If you feel overwhelmed, if you feel like the world is coming at you, if you feel like you're spinning a million plates and juggling a million things right now, and you're starting to get concerned because you're dropping balls and you can't figure out what you should focus on first, this video is for you. I woke up today totally overwhelmed. I got really emotional on a team call because I feel like I'm dropping a million balls right now. This morning, there were a bunch of emails that people had sent me, Hey, did you forget about this? Hey, could you get back to me on this? I got a couple of text messages from very close friends of mine that I had promised blurbs to for their books, and I said I would do it. I didn't do it because I'm not organized right now. I'm just dropping balls. I'm overwhelmed. My husband, Chris, came into the kitchen where I'm working at that table back there and had everything spread out, just stuff everywhere. He sat down with a piece of paper, and he forced me to spend an hour with him basically doing what I call a brain dump, where you dump everything out on paper.

But this particular brain dump had a unique structure to it. I want to share it with you because I want you to partner up with somebody in person or virtual and do this for each other. So he took out a blank piece of paper. He had me open up my email and my calendar and go email by email by email and walk him through one project at a time, what needed to get done. And then he would ask me follow-up questions. And when would you need to start that? And what help do you need with this? And is there anything else? And what else needs to happen? And he just wrote everything down. As we kept going, if there was anything on the list that could be done in a minute, send an email, quickly make the phone call. We just knocked it off. And then we kept going. And as I would bring a sense of urgency to some task, he would say, Well, wait a minute. Is this actually a priority today, or can we schedule it for tomorrow? Is this a priority that we could do for next week? Having an objective third party write it all down for you, ask you these questions, it was liberating.

Absolutely liberating, because half the stuff I've been panicked about, I don't even need to work on until Monday. What happens when things start to stack up is everything starts to feel urgent. And because you're the one that's starting to feel buried alive underneath all this stuff, it's very, very hard for you to be objective about getting yourself organized again. But having an objective third party there, game-changing. Actually, let's go talk to Chris. Let's talk to Chris and see. Chris, can I ask you a question? He's probably annoyed. I was just talking about how transformative that was that you did with me. Do you see this list that he's got right there? What would you recommend if other people were doing it? I just said you got to show up with a blank piece of paper. You asked the other person to go, Well, why don't you tell us the steps? Can you tell us the steps that you just did with me? The only thing I didn't have other than a pad of paper and a pen was handcuffs. That would have been- Why? Would you say that? I think what it... Other than a pad of paper and a pen, it took extreme discipline to just listen and wait and listen and wait, be patient and listen, and just keep trying to keep you on task from email to email just so that you can get it out.

I don't know. I don't relate to it like rocket science. The hardest part is actually just sitting down with somebody asking for help. Yeah, and putting up with whatever they need to do or process or be anxious about, and bite your lip and just keep going. I'm glad you found it helpful. Extremely helpful. Such that you're now- Making a video. -relaxed. I know it's not on the list of things I was supposed to do today, but I was just inspired because it was incredibly helpful to have some objective person help me get out of the spinning analysis paralysis that I was in around feeling overwhelmed by everything that I need to do. Well, that's also half the battle with you and I, because I'm not sure you always perceive me to be the objective party. Because I have- This is getting into marriage counseling now, so I think we're going to end the video right now. Okay, goodbye, everybody. Just get a partner and get a blank pad of paper and you listen for your friend or loved one, write everything down, ask lots of questions, bite your lip, be patient. Have them get it out, get it out, get it out.

Help them stay focused and then swap and do the same. There you have it. Let us know if it helps you stop feeling paralyzed and overwhelmed. Now let's go to Samantha's question, who has a bit of overwhelm about prioritizing tasks on her to-do list. Hi, Mel. It's Samantha. My question is, how do you prioritize everything in daily life without stress and anxiety taking over? I find myself overwhelmed thinking about everything I need to do throughout the day and then throw in extra appointments and tasks on top of that. It, and then I end up pushing it off in hopes that I get it done the next day. I'm just looking for that happy balance. Yes, Samantha. I hear you. You have what I call lifestyle overwhelm. And this involves a lie that we all tell ourselves that leads to a lot of overwhelm. And the lie is everything is important. And here's what I want you to understand. If everything is important, nothing is important. All those things that you have on your to-do list do not have equal weight. And so here's what I want you to do. You're going to go from being stressed out all the time because you're giving equal weight to everything to having a more strategic way of approaching your day to day life and the things that you need to get done.

And so the tool that I'm going to give you is something that I use all the time. I call it a brain dump, okay? It's so simple. It costs you nothing. You can do it several times a day. Anybody can use this. And here's what you're going to do. You're going to take out a blank piece of paper. I don't care if it's lined, or it's printer paper, or it's the flip side of a bill that you just paid. And you're going to take that piece of paper and you are going to vomit everything on that paper that is in your brain. Absolutely everything. Okay? And you can just dump it all out there. And if you want to get fancy pants with this, you can draw a line down the center of the paper, and you can write important stuff on the left. And shit I can do later on the right. Okay? But you don't even need to do that. I'm just adding that in there because I know a lot of our listeners are very, very, very like, I like to keep things organized. No problem. You can add a little pizaz to your brain dump.

I personally, I'm so scatterbrained with the ADHD that I just need a blank piece of paper, and I just dump it all down there. And so let me think about today what would be on my list. Oh, packing for Boston, calling my daughter to remind her that dinner's at 7:30, I got to check in for the plane ticket. I got to make sure that... Oh, I haven't even looked at the weather yet, so I don't even know what to pack for Boston. I don't know what it's going to be like in New York when we land there Saturday to support another friend who's doing this concert. Oh, I didn't even pick up my ADHD prescription yet, and I need to get that on the way out of town. And so you can see that just like you, I suffer from not only legitimate overwhelm right now, but I also have a case of lifestyle overwhelm that I overwhelm myself because I manage all this crap on my head. So you feel a sense of lifestyle overwhelm, brain dump everybody. Get it out of your head and get it done on a piece of paper. Because when you can get it done on a piece of paper, you can be more strategic about creating a system to get it done.

And it feels so good to do this. When you're managing all this stuff in your head, this is why going for a walk with a friend is so therapeutic. Not only are you outside, but as you're walking and talking, you know what you're doing? You're brain dumping. You're getting all that stuff that you've been ruminating about out into the air. And when you get it out on a piece of paper by doing a brain dump, just pour it all out there. That's what you need to do. I was about to tell you 15 other things that just came to mind, because what starts happening when you do a brain dump is it's like pulling a thread on a sweater. That sucker just keeps on going. So don't be surprised if there are some days that you fill three pages. So now what do you do now that you've dumped it all out on a piece of paper, you're going to take a highlighting. And you're going to highlight the three things that you must do today. These are your priority. This is what's important. So what are the three things I need to do today?

I need to pick up my prescription. I need to pack for Boston, and I need to work on this eulogy. Those are the only three things that matter. And you want to know something fascinating about life. Is that if you just can dump everything out and you can highlight the three things that really matter that you get to them today. If there's an emergency or if something else is a true priority, have you ever noticed it gets your attention anyway? If one of your kids is sick or a friend needs you, they call. If you have to fill up the tank of gas, you'll realize when you get in the car and it's on empty like mine often is because my son borrows the car and never fills the car back up. If you realize you've run out of milk, you'll realize it when you open up the fridge and you'll deal with it. But it's not really that important. It's not life or death. It's not a big thing. You need to pick the three things that are the actual priority. So lifestyle overwhelm, brain dump, highlight the three things that actually matter, and that's how you beat that lie that everything's important.

Because when everything's important, nothing is. And you get to say what's important. So pick those things. All right, our next question is from Cindy. And Cindy's overwhelm comes from the fact that she says yes to everything. I can't wait for you to hear the lie she's telling herself because I think you're going to relate to this one too. Hi, Mel, this is Cindy. Do you have a strategy for not overcommitting for daily tasks? It sounds so ridiculous when I type it out, but it really is destructive and sparks feelings of failure when I cannot accomplish all I believe I should be able to handle in a single day. Thanks so much. Oh, Cindy, I love you. Cindy, I relate to you too. You have a case of lifestyle overwhelm. You have perfectionism, and you also put a ton of pressure on yourself. And there's this huge lie that we, overachievers tell ourselves. You want to hear it? There's so much more I should be doing. Everybody's doing more than me. I should be doing more. I need to do more. Here's the truth. You need to do what needs to get done, and the rest does not matter.

And so here is the rule that we're going to build upon. Imagine that you do the brain dump. Your problem is you highlight everything that you just dumped on a piece of paper. I'm going to give you this tool. It's called the Rule of Three. There are only three things that actually matter. I often say to myself, when I start getting a case of lifestyle overwhelm, when I'm trying to add things to the to-do list, when I'm putting pressure on myself to do more, when I feel weird that I'm done with what needed to get done, and now I don't know what to do with myself, so I feel like I should do more, Mel, it doesn't fucking matter. It doesn't matter. I'll give you an example. This happened to me last night. So last night, I was scurrying around with a case of lifestyle overwhelm because I'm trying to get through my to-do list. And I'm realizing, oh, my God, I don't have any clean underwear for this fricking trip, so I've got to do laundry before I have to pack, which, of course, only makes me feel more overwhelmed. So I grab the basket of laundry, I tromp, tromp, tromp up the stairs.

And as I'm climbing up the stairs to the second floor of our house here in Southern Vermont, I look up and all of the walls in the upstairs hallway are blank. They have a brand new coat of paint on them, but there ain't nothing hanging on these walls. And I immediately feel this wave of overwhelm come over me because I don't have any pictures of our family in our new house. I've always envisioned that we will do a family picture wall on these three walls. I start to think, oh, my God, wait, are we going to do pictures that are black and white with black frames, or should we do those blow up things that wrap the canvas around the things that are like an inch thing, and they're colorful. And do I do them different sizes? I start to feel completely overwhelmed. And then I start to beat myself up for the fact that I haven't done this, that I don't have any pictures identified, that I also let my Butterfly account go because they just moved to a whole thing where now you have to pay in order to have your pictures stored there.

And I have all my old pictures on Butterfly. And now I'm beating myself up about that. And so now here I am with a load of laundry. I have put the basket down. I didn't even realize I did. And I'm looking at all three walls, having a panic attack about these freaking pictures and this project that doesn't fucking matter. There. Pick three things. Three things, Mel. The rule of three. The only thing that matters is getting the stamp laundry done so that you have underwear to wear while you are delivering a eulogy. And you need to... I don't remember what the third thing was yesterday, but I think I got it done. It doesn't fucking matter, Mel. So don't get overwhelmed about what the third thing was yesterday. You know what the three things are today. You got to work on the eulogy. You got to pack for Boston. And what was the third thing? Oh, yeah, I got to pick up my medicine. Thank you, Amy. See, I don't even know. Lifestyle, overwhelm. I have legitimate overwhelm, which means I know that the dial is cranked up right now. And so I also know I need to give myself a little bit of a break that I am going to be in this state of feeling amped up until I get through this eulogy.

That's just the legitimate overwhelm that I'm feeling. But I don't need to add on top of that a dose of lifestyle overwhelm by obsessing over a picture wall that I have not done anything about in six months of living here. Six months. Okay, so that's it. That's it. Okay? And the same is true for you. Lower the pressure. Lower the pressure. And for those of us that have trouble sitting still or relaxing, you've got to be really careful about lifestyle overwhelm because it will rob you of your ability to be present. It will rob you of just being able to sit down and read a book, or go out into your garden and weed, or pick up a phone and make a date to go meet a friend for coffee. And that's how this creeps into your whole life, this lie that you say that you've got to be doing more. No, you don't. The whole point of this is to enjoy your life and catching yourself when you get a case of lifestyle overwhelm and reminding yourself of the rule of three, that will help you lower the pressure, focus on what matters, and create more time to just chill and enjoy your life.

Okay? So Lila is up next. And I love this because she listened to the episode we recently did that you guys loved. Holy cow, it was one of the most shared episodes on Spotify. I'm so glad you got a lot out of it. And a lot of you responded to the fact that I connected your habit of procrastinating to the fight-or-flight response that we have when we get stressed out. You know how when you get stressed, you have that fight, flight, or freeze? Procrastination is a form of freezing. And so that episode is procrastination, the only way to stop procrastination based on research. Again, we will link to it in the show notes. And Lila had a follow-up question on that, and here it is. Mel, this is a huge thank you. I'm an artist, and also I procrastinate, and I get stressed, freeze, and then end up doing nothing. I heard what you said on the procrastination episode, and I think wearing the stress backpack is super heavy right now, and I plan to shed it today. I need to manage my time better. So now I need to figure out how to get back to my easel and start painting.

I can't wait for your next episode. Thanks so much. Lila. Hey, it's Mel. And I just want to talk to you since you're watching this on YouTube. First of all, thank you for being a fan of the Mel Robbins Podcast. You have made us one of the top ranking podcasts in the entire world. Please make sure you subscribe to the YouTube channel because it's your support that allows our team to bring this to you at zero cost. And so that's really important. And I don't want you watching this on YouTube while you're driving a car. Will you take me with you by subscribing to the Mel Robbins podcast on your favorite podcast platform? Apple, Spotify, Amazon Music, Stitcher. You can listen on Audible. Anywhere that you listen to podcasts, please subscribe to the Mel Robins show. It really matters for a growing show like ours and allows us to continue to bring you all this great stuff at zero cost. Okay, let's go back to the show. Lila, I'm so happy you're on our walk today with me and that you shared that because procrastination is a form of lifestyle overwhelm. And in case you haven't listened to that episode yet as you're taking this walk with us, when Lila said stress backpack, she's using a term that I used in that episode to basically say all those things that are going on in your life, the things that are causing you stress, whether it's conscious or subconscious, you literally carry it around with you as if all that stress is in a backpack.

Joni, my friend who was caring for her mom, backpack of stress, everybody that you've heard on our walk today, the demands of their life, the pressure that they're putting on themselves, all of that is a stress backpack, and you have one, too. And what happens when you feel really stressed out is you can start to freeze. And then what happens when you freeze, and you push things off, and you procrastinate, you get stuck in lifestyle overwhelm. You're in this vicious cycle of pushing things off and then beating yourself up and then feeling overwhelmed because you're pushing things off that you really want to get to. And so what is the tool here? Because there's a huge lie that you tell yourself when you procrastinate, okay? And I can hear it. And the lie that we tell ourselves is I can handle this all in my head that if I think about it, I'm working on it. Not true. Not true. It's one of the reasons why I use that tool of a brain dump all the time to get it out of my head, to not manage it in my head, because if it spins in my head, it turns into rumination and nothing gets done.

Just like those blank walls, those pictures are not getting done by me spinning thoughts about it. And so the real thing I want you to understand is that if it truly matters, you have to schedule it. Things that matter end up in your calendar. One tool that I want you to use, Lila, is ask yourself this. This is a journaling prompt that you can use everybody that I just love. How can I make this easy? How can I make this easy? What's the simplest way that you can make it easier to paint? And for me, I'm going to share with you. I have to do the things that are important first thing in the morning. It's not that I'm not an evening person, it's that by the end of the day, I am so wiped out and just gassed. I don't have the stamina or the willpower or the energy to force myself to do things that require energy. David Goggins, who I just love, he has this alter ego, Goggins. Goggins pushes himself and has the mental discipline. And I freaking love that. But I don't want to set up my life so that every night I've saved the thing that really brings me joy.

I have to like, summon up what what what what researchers call, we've talked about this in other episodes. It's called activation energy. Chick me, Sent Me High, who's a famous psychologist from the University of Chicago, studied motivation and flow states extensively and realize that this resistance that we feel to doing things that we've put off, that requires activation energy and getting out of bed, pushing yourself to paint. For me, it's exercise. And if I put off exercise till the evening, it's not happening. It takes me a hundred times more energy to drag my ass to that peloton treadmill at night than it does to drag my ass to that Peloton treadmill in the morning. And so ask yourself, how can I make this easy? Maybe you need to do it at night. Maybe that is easier for you. Maybe you need to do it in the morning. Maybe it's the weekend. Or maybe you need to, if you can afford it, you need the structure of a painting class. One of the ways that I jump started exercising, and I realize not everybody can afford this, but one of the ways I jump started exercising was to start taking classes again, because I would pay for it.

And then I was motivated to go. And I knew once I got there, I could outsource the motivation to the instructor that would be yelling at me. Maybe you need a friend to do this with you, or you need somebody that's going to be your accountability partner and be really annoying on Saturday morning and text you and be like, hey, did you paint yet? I'm not meeting you for a walk until you did. And you can trade that thing. I think a lot of you know, for example, that I do a lot of the ice baths where you climb into a really cold barrel of water, or you jump into an icy pond, or river up here in Vermont, or you take a cold shower. Do you know how I make it easy? I do it with Chris, my husband. Chris is like living with a monk. The dude is so stoic. He just climbs right in there. No big deal. He shames me into doing it. That's how I make it easier. He goes in first. Now I'm like, Oh, God, now I got to do it. But if I have to do it myself, it's hard.

And so that's what I want you to understand. Procrastination creates overwhelm, and chronic procrastination creates a vicious cycle that becomes lifestyle overwhelm. And so understand that, and that's huge that you understand that. And then the second thing I want you to do is remember, get it out of your head, don't manage it there. It's got to get scheduled in real time, and then ask yourself, How can I make this easy? Because you can't. And there's no reason why the things that you need to do have to feel so hard. And the reason why they feel so hard, everybody, is because we're not taking the time to go, first of all, am I in a lifestyle-overwhelmed situation, where I need to be kinder to myself, and I need to have more compassion for myself, and I need to keep reminding myself that this is a marathon and I need a little bit of stamina and I'm not going to be able to get to everything. I remember when I was doing the talk show, I had this experience where most of my team came from Oprah Winfrey's talk show and from her organization. And so I was surrounded by all these people that were super, super experienced.

And my executive producer arranged for me to talk to a really, really famous talk show host whose show is no longer on the air. And this guy spent a couple hour or spent like an hour talking to me, and I'll never forget what he told me. He said, Mel, being a daytime talk show host, doing 175 shows in six months, this is a marathon. He said, The most important thing that you could do is protect your stamina and be kind and patient with yourself. And you're not going to be able to live your normal life. You're not going to be able to go out to dinner with friends. Because if you tape three shows in a row at CBS Broadcast Center four days a week, you are not going to have energy. And by the way, you can't afford to get sick because the show must go on. And so right now, tell your family and your friends that you love them, but you are about to go into a bunker right now and you are about to focus on this. And then when you come up for air, you will be able to focus on having fun again and being with everyone else.

And I think there are times in your life like that. Maybe you're studying for a dissertation. Maybe you are in the middle of applying to medical school. Maybe you're going through a divorce or you've lost somebody that you love and you're grieving. That is a moment of legitimate overwhelm. And the best thing that you could do is identify it, call it out for what it is, and be kinder to yourself and remind yourself that if you are, you'll have the stamina to move through this, and you will move through this. And there will be a time in your life where you will not feel this way. But for now, it's about putting yourself first. And for those of us that are also struggling with lifestyle overwhelm, it's okay. You now know. And now you have free, proven research back tools that you can use. You got your brain dump. You got your rule of three. Remember, it doesn't fucking matter. You can do the photos later. Nobody cares but you. And make it easier. Make it easier. That's it. And this stuff is so powerful. It works so quickly. You don't realize how quickly you could break out of overwhelm because like me, you've probably been stuck in this vicious cycle for so long that it's just the air you breathe.

But there is something so much better that's available to you. You can create a better life. And that's why I wanted you to hear from a listener named Michelle Last, and pay attention to the joy and the lightness in her voice. I wanted to invite Michelle on this walk with us because I want you to know that this is available to you when you finally take back control and you stop letting overwhelm run your life. Holy shit, Mel. I just listened to your podcast on procrastination, and it changed everything. You're the first person I've heard talk about money anxiety. Oh, my God. In a way that resonated with me. And you know what? I paid a credit card bill today that was six months late. I was in freeze mode. And when you said that on the podcast, I burst out crying. I mean, it was like a gut punch, and you thawed me. I paid that damn bill this morning, and all of a sudden I realized I have more time on my hands. I was sitting there wondering what I was supposed to do. I had energetic time because I'd been thinking about this bill for six months.

I've been torturing myself and holding myself back from my greatness. It's like 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. I mean, what if it doesn't have to be hard? What if I can do the damn thing? Thank you so much, Mel. I'm really forever grateful. Michelle, I'm forever grateful. And I'm really proud of you. And the thing I want to really highlight, because I can hear the energetic freedom. I can hear how light you are. And what I want to point out is until you do the damn thing, you don't realize how much thinking about something and avoiding it and feeling overwhelmed by it, how much it's robbing you of energy. I relate to that because I feel that way about that damn picture wall. And I've gone through periods of my life where I didn't pay my bills because I couldn't pay my bills. But I thought about my bills all the damn time. Overwhelm is torture. Feeling like you're stuck in a vicious cycle where you got to do more, or you got to move faster, or you got to put this... It's just pressure, and it's keeping you stuck there. And so now you know the truth.

You can focus. You can prioritize. You can use the rule of three and just focus on doing the important things. Not everything is important. And when you stop acting as if it is, you will able to get done what needs to get done. See, overwhelm goes away the minute you start to take control. And that usually happens honestly with a simple pen and a blank piece of paper. That's it. Do the brain dump. Pick three things. Tell yourself, that doesn't fucking matter today. Remind yourself that anything that is an emergency bubbles its way to the top. And always ask yourself, How can I make this easier? How can I take the pressure off? How can I do the damn thing? And just pick one of those three and get started. Five, four, three, two, one, pay that bill, make that call, write that next paragraph, roll out that yoga mat, pick up that guitar, or for me, write that eulogy. And then on the plane ride home, log in to Shutterfly and see if you can find all of those photos that used to be stored there. Do what you've been avoiding. Follow the rule of three and give yourself a fucking break if you're feeling legitimate overwhelm, because it will be over.

But you have a choice over whether or not it's your lifestyle anymore. And for crying out loud, stop telling yourself those four lies. No, you can't handle it in your head. No, rushing won't make you fit it all in. And no, everything's not of equal importance. And no, you don't need to do more. In fact, you need to do a lot less. You just need to do the things that really matter to you. And when you do that, you, my friend, are going to get your life and all of that energetic time back. And I so want that for you. I feel better. I hope you feel better. I wish you were here so I could give you a hug. After a great walk with a friend, you give each other a hug. You're like, okay, when are we doing this again? We're doing this? Yeah. You know when we're doing this again? We're doing this on Thursday. And between now and then, I want to make sure I tell you I love you. I believe in you. And I believe in your ability. To really focus on what matters to you and go create a better life for yourself.

Yes. What's your name? Delaney. Hi, Delaney. Hi. I wanted to start off by saying I listened to your segment with Alex to those feeling lost in your 20s. Oh, yeah. She's talking about call her daddy. You can't call me out like that at work. Yes, you can. Girl, that is the number one female-hosted podcast in the world. Yeah. But I wanted to say, you said earlier in terms of the five-second rule, the easiest part is knowing what you need to do. I feel like I've been a little overwhelmed lately. What would you say are the biggest piece of advice when you don't know what you need to do before you save five seconds? Are you talking about work or are you talking about life in general? I think all of the above, right? Okay, great question. How many can relate to this? Excellent. Okay, so when it comes to work, a really great habit to get into, especially as you all are making this big turn, is try to have a quick alignment meeting with the person you report to every Monday, and just go over what's on your plate and recheck in about what are the strategic objectives for this week so that you're aligned with what the person who you're reporting to.

Because I'll give everybody the super simple secret other than visibility for being a rock star at work. Make your boss's life easier. Literally. You make the person that you report to's life is easier because you're getting stuff done and you're solving problems, and here's the most important thing, you're communicating about what's getting done. You literally are a superstar because your boss is just as overwhelmed as you are. And so if you just touch base, even if you can't get a meeting and you send the 17 things on your plate and you say, I'm a little overwhelmed, I just want to make sure that I know what the priority is this week because it is changing all the time because they're responding as much as you are. That's number one. Number two, at the end of the week on Fridays, send a short email saying, This got done, this got done, this got done, this got done, this got done, this got done. Here are the things I'm going to need your help with on Monday. You keep somebody in the loop like that, they will help you create rails that keep you very focused and feeling more sure about what you're working on, okay?

So that's number one, ask for help. Do not try to figure that out on your own. Number two, when it comes to feeling lost in life and overwhelmed in life, always go back to your morning routine. Always go back to your morning routine. And there are two rules that I have for my morning routine. Everybody hates them. Nobody follows them. It changes your life. Number one, do not sleep with your phone. Do not sleep with your phone. And the reason why I say do not sleep with your phone is because we're all addicted to it. If you were addicted to cocaine or alcohol, you wouldn't put it on your bedside table. But you literally go to bed and then before you're even out of bed, you're literally doing this. You're like, Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. If you're laying in bed reading work emails or looking at Facebook, you literally just let your boss, sorry, Tia, and all of your friends on Facebook walk in your bedroom. More importantly, you let the world hijack your mind. So before you're even vertical, you are stressed out, overwhelmed. That one change, which you're not going to want to do, will solve the problem of overwhelm.

Here's what I do. I plug my phone into the bathroom every night because it solves two problems. Number one, when that alarm goes off, now I'm really screwed because it's not next to me, so I have to get out of bed. Number two, the phone is not there. So as I wake up and I walk to the bathroom, I'm so mad at myself. But by the time I get to the bathroom, I'm now awake enough that I can turn the alarm off and flip the phone over. I don't pick it up. I don't do it. Even if I post things in the morning, I do that after I take 30 minutes for myself. What do I do in those 30 minutes? Well, I do all the stuff that you know that makes you feel better. I literally journal for a second. I move my body. This is a life-changer. If you literally just work out for 10 minutes in the morning, it can be enough. I eat something healthy, I have a cup of coffee, I set my intention for the day, I think about the one thing I want to make progress on, and only then do I then pick up that phone.

Then I let the world in. By getting myself right with myself and setting myself up and giving myself 30 lousy freaking minutes to start the day, to clear my head, to think about what I want out of the day, to take care of myself just a little bit, now I'm in a better place. Now I'm able to do it. And then there's one more exercise that's a spin on the person you want to be. My daughter is 23 and had a really rough time with COVID. The last two years of... And the first two years of college imploded because of COVID. And she left college basically depressed, really unhealthy, drinking way too much, and she had a meltdown. And so she said, I sat down with her and my husband and we just were talking with her. And I said, Here's what I want you to do. If you ever feel overwhelmed or lost, I want you to draw a line down the center of a paper, and I want you to think back. When was a moment in my life where I felt happy and I felt like I was happy about where my life was headed?

And so my daughter said, Senior, you're in high school. I said, Great. What were you doing then? What was life like then? She's like, Well, I was getting up early. I was going to school. I saw my friends every day. I was playing lacrosse, so I exercised six days a week. I was only drinking two nights a week. I had something to look forward to. I'm like, Great. Now let's write down what your life looks like right now. I'm sleeping till noon. My friends have all left and started their lives. I drink every day. I'm not exercising. I'm like, Great. Compare the lists. You are wired for happiness. You're wired for clarity. You are wired for success. It's why you miss it when you don't have it. You can only miss something you know. The answers are in there. Like we've said with a lot of the things, even though it's overwhelming, there are simple ways that you can solve this. Go to your boss, start getting aligned, get direction, and then do what they tell you to do. That'll give you the structure right there. Ask for help always. Second thing is go inside and take a look at what your habits looked like and your days looked like when you felt a little bit more in control, when you felt like yourself, and then compare with what you're doing now.

Come back to your morning routine and you will set yourself up to have a day that feels like you're in control, and that'll change everything. That was a great question. Hi, you did it. Yes, you did it. Thank you. You're welcome. My friend group were big fans, especially... We're transitioning just out of college right now, so... Yeah, your podcast with Alex was great timing for me. What did you get out of that conversation that I had with Alex? I got especially the relationship one. I don't know how you said it, but I need to fix who I am first because I don't think it's like arelationship is like a mirror of what you're feeling in a way. Even worse, a relationship amplifies what you're feeling. So if you go after that person and you're feeling insecure and so you're chasing that person that's the hot guy, and he or she are... Even if the person ends up being with you, you're actually going to feel insecure because you didn't enter the relationship feeling good about yourself. So you're 1,000 % right. Work on yourself first, because then you bring that to every relationship, and then the relationship is just additive to you versus amplifying the crap that you're trying to run you from.

And I only know that after really screaming things up in my 20s and 30s, literally disaster. I would attach myself to in order to prove that I was okay. And it just made me feel worse about myself because I needed them to feel okay so when the relationship broke up, I grumbled. I want to share a surprisingly simple thing that you can do in order to deal with overwhelm. And the reason why I say that this is surprising is because whenever you feel overwhelmed, isn't it true that the last thing that you want to do is take on anything else? You're like, I can't do one more thing. I barely have time to go to the bathroom. I'm so overwhelmed. That's why what I'm about to recommend is incredibly surprising, because this is going to seem like it's super counterint, as a solution based on research and based on, for sure, my personal experience. As a solution to moments in time where you feel overwhelmed by life or by the world or by what you're facing. Now, what is that surprisingly simple solution as a way to deal with overwhelm? Well, the surprisingly simple solution is to take on a simple little challenge that you're going to take on every day.

You're going to take on something that aligns with growth and change. It pushes you forward and it gives you something to look forward to every day. Because part of the reason why overwhelm is so debilitating is because when you're overwhelmed, your focus is scattered across absolutely everything. You're thinking about your family and your health and the news and the this and the that and the presentation and the emails you didn't do. At the end of the day, each and every one of those things is not really that important. There's probably, can we agree one, two or three things a day that really matter, that really need your attention. The reason why we get so freaking overwhelmed with life is we allow our attention to get scattered and to get pulled in a gazillion different directions. The solution to feeling more in control and to literally dealing with overwhelm, which is just an overwhelming amount of things that really most of which are not that all important to you, but they're just distracting you, which then pulls your attention away from what really matters. You see, I'd rather have you do two or three things a day that really matter to you and let the rest just fall where they fall, right?

The surprisingly simple way to deal with overwhelm is to pick one thing that you're going to focus on every day for you. No matter what, you're going to do this thing, you're going to add a little structure, you're going to add something that you're committing to as a way to laser your focus on something that's in your control. It's absolutely awesome how this works. I'm going to give you an example. When my husband first got diagnosed with depression, he became very overwhelmed. What I noticed is that he decided to take this online fitness challenge. That's a little bit more than I'm telling you that you should do. But he did this fitness, mental toughness challenge, called 75 hard. And even though it was a pain and even though it was hard, having this challenge to focus on as something he had chosen that he was going to commit to every day gave his life a simple structure that had a lot of things that were distracting him fall to the wayside. Same thing happened with our daughter. She became very overwhelmed after she graduated from college. She did not know what she wanted to do.

She was in a really unhealthy place. Committing to a simple set of new, healthy habits that really were things she could control and committing to doing it for three months, it gave her this real discipline around focusing on what mattered to her. The overwhelm started to disappear because when you create a simple structure for yourself and you say, You know what? I'm going to do this week, no matter what this week, I'm just going to get up when the alarm rings and I'm going to move my body for 30 minutes. That is the simple structure I am going to put in place for me. The reason why simple structures like this are so important is because in a sea of this, which is what overwhelm is, all this stuff. You're like, Nope, there is one thing that I am going to do for myself today, and that is the thing that I am going to focus on. When you give yourself a simple structure because you decided you're going to work on one thing, it puts on blinders. You've ever seen horses that get those blinders on that? It is focusing your attention on something that matters to you.

That one surprisingly simple thing, give yourself a simple structure of one thing you're going to do every single day. That gives you something to look forward to, that gives you a way to anchor in a sea of chaos and distraction. You know that if you could just move your body for 30 minutes a day, or if you just got up and you journaled every morning, or if you just meditated for 10 minutes a day and you were going to commit to doing that, a simple structure. Interesting, I see Pam saying, Mel, those little things, you know what it does? It keeps a horse from the tooth looking because there's nothing coming at them this way. And isn't it true that life feels like it's coming at you like this? So a simple structure that you put in place that's something you're excited about, you're empowered by, that you just want to do just because a challenge, it raises your gaze. It raises your gaze from this crap and all this stuff, and it laser focuses you on one thing that you can control that you're going to do for you. I'll tell you, it never fails.

The second that I feel overwhelmed, I guarantee you, my simple structures, getting up when the alarm rings, high-fiving the mirror, moving my body for 30 minutes, journaling, picking one thing to make progress on, drinking my water, reaching out to friends, that stuff goes by the wayside. The simple structure, which you don't want to put in place because you're so overwhelmed and you can't handle one more thing, it's actually exactly what you need. It's also a reason. I'm so glad you guys are getting something out of this quick pep talk because I was thinking a lot about this today. I was driving into Boston, we're looking at office space, we've got a ton of stuff going on. Project with Audible. We're going down to New York this week. I'm so overwhelmed. I started to cry in the back seat of the car heading in. I just said to the person, said, I don't think I can do all that. I just can't do all this. Then I thought, Oh, my God, I know what's missing. The simple structures that I put in place for me. The simple structures that always make mesure I feel a little bit more in control.

They've literally gone by the wayside because I have allowed myself to get so overwhelmed. The way that you slice through the overwhelm and you take control again is I want you to say one thing in the comments, one simple thing that you could add into your day. Is it 30 minutes of exercise? Is it a walk outside? Is it meditating? Is it getting up when the alarm rings? Is it cutting out alcohol for the week? Is it spending 10 minutes working on a project you've been avoiding? What is one thing that you could add back in as a simple structure? For me, it always comes back to this when I'm overwhelmed. I got to go back to the basics. Do you have any other question? What are you dealing with? What are you dealing with? I was trying to be there for my husband, for my kids, and other people. And you're not there for you, though. So is it more overwhelming the way that you think, or overwhelming because you have so much going on and you just physically can't get to all of it? I physically can't get to all of it. Okay.

One thing that I want you to do, and this is going to sound really stupid, but do you sleep with your phone? Yes, I do. I used to have it right back. I want you to stop doing that. Okay. Okay. And here's why. Your phone is distracting you from the things that are important and what's on your phone, the number of emails, the text people are sending you, the news that's really scary. If you have that sucker next to your bed, do you wake up in the morning and then lie in bed and look at it? It's usually my first thing to say, Thank you, Lord. I'm awake and then the phone. And then the phone. And when you lay there and you look at what's on the phone, how does it make you feel emotional? Tired before I get out of the bed. Yes. And does it start to make you feel overwhelmed about everything you need to do? Yes. Okay. What I want you to do instead is I want you to put the phone in your closet or in your kitchen or in your bathroom, plug it in, leave the wringer on because if your kids need to reach you, they can call you.

I'm not going to text you. Tell work. If you need to reach me at two o'clock in the morning, don't send me an email. Don't send me a text. Call me, okay? And then I want you to go to bed. I want you to wake up. You're going to thank the Lord that you woke up. You're going to think about one thing that you're really grateful for to settle yourself, okay? And then you're going to get up. You're going to get up. And then I want you to go out in your kitchen before the madness happens with the kids in school and it's back to school and it's overwhelming, isn't it? And I want you to take five minutes. That's it. Five minutes to just sit and think about what you need for you today. Just one thing. Just one thing. Are you going to call your mother today? Are you going to read a book for 20 minutes today? Are you going to go for a walk at lunch today? What's one thing you're going to do for you? Then let the rest of the day unfold. You can then look at your phone and get overwhelmed.

But I want you to at least start a tiny little self-care practice in the morning. If you like to pray when you get out of bed, don't pray in bed. You can thank God for the fact that you got up, but get out of bed. Go into the kitchen. Do your morning prayers. Think about one thing for you. Then let the rest of the world in, okay? I want you to just crack open. Crack open a little bit for you, and then it'll to expand. You can make it 10 minutes. You can make it 15 minutes. But if you win the battle in the morning so that you can get out of that bed without feeling tired and overwhelmed, we can start to spread that feeling through the rest of your day. How do you feel? I feel good. Okay. It sounds dumb. So now you've got big stuff going on and you've got a lot of demands on your time and you're worried about a lot of people. But I need you to start to build the skill and the habit of waking up in control and of starting your day that way. You got it?

Yes, ma'am. Okay. So let's now take a look at one of the questions that we got from Elena. My to-do list is never ending. How many of you feel like that? My to-do list is never ending. There just aren't enough hours in the day. I feel like I'm never actually getting anything done because as soon as I check off one thing, three things need to be added. Oh, my gosh, I find that too. I find myself working later and later, and then I wake up feeling exhausted and burnt out. I just have to do it all over again the next day. Help me. Okay, so this is going to sound like a crazy piece of advice, but if your to-do list feels overwhelming, if you feel like you have no time for yourself, the first thing that we must research out your routine is this, are you ready to go to work? I want you right now in the comments to tell me what time are you going to stop working today? You heard me right. Put in the comments, What time are you going to stop working today? For me, let's say, I was going to say 5:30 because that's when I'm leaving the office, but I'm carpooling back to my house with my husband, my daughter, and my executive producer, Minnie Boarman, from the TV show who's in town today.

I think I'm going to stop working today at 6:45 when we actually pull in the house. That's when I can commit to not answering emails, to not looking at work related text, to stop talking about work, and to actually move into the other part of my life that I need, which is the part that's called family and time for myself, and decompressing. Setting a quitting time isn't something that I invented. It's something I stole from a professor at Caltech. And the setting a quitting time habit is so important, it leverages something called Parkinson's Law. Parkinson's Law is a phenomenon around time that basically says this. Anything that you have to get done, you will get done in the amount of time that you give to it. Let me just ask you this. If you think about your to-do list, if you have 10 hours today to work on it, how long is it going to take you to get through it? 10 hours. If you have 10 minutes to get through the to-do list that you have, how long is it going to take you? 10 minutes. Because the things you need to do expand or contract according to how much time you have to give to it.

And so what I want you to do right now, because part of your problem with your routine is you don't have one, you allow work to bleed into your evening. You allow work to just constantly show up whenever the email arrives. And you're the one that has to hit reset on your routine so that you don't allow your work to do that. So right now, I want you to set a quitting time. Put it in the comments. What are some of the times that we have coming in? Margie is quitting at 7:30, so she can make day yoga at 8:00. 7:30, so she can make yoga at 8:00? Amy says 5:00 PM. 5:00 PM? In the day office, 8:00 PM for side business. 8:00 PM for side business. Excellent. 4:00 PM for Rhonda so she can do the worksheets. 4:00 PM for Rhonda so she can do the worksheets. Let's see, Diane says 4:30. Diane says 4:30. Excellent. Have you ever had a situation where you've got something you got to do at the end of the day? You've got a doctor's appointment, you've got a soccer game you want to go watch, you've got a plane you got to catch.

You ever notice you're way more productive on those days? That's Parkinson's Law. You can create that as part of your routine every day. It's one of the reasons, by the way, why in the five-second journal I prompt you to plan your quitting time every single morning because I want you to leverage science as part of your routine. I'm struggling with the fact that I feel like I should be getting a lot done. I'm blessed with all this time now, and I'm not getting shit done. I'm not- Why do you think you should be getting stuff done? Well, because part of my... When I was really busy all the time, which has been, gosh, over the last 30 years, where I've been working with the same company and building up to an executive position, I always wanted more time. And I was actually working on, have been working on, starting my own side business, and time was a constraint. So I'd be doing training on my commute, in the back, listening to things, fitting in it wherever I can. And all of a sudden, I have all this time, and I'm using the time to stress and procrastinate.

And, of course, I have kids. I have adopted my two little granddaughters. One turned five today and the other one six. And so they're off of school. And so- First of all, let me start you there. Happy birthday to your granddaughter. And you said that you had a full-time job. Are you working right now? No, I was furloughed on March 20th, and part of the stress is it's the way that I was furloughed. I mean, there's a lot of uncertainty, and I know there is anyway, but it wasn't after the fact. It makes me feel like they don't want me back. And things have been... My job was great. I was the superstar person there for 28 years, and about two years ago, they suddenly changed my position and moved me into something I didn't want to do, but it was lateral, but I had no choice. And around the same time that I was starting the process of adopting my grandkids. And I don't know. I don't know for sure that that's what it is. But I know that that's when I had the schedule where I had limited, more limited hours to work down to 45 or 48 instead of 55 to 60.

So they furloughed you and it feels more like a firing. Right. Because I had to turn in my keys. They shut off my email the next day. Then they called and asked for my laptop. And I said, I'm not using it, but sure you can have it. But what's the rush? They're like, Oh, we're just calling them all in. So then they had somebody come pick it up. This was five days after I was furloughed or so, and they cleared out the rest of my office. I took two boxes with me when I left because they asked us to clear everything out. And I've been there for forever, so I had a big office full of stuff. Well, then I had five more boxes of stuff they cleared every desk door, everything off the walls. It's not easy. No, and I have 30 years of my life. So you're in the same camp as anybody that lost something and didn't expect to lose it, whether it was the college graduation or the internship this summer or a 30-year job. And so you've got, on one hand, the disruption, how discombobulating and surprising it is, how confusing it is.

And we could sit here all day and make up stories about, well, they're just following protocol because gosh knows how long this is going to last. And they're probably just being fiscally responsible. And it'd be a lot harder to get that laptop access function now if they had to close the whole thing down than to just do it all with everybody right now. We're or it could be, hey, let's use this as a chance to get rid of people that we were wanting to get rid of anyway. I don't have a clue. You don't have a clue. It is a total waste of time to sit and try to figure out what do we think is happening. And so what I want you to do instead is to focus on what you want to have happen now. Because let's assume you're not going back. You are now the primary caregiver to a six and a five year old. You have a side business and you cannot seem to be able to focus. And the reason why you can't focus is a combination of all of the disruption that happened in your life and the stresscreates.

And add to it the pandemic and all the stress it creates and add to it the pandemic and all the stress that that creates, add to that any of the financial issues that you may be thinking about and all the stress that that creates. And when you feel stressed in your body, Heidi, I want you to understand that what happens is it rises the level of cortisol in your body. And when cortisol hits this part of your brain, it impacts your ability to focus. So there's a direct connection between an increase in stress and anxiety and worry and a decrease in your ability to direct your focus. And so the other thing that makes this really difficult, and I can see you getting emotional, what's coming up for you? It's just a huge part of my identity has been my career. Yeah. And you know what else has been a huge part of your life? Because this is something that I am experiencing. I was what you call an over-functioner. Very busy, constantly on the move. And you are probably a bit of an extrovert, too. And so the nature of what we're going through has also highlighted the fact that you stay busy as a way to not have to deal with things that stress you out.

And when somebody like you or me gets forced to slow down, all this stuff comes up that we don't want to deal with. And the more that you resist all of these feelings, the longer you're going to stay spinning and the longer that you're going to not be able to focus. And what you need, given that the way that your life used to be just got ripped from you, is you need to come up with a plan for what you're going to do next. So are you going to look for a job? Are you going to do something else and invest in this side hustle? What are you going to do? Okay, well, I'm going to say if I don't get called back to work by June. I thought it would be smart of me to make a move to the main line. Because the way things were going last year with my job, and I've always been this star performer and everything... Just the start of the quarter, part of teaching, really close with everybody at work, and I'm testing up for the first time, I have a poor review. I have a review that we're saying we're not using.

Okay, so can I just slow you down? Yeah. Because what I just heard you say is that even going back a year, you got your first poor review. Yeah. And you can feel that things are going like this. And that is a piece of data that's very important. And you said you were going to wait until June to see if they bring you back. And if they don't bring you back, then you're going to make a move to the mainland. So here's what I want to unpack for you. I am working on a book on decision making, and I want to road test an idea with you. Because when I hear you say that things were going downhill, but you're going to wait until they decide, what I hear is somebody giving all the power to somebody else. And I believe that there are only two kinds of decisions that we make. We make what I call a noisy decision or we make a quiet decision. And I want to teach you right now how to make a quiet decision. A noisy decision is the type of decisions that most of us make all the time.

They are driven by the noise of what's going on around us, driven by the noise of fear, driven by the noise of anxiety, driven by the noise of pleasing other people, driven by the noise of being a good girl, driven by the noise of your self-doubt, driven by the noise of all the things that you do and have always done in the way that you've always done them. And then there's the quiet decision. And a quiet decision is one where you take a deep breath and you tune out all the fear and all the shit that everybody else is saying. And you go in here and you ask yourself, What do I want? And so let's do that right now. If you remove fear from the equation and you remove all of the noise and the doubt and the overwhelm and everything you're feeling, don't worry about the how, don't worry about the when of whatever. I want you to just go right in here and get very quiet, quiet enough so that you can hear your own voice for a second. What do you want? This is what I was thinking about late last year when I was trying to invest at the ER.

I started thinking about that because I want to come up with an e-commerce business. And I've been studying towards that because I want to have time and freedom, especially at my age. I'm 55 and I have two little kids that I need to support all the way through that I need a lot of them to keep me fit out. I don't know what I can do without them right now. I want to have flexibility and time freedom. I did think about this when I thought I had to water property in my hometown where I grew up in, I took a moment for the down to be my apartment and I was like, I'm going to try to rent a house. And- So can I ask you a question? Because here's what I hear. I hear you saying you want to pursue this side business and that you want to move. Yes, and it's hard to me why... Or I think it's the best thing, whatever- Okay, so when you tune out the noise and the fear- No, what do you want? Say it to me specifically without explaining why. I want to move and I want to move.

It's starting to fight. Start all right. Terrific. Okay, there you go. There's your decision. So fuck what this company does. You want to move. And that is a quiet decision. It's a decision that chooses you. It's a decision that comes from courage. It's a decision that is purposeful. And so now what we do is move into the execution part of that decision. We have decided you're moving. Okay. So when are you moving? I think August, September later. I want you to pick a date. Okay. I'll just say August 31st. Terrific. August 31st you're moving. Okay. You've just made a quiet decision. Now it's your job to figure out how to get it done and what steps to take when. Okay. What does it feel like right now to know that you've made a decision? In a way, it feels calm. In another way, I start around, Hey, I have to do this, this, this. I don't know if that's coming up for me, but it's also calm. I can lean towards this decision, but I have people saying, Well, I'm going to give up your job. That's the noise. So other people are making a decision not to do it for you.

That's why you've got to tune out the noise and tune into what you're quietly telling yourself. And so you have just made a decision. You're going to move. And all I invite you to do for the next five days, you don't have to do anything. You've already, I'm sure, applied for unemployment. I want you to just sit with this decision. I want you to start to get excited about the decision. And starting this weekend, you can start making a plan to make the decision happen. Does that make sense? Yes. I always say you're one decision away from a different life. And that's because when you're swirling in uncertainty and self-doubt and confusion, one decision will cut through all of that noise that's keeping you stuck, and it will give you clarity, purpose and confidence. And that's what you just did today. Good job, Heidi. Thank you. Thank you, Mel. You have this behavior pattern where you snap. You have this behavior pattern where you yell and you get upset and you make people wrong and you don't mean to. If you are somebody who's ever said to yourself, I wish I could stop yelling or I wish I could stop snapping, this video is absolutely unbelievable, okay?

And the reason why is I explained this research that was so mind-blowing for me. It's called Ghosts in the Nursery. A lot of the patterns that you have that you don't have control over are patterns from your childhood, and they are there because when you were a kid, you experienced people in your life that were tense. Did you ever have a parent that was a yelling? Did you ever have a teacher that was a yelling or a coach that was a yelling? And secretly in your little kid body, whenever your mom or dad would yell or your coach would yell or your teacher would yell or your grandmother or grandfather would yell, you would feel tense, right? You would feel nervous. You would feel on edge. Of course, that's how we all feel, right? Well, here's the reason why you might have an issue like I used to have an issue where I would yell at my kids and then feel terrible about it. I'd snap at my husband and then I'd feel terrible about it. Psychologists, and then I would say to myself, I'm not doing that again. I'm not doing that again, but I wouldn't have the ability to end it.

Psychologists call this ghosts in the nursery. It means that any situation where you start to feel tense or you start to feel stressed out, guess what happens? Your body remembers what it was like when you were little to feel tense and stressed out. And what were the adults doing around you when you felt that way? They were snapping, they were yelling. And now here you are, repeating the pattern. And you don't know why and you feel guilty. I'm explaining this to you because it wasn't until I thought, Holy cow! I know I don't want to snap at my husband. I know I don't want to take my anger from work out on my family. Why can't I stop this? That's the reason why. It's because it's a pattern that you remember from being a kid that the adults around you were snapping or yelling or being mean any time. And when they were, you felt tense and stressed out. Now that you're an adult, when you're tense and stressed out, you repeat the behavior that you witnessed. Crazy, right? How do you stop it? Well, the first step to stopping anything is to actually understand what you're dealing with.

Now that you know you're dealing with a pattern, now all you need to do is basically say, Okay, I'm going to put a practice in place that's going to interrupt this pattern. What's the practice? Well, a really good one is before you walk in the house at the end of the day, if you're stressed out, take five. Take five deep breaths. Reset your mood, reset your energy before you walk in the house and you'll be surprised by how much nicer you are to the people around you. Another thing that you can do, and this one's not so fun, is you can train your partner, your kids, your roommates, your family, that if you're trying to get ahold of how you bring stress home, you can train them to say to you, Hey, don't take your work stress out on me. When somebody that you care about says that to you, it's a humbling experience. And the person that says it the most in my life is my son, Oakley. The youngsters seem to love to cross-check the adults. So be careful with taking that advice. I haven't lost anybody that I love. So I would not say what I'm about to say if somebody that I loved had died in this pandemic.

But I have found the great pause that the last two months have forced me to take to be the greatest gift that I have received in the last decade. My kids have been home. I have been off the road. I have been forced to slow down. I have been reminded of what actually matters: your health, your family, your friends, what you're doing to take care of your mind and your body and your spirit, and making sure that you do something with the time that you have that you really, really enjoy. The other thing that it's really made me stop and think about is making sure that I'm having fun, that my whole life isn't just work. It's made me really start to think about the fact that I don't want to go back to the life that I was living before the pandemic hit. How many of you feel that way? This has been a gigantic mental perspective switch reset button that has boom, hit you really hard? I want to know in the comments, what is it that you, with this new perspective that the pandemic has given you, what is it that you want to change in your life coming out of this?

I want to start seeing. I see people saying this has been a wake-up call. I see people saying, Yes, this has been a huge shift in my perspective. I see Brianna saying, I want to travel less for work. What do you want? Kelly says she's had a mental switch. Kelly, what has this pandemic given you in terms of the gift? Heather saying, I want to ask myself, What do I really want to do? Kim says, I don't want to go back to the rat race. Brock says, I want to start the year excited about it. I see somebody saying, Larissa says, A new business. Megan says, I want more boundaries. Tara says, I want to have more fun. What is it that you want to change given the gift that this pandemic has given you in terms of shifting your perspective. Dinkie says, value my friends and family. Jealousy says, take care of my mental health. Spend more time with family. What do you want to change, everybody? Seriously. What do you want to change about your life? Is it a relationship? Is it that you have had the time to take care of yourself in small ways and that's giving you greater control in your life?

Do you want to change your job coming out of this? Do you want to launch a business coming out of this? Do you want to change your timeline for achieving your goals? Is there some project that you want to take on? Because what you're going to hear me say over and over again is that the single most important project you could ever work on is yourself. The greatest gift that any challenge will ever give you is a perspective shift and the realization that you can face hard things, that you can survive hard things, and that in learning more deeply about yourself and about what you value through the challenges in life, you are going to be handed a moment where you can make a decision. You hear me say all the time, You're one decision away from a different life. Changing your life does not take motivation. Motivation is garbage. Changing your life takes discipline. The discipline to make a decision to change. You see, you need three things if you want to come out of this pandemic and truly change your life for the better. So many of you do not want to go back to the life that you were living.

You see something greater for you. And what you're going to need in order to make that shift is you need clarity. You need the clarity to write the change down. And I want you to start right now. What in the comments? Let's get really clear. Terry wants to come out of this a healthier and better person. What is the clarity? Tell me the change that you want to make coming out of this. You've got to have the clarity to write it down. That's number one. The second thing that you've got to have in order to make a change happen is you've got to learn the skill of confidence, which is the ability to try something when you don't feel ready. You may not know how to do this change. I see advocate for myself. I see more physical movement. I see I want to change my job. I want to start a business. I want to earn more money. I want to travel less. I want my work to have meaning. I want to get out of an abusive relationship. I want to help people in need. I want to make sure that I continue to keep the promises that I've been keeping: getting up on time, working out every day, working on my relationship.

This is fantastic because you're having a moment of clarity. And when you start to write it down, you are starting to develop the confidence and the knowing that you deserve to have this change happen. And then finally, what do you need in order to really change your life? Because it's not motivation, everybody, it's discipline. Discipline to make small promises, keep small promises. Discipline to take small actions when you feel afraid. The discipline to find the courage to push yourself forward when you don't know how. That's how you change your life. Just those three things: clarity, confidence, courage. That's all you need. That's why you got me in your life because I'm here to push you. I'm here to encourage you. I love seeing what you want to change. That, Oh, I see you need help building confidence. No problem. I got you covered. Because confidence isn't something that you feel. Confidence is a skill. Confidence is the willingness to try because it's through the act of trying. Through the act of simply writing down what's the change that you want to make, right there in the comments. Just writing it down and trying it out, trying out writing what that feels like, that's going to show you that you have the ability to start to express the things that you want.

That's the first step to claim these things that you think about. For those of you, more than 100 of you who have written to me in the last week and who have said, I've had a huge perspective shift thanks to this pandemic. And there are some major changes I want to make in my life. I want to start a women's group. I want to end this relationship that I'm in. I want to stop bashing myself all the time. I want to launch that business I've been talking about. All of the things that you've put on hold. Now is the time to change. So many of you ask me, Is it the right time to change your job after a pandemic like this? Absolutely. Because if you don't hear the clarity that's inside you, if you don't quiet the noise and tune into here, if your instincts, if your wisdom, if your knowing, if inside of you, you hear yourself saying, I got to get a new job. I got to get out of this relationship. I don't want to live where I live anymore. I want to be near the water. I want to be in the mountains.

I want to be out of the city. You have to tune into that stuff. And then it's about confidence and courage to take action. That's it. Okay. I want to just dive straight in because this was not an easy book for you to write, am I correct? No. And I also love that and I want to get into this a little bit later. But can you just tell everyone, for those who might think, It's Mel Fricking Robbins, and she can just pop things out and create things. And here's her next big, best-selling book. Can you reveal to people why this one was a challenge and what that road was like for you? Sure. This is the first book that I've put out in print in almost five years. And one of the reasons why it's a challenge is because I have dyslexia, I have a PhD. It's hard for me to get something on paper. I can talk and blather on like an idiot forever, particularly if I have a few drinks in me. So audio stuff is super easy, but actually getting something on paper, my mind doesn't work that way. That's the first thing.

The second thing is that I really struggle just like everybody does. And I know that so many of you that follow your work, Marie, and that love you or that are alumni of your incredible courses, I should say, we all struggle with this notion that we don't know what the thing is. I didn't know what to write about. And because the five-second rule had such a profound impact on millions of people's lives, absolutely anything that I put on paper just seemed stupid. Yes. And so I became my own biggest critic. In the last probably four and a half years, my family will tell you, I drove them absolutely fucking crazy because I was constantly working on a book and I would crank out something, and my process of writing is to dictate. So I just record because you don't have to make yourself do things the hard way. If you struggle with something, figure out a cheat. For me, it was just dictating, putting little voice memo notes in my phone. It would be sitting in front of my computer and just dictate, dictate, dictate. Then we'd send them off for transcription. Then what I would find is that the things that I was saying did not actually translate down to writing.

I skipped words. I put the front of the sentence at the end of the sentence when I talk. We would edit and edit and edit, and nothing seemed good. I started to feel discouraged. This was what was going on for four years. I want to- Okay. Go ahead. Let me interrupt you because I really want to unpack this because there's not many people in the world that I can do this with. I feel like you and I are soul sisters in this way. We so are. My question for you was the idea for the high five habit there or were you test driving different- Oh, my God. No, no, no. The idea for the high five habit was nowhere on the radar screen. Yes. I was writing things like, Oh, motivation is garbage. That's what we should do because of that clip that went viral with Tom Bilyeu. And that just didn't light me up. And that's how you know if you have an idea that's for you. An idea that's for you is like a little spark in a forest, almost. It's like that little first pop that you feel energy, a great idea that's your idea or that's the right idea for you.

It might not end up being the thing. It expands you. There's a little bit of something. And honestly, as I was working for the last four years, I felt dead. I felt defeated. I just knew, even if I pushed an idea forward, Marie, it wasn't it. Yes. I want to play with that for a minute because did you have the feeling? Two things. One, that your best work had already come out, that the five-second rule was like the thing. For sure. Okay, good. I just want to say that because I've had that so many times, so I just want to normalize that so people don't think you, or I, or other people like us, or people that they admire are these special unicorns. And two, did you have a voice in your head that said, if I was really a writer, or a coach, or whatever professional leading person in this field of personal development, that I would be able to crank out a book a year? And by the way, it's not like you've been sitting twiddling your thumbs. You've got best-selling audiobooks. But I just want to know from the inside out, because I've had this, that because the idea wasn't right there and you just couldn't do it, that it starts this back pedaling of like, I must just suck.

I'm like a 1,000- Oh, a thousand %. And then on top of it, I completely tortured myself by watching people that I love, like you or Jayshetty, or Gabby or anybody that is in even our friend group where I'm like, I love you and I hate you. I love you and I hate you. Why are they able to crank out those mini videos? Why are they able to put those courses? There must be something wrong with me. I'm just a one-hit pony here. I got lucky on the five-second rule by the skin of my teeth. That thing got done. It's helping people. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I'm done here. There will never be another idea. I'm not as smart as those people. I'm not as organized as those people. I got lucky. That is 1,000 % what I said. And the other thing, too, is that I also felt like I was on the outside. And so I will tell everybody this is so important because I think when you start launching your own thing, you're lit up because you're finally going to start your yoga studio. You're finally going to start that catering business.

You're finally going to start that flower growing business. You're finally going to do the thing. And then all of a sudden you do the thing. And instead of being excited and thrilled and validating yourself, you then look up and go, Oh, wait a minute. There are all these other people that do something similar, and they're all friends or they're all bigger than me. And then you start to tell your story that you're the little one on the outside looking in. That you're not part, you know what I mean? And then you use that to invalidate yourself. And so I found a gajillion ways to tell myself, I call it pile driving. I would just pile drive myself. And it was paralyzing. And it makes the process of creating anything so sucky, so laborious, so stress-filled. It creates more procrastination. And so I have been in the soup of self-judgment for four and a half years. Yeah. Yeah. Well, look, I've talked about this a couple of times, but I don't think we can say it enough. My process for creating everything is figure outable. I'm like, Oh, this is great. I am absolutely unable to figure out how to write a book called Everything is Figure Outable and tortured the hell out of myself while I was writing it.

And should I give back the money? I'm not really meant to do that. And this has happened so many times in my career. I love talking about this stuff because sometimes these are the stories that you don't get to hear. And people just make all of these assumptions and it's just not the truth. Well, and when that book came out, let me just tell you what happened. Your book came out and I saw this incredible title. I saw this on-brand book. I saw you putting more amazing, life-changing workout. The book is fucking fantastic. Thank you. I read every word, and you don't even read every word and let it seep in because you're like, This is so good. Why didn't I do this? Of course, she can put a book out because she's Marie. You know what I mean? So you literally... And it's so interesting because one of the things you and I are going to talk about is that your relationship with yourself is the foundation for everything. Yes. So if you look in the mirror and you judge yourself or reject yourself or you're insecure about anything, you then take that self-rejection and self-judgment and that insecurity, and you project it on everything that you see.

And so instead of being able to walk in a world where your genius co-exists with other people's genius, instead of being able to walk in a world where you're like, Everything is unfolding for me. This is taking time because it's supposed to. Marie is a light on the path for me. And if I'm secure with myself and if I can literally support and encourage myself even when I'm struggling, what happens is you start to see the world differently. I see your book, and I'm like, If she can do it, that means she's lighting the path, and I can do it. And the only reason why, again, I couldn't do that is because I hadn't actually discovered or started to feel the impact of this high five habit thing, which was a total... I didn't set out to do this. I did not say, Okay, I need another book with a five in it. And it's not going to be the five decisions. It's not going to be the five this. I need another book with a five. And we got to figure out what the... And it's going to be five parts and five... No, that's not what I set out to do.

Life punched me in the fucking face. I fell into a hole, like we all fall into a hole. This is my brand, for better or for worse, this is what I'm going to need to embrace. My brand of transformation is dig a hole or fall in one and then figure out how to build a ladder. Then as you're doing this process of helping yourself pick yourself back up through a really hard time, I have had two instances in my life where I have stumbled upon something that is absurd on its face that turns out to have been handed to me by the universe as a gift. And it also turns out when you unpack it to have a mind-blowing amount of depth and science to it. And that's what the high five habit is. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, by God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.