Hi, I'm Christina Applegate.

And I'm Jamie Lynn Sigler.

And this is Messy.

So today is a really special episode of Messy. It's our first guest. We got to sit down and have a beautiful conversation with the one and only Edi Falco. She played Carmella Soprano, my mother, on the Sopranos. We worked together for almost 10 years, and she brought it, man.

Oh, yeah. It's a listen, guys. It's a listen.

Here's Edi. I'm just so honored to have you here. Ms. Edi Falco, welcome.

Thank you so much. It is an honor to have been asked.

Well, Edie, I have to tell you. So this This podcast is called Messy because life is messy, we are messy. But it really came from a place where Christina and I feel like as women, as we age and we discover that deep, meaningful conversations are where all of our growth and self-acceptance can really come from. When we would start each conversation with, How are you? We would actually hold the space and feel free to actually say how we were. And there's very many moments in our lives where we don't answer that question truthfully for a myriad of reasons. And so this is that space. This is that place where we say, How are you? And we talk about that. And not to eat up all of this intro time, but I just want to talk right now, and then we'll get through with it. But in my own healing journey, I'm doing this reckoning with my past and trying understand what actually happened versus maybe my perception of what had happened. And I know you and I each, personally, we all on the show and everybody went through personal things during those 10 years. And for me, there was a divorce and a diagnosis of MS and symptoms starting to show.

And I was young and trying to do the best I could and muscling up and showing up to work and not telling anybody what was going on? And I'm so happy to talk to you today as women, because even though you played my mother and you were somebody I look up to, I really feel like now we're peers, we're mothers and actresses and friends And so I'm so happy to have this conversation with you. But my first question to you is, what was your perception of me during that time?

I saw you as a highly functional type A young woman who I... It's funny. I found myself... There was a distance between you and I when we worked. It was not on purpose. But I think, first of all, because you had your real mom, and your real mom was around. She was a figure on set, and I never wanted to pretend to be more than an actress playing your mother. So there was that. But also you portrayed yourself, yourself, not the character, as so competent. You know what I mean? So hard working. And the truth is, when I was a kid in high school, I was a weirdo. And I came from a crazy family. And I felt like everybody could tell that I was a weirdo. And I would meet girls like you, and I was terrified of them. The ones that just felt... They just made me... They just looked like they knew what was going on. They knew how to be with people. They knew how to function at a high level and always do a good job. So to be honest with you, since we are all women, and at a certain point, we all become the same age, I was intimidated by you.

Oh, my God.

Wow.

That is the truth.

That is wild to me because I was just such a little mess inside. I felt so undeserving of every moment that I was there. I was waiting to be found out that I shouldn't have been there or didn't belong. And I was doing the Artist's Way workbook last year. And when one of the morning pages, it prompted you to write a letter to somebody that inspired you artistically or creatively at a time in your life. And immediately this moment came to my mind. I don't know what season it was, but I'll never forget. I came home. I was going through my divorce, and I came home to my apartment in New York, and I had a message on my answering machine, and it was you, Edi. And you were telling me how well I did in the episode that had just aired that night and how proud of you you were of me. And that, I cannot tell you that single moment. I meant to send you the letter. I still have it in my night stand that I wrote in this workbook because it made me keep going. It was a time where they were calling in acting coaches to the set for me because I couldn't tell anybody what was wrong, but people could tell something was wrong, and they didn't know how.

And I read this interview with you where I'm so sorry that when you were going through breast cancer, and a lot of that was quietly, that Jim called you out and said something's up, and he did the same thing to me.

Wow.

He did the same thing to me. He pulled me aside one day and said, something is wrong, and you're not telling anybody. And I did. In that moment, I told him.

Wow.

Yeah. But I have to thank you for that message.

It's funny. You never know. You don't. You see something like, God, that's great. If you take the split second to tell the person that you're saying... Because I don't do it. I'm sure it passes. And I thought, we're working together. I got to at least let this kid know how fucking great that was. And you never think it has any reverberations beyond that. And I'm thrilled to know it's something you remember. I mean, you never know. I did it because I wanted to, not so that it would affect you in a certain way.

Of course. And it's so meaningful to me to have this conversation with you because I think I desperately wanted to be close to you and to everyone, but I just didn't know how. And it was one of those moments where I just... If you wish you could go back and tell yourself I was like, no one's... People will love you more if you share your heart. I just was afraid to just be set aside if people would know that I wasn't perfect.

Of course. Everybody is there alone in that.

I I don't know how either one of you... Edi, I had breast cancer as well and was working at the time. We're looking at that. Yeah, in 2008. Yeah, in 2008. And I have MS and all happening while I'm working. And I don't know how both of you... For me, I had to tell everybody because I'm like, I'm going to be acting like a freako, sobbing in the corner every 20 minutes. Just want you to know that this is what's going on. But I don't know. How did you Keep your composure through all of it? Because I know, I mean, I'm asking you, Ed, and of course you, because I know that when I was going through it and I had my double mastectomy and everything, I had to go back to work only a couple of weeks later. And I'm in incredible pain. And with MS, I'm falling over. I don't know how you guys could have done it without letting someone in on it so that you felt protected. I don't know. I think it's incredible.

I have always wished I was able to be like that, where I would tell people, Listen, I'm struggling. I'm going to need your help, or at least you'll know what it is, and maybe we'll have slower work days or whatever. But I come from, You just work. You just work and work and work and work. You don't tell people you're struggling.

No, I get that part. Married with children, we were not allowed to speak. It was like, if you asked for an orange juice, someone would be like, You have legs. Like, You could be on your deathbed, 104 fever at work. And they're like, Yeah, no, you do that. So I totally get that. I don't know what it is. In the last few years, I'm like, You know what? Honestly, it's Jamie a lot. When I found out I had MS, and she said, you got to set boundaries at work because now you can't. Anyway, I'm sorry to interrupt you, but you always had that.

No, no, no. That is Very different. That is a very different situation, too. I knew, or at least I assumed, that I was going through something that would have an end. I think I knew at that point it wasn't going to kill me. I had gone through surgeries and All that. I just knew it was going to be painful and messy, perfectly named at that time. And I don't do well when people are like, Oh, my God, how are you doing? So just, I can't. I don't function well. I don't know. I'm, thank God, I'm in therapy to understand why it's not okay that people know I'm struggling. They probably wouldn't know until I literally fell down. I need to go through it without people babying me. I think that would have made it worse for me. Oh, yeah.

No, I couldn't have done that either. But it was almost like my serve. I had to be like, you guys can't hug me. And if I fall into a wall, you can't... You know, whatever. But I held so many secrets, too. I mean, and I I think as a woman and a woman, female actresses, we're not allowed to say anything because the eye rolling from the male department is pretty big.

So I totally- You want to be hard to work with.

Yeah. So I held an abuse of relationships I was going through and knots on my head. So I get it. But why do we have to do? What is that thing? Why?

It's so much bigger than us.

I know.

I find I actually feel like, I don't say I know the answer to that, but I might know a little bit of that answer because I can see with my husband, then when he asks me how I am and I deeply share, He wants to be able to help and handle that, but he can't. It's really hard, I think, for some men to process your answer. Yeah. It's not that they don't want to. He wants nothing more than to help me, but sometimes he's not the one for me to go to because he can't handle that information.

That book that was going around, Women are from Venus, men are from more women. That book was the one interesting overriding point was that oftentimes you just want to share your mind space with someone. It would be nice if A man could say, God, that must be so hard. Why don't you just sit against me for a minute and we'll just watch some TV or let me make dinner? I'm like, I don't want you to fix that problem. You can fix that problem. I eventually will manage it or we'll find the person. But can you just listen to the fact that I'm struggling? That's all I want is I want you to know that I'm in that brain space and to occupy it with me. It's this thing about men often wanting to solve it.

Yeah. They want to get their toolbox out. And you're like, That's not what I'm asking. Yeah. Your solutions suck, by the way. So just let me talk.

That's right. And they want it done, and they want it done fast, and they want to do it. So it's often easier just not to say anything.

When you think back to the Sopranos, I'm wondering, because whenever I think back to it, it's just all about the personal relationships. It has nothing to do with the enormity of the show or how people regard it. It's just, if anything, I just wish I could go back even just for one episode. Just one day to go back as the person I am now.

Yes.

I got it.

Just one meal scene.

Yes.

But I am a great believer in the order of things being what they are, and it is not ours to know necessarily. And you are given experiences in your life when you're meant to. However poorly we may think we handle them at the time, I think that's what it was supposed to be. And maybe so that you can land where you are now with such hindsight. I don't know, but I know when I've tried to meddle into that, and I totally get it. If I wish I could be the person I am now in so many of my past situations. But who's I would say I would be the person that I am now if I didn't go through those things then. You know what I mean? Of course. But I do wish I could have had my own back back in those days when I was feeling less than and very social atmosphere, one that I did not fit in, and I felt like I just didn't know how to do it or whatever. But in all these years later, I wonder if everybody didn't feel that way in that way.

I think everyone except Robert. I'm just saying everyone except Robert, because Robert's like, he's my hero. I tell him all the time. I was like, Give me an ounce of you. He just got zero fucks. He doesn't care what anybody thinks about him. He doesn't even think about what anybody thinks about him. But I know exactly what you mean. But I can tell you, Edi, from my perspective and the rumors going on around you and what I would hear, you were our queen. You were untouchable with your talent, which the world knows, but just kind and professional and always there in a scene with everybody. And so whether you felt that way or not, and I understand because I felt that way a lot of the time, that was not the perception of you at all. If anything, you were above us all and we weren't worthy.

You have a daughter?

I do. I have a 12-year-old daughter, and she's way cool. She's just the coolest kid. She's got really good taste in music. This is the most important thing, because the last thing I want to do is listen to shit music in my house from coming from her room. So thankfully, she's listening to the Pixies and Nervana and the Beatles and and I'm like, Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.

That's not what I'm hearing.

I know.

The alternative- You have teenagers, Edi, huh?

They're 15 and 18.

Oh, my God.

I was so sure somehow my kids wouldn't be mean, but yeah, no, they're right on target.

Mine's early. The F-bombs at mommy happen.

The eye rolling. Oh, my God, you don't understand.

Okay.

It means we did a good job. You know what I mean? That's right.

They feel comfortable to to speak back and speak their mind.

How old are your sons now?

10 and 5. Fun five.

I love five.

I know. Having the perspective of a 10-year-old, which probably seems so silly to you two having teens, pretty much. But I look at my five-year-old and his hand still doesn't have knuckles. I'm holding on to- I totally get it. The little baby things that he still has a little bit. He just lost his first two teeth. So cute.

Oh, my God. To know that we're not going to get that back freaks me out. Like, that Sadie is coming in and straightening her hair in my room, but also she's tough and tomboy. But that little voice, it's gone. She's like, Yeah, dude. What, bro?

Nobody talks about that. I've talked to friends who have kids who just went off to college, and nobody talks about when those little kids disappear. It's like a death. Even the kids themselves don't remember those kids. But they were such a early parenting stuff. It's madness. But it's some of the most divine, precious hours of my life when they both fall asleep on you as you're watching TV, it's quiet and you realize, oh, my God, I didn't know this could I could feel this love, this size. They're just gone forever and ever, and they're just memories, and they're all over your iPhone.

Well, I told Sadie that when she goes to college, wherever it is, I'll be moving in with her. I highly encourage Los Angeles-based universities. And I'm like, Why would you want to live in a dorm when we have our nice house? Why would you want to do that? I'm doing everything I can to just make her stay here.

Planning all the seats.

They'll never need therapy or anything.

No, never.

I have a good mentor, a friend of mine who tells me, Jamie, no matter what you do, your kids will be in therapy about you. You'll either pay too much attention to them or too little attention to them. It literally doesn't matter. They're going to blame you for everything, Just do your best.

Oh, yes. Cee has already told me what she's going to say in therapy when she starts therapy. There you go. It's already planned out. I was like, Wait, how do you remember that? Something that happened when she was four. She's like, Oh, I remember everything.

She thought maybe she wasn't listening. Oh, yeah. They got it all.

It's all going to be discussed. Thanks a lot, kid.

That's right. Well, Christine, I know you wanted to talk to Edi about the Impact Nurse Jackie had.

Oh, shit. I can't even. Edi, I have to tell you. First of all, one of, if not my favorite show that I've ever seen in my life, diehard, crazy town fan. But besides you being just so brilliant on it and funny and heartbreaking and all the things, there was not a character like that on television as a woman. There was not a character that was our hero and was flawed as fuck and pined and all of that. And I think that by you having this beautiful balance of all those things that we got to really root for Jackie and root for her. I was like, no, go back to doing drugs. Seriously, crazy things in my head. I think that if that hadn't happened, it wouldn't have opened the doors for shows like How to Get Away with murder. And quite honestly, dead to me was like, there couldn't have been that character. I would have never been able to do that had you not trailblazed. That women can be imperfect and fucked up and also our hero that we root for constantly. So I just wanted to say thank you for that. Thank you.

That's lovely.

It changed the game, Edi. It really did. It changed the game.

I What else could... I mean, you guys know what else could an actor ask for but to hear that what you did moved somebody because it's more than just like, I made this much money. I got to shoot in this great plan. At the end of the day, what are you looking at when it's all said and done? You know what I mean? Was anybody moved in any way by anything I said or did? You know what I mean? 100% what else you can ask for.

What was it like when you first read that? Because it was so different than anything that was on television. I mean, you had to really trust in that to know that people were going to really gravitate. What was that like for you when you first read it? What was your feeling? It appears this nurse who's a drug addict. It's insane.

The thing is, the original script, she wasn't a drug addict. It was very, very different. It was called Nurse Mona, believe it or not. And it was written by a friend's neighbor. So it was one of those things like, Oh, my neighbor wrote a script, and he I want you to read. And it's like, Oh, God. Oh, shit. And my friend said, No, I think you might want to read. It's good. So anyway, that was how it was. And she wasn't a drug addict. And she had this thing where she could feel the aura of people. She could tell things about them. She used to steal something from each patient and put it in a drawer. It was completely different. Oh, wow. That place along the line, it was made into a half hour comedy. Now, I don't know how that happened, but that was what I guess they were buying at the time. And And then drugs came into it. It was not part of the original deal. And as each change, each new script came along, I was still finding her compelling enough to want to play it and to think that people would be interested in her journey.

But because drugs and alcohol have had a big impact on my life, not just in myself and my family and friends, I didn't want it to be just funny. So So I told them, as long as we treat this as the very important issue that it actually is, I'm game for this. And that's how it came to be.

Wow. The two women who wrote, I know one of them, but my brain doesn't I can't remember. Linda Wallem? Linda, yeah.

And Liz Brixias.

Yeah. Linda Wallem.

There's also a Liz Flayhive who also wrote.

I know Linda had a personal... I don't know. She could support the idea. I knew that because I knew her, but that's not Okay, great.

That's right. All three of us were that. Back in the early days, we were like, let's tell the story of what it's like to not do that anymore. But it changed forms many times.

I was so sad when it ended because it really was my appointment TV. I don't do appointment TV. I'm like, oh, it's on once a week. I can't wait that long. But I would just wait. My husband and I would just like, oh, my God, it's Nurse Jackie Knight. It was like that with Breaking Bad, I think, was our two things that you weren't allowed to watch without the other person. That was our Netflix and chill thing. It was our moment.

It's very sweet. Also Great. And it was great fun. I mean, as you move through your life from job to job, you want to think there's something about each of them that maybe is a little better than the last one. You've learned either how to walk yourself through the world differently, or I was I'm also involved in a lot of the cast, the hiring of the crew and stuff. And so I had a lot of people that I have come to love over the years. It's a lot of hours in the same place with these people. Might as well get you like.

I do the same thing. Every job.

Absolutely. No more time for the bullshit, for the egos and all that stuff. So in that regard, it was a fantastic job. Great place to show up every day.

Edi, as someone who I think we've talked about, similarly, how we muscle through some stuff when we get to work. But our work is ourselves, right? Our body, our emotions. How do you possess the freedom that you have in the work. I just always marveled at it. I mean, you made me a better actress when I was across from you. The only reason why I think I ever gave any of the performances I did was because of all of you around me. But there's just this really free, disarming presence that you bring when you're across from you. And I'm still figuring out how to have that while I'm holding myself personally together. Do you know what I mean?

I do. First of all, those are very, very kind words. I don't want to not say that because it will never not feel great to hear that. So I appreciate that. But remember, I've got 20 something years on you, I think, that I have been doing this. And over the years, you start to feel more valuable. You realize I'm still doing this, then there must be something people are paying me to do this thing. There must be something effective in it. I don't know what it is. I don't know how you access it. I don't know how to write about it in a book. I don't know. I just know if I take care of my inner life, then I will continue to have access to this thing. So as that acceptance becomes fuller and richer in me, that's what I'm carrying to everything I do. For those of us who've been through any trauma, family trauma, relationship trauma, trust issues are big. But this is the one thing that really it can't be taken from me. It's mine, and I nourish it. And It thus far has never let me down. I am getting older, so now I have to wear glasses to read or whatever.

And memorization is getting a little bit harder. But none of that matters because I still have this thing that I freaking love, and thus far people continue to pay me for it. So there's a confidence. It's a level of confidence you walk. And I also feel like if I'm in there and I'm not getting the feeling that it's being received in a way that is positive, I no longer feel attached to having to stay. It's like, well, maybe we're not meant to be in the same room. Maybe I'm not supposed to work on this job. And that's cool because I'll get some other job or I'll work at a freaking restaurant around. I don't know. But I'm not attached to the outcome anymore. It's like, it probably isn't.

I have a friend who's wanting to get into this business. I'm like, why? First of all, But sometimes she'll have me work on her stuff with her. And I always say you've got to have a sense of an abandonment. You can't hold on to a plan because it's a ping pong match, man. And then you've got to have abandonment and no sense of attachment to your own self and your own... And that's life, too. I feel like that's my life now. I feel like my face... If someone's talking and I don't like what they're saying, unfortunately, my face makes like a... I can't help that I'm so present. I love that. You're still brilliant, and you're such a pleasure. I'm such a geek. Sorry, I'm going to shut up.

It's lovely. But that is like when you think about if people pray, what do you pray for? And really, I think All I've ever wanted was to manage what's coming at me. You know what I mean? Instead of deciding what should come at me. I don't know. I've been wrong about everything. Never in my life would I have thought I was worthy of a job like the Sopranos that's had an effect on the landscape of supervision. For God's sake, I would never have dared to dream something so big for myself. So the truth is, when I've stayed out of my own way, the stuff that comes at me is so much grander than anything I would have afforded myself. So I've decided to just sit back, take care of myself, and see what's next, see what comes next. Some of it's whatever good, some of it's bad. And then I change my opinions about what's good and bad, but it doesn't matter. So accepting what's coming at you, that's all I want. That's all I want to be able to do.

Acceptance is everything, right? That's what creates the space.

Totally. Every drop of pain that we experience is because we want things to be a way that they're not. If you think about anything you're in pain about, that's what it is. What if you let it go and see what you have and accept it? You have no choice anyway. The sooner you do it, the less pain you'll be in.

Like that joke when people say, I want to know how to make God laugh. Tell it your plans. So there's that. That's exactly it. I'm big on manifestation and having that clear road of intention in life, but you don't fucking know what's going to happen. Do you think I knew that MS was going to happen to me?

Like, really?

Like, what?

It's a hard one to accept.

I can't say that I can imagine that just to be okay with that on some level and just say, Oh, I'm not okay with it.

I'm only two years diagnosed, and I wake up pissed off every single day. So I'm not in healing stage by any means. Jamie has taught me a lot to have some grace about it, but I'm still real mad.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

But I think in turn, Christina has also given me the permission to not have a good day or say that this isn't okay or that this sucks or this is hard because of that bit of my personality that's just going to push through and like, no, we're going to make the best of this. And do I have Aspects of this specific journey that I'm grateful for? Absolutely, because I think it's been an incredible catalyst of my own self-growth. It's really defined my spirituality and my sense of faith, even though you think it would rock my sense of faith, I think it's actually given me one. And so for that, I will be grateful, but it's still incredibly hard. I don't love to feel how I feel every day. But in the days where I can accept a little bit more than the day before is an easier day. So I do believe truly that that My very first meditation teacher, I'll never forget, he just had this big whiteboard, and then he had a desk in front of us, and he had a pen, and he said, This is the only thing the ego knows how to do.

And he kept pushing the pen with his fingers, and he kept going, I want it. I want it. I want it. I want it. Your ego has no idea what to do when it has it. Your ego only knows how to want. So put the ego in the back seat or the side. It can serve you. It can help you. You just say, No, you're not driving. But the The only thing that's going to create the space to allow the universe to have the flow of the in and out of everything is acceptance. And so I'll never forget that. And I didn't know, and I read recently that meditation, is it still a big part of your life, E. D?

It is, yeah. I mean, it could be a bigger part of my life, but I'm not getting on my case about that either. But yes, it changes.

I went and lived at an ashram in India in January for almost two weeks. Yeah. And I basically just sat with this beautiful man in meditation all day and night for many, many days. And it was incredibly transformational. I'll never be the same because of it. And it was also a big moment for me because I didn't realize how curated I had been with how I had allowed people to see me with this disease. It took me 16 years to actually say it out loud. And because of having a secret so long, I developed all the shame around it. And because it's affected the way I move and I walk and I have to walk with a cane a lot of the times. It's just... And any time I've acted, it's always like, well, let's film around it. Let's work around it. And so I've just been made to feel like this looks wrong. This makes people uncomfortable. And to really let people see me in my daily struggle and how I move was liberating because it allowed me to accept myself a lot more, which I think is the things that I didn't possess before.

And in that way, you are blazing a trail for other people to allow the space for them to do the same. I can't imagine how much that's going to help people.

I hope so. And that's the purpose of this podcast.

I wanted to ask, and I know that I am so curious curious as to Little Edi, and not being Bovie Abil, obviously, just kidding. You, what was your growing up like? And when was the moment that you knew that you wanted to take on this thing that we've been doing that is so not guaranteed and can be incredibly scary, but also life-changing. I want to know that.

It's so interesting. I was just talking to a friend about this yesterday. My story, as I've always said, is that my mom was an actress in community theater on Long Island. She worked at Arena Players and Theater 3 in Port Jefferson, those local places. I used to go with her as a little kid, and I just got the bug.

Oh, my God. We have almost the same story. Sorry. Go ahead. Right. Literally on stage because she couldn't afford a babysitter. Go ahead.

That's right. I would be sitting in the audience and just I started to in my brains, take notes. That was different from last night. I'm not always Welcome, by the way. And they started putting me in the plays. Anyway, I just loved it. I also loved that my mother was an adult. She had a job during the day, but at night, her and her friends went and put plays on. I'm like, How is that allowed? But I think the bigger story being that my mom and I, we had a very tumultuous time of it, and I wanted so desperately her approval and acceptance. It was a non winnable journey, but I didn't know. And as a kid, I kept trying. So I think on some level, I became an actress because my mother didn't. My mother got married to an Italian man. She became Catholic and had a bunch of kids and had said many times, I wanted to be an actress, but I had to have kids. Anyway, so I wondered if I could get over that journey to do it for my mom because she didn't or because she couldn't.

Wow. So I I don't know.

The story has always been that I loved watching my mom do it, and I came to love it myself, which is also true.

That's so crazy because it's almost the same thing. My mom belonged to a repertory theater company, and I was always there. So like I said, she just put me in the play somehow, and they were all hippy weirdos and stuff like that. And then she didn't become a success doing it, but we also didn't have any money. So little Christina had to work, and I started working at age three. Honest, age three.

Is this in California, by the way?

Yeah. I'm from Laurel Canyon. I'm a Laurel Canyon, and I've been here my whole life. I've never left the Canyon. Oh, my God. I've never been here. I've never been here.

I've never known A real, actual Laurel Canyon.

No, actually born and raised on Lookout Mountain.

Joni Mitchell and all those guys.

Yeah. My mom was... My dad was a music producer or whatever he did. I don't even know. He left when I was really young. So but there was always like, we knew all the people. Like, Stephen Stills is like my godfather. Oh, my gosh. I grew up on the side of the stage at like, Monastas Concerts and Crosby, Stills, and Nash and stuff like that. That was my mom's world. But yeah, I got put to work pretty early. So I love hearing that this was then ingrained in you. When did you become professional? What age were you?

I was going to go. You I had to fill out information about what colleges you want to go to in high school and stuff. And I was like, I wanted to be a therapist. I thought it was so interesting, and I figured they probably made okay money. And then one of the teachers said to me, well, aren't you in the plays here in the school? I said, yeah. She said, why don't you become an actress? And I was like, why don't you become an actress? I was like, You're a born one, right? Like in your face. And I didn't know how it worked, but it didn't occur to me. It was something you could study and go to become. But anyway, I was like, all right, I'll try that. I'll go to acting school. So that's what I did. I'm never really imagining it was something I would do to support myself. I assumed I would do what my mom did. At night, I would do my plays with my friends. And I was not the person that was supposed to be successful. You know what I mean? Of all the people that I've met going on this acting trip that I've been on with so many people my age, they had so much more vested interest in the money-fame thing And that was never anything I could have imagined or wanted.

And then to look at what my life has become, it's just shocking and stultifying, which is not to say everything about my success has been great. It's challenging, too, as you guys know. Your life is not your own. There's a lot of privacy issues and all that stuff. But anyway, none of this would I have planned. None of it did I plan or would I have.

Yeah.

Well, that It falls in line with what you were saying, where you have gotten out of the way of how things need to be. And that's everything.

It is. You make room for much more magnificent stuff. I found.

I agree.

I always love asking this question to people because is there any, and I know this is going to be very surfacey, is there anyone that you haven't worked with that you would go nuts to be able to work with? Oh, God, so many. I know. It's such a stupid question. I don't know why. This is what I'm thinking about. Darryl Streep. Yeah, this is mine, too. I think that's everybody.

Who else? Yes. Olivia Coleman. I'm crazy. Let's see. Riz Ahmed. You guys know him?

Oh, yeah.

Who's in the Night Of.

Yes.

Love this Jeremy Allen White guy from the Bear.

Edi, you got to be on the Bear next season.

Oh, my God.

I can't put anybody in their grandmother on that thing. Let's put it out there.

No, that's right. I would love it.

I'll put it out there for you. I would love to.

Tell me you're happy they're going to have more season.

Anyway, I loved it. I have I've seen it, guys. Am I the- That's a great show for you to watch.

Oh, good.

I'm still in my Bravo TV stuff, but I know.

We watch a lot of reality.

Reality TV. We're very weird.

We're garbage people. No.

We won't.

He's not alone because it's everywhere.

I promise you we won't bore you with our obsession with all things Real Housewives and all things Bravo. No, that's a whole other life. Okay, so I have to watch the bear. All right.

I will.

Yes.

But yes, I mean, nobody had a left field the answers of who I'd like to work with. It's all the people. We're crazy. Those guys.

The people.

The peeps.

The peeps. I would love to see you in a Scorsese film.

Oh, my God.

It doesn't write amazing women, I will say. But maybe I could be the head of a crime family. I don't know.

I don't know. Did you watch my friend Jennifer Esposido just directed and wrote a movie?

Yeah, I saw that.

It's all female, like Mafia.

Yeah.

Chicks. What? What's it called? Fresh Kills, I think. Yes. So you know what? The tables are turning out there.

Fresh Kills?

Yeah.

She's getting great. She's doing the festival circuit with it and getting a lot of- She's winning everything, right?

Yeah. She's kicking ass.

Jennifer Esposido and I go way back.

Oh, really?

I mean, from early days, early days in New York. She and I were going to do a movie with Rebecca Miller, who was married to Jennifer to Daniel Day-Lewis, and she's Arthur Miller's daughter. A bunch of us would get together. Nick Sandow. Oh, my God. Jennifer. A bunch of us would get together in just improv scenes in the loft space downtown, and she was going to make it into a movie. Then to go on and see Jennifer go off and do other great things.

Edie, we had Martin Shored on, and we were asking him about Jiminy Glick, and he told this story when he said he interviewed you and in the middle of you answering a question, he shushed I'm such a freaking fan of those interviews, and he totally did.

And I was so taken aback. I was mortified. I know the whole thing was a joke, but I was like, I hadn't been shushed in a long time.

That's so funny.

Have you guys seen all the click interviews or any of them?

I've seen most of them. Yeah, it's like TV porn for me. I love it so much. I asked him when we were doing the interview why I was never on, and he said, Because I didn't want you to be. I know. Whatever he said. He was really... Well, he and I have been friends for 23 years, so- Oh, I didn't know that. He He can say whatever he wants to to me.

Oh, yeah. They have a love affair. It was wonderful to just sit and listen to the two of them. He's really darling. Yes. Well, Edi, thank you so much for In my eyes, you haven't changed a bit. You're still just everything to me. And I'm just so happy to have this meaningful conversation. You continue to inspire me so much, and I love you. I really do.

Sweet. I thank you so much. That means the world to me. And you have to understand that you and I have not spent a ton of time together since the show ended. And to look at you now, I can get teary. Like my kids, my daughter, you're a grown, smart, beautiful, worldly woman. And it happened in the blink of an eye. And it takes some getting used to. You were a little teeny.

I know.

Anyway, I'm so glad you guys asked me. I'm just thrilled to have been included.

We're beyond excited, and I think that you and I are going to be best friends. I don't know if you're ever out here.

I live in Westchester now. Whoever would have gave us.

Okay, well, We have Jet Blue, don't they? Somewhere. But anyway, come here. And what Jamie knows is we just, because my legs have been pretty bad for a while, but we just lay in my bed, which that's where I do the podcast from. I have all my animals here, and we just talk about.

It's beautiful bed. I'm like, Where are you? Jamie, are you in Texas?

I am in Austin. That's what I thought. I've been here for three years. It's lovely. It's great. It's a fun place to live. My kids love it.

I've been there, too. It's a fantastic Pacific City. I love it. Yeah.

It's not too far from the other places, so it's a nice central place.

Right.

Good for you. Thank you for giving us your time. It was an unbelievable honor for me.

Best of luck with this thing. Thank you. A lot of people wanting to hear what you have to say.

We hope so. All right.

All the best.

Isn't she- Delightful? It was so crazy to hear her perspective of me because it was this thing where we really loved each other, and there was no question of that. We liked each other, we loved each other, but there was a distance with us, and I couldn't quite put my finger on it. But I think it's because we were more similar, even though she says that I was a certain type of girl and she was a weirdo, I think we were just more similar, that it was just harder for us to open up for our own reasons. It's just so weird.

It's hard for the person who's playing your mother, right, to have this balance of Katie didn't know when to step in as being a support for me because I already had a mother. But the longer she got to know my mother, I think she realized that she probably should step in sometimes. But no offense, mom. But there is that thing of this person doesn't know how are they supposed to protect you or be your peer.

And all I wanted was for her to step in. All I wanted for her- To step in and protect you.

Yeah.

That's all I wanted.

My mom thanks Katie for actually raising me because she did. So I think we should get Katie on here.

I was just going to say, can we have Katie on here?

Absolutely. 100%. But no, thank you so much. She was just so cool.

Look, that's my one ace card. I'm pretty sure. You have all the fabulous friends. Edi is my one star in my pocket that I got. I'll try to find more, but she's the best.

I'll give you Lance.

Okay.

You can take that on your golf card. Your mini golf card, you can have that.

Thank you. Par.

You got par on that one.

Wait. Thank you. Should we pull our cards?

Yeah, I got them right here. I have them.

Oh, look at you so prepared. You go first today.

Tell me when to stop.

Stop.

Left or right? Left. Okay. Oh, well, this is so crazy. Okay. I mean, it's not so crazy, but it lends itself to what we were talking about. How to stop creating time. Realize deeply that the present moment is all you ever have. Make the now the primary focus of your life. Relate I'm literally just talking about that. That's it.

All right. You're ready for mine? Yep. Do not let your fire go out. Spark by irreplaceable spark. In the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not quite, the not yet, the not at all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. I know.

Oh, shit.

Look, I think us having these beautiful conversations with people from our past and our present and are also people that we admire and that other people admire. Again, I feel like they're reminding us of ourselves and our experiences and more of who we are despite what we deal with on a daily basis. I'm just going to take them as reminders and beautiful interruptions from the universe in my regularly scheduled programming to just remind me that I'm more than this disease, and my dreams are still super valid and real, and I hope you feel the same way.

Yeah, I'm getting there, sweetheart.

I know you are.

I'm just not there yet.

I know. I'm broken-hearted.

It's okay, though.

It's okay. It's okay. I love you.

I love you so much. And so it is. And so it is.

We want to hear from you and answer some of your questions and read your comments. You can send them in through the contact form on our website.

Messythepodcast. Com or DM us on Instagram at Messy Podcast. This show is executive-produced by Christina Applegate, Jamie Lynn Siegler, and Allison Breznik. Our audio engineer is Josh Windish.

If you want to show us some love, don't forget to leave the show a rating or review. Jamie. Thanks for listening. I just want to let you know I am a paid spokesperson for Novartis, but this podcast is independent from my collaboration with Novartis.