your goals. Okay, cool. You ready? I got to take a breath because there's a lot we're going to do.

I'm really, really excited about this. I love goals. And I also love this recent research that I found from Dr. Elliot Berkman at the University of Oregon. Now, Dr. Berkman is the co director of the center for Translational Neuroscience, and he studies the motivational and cognitive factors that contribute to success or failure at achieving goals. I mean, he's figured this out for both of us. How cool is this? And when you hear this research, this is kind of one of those studies where you're like, well, that makes a hell of a lot of sense. Why did nobody tell me this? So first, let's start with his definition of a goal. Okay? Dr. Berkman's definition of a goal is this. A goal is any desired outcome that wouldn't otherwise happen without you doing something. Let me unpack this. This is kind of illuminating. Okay? So a goal is any desired outcome that wouldn't otherwise happen without you doing something. So I'll give you an example of a goal. Let's say that this was the year that you're like, that's it. I'm getting six pack abs this year. If you have a goal of getting six pack abs, you have to do something different.

That's why it's a goal. If you have a goal of getting out of debt, for example. You have to do something to make that goal happen. Let me give you an example of what is not a goal. Watching that series that you're addicted to right now. For my family, it's gangs of London. I don't have to do anything different. To watch the series gangs of London. You see how that's not a goal? The reason why it's not a goal is there is zero resistance. There is zero change. There's zero that I have to do differently. Goals naturally contain friction and resistance because they require you to do something new. Now, that might sound obvious, but if you don't get that a goal is going to require you to push through some kind of resistance, you're going to fail at setting them. They're going to be way too easy. Okay, so let's start applying this to your life right now. I want you to think about an area of your life that you would like to improve or where you want to set a goal. So just stop and think about the coming year. What is an area of your life that you want to improve or where you want to make a new goal?

I have three that I'm going to share with you, and one of my goals for the coming year is in the area of free time and hobies and having fun. A second goal of mine is going to impact my health in a positive way, and the third is about my mindset and focus and clarity. So I'm going to unpack these and just, I invite you to listen along. And as I'm explaining my goals, think about what you're inspired to change, where you're willing to do something different. So I'm going to start with number one, hobbies and having more fun. I really want to spend more time. One goal of mine this year is to spend more time gardening. I just love gardening. Not vegetables. I like flowers, landscape. And I want to make sure a goal of mine this year is that I spend more time gardening. That's one goal. Now, a second goal that I have for this year is related to my health. And I want to stop drinking for a while this year. And I can get into more as we unpack this and go through the research. But that's a goal of mine, to really just knock off the booze for a bit.

And third is about my mindset. I want to get back. This is a goal of mine to a consistent journaling practice every single morning. There are things that I do every single morning that have zero resistance. I don't even have to think about it. I roll out of bed when the alarm rings. No resistance. I high five the mirror every morning and set an intention. I have no resistance. I have a cup of coffee every morning. No resistance. I typically move my body most mornings, no resistance. But something that I really want to make a goal of mine is having a consistent journaling practice every single morning. That would be pretty cool for me. So I want you to now stop and think about you. What are goals that you have for the coming year that are going to require you to do something different in order to make this goal happen? Now I want to stop for a second because I want to address something that you may be thinking right now, because it's a question I'm seeing a lot.

Hey Mel, how do I set my goals if I can't determine what my goals are?

I absolutely love this question. And by the way, it's super common to have no idea what you want. And I'm going to give you a number of research backed strategies that you can use to kind of cut through the uncertainty or the overwhelm or the fog in your brain and identify at least one goal by the end of this podcast that is personal and motivating to you. But I also want to talk about something that gets in a lot of people's way, other than just not being sure what your goal should be. And that's perfectionism. If you're the kind of person that is constantly aiming for these crazy high and unattainable goals, that's very demotivating, because super high goals, unattainable goals. What happens is you don't achieve those. And so you start to feel like a failure. And perfectionism can get in your way of setting goals because you start to figure, well, if you don't set a goal, then you can't fail. Perfectionism, according to the research around goal setting, looks a lot like this. You set goals, but then you give up before you start. Or you want to set goals, but you burn all your time just kind of analyzing and analyzing and analysis paralysis.

Or you also just avoid the situations where you feel like you're going to fail. So here's an example. You are really wanting to take your health seriously this year, and you set a goal of going to the gym every single day and exercising for 2 hours a day. You literally fail before you even start because you're trying to get it perfect. And we're going to address that, don't you worry. So whether you're dealing with brain fog or you're dealing with perfectionism. This is super common to not really know what your goals are. So let's talk about the research. Okay. These are prompts that are going to help you to relax and to dream a little bit and to lean into goals that are really going to make a difference in your life. Because I want you to have goals. They really matter. So, number one, it's really important that you make sure that your goals are really aligned with your dreams. And if you can't come up with any goals that really inspire you, this is going to sound counterintuitive, but I want to invite you to think even bigger. If you allow yourself to start dreaming again, then what you and I can do, if you can identify the dream, is you and I can then use the research to scale that big, awesome dream of yours back and turn it into small, achievable goals.

This is based in research, and so I invite you, if you don't know what you want, allow yourself to dream big again, and then we'll get into the research about how to make that big dream a smaller goal. Now here's a second tip, and this one's a little morbid, but it tends to work. If you don't know where to start, think about the end. Like the real end, your death. When you think about the fact that at some point, this amazing thing called life comes to an end, what do you want to have achieved in your life? When you think about it in reverse, trust me, you're not going to wish that you spent more days at work. You're going to wish that you spent more time outside or more time with family. You're going to wish that you did pick up the guitar. You're going to wish that you did take on some of the goals that are buried deep within your heart. And so if you truly feel stuck, think about your own death. Research shows that it prompts you to get in touch with what matters to you. Now, you could also, if that doesn't float your boat, you can also just get quiet.

And this is based in powerful research. Basically, mindful individuals are way better at setting the right goals for themselves. And I personally believe that one of the reasons why is that when you have a mindfulness practice, whether it's a meditation practice or, heck, just get out in the woods for a walk. Have you noticed that if you ever take a long walk on a beach, that by the end of that 30 minutes stroll, you've worked out a lot of your problems in life because you've gotten quiet? If you get quiet. You can hear the most important sound in the world and that's your own voice. And that matters when it comes to goal setting, because the best goals are those goals that are personally relevant, meaningful and enjoyable to you. Now, researchers have a term for this. They call goals that are personal to you, self concordant goals or want to goals. This comes from researchers at Carlton University. I like to call these goals personal goals. Getting in touch with yourself helps you set these kind of concordant goals. They are not goals that you feel pressured to do out of obligation. I think we've all taken on those goals right where you're like, all right, everybody's getting in shape.

Oh, everybody's doing whole 30. Oh, everybody's doing this. Guess I better do that too. Those kind of goals don't work because you're not interested in those goals. You want goals that are in touch with something personal to you. And here's another really interesting little hack that really works. You're going to use the third person. So using a third person perspective, according to research at Cornell, can help you identify and achieve personal goals better. And so now I'm going to turn it back to you again and I want you to use the third person research from Cornell. I'm going to use it first, and then I do want you to say your goals out loud. Okay, I've already shared my goals, but let's make these Cornell University style goals.

Okay.

And let's do the third person. Mel would really love to spend more time gardening this year. You know, it feels kind of funny when you say that. It's almost like it's happening now you say it. What would you love to do? Say it in the third person. In your name. Here's another one of mine. Mel has a goal to not drink at the beginning of this year. It sounds like more. Really? You've got to try this. It's so wacky how this works, Mel. You know that Mel, she would love to get up every day and have a rock solid journaling routine. It's weird how that Cornell University works. And now it's your turn. Use the third person, take a minute, hit pause and say what you want out loud. Go ahead. It's kind of weird, isn't it, when you use your own name and look, it's okay if it's super general. Mine are really general. Did you notice that my goals right now, they're just things I kind of want to do. I want to journal, I want to not drink for a couple of months. And I want to spend more time gardening. But by the time this episode is done, you and I are going to refine these general statements, these goals, using research.

And so let's dig into this exciting research that I promise to talk about from the University of Oregon. So here's the most important thing about goals, and I love this study because it boils goals down into two things that have to be present. If these two components of a goal are not present, you're not doing shit when it comes to this goal. I have experienced this in my life. You have experienced this, and I can't wait for you to hear this. So the two components to achieving any goal is that there must be what researchers call the will. And the way the will of any goal refers to the motivational and emotional aspects of the behavior change. In other words, the why. The will is the why of behavior change. So let me ask you a couple questions that researchers kind of unpacked in this study that are going to help you really clarify the why when it comes to the goals that you're thinking about. As you and I are talking right now. Why is the behavior change important to you? Why do you want to change? Why now? And I'm going to go through these, and I'm going to use one of my goals, gardening.

Why is the behavior change important to you? Well, it's important to me, this goal of spending more time this year gardening, because I love gardening. And I've talked a lot on this podcast about how I am addicted to being busy and it causes a lot of stress. And when I'm out in the garden, it's super relaxing. It's really creative. I love growing flowers from seed. I love cutting flowers and bringing them in. The second question, why do you want to change? I want to change because I want to be present more in my life. I want to change because I want to get serious about having more fun and being more creative. And this third question, why now? Why now? Why is this a goal now in your life? Well, for me, why now? Is because I just feel called to do it. I feel like if I'm ever going to break this addiction to being busy and I'm going to find more time to truly enjoy my life, I have to get serious about making that change now. Like, why wait? And so I feel called to do it. So that's the first part.

And I want you to ask those questions of yourself for any goal you want to set. Why is the behavior important to you? Why do you want to change? Why now? And if you don't have an answer to those questions. That goal that you're thinking about will not work because the will to do it, the motivation, the why, it's not going to be there because it's not personal to anything to you. Now, let's talk about the second component.

Okay.

The second component in this study from the University of Oregon is the way. And the way refers to the cognitive and informational aspects of the behavior change. I call this the how. The way is the how of behavior change. And so let me walk you through those questions. How is this behavior change going to unfold? What skills and capacities does it require? What is the specific plan for doing it? And for me, the behavior change that's going to unfold is I am going to study how to create a cutting garden. I'm going to build my own little, what are they called? Like raised bed thingies that you kind of put the thingies in. I'm going to learn about cultivating flowers from seeds. What skills and capacities does it require? Well, a lot for me. What is the specific plan? I'm in the middle of creating the plan, and I think you can start to see, as you ask yourself these questions about the goal that you have. How's this behavior change going to unfold? What skills and capacities does it require? What is the specific plan for getting this done? I think you can see that if you don't identify the how, that change ain't happening.

Because willpower alone, motivation alone, it's not enough. You got to have, according to the research, both the why and the how in order to be successful at changing behavior. And so the takeaway here, based in science, is that any goal requires two things. There must be a will and a way, a why and a how. And here's why. This is really interesting. Neuroscience has revealed that your brain system involved in those two sides of the behavior change are entirely different from one another. So, for example, the how you're going to make this goal a reality. That's all the brain circuits that are involved in executive functioning, including your prefrontal cortex, among other areas of the brain. The why, on the other hand, is the dopamine energetic? I can't even say it. That's why. I can't say. It's the dopamine reward system within the brain. That's the why. And you need both. You need to tackle the how, which is having the know how, the skills, a plan, the push, and you also got to have the why. And the why is what comes into play when you know what to do. But you can't do it.

It's how you hack the motivation. And what studies reveal is that this is hard because new behaviors, they're rarely as motivating. As much as we may love to make a plan and you may love to buy a new journal, or I used to love to buy a new planner. When you buy a new calendar for the new semester and it feels like the new you, I just loved the planning part. Have you ever had that experience where you're all excited to go to the gym, you're all excited to try this new routine, you're all excited for this new habit and the day one that comes, no motivation at all. I mean, it makes sense, because why would you want to try that new hit exercise when you know that watching Netflix, something you do all the time, is way more enjoyable? That's why having both is super important. You cannot just have the why you want to do it with no plan that doesn't work. And you also can't have a plan and have no reason why you want to get it done. And when you really stop and think about your goals this way, having a why and a how, it's what's going to get you excited.

And if you're somebody that continues to make goals but you constantly give up on them, I'm going to tell you something right now. Those goals are not linked to something that you value, to a core belief. And the second that you make that link and you make these goals personal, holy cow, you will be unstoppable. So we've covered the two components of goals based on the research at University of Oregon, I've asked you to walk through the questions of the why and the how about the goals that you're starting to set. And I want to say something right now. If you're starting to feel like the things you wrote down in the beginning are not the goals that you want, that's great. You may change things up completely from the beginning of this episode, the middle of the episode, and the end of the episode. That's the point of this. Listening to research is not going to change your life. Applying the research will. So please, as you're gaining insight and as you're taking these tools that I'm sharing with you, and you're applying them to the way that you're thinking about your own goals for the next year, please allow yourself to change.

Please allow yourself to modify the goals because that is going to help you achieve them. Here's some more dreams of listeners. I want to leave my corporate job and start something on my own. But I fear failure. Here's the interesting thing about letting failure stop you. The fear of failure. What do you feel when you show up at a corporate job every single day that you don't like, and you've got this dream buried deep inside you, and you know you're not working on it? Who are you failing? You're failing yourself because you're not taking any action on your dreams. And that's sad. Here's another person talking about fear. The fear that's holding me back is taking a risk to change what has become my norm. Let me talk to you about getting lulled into what has become just your day to day life. See, that's a form of fear. Fear can be disguised as sameness. I call this the dream thief. This is a really sneaky way that fear sneaks into your life. It's why it's so hard to get off the couch. It's why it's hard to work out. It's why it's hard to leave a job that you've had for ten years, despite the fact that you want more, you deserve more.

You're willing to work for more. It's just fear. You're used to what you have. Do not let that lull you into asleep, because what will happen is decades will go by. That's exactly what happened to me every single year. When I would write on a list what I wanted in my life, hosting a radio show was at the top of it. I mean, I was a huge Howard Stern fan. I'd been listening to Howard Stern since I was in my mid thirty s. I just love Howard Stern. And I would write, I want to be a radio host. Want to be radio. Radio host. Want to radios. And then when the podcast market started. Oh, I want to be a podcast host. I want to be a podcast host. I want to be a podcast host. I did the exact same thing. I was so used to my current life, I kept saying, well, I don't know how to fit that in. I've never done that before. Who's going to listen to me? I don't have anything to say. I put all my time and energy into talking myself out of working for what I wanted.

Here's another one. I'd like to work in the film industry as a director and writer in Los Angeles, but I currently live in Europe, and I'm working in.

Okay.

Okay. You want to be tortured by your dreams, or do you want to work toward them? How about signing up for a screenwriting class and a producing class. While you're in Europe, how about making a plan? How about you stop thinking about it and arguing about what you're currently doing, and you put your time into energy, and energy into figuring out how to do what you'd actually like to do. See, in life, time and energy are your two biggest commodities. And right now, your life is like a melting ICE cube. Every day that goes by, it melts a little bit more. And that's why I so want you to start to take this seriously, that today be the day that you get started. And this not only goes with how you're spending your time, right? Because you can find 510, 15 minutes a day to start chipping away and doing the work, to figure out how to make some version of what you want a reality in your life. And we know, based on the research and based on what you learn on this podcast, that simply spending time every day working on something that really matters to you is the secret to bringing more meaning and joy into your life.

Why? Because when you start to acknowledge your dreams by working on them, you validate something deep within your soul. It's an act of love to do that for yourself. You've been so busy waiting for somebody else to tell you it's okay to do it, that you're missing the real power in pushing yourself through the fear and the impostor syndrome and the self doubt. See, I think we get love all wrong. I think we believe that love is something that someone else gives to you. That's not true. Ultimately, love is something that you give to yourself. It's something that you create. And love, again, is something. And love is what you're going to feel when you stop thinking about the things that you want in your life and you step into the physical world of them by beginning the work to make them a reality. I'll tell you another dream of mine. I really want to write a trilogy. Like a fiction trilogy. I'm not going to tell you that thing because I don't want anyone to steal it. But I don't know how to do that. And it's been in the back of my mind for a long time.

And what I know is if I were to simply sign up for some kind of class, even online, on fiction, fantasy novel writing, that would bring my dreams out of the intellectual or the conceptual and into the physical realm, and that makes it real. Do I ever have to write the book? No. Simply working on it brings something alive inside of you. What you bring to each and every day that you wake up is what you're going to create more and more of. And that's the secret everybody talks about, habits and how habits help you determine who you are. I want to boil it down and make it even more simple. Where you put your time and energy every single day will define the life you create. And so if you're putting your energy into relationships where you're not getting back what you deserve, that is a waste of time. A waste of your precious time, I might add. Another listener writes, the Impostor episode was key for me, and I realize I've been filling my time with other things, so I don't have to do what I'm afraid of. I'm going to come back to this concept of time and energy is the time that you have during the day.

I'm talking five measly minutes, ten minutes, 15 minutes. Are you directing it at what you want to create, or are you just mindlessly going through the day and through the routine and keeping everything the same? The energy that you're putting into relationships are those relationships that are giving you something back in return. I am here to tell you, you can change your life by waking up every day, being very clear about what you want, taking responsibility for creating it day by day by day, and slowly redirecting your time and energy toward the things that you want. It's just like pointing your car in a new direction and driving forward, and ultimately, it takes you somewhere new. And that brings me back to why I wanted to talk to you about this. Because this is really a conversation about love. It's not about fear. It's about love. Because love is something you give to yourself. It's something that you can create. And love is the engine and the fuel that will bring more joy and fulfillment in your life. And so how do you start with yourself? Well, and the more that you wake up every day and you direct your time and your energy toward the things that you really want to create in your life and the relationships that give you energy back, you will be feeling and creating more love for yourself.

And you know how I keep talking about the fuel and the fire and the engine? Well, that's love. What can drive your life forward is creating love from within. That's why this matters so much. I have another listener writing in. I want to become a surgeon. But the process is very complicated. Well, no shit, it is very complicated if you look at the end result, but it's not complicated at all. If you wake up every day and you ask yourself, how can I pour time and energy today, in a small way, into this thing that I want to create. And when you start to get that intentional, when you take responsibility for what you want and moving your life in small ways every single day toward it, everything changes. And it's not that complicated at all. And this final one for a listener. I still want to be an actor after all of these years, but I'm a coward. No, you're not. You're just a beginner. That's all that you are. That's all that I am. That's all that everybody is when it comes to the things that you've never done, the dreams that you haven't begun working on.

You're not afraid. You're not an imposter. You're not unworthy. You're just a beginner. And all that a beginner needs to do is wake up every day and in small ways, point their time and their energy toward working at it. And if you do that, one of these days, you'll wake up. Maybe it'll be someday soon, maybe it'll be a decade from now, but you'll wake up. And that dream that you've been writing on your list and moving from one piece of paper to another year after year, will stop being a thing that you think about, and it will become what your life is centered around, because you're the one that woke up and made it happen. Day by day, week by week, month by month, year by year. That's how you get it. You. I told you this was exactly what you needed to hear. And here's what I want you to tell me. I want you to tell me the one action you're going to take today. I want you to flood my inbox and the forms@melrobbins.com podcast with stories of what you did, not what you're wishing for or wanting or the self doubt or the fears make today that someday that you've been waiting for.

And then tell me what you did so I can cheer for you and celebrate you. Because you know I love you, and I believe in you. And I believe in your ability to move from the dream world and the doubt world into the doing world and make what you want a reality. And by God, you also know I'll be here driving side by side with you on this solo journey called life, cheering for you every single step of the way. Mel, how do I get started? How do I achieve this? Okay, this has been fun, girl, but this is a lot like buying a brand new planner for the new school year. So now what do I do? Okay, well, step number one, based on the research, the second that you define your goals, and we have now defined the goals, we are using the research. I'm feeling super empowered. I hope you are, too. You have to make the first milestone super, super easy, because that means it feels like you've already done it. Okay? So we got to make a super simple first step. And scientists even have a name for this. Scientists call this incremental illusion.

That's what we're using, incremental illusion. If you make the first few milestones really easy to achieve, you will be more likely to succeed at this goal, because nothing, and I mean nothing, is more motivating than progress. And research from the University of Chicago gives us a great example of what I'm talking about. Okay, so you know how you go to a coffee shop and they have these offers where if you buy ten cups of coffee, you get the next coffee free? Here's a little trick that's pretty interesting that uses this effect, this illusion. Okay, so they gave one group of people a card that was buy ten cups of coffee, get one free card, but it was blank. Okay. They gave another group of people a buy twelve cups of coffee, and then you get a free card. But two of the slots were already checked off. Progress had already been made. It's still the same thing. You're still having to do ten. But guess what? The folks that were given the card with two slots already filled in, they moved through that card faster by checking the boxes twice. Listening to this podcast, check.

You're no longer at square one. You've defined your goals. I can tell you some other things. You want to do the smallest step possible. Chris gave me a book about dahlias, those flowers that I love for the holidays. Check. I'm in box two. If you can take the smallest step today, can you do a Google search? Could you spend a little time journaling? What's something that you could do? You can't think of something? No problem. I've got something. Based on the research you could do. Step number two. Check. Box number two. Tell someone you admire about this goal. This debunks decades old research from 2009 from researchers at Yale that said that you shouldn't tell anybody about your goals. But here's the hook. You need to tell somebody you admire. You got to tell the right people about your goals. This comes from a set of new studies from Ohio state. Researchers found that you show greater goal commitment and performance when you tell your goal to someone you admire or whose opinion you value. And these results run counter to this widely reported 2009 study from NYU that suggested that telling other people your goal is actually counterproductive.

And so here's what you can do. Just tell somebody you admire. Here's how I'm doing it. I'm sharing these goals with you, and I'm going to go share these goals with my family. And I'm going to share these goals with my friends. I'm going to talk to the woman that I met this summer that is growing dahlias and learn from her. That's another step. This is like us checking off the boxes on that free coffee card and getting you to start seeing yourself making progress. And the final thing, the second that this episode is over, do a tiny thing, one step forward. This comes from a recent study at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine that showed that starting right away resulted in the most change. Do not wait for Monday. Do not wait for the weekend. Do not wait until later. The most important thing you could do, that little box you're going to check is when this podcast is over, spend five minutes taking a step. Whoo. Now I get to talk about the most life changing part of all of this. You ready? The whole reason why goal setting is important is because it creates meaning and purpose in your life.

And that's the most important part. Your goals are not really meant to be achieved. The most important part is that you're pursuing something. That's why goals matter so much. I mean, remember the research we talked about in the very beginning? Those goals that you've defined and refined based on the research, having them, taking little steps toward them, it's going to make you happier. It will suppress negative emotions. It makes you feel like you're up to something, and your life is going to be way more satisfying having those one, two, or three goals that you're working on than having no goals at all. And there's a reason why I'm going to hammer this idea of pursuing the goal. Okay, first of all, I don't want you to try to get this perfect. I just want you to try. And the second reason why is that when you achieve a goal, the irony is it's not as satisfying as you think it's going to be. Setting goals makes you happy. Working on goals makes you happy. Achieving goals does not create or promise lasting happiness. Yeah, it is awesome. When you finally get to the top of that mountain you've been climbing, you take in the view, you catch your breath, you sit down on a rock, you take a selfie, you eat some gorp.

And then you stand up and you climb back down. It's over. Yeah. It's amazing. When you pay off your bills, you celebrate, you feel the burst of pride, and then you go on with life. The point and the purpose of achieving and setting goals that are deeply personal, that have a will and a why and a how and away right. Is because when you have goals, you're up to something. You're committing to your own growth, and you're getting intentional about things that are relevant and important that you want to see yourself doing. And we have a tendency to overestimate how happy we're going to be when we achieve the goal. And there's even a name for it. That's how common this is. It's called the arrival fallacy. It's this fallacy that once you lose the weight, once you get the job, once you find the romance, once you reach the destination, that. Then I'll be in nirvana. Then I'll be happy. Then no. Tal Ben Shara, the Harvard trained positivity psychology expert, he has debunked this thing in study after study after study. And all you have to do is look at the number of Olympians or movie stars that we think have achieved it all that then are just plummeting and struggling with mental health illnesses after their greatest achievements.

And we're like, what? How could they possibly do? They have gold medals. They have millions of dollars. Well, because they're not working toward anything that matters. It was working toward the gold medal, working to make that movie, going to auditions and pushing through the failure and having this goal that you set for yourself, working on it is what gives your life meaning. And that's why I wanted to start this series of life changing episodes of the Mel Robbins podcast, the foundational stuff about how you create a better life with goal setting, because goal setting, from this point forward must be a part of your life if you want to feel a greater sense of purpose and meaning, period. And so I want you to come back to this episode. I want you to bookmark it. I want you to share this with people that you care about. If you've got somebody like I do, who's a college senior, and as they approach graduation and they start to feel like they're about to have a quarter life, Cris, and they're lost, you know what they need? They need goals. If you have a friend going through divorce, you know what they need?

They need goals. If you're bored in life or feeling stuck or you've got to hit the reinvention button. You know what you need? You need goals. And you can relisten to this every single corner at any moment in your life and walk yourself through this very simple but powerful and life changing research to get very clear about what you want and why you want it and how you're going to go achieve it. Now, speaking about the how, you want to know how habits are how you achieve goals, systems are how you make it easier. And so, coming up next in this life changing series, we're going to do a 101 on habits, what the science says about habits, the three components that make a new habit encode and stick in your brain. And we're also going to give you the research backed shortcuts that you can use to make new habits stick and to make that change. And the new habits that are going to help you achieve your goals, easier to implement in your life. That's what's coming next. But for now, I want you to remember the definition of the goal. A goal is anything that you desire that wouldn't otherwise happen without you doing something.

And what I want you to do next is I want you to take one step forward on that goal of yours. In fact, you know, one step you could do.

Share this episode so I promised you an exercise because step one is you have to get honest with yourself and claim what you want. That's step one. And so I'm going to tell you that. And I want you to think about your dream. I want you to think about what's calling you. I want you to think about the thing that would be so magical if you could make it happen. But you've been arguing against yourself, and I want you to allow yourself to claim it. And as you sit there and think about the dream in your own life, let's go back to Los Angeles. Let's go back to that stage and let's check in with Barbara because I'm going to ask her to start getting honest. And what I want you to pay attention to is I want you to pay attention to how much she starts to joke and make excuses and dismiss how serious I am about dreams.

Maybe you needed to move to South Florida to actually feel and understand in your soul who you are and what you want. It's a scary thing to admit what you want because it's true. It might not happen, right? Yeah. And I've come so close to it happening so many times and it hurts so much. It's all so scary. There's part of me is like, no, don't do that. But why is it scary? Because I don't want to go into debt and I want to be at least somewhere. So I thought, well, I have this, but here's what I want you to understand. You have not gotten honest with yourself about what you actually want. You're putting all the energy into, but I don't want to go into debt, but I don't want to do this. But I don't want to do that. So then you do that anyway.

Yes, that's the first step, honesty. And it's very sobering when you get honest, because for many of us, I mean, look at me. I spent eleven years making excuses for why I couldn't start a podcast. And all those excuses and the dancing around and oh, brushing it off, and I'm not really that serious about it.

It's painful.

Your dream isn't painful.

Like she's talking about how scared she.

Is that the dream's not going to turn out. What's actually painful is how much energy you're putting into avoiding what you want and what you deserve. And the three big ways that we extinguish that flame inside of us and we put distance between ourselves and the dreams that are meant for us is number one, we literally downplay them. Anytime you make a joke about your dream, anytime you're like, I'm not that serious about it, you are putting distance between you and your dream. You're taking a bucket of water and you're trying to extinguish the flame inside you. Anytime you make excuses, I don't have the money, I can't do it, I.

Don'T have the time.

Same thing, cold bucket of water on that flame. Stop doing it. And the third thing, when she really gets honest, when you have that moment of reckoning with yourself and you can claim what you want, it's terrifying.

It really is.

Because you allow yourself to feel desire. You allow yourself for just a second to feel possibility. Just imagine how incredible it would be you to do a stadium tour and sing your own songs. And when you allow yourself to entertain the fact that that's the dream that's meant for you, you allow yourself to stand close to that flame, you allow it to burn a little brighter, and then we get scared. What if it doesn't happen? And you convince yourself that your dream is scary and your dream isn't scary at all? Your excuses and your fear of it and your joking is what's scary. And so how do you keep this dream alive? And this is a really important exercise.

Particularly for those of you who say.

I don't know what I want, Mel. I don't know what my dream is. I have a very simple exercise that I have taught to hundreds of thousands of people. It's backed by science. And this is an exercise that is going to help you get back in touch with dreaming. See, I think part of the problem is that we've all gotten into this mode where we don't want to get our expectations up. So we put a lid on our own desires. We don't allow ourselves to want what we want. We don't allow ourselves to be in touch with the things that we really long for. And it's the fact that you won't even give yourself permission to dream that's also making you feel unworthy. And so how are we going to tap back into this dream inside you? How are we going to get your desires flowing freely? How are we going to get you to start to believe that you're worthy of the things that you long for?

I'll tell you how.

It's very simple. Every single morning you are going to.

Make a cup of coffee or tea.

And as part of your morning routine, you are simply going to write down five dreams a day. That's it. Five dreams a day. You are going to make it a habit to claim what you want, if only by writing it on a piece of paper. And having taught this to hundreds of thousands of people, I already know what your questions are going to be. Are they the same things I write down? Are they big things? Are they little things? Are they things that can happen?

What are they?

Mel, here's how you're going to do this. Do not overthink it. Sit down. You have a blank piece of paper, and just write down five things you want. It could be, I want that new Gucci handbag. And you might not be able to pay for groceries right now. It might be I want my puppy to stop pooping on the living room rug. It might be I want to be the number one podcast host in the world. It might be I want to do a stadium tour. I want to write a song that helps heal the world. I want to have a wonderful relationship with my mom, who I currently hate. Your dreams are yours. Do not judge them. Do not shrink them. This exercise is about clearing out the blockage and the gunk that has blocked the highway between your heart and your soul and what you will give yourself permission to want and desire in your life. Your self doubt, your feeling that you're not worthy, your excuses, your people pleasing it's all blocking your access to this longing, to this dream within you. And so we got to just get the gears turning.

We got to get these. I don't even know what you call it, but this is a way to grease the gears and get you free flowing. Why shouldn't you do a stadium tour? Why shouldn't you have that new Gucci handbag? If that's what you want, you can.

Certainly do the work to get it.

Why shouldn't you be happy or healthy or heal your cancer? These dreams are there for a reason. We got to get them out of your head, where you bury them with excuses, and we got to get them into the world in real time, where you can see them on a piece of paper. Now, reason number one why you're going to do this, five dreams a day. They can be the same dreams. They can be different dreams. They can be big dreams. They can be little dreams. They can be thematic. They can be specific stuff. They can be anything you want. We just need to get your dreams and your desires flowing freely without you putting the lid on invalidating or arguing against them. So, there's a second reason why this exercise is so effective, and it has to do with something called the zygarnic effect. Now, the zygarnic effect is an extraordinarily well documented effect in your brain that was first discovered by a lithuanian psychologist named Bluma Zygarnic. And she had her first study published about psychology and this theory in 1927. So this has been around for a long time. And what is the zygarnic effect?

Well, the zygarnic effect is this. Inside of your brain, there is a mental checklist function. And whenever something is important to you, your brain is like, oh, ding, ding, ding. I guess she wants to do a stadium tour. Oh, ding, ding, ding. I guess she wants to get her cholesterol down. Whenever something is important to you, your brain takes notice. It opens up a mental checklist, and then your brain has this really interesting function where it will now work with you to help remind you of this thing that's important to do. It's like a little to do list in your brain. And the zygarnic effect is once your brain knows something is important and it's important, if you keep writing it down, your brain is going to go to work trying to help you get it done. And the zygarnic effect is so pronounced.

That it is used.

Everybody in software design.

Yep.

You know how they talk about gamification? You know how you got to fill out a form, and then all of a sudden, a little reminder pops up that likes you're 64% complete. Well, that's the zygarnic effect. That's this mental checklist thing saying, you're not done yet. You got a little bit more to go. And so this is so effective. And so again, I'm going to summarize this, and I'm also going to help you. If you go to melrobbins.com dreambig, melrobins.com dreambig, I got a free download for you. Not only are we going to give you some of the key takeaways from.

This episode, but we're going to give.

You prompts so that you can print out this free sheet and use it every single morning to write down your five dreams, to tap into the zygarnic effect inside your brain, to help you keep those dreams alive, and to help you start letting your desires and your worthiness flow freely through you. Okay, so we've covered a couple of.

Key topics so far.

Your dreams are not a joke. They matter. You got to claim them. This exercise of writing down five things you want every single morning is going to tap into that superhighway, and it's going to help you build the neuropathways to give yourself permission to want things. It's going to help you tap into this flame inside you that is burning and that is begging for you to.

Let it help you after doing something so extraordinary. And you also have made a huge difference in women's lives around the world.

Because you are extraordinarily philanthropic.

$40 million worth of product and monetary donations to people that are struggling with.

Cancer and what is next for you. Because you are right now in the.

Middle of figuring out on this next.

Leg of the journey called life what your purpose is and what your next thing is going to be. What tools are you using or how.

Are you thinking about it?

And it's really important topic because so.

Many people, particularly after the last three.

Years, have had a profound life change thrust on them. Yes.

And they're looking ahead at an open.

Road, wondering what their purpose is going.

To be, what they're going to do.

Can you just speak to that person for a minute about how you're going about figuring it out?

Yeah. So one thing I just want to remind everyone, too, Mel, because I think people put so much pressure on themselves that their purpose has to be their job or their next job. And a lot of times we can be doing a job that's fine. And maybe for family reasons. We need that health coverage, and we need that paycheck. And your purpose can be found in the things you do outside of that.

Right.

There's a lot of ways to listen to that knowing and your gut. And then when it feels right, you know, that's aligned with who you're born to be and how you're born to show up in the world. And so, for me right now, there's that famous saying, just because you can.

Should you.

Right. There's a big part of me now with all these, could I go launch a bunch of businesses? Yes. Right. And what I feel drawn to is literally because here's the deal. Yes, I've built a billion dollar business. Yes. I have other companies I invest in.

You also are married, and you have two beautiful children.

Yes.

And you're incredibly devoted to your family.

Well, and here's the thing, is, that's all part of my story. But when I look at my real story, meaning the part that ties deeply to my purpose, my real story is a girl who went from not believing in herself to learning how to. And so when I wake up in the morning and I think about the things I've done so far, the things I hope for my kids for, and how I built a billion dollar business, it was really through seeing women, helping them see themselves and believe in themselves and believe they are worthy and enough. And that's what fires me up every morning. So when I think about what I'm stepping into Next, I wrote believe it, which is about my book, about how to go from underestimated to unstoppable. Donated all the proceeds. I'm donating all the proceeds from 100%. I funded leadership.

Hold on, hold on.

Let's just underscore that.

So, she writes a New York Times.

Bestseller, donates all the proceeds from the book. Yeah.

To nonprofits.

Just donates them. Yeah.

And the book is just.

It's incredible.

Thank you.

It's like a little manual that you.

Should have on your bedside table, because.

Jamie will be smiling at you, and.

You'Ll see that you're not alone, that we're in this together. And her example of learning how to.

Go from doubting herself to believing in herself is the journey that each and.

Every one of us is on.

Yeah.

And so you're kind of in this soup of knowing that this is the.

Area where you want to focus the impact, but you're not being a very.

Good friend of yours.

I know that it's still a fuzzy target, so to speak, as our friend Dean would say.

It's a fuzzy target.

If somebody kind of has a sense that there's something more, but they don't quite have their.

They haven't had that aha. Moment yet that you had almost 14 years ago sitting on that television set.

I'm going to make makeup and I'm going to bring real women in. I'm going to show my skin, and I'm going to solve this problem. I'm going to make people think that they're beautiful because they are beautiful no matter what their body.

And you did it. You did it. But if you're in the soup and you don't have the vision yet, is.

There an exercise or something that you.

Would recommend that we all do while.

We'Re waiting for that clarity and that epiphany to strike?

Yeah. Two things. One, waiting for it to be perfect can be the lowest vibration, biggest excuse. Number one reason why people just never try and never get started. So I think it's rare to ever have complete clarity. Like, this is exactly perfect for it. And that's why I think two things. I think just taking a step and seeing how it feels is good. Tuning into your knowing. I also. So. So you mentioned our friend Dean, who was saying at the fuzzy target, he was saying something to me recently about almost like when you're about to aim a bow and arrow and you're about to let go of the arrow, he's like, you can aim and turn it and twist it a few times before you let go of the arrow. It's okay to wait a little bit and just make sure you're going to aim at the right. So this year, for example, I've kind of been doing that. I've been saying, how do things feel? I have the gift and blessing of being here with you right now.

How does this feel?

Feels amazing.

So does this mean you're going to do a talk show?

Maybe you could teach me all the ropes, Mel. And then Gabbard.

I am a failed talk show host.

Okay.

That is true. My talk show got canceled.

Why?

Because I can tell you why.

Go ahead.

Well, I was going to apply the lessons from professor purpose, but I'd like to hear you tell me why I.

Think our steps are ordered. Why? I think because you are going to own all of what you're doing and make it so much bigger than anyone else who owned it could have made it. So by that definition, I think you're the most successful talk show host. That's the first thing, at least in the podcast. But no, I think it's all going to be the same. I think a show is a show, you know what I mean? The world's changing so rapidly. And I love, too, that you can do this show on your terms. Right? You can do it on your terms. And that's why it is so huge, because it's on your terms.

Well, like you. And maybe this is one of the.

Reasons why we have become such dear.

Friends in such a short period of time. And I often say on the show.

That I truly believe that the best.

Years of your life and the best friendships that you'll have are on the road ahead. But a lot of the reason why we connected so profoundly, even though we.

Are different in many, many ways, is that it goes back to the Denny's waitress.

Like, at my core, I am still.

The waitress making money waiting tables at.

The Red Rooster Tavern on scenic Drive.

In north Muskegon, Michigan, same as you.

Stalling because the fryer has now broken and the fried perch is not coming out. And I'm talking to the tourists from.

Chicago, and I'm treating everybody kindly. And I know that all I want to do is impact people's lives that are just got their head down and.

They don't feel very seen or heard. And I want to make them know that they have it within them to tap into this incredible power inside them.

To create whatever they want in life.

Yes.

And it starts with believing that you can and having somebody like you on who has demonstrated that is really important.

For people to hear.

You know, on that topic of friendship, I love so much that you are the friend that people need to your audience. And what I mean by that, and I'm honored to be the friend for this episode with you to everyone. And what I mean by that, Mel, is I think you and I love each other for who we authentically are. The Denny's waitress, the red rooster. Right. And we also are friends that help pull each other into who we're becoming.

Yes.

And I think so often. And that's why I love and your show also, as you know, of course. But I just want to call it out that your show can be this for people who feel like, how do I find those friends that help pull me into my future? Because so often the people around us, while they might mean really, really well and love us dearly, pull us into our past or for their own comfort zone, want us to stay the person we were or are. And it's so important because we're talking about purpose, to try and add friends to your circle who truly want the best for you. Not just what they think is the best for them in you, but want the best for you. And you do that for me. I do that for you. This show, your show, I know, does that for people as well. And so honored to be part of that.

Thank you.

I want to just highlight one final thing and then I have a surprise to tell you.

Listening to us right now.

Yes, we have a surprise for you. It's really exciting with professor purpose over here, and I'm having like a menopause.

Moment where the drawbridge is open in.

My brain and now the drawbridge is.

Not closing and connecting the dots on this profound thing that I wanted to say. So let me see if I can.

Everything you say order this?

Hardly. Hardly. But I appreciate you saying that.

I think one of the things that I've learned, and it took me a.

Long time to learn this, is that there is so much success and happiness to go around.

And when you lift other people up and you reach out for help, that.

Your success comes faster and it's richer, both emotionally and in terms of monetarily.

And I just remembered what I wanted to say.

And it's this.

And it goes back to purpose.

It goes back to that knowing and staying connected to your intention and this unique thing that you have to give to the world. It is not only your responsibility in.

Life to stay connected to your knowing.

It is your responsibility to advocate for.

It, because only you have seen it in your heart and mind. Of course your family says no. They don't even know what you're talking about because they only know the person.

That you've been in the past.

Of course the investor is going to say no. Why? Because they only know what they know. Your knowing is yours and you have to stay connected to it.

And you have to keep describing it or advocating for it or explaining it.

To people so that they can see it, too.

And it's not until you demonstrate what you see in your own heart and.

Mind by continuing to walk toward it.

Continuing to talk about it, continuing to.

Believe in it, that it will become a reality. And that's why people say no, because it's your knowing, not theirs.

And so in a weird way, a ton of no's or a lot of friction or bumping up against things as you're trying, and you can't understand, why don't people get this? Why isn't this working? It's because it's your knowing, not theirs.

Yeah. Amazing.

Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, by God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe. Bye.