The McElroy brothers are not experts and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only, so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up? You call me? The not too familiar. Hello, everybody, and welcome to my brother, my brother and me and advice show for the modern era.

I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middle brother, Travis, and I'm your sweet baby brother, Griffin McElroy.

Malcolm Roy Flagg. You did get me on that. You got me all the things you did get me on that one.

So I wanted to start. I you know, I hate to do it, but, oh, I start a little political.

Oh, man. I get you something. Did you say.

But lyrical bullet time for the busked.

Time for Baltic's.

So I did a tweet. There's your first mistake. I did a tweet because I want it because a question I had like a hypothetical question and I needed answers.

Right.

And so I put this hypothetical out to the Internet and it received before voting closed thirty four thousand nine hundred and thirteen replies. Oh, wow, I want to dig into this.

And it got so much of a response. I wanted to dig into this question with you guys and really talk through some of the data.

Did you catch did you get ratio as as the as the teen say? I don't think so. I think it's a ratio of teens are fucking wild about fractions.

I guess I'm Dogg. People always talking about like it. It's just fun. So but they're out here talking about ratios. And Pythagoras, I thought it was radyo like patio.

OK, all right. So here's the tweet. OK, that's the tweet. OK, here's the tweet. I got a new hypothetical. It's going to sweep the nation and add some sparkle to your next zoom.

Happy hour if and here's it. And I want to pose it to you, my brothers.

If you could consequence free spank Donald J. Trump right on his behind on national TV.

Yeah. Oh, would you do it, please? Think wow.

Before answering back.

Think if you're about to start talking. I know you have a thought about you know, I have ass questionmark bear astbury, hand skin.

This data is so data.

I can't, I can't define or limit or definitely do it. That can't shift the parameters of the question for you, this is the question that is put before you.

You might not have more information than any God fearing American, I think is thinking about bare ass, bare hand. I don't think there's anybody who thought about spanking this gentleman with his pants on, not for the stuff he's accomplished.

No, sir. You do deserve a bare ass spanking, you know what I mean?

Say this. You know what I will. I will. Since we're outside the court, let me give you this data. OK, with that with that data.

OK, before we drill down onto your personal responses with that data, the Internet said. Forty four percent of Internet respondents said OK. Oh, 56 percent of Internet respondents said no thanks.

So that's where all that data, that's the data.

I don't know if people thought about it enough because a lot of people were like, I'm I think I'd get some sort of slime disease from his.

But it's like, that's all very funny. Yeah, but I'm trying to well, I'm trying to do research on it, and that's what's going to happen.

Is it funny? Is it funny? It's not that long ago that this gentleman did have the Corona.

And if I said, gentlemen, I meant scoundrel. Here's what I will say.

I got a big old fashioned ILGA and I believe. I could deliver a spanking as such, that it would go beyond embarrassing if I really put my foot talking to it right into a potentially damaging.

OK, you can't this is important because if it if the spank damages the body of the man that is the president of the country, then we are getting into some let's call it questionable legal.

OK, now hold on, Justin, I know you didn't give further details. So I was assuming in this scenario, this is a purely consensual thing where Donald J.

Trump not consensual, then I will be repercussions. Then I will.

OK, then is there going to be repercussions if, you know, you ask the question and now you're not listening to me.

Sir, sir, sir, sir. I did not. I did not.

The energy is just so bad. This is still my time. Sir, if I may, I have to assume he is in some kind of stocks scenario. And this is like been his preordained punishment. And someone said, do you want to go to prison or get a spanking?

And he was like, of course, this swing.

And here I come with my big old Yeah.

Two by nine of a hand or whatever kind of fucking panini that ass I got.

And I come in and he's like, I wish I had picked jail.

This is what I'm saying is I think I could deliver because my butt's a manhole cover now.

I think I couldn't find him in such a way to make his butt concave.

Fuckin Everlong over here just smashed my ass out of like. That's what I'm saying. I think that it would seem like a better alternative for him than whatever other punishment. But then here I come in and shatter his coxing.

But I don't I don't think I don't want to do it if it's if it is the only repercussion that he gets for his, again, many, many bad accomplishments, because I don't like letting him off lightly.

And I also don't know if that is going to be the punishment.

If I should be the one to do it. I can think of many more people who have been more severely affected by his administration than myself. And so I would if given the opportunity, I would almost certainly hand it down to somebody more deserving. Well, you don't have that opportunity.

You literally just have the president right bent over. Right. And everyone and like the nation is watching. Right. The cameras are on.

Right. The Secret Service is like we don't enjoy him.

We'll give you a turn away for like that. Right, exactly. Blondy no repercussions. And like, here's what I would like to say that I don't think he does see it coming. I think he bent over to pick up a dime and his pants fell down.

And there's this. But see, I never this is what's interesting. Author intent. I never anticipated bare ass.

What the. No, see if it's not bare ass chaston. It's not embarrassing. Now I'm just a weirdo who ran up and spanked someone.

That's such a wild thing to say because the you you the nation would have the visual of him getting spanked.

But if it's his bottom, it's like he's a big baby and I'm spanking his big baby bottom. But if his if he's trousered, then it doesn't have the same visual effect.

Justin, are we talking about hitting the president?

You know, that's why it has to be a spanking and it can't be injurious. Spank is a fucking hit dog. I think it's not.

The three of us hold the same opinions vis a vis spanking as being a pretty heinous thing. And it's also it is it is hitting. So we are talking about doing a hit on their kid categories of spanking.

There is consensual spanking between partners. Right. Enjoy spanking one another or multiples. Yeah. Then there is injurious spanking right. Where you are striking another human being with the flat of your open hand. I don't know which one is it that we're talking about. Justin now is spanking or injurious.

I did say now if I could drill in on the language of the question, if you could consequence free, I feel like injury would be a consequence.

Not to me. I didn't say that.

Well, that didn't say consequence for you to have country period to you and the Spank E, who is the president of the United States of America are forty fifth. Donald. What just.

Absolutely. Bullshit's wild because now I am having a neutral but it means I am so lightly touching his bottom that he might derive any either pain or pleasure or in fact it sounds like lasting effect of any kind.

If there's a there's a causal sort of relationship between Travis's huge, huge, huge ape hand swinging. Low, like a like a big golf driver into our American presidents, but and he will feel it, if not, then it's like Travis is a ghost.

Unless Justin is describing an Adam Sandler esque scenario in which he goes down to pick up some kind of dime.

And I'm standing behind him pretending to smack that ass, you know, no, it's more it's more humiliating than that. And he's going to feel it. He's going to feel I didn't say he wouldn't feel it.

I said he wouldn't be injured. There wouldn't be a permanent. But because if I say, would you like to enter the president, everybody on Earth would say, absolutely, I would love that.

But that's not what we're talking. OK, I'm talking about giving the president a big ol spank right on his bottom as hard as you can.

I did as hard as I can. You just said that work as hard as I can.

It's going to be bad for Travis to do it. I did just want to say real quick that I did mention ghosts, but ghosts are famously against spanking because they they just don't stand for corporal punishment. Which way?

Boy. Oh, boy. Yes, I do think so. Griffin. I think we got to make this data. 56 percent of respondents would would would pass on the opportunity to spank the president.

I will say, until I landed on I want to hurt him with my strike. Then my first thought was I do not want to be in the same room.

A lot of that energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just don't I don't want to touch his bad, but I'm, I'm thinking it's not and I don't want to I'm not. I'm body shame anybody. But like I was not high on the list for me.

You know, at any rate, I actually also took a poll on Twitter on the 18th. I asked, irony aside, where are we at on the greatest showman? And I got eleven thousand responses. OK, do you guys want to guess, like, yay or nay what the percentages were?

I it's got to be I'm going to say 70 percent. Yeah. Because America still has a heart. They are the globe I guess in this case has a heart. They got a pulse. They're loving it.

What about you graph. Yeah. I haven't seen the film because it seems so bad.

It was almost completely split down the middle. 52 percent. Yes, 48 percent no. Incorrect.

So more people enjoy unironically the greatest showman than want to strike the president's bottom.

Yeah, I got a Twitter poll out there and it says, bye, guys. I'm off to see Deadpool two in theaters because it has been so long since I did a tweet.

So if anyone ever asks you what is a perfectly like Newt like average neutral movie, it's the greatest showman. It cancela almost perfectly cancels out. Half the people do not like it. Half the people like the greatest showman right down the middle. That's actually was the tagline of greatest showman right down the middle. That wasn't really germane to my intro.

I think he just wanted to change the subject. I did.

I was sick of talking about either it's going to get an American president of a kind.

It's going to get any real quick, given the opportunity, the consequence free with the American people watching.

Is that in the text of the tweet, just in the way you want to do that on national TV, but America has the right to do so.

This is a huge opportunity then, because I'll get on there and whatever, spank his ass or when his bad ass or whatever.

And then when I'm doing it, I could be like, and here's the link to my mix tape and I can say it out loud and catch my brother, my brother and me. Go check it. Macary family dot com. Check out my shows. Should be good for our itude, interviews should be a good, good journey would go on as a result of that.

Yeah, negative three stars are not going to listen to this eye doctor. Skinhead for autodidacts. Exact says snowflake garbage just in.

I kind of feel like I already did smack down on Trump's ass because I voted for Joe Biden early, which I recommend everybody to, you know.

I mean, you can do that, but there's only one spike, you know what I mean?

Yeah, but I spend continue community. I was trying to take whatever this has been and make it get something positive.

Yeah. I'll vote for Joe Biden early.

It's going to be fucking crazy on voting day. Going to get your shit in now. Go in now. Vote for Joe Biden. Don't hit people. Spanking doesn't help raise children by.

But if I have the opportunity. Yes, Justin, I would smack that ass, OK?

I would give just Gordon Biden Tilo keester ago. Why?

Because that's in no way that's gonna be a smack. But that would be a spank of pleasure. Yeah.

No, that's just like a little game, but yeah. Good going. But way to get going to get elected. President Bush go in. But let's go. But let's tighten up those policies just a bit.

But let me let me do the bashing.

If you think about it, there's room to improve. But I'm going to tap your left cheap Joe that tight left. But you follow that tap just to let you know that that's the direction you should be angling towards it.

Joey, he may be a single spanker health care, I mean. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, yeah.

OK, so this is a advice show that runs a little bit political.

Well, we are not going to have an episode next week, the week of the election, so we've got to get all that shit out of our system.

Now, are you go go vote for Joe Biden. And if you care about anything and you can like obviously you're in England, you don't need to hear me.

I get it.

So our man, we talked about Borat, fuck, fuck. Now, that sucks because it's like it's funny it's funny how Borat, by making him relevant again, made him irrelevant to making Borat relevant, is now irrelevant from a comedy perspective.

And can you give us a twenty one? My wife solu just to, like, see that phrase, like off your soundboard.

Yeah, I just play. That's my wife, my wife, my wife, my wife, my wife. It's not 21 at six. We'll do we'll do 15 more throughout the show.

I'm sure I'm going to miss it. It's just not funny anymore.

It's not funny anymore. Yeah. Funny anymore. God, I hope they don't.

Re-route Frazier, please don't take that away.

He's like I know we've said a before and like we would get there like day one in theaters. But please don't please Mike, don't get AP four in theaters please.

But this is an advice show and now I'm. Yeah, it's time to answer a question.

The office I work at is having a Halloween party with a costume contest. Nice prizes for said contest. Our first place gets a month's paid rent. What second place gets a paid vacation anywhere in the continental United States? Fuck.

Third place is you're fired.

Weirdly enough, for every place after third place is just no prize. But if you get it for whatever reason, second runner up hit the fucking bricks, dude.

Now, I don't mean to brag, but I've had some luck with costume contests in the past and have confidence that could win. However, I do not live in a place that charges rent and I'd really love a vacation.

Oh my God, brothers, what costume should I wear to guarantee second place? That's from haphazardly. Happy Halloween.

And this is an amazing, amazing, amazing. That's really so friggin. It feels like a fucking taskmaster challenge. Yeah. Yeah.

Because there's a worry here that if you underplay it too much, you don't play second. Right. Like yeah.

Yeah. I um.

OK, here's where my, here's where my gut is at is if there's somebody in the office who is going to do something like very intricate and very like technical, but maybe not like the most creative thing, but they would feel guilty not giving them first place.

Right. Then you need to clock in just just below that.

So maybe you do like a really funny, clever costume, but not like one that is necessarily technically artistically proficient.

I was thinking the same thing, but here's the trick with that, Griffin is.

Yeah, if the joke ends up landing too well, now you're crowd favorite and it's like, well, it's not it's not as good like technically, but it's bringing the most joy to everybody. I think we know who the winner is.

Well, then you flip it right, then you do the other one. You just got to know your office and know are they going to reward creativity? Are they going to reward the fact that you dressed up like fucking Cambone again for the fourth year in a row way you could go as the fly on pences hair.

Funny, funny feeb right there. That reaction from you guys trumps Jeri's photorealistic transformer's out there.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All right. Here's what I hear. Here's what I got for you. OK, OK.

You need to create an incredibly accurate detailed.

Costume. OK, I'm wearing cheese for this example, Captain Jack Sparrow. So you do the perfect Captain Jack Sparrow look, right?

And then you go into the office the night before and you sleep in the bathroom. OK, OK.

When people come in, they're going to change into their costume in the bathroom. Right. And I need you to keep an eye on them in the bathroom.

Just let them in the bathroom. Is that what you're saying? Keep an eye on people coming and going from the bathroom.

When you see the person who has the best costume, it won't be as richly detailed as your Captain Jack Sparrow costume. Of course, that's important.

They can't naturally beat you, but then you can start to remove items from your costume to get you a lap.

So. Right. So, like, maybe you just are going to remove a few of the beads from your hair. You know, maybe you're going to get the red band, you'll leave the tri corner, but you won't have that distinctive red bandana under the tri corner, is what I'm saying.

Yes, your eyeliner. Get rid of the island. Please don't. You can't lose the island or I'll just be a pirate. Just it's just a bad office.

I mean, like, if you have to lose the eyeliner, it's a bad office that you work in. And you should probably honestly, your answer is you need to find a new job.

Yeah. If no one can beat if you have to take off the eyeliner, like what what are they bringing to this, you know, like what are they even doing now? What you can also do is the day before the party starts talking about what a rough time Jerry's having.

Yes. Yes. Like just spread around.

Jerry's having a hard time. Yeah. You know, he just hasn't it hasn't been clicking for Jerry lately. And then when the contest comes, just keep like pointing at Jerry and nodding to everybody. Right. Or even better, if you win. Yes. Then you're like, no. Yes, I like Jerry needs them not.

Look at that. Very funny. He's look at Jerry's funny cambon cause he's got the red sweater.

You know what kind of year he's having here for first responders.

What what do you see for front line workers, Jerry?

Is not this is a fucking staple. Oh yeah. What are you talking about? Journalists, the truck. Yeah.

But I think we all know that of everyone on Earth this year has been hard at starting salary.

Now, I'm going to challenge your suggestion that Staples employees are not essential workers now more than ever. We're working out of the home and we need mice. We need floor mats. We need Post-it notes.

I don't even know what Toner does, but I don't want to work without it. I want to say thank you to our Staples employees office.

Max, Office Depot. Fuck off.

Yeah, I'm going to Staples. That's right. Now, sorry, I like the stable. Started with one product and expanded from there.

It's bulb is saying that because we don't have a staples in Huntington. Oh you poor bastards.

I know I'm still team hashtag RadioShack. Yeah, but coming back, do you guys want to go.

There's a Radio Shack next and Long John Silvers on Fifth Avenue. You guys know what down there. Yes, yes. Right near the magic wall. I bought some exotic batteries from there at once.

Yeah. Now, both the Long John Silvers and the Radio Shack close, and it's just to abandon fossils right next to each other. It's really a stink. Do you think they're going to come by and lift each other up?

That's what I was going to say, is do you think they could have if they had just made it work?

Like, please see if if if Longinus is it had any fucking foresight, they would have been like, listen, man, I know you're going through a hard time.

You can crash at our building. Just go to the vacuum, come on them on radio.

John check and we are going to treat you two batteries and deep debride batteries. Six million more dollars come Griffin. You know, it does not have any discernible species. Yeah.

Come get this chopped reconstituted fish product and get some free loose wires for gosh, it's going to feel like a monster.

But Long Johns, I've noticed, has been trying to drive past their silo on route sixty one, going to a liquor store and they've been trying increasingly like hifalutin seafood meals.

And the funny thing about it is the the more they aspire, the more repellent it is.

Like the harder they go, the less appetizing it is.

Like when they're like we got we got a lobster roll now like, oh, thank you.

Actually, Ted, I don't think I will be doing that with you right now.

This is the worst point on this show. Yeah. Every time we talk about any kind of fast food, I want it so bad. Now, I would urge on you're acting above your age and fucking launch on Silber's.

You used to be a special fuck. And treat for us on our way to church means it's time we get the Taco Bell, but then like, you know, when we did good grades on our report card, we take it too long. John Silvers gets some it's a free crispy strips.

Sometimes mom would let me once I discovered that I could order a side of crunchy.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, she would do it and then be disgusted with it. I used to love dressing.

You say crunches like do you mean the little bits and bobs of batter that just floated around in the oil for a lot of time. Yeah.

Bob's crunches. I mean, whatever you call them there, you can order aside them. They don't come on down. Long radio. John, check. We got better.

Bob, the battery's dead. You guys on Yahoo! Please stand by. Graham Roback. Thank you to Yahoo! User who is anonymous because they are afraid of me, but I'm going to call them. Davis asks if I can use that fucking name a lot, huh?

Hmm.

If humans had beaks instead of noses, would we still kiss?

OK, so kissing is weird, right? If you think about it.

Are you saying that is Davis saying that Davis is saying that?

I would never say that. You know, I love to kiss. Yes, I do.

But we do it and we like it. But would we even if we had Beeks, how would we kiss then? Why don't birds kiss?

How do you fucking know they don't? DAVIS Yeah, maybe they're just not into tedious. Maybe birds wait until they're at home in private to do their bird smooching and they make up for lost time.

If if you know what I'm playing. Yeah. Maybe birds just don't like foreplay. Maybe just like across the board. All birds are like, listen, if we're smidgin we could be boning.

Yeah, we have hollow bones and we only live for like six days or whatever, Travis, doesn't he.

Wow. Yikes. They don't live as long as we do certainly now.

Yeah. So six days is a pretty good estimate, I think, of their year, which my point is that we as human beings.

Yeah. Could live upwards of I believe one hundred and twelve years.

That's what I'm aiming for. And so we look at every other animals like habits through that lens and we're like, why aren't they about what it's like for, you know, that bird is like, I don't have time for kissing. Are you kidding me? I got ten years, dude, that's possible.

So I there's a thing in this question I didn't notice until just now. And it is if this is the question, if humans had beaks instead of noses, would we still kiss?

Does this presuppose that we would still have our mouths and then instead of our nose, we would have a beak there?

So we'd have a sort of mouth stack?

I simply can't believe that that's true. I find because that crosses into a level of horror. Yeah.

That I believe goes beyond, like, logistically like, could we still kiss yet again? It does say would we still. OK, but yes.

Listen, this is Halloween, baby.

Oh, you could do a kiss with both your mouths at the same time.

Or there would probably be people who would want to flip it upside down, do a little mouth, mouth to mouth to mouth to mouth, sort of sixty nine situation person on bird on elevons.

At that point it's them. They do, they do elevons with the bird mouths that that would be. I feel like that would be bad because your bird mouth would have to eat worms.

Well let me put it this way, Girvan. Let me add another layer to this question. What if you replace human beings noses with bees but beaks that they were not in control of? Would you still kiss?

Oh, so like, I would go in and be like, do you Griffin, you you may now kiss the bride like I have no control over the deep, deep.

Please, please. This is my special day. Please calm down big nose.

But then that's wild because the whole audience for my rad wedding would just be like like you wouldn't go you'd be able to go anywhere with OK, you can also fly. This is no, you can't fly. Well, there has to be some benefit, that's what you can't say no more. No more stinky smells. Yeah, but no more pleasant smells either, Griffin.

And you heard what I said, about 60, 90 with the Burmas, right?

Yeah, that's very good. That was really good. I like you and you could access Grub's and stuff hidden inside of Barn. OK. OK, I would appreciate that.

Well then let's just let's return to the pleasant, less problematic waters of just one big bird mouth.

You're a fuckin if you got a Baldwin, you got an Alec Baldwin from Beetlejuice. No, not not. No, no. What? I'm not talking about a beak. You're imagining like a fucking, like, crocodile ma. That's like a foot and a half long. No, you're at like, zoo Billy Zoo territory.

Yeah, that's like a cube. We're talking like a chickadees beak and not like a like a pelican or something.

Yeah, right. What you said, do you think we would still be like into kissing?

I don't think so. I think we like those sort of pliability of mouth.

I mean. Yes, but I think that you couldn't make this decision for everyone all at once because I think that there will be people who would be way into like I can open my mouth and kiss you like three times as deep. Now, it's like it's like a handshake at this point. We're getting in there so deep.

But I don't think that's going to be the goal when you do your beak, your beak kisses, when you see birds doing that to each other.

Travis there, that's probably a sort of regurgitation situation. Well, I mean, then that seems like to benefit Griffin. I wouldn't want that. I don't think. Hey, can I take you out for dinner? I just met you just.

Yeah. It's hard for me to get past the fact that I don't want to kiss a big bird, but I don't want to kiss a bird.

I'm thinking about that with my human brain, which is attached prosthetic fleshy mouth, right?

Yeah. Now, assume Big Bird has grown up and gotten a job, perhaps hate this Big Bird works.

Let's see. Give me the name of some place someone would work. Griffin.

No, I'm not going to take part in any of this.

I'm looking at Big Bird to get job. You would be unemployed in this economy. Big Bird will be Swede's Big Bird. Got to be a pilot and air traffic control big big bird. Go ahead and bring it.

And he's like, you don't tell me what to do. I'm a lawyer. The skies. You're going to tell me how to fly.

Shut up and turn the radio off and just do his own thing.

OK, so Big Bird has just gotten back from a turnaround trip, flew from Cincinnati to L.A. and then back.

So he's he's not a baby. He's he's he's out across the Atlantic. He's doing the bit, the Big Bird, and he's the Big Bird. You know what I'm saying?

What I'm saying is he came right back because he missed me. Right. And he didn't say he could have had two days over there in Paris and said he was like, I gotta get home to Travis. He comes home and he leans in for a kiss. What am I going to do, not smooch that beak? Yeah.

Came home from Paris, came over. He could have stayed in Paris for forty eight hours. He had earned it. He had flown there. He took the jump seat back. You know how uncomfortable that is.

Weight is this is this pre or during covid. This is after covid is done.

OK, so we've actually gotten through all that. I anything that moves there's cameras over. I don't care. I'll kiss any.

The year is the month is April. Twenty twenty one. That's covid is over officially. Oh.

And Big Bird has returned from Paris and wants that he brought me a baguette and because of the quick turnaround it's still a little warm and healing's. Oh and it's one of those like ham and butter sandwiches that are so fucking good.

And he Cronos here and I'm not I think it's just come on.

And he leans in to give me a smooch. What am I going to do. Griffin kick him out, turned him away.

Got a smidge. But it must be hard.

You don't need to but. Oh but but if Falko Lombardi from Star Fox came around.

Oh, yes, I'm going to oh, I have one option to get us out of this, and that is for me to say. No, get off my back. Come on out of here, guy on the wings of. I have incredible vision, and so I'm the only one on this show you can trust to read this ad copy and tell you the Warby Parker is a great way to get glasses. Take it from me. Warby Parker is offering boutique quality eyewear and a revolutionary price point.

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I got a replacement plate for my router table from Craig. Had to get a new one that fit my Triton router. And because I did one with prejudged holes and I did I mean, I made my own, but I thought it'd be a little bit better fit if I got one that was custom for the for the router.

And I managed to say, well, cash using honey.

Yeah. So that's all it is, is free and you can join it for free today. Join Honeycombs brother. That's join Honey Dotcom brother.

Hi. Are you someone who thinks that when one door closes, another one opens, someone who always sees the light at the end of the tunnel?

If you answered yes to one or both of these questions, good for you. We are not those people. Nope. I'm Annabelle Gurwitch and I'm a you know, that other door opening. It probably leads to a broom closet kind of person.

And I'm Laura House. When I see a light at the end of the tunnel, I assume it's a train headed right toward me.

Laura and I have created a brand new podcast for people like us. It's called Tiny Victories. We're sharing personal, tiny victories or things we've read or seen that inspire resilience.

So if you're looking for a tiny reason to get out of bed each week, subscribe to tiny victories available on maximum fun or wherever you get your podcasts, let's get tiny, bad, bad, bad.

De de de de de de de de de de de de de de de de de de de de de getting on.

And I want a month high above ABAB, but I want like fourteen more to go. Right. Bob, hello. Welcome to my squad. It's podcast of the podcast. Provide the latest greatest in Brand.

There is nothing that you can say in this segment that's going to top you ordering the fried fish Levens that you used to order a box of.

That's true. I do want to say a couple of things I like. Like our friend Lynn ordered the ghost pepper donut that we talked about last time.

It was not bad.

How was the spice? Spicy as you want, but it's a little bit of a spice. It gets you on the back end.

Well, hello now. Did you eat the whole thing? Yes, of course.

LAN appeared to take one bite in back and watch Living Legend lend me all Miranda to Ghost Pepper Donut. It's on our YouTube channel.

His management, his mouth is more valuable than Justin's mouth. That is true. God knows that's dangerous.

This is a this is a bagel notice. Just a bagel alert. Feinstein Brothers Bagels introduces new.

This is really can I say it's like it's give me really fun, you know. I mean, because we could all use something a little bit fun, of course, huh.

Yeah. OK, so I signed Brother's Bagels, introduces you to new party bagels.

Oh. Arriving.

It's like locations nationwide November 12th to share your sweet tooth.

Good times. Can we guess. I don't want to guess. I want to go. I want to start the party. No, it's just party babies frosted just I'll just tell you, it's party bagels, all Einstein Brothers Bagels wants to do is have some fun, just like everyone else this year. Yeah.

And even even it is like obligatory. You cannot announce a new fast food item without saying, like, because of covid. We're just trying to have some fun, OK. Well, so, yes, we're acknowledging the ongoing pandemic in our press release about party bagel's.

The new party bagels are shaking things up, raising the roof of the bagel case, if you will.

Oh, boy. The promise of a sweet indulgence that will bring a smile to faces young and old.

I'm having I'm having fucking fun already. I know it's already really fun on brothers. Bagels had developed two flavors that will make your taste buds sing sweet praises o to to Jesus.

To Christ. There's churro which starts with a doughnut.

You're fuckin high.

OK, that's just drop that in a fucking chemical bath or what's up now.

It's, it's doughnut and they schmeer it in the middle with sweet cream cheese buttercream frosting and coated on top with cinnamon sugar. It will take you back to roller coasters and carnival games.

And then there's I would love to be in the R.A. meeting for Einstein Brothers. Are there like a yeah, but it's just a dance like.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But get this. Yeah, we call it a Baykal.

Well it's a it's not a donut, it's a party big. Oh that's good. That's good. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. They'll never know. We better not call it a donut in the press release. Oh yeah. That would be a big fuck.

Yeah. Chocolate birthday cake starts with a donut huh. Nice. And schmear in the middle with chocolate buttercream frosting glazed with chocolate frosting and topped with confetti sprinkles. Yeah.

If it isn't your birthday it will feel like it is. So that's right friend. Now you can have the visceral thrill of spending your birthday at Einstein Brothers bagels or even better at your house in lockdown, eating a donut by yourself.

We wanted to bring there's a quote from Chad Thompson, head of culinary innovations at Einstein Brothers Bagels, which in this case is selling donuts is the culinary innovation here.

We wanted to bring a bit of fun to the breakfast table party. Bagels are a sweet treat done the Einstein brothers bagel.

The whole family will love it.

Some guys it's donuts. Yeah, I don't know. It's just it just feels like if you're if your company is going to be called fucking Einstein in the name of it, you're when you do things, when you make brand choices, they got to be smart in some way.

Fucking Einstein would never look at a bagel and be like, what is this, some sort of party donut? I got it backwards. But you get the point. It does, it does OK, it does imply that up till now, every all of the baseball has been like what's been worked, bagels and business, bagels, business.

It's a it's been business or no. No, it wouldn't be business. Doughnuts. Yeah, business doughnuts, business doughnuts. Write business down as party back.

Yes. I heard you were discussing doughnuts. Right, cool. He's back. Hey, hello.

It's a pleasure to be invited, but it gets me a countdown, the countdown.

And I'm not really plugged in to social anymore, so I don't really know how our fans felt about your occupation.

Only thing they could discuss was that Justin's compression things were wrong. Then his said, OK, well, but that should be.

What does it sound like with the Transylvanian accent when you say nonplussed?

I think everybody loved me. And I'm here not with doughnut's news, although you have something to me by discussing.

I'm sorry. It's actually your counterparty bagel now. Yeah.

Counterparty Bagel is here to tell you about the new innovation from Hine's, OK.

From ketchup, deep fries as vampire fangs to hot dog fingers dripping in ketchup, for years, fans have used Heinz ketchup to add deliciously convincing blood to their Halloween celebrations.

I'm salivating. All right. It's ketchup. Yeah. Has anyone done either of those things?

Now, the fourth is sure to be a different kind of Halloween celebration.

The brand is debuting Heinz tomato, blood, ketchup. What to contribute to the spooky, funny way, huh?

I'm going to be sick.

Fans have had to navigate a lot this year, and Halloween is no exception, said Jill Belhaven, the president of Catch Up, making the obligatory reference to the current agreement in the context of Heinz tomato. Does it does that sentence?

And with and we're just going to throw this fucking thing on top of the pile. Hey, you've already dealt with so many other things. What's one more thing? Bludge.

I hope that with that for many, many reasons, that the pandemic doesn't go on for a long time because it would reach a point where in these press releases like the second paragraph would just start with, you know, so are are you as soon as we lick this thing, do you know that we're going to have a good two years at a minimum of just like we're back, our doors are open family, community that we can lick the counters again, lick the counters, baby.

It's Hardys like Enron stock. Now you eat the hamburgers from our hands. Thank you.

First responders front line workers comp buyoff fucking Shelvey with Heinz tomato blood, ketchup.

We wanted to give families a fun way to go big with their spooky celebrations, even if they look a little different in twenty twenty.

Hey, show me. Fuck you seriously. That story in one quote, we get that things are bad. What were you saying about ketchup? Thanks for the reminder, though, about the ongoing pandemic. The limited edition, both roles are filled with delicious, thick, rich Heinz ketchup.

Friends know with love in a spooky Halloween themed bottle that even vampires with envy guilty as charged.

Just to clarify from that sentence, you just said it's just regular ketchup in the bottle. But this is the different label.

Yes. Trevis, the Heinz ketchup company, is distract you from 200000 plus Americans dead of covid by putting a different sticker on the ketchup. This should fix it, right?

OK, I mean, spirits are lifted for the last minute and a half.

It's sort of occupied a majority of my brain space. So I guess I do have to think about that.

I can't wait to sink your teeth in the Heinz tomato ketchup from now until October.

Thirty first that the 11, 59, B, C, D, t, it's fun that they have to specify their time zone as if you're waiting until within the last two hours.

Good to get in there. They're giving away five hundred and seventy bottles of Heinz tomato ketchup to those who participated in a tick tock hash tag challenge luncheon Friday, October twenty third.

I guarantee you that the original amount was fifty seven and they thought that's done and now that's not enough bottles of enough.

And now five hundred and seventy that will fix the ongoing national melee.

Count Count Party Donut. I got to tell you, a great new part of the I believe party base. I see in my mind the Einstein brothers have succeeded in making these two. It's completely interchangeable. But if this doesn't do it for you can't party bagel. You can get the Ed Sheeran one that looks like his arm and then you can just chomp right into that, imagining that you are draining the viscera from beloved singer songwriter Ed Sheeran.

This promotion started on October twenty third. Can I ask our tick tock correspondent Travis McElroy to check for Heine's Halloween hashtag video?

I've already seen it count. It's been on everything and I can honestly say and none of them have had anything to do with condiments of any sort. People are just slapping that shit on their twerking videos or whatever.

Are they talking about the little kids? You know, that's the thing that I maybe there's a bottle present just off screen, but I have been scanning every inch of those twerking videos looking for ketchup, and I see nothing.

Well, there's a little sticker, by the way.

I had wanted to quickly describe it. It says Heine's Tomato Blood. On it, I'll take these that help your family celebrate Halloween, but it doesn't hurt, that turned things around in the freezer at the bottom of the list.

I just wanted to mention one more thing before I disappear into the night, I can confirm that only the juiciest, ripest tomatoes were harmed in the making of delicious Heinz tomato blood, ketchup growth. Why is that the line that took it too far for Mochan perforates? Yeah.

Now I think they are trying to. That's an asterisk. I think they're trying to clarify that the product contains no blood, but that's good that they cleared that up.

Good. It's good that the only way I have to go first, let me know if I need to get in to help distract you from the ongoing covid 19 here.

Unless, Miss, you count promising to. What you get out, it just go. Well, are you sure, because I know you need to know the sun's coming up. That's OK. I just glistened in the light. No, it's there, but there's a it's a high heat combined index. Is that cricket's hair is terrible, that he makes the worst bat noises when he. Yeah, it's really unpleasant. I was doing something else and then I heard the play and had left.

Yeah, yeah, no, I was sitting in the chair opposite just staring at you. Yeah, he's under his thrall. Do you want to Yahoo! I want to do this next question. It's not the kind of question we normally do. And I think we can knock it out pretty quick, OK.

At what point does an aquarium become a zoo? The aquarium near me has three slots, which I never thought was weird until I was talking to a friend about it and she thought it was super weird that there were land, animals and birds at the aquarium. How many land animals is too many land animals for an aquarium? At what point does it become a zoo or is there a midpoint where it is a zoo? Aquarium. That's from Elizabeth from Maryland.

How? The only thing I have to go on for this one is the Austin Aquarium, which I think I've talked about on this or other shows before, is a blighted sort of hell zone.

It's the worst building is an old sort of TJ, Max, that they crammed a bunch of sick old turtles inside and then they started to put kiddie pools full of fish that they bought it Petland in there too.

And then they threw in about a trillion parrots. And then for good measure, they were like, let's get some lemurs in there baby, and put them in the lobby. So it greets people in our fish zoo. But then people come in and little girl sticks her hand and does get bit and then the parents are like, we're suing you. And they were like, the lemur was not vaccinated. And the parents were like, we're wicked to you a lot.

Now, I think that you can I think aquariums should have fish and zoos get everything else.

Yeah, just let them. Yeah, just let them keep keep everything else.

It seems like there's no there's so many kinds of damage.

All this loss in the birds are always swimming around.

That's cute. You don't give them tolan's. That's cute.

I do like that. But that way you never let them get out of the water because that's the turnaround rate on those sloths. Travis is going to the overhead.

Oh, your sluff in money is your sloth budget's going to really break the bank.

I'm worried you give them a rock, but slowly it gets hotter and hotter while they stand on it. I see. So now it's a satrap.

Now, this isn't even funny because this is horrible animal abuse. What is this horrible? It's horrible. Terrible.

I think there's so many different kinds of things that live in the water.

Right, that it's more than we know about. Join me as we journey through the Blue Planet.

It's not. It's part of our planet, the oceans, not a different planet. It is it's a different planet where the fish in the Mirman live.

I hate that when David Attenborough was like, there's another world below the surface of there's not that there.

Our water, just all American water. Was that your impression of me? David Attenborough Because it sounded like my impression of Dracula.

I'm saying the pivot from. Having Dracula here done at Dracula, sorry, pretty big old Dracula here in my office to having David Attenborough in the office. I was a bit of a it was a bit of a problem here. Do you have any questions about fish? Have you ever been to. Yeah, I'll bite. Not a Griffin.

Shut up. This is a huge opportunity. All right. Yes. I was going to get I mean, I was going to ask him a question. I'll go for it. Yes. Sorry. I thought you were dismissed.

Oh, David, have you ever been to the Austin Aquarium, David? It's quite great.

Yes, I own the Austin Aquarium and I didn't appreciate the slander you were talking about.

Can I do feeback? Do you do feeback? I didn't see a feedback box. Maybe I could do it here. OK, I saw a turtle trying to climb over a rock, but it flipped upside down.

And it was also sort of the show, but no one did anything about it.

That turtle has to learn self reliance.

Hey, David Carr bother you about the Usted Aquarium first? Of course.

Don't you think it's kind of confusing to have a young woman dressed as a mermaid doing face paint here in a place that is about the undersea life?

Do you think that's just just now? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You said dressed as I have to disagree with you, that she is an actual mermaid.

OK, but what about the one that I did see during face paint that was dressed up as onna from frozen? Uh huh.

That is all of that is set under water. It's not. DaiShin is an underwater movie, Dave. It's not. No, it's above.

What am I thinking of in Little Mermaid is the only one that springs to mind him. You saw him OK. I think I love that one with the crab.

Why didn't you, like, vaccinate the lemur, though?

But I tried to. Neelima said he didn't want it and then he said, I'd like to move it. Move it, which I really appreciate.

I said, I'll give you I'll let you buy on that one.

I would forget, too, if I saw the lemur doing a cool dance.

OK, now I have to go. I will mount up on my dragon and away we go.

Oh, sorry, David. If you could come back to Earth, what's that got left? Tell me what was said.

Was that the sound of your dragon or the sound of you communicating with your dragon in the dragon time?

Well, don't be a fucking idiot. Just did. Of course it was me speaking to my dragon. He says to me telepathically, and you see him through the door, it's a one way telepathic link, read a book.

All right, boy, sorry, that sounds a bit different from your other word, Justin.

That was me saying, can you believe this fucking guy? And he he telepath back.

Yeah.

A real jag that's going to the judge. Your dragons. I honestly barely does. Yes.

No, Justin, he says he went to fifth grade with you. Are you still here or are you flying on?

I keep calling us back with your inane questions. Now I'm going to ride this dragon into space.

All he did say he found all the earth animals. So he's going to look for other ones.

I mean, he's going to die up there as soon as he gets out of there.

That last salad translated to if I've picked up a little bit of dragon tongue, I think of that last sound translated to we're going all the way to space, baby.

That's right, Papa. David don't need no more oxygen. I'm good.

I miss them. I miss them, too, and I miss our listeners who sadly have to depart from us now that we've completed this episode of my brother, my brother and me, we've had just to who we hope you're hanging in there.

I hope you're feeding all your worries and cares to the anxiety alligator who will chomp him up and swallow them down and whisk them away so you don't have to stress about them any more and just try to hang in there pals and go vote for Jesus Christ.

Ashley, I hear y'all in Texas are trying to trying to pull off a sneaky. We're doing your job.

Don't tell them only only tell folks who are down with it with Joe and his tiphanie. Just get out there and punch in the thing for just Tiphanie and let's ride this baby to Blue Town and fucking embarrass that the spanker, this manque is going to be.

I can't wait for November 3rd when y'all are like no one in Texas has turned blue. Number two, there is a basement at the Alamo. We are so sorry that we were not truthful about that.

Thank you to John Rodrik and the long winters for the U.S. theme song. It's a departure off the album, Putting the Days to Bed. Great tracks and tunes on that one. Lots and lots of premium cuts on that one, thanks to maximum fine for having us on the network.

I just want to tell you about two great MacAvoy podcasts that maybe you're not listening to. First, there's one that my waitress and I am doing where we are talking about the new season of Great British Bake Off. It's called Back On Find It On Your iPod Catchphrase.

And we also put it up on our YouTube channel and also BSD, which Griffin and Justin do with Russ FESTAC and Chris Plante. This week. They talked about spooky games, which I thoroughly enjoyed.

But you guys didn't talk about the one with the sanity meter was on Dreamcast or was Game Cube. It was Eternal Darkness.

And I did talk about it with thank you for listening to my favorite podcast, one of my favorites. I mean, I enjoy several. I just want to tell you what's great. Marcellino, you're right. I'm trying to get the October pin of the month, which is the tiger on the table pin designed by Sam Shults, which benefits the Marsha P. Johnson Institute and the Sylvia Rivera Law Project. But you can still get that sawbones. Horseshoe Crabs Sherds.

The Candlelights Ornament. Zimbabwean Doyel, the Candlelights Wrapping Paper by Justin Gray. The jump scare pin, the thanks for Vibing and Keeping It Tight T-shirt. All of that and MacAvoy Match.com. You can preorder our new upcoming podcast book. Everybody has a podcast except you which will teach you how to make a podcast that you are proud of. You can preorder that at the McElroy podcast. Bookham comes out January 26, 2021.

We put jokes in that, by the way, if even if you don't want to do a podcast or read a book that we wrote, like it's we put it, it's good, you'll like it.

You can also preorder the Adventure Zone Crystal Kingdome Book four of our graphic novel series at The Adventures Own Comic Comic-Con that comes out July 13th, 2021.

Do you want a Yahoo! Final one? Yeah, this one was sent in by Aaron. Thanks, Aaron. It's Yahoo!

Answers user anonymous guy.

Oh, I'll call them Legion. Legion asks. Would you think that Dame Judi Dench might occasionally visit this royalty category and offer an answer under an alias?

Yeah, absolutely. There's no way she fucking doesn't. My name is just I'm Travis Mack.

Or am I? I'm Griffin. I'm Griffin. Denise McElroy. RadioShack has been my brother. My brother, my dad. Scrub the lips. Maximum fun dog comedy and culture, artist owned, audience supported. We interrupt the podcast. You're listening to to tell you about another podcast. That's right. We got this with Mark and how that's correct. Mark, this is how we do the hard work for you, settling all of the meaningless arguments you have with your friends.

So tune in every week on the maximum fun network for We got this with Mark and Hal and all your questions will be asked and answered. You're welcome. All right. That's enough of that.

He got this.