A couple of days ago, we flew from Nashville to Chicago. And when we got to the airport, the gentleman who was picking us up at the airport and driving us to the hotel was named Ernest. And when we got off the plane and found his car, he had the biggest smile and just radiated positive energy. You know people like this? That it's just hard to be in a bad mood around someone like that. They fight you on it with their energy. It's almost like they're a Jedi knight with their positive, just life force energy is what I call it. And so he's standing there with a big old smile. And even though this has been a really long stretch of work travel, and even though I have been, like you, so overwhelmed and sad and horrified by the news that is dominating the headlines right now, there is something about his spirit that just lifted us all up. And so we're driving into Chicago, and he's at the wheel, and I'm in the back of the car, and we're just chatting up a storm. And in addition to his positive energy, Ernest has one of those voices, these like, deep, soulful, smooth voices.

So smooth it was as if it was a liquid butterscotch, and I'm just soaking up every word. And if that's not enough, he also spoke in poetry, the person that can just string together a sentence, and you find yourself closing your eyes and just nodding along as he is dropping just one beautiful truth bomb after another. And all of a sudden, I got this feeling inside me, and I thought, I wonder if Ernest is a minister. And so I said, Ernest, any chance you're a minister? And he just just started laughing like, You got me, Mel. You got me. Yes, I'm a minister. Yes, I'm a minister. And then he went on to explain that, in his opinion, the difference between a pastor and a minister is that a pastor is somebody who is responsible for a church and for the congregation of the church. But a minister is a person who spreads light and spreads positive energy, who ministers by lifting people up. Now, we were not talking about any particular religion. We were just talking about spreading light, positive energy, lifting people up. And so I said to Ernest, you know, Ernest, I am here in town because I have to give a speech tomorrow morning.

And I believe that when I am standing on that stage and I'm looking out into that audience, I am spreading light. I am showing people a different way to look at the situation that they're in or the things that they want in life. That I, too, am in the business of positive energy and lifting people up. And it would be an honor to have you come and to have you experience me doing what I do because I've been experiencing what you do. And he said, Yes. He said, Yes. And it was one of those moments where I just love when you say to yourself, I am sitting right here with this person for a reason. And as we got closer and closer to downtown Chicago and as Ernest kept on ministering to the three of us in his car as he was spreading his light and talking all kinds of positivity, I sat there and thought to myself, I am supposed to be sitting here, and he is supposed to be in the driver's seat, and we are supposed to meet. It is just one of those moments. And I want to open you up to a really important idea that sometimes the light or the connection or the support or the love that you need, it's not going to come from the people you know.

Rather, the universe will put a stranger in your path to give you exactly what you need in that moment, even though you didn't know you needed it. And what I didn't know is I had gotten off that plane in Chicago feeling exhausted by my work schedule and feeling so heartbroken over the news right now. I didn't realize how much I needed a little light. And I want you to remain open to the fact that there are going to be strangers that cross your path today, this week, this month, this year, that can give you the connection, the love, the light, the support, the help, whatever it is that you need without you even realizing it. And you are also that stranger for somebody else. That you can, without even realizing that you're doing it, because Ernest did not step in that driver's seat and go, I'm just going to lift these women up. He was just being earnest. He was just shining his light. And the interesting thing about strangers is think about this. Absolutely everybody that you love was once a stranger to you. And all it takes to turn a stranger into a friend or to somebody who supports you or to the love of your life is taking a moment to connect with the light in one another.

And so Ernest did come, and he was so cute. He arrived bright and early, and I was so proud to have him there. And we sat him right upfront in the audience of thousands of people next to our corporate client. And he just soaked it in. And then when it was over, we had some time in what they call the back of the house, behind the front of the house at a hotel. We were standing back there, and I said, Ernest, what did you think? What did you think? And he said some of the most beautiful things to me. He said, Mel, it was so amazing to sit there and watch you do what you do. And there is no doubt that you are a minister. In fact, everybody, Mel, is a minister because everybody has the power to spread light and positive energy. Everybody has the power to lift people up. But as you were standing on that stage and you were pouring your heart into every single person there, did you notice? Thousands of people, and every single person was quiet as a church mouse. They were reflecting. They were considering what you were saying.

And I want you to know, Mel, it was so much more than positive energy, because what you do is you make a way out of no way. You are reminding people of their power. You're reminding them of what they really want out of life, that they don't want to be stuck, that they want to feel more. And then he said this. He said, Mel, do you know what you are? And I said, No. He said, You're a Lighthouse. And when he said that word, Lighthouse, it immediately brought me back to a really incredible childhood memory. I mean, Lighthouses hold a lot of importance for me. I grew up in Western Michigan in a tiny little town right on the shores of Lake Michigan. And if you don't know the Great Lakes, if you're listening in one of the 194 countries where this show is syndicated around the world and you've never seen the Great Lakes, they're just like an ocean. You cannot see across them. They are huge waves. They are enormous. And so I grew up in a tiny little town that was surrounded by lakes that all fed into the Great Lake called Lake Michigan.

And one of my dad's favorite things to do on the weekends, if he wasn't on call and he didn't have to work, was to get up really early and jump in the boat and drive out from the little lake we lived on through the channel into the bigger lake, Muskegan Lake, and then out the big channel, Muskegan Lake, and out into the wide, open, and vast Lake Michigan. And what he loved to do is he loved to fish for steelhead. And I would often go with him. Now here's the thing. Being a little bit of a worry ward as a kid, I was deathly afraid that we would get out there to the big, open, vast ocean like Lake Michigan, and we would be swept away. I had a really active imagination. So my dad would be having the time of his life with a cigar in his mouth, and he's got all kinds of lures in the water, and he's fishing the steelhead run. And my mind would be of spinning. What if the engine doesn't start? What if a storm rolls over? What if one of those big, dark thunderstorms comes in, and all of a sudden, the wind picks up and the waves start going, and the boat gets flipped over and dad and I find ourselves lost at sea.

And there would be times that my dad would try to start the engine up after we'd been out there for a while way offshore, and it would go... And then it wouldn't start. It wouldn't start. And then I'd start to panic. And my dad would be like, Would you calm down? Just calm down. And then he would say, Mel, we are not going to get lost. Just look. And he'd turn around a point at the shoreline, and there off in the distance was the Lighthouse. And the Lighthouse that was on Muskegan channel is a Lighthouse called Muskegan South, Purehead Lighthouse. And what my dad would say is he said, Mel, that Lighthouse is always there. And that Lighthouse is there so you don't get lost. See, it doesn't matter, Mel, how fogy it is or how dark it's going to get or if a storm blows in, we're going to be fine because the Lighthouse has one job. The Lighthouse is always shining its light so that it can bring you home. It lets you know that you're never alone and you're never lost. And when I would look at that Lighthouse, even though it was far away, I got to be honest with you, it made me feel a little safer.

And it made me feel like my dad and I were not alone out there in that big old Great Lake, Lake Michigan, but that we were connected to somebody who could and who would help. And if you've ever been lost, if you ever had that experience where you've been lost, whether you're driving around and all of a sudden you have to pull over because you don't know where you are, or maybe you're in a new city and you're walking around in circles and you can't find your way, or heck, I remember being a freshman in college and I was so lost at Dartmouth College. I didn't know where my classroom was. So when you're feeling lost, it's really scary. But then there is that moment when either somebody stops and says, Are you lost? Or you say to somebody else, Excuse me, I'm a little lost. And the person says to you, You're not lost. I know exactly where you are. And I also know how to get where you're going. And that right there is such an amazing feeling to have someone say to you, You're not lost. I know exactly where you are.

And I know how to get you where you want to go. And so today, that's exactly what I want to talk to you about. This feeling that I think is really universal right now of feeling lost, especially when the world feels like it's very dark. And when you're feeling lost, how can you navigate this? How can you move forward again? And I know that that's exactly how I felt this week. As I've been watching the news unfold, it feels like a huge dark storm has blown in, that the fog is here, that we're spinning around. It's scary. And I don't know about you, but whenever I feel like things are really dark or I feel very lost and I'm not sure what to do, I start to feel paralyzed. That's my initial reaction, that I get stuck, I get angry, I feel uncertain. My energy starts to drain from me. I feel so sad. And I'm sharing that with you because if that's how you felt recently, I want you to know you're not alone in feeling that way. And it might not even be that you feel lost, maybe right now because of what's happening in your personal life or because you live in a part of the world that is conflict and crisis, that you do feel like you're holding on for dear life, that you are trying not to drown.

And I also want you to know, if that's how you feel as you hear my voice or you're watching this video, that you're not alone. There are so many people, unfortunately, hundreds of thousands, if not millions of people that feel that way right now, too. And so today, I'm thinking about our conversation not like this is a podcast episode. I'm thinking about our conversation as me sharing with you how I'm feeling and what I really want to do, because I've been thinking a lot about this, especially since Ernest and this metaphor of a lighthouse. Us, is I want to speak to the situation that we're in right now. And in particular, I'm going to try to shine a light, a light so bright that I hope it reaches you.

Because we.

Can't allow ourselves to get so caught up in the darkness that is in the world around us that we forget to love one another. We cannot forget to appreciate the small things or the moments that we have, even when the world around us feels like it's spiraling in chaos. We can't forget to help someone in need. And we can't forget that we, even if we're just watching this all unfold in the news that we are just one step away from being the one who needs the help. And if you can hear my words right now or you can watch this on YouTube, I want you to consider something. Yes, you may feel deeply afraid and you may feel lost, but you're not lost. You have you. You're not alone. You're not by yourself. You're with yourself. And there are so many people around the globe who care about you. And you're also not paralyzed. That's our first response, right? When something scary happens that we disconnect from ourselves, we disconnect from everybody else, we start to hunker down, we feel stuck, we start to get paralyzed. I am here to shine a light on the fact that there are small things that you can do right now.

First, to weather the storm, and second, to start to see yourself and what you can do in a different light. My hope is that by the time you and I are done talking today, that you're not going to feel so stuck, that you're not going to feel so hopeless, but that you will feel reconnected to your strength, and you will feel empowered by some very simple things that you can do right now to help yourself and perhaps help somebody else who needs you. I am going to show up today and be a Lighthouse. And I'm going to shine a light so bright because I want to illuminate a path forward for you that will help you navigate this moment. A Lighthouse is not actually interested in who gets the light. A Lighthouse is blinking in a rotation so that the light is there for all to see. It doesn't select or discriminate which ships get to see it. It shows its light for anyone within its reach. I love that. I absolutely love that because that brings me back to you and to this moment and to the awesome, amazing power that you have. See, when I landed in Chicago, I saw the light inside of Ernest.

He was just standing there, beaming it for anybody who cared to be basking in it. And that light lifted me up. And then the next morning, Ernest saw the light in me as I was just beaming it out for anybody in that audience who cared to allow it to light in the way. And you, you have a light inside of you. What is the light? The light is your humanity. It's your compassion. It's your ability to laugh, to love, to hug somebody, to listen, to care. It's what you feel in your heart. And that's why your heart is breaking right now. Your heart is breaking because you're seeing innocent people that you see suffering due to war or natural disasters or senseless hatred and violence. And I don't know about you, but when I watch the news, I have to remind myself because it's easy to forget this fact that these innocent people are victims. They are not their governments. And that's why so many people around the world need your light right now. And I want to talk to you about how you can tap into that light. And I'm also going to share with you some of the things that I am doing that are making me stay connected to my light and keeping me grounded and keeping me in a place where I am not getting sucked into this darkness.

I am staying above it so that I can help and so that I can stay connected to my power. See, even when nothing seems to make sense, there's always something that you can do. And what you can do right now is to be a lighthouse for other people, to cast your light into this dark storm for anybody who needs it to see it. And what does that even mean, Mel? Well, let me talk about that for a minute. First of all, whenever I feel really low, I find that the fastest way for me to lift my own spirits is to help somebody else. So in whatever way that you can try to find ways to help other people, to connect, to volunteer, to serve others. However you can do that when you lift somebody else up, you are being a lighthouse, and it always does come back to you. Help somebody else out. Find ways to be part of the force for good. I know what you're already thinking. Mel, are you kidding me? I am sad and scared and horrified, and I can barely get out of bed, and I'm mainlining the news. You want me to help other people now?

I can barely function myself. Well, here's what I have to say. Well, then helping someone else is exactly what you should do. If you can't help yourself, research has found over and over again that helping somebody else not only feels good, but it does you good. And there are a number of reasons why. First of all, it distracts you from the sorrow, grief, fear, and worries that can become this echo chamber in your own brain that starts to make you feel isolated and paralyzed and stuck and full of despair. And by supporting somebody else in need, there are so many interesting things that happen with your perspective. When you're supporting somebody else, you realize you have more power than you think. I'm talking little stuff. You could run errands for somebody. You could work hotlines. You could check in on friends and family. By supporting somebody else in need, you gain a new perspective about your own situation. And there's something magical that happens when you start giving back because you realize that you do have more power than you think you do. When you sit alone and you tell yourself there's nothing that you can do, you will start to spiral.

You will feel more depressed. And I know you know this is true. I mean, just think about the times that somebody has done something nice for you. In those moments when somebody else helps you, you feel seen, you feel lifted up. And the second thing that I want you to do is to be soft with yourself right now. Because the world is suffering, it is impacting you, too. In fact, Dr. Tama Bryant, who's been featured on the last two episodes that we published, has this saying that whatever is happening out there is happening in here, too. And what she means by that is that you are absorbing the energy and the stress around you. Everybody on the planet right now is impacted by this. And even if you're not vibrating with a lot of stress, people around you are. They are worried. They are watching the news. They may not be able to turn it off. They are worried about loved ones. They're worried about what might happen. And this energy is impacting you. And if you are watching the news, yeah, you can turn that off, but you can't turn it off in your body.

And so if you are having a hard time concentrating or falling asleep or procrastination has ticked up, or you feel like you're on edge, or you're starting to slip into feeling like nothing matters and life is horrible, that is an example of how this is impacting you. And so it is critical that you take steps to take care of yourself right now because you deserve it. And in order to lift other people up, you got to make sure that you start by lifting yourself up first. And so I thought a lot about this. How am I doing that for myself? And I came up with five things that I'm doing right now that are helping me to stop the overwhelm and stop the despair and to stay connected to my light, to the power that I do have, and to a connection to something greater than this very scary moment. And so the first thing is spiritual practices. I am a very spiritual person. But since this news began a week ago, I have really become intentional about making sure it is part of my daily and sometimes several times a daily thing that I'm doing.

And you know that spiritual practices work. One of the things I'm doing right now is praying. I'm praying for each and every single human being who has lost their lives or their loved ones. I'm praying for people who are in harm's way, who are fearing for their lives. I'm praying for those of you that are struggling right now with anxiety and fear and grief. And I'm praying for compassion. I'm praying for healing. And I'm praying for peace. And you want to know what else I'm praying for? I am praying for our collective light to shine brighter than this terrifying darkness that is rolled into the world right now. Since the beginning of time, spiritual practices have helped people through some of the most tragic experiences. So whether for you that means prayer or meditation, or journaling, or gathering with other people of a similar faith, or even for me, just taking a walk outside, like getting outside, getting off my phone, taking a walk in the woods. Or here's what I did this morning. I was driving down the road, and I have a friend that I've talked about on this podcast that is a flower farmer.

She's the owner of Fleur Farm. And she has all these dalia fields. And I pulled over because I saw her working in one, and I left my car running, and I just silently walked through the rows in her flower field. And as I walked, I took in each individual flower. And I would stop and look at it. And I would look at the bumblebee that was laying there in the center, all drunk on pollen. And I got lost in the beauty of nature. And I'll tell you what, being able to connect to something greater than this scary moment that's going on in the world, it really helps me. It helps me to stay grounded. It helps me to be calm. And that helps me to show up in a very different way during this moment. And if you're listening to my voice or you're watching this video and you're in a part of the world where you can't get outside, just not an option for you, I want you to try visualizing yourself outside in your favorite place or visualize yourself with people that you love. If you close your eyes and allow your imagination to take you there, it might just really help.

The second thing that I'm doing is I am using the 10-5 rule. Now this is something I do in my day to day life, but I have 10text it at this moment. And here's what the 10-5 rule is. It's a simple way to connect with people that you know or that you don't know. And every time I share this, I always get people that write in and say, Well, this isn't safe for me to do where I live. If you're comfortable, try this. But it is really fantastic. You can use this in a grocery store. You can use this on a college campus. You can use this at work. You can use this on a sidewalk. You can use this at a stoplight. It's wonderful. And here's how it works. Whenever you're 10 feet away from another human being, just look him in the eyes and smile. That's it. Look him in the eyes and smile. And try to hold the smile and your eye contact for three seconds or more, because a funny thing happens when you do that. When you look at somebody else in the eyes and you smile, a big toothy smile, you are signaling to somebody else's mirror neurons in their brain that you are friendly, that you are a safe connection, and somebody else's mirror neurons can't help but then mirror your response.

And so if you look at somebody in the eyes and they look back and you smile, and you hold that smile for more than three seconds, you watch, they'll grit right back because they can't help it. We are wired for connection. Then when you get five feet away, smile again and say hello. And the reason why this 10-5 rule is so great is because it's a simple and instant way to connect with somebody. The fact is we are not strangers when we are all suffering around the globe. And we are all in this right now, even though we show it very differently from one another. I do not want us to turn away from one another, because when we do that, we buy into the darkness. I want us to turn toward one another. I want us to lead with our humanity. And I want us to let the light in from one another again. The third thing that I am doing that is helping a lot is advice that I got from Dr. Tama Bryant, where she says, There's a big difference between staying informed and not inundating yourself with the news. Because how much time you spend watching the news does not equal how much you care.

You can care deeply about what's happening with other people and not watch the news at all. I personally do not watch or listen to the news. I read the news. Why? Because I want to stay informed, but I want to protect my mental health. This is a way I can be soft with myself, remember? Because if I let my mental health tank and if I let my mood and my mindset and all of that go with it, I'm not going to be able to show up in this moment and navigate it in a different way. And so please try not to stress yourself out by staring at traumatic imagery to the extent that you can. In fact, my husband and I have also required that all three of our kids delete TikTok because the imagery on that platform right now is way too much for your nervous system and your heart to process. And so please do not look at it. Focus on showing how much you care by your actions rather than the content that you're consuming. It's going to be way better for you, okay? Next, this is the fourth thing that I'm doing that makes me feel a little bit better.

I'm reaching out to people. And in particular, I am checking in on my Jewish and my Muslim friends. See, these recent events, they have sent shockwaves through both global communities. Please let your friends know that you care about them, that you're thinking about them. Please let them know that they are not alone in this. And another thing that I love to do is that when I am reaching out to a friend of mine who is really going through something, whether it's this situation that we are witnessing right now or it's somebody that just lost a loved one or got a scary diagnosis, or is dealing with something very traumatic, I always reach out, and I check in and I tell them how much I love them, and then I end it with this, You do not need to respond. I just wanted you to know that I'm here and you're not going to go through this alone. And the reason why I love this is because when you reach out to somebody unexpectedly, it feels so good. I mean, think about the times when somebody texts to you unexpectedly, you're like, Oh, my God, that's so nice of them.

And when you send the text, you create that light inside somebody else. That's the first gift. The second gift is when you say you don't need to respond, because if somebody's going through something very traumatic, they do not have the energy to check in with you. And so you give them this beautiful gift when you relieve them of the burden and the guilt of having to and not being able to. And finally, I have been thinking about this metaphor of a Lighthouse over and over and over again. And I find it so empowering to think about the role that you can play as an individual in this dark storm that somehow thinking about shining that light inside of you in a 360 fashion for anyone around you to see or feel, what a gift that is to give other people. And by thinking about that metaphor, it allows me to rise out of the individual emotion or heaviness that I feel so that I can take action and feel like I'm doing something. And the ways that I do that is when I see despair, I respond with hope. When I see sorrow, I respond with love.

I'm meeting agitation with kindness, and I'm inviting you to do the same. Do not get pulled into the darkness. As I said earlier, the words that Ernest said to me, We cannot allow ourselves to get caught up in the darkness in the world and forget to love one another and to help one another in need. Do what you can to help yourself and to help somebody else see the good in you and in them. And if you really don't know what to do, just smile at people. Just say hello. Just reach out to your friends. A little bit of goodness goes a very long way right now. Let's talk about the transition that my daughter is going through. How can I help her cope with this massive life transition?

So I think there's two things that you can do, Mel. The first one is I think we need to help you cope with the transition.

I'm sorry to say, but it's a transition for you, too. It's a big transition for you. It's ending at times she's coming home. And I heard you say things like, What's next for her? We all have expectations of other people in transition, too. So I think first thing is just you pausing and asking yourself about your expectations of her transition.

You are so good. Wow. Here's how I feel about it. I am very triggered by her anxiety. And so knowing that one of my kids is really uncomfortable makes me want to run and savor from it.

What about her anxiety makes you feel uncomfortable? What are you saying to yourself that her anxiety makes you feel anxious?

That somebody that I love is in pain, and I want to make it go away.

Why?

I don't know. Because it hurts my heart to see her crying and sad.

Because you love her.

Yeah. And also, there'll probably be a level of moping and annoying behavior that gets aimed at my husband and I when she's home and she's not able to tolerate the feelings and the fact that it's over and that college went like that and her fear about what comes next. And so knowing that there will be a level of discomfort makes me uncomfortable.

Well, but for you now, what I hear is this, you love your daughter.

Yes.

And her being uncomfortable, it's being translated in your brain, something is bad.

True.

And let's be clear. There's no transition without discomfort for anybody. She's going to have some level of discomfort that she has to tolerate, and you have to tolerate. And do you have to tolerate? If she didn't mouth, something would be wrong.

It's true.

So the first thing is her being uncomfortable and her anxiety don't necessarily mean something bad. Now, it can lead to something bad. But at first, I want us to really think about this as an opportunity for a new beginning, right? She's closing an end, and there is a natural grief that happens for everybody or letting go of the old. And so she's going to come home with some level of discomfort. A lot of the kids coming home from college are going to have some level of discomfort. And I think the first thing the parents can do is allow discomfort to exist a little bit, maybe not going into fix right away, right? And if it gets thrown at you like the way you're talking about, just pausing and calling it out saying, Hey, listen, it looks like you're upset and you're throwing it at me, and this is not my transition.

Yeah.

Holding space from discomfort is the first thing a parent can do.

Well, I think this is even bigger, because if you think about it, like if you have a spouse or a partner that gets fired from a job, you're going to have somebody that you love go through discomfort. I have a friend who just lost their dad. And of course, they're going through a period of discomfort. And we just, or at least I just want to run towards it and try to fix it and make it go away. And I think you're right. It's that I, in my brain, associate these transitions in life and these moments of emotional processing and up people as bad. Yeah.

And so you are trying to fix it. I had a friend of mine just got fired from the job after 10 years, financial industry. She just woke up one day and got fired. So she texted me, I canceled everything. I said, Let's go for lunch. We're sitting at lunch. And the first thing she said to me is like, Luana, a week ago, I was walking into work, and I just wanted my ID to not go through. I wanted them to have fired me already. I was so miserable. But I just didn't want to quit. It pays the bills. And I looked at her and I said, We're best friends, and you never told me that level of discomfort. People are so ashamed of how they interpret discomfort they don't even share. Then I looked at her and I said, How are you feeling? She's like, I'm okay. I'm okay. I pause and I looked at her. Let me call her Mary, and I said, Mary, it's okay not to be okay. For a week, Mel, when I called her, she's like, It's okay. I said, It is not okay. You just got fired and you were the one that pays most of the bills in your house.

If you're not feeling uncomfortable right now, something is wrong, and I want you to know it's okay not to be okay. It's okay to have this comfort night now. If you run from it, you're just going to avoid the rest of your life. The first step here in transition is to feel our feelings.

I don't want to feel my feelings. I know. I wanted to not feel.

That way. But see, that's the only way to feel more uncomfortable is not feeling our feelings. Feelings are normal, biologically wired, and we have them. Our brain tells us when we're feeling uncomfortable. And then what we do, we run, we avoid, and then we feel more uncomfortable. And the only way of actually getting through your emotions is by feeling feelings. We've seen this on kids. Look at a five-year-old in a temper tantrum. If you tell them, Stop feeling this way. Stop feeling this way, they escalate. They get so loud and obnoxious. It's true. If you sit next to a five-year-old and say, Okay, so you're feeling frustrated. What else are you feeling? And my son will be like, I don't want to tell my emotions right now. I said, Okay, so you're feeling like you don't want to feel. And I just sit there and I wait. And guess what? His emotional brain pulls it off. His thinking brain comes back online, and it lasts three minutes instead of 20 minutes of a fight.

So what do I do? She gets old.

Yeah. I think two things we're going.

To do. Oh, that's right. We were talking about me, not her. You see how I wanted to shift this?

Do you.

Know why? I'm avoiding you, making me talk about something that makes me uncomfortable.

You are absolutely. You just wanted to run away from your emotions right now. Yes. Do you see how fast it happens now?

Yes.

And we do this. That's one of the tactics of avoidance. We just shift the conversation. It's much safer in your podcast to talk about your daughter and her transition, her anxiety, than to sit here with, I'm having trouble feeling my feelings right now.

Yeah. I'm absorbing her transition as my own. Yeah. Wow. So I just need to feel my feelings. Yeah. And I need to avoid the urge to rush in and fix it. And I need to just hold space and let her and myself feel whatever we're going to feel.

And what do you feel right now? Can we just stay with that? What does it feel like right now?

I feel really sad for her.

Tell me more.

Oh, my God. Really? Okay. Yes. I feel like the tractor beam lock on. I feel really sad for her. I had a really crappy end to my college experience, where I got extremely sick and they thought I had meningitis. And I experienced graduation by laying underneath a tree on the side. And I didn't get, I don't even remember walking across that stage. I'm not sure I was well enough.

So you're really upset about yourself, Mel. That's what you're really upset about. You didn't have a graduation. What makes us say that your daughter's graduation is going to be under a tree?

Oh, it's not. She's singing the national anthem in front of 18,000 people. That bitch is going to be on stage. She's not going to be under some tree.

She's going to be on stage. But see, your brain is back at your graduation. That's why I feel sad.

Oh, wow.

She's going to be on stage, Mel, singing. She's not under a tree. You're not feeling sad for your daughter, you're feeling sad that you got robbed your own graduation. That would make me sad, too. I mean, seeing you under that tree right now just made my heart crunch. I had a little heart moment.

Yeah, it's true. It's true. And I think I'm also just... So much of your work also focuses on avoidance. And I'm very present to the fear that she feels now that school is over, and it's time to do the work. You want to be a singer-songwriter? Prove it. And I just feel worried for her.

Of course, you do. Your mother, you love her. We established a love matter. So worried for her makes a lot of sense. Concerned that this transition is going to be hard for a lot of kids is the first time they have to really prove themselves, the first time that they have to really show up. Because college has a map. You do this, and you do this, and you do this. The real-life transitions don't have a map. They come with uncertainty. Uncertainty activates our brain and makes us go on fight, flight, or freeze. And that's why we want to avoid transitions because the fear is overriding it. But you have the techniques to help her. It's going to be her choosing to approach every day. And it sounds like she has a clear value. She cares, and I'm going to put the words in her mouth, but she cares about creativity. She cares- Oh, yeah. Right? And so now, she needs to create clear goals. And we're here in the studio. You have amazing systems already that you developed for yourself. You help her develop her own systems around what are the actions she's going to take every day towards that value.

And life happens one little day at a time. You don't become on stage and become the best singer overnight, right? So she's going to have to lean towards that value every day. And what I'd say to her is this, every week on Sunday, look at your calendar for the next week.

Make sure that your actions are aligned with your values. Every day, I do this every Sunday. I look then for a day, I'm not acting towards impact or family or health, which is another one for me. I'm not putting 40 pounds back on, so I need to get to the gym. And if it's not there, I rearrange my day. Because what science teaches us is that a value-driven life decreases stress, decreases depression, decreasing anxiety, increases wellbeing. And so I bet your daughter, who is now singing the national anthem, kicking ass, can create this beautiful life one little action at a time.

Well, here's the irony. The lack of structure is probably exactly what she needs. Correct. There's probably the container has been amazing for the stage that she's in. And now it's time for her to go and create what she needs to create.

That's it. That's it.

I just got so much out of that conversation. And I love the values as a way to anchor yourself through a transition.

That's it.

Wow.

Because see, if you go to transitions and you don't have an anchor, I love the word you use, that is the way I think about it. The visual I share with patients is you're in a boat. It's choppy waters, okay? And you're just going whatever the wind is blowing. In choppy waters, you got to drop an anchor. And that anchor is your values. And now you decide, Okay, now that I'm anchored, I know the values, then you decide which way you're going to in your life. But you have to have an anchor first so that you're not just blown everywhere. And your daughter is in an awesome position because it's clear to me she has the anchor. Now it's a matter of action. But values are the real anchors in life. So how do you get people to go to therapy when you know they need it and they refuse?

Well, you can't make anybody do anything, but you can make it clear what your boundaries are. If somebody doesn't think they, quote, need therapy, then the first issue is that they don't understand what therapy is for, because everybody needs therapy in their life. Now, let me unpack that sentence. You don't need therapy. You need therapy in your life. What does that mean? Therapy is when you are engaged in a conversation about your life, about your thoughts, about your habits, about your hopes and dreams and your relationships and the obstacles and challenges that you're facing, that you're in a conversation about those things intentionally, and you're doing it ideally with a person that is objective, meaning they're not a friend and they're family member. And the most powerful thing about the relationship is that because they're objective and because they have some level of training, you're not responsible for their feelings. So this is the one person in your life. You don't have to worry about what they think or about what their feelings are about what you're discussing. You have another human being that is trained to listen to and help you untangle the thoughts and the behaviors and the patterns and the things in your life that you want less of or that are making you unhappy and to amplify the things that are going well.

And so I look at therapy as a luxury. I think it's a privilege. And I believe it is something that every human being on the planet deserves. Just like when you go to an elementary school or middle school or high school and there's a school counselor, that is a resource that is there in order to help you be successful. And that's what I see about therapy. And so I would start to talk about therapy very differently, because when you tell somebody they need to go to therapy, you're basically saying, you're fucked up and you need to do something about it. And so that's confronting. No wonder who wants to go to therapy when you feel like it must mean something's wrong with you. So to me, therapy is an incredible gift you give to yourself if you can afford it, if you have access to it. That's one thing. Second thing is that if somebody understood that a therapist or the right therapist could help them achieve goals and be more successful and happy in life, and you frame it around the change and the opportunity, that's more enticing, isn't it? Wouldn't you love to go to talk to somebody if you knew that it would make you feel better, if you knew it would make you feel more motivated and capable and courageous and confident?

Wouldn't you love to talk to somebody who could help you strategize about how to deal with things at work, how to diffuse situations with your family? That's what you're doing there. It's not that caricature that we all have in our minds where you're laying on a couch staring at a ceiling and somebody is taking notes and looking in a different direction as you blob on and on and on about the sob story that's your life. That is not what my therapy sessions are like, and that's not what therapy has to be. And so I think you could frame it differently. Now, one other thing, you tee it up like that. And then you got to use the let them theory again. Let them decide whether you're going or not. Because, again, you can't force somebody. You can't shame somebody. You can't drag them. If you're a parent, of course, you have agency over your kids, and you should empower your kids to talk to a therapist if you think it would help. But I'm talking adult to adult. That said, you got to let them make a decision. But then you've got to let yourself express what you need.

It is 1,000 % your responsibility to say to somebody, I'm worried about you. I'm worried that you have depression. I can't handle this on my own. It is killing me to watch you struggle. And I need you to see a therapist. And I've found one, and I have made an appointment for you. It is your call if you're going to go or not. I've done the work. But I'm asking you because I am so worried about you to go see this person and talk to them and get some support. If they say no, now you can express a boundary. I can't be in this relationship if you're not going to get help for your depression. I will not stay married to you if you do not get help for your addiction. I will have to end this if you cannot be sober. And if you refuse to get help, I am very scared that you're not going to be successful. And I would love for you to be successful. And so how you go about it is yours. But if you're not going to address this, then I'm not going to stay. And that's on you.

That's not manipulation. That's clear communication. See, what most of us do is we badger somebody to go to therapy, right? And then we get pissed off when they don't go or they go once and then they bark about the therapist. And then you know what we do? We never express a boundary. We just build up resentment. And then that resentment builds within us, and we don't express it. It comes out in like, barking, and this, and that, and fighting, and no longer having sex with the person, and just being angry and frustrated when this whole thing could have been fixed by you being a clear communicator. And sometimes a clear communicator means, if you don't do X, then I'm not going to be in this relationship. That's what a boundary is. It's a clear line in the sand. There isn't a lot of gray in this area because most relationships die on the vine because of built up resentment. And the reason why resentments build up is because you're not fucking talking about the things you feel that. Absolutely. Did I go off track there? I don't know.

I think a lot of people are going to have.

Stern conversations with their partners tonight after hearing that. I love that. Or me. And look, you don't have to be like, I'm out of here after 17 years of marriage. Because people don't pivot on a dime. But you can say, I'm worried about this. I'm giving you three months to deal with it. I want you to go to therapy. I've done the research. Here is the person. I am asking that you do... I did this with Chris. He was struggling with major depression for, I mean, it turns out, seven years. Thank God he had healthy habits, or the guy probably would have died from it. And by healthy habits, I meant waking up every morning, meditating every morning, going for a walk in the woods every morning, doing work that made him feel like he was doing something meaningful, writing in his journal every single day, talking to a therapist. But he did not want to face a depression diagnosis. And he felt that if he took medication, it would be weak. And I was concerned that all of the fucking meditating was making the depression worse because he was isolated. And there is new research out that shows that too much meditation can make depression worse because you are sitting in your thoughts.

And it was, in my opinion, making it worse for Chris. And I had to finally, after two years of watching him get worse and worse, go, look, here's my boundary. Because what you're doing is not working. You need to go on the medication that the psychopharmacologist and our marriage counselor have both recommended, and you need to take it for a fucking year. And if you can't do that, this marriage won't work. Because I can't sit here and watch you get worse and have you argue against the thing that the professionals are telling you to do. And he took the medication. And do I feel like I won? No. I feel like I expressed a boundary. And that freed me of any resentment and desire to control him, and it made me feel safe. And that medication gave him a ladder to climb out of the mental hole. And after a year, he went off it. And he's been great. And in the words of our therapist, the medication got him out of that spiral, which allowed the therapy we were doing to work. That makes sense. How do you encourage your kids to make friends without being pushy and them getting upset?

How do you advise somebody? Because we've all been in that stage where we want to be friends with people, and it's not reciprocated, and you get needy, or you start to feel like, They're leaving me out. Not everybody needs to be your friends. So how do you help somebody find their people and stay true to themselves?

I would encourage them to sign up for after-school sports clubs, get involved in things other than classes, for sure. Why? Because those types of things really bring you... I mean, first off, you sign up for a club that you're interested in, you'll be brought into a room of 20 other people that are interested in the same exact thing as you. So instantly right there, you're most likely going to make a connection. But it also encourages you to go out of your way and try something new. And it gives you that skill to maybe branch out and say hi to somebody. But I would also just encourage them to just go for it sometimes. What does that mean? My first year of high school, sorry, can't we call anybody a freshman? My ninth grade experience, I didn't know anybody. I just moved from Massachusetts. And if I saw somebody that I thought looked interesting, I was like, All right. I might make myself look like an idiot, but I just got to go up to this person and be like, Hey, what's up? What are you doing? I can assure you the first time I asked them to hang out, that was awkward.

I was like, So you don't know me, want to do something? They were like, I guess. I was like, okay. It's also nice to reassure your kids that the first person you meet isn't always going to be your best friend. If they do meet somebody, just let them know that you shouldn't try and hold on to them right at the beginning because they may not be the person for you and you will find your people.

Got you. Let's stay in this lane. I'm in a new school where everyone seems to know each other, and it feels like a loan is written on my forehead. Okay.

Well, I can assure you that a loan is not written on your forehead. I can promise you that. I can promise you that if people are passing you in the hallway, they are not looking at you and saying, Oh, this person has no friends. This person is so lonely. They're such a loser. My advice to you, like I said a little bit earlier, is just sometimes you got to go for it. Not everything is going to be given to you. And the best way to grow or to have the best experiences is to put yourself out there. And so for you, I would recommend, again, joining a club, joining a sport. But also just if you see somebody doing something in the hallway, let's say you are sitting in class and you look over to your right and someone's on their phone and they're playing a phone game that you know and you really like it, just be like, Oh, I love that game. Want to play it right now? Let's do it.

And how do you handle it when somebody doesn't respond?

I wouldn't take it personally because you also never know what other people are going through. Maybe they didn't respond that morning because their dog just died and they're in a really shitty mood, or they're just a horrible person, which again, don't take personally because they don't hate you. They don't know you. They hate themselves. They hate themselves. But my advice to you is also just that you will meet people, you will have friends and there are people out there for you. All you have to do is just take the first step and say something to anybody.

What about lunch? What about sliding up to a table and being Hi, I'm new at the school. Could I sit with you guys?

If you're new, that is the perfect way to sit with somebody that you don't know. Because you lead with, Oh, I'm new. I don't know anybody. You guys looked cool. And then honestly, it's a compliment to them because you're like, Oh, you guys look cool. I'm new. Can I sit with you guys? And they'll probably say yes. And if they say no, then you know that that's the friend group to avoid because that's the click that you don't want to be anywhere near.

Correct.

Excellent. Our family gets into this rhythm when we come together where we deeply.

Love each other. We're all excited for the first day.

And then by the time the second day rolls around, everybody is in their own corners. Everybody's staring at their phones. Everybody's grouchy because they want to go see their friends instead of hanging out with us as a family. And nobody can agree on what we're going to do together. And I don't want the holidays to.

Be like that this year.

And you are miss-fun. And you're super creative about this. And you also get really intense about it. And so I want you.

To help.

Me figure out how to have fun as a family this year? Because everything that I plan like, Oh, let's go look at the exhibit at the MFA.

You guys are like, I don't want to go.

Or I used to love going to the movies on the day after Thanksgiving. I don't want to do that.

How is it that you get.

Everybody to do fun things that don't want to?

Well, first of all, never suggest the MFA or go to the movies. That's first off. Second, It's that what I agree with you and that that's exactly what happens, at least with our family and I'm sure with a lot of families out there. I think that that's why having not a strict schedule, but planned out things or one thing to do every single day, whether that's, okay, tomorrow we're going to definitely go on this hike. And having everyone come in with that expectation that, okay, tomorrow we're going on a hike, like everyone's coming, or the next day we're going to go play paddle and we've already booked the court. It's not, Oh, you want to do this? You want to do this? It's already planned. It's in the books. There's no canceling. The following day, we make a bunch of Christmas reaves out of all our plants outside, our trees, et cetera. But we've already cut all of the leaves of the plant so that it's all ready to go instead of just waking up and having nothing to do. And then that results to, okay, we're going to watch eight Harry Potter's and drink an entire bottle of wine and be on our phones all day.

You just described the holidays at our house. I think what you said is key.

That if we're going to have more fun, we have to plan to have more fun, and we have to have a turn key so that there's no opting out and there's no prep because it is the death of fun. When you turn to a group of people and go, what do you guys feel like doing? Anybody want to go for a hike and you start teeing up options? Most people are going to, No, I'm going to sit here in front of the fire and look at my phone. I think that's right. One activity a day, costumes are required for one of them, bring something that's fun and creative to the dinner. And we talked about having some little make crowns for every member of the family thing. And so to me, that means we need to.

Have at least.

The crown shape.

Cut out for everybody.

So there's no shenanigans of like, everything's ready is what I'm hearing.

Correct? Yeah, everything's ready. We have the paint, we have the markers, the glitter, jewels, whatever we want people to decorate those with. And I think it's one of those things where that's all on us. And you're just like, that's why planning these things are fun. But if you're not into planning, then it can be frustrating and stressful. But if you like that, as I do, Ila would love to go to Target and get all the supplies and make the crowns and have it set up for everyone. And I think that when other people come and they don't have to lift a finger, but they can participate, I think that that's when they have the most fun. And while that requires planning on our end as the host, essentially, if we want to provide a fun environment, we need to commit to doing that. I think with costumes, the key thing is if you want everyone to go out, obviously, in the invitation, make that known. But you need to give them two weeks, three weeks to order the costumes, whatever. So it's not the night before and they're looking for a Santa Claus costume where they essentially just wear red leggings and a red shirt.

Got it. Okay.

So can I ask you to take on the.

Crown project? Yes. Thank you.

The final thing we didn't talk about is music. I think having.

Playlist ready is critical.

Yes, absolutely.

One of the things that I love, One tradition.

Is.

Thanksgiving, our family always brings the disco.

Playlist.

And it goes on the second we start clearing the table for Thanksgiving and there is an all hands on deck family disco dance party cleanup situation that happens.

Yes, that is true. Very fun. Makes all the dishes way more fun.

This is a question from Avery. Hi, Avery. Let's have.

It.

Please.

Okay.

Oakley.

You're young. Okay. I'm listening to the episode where Mel talks about her daughter's love-life dilemma with Kindle. Yes. And I have immediate request for an episode. I have a four-year-old daughter, and I want her to feel comfortable talking to me about these kinds of issues when she's in college. So here's the pitch. How do you raise kids who share information about their lives with you? Can you give people a tool that you could use? Is there a takeaway?

I think that the tool that you can use is a warm and excited, and interested invitation to asking your kids about their life and showing genuine interest in their life. I think that in that interest, it makes your kids want to tell you more in an authentic way.

But I also want to say that I think continuing to ask and continuing to be interested, continuing to be welcoming is very important. But if they are not receptive, don't take that as just never asking. Again, I think continue to ask, continue to be interested. But there are times in life when they will not want to tell you and you need to be respectful of that. I think it's when parents often overstep and won't stop asking and have to know.

That- That's a great point, is that a parent can comfortably be okay with not hearing anything in response. Yes. Just keep asking. That silence does not need to be misinterpreted as deafening and that there's something wrong, but just that-.

Because asking lets them know we're here. We want to listen. We love you.

I have a question from Andre who has a three and a half year old, and she's worried that she's going to screw up her kids by saying something or doing something wrong. And she wants to know, how do you not do that? And I just want to take a stab at this because I think one of the.

Things that dad.

And I have done well is we have screwed up. We have said things wrong, and we are not perfect, but we're really fast and good at apologizing and taking responsibility for the things that we do wrong or the things that we realize we regret in hindsight or for doing things that may have hurt your feelings. I think that that's like, if you realize you're just a good person and you're doing the best that you can with whatever you got in terms of your own issues and you're quick to take responsibility for them, I think it does show that you're open and that you're human and that you're trying and I don't know.

I agree. Dad, do you have anything to say about that?

Yeah, I think that there's... I mean, transparency is big and leading by your own example and us being willing to share what's so about us, I think, sets a... It's a good example that can only help in maybe a child wanting to do the same back towards their own parents. But it is fascinating to, even in this conversation, to be hearing about things that we might think we did well or didn't do well, and you having a completely different interpretation about that because you're naturally at a different age and have a different perspective. Anyway, it makes me think this is all well and good and ages and differentiation. Things are going to get misinterpreted along.

The way. Yeah. Another big thing, Andre, I'm sorry if I'm saying your name wrong, beautiful name, by the way, is honest communication. As parents, be in honest communication with each other and with your kids, be in honest communication.

What does that mean?

Telling them what's going on, telling them about your day, making sure... I feel like you guys were so open and honest in your communication with us, and you would always tell us what was going on or why something was happening, or if we asked a question, you would always tell us. And I think that watching you two be honest with one another inspires us to want to be honest with you. Another thing, too, under the umbrella of honest communication is I have so many vivid memories of growing up as a family sitting around the fireplace or sitting at dinner or sitting, gathering. You guys made such a conscious effort, whether you know it or not, to gather us as a family and to just talk about literally whatever it may be with the fireplace, wood, evergreen, mint, food, our love lives, whatever. You made a conscious effort to gather us together and get us all talking and communicating with one another that there were so many times when I was like, I don't want to fucking talk to you guys for 40 minutes at the end of dinner. I want to go play Polly Pockets upstairs.

And you were.

Under closed.

But Me and Kenal, yeah.

But now that I'm at my age, those are the memories that I cherish the most and those are the moments that I look forward to the most, which are the rabbit hole conversations we get down. Because I think as kids, I'm trying to stay on track with the question, but making a conscious effort to talk to your kid and making it a ritualistic thing where you talk to them after dinner or you're talking to them in the car. And whether they like it or not or whether they're showing they don't like it at that point. Maybe they won't, but I think that they'll really appreciate that in the long run because I know we all do.

I think, though, under the umbrella of honest communication, I think a massive part of that is vulnerability. Because I think watching my mom and dad grow up, literally, I've seen my dad and my mom cry and break down and not be strong and tell us what's going on in their life, how traumatic it is, how sad, how frustrating, how simple it may be, and absolutely be on the ground sobbing, which I think for a kid is a little bit jarring at first to witness your most idolized person as your parent be weak. But I think that watching our parents sit at the dinner table and ball their eyes out because work didn't go well that day or because they had a hard conversation with a friend. And being completely open and honest about it just essentially made that possible for all of us to do the same.

That's really big. I think when you guys talk about honest communication, most adults forget that kids are truth tellers and you also are lie detectors. And so when you say honest communication, what you're saying is you trusted us because what we were saying matched your felt experience- In your actions. -in our actions. And I also think we tried very much to make sure that if either one of us were truly upset or or frustrated or disappointed or sad that you knew that it wasn't about you, that it was something going on in our lives, that you were not to blame for negative emotions that we were feeling. Is that true?

Yes. You were very outspoken about that. When you would be in a bad mood or something, you would make sure. Even the first thing you would say, I feel like, when you would come in the room is, This is not about you. This has to do with something else. And then you would continue to be a bitch. But it's fine.

We did do all right if the firstborn is actually saying that stuff. Normally, it would just be the thirdborn that would pick up on that.

I love.

You guys. I love you, too. All right, here's another one. Now let's go to older kids. Because I think most people are now like... Because so far, the takeaway for me is seek connection. Because people are going to want to know the how. We're talking conceptually.

No, seek connection over correction is so big. So big. You will correct your kids through connecting with them.

I'm.

Not a parent, but.

Be vulnerable. If you.

Want your kids to be open with you, you have to model being open with them. And that doesn't mean sharing inappropriate things, because I don't think you guys should have access to or know the details about our marriage. That's for dad and I. Thank God. And so I feel like you have to model openness. You have to talk about what's going on in your life. You have to talk about your feelings. You've got to show your feelings.

I think that you guys showing that at times you are weak shows that you're human and makes... I don't know, it gives us more space to do that, too, because I'm going to stutter for a second until I get to what I'm saying. But in being weak, in crying in front of us, I think so many parents just try to look so strong and perfect in front of their kids all the time. But it's like by showing your kids that you guys are also human allows your kids to feel those things, too, as they start to grow up.

I also think I know so many of my friends till this day as a 23-year-old, a lot of them have been like, I've never seen my parents cry. Ever. And not saying that you need to walk downstairs and ball your eyes out every goddamn day, but I just think that not showing your true emotion to your kids is sad and not real life, honestly. I think that hiding that away from your kids and putting on a smile every single day makes a kid feel like they can't have a bad day.

I also think that a lot of parents think they got to keep the stiff upper lip and they got to stay strong and they got to be the one in charge because that's going to make the kids feel safe. And I actually think when you see your parents being human, it makes you know that you can count on them to be honest with you and that you can count on them to tell you, Yeah, what's going on?

It's like honest feeling and communication.

Yeah. All right, let's move on to the next question. But take away don't be a dictator.

Just be vulnerable. Yeah, connection over correction. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video by God, please subscribe, because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.