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Hey, what's going on? It's Bill, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and ha ha ha ha, I'm just checking in on you.
Who what's good?
What's going on, everybody? How are you? You're making it through another week. You're you're Joe six pack. You're putting your fucking panties on one leg at a time. Why would you have legs on your panties?
Well, maybe you were raised right. And you're not like all these. Who is on the social media with half their fucking clamps hanging out of the back of their yoga pants? It's her body. If she's proud of her vagina, it wants to make it look like a sock puppet inside of her sweatpants. That's her business.
You know, upon further review, I've looked back at my comments about women's vaginas that I've never met and I'm disgusted with myself.
And I'd like to apologize and say that I am now an ally of having your vagina lip showing through your yoga pants.
See that people you see how that works. That is the power of all of these social justice warriors. I just had made the ignorant statement. I canceled myself. I then apologized and became an ally all by myself.
Don't know much about this bullshit, but I do know I don't give a fuck. Oh, my God. Maybe I'm talking about the veg lips. They're not because of why you think.
Not because I'm a bald, ignorant, sexist, like dirt eater of dolphin meat that I saw a fucked up video, I don't know, all these boats were driving these fucking dolphins or something, porpoises or orcas or something into the fucking the cove there. Oh, they made a movie about it. And these fucking guys were in the goddamn water, just like putting them in a headlock and stabbing him in the fucking head. It's just like I was surprised that the dolphins didn't try to bite their legs.
You know, I know they don't have shark teeth.
They kind of like baby shark teeth, baby sharp teeth. Doo doo doo doo doo doo. Right. Could still do some damage. Rip off an Achilles heel. I don't know what a fucking job.
Fucking just sitting in there, a sea of blood coming home, hi, honey, how was work? It was great. What do you make for dinner? I made some trout. Where are you going? You know, I'm not saying I love my wife, that's we know what a guy is going to say, some fucked up about his wife. You know, it's not like I don't love my wife, but, you know, it's like I'm out there in a fucking cove.
Committing dolphin genocide and I come home fish for dinner. It's like, lady, how about a burger and a fucking blowjob only in March? It used to be steak and a blowjob, but now with the new normal, it's now burger and a handy burger. No cheese, no cheese on that burger. Lettuce wrapped. Oh, the fucking Boston Bruins got their asses whooped. Last night down in Tampa? No, it was in Boston. I'm just going to buy their jerseys and pretending that they're playing home and away games.
Yeah, we just got we got smoked.
What we were worried about happened last night with Tucker Ross leaving people big question mark on Hallock, who my friend informed me was like something like the two hundred seventy first draft picks in 2003, but he's still in the league. So that says to me, we maybe got a little Tom Brady action going on here.
Right. He had a tough game last night.
I still believe in the guy he's played. He's played great for us. You know, a couple of soft goals here are there. But I mean, it happens. You guys a bad game. You know what?
You know what you do. You know what you do. You shake it off. Bruins are going to shake it off.
We're going to tie it up in the next one. And I'm sure the entire Boston sports media is now saying this fucking series is over, which it may be.
Because I think, you know, once we put it in the other guy after Hallock, I mean, I don't know who else we go for after that.
I guess you put in the guy who's driving the fucking Zamboni when he's wearing some long underwear so his thighs don't get bruised, his shins.
Actually, I love when the sports media just they just fold the fucking tent. And I always wanted an athlete. You know, after a bad loss. You know, we've lost two in a row. We were up one to. Now we're down two to one and then they just start being these negative Nellies, and I always wanted an athlete to look across the fuckin table or maybe just across that stupid fucking recorder that they have, you know, because they're not smart enough to remember anything that they heard, not because they want to get it word for word.
I love that they actually record it and then they still take things out of context.
It's like, how can you fuck this up? I always wanted the athlete to be like, you know what the difference between me and you was other than. An astounding athletic ability right there, man, advantage is that. When we lose a couple of games in a row. You know, we still go positive. We're going to turn this thing around. We're going to make our adjustments and we're going to go down swinging as opposed to you fucking guys, you sportswriters who just fold the fuckin tent the second you see a cloud in the sky.
You know. And what do they do right when you lose a game, do you start, you know, to the Bruins, go in there and point to their goaltender? Now they rally around the guy. What are the sportswriters do? They try and take the guy out, you know, and that's why they only fucking ring a sportswriters ever going to get is a what a great talent.
He might have his fucking article done by eleven o'clock because he's got issues that I hate negative.
Just they just they just quitter's. They're all fucking quitters.
I'm trying to think the last time I read a sports article that when your team wins, the first game loses, the next two dozen starts forecasting gloom and doom. And I'll tell you, you know, it's not just the sportswriters. It's also sports fans. They do it, too.
And I'm told that is a disease. That that's a little seed, you know, the first time you played hopscotch when you were a little kid and you're on one leg and you bend down to pick up the rock and you did a face plant, you got a little fucking raspberry on your forehead.
That's right there, where it started to take growth, right, and you started thinking, you know, there's something wrong with me, are you avoided hopscotch after that and you start fucking forgetting your gym class stuff so you don't have to participate? You know, and then walking out instead of walking up to an eight in a bar, you're talking to some four, right. And it's a fuckin disease. And in the back of your head, there's that voice of who you should have been rather than who you became.
And the only way you can drown out, drown it out. Is to trash the local hockey team that's now down two to one. That's my theory. All right. Now you're listening to somebody who's overcome a lot of adversity. When I was a child.
OK, I was born a white male, but I was beyond white. I was a white that was not accepted. I had orange dots all over my body. My hair was the color of a cream sickle. Sorry, I still believe in the Bruins. I think that we just have too much heart and I think we're going to rally around Hallock. I think Kalakh has a great game. The next game we tied up two two, and I think none of the sportswriters apologize for doubting him.
I'm sure they throw Tucker under the fucking bus because he chose his family over whatever the fuck it is that we're watching hockey in August with no fans, you know. If you told people last year, this season's going to end. In August. OK, and none of the regular season is going to count. We're going to do a round robin and I don't give a fuck. If you had close to 100 points, you could actually be fucking goddamn eighth seed in three games or whatever the fuck it is that they did.
And there's going to be no fans. They would have been like, what the fuck? You know? But the great thing about sports is once you just start watching, you don't give a fuck because I don't give a fuck and I am counting this fucking the Stanley Cup. Whoever wins, this is a legit Stanley Cup. And because everybody's in the same boat. You know, it's not like. I don't know. They all have to participate.
So it's not like one team didn't have to and the other teams did. So I don't have a problem with it. I do have a problem with us given up fucking seven goals. And I think I'm going to go out on a limb and think the Bruins do, too. And you know what? The bottom line is Tampa Bay. You know, maybe they're going to get a little too confident, I don't fucking know. I'm just hoping to win anyway.
Your Philadelphia flight. Yes, your number one seed, speaking of cream, Sickels, the Philadelphia Flyers, after getting their fucking orange and white fuckin butts spanked. And the first game, what did they do? They came right back, gave the islanders the all right there, Fred, I believe they won that one in overtime. I have not seen a second of that series. Game three is tonight, and I cannot wait to watch it.
I'm very excited to see this. This seems like it's an incredible match up and I'm psyched that it's won one because I got nothing else to do. I want to see this thing go seven games. Bruins, on the other hand, I want them to fucking win the next three games in a row. But the flyers and islanders can just beat the shit out of each other for seven games for all I care. That's what I think so. But thank God for sports.
Thank God for sports coming back, because you can actually, you know. Well, I say you can get away from the problems of the world. And then now the Milwaukee Bucks aren't going to play because of everything that happened, that horrific stuff that happened in Wisconsin and then the response in Kenosha and Jesus Christ.
It's just, you know, I just don't understand, you know, it's just something you really have to I will say just stay off social media because the fucking level of races that are on there, I saw this one guy. This is actually he's so racist, like. He doesn't even realize he's racist, so he's trying to justify why you would shoot a guy seven times in the back. You know, as he's getting into his car and his kids are in there and his response is he shows a video of a black guy fighting with cops.
So, like, maybe because of this and he was literally defining racism. So, like now because this black guy did this, that means they're all going to do it. So just shoot them, right? I mean, that that is the that is the same fucking like that would be like if I showed a picture of Charles Manson.
You know, and be like, you know, that's not now the cops can shoot every white guy in the back seven fucking times.
Yeah, I just feel like there's just certain people that are just choosing not to see that there's a problem and you got to just kind of work around because I don't know shit about society or any of that crap. But I will say that fucking 17 year old kid who just murdered those people with an assault rifle, the fact that he can walk down the street afterwards towards the cops wearing an assault rifle with his hands up. OK, and they like get out on the road.
Step aside, please. I mean, who would you rather be in that situation?
A white guy walking down the street with an assault rifle with the arms up, or a black guy walking down the street with his arms up wearing a book bag?
I'm telling you. And, you know, if you think that that's some liberal horseshit, then agree to disagree.
I mean, there's definitely you know, I think one of the great people that I've seen in sports is Doc Rivers. And if you listen to what he said about it. And the emotion that he had for it, I mean, for you to still sit there as someone who isn't him and living his experience and tell him that what he's saying is wrong is I mean, that's a level of fucking ego that I do not want to be around. So there you go.
That's what I have to say on that Shites. But as ugly as all of this is, I think it's finally come to a head. And I do think that we're going to be. In a much better place. After this, I don't think that those people that write that racist shit and that people that take assault rifles and just shoot unarmed, innocent fucking people and I know very little interceptor out there fucking read it.
It's just like it doesn't mean you can just go out and shoot them. You know, if you start rioting, yeah, you should be arrested and you should be, but you shouldn't just get shot by some random fuckin person shot dead, like, I don't think that you should get the death penalty for that because some citizen who's not even in law enforcement, who's actually a kid decides.
Whatever I don't know, it's brutal, but let's let's just let's let's pick a lighter subject and talk about how much weight I put on out there in Yellow Springs.
Oh, my God.
I got ice cream twice, one milkshake, I'm trying to think the damage I did, I got had a roast beef sandwich with chips and an orange soda and like two root beers.
I tried Ratatouille. This is how much of a Patton Oswalt fan I am, I went into a restaurant, I've never seen it on the menu. I and I just saw Ratatouille. I was like, oh, my God, Pedernales well, was the voice.
And read it to I will have the Ratatouille. And just like the movie, I enjoyed it. A tremendous dish. I still can't tell you what it was.
It was it was some sort of some sort of mincemeat. I don't know what it was. It was delicious. I don't give a fuck. It was a rat, you know, it was delicious. You know, you boil this fuckers take the hair off them. Tastes like chicken. No, it doesn't. No, it doesn't. I had aligator one time and it did not tastes like chicken. It tasted like weird chicken. That's the best.
I'll give it. OK, that's like all these fucking cards that, you know, try to act like they're a Porsche or a fucking BMW. It's like you're not OK. You're a Volkswagen and you are a Chevy Cavalier. I'm sorry. You're a Toyota Camry. You're not a BMW five series.
Well, I got to tell you, you know, you get the twin turbo boob tube, do a little more bang for your buck.
Who knows? Yeah. So I think I had already put on five pounds and then I put on like another six pounds. And so I was going I started going to this juice place and they had these cool t shirts and I so I bought one and they're like, what size do you want? And I got the medium. I didn't get the large because I know the medium. I have to be in tip top shape. To to rock is the kids say, a medium t shirt.
All right, now, I could have made the mistake of buying the large t shirt and just walk down the street and every three steps pull the shirt away from my belly. You know, you do that when you start getting fat, you start pulling the fucking, you know, the clingy shirt because it's showing your fucking Jaylo curves.
You reverse Jaylo curves, get a Jaylo as where your stomach is supposed to be.
I got the medium and, oh, my God, I put that thing on, what a shit show my man tits were coming out the side, my fucking arms were all I just I looked fucking like I was full of sugar and salt in soda, all of that. I just was carbonated shit. I just was I look terrible.
So since I've come back, I've gone back onto my diet and I was just like, all right, well, I know how this works. I just did. Seven days of damage, which means I'll have to do anywhere from 14 to 20 days of being a saint, and that's that's the sad math of trying to stay in shape because you can get on an elliptical and do an hour, come off pouring sweat and within depending on how fast you eat, you could eat a sleeve of Oreo cookies in under 10 minutes.
And I don't know, I don't know. I don't know how long you have to be on an elliptical to burn that off because there is nothing in there. That you need and it's just going to go right to your man tits, right to your fucking back fat. It's going to be hanging off the underside of your jaw. So anyway, that's what that's what I've been doing, because I need to get back in shape because I'm vain. And number two, I have some social distance shows coming up.
All right. Everybody is learning from what Dave is doing out there in Ohio and Bert, Krischer and all these guys. And they're getting it down and they got it down to like a science. So I'm going to be doing some shows that I will be announcing very soon, probably before my next podcast. And I am very excited to go do it. It's going to be like the old days where I'm going to be doing two shows a night in front of like 300 people, and I'll have to do like 9000 shows in the week so I can keep the lights on.
But my act is going to be tight as a multifocal.
So I'm looking I'm really looking forward to it and. Yeah, and I'm going to go off because I want the freedom that I had. That I used to have as a comedian, where I could just say whatever the fuck I wanted to say, I really want to get back to that. And I don't know, I'm telling jokes. I mean, what's the worst case scenario? They end my acting career, that doesn't really exist. Boo hoo, then I just do a podcast and do stand up, I mean, that's kind of a great existence and considering all the amazing dad time I've had with my kids like that wouldn't bother me.
To just do that, I mean, obviously, I wouldn't want to be have a bunch of fucking hairy legged fucking chicks if I can get mad at me, although it would be fun to talk about the hairy legs, even if they didn't have them, and just be like, oh, I thought I just you know, you were painting with the broad brush, no pun intended. I figured I could do it, too.
Can I know it's just the way you do it, but when we're sexist, it's brave.
Anyway, let me do a little a little advertising read here. Candid, candid.
You know, there hasn't been a whole lot to smile about these last few months going negative.
Come on, man. But all the fucking home cooked meals. Everybody now is white nose, like smiling through like gritted teeth and saw my family every day, but things are getting better.
There you go, candid. There you go. Speaking of which, wait a minute. I got to in the street. Did you guys read you've got to read Jerry Seinfeld's article that he wrote in The New York Times. Some comedy club owner said New York is dead and I'm leaving. And that fucking article that Jerry Seinfeld wrote, I'm telling you, is everything that is missing in the Democratic and the Republican Party right now.
All right, it was positive, it was confident, it had swagger. He was talking shit, this is New York, we've been through way worse than this, and if you're too much of a pussy to fuck it on, my gonna put words in his mouth, but basically.
That's what I've needed since the beginning of this. All right, I needed my fellow, the first change president and look what he does. I needed him to get on there and just be like, this is the greatest country. This is America. We will defeat this the way we defeated the Germans or the Japanese, the way we said we defeated the North Vietnamese. I needed that.
That's what I needed. All right. We're going to find a cure. Fuckin relax, everybody. Wear a goddamn mask. Stay away from each other. We will defeat this and we will continue on as the greatest nation on earth. Yes, that's what I need. And it's just been a bunch of. Oh, well, they started it and you came from here. And these people won't let me do this on both sides of the aisle. Everybody just wetting their pants.
That's what I want come November. I don't give a fuck who wins, I want a leader. I want somebody that's going to come back in the locker room and have us all run it out for the next fuckin goddamn half, ready to fucking, you know, light somebody up. That's what I want. I'm not going to get it. We got to ball this fucking octogenarians boy. Jesus Christ, I got an idea. Why don't we stop vetting people so people with balls can run for office again?
Because I swear to God, now you just get these fucking namby pamby. I don't know.
I don't know what happened to Jesus Christ anyways. Canted everybody. You know, there hasn't been a whole lot to smile about these last few months, but things are getting better. Oh, please talk about things you see improving. I see my man tits coming down since I came back from the road. I see you know, I see a nice, clean house that's getting tougher. I was so I see improving.
I got the new iPhone and it's better than my last one.
For example, being able to physically be around friends, family, sporting events, outside sporting events, starting back up. Thank you. Card at sporting events, starting back up, doing stand up out in a cornfield. I got some stand up dates coming.
The sun's coming over the horizon. There we go. Got back to flying helicopters. You know, that's a good thing. I woke up this morning, I took a shower, you know, felt good that a little bit of stretching. Who is it?
Hey, I'm in the middle of an ad read.
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There's no reason not to have a nice, beautiful smile these days. They got the technology can. It only works with orthodontics. Never general dentists like other companies. Oh, shots fired.
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That's ridiculous. With canted, your treatment includes remote monitoring by the same orthodontist who created your plan.
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Right? I don't want a garbage collector doing my, my, my, oh, that's a little rough on dentist. You know, I don't want a garbage collector rewiring my house. I don't want an electrician putting the trash in the back of the truck, I want you to know what the Donnis do, orthodontist stuff, right? That's how it is. All right. The average candid treatment is just six months. You start seeing results way before them and costs an average of 50 percent less than Invisalign.
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How much time have I done here.
Twenty six. What's up. They got to measure the windows. Oh, for God fucking sakes, can't a guy do up here? Are they listening to me screaming and yelling? They're not here. So I can be here for another four minutes, right?
No, he's here. Is he listening to me screaming?
So I'm going to be in here screaming fucking all that, whether it's a guy measuring windows, huh? Well, I would like the last four minutes, my podcast, not not Be Not Me, wandering around the house trying to figure out, you know what, maybe I will do that.
Maybe that is something interesting to people. You know, you go downstairs to your own podcast studio. What is all that shit in my glass?
Jesus Christ. Anyway, no, let me and let me come back let me get up there first. All right.
I don't have a mask for FOX six. You know, a man's home is his castle, unless you're a podcast or without a studio, then you can just go fuck yourself, right? I get to go back.
Oh, we have this fucking story. All right.
Hang on. Hang on. Life, Mike. Like Mike coming through comedy. Oh, jeez. All hell is breaking loose.
OK, everybody, let's relax.
OK, anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah. You can get your teeth straightened out. Yeah. And stop looking like you're from Britain, you know.
Are you sick of being called Austin Powers, you know, to people start to laugh at your joke and then you smile and then they recoil in horror and you look over your shoulder and look for an axe murderer.
And it turns out they're just looking at your crooked teeth. Oh, my God, there's no place to be in the house. I just you know what? I filled it up. I filled up the house with people. All right, here we go.
All right. He's back. He's back. He's back in the saddle again.
All right. So what was that? How much did that take up? Oh, took up on my I got one more minute to go and then I'm done. Yay. Anyway, so tonight tonight I'm going to be watching or I see the flyers versus the friggin islanders. I'm going to be keeping it positive. I'm going to believe in people.
Oh, and if you want my vote in November, I want to hear some Newt Rockne speeches. That's what I want, OK.
Put on one of those stupid Hollywood sports movies, there's anything worse that I'm going to name any movies, but when they do the underdog guy making the team and then they pick the smallest fucking actor they possibly can.
I think this guy wouldn't make the fucking team. You couldn't just cast it for a few more weeks and found somebody with some shoulders.
But he did the best soliloquy in the audition, although it does work the other way, because I remember Spike Lee did that move movie.
What did he do? He did the was it he got game and I believe he used Ray Allen.
You know, he also used Rick Rick Fox kid fucking act.
Rick Fox is a good fucking actor. God damn it. What am I doing? What are you doing?
Bill, what do you have you ever made a fucking movie? Why don't you shut the fuck up?
I you know, fair enough. Fair enough. But I've watched a lot of them, so I feel I have that.
All right. So I'm continuing on.
I had a tofu scramble and I hate tofu, but I actually got a good recipe for it. It's a little bit of like one of those extra firm tofu his his his stand up from the 80s. How do you know when tofu is cooked? It doesn't brown up or anything, doesn't seem to anyway, so I have. And I just want to give a shout out to everybody who's going to tell me how bad tofu is for me, you know?
That also fucking takes an edible every night, and then you going to tell me that that's good. You're expanding your mind and creating more distance between you and apes, whatever that whole fucking theory is. You know. It's like an eighth. Of a teaspoon of turmeric. And you take the whole fucking break, I kind of like tofu, though, when it comes out, because I feel like a drug dealer, like I got a key, a cocaine.
You know, I have a really difficult time not taking that gelatinous shit and just rubbing it on my gums and reenacting every fucking cop show I watched when I was growing up.
And then you must sit down with the fork and then you stir in the tumor. And the tumor is I don't know, it's good for your liver or some shit. I don't know what it's good for. But what's funny is, is that it actually kind of looks like scrambled eggs. Then you throw like a couple of fucking.
Spinach in there, you know, and even though you've drained off the water, there's still enough water in there, you don't put anything in the pan and you just sort of cook it. I just look at the spinach when the spinach is all wilted and done, then I take the shit out. And meanwhile, while you're doing that, you make a little pesto sauce, which is three cups of delicious by memory here. Three cups of basil leaves, quarter cup of raw cashews.
And it was like four tablespoons of water, two tablespoons of lemon juice, two tablespoons of olive oil and one clove of garlic minced, put them in. What is it? A word processor?
Food processor. Right. There's your pesto, you put it on top of the fuckin that's that's going to be your flavor, basically, because you've noticed I didn't put any salt or any of that shit on the fucking tofu. So I've been having that. I'll finish that up tomorrow. And then I have these these banana muffins that are made out of buckwheat flour that I swear to God, you need like a gallon of water to get them down. Your throat is so fucking healthy, right.
There's nothing moist or exciting about them. Yeah, and then I got another one, that is when I get back in shape, I get this other recipe. Will you take this? I don't know what they call. I think it's not squash.
Yeah, I think it's squash. You have them, right, cut the fucking thing, you scoop the seeds out. All right, you just rubbed them down with olive oil. Not a creepy way. You ask their consent and you rub them down. Then you put some salt on it, then you put them on a cookie sheet face down. I think it's like three fifty for like an hour. You know, you just look at them when they get on the skins, really start browning up and they get soft.
Then you're supposed to be able to take a fork and make these spaghetti fucking noodles out of it. Never works for me.
So I just scoop the fucking things out and I put a little parmesan cheese in there and mix it up. I mash it down with the mash are like mashed potatoes. I put a little Parmesan cheese in there and then I just a little salt and pepper and then I just do like layers like lasagna and put a little cottage cheese between the two of them. Put them back into the broiler. You know, brown it up a little bit, although some arugula in there to.
And then when I go to eat it, I'll put it like a little bit of arugula and then I put that shit on top and fuck it fills you up and you wake up the next day and your stomach is a little flatter.
That's a cup. There's a couple of fucking Billy no fat tits dishes for you. Give those a whirl or whatever. Just what look up what I just talked about the show. They'll give you a better recipe or some shit.
So that's it. Oh, Billy again, Billy fat tits. Sadly, pasty, pasty boobs. Think of this as an alliteration. Word for titties that begins with a P for that. I guess not. Hey, Bill, just a reminder to check out that email.
Jesus Christ, it never it never ends. OK, that's it.
That's the podcast. Have a great weekend.
You can't, um, if you try to be a leader out there and just a social justice, something or other. All right. That's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you on Monday. I can see if you can. Still meaningful, saw what? You know, other voices in your. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Bird, it's the Monday morning podcast from Monday, August 27th, 2012. How's it going? I'm actually recording this Sunday night.
Because I got a bunch of shit to do tomorrow and I got this I got this burst of energy on Sunday and I was like, you know what? I'm going to I'm going to take care of all the fucking shit.
That I'm going to hate to have to do tomorrow morning, you know, going to pay the bills. Going to go down to fuckin windshield's and go get a pretzel, you don't give a fuck, right? Who the fuck eats there, by the way? What is Winchell's? Do they make hotdogs?
They just make that shit ass fucking food. That fat, pasty white people just can't get enough of, you know, that's how you fucking do it.
All these all these athletes taken the Royds. You don't need that. You go down to the food court, Orange Julius, you go to that place that doesn't like the queers, that makes the chicken sandwiches. Right. You get some fries from them.
I love it. That's part. You guys have seen that the Chick fil A, they don't like gay people, chick fillet. We don't like the gay. If you're straight, you can eat our fucking burger fewer, you know, then you think you're getting enough meat in your life. But the fuck. Yea we live in an. More importantly, how much fucking money you make in selling chicken that you can get rid of that portion, that amount of people in the population?
You know, why the fuck you like your McDonald's chick fillet, you're not. You know, you're not even Popeyes. Forget about KFC, the fuckin Babe Ruth, Michael Jordan, of feeding people unhealthy chicken. You know that your goddamn God, that's your fucking Led Zeppelin right there.
The chicken industry. Right there. That old fuckin plantation owner of that slave, that's how much that's how fucking good they are cooking chicken, they have a goddamn it looks like a fuckin slave owner straight out of that movie Roots as their their mascot.
Or their spokesperson. You know what I mean? Lisa Wendys has that non-threatening sort of fuckin fat white guy, you know, who looks like he loves his wife but probably, you know, steals from the company if he's in the accounting division, doesn't he? Actually does that guy the guy from Wendy's does not look honest, 100 percent honest. He looks like a real swell guy who one day the feds would show up and raid his house and grab his hard drive.
And then he come out weeping and his family would be all stunned at the double life that they weren't aware that he was leading doesn't even look like that.
Could you just see his stupid glasses fogging up, you know, and then, of course, he get convicted, right.
They go through all the bullshit.
Nancy Grace with their fucking angry Hellboy head, would be sitting there, you know.
The fuckin female Jim Rome, right, getting all fucking pissed off with flames going behind her, and then what would happen eight months later, Bryant Gumbel would show up or maybe he'd send that fuckin vampire, Grandpa Munster there, Frank Deford, and they would go and interview the guy.
Right, the Wendys guy. And he'd be sitting there in his fuckin jumpsuit, you know. You know, like, is this pudgy hands just ringing them together? And they'd just be like, where did it all go wrong?
I mean I mean, you had to think at some point you were going to get caught, don't you? I mean, what were you thinking?
And then you just be like. I don't know what I was thinking. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. Tonight on 60 Minutes, that fat fuck from Wendy's who you thought was an honest guy. I guess now he's a piece of shit. Does that make you feel better about your life, you fucking cunt? Well, why don't you go walking in the mirror and rather than just fucking brush your teeth, you look into it and really think about some of the shit that you've done, you know, and maybe if you fucking had some talent in life, you could have been a piece of shit at that level.
Will it be worthy of telling your piece of shit stories on 60 Minutes or some other investigative news program? Bill, where the fuck you going with this? I'll tell you where I'm going with this. Lance Armstrong won that goddamn bike race. He did it seven times in a fuckin row. All right, and now you're telling me he didn't. He did. Our fuckin Royte it up, guy, beat your it up, guys, seven fuckin times in a row and I don't care how you slice it, how you dice it, whatever the fuck you do, go fuck yourself.
They were all doping, therefore, it's an even playing field. It's like the 2004 fucking Boston Red Sox, when they beat the Yankees, are royte it up, guys. Beat your royte it up, guys. That's level that's a level playing field. I can't fucking believe those cunts, they just kept coming at it, coming at him, and then finally everybody fucking cracked, you know?
Bunch of goddamn pussies all lining up to fucking rat the guy out, isn't is there any like. You know. Wasn't half the fun when you were growing up? When the teacher knew you did something but couldn't fucking prove it and knew that you knew who the fuck did it. He just sat there and you wouldn't fucking say shit and you got to watch this person in power. Be defeated. You know, what the fuck are they going to do to you?
Why do these other bike ride and jackasses all crumble? What were they threatening you with? I don't fucking get it. Let me let me ask you, how the fuck is Lance Armstrong's cheating, but these oldroyd it up, guys, you see at night, the night time, that's Ingenix. They're not cheating. They're on fucking HGH. They didn't earn their six pack. None of this shit's getting taken away.
It's go fuck yourself. All right, he won the thing, he won it seven times in a fuckin row. I don't I don't give a shit.
Barry Bonds. Hit the most fucking home runs of all time. All right, and he did it, you just say he did it during the roid era. That's all. We're all going to be on, you know, it's going to happen. No one wants to have a chicken neck. No one wants to have your fuckin tits that you never had before. Now sliding into your fucking stomach, your stomach's just a slit. You know, that's how fat you get as you get older when your fucking navel looks like a.
A fuckin ass crack is somebody sleeping on a couch on its side, right all the way down your old fucking ball bag? You don't want that. You want to be shredded, OK? It's already starting.
Old people are taking these fucking things. For what? Because they're trying to make Division one football now because they want to look good, OK.
And how do we know how to give it to these people, because they're heroes? Like fucking Lance Armstrong all the way back to Luisito, they put this shit in their fucking bodies and you know, those fucking cunts out there in Silicon Valley, they got to watch what happened, slowly make improvements. I'm telling you. But then 15 years, I guarantee, I can tell you there's going to be kids sprinkling HGH onto their fucking cornflakes, wondering why Lance Armstrong wasn't allowed to say that he won that fucking bike race seven years in a row, I got fuckin news for you.
If you want to see people not on Royds, try and ride a bicycle up a fucking mountain. For six fucking weeks in a row, whatever the hell it is you want to see them do that all natural, that's going to be the most boring shit you've ever seen in your life. You might as well watch me do it at that point, my fucking head turning all red, wheezing, just looking at the mountain. All right, it's some superhero shit, OK?
There's no fucking Santa Claus. It's over. All right. Do you think this shit's going to end, it's not going to end well, we're going to move on to bionic people next. They're literally going to take out the bottom of people's legs below the fucking kneecap and they're going to put a strut in that, just like they do on a car.
You know, and then white people are going to be Duncan and then black people will be like, do what the fuck? You know, give me some bionic legs and you have a fucking Michael Jordan with bionic legs, I'm telling you. By 2030, the goddamn backboard in the NBA is going to be up where all those Celtics championship banners are. That's my theory. Give me a fucking break. I was really rooting for that guy, not that I like cheaters.
It's you can't ride a bike 60 miles an hour up and down a fucking mount without being on. Why is everybody acting like this is a surprise? And then you see these fucking douche bag people in the media, right?
They are. They all can't fucking wait to jump all over Lance Armstrong's. Why? Because they sucked in gym class and, you know you know, the deal in high school, you don't get any pussy because you got an A in creative writing.
All right, and then these fucking little smarty kids, they see these meathead athletes walking around with their fucking abs in their pecs going, Oh, fuck.
Give me the ball. Right. And they just sit there going, why is she sucking the deck, that fucking moron? And it just it bugs them. And they can't wait. They can't wait for the day, but when one of them gets caught doing something for them to be fat and coming back to the reunion, you know, and they can be they're like, oh, I fucking write for this paper, huh?
And then they go over to that cheerleader, used to be good, now faces all fucking shiny with the Botox, but he still fuckin grabs her by a fuckin hair at this point. Right.
You know, he's got that you know that you're not an old lady, but you're not a young lady here. You know, where it starts to be extremely flammable after all the years of high lighting.
It's like a fucking God damn bird's nest.
You know, sort of a dude's haircut at that point, but they added some sort of little flip to it, you know, so it's still technically a feminine haircut. You just walk and jamming it down towards your slacks. Right, so this is what this douche had to say. This is what they say, oh, by the way, I forgot to say this at the top of the podcast. This podcast is brought to you.
Today's show is brought to you by audible, please visit audible dot com slash bill for your free audio book download now.
Why would you want to read when someone can read it for you? Why would you want to ride a bike up a damn mountain? Without having Royds injected into you, I don't want to do that. There's a reason why people don't ride a bike to work when they live on the other side of a fucking mountain. All right. Because it hurts your legs.
You need something beyond vitamins. How fucking exciting is the Tour de France? I love it, I don't care that they're on Royds, give a more fuckin Royds. Make them go faster and go fast. We'll go fast, they can go fast. I don't give a fuck. All right, so this is what this fucking douchebag wrote. He's sitting there, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. He goes his most of basically. Lance tapped out.
I. He said, I refuse to practice after he saw this whole, like, basically everything, seen that old show, this is your life. It was just like the game show where everybody you ever knew was going to come walking out rather than being like, I remember I taught you how to ride a tricycle. It's not going to be that.
It's going to be a bunch of old people going, I checked it up in his barracks and he didn't want to deal with that, which I can't blame. But I got to admit, they were going after him the way they were going after Michael Jackson, you know, when I said he was fucking touching kids. And I actually read an article one time as some fucking some guy wrote, he was sitting there and actually watched the trial as opposed to me who just kind of walked by TVs in the airport and looked at Michael's weird nose and were like, yeah, he did it right.
This guy actually was at the trial and he said he couldn't believe that it actually went to trial. That's how fucking weak the case was. You know, that being said, I wouldn't leave a fuckin bullfrog with that maniac thought his fucking dad did. But that's a whole different story. Very bad point. That point actually probably just weakened my fuckin argument here. Anyway's. This is what this fucking douche who never got picked in gym class wrote. He's saying at this point he did OK and all his friends are going to come out.
And basically say that he did do it, you know, can you stop yelling at me now, fuckin pussies, he goes, so anyways, I'm sorry, show what the fuck was going to happen.
So the guy right at this point, at that point, he did what he'd never done before.
He gave up the pugnacious Texan continue to proclaim his innocence. But when the time came for him to hear his friends and associates incriminate him and try to refute their accusations, I'm and said it just wasn't worth the trouble.
All right. He says, I refused. And Armstrong said, I refuse to participate in the process that is so one sided and unfair. Are attempting whatever he said, instead, he's going to focus on serving people and families affected by cancer, attempting to be the fittest 40 year old on the planet.
I love that the fact that he did Royds somehow negates the fact that he came back from basically you're going to die level cancer and had to leave one ball on the table.
You know what I mean? I mean, the fact that he could even sit on a fuckin bicycle seat ever again to me is pretty fucking amazing, you know.
I walk up my fucking stairs and and I'm winded. CNN says the results means he'll be stripped of every medal and title he won going back to August 1998, the exact fucking thing that this nerd writer wants, take away all his shiny stuff that I don't know how to win.
His extraordinary career will be vaporized from the record books.
He apparently won't even be allowed to compete in sanctioned triathlons.
His recent interest.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and then he adds this shit, here he goes, his most devoted admirers may take his word that he was being railroaded by a vindictive body using unfair tactics. But really, what else could a guilty person say in the face of so much evidence? What evidence that people were going to say he did it, I don't get how, first of all, what's what the fuck I don't get. They had a hard on for this guy when he was winning.
You know, you should have caught him then what does the statute of limitations run out on this ship? New evidence suggests what did you just find a video of the guy fuckin injecting? I'm Adam anyway. The agency also found that blood tests from 2009 indicated he was doping.
None of this is all fucking hearsay at this point, right? His most devoted admirers may take his word that he was being railroaded by a vindictive body using unfair tactics. But really, what else would it be?
The story is a particular shame because Armstrong, who survived the 1996 bout with testicular cancer that had spread to his abdomen and lungs, was such an inspiration to so many cancer victims. He used his fame to found Livestrong, a foundation that provides support to victims of the disease.
So what are you telling me now that people who have cancer are now looking at this guy as if he's still not like a fuckin hero?
The guy came back from ball cancer that had spread to his abdomen and his lungs and one of the best bike race, the hardest bike race on the planet, he won it seven years in a fucking row.
And bang shelach Sheryl Crow. Right. You're telling me this guy's not still a hero? Let me ask you, this person who wrote this fuckin article. Huh? Let me ask you this, what about you? What have you ever fuckin one that you're going to sit here and judge a guy like this didn't even fucking go to trial? And you can sit here and talk about this fucking guy like that, how what the fuck that you ever done, huh?
Everyone here are you never cheated on in your articles. You never cheated on your wife. You never cheated on your taxes. Go fuck yourself.
Why is this bothering me so much, I don't even fucking know why it's bugging me. You know what it is, if everybody else in the top 20 is doing the shit they all got caught to. All right. Then it's a fucking level playing field. He's so much fucking better than those other guys. Not only did he win the race, you still couldn't even catch them. You couldn't catch him on a bike or in the fuckin lab, all those other bozos who just sitting there staring at his ass, the entire fucking race, they all got caught, right?
Whatever I'm trying. There you go. 18 fucking minutes ranting and raving about a fucking bike race. All right. Revoice, everybody. Wouldn't it be great if you could start a business in your cubicle without your boss knowing about it?
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But the people at Voice were doing back flips. They were so excited that somebody actually used it and and had the results that they claimed. So there you go. If you're trying to start your own business. All right. Back to the podcast, what else happened? Oh, the Red Sox, the Red Sox had a fire sale. I love it, I got to tell you this, I absolutely love it. OK. And I'm just equating the Red Sox basically to Van Halen.
This is basically what we had, David Lee Roth, everything was great. 2004, maybe 2007, after we won the second one, that's like. 2004 to 2007, that was like Van Halen one all the way to 1984. I and then what happened, Tito left, David Lee left. And now we got Sammy Hagar. Now, we just dumped all the players, so that's to me is like Sammy Hagar and Michael Anthony aren't in the band anymore.
And now we got Gary Sharon, now Gary Sharon's in.
I don't know what to tell you. All I could tell you is this is what I love about this. What I love about my own team, just shitting the bed the way that they do is I love the empty seats. I love it. I love seeing all the bandwagon go home like the bandwagon posse's that I knew you were. You weren't there when we sucked, you showed up when we started getting good and you wrote it out like all those fuckin cunts who fill up the stadium.
Now, every time the Patriots play a game, where the fuck were you back when we had that shitty stadium with the aluminum seats?
Where were you? Huh? You were nowhere. You were sitting at all. Drinking hot cocoa with your fucking slippers on, you know, and I know a lot of people right now are probably going to be going, yeah, good fucking bullshit. They fucking suck. Fuck you. All right, look at your own goddamn.
You want to see what your fanbase says, if you really want to see the true fan base of your team, go to a game when they suck on any level hockey, basketball, baseball, football, rugby, fucking tiddlywinks, whatever it is, when your team sucks and the people that go, those are the diehards. I can't believe it's already empty seats at Fenway Park after everything that that team's done for that city. OK, we're only 11 months in.
They've had an 11 month bad run. I was back there in Boston, all these fucking people crying and pissing and moaning, bunch of fucking babies, you want the greatest thing about the bandwagon people leaving is I think it ups the chance of that stupid song to be discontinued during the seventh inning stretch. Is there any way we can sell that song to the Dodgers to. Is there any way we could just get rid of that sweet care? Well, Bob.
You know, if I was a dictator and I was looking to trim down the population. I wouldn't play that song in the public square with the banner of my face, you know, all around it.
And I would play that and whoever sang along that would be the black van would show up to your fucking house. And you would be. You would be. You would be automatically signed up for my educational program, which basically involves your skull being used as a fucking lamp post. I'm sorry, that doesn't make a lampshade, maybe a.. What am I trying to say? A footstool. There you go. So I'm actually excited.
I think it's a great fucking thing. I think it's great for the Red Sox Yankees rivalry. You know, Red Sox suck so much that now they don't have to fuckin amped up that they're going to face each other and then that can just, you know, back off for a little bit.
And then maybe in a couple of years, it gets good again, you know, as supposed to be like they're meeting again twenty seven times this year. Two hundred million versus a hundred and eighty, who gives a fuck it's over. So I want to thank the Red Sox. For fuckin back to like all the way from 1999 on, I haven't had a fucking problem with you guys, it's been fucking an absolute joy to watch you play, all right?
It's been fucking great. And now you're going through the rough times. And, you know, I'm still going to watch. I can't fucking wait to watch whatever the fuck is left of this team play in September.
You know, I don't know why. Can you can you people in Boston do me a favor? Can you guys. Can we start a movement to start booing? That fucking song during the seventh inning stretch, can somebody start a website? Could somebody OK, I'm lighting the match. Somebody go get the gas. Let's just let's just go for a. A total clean slate here. All right, starting over again for some reason, Bobby, they're sticking with Bobby Vee, I don't know why.
And for some reason, the more he goes out and yells at umpires, I'm actually starting to like the guy. All right, so he's on hold, but can we can we just get rid of that fucking song?
You know, one of the great things I used to tease Yankee fans about was the fact that they sang YMCA during the seventh inning stretch, OK? I never understood why they did it. The the. Legendary franchise that it is, I just you see in this Village People song and everybody in the stands is going, what you see a douchebags are douchebags are not real Yankee fans.
They're not doing it. They're fuckin sitting there. You know, I don't know what they're doing, pulling their hat down over their eyes. It's fucking embarrassing. To Barazi, OK, but that's not my fucking problem. Can we please? As a Red Sox fan who started watching back when they actually had red hats, that clown hat that they wore in the 70s, first game I went to was in 78, the summer of 78, by the way.
Was it 78? Yes, 78. Yeah, can we please let's start with the song, let's get rid of the song. This would be like a fan fire sale. Well, we'll start with the song and then next will be that fuckin mascot. And I don't know where to go from there because I don't live there anymore, those two fucking things annoy the shit out of me. Get that struggling actor out of that fucking suit, OK?
I hate mascots, I've said this before. I hate when you talk to them when there's no kids around and they still won't say anything. And you're like, hey, what's going on? And they do that fuckin, you know. I smoke crystal meth fucking psychonaut at you, you know. Insulting. I know you're in there. Anyways, this is such a weird fucking podcast so far. I'm just going to go off on shit this week, and then I'm just going to read advertising companies that work for you guys.
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Don't just sit there and wait for a lawyer to help you out, you call them up and they're going to help you. OK, there you go, back to the podcast. All right.
So. See, my dog, my dog is so adorable. Just laying there sleeping. You want to hear how she sounds when she's sleeping? You know what? I'm not going to because I'm put at the microphone up to her nose. And it's going to do is going to wake her up and you guys are not going to see how adorable she is because this is not a visual medium, in case you haven't noticed. So I'm really going to do just wake her up.
Anyways, I've been off this whole week. I'm off next week, and then it's fucking on, I'm torn like a goddamn band. Speaking of which, I saw Truth and Salvage Company at the Troubadour.
On Friday night, and if you get a chance to see those guys live, if you're sick of auto tune.
And a bunch of people acting like they're singing, but they're not singing because they got to do a bunch of dance steps, if you would just like to see a band of talented musicians, everybody in the band can sing their asses off. It's everything that's great about music. First of all, I never been to the Troubadour and I always heard about that, obviously being a Guns and Roses fan.
So before I went over there, look it up on on on Wikipedia.
I will try to give you a link or something like that for it. But just the amount of people that started out there. You know, it just it just was mind blowing, all those Singer-Songwriter people that were out in L.A. and lived in Laurel Canyon, the Joni Mitchell's James Taylor is all the way through right through to. Who else did they have their. I can't remember it was just a who's who of everybody. And then Guns and Roses, of course, perform there back when Axl had like two tattoos, they got all the pictures on the wall, so psyched to go there, I thought it would be this huge place.
It only held like maybe 350 people, really intimate setting. And I went down there and they absolutely smashed it. And they're actually out here recording a new album, Truth and Salvage Company.
Check them out if you like real music.
All right. And that wasn't a paid advertisement that came from the fucking house. All right, here we go.
So anyways, I am on the road traveling like a band. All right.
Not this pussy comedy shit where it's one week. And then I sit at home staring at my toes and then maybe I'll do another two days.
This is hardcore.
I am traveling, I believe, for the next. Fuckin six weeks, maybe every weekend I'm working. All right. Here we go, Orlando improvs, September seventh, eighth and ninth. You know, it's good to try to go to a Gators game, Florida Gators, right, drive up and go to game course, the fucking not playing sons of bitches is anything else. They're there. The Seminoles. What the fuck do they play? I got to see some Florida college football when I'm there.
I'm in Orlando. If you can recommend something, let me know. Bill at Bellbird Dotcom. All right, comedy zone, Charlotte, North Carolina, September 13th, 14th and 15th, and then my triumphant return. I love saying that. I just coming back to New York, but I call it my triumphant return is if I went off and conquered something. Actually, this is the rescheduled date, the Carolina state, September 20th, 21st, 22nd and twenty third.
I will be working with the one and only teen idol sensation from the Opie and Anthony radio program. Joey Rose's Joe DeRosa will be their.
Loaning his headlining services. OK. To be a feature act, something he doesn't do, he's just doing it for a POW, something he's way beyond, this guy sold millions of records. Everybody, millions of Joey Rose's fans cannot be wrong. He's going to be in the featurette. And opening is one of my new favorite comics out there is this kid, Sean Payton is fucking awesome. So that's going to be a great show. All right. And then the week after that, I'm going to be at the Comedy Zone in Jacksonville, Florida.
OK, how about a little pause here and a round of applause for the amount of white trash people I am going to be serving and dancing for in. Fuckin September, Orlando, Florida, who goes there, unless you go to Disney World, nobody, maybe if you're a whore and you want to blow Tiger Woods, I don't know. Right, comedy zone, Charlotte, North Carolina. And then after that, I mean, fuck, two weeks later, I'm in Jacksonville, Florida, OK?
Now, my fuckin. Am I doing stand up or am I am I got a reoccurring role on eastbound and down? OK, you tell me. This should be a jet ski at the end of this fucking tour. That's all I'm saying. After that, I go to go bananas in Cincinnati, Ohio. All right. You wanted that. Cincinnati's is one of those cities that even people in Cincinnati don't go to. They leave. It's one of those cities, right?
At five o'clock, everybody leaves zombie fucking town. Just like Cleveland. Just like Buffalo.
Just like all of those fuckin Rust Belt goddamn towns, people just leave. And I'm sitting there walking down the street, it's scary, but I'm going to be there and go bananas. Then after that, I go to fuckin Sydney, Australia. Hopefully I go to Sydney, Australia, fucking break my balls with all this shit they want me to give them.
So I actually set this tour up because I thought my special was going to be coming out October 1st. But the people in Netflix were so damn excited. There's such great people there like Bill, why don't we put it out now, what are we waiting for? I said, OK, right now I got all these fucking Back-To-Back dates to put together my new hour.
So please come down, say hello for a couple of jokes. Two for one, Joey Rose is telling you one and one in his final engagement is a featurette.
What else do we got here? I tell you guys, I'm trying to learn how to make homemade pizza. How bad do I need to just have a fuckin kid already? How many more hobbies can I start? Oh, look who's up. It's Cleo. Come here, buddy. Gammick, Milvia. Come over here, you know, all fucking day long you've been coming over here being all needy, the one time I call you when the goddamn microphones on you won't come over, right?
Once I know I always use this reference, but it's like that goddamn frog. Right now, we're watching for that construction worker in that cartooned hello, my baby, hello, my honey. Right. And he go to show it to people and just go by or I'm trying to learn how to make pizza. If anybody has a good recipe for a sauce, because that's what it's all about, that the fucking crust. All right. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about anymore.
Let's plow ahead here. What do I have? What else have I written down here? I want to talk about bombing.
Oh, Jesus ate my balls at the Comedy Store Saturday night just for, like, the first minute and a half. Because, you know what I was doing?
I was opening with. The bit that's on my news special that I opened with, the fact that I was talking about wanting to get a gun. So I just kind of, you know, had always been open and with that and now that my special is out there, I'm so delusional, I just automatically assume that everyone who's ever going to go to a comedy club, my dog needs a bath here and it should clear enough. Come here. Get over here.
So anyways, I've been.
Sorry, I got to give it the all neck scratcher. There you go. There you go, you motherfucker, get out of here. Yes, I've been open with that sounds like, well, it's been on once, it's on TV. I got it. I got to dump the joke. So I had this weird thing where I was going out there and I knew everything that I was going to talk about. I just didn't know I was going to open with.
So I was like, just fucking. I don't know. I wasn't feeling funny, and it was. It was a long two, three minutes before I kind of got it going, and then I was like, it just wasn't clicking for me. And you know, something that really wasn't even a part of like building a new hour just had to do with the fact that I haven't been on stage for a minute. And it's just like going to the gym.
I was getting winded.
Are you going to fucking scratch for the rest of the podcast? You need a bath, you know that. You need a bath. Go back to sleep, you were doing great. Fucking dog, I swear to God, this thing, it sleeps. Like 20 hours a day. You know, all this shit that they say about pit bulls being vicious and that type of thing, I don't know when they do it. All you really have to do if you get a dog is just watch it for that critical for hours when it's awake.
And you got to pay your fine. All right, let's let's get to a goddamn question here. Advice, exotic pets, Bill. Last week, I was laid off from my office cubicle job of four years. I am now a 25 year old unemployed college student struggling to make rent. Oh, Jesus. My heart goes out to your brother for at least a 25 year not married. Married. You don't have any kids. That's the bright side.
And I know you don't need to hear that. All right. All right, here we go. Can't go back to my parents as they are halfway across the planet in Taiwan.
Now, my question is, do I continue to do I continue trying to get back in the rat race or do I follow my dream of becoming an exotic pet reptile breeder? Jesus Christ, how the fuck did you just fucking with me? This is your dream? Well, you know what, you are from Taiwan, I imagine everything that's considered exotic over here is like nothing. You know. I bet over in Taiwan, instead of getting like a bicycle as a four year old, they give you like a defanged cobra or some shit.
I'm sorry, I just had to stop and laugh at the ignorance of that statement.
Anyways, I have no experience in the field. Fantastic. You're going to be on Spike TV's A Thousand Ways to Die. Except OK, except that OK. I've no experience in the field except for that I have a snake and four hamsters as pets. All right, dude, I don't want to burst your bubble, but there's nothing exotic about hamsters, even if you have four. Or Quatro. Sorry, I started the new fuckin Rosetta Stone Spanish again.
Hmm, your tango on Padel, it's Glees Blanco. Is Bueno, is local, a local? How the fuck you set my dogs out of it's my. Llamo hair. I'm sorry about that, um, I've been. Let's get to shit, like I just said, the woman. And then green apple, there's really nothing that connected either one of those go fuck yourself, I'm going to do it some point my life until we become bilingual.
So anyway, still wants to start raising exotic pets, breeding them. He has no experience. Now, what kind of fucking snake do you have? You know, if you have a garden snake, gardener, snake, I guess you got to start somewhere. You do have a reptile and a little rat thinks. This is cool, dude, you know what you're doing, you're doing like the open mics of this. I get it. You've got to start slow.
You can't start right with the black mamba. Going to get yourself killed anyway, he said, I've been to the reptile expo a couple of times and saw that vendors there just breed and sell snakes for a living and thought to myself, holy shit, I want to do that. Encourage animals to bang and sell the offspring all from my own apartment, living the dream. What to do. Any advice? What gave you the balls to start stand up.
Understanding the opportunity cost of the income of a full time job, any advice would help. Thanks, Mr. Burr. All right. All right, what do you do here? Well, dude, you're doing the right thing. You basically like you, you go into one of those reptile expos and looking at the douchebags doing it and being like I could fucking do that was like me when I used to watch some of those standup shows and be like, I'm funnier than this guy.
All right. And you have the luxury of not having a job right now.
So you don't have to worry about, you know, well, what if this interferes with my job? You don't have a fucking job. Your biggest thing right now, dude, is you need income.
All right, so I would continue looking for a job that is flexible. All right, while you start building your stockpile of reptiles, first thing I would do is I would go on the Internet and I would read as much as humanly possible. I would go to how to make two snakes.
Faucon, I would start I don't know what to tell you, dude. I would just keep going to those expos like they're open mikes. I would keep reading up on it.
I would try and find this is you do this is what you do. Act like you want to buy a fucking snake and go to some fucking dude and ask them how they got into the business as you pretend like, you know, like you're browsing and maybe you can get a job working for one of those guys. You figure out what the fuck he's doing. Right? You pull a Joe Kennedy that I've learned reading in the wonderful book The Sins of the Father.
Yeah, that guy used to work every place, he'd work at a place for like seven months to two years, he'd rifle through all the files, get all this insider information, make a boatload of cash and leave the fucking company in the shitter. OK, now, I'm not saying to do that, but I can work for these other guys, figure out what they're doing. Do what they're doing, become better at it. That's what I would do if you really want to do this shit, I would, but I got to tell you, this man.
I don't know how you make two pit vipers fuck each other. But I would definitely get a. I don't know if. I get a thick pair of gloves. How do reptiles even get turned on, they just have that fuckin look on their face like you don't know what they're thinking. You know, I'll tell you, if snakes had fuckin hands like they would win World Series of Poker every year, there'd be no fucking way to tell what it had.
Said Holden shit, is it kind of full house, you can't just sit there and he's talking to me. Should I go? Bill, I need your help. Obviously I must have some real issues to be seeking advice from a stand up comedian. But here goes. You know what, dude? That's one of the truest things that's ever been said. Anyways, you know, Sam, I was talking to Bobbie Lee this weekend, who I'm going to have on the podcast, I love the guy to death.
And he said a couple really nice things to me. And we were backstage. And as I went to return the compliment, he literally imploded and ran out of the room just at the thought of hearing me say something nice about him. And I just laughed because he was making a joke about it. But he was seriously he seriously left and slammed the door as I was mid compliment complimenting him and left me in this room by myself. And I just laughed out loud to myself and just said, fucking comedians.
So, sir, you're 100 percent right to sit there and be to seek advice from a stand up comedian. You've got to be out of your mind. But. This advice is free. Here we go. A couple of years ago, I decided to travel the world, he says, due to boredom or she says, who the fuck knows due to boredom and just a general feeling of unhappiness. That's a good thing to do. I needed to get away.
Everything went great from there. I met so many good people, enjoyed my time in other countries, and ended up feeling so much better in the end. Yeah, dude, you had an adventure. I said I recently decided to go home for a visit before continuing on and it ended up in a disaster.
Oh, she was still traveling the world, she decided to go home or you were back in the States and decided to go to your hometown. I don't know. Either way, you went home from wherever the hell you were. My parents were fighting. Most of my friends had either changed or left. And it turned out to be a real shitty time for me. The question is, am I wrong to want to travel? Still, I am leaving again straight away.
And most people I know are making me feel terrible that I want to leave. It's nothing personal. I just don't feel happy here. And I really miss the friends that I made in other places. Should I make the people feel bad or is it time to tell them to suck a big fat one? Oh, sure, I let people make me feel bad, or is it time to tell them to suck the big fat one dude you follow in your heart?
It's a great story. You should go for it.
And you learned the awful lesson that everybody has to learn is that you can never go home. OK, because people move on, people change, you walk into that bar and you're not going to see anybody that you know anymore, and if you do, they're going to be a lot fatter and a lot sadder. Something awful is going to happen, you know, they ruptured this spleen, you just don't want to do it. You just don't want to do it.
So go live your life, the reason why you feel happy when you're out there traveling, I feel, is because you're following your heart, you're listening to that voice that's telling you what to do. You go back to that town, everybody's negative. People are fighting because they don't want you to leave. They don't want you to make something of yourself because they're still sitting there sipping on a fuckin M.A.
So, yeah, you don't have to tell them to suck a big fat one, you just feel like, you know, this is what I want to do. And then just send him cards from all over the world and that'll make him even more angry as they sit there watching you get blown in Venice, one of those fuckin boats with that do not striped shirt.
He's not blowing, of course, some other chick with a mole right above her lip. And he's sitting there singing a song trying to drown out the sound of her sucking your dick. That's basically how it goes down. Is that a good picture? You know. Hey, you know what, why don't you fuckin go travel, go buy some exotic snakes and sell to that other dude is trying to sell us to start his business, then you take the money that you made.
Right, and you fucking use that to travel more. See that connecting via the podcast. All right. We got a fat fuck redemption. We got a redemption here. This is a nice shout out to touch. Point out this guy's obviously a touch point fan. I'm not trying to steal anything from that show. Fat Fuck Redemption. Bill, I'm a 35 year old guy and I've been a big fat fuck for most of my life. Well, you know what, sir?
The first step is admitting it.
The fact that you can call yourself a big fat fuck, you know? It's like me when I go through my periods when I know I need to quit drinking, that's what I say to myself or Billy Fat again, big fucking stupid. Fucking head full of booze. Big John Travolta fucking had loser stop your drinking. That's what I do, or else I won't listen to myself as this podcast gone off the rails.
I feel like I can't even think right now anyway. So I developed an amazing set of breasts at the tender age of 13. All right, this is a guy who had just had a look at the name that still puts both of my sister's rags to shame for the 20 pounds was my heaviest. I am also six foot seven and built white belt like the Irish Sasquatch. So I carry it pretty well. See what I'm saying? This is why this guy is so funny.
He and he grew tits at 13. He's six foot seven, he's 420 pounds. There's no way to not look like that. Not be a funny motherfucker. About ten years ago I dropped one hundred and fifty pounds through a through diet and exercise. I had a whole new life, new career, beautiful women, the whole shebang. I had a good seven year run. Yeah, dude, that's great, man. Seven years, you're a funny motherfucker, you're six foot seven, they probably feel like they're being held by a big bear.
You make them feel safe.
The next thing you know, they're fucking you. I totally see it. Totally see. So anyways, he says, so here's my dilemma. But three years ago, I got off the track and put a lot of the weight back on and haven't had a girlfriend the whole time, mostly by choice. You went to some self-loathing thing. I'm back in the groove now, dropping the weight and getting healthy again. I want to settle down and start something serious with the woman of my dreams, but I still have about 50 60 pounds to work off.
In a perfect world, it would be all about inner beauty and personality and shit. But let's be realistic. A smart, talented, good looking, health conscious woman. It's just not going to settle for a dude who is swinging around bigger tits than her.
You know what, dude, personality goes a long way, but you're 100 percent right when you're talking about the man tits, you got to get rid of a. He says, I suck at casual dating and I tend to get sucked into long term relationships very easily. So my question is, do I wait till I'm in the prime shape again before I start getting serious with anyone? I'm not trying to be perfect, but I'm not looking for perfection, but I just want to be smart about it.
What do you think about their break up?
All right. You have to learn how to not only are you losing weight, but you got you got to learn on a day to. All right. You've addressed that you're a fat fuck and you're dealing with that. You also got a dress that you're your co-dependent and you're fucking lonely.
All right. And it sucks if you're codependent, you're a relationship guy, so it's very easy for you to get sucked into relationships, but. You know, you can't take the first thing that comes down the pike. So what you this is deal, you so know that you get sucked into a relationship. That's what I think that you like. All right. So if I'm going to get sucked into a relationship, I have to look the best that I can possibly look.
So when I do get sucked into a relationship, I got a fuckin, you know, top shelf girl that I'm doing it with.
I don't know. I don't think that that's going to work. Personally, I think you need to learn how to date. Just go out and start dating. And and and why don't you say that I would say that on the date, so where is this going? Just be like, you know what? I'm in a period in my life where I'm trying to learn how to date. What is what does that mean? It means that I'm one of those I'm a relationship guy and I tend to get sucked into relationships.
And next thing, I'm in a relationship with someone, I should just add one or two dates with.
So, you know, I'm not trying to be I'm just being up front. That's where I'm at right now. So I have a list of questions and judging by your answers will depend what there's going to be date number two.
You don't have to say that last part, but definitely you got you got it, you got to come at it that way, man. Just come right out of the gate like that, you know something, you'll get some fucking ass even with your goddamn tits talking like that, you walk into a bar, right? You sit there, you already got a sense of humor. You make them fucking laugh. Some girls eventually going to come walking up to you some mess or maybe some fucking borderline cutie.
They're insecure to, you know, maybe they don't like their fucking ass. Who knows what. Right. They can walk it up to you. So what's your deal? What are you doing? Just sitting there? You know, and you just start talking about there's nothing a fucking bride likes better than some fucking guy who's sitting there who's actually taken stock in himself. Who seems like he's going to start taking life seriously, OK, because they look at us and they see us for the morons that we are led by our dicks playing in mud puddles break and shit acting like a bunch of fucking guerillas.
So when they see somebody who's actually sit there contemplating about where the fuck they're going in life and what they want, they're attracted to it.
Not to mention your six foot seven. They're going to feel safe. And then they got to be wondering, well, is this deck five foot seven, right?
So you just hit him with that line, what are you doing? I'm trying to figure life up. I have to learn how to date and they'll be all over it. What do you mean?
That is easy to have fun. And it's, you know, a fucking hands on your thigh, right. A couple of limes in the Corona's and Xtina, whatever. All right, that's that's what that's what I hope happens for you. All right. The last one here before I wrap up the podcast here, do I have any other fucking above? Let me let's let's fucking try it. I know you guys don't like listening all these fucking ads, but I got to do them here.
All right. Amazon.com, would you like to fucking support this podcast and the Wounded Warriors project? Well, this is all you got to do. Go to Bellbird Dotcom, click on the podcast page and then click on the banner ad, the Amazon banner, and I'll take you right to Amazon. You don't do anything like that. Go on there. Go buy yourself a drum stool or a fucking ladle, whatever you want to do. Amazon kicks me a percentage of whatever you spent, and then I take 10 percent basically of all the advertising that I have on this and I kick it over to the Wounded Warriors project.
So you've helped support this project and the troops. All right. Can you get any better than that? I don't think you can, but I'll tell you what's a close second. Gamefly Dotcom. Oh, what a Segway. What a professional. Basically, go to the banner ad once again on Bill Bergkamp on the podcast page and you click on the banner for your free two disc, two week free trial. Twenty three dollar value. Over 40 people did that last month.
So thank you very much for that. And hopefully you will enjoy the service. If you want a free two week trial, go to Gamefly Dotcom or their banner on my podcast page for your free trial and enjoy all the video games. You can play 8000 video games, a free two week trial. You're out of your mind.
Go buy a big bag of Doritos and a 12 pack of your favorite soda. Because you got 8000 games to play, mister or man, so anything hotter than a fucking chick that likes to play video games, you know, like. Like those violent ones, I don't know what they're called anymore, I had to wean myself off of them Halo and that type of stuff. I don't know, I think it's cool. All right, the last one here, I don't even know what this one's true.
Guys, I hope this is true. I don't know that, but this this this seems too true, too I mean, too unbelievable to be true. This is called threesome says Dear Bill, I was a virgin who never wrote in.
But listen to your listen to you respond to other virgins who wrote in. I am 19. Not exactly old, but who wants to break 20 before blowing your load and a teenage girl.
The remarkable part is that I had a threesome to kick off my new life as not a virgin. See that this guy's trying to make me believe. That right out of the gate. I mean, it can happen, people get called up from the minors their first fucking time, you know, they hit for the fucking cycle, they throw a perfect game. It can happen. But I'm reading this one with a grain of salt. I don't know if this is a listener fucking with me or what, but here we go.
Said I met this girl is still believable. This sounds all right. Then we'll take a vote. Whether you believe this or not, I hope it's true. Anyways, I met this girl. At the beach last summer and ran into her again sometime in July, she was being very flirty and kept talking about her summer bucket list. She said her and her friend had the same goal.
I thought they meant that they separately wanted to get deflowered, not thinking that, hey, everyone is probably not thinking that, hey, everyone is probably getting laid. I figured we were all on the same page. Oh, so you thought that they were both virgins. So week back, I invited to a party my friend was having. She brings her friend and her friend is Hodor.
I start working on her because I'm drunk and on a roll and I'm going for broke. Good for you. Good for you. In fact, at one point another dude came in to interrupt the conversation and I gave him a whoa, you got to you got to raise your hand. What does that mean? He raised oh, right, you've got to raise your hand to come into the conversation. Jesus Christ took his fancy pills, I said he raised his hand and I called him a clown.
Everyone laughed, what a fucking idiot he did that anyways, why wouldn't I think this girl want wanted to bang? Wait a minute, dude, how are you? This fucking cool? He never got any ass before. This doesn't make any sense. You coming off like Billy Ray Valentine here anyways? Well, it turns out her and her friends wanted to have a threesome. I realized this when they both told me flat out that they wanted to. I went for a bill.
I didn't really know what I was doing for the first 10 seconds or so. But after that, it just all made sense. Like when Neal saw The Matrix, I couldn't have done it without the podcast. Let me ask you this.
Do you guys believe that? I didn't know what I was doing for the first 10 seconds, and then all of a sudden you understood, but then he makes a reference to Neo in The Matrix, which is something that a fuckin nerd would do.
I don't know. It's a hell of a story. I hope it's true. Dages, it just doesn't make sense, you're a fucking virgin, you get a threesome the first time without paying for it. You fuck and you have the ball, you're a fuckin virgin, but you had the pitcher making the move of a guy who's gotten laid where you go for the even hotter one, and then you stop the guy from Cockblock and you. You know, I mean, unless you're in, you're fucking the natural.
There's no way how do you have all these skills you never got laid before, I'm calling bullshit on this one. I hope it's true. I hope it's true. I really do. And if it is true, I want to know what the fuck you were drinking. All right, is that the podcast? I don't know if it is. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Stamps.com, I forgot stamps.com everybody stamps.com. If you would like to stop going to the post office, wouldn't it be great if you could stop going there yet be able to do everything that you could do at the post office within your own place of where you live.
Print stamps, have your own scale, weigh packages. Be able to run off a little metered, whatever the hell the box costs. Sorry, I don't have the copy. I think I have it memorized at this point. Go to Stamps.com or type in BRX.
For your free two week trial of Stamps.com. You know the deal, you guys listen to this stuff every week, you have to go to the post office anymore. You just go to Stamps.com, you get you can print out legal postage, you get your own scale. It's wonderful. I send out all my DVDs that whole month of touring that I have. I'm not going to the post office month. I'm going to once I'm going to send out all of my DVDs using Stamps.com.
All right. So there you go. That is the podcast for this week. Thank you guys so much for listening. Thank you guys for going to Amazon, helping me, you know, in actually, you know, helping out the Wounded Warriors Project.
It's it's one of the few, like, wholesome things that I do in my life.
So that's it. Is that how we're going to go out? Do I not have anything else to talk about? I'm going to end on a damn commercial. Why did say thank you? I am over the hour, I've done my goddamn time here. Oh, my battery's down to one little cell there. All right, so it's going to wipe out anyways. All right, so that's it. Please come out and see me in Orlando, Florida.
Charlotte, North Carolina. New York City. Jacksonville, Florida. Cincinnati, Sydney, Australia. I'm going to be on the night of too many stars in New York City. And what else so I don't know what's coming up, that's going to be me the next six weeks eastbound and loaded up and trucking, I'm going to all the white trash fucking cities.
So bring your tattooed titties and your stupid fucking boyfriend. Pull up in your truck with the steel nuts hanging off the back.
Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week.