I have a question about a couple of things that you said. I didn't want to interrupt you. But you said that breathing in and out of your nose increases the amount of oxygen versus breathing out of your mouth. Why does that matter?

I think it's very important. Oxygen is really the fuel for the human being. If, for example, we are not getting enough oxygen delivery to the brain, if there's an insufficient sufficient blood flow or oxygen delivery, it can increase brain cell excitability. So brain cells become more excitable. We're thinking more, we're more prone to anxiety. I remember writing a book back in 2010 called Anxiety Free, and I spoke about this paper that was published in 1988. The paper said that the brain, by regulating breathing, regulates its own excitability. Then I was listening to a podcast by the neuroscientist Dr. Andrew Huberman about two months ago, and he cited the exact same statement and sentence. It's funny how things come around, but this is the importance of breathing and the importance of knowing how to breathe right. If, for example, we are breathing the way you described during the introduction, and that's the acute panic attack. But say, for example, somebody who's just breathing a little bit faster, a little bit harder, upper chest breathing, irregular breathing patterns. That's present in a minimum of 10% of the general population, but up to 75% of the anxiety and panic disorder population.

So 75% of the population with anxiety and panic disorder have dysfunctional breathing. It's not just that stress levels change our breathing. Of course, when we are stressed, our breathing changes, but our everyday breathing is feeding into our stress levels. Who doesn't want to be more resilient? The other thing about stress is when we have a lot of mind activity, it's impossible to do mindfulness. We have to be absolutely... We have to think of this ourselves. The next time that we're having a really bad day, and there's a lot of thoughts going through our minds, and I don't suffer from anxiety, but of course, things happen. That's the way it is as human beings. I can change my breathing patterns without having to be so aware of my breath to help to bring the body and mind into balance. That's the thing about breathing. Coming back to oxygen delivery and blood flow. If, for example, even getting to the working muscles, if there's insufficient oxygen getting to the working muscles, well, we're more prone to fatigue. In terms of the brain I spoke about. We have 50,000 miles of blood vessels throughout the human body, and our breathing is influencing how dilated or not are they.

People with poorer breathing are more likely to have cold hands and cold feet. It's not just the blood circulation in the hands and feet that's the problem, it's throughout the body.

I feel like I might be your test case here because now I'm thinking, Well, I wear socks to bed because when I touch my husband with my feet, he's like, You're so cold. So one of the things that I read on your website and in your books that I absolutely loved was you said breathing is not just for relaxing. It is an incredible tool when you get intentional about how you breathe every day to fight stress. And I would love for you to teach us right now now, how to stop being a dysfunctional breather and to breathe in a functional way in and out of our nose to get the maximum health benefit.

Okay. The first exercise that I'm going to start off with is small little breath holds. This is going to introduce you to a means of helping to activate a relaxation response. Then from that, I'm going to show you an exercise to decongest the nose. Oh, great. Because if you have a stuffy nose, inevitably, it's going to cause mouth breathing. Then I will do breathe light and then breathe low and slow. I'm going to go from one sequence into another. It will be no more than five minutes. We're going to cover a bit of ground, so I think people will have to replay this. The first exercise, Mel, that I would like you to do, when the mind is racing and you're not feeling in form of focusing on your breathing, simply hold your breath in an exhalation. Take a normal breath in through your nose and out through your nose, and pinch your nose and pinch your nose and hold and hold for five, four, three, two, one. Let go. Just breathe normal now for about 2-3 breaths or even four breaths. Not to change your breathing, just breathing normal. And again, take a normal breath in through your nose and out through your nose and pinch your nose and hold.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Let go. And now just breathe normal for 3-4 breaths. So you're just breathing normal. The small breath hold will help to stimulate the vagus nerve, which secretes a neurotransmitter called a settle calling, which causes the heart rate to slow down and the brain interprets that the body is safe. And again, take a normal breath in through your nose and out through your nose and pinch your nose and hold. 5, 4, 3, Three, two, one. Let go. Breathe in through your nose. So now you're just breathing normal for three to four breaths. And then a couple of repetitions, then I will show you how to go from this to decongesting your nose. And again, normal breath in through your nose and out through your nose and pinch your nose and hold. Five, four, three, two, one. Let go and breathe in through your nose. Also, as you hold your breath, nitric oxide is pooling your nasal airway. Then when you let go, you're breathing in. You're carrying this nitric oxide into your lungs. Nitric oxide is antibacterial, antiviral. It's a bronchodilator. For bronchitis, this is your natural way to help open up the lower airway.

Nice. Last one. And again, normal breath in through your nose, out through your nose. Pinch your nose and hold. Five, four, three, two, one. Let go. So now we're going to go on to the nose unblocking exercise.

Can I ask you a question?

Yes.

So when you say, breathe normally, you mean not like how we normally breathe. You mean breathe in and out of your nose, right?

Correct. Okay. Well, that's how we should be normally breathing.

Most of us are probably mouth readers, so I just wanted to make sure everybody's getting the coaching that when he's cuing us to breathe normal, Patrick means in and out of your nose. And one thing I will tell you is even after the first round of breathing in and out of my nose, and then breathing in and out of my nose, and then pinching and holding for five, I started to feel almost that sensation of going down in an elevator. You really start to feel the pressure that you're not even aware that is built up in your body start to lower. So it had an immediate impact on me. I just wanted to point that out. Is that normal to experience that?

I think people will have different experiences. That exercise is very much an exercise we do with people who are prone to high stress, racing mind, panic disorder. See, the thing about breathing is we as human beings, breathing is such an important function. But every time that we get into a difficult situation, our breathing changes. When When we start playing with the breath, we can often relive the situations in our history. I'll give you this example. Somebody who's coming in to me with panic disorder. Every time that they've had a panic attack in the past, they've been breathing faster and harder in upper chest, and they're feeling suffocated. Now, even just placing attention on their breathing can make them anxious. If I start doing any breathing exercises that alter the volume of breathing and it brings on air hunger, it can tip them into a panic. We have to be very careful, too, about breathing in terms of tailoring the breathing exercises to suit the individual. Now, the next exercise I'm going to show you will decongest the nose. However, not to do this if somebody is prone to panic disorder or anxiety or pregnant or cardiovascular issues.

Now, despite that, it's actually relatively safe. I would like you... All of these exercise, you always do them. You'll tune in to your body and do them to the level that you're comfortable with. With this exercise, Mel, you take a normal breath in through your nose and out through your nose, and you pinch your nose. Just gently hold your nose and just nod your head up and down, holding your breath. And keep holding your breath. Keep holding. Keep holding. Keep holding your breath. Keep holding. And let go there and breathe in through your nose. So when you do a breath hold after an exhalation, so if you hold your breath after a normal exhalation, that will have to decongest the nose. Now, we need to do it five or six times.

I got worried about how much you were counting. I'm like, How long am I holding this?

Oh, my God. So whenever you're ready, take a normal breath in through your nose. Only normal. So I'm going to have you just do that again. So remember about the subtlety of the breath. Just a light breath in.

Patrick, there's nothing subtle about me. Here we go. Light breath in, everybody.

A A light breath into your nose and a light breath out through your nose. And just gently hold your nostrils to stop breathing and nod your head up and down as you hold your breath. And keep relaxing into the body as you're holding your breath. Now, it's a very normal thing to hold your breath. Kids, if they go swimming, they'll do breath holds all the time. It's a very normal human trait to go into the water and hold your breath. Now, as you hold your breath here, it's activating a slight stress response, which will help to open up the nose. Now, let go, Mel, and breathe in through your nose. The key to help decongesting the nose is to hold the breath for at least 30 seconds or so. But I would say when you start off, always start off gentle and just tune in on how is your body reacting to breath holding.

I'll tell you what just happened. I literally feel like my nostrils are now the size of a Tootsie Roll. They widened up, and all of a sudden it was super clear because my allergies are starting to kick in now that it's going summer to fall in the United States. And it worked that second time in particular.

Yeah, no, it It's a very reproducible technique. I've used it with thousands of people. We had a small pilot study involving 26 people at a hospital here in Limerick in Ireland. The three-month follow-up, symptoms of rhinitis, which are stuffy nose and runny nose, et cetera, had reduced by 70%. But I thought that pilot study, which was published as an abstract, I thought it would lead the way to generate some curiosity into a bigger study. It never happened. That study took place 10 years ago. But despite that, the exercise works.

So it's for people to try. We're here now. We want to know. I felt like it worked. And this is, again, I have so many elementary questions that I'm almost embarrassed to ask this one.

Oh, please do.

What coaching do you have for people that are so used to mouth breathing that breathing in and out of their nose, it just feels weird. And so they try it, but then they keep going back to the mouth breathing. How do you make this the new default, given the health benefits?

So there's two parts to it. There's always theory first, a little bit of theory. People have to understand about the importance of nose breathing. And in comparison to the mouth, the nose does all the work when it comes to breathing. And the second aspect of it then is breathing exercises. Gentle exercises. Just, for example, starting off with the two that we just did. We use a very simple tape around the mouth that's elasticated That pulls the lips together. Oh, that's correct. I have your tape. That's the one because I have no samples here.

I'm going to put it on right now, everybody. Last night, I taped my... We're going to get into mouth taping, but I literally- You have to stretch it, Mel, about 30 or 40 %.

So it's only when you stretch it that you'll feel a tension.

Oh, I didn't even take off the sticky part. Okay. So everybody, it's like the shape of a... Oh. Yeah. And I Can you stretch it?

By about 30 to 40 %.

Not too much or not. I'm not that strong. Okay.

Like that? Not too much, not too little. Maybe a little bit less. Okay. And you're just stretching it and then placing it surrounding them out. And the elasticated tension should be pulling the lips together. So it should be... You should feel some tension there.

I do.

With children and teenagers, we very much use that as a training tool during wakefulness. Because kids are kids and they get distracted and they're watching television, they're on iPhone, the mouth is open. But for some adults as well. It can be very helpful. Part of this is the training during the day. If an adult has the mouth open and they forget about it, the tape will automatically remind them to breathe through the nose. It's all about changing habits.

It definitely signals that I shouldn't be breathing out of my mouth.

Having the mouth open. Yeah. And then during sleep, when the person is comfortable with breathing through the nose, in terms of their nose being congested, and bear mind, the one thing about the nose is that the more we breathe through it, the better it works. But normally what happens is the nose gets stuffy, the person feels uncomfortable breathing through the nose, they switch to mouth breathing, and when they switch to mouth breathing, it increases their nasal stuffiness. Again, it's a vicious circle. I would also say to people that when you first switch from mouth to nose breathing, remember, this is the natural way to breathe in and out through the nose. Even if you feel a slight air hunger or a slight feeling that you're not getting enough air. When you're doing physical exercise, initially you might feel an increased sensation of breathlessness. Stick with it. Slow down your intensity of movement in order to maintain nose breathing, or in other words, only go as fast as you can while breathing through the nose. The benefits far outweigh the disadvantages. The other aspect of it is, if you continue walking with your mouth closed, the body adjusts to it, and you then can do a physical exercise with less ventilation.

So it's almost as if you're training your body to do more with less.

There's so much to cover. Can you just bottom line it for people about what happens? Like, what's wrong with breathing out through your mouth? We know the benefits of breathing in, but what goes wrong when you're breathing constantly in and out of your mouth?

I suppose the biggest one is that you lose moisture. So there's a 42% greater water loss breathing out through the mouth. And losing moisture, if your mouth is dry and you're losing moisture from the body, of course, you're more likely to be dehydrated. But that will impact your dental health. Gum disease, bad breath, for example, chapp lips. But the other problem about breathing out through the mouth during rest is that it's a fast exhalation. And see, when we think about the body's relaxation response, it's all in the exhalation. It's not really in the inhalation. You can take a fast breath in, or you could take a slow breath in. But really, when it comes to activating relaxation during rest, it's the speed of the exhalation. If you breathe out fast, it's a stressor. If you breathe in fast and out fast, it's a stressor. It's not just how you breathe that way during stress, but if you deliberately breathe that way in your everyday, you're telling the brain that the body is under threat. You're going into this fight or flight response. And of course, your brain is here to protect you, and your brain wants to get you out of the situation.

So you don't want to be breathing fast going into a boardroom meeting, put it that way, because While you're going in in person, in physical, your brain wants you to get out of there as quick as you can. So coming back to mouth breathing, if you breathe out through the mouth, there's less resistance to your breathing. It's a faster breath out.

It's a bigger exit ramp because the mouth is bigger than your nostril. And so breathing in and out of your nose, if I'm tracking correctly, one of the added benefits is that the exhale is going through something smaller than your mouth, so it slows you down. And in preparing to talk to you, we came across that Stanford study that you cite that is on your website, too. And I thought I thought this was super cool that your breath is like your brain's remote control, that there are actually neurons in your brain watching your breath. And when you start to breathe faster or out of your mouth, it signals to another part of your brain that something's wrong. And so I want to make sure you, listening to Patrick and all of this research and the 10 books that he's written, what he is saying to you is that learning how to breathe in and out of your nose has extraordinary benefit for lowering stress, for lowering anxiety, for being able to focus. You not only work with people, Patrick, that are struggling with anxiety, variety or sleep apnea, but you're also coaching athletes and high performers because your breath and being somebody that can breathe in a slow and steady fashion out of your nose helps you with focus.

And so can we break down just the mechanics of the ideal normal breathing? Like, how many breaths in and out if you're breathing normally in a healthy way in and out of your nose, should you take in, let's say, a minute?

So typically during rest, it's about 12 to 14 breaths. But the only caveat there is how much air is involved with each breath, the tidal volume. So we We can't just focus on the respiratory rate. We also need to focus on tidal volume because ultimately it's the volume of air that we are breathing. If we breathe too much air, less oxygen is delivered throughout the body. This is another aspect. There's a myth out there that if you want to bring more oxygen throughout the body, you take this full big breath. But if you take this full big breath, you're getting rid of too much carbon dioxide. The loss of carbon dioxide will cause your blood vessels to constrict and also red blood cells to hold on to oxygen more readily.

Coming back to your- Can you coach me through this? Because if I take a big breath, if I go in through my mouth and I'm like, I'm trying to get a breath right, what happens as I go to get oxygen is my shoulders come up and I feel my chest pinch, and I feel my stomach suck in, and I actually can't get a deep breath because I can't get it below my boobs. I can't get it down into that really satisfying full breath. Is that what you're talking about when you talk about the flow or volume or whatever?

Yeah, there's two aspects. One is when you're talking about there, you're talking about shallow breathing, which is not ideal either. So we do want to breathe low with good recruitment of the diaphyon.

How do you do that?

The best way to do that is in the neck, through the nose. So if you For example, if you place your hands either side of your lower ribs.

Okay. So everybody, unless you're driving a car, I want you to cup your rib cage. Okay. Are we cupping the rib cage or we're going underneath it?

Just at the base of the ribs. So just at the base of the ribs. Got it. And as you breathe in, you're just gently directing your lower ribs to move outwards. Oh, how do you do that? And as you breathe out, you're directing your lower ribs to move inwards. And the aspect is to hold your sides, because normally when people put it on their belly, they're pushing and pulling their belly irrespective of their breathing. So that's why you have your hands on your side. So Mel, as you breathe in, you're just gently guiding your ribs out. As you breathe out, your ribs are gently moving in. Now, that's a deep breath in the true sense of the word. We don't hear it. You're breathing in and out through your nose, and you're breathing slow, and you're breathing low. Now, we can slow it down. If, for example, during rest, we want to have the ideal breath to help to bring the body and mind into balance, that's between 4.5 to 6.5 breaths per minute. So let's practice that with low breathing for just one minute, if you like.

Okay. Yeah, I would. Can I ask a question?

Of course.

Before we do this exercise. So what I'm gathering from this is that I'm a mouth breather with bad breath who's causing myself stress and anxiety because I'm signaling to my brain with my shallow breathing that something's wrong, and that I always thought deep breathing because I practice yoga was this belly breath. I've always focused on inflating deflate and deflate the stomach. And what you're talking about when you cup the bottom of your ribs, because I want everybody to get this, you can watch it on YouTube, but for those of you listening to Patrick and to me, I want you to really get this, that it's really more of a horizontal thing. You're not inflating your stomach. You're making your bottom rib cage expand and come back in. And I'm realizing that so much of my breathing pattern has been almost like vertical up and down, and I hadn't been thinking about that. So that was super, super helpful. And you said that in a normal just going about your life, you're not trying to relax. You're just trying to focus. You're going through your day. You're not trying to stress yourself out. You're getting the benefit of normal in and out of your nose breathing.

You said that it would be somewhere between 10 to 14 breaths in and out of your nose in a minute. And now what you're about to show us is that for relaxation, you can do this deeper breathing where you fill your diaphragm horizontally, your rib cages move out, but it's for four to six times a minute. Is that what we're about to do? Yes. Okay, great. I just want to make sure everybody's following.

And just coming back to the diaphragm, like when the diaphragm, which is the main breathing muscle, and it separates our chest from our abdomen. So during inhalation, the diaphragm is moving downwards. And it's the movement movement of the diaphragm downwards that draws air into the lungs. But as the diaphragm is moving downwards, you will have some movement to your front. So you will have some belly movement and movement to your sides and movement to your back. But I always think it's much better to focus on your sides Because very often people, when they focus on their belly, they're pushing and pulling their belly, which has nothing got to do with their breathing. And it's a good gage of the generation of what's called intra-abdominal pressure, that when you breathe in, that your ribs are gently moving out. Because this is what's giving you a good indication of the recruitment of the diaphon and from that then stabilization of the spine. So the diaphragm breathing muscle is really important because when you breathe with good recruitment of the diaphragm, it's also a calming effect on the mind. The diaphon and the brain are connected. When we think of the phrenic nerve, and then we think of the mental health condition such as schizophrenia and schizophrenic.

So earlier on, you were talking about that work by Stanford, which I think is so cool, that there's a structure in the brain that's literally spying on our breathing. Now, we can use that to our advantage. Don't breathe fast, don't breathe shallow, because you're telling the brain that you're under threat, and your brain is going to arouse you from sleep and put you into this stress mode. So now we're talking about, well, say, for example, we have five minutes to spare. And instead of just scrolling aimlessly, wasting time on our mobile phone, give ourselves a little bit of attention. Getting attention out of the mind and holding your attention to your breath, which in turn is training your brain to be focused, but not just about awareness, it's also about changing the physiology. So if you have your hands, again, just gently on either side of your lower ribs. And as you're breathing in, that you're breathing in for a count of five. You're breathing in, two, three, four, five, out, two, three, four, five, in, two, three, 4, 5, out, 2, 3, 4, 5, in, 2, 3, 4, 5, out, 2, 3, 4, 5, in, 2, 3, 4, 5, out, 2, 3, 4, 5, in, 2, 3, 4, 5, out, 2, 3, 4, 5.

Now, I will say Mel, say, for example, if we have somebody with pretty poor breathing, and they're breathing 20 breaths per minute, I would say, don't go from 20 breaths down to six all of a sudden. Gently soft in your breathing, but slow it down to a level that's comfortable for you. If you're starting off What you could be doing is maybe breathing in for 2 seconds and out for 3. So that's slowing down the respiratory rate down to 12 breaths per minute, in for 3 seconds and out for 5. So during rest, we always need to think of the exhalation. It should be about one and a half to two times the inhalation, the length of the inhalation.

Could you say that again about the length of the exhalation versus the inhalation with the normal nose breathing? Because you've said repeatedly, the exhalation is the most important part.

Yeah. The speed of the exhalation during rest should be about one and a half to two times that of the inhalation. And you can play with it. I'll give you an example. If I'm having a meeting that's pretty intense, I don't want to go into that meeting breathing fast and shallow. I will deliberately, in that situation, nobody even knows what I'm doing. I could be sitting down or I could be standing outside the door waiting to go in. I will just take a soft breath in through my nose. I don't even time it. A soft breath in through my nose and a really slow and relaxed and gentle breath out. Because by doing that, I'm telling my brain that everything is okay. I'm also taking my attention out of my mind and onto the breath to put the critical mind aside because I want to go into that meeting and I want to be in a state of mind that I'm fully there, that I'm listening with all of my attention, not just lost in thought. Now, I would say, don't wait until the important meeting before you start to do it. Start bringing it into your way of life.

There is a story you're going to tell us.

Yes. There's a really well-known doctor from Italy called Bernardi, and he did a study back, I think it's in 2000. He looked at the breathing that was taking place when people were saying prayers of different fates. So one was mantras, and the other was the rosary, which is a prayer from the Catholic faith. And both, whether it was a mantra or the rosary, both of them lowered the risk part right down to six breaths per minute. It's brilliant. Now, I think there's something really brilliant in this, that when we think of people who are saying prayers, it wasn't just from a spiritual and psychological aspect, but it was also the effect it was having on their body and mind physiologically. It's so cool that this information was always out there, and now it's time to start embracing it.

Well, it's one of There are two reasons why I asked you the question in the very beginning, what's the purpose? I was thinking about it from a neurological, scientific standpoint, but there's something so much deeper that it really is the quality of your life that you have within you if you take the advice and you apply this research to your life, and you start to teach yourself how to use the tool of normal nose breathing and longer exhales, and you keep talking about this soft and gentle, that this is something that your body was hardwired with, a natural intelligence. And so it's really cool that the research shows that when people are in a state of being present, in a state of purpose, in a state of deeper connection, that you naturally, your body naturally drops in to this breathing. Today, we are talking about how you can protect yourself from other people's bad moods, how you deal with annoying coworkers. And boy, oh, boy, do we have a juicy question at the end of this conversation today from Celeste about gossip. You are going to just love her question. And I'm so excited because we all have stories about dealing with people who are energy suckers, and I am bringing some stories today.

But I want to make sure that you leave with some tools. And so I not only got some of the fun stories you're going to relate to from my own life, but I've got really visual metaphors and tools that are simple to remember. They're sticky. You can teach them to anybody. One, you're going to learn how to put up an energetic force field. Two, we're going to talk about strategies for how you protect yourself from other people's baloney. And three, I'm going to teach you how to keep yourself in a positive mood, because that means no matter what's going on around you, you can be a force for good, and you can protect your own energy, even when people are testing your patience or trying to suck your energy dry. So let's jump right in with a question from a listener named Veronica. Hi, Mel. It's Veronica. In the workplace, and I'm sure in other spaces, too, I find that there are some people who, whether they are conscious of it or not, project their panic panic and anger in emails and communications, which more often than that turns my fine day into panic and anger as well.

They are people who bring the house down with them. How can you hear what they are saying and not be emotionally affected by it? Thank you. Veronica, that example of the emails, when you get a text in all caps, or you get one of those emails where you can hear the edge in somebody's voice, and you're just like, Why? Why are you doing verbal diarrhea at me right now through this email? Because you would not speak to me this way. I have this story. I was in Los Angeles last week, and we were checking in at the front desk, and this woman comes huffing and puffing from the elevators. She's doing that walk where people are really hustling and shuffling on the floor, and their elbows are really pointy, like they're trying to pump their arms to make them walk even faster and with more authority. And she had this high pony, and it was swinging in the air. And she had a really fancy piece of luggage she was dragging, a duffle bag. And then there was this woman behind her, huffing and puffing behind her, too. And they walk right up next to us at the front desk, and she slams her hands on the table, as Chris and I are in the middle of talking to the woman who's checking us in.

Now, keep in mind, the woman who's checking us in, it's probably 9:15 at night in Los Angeles. She looks like she's probably 24. And I assume, given that I have a 24-year-old daughter, and I have a 22-year-old daughter, that she is probably a recent college grad who has majored in hospitality. And now she is in a two-year intern program where she is working in a hotel in a city she doesn't live in, and she's got that big blazer on that doesn't fit quite right. And you can tell that she's exhausted. And so I got this huffy, puffy, annoying woman next to me who is clearly entitled, and she's angry. What is she angry about? Oh. Well, the doors to her balcony. They don't close all the way. I didn't even know there were balconies on the rooms in this hotel. I mean, I'm not in that room. So she starts venting at this woman, venting at this This 24-year-old woman in a hospitality internship program who does not have the authority to do anything, who is clearly exhausted, and who, by the way, is not responsible for the door to your balcony not working. And so why are you just vomiting on this poor gal?

And you could see the life force just drain out of this woman who was standing at the front desk, and she apologized. She said she would get the manager who wasn't in and would be in in the morning. And then the woman huffed and she puffed. Well, what are you going to do about it now? I can't stand here in the. I can't stand people like this. There's no reason not to be kind to other people. There is no reason not to ask for help in a polite manner, because Because the people that you're asking for help from almost never are responsible for the thing that's not working. And the person that's emailing you at work who's all frustrated because of the Q4 numbers and the boop, boop, boop, boop, and the client this, and the You're not responsible for the stuff that's stressing them out. And so here's what I did in that moment, because a couple of things happened in that story. Number one, that woman's bitchy behavior and entitlement, it's contagious. And when somebody's yelling at you, whether it's an email or you're separated by the front desk at the hotel that you're working at, it still gets all over you.

I think about the visual almost like, if you've ever walked your dog and they jump into muddy water, or they roll in the mud, or heaven forbid, you're walking on the beach, and there's a big, nasty, rotting fish on the beach, and your dog runs right up to it before you can get to the dog, and now your dog is rolling all in it, and it's like, blah, blah, blah, blah, It just hits you. And when somebody is in a positive or a nasty mood, it's like a muddy dog shaking, and that energy gets all over to you. And what does a wet, dirty dog always do when that dog gets up to you? They shake. And when they shake, all of that negative, nasty, muddy, fish, blah, blah, blah, blah, that you protect your energy. And for me, I normally speak up when I see this thing, because normally, I have really great energy, and I'm not going to let somebody get away with that. But the truth is, I was really tired. I had just I'm on a cross country, and we were in town to do something that was weighing on my mind, and I just didn't want to get into a fight with somebody who clearly had an ax to grind with absolutely anybody.

And I'm not going to change this person Anyway. And so what I do in those moments, when I start seeing that muddy dog shake or that high ponytail start flapping her mouth and being rude, is number one, I take a deep breath. That's it. I just take a deep breath. And there's a breath technique that you can use called 4, 7, 8. I don't remember who came up with this. I'm sure some will We'll put it in the show notes. But you breathe in for four seconds. Hold it for seven. Then out for eight. And I read somewhere that the eight part is the most important, because when you breathe out for longer than you breathed in, it sends a signal to your nervous system that it's okay to relax. And the 4,7,8 breathing technique will start the relaxation response in your body. And so if you get that all-cap text from a friend, or you get that really rude email from a colleague, or you're standing somewhere in public, and some jerk is violating the person, and you just don't have the energy to go, Hey, you don't I'm not going to be rude about it.

Do the 4, 7, 8 breathing technique to signal the relaxation response in your body to protect your energy. I have a second tactic That I love. Oh my gosh, I love this. Here's the visual. I use this all the time. In fact, I just used this in a different situation last night. I call it the globe. So have you ever had a snow globe as a kid? It's that glass ball, and in it, they have these typically around the holidays, or if you go to a museum or a gift store at a theme park, they tend to sell them there. I don't know why, but it's this glass ball, and in it is usually some scene. Imagine a holiday tree, some reinders, something like that comes to mind. Or you could think about the palace. What's that? Cinderella's Palace at Disney. They probably have snow globes with Cinderella's Palace at Disney, right? What happens when you pick up a snow globe and you shake it? All of that crap in it starts flying around. You know what that crap is? It's like that wet dog mud. Think about a snow globe the next time you are around anybody who gives you attitude.

Because when you picture the person like the chick with the high ponytail trapped in her own little snow globe. And there she is, bitching and barking about something and spewing her negative energy everywhere. But if you think and picture her having her tantrum in a snow globe, let me out of here. And all of that sparkly stuff is what gets shaken up and all the negative energy. If you visualize her inside the snow globe, you can laugh at her, and it doesn't get on you. So I use this even And a couple of days ago, I was at a coffee shop, and again, at another airport, and we were standing in line, and we ordered coffee, and they were super, super busy, and it was taking a long time. And I looked at the watch. We had 20 minutes before the flight was going to leave, and Chris was getting testy with me because he's the person, my husband, that we have the opposite travel languages. So my travel language is be the last person on the plane. Get to the gate as late as possible without missing the plane. Spend as little time in the airport as possible.

Chris, on the other hand, he basically likes to stroll through an airport. He likes to sit at the gate for a while and get comfortable and read his book and enjoy his coffee. He loves getting there early. And so we have the exact opposite travel language. He has agreed to stand in this long line with me to get a cup of coffee. He's starting to get agitated, not quite snow globe agitated, but you can tell he's getting nervous, and his coffee comes out. And so I said, Why don't you take it and go and hold the plane for me? I'll be right there. So he leaves, and now it's taking a minute and another minute, and another minute. And I start to realize, Holy cow, I'm going to miss this plane. I start to realize, Holy cow, I actually need to leave. And so I go to the counter and I say to the woman who's... They are really busy. I mean, you can tell she's stressed. And I'm not like the lady with the ponytail. I just lean forward and say, Hey, is the drink for Mel about to be done? Because otherwise, I'm going to just have to say, give it to somebody.

And she, like she had a tantrum. I'm doing the best of my hand. She erupted. See, when somebody throws a tantrum, here's what I know. What I know is they're having trouble tolerating all the negative emotion that they're feeling. This woman behind the counter is feeling a ton of pressure. She's She's frustrated. I'm sure other people have been rude to her. And my question to her, it was the straw that broke the camel's back. She just couldn't handle the negativity and the stress anymore in her body. And so she had a tantrum. She exploded at me. Whatever. She's allowed to have a tantrum. It's a stressful job. I get it. And because I can picture her inside her own little snow globe, having her own little tantrum, all the sparkly stuff flying all around her, that's her negative energy. It stays Always inside the snow globe. I said, no problem. Totally understand. And I left and went to my plane. And you know what? I didn't let it bother me. And that's the beauty of these strategies. See, there are always going to be people and situations in life that are triggering. The world is full of jerks and people who cannot tolerate their own emotional experience.

And when you do the 4, 7, 8 breath to trigger a relaxation response inside yourself, you take control. When you visualize whomever it is, whether it's the colleagues sitting behind their desk and they're stomping on their keyboard, having their own little tantrum in their little cubicle inside their little snow globe, You protect yourself. And that way, these emotional vampires that are out there in the world in these emotional vampire-type situations that drain you and your energy, They don't impact you. And this is so important because when you look at the research around human connection, our brains are programmed to connect with other human beings. That's how we're wired. It's part of our biology, our physiology. In fact, we seek out connection. We want meaningful bonds, because when we do that, it not only feels good, but your brain releases oxytocin, which is a wonderful feel-good chemical in In your brain, it rewards that thing. And if we feel disconnected, we feel unsafe. And in fact, if we're around somebody else who's stressful or weird or hostile, like the chick with the ponytail, do you know what happens? Your brain releases yet another chemical. This one's called cortisol.

And cortisol is the stress hormone. And so you immediately not only sense that something's off with this person, but you also also have this chemical physiological response. I think that's why we often label people's behavior as toxic, or icky, or gross, because it feels that way to you, just like a dog that is shaking and gets their mud all over you. I think we know, common sense-wise, that people's moods and energy are contagious. But there's a new study by scientists at Oxford and Birmingham University that show that bad moods, they're not only contagious, they're more infectious than good moods. And on top of all of this, your brain has something called mirror neurons. Mirror neurons are amazing because what they do is in nanoseconds, They can process and register any human beings' facial expression, body language, tone of voice. It's absolutely unbelievable. And what ends up happening is your mirror neurons make you start to mirror the same emotions as the people around you. This is why when you're watching a movie and that sappy music comes on or somebody in the movie starts to cry, your mirror neurons are what are triggering you to start welling up, too.

And they also work for the positive. If you look at somebody eye to eye, and you hold eye contact, and you flash a huge toothy smile, it takes less than five seconds for the mirror neurons and the person who you are looking at and smiling at to kick in, and that person will not be able to help themselves but smile back. And this is important for you to know because it works both for the good, you can catch really good energy. And when it comes to bad energy, that's easier to catch. So what is the nervous system? I used to think that the nervous system meant the nerves in your body. Well, I was wrong. Look, your nervous system is so much more than the nerves in your body. Your nervous system is a huge network and live system that includes your brain, spinal cord, your gut, and the network of nerves that connects and operates and communicates it all. So whenever you're listening to an expert talk about your neurology or your chemistry or biology or physiology or the way that synapses or neurons or all these fancy words fire and wire together, what they're describing is how your nervous system operates, and it operates in a way to keep you alive and to keep your body functioning.

And most importantly, your nervous system is also designed to remember things that are threatening. And that's where trauma comes in. Because my goal here is to make this simple and to make this feel like something that is good news, because when you spot it, holy smokes, you can take take the steps to repair this and experience more joy. And so you know I love my metaphors. So let's use one here on this topic of trauma and nervous system repair, because that's going to keep this very visual, and it also makes this less heavy. Okay? Because we're in the We're not in the repair zone. We're not in the live in the trauma zone, okay? When I think about my nervous system, from this point forward, whenever somebody says nervous system, I want you to think about electricity and the wiring in your home. Whether you live in an apartment or you live in a house, there is wires in those walls, and there is power and electricity coursing through them, and it all connects to the light bulbs and the fire alarms and the smoke detectors, and it connects everything. Those wires, it powers it.

And when the wiring in the building works properly, you know what happens? Easy-breezy. You flip a switch, it's like magic. The lights come on. Things are smooth. They're predictable. You You can even dim them up and down whenever you want to. You're in control. They're steady, they're bright, they glow. Isn't it wonderful electricity? And the smoke alarms. We love our smoke alarms. Alarms are important because when they're working properly, when the batteries are charged, they're silent, which means we can sit in our beautiful, bright, wonderful, glowy apartment, and we can enjoy our lives. And they stay silent unless there's a real emergency, and they need to sound the alarm. Your nervous system is the wiring in your house. That's what it is. It's powering you. It's connecting everything. And it is designed to be reliable. It's designed to be consistent. It is designed to dim up and dim down. It is designed to come on and to come off. Trauma, and these experiences that you and I have lived through, it's just any experience that puts a nick in the wiring. That's it. Like a little mouse that has chewed through the wire. Oops, the light went out.

Or maybe you have something big happen. I don't know, you're doing some demo and you knock down the wrong wall. Somebody knocks down the wrong wall. And next thing you know, boom, the whole thing is blown. Or maybe it's a circuit breaker that gets overwhelmed and it just flips off, and it's no longer working. Or when the batteries run low in your fire alarms, and in the middle of the night, it's like, peep, peep, peep. Even You know there's nothing wrong. It's going off. It's so annoying. That's what it's like to live with a nervous system that needs repair. When your nervous system needs repair, it's because the wiring inside you has damage to it. That's it. That's all that it is. And it's like the lights are blinking, or they don't turn on when you need them to turn on, or the fire alarm is going off, and nothing is wrong. And what I'm here to tell you is Is when you recognize that trauma is what caused this issue, but you have within you the power to find the little break and to repair it so that the energy inside of you flows freely and is steady and is bright and is reliable.

Holy cow. Your whole life changes because you don't feel on edge anymore. You can relax. You can be at peace. You can let love in because you're not having the energy, and you like not work right. I love this metaphor so much because when I visually see the simplicity of how you repair things and how you get the lights back on and working again, we can apply that to the tools you're about to learn. And I'm not trying to downplay the trauma you may have experienced. I'm trying to lift up and highlight the power that you have inside you to heal this. And so let me give you an example. In the last house that we lived in outside of Boston, from the very day, 15 years ago, that we had bought our fridge, the person that installed it nicked the water line, and the ice maker never worked. And because the fridge was jammed into a cabinet, we couldn't pull it out to fix it. And so for the last 15 years, I have had a refrigerator that does not make ice. I personally love ice. I love ice in my drinks. So this has always been a big pet peeve of mine.

And so When we moved to Vermont, the number one thing on my wishlist was an ice maker. Like, not just the ice maker in the fridge, but a real, true ice maker with a scoop. Like, this was the thing I really wanted. And so, here's what's happened. I don't know what's wrong with our ice maker, but our ice maker constantly overwhelms the electrical circuit in this house. Honest to goodness, three to four times a week, I go to open the thing up, and it's either drained of all the ice or the light is off, and it's because the circuit could not handle the surge. And so what did it do? It just shut down. That is the exact same thing that happens to you in some situations. There's a situation that triggers something, and you have this surge of emotion that you can't handle, and you shut down. And so several times a week, I have to go down in the basement. I got to open up the circuit breaker panel, and every time I go down there, I'm like, Why have we labeled this thing in pencil that I can barely even read? I need to get a Sharpie, and I have to line up the label with where the breaker is and find the breaker that is flipped off and count the numbers down the left-hand side and then count to where I think the thing is.

And then I finally find the little switch, and I flip it back on, and boom. Electricity is flowing again. And I'm using that example because Because I do this three or four times a week. That ice maker, it is overwhelming the circuits. It is a fact. At some point, we might have to replace the actual, I don't know, wiring or the thing it plugs into. Not sure what's going on there. But I can find the switch, and I can flip it, and it works again. And in doing that, I'm repairing the connection so that everything runs smoothly. And so when people talk It's all about nervous system repair, it's the exact same thing. That there are deliberate things that you can do to basically notice when the lights go out, or they're blinking, or there's an alarm going off, or there's a surge of a motion that overwhelms you. And when that happens, you find the fuse box, you find the switch that got flipped, and you simply flip it back, and things will run smoothly. And the more that you do this, the faster you will repair your nervous system. And what happens when you repair your nervous system is that situations that typically trigger you to feel a flood of emotion, and either shut down or snap at people, or get frustrated, or whatever your version of that is, when that alarm comes on, the anxiety that you feel.

That when you start to practice the tools, and it begins with awareness, honestly, you are doing the work to repair your nervous system. And the more that you do this, the less triggered you get, the less overwhelmed you become when you're in difficult situations, the more you can tolerate and handle emotions that are uncomfortable. And that means you feel more capable You feel more in control, you feel proud of yourself. So let me give you a few examples of how this plays out in terms of having a nervous system that was dysregulated because of trauma, and that is in in need of repair right now. So let's just say, a lot of you write in about this, that you grew up with a really verbally abusive parent. I guarantee you, as soon as you heard the front door open or their car pull up in the driveway at the end of a workday. It's almost like my ice maker. There was a surge of emotion. It got overwhelming, and something either shut down or the alarm went off inside you. That's what happened. Now, you It didn't manually turn on the alarm or shut down the switch.

It's your dad's presence. It just triggered the alarm. And you were smart. You were really smart to get overwhelmed and to be triggered because he was unpredictable. And so being on high alert, sounding the alarm, feeling that surge of emotion, that was a good thing in that situation because it kept you safe. Now, here's the problem. The problem is now, 30 years later, It's 6:00. You're fine. You don't live with your father. You're safe. You've been in therapy. But it's six o'clock, and you can't explain. Why do you feel on edge at the end of the workday? Why do you feel on edge when somebody pulls into the driveway? Why do you feel on edge when the sun starts to go down, I'll tell you why you feel on edge. You don't remember this, not consciously, but your nervous system sure does. So that's why you can't put your finger on it. I want you to consider this is an This is an example of trauma. This is an example of why repairing your nervous system, that's how you change your experience of life when six o'clock rolls around. Because just like I didn't want to continue to wake up every morning and feel like something was wrong.

Repairing my nervous system is how I am now able to wake up every morning and feel okay. I don't even feel nervous or anxious about it. I feel perfectly fine because I have repaired the trauma that I experienced in fourth grade. Or here's another example. Maybe you weren't the greatest student when you were younger. So walking into a classroom or being asked to read something out loud when you were seven years old felt like a life-threatening situation to your little brain because you stuttered or you couldn't read very well and your friends laughed. And so now let's fast forward 20 years, and you're wondering, why do I keep getting passed over for a promotion at I work at this consulting firm that I work at. I work hard, I put in long hours, my clients all love me. I'll tell you why. It's because you're not vocal or visible at work. And you can blame trauma for that. Because every time you walk into a meeting, Or you've got to advocate for yourself, or you've got to present something to your boss. Guess what happens? Your nervous system remembers what it was like to be called on when you were seven years old, and you feel this wave of emotions, just like my ice maker sends this wave of energy at the breaker, and then you shut down.

You don't speak up as much, you don't advocate for yourself, you're not as aggressive as you need to be, and that's why you're getting passed over. You have the same responses as an adult, like you did as a kid. Now, you know what to do, and here's where it gets interesting. This is not about what's in your head. It's what's remembered in your body. This is all about the surge of emotion and feeling. Now, I know that this is a lot, but I want to underscore that there's really good There's really good news because when you spot this, you can fix this. You can repair your nervous system. And when you do, you will be able to feel more relaxed. You'll be more in control. You'll be more competent, more capable. You'll put yourself out there more. You'll take more risks, and you will experience more joy. And I want to remind you one more thing that I think is really encouraging. I didn't know any of this four years ago. Four years ago, I was still waking up, feeling like something was wrong, and I was still running around like a lunatic, super busy.

You want to know why? Also trauma. Because if you think about what happened to me, I was sound asleep. When I woke up and found that kid on top of me, I had been in a safe, sound asleep situation. So of course, I don't feel comfortable being still. If I'm busy, nobody can catch me. Nobody can hurt me. And I didn't trace that addiction to busyness back to that 4th-grade incident until literally a couple of years ago. And so I'm telling you all this because that's a relatively short amount of time, and it's a relatively short amount of time for me to completely transform what it's like to live in my body and in my mind, and how I'm showing up in relationships. My old friends will tell you, I am a completely different person today, and it has to do with repairing my nervous system. If you lean into what I'm talking about, this is liberating, because I realize there's nothing wrong with me, and there's nothing wrong with you. You and I, we just have a nervous system that needs a little attention. Maybe you need to tighten some screws, maybe you need to replace some wiring, maybe you need to flip a switch and check the circuit breaker.

No problem. You can do all that. And so my goal today is to make you think differently, completely differently, about your own power, and to really see your nervous system as a source of your power, and as a source of peace, and of confidence that you can tap into. And so for me, what happened when we did this project back in 2019, is I started to get really serious about the connection between past trauma and traumatic experiences, and situations where my nervous system is like, ding, ding, ding, ding, I've done just about everything. I've been in therapy. Chris and I have been in therapy. I have done this EMDR, which we'll talk about more in other episodes, which is this eye movement therapy. Again, a trauma modality. I have incorporated cold exposure, ice baths, that stuff as a way to train my nervous system. I've done several guided psychedelic therapy, I've been doing things with psychiatrists that have been profoundly moving and helpful. And I am here to tell you that it is possible to heal the disruption that you feel in your body? Even if you're sitting here listening and you're saying yourself, I really don't think I have any trauma, Mel.

That may be true, I doubt it, but here's Here's what you do have. You have a nervous system. And if you're tired of getting irritated when somebody cuts you off in traffic, and then you can't shake how rattled you feel, if you get completely worked up about the dumbest things, or you just cannot stop worrying all the time, I want to tell you something. This all comes back to your nervous system, too. If you want to be successful in business, get your nervous system in repair. I have had more success now that I have a nervous system that is working with me and that keeps me confident and calm and cool-headed than ever before. And so this impacts everything. And I'm going to talk about this because I'm getting a lot of questions about those of you that can't focus, that you're having trouble prioritizing the business that you want to launch. And I want you to truly consider that the nervous system repair Care is a really critical piece to you being able to operate on all cylinders, to do your best thinking, and to achieve the results that you want. Check out this question from a listener named Usge.

Hello, Mel. So the biggest The biggest thing I'm struggling with is my new mindset I want to keep up with. I want my mindset be out of survival mode because right now I feel like I'm standing in my own way, which sucks a lot. Thanks a lot for your hard work. I'm sending lots of love from Germany.

I don't mean to laugh, but that part at the end, which sucks a lot. I mean, that was just so cute. Anytime anybody says survival mode, That, to me, is code for past trauma. If you are in survival mode, if you cannot focus, if you're triggered all the time and highly emotional and you're taking things personally, please focus on nervous system repair, because your lights are blinking right now. And somewhere back in the subconscious, there is an alarm whose battery is dying, and it is going beep, beep, beep, beep. And I am here to tell you, and this comes from research at UCLA, one of the reasons why Nervous System Repair is so critical, this is research from Dr. Judith Willis, is that when your nervous system is dysregulated, and you are in this state where the lights are blinking or the alarm is going off, which the way we talk about it, is you feel on edge. Everything that Ouzge is talking about, I can't focus, I can't do this, I'm getting triggered every day. The reason why you can't focus is because when your nervous system is triggered like that, it overrides the prefrontal cortex and the cognitive region of your brain.

You can't focus because your nervous system is He's in control. Repairing your nervous system so you're not going through your day-to-day life in survival mode, feeling triggered, feeling untethered, feeling like something is about to happen. Repairing your nervous system is what will improve your focus because you can't focus if your nervous system is in control. This isn't just common sense, it's science. It is possible to go from being a person who feels on edge, waiting waiting for the next shoe to drop, like everything is wrong, triggered, to being calm, cool, and centered. And I have come to believe, based on my own experience, my husband's experience, the research that we've been doing, the research that's out there, that all mental health issues do not begin in the mind. They begin in your nervous system. Because the truth is that you feel a sensation in your body first, and that sensation in your body then triggers your mind to try to make sense of it. If you're still listening to this, and you're like, This isn't me. I got 55 people I'm going to forward this to, because they need to hear this. Just stop. Absolutely everybody, particularly after the past three years, just think about what you just lived through.

There's not a single human being that can sit on 50 hours of Zoom calls a week and work for home while your kids are underfoot, and the dog is there, and nobody knows what's going on, and masks, and all of this. We're not built for this. Of course, the lights are blinking. Of course, you cannot focus. Of course, you're having trouble with procrastinating, and stress, and anxiety. And it's not just documented in the research. This is freaking common It makes sense. We have lived in a state of uncertainty sustained for three years. The alarm system in your body has gone off, and it's not just you. I've given over 150 presentations in the last year about the research related to productivity, to stress, to mindset, whether I've been talking to Microsoft, or Starbucks, or J. P. Morgan, or Biogen, or Compass Real Estate, absolutely everybody, including you, is having trouble focusing and being productive, and it's because of our nervous system. We have not gone into our fuse box and found the switch and flipped ourselves back into normal operating mode, and it's time we do it. This is not a conversation for losers. This is a conversation for winners.

I don't want to operate with blanking lights. I am sick of this crap. So I am going to show you that there is a treasure inside of you, in your body, that you You have within you the ability to heal your nervous system. You have within you this incredible switch. It is literally like a circuit breaker fuse that you can locate and you can flip on and off in moments where, just like my ice maker, there is that surge. Or just like those situations where you don't know why, but you just suddenly feel overwhelmed or triggered or on edge. And what you're about to learn, this is it. If you want to achieve your goals, if you want to knock it out of the park this year, if you'd like to make more money than you ever thought possible and also enjoy it while you do it, are you interested in being more confident, more present, happier, content? Well, then take this next part of the conversation seriously, because when we come back, I am going to bring you back home into your body. I'm going to show you simple ways that you can settle your mind, your body, and spirit when life triggers you.

And I want you to get serious about this. So now that you understand what the nervous system is, we got to go a layer deeper, because we are not going to be screwing around with the wiring unless you really understand what's going on. I don't know if you've ever had a situation where somebody in your family is like, Oh, I'll just repair the light You're like, No, we better make sure that, Don't you dare? Got to turn off the breaker, make sure you're safe. And so, let's go a layer deeper here. When you start to do nervous system repair, I want you to understand that The nervous system repair is your ability to switch between the two nervous systems that you have. That's right. You have two nervous systems. You have a parasympathetic nervous system, and you have a sympathetic nervous system. And when you're happy, safe, when the lights are flowing the way they need to, when the dimmers work, when the alarms off, that is your parasympathetic nervous system. That's the one we want to flip on, okay? That's the nervous system that allows you to relax. It allows you to tap into your confidence.

It allows you to focus. It allows you to do your best work. It allows you to let in love and experience joy. I love, love, love the parasympathetic nervous system. Now, the other nervous system is the one that we need to deal with, and that's the sympathetic nervous system, which is a really weird name because sympathetic is what researchers call the fight or flight nervous system. Sympathetic is the alarm bell. It's the part of the nervous system that got turned on during traumatic situations. It got turned on as you were experiencing discrimination or poverty, or teasing, or abandonment, or any of the various things that we've talked about that could trigger a traumatic experience. And here's the thing: if that sympathetic nervous system gets flipped on, it can get You're stuck there. And what you have to repair is you've got to repair it by turning it off when you get triggered. I am telling you that part of the reason why we're having a hard time reclaiming Our confidence, and our focus, and our presence, and our contentment in this world today is because we are all in a state where our fight or flight, or fawn, or freeze, nervous system is still on, and we're going to turn it off today.

And here's how we're going to do it. Because you've got this wiring, right? Running through your body, just like electricity runs through the walls of a house. And the electricity is always there. Nervous system and the wiring is always there. But in order to turn the lights on and off, you flip a switch. And there is a switch inside you. This is so cool. I wish they taught this to kids in school. This should be human being 101. When they hand a baby a car seat to parents, they should also give them a little pamphlet about the vagus nerve, because we all need to know this. This is a game changer. The vagus nerve is a treasure in your body. And for free, you can learn how to use it to soothe yourself, to gain your confidence, to flip between being on edge and being calm. And you want to be calm, because when you're calm, When you're calm, you can make better decisions. When you're calm, you're present in your life. When you're calm and confident and safe and secure in your body, you're a better leader. You're better with your family. This is the heart of everything.

Because if you're running around like I used to run around, feeling on edge and dysregulated and easily triggered, this is a nervous system issue. That's what this is. This is your This is your nervous system revved up. This is you living on edge, as if something's wrong. You know when you get a text, and you immediately feel like you've done something wrong, and then you rewrite the text 15 times and you throw an emoji so nobody's mad at you. You want to know why you do that? Your nervous system. You're on edge. Everything's a threat. Everything makes you triggered. And so When I got serious about this, I discovered the vagus nerve. And the vagus nerve is our secret to changing this. It is a light switch that helps you turn the light on or off. I believe that in some way, your life, or the last three years, or the uncertainty that you have come through, or the issues in your life that you have survived, have left the light switch on. You're The nervous system is in a state of alert. That annoying light bulb is blinking in the background, and it's time to turn it off.

And so we're going to turn it off using the vagus nerve. The vagus nerve runs from your seat all the way through your body, through every major organ, through your vocal cords, and all the way up to the top of your head. And the technical term, when you flip the switch, is your, quote, toning the vagus nerve. That's what researchers and neuroscientists say. I just say, Let's just flip the switch. Let's just use the vagus nerve. And there's lots of ways that you can do this. So the vagus nerve, when you hum, when you sing, I think one of the reasons why so many of us love singing, whether you're singing in a religious ceremony, or you're singing with friends, or you're singing in the car as you're driving, you don't realize this. But in addition to just music's awesome, is that when you are singing, you are flipping the switch on the vagus nerve in your vocal cords. Another way that you can flip the switch is high-fiving your heart. So we wrote about this in the high-five habit. You just take your hands And let's do this together right now. We're going to put our hands right in the center of our chest.

Put one hand right on top of the other. Okay? And then we're going to take a breath together. Here we go. And I I want you to just push in because I really want your vagus nerve to know, Okay, we're going to turn you on. We're going to take another breath in. And then you're going to repeat three sentences with me. I'm okay. I'm safe. I'm loved. And I bet even just in those 15 seconds, you felt yourself come back home into your body. And if you can hear yourself even thinking those three things, I'm okay, I'm safe. I'm loved. It's true in this moment. And it's a way for you to signal to the vagus nerve that you've just pressed on, that you're okay right now. It's okay. We can flip the switch off. We can come back into our body. And one of the cool things about this high-fiving your heart is we We did a study with 164,000 people in 91 countries. So a study with 164,000 data points. And this worked for absolutely everybody that tried it as a calming tool. That a lot of kids started using it in school.

You get picked on, you go into the bathroom, high five your heart, you can come back to your center. You can flip off the alarm that got triggered by some kid picking on you, and And you can flip the switch and come back into your confidence. People at work, you do a presentation and everybody stares at you like you got four heads, and nobody says good job, and you get triggered. Of course, you get triggered. Put your hands on the heart. Come back into your body. Flip the switch off. Regain your calm, confident self. This is available to you, and I want you to use it because I don't think you realize how much your nervous system getting triggered. When somebody cuts you off in traffic, there it goes. See? Everybody's out to get me. No, they're not. Hands on the heart. Come back into your body. Turn the lights off. Flip the switch. Get your power back. Another way you can do this, take a warm bath. Just go soak in a tub. It's amazing. I love doing that. Absolutely love doing that. And another way that you can do this, you see this all over the Internet.

Cold exposure therapy. Now, I have a tub that I climb into. I hate it. Absolutely hate it. But this has been transformational because when you put yourself in a situation, whether you're jumping into a lake, or you're sitting in a cold bathtub, or whatever, standing in a cold shower, just end your shower with 30 seconds of cold water. It sucks. And what you're doing is you're exposing your body to a situation where your nervous system turns on. The lights go on, baby, when you climb into 34 degree water, and it freaks out. And then you calm yourself down by breathing. And you are training yourself that even in situations where I get triggered, even in situations that are awful, like 34 degree water that I'm sitting in, I have the power to flip this switch and calm my ass down, breathe through it, and I know that I'm going to be okay. That's a freaking superpower. I know what you're thinking. You're like, Are you shitting me, Mel Robbins? You're telling me to deal with trauma by taking a freaking bath? You're telling me that I can handle abuse from childhood and poverty and all this crap that I've had to deal with my nerve, losing my spouse by taking a cold shower?

What is wrong with you, woman? Yeah, I am telling you that because this is not about the shower. This is not about the bath. This is about you and your nervous system. This is about you training yourself, that you have the power to be okay, no matter what's going on around you, that you are bigger than the things that you survived. That, yeah, by standing in a shower, you're training yourself your sofa confidence, for the capacity to feel something and get triggered and not let it hijack your life. That's what this is about. And when you do that, You take that new you into your life. You take a person who has the capacity to have shit go sideways in your life and not get hijacked by it. You become You're not the person that could have survived horrendous trauma and be able to heal yourself over time. You become someone. There is this incredible power in you. I've spent my whole life feeling rattled and on edge. And I'm telling you, I got serious about healing my nervous system and understanding the role that it plays in my day-to-day life. And understanding how when I'm easily triggered and on edge, I'm a shitty mom.

And don't even get me started about what a nightmare spouse I am. When I'm nervous and on edge, I make the people that work for me nervous and on edge. I am a better leader, a better parent, a better wife, and I am a way better Mel in terms of what I'm experiencing. And so I've already explained the therapy, EMDR, The guided psychedelic therapy that we have done both as a couple, as individuals. We've recently done something guided by therapists as a family, which was extraordinary. And high-fiving your heart, humming, chanting, All of these things that tone your vagus nerve. But there are two other things that you can do that are free that will help you dip a toe in the water of exploration. One is audit your day. Just keep a notebook. This is free. And just notice when the wave emotion comes up. And all you have to do is just write down just what happened and what triggered it. Was it a particular thing somebody said? Was it a look on their face? Was it just a feeling that you got? And just become curious about it. Not like, Oh, something's wrong, but just like, Oh, interesting.

I wonder where that faulty switch is. I wonder where that little nick is. Where's that little mouse that chewed on something that's making... That's a blinking light. That's all that is. So get curious about it, and then start to ask yourself, when you get home tonight, you sit down, it's quiet, When else have I felt like this? When else in my life, or who else have I felt this around? What situations did I have a similar thing? And you'll start to be able to trace back. And that is a pattern of responding to a certain type of situation, a certain way. And so you can do this free audit, and that will help you become more self-aware. And that then helps you to apply the tools you just learned in those moments when you feel the surge coming. It also helps you avoid those situations. It helps you talk to somebody about those situations. And one other thing that you can do is journaling is an incredible way to either start or end your day and start to forge not only new neural pathways, but new stories and new awareness around these things. One prompt that you can use that we've talked about is, How can I make this easy?

Another thing that you could do if what you're seeking is peace, is you could write, How can I make today peaceful? How could I make myself feel safe today? Those are all prompts that you can use to cue your mind, body, and spirit, and your nervous system, that this is something that matters to you, and to really just gain awareness around it. Because you are able to be in control of your emotions. You are able to repair your nervous system, and you can take Take control and not let this response that has been with you for a very long time continue to control you. And that's the opportunity here that's really exciting. If you feel like there's big things that you can't access, that there's this missing piece, that happiness is evading you, that you just can't quite put your finger on why you're in this cycle of relationships, I'm telling you, please take your nervous system seriously. Please Start to investigate more about the vagus nerve. This is one of those topics where I was going to pull out studies and do all this stuff, but there's so many studies on this. It's like meditation.

Which meditation study do you cite? There's so many. The vagus nerve is incredible. The new research coming out about the therapeutic modalities that are helping trauma and depression, all going back to nervous system regulation. Incredible. And your kids are experiencing situations that make their nervous systems sound the alarm. And so you can teach them these tools, too. And when you do what you're training yourself to do is you're training yourself to locate this power source inside you. Because we all know there are going to be things in life that trigger you. Period. There are going to be moments It's where I walk on snow, and I go right back to that car crash. But I don't have to let that memory or that trauma experience then ruin the rest of the day. I can come back into my center and turn the light switch off, I can find my power. There are going to be plenty of people that tell me no in business. And I get bummed, and I get rattled, and I go down the rabbit hole, and I'm not good enough. And I can soak in my misery and I'll follow for a little bit, and then I can locate the switch inside me, and I can turn the alarm off.

And so can you. And when you do, you will discover that not only is there a whole different world out there waiting for you, but there's a whole different you, waiting inside of you, that will allow you to experience happiness and presence at a capacity that you can't imagine. If you've ever You've ever gotten a puppy or a kitten, or you've ever had a baby, or you've ever fallen in love, these experiences make you realize you have a capacity for love that's greater than you realized. Doing the work to locate the vagus nerve and flip the switch on and off and settle my nervous system from disruption and dysregulation and on-edgeness to The calm, cool, okayness. It's been the single biggest change I've ever made in terms of the impact that it's had on the quality of my day-to-day life. And so we're going to do a shitload of shows on this. And I'm going to introduce you to all kinds of things you can do over time. We are just getting started on this. But I think that particularly this time of year, whenever it is that you're listening to this, as you're thinking about ways to be happier and healthier, this is a huge component of it.

And so please, please, locate that switch and start flipping it off. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for checking this video out. And if you like this one, I have a feeling you're going to like this one, too. I'll see you there.