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Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's time for the Monday morning podcast from Monday, January 11th, two thousand twenty one.


Can you believe it's already almost halfway through the first month of the New Year? Where is the fancy? How come the clouds haven't passed it yet? Um, I don't know. I don't know what's going on. I thought that they were just going to be fucking you know, I thought this vaccine was going to come out in twenty, twenty one. And then the fucking CIA, the government, everybody was going to be shooting us in the neck with it.


Like when you watch those nature shows and they're going after like they shoot wild pigs.


Just catch a bunch of fatties running out of food court with no fucking Mascord, just shooting them in the neck. I thought that that's what they were going to do. I really thought we got it. Let's make a big fuck like we're having a keg party, right.


Let's get a couple of Kedgers of this shit and have people do some fucking cake steads slowly but surely trickling out, I guess. I don't know what it is, but, you know, I will tell you this. I think covid numbers are going to be down in a few weeks because there was six fucking NFL football games this weekend. I watch every one of them and Ohio State plays Alabama all day, we got Mike, we got no fucking make plays.


Alabama coming Monday Night Football team, the Alabama Cranswick women can't have riots in our state. We left the Alabama Crimson Tide.


Sorry, I had to get the Alabama Cheddar, you know, going. Which, by the way. I don't know who I'm rooting for in that game because I love rooting against both of those teams. I like Ohio State. I like I like the team. I'm fucking with you. I just like listen to their fans fucking whining all the time nonstop. Like, they just like, you know, when I was a kid, the fucking cunts that used to drive me up the wall was was the fucking Notre Dame fans when they used to act like nobody there did steroids.


Everybody said the you know, the Lou Holtz years.


You say you play you like you're getting any game.


They're like goody goody fucking horse shit. Ya know, they were out there fucking shooting heroin and banging whores. OK, that gets a college football program. OK, maybe not ever. OK. Whatever, none of this, nothing sparked by any sort of information, they just it just bugged me. Maybe I didn't like where my life was and I didn't like this this fucking little old guy telling me how to live my life when I'm trying to watch a god damn.


I think that's what it was. So my is going to be a lot of apologies. On the podcast this week, all right. But anyway, let's get to the. There's something about watching Nick Saban losing his shit that I just love to see because it. I don't know what it is I do that at least he's doing it for a great reason, he wants to win a football game and continuing being, you know, him and his wife, being Mr.


and Mrs. Alabama. You know, you think they're walking around playing for barbeque much less than they fucking paid for barbecue in that state, you know? Well, I guess if they're down near Auburn. Yeah, but what is he going down there?


All right. I've talked myself into a corner as far as like I don't even know. I mean, usually I don't know what I'm talking about. But now now this is this is an especially. Tough corner I've talked myself into, but I think, oh, man, I love the SCC. I also like the Big Ten. I don't know who to root for. I'm just I'm just psyched that there's going to be the two powerhouse teams are going to be there.


I was breaking Ohio State's balls a little bit, only having to play six games. But they they mop the fucking floor with Clemson so it ain't their fault. There was there was covered. So they obviously deserved to be there. So come on, Bill, pick someone.


I'm going to go I'm going to go to Ohio State. For Jay lawit. Rosebowl Tailgate legend, back when we used to go to the Rose Bowl, now this covid I'm going to root. I'm going to root for them, despite how much I like Smart Wilson's barbecue in Alabama. I'm going to root for I'm going to root for how state. There I said it. But this thing this is why I think covid cases are going to go down, because I think everybody was just fucking inside.


Everybody was inside. I'm sure there was a lot of fights with the wives, you know, when she married a gamer, you know, sitting there right with you. You know. Fucking cheering it on, but I watched every single game, this a few games I saw, like I didn't see as much of, like the Saints Bears game, I didn't get to see a lot of that because I had to go do some stuff with some other parents and kids and stuff, you know, you know, parents from my daughter's school.


So we sort out of a social thing in the park, which was kind of nice because I had watched so much football at that point. I did need to get outside.


So let's start what kind of world we live in and where the Buffalo Bills beat the New England Patriots twice sweep them. In the regular season and then go on to win the division and win their playoff game, I'll tell you what kind of world, the kind of world with the Cleveland Browns beat the Pittsburgh Steelers in the playoffs back to back weeks and they beat them in fuckin Pittsburgh. Let's start with the Bills. Bills beat the Colts. I don't know the fucking names here.


I just know that they won the goddamn game. I was really thinking that guy Hines was going to be more of a problem for the Colts running back. I just feel like he's has the potential become a superstar and, you know, once again, the stupid fucking analytics, why the Colts don't kick two field goals in the first quarter, first half.


I don't know why they don't do. I don't know what the fuck it is.


I don't know what it is. I was watching the fucking brown Steelers and they go, well, you know, if they went for two there, then they only would have been down.


If they get it. If they get it. Jesus fucking Christ, what is the analytics versus kicking and of kicking a fucking field goal versus going for a two point conversion? I don't know, I don't know, but you know me, I don't like change. I'm like most people, most old people, I don't like change, which is why might I get an apology coming up? In the future, so the bills win that game. It's great to see.


You know, and then the most dominant performance I saw all weekend was the Los Angeles Rams beating the Seattle Seahawks. I mean, they just they just fuckin won every single aspect of that game. I couldn't believe it. I mean, I sat down, you know, I like watching the Seahawks. I just thought that they were going to, you know, I thought to be tight in the first half and then Seattle would pull away, that's what I thought.


They just they kicked their fuckin ass is the only way to say it. On the offensive line, the defensive line, the corners running, passing special teams, they just fucking had their foot on their neck, their neck from the beginning of the game to the end. Total domination. Um, and then Tom Brady.


The TB, the Tom Brady Buccaneers DB now stands for Tom Brady, not Tampa Bay, the Tom Brady Buccaneers, my team that I'm rooting for.


With Gronkowski now, Antonio Brown beat the team from Washington to closer game than a lot of people thought, and then that Ravens Titans game, Jesus Christ, Lamar Jackson just showing why he's the MVP of the league, the most exciting, amazing player of the entire fucking what I saw, because definitely I'm stepping in and out with the kids was that 40 yard like it was going to get sacked. Then it was like, is he going to get a first down?


And all of a sudden he's 40 fuckin yards later, we scored a touchdown. Amazing. Amazing performance and the Ravens game plan. You got to give it up to them. All right, we're sticking everybody up in the line. We're going to take Henry out of this game. We're going to let Ryan Tannehill have to beat us. And he did not. Saints beat the Bears. I missed most of that game because I was doing the parents thing.


And then I just watched the Browns Steelers, which was just a fucking bizarre game like the Steelers. Just I don't know what was going on. I can the ball over the head throwing fucking picks and doing just they did everything they could to lose the game in the first quarter and then somehow still Ben Roethlisberger throws for 500 yards.


I would love to see stats. Before they opened up the game, like how many times somebody threw a quarterback, threw for 500 yards and lost the game, let's look that up, shall we? Now, I know there was a part of the weird know, maybe the Browns played a little lighter defense when they were up the amount that they were up. But you got to give it up. Baker.


Mayfield. Have got to give it up to that guy. How many fucking quarterbacks have come to Cleveland not done, been able to get going?


I mean, you just your career was done before it even started in. That guy has led them to to the playoffs in a road victory. The Cleveland Browns first road victory since nineteen sixty nine since we walked on the fucking moon, allegedly.


I think we did. Now, why why the fuck would you make that shit up, you know, so you just, what, brag to other countries? Well, Bill, that's that's what the conspiracy theory is, OK?


Kubis. Throwing five hundred. Yards and losing. Brady is the first QB to lose a game with five hundred yards. Three touchdowns are the most of all that was the Super Bowl against that, the Eagles, the Eagles game, he threw 500 fuckin yards.


I remember that game. I was sitting there. I was talking to my buddy, a guy I don't know who's going to win this fucking game, but nobody on defense of either team should get a fucking ring.


And the punters should get a participation trophy. It came out there like two or three times, um, Big Ben threw over 500 fucking yards and. You know, probably through for 80 yards, if you count as interceptions, another 80 yards, I should say, just unbelievable, huge fucking win for Cleveland, for Cleveland and I can't imagine. It was funny when they said this is probably the biggest victory in Cleveland Browns history is something like that. It's just like they they won championships back in the day.


Paul Brown, you kidding me? I think that their biggest victory was when they won their first NFL title in 1950, coming over what what people said was the inferior all-American football league. And they came in the first year. They won the fuckin title after winning all four, they won four in a row.


All American Football League Championships, 46, 47, 48, 49. And the NFL regards an inferior league. Right now, it's collapse, and we'll take a couple of your teams will show you how football's played. And the Cleveland Browns game, the old right there, Fred, legitimized what the fuck happened in the AA, the all-American Football League. And then also they they literally changed the Paul Brown changed the fucking game is the original Bill Belichick. He proceeded, Vince Lombardi, all of these fucking guys, he's the guy.


And they came up with the West Coast offense with Bill Walsh in Cincinnati. I mean, Ohio is football. So it was so bad that Cleveland has been bad. Bad for this fucking long.


It's great. It's fucked. It's fantastic. Having said that, I hope that's not Ben Roethlisberger. His last game when he was just sitting there on the bench. It made me sad. Just a fucking amazing competitor, you know, and despite, you know, how many interceptions and shit I mean, they else off of tip that stuff, it's like the guy still threw over 500 yards and a Cleveland Browns fan shitting their pants with twelve. Twelve minutes ago, and at one point they were up eight, nothing.


All right, so there you go. There you go. All right, let's talk about my day, the best part of waking up. I had like a just a great dad weekend. You know, my daughter had a first week of school and.


So I was I really, really missed her. You know, she's my buddy, right? So we just we just spent both days, like, hanging in the garage. You know, she's got a scooter, you know, ride bikes. You know, playing drums, she's really getting, you know, under like. Getting good at drums, you know, just kid good, you know, and she now she now she says right before she starts playing drums, I'll have guitar and she has the drums.


She gordita, let's jam.


That's the coolest thing ever. But I owe an apology to Coastal Buycks. I'm starting to see that exactly what they said that training wheels inhibit. And delay, and they don't really teach anything, they just it's just somebody holding you up the whole fucking time, the coast up like I now get it, I now get it.


And at first my daughter was just fighting it and fighting it, said she didn't want to do it. They don't get it because once they were in a tricycle, they want to pedal. And if now if they got a scooter like my daughter is like blazing fast on the scooter. And is just one with that thing, it's like crazy, she's like looking back, making a turn, smiling at me, gliding and then occasionally swiping her foot on the ground to keep her momentum going.


It's like. Yeah, I mean, my mother in law was just watching, just looking at each other, shaking our heads, going to look, she's got this down. So the big thing with the coaster bike. Is I think once you get them to push with both feet at the same time and then glide a little bit and then they start to get it, and she started doing that. And then I got her on her Christmas bicycle that has the pedals and everything.


And now she's like paddling. It's got handbrake. So it's weird when she stops paddling, then it goes backwards and she gets so confused.


So sorry, I'm yawning. I'm doing this. At the end of the day, I really apologize. I just have a million fucking things to do tomorrow. And I'll be on Jimmy Fallon's Tonight Show. I just said that Jimmy Fallon shows how tired I'm at The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. Jimmy Fallon didn't buy The Tonight Show, The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon, sorry, looking forward to that. I've known Jimmy since 1996. I've also known him for a quarter of a century.


It's crazy. So I always have fun when I go on that show.


So tune in if you can. So I got to knock this thing out tonight and it's just been so much funny shit in like the news and everything.


But anyways, let's get back to being like a dad. I just did all of that, you know. I was giving my daughter, you know, just going up and down the driveway in my old truck, and she loved steering it and all of that, so I was getting her to go, what is that right there? And she's like, That's the joke, Mike. That's right. One of these that's the wipers. What are those?


Those are the lights. I'm getting all of that down because I told you one of these days she gets tall enough. It's three on the tree. I'm going to teach her how to drive it. You know, I think that's that's a really big thing. You know, teaching your kids how to do shit, you let the teachers teach them how to read and write, do all that crap, and then you teach them how to do shit, other shit kind of rounds them out, you know what I mean?


And then I'll see you, I don't know, I think it's big to remember. Like what it was like to be their age and one of the things that I hated the most was, you know, when you started running out of your favorite clothes. And then you go to your tier two close and then you just had the those close that you just never wanted to wear, but you just had to if your mom didn't have time to do laundry or anything.


And, you know, I had a couple of days like going to school and just what I had on I mean, I was getting, you know, fucking shit kicked out of me before I even get in the goddamn school when I was just getting hazed and stuff was just one of those deals. Right. So tonight, before I was doing the podcast, I did the kids' laundry. And my wife's like, we to start laundry now, and I was just like, you know, she's going to school tomorrow.


And I always told her I always hated that when I was a kid. You know, women out there like, oh, any time you care, women, just like I've learned so much about women like the last six weeks and like I was doing everything fucking wrong. It's hilarious.


They really are not that difficult to live with. As crazy as that is. I mean, that difficult is selfish and all that bullshit. We all know that, you know, you buy a bunch of shiny shit and they'll like it for a month and then a month later, they want the next shiny thing, especially one of those fucking Kardashians. Where is it? Right.


But I mean, just as far as, like, sort of just keeping it going along, you know, all you gotta do is take them out to lunch.


Every four or five days, take them out to lunch, take them for a drive. You just go just go do some silly shit that they like to do. They love it. They love it, you know, and then like. They never really do any of the silly shit you want to do, right, but. Conversely. Did not a bad mood, so like that's that's how it works in the male female dynamic, like the best you're going to get as a guy is that she's not mad at you.


You know, but women can really, you know, you know, they get a lot of. Get you to participate in a lot of shit that you wouldn't participate in. You know, I just I don't know, I hope I'm explaining this right, like if they're not into sports, then I come down, just fucking watch sports just to keep you in a good mood because they don't need to do that. All they need to do is just fucking leave you alone.


That's the thing about just fucking leave us alone and you're golden. I met this chick. She's fucking great school. The shit she's cool is shit means she doesn't fucking break my balls. She's not nagging me. That's all you have. Isn't that funny. All women have to do is not nag a guy and the good guys going to be in a good mood, right? Unless you're, you know, dating a cunt, you know. You know.


Some asshole guy, all right, with women, though, all you have to do. You have to do shit with them.


So, you know, like mostly you're going to lose in the exchange, but like, you know, if you love the person you're with, you want to keep just keep them around.


You just do some shit with them. It keeps them in this really, like, nice place. And I just started doing that and my wife was always cool. Now she's just like, ridiculously cool.


And I'm really learning because it was two times she fucking pissed me off. You know, she pissed me off today and I and I just fucking was just like, I don't I don't want to do this. It's not worth it. It's not worth it. I just breathe my way through it. I thought about it. It was a comment she made in the way I interpreted it probably was fucking wrong.


You know, we've done all of this shit and I had like. I don't want to get into my day, whatever she had to go on, do a bunch of shit, so I was like double dad duty, right? And then doing laundry, cleaning up the kitchen, doing all of this shit, running out to get dinner, all of this fucking shit. And we come home after all of this crap. Right? Well, I met the parents as we're pulling out of the driveway, she's like, oh, God, my workout today just hit me.


And in my head, I'm thinking like a corseted course. It just hit you because you realize we're going into the house now and it's time to give the kids baths.


So you wait for me to take the bait, which of course, I did.


That's how I read. That's how I read it. And I fucking and then I was just like, you know what, dude? Maybe she is just tired. She's also breastfeeding the kids, really sucking the life out of her. Don't be a cunt. And and I didn't and I did all the shit. And you know what? Right before I came out and did the podcast, she came up, kissed me on the cheek and said, I really appreciated all the stuff you did.


And that's it. That's it. So I'm really realizing the same way I went off on those people that had the coastal bikes all these years. I mean, you know, just fight and die and on every fucking hill, like so many times, like there's not even a hill there. It's just my own fucked up brain with grass on it.


All right, let's. I got it. I got a tease cause of Cosmo magazine slash. I got to give him props, you know, it's really hard to have a magazine now. You know, so what you got to do, like Rolling Stone, they figured it out every three days, they put out the top fuckin bass players of all time and then they fuck and have them just so people can read it and be like, you got to be kidding me.


Flea's only twenty six, right? So they can lose their shit genius.


Right. So what is Cosmo going to do, the top fucking twenty one hundred top hundred chicks with eating disorders we put on the cover.


No now they can't do that. They go the other way. They go the other way, they put a bunch of overweight chicks on the fucking magazine cover. And they're like, this is healthy. Right, just to get people to go, what the fuck and fuck? Ba ba ba ba ba ba. They're using.


These big girls to sell their fuckin magazine, and I don't think that they believe and I even think they believe what they're saying, it's just a total fuckin it's low hanging fruit as far as like it's like shock jocks. Shit. They're just doing that. Everybody knows that's not healthy. That's not good for you if you don't believe me. Like I'm 52 years old, most of my overweight friends are dead. It I mean, it is what it is.


Here's the thing, Cosmo, are you going to do the. Where are they now? Follow up to that fucking 20 years? I don't think you're going to. I don't think you're going to. I don't know what the purpose of that, I totally understand not being mean to people that are overweight. I do get that. But to fucking sit there and say that, I mean, that's literally like somebody what if someone was drinking to that level?


This is healthy, I faced down in his own fucking yak.


I mean, I this is it. I don't buy it. I don't buy it.


I think that's just total marketing. I don't think that their their heart is buying it. That's that's what's saying that. And then I saw some others. And this is the only reason why I see, you know, this bullshit is because I'm one of the biggest hypocrites you ever going to fucking beat your life.


I really enjoy it. Like when I was. Waiting for the football to come on. You know, my daughter was bugging me, she likes sets this fucking thing. Ryan's world was this little kid. He plays with toys with his parents, and he makes like a I don't know how much money this kid's making, like the same money Johnny Carson made a year, but Dave Letterman a year. And he generates like nine figures in toy sales. So he's not underpaid.


Actually, I think he's kind of getting fucked. I mean, if he's if he's generating 250 million dollars in sales and he only gets 30 million, I mean, I don't know.


Can't give the kid 50. So my daughter always wants to watch it, right, and that show Ryan's world is definitely.


One of those shows, like back in the day, like Teletubbies, I remember my friends when they had kids, Teletubbies was big and it was one of those things that kids were just like would look at it and couldn't stop looking at it. And adults were like, I can't. There's nothing here for me. You know, where if you watch, like, Bugs Bunny, there's like it's just funny. And then there's also jokes in there for adults.


Same thing like the genius of Sesame Street. Right.


So with Ryan's world, the only thing they're for the adults is I'm just watching the parents.


And I am amazed that their energy. And everything that they're doing when it's just like and I know I know they're making money, too, but it's just like. They turned they turned the exhausting job of of of being a parent. Just like we're like when we were in the like the park, you know what I mean? You know, I'm raising my daughter, you know, like she was a little shy around the other kids soccer school and like I let's, you know, get her out there.


So I was like, hey, I'll race you to the tree. And, you know, she loves doing that. And you, Mark, get set and she thinks it's hilarious if she takes off early. And, you know, that was that was good for about three or four trees and then, you know, 15 minutes later she wants to keep doing it and it's just like my fucking knees bugging me, you know?


So I'm watching these parrots. I'm like, Jesus Christ.


The the. I mean, it's not really physically hard. What it is, is it's I would think just mentally to be playing kids games like that and they're shooting it. So you got to do like different takes. I would just think it was exhausting. So that's the only thing I'm getting out of it. I just sort of watch the parents going like their energy level is incredible. So anyway, she wants to watch it. And I kind of lied to her.


I did lie to her the other day. She wanted to watch and I said, I can't watch. She goes, Why? So because Ryan's asleep. She's like, how is he asleep in the TV, Dad? I was like, Oh God, you always ask the best questions. She has one time we watch on TV, she goes, how come they're wearing masks inside the TV? Meaning basically they can't breathe on us. Why do they need to wear masks?


I had to try to explain to her that this is showing people sitting next to each other. I don't know.


They're not in the TV.


So anyway, so I finally just said, listen, rain never goes to sleep. It's recorded. I just daddy can't watch that show all the time. And she said, why not, Icko? You know, Daddy doesn't always like that show. I've decided I'm not going to sugarcoat shit. I mean, I'm not going to be a total asshole, but it's just like like Daddy can only take so much of that show. Like I watch Bugs Bunny with you all day long.


I can deal with rain for about fucking 25 minutes.


So anyway.


So she's bugging me to put the show on and I'm waiting for the NFL pregame show to come on, so I caught the end of that George Stephanopoulos show. And they're all talking about all this shit about we're going to fucking impeach Trump and all this shit, I'm like a fucking impeach the guy that he's got, like, fucking 10 days left. What are we doing here?


And then I'm like, oh, if we don't do it, then we're setting the precedent that, you know. Because now now the big thing is that that ship went down at the capital. The big thing now is to put it all on Donald Trump like he was the only fuckin guy that. Got people of a certain mentality to that level of frenzy that they would do some shit like that and. So now everybody is just walking away from him.


And I really feel like I wish that on that show that they would examine, do you think that 24 hour news networks. That aren't really presenting the news as much as they're presenting their opinion about the news, clearly biased to one side or the other. What that what that has done.


So I don't know, it was just funny watching that Chris Christie guy getting on there and just talking about, you know, I wanted to be I wanted to be like, well, you were in bed with this guy.


So let me ask you a question. Where did this guy lose you? At what point did you start going like, you know, was it you know, it seemed like you were all about this guy until he kicked you to the curb? I don't follow politics a lot, but I know he was in bed with the guy for a little bit. And once he sort of kicked up to the curb, you know, and then he still kept his mouth shut for the whole thing.


And now that he's lost the election, all of these people in that lady on Fox News wagging her finger and yelling at those people that did whatever the fuck they did there at the Capitol, because I've still not quite watched all of that. I have to be honest with you, that really look like I did enough morning radio to know that when you do morning radio, when you have a live event, like that's what shows up.


No matter how smart your show is, smart people have shit to do. They're not showing up in a fucking parking lot. To watch a radio show, but lunatic's, there's something about radio that it would just. You know, I remember back in the day when I was on the fucking amazing show, the Opie and Anthony show the amount of really smart people that I would run into on the street that were like, hey, man, I'm a big fan of the show, you know, and they really could talk comedy in, like, you know, really smart people.


But then when there would be a live event, you know, I mean, think about it. It's like it's the middle of the workweek. Who the fuck is going to be there? You these were like fucking lunatics. So, I mean, as much as pissed off as people are.


You know. That that person didn't win, who's got the fuckin time to go to Washington, D.C. for a protest?


Forget about to start following somebody dressed like a bison into the goddamn place. I don't understand it.


Anyway, so now all of a sudden they can can Mike Pence invoke the 25th Amendment and I'm like, what the fuck is the 25th Amendment? So I started looking and all it basically said was if the president died or became incapacitated, that he becomes president. So, like, I couldn't you know, I sort of skim read it. I don't understand. I thought, like, doesn't that happen in the house?


Not the White House, the other House, the House that they broke all the windows on there, the bigger house, the more impressive house. I always like the Capitol building more than than the White House, you know, I mean. I mean, half the fucking people on The Real Housewives, those fucking Botox whores, have a bigger house than the White House and it's not bigger than the Capitol. You got to give it up to the Capitol, right?


I don't know. I'm talking about people here. I don't know what's going on with this shit, but. It is I think it's kind of good, though, that people are finally speaking up, going like, all right. Everybody settle the fuck down. What's going on here and I and I hope that. Everybody has learned, including just, you know, people who aren't on those channels that like when you sit there and fuck with people.


Online, you don't know who you're fucking with, like, I've kind of learned that through doing what I do, like when people shit on me. You know, semi emails and trash me and all this stuff, like I just ignore it because you have no idea what's on the other end of that fucking e-mail unless it's funny. You know, like a lot of people, like on Twitter, I'll go, but if they talk sports and shit, I go back and forth.


I think that stuff's fun. But when somebody really comes at you. You know.


And it's so internalized, whatever the fucking joke was that you did, you just like, all right, this person seems like, you know, they had a lot of bad shit happens and I don't need to be.


With so I just, you know, I let them have their victory. Go ahead. You wouldn't trash me. It's all you. I read it. I heard what you said and I'm not writing back. So that's what I'm hoping in 20, 21. I'm hoping that, you know, this this 80 year old guy with a facelift who seems to be a war monger doesn't start another war in the Middle East. And I hope that somehow we can sort of.


I don't know. I mean, look what Teslas are doing to all of these fucking loud ass gas guzzling cars. I mean, they're just blowing them off the line and all these fucking idiots, not fucking it's all these people who have invested in a gas combustion engine. All they could say is, well, you know, it doesn't really you know, it beats it up to about 80 miles an hour and then it kind of taps out. Yeah, 80 miles an hour.


OK, what's the speed limit out there? The car is fucking incredible. The fucking car is incredible. So. You know, if you're going north of 80 miles an hour, you're an asshole if you're doing that in public. Just go to a track and go see what your car could do, because, you know, I'm not saying a gas combustion engine is 100 percent wrong.


I'm just saying it's one of the main reasons. Isn't that why we're over there in the Middle East?


My crazy man outside and I don't know.


Let's just get the fuck out of this subject. I watched the new Netflix series.


Is it Lupa LP, this new French Netflix series? There's only five episodes. The first one I loved watched it last night with my wife. I was able to kind of keep up with the French pretty good.


Because it's not like hardcore dialogued. It's not like that's really like I tried to watch call my agent. And. They talk really fast. Rupali Trivet. Ed. I have a difficult time in the like, I feel like that like this Lupine series, I'll be able to maybe pick up more on and then I can then I can watch.


Because I feel like call my agent is sort of their version of like the office or whatever. So it's very like snarky quick dialogue maybe. I don't know what it is, but I love a God. I can't fucking keep up with it.


So anyway, there we go. Did I handle all of that shit, I'm trying to bring people together here. All right. I'm not trying to cause any fucking arguments. And, you know, I thought that Miami Heat thing that I did the last podcast was funny. Most people thought it was funny, but there was a couple of people. Jesus Christ is one fucking guy.


He's just like after ten years, like he decided because of that joke. That he was no longer going to watch my comedy or follow my podcasts and he felt the need that he had to issue a statement on my Twitter account, which is just as funny as, fuck it, I didn't have the heart to tell the guy. I didn't even know you were following me.


You know, I get it, if you didn't like it, go, fucking go. Let's do another podcast. Why do I have to fucking like how fucking up your own ass are you? Did you really think I was going to say, wait a minute. What happened to that guy that I don't know. Oh, thank God he issued a statement. Now, I know that this guy didn't even always follow my podcasts, decide to fucking leave.


I swear to God, the Internet has turned so many fucking just Joe Six-Pack people. They act like people in my business who have their own fucking TV show. Well, obviously, he's going to be devastated. I have to I need closure.


All right. Let's. Let's read a little bit of the let's do a little advertising here. All right, let's go right out of the gate. Right out of the gate. What do we got here? Um, well, I'm going to go with oh, here we go. A new read here. It's Herbes site.


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You don't even need your pants on. By the way, Tim sent me some of that stuff about a year and a half, two years ago, and I unfortunately had already quit drinking and I brought it down to the Comedy Store and I handed it out to some comics. And for weeks they were coming up to me going to who made that shit? What can I get some more of that stuff. So proof's in the pudding. All right.


Herb Sweida Dotcom made by the great Tim Herb Alexander, a drummer. Oh, this can be fun to read these. He's got so many hours and all of this shit. All right. Let's get to the other shit here. What do I got here? What have we got here? All EPOP. Lollipop, talk about how much you love soda. I do love soda, I love orange soda, Fanta, and I love the fucking I love root beer.


I'm not into diet soda, fuck diet soda. So let's talk about how much you love soda, diet soda, or used to love soda, but haven't had it in years. No, I've been, you know, since I quit drinking, I actually, you know, I partake I partake there late at night because I don't want my daughter seeing me smoking the last of my cigars before I quit again because she's always like Dadush. Why are you blowing smoke?


So I got to I got to stop doing that, but I drink a root beer with it. So anyway, obviously, these guys lollipop, they make fucking soda. Let's get to it here. OK, there's a new kind of soda that tastes amazing, but it's actually good for you. We've converted a ton of customers over from Diet Coke. By the way, if you want to know about Diet Coke, talk to fucking Dean Del Ray.


He went out on a date with some chick, he said that used to fucking make that shit. And that was one of these diet offers, Diet Coke. I don't get fucking sued by these people.


It's the Internet. Can't get sued. She said I worked for one of the big. Cola companies, and we make that she saw him drinking it, it's just to let you know when we make that stuff, the concoction for that, they make us wear hazmat suits. So enter Ali Pop. All right. A new kind of soda that tastes amazing, then it's actually good for you. I think this is going to be a revolution in drinking sorry, who who doesn't like to have BIAP, right?


Everybody likes it. I actually tried their rootbeer I got to be dead honest. It was weird for two sips and then I got used to it and afterwards I didn't feel like shit like oh god, what did I do that I only had the root beer and it gets a big thumbs up for me. It tastes just like the sodas I grew up with without the spoonful of sugar and artificial green. It doesn't, it tastes a little bit different, but it's almost like when you've been eating the shit version for a long time.


It takes you a second, like I used to put a bunch of sugar on my cereal and it took a while when I stopped doing that. Now I actually like taste in the cereal. Is that a good example? I hope it's the first fucking week break my balls here. They have delicious flavors like vintage cola, classic root beer. That's when I had orange squeezed cherry vanilla and strawberry vanilla. Talk about your favorite. My favorite far is the the root beer.


I'll tell you about the other ones because I'm smoking another stick after this. How do I say that French.


I'm going to go smoke a stick. Jouvet, Fumie, Fumie. On club or something like that, I think that's a stogie. Talk about your favorite flavor and why you're loving it. I love it because it tastes like root beer and it doesn't make me a fat fuck. 90 percent of Americans consume more than the third. The USDA's daily recommended sugar intake, 30 grams sweetened beverages like soda, a leading source of added sugars in the American diet and isn't also sugar like a carcinogen, unlike other sodas that are full of sugar, corn syrup and artificial ingredients like aspartame lollipop.


Yeah, that's starting to see that. That stuff creates plaque in your brain, I think is made with natural ingredients that are actually good for you. They are so confident that you will love their product that they offered 100 percent money back guarantee for orders placed through their website. We worked out an exclusive deal for the Monday morning podcast. Listeners received 20 percent off, plus free shipping on their best selling variety pack. This is a great way to try out all the delicious flavor to claim this deal.


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That gives me more time for what matters most. Jerking off and playing drums.


Sorry, each month they they send a box, the highest quality meat.


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OK, let's get through the goddamn people writing in here. All right. Rich, flat earth.


This is a flat earth for everybody. He says, Hey, Pastie, last time I wrote in above Flat Earth, I tried to explain a motive for it, which was basically because I was like, what is the motive for telling people that it's round when it's really flat? He said, which I try to explain the motive for it, which was basically along the lines of there was a lot of money to be made in the idea of space.


You and your guests, I don't remember who it was, who he was, said that it would be impossible to get one percent of the governments on the same page with this big of a lie, which would make sense if more than three country countries have been to space. Oh, Jesus Christ, America, Russia and China are the only countries to go to space. So you'd only need the three of the most powerful governments to be in on the lie, so I think it's more probable than you and your friend made it out to be.


Hey, buddy, you don't need to go to space to know the world is round. You just get in a fucking boat, you start sailing west and you keep going to get back to your house again. Yea yea yea yea to to get on that boat, get on that fucking boat, go to Antarctica, go find the fucking ice fall, take some fucking pictures and then I'll believe you.


The best part of waking up is knowing the earth is round hollow earth.


Dear, believe them, as in you, dear, dear Billy Verne, as in Jules Verne, I don't know what that means.


If you think that flat think flat earth is crazy, you should look into hollow earth. Apparently there's a hole in the Arctic that leads to the center of the earth. Apparently, Al Gore is one of the few people who has received permission to go to this Arctic gate. There are great artists illustrations to give, if you give it a Google seems legit to me. I don't. Does that make the earth hollow if there's a hole that goes to the center of it?


Let me ask you this. If you take a fuckin nail and you hammered into the center of an apple and then you take the nail out, is the apple now hollow?


That just means there's a fucking hole in the center of the earth, I don't give a shit about that as long as they don't fall into it. The fuck what the fuck is all of this about? Who gives a shit if it's round, flat or hollow? I don't give a fuck. Is it still spinning? Is the sun coming up tomorrow? Got. I got other shit to fucking worry about. Jesus, you guys are like bird watchers with like dirt.


It's just a fucking obscure hobby.


Go, go fucking do it. By the way, I saw a fucking clip of a snake that got stuck in a spider web and a black widow was like. Thing was just sitting there, I don't know if it paralyzed it with its poison or what was fucking nuts. I can't believe it was real, how the fuck did a snake get all the way up into that thing? Maybe just watched that Michael Jordan thing come fly with me when he got all amped up, just trying to fucking, you know.


I mean, that's what that's a fucking Pixar movie right there. A snake that wants legs. So sick of just scurrying around the ground, you know, where his best friend is, a therapy. There's a couple of songs in there and some message about fucking live and let live. I don't know. The snake just learns in the end, everybody with legs gets stuck in something, but because it's a fucking snake, it can go down the hole that leads to the center of the earth and the snake proves that the earth is hollow.


And that's the end of the movie. There you go, you just fucking have famous people do the voices. I know you guys figure it out. All right.


Chinese food. Ari, what does that mean, Chinese food rec, I don't know what that means. All right, dear, I hope this is coming from China. Oh, Chinese food recommendation's. Oh, my God. What a good shit. All right, so I was asking my Chinese listeners if I have any to give me the heads up saying you don't have to tell me where your favorite places to go. You don't have to ruin it by telling a white guy where it's just give me a second favorite place where you go.


So here we go. Dear Mr. What's Going On? As Bill Byrne It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just for Friday, Monday morning podcast belly button. I am your I am your fan from China.


How wild is that, what's up, man? How are you doing in bed right now? Well, you listen, I'm thinking of you in bed as I'm writing this. Actually, no, they're like fucking 14 hours ahead of us. He's probably staring at the clock right now, going, how the fuck am I going to get through another day of this goddamn job? All right. I'm your fan from China. I enjoy listening to your podcast.


When I walk around the river in my city river, I often laugh hard when I listen to it, like when you did the impression of your daughter, daddy, you're the greatest in the world.


As a mom of an eight year old, I can sense your inner happiness and smartness. Isn't that nice? And you still like me because I assumed you were a guy, since you want to know which Chinese restaurant to go in L.A. for authentic Chinese food, I searched online and asked my relatives in L.A., in L.A. what a good shit. Thank you.


So here comes my recommendations. I know you hate bad Internet information, but we do trust the restaurant recommendation app I use. And also I ask my relatives, that's the big one in L.A.. All right, now, am I going to share these with everybody else? Yes, of course I'm going to. All right. She is giving me, too. All right. Number one is Din Tai Feng Din TAFE engie. And then she has the.


Chinese alphabet characters there to spell it out, which is also really cool, you know, be fucking hilarious. Is if I had that tattoo on me, because that's like a big thing out here, right? There was a big thing like the 90s into the 2000s of people who didn't speak Chinese getting Chinese lettering on them. And these guys were just fucking with them right in like. You know, egg roll and duck sauce or whatever. Anyway, it's more like a mantra.


I read that and I thought I had courage, strength and honor in Chinese on my forearm. And it turns out I had Denty Fang, just the name of a restaurant. They used my forum for advertising. They never paid me to be fucking hilarious.


It's more like a fusion of Chinese food. So you can find a huge variety of food there, like Cantonese food, northern Chinese food, southern Chinese food, etc.. It's a chain store, too. I don't know if I like that. People can find it in Singapore, Thailand and other places. I have to say it's way better than Panda Express. The must try one is juicy pork dumpling. All right. It's in Torrance, California, on Hawthorne Boulevard.


Good deal. All right, number two is. Sichuan expression s i c h ua and I apologize. To all Chinese people with this brutal pronunciation, I'm trying to expression, I think Sichuan food excels in all Chinese cuisines. It's like the Cajun food in Louisiana. It holds a reputation for its huge variety of seasonings, used as each dish requires different cooking methods. As the saying goes, one dish with one flavor with 100 dishes comes 100 flavors.


Sichuan food is well known for its hot and spicy flavor, even though it may sport sweet and sour flavors to the most commonly used spices are the five fragrances which consist of fennel, pepper, aniseed, cinnamon and clove.


Chili and Sichuan Pepper, obviously, I was born in Sichuan, but I have been to many different places in China, so I know lots of people over the country love the food. If you can bear spicy food. All right.


If you cannot have spicy food, you can try Kung Pao chicken. Isn't that just like a fucking regular, are you fucking with me here twice cooked pork? And don't forget the snack, it's the fried rice. All right, I need to expand, extend my gratitude to you, because I know more about NFL and college football. Thank you for being the sports culture ambassador. Your podcast lights my day and is also a super great way for me to practice my listening.


Look at that. She's learning English, listening to my dumb ass. By the way, I. I realized that your listeners are man probably the other day, but I as a woman feel super happy that I enjoy myself.


When I listen to you ramble about daily life stuff in sports, I even wonder what heritage pork was once I look forward to a Super Bowl.


Podcasts, go fuck yourself. Best wishes, Ying Yang, thank you for listening and thank you for the recommendations. I'm going to try that spicy. What? I'm actually try both of them. God knows I got the time if pandemic continues. All right. Advice, different relationship with WOAK, Sister. A difficult relationship with Wolk's sister. I was at its sister SIEV E.R., so, I mean, I feel like that's a relative, if it was 60 a.


Then then there'll be a different thing, right? All right. Hey, Bill, I'm a recent big fan and lady listener. Look at this, two ladies in a row. My boyfriend introduced me to you. We watch Paper Tiger and at my politics. And I had my political defenses up. He saw me making faces and just told me to wait and hear you up. I open my mind and really heard what you were saying. It was hilarious.


She brought my defenses down and taught me a lot. Now you're fit. You're my favorite comedian. I listen every podcast.


Look at that. Look at that. I brought you into my world of ignorance. I have a difficult relationship with my sister because although she seems to be doing better, she's 20 years old and has already dealt with so much depression. That sucks. However, it just keeps getting harder to keep a relatively good relationship with her. Yeah, it's exhausting. It's exhausting to have a relative that's depressed to try to fucking pull them up off the mat every day is exhausting.


You know, as much as you want to help them out, you know, there are times you just like fuck anyway. However, it just keeps getting harder and harder to keep a relatively good relationship with her. I've always tried to help her as much as I can as a sister, but she sulks a lot and really feel sorry for herself.


It affects our relationship because she insists on keeping us parentheses me and our other sister at a distance to protect us. In quotes, she doesn't realize how much of a copout that is. We all have struggles for. It's just seems like she's been there's a difference between actually being depressed and just being a mopey asshole. I would think with my lack of any sort of psychology degree, she thinks hers are worse than anyone. She's also glued to her phone when we hang out and can't hold a conversation with me despite my many attempts.


Or is she depressed or is she self-involved? That's the question for me at this point. Anyways, it seems like she spends all of her time on social media. So it seems fitting with all that, with all this that she would fall victim to the white women. Hijacked what movement? What also be if she's on social media all the time, that's also they say it really is bad if you're a depressed person. Anyway, this is part of the reason I don't feel comfortable around her.


I can't be myself. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells. What is she going to do, cancel you from the fucking Thanksgiving table? You got to go the other way, I would just start acting extra ignorant. Which I think is the solution to all of this, all of these overly sensitive fucking people, you just you just act like more of an asshole. It's truly is that is the balance of nature. If you're going to get overly sensitive, I'm going to be overly annoying.


If you're going to fucking be a good shit, I'll meet you in the middle. All right. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around her. She'll jump on me for saying something wrong. On Christmas, I was showing my parents, comedians in cars getting coffee. My mom wanted to watch the Dave Chappelle episode, and my sister blew up at us about how we made some violently transphobia comments and went to her room.


She came out remembering that it was Christmas and we had to get through dinner. I haven't talked to since, but she's being fake. Nice at dinner and I couldn't stand it. You know what? Sometimes you got to let people just go through their shit and let her walk out. And then what you do is you watch the comedians in car with Dave Chappelle and you act. You just laugh extra loud. You laugh like fucking De Niro in Cape Fear when he was at the movies.


So that's my problem with her is twofold. I don't know how to approach it. I'm tired of trying to meet her halfway. She calls me and acts like she wants to hang out. But she but when she does, she doesn't do anything. It's like she's not even there. How do I explain to her how I feel without her getting defensive? Should I even try to talk to her at all? Where should I start? Anything helps. Thank you for reading.


I appreciate your perspective. Yeah, you are completely being held hostage by her emotions. All right. This person doesn't sound depressed to me, they just sound like a fucking asshole. This is what I would try, but, you know, if she really is depressed, I don't want you to say something fucked up to her and God forbid she does something crazy. So what I would do is I just would stop fucking reaching out to her as much.


And when you're hanging around there, if she wants to be a mopey asshole, that is not your fucking problem. When you were a kid and you laid in bed, you were like, what is my dream in life? Is my dream in life to cheer up mopey assholes? Try to figure out why they're mopey, even though I was in a good fucking mood. Fucker, if you want to watch Comedians in Cars with Dave Chappelle, you watch that shit, she doesn't want to she wants to go to Rome, fine, let her go to Rome.


But when she comes out, scream and yell and be like, look, I want to watch this. I didn't tell you not to go to your room. I didn't try to make you stay here. Yeah, I don't know. She's only 20, maybe she'll grow out of it. Hopefully you guys will laugh about it someday, but I think it's really not about her at this point. I need I think you need to sort of reclaim your own happiness.


And when you're around people, even if they're relatives and they don't make you happy, then, you know, you need to fucking protect yourself. All right. Let's go hang out with somebody fun. Have a good time. Oh, my God, I would break up also be like a little sister, you know what I love about you?


You remind me why I love my friends so much, because they're not, you know, if you can't be that mean. That's what I would do, I would. I think you're you're you've sort of lost yourself in this. And I think it's from what you've told me, she's just being she's being a little controlling. And if she wants to hang out, she's going to sit and look at a phone that she's she's being a douche. I would just look I mean, you know, you can look at your phone at home, what the fuck you come over here for drinking my goddamn booze, but know that I'm a douche.


So there is that take out and I have no degree in anything, so. Good luck to you. All right. I got to be honest, I read that whole thing and I felt bad for you, I didn't feel bad for her at all. Fucking idiots storming, storming down the goddamn hall. All right, nineteen sixty six, dash the trap. All right.


My name Sid spelled C D I have a woman three in a row and a computer programmer. Love your podcasts. I too turn to it to get me through these uncertain times like a junkie will. Thank you for listening, she says. My movie recommendation is the 1966 movie The Trap with Oliver Reed. Hard to find, though. I bet I could find it online. It's got to be somewhere.


And also you like them. Animal prey shows you got to see the show. I was prey specifically season two, Episode three about the Hippo and the tour guide. Oh my God. This is people who almost got eaten the whole I was praised series about people being turned into prey by wild animals. Better than a horror movie. OK, that's all for now, I can't say it. I was raised not to curse, so I can only vocalize alone to my computer screen G.F. why I respect that nice, classy person.


The trap. I will definitely check that out. Well, thank you guys for writing in. Loved hearing from the ladies of.


Love hearing from people around the world, all of that shit, love it, love hearing from sports fans, the whole goddamn thing. So thank you guys for listening. I hope you guys are going to tune in and watch the Ohio State Alabama game tomorrow. And that's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday. Congratulations to everybody who made the playoffs. And congratulations you. I mean, who the fuck would have thought the Buffalo Bills and the Cleveland Browns, even a year and a half, two years ago, would both make the playoffs the same year and win the first fucking round?


That's so awesome. And I'm really happy for all of the fans. They waited so long and like I said, the Los Angeles Rams, I don't know what the fuck that was, but that look like when Bill Bill Belichick had the Patriots.


Performing at the top level, it was amazing and to see Groff come in, you know, this recently operated on some gutsy, gutsy fuckin performance.


It was just great. It was great. I love seeing a. I don't know the just the X's and O's of that and how everybody did their job and shut down an incredibly talented. Team like the Seattle Seahawks and. You know, what's his face there, Flanders, fuck MySpace in on his name. Oh, sneaky Pete, Pete Carroll. Like, he really got that defense where they needed to be. They were letting up all kinds of points early in the year.


I thought he did an unbelievable job as your coach. He's such a great coach. And I was looking forward to watching them deep into the playoffs. And then they ran into that L.A. team. Just God damn did they shut them down. It was fuck it was as a football fan, it was a pleasure to watch.


So that's it now. So I don't know. Is a Pats fan first time in fucking two decades? My team isn't in it since the Matt Cassel. Yea, I guess so. Once in 20 years, it was kind of fun to just sort of sit there and root for some good football and I definitely got it.


And the NFL and the team in all of those games, that was the shit so good on them. That's it. I'll talk to you guys Thursday.