We are going to talk about the three things that you need to accept about other people. These are things I need to accept, too. These are not easy things to accept. But trust me, when you accept these truths, the three truths about other people, it's going to make your life easier. And I'm excited to talk to you about this topic because it's very clear, based on the number of questions that you have submitted at melrobinds. Com about other people. Mel, how do I get my spouse to change? Mel, how do I get How do I inspire my kid to change? Mel, how do I inspire my team? Mel, what do I do about this person over there and that person over here? Or there's a different version of this question you've been asking, too, which is, as I'm changing, why are my family not that supportive? Why is it that as I make big changes in my life, I'm not getting the support that I deserve? Why is the people around me not joining in on all these positive changes I'm making that are inspired by this Mel Robbins podcast thing? Well, I'll tell you what, we're going handle that today because it's clear that you need more advice, you need more inspiration, and you need more Mel Robbins on this topic about how to deal with other people.

And there's something else. I need more of something. I need more of you. And so what you're going to hear today is you're going to hear listeners of the Mel Robbins podcast asking questions on this topic. And we are going to jump in and unpack these three truths that you got to accept, I I got to accept about other people. Now, before I tell you the three truths, I just want to say one other thing. I have been absolutely floored by your response to this show, and I want to thank you. I want to thank you for spending your time with me, and I also want to thank you for sharing this with the people in your life. I was in California the other day, and I was ordering a sandwich at a deli, and this woman who made my sandwich as she handed me over the little sandwich wrapped in the white after they put the little sticker on it, she leans forward and she says, I didn't want to say anything, but I've been listening to your podcast. My sister shared an episode with me, and I just want to tell you something.

I immigrated here as a little girl from Africa, and I feel like what I'm learning on this podcast, she was whispering. I don't know if she didn't want her colleagues to hear or her boss She's like, I didn't know why she was whispering, but she's whispering, and she had these big glasses on just like me. And she said, But I feel like what I'm learning on this podcast, it's helping me sprout wings so I can fly and reach heights that I've always dreamt of. I want to tell you, that is a shared success. You are helping me do that. Together, we are creating a positive ripple around the world. Together, we are inspiring people to dream bigger, to face obstacles and challenges, and most importantly, to feel a little less alone. And so I just want to thank you. I want to thank you for your time. I want to thank you for sharing these episodes with your friends, with your family. I want to thank you for posting it on social media because you just never know how sharing this stuff is going to change somebody's life. And I'm telling you right now, you are part of a force for good in this world that is empowering other people.

And that's why I want you to know the three things that you have to accept about other people. Okay? And let me tell them to you right now. And then as we go through I'm going to go back to the questions, I am going to unpack these at a deeper level and explain to you that these truths, they're there no matter what issue you are dealing with when it comes to other people. So truth number one, if they wanted to They would. Truth number two: You can't make somebody else change. You can make them dinner, you can make them laugh, but you cannot make someone else change. Number three: Stop being mad that people aren't who you want them to be. Those are the three truths. They are hard to accept, but when you do, they make your life easier. And as we go through these questions one by one, and I I not only give you more inspiration, more advice, more research about the specific issues in each question, I'm going to come back to these three truths over and over and over again and show you how accepting these three truths and applying them to all your relationships, it actually makes your life easier.

And it's also easier on other people, because what you're going to find out is because they apply not only to other people, but they also apply to you and me. So let's just take rule number one. If If they wanted to, they would. Now, that stings when you think about other people, when you think about folks in your life that, boy, I wish they'd make an effort. I wish they'd show up. I wish they'd reach out. I wish they'd try a little bit harder. I wish they'd get healthier. I wish they'd... Yeah, if they wanted to, they would. But guess what? It also applies to you. There are people in your life that wish you would make an effort, that wish you would change some aspect about you. And the truth about all of us is we do the things we feel like doing. And when it matters to you, you do it. And it is hard to accept the fact that if you want to know where somebody stands on an issue, watch their actions. That tells you exactly what they want to do and what they don't want to do. Do not listen to their words because it's easy to say, Yes, no, I do this, I'll do that, to talk the talk.

But talk is cheap. And so it is hard to accept that if they wanted to, they would. And And the truth about you is, if you wanted to, you would. And so I wanted to say this swings both ways. Everything that we're going to talk about is true about other people, and it's also true about you. And I like reminding both of us that because it gives you a level of humility and a little bit more compassion when you get into situations with people where they're not doing what you want them to do. That brings me to our first question from Lisa. Hi, Mel. My name is Lisa, and I have a question for you. Mel, I am currently struggling with being a more tolerant person. I struggle with accepting others and their bullshit. We all have bullshit, and we all have to carry it, deal with it, and unload it. Don't get me wrong. I have worked on myself for years, trying to be better and do better. But damn, I want to scream sometimes, Just be better. I have had to deal with so much in life, but I've always wanted more for myself and my family, regardless of the shit that life serves up.

Meeting people where they are in life is so important. I know and understand this, but my patience is tried when people wallow. Any advice, Mel? Okay, I love this question, and I'm sure you can relate to it as much as I can relate to it. And before I dig into this, I want to I'm going to divide Lisa's questions into two different topics, okay? So the first topic is her frustration that people don't want to do better. That's topic number one. Topic number two is how to deal with what's really irritating, which is people who, wallow was her word, I say marinate, commiserate, just absolutely, at some level, love their bullshit. You know those people. Something's always wrong. They're always complaining. The weather's always bad, or they're always unhealthy. You know that person. So let's start with the first part of that, which is this frustration that you hear in Lisa's voice. I just want them to do better. I've done better. There's almost like an arrogance and a judgment in that, right? That, Oh, well, if I've fixed myself, you should fix yourself. If I can do this, then you should do this. And to me, that's toxic positivity.

Just assuming that because you've done it, that somebody else should. And I'm emphasizing the word should, because should holds judgment. If you have the perspective that if I've done it, then you could do it, too, that's inspiration. That's helping somebody. And so what you want to make sure that you're doing is that if you're frustrated, That you're coming from a place of love, and coming from a place of wanting to help somebody, rather than coming from a place of judgment, of the should, of the, you're not doing this, you're not doing that. Because we've all been on the receiving end of that, right? Where somebody's beating you down because they've done something, and they think you should do something. I can give you a really good example of this, because I think there's a big difference of somebody being capable of doing something, and somebody not being capable yet. As a person that is new to personal development, and I'm talking about myself, I've only known about personal development for just over 10 years. I am new to therapy. I mean, I've been engaged in therapy for a long time, but I feel like it takes a while to understand that there are certain things that a lot of people have never even thought about or been taught.

I didn't bump into a lot of the topics that I'm talking about right now until I was in my mid-forties. For example, I'll give you one. I didn't truly understand trauma. When I heard the word trauma, I thought that that was something that people that served in the military had. I thought that you had to be on a tour of duty and see absolutely something horrific or be somewhere where there's extreme violence, or be the victim of a really violent crime. I did not realize that there's big T trauma and there's little T trauma. I didn't realize that growing up in a household where you experience emotional abuse, or you have parents that are distant or mismatched, or maybe you experience a childhood where there is a lot of poverty or there is discrimination. These are all forms of trauma. I had no idea. And And so there are people in your life that would love to change, but they can't right now because they don't even understand that they are trapped in some a trauma pattern. They're not aware of it. There are people in your life that would love to have the level of fitness that you have.

They love to have the level of discipline that you have, but they're not capable of it right now because they maybe are struggling with depression, or maybe they don't have the family structure around them that is supportive that you have, or maybe they didn't have the experiences that you've had in your life that have allowed you to develop the habits that you've had. And so I think it's really important when you start to feel yourself frustrated with other people to to check your ego and to ask yourself, well, am I in the lane of wanting someone to better themselves because I care about them and I see potential in them? Or am I in the other side of this, which is I'm being really I'm not necessarily judgy. That's where my frustration is coming from. And I'm assuming that somebody's got the resources and the ability and the support and the knowledge and all of the I don't know, motivation that you need in order to get started. And so I think it's super important, step one, that when you feel that frustration, when you feel yourself getting hooked, that you check yourself at the door.

Do I want them to do this because I care about them, or am I judging them? And I think that they should do this because I think that when you get into that lane and you know it, You've got to take a breath. You got to recognize that you're coming from superiority. And I want you to step to the other side because understanding is an act of love. Being compassionate is an act love. Being tolerant of where somebody is, is an act of love. I'm going to give you an example from my own life. So just this morning, Chris yelled at me. That's my husband. And I'm embarrassed to admit what happened to you. Because boy, oh boy, I will tell you, if Chris heard Lisa's question, he would say, I'm struggling with being more tolerant of my wife, Mel. And so here's what happened. Our new puppy, Homi, is going to go to a puppy class. And in order to go to this puppy training class on Wednesday, he needs to be up to date on his vaccines, right? No problem. Because when we got our puppy, when he was nine weeks old, I took him to the vet.

He got all of his shots at week 12, and that was great. I'm a responsible pet owner. This is fantastic. Then all of a sudden, the podcast launched, and I've been gone. Chris looks at me this morning and says, Why didn't you tell me that Homi is not up to date with his vaccines? I'm like, What are you talking about? I took him when we first got him. He said, Mel, that was when he was twelve weeks old. He's almost 20 weeks old, Mel. He's missed two veterinarian appointments. He is eight He weeks late on getting his vaccinations. I'm laughing because I feel so bad. And I said, Well, I... And he's like, Didn't you make follow-up appointments? I said, Yes, Chris, where's his folder that came with him when we got him as a puppy? I borrowed a Sharpie from the vet when I was checking out, and I wrote the dates in there. And sure enough, we got the folder out, and there were the two dates. We have missed both of those appointments. I He never put them in the calendar. Chris took the folder, and this is a man who never gets upset.

He took that folder, you guys. He poked it in his eyes. He poked it in his eyes. He poked it in his eyes. He poked it in his eyes. He poked it in his desk. He stood up. He didn't even wheel around on his chair. He stood up, the chair rolled away, and he said, Mel, don't give me this ADHD shit. I know you have a lot going on, but you have a living and breathing animal that you are supposed to be taking care of. This is not acceptable. You have to do better. And there's the dog barking on cue. Apparently, he agrees. I can't make this up. Everybody hates me right now. Yeah, and here's the thing, I I know that Chris wanted to scream. Chris did scream at me, Just be better. I know that I'm now going to get flooded with comments and emails about this. I'm okay with that. I know I'm going to get a lot of advice about ADHD. I know I'm going to get advice about supplements now that you're hearing this story. I'm going to get a lot of you that think I'm a terrible pet owner.

I'm cool with that. This is what actually happened this morning. And here's what I had to say to Chris. I want to do better. I don't think I can right now. I am so busy at work. I do not have an assistant. I am terrible with the calendars. I'm actually impressed that I wrote the dates down that they gave to me. I thought I'd put them in the calendar, Chris. But my brain is dropping balls left and right. And so the reason why I'm telling you this story is I'm not letting myself off the hook. I am motivated to try to figure out how to improve the systems that I have and improve the That's the level of support that I have, because I don't want to be dropping these balls. Chris doesn't need to get frustrated at me for me to feel like shit about this. Of course, I want to do better. But this is one of those instances where my brain doesn't work like his. I can't just... Chris is Mr. Foundational Operations guy. Chris methodically sits and organizes and can sit still. He's really good with tech and with Excel spreadsheets.

I am the opposite. I am absolutely the opposite. And so the reason why I'm telling you this story is because I guarantee you you have somebody in your life that, my gosh, you just want to bang your head against the wall. And you can tell yourself, if they wanted to, they would. And that's true for some things. It is true. It's true for whether or not people want to show up at an event. It's true for whether or not people reach out to you. It's true for whether or not people make an effort. It's true for whether or not people are engaging in healthy habits. If they wanted to, they would. And then there are some Sometimes that it's really important in your life, in order to manage your own frustration, to be a little bit more empathetic. That if they could, they would. And I'll tell you, I am motivated to get the support that I need so that I do not drop balls like this because I want to do better. And having Chris yell at me, it was actually helpful this morning because it just allowed him to be frustrated. It allowed me to see that this really is a big deal because he keeps picking up the slack on my behalf.

And that's not a great solution either. And so here's where the takeaway is on that. At the end of the day, it's about managing your energy. And when you allow somebody else's consistent behavior, I'm not talking about stuff where people are breaking the laws, or they're addicted to something, or something that's super, super destructive. But I've I've been married to Chris for 26 years, and I've been this forgetful, I've been this forgetful and this bad the entire time we have been together. This is not new Mel Robbins. I am definitely overwhelmed with the launch of this podcast and the move to Vermont, and all the travel recently, and not having an assistant right now. But this is standard. I have wanted to change this my whole life, and I'm trying, man. And a little bit of empathy and support goes a long way, because Because if you don't give that to the people in your life, if you're not more tolerant of the things that they're not capable of, they're just going to feel demoralized and ashamed. And so, yes, if they wanted to, they would. And make sure that if it's a situation where they can't really, or it's really hard for them, that you bring a little bit more empathy because that's going to help them.

The other thing is, let's go to number two. You can't make someone else change. So I I think this is super important because if you get as frustrated as Lisa's getting, you can feel like Chris is, You can't make someone change. You just can't do it. Yes, You can make them dinner. You can make somebody left. You can make request. You cannot make someone change. And so I'm going to tackle this in two ways. Do you know that Chris and I have come back to this issue of Mel's forgetfulness over and Over and over and over and over again? And I'd say about 15 years ago, we made a decision because I am terrible with logistics, and I am notorious at dropping balls, and I am the queen of Good Intention. I'm the Queen of Good Intentions, and I often lack the follow-through. And I'm talking simple stuff. Like, literally, here's another example. We are going to a holiday party. I think it's on the 17th of the month, and And a friend of mine texted me and said, Are you guys going to this party? I said, Yes. She said, Great. We're going to have people over for cocktails first.

I said, Great. Given that Chris and I had just thought about the dropping of the ball of the veterinarian appointment, I immediately screenshotted her text and sent it to my husband Chris and said, Honey, I don't want to forget to write this in the calendar, so I'm telling you so that you can make sure that we know and remember to go to this. That is what our system has been forever. So what's interesting is that you've got two choices when it comes to somebody and their behavior. The rule you need to remember is you can't make them change, which means you either have to stop trying to make them change, or you need to figure out how to show up differently, to make up for what they're doing wrong, or to support them in an entirely new way. And so we already had a solution for the fact that this is an issue that I cannot change. And the solution is Chris is the point person for all things. If you want us to show up, go to Chris. If you need a check written, go to Chris. If you need to make sure that it's in the calendar, go to Chris.

If the kids need a whatever it's called, You know how kids always have that exam that they need before they go to sports? What's that called? Like the annual wellness check? Thank you. You know how kids need an annual wellness check? Guess when Mel Robbins realizes they do? The day it's due. That's right. So if you do not want to have that emergency, go to Chris. But what you have to accept in your life is that you're not going to make someone else change. I'm super motivated to be better, but Chris can't make me do it. I have to be the one to do it. And so you know You know what you're doing when you put energy into being frustrated about other people who either won't or can't make that change you want them to make? You're just burning energy. Imagine if you took all that energy that you're frustrated at other people and you just poured that energy in a positive direction to make your own life better. I often think about how many years of my life I have wasted being frustrated with other people. Truly. Wishing they would change, wanting them to change, trying to make them change.

I've tried manipulating people. I've tried bribing people. I'm talking with a box of Legos or something. I've tried motivating people. I've tried inspiring people. The fact of the matter is, you can do all those things. But if somebody doesn't want to, they won't. If somebody can't, then they won't. So yes, make them dinner. Yes, make them laugh. Yes, try to be compassionate and understanding. But all of that energy and frustration that you can hear You're in Lisa, I want to scream sometimes. I'm sure you do, because you're trying to make them change. That's why you're frustrated. And that brings me to the third rule. You got to stop being mad at people for not being who you want them to be. I will never I will never be a accountant. I will never be somebody who is OCD detail-oriented. That's not me. My genius is in being creative. It's in connecting with people. It's flying by the seat of my pants. That's my genius. And somehow, Chris and I have made it work for 26 years. And I think it has to do with the fact that we are 99% compassionate, understanding, and supportive of one another.

And then there's those 1% moments that happened today over me being a dumb ass about the new puppy. And of course, I feel terrible about it, but I will never be Susie Q with the calendar. That's just not who I'm supposed to be in life, and that's okay. But I can be more responsible about getting the support I need so I don't leave other people in breakdown. And we are going to get into boundaries because I know you're already going to, Well, what do you do, Melvin? We will get there. But I want to address one other aspect of Lisa's question, and it's this. Meeting people where they are in life is so important. I know and understand this, but my patience is tried when people wallow. Any advice, Melvin, Well, I'm going to give you a specific tactic for people who wallow. I call this the 6-month rule. The people in your life get six months to wallow in anything. They have six months to wallow about the divorce. They have six months to wallow about the weight they've put on. They have six months to wallow about the job they lost or the circumstances or the weather or whatever else.

And once the the wallowing, passes the six month mark, you have a boundary to draw, okay? And this boundary works like a freaking charm because number one, if they don't want to, they're not going to change. You're just going to wallow. Number two, you can't make them change, so don't even try. Number three, you got to stop being mad about this person not being a person that you want them to be. But you can draw a boundary. And you want to hear the boundary? It's the six month rule. Here's what you say. I'll give you an example from my own life. I have a friend that got a divorce after a really... It was like, You know one of those divorces? It's just ugly. Just ugly, ugly, ugly. And the divorce was finalized, okay? This friend of mine, every time I saw her, constantly complaining about the X and the this and the that and the other thing and the other thing, and the other thing. And finally, after six months, I looked at her and I said, You are no longer allowed to talk about this in front of me. I have recommended therapists.

I have been a good friend. I have given you books to read, all of which you have done nothing about. I am no longer available to be a soundboard for your wallowing, because it is cleared to me that you don't want to do anything about this. The second that you would like to change this, I am here to support you. I am here to help you, but I am not available for you to stay stuck. I care about you too much. So if you'd like to go complain to somebody else, please do. But you are not allowed to bring this person's name up. You are not allowed to talk about your marriage, your ex-marriage, your ex, any of it. I'm not available for that anymore. And an interesting thing will happen. That person will be mortified, and they Probably won't call you for a while because they're still addicted to their wallowing. You're not trying to change them. Isn't that interesting? You're not trying to change them. You didn't say, Stop wallowing. You said, I'm not available for it. So you know who changed in that relationship? You did. You changed what you're available for.

Now, Chris could literally say to me, You're not allowed to take the animals to the vet unless I'm with you. You're not allowed to make travel plans. You're not allowed to respond to invites. He could say that to me and draw a boundary. He's not asking me to change. He's basically changing how he shows up with me, which is basically what he did about 15 years ago, and it solved most of the issues. So I want you to understand that when you understand and you accept these three truths about people, if they wanted to, they would, unless they can't. Number two, you can't change anybody. Number three, stop being mad at people for not being who you want them to You take all the power back. None of this says you can't change. And so when you get frustrated by somebody else complaining, cut off access to the complaining. You're not saying, I don't love you. You're actually saying the opposite. You're saying, I love you so much that I'm not going to be a part of you staying stuck. And as long as I listen to this garbage come out of your mouth, you are going to be stuck.

I'm not here for it. I'm here for your transformation. I am here for you creating a better life. I'm here for you moving on. I'm here for you no longer giving air time to this asshole that you're divorced to. I am here for your future. I am no longer here for your past. When your friend is ready to change, guess what? They will, because they will want to. Remember, that's rule number one. If they wanted to, They would. One of the things that I want to say before we move on to question number two is that I think a lot of us learn that part of a relationship is struggle, that there's conflict, that there's tension, that you've got to have somebody to fight against or push against, that you saw these patterns growing up, or they have been patterns in friendships or relationships. You're just used to this push-pull. Well, what if I told you that it doesn't have to be that way? That maybe if you're in relationships that feel like a lot of work, that that's a sign that the relationships that you're in are no longer are working for you. And one of the fastest ways to get rid of the struggle is drop the rope.

Now, what does that mean? So think about tug of war. When you are playing a game of tug of war, where you're on one side of the rope, and you got other people on the other side of the rope, and you're pulling back and forth, and it's a lot of effort, pulling, yanking, yanking. You want to know the best way to win tug of war? Literally, as somebody goes to yank backwards, let go of the rope. They fall on their ass, and then you yank the rope back towards you. Who said that's not fair? Of course, that's fair. Letting go of the struggle often makes the struggle go away. And so notice that Lisa's question was, Mel, I'm struggling to be a more tolerant person. And so the way you become more tolerant is accept those three things about people. If they wanted to, they would. If they could, they would. Number two, you can't make them change. Number three, stop being mad at them for not being who you want. And then you I've learned some other things. It doesn't mean you can't change. It doesn't mean you can't draw boundaries. It doesn't mean you can't say, You can do all this stuff you want, but don't do it in front of me.

I have another example of that. I have a friend who is dating somebody, and she adores him, absolutely adores him, and then confessed to me, But you know, when he goes out with his guy friends, they gamble, and he does coke, and I'm not down with that. I'm like, Don't tell me. Tell him. You're not going to change him, but you can tell him, I You're not a boundary. Don't you do that around me? That'll make somebody think because you're following the three rules. You're not trying to change them, but you're very clear about what your values are and what's Good for you. You didn't say, Don't do that. You said, Don't do it around me. Big difference. That makes somebody stop and think, doesn't it? It's going to make somebody question, Well, what am I doing? If this person I really care about doesn't want it done around me, maybe I should start thinking about what I want done around me. I like it because it's sneakier, and it's the truth, and it works with these three rules. Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins. I'm here with my friends and colleagues Lynn and Amy, and we are talking about just going through these seasons of change.

It's a huge drop off, back to school, new job season as we're recording this right now. But this is a topic that is pertinent any moment in your life. And I didn't realize how deep this was going to go, because I thought we were just going to talk about tips for college drop off. Or back to school anxiety. And now I'm like, I never went home after I went to college. Story of all this shit about not living close to my parents, and I mess up. And you just asked me, would I handle it differently? First, I have a confession. I secretly hope Kendall doesn't end up in LA. And I And I notice I'm a bit of an asshole. And anytime she does any griping about the LA scene, I'm like, Yeah, you really are just like an East Coast person. And I realized that I am doing this because I desperately want her to move back to the East Coast. You're allowed to do that, I think. Yes. And she was saying that when her friends said goodbye this weekend, they were here for her birthday, and a bunch of them were moving to New York, she got really sad and was like, I wish I was going to be in New York with all of them.

And I'm like, Eventually, you will. You could live in LA for a year, then you don't move back. So I'm being an asshole because I'm starting to plant that stuff, so I got to stop doing that. I could absolutely have a ball moving her in. I would get very teary when I said goodbye. And I think part of it is because instead of holding the confidence that this is going to be one of the best years of your life, and you're about to do the thing that you've been wanting to do forever. And I can't wait to see of what you produce this year in terms of your music career, I think about all the shit that impacts me. God, I'm getting older. Wow, these kids are sprouting their wings. Yeah. Wow. Like, time's flying. Holy cow. How did this... I start going there and get very self-reflective, and I'm going to use what we've talked about today to stay in the space because I have a choice. I don't have to torture myself. I don't have to make everything so deep. That's what Kendall always says to me. Not everything's that deep, mom. Just because you're moving me into an apartment doesn't mean you need to get that deep.

You could just stand in confidence and go, Go get them. Good luck paying your bills, because this is it. This is the moment We've been waiting for. I think what you both have said about flip the switch, know your role in that moment. Don't let it get too deep. Be confident about what's about to happen for them and exude it so that they can borrow it from you. That fucking helps me. Thank you. Does anything else come up for you guys in terms of those moments? And then I'm going to share one story quickly that is super important that I think everyone will get a lot of value out of.

I had something come up, but I totally forgot what it was.

I just think that what you just said is great. And you might get emotional, but that's okay. You can get emotional with them and tell them you've got this. This is what you want, and really ask them questions because maybe she does want to go to New York, but maybe she doesn't, right? Or she does. She talks about. She does want to go.

Come on, come on, come on.

But I think it's like that would be music to your ears if she wanted to change her mind. But you don't want her to give up on her dream either. So it's like really being the one, the voice to ask those probing questions, even when we might want something. And it's really up to us to say, well, what would your path look like? And just make sure that they are making the decision not to please us because I could get really comfortable with that. I could totally lead that. You're okay with causing that much guilt trip for people, right? I could. But would I be serving my kids and their futures? No, I wouldn't. You know what else this makes me think of? Is those phone calls I got from our daughters when they were first at school sitting alone, crying. And I'll I'll tell you what really helped is this idea of narrowing their focus. Acknowledge that it's hard. Say you're not the only one, but you got to narrow their focus. Let me tell you what I mean by that. My friend, Kari Lorenz, who's the first female F-14 fighter pilot, wrote a book called Span of Control.

In an emergency situation, there are only three dials that matter in a fighter jet. That's it. And you got to narrow your focus so that you can gain control. And so if you are going to get that teary phone call. I don't think I can do this. Somebody's crying from the bathroom stall at a new job, or after a big sports practice at a new team that one of your kids has made, they're really upset. I don't think I can... Narrow their focus. What can you What can you do in the next hour? What can you do in the next hour? What could you focus on? Because part of what happens, I think, in these moments of change, whether you're at a new job or you're sitting in your dorm room alone, is you're like, I don't know what to do. I'm in a new neighborhood. What do I do? I feel like a dork. I feel like the I'm the only one. I don't know anybody at work. I don't know what people are talking about. You have to get out of your office. You have to get out of your cubicle. You have to get out of your room, and you have to force yourself to start walking around and talking to people.

That'll make you feel better. It's the same thing when we moved here. I wasn't going to meet anybody if I sat in my house and cried. I had to get to the coffee shop. I had to push myself out of that freeze mode and through my discomfort and keep reminding myself, Mel, this feeling is normal. You're going through a big change. It's going to pass, but, bitch, you got to do something about it. You want friends? You get your butt out there. The same is true with you, and the same is true with the people you love. Another thing that's really helpful is that if somebody is overwhelmed by going through change, a lot of times the response to it is to freeze. As you've been learning in a lot of episodes, freezing and procrastinating is a anxiety or even a trauma response to something very overwhelming, and change is always overwhelming. It's just part of the duality of it. We were learning this today, is coach the people in your life to put some things in their calendar. Take a look at what's going on this week. What could you plan to do? Who could you reach out to that you've met in the DMs and set up a lunch?

Who could you ask to go to the cafeteria with you? Those breadcrumbling of dates with people or things to do or sign up for this event so that when you look at your calendar, you see forward motion. I got a call from a gal that I consider to be like one of my daughters. You know who you are. And she had pulled over on the side of a road and was calling me because she was having a panic attack. And I asked her, okay, well, first of all, tell me, what do you see around you? So I used that grounding technique where you go, Tell me one thing that you can see. Tell me something that you can hear right now. And then we started breathing together, and I told her to put her hand on her heart. And so we helped her drop into the moment and really ground into her body. And the dogs are barking right now. It's okay. We're going to just keep on rolling because this is one of those hot on the mic episodes. We started talking, and she was explaining all the stuff that was going on. She had just graduated.

The job that she was starting had been delayed. The family has just moved. Mom has a big job. Her grandfather's sick. And what I said to her was this. I said, The fact that you're upset and panicking right now tells me that you're mentally healthy. Because anybody going through this level of change and that much transition, you should feel completely turned around. And so the fact that this is bothering you tells me you're well. Yeah. And I also want to remind I'm going to remind you that it's temporary. And the most important thing that you could do is to remind yourself this is temporary. The fact that I'm bothered by all of this change, and I'm upset about it, and I feel out of sorts is a sign that I'm doing well because I should feel out of sorts. I'm in a new environment. There's a lot of change going on. And the same is true when you move back to school or you start a new grade or you start that new job. It's a sign that you're mentally well if you're turned upside down because everything is new. And your body needs time to process the new environment and the new rhythm and the new people around you and the new space that you're living or working in and the new commute and the new everything.

And it's really a good sign that even though you're excited, you're nervous and you feel activated, that's because there's so much new stuff for you to learn and absorb right now. And so if you can remind yourself that it's temporary, and if you can Take a deep breath and tell yourself that the fact that I'm upset about this change doesn't mean it's going to be bad. It just means I'm going through change. This is my process. And I want to personally say to you two, thank you, because when I am not dropping off Kendall, but metaphorically, I'm going to think when I say goodbye to her on Sunday night and she and Chris drive down, I'm going to put my hands on her beautiful cheeks, and I'm going to look her straight in the eye, and I'm going to say, I know that this is going to be hard, but it's only going to be hard for a little bit. And I believe in you. And remember, this is how you do change. It sucks for two weeks. Just get into a good rhythm. And before you know it, you're going to be better than you ever imagined.

I love you. Go get them. And then I'm going to turn around, I'm going to pull my shoulders back, and I'm going to stomp away from her like I meant it, because I do. And as soon as I turn the corner, I will collapse and have one of the dogs start crying because she's leaving.

Sounds right.

That sounds right.

And that's how we do change here on the Mel Robbins podcast.

That's right. I love it. Some fucking powerful bitches. That's how we do it. Fantastic. My biggest takeaway today is just this idea of being a surrogate of confidence for somebody else. Just because somebody that you love is upset, you don't have to cry with them. In fact, it's better if you just acknowledge that this is hard and then say, Now, pull up your big girl panties and get your ass out there and go make some friends. I really want to talk to you about transitions. And we are in a moment of time when this episode is going to come out where there's tons of people graduating, and that's a major transition. And I am personally bracing Dr. Marquez. I'm embracing. Our daughter is graduating from college. Oh, my God. I can feel the panic attack happening. Graduation is in 10 days.

Wow.

She is then going to leave California and come home for the summer.

Wow.

And she is an artist, a singer-songwriter, so there's no defined career path. And I know that the bottom is going to drop out. Why are transitions so damn hard?

Well, I can feel the pain already for you, Mel. I can just feel your whole voice change, and there's so many people in this symbol. In fact, the world is in transition since COVID. It's a major transition. This is how I think of a transition before we even talk about why it happens, or why it's so hard. Because the way I see transition is somebody wants to go on a journey. And there's this idea of this dream life, this thing that you want to do. And some are voluntary, some are not. Like your daughter is finishing its voluntary transition after college, and she has this whole life ahead of her. And so that's exciting. But then there is the old, right? And the old I see as the shore. And so in transitions, we're holding on to the shore of what we know, the certainty of the things that we know worked. It's no longer working, by the way, because you want this dream alive. And then the boat starts to leave, and you're holding on to shore, and you're holding on to the boat, and you start to get stretched thin. And that's what we start to feel.

It's that panic that you're talking about. It's that anxiety. It's that uncertainty that happens. But we are so afraid of discomfort. We avoid discomfort so much that we just continue to hold on. And this is the first thing I want to say to everybody, let go and start swimming. Let go and start swimming Because there is no ticket to a perfect life. That holding on is avoidance. And how many people have we heard that stay in a job they dislike? It's like holding on to certainty. I mean, I'm in the major of a transition in my life, in a career, and I'm as scared as you are, but if I just hold on to Harvard because that's what makes me good enough, then I'm never going to get to explore the world.

Wait a minute. What's the transition here in the middle?

Well, so for the past year and a half, I really hit a wall at Harvard and Mass General, and I love what I did in terms of research, but I felt like there's so much more that I could do to help so many more people. I wanted to have an impact in the global world in terms of mental health. I wanted to bring that down. And let's be honest, an academic paper is not going to do it. It's just not. But I've been terrified to let go of this position, this academic self, to jump into this public speaking, writing books. I don't have a path for that. And so when people ask me what I do now, it's like, well, hi, do you buy a bunch of things? And eventually, I'll talk about the integration of it. But it is scary in transition. It really is. The first thing we all have to talk about is there's fear there.

For sure, there's fear there. Well, I'm, of course, on the other side of the table from you, and I'm really excited because I see a huge opportunity for you to make a massive impact by spending more of your time in the public realm, sharing your work and helping and impacting millions of people's lives by writing books and doing whatever else you may do. But I want to go and talk about the fact that when you write about transitions, especially here in your new book, you talk about values. What is the intersection of the transitions that we all have to go through in life? Whether you're going to move, or you're breaking up, or you're changing jobs, or you're thinking about your dreams, or college is ending. What is the intersection of values and transitions?

So values are so important. And yeah, most of the time, when we talk about them, I feel like values are like a painting in somebody's house. You know they are there, but you don't pay attention to them. So let's define values first. Values are intrinsic motivators. They are the things that matter the most to us, the things that should be our compass in family, religion, wealth, integrity. What is the intersection between values and transitions? Well, in transitions, our values are questioned. What matters the most to us? Let me give you a personal example to make this come to life for everybody. Early on in my career, ambition was the value that mattered the most to me. Once you have a value, then we set goals with those values. For me, it was getting to graduate Then I had a goal of getting to Harvard. Then I was an instructor, so I wanted to be an assistant professor. Ambition was the value, and then I set clear goals to those values. Eventually, I got to associate professor. The day I became associate professor, a colleague of mine said to me, So what are you What am I going to do next?

Should I become full professor. And that question bothered me. I was like, But do I want to be a full professor? I had driven ambition because the ambition got me out of poverty. Ambition got me out of Brazil. Ambition is how I define how I would never go to be poor again. But no longer ambition is working for me now. I'd lay in bed at night, and I had all the success in Harvard, and yet my brain was just not happy. I couldn't sleep. I put on 40 pounds, 40 pounds. I kept saying to myself, What if I just write another grant? What if I just write another paper? I don't have the right to feel the way I do with all the privilege I have. And so ambition no longer was serving me, but I kept going at it, kept I'm not going at it. And one day, I was sitting in my office writing a grant, and half of my face went numb, just numb. And the first thought I had is, Lana, this is in anxiety. You're unhappy at work. You're writing a grant. This is just anxiety. Next thing you know, half of my body starts to tingling.

And I'm terrified. And then the next thing I thought is, oh, my God, I'm having a stroke. I'm having a stroke. So I called the nurse. And meanwhile, I'm like, I'm an anxiety researcher. I treat anxiety. This is just in anxiety. I want to say myself. But half of my body is numb. And I I just end up by the doctor. My husband drives me. I'm crying. And at that point, I remember going to my primary care, my mom saying to myself, oh, my God, I hit rock bottom. This is no longer working. I know what I'm doing is no longer working, but now I'm about to lose everything. I have waited for so long, and now I'm having a stroke. And what if I can't speak again? What if I... Everything in my life that I had worked so hard was right in front of me. I just had this moment of like, holy shit. Like, holy shit. I've avoided for so long by following this value that no longer served me. And just to avoid my transition. That's all I was doing. I was avoiding this transition. And so it turned out that I wasn't having a stroke, thank God.

And they think it was a severe migraine. I've never had a migraine in my life. I don't know. The neurologist, it was 48 hours of hell of trying to just look. And that's when I faced reality. That moment was when I paused and was like, I cannot avoid this transition anymore. I'm no longer actually living a value-driven life. I'm living an emotion-driven life. I'm just trying to not feel uncomfortable, so I keep doing the things. And you asked me an important question in the beginning, why this transition is so hard? Why does it hurt so much? It's because it creates so much discomfort. And in that moment, I was just avoiding it. I was just avoiding it, and I couldn't avoid it anymore. I just I hope, and the reason I share this with people is I hope people wake up before they hit that wall because we hold on to the old so much to not go towards our dreams. And I nearly killed myself in the process. And look at this. And think about how much skills I have, and I still avoided it.

How do you figure out what your values are?

So one of the exercises I use with my patients that I use that day is to actually do the opposite of what anybody does, which is to lend towards the pain. The days after that nearly stroke, I sat with myself crying early in the morning for many mornings, thinking, Why does this hurt so much? What about this hurts so much? What is it that is missing? What is in my life missing? And what I realized is pain only exist because behind that pain, there is a value that's extremely important that's being violated. It's not that I didn't care ambition anymore, is that what I really cared about is I wanted to make a bigger impact on the world. I knew that the things I was doing were not aligned with impact. They may impact on the patients that I work, for sure. But I saw the world hurting. I saw the rise in anxiety from the CDC of 40% of Americans with clinical level of anxiety and depression. Here I was sitting in my little house with all the skills that my grandmother gave me, that science gave me, and I wasn't I'm not doing anything with it.

I wanted to create a podcast. I didn't have a podcast. I wanted to write a book. I hadn't written a book. I wanted to go out there and meet people like you, and I wasn't doing it. And when I leaned into that pain, I saw impact, and I was like, Wait a minute. I need to change my entire life. I need to change what I do. And so that's my recommendation. Lean towards the pain and ask yourself, Why does this hurt? Because somebody is an asshole to you. They say something mean to you. You just say they're an asshole. But if somebody that you love very much says something like, You hurt me tremendously. Now, it hurts you. It hurts you because you probably care about that person, because you probably love that person. It's not just that said something mean, it's that it violated a core value.

Wow. I'm trying to think about the example between the transition that you're describing, which is one that I recently went through, probably over the last two years, of, again, achieved incredible success, but at a cost. And I knew that there was something that I valued more than chasing more success. And it was about connection, and impact, and peace, and family, and simplicity, and artistry. It was about... And you can have more than one value, right?

A hundred %. You can have more than value. But slow down for us, Mel, if you don't mind. Because I just love what you're saying. But can you just tell me a little bit about the beginning of this transition, and chasing success, and no longer feeling like success did it?

Well, yeah. I think, like a lot of people Somewhere along the line, I got the subliminal or subconscious message that achievement equals love. That if you're performing, if you're busy, if you If you are making a lot of money, if you're winning awards, if you're doing things that people talk about, that that means you're worthy of somebody's love and attention. Yes. Having that be a really big motivator, you say ambition, I would say, if I went a level deeper, it would be love and self-worth. Yes. That was a value that I was trying to create in myself. Of course, I wanted to make an impact. Of course, I wanted to creatively express myself and connect with other people. But my work allowed me to do that. But there was still something that I was pushing up against, because what started to happen for me is that once I got to a level of success where I had paid off our debt, and I was actively saving money, and I could afford to do whatever I wanted to do. I'm not talking Lamborghini's and that crap, but just had a really great lifestyle and was proud of myself, I wasn't happy.

Yeah. And like you, I felt like an asshole. You didn't use that word, but I'll use that word with myself. I'm like, What an asshole are you? You're sitting Coming here, making an impact on millions of people's lives. You are able to stand on stages and share a message that changes people's lives. You are being flown first class all over the place. You can afford to eat anywhere you want. What the fuck is wrong with you? And what was wrong with me is one of my core values, if I put it into the language of your work, was severely violated. I was profoundly disconnected from my husband, profoundly disconnected from my kids, and even my more extended family, because I never saw anybody because I was working. I had exactly two friends that I saw, and so I was profoundly lonely. And I was never not working. And so I just was like, something's got to give. And what actually gave is March eighth of 2020, when my talk show got canceled, and all of a sudden, the world turned upside down, and I found myself like the entire planet found themselves, questioning absolutely everything.

And what the greatest gift of that massive global transition was for me is it made me really assess what my values truly were. And when my husband and our three kids were then under one roof together, it made me realize how much That's all I wanted to do, was be with them. And when I started to do my work not on stages, and not by getting on planes, I'm like, You know what? Mel, it's time to stop talking about and thinking about doing a podcast. It's time to get serious about it. Yes, you have integrity, so you got to wrap up a lot of obligations to be able to do this the right way. And yes, operating with excellence is part of your value. So it's going to take some time to launch the way that you're going to want to launch. But that was the moment for me. It was values-driven. And I asked you the question about how you figure out your values, because it's a surprisingly hard thing to do.

It is so hard. It is so hard. And you actually unpacked so much because I think the world has gone through a value shift in this pandemic.

How so?

Because the values that worked before the pandemic, no longer fit for most people. We hear people talking about they want more flexibility in their job. They want to work from home. Why? Because they realized the family mattered, and it was being compromised by the way they worked and did their family time. But most people haven't had the privilege of what you have of being able to pause and reflect. A lot of people are still in the treadmill of life. That's what I see in my office. People call me, and they're still trying to fit their old values to this post-pandemic life. It needs a realignment. How do you find your values is your question. I talked about pain. The other way to find values, which I think is what happened to you, is this. Lean into the moments that you feel your best. What about the moments? What's so important? You talked about being with your family. The way you said, My three kids and my husband, you lighten up. I could just see you in your living room with them during the pandemic. If I went behind your brain, I could see just Mel being content, connected, and present.

Versus Mel on the stage who's impacting a bunch of people, but then you're in that plane, and you're craving that connection, that real connection with family. And so in those moments of flow, in those moments of quietness, Ask yourself, What matters in this moment? Why is this moment important to me? Why do I feel good? Our values are right there. I know this. I do dinner with my family every day. And connection and family are two of the values for me are super important. So much so that I came to see you, and I'm flying to Miami this week, and I'll be gone for my son for five days. My husband looked at me and said, You know what? I think we should come with you because you need that connection before you're away from him. It's not going to feel good to be away from him Sunday and Monday, and then the rest of the week. And so pulled him out of school. They came with me. And this morning, he said to me, Can we stay an extra day? I really like it here. And just that made me feel so connected with him.

And so those moments allow us to be connected.

Change isn't easy. I wish it were. I wish it were easy. It is easy to identify friction. It is easy to identify your excuses. It is easy to identify the actions that you need to take. But taking those actions and feeling the emotions that come up And dealing with people's reactions, that's not easy. And it's really important for you to accept that, and for me to accept that. Because when you accept the fact that change isn't easy, but it's possible, and it's worth it, and you're capable of it, that's the truth. And when you go into addressing all the areas of your life that aren't working, whatever that may be for this moment in your life right now, when you start this process and you remember these These three things that your life is always trying to teach you something, and the biggest teacher is areas of your life that create friction. Full stop, period. The second lesson, that your excuses are bullshit. Every single excuse you have is tied to some fear that you have. That's it. And that every single excuse can be faced and addressed with a small action. Again, and again, and again.

And now, the third lesson is really important because it's the truth. Change isn't easy. I mean, this year, I reorganized the team. I addressed the betrayal. I got seriously into therapy to improve a lot of friction in my marriage, both on my side and Chris's side, not easy. It's not easy to sit in a therapy session and You can have to listen and hear stuff you don't want to hear. It's not easy to change your own behavior when you've been doing things for a long time. It's not easy to go to the gym for the first time. Heck, I went to a hot yoga class when I was visiting my daughter in Los Angeles last week. I realized it's the first time I have been in an exercise studio for three years. It wasn't It's easy to get there. Now, I was happy I went when it was over. But I'm not going to sit here and lie to you and say that this is easy. When you know going into it, that it's not going to be easy, but it is going to be worth it, damn it. And that I am capable. I am capable of showing up for myself.

I am capable of doing this. I am capable of inching along. I am capable of pushing through the fear. I am capable of identifying friction. I am capable of slowly moving my life from the shitty side to the awesome side. When you go into it knowing that, that's what I did with this house. When we sold our house in Boston, that was not That was not easy. I knew I needed to do it. I knew I needed to remove that variable from my life. That was not easy. And not only was it not easy, but I had a pretty big mental breakdown over it. I did not expect the wave of grief that was going to hit me selling the home that we raised our kids in for 26 years. I did not expect how discombobulated I would feel moving from a place that I had lived for 26 years and the container that held all those memories in that much time. It knocked me on my rear end. It was not easy at all. But now You know that I am on the other side of it, thanks to therapy and going back on an antidepressant for the first time in 20 years, I'll tell you, it was worth it.

And I was capable of putting my life into the column of being in alignment. I am proud of myself. I am proud of myself for doing the work to finally launch this podcast. I am proud of myself, not because it's doing so well. I mean, of course, that's freaking amazing because your support makes me feel good, and I just can't believe what a force for good you and I are, that these episodes are truly changing and even saving people's lives. I mean, that's just extraordinary. But I'm proud of myself because I got over my own bullshit to do this. Do you know how liberating that is? When you push through your own stuff, when you commit to your happiness and to your goals, knowing this is not going to be easy, but it's going to be worth it. Knowing that I got what it takes within me to remove friction, to go toward the things that I want. It is like one of the most amazing things in the world. And yeah, you may be like my son, Oakley, sitting You're not sitting upstairs alone in a closet with nobody watching as you put your first video out there.

Who cares? You're not doing it for them. You're doing it for you and the potential of your life and the dreams that you have inside of you and the happiness that you deserve. I really feel like there's two states in life because it's about energy. You're either feeling friction, and that means something's off, and there's just something to address. Don't beat yourself up. Big lesson for me. Just learn the lesson, everybody, because your life is trying to teach you something with that friction. Make your list. Any area where there's life, where there's friction, there's a pattern to address, there's a place that's making you miserable, there's somebody, a person. That's it. That's it. That's all that there is. There's a process. There is a process. Every breakdown that Chris and I have basically has to do with the fact that we have a broken process. When we are not in communication, Chris retreats, and I keep going. And then Chris feels rejected, he feels taken advantage of, I have no idea because I'm blazing ahead 55 miles an hour. And what is broken is the communication process. It doesn't mean we're bad people. It doesn't mean the marriage sucks.

It means there's friction between us because there's a broken process. And so, again, this is such a huge I'm going to get an invitation. Please, please do not run yourself into a wall the way I did. Do not ignore the lessons in your life that your life is trying to teach you via friction, because they are going to get louder. That sledgehammer is a coming. And do not be a stubborn student like Mel Robbins. Do not wait for life to punch you in the face or knock you on your Fanny or cause you to have a mental health breakdown requiring prescription medication, which, by the way, there's nothing wrong with. Sometimes we need those ladders. Sometimes we need it every day, people. I freaking love, love my Selexa right now. Thank you, Selexa. You have helped me through this shitty year. I am proud, proud to ask for help, whether it's for people, or it's medication, or it's new habits, or it's from you. Because sometimes it's not easy. But it's worth it. And you're capable of doing whatever it takes, and it might take you years. It took me decades to finally learn the lesson about People that have toxic patterns and betrayal, and my role in it, too.

Decades. It took me 10 years to realize That all of my success was born in a moment of crisis. I didn't go, I think I'll write a book today. I'm like, I got bills to pay in a lien on my house, and my husband basically has just left his business, and he's sobering up, and he's depressed, and if we're going to pay bills, I got to figure this shit out. And I have never gotten out of that mode. When you can't pay for groceries, when you got liens on your house, you will say yes to anything that you need to say yes to to stay afloat. I don't think I ever got out of the mode of relating to work as though I was in an emergency. I always assumed my luck would run out, which is why I've been running like my life depends upon it. And that's why I ultimately hit a brick wall. It wasn't working anymore. It was making me miserable. And so when you stop and you write out the friction and you look at the lessons, please, do it now. Do not do the same stuff over and over and over for decades like I have.

You do not need to wait for a sledgehammer. You can wake yourself up with a blank sheet of paper and two columns and a pen, and you will wake yourself up faster if you have a friend with you who will be a truth teller. And you also need to honor the things that are working about your life, because guess what? There are a lot of things that are working, and we need to do more of that. And when you are willing to learn the lessons that your life is teaching you at this moment, there's always lessons. I'm sorry, it's Whac-a-mole, people. That's what life is. Here's the bad news. I got a lot of shit on the left-hand column now, too. It just is different stuff from last year. Because life is Whac-a-mole. Life is school, people. You can enjoy it, you can hate it, but you got to attend it. That's the deal. And there's a lesson every day. And the biggest lessons are in the biggest moments of friction and the highest moments of joy. And if you get serious about paying attention to the lessons, and you get serious about your own baloney excuses, and you get serious about just taking actions an inch and forward every day, and you embrace this notion, change isn't easy, but it's worth it, and I'm capable of it.

You, my friend, will feel the happiness you deserve. You will remove the just stupid crap that you're tolerating. You will level up. You will make more money. You will enjoy it. Imagine that. Imagine enjoying it. I realize you may be taking care of aging parents, or you've got super little kids, or you just went through a divorce, or you got a big health crisis, or you're in the middle of pitching a venture capital firm for the biggest deal of your life. The stakes are high. I get that stuff's going on, but I also know, because I have done this in my own life this year, That you can see what the lesson is. You can stop beating yourself up. You can fix the pattern. You can fix the personal dynamics. You can fix the places that you're showing up. You can fix the process. You do that, you get to work, and my God, you're going to be shocked. Shoxed at how proud you're going to be of yourself. And I want you to know that I'm here every single day because I know you can do it. If you don't believe it, let me be the person holding up the light over here going, Hey, come on, walk towards me.

I'll hold this light high till you catch up with me. And then guess what? I'm going to get hit with a sledgehammer, and I'm going to expect you to go forward and hold that damn light high and remind me that I'm going to be okay. Because the second that you start to move things of friction from one column to the other, other friction will show up. One of your kids will have a breakdown. It's just always like a charm. People always say, How are your kids doing? I'm like, Well, today? Today, everybody's okay. Because God knows tomorrow somebody could have a mental breakdown. It's whack-a-mole. But we're playing it together, right? We're going to ride the waves together, everybody. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for checking this video out. And if you like this one, I have a feeling you're going to like this one, too. I'll see you there.