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Hey, what's going on is Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning part now, it isn't, God damn it, it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and.
Just checking in on you. You know, though, four years ago, is it New Year's Eve, right? What's that song? Should old acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind?
Well, yeah, no, you shouldn't, even if you if you meet somebody who's a cunt, you want to remember.
So the next time you see me like, oh yeah, that's that guy I didn't enjoy being around.
So I don't know, I never understood that song. You know, I've been let's do a bunch of old 70s shit because my wife, she loves that stuff. So she was listening to bad company, you know, at some bar down the road, something bad about something. So I've heard it a million times.
Ready for love. Which I'm sure feminists have a problem with, I don't hear the female voice consenting. He's just saying he's ready. Like, I'll do it if you let me I was listening to the to had the first album.
And then Steve Miller and just a bunch of great drummers, Simon Kirk with Bad Company and Gary Malapa, I hope he said his name right.
And then they have like I was on the first album. So I don't know that that guy's name and I forget the other guy's name, you know. My first exposure to heart was 1985, these dreams were blood, whatever, that was that shit, and it was more like Poppy and all of that. And then I remember one like Barracuda came on. We changed the channel to like classic hits, which is hilarious because the song was only like fucking eight years old.
But there was a different. But there was such a difference between the Sound of Music before, like that whole whatever they did with the drum sound and shit in the 80s, it made everything from the 70s sound like it was immediately 20 years ago. They used to play like Tom Petty Damn the Torpedoes. That album was on classic hits in like 86, 87, maybe like 88.
It was like 10 years old, 10, 11 years old. It was weird while he hid, the band was still going and they had just word that whatever they were running down, a dream was out at the same time. I don't know what I'm talking about, but I was listening to Steve Miller, The Fly Like an Eagle, and I always love the drums on that, even though they're way down in the mix.
I just love. It's that great combination of busy and tasty at the same time as a bunch of space, and he's filling it up and I just wish I'm sure if I went online, this probably the isolated drum track of Fly Like an Eagle. Oh, my God. That's what I'm going to go do for a fucking hour after this.
So. I've been having a great sort of relaxing week as much as you can with the little ones running around. I was really feeling a nap coming on today and I took my wife out to lunch instead, but I'm fine and I got to give in to those things. Had a heck of a week with the house. It rained out here like a motherfucker, like it, like never rains.
And then all of it all at once. It just, you know. Goes fucking nuts, so. What happens out here, I've learned to be an East Coast guy, is that the the top whatever, two inches to four inches of soil gets super dried out. And then all of a sudden when that water comes, it doesn't like absorb it, it's not solid enough to absorb it and it just gets, like, washed away. And that's when you get like a mudslide and you can have a mini mudslide.
Right. Your own backyard.
Like I did not really a mudslide, just a bunch of that earth just clogged up the drains and then all was overflowing the driveway and into the fucking garage and all of that. So.
I got out there, all right, and for years I've wanted to buy a raincoat, all those years I lived in New York, I never owned a raincoat. I wanted to I was like, why don't I have one? It rains here all the time. These stupid umbrellas they keep they keep from your eyebrows up dry. And that's if there's no wind and everything else below you gets a different level wet. And from below the knees down, you just soaked.
So. I never got one, so when I was over in Iceland, they had these really cool, like stylish raincoats, so I bought one, so it's was pouring down rain and I'm like, oh, I'll go wear that. And then I go out here and, you know, I got like fuckin cactus and shit, you know, because it's a desert in the backyard and like it.
I don't even want to look, I felt it tug at the coat and I'm like, what kind of a fucking asshole buys a stylish raincoat? You know? You know who does? Me, my dumb ass. And then and then I never wear it because it never rains out here. And then I finally do and that I have a fucking raincoat I got from doing shit jokes in Iceland.
Who would have thought I'd rip up a rip a hole in it on a fucking cactus in Southern California. But it happened. But I was like I didn't give a shit because I was like, totally. Into UNCLOG in these drains, with all the unconventional tools that I have, I don't think I've ever owned a shovel. You know, because I lived in New York City and, you know, it's just a building, we had a super and he cleaned off the state, there was no reason for me to ever have a shovel.
OK, I don't have any dead bodies in my past. I just never owned a shovel and all I could have used one. Instead, I use this fucking kitchen utensil. I don't even know what it is. It's like silver and it's sort of like a claw and like a spoon shape at the same time. But the claw goes all around it like I don't know what it would be for. Like pulling pulled pork apart, I don't know what it's for, I don't even know why we have it.
And I just was taking that thing and going down to this ice cold, murky fucking rain water and just pulling up clumps of dirt out of the fucking drain on my hands and knees as it's pouring down rain.
And my wife kept checking in on me. Right. Just let me know how old I am. You know, she just go, like, how do you should really come inside?
We're going to have somebody come and look at that tomorrow.
I'm like, I got it. I got it. Please be careful.
Just like she was talking to me like I was climbing a ladder up onto the roof and I was on the ground. That's how fucking old I am now. That's how sweet my wife is. So she checked on me like three times. And I just kept digging and digging and digging and digging, and I realized like, wait a minute, this train goes from here to another train to another train out the street. And I'm starting at the train three away from the street.
I got to start at the one at the street and work my way back. And that's what the fuck I did. And the most exciting moment was I you know, because I don't have the right tools. I had one of those warehouse brooms. I left my garage because I only like keeping the garage is spotless, is my wife is not allowed in the garage. She doesn't know that, but she doesn't have anything in there. So she never really goes in there.
Haven't really broken in the news to her yet. She's not she's not allowed in there. She can visit, she can poke her head and see what I'm doing. This is mine. OK, you have all the rest. OK, all the other square footage with all those stupid fucking throw pillows, what I don't even know what they are for decoration for Joe.
For her who's coming over, nobody's come now, it's a pandemic, nobody seeing them, we've seen them. The excitement's over. They scratch your face that too hard to put your head on.
You know, one of the worst things you could ever do to a homeless person is show up with a bag of fucking throw pillows. Does she didn't want to give him the goodwill because, you know, they're just going to throw him in the ocean, right? And then you just give them to the homeless people and then they're like, oh, my God, I got some pillows. I have something to put my head on instead of this hard concrete.
And then what I eat, you could hear, I bet even before you get home, you could hear their screams of pain under that overpass echoing all the way back to your house. I'm sorry, sweetie. Was it was raining like a motherfucker. And I finally I took the warehouse broom handle and I just jammed it up the fucking whatever the fuck you call the thing that connects the drains, the pipe or whatever. I'm not a handyman. And I finally broke free and all of that water just came rushing down.
I was amazing. It was just one of those fucking own in a house, moments that like. It's such a stupid thing, like literally an eight year old could have done what I did, but the fact that it worked and I got it all out of there and it wasn't backing into my garage. You know, I wish my wife was like the guys coming tomorrow. I could have done the classic action hero thing looking over my shoulder, but like, we don't have time to morrow or they could be immoral.
And what was it, Rocky? There is no tomorrow. Oh, that's what I yelled.
Fuck blew it. So then the continuing saga of the house that I bought with character is the attic. Toys in the Attic, great help I. The Dossari did this house in the 2000s like he made a ton of money off of this, I know, because every fucking way he could save a nickel. This guy did it in this fucking house right up until the bullshit. I'm blaming him. Who knows when this was in, but everything else.
Everything else in this fucking house. The people that own the house before, you know, I'm finally going to get the plumbing done, the last piece of plumbing, you know. We have two different sized pipes that go in and out of the house, the one that goes in is bigger than the one that comes out and every plumber that comes over, he just looks at and they shake their head and do it right.
And the thing is, in order to fix it, they're going to have to gut part of the fucking house to get into the fucking walls. And part of the problem is up in my attic where they ran the plumbing up and over and then down is what they believe is they have instead of having the roll out insulation, they just sprayed it up there like a porn star.
So I had a guy come over today to talk about how much it's going to cost and how long it's going to cost to vacuum all of that shit out. And then there's going to be no more secrets, we're going to know where the the plumbing is and then I have to yeah, I'm going to have to incur a major cost, but. You know, it is what it is I got to make sure the kids have hot water, they have hot water, it just takes like nine years for it to heat up.
And then you're wasting all of this fucking water. It drives me nuts. So everybody just sort of uses. Mom and dad's bathroom right now, that's that's what this was, what happens when you buy a house with character. So but I did have a victory. OK, I cleaned out those drains.
And. Today, you know, is when you know, the trash was coming or yesterday, I should say, yesterday, pick up the trash, fucking days come coming, combining here. And so we had all this shit in the recycle bin because of Christmas, and then we had a normal trash week. So we had too much shit. And for whatever reason, that drives me up the fucking wall. And I know that. All right, if.
If I don't take all of this trash out to the curb, this fucking thing's almost already filled up again and I'm just going to be behind the eight ball for the whole fuckin year. So what I did was. You know, filled up the trash, the recycle bin, right, and I made sure that I put everything in that tight enough that I could put extra shit, but it wouldn't be too tight when the van comes up and slams the barrel that the bottom third stays in it.
And then I took all my trash and I had it sitting there behind this bush. And I waited all afternoon for the trash truck to come up, the Plotkin thing shows up, empties my my recycle barrel and I wait for the guy to disappear around the corner. And then I start running, made three trips with the recyclables and I filled it back up again like three quarters. And then I took my my recycled trash can and I dragged it across the street.
For what? He came back down the street and I put it between the two houses across the street. And then I ran back and hid behind the bush like a little fucking eight year old. And they emptied it again. And I waited for him to leave. And I just came out.
I was like. Again, he fucking made my week, made my week. It's called the old double pickup. That's how that goes down. Now I know what a lot of you guys are saying, well, why don't you just take a stroll with your trash later on at night and put, you know, put it in some empty or one of your neighbors? I've already tried that.
And I got caught like. They don't know that I know that they know I know that they know because all of a sudden. This person always would put their trash barrels out, always had him out before me because I put mine and I have different hours in this person, then all of a sudden, ever since this time, they caught me.
Like, they don't put this, they never put their barrels out until we put our barrels out and it's just like, all right, fair enough, fair enough.
I wasn't you know, it was just an extra, you know, bag of trash. But I get it. Your trash barrels. I could have asked and I didn't. So I was the douchy neighbor neighbor.
So there you go, that's I kind of did what I had to do there, and I'm so fucking psyched because I don't know why shit like that gives me like a fucking panic attack, because I. You know, Christmas was on. Was it Friday? Yeah, Friday, and our trash pickup is on Wednesday. So I'm thinking, you know, we just immediately filled it up on Christmas Day and I was like, oh my God, what are we going to do with all of this shit?
Fuck, I just I don't know why it gives me anxiety. Like, I love just getting all this shit done. You know, washing the dishes and cleaning up the kitchen, having all the laundry folded, just having everything fucking done so I can start today with today's problems and not also be doing yesterday's problems. Maybe that's what that trash thing is. I don't want to have to fucking be dealing with last week's trash. Plus, this week's trash.
Whatever. This is the shit right there. You're either INTUITY or not, you know, if you have somebody that takes your fucking trash out. You couldn't relate to any of this. Will excuse me. That was me getting all self-conscious about the story I just told.
All right, so we made it to the end of 2020, and I'm finding it hilarious that people just immediately think that, you know, because the calendar switching that covid is over some shit. I'm just hoping that this goddamn vaccine is going to work. But now some fucking one of those fucking river fucking Rafter's out there in Colorado got the new shit. Or if you're a conspiracy theorist, they're like, oh, this this vaccine is the first wave of them inoculating all of us or whatever the fucking word is.
So this is going to be a light one, so now they're going to get all the sheep are going to show up to get vaccinated and then they're going to be like, you need another one in. Each one of them is going to make you more and more like the slave robot that they want for all that shit.
Right. I don't give a fuck. I've had a great 52 year run, I am ready to just, you know, go ahead, do some experiments, see what happens.
I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck.
Anyway, let's talk a little let's talk a little football or football playoff, the mighty six and Ohio State Buckeyes are playing Notre Dame.
So you got Touchdown Ogge versus the fuckin scarlet and gray cunts. Who do you like? Who do you like? Let's see. Notre Dame's record.
Notre Dame. Record, I got to give Ohio State the nod here, they only played six games, six games is enough to get up and running, but it's not enough to get hurt or you stay real healthy. So, OK, so Notre Dame played 11 games. All right, let's see what the what is the spread Notre Dame spread. See if they has it's sacrilegious to to bet on a Notre Dame game holier than thou. Alabama versus Notre Dame prediction way, no.
I thought a. Oh, Clemson's playing them, oh, I'm an idiot. Alabama versus Notre Dame. Wow. Notre Dame touchdown Jesus versus the people that need Jesus the most, Alabama. This is an interesting match about, you know, they're going to get fucking killed. Let's see what the spread is. Let's see what the spread is, Alabama versus Notre Dame, does Notre Dame come out in the Kelly Green? Do they come out in the Kelly Green?
Oh, I cannot fucking wait. With 28 national championships between them, the Alabama Crimson Tide today against the Notre Dame Fighting Irish to the most. I hate when they fucking do this to tell me the goddamn. It's so fucking annoying. I said, what the line is, these stupid cunts at CBS Sports, they don't even have the fucking line, they just immediately to their bullshit. All right, Khaled Shak Dotcom, these are the guys they got to be.
They got their predicted score. That can't be right. Notre Dame's getting 19 and a half points. The son of God is a 20 point fucking underdog, Jesus Christ. Maybe he really did die and didn't come back. All right. The overunder is sixty five and a half.
I don't know shit about Notre Dame or their defense that seems low. That's for U.S. about right. Alabama will score 40 something. Notre Dame scores 20 something, I'm staying away from that game 19 and a half points. That's one of those games you just if you bet that game and you you're given those points, you play in 19 and a half, you've got to wait until the third quarter before you turn the game on. You just can't do it.
You can't fucking do it because that's when Alabama starts imposing their will. I feel unless they're playing some shit bomb team that it happens immediately. All right. So Ohio State. All right. The Crimson Cunts, the scarlet cunt's scarlet and great cunts versus the Clemson Tigers. All right, Clemson. Vs. Ohio State. Point spread, point spread, CBS Sports. Go fuck yourselves, CBS Sports, go fuck yourself sports book. That sounds like that.
Speak in my language here. I want some action. All right, the second ranked tigers, OK, by the betting odds. What do we got here, overunder is 66 and a half. You got about 300 to win 100. Wait a second, what is the point spread, you can't. Oh, Jesus Christ, prediction 37, Ohio State 37, Clemson 35. So at least that Ohio State is seven and a half point favorites. Oh, man, I would take Clemson, I take Clemson to the points, without a doubt.
You know why? I'll tell you why. Because I saw in Ohio State gaining share against Indiana Hoosiers and they put pressure on that kid, a quarterback, and he was not comfortable not saying he's not a good quarterback. I just don't think he's used to it. I think he's had a nice, easy time standing back there in that fucking pocket. So all Freckles says, take Alabama.
Who are you give 20 points. But they're like a pro team, they could beat the Jets. Actually, it could. That's how good the Jets are. Two game winning streak. I don't mean disrespect.
They're all right.
I'm saying take Alabama and take Clemson. Did you read it first or fiftieth? Good luck to all teams, I hope nobody gets hurt and you all make it to the NFL. There you go. My Boston Celtics are playing good man. I was getting frustrated with them. Thinking like, fuck, did they do this again? Did they get rid of some guys and bring in some more guys and we're going to win 50 something games again this year and then get bounced out after the second round.
But I got to tell you, I've been like what I saw against the Pacers. I missed the pace game. I watched the Grizzlies and John Morente wasn't playing. They got one of the good guy wasn't playing, but Kemba Walker wasn't playing for us.
So I don't know. But you'd think if John Morant's, you know. Was looking like he's going to be an MVP, MVP candidate is what they say, and if he's not playing, then we should kick the shit out of them, which we did. What's his face got to be anybody's fucking name anymore? That Tatum Tatum had a career high, as did the other guy, Jaylen, whatever. What the fuck am I going to start taking some fucking medicine and how do I get between seasons?
Just forget everybody's name. It's not like I'm going around the league. This is like my team. Boston Celtics. Lineup. Jaylen Brown, right? I just saw up Jaylen Brown Bam. OK, there we go. Jaylen Brown and I like that, that Williams, the third guy. Paten Prichard's fun to watch Jeff Teague get a bunch of steals. Um, I don't know. I kind of like our team. Jaylen Brown had like 43 points and only played three quarters.
I don't want Tatum ended up with, but so, you know, if they're not going to play, you know, if John Moran's not playing, then we should kick the shit out of which we did. So I felt good about that. But we got to like I think coming up, we got like Back-To-Back games against the Pistons and then the next night we play the Miami Heat. Well, you got to love Miami, just like the city.
I mean, out of all the cities that I go to with, you know, some of their biggest, you know. Part of the economy is cocaine and human trafficking. You got to go with Miami, you know. We say have nice weather. Sorry. So anyway. It's been weird listening to the Celtics feed without Tommy Hines, a man it sucks, really sucks, but Scalabrine is great. And then they got Kendrick Perkins during the halftime, so.
It's fucking cool, but this is for the first couple of games watching with that time, you know, it's it's really sucked, which is depressing. So let's not talk about that. Let's talk about some good shit.
I found some information on that I thought was just in Sweden on tinnitus or tetanus, however you say it, they got this thing over in England that they're trying out now.
It's the I can't even explain it.
Obviously, I'm not a doctor, but shit, everybody's a doctor in twenty twenty. All right.
They got this thing where you just listen to these like. Headphones, and they figured out that the ringing is not in your ear, it's actually in your brain, the part of your brain that processes sound.
And it was fascinating where they just broke it down to like keys on a keyboard and they find whatever the ring is, they find what note that is in your head and they. It's like because of the damage you did, it's not processing it correctly. I don't know how they do it. It was fucking wild. I got to post the video.
I'll give you the name of it if you suffer from it the way I do. But it really gave me hope that there's people out and I would think that that's going to become a big business because all these kids wearing those fucking earbuds walking around, I mean, I would be deaf if the technology that exists now existed when I was a kid.
So if you're young and you listen to really be careful with your ears when you go out to the clubs, you got to wear earplugs in as much as people are going to shit on you telling you. If you don't ring a bell going off in your head forever, it's probably a good investment to get some ear plugs. Let me let me look this up here, if I could find it. I took this hilarious picture of my son. He was looking over his shoulder and he looked like Bruce Willis in Die Hard, you know.
You know, Bruce Willis would always do that look, you know, like he would solve a problem and then he'd hear a noise and then he'd do that slow look over his shoulder. He was doing that.
I took slo mo video of my daughter.
She got one of those Hot Wheels tracks. What does a couple of loop de loops. So she's all in to take in slo mo videos of that. Oh, and then I smoke one of the best cigars I've had in a while. Allow Rora Maduro won some award with the Cigar magazine. Are you fucking kidding me? Did I not take a picture of this thing? All right, here it is, there's a bunch of people tonight just listening to this going, please, for the love of God, help me out here.
Oh, here it is. It's called an eight a.m.. I like Apple and like Nancy M like Mike T like Tom three zero S.R. Charlie Romeo Neurostimulator.
The device developed for treating tinnitus, tetanus, an ailment that affects five to 10 percent of the population to varying degree.
Helping develop the system from the ground up based on findings of scientific research conducted on a medical procedure, there's a YouTube video that you can watch on this thing. I mean, it is fucking wild.
So they basically. Through sending this sound into your head, try to manipulate the way it sounds, process and fires off in your head. It's almost like I don't know how to explain it, because I'm not a doctor, but it almost seem like if you. We're building an engine. And you know where they got we got the firing sequence, you know, which pissed in it, you know, you're going to sparkplugs, going to spark, like if you if you had that the firing order in the wrong, wrong order, that's almost like what's going on with you hearing is the only way I could try to explain it.
But you watch it and I hope it fucking works, but.
They only seem to have it in England so far, so I'm going to contact somebody, people that I know out here to see if anybody has it out here yet. If I find out any information that I get, I will definitely forward on to you guys, because I definitely got a bunch of emails, people saying they also suffer from it and. I don't know, and then I'll try it, if it fucking works, I will sing its praises for the rest of time.
But having said that, so.
You know, as I still play drums, but I just make sure I now wear headphones and earplugs, which is fucking crazy, but I do I can't, you know, what am I going to live right? I got to live.
So anyway. I took a drum lesson from. By the great Dave Elitch's the other day and. I'm telling you, man, he gives lessons online, we assume no matter where you are in the world, this guy is fucking unbelievable. Because I was getting close, you know, the good times, bad times thing, you know, and I just keep fucking it just and I actually oh my God, I forgot to tell you guys. I videotaped myself playing drums.
Oh, my God. One of the most humbling things I've ever watched in my life, I thought I was fucking killing it. I thought I was fucking killing it. Oh, my God. I looked. I look like I've been playing drums for three months, I always say this, I look like, you know, those wind up monkeys that, like, clapped cymbals together. That's what the fuck I look like. I thought I sounded badass, I, I look like a jerk off it was it wasn't even like off tempo was like jagged, it was just it just fuckin sucked.
And. My whole life, people always just say, well, you just need to keep playing, I keep playing and keep playing. And, you know, there's truth to that, but it's also like. What Dave looks at is he was just saying, you got like he just goes, you're too tense, you need to relax and just he just works on how you're sitting, how you're holding your body tension in your jaw and your shoulders, all of that and just sort of equates it to like, you know, if you want to hit like a baseball or a golf ball, if you try to kill it, it doesn't go anywhere.
But if you totally relax, you know.
It takes off and we worked on that for like an hour. And he got off the zoom and then I just played for like another half an hour and I couldn't believe. It sounded like my drums. Became like three sizes bigger. They sounded fucking enormous. And. On all of it, he just fixed how I was sitting and got me to relax, nothing else did show me any cool filles didn't show me any, like, techniques on how to hold the stick or move your feet.
He just he just worked on how I was sitting and getting the tension out of my neck, shoulders and jaw. It's fucking amazing, highly Dave Illich, you got to check him out, élite C.H., Dave Illich, he's on Instagram and all that.
So anyway, that is the that's the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. I hope all you guys have a happy new Year. Safe New Year.
You made it through twenty twenty. Man, it's going to be it's going to be better, man. It's it's got to get better. Right. It's going to get better or or it does.
But I think it's going to be all right. That's it. Have a great weekend, you cunt. And. We don't stand to lose it all together to show what it is we have to worry about, they clansman keep us from the. Clinging to the things are trying to. Hey, what's going on?
It's Bill Burr, and it's the Monday morning podcast, the final Monday morning podcast for 2012, Monday, December 31st, 2012.
Happy New Year.
You know, there's no New Year's songs, are there, other than the dumb one you sing. After they do the countdown, right, you lean over with some chick who's got red wine, breath and fucking great teeth.
Oh, we got to go up to sweet, right?
That's how you bring in the new year. Well, I actually wrote a New Year's song for you guys this week. This is what I do for my listeners. All right. Here it is in the spirit.
Of New Year's, here it is. Happy New Year to you. Am I going to get sued? Happy New Year. I'm not making any money off this right to you. Happy New Year. Happy New Year. And.
Happy New Year to you, have yourself a happy new year, everybody, to you know what the great thing about a new year is as you just get to say, fuck the last year, right. And act like because the sun's going down and coming up and it's a brand new year that somehow you're a different person. Somehow you've learned something from last year without even having to apply yourself. That's that's big drunk talk. New Year's Eve. Dude, I'm so glad this fucking year is over.
This year, worst year ever fucking wife left me. My kids suck. I fucking cracked up my car the other day, right, fucking good riddance, dude, don't fuck this year, right? What? I love it. It's the year. It's not the decisions that douchebag was making for the last 365 days. Oh, it's not that. It's something about the year to this year. Just doesn't like me, you know, like you're breaking up with this year and 2013 is going to be different.
You know, you're going to drink just as much. You're going to hit on that chick at work. Right. Still going to smoke a whole fucking, I don't know, sandwich bag of weed every night. Helps me sleep, dude. Right. Keep telling yourself that like, you know. People, if you want to change your life, I'm sorry, what am I, a guru? I'm not. All right. There's a nice fuckin deep groove up to my neck of me doing the exact same shit for the last 44 fucking years.
Who the hell am I to preach? I'm just saying if somebody starts that shit with you tonight. I do. I'm so psyched this year over this was the worst fucking year like that, that that fucking philosophy that's the same philosophy is people who go see, there you go. Bad things come in threes. Bad things come in threes. No, they don't. Bad things happen, bad things happen every day. The problem is the reason why your math works out is every time you get to three, you just start back over and start saying, now, here's a new group of three.
You could say bad things happened in 17. You fucking wait long enough. Say, there you go. You know, that's number 17. Bad things happen to 17 moron's.
They're not smart like me. Yesterday. I actually played drums with a guitar player and a bass player, and I realized something is that's just a completely different ballgame and I suck. So fucking frustrating, you know, when you sit there playing drums by yourself for fucking ever, you know. And just sitting there thinking like, you know, you're trying out all this difficult shit. 60 year old triplets in fucking five, no groupings, that just doesn't work.
All it does is make the people around you turn around, look at you like, what the fuck are you doing?
And. Oh, God, it was frustrating. It was really frustrating and I've been playing a lot lately. I don't know, I actually played with one of the guys I played with was Marc Maron and Marc Maron can fucking play guitar. The guy was he was killing it was fucking killing it. So I got to step up my game. I thought I was the best instrumentalist podcast host.
And no, there will be no tapes or video of what you think. I'm an asshole. I don't get trashed enough on Twitter.
You know what happened to me on Twitter the other day? No, Bill, how would we know? What do you think? That's how we build our lives around watching your fucking Twitter account. All right, relax.
I was. You know, I'm not big on the social network networking things, I don't like it. I like talking to people, and I certainly don't like Twitter with this whole fuckin like. This sense of entitlement people have that I have to go on there and be funny, you know? This fucking chick gave me shit, I was sending links to a couple of funny videos that I saw, you know, and then I think I tweeted about the upcoming show, God forbid.
You know, I do something like that, and she wrote, I wish I fucking had it for me, she basically wrote. For the love of God writes something funny in the box hits, not write something in the box hit send. Don't forget to make it funny. Thank you. Right. And do I swear to God I wanted to find this fucking cunt and just choke her to death to the brink of death. OK, right before she was going to pass out and then ease up, let her get a nice fucking gulp of oxygen and then just blast her in the face.
And I know what you're thinking. That's violence against women. No, it isn't. It's violence against a woman, hypothetically. All right. So why don't you your group and your website stand the fuck down? That's what I wanted to do. I didn't do it. What are you going to get me for something I was thinking of doing like that Tom Cruise movie? Every time I see a Brinks truck and I see the fucking guy coming out of back with the two bags of money and that guy sitting there with his pistol, his little peashooter out of the holster, don't you always think that?
Well, I just punched him in the face, give the other guy a leg sweep and just grabbed those two bags. How fast can you run with two bags of money? You know, do you think they have a bank robber, Jim, and that's one of the things you do and they have some personal trainer. Each one of these bags. Well, it's twenty five point. You are going to ride with these bags up and down that hill, because when it comes to the day that you're going to rob a Braestrup, you got eight point five seconds to get back to that little car.
OK, if your leg starts cramping up, hey, hey, no talking. Your leg starts cramping up. You think the cops are going to give you a do over, they ain't going to be in a fucking prison cell? We saw triceps and a butt hole that won't quit. Everybody is to get it. You think that exists? Anyway, so I was. So what do I do? Usually I don't respond, but this woman. So fucking pissed me off with her chop chop, you work for me fuckin cunt hair attitude.
That I actually wrote back, I just wrote back, I think I wrote back, I quit your whining. All right, but somehow I erased her name, so I sent that out to everybody who follows me on Twitter. Quit your whining and then everybody starts trashing me, says the guy who makes his living whining. Right. And then everybody's trashing me. And I just said, I can't win for losing on this shit, you know? I'm not into this shit of getting heckled off hours.
You know, I stand on a stage. That's on me, I was dumb enough to go up there. And go, hey, everybody, look at me, you know, I don't give a fuck then, but this shit where I'm just sitting at home. You know, so many talks talking to me like that, you fuckin whether you know you know what? God help the fucking guy that ends up with that woman. Jesus Christ, what a fucking you know what I mean?
But I swear to God, that's how young people are right now. You know, they weren't raised right like me in my generation, we were raised right. We had to pay for our music.
You know, if you missed something on TV, you fucking missed it. And you had to stand there at the bus stop staring down at your stride rates as everybody talked about the Space 1999 episode that you fucking missed last night, feeling like an outsider, you know, not these fucking spoiled brats, they just grab their little smartphones and they just fucking look it up and they all watch it. Shaking their heads, L.O. Eling. And whatever the fuck it is they're doing.
So now here's this woman who doesn't fuck, like she talk, she's talking to me, talking to me like like she's paying me some sort of salary on Twitter, go fuck yourself.
Something funny strikes me, I will tweeted out. But I want to give you a link to some woman diving off a cliff. And knocking herself unconscious, I'll fucking do that. All right. Oh, Jesus. Dude, I'm so glad fucking 2012 is over. I had the worst year ever on Twitter. Anyway's. And to everybody who's listening to this right now and then is going to write the exact same thing on Twitter and think that that that's somehow original.
Just know that another 500 people already fucking did that, that's another fucking thing. You know. Now that you guys have a voice, the general public, and you can insert yourself into being possibly whatever. Seen by millions of people, why don't you try to be a little more creative after all your years of bitching about fuckin movies and saying, oh my God, how many times can they make that movie? You wouldn't fucking believe.
The amount of times I write something on Twitter and then like 30 people have the exact same clever angle. Laughing their fucking asses off while rolling on the floor, evidently. Oh, I'm in a mode. So anyway, let's get on with the podcast here. I barely watched any football yesterday.
I was too busy hacking away at a drum kit I played all right. It's one of those deals where I played fine and I sounded good, but I just thought I was so much fucking better. Jesus, wasn't that a nice fucking ice bucket of water to the to the ego? You know, it's really been bumming me out this whole fucking week, I hate when people throw out their Christmas trees like the day after Christmas or two days after Christmas, like, oh, thank God that's over.
It's like, what were you just going through the fucking motions? You know, I mean, you just can't wait. It's quite a fucking body isn't even cold yet, they throw out these trees, the trees are still green. You know what I mean, laying on the side of the road, that shocked look on their face like what I do, the contract said through the New Year. I don't know, going back to what I was talking about.
Last week about the NRA and get rid of guns and that type of thing, and like remember, I was saying that they should have some sort of, like, test to find out who the sociopaths are. That's kind of a red flag to me. When you saw your Christmas tree out there quickly, that means that you don't have any you know, you don't have any Christmas in your heart, you know.
You don't get that warm, fuzzy feeling around the holidays going, you know what, this is what's really important. You know, take a couple of weeks off from the fucking rat race, you don't. You're just sitting there with a sweater and a pipe in your mouth and your leg up on the coffee table laughing and laughing, when the other humans laugh, they start laughing. Then you. Oh, oh, right. Just going through the fucking motions.
You know, probably got bodies in your basement, nobody knows because the fire is fucking cracking and there's the Christmas tree and then the second it's fucking over, you close up shop.
I don't know, it's just it's it's fucking creepy to me. It's a combination of creepy and then I hate people don't dispose of their Christmas trees properly. All right, you dispose of it like a body, you cut that fucker up and you stick it in the green can. That's what you do. You don't just throw it out in the street. You know, just let society deal with it. That's right, I use the word society. I don't think this is ever going to go away overrated inhaling mold.
I actually have another scar that I still want to smoke, that's how fucked up this is. It's really bad. Oh, by the way, my dog this week got sick. I don't know what happened. She just started, like I'm telling you. If you were going to have a squirt gun fight with diarrhea like that didn't make sense with shit. I know, I don't like it. You couldn't even pick it up. It was fucking crazy, we woke up in the morning and shit, shit all over the living room.
Poor thing, she was whining in the night and I didn't hear it, you know. And. She was trying to let me know, like, dude, something bad's about to happen and I didn't hear it and fucking woke up the next day with like. Lake Erie of shit on the hardwood floors, right, so we take her out and she just has the shits for like two days, so we have to go bring her over to the vet.
And by the way, what's funny? She loves going to the vet. If you walk into my house, she will try and rip your head off, but if you if you're at the vet because we boarded there a couple of times, there's something about when she goes to a place where they she was taken care of, like she just loves you forever. And anybody who walks in, she loves them. She fucking loves everybody at the vet.
She's got like that old school, like blue collar loyalty. You know, anything, you name anything after what you did for me? No, seriously, seriously, dude, after what you did for me, OK, anything you fucking know, look at me. Anything you fucking need that survive when she's over there, anybody walks through that fucking door, OK? They're cool with you. They're cool with me. They're not cool.
You you just say the fucking word. That's her vibe. She turns in. She goes from this hellhound, she comes like she's literally dragging me into the vet, tail wagging comes in, she puts a paws up on the front desk, everybody. Cleo, how are you doing? Kisses for everybody. I don't know what have she if she could just fucking be that way when people came to my house would be the greatest thing ever. So many ways we fucking go over there.
And whatever, so now we got to we got to somehow make or eat this pill, what we do is we just grind it up and we just sprinkle it on our food. So she's eaten that stuff and.
You know the deal now I got to get some sort of fucking stool sample, so they give me this little thing like it, keep weed in those little medicine bottles. And I was the fuck, and sometimes it really just fucking grossed me out, I pick up the shit. In the shit bag there is Rappoport would say, and I just throw it in a barrel, it's no big fuckin deal, but there was just something about carrying that on, like I was keeping it, which is just fucking gross.
So the what kills me is I get the stool sample. Like fuckin two days ago, and this is just like, why did you do that? I'm like, I immediately got defensive because the fucking doctor said to.
Cynthia walking around with a vial of shit in my pocket, you're giving me a rough time about it. She goes, whether or not open until Monday.
I go, well, what the what do I do with this thing? So actually on my front porch, I've had a vial of shit underneath my rocking chair.
It's like the last two days, it's probably frozen solid. And I don't know what I'm going to do, you know, I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to have I'm going to just tell Neal to bring it over. That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to pass off the fucking responsibility.
You know, he also told me I need to start brushing your teeth. So I've been doing that an hour. If you ever try to brush your dog's teeth, it's the funniest thing. Like you'll laugh your ass off as it's happening unless you get frustrated easily, which I do, but not with animals. You know, you can't get frustrated with the dog. They're fucking hilarious. So the second you start brushing their teeth, their tongue, they just start going.
So the whole time you're trying to brush their teeth and they can't stop. It's like you ever give a dog peanut butter and they sit in their fucking. Whatever you call licking their chops for like the next 20 minutes, that's what she's doing and I'm laughing my ass off and I can't get a fucking front teeth because their stupid tongue keeps going, like in and out.
And then it becomes like, that's not a disgusting malled. I really should get checked out. If that's not what guys do, we don't get checked out. Something bad happens, you just you push through it. If you came up in athletics, you know, you just push through the fucking pay. That's why we die earlier. You know, I think my eyes are starting to go, am I going to go to the doctor and go look and get some glasses of funny's out of it, making fuckin fun of nerds all this year and then my karma is now.
I might need glasses. Can somebody please Photoshop some pictures of me with different glasses on? I just want to see what I'm going to look like, how bad the heckling is going to be. Because somebody said, well, why don't you just get contacts? I don't want to wear contacts, it's like having a toupee said that fucking thing stuck to your head. Underneath your heads, all sweaty and shit like I don't get people who wear fucking toupees.
Like, why would you? It's like having a hat on forever.
You know, I always wondered about people who have to pay, like at night, do they just take it off like, oh, just fucking they're fucking scratching their skull at the top of your head.
Smells like hockey stuff. I know. It's gross. This has been a gross podcast, but I'm just saying. I don't get the fuckin toupee at all, I don't get hair plugs because they look horrific, but they got this new way of doing it now with a vacuum, the hair out of the back of your head, and then they just paratroop it on to the top of your head. And that's the first thing I've ever considered. Where I've just been like, you know what?
When they do it that way, it looks natural, but then they sent me a video of the the actual procedure dude, and it's like right out of Silence of the Lambs. There's so much fucking. Blood, you wouldn't believe it. This is just been disgusting. This is just been shed blood violence against women and then there was a slight fuckin bestiality thing is I'm talking about my dog's tongue going in and out just the way I said that.
Whatever. Whatever, I'm just getting out all the bad stuff, so 2013, one of the three can be the best fucking year ever for all of us. You know, that felt very cultish. The fuck was I just talking about? The hell was I talking about? I can't even remember my brain just goes forward. It's it's gone, so there's nothing we could do what happened? They just they just whacked Tommy. Anyway, speaking of very cultish, I was I didn't watch any football yesterday, so.
You know, I don't really have anything to talk about, so I figured I would watch a little bit of news, so I went to the CNN one. I figured I'd do that one.
Next week, I watch the Fox News just to keep it fair and balanced, you know, and they got this hilarious thing for Anderson Cooper.
They go, Anderson Cooper is Keeping Them Honest.
I don't know what it means, and he's got this fucking look on his face. It's Keeping Who Honest. What does Anderson Cooper think he's doing with his little field trips over to like different parts of the world with his bulletproof vest on and his hair still perfect, kind of jealous of his fucking hair? I would take his full head of hair all white. I would take it. I would take that I would take just that and leave the sides, read, I do it.
I walk on stage looking like Jay Leno. Fuck Steve Martin, right? No way. They both have gray hair.
Let's see you do the fucking math anyways. The fuck am I talking about here? Did I lose this? Oh, yeah, so Anderson Cooper's Keeping Them Honest, right? You got to watch. I got to send you the link to the fucking look on his goddamn face like he really believes he's keeping people honest. Who is he? Keep an honest. Like he's invested, let's say, invest in a major corporation. Do they go, oh, fuck.
Anderson Cooper's hair may not know how tall the guy is, he looks like one of those five foot eight guys with small hands doesn't look like that. You know, five, eight little small hands, so, you know, to make up for it, God gives him a perfect head of hair, you know, had I been two inches smaller, you know? With the hands I had in sixth grade, he would have let me keep my hair.
He would have he would have let me do it. That's how it works. It's in the fine print of having a soul. So anyways, they got Anderson Cooper there, right. And he evidently he's keeping Keeping Them Honest. That's about as vague as you can get. Help them. Keeping Them Honest, don't lie to me. That's like when. What the fuck was it there, five hour energy had the little pink bottles and then they said a portion of the proceeds goes to fight breast cancer.
Well, what percentage we don't deal in percentages portion. Cutting a little slice. So anyway, so I'm watching this shit on the FLDS Church. I have no idea what it is. It's yet another group of people who had the audacity to start their own church.
And have somebody that they listen to blindly, you know, and evidently they were predicting that the end of the world was coming. And so they had their own grocery store in the center of town, this little small town. And they don't they fucking close, they closed the grocery store down. And then the authorities are going the report is going to the authorities, the authorities going. Is this a bad sign? Do you think this is a bad sign?
The guy's like, yes, we definitely think this is a bad sign. We feel like it's suggesting that they feel the world is ending. So there's no need to buy groceries anymore.
Sorry about the cough and gas. First of all. On two levels, that is fucking annoying. First of all, that you could be dumb enough to follow another fuckin human being. Who's basically doing the ultimate dude, I called it. Basically predicting not, you know. Like what I'll predict that the Broncos. And. I was going to say the Green Bay Packers, but Jersey was like, what about Seattle's defense? But I don't like their quarterback, so I'm going to say the fucking Green Bay Packers will somehow be able to score enough fucking points against that amazing Seattle defense.
And it's the revenge factor because fuck the Seattle Seahawks and Pete Carroll.
And he's not doing Ric Flair. I just did Ric Flair, Pete Carroll's When They Score, a touchdown goes. It's really long, it's horrific. So because they have one more victory in the ledger than they actually deserve, I'm saying Green Bay goes in there, whether it's in Seattle and they're artificially loud stadium. You know, with the 12th man. The douchiness thing in football. The 12th man, they need us, you know, they do everything but give their fans pompoms anyways.
Great fuckin defense, so fucking great defense, by the way, that they made the 49ers with that second year quarterback look like the 49ers with the second year quarterback, unlike the Patriots defense. That's the score, 31 points, and I still fucking bummed about that. Yes, I am, although I saw some shit yesterday with our pass rush, you know that maybe we're seeing the future that would really help out a coolness.
So that's what I call. So, anyway, back to this fucking church. So you dumb enough as an adult to follow another fucking person that says they know what's going to happen? But then what was bugging me, too, was this reporter, he's walking around, nobody wants to talk to him and he's sitting there harassing him and he's like, the ladies were polite. You know, unlike the men, and it's like, no, you're sexually attracted to females, so you're coming at them with the different vibe you came at, the guy's like a cunt.
And then also with guys, there's always like that, hey, I'm going to punch you in the face vibe. This guy sitting there talking about the difference between men and women, like an 80s comic or something. Wait, did I just do it, too, before I trashed him for doing it? I don't fucking know. But this is the thing.
They're sitting there going like, you know, watching what's going on with this church. And I guess their leader is already in jail. I don't know what he did. I have no fucking idea. But I got a. Big sense that a lot of it had that he had the audacity to start his own fucking church, eventually you just going to end in jail or they're going to burn you down and then they go. It brings up conjures up images of Jim Jones and David Koresh.
That's what I love about these things.
Why don't they ever bring up mainstream religion to. Like my religion, you know, all the murder and crap and fucking child molestation and all the shit that, like my religion is horrific. The Inquisition's. Getting in bed with the Nazis, I mean, just write down, if you go right down the most Judas moments in history, there's going to be a rep from my church sitting right there with his little red hat on, or maybe the big white one.
The big steeple hat. I don't understand why they just don't leave these fucking people alone, just leave them alone, if people want to start a fucking church, let them start a church and if they want to think some regular guy is Jesus, let them. And if he tells them all to go drink a bunch of poison, let them. What what what are you saving? You know what I mean? You know you know, something like our compassion in the long run is going to kill us.
All right, we're fucking overpopulated. All right, and because we're so good at medicine, the fuckin weak survive if you're fucking dumb enough to drink a fucking glass, a ripple or whatever the fuck you're drinking. What? Because some guy told you that there's a spaceship coming. If you fucking dumb enough to do that, you shouldn't be here. Let's say that I don't have a right to say you shouldn't be here, but like, it's it's good for the herd.
That you exit as soon as possible. That's how I look at it, you know. Polar ice caps are melting. Everything is made out of corn now, would it really be that bad if a bunch of fucking people who are dressed like Quakers following a guy who says he's the Messiah, if he tells you to fucking kill yourself, if they just killed themselves when they like you go in and then you save those people and then where do they go?
What all of a sudden they're smart? Do you send them through some sort of don't believe another human being the next time they say they're Jesus class, they don't they just go in and save them. And then they just let them out again to go out and do the same shit all over again, I've just let it's like bankers. You act like you're fucking outraged, and then what do you do? You get in the fucking houses back, none of them go to jail, they get the houses back again to do the same bullshit all over again.
So you know what it is? People without reading, without even being remotely intelligent. I have the whole world figured out. You got to as much as I've been preaching on this podcast.
I do realize. I'm going to cop myself, I'm going to compliment myself for realizing that I'm a douche. Jesus Christ, what's with my ego today?
You know it is I need a boost after embarrassing myself for just not playing well yesterday on drums. Like literally like in my head, I was to the point that if I ever win, like if I ever got called. To do a fuckin Drummond gig that I could actually pull it off like that's where my fucking ego was. I don't know. Anyway, let's get on with the advertising for this week, everybody. We got some quickies here over the holidays, Amazon.com, everybody.
If you'd like to support this podcast, I got to do is go to Bellbird Dotcom, click on the podcast page, and then there's a link over to the right for Amazon. Click on that brings you right to Amazon. Everything's the exact same price. But if you buy something after you go through my website, percentage of the proceeds, they kicked me something. Right. And then I fucking kick a portion of that to for the Wounded Warriors Project.
It's been a great thing and I want to thank everybody for doing it this entire year and last year it's been awesome. And. The one other one of the fucking worst, I never know, Amazon.com was a one other one. I think a. Was there one? It's the holidays. What are you going to do anyways? Let's plow ahead here.
What else did I want to talk about? Oh, I actually I got a feeling that. Now that the Broncos. Have home field advantage, do that looking like they could possibly do it. You know, I was hoping the Giants were going to make the the playoffs because. I had this this football fantasy, not fantasy football, it's a football fantasy. All right, so don't get a fucking twisted. I had this football fantasy that the Patriots somehow, with their defense, win the championship this year and Brady beats both Manning brothers.
He beats Paten like he always does, and then he beats fuckin e-Life for the first time, even though he fuckin should have beat him last year, you fucking motherfucker. Sorry.
But the Giants didn't make the playoffs. So what are you going to fucking do? You know, what do you do? But I don't. I don't know, I like the Gronk is back, but I don't like ah, I just don't like our fucking defense, you know, I still think we're at least a year or two away. I've said it every fucking week. And, you know, when you play that fucking game, we're going to score 35 points before you do.
It just doesn't work in January. There you go. I've said my piece. And speaking of Boston sports.
I'm really getting into the Celtics now. This is how much I like punishment, like what is there tapering down, is there spiraling down? I actually. You know what it is, I like the building of the castle, not standing back, looking at it. Like, I like watching the Celtics right now because I like trying to figure out what their problem is. And as far as I can tell, we have absolutely no defensive presence. Nobody's afraid to go to the rack, we got nobody, you know, Garnette has fought enough wars for the love of God.
Can you get the guy some help? We got absolutely spanked. Buy the fucking Clippers the other night, I watched that whole goddamn game. I know a lot of people shut it off or whatever, but I'm really glad I didn't go to that game because that would have been really annoying. To listen to all those L.A. fans fucking trash the Celtics, and I would know that. Well, I can't say that they're right, because they would just be going, you know, Celltex are bitches and that's they wouldn't be like breaking down the game, but that's not what they do out here.
They just say, your bitches, and then, you know, I don't know what three people stomp on a father with this with his two kids there. That's what that's what elephants do. So they do. But for some reason, Philly fans keep getting respect like they're the craziest people ever anyways. But like, I was just watching that game and. Our record at that point, I became like 14 and 14 and I was like, that is the exact record that we should be because we are a middle of the pack team and.
I don't know. Went up to Golden State, last I saw, I was I was working that night and we were down by like 17. It's a rough road trip for us, but I'm going to enjoy watching us try and put it back together and Danny Ainge did at one time, I'm hoping he can do it again.
And. It's going to be fucking brutal, but as long as the you know. As long as the Lakers don't win it, I think I'm good. I think I'm good, I'm actually slowly becoming a Knicks fan because they're on TV all the fucking time so that J.R. Smith watch the replay of that game, hit those two ridiculous shots, one to win it. I can't remember who the fuck they beat because I'm so not an NBA fan. But next, can't beat the Bulls on.
So far they are. I'm in way over my head, I'm just starting to watch it because evidently there's really no fucking hockey this year. You know, I got this great tradition out every year when the Bruins come to town and they play the Kings, they go there with a bunch of buddies in mind. We just have a great time. And in L.A., King fans are cool. They're great fans.
They're not dicks or whatever, you know, and I don't go there wearing all my Boston shit, just trying to be an obnoxious ass. They cheer on the Bruins or whatever, but I'm not a cunt. I would go there and congratulate the Kings fans on their championship because, you know, they're good people.
I don't have a problem with them. So anyway, so let's get on with some. Some fuckin questions for the week here, Bill Fenlon, get your show to Fenlon, ASEP could use some laughs here in this freezing country. Sincerely, all the Finns. You know what, sir?
Normally, I would trash you for acting as though you speak for your entire country, but the fact that you're inviting me, saying that everybody there wants to go, I'll take that. I'll take that nice fucking blow to the ego in a good way.
I'm actually I came up with a great idea. For how I'm going to tour that part of the world next year and I'm going to run it by my agent. On the literally on the second I got a great idea of great promotional way that I'm going to try and fucking do that and. I definitely want to come over there again, without a fucking doubt. Because I went to Anderson Cooper, who was keeping everybody honest, and I realized why I don't fucking watch the news.
It was just it's. What do we got here? Here's some sort of the top fuckin stories, but bus skids down embankment kills nine. So I put that on and it was a bunch of people on a bus coming back from Las Vegas going all the way up to Vancouver. You know what I mean, and that's one of those things right there. Well, I just it just makes you not believe in a god. You know, or maybe God was like, they've had enough, but it's like, isn't it enough?
That, you know, you're obviously mean what the fuck kind of money you make and if you've got to take a bus from Vancouver all the way down to fuckin Vegas.
Right. He didn't win enough money to buy a fucking ticket to fly back, you get back on the goddamn bus just sitting there. Hundred bottles of beer in the laundry, bottles of beer going all the way fucking back with maybe a bucket full of quarters that you wanted some slots. Isn't that enough? You got to slide down a fucking embankment, and that's the thing that killed nine people, they don't talk about all the other people probably had injuries that, you know, life long going to be nagging them.
It's just brutal. They had that.
They had the guy who said he's Jesus. Dying mom's YouTube goodbye. Right, I didn't even watch that one. Five year old finds porn on Christmas gift. Dad delivers breech baby on side of road they go, they always give you one to fuckin, you know, for every ten horrific ones. Listen to pilot explain stuck in the mud, I had to watch that one, some Southwest pilot. Was taxiing to go on the go take off, and he just fucking drove off the runway.
And now the FAA is going to investigate what happened. Isn't it obvious what happened? He was texting. You know who hasn't done that? He was texting. It's too early in the flight to talk your way into a fuckin handjob, you know, that's the only other thing that could be distracting you to that point. How does that happen? You playing patty cake with the fucking co-pilot? I want to hear that blackbox. I bet the engineer does this, still three people up there when I was a kid, there was there was one guy back there would just turn some knobs.
The other guys just sat there with their mustaches waiting to take off. Did that other guy who turns the knobs as they're sitting there playing, you know. Eddie and Johnny sit near the tree when they were fucking doing that shit, is that a patty cake song? I don't know. That's got to be on the black box, whatever song they were singing, whatever the fuck they were talking about, and then the guy in the background, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, and then they go into the mud.
Well, maybe it was the guy who sits behind. Guys, guys, here's my impression. This is fucking Michael Jackson needs and they're turning around, looking at it.
Is there anything more pathetic than the wheels on a plane? You know, I mean, you ever see, like when somebody buys, like a fucking brand new pickup, but they get the most the bare bones version and they basically have like the Perseus looking tires, you can't even fill up the wheel well. You literally can see that the coils and the side of the engine, the tires.
So fucking small. There's nothing more like that then than the wheels on a plane. They're just sad and pathetic, and I always wondered why they didn't get bigger rims. Oh, wait a minute, am I talking about our soul plane right now? You know what, I think they had that right, you know what, some nerds actually probably going it right. Actually, the weight of the rooms would actually affect the vector. Is that the right word?
All right, let's get back to here, Finland, I'm definitely coming over there. Hopefully in the next year, my calendar is filling up. I'm just waiting for the links. So I can tell you guys where I'm coming, I guess it wouldn't harm if I could tell you guys what cities I'm going to. Would you like a teaser? Here's the deal, I can tell you something that I'm definitely going to be at right now. All right.
I'm going to be at Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank, California, on January 10th. I'm going to be at the Republic in Hawaii, Honolulu, Hawaii, on January 26, I'm going to be at the Wilbur Theatre in Boston, Massachusetts, February 21st and 22nd. I can't give you dates here, but just to perk your ears up in case you hear your city. This is like school cancellations and back in the day when you're waiting to hear your town.
And for all of you, all of you who don't live in an in a state or a part of the world where where school would get canceled because of snow, we used to listen to it on the radio. Right. Or watch the news or something like that. And it would be like the following. Schools have been canceled due to whatever snowfall. And it would be like Winthrop North Redding, Redding. You just be sitting there, Fall River, just waiting for your you know, and then they get to whatever whatever your town began with, whatever letter and you just fuckin sit in.
There was the greatest thing ever. No school because it's snow. You didn't have to fake sick or anything.
So anyways, here we go. Here's a list of cities so far. They're going to be starting in March. I don't I can't give you I guess I can give you dates. March 7th through the 9th, I'll be in Madison, Wisconsin, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and Grand Rapids, Michigan. March 22nd, twenty third, I'll be in Indianapolis and then Minneapolis. In April, I'll be in Atlanta, Tallahassee, Miami Beach, Austin, Texas, Dallas and Kansas City, having been there forever.
And in May, I'll be in Las Vegas at the Mirage.
Red Bank, New Jersey, Baltimore, Maryland. Eastern, wherever the fuck that is, Atlantic City, is that all, Jersey, I'll be in Chicago in June. Also in Pittsburgh. I'm going to be a bunch of places, Hyannis, Hampton, Newport. This is July Montreal. Foxwoods in August. In November, Filey. New York City and Washington, D.C.. If your city was not called, then you have school and that's it so far.
So somewhere in there I'm going to fucking slam a European trip in there and now it's all going to be good. But back to the podcast, everybody. Sorry. I feel like the funny Hazam are coming here for a few minutes. Let me see if I can get back to it.
All right. Self-deprecating Bill. Hey, Bill. I can't keep from hating myself. I have, like, obsessive self-hatred. And no matter what I accomplish, some dark part of my brain is always going to shit on it. You'd think some insecurity would help push me to better myself, but this is too such to such a severe degree, I can hardly function because of the resulting anxiety and stress. I have a feeling you can relate to an amount of this.
Yeah, it really went out on a limb there, especially since you're also a musician and shit on your playing ability as much as I do mine. And I was hoping you could offer some advice in how you try to remain positive. If you fucking even do. Thanks, merry Christmas. All right, merry Christmas. Hope you had a good Christmas.
Well, you've actually. I think you've you've. You've gone over the toughest hurdle, so one of one of the hardest hurdles, the first one is actually addressing. That, you know, that you do that. One of the hardest things to do is to stand outside yourself and sort of watch your thoughts and watch how your brain is functioning rather than just thinking a thought, taking it as law, and then letting your body go into a state of anxiety and stress and all the stuff that you're talking about.
What I try to do. To try to stave off those demons, as I just try to. Just analyze my thought process when I'm starting to think negative and everything, I just kind of just almost take like a time out. And just literally be like, OK. Now, if I actually. I take that that thought as law, like, how is that going to make me feel and how is that going to help me? This day, whatever this day is, December 31st, 2012 is only going to happen once.
Is it going to be another one in the shit column? Or I can make it positive and then I just try and, I don't know, go to the gym. Go play drums, do something fuckin positive, try a new joke or something like that, but what I try not to do is fuckin. I don't know, just let that thought grab me by the neck and just pull me down to the bottom of the lagoon, it's really like a choice unless you have, I guess, some sort of clinical depression where it's a little like a chemical, at which point I'm in way over my head and you should go see a doctor.
So I would.
I don't know. Did your parents suck? Were they assholes, were they always shitting on everything you did or maybe they loved you, but like they had if they had a fearful way of looking at the world and they always came up with something negative, maybe it's something like that. But at some point you got to you kind of got to turn the bus around.
I mean, that would just be my advice, that's kind of how kind of how it works for me, but. I don't know, I feel like in the middle of the night, I have my most negative thoughts and I'm just fucking tossing and turning or father. And. Nia told me last night, said, Are you OK? She woke me up because you're OK, and I said, Yeah, why? She goes, You are moaning and moaning.
Like moaning to me is like like sexual and she's like, no, not like that, like you were in pain. So I don't know, but then when I wake up. I always I don't know, I I'm always in a positive move when I wake up, you know, because I wake up next to my girl, I see her and then I see my dog. My dog wants to go out. And so I start off in a real positive thing.
But there's something at night. My demons come out at night. I don't know what it is. I have, like, fucked up dreams. I always have dreams. Where I'm beating the shit out of the person, but I can't fucking get them to, like, just stay down. They just keep getting up or I'm throwing punches really fucking slow and they have a knife and they're going to try and kill me, but they can't they can't quite kill me and I can't quite knock them out.
I don't know and I don't know what any of that fucking means, and I went to therapy and all that shit, and after a while I just, you know, I was just like, you know, you can't change shit.
Well, I'm just wasting my money here. Jesus, that was brutal. All right, Bill, I hope that helps you a little bit. I would read books about positive thought. I'd go to therapy. I would I would literally attack your depression like you had it. Like somebody who has a weight problem, starts going on a treadmill and starts eating. Right. I would literally, rather than just sitting there feeling the hopelessness of it, I go on the attack and.
I really hope you turn it around because life doesn't give a fuck. It sucks like it doesn't care if you have a bad life, it's it's all on you. You got to come up with the game plan and that can be overwhelming. But like, just, you know, the whole fucking cliched one day at a time. But life doesn't give a fuck if you don't get the girl. It doesn't give a fuck if you become homeless. It's not.
You know, that whole guardian angel horseshit that this little Tinkerbelle on your shoulder trying to guide you, it's bullshit. It's it's on you. I know that that can be overwhelming, but it's it's a powerful way of looking at your life. Like you have the control to make it go to bed, you know, and I'll be selling my books on tape. Dental assistant Billiam I recently I recently watched a talk show appearance you posted on your Twitter.
You mentioned. Yeah. The the Willy Hunter show. And I think that that's what I posted when that fucking twat that I'd like to choke to death with a garden hose sent me that tweet. Yeah, I was on the Billy Hunter show and he said, you mentioned you were a dental assistant. For your father, did you ever consider becoming a dentist? Did you ever did your father ever have ambitions for you to become anything in particular?
No, my dad my parents were great like they they wanted you to be. They didn't force anything on you. It was like whatever you wanted to do. They they supported it 100 percent, and I remember being working with my dad in the dental office when I told him that I was going to become a comedian. We were in like the break room.
And I remember I was sitting there, like, going like, how is this guy going to take this? When he has such a classic. Like stable job here. You know that I'm going to tell them that I'm going to fucking. Basically make a living. Try to make a living doing. Exactly what he's been yelling at me for for the last fuckin 20 years of my life, which was fucking off and acting like an idiot and screwing around all the shit that.
You know, when he would give me a Kraisak, a box in a time when he would be giving me shit. Which I totally deserve, because if you ever saw the grades I got in school, I mean, they they they are they are horrific, fucking horrific. The high water mark for me was like a C minus or a C like I was. It was brutal. I I had to go to summer school every fucking year of high school except my sophomore year.
Because my math teacher hooked me up in my senior year, I should have gone, I just didn't give a fuck. I was like, what's the point? You know what I mean? That's like, you got the ball with 10 seconds left in.
What are you going to do? You just fucking you know, you're down by 30. Yeah, just throw up a half court shot. Did it go in? Who gives a fuck? It doesn't matter, you know. So, no, I mean, for half a second, you know, you know what I did like I like the I like the pouring up models. When I was in when I was in the dental office, that was my favorite thing, I was in the back, I was isolated, I wasn't around anybody, and it tapped into that little kid thing, a playing in mud.
And he used to pour up the models and they had this vibrating thing and you had to tap on it to make sure you got all the bubbles out. And I prided myself. I'm not being able, you know, of having it without no having no bumps, we got bubbles. If there was bubbles on the bottom, basically, you know, when they stick that pink shit in your mouth, they got to take an impression of your teeth. Then somebody's got to take that out of your mouth going in the back room and then you got it.
You got to mix this powder with water up in the little green rubber balls.
Jesus, this is all coming back to me. And then you pour it into the fucking. Impression you took and then there was this this thing that sounded exactly like your cell phone vibrating on a table. And you just you just tapped in on that to get all the air bubbles out of it.
And if you didn't do it enough after one of the things set and you took it out, if the bubbles were at the bottom, that's where the teeth were the most crucial thing of the exact fucking thing they're trying to get a gauge on so they can, you know, whatever the hell they were trying to do, make a bridge or something, the whole thing would be fucked.
And then you couldn't go. And just report the model into that same mold, because somehow, like it had shrunk up a little bit, it wouldn't be accurate. And my dad used to flip out.
He would he would take him off like Christchurch's air bubbles in this, you know, and it was beyond your boss yelling at you. It was also my dad. So I already had you know, I was going through my fucking teenage and early 20s when you're rebelling the most against you. I already had to live with the guy. And then I was working with the most fucking hilarious, and he used to give me shit. Like, you know, like I was his kid, but we really had we actually talked about how we had to tone that shit down because it didn't come off as professional in front of patients or whatever.
But but that was the part I thought if I ever got into dentistry that I would I would work in the lab. I like that part of it. Like and not just porn up the models, like the actual. I know there was a precision to it that I liked, I didn't like to I didn't like the the front line shit going in the mouth with all that crap and looking at people's fucking horrific teeth, just horrible fucking teeth.
All my jokes were about that shit when I first started. I told you guys that story right? I used to work totally clean when I first started stand up and not because I wanted to be this comedy purist, I just was afraid of offending somebody in the crowd, getting heckled, not having a comeback, losing my place in my act and then bombing horrifically. And just having my career and total fear, catastrophizing like way of looking at it and.
Yeah, Jesus Christ. That really just fucking brought me back. I was standing on stage at stiches, fucking somebody heckled me, was at the vault in Boston, somebody had called me and I completely lost my fucking train of thought. And I had nothing, and it took me like basically three seconds to to try to remember what the fuck I was talking about, and it was the longest three seconds in my life. And I didn't know enough to just say to the crowd, like, what the fuck was I talking about?
Because they'll tell you. They'll remember they're not nervous. They're listening. They're not having like this out of body experience.
But anyways, I remember people would come into the dental office and their teeth would just be just. Just an absolute fuckin mess. And right now, I hate coming to the dentist, and it's like, yeah, dude, I can smell it. You don't have to smile. I can tell you don't like going to the dentist, like fuckin brushing your teeth. Well, this one guy said this one of the first jokes I did. Oh, that's right.
So I would work totally fucking clean. And then my last at my and you just you know, when I look like a young Ron Howard, I look like Richie Cunningham. And I was totally clean and I was clever.
And I had these perfect talk show monologue jokes and everyone was going like, oh, dude, you're going to do The Tonight Show and this is going to be perfect and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then the last joke in my act.
I quoted this patient who kept having to get fillings and root canals, and he said, you know, I don't understand what's going on. I mean, I brush my teeth almost every day and then my my snappy comeback to that that I thought of that later became the last joke in my act. I said, really? Do you wipe your ass almost every time you take a shit? And that's what I would close with.
After working totally clean, I would say that disgusting lie. Do you wipe your ass almost every time you take a shit having everybody in the crowd after looking at this fucking Norman Rockwell come to life fuckin character.
Wholesome, his health, right? And I really was back at. As opposed to the piece of shit that I am now after 20 years on the road that I became. And I literally they had to conjure up pictures of somebody skipping, wiping their ass and just that whole and they would just literally recoil. Then I would just be like, you know, thanks a lot. Good night, everybody. You were great.
And. I had another horrible one that I did where I actually brought a prop on stage, and if you'd like to see that, I tell the story on the Willy Hunter show. And Will is an up and coming comic at the Comedy Store, and he's the guy who threw the hula hoop, took the hula hoop from that girl and fucking threw it into the street.
I tell that story, too. If you want to see that shit, check out his show. I tweeted about it anyway. So let's plow ahead here, winding down here in the podcast. First question, Bill. So, I mean, this kid decided that we would have a little boxing match, that's funny how quickly before that went from the parameters that you guys said, all right, no real hit in here, just kind of body shots how quickly before it turned into just complete anger.
Anyways, he said he didn't know that I hated him.
Oh, dude, you're evil. You're a fuckin evil dude, so, I mean, this kid decided that we'd have a little boxing match. He didn't know that I hated him.
Fuck you, dude. You wanted to beat the shit out of this kid. You talked him into it.
Just the fact that you said a little boxing match and you're trying to, like, tone down you and this kid decided that you would have a boxing match, a little boxing match.
He didn't know that I hated him.
So I was determined to rock his fucking dom. But we start fighting and he's kicking the shit out of me. That's hilarious. He goes, I finally hit him right in his temple and his fat ass gets knocked the fuck out.
About a week later, he found out that he broke his hand on my face, so he tells all the bitches that he actually won because he broke. Because he broke his hand and couldn't punch that hard after he broke it. Does that sound like bullshit to you? I'm. And it kind of seems like you guys, all you both got what you deserved. You fucking hated him, so you wanted to fight him. Evidently, he's a douche.
So he got knocked out and his hand got broken, he fucked you up a little bit and then. Now he's walking around bragging about it, but, yeah, it is bullshit, it is bullshit, you won that fight, you knocked him out. You took what?
You took his fuckin punches, you know, and then.
I just feel like I was being an asshole there, you weren't asking me if either one of you guys was the bigger cunt, you're just asking who won the fight. You definitely won the fight. He definitely won the fight. And he's fat, so you win it on two different levels, so you're as far as I see you, when you got to belts, you got the the fighting of the boxing belt and you got the in better shape than you.
So congratulations. You know what you could do, you could fight him again, although you would be risking losing because it sounded like he was getting the best deal in the beginning, but.
You know. Why don't you guys do that, why don't you have your fucking your trilogy, maybe he wins the next one, then you have the rubber match and then you put it on local cable access pay per view. Right, you you charge a little bit of money, no, you charge tickets. This is what you do. You got to become friends with that fat douche, all right, and you do just what boxes do you pretend, you know, like you have this animosity, like you don't have this deal like this?
Not a big fucking. I mean, you really do have the animosity, but but there's a bunch of money at stake, so you talk a bunch of fucking shit. So more people show up to the next one. All right, and you take a dive in the next one, you let the fat fuck beat you. So now. Everybody's choosing and you say that he cheated and you say, fuck you, and then you say I beat you the first time and he says, fuck you, I broke my hand.
I could have won. You build up to all this big fucking hissy fit. Then you have the rubber match and all you guys know that this one's real and you charge everybody a dollar, you fucking have it at the local rec place. Do you guys even have rec rooms anymore? You're too busy on your fucking smartphones playing video games. Is there is there a place where you hang out? Then you got that kid in your grade who already has a mustache.
He buys booze for everybody, right? You charge money for the booze, maybe that's what you do, samarium. You make a little bit of money out of it and then out for the rest of time. When you go back to your high school reunion, it's going to be this awesome thing that you did, this fucking entertainment. You know, you might be slurring a little bit, but I think that would be great to have your own fucking Thrilla in Manila.
It's my two cents. All right, here we go, hire a ref, maybe one of your friends works at athlete's foot. So you already has the fucking shirt, you know. So you're saying there's a whole wonderful world out there of entertainment, if you guys get your faces out of your smartphone, go back to do what we did when we were kids, you didn't virtually punch something in the head.
You did it for real. You know, I got to go to a doctor.
I can't even laugh without coughing anymore. I sound like a fucking miner. All right. Soon to be brother in law douche.
OK, here's the situation. My wife has an older sister and she's been dating the same guy for nearly 20 years now. I was literally thinking about something else. I don't even know what I just said, I got to reread this. OK, here's the situation. My wife. As an older sister and she's been dating the same guy for nearly 20 years. All right, my wife has only eight was only eight years old when this guy started to come around the house, so naturally she becomes close to him because she was always she was always hanging around her sister.
And this is over for the next few years. OK, I get it. Let's jump ahead now to where I come into the picture. When I start dating my wife, we hung out with her sister and her fiancee at the time a bunch of times. But this guy is a know it all and a materialistic prick.
So I quickly knew mean this guy would never hang out other than at family functions and get togethers, which is totally fine.
That's totally fine, you got a good head on your shoulders. That's exactly it. All I got to do is smile and wave with some eggnog in my hand once a fucking year, maybe at a birthday or maybe a cookout. And then that's it. And I suggest not getting drunk. At those events, because your real thoughts will probably come out, at least in the car ride home when you're sitting there, I can drive, I can drive, and then it's going to be all of that shit, whatever.
I didn't want to go anyways because he's a fucking taking that whole thing anyway. Here we go. After a few years of dating, we buy a house and are about to get married. OK, Bill, sorry for the boring shit so far, but here's here's where the story starts. Now comes a time where you have to pick people to be in your wedding party. I have three brothers and three real three real close friends that I would consider brothers, and I could only pick five because that's the number that we had that we came to make things even out.
We are not rich, so we couldn't afford a giant wedding, so it's pretty obvious that I have all the slots filled and still have one close person left out where here comes the part where the douchebag sister's boyfriend. Yeah, boyfriends, because they called off the wedding four years ago and got back together just recently, engaged again this Christmas. She makes a giant stink about not being. Oh he makes a giant what. This is the guy who makes a giant stink about not being asked to be the best man.
Yeah, I said the best man. Yeah, this guy's a dick. This fucking cunt really expects me to to put him as my best man at my wedding. I've never been hung out with this morning in like four years. And like I've mentioned, these spots were already filled with friends being left out anyways. Oh, other people feel like they're being left out anyway. Well, his side of the story is that he treated my wife like a sister, even better than his own sister, and he felt that my wife should have included him into the wedding party.
Now, to be fair to my wife. Dude, I don't need to read the rest of this fucking goes on forever, by the way. It's like another to listen. It's your wedding. Out of a courtesy to you, I guess I got to read some of this. I think this has to be a reason why this was sent to me and it's this fucking long, do you guys want to hear the rest of it? Come on.
You probably have still you want to hear the rest of this if you don't click off, I don't give a fuck.
What they had was a. Not to be fair to my wife, she did tell me what he wanted her to do and she knew it wasn't going to happen, so obviously he was not going to be in the wedding party. Instead, we asked for him to be an usher. That's hilarious. Yeah. Stand in the back of the church, stupid, whatever the fuck you call it when you're that guy that helps the old ladies to their seats and whatnot.
Dude, I think that's even funnier than not having a minute. And so anyways, well, not only did he decline, he also refused to go to the wedding entirely. What a fucking bitch. You know what, he's got that Kobe gene, unless you score 30, he doesn't want to be a part of it. Go fuck yourself. Anyways, I didn't give a fuck because the guy is to a conversation with a smelly yogurt gushing, OK.
All right. I didn't want I didn't want anyone in my family or any of my friends to ever know this guy exists. OK, so basically you're like, awesome wedding. And I won't get into all the stupid shit this guy did over the next year. But he started a bunch of bullshit in the family, including two particular phone calls to my wife, in which he spent two hours screaming and belittling my wife about him not being in the wedding goes crazy, mixed with a whole lot of other.
Held in frustration. This guy had, if you ever wonder, wondering what my wife's sister does about all this, the answer is nothing. She's a jellyfish standing idly by, her man, sad motherfuckers. But anyways, I was planning on never seeing this asshole again, except maybe at the inevitable funeral or something like that. So, well, he just popped the question again to the jellyfish there. Yeah, he probably asked her to get married just so he could not invite you.
He goes now, this is the ball flicker of this email, people, I'm in the last paragraph, by the way. The word is, he's going to ask me to be his best man. Oh, he went the other way. Oh, my God, dude, you realize this psycho is probably getting married to this woman he doesn't even love. He asked he oh, my God, this guy is a fucking sociopath. Wow. Wow.
Just to rub it in my wife's face, like he's the better person, some shit to turn him down. Just you got to clear the fucking air, be like, dude, I don't you're not my best man because I don't like you anyway. He goes, it's bad enough that I want to decapitate this dude already for the shit he said to my wife, but how the fuck am I going to handle it? When he asked me to be his best man, obviously I'm not going to do it.
But I'm just wondering how you would tell him to fuck himself in such a way that that it will bother him deep in his brain. To the point where he can't sleep at night because of how badly he was punched, this guy thinks his shit don't stink already. So it's not as simple as, no, I won't be your best man and go fuck yourself, he would win in my eyes if that happened. I need some heavy duty ammo for this fucking flaming narcissist.
All right. This guy is drawing you in to a trap.
All right. He's drawn you into a trap. Have you ever told your wife to be that you don't like the guy? Just say, listen, I respect the fact that what he is to you, but I just don't get along with the guy, OK? And it's in it's your wedding. You have the right to pick the best man. And the fact that this guy throws a fucking hissy fit, that he's not the best man. Is beyond psychotic.
It's beyond psychotic behavior. OK, and and just tell your wife that the reason why you're declining to be his best man is because you feel that it's not coming from the heart.
He's actually using a major portion of his wedding. As a way to try to get even like tit for tat and try to make you look like a bad guy, do this guy is just a complete psycho. All right, you love this girl, you want to get married to her, you guys have the right to pick who you want to pick and everybody should honor that.
And the fact that this guy not only cannot handle it, he's been calling up and screaming.
Ate at your wife rather than you, rather than being a man. I would just ask the guy to go out and have a drink. And just sit the guy down and just say, listen, you've been screaming at my wife for the last year. OK, that alone, I don't want to be your best man. I don't want to be your best man. Because you yell at my wife. That's why.
For me to be your best man would then be like me saying it's OK for you to yell at my wife, OK, you shouldn't ask me to be your best man, which you should have done as you should be a man and go apologize to my wife.
I would I would go some route like that, but. The worst thing that you can do is get drawn into this thing where now you're trying to come at this guy like, oh, he's going to try and get me. I'm going to try and get him. This guy is going to win. Because he's drawn you into this fucking trench case out of his fucking mind. You guys have a wedding, you picked your best man, he couldn't handle it, he screamed at your wife, that didn't work.
So now he's getting married and now he's asking you to be his best man. I don't even think you talk to the guy. Just talk to your wife, just listen, I don't know what this guy's deal is, but he's he's he's freaking me out. This guy freaks me out. I don't know what his deal is. OK, I have a right to pick my best man. I did. This guy should have been a gentleman and accepted it.
Instead, he called up and berated you numerous times for a couple hours on the phone. I wanted to say something to him, but I didn't want to disrupt the family. I was a gentleman and now he's asking me to be his best man and to do just decline him. Just say, no, I don't want to do it. Just leave it at that. And then let him pout, just let that guy keep pouting. But don't get drawn into the.