How do you deal with somebody that always has to be right? We've all got somebody like that in our life, whether it's a boss or a friend or a spouse or a parent or a kid, somebody in your life that has to get in the last word, that has to be right, that dominates the conversations. There's a certain way to deal with people like that. And one of the things that I want to make a distinction between before I jump into the tactical advice is I'm always coming from a place of how can you put yourself in control of your mind of your actions and of your emotions. One of the things that's really important is to understand when you're dealing with this person that always needs to be right, is it your ego that's in charge or is it your heart that's in charge? Because if your ego is in charge, you're going to get emotional, you're going to get sucked into the argument, you're going to get combative, or you're going to feel wounded, or you're going to feel attacked. If your heart is in charge and you're in control of the way that you're behaving, you're going to have a totally different experience of the conversation.

So the first things first is, as you're dealing with somebody who always needs to be right, ask yourself, do you even care about what you're talking about? Seriously, five days from now, Are you going to care about what you're talking about? Because if you don't really care, but you're just getting sucked into this because your ego wants to fight this person, that tells me that you're not in control. I work at CNN. I work at Success magazine. I travel around the world speaking to some of the most respected brands in the world. I bump into smart people, people way smarter than me all the time. People that want to have arguments, people that want to be right about things. It's very clear to me when I care about what we're discussing and when I don't. And so first things first, as you're dealing with this person, do you even care? Because if you don't care, just let them do whatever they're doing. It doesn't matter to you.

Second thing, if you do care, here's Here's a tactic that you can use.

If you're dealing with somebody who needs to be right, who's complaining, who's argumentative, I like to visualize somebody who's throwing up. When somebody's throwing up, there's a bunch of vomit coming out of their mouth, and you shouldn't stand in front of it. Step off to the side. Don't let it get on you. That's their stuff coming out. As they're spewing, listen, and then ask them this, Anything else? And they'll spew some more. Anything else? Because what you said was interesting. They'll spew some more. Then all of a sudden, they'll be done. Now, now that they're done, they actually might be able to listen to you. One of the great tactics that you can use, it's a negotiation tactic, is wait for them to spew and then say this. Say, One of the things that you said that I found interesting was X. So repeat something to them about what they just said. The reason why this is an important thing to do is because psychologically, what you've just done is you've just validated this person. You've also shown them that you were listening. The third thing that happens is everything shifts, and they're now ready to listen to you.

I hate to bring politics into this, but I want to play something for you. At the second presidential debate, and this has been one of the most disgusting, vitriolic, awful political moments in US history, but there was an interesting moment in the second presidential debate that really caught my attention. It was the very last question. They had just spent 90 minutes basically tearing each other's eyeballs out. Then they asked one question of both candidates, Is there anything you respect about the other? Actually, both of them stopped being right and arguing with one another, and they actually complimented each other. It was pretty remarkable. Donald Trump said that he actually respected that Hillary Clinton was a fighter. Hillary Clinton said that she really respected the young men and women that Donald Trump's kids have turned out to be.

There was a total tone shift.

You can create that, too, in the person that you're arguing with. Because you got to remember, somebody that's argumentative, somebody that wants to be right all the time, they typically They've been pretty beaten up in life, and this is their weapon that they use to prove their self-worth, to prove that they're important. And so they typically are not getting acknowledged that often. So if you let them spew, you then find one thing that you compliment them on about what they just said. The tone will shift, their ears will open, and they'll actually be able to listen. That, my friend, is how you not only deal with argumentative people and people that need to be right, but it's also how you deal with yourself. It's how you maintain control when somebody else is clearly completely out of control.

Okay, now I want to give you the six simple steps that I use whenever I need to have a difficult conversation. And as a baseline, I also want to say something else. You should try to have these conversations in person, and if you can't have them in person, have them on Zoom. The reason why I like having them in person or having them on Zoom is Because when you can see the person's facial expressions, it just brings a whole level of humanity and understanding and connection to these conversations. And there's way too much that can get misinterpreted if you're on the phone or never have this stuff over text or over email. Do not do that because I think that's a lot of why we need difficult conversations, because there is so much that gets misinterpreted with the written word, okay? So in person on Zoom. So let me give you all six, and then I'm going to unpack them using Claudia's example. So step number one, you start the conversation by stating your why. Step number two, You're going to have a specific singular example of what happened, and then you are going to state how it made you feel.

I felt X when this specific thing happened. Step number four, you're going to listen with your mouse shut. Step number five, you're going to validate whatever you hear. Because whatever you hear is their lived experience. And when you validate whatever you hear, it takes this from an argument back into a conversation. And then six, and final, how you end it, how you get out of this, is you state your why again. And if you have any request related to a boundary or a change in behavior, behavior, you state it then. And that's it. So let me unpack this with Claudia's example, okay? So Claudia's why is very simple. I want to protect my peace. That's her why. Then she's going to have in mind a specific example that happened, and I would recommend that she anchor in on the most recent thing. Based on what she said, the most recent thing is that this friend got really upset with Claudia because Claudia did not return a phone call in the amount of time that this friend expected Claudia to return the phone call. And so the next piece is after saying, I really want to protect my peace.

I want to figure out how we can remove the friction between us. I want to talk specifically about when you got upset with me last week because I didn't return your phone call in the amount of time that you thought I should return it. Now, what Claudia is going to say is, I felt attacked or I felt triggered. I have a lot of past trauma. My mom was really erratic. And when you came at me for something that I felt like I didn't do anything wrong, I literally felt like that little kid again that was getting in trouble for something I didn't do wrong. I don't owe you a phone call back. And that's how I felt when you lashed out at me. Then you're going to listen. Is there anything that you want to say about what happened? And she might be just vomiting stress at you. Just listen. A tactic that I use when somebody is doing that is I will... I've talked about this on other episodes. I call it the snow globe. I imagine the person just inside a snow globe that's shaking up and all that crap coming out of their mouth.

I just let it stay in the snow globe with them. And if you can find one thing to validate, maybe what you're going to learn is, I'm really... Hopefully, they apologize. Maybe they don't. But maybe what you're going to hear is, I've just really stressed out and I really needed you and I had a lot going on, and I told you that I need you to call me back, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. All you're going to say is, I hear you. You needed me. You told me that you needed me to call you back. I can understand how that would make you upset. That's it. That's it. And then 6, you say your why again. I just need to protect my peace, and I want to remove the drama. And so moving forward, please know, I do not return phone calls on demand. And if you need an immediate response, I recommend that you text me and you tell me that you need an immediate response. And I will at least get back to you to let you know if I can respond or not. And that's it. That's it. That is the anatomy of how you have a difficult conversation.

And your why is the most important part. Because imagine if Claudia went in saying, I really want to repair this friendship. The conversation goes a little bit differently, right? Because when you say, I want to protect your peace, you are basically telling this, and I want to try to dissipate the drama between us. And so let's talk about what happened last week, because when you did that, I felt this, and it makes me not want to text you. And I don't want that. I want to just dissipate the drama. What do you need to say? And I'll listen, listen, validate. But imagine if Claudia went in and said, I reallyHow do you want to repair this friendship. That has a very different tone to it, right? Your why is everything, which is why you got to know it going in, and it's why the specific example matters, too. All right, now you have very specific takeaways already in this episode for having a difficult conversation. When we come back, you're going to meet a woman who is having a lot of problems with her husband's ex, and she wants to know, Should I even have a conversation with this person?

Is this going to be a waste of time, or do I need a strategy, Mel? We're going to tackle that when we come back. Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins, and today, you and I are tackling difficult conversations. How to have them, when to have them, why you need to have them. And up next, you're about to hear from Erica. She wrote in because her husband's ex-girlfriend is making her very present in their relationship, and Erica has had enough. Listen.

Hello, Mel.

It is Erica.

My husband has an ex-girlfriend with two young daughters. They haven't been separated for more than 12 years, but she's very controlling. Thank God we live in a different state.

Miles and miles away from her.

Every time we go visit his daughters and my husband family, she wants to be present in every single activity. I always try to be my best to tolerate her But her petinence is ridiculous.

What can I do or how I can make this situation better for myself? Thank you. Erica, I love your question, and I love you for writing in. With this. And thank you, thank you, thank you. And look, first of all, this woman's beef is with your husband and with life in general. It's not with you, and you can't fix that. And so number one, I want you to be honest with yourself. Yourself. Are you upset because of her? Are you upset because your husband will not deal with this head-on? Maybe you're not the one who needs to have the conversation. Maybe your husband needs to have the difficult conversation and needs to start setting boundaries. And And the bottom line is that if she's upset with your husband, or upset with the separation, or upset with life in general, you can't fix that. You just can't. I personally feel like what's going to benefit you the most is a strategy. I'll talk I'll talk about the conversation in a minute that you could have. But first, I want to talk about the strategy. So there are basically only two different things that you can do.

You ready? You got to rise above this. You said, I'm trying to, Mel, but there's something about this that is hooking you. And I personally think it's not the ex-girlfriend. I think it's your husband and how he's dealing with this and how he's letting the bullshit slide. But that's just my That's an assumption. I could be wrong. But for you, rising above it means not letting the ex get her hooks in you. And there's a great strategy that Dr. Romani, who is the world's leading expert on narcissism, she's been on the podcast twice, and she calls this strategy, gray-rocking, which basically means whenever you are around the ex, be like a gray rock. You're so boring. You don't even notice. You're not triggered by anything. You keep your answer short. You're not that interested in this woman's life. You're not trying to be her friend. You just let her pettiness be like water dripping off a gray rock. And when you're a gray rock, you're also not her target. Imagine a gray rock every time you're about to see the X. A second way that you can rise above this is look at the ex as a kid.

Every time you see your husband's ex, I want you to see a seven-year-old girl having a ridiculous tantrum. That's what her pettiness is. She's trying to get your attention, just like a seven-year-old would try to get your attention. I want you to put in your mind a little seven-year-old version of your husband's ex. Put her in a ridiculous little dress-up dress, then stick her inside that snow globe. And every time she does something petty or something annoying or something ridiculous, you're just going to imagine that seven-yearyear-old version of her in a ridiculous little party dress, throwing a tantrum because she's not the center of attention, and she does… and she gets petty because then everybody gets… It's her only way to get power, That's her way to get power. She just loves it when she irritates you. Why? Because now she's the center of attention. But you're not going to buy into that anymore, are you? Because you're either going to be a gray rock, you're going to be so I am boring that everything just rolls right off you, you're not even really paying attention, you don't add any fuel to the fire, or you're going to giggle at her because she's throwing a tantrum.

Seven-year-old in her party dress who gets really petty because it's the only thing she has in life. You know, that's what you're going to do. That helps you emotionally unhook yourself. It helps you stay separate. And that is going to help you not have to have a difficult conversation. Because I personally think if you're going to have a conversation, you need to have it with your husband, and you need to tell him that he's got to step up. Because every time he doesn't and she acts petty, it makes you you feel a certain way, and that it makes you feel like you don't respect him, or whatever it may be. It's just frustrating to you. The other way that you could step into this, if you think about your why. And maybe your why, if you're going to have this conversation with your husband, is you can't stand watching her walk all over him. Or maybe your why is something more powerful. And here's the more powerful why. His daughters are watching. And kids don't learn by hearing what we say. Kids learn by watching what we do. And if the Y is big enough, that the adults need to rise above this bullshit for the sake of the daughters, that we got to lose this petty crap for the sake of the daughters.

Because you know what? Whether you like it or not, the way the ex is dealing with your husband and the way that your husband refuses to deal with his ex, that is modeling of a relationship for the daughters. And so for the sake of the daughters, you could have the hard conversation with your husband and with the ex. But you got to figure out what the why is for you. You know, and again, I'm going to say what I said to Claudia. Maybe this is happening because you're the one that's the bigger one. Maybe you're in all of their lives Because you're the one that's going to break the chain of behavior. Maybe you're the one that is here because you're meant to tap into the courage inside you to hold all of you to a higher standard. And look, maybe the ex isn't capable of it. Maybe there's so much trauma and resentment, and she hasn't done the work, and it's easier to be angry and petty and all that stuff. Because when somebody's angry and petty, it's just pain. That's it. They don't know how to tolerate pain, so they attack people, and they're petty, and they seek attention.

But when you get clear on your why, I wanted to talk to you because I would really love for the sake of the girls for us to rise above this. And when X happened, I I felt X, and I think we can do better. When you do that, you've got a chance to transform the family dynamic. And remember, you're only going to use one example, and then you're going to give time for your husband or the X to respond. And two things are going to happen, especially when you're dealing with somebody who's petty or volatile. Either the person is going to listen, and holy shit, they I apologize. There's something in you rising above the noise that is almost like a hand that helps them step up and rise above the noise. It might surprise you. You could be the force that changes everything. Because maybe the ex and your husband have been locked in this stupid-ass dynamic for so long, they don't know anything else. But you're the one that could demand something new. Or if when they listen, they don't apologize, they immediately react like that seven-year-old in the party dress, like throwing yet another.

How dare you say that? You're not even All you say is calmly. I'm not blaming you. I'm explaining how something made me feel. I'm expressing a concern. And if you don't have the capacity to hear that, that's okay. Thank you for at least letting me say it, because I am committed to being a better example for the girls. You restate your why, boom, you're out. And some people fight and are petty and pick fights as a way to control you, and some people do it as a way to stay connected to you. And When you go silent or when you do these things, it triggers them, so they get even more intense. And in fact, Candice is having this exact problem with her family, and she's got to have a really difficult conversation with them to knock it off. Hi, Mel. It's Candice. I listened to the episode about people-pleasing and absolutely loved it. I've tried the strategy of taking a pause before answering more than once. My question is, how do you handle family members who won't accept a pause or a delayed response? What happens when instead of allowing you a pause, the person gets combative or aggressive?

How do you stop the guilt from forcing you to answer? Candice, thank you for this question. You know, one thing you might want to do, Candice, is also go and listen to the episode we did about attachment styles, because you might be dealing with somebody who has an anxious attachment style. We had an incredibly amazing expert and doctor on that episode. She about attachment styles and that framework might help you and said family member. That's the first thing that comes to mind. The second thing that comes to mind is I want to make sure that when you say the person gets aggressive, that they're not crossing over into abusive. There's a big difference between somebody getting triggered when you go silent and saying, I need time, and them feeling anxious that they're going to lose you, or they need to stay connected to you, or they got control you in this moment of uncertainty, and somebody being abusive. Abusive, you need to get some help. If you're dealing with somebody who's clingy and annoying, that's anxious attachment style. I know it because I have it, and my husband often needs a pause when we're in a difficult conversation.

So here's the thing. You said the word guilt, and that's why I think you're dealing with an attachment style thing where you need time to process and this family member wants an answer now, and then you feel bad that they're hounding you about this. And so you have to double down on your needs. And here's what I would recommend. I'm going to give you a script that you can take and make your own. And when you request a pause, you're in a conversation, you say, I need to think about it. Here's what you're going to do, okay? I want I'm going to change this frustrating dynamic between us. And because you come at me, I need a pause because I feel scared. And here's the tactic you're going to use, okay? Here's the thing that a person with anxious attachment style needs to hear from you. I need a pause, and here's my promise. My promise is, I will give you an answer in an hour. My promise is, I will give you an answer in the morning. And if You want to change this dynamic between us, like I want to change it. I want to have a better, healthier connection.

I don't want to fight like this. I want to be able to have these conversations. I need you to not act like that. I need you to not use that tone of voice. I need you to respect and trust me when I say I need a pause, because I'm just going to continue to take a pause, and I am going to tell you how much time I need in order to give you an answer. And what I'm doing is I am helping you use a bridge. So you know, like when you're dropping a little kid off at daycare, what all the experts say that you should do if a kid has separation anxiety is you should say, You're going to have a great day, and I'll see you at five o'clock. You're now creating a bridge to when you're coming back. And so if you're dealing with somebody that gets intense or pushy or uses a terrible tone of voice or guilt you to make up your mind, pressures you, you need to create a bridge. I need to pause. I need to take a moment and collect myself yourself, I'll be back in an hour to talk about this.

I will let you know in the morning. Because now you have let this person know that you are coming back. And so if this is a trigger for them, you are also helping to repair this idea that people that care about you come back. But they got to hold up their end of the bargain. They got to realize that their tone of voice, the way they're behaving in this conversation, is not acceptable. And that's why you need to pause. The thing that I want you to understand is you've probably been locked in this dynamic for a while, and you're now doing something different. You probably have been locked in a dynamic where they want an answer, you don't have an answer, they start to raise their voice, You then blah, blah, blah, an answer. This was me and my husband, because I grew up with a parent that erupted when they got frustrated. And so I erupt when I got frustrated. I'm working on it, but my husband then shuts down. And the second that you With the dynamic, people tend to get more emotionally triggered. And so when you say, Look, this is exactly why I'm doing this, because I don't want you yelling at me anymore.

And I need time to think, and you need time to calm down. And so I promise you, we will talk about this in the morning, and I love you for respecting the fact that you need time to calm down, and I need time to think. And we will resolve this when we're both a little more clear-headed. That's it. You can do this. Our final question comes from a woman named Carla. And this question is so good because it helps me explain the real reason why we need to have difficult conversations. Questions. Hi, Mel. It's Carla.

Can you give me advice on how to approach your partner, friends, family members who have trauma, insecurities, or mental health issues without trying to change them or fix them? I absolutely love your podcast, and it's helped me tremendously. Thanks, Mel.

Carla, I absolutely love you and your question, and I think it's going to help us all tremendously. What I want to say to you, Carla, is that This is why difficult conversations are important, because at the end of the day, it's not about fixing other people. It's about improving dynamics between people that leave you feeling disempowered, worried, or afraid. That's what it's about. It's really not about the other person. So whether you're having a conversation with a friend that goes off the rails at you because you don't call them back, or you're having a conversation with your boss because you're upset about something. It's not really about the friend, it's not really about the boss or getting more money. It's about you accessing your own self-expression. It's about you finding the courage to make requests so that you feel supported, respected, and empowered. And it's about you expressing concern or holding boundaries for what you will accept and what you won't accept in your life. And that's why these conversations matter. Because without finding the courage to fully express your highest, most self-expressed self, you will know that you're not reaching your potential. You will feel that disruption and that discomfort of knowing that there's something that you need to say that you haven't said.

And I don't want that for you. And when it comes to family members that you need to have a difficult conversation with, particularly if you're dealing with a family member that is not taking care of themselves. You have to do that in the lane of boundaries, and you have to do that Not from a place, you're right, of trying to fix somebody, because we can't fix other people. We can only express how their behavior or lack of behavior makes us feel. What comes to mind right now is this example from a long time ago in my life, but it's still very much relevant. When I was in my 20s, and Chris and I had just met, and we were newly engaged, I met a woman who I became really good friends with at work. It became very clear that she was struggling with disordered eating, and that became very, very serious when her boyfriend broke up with her. And for months, she was complaining about the boyfriend. She was complaining about the way that she looked. She was complaining about her body, and I was seeing her with her away. And I would listen, and I would listen.

And I would listen. And then I would offer support. And then I would ask her if she thought she should speak to her therapist. I would ask her if she was worried about her mental health or her eating situation or lack of eating situation, and she would deflect it. And that would make me feel uncomfortable. And I didn't know how to bring it up. And I was only in my 20s, and I'd never really dealt with anything like this, and I didn't know how to support her. And then finally, I looked at her one day and I said, I love you. I'm profoundly worried about you, and I feel helpless. Every time you complain about this relationship that's been over for months, and I see you not taking care of yourself. And here's my request. You're no longer allowed to talk about this with me because you're not doing anything to I'm not here to change it. I will be here to hang out with you. I'll talk about work with you. I'll talk about the books we're reading with you. But I am no longer available for you to vent about this because you're not doing anything.

The second you get into therapy, the second you seek treatment, the second you move on, I'm here to support you. But I feel like by listening to you, I am part of the problem. She cut me out of her life. She didn't want to hear it. She got a different job, like full Monty. But I'll tell you something. Several years later, and I'm talking probably 10, 15 years later, she reached out via Facebook Messenger and said that conversation was so confronting, and she didn't know how to handle it, but it was a tipping point that got her into treatment. And so So people don't change until they're ready to change. But that doesn't mean that you can't have a conversation about your boundaries, and you need to. If somebody is acting in a way where it's scaring you, you need to say something. If somebody's behavior is really alarming you, you can draw boundaries. I'm not going to give you money unless you go into treatment. I I am not going to listen to how depressed you are unless you get back on your medication. I am not going to let you rant about dad who you've been divorced from for 10 years, mom.

You need to freaking move on with your life. I'm not here for that. I'm here for you and your future and the healthy you and the happy you. You can be a stand for that without trying to fix someone. And oftentimes, all of us dancing around eggshells is keeping somebody in that place. Sometimes they need you to be the stronger one, not to tell them what to do, but to say, I'm not going to sit here and watch this happen. But the second that you need somebody to drive you to rehab, the second that you need somebody to pay for your therapist, the second that you need somebody to hold your hand through this process, I will be there. But I'm not going to stand by your side as you fall. That is how you talk to somebody. You talk about your feelings, you talk about your fears, you talk about what you're willing to do and what you're no longer willing to do. And then the other person gets to make a choice. That's how you have that conversation, because at the end of the day, That's what these conversations are about, you being your best and highest, most expressed version of yourself.

And that's what I want for you. Look, you know what you need to do. The hardest part is starting the conversation. But the longer you put it off, the more uncomfortable it's going to be. It just builds and builds and builds. Just know it's not going to go perfectly. That's okay. Finding the courage, getting the conversation done. It is so much better than perfect. Your health is worth it. Your confidence is worth it. Your relationship is worth it. And you know what? It might just turn out way better than you ever expected. And it will turn out better than you expected because now you have the tools to empower you to make it better than you're fearing right now. Today, we are talking about how you can protect yourself from other people's bad moods, how you deal with annoying coworkers. And boy, oh, boy, do we have a juicy question at the end of this conversation today from Celeste about gossip. You are going to just love her question. And I'm so excited because we all have stories about dealing with people who are energy suckers, and I am bringing some stories today. But I want to make sure that you leave with some tools.

And so I not only got some of the fun stories you're going to relate to from my own life, but I've got really visual metaphors and tools that are simple to remember. They're sticky. You can teach them to anybody. One, you're going to learn how to put up an energetic force field. Two, Two, we're going to talk about strategies for how you protect yourself from other people's baloney. And three, I'm going to teach you how to keep yourself in a positive mood, because that means no matter what's going on around you, you can be a force for good, and you can protect your own energy, even when people are testing your patience or trying to suck your energy dry. So let's jump right in with a question from a listener named Veronica. Hi, Mel. It's Veronica. In the workplace, and I'm sure in other spaces, too, I find that there are some people who, whether they are conscious of it or not, project their panic and anger in emails and communications, which more often than that turns my fine day into panic and anger as well. They are people who bring the house down with them.

How can you hear what they are saying and not be emotionally affected by it? Thank you. Veronica, that example of the emails, like when you get a text in all caps, or you get one of those emails where you can hear the edge in somebody's voice, and you're just like, Why are you doing verbal diarrhea at me right now through this email? Because you would not speak to me this way. And I have this story. So I was in Los Angeles last week, and we were checking in at the front desk, and this woman comes huffing and puffing from the elevators, okay? And she's doing that walk where people are... They're really hustling and shuffling on floor, and their elbows are really pointy, like they're trying to pump their arms to make them walk even faster and with more authority. She had this high pony, and it was swinging in the air. She had a really fancy piece of luggage she was dragging, a duffle bag. Then there was this woman behind her, huffing and puffing behind her, too. And they walk right up next to us at the front desk, and she slams her hands on the table, as Chris and I are in the middle of talking to the woman who's checking us in.

Now, Keep in mind, the woman who's checking us in, it's probably 9:15 at night in Los Angeles. She looks like she's probably 24. I assume, given that I have a 24-year-old daughter, and I have a 22-year-old daughter, that she is probably a recent college grad who has majored in hospitality. Now she is in a two-year intern program where she is working in a hotel in a city she doesn't live in, and she's got that big blazer on that doesn't fit quite right, and you can tell that she's exhausted. And so I got this huffy, puffy, annoying woman next to me who is clearly entitled, and she's angry. What is she angry about? Oh, well, the doors to her balcony. They don't close all the way. I didn't even know there were balconies on the rooms in this hotel. I mean, I'm not in that room. She starts venting at this woman, venting at this 24-year-old woman in a hospitality internship program who does not have the authority to do anything, who is clearly exhausted, and who, by the way, is not responsible for the door to your balcony not working. And so why are you just vomiting on this poor gal?

And you could see the life force just drain out of this woman who was standing at the front desk. And she apologized. She said she would get the manager who wasn't in and would be in in the morning. And then the woman huffed and she puffed. Well, what are you going to do about it now? I can't stand. I can't stand people like this. There's no reason not to be kind to other people. There is no reason not to ask for help in a polite manner, because the people that you're asking for help from almost never are responsible for the thing that's not working. And the person that's emailing you at work who's all frustrated because the Q4 numbers and the boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, and the client this, and the do, do, do, do, do. You're not responsible for the stuff that's stressing them out. And so here's what I did in that moment, because a couple of things happened in that story. Number one, that woman's bitchy behavior and entitlement, it's contagious. And when somebody's yelling at you, whether it's an email or you're separated by the front desk at the hotel that you're working at, it still gets all over you.

I think about the visual almost like if you've ever walked your dog and they jump into muddy water, or they roll in the mud, or heaven forbid, you're walking on the beach and there's a big, nasty, rotting fish on the beach, and your dog runs right up to it before you can get to the dog, and now your dog is rolling all in it, and it's like, blah, blah, blah. And then they run over to you. And what does a wet, dirty dog always do when that dog gets up to you? They shake. And when they shake, all of that negative, nasty, muddy fish, blah, blah, blah, blah, energy gets all over you. And so it's critical in these moments that you protect your energy. And for me, I normally speak up when I see this thing, because normally, I have really great energy, and I'm not going to let somebody get away with that. But the truth is, I was really tired. I had just flown across country, and we were in town to do something that was weighing on my mind, and I just didn't want to get into a fight with somebody who clearly had an ax to grind with absolutely anybody.

And I'm not going to change this person anyway. And so what I do in those moments, when I start seeing that muddy dog shake or that high ponytail start flapping her mouth and being rude, is number one, I take a deep breath. That's it. I just take a deep breath. And there's a breath technique that you can use called 4, 7, 8. I don't remember who came up with this. I'm sure some will put it in the show notes, but you breathe in for 4 seconds. Hold it for seven. Then out for eight. And I read somewhere that the eight part is the most important, because when you breathe out for longer than you breathed in, it sends a signal to your nervous system that it's okay to relax. And the 4, 7, 8 breathing technique will start the relaxation response in your body. And so if you get that all-cap text from a friend, or you get that really rude email from a colleague, or you're standing somewhere in public and some jerk is violating the person, and you just don't have the energy to go, Hey, you don't have to be rude about it.

Do the 4, 7, 8 breathing technique to signal the relaxation response in your Body to Protect your Energy. I have a second tactic that I love. Oh my gosh, I love this. Here's the visual. I use this all the time. In fact, I just use this in a different situation last night. I call it the snow globe. So have you ever had a snow globe as a kid? It's that glass ball, and in it, they have these typically around the holidays or if you go to a museum or a gift store at a theme park, they tend to sell them there. I don't know why, but it's this glass ball, and in it is usually some scene. Imagine a holiday tree, some rain Deer, something like that comes to mind. Or you could think about the palace. What's that? Cinderella's Palace at Disney. They probably have snow globes with Sindorella's Palace at Disney, right? What happens when you pick up a snow globe and you shake it. All of that crap in it starts flying around. You know what that crap is? It's like that wet dog mud. Think about a snow globe the next time you are around anybody who gives you attitude.

Because when you picture the person, like the chick with the high ponytail trapped in her own little snow globe, and there she is bitching and barking about something and spewing her negative energy everywhere. But if you think and picture her having her tantrum in a snow globe, Let me out of here. And all of that sparkly stuff is what gets shaken up and all the negative energy. If you visualize her inside the snow globe, you can laugh at her, and it doesn't get on you. So I use this even like a couple of days ago. I was at a coffee shop, and again, at another airport, and we were standing in line and we ordered coffee, and they were super, super busy. It was taking a long time. And I looked at the watch. We had 20 minutes before the flight was going to leave, and Chris was getting testy with me because he's the person, my husband, that we have the opposite travel languages. So I have my travel language is be the last person on the plane. Get to the gate as late as possible without missing the plane. Spend as little time in the airport as possible.

Chris, on the other hand, he basically likes to stroll through an airport. He likes to sit at the gate for a while and get comfortable and read his book and enjoy his coffee. He loves getting there early. And so we have the exact opposite travel language. He has agreed to stand in this long line with me to get a cup of coffee. He's starting to get agitated, not quite snow globe agitated, but you can tell he's getting nervous, and his coffee comes out. And so I said, Why don't you take it and go and hold the plane for me? I'll be right there. So he leaves, and now it's taking a minute and another minute and another minute. And I start to realize, Holy cow, I'm going to miss this plane. I start to realize, Holy cow, I actually need to leave. And so I I go to the counter and I say to the woman who's... They are really busy. I mean, you can tell she's stressed. I'm not like the lady with the ponytail. I just lean forward and say, Hey, is the drink for Mel about to be done? Because otherwise, I'm going to just have to say, give it to somebody.

And she, like she had a tantrum, I'm doing the best of my hand. She erupted. See, when somebody throws a tantrum, here's what I know. What I know is they're having trouble tolerating all the negative emotion that they're feeling. This woman behind the counter is feeling a ton of pressure. She's behind. She's frustrated. I'm sure other people have been rude to her. And my question to her, it was the straw that broke the camel's back. She just couldn't handle the negativity and the stress anymore in her body. And so she had a tantrum. She exploded at me. Whatever. She's allowed to have a tantrum. It's a stressful job. I get it. And because I can picture her inside her own little snow globe, having her own little tantrum, all the sparkly stuff flying all around her, that's her negative energy. It stays inside the snow globe. I said, no problem. Totally understand. And I left and went to my plane. And you know what? I didn't let it bother me. And that's the beauty of these strategies. See, there are always going to be people and situations in life that are triggering. The world is full of jerks and people who cannot tolerate their own emotional experience.

And when you do the 4, 7, 8 breath to trigger a relaxation response inside yourself, you take control. When you visualize whomever it is, whether it's the colleagues sitting behind their desk and they're stomping on their keyboard, having their own little tantrum in their little cubicle, inside their little snow globe, you protect yourself. And that way, these emotional vampires that are out there in the world in these emotional, vampirey type situations that drain you and your energy, they don't impact you. And this is so important because when you look at the research around human connection, our brains are programmed to connect with other human beings. That's how we're wired. It's part of our biology, our physiology. In fact, we seek out connection. We want meaningful bonds, because when we do that, it not only It feels good, but your brain releases oxytocin, which is a wonderful feel-good chemical in your brain. It rewards that thing. And if we feel disconnected, we feel unsafe. And in fact, if we're around somebody else who's stressful or weird or hostile, like the chick with the ponytail, do you know what happens? Your brain releases yet another chemical. This one's called cortisol.

And cortisol is the stress hormone. And so you immediately not only sense that something's off with this person, but you also have this chemical physiological response. I think that's why we often label people's behavior as toxic or icky or gross, because it feels that way to you, just like a dog that is shaking and gets their mud all over you. I think we know, common sense-wise, that people's moods and energy are contagious. But there's a new study by scientists at Oxford and Birmingham University that show that bad moods, they're not only contagious, they're more infectious than good moods. And on top of all of this, your brain has something called mirror neurons. Mirror neurons are amazing because what they do is in nanoseconds, they can process and register any human beings' facial expression, body language, tone of voice. It's absolutely unbelievable. And what ends up happening is your mirror neurons make you start to mirror the same emotions as the people around you. This is why when you're watching a movie and that sappy music comes on or somebody in the movie starts to cry, your mirror neurons are what are triggering you to start welling up, too.

And they also work for the positive. If you look at somebody eye to eye and you hold eye contact and you a huge toothy smile, it takes less than five seconds for the mirror neurons and the person who you are looking at and smiling at to kick in, and that person will not be able to help themselves but smile back. And this is important for you to know because it works both for the good, you can catch really good energy, and when it comes to bad energy, that's easier to catch. You wrote in your book, Staying in a relationship with a Narcissist, just This is really and truly not an option. And you listening to us as you're reflecting on everything that Rebecca Zung is sharing with you based on her personal experience, her professional experience, and all of this extensive research, the 40 million views on her YouTube channel. She knows this inside and out. You have this phrase, Today is a great day to start negotiating my best life. If you see yourself reflected in the comments or the stories that Rebecca is talking about, there are things that you say, Rebecca, that you need to stop doing immediately if you want to get out of a narcissistic relationship.

What are the things you need to stop doing in order to cut off that supply and get out of there and negotiate for yourself?

Yeah. So step one, don't run. Step two, make a U-turn. Step three, break free. So in the strategy, which is the first step, you have to have these action steps. So in that first action step, step one, don't run. Stop allowing them to speak to you in a disrespectful manner. I mean, that's the very first step. I know you feel like it's so overwhelming, and it's fearful, and it's scary, and it feels like, oh, my God, you're going to have all this backlash. And I know that because you feel like they're going to have that tantrum, right? But that very first boundary, that very first baby step can be, I'm not going to allow myself to be spoken, and to in a way that's disrespectful. That can be your very first step today, because I know you have to course correct. It's like, stop that conditioning, 180 degree turn, right? Stop that conditioning. So first boundary is that start looking at them as if they are a child having a tantrum on the floor. Start putting that invisible shield down around you and like Superman having bullets off your chest or Wonder Woman with the gold bracelets.

Remember, they didn't attach themselves to you because you have so little value. They attached themselves to you because you had so much. They devalue you because you have so much value. So So remember that. Start looking at them like that. Stop defending yourself. Never explain, justify, or overshare. So just start looking at them as if they're a third party. Just say, We can discuss this when you have calmed down, or I can see that you are upset. I can see that you are angry, observing their behavior. Here. Let it go by you. Almost like pretend the words are looking, wheezing by you. I always say it's like dodgeball. When I was a kid, dodgeball was a big thing. I always remember the words, they're looking at you, hitting the wall.

So is that just so I know? Because we're going to get a ton of questions, which is, okay, wait, how do I allow myself to not speak? How do I allow myself to hold a boundary and not be disrespected when this person barrages me with text or yells at me, and then I get paralyzed. And you have these essential phrases that you coach people to use to disarm a narciss and observe the tantrum, acknowledge it, but not let it hit you. Can you share a bunch of those phrases that you coach people to use? Yes.

You can say things like, I agree with you. I agree with you that we're not going to agree. I agree with you that that's your opinion. You can say things like I agree with you is always a good one because they hear, I agree with you, but just make sure that you follow it up with, I agree that that's your opinion. If they're saying things like, you're a terrible mother or whatever, you just make sure I agree that that's your opinion. Your triggers are not my responsibility. You can always say things like that because they often say, it's your fault this or your fault that, something like that. But you can always make sure to remove yourself from a situation where you're not being respected.

I love these phrases. I understand that's how you feel. Your approach is not working for me. Let's discuss this when you're less emotional or angry. Do you have any coaching for the fact that I think most people are afraid to say that because they're then going to invite narcissistic rage? So when you use one of these phrases to connect with your power and to not allow yourself to be disrespected, I understand that's how you feel. And then the person raises the stakes and starts raging at you. What would you advise somebody to do that is just starting to practice these boundaries and create boundaries and not run away from the situation?

If they feel like they are going to be in harm's way in some way, then they really may need to remove themselves from the same in physical space. There's a saying that says that if you don't want to be a doormat anymore, get up off the floor. And you train people, you condition people on how to treat you. It may sound harsh, but it is the absolute truth. And narcissists are the best ones for that. And that's just the truth of the matter.

So if they don't change and somebody's either unwilling or too scared to leave right now, how can you truly negotiate with somebody like that?

Well, you can because what I teach works.

Rebecca, I just have to say I love the swagger. Well, you can because what I teach works because that makes me believe you. You're referring to your slay method. Slay is a four-part framework that you follow in the courtroom and in life for dealing with, negotiating with, and winning against a Narcissist. Can you explain what SLA stands for?

Slay stands for strategy, leverage, anticipate, and you.

Let's start with the first one, S. What does it stand for?

S stands for developing a super strong strategy, which is the first part of that is creating a vision. If you're just trying to communicate in general, if you're just trying to figure out what to do with them, If you're in a family situation, if you're just trying to figure out how to deal with them in life, if it's your neighbor, if it's your tenant, what is it that you want? So many times people are like, I just want them to stop, or I just want peace. That's not a goal. You want to be specific about what you want.

Is there a reason And why peace can't be a goal? And let's take the example that you either have a mother or a father who is a narcissist, and all you do want is peace. You are not ready to become estranged and to remove them from your life, and you want to figure out a strategy that helps you know what your vision is. How do you figure that out? Because to your point, you always talk about these three Cs that you can't change them, you can't control them, and you can't... What's the other one?

You can't cause it, control it, or cure it.

That's right. You can't cause this, you can't cure it, and you can't control it. And so knowing that, how do you create a vision if it's your mother or your father? What questions do you ask yourself?

I still think even if it's your mother or father, you can create a more specific vision around what that relationship relationship should look like for you.

I don't want to be triggered all the time. I don't want her or his BS to trigger me or make me feel manipulated.

Right. Or even put that in positive terms.

Do I have to? Yeah. Put it in positive terms. Okay. What does that look like?

Right. So we will see each other X number of times a year. And during those visits, we will We'll have these kinds of conversations. And this is how I will define the relationship. And I think that you should be more specific like that because-I love that. Yeah. I think that will be because you get what you envision in life, right?

I love that. I love that because you're right. I think you're so conditioned when you're dealing with somebody who's narcissistic to think about it from what what you're enduring versus what would you actually want. And a lot of times it's like, I'd like to be able to walk into a school function where my ex is and not feel like I've just left my body in a panic attack. I put that in a negative, but that's a very common one that I noticed, is that people dealing with exes and feeling completely enmeshed and triggered and wanting to be able to feel powerful and unaffected anytime I see them.

Right.

Yeah. Is that positive enough?

No. I love you, Rebecca.

Help us.

I think it should be, I want to be able to walk into a school function and sit next to them and be able to discuss our child together and be happy for our child together and celebrate her together and go out for pizza together afterwards and laugh together during the show. I think if you can be really specific like that, that it would actually be more beneficial for you.

Beautiful. L stands for Leverage. What does that mean?

So Leverage is where you're actually creating that motivation for the person to want to be squeezed and incentivized to want to come to a resolution with you. And in the case of a Narcissist, it's going to have to be a situation where that diamond level supply is potentially going to be threatened or Or there are times where you could potentially, what I call, fluff for favor, vomit later.

Fluff for favor, vomit later?

Yes. Where you fluff up their ego in order to get something, give them something they want in order to get something you want.

I do this all the time with someone in my life, actually. Yes. I'm realizing I have really developed I do deploy a strategy. I'm realizing, as you're talking, to feed a particular person's ego, that they are getting their way, that they are the most important person in the room, and I do that as a manipulation strategy so that I can get what I want.

Exactly. Just as long as you know that you're only doing it in order to get what you want. If you have to go shower or vomit later, then you do the thing. But it's in order to get what you want later. But more often And then not, what you have to do is use your documentation because they lie so much, because they're so careless, frankly. They don't think you're ever going to keep track of all All the different times that they say things that are... They'll say something in a text message, they'll say something in an email, they'll say... I mean, honestly, they are very irrational. As we talked about at the beginning of this show, how many times their memory is faulty or whatever. But if you keep track, that's how you create your leverage. In a negotiation. And you say, Hey, you said this, you said this, you said this. I am going to present this in court. I call it ethically manipulating the manipulator. You can call it whatever you want. Many times, empaths are uncomfortable with that thing. You have to be on the offensive when you are dealing with a narciss.

It's not doing anything other than what works. I mean, it's not anything that's unethical at all, but you have to do the things that are offensive, whereas most empaths are like, I don't want to fight. I just want to resolve this peacefully. Let's just come to a resolution. But if you want to come to a resolution and you want them to stop jerking you around, and you want them to leave you alone, this is what you have to do, because they're never going to leave you alone. They're never going to stop. So many people come to me and they say, Oh, we're still in court. It's five years later. They won't leave me alone. And I say, Well, then you haven't figured out what your diamond level supply is yet. You haven't figured out what your leverage is yet.

I bet that part, figuring out your leverage, is the hardest part because you feel so spun around by the narcissist. Let me just see if I can track with you here. In your four-part framework for negotiating with a narcissist, it's slay. So remember, everybody, S is strategy. You have to have a vision of what you're looking for and that you want to get out of the relationship. And again, you have to have this going in where you're going to be spun around like a top. And the example that you gave, Rebecca, is my strategy is I'd like to sit next to them in a school function and discuss our child in a civil manner. The next step is L, and L is for leverage. And again, this has to do with that narcissistic supply. They're always going to want to feed their ego. This never ends. You've learned this, and you have to accept that as fact and then use your leverage to give them what they want, even if it makes you vomit later. And you're doing this, you're giving them the supply, the attention, the praise, the this, the that, the weekend trade that they're asking for.

You're giving them that, even if it may, I don't want to have to do this. Why? So you can get what you want. And the reason why this is important is because when you supply them with something, what happens? You go into the cycle where they're nice to you. And lots of leverage, by the way, Rebecca is teaching you, comes down to giving them what they want, but also documenting what they say, what they do, and how many times you say something, and how many times you do something, and why do you need the documentation, especially if you're in a confrontational thing? You don't have to be in court for this, by the way. This might be that you constantly argue with your parents about who's hosting the holidays. Keep a record. Keep a record so you have proof. I'm dead serious about this because this comes down to leverage and to supply, right? And this also keeps you from going crazy. And a lot of this has to do with the fact that when you give them something, they're in a good mood so you can sneak in what you want. See how this works?

I love this. So now that we understand the strategy and the leverage, A comes next. And you say, Rebecca, you and I got to be able to be two steps ahead, always. You got to anticipate. Can you teach us what you mean by that?

A is where you can actually figure out the type of narcissist that you're dealing with, because they will all act a little differently in negotiations. And so a covert narcissist is much more likely to use the flying monkeys and pretend like they're the nice one and I'm the victim and, Oh, poor me and all of that. Covert narcissists are going to be the first one if somebody has cancer to show up with the basket and be right at their side in the hospital and that thing. But smearing everybody on the side. So you just have to be careful of who you're dealing with. And then the anticipation is also that knowing that they're going to try to bait you. I always say they go fishing, they go, and then they reel you in like this. And then once they have you, you're in the mud and you're down there.

That makes a lot of sense. So what's the final part of the four-part slay framework?

The why, which is you, which is you standing in your authentic power. It's for you on the offensive and then also your mindset, because 100% of winning is your mindset. And if you don't believe you can win, Nobody can help you. And I have so many people who have said to me that I can't win or I can't do this or whatever. And I always say to people, do you want to be right about that? Or do you actually want to win? Because you can be right or you can actually get out of this and win, but you can't have both, right? The good news is that there is a way to deal with them. Most people think that there's not. Most people say, you can't negotiate with a narcissist. You can't deal with a narcissist. There's nothing you can do. That it's pointless. It's hopeless. The good news is that there is actually a framework. It is actually pretty simple. They are actually pretty simple to understand. And that once you get on the other side of it and you stand up to them and you grab that power, the freedom that you feel, the feeling that you feel is actually beyond better than anything else.

The people who I've helped through my programs are so powerful now. I actually now have master coaches who are becoming... They're graduating from my coaching program now. And it is beyond anything else that's more magical and more powerful than ever. That's the beautiful thing. You and you alone define your value. You can win.

Today, we're talking about a mindset reset, which is when you identify the default programming in your mind, that critical voice that's constantly chirping away in the background, you're never good enough, you didn't get it right, you look fat. Once you identify that and that you're sick of it, how can you erase that bully and program a new positive soundtrack in its place? Well, Diane is about to help you do just that. Hi. How are you doing? I'm great. How are you? I'm doing all right. Do I have a question for you? I mean, wonderful information from Popy. My question comes more of, what about when this programming and voices are from spouses, friends, employers, and they're just basically building on what your parents or other people have said. Great question. So the question is, what if you've got programming from childhood that now is basically being reinforced by colleagues, bosses, spouses, friend group, blah, blah, blah, blah? What is the default negative thing that you say to yourself? It's definitely not good enough, and who the heck do you think you are? The who the heck do you think you are? That has a real bite to it.

Yes, it does. Yeah, it does. I don't know why I'm going to ask you this, but I'm going to ask you this. Were either of your parents on On the Narcism personality disorder by chance, Spectrum? Well, I'm pretty close.

I would say yes, one of them for sure.

The reason why I say that is because the who do you think you are has a very hostile nature to it. I would imagine, and again, I'm just guessing, just guessing here, that there was a level of either hostility or fighting or were outbursts or eruptions that were very chaotic for you when you were a little kid happening with the adults in your house. I've blocked out a lot. I remember more of my adulthood where my ex was a narcissist. Okay. Definitely. Yeah. Okay. I am not surprised that you blocked a lot of childhood out because what happens is that when you're in a situation that is extremely stressful as a young kid because the adults around you can't be trusted, or they're erratic, or whatever the situation may be, You live in a state of fight or flight, and the alarm system in your body is going off. And when you are on edge and the alarm system in your nervous system is going off because you don't feel safe around the adults in the house, it impairs the cognitive functioning in your brain. This comes from research out of UCLA. Dr. Judith Willis has studied extensively how nervous system dysregulation impacts the brain's ability to function.

If you're busy managing this toxic stress in your body as a kid, your brain's not actually present to make memories. Super normal to not have a lot of memories, by the way. I do not have a lot of memories from my childhood, from high school, from college, from law school, because I was in a constant state of anxiety. Never present in the room to make memories there. What I want to tell you first is the good news. The good news is, even though you have been the victim of being with a narciss, and you have had a childhood that was fraught with all kinds of stuff, you can change your brain. You can learn how to calm your nervous system, and you can absolutely change the programming in your mind. And I want you to relate to the programming in your mind as if it was deliberately put there. Because even though a Narcissist or somebody with a narcissistic personality is not deliberately doing this to you. They are so incapable of empathy. They're not even considering you and me. We're objects. They're just doing what they're doing. But we literally get damaged in the way that we think about ourselves when you're around somebody like that, because you think you're the problem.

You think that if there was something different about you, then everything would be okay. And lots of people with a narcissistic personality issue They actually tell you that you're the problem. And so this was a deliberate programming in your mind at the hands of other adults. Now, the good news is you're an adult, and you can take deliberate steps to reprogram your mind. And I'm going straight for like, boom in the face on this, because I want you to realize that you got to get deliberate about this. That somebody else trained you to think this way. And it is a level of being deliberate. As if I said, you're going to move to Russia and you got to speak fluent Russian. I realize you've spoken... How old are you? Sixty-five. You've spoken English for 65 years. But for the rest of your life, we're going to speak Russian. We're going to speech Swahili. We're going to speak a different language. And you can learn a different language. And learning to shut off the abusive voice in your head and teaching yourself Through thought substitution, a different language is what you're going to have to do.

So that's number one. Number two, You're not going to overnight be able to look in your ear like, I love myself. It doesn't work that way because you've had a lifetime of people telling you otherwise. And your brain will reject any mantra that you choose that you have actively tried to disprove. And so we got to pick something for you that you may not quite be there yet, but you believe in the truth of it. And what I believe that everybody deserves I think you can say, I deserve to be happy, or I'm a good person who's trying her best, and I deserve to be happy. I'm a kind person who deserves respect. I am doing the best I can, and that's good enough. There are these mantras that kick the narcissist, You're not good enough, who do you think you are, thing out of your head. And you can say something back that's like, Hey, I'm a kind person. I'm doing the best I can, and that's good enough. And that is enough of a rebuke. And it's believable enough, even when you're beaten down, that as you repeat it and repeat it and repeat it and repeat it to yourself, because you're going to have to, you will start to believe it.

And one final thing that I wanted to say to you is that you know how you said that the program started with my parents, and then it was an ex, and then it was colleagues, and then it was a boss, and it was this. That may be true, but we've also got to start to do the work of catching the filter in your brain. So yes, your boss may be an erratic douche who calls out the things that are negative or is always in a grouchy mood. But that doesn't mean anything about you. This is where your filter and the programming in your mind scans the world and reads your boss's crappy mood as having to do with you because the narcissus in your life made you feel like everything was your fault. For all you know, your boss's wife is having an affair. He's going through a tumultuous divorce. He's dealing with some issue in his gut, and he has irritable bowel syndrome, which is why he's always grouchy. And he's a really sad, sad guy who can't get his shit together because he has childhood trauma, none of which has to do with you.

But your programming in your mind makes you think everything's your fault. And that's also the part of the work that you're going to need to do. You got to reprogram the words you say, Hey, I'm a kind person. I'm doing the best I can, that's good enough. Or I deserve to be happy, especially after these assholes that were in my life. You can put a little sauce in there. You can tell I like a little spicy mantra, because if you don't quite believe it, if it doesn't loosen you up a little bit, that's not the right thing to say. Because most mantras are bullshit because people pick things like, I love myself, and then they spend the day going, You look like shit. You screwed that. No, you don't love yourself. I need to give myself a break. I'm doing the best I can. Now, there's a mantra I can get behind because I believe that. And so pick something believable, put a little edge or fun into it because it shakes the mood down a little bit. And then go to work on this filter that you have of making everything as your fault because it's freaking not.

Your stupid parents and your dumb ex-husband, all of whom were mentally challenged with narcissistic personalities, made you think that horse shit. You're not to blame for that, but you have a responsibility to change the way you talk to yourself and to basically go, not everything's about me. Thank God. I love that you're laughing now. You seem lighter. What did you get out of this? I I love the one thing, it's not everything's about me, period. It's not all of it. And really retraining the brain, really working through, catching those filters. It's going to have to be one step at a time. That's it. And here's the thing. Give yourself a fucking break. Seriously. Give yourself a break. Have a little bit of compassion. Wow, I got out Out of a marriage with a raging narcissist. I'm pretty awesome.

Yes, I am.

Yes, you are. Yes, I am. Give yourself more credit. And it is true. We get so focused on our own bullshit that we convince ourselves that the world's problems are our doing. Most people have so much stuff going on and are so busy beating themselves up, they're not even thinking about you and me. Well, All right. You got this. Let me hear you say your new mantra. Well, quit taking myself so seriously. I'm not getting out of this thing alive. That's true. This ends the same. And how about I'm saying, I might as well enjoy the rest of the ride. There we go. I may as well enjoy the rest of the ride. The first '65 kicked my ass. So let's have some fun the next '65. And they did. Oh, my Lord. Yeah, but you're here laughing about it. That's more than most can say. And so I do believe the best days of your life are on the road ahead. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for checking this video out. And if you like this one, I have a feeling you're going to like this one, too.

I'll see you there.