There is only one thing that you and I are going to be doing this week. I'm thinking about this right now during the holidays, because right now in my life, it's a vacation week. There are kids home, and I have downtime. But look, there's always chaos in your life. I say that because regardless of when you're listening to this, but especially during the holidays, this is a message you need to hear. It's a message I need to hear. It's a message everybody needs to hear because there's only one thing I want you to do this week. Nothing. Do nothing. Wait a minute. Mel Robbins, are you smoking something over there? Did you just say, Do nothing? And here's the funny part about this. I bet you might be doing something right now because Because you're a multitasker, and so am I. You're listening to me while you're doing the dishes, while you're walking the dogs. Heck, you and I might be at the point in our relationship where you are actually sitting on the toilet and I'm in the bathroom stall with you as you're listening to this. Don't tell me that you have not taken me into the bathroom because I can even feel it over here.

And I say this because we got to talk about the art of doing nothing. And look, I'm not stupid enough to think that you can actually do nothing. I mean, obviously not. This is like a metaphorical conversation because you probably have to work. I personally love working between the week of Christmas and New Year because nobody's there. So you can work half a day and you get the full-time pay and it's way more stress-free and you can get more done because you aren't in a million meetings. But if you do have the time off, let me guess. What are you doing with the time off? You're re-arranging your cupboards. You're probably trying to learn Spanish. You're doing a million things on your to-do You are just keeping busy. This week, just stop. Please. I want to explain this concept, this metaphor of doing nothing. Being able to do nothing, whether it's just for a minute, or it's for a day, or it's for a week, this is so important. And I'm having the conversation not only with you, I am talking to myself right now, I have a hard time doing nothing. Why? Well, because I'm just like you.

I'm addicted to being busy. I'm addicted to my to-do list, writing them out, crossing them off, throwing them away, losing them, writing another one. Especially in the world today, the world has glamorized being productive, being busy, go, go, go, hustles, hustle culture, having a side hustle. I mean, there's so much to hustle around. Some days, I literally They have no idea what I'm doing. You may always be on the go like I am, but are you actually getting anywhere? That's why I want to talk about the importance, the art, the science, of learning how to do nothing on purpose. Before we jump into it, I don't want you to worry, because this is not another podcast episode about meditation. That's not what I'm going to jam down your throat right now. And I also want to say something else. Doing nothing sounds like a luxury, doesn't it? Because when somebody tells me, Mel, just do nothing this week, you know what I say? How about you go F yourself? Because I got a company to run and I got bills to pay. I don't know if this is like something that trust funders do or people that don't have to work, but I got kids home.

I got stuff to do. I want you to know that if you have young kids or you're taking you're a pair of aging parents, or you're working two, three, four jobs, or the night shift, I'm talking to you, too. Because the art of doing nothing is something that we all need in our lives. We have How do we figure out how to create moments when we're thinking about nothing, when we're doing nothing, because these moments help you refuel. I think one of the reasons why you I are constantly so stressed and our minds are like a flywheel always going, and we're not that present, is because we are never not doing something. And so this week, the only thing that I want you and I to do is nothing. And I'm going to break this down, don't worry. Because doing nothing might just mean that you're going to learn this week how to find five minutes to do nothing, to think about nothing. It could mean pushing off your to-do list to next week and committing to doing nothing on it this week. I need this as much as you do. When I landed at the airport this week in Albany, Chris picked me up, and I had been gone on a business trip for almost a week, and I had also managed to loop in spending some time with our daughter in Los Angeles.

Here I land. I I haven't been home in a week. I jump into the front seat of his pickup truck, and I turn to him like, How about we stop at the grocery store on the way home? He's like, But I've already gone twice this week. And I'm like, Well, we probably need something. And then I caught myself and I'm like, What am I doing? Why am I filling the time with something? Why can't I just sit in this pickup truck and do nothing? Why can't I just go home and put my bags in the closet and just enjoy time with our son and with our dogs? Why do I have to do something? Here's another one. So last night, Chris builds a fire, and we're sitting there in front of the fire. It's absolutely beautiful. We have a nice, quiet evening. We love to play cribbage and back gamut So we played around a cribbage, and he beat me. I know you're thinking, normally I beat him, but it was one of those nights where he just had all the hands. I hate that. And so as the game was wrapping up, Chris got up, walked into the bedroom, went to bed.

Do you know what I did? I sat and scrolled through my freaking phone. I don't even know why I did it. I literally sat there and I started scrolling through Instagram. And next thing you know, 35 minutes have gone by. My husband has gone off to bed. He's sound asleep, snoring, sawn logs. Like, he's already in la la land in his deep dream state. I have wasted 35 minutes getting all jacked up about everybody else's and what people are doing in their businesses and the stuff that I'm not doing and the things I need to buy and all that stuff. I was so busy. I could have enjoyed myself if I had put the phone down. Instead, I picked it up because I got to be doing something. I got to be thinking thoughts. I got to be doing the thing. I got to be twirling through the thing. I could have just gone to bed like Chris did. Had a nice, nice sleep. No, no, not me. I got to always be doing something. Here's the irony of the This is the topic today, everybody. I have no idea how to do nothing. This is something I don't know a lot about, and I need more of it in my life.

I know you feel the same way. And I want to talk to you about this because of the number of questions that are pouring in from you at melrobbins. Com. Questions about busyness, about stress, about burnout, about never having time for yourself, about anxiety, about stress, about feeling like you're last on your list. And so this week, you and I are going to focus on the art of doing nothing. If you are lucky enough to be off of work this week, I want you to stop and think, what would that mean for you? If you are somebody who has to work this week, I want you to think, what would a moment of doing nothing look like for you? If you're somebody that has a ton going on, you have that feeling like, But I can't. But what? Nothing? What if I did that? Take a breath. What would nothing look like if you could spend an hour doing nothing? Not really thinking about anything. Not any agenda. But just doing nothing. What comes to mind for me immediately is running a hot bath. That's what comes to mind to me. Just run on a hot bath.

I'm not even going to bring a book because I don't want to do anything. That'd be pretty awesome. I'm going to jump into some questions, and I think through these questions, you and I are going to to figure out what it means to do nothing. Because I am no expert at this, and I have a feeling that this is going to be one of those conversations that you and I have where you're going to write to me and be like, Woman, you got a lot to learn. Let me give you this advice about doing nothing because I do a better job of doing nothing than you do, Mel Robbins. Our first question, I love this question, comes from a listener named Jenny, and she said, Mel, I'm a new listener to the podcast. I love your energetic voice and find that it energizes me, too. I'm a single parent of two kids, and I find it difficult to listen to episodes that tell me I'm never too busy, never too tired to X, Y, Z. I've deflected a lot of this from fitness influencers and efficiency experts. But from a self-help standpoint, I find that doing everything and dreaming big can't be shoehorned into a life that already has very little wiggle room for even day-to-day stuff.

Can you relate to that? I can certainly relate to that. I'm going to say that again because I think that is so relatable. I've deflected a lot of this type of advice from fitness influencers and efficiency experts. From a self-help standpoint, I find that doing everything and dreaming big can't be shoehorned into a life that already has very little wiggle room for even day-to-day stuff. This is all leading up to my question, which is, how do you remain hopeful in the trenches when surrounded by achievers? How do you make time for rest when it feels like a guilty pleasure to sit down every once in a while? Whoa. So first, let's talk about something. Let's talk about this part of her question. How do you remain hopeful in the trenches when surrounded by achievers? So first things first. Let's just Just call it what it is, okay? That most of the crap that you're seeing online is not actually true. People are not as efficient as they look, and I love the home edit, but I guarantee you the second that they leave the television show or the Instagram shoot, that color-c coordinated bookcase and that beautiful pantry in the gorgeous plastic see-through things and the spinny things that look like you're not supposed to touch anything there, that pantry does not look like that in 24 hours.

Give me a freaking break. Experts stylized that thing. Production assistants bought all that crap. They put it in there. There is no normal human being that can keep a pantry looking that way. So let's just say, number one, stop torturing yourself with the impossible standards that you see on social media. Rule number one. Rule number two, I agree with you. I personally believe one of the reasons why so many of you relate to me and you constantly and say, Mel, you are so relatable. I'll tell you why. Because I have three children, I have two dogs, I have aging parents, I have a lot of stuff going on, I have ADHD, and there's absolutely nothing about my life that is perfect. And I notice that there are a lot of people in the self-help, in the influencer space that are either single or they are male, and they have a full-time partner at home, or they have no children. And Advice from a single 30-something who has nine hours a day to exercise is not advice that's going to work for my life. It's just not. If you are 30 years old and you have eight hours to exercise, that advice will work for you.

If you are a guy and you have a partner at home that takes care of everything, yes, you can have 15 side hustles because you don't have to do shit when you get home. Let's call it for what it is. In a normal person's life, the advice often doesn't work. I don't know about you, but I don't have three fucking hours every morning for my morning routine. I'm lucky if I have 30 minutes. And, hell, half of the mornings when I wake up, my dogs are already standing there right by the bed waiting for me to take them out. And I say this because it frustrates me that you and I look at the incredible advice that's out there, and we don't flex it to actually work in our life. And And so when you are listening to somebody, whether they are an efficiency expert, which sounds like a nightmare, frankly, or they're a fitness influencer, or they're somebody that's telling you how to eat right, I personally take everything with a grain of salt. And I take it with a grain of salt because I know that in order for advice to work, for me, I got to flex it in a way so that it will fit into my life.

And so we've already learned two things. If you are in the doldrums and you're constantly comparing yourself or beating yourself up because you think everybody else is out achieving you, you're wrong. People are putting up fake achievements and perfection online to sell you something. The second thing is, the only advice that's going to work is advice that you flex to work in your life. One of the reasons why I'm constantly sharing these really simple things to do is because that's the only things that I can fit into my life. My life is very complicated, just like yours. And so I can't fit in 2 hours of exercise, but I can fit in 15 minutes. I can't fit in training for a marathon right now, but I can get a walk in three days a week. And so what you're going to find is that if you hold yourself to an impossible standard, you're going to feel like that standard is impossible. If you become not only You're not only realistic about the demands of your life, but you also become very rigorous about what you demand of yourself in terms of, I'm not going to force myself to some ridiculous standard.

I got two toddlers. I'm a single parent. It's not safe for me to walk alone outside and leave them. I just can't do it. So what can I do? And so when you say... So that's just hopefully getting rid of the The comparison thing, because I do it, too. I often have this conversation with Christine, who's our Chief Operating Officer of 143 Studios, which is our production company, and she's also my sister-in-law. I love her because I'm like, The flighty creative ball dropper genius type person, right? I call myself a genius, like in jest, but I'm creatively fruity all over the place, just flying high. She is a CFO, Excel spreadsheet, get everything in the columns, lady. Mel says yes, Christine says no. That's basically the joke inside the company. Mel said yes, but Christine said no. Anyway, I was complaining to her the other day because, of course, like you, I bash myself when I see other people out achieving me because I've got to win some imaginary competition here in life. I see a friend of mine who is going on a book tour, and he is going on a book tour that is lasting three months.

And I turned to Christine, I'm like, This is unbelievable. It's so cool. And she turned to me and she goes, He doesn't have children. You can't be on the road that long, Mel. It's not going to work for you. And I'm like, Oh, That's right. She's like, You got to stop comparing yourself to people whose lives don't look like yours. You will never be able to achieve what somebody who is a single male can achieve, because you You've got other demands on your time right now. You will never be able to achieve what a 23-year-old can do right now, because you've got aging parents and three kids, and a business to run. And so please, please stop making yourself feel like shit Because you are looking at somebody who has totally different life circumstances in you. And by the way, this does not mean that there's something wrong with a 23-year-old fitness influencer. I think that's freaking fantastic that somebody's doing that with their life. There's nothing wrong with somebody who is going on a book tour for three months. I think that's fantastic. And there's clearly a part of me that wants to do more of that.

But at the moment, I got to face reality. And the reality is, based on my values, based on what life looks like right now, I'm not going to do that. But what I can do is figure out what advice I respond to, what changes I want to make, and then I can fit that into my life. Okay, now let's address the actual question she asked. How do you make time for rest when it feels like a guilty pleasure to sit down every once in a while? Can we just take a moment? It feels like a guilty pleasure to just sit down? That is fucked up. I mean, I feel it. I feel it, too. I feel like there's something wrong with me if I'm not doing something. And maybe it comes from my immigrant grandparents who came from Austria. My grandmother grew up in a coal mining town in Ohio. She moved east because her family answered an ad for a rich family looking for a maid, and they shipped My grandmother to New Jersey to be a maid for somebody. That's where she met my grandfather, who immigrated here from Austria, and he was in the Navy.

They had a bakery when he got out of the Navy. They worked seven days a week, basically 24 hours. My grandmother in the front of the shop, my grandfather in the back. My other side of the family are cattle farmers. I don't know about you, but there's not a lot of freelancers that you can find to work on a big cattle farm. They also had a produce stand. So I come from a long line of people who have a hard time sitting down because there was no time to sit down, or they just never did. And it's just in my DNA So I get this. One thing that I want you to know is stop calling it guilt. We got to stop calling it guilt because it's just a pattern. You have a pattern of always staying busy. I don't think we feel guilty. You know what I think you and I feel when we sit down and do nothing? We feel weird. We don't know what to do with our hands. We don't know what to think about. We don't know how to relax. Unless I'm on a vacation on a beach chair with a piña colada in my hand, I don't know how I'm going to relax.

It's true. It's a sickness. I'm going to go on the record and blame Eileen and Warren Bippert and Betty and Frank Schneeberger. My DNA, my grandparents, you're to blame for this, but now I'm stuck with it. So what am I going to do with it? First of all, we're not going to feel guilty, everybody. We're going to call it what it is. It's freaking weird. It's weird to do nothing. You are ambitious. That's why you listen to this. You're up to something. That's why you listen to this. You're constantly looking to improve something. That's why you listen to this, and you hang out with me. You and I are busy. But we have to learn how to have moments where we do nothing. When was the last time you did nothing? I don't even know. Funny, my mind's blank. I can't think of nothing. I I'll be like, I don't even know. Can you think of when you did nothing last? I'm always doing something. And it's true. It's not that I feel guilty. I just don't know how to do nothing. I don't know how to rest. I don't know how to just give myself a break.

I'm not wired this way, and neither are you. And here's the other thing. I believe that we live in a world that has trained us to always be on. Between the phone and a bazillion things to watch on TV and constantly the emails to answer. There's always somebody who needs you. There's always something that needs to be done. And feeling needed is a way to feel connected and important. And so I don't think any of us feel guilty. I think we just don't know what to do. We don't know how to do nothing. And that's why I'm going to come back. I want this week, this is the theme. Let's practice the art of doing nothing, even if it's just for a minute. So here's what I'm going to commit to today, and then I'm going to go to the next question. I am going to take a bath. Now, I love taking baths, but normally, this is embarrassing to admit this to you, I'm on my phone in my bath. I am literally a sicko. I sit on my phone in my bath, and I relax in my bath by answering emails. This is literally awful that I do this.

Why?

Because I don't know how to Oh, my God. Aren't we funny? I bet even if you go and treat yourself to getting your nails done, which I have not done in a month, my feet literally look like I've been farming all day, and I'm a bird with talons. I'm so embarrassed. Thank God, it's not flip-flops season. But even when I go get my nails done, the poor girl will be literally looking and trying to get me to keep my hands And what am I busy doing? I'm doing the same thing you're doing. I got my phone over there, and with wet fingernails, I am trying to scroll through my phone because I can't sit there and do nothing. So I want you to think right now about one moment of doing nothing and what that looks like for you. And now we're going to move to the next question. The next question is from Paige. Hi, Mel. Can you please talk about how to get out of your own head in order to start living your life. When I'm thrown into social situations or new experiences, I tend to get so wrapped up in my own head that my anxiety skyrockets.

It can sometimes feel like I have a spotlight on me with a panel of judges grading my every move or every sentence that comes out of my mouth. My head just can't seem to realize that no one is paying that much attention, and it's preventing me from just enjoying myself. Your podcast has been a life-changer. Can you please help me? Okay, this is an excellent question because there are two aspects to the art of doing nothing, everyone. One is the doing. And I'm even going to throw into a category. You ready? I'm even going to say doing nothing for me includes laying on the couch and just zoning out to some TV show, as long as I don't have my phone in my hand, or I don't have Sometimes I'll have a to-do list next to me. I know it's sickening, but I carry this spiral notebook around just to jot down things that pop into my mind. But if I were to just sit on the couch and not have a to-do list and not have my phone and just zone out in front of you, that's doing nothing. That counts. We're going to let that count, okay?

But there's a second part to doing nothing that is really a game changer, and that's how do you think about nothing? How do you quiet your mind? Because For me, that's the part that makes the physical doing nothing hard. Because the second I sit down, let's just say that what you're going to do tonight is you're going to make a fire, and you're going to sit down in front of the fire. Or let's just say that you've got this awesome comfy bed in your studio apartment, and you're just going to sit on your bed. Just going to sit there for five minutes. Just really do nothing. You know what will happen? Your thoughts are going to race. Your thoughts are going to be like, What am I doing? Why am I sitting here? I should be doing something. Okay, what's going on? Oh, that wall needs paint. Oh, look at the rug. I should probably do something about that rug. I haven't washed these sheets. You're going to literally be like, In our house in Sherborn, we had mice or squirrels. I don't even know what the hell they were. They lived in the walls.

It's an old farmhouse. What are you going to do? You can't get rid of them. They just come in. Honest to God, every night when I would turn off the lights, do you know what would happen? It was like a mouse parade. That's what you would hear in the walls of my house. It was like, They turn on the second the lights go off. Then you turn on the lights, and then they stop. You're like, What is happening? That's your thoughts. Try it. Try to just sit there and think of nothing. You can't. You can't. And don't worry, I'm not about to tell you to meditate. So she wants How do I get out of my own head? How do I think about nothing? Here's how you do it. First of all, you cannot trust yourself, okay? So I am not going to sit there and say, Just try to think about nothing, because it's impossible. You are a complete novice at this. I am also not going to say that you should try meditating on your own, because unlike my husband Chris, I'm not a meditation instructor, and I do not sit, crisscross applesauce and meditate every day.

I I'll practice more of a mindfulness moving meditation, which I'll talk about in a second. But if you're a novice to this, and you can't sit still or your thoughts are always racing, you need freaking help. And lucky for you and me, there is free help everywhere. Download the Calm app, download Headspace, listen on Audible, listen on Spotify, listen on iTunes, listen on Amazon Music, listen on YouTube. Do you know how many free playlists there are with guided meditations or with that SMMR? I don't even know what it's called. Asmr. Asmr? Msmr. I don't know what it is, but it's that sound where it's like... And you just listen to it and it calms your mind? What I'm trying to tell you is, do not try to calm your racing thoughts on your own. Get freaking help. Get a free app, find a playlist you like. Create a playlist of music that just makes your mind go quiet. Get help with this. Here's a couple other things you can do. You can put an alarm in your phone that goes off randomly. Let's just pick a time. How about 2:13? 2:13 PM every single day, write a little alarm that just says, take a breath, do nothing for one minute.

That's it. Now, why would you want to do that? Why Why do you want to do this? I'll tell you why. And it's common sense. If you're always on and your thoughts are always racing, is that a good thing for you? Of course not. I think about your computer or your phone. You know how when it overheats or it's been on for three or four days in a row because you haven't It turned it off, and then all of a sudden it starts rainbow wheeling, or glitching, or it's slower? What do you do? You unplug the computer or you turn off the phone. The art of doing nothing is so important because it's an intentional moment to unplug from life. It's an intentional moment where you restore your energy, where you You disrupt the chaos, where you bring your power back inside, where you regroup, and you need that. And so do I. Stress levels are so high because you're always on. You're always running from one thing to the next. You're like your phone. It occurred to me the other day because my phone was getting glitchy, and I thought to myself, When's the last time I turned this thing off?

I bet this phone has been on for three weeks in a row. Just going, going, going. It needs a moment to do nothing. It needs a moment to reset. And so the reason why the one thing I want you and I to do this week is nothing, is because we need it. And for those of us, like you and me, who You have a lot going on, and you got other people you got to take care of, and you got a lot on your plate, and you got demands at work, and you can't just take a week off and do nothing. You can't go to an ashram. You can't go to a yoga retreat. Wouldn't that be nice? That would be just freaking fantastic. I would love to go to one of those retreats where you pay a ridiculous amount of money and they take your phone away, and then you're forced to hike or just lay around. That would be amazing. I would love to go do something silent. But that's not my life right now. But I can figure out how to insert the art of doing nothing every day for a minute.

And if you're lucky enough, again, to be off work this week, you can take this as the theme of the week. How do you do less? How do you find moments of nothing? How do you sit with the discomfort of not doing your to-do list, not racing to the grocery store, not trying to get something else done? What if you just let yourself be for a minute? That is exactly what you need. It's exactly what I need. And this will be interesting because the truth is, I have no freaking clue how to do this. I'm just as novice as this as you are. I'm going to set the reminder, 2:13. Stop. Take a breath. Do nothing for a minute. And I'm also going to have a song ready because songs really help me. In fact, I found a really good one. Hold on, let me see. I heard this song the other day. Let me see if I can find it, because this was so good. I put this in my family group chat. You know it's a good song when it's in your family group chat, because is it's going to be enjoyed by all the generations.

Although I'll admit that nobody actually wrote back and said, That's a great song. But I think it's a great song. Let me find this thing for you. Standby, please. Did I text this on my phone? Oh, there it is. Hold on. No, it's not. Oh, God. Darn it. Where is it? Hold on. Standby. Oh, I know where it is. Okay, hold on. But anywho. Okay, so let me play this song for you. So I found this song, and this is a good technique It's great for me. This song is very old. It's called Genesis, and it's one of those trippy songs, like you might expect in a yoga class. Here we go. You know, there's a theme here. I like trippy music. That has a George Winston meets yoga meets psychedelic medication vibe to it, I think. And when I hear music like that, I just pay attention to the music, and I notice my thoughts melt away. And so for me, my little thing that I'm going to do, 2:13, It goes off. Do nothing for a minute. Take a breath, and I'm going to put that song on because that will focus my mind on something other than all the crap that's normally spending.

That's what I'm going to do.

I'm going to use this tool that I often use, which I call putting yourself in pause.

My cat's about to come. I can hear him meowing, Mr. Noodle.

Noodle.

Come here, bud.

You know, there's nothing like a cat coming into a space to bring you into the moment. Have you ever noticed that? So put yourself in pause. I just want you to do that with me right now. As you could tell, the emotions are totally overwhelming, not only because I'm exhausted and I've been sick, but because I'm really disappointed I'm not going to spend the weekend with my daughters. The cat is now on my lap, and I'm going to put myself in pause, and I want you to do this with me right now. Just stop for a second, okay? Close your eyes unless you're driving a car. Put your hand on your heart, and let's take a deep breath. Just be still for a moment. Take another deep breath. There's power in the pause. And look, the pause isn't going to change what's going on in your life right now. But every time you put yourself in pause, you become a little bit more equipped to handle it. I think you can hear that I'm starting to gain a little bit of steadiness in my voice. The deep breath helped me come back into my body instead of letting those emotions and the sadness and the fatigue overwhelm me.

So today, I want you to remember, you can put yourself in pause whenever you need it. Just repeat that mindful moment that we shared together. And if someone that you know is sick like me, or they're running on overdrive, which means they're about to become sick like me, or if they just need the reminder to slow down, to take a breath, to put themselves in pause for just a second, and gather their strength so they can face whatever they're facing and carry on.

Please share this message with them.

Now, I'm going to be on the couch all day with my cat, Mr. Noodle. I'm going to be taking a big, long pause, and here's my promise. I'll be back to you very soon. And in the meantime, if you want more tools for making your life calmer, simpler, and happier, go listen to the episode, How to Let Go: Two Simple Ways to Find Clarity and Move on. And one more thing, in case no one else tells you, let me be the one to tell you. That I love you, I believe in you and your ability to create a better life. And part of that means learning how to slow down, put yourself in pause, take a breath, and gather your strength.

So Dr. John and Julie Gottman, they are the most prominent researchers on the topic of love and relationships. And their research has found that couples who are happy, you know why they're happy? They know how to have fun together. Well, that It ends to all relationships, particularly with your family. I know that the second that you walk into mom or dad's house, you feel like you're eight years old again. I know the second that you're around your family, even though you love your brothers and sisters, there's the golden child, there's the middle child, there's the favorite, you fall right back into the old roles. Well, here's the thing about fun. Fun lessens the stress. Fun helps you sleep better. Fun makes you happier. It makes you smarter, and it strengthens your relationships when you're having fun with other people. And you know that this is true. And look, you aren't the only one. Here's how sad the topic of fun is.

Researchers have a word to describe the fact that you and I are not having as much fun as we should. You want to hear the words? It's pretty sad.

Researchers say that you and I are living in a fun drought. My mouth is not just dry. Apparently, my whole life is dry. 97% of us, according to the research, and that includes you and me, wish we had more fun. 60% of adults believe that their life is just way too grown up. I know I feel that way. Don't you wish you could go into a time machine and sit back at the kids table again and be elbowing your cousins and laughing at all the adults? Well, that brings me to the next piece of research. 73% of us miss aspects of our childhood, like birthday parties or family celebrations Let's just talk about your own family for a second. Forget about what your relationship is like right now.

I want you to think back through time.

What are the best memories that you have with your family?

I guarantee you, what popped right into your mind were the fun times.

When I think about my family, the Schneebergers, you know what I think about? I think about game night. I think about the fact that we love playing Yuker and back cammin, and we always divide up into teams. And my mom and I are a great team because we love to smack talk, and then it's like the ladies against the guys. And we will play cards for hours.

Cribs, yuker. I just love those nights.

And we laugh and we're competitive. Or I can think of another memory that comes to mind for me is Wiffleball. When my little nephews were tiny, they're twins, and they're 14 now, and they're taller than I am, Well, I'd get out there when they were little, and I would always have to drop out of the Wiffleball game because I haven't had my bladder surgery yet. And then everybody would laugh about how, aunt Mel just peed herself. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. And they'd try to make me laugh, so I would pee myself. Or when we go visit my parents. My dad always rents a pontoon boat, and not just any pontoon boat. There is only one place on Muskegan Lake where you can rent a pontoon boat. This pontoon boat is like 30 years old. We have rented the same thing Every year that we go back and visit. And this thing's like, chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga. And the last time, last summer, when we were back there that we rented it, it died in the middle of the lake. Honest to God. But it was a blast. We laughed and laughed and laughed, and my dad had to wave down a boat and get a ride.

It was a whole thing.

But we always have fun.

And I guarantee you, when I go back this summer, it'll be that same 31-year-old pontoon boat, and we'll all wonder if it will actually be able to have enough horses horsepower to do tubing. On Chris's side of the family, when I think about memories there, it's always fun stuff, too. How excited all nine cousins were when they get together and they would spend hours and hours and hours, particularly in the winter, building jumps on this huge hill that we live on. And then they would slet on it. And honestly, the last time they all did that, it's sad. I bet it was about 15 years ago. Or another memory. We had this epic lip sync battle, one Thanksgiving. Where all of not only Chris's family got together, but all of his cousins came, too. And it was every family was a band. It was this incredible battle. Absolutely amazing. Do you know when that was? Thirteen years ago. So it begs the question, if you always remember the fun times, why are we having fun anymore? There's nothing wrong with me.

Those five words, There's nothing wrong with me.

That will change your entire life.

Just a Can you imagine how big of a breakthrough it is if you could wake up every single day and believe there's nothing wrong with me. Because the fact is, there is nothing wrong with you. I spent And God, Oak, 40 plus years of my life waking up every day, believing there was something wrong with me.

And one of the first things that everybody has to do, if they're going to have a breakthrough in self-acceptance and self-kindness. Let's not even go to self-love yet.

Let's just start with self-acceptance. You must start to tell yourself, There's nothing wrong with me.

There's nothing wrong with me. Acceptance just means accepting yourself exactly as you are and exactly as you aren't.

There's nothing wrong with me. That right there, if you you could just do that would completely change your relationship with yourself.

Because we can't stop what other people might say, but you can absolutely alter and reprogram the way you talk to yourself. I just want to point out that that bar right there, there's nothing wrong with me. If you just flip from constantly looking for what's wrong, and now you start reminding yourself, There's nothing wrong with me. Yeah, there are things that I could improve, of course, but there's nothing wrong with me. That is acceptance right there. And then you had this second epiphany, which is you thought, well, if nothing's wrong with me, why don't I just like myself?

What a radical idea.

I mean, imagine how much your life changes. When you say to yourself, Why don't I just like myself? I mean, other people can have opinions, but why don't I just like myself exactly as I am?

I mean, I'm a good person. I'm trying hard.

What's stopping me from liking myself? I mean, it's a radical question. I mean, what's stopping you from liking yourself? Well, if you're like most of us, you're basically holding some goal out as the thing that you got to do. Like, Oh, I'd like myself if I lost 30 pounds. I'd like myself if I didn't have manboobs. I'd like myself if I didn't have bills piled up to the ceiling on my kitchen. I'd like myself if I didn't make all those mistakes. See, that's where we get it all wrong. I'm just talking about self-acceptance here. Because based on the research, you will never, ever feel motivated to change anything for the better if you're bashing yourself all the time. So number one, there's nothing wrong with you. Number two, liking yourself is not going to happen just because you lose the weight. You could make a decision to like yourself exactly where you are, simply because it feels good to like yourself, and also because you deserve that.

And you need it.

When you like yourself, when you accept yourself as you are, mistakes and all boils, warts, whatever it is that you got, we all got something.

When you feel a little bit better about yourself, an interesting thing happens. Through the self-acceptance first, there's nothing wrong with me, and through a little bit of kindness, Why don't I just like myself, or at least treat myself like I like myself? What happens, and I noticed this with you, Oakley, is that you start to act like you like yourself. You start to be kinder to yourself. You start to feel a little bit more motivated. The more you treat yourself as if you like yourself, the more other people can have their opinions. But your opinion is that you think you're a pretty good person, and you treat yourself kindly, and then it starts to to snowball from there. Imagine if you realize that the only thing that's stopping you from liking yourself is your own judgment.

That means that you have the power to remove the judgment and add in kindness.

And that changes everything. And that's not only something that makes a lot of sense, there's a lot of research around this. That when you accept yourself and you're kinder to yourself, that you start to take better care of yourself. When you look in the mirror and you're like, Oh, I hate my man poops. Do you feel motivated to do something? No, of course not. That's why I can't make a difference with you. Because the lack of motivation comes from your self-criticism. And so this whole thing hinges on acceptance first, and then kindness towards self. That's exactly how everything changes. And I watched that happen with you, Oak.

So I promised you an exercise, because step one is you have to get honest with yourself and claim what you want. That's step one. And so I'm going to tell you that, and I want you to think about your dream. I want you to think about what's calling you. I want you to think about the thing that would be so magical if you could make it happen. But you've been arguing against yourself, and I want you to allow yourself to claim it. And as you sit there and think about the dream in your own life, let's go back to Los Angeles. Let's go back to that stage, and let's check in with Barbara, because I'm going to ask her to start getting honest. And what I want you to pay attention to, is I want you to pay attention to how much She starts to joke and make excuses and dismiss how serious I am about dreams.

Maybe you needed to move to South Florida to actually feel and understand in your soul who you are and what you want. It's a scary thing to admit what you want because it's It's true. It might not happen. Right. Yeah.

I've come so close to it happening so many times, and it hurts so much. It's all so scary. There's part of me that's like, No, don't do that.

But why is it scary?

Because I don't want to go into debt, and I want to be at least somewhere.

So I thought, Well, I have this... But here's what I want you to understand. You have not You've not gotten honest with yourself about what you actually want. You're putting all the energy into, But I don't want to go into debt. But I don't want to do this, but I don't want to do that. So then you do that anyway. Yes.

That's the first step. Honesty. And it's very sobering when you get honest. Because for many of us, I mean, look at me. I spent 11 years making excuses for why I couldn't start a podcast. And all those excuses and the dancing around and oh, brushing it off, and I'm not really that serious about it. It's painful. Your dream isn't painful. Like she's talking about how scared she is that the dream is not going to turn out. What's actually painful is how much energy you're putting into avoiding what you want and what you deserve. And the three big ways that we extinguish that flame inside of us and we put distance between our Ourselves and the dreams that are meant for us is number one, we literally downplay them. Anytime you make a joke about your dream, anytime you're like, I'm not that serious about it, you're putting distance between you and your dream. You're taking a bucket of water and you're trying to extinguish the flame inside you.

Anytime you make excuses, I don't have the money, I can't do it, I don't have the time.

Same thing. Cold bucket of water on that flame. Stop doing it. And the third thing, when she really gets honest, when you have that moment of reckoning with yourself, and you can claim what you want, it's terrifying. It really is because you allow yourself to feel desire. You allow your sofa just a second to feel possibility. Possibility. Just imagine how incredible it would be to do a stadium tour and sing your own songs. And when you allow yourself to entertain the fact that that's the dream that's meant for you, you allow yourself to stand close to that flame. You You allow it to burn a little brighter. And then we get scared. What if it doesn't happen? And you convince yourself that your dream is scary. And your dream isn't scary at all. Your excuses and your fear of it, and your joking is what's scary. And so how do you keep this dream alive? And this is a really important exercise, particularly for those of you who say, I don't know what I want, Mel. I don't know what my dream is. I have a very simple exercise that I have taught to hundreds of thousands of people.

It's Back by Science, and this is an exercise that is going to help you get back in touch with dreaming. See, I think part of the problem is that we've all gotten into this mode where we don't want to get our expectations up. So we put a lid on our own desires. We don't allow ourselves to want what we want. We don't allow ourselves to be in touch with the things that we really long for. And it's the fact that you won't even give yourself permission to dream. That's also making you feel unworthy. And so how are we going to tap back into this dream inside you? How are we going to get your desires flowing freely? How are you going to get you to start to believe that you're worthy of the things that you long for? I'll tell you how. It's very simple. Every single morning, you are going to make a cup of coffee or tea, and as part of your morning routine, you are simply going to write down five dreams a day. That's it. Five dreams a day. You are going to make it a habit to claim what you want, if only by writing it on a piece of paper.

And having taught this to hundreds of thousands of people, I already know what your questions are going to be. Are they the same things I write down? Are they big things? Are they little things? Are they things that can happen? What are they, Mel? Here's how you're going to do this. Do not overthink it. Sit down, you have a blank piece of paper, and just write down five things you want. It could be, I want that new Gucci handbag, and you might not be able to pay for groceries right now. It might be, I want my puppy to stop pooping on the living room rug. It might be, I want to be the number one podcast host in the world. It might be, I want to do a stadium tour. I want to write a song that helps heal the world. I want to have a wonderful relationship with my mom, who I currently hate. Your dreams are yours. Do not judge them. Do not shrink them. This exercise is about clearing out the blockage and the gunk that has blocked the highway between your heart and your soul, and what you will give yourself permission to want and desire in your life.

Your self-doubt, your feelings Feeling that you're not worthy, your excuses, your people-pleasing. It's all blocking your access to this longing, to this dream within you. And so we got to just get the gears turning. We got to get these, the I don't even know what you call it, but this is a way to grease the gears and get you free flowing. Why shouldn't you do a stadium tour? Why shouldn't you have that new Gucci handbag, if that's what you want? You can certainly do the work to get it. Why shouldn't you be happy or healthy or heal your cancer? These dreams are there for a reason. We got to get them out of your head where you bury them with excuses, and we got to get them into the world in real-time, where you can see them on a piece of paper. Now, reason number one why you're going to do this: five dreams a day. They can be the same dreams, they can be different dreams, they can be big dreams, they can be little dreams, they can be thematic, they can be specific stuff, they can be anything you want. We just need to get your dreams and your desires flowing freely without you putting the lid on, invalidating or arguing against them.

So there's a second reason why this exercise is so effective, and it has to do with something called the Zeigarnik effect. Now, the Zeigarnik effect is a extraordinarily well-documented effect in your brain that was first discovered by a Lithuanian psychologist named Bluma Zeigarnik, and she had her first study published about psychology and this theory in 1927. So this has been around for a long time. And what is the Zeigarnik effect? Well, the Zeigarnik effect is this. Inside of your brain, there is a mental checklist function. And whenever something is important to you, your brain is like, Oh, ding, ding, ding. I guess she wants to do a stadium tour. Oh, ding, ding, ding. I guess she wants to get her cholesterol down. Whenever something's important to you, your brain takes notice, it opens up a mental checklist, and then your brain has this really interesting function where it will now work with you to help remind you of this thing that's important to do It's like a little to-do list in your brain. And the Zeigarnic effect is once your brain knows something is important, and it's important if you keep writing it down, your brain is going to go to work trying to help you get it done.

And the Zeigarnic effect is so pronounced that it is used, everybody, in software design. You know how they talk about gamification? You know how you got to film out a form and then all of a sudden a little reminder pops up that's like, you're 64% complete. Well, that's the Zeigarnic Effect. That's this mental checklist thing saying, You're not done yet. You got a little bit more to go. And so this is so effective. And so, again, I'm going to summarize this, and I'm also going to help you. If you go to melrobinds. Com/dreambig, melrobinds. Com/dreambig, I got a free download for you. Not only are we going to give you some of the key takeaways from this episode, but we're going to give you prompts so that you can print out this free sheet and use it every single morning to write down your five dreams. To tap into the Zeigarnic effect inside your brain to help you keep those dreams alive and to help you start letting your desires and your worthiness flow freely through you. Okay, so we've covered a couple of key topics so far. Your dreams are not a joke. They matter.

You got to claim them. This exercise of writing down five things you want every single morning is going to tap into that superhighway, and it's going to help you build the neuro pathways to give yourself permission to want things. It's going to help you tap into this flame inside you that is burning and it is begging for you to let it help you.

This next one is super interesting, and it is about willpower. A big study from UPenn in Michigan looked at 20,000 high schoolers as they studied for and took the SAT exam. What they found, taking into account socioeconomic status, all of their prior achievements throughout high school, even, what matters the most for their study plan and their scores is if they didn't rely on willpower and set themselves up with strategies to better be able to study.

So you're saying if the students didn't do what I did or didn't do what I see my kids doing, which is basically you got the laptop open, you got the phone on, you got piles of books all around you, and you're just going to try to plow through it. If instead you get deliberate about chunking it out, putting the phone to the side, having deliberate blocks of time to study that you're going to do better on the test.

Yeah. Why? In particular, the ones they mentioned was disabling your cell phone.

Okay, so turn the phone off. If you're serious about performing better, you got to turn the phone off when you're preparing. Okay, that's number one.

Setting up a A distraction-free place to get your work done.

Setting up a distraction-free place. I'm starting to smile, Tracey, because yesterday, Tracey and I were going over the final draft to our newsletter that goes out twice a week. It's amazing. Just go to melrowins. Com to sign up for it. Tracey was trying to get me to focus.

Mel was doing some online shopping while writing the newsletter to you guys, two tabs open.

And so Tracy was so awesome. She, without skipping a beat, you didn't even look at me. You just reached your hand over and shut the laptop and then shoved it away from me. I did. You did what the study is telling. And do you know how quickly we wrapped up the final oven?

Yeah, we focused right in and an awesome newsletter went out. Totally. Yeah. And then the other strategy as well, in addition to distraction-free and disabling your cell phone, is creating a schedule to study.

So Take a look at the week. If you've got a big project or you got something and schedule in blocks of time where you're going to go to that distraction-free thing and you're going to turn off your cell phone. And that if you were to do that, did they find anything about how it also took less time or just that you were more effective whatever time you put in.

More effective, yes. One thing they found that did not work was when people said that they willed themselves to study. Willpower did not lead to results because willpower fades. We We can't rely on willpower. While this is about the SAT, you could probably generalize these results for anything where high performance or studying or preparation is needed.

Are you suggesting that sitting on the couch with Netflix on and my laptop open is not a good way to research podcast episodes?

Probably. Depending on how long you want it to take, if you want to study more efficiently, faster, and just perform better, yeah, put phone on Do Not Disturb. Go into your other room. Shut the laptop. Shut the laptop. And also look at your calendar in the morning and say, What am I going to get done today? Simple strategies lead to a huge result.

And again, I think that these are the things that in the back of your mind We go, Duh. But having these validated studies, 20,000 high school students, why wouldn't you do this unless you just want to shoot yourself in the foot and make life harder? Look, I want to also I'll say one thing to you. This stuff is heady. I'm doing my best to keep this fun and visual because when you get lost in thought, it's going to be hard to apply this. So first of all, I want to commend you for sticking with this, because now we're going to dig into the exercise. I wanted you to have the understanding, because oftentimes I personally find that if somebody just throws a science back tip or exercise or tool or tactic or strategy at me, it sounds so dumb on the surface that without the underlying applying research and mechanics and science that explains why this simple thing works, you will literally roll your eyes and not do it. Now that you have that background, I'm going to reward you with the exercise that I want you to practice. And this one is simple. So if you're cynical, if you're really smart, if you're analytical, it will sound stupid.

But I want you to hang in there because there is a really powerful thing going on in your NeuroPathways when Can you try this. And it's also an incredibly cool and fun thing to do with your family, with your friends. In fact, I get text from people all over the world who are doing it, and my kids who do not live with us, our two adult daughters, they constantly text me pictures of what I'm about to ask you to do. I promise you, it's worth trying. This is an exercise called Looking for Hearts, and this is how you play it. Every single day when You wake up, you are going to go on a scavenger hunt in your day-to-day life, and you are going to try to find a naturally occurring heart shape somewhere in the world. It could be a cloud that's shaped like a heart. You could look at your coffee and see that the foam on top has made the shape of a heart. You might get out of your car and you'll see a stain on the floor or a leaf that's the shape of a heart. I constantly, constantly see rocks.

I see heart shapes in the top of mountain ranges. I see the shape of hearts in brick buildings all the time in terms of the different colors of bricks. Here's what's interesting about this. What you'll realize is that there are probably 10,000 heart shapes that are around you in your day to day life, the stain on the carpet, the spot on your dog's back, the tear in a pair of pants, the shape of a leaf, they're everywhere. They're absolutely everywhere. Right now, you walk right by them. Why? Well, because they're not important to you. You have not told the bouncer of your brain to let the hearts in to the nightclub. So you are walking right past all these things, and they are actively being blocked out. It is not in your conscious mind. The second you start playing this game, Find a Heart, you will experience something amazing. You will experience your brain going to work for you. Here's how I want you to play this, because I do want you to play this every single day. This is truly not a game about finding hearts. This is about training your mind. This is a game where you are telling your mind, I am the freaking boss, bouncer of the mind, I pay your salary.

You are going to do what I tell you to do. You are going to find me a heart. And if you want to get paid, you are going to find me a heart. That is your job today. Find Give me a heart. So get intentional about that. And then I want you to go through your life and just let a heart shape in. And when you see it, here's what I want you to do, and if you're really analytical, you're going to think this is the cheesiest damn thing you've ever heard, but I want you to do this because there's neuroscience involved. When you see that heart, I want you to pause, and I want you to really stare at it for a minute. You can take a photo it. If it's a rock, you can pick it up or a leaf and take it with you. Because I want you to reward your brain for being flexible and for trying to help you. I want you to take that moment, for real, as cheesy as this sounds, the foam on the top of your coffee, the shadow on the floor. I want you to take a minute and really savor it and literally just go, Holy shit.

There it is. That's pretty cool. Yesterday, I walked right past this and I didn't even see it. Thank you, mind. Wow. You just changed in real-time. You just let something in that I asked you to let that in. And if you really want to supersize this, if you're somebody that's really struggling with a sense of self-worth or hope or really believing that you can turn things around, I want you to look at that and tell yourself that that was placed there for you to find. This was placed there because you needed to see evidence that it is in fact possible to change the way you think It is in fact possible to tell your mind what you want to see more evidence of, and for your mind to work for you. And once you see one heart, you will start seeing hearts everywhere. The more hearts that you see, the more that you are connecting into magic, the more that you realize that your brain is trying very hard to help you, it is going to point out hearts in the moss. It's going to point out hearts on the side you walk. You're going to see hearts on people's clothing.

You're going to see them in paintings. It's weird. They're everywhere. It's as if there is this entire world that you and I live in, and we walk by it every single day. I think that's true about everything that you want, that there is evidence all around you that things are working out, that people are trying to help you, if you're willing to see it. At the end of the day, finding hearts is not about finding hearts. It is about something so much bigger, because it's proof that you can change the wiring in your mind. You can manipulate and program this filter, the RAS, to make it work for you. And every time you see a heart, it is evidence that It is true. And so it's important because this is the first step of a mindset reset. Because if you didn't think, my mind can change. It can allow me to see the world differently. Personally, if I can't get you to see and experience that, you will never even bother trying thought substitution. And I will say there is something that some of you may experience. So this comes from from Nadie in Germany, and she wrote, Mel, I loved what you said about looking for hearts, and I've been trying it.

I even saw two hearts within an hour. But then I got nervous and was almost afraid to find them. So how do you overcome the fear of making things better? I relate to this because we're used to the way that things are. We're used to the default programming in our minds, even if it makes us miserable. And when you start to catch a glimpse of how things could be different, I think sometimes if you've experienced a tremendous amount of heartache, or you've tried so many times to put yourself out there, the idea of believing again, that it's worth trying again, that That is what's scary. Here's what I have to say to you. This is not about hope. This is hard science. Because you're living with programming right now. And I am here to tell you, it's outdated. In fact, when you start to really play around with this next piece of how you change the way that you think, you're going to realize It's that you're not even listening to your voice. You're listening to someone else's voice. It's probably your mom's or your dad's or in other caregivers. Because that negativity that's in your mind that chips away at you, that default programming that you don't even really hear?

For me, I call it my campaign of misery. I did not create this when When I was six or seven or eight, I was taught this. And so you're going to start to realize that not only do you have the power to change the filter, yes, you can see reasons to be happy. Yes, you can spot wins instead of reasons why you're a loser. Yeah, you can pay more attention to the people in your life that make you feel great instead of chasing the ones that make you feel like crap. You can change all of this. You can make your mind work for you. But what you're going to realize very quickly is, holy cow, there's this default thing in my mind that's It's not fighting my desire to be happy. It's fighting my desire to win. And so that's where we're going to go next, because there is an entirely different reality. One of the reasons why I always say to you is, I love you. I believe in you. I believe in your ability to create a better life. The reason why I say that to you all the freaking time, and I mean it, is because I know you don't say that to yourself.

And I didn't say that to myself for a long time either. I don't need to meet you to say, I love you. Because love is a verb. Love is how you show up in the world. This podcast is an act of love for me. It is a way to connect with you. It's a way for me to support you and empower you. I show up here because I do believe in you. I don't care what's happened to you. You cannot convince me that you cannot change. I have way too much evidence on my side. You When I have your experience. I've got an army of a million people that I've seen change. And so I know you can change, because I know you can take the actions to make your mind a better place. You can take the actions to make your life feel better. You can take the actions to improve your relationship with yourself. And this is the most exciting part. This is the thing I am working on myself day in and day out. You can take the actions that reclaim your brain, that reprogram your mind, and that make your mindset and your thoughts work for you.

I mean, all this shit is made up that we're saying anyway. So if you can think bad thoughts, why not think good ones? Does it actually make you happy to tell yourself that you suck and that there's something wrong with you? And is it even true? So if you can make that crap up, if you can adopt what somebody else says about it, can't you make up your own? Of course you can. And so let's get to that substitution diet. This is the Mel Robbins way to describe what researchers call cognitive bias modification. It's literally catching default thoughts and substituting something better. And one of the best example of this is the next time that you start obsessing, obsessing over what could go wrong. What if I don't like it? What if it doesn't What if I get rejected? What if I look stupid? What if they judge me? What if this? Say this, What if it works out? What if it works out? The more you say out loud, What if it works out? You substitute the negative bullshit with something positive. What if it works out? I mean, can you argue with me on that one?

What if it works out? I didn't say it will work out. I said, What if it does? Because you don't know whether it's going to work out or not, do you? And when you allow your default wiring to filter the world with the belief and the thought that, what if it doesn't work out? What if I fail? What if this? What if that? Those thoughts filter the world a certain way. The thought, what if it doesn't work out, makes you not apply. It makes you not write that book. It makes you not go to the gym. It makes you sit home alone. Those thoughts are filtering your experience of life a particular way. And because the filter in your brain is paying attention to what you care about, It believes that's what you want. So as you scan the world around you, you see reasons why it's not going to work out. Didn't happen last time. It's a weird world after the pandemic. I don't want I embarrass myself. I feel uncomfortable. When you start to engage in thought substitution, what if it all works out? What if leaving my house is the best decision I've made in a decade?

What if I meet the person that I was destined to meet? What if going to 90 meetings in 90 days at AA changes my life? What if it all works out? See how that mindset Cognitive set switch. Cognitive bias modification. See how that leads you to feeling more encouraged? What if I make these 10 cold calls and nobody takes the call, but I'm okay. What if I walk up to this house that I think is going to go on the market and I knock on the door, and it turns out I buy it before it comes on the market? What if I get into my dream school? You're more likely to apply if you're like, Well, what if it does work out? And this is why this is so important, because your brain is paying attention to what's important to you. And I don't think any of us have a clue how much air time we give to negative thinking, to beating ourselves down, to assuming that life is going against you, to thinking something's to beating yourself up, to comparing yourself to other people. When you start to pay attention to two facts, number one, your mind is trying to help you, and number two, when you figure out what's important to you and you make it a priority, your mind will adjust in real-time and help you see an entirely new world.

When you see that it's possible that you could get into your dream school, that's a whole new world. When you see When you see that it's possible that you'll make the best friends of your life in the next year of your life, a whole new world is possible. When you see that you can not only get your dream job, but you can land your dream job, and it has a bonus, a whole new world is possible. It begins with two simple things I want you to do. Look for hearts so you experience that a whole new world is possible, that there's a world that you're walking by every day. This is critical. I do this every single day. It sounds like such a dumb thing. I often think about this moment where a reporter is like, so what's your secret to success. And I'm like, look, I look for a heart every day. I mean, it sounds so stupid, doesn't it? But what I'm actually saying is I am actively engaged in the process of training my brain. Just like you would lift weights or resist weights or whatever it is that you do if you want biceps, you are training your body to be strong.

I'm training my mind every single day to work for me. And every time I see a heart, it's a reminder. Oh, yeah? My brain will tell me what I want it to tell me. And so I can either let the campaign of misery take control of my RAS, or I can tell my brain, no, it is important to be happy. It is important to feel like I'm winning. It's important to put myself out there in light. I need some help with this brain. And so the hearts for me is a simple way to explain this profound amount of research out there and put it into practical use. And this idea of a substitution diet for the shit you've been thinking forever that no longer serves you, that's a simple way for me to explain to you. You're not stuck with the thoughts that you think. That idea right there, that's the whole thing. That's everything. You are not stuck with the thoughts that you think. You can Let them rise up, but you don't have to grab them and grip onto them and wrestle them to the ground. You'll be like, Oh, there's that stupid thought that my dad taught me to think.

Bye, dad. I choose to think something else because I know what cognitive bias modification is. And that horse shit that you said that I was a failure or didn't mount up to something or wasn't wanted, I don't believe that shit anymore. Because it's important to me to not only see hearts, but it's important to me to encourage myself to believe in myself, to believe in my life and my effort and my ability. Because that's what I believe. That's why I'm here. You can do that. If I can do this shit, you can do this stuff. You have no idea how screwed up I was. If you wanted to go toe to toe with somebody that had the darkest thoughts in the world, Mel Robbins will go toe to toe with you any day. And you cannot get rid of it entirely. But thought by thought, you can learn how to not get hooked by it, and you can learn how to start to reprogram your mind. And I'm also going to tell you something. I said at the very beginning, it's not one and done. This is not toxic positivity. I'm not here to sell you a pill to make your problems go away.

I'm here to tell you that there will be times in your life where the negativity comes back and the default comes back and things get overwhelming. That happened to me just six months ago. When big things happen in your life, it can take you down for a little bit. But coming back to this stuff, over and looking for There's the parts, there's the confirmation. I still, even though life sucks, my brain is still trying to help me. And really, I'm telling you, I call it hand-to-hand combat with your mind because that's what you're engaged in. Those negative thoughts either hook you and take you down or you're like, That's interesting. My grandmother's still bitching at me and she's dead. I don't really need this in my default program anymore. You know? That's what's available to you. I mentioned earlier that this cognitive bias modification tools that we're talking about today work because not only have I used them in my own life, but also because we've had 250 There are 50,000 students that I've taught a course about reframing your mindset, resetting your mindset to. We do these extensive surveys afterwards. One of the things that I know from our data is that the number one negative thought that people struggle with is, I'm not good enough.

I believe that everybody struggles with this. There are two reasons why. Number one, many of you grew up in a household where your lived experience was that you were told you weren't good enough, or you felt like you weren't good enough. Even if you grew up in a household where you didn't feel that way, you felt safe, you felt secure, You went to an elementary school or a middle school, and you went through the period of human development called adolescence and teenage years, where you separate from your family and you're The number one objective, developmentally, is to bond with friends. It's during that horrendous period of time that we call middle school, that most of us start to size ourselves ourselves up in relation to other groups of people. Oh, they're the theater kids. I'm not good enough for them. Oh, the sports kids. I'm not good enough for them. Oh, the rich kids. I'm not good enough for them. It's a protection mechanism because you don't want to get hurt by approaching a group that you think is going to reject you. This is totally normal. We all have it. Ironically, what we do is we tell ourselves we're not good enough for certain groups or certain people.

But our brains pay attention. Our brains at that little age, and the filter in our brain starts to change and starts to scan the world for all the places you don't belong. That's my opinion about where it begins. It is part of everybody's development to go through this period where life is a sorting hat and you're trying to figure out where you fit in. I wish that our brains did the opposite and basically scanned the world and we're like, Oh, let's just scan and see all the opportunities to fit so that you amplify your strengths. But instead, we focus on our lack, and we do it as little kids. Because we've been doing it for so long, whether it began inside your home because of how you were treated or in your community because of how you were treated, it definitely was an experience that you had when you were younger of trying to fit in. It happens to all of us. The The opportunity of your adult life and the rest of the time that you have is to reclaim your experience of life, to see all the places, not where you don't fit in, but all the places where you can go, all the places where you could be, all the wins that you have, all the strengths that you have, all the magic you have to give.

That's the opportunity when it comes to changing your mindset and changing your brain. And And when you take that on, because I believe that's true. I believe you fit in. I believe you belong. I believe you have incredible gifts to share with the world. I believe that you deserve happiness. I believe that you have huge wins every single day. And that I want you to give yourself credit for them. I believe that you've survived a ton of crap, and you don't even give yourself credit for that. I believe that you're pretty awesome. And I want you to start to have a brain that filters the the world in that direction. And so that's why I'm telling you this. We all struggle with it to some extent, and in moments of weakness, it's going to be there again. But that's okay because you can search for hearts and you can tell yourself, what if it all works out? You can remind yourself that we're all a work in progress. You can look for wins every day instead of the things that went wrong. You can spend more time with people that make you feel good instead of chasing places you really don't like.

All this is possible. And I want this for you, which is why I hope you'll try this. And simple reframes, if you don't feel good enough, is you can be like, I'm a work in progress. I can figure it out. The people who love me are the people who I need in my life. This is important. I really hope you take this on, and this is the work that you'll do for the rest of your life. And it's worth it because the happiest days of our Our lives are the red head of us. Truly, I want that for both of us. I've spent far too much time beating myself up and looking for what's wrong and searching for reasons to feel tortured or lonely and to stop myself. It's just horseshit. I'm so sick of it, and I'm sure you're sick of it, too. I'm sharing all this because even though I teach this stuff, it's easy stuff to listen to or talk about. You You got to put it into practice, and so do I. You got to catch yourself when the negativity starts. You got to cut off the voice in your head that is not your own.

You got to knock this middle school shit off and start claiming your adult life because you do deserve to be happy. And even if you don't love yourself, I'll tell you what, I love you. Even if you don't believe in yourself, that's okay. I believe in you. And I'm going to keep on saying it until you catch up with me. Because I do believe that you can You can take the steps to reprogram your mind. You can take the steps to shut up that negativity in your head. You can take the steps to filter the world in an entirely new way and see how it's working to help you. It doesn't take a whole lot of time to create a better life. Now, go find a heart. I love you. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, by God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.