The McElroy brothers are not experts and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only, so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up? You call me? Hello, everybody, welcome to my brother, my brother, main advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.

I'm your man. Let's bring in another photograph as my boy.

Good evening. Oh, no. OK, please be seated. I think I got to say thank you to my team. Uh huh. Wow. And I want to say thank you to everyone who worked so hard on this campaign, this effort, if felt like.

Me, Griffin, McIlroy, the youngest brother, wasn't even like one entity because our hearts had merged, but as we all know, it was looking good there in the beginning, but things started to change colors, which is confusing to me. And so I do. I am afraid I am here tonight to concede my presidential bid. And I did my I wanted to say out there, I love my wife and God and my son, my kid.

And I just I work so hard, but I've Beane's it didn't happen this time around.

Mr. Macary. Travis MacRay of the Travis MacRay Monthly.

Yeah. What party were you running with?

I didn't hear a lot about party party, rock party. Rock anthem. The party where random party or is it is called party rock anthem. Have you heard the song? It's not it's not called party rock anthem party, is it? That was your political party, was the song. Next question. This is next question. Yeah.

Your promise to send every American. I'm sorry. Please introduce yourself. Oh, hi.

This is Justin McIlroy from Quebec. Your you said that you were going to send every American family one hundred thousand.

And I have it here in my notes. Hold on one second. I've been too great, Wolf. Lodge gift cards together, right?

One hundred thousand macaronis, you said? Sure. Yeah.

I was surprised that people didn't give me more votes for that because that's a considerable sum of money.

And I, I listen to the words of my good dear friend, Andrew Yang, because you know me, I'm fucking deep in the Yang Guang and the Cain train. So those were sort of my guiding lights. And he was like, let's give everybody a basic income.

And I was like, let's give everybody 100000 American dollars. A follow up question.

Travis McIlwraith Base Camp. Yeah. Were you actually going to ever do that? Next question, ma'am. I was going to I was going to stop war, I was going to not do I wasn't planning on doing war. Yeah, you said you weren't planning on doing war anymore. Yeah, I didn't want to.

It's I thought about it for a while and like, I get it, I you know, you see Black Hawk Down Zero Dark Zero, Dark Thirty, Avatar, Avatar, The Last Airbender.

By any chance you see like all these military flicks, you're like, fuck, yes, call to duty another big one for me.

And of the call of duty.

Yeah. You see, those are like, fuck, yes.

But then you think about it and like, it's really just a lot of people hurting.

So I wasn't going to want going to do that one, apparently. I thought that was another hot ticket item.

But hi, Steve Kolonaki here, MSNBC. Hi. Hi. I've been moving some of these numbers around and I have a hold on.

Yeah, OK. Yes, this is if you look up here where Griffin's opponent, Mr. Peanut, currently has fifty thousand votes and Griffin had eight. But if you look at these percentages, the right these ballots are coming in. Griffin, I think there's every chance you are going to pull through with a a very viable performance here against Mr. Peanut.

And let me tell you this, regardless of how this goes, I'm going to take this.

Wait. I'm going to take I'm sorry. OK, go say it again. OK, that was my producer. I'm sorry.

I was actually getting some incorrect information. It's actually down to seven now.

Oh, he lost the vote. You lost one vote.

You pick up a bunch. He actually lost.

Well, like I was saying before you interrupted me, a political guy. So think about that. I was saying I'm going to take this case to the extreme court, which is the next which is the one higher up.

Here he goes.

I'm going to take the one where you and Mr. Peanut are going to shred against each other right now.

Can we get this kind of fuck out of here? High crimes is very different crimes, but he's a bit I'm going to take this to the extreme court because he's a fucking baby. I'm sorry for cussing.

I know I'm on MSNBC, CBS and all the big ones, but he's a baby court, the one where all disputes are settled via phone jousting rods like an American Gladiators. Yes. And then we have to do the why?

I made a joke like that and you kicked me out of your press conference. Well, because you phrased it wrong. Oh, fuck. Sorry, I can't. I know we're on the media. We're on TV. I think that.

But that one's not going to win me any Rust Belt votes now.

Sorry, Travis. My brother Travis about right. Yeah. Now that you have conceded, would you accept another position in the administration?

Well, I didn't quite concede, did I? I didn't say it, did I? Oh, do you concede that?

Oh, a little mystery. Yeah. So.

Oh, that makes you very intriguing now. Now, I think you're very attractive because of this mystery you've created. And I'll tell you. I tell you. Yes. Excuse me. Justin McElroy interrupting the political guy again.

So think about how sorry I am attempting to abstract this bit so it doesn't become so pointed as to become in poor taste on Monday, since we have no idea if my day will ever come.

A point at this junction, at this particular junction now have just Travis MacWhite interrupting Justin Macary interrupting the political guy.

Yeah.

Candidate Griffin, do you think that the gargoyles of the Gargoyle cartoon fit into the whole of the fighting mutant animals with ABS genre, or are they separate kind of entity?

Well, if you read my policy platform, you would know that I do categorize the gargoyles right alongside the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and the same repeats of cats.

So you include the biker guys from Mars and the Mighty Ducks in there, sir. Go to my website. Go to my website, which I won't say out loud, because that means Justin will have to buy another website. But go to my website and you'll see where I stand on Big Pepita Borgs if you a move.

Mesa.

Yes. Excuse me, I. Excuse me. Justin MacAvoy. Is my brother, my name is Travis McElroy. Oh, no, I don't know much about pot. What is the Rust Belt? I would really like to ask.

Right. Right. So there was a long time ago. I'm so glad you asked this question. I'm so fucking glad you asked this. What's your name, old guy? Why are you asking me my name? Yeah, what's troubling you?

It's Travis Macary, my brother. Just Imakura. I, of course, knows what the Rust Belt is like. I, I didn't know how to ask.

Don't tell me. This is such a smart little question guy.

And I'm proud of you for asking it.

I'm a lawyer, so please don't talk down to me. OK, so anyway, back in the day there was a few states. That did a lot. Of blacksmithing. Mhm, but it rained, didn't it? What states would you say those were the upper ones, Mr. Walker, if you could just name some of the states in that Rust Belt?

Oh, sure to here I feel pretty certain Michigan.

But Michigan is on the border, Bill. It's on the border of the country.

So what kind of belt could that be?

A hot it's a rust hat.

And I guess it unsoundness has got to be in the middle. That's why Florida is called the big issue. And that's great by Bible Belt. That makes sense because it's a belt around the pants of our Florida penis. Yeah.

And that's why California is called the fanny pack. It's right there on the hip. That's where it fits in.

And that's why we call, you know, the Dakotas and Iowa. That's the that's the bread bowl. Do you think it's embarrassing that you can eat that right up when you're done with your with your soups?

Yet another MacRay brother here, which one harassing what. Which one? Yallop I Gilette Macaroni.

Do you think it's embarrassing that apparently Charleston, West Virginia, which is just 40 miles from our hometown, is apparently part of the Rust Belt and you were not on this fact?

You find that embarrassing?

Just Charleston, though. Not Huntington. No, no, no, no.

We didn't make it. I've had production at one point.

OK, well, I didn't not say it wasn't. So I do concede and I'm done.

But now. But but catch me. But catch me out there on the train.

Campath you're you're retreating to your original campaign slogan, which was I did not say it wasn't or I 20-20 exactly.

I don't like the idea of it just being separate towns like sprinkled around because that sounds like rust freckles.

Sure. I'm just saying these two fucking guys are up there like I know you and I'm over here like chilling.

So I guess where do you want to where is your loyalties lie.

My name is Griffin Macara. I approve this message. I unconceived come and get it. Oh come on, get it. That's the new slogan. Come and get it.

You're one hundred thousand dollars. I'm going to take the all the health care away. All the health care is going to go away. But guess what? I'm also going to get rid of all illness. Wow, everyone will be invulnerable. Hi, Charles. Microdrive is my grandmother. I've decided to throw my hat in the ring and now I'm running to get on it and then get out. OK, thank you.

All right. Excuse me. I'm getting on stage. I'm a political guy now, and you can't interrupt me. You can't talk to us political guys like that. And now is a political guy. I'm willing to give every American family one million dollars if they can me if they can find me. Oh, yeah.

Rat race.

I've given you all the clues. This guy rules. Now you'll have to find me second place. Get to Jelly Belly Factory that I do not own. All right. Third place, big smooch.

Oh, it's. But it's now it's good. The momentum's gone. I feel like.

Well, depends on how much you value a smooch. So right now, I guess, Justin, you're the only person in the room vote I excuse me. My name's Roger Dunkin's. I built that satija. Still, it's not rated for two people are.

No. Oh, God. Oh, no. Oh, oh, oh. Why did we build this? Oh, God Almighty at hand. Jesus. Oh, you got me.

What a whoopsie, right? Do you guys ever see when Kelsey Grammer did one of those? Oh, yeah. Oh, that's my Norvig collapse of the state.

So bring in Niles Crane up on the know. That actually is what happened. He fell off the stage and then he was so angry he smashed that.

My new policy platform, I don't think I'm a room with in twenty twenty four point twenty two, I could do a Senate.

One is that that one time that Kelsey Grammer fell off the stage, I refused to let this degrade our great institution of my brother, my brother, me any longer.

You guys ever thought about doing the Senate? I've thought about doing this. I'm not talking about politics anymore. I might be a good senator.

I have to prove to myself that my brain can process information that is not about politics, probably not for reference.

My friends try to flashback this to Friday, November 6th at 251 p.m. Here's how distracted we are by what is happening in this world right now.

We did it.

And you are listening to this after Travis on my birthday, that we should not make the opener about that. And now it's too late. Now we're still special birthday boys, though, right?

Oh, we're not with politics and we fucked up. All right. OK, yep.

And I was and I was turning 29 and I'm wink three wink, wink, wink.

I'm a whoa.

Well, give me all your jelly beans and rice has jelly beans mister.

OK, recently while my roommate was away for the weekend, I executed a crafting endeavor which required me to stick my recently purchased silicone kitchen tongs into a melted bath and Bodyworks candle.

I wash them afterwards and put them back where they belong. A few days later, when my roommate was back, I made some dinner for the two of us using the tongs and the entire meal tasted faintly of this candle.

Woop, woop. They do. I don't think my roommate noticed otherwise.

He has said something. I'm at a crossroads.

Do I tell my roommate about what happened and replace the brand new tongue, or do I keep them and continue to have my meals? Tastes like mahogany. Coconut.

That's shameful campaign. What's wrong with this fucking rules? Because I'm imagining this is a sort of performance art where it's like, hey, has anybody seen my Neutra bullet? Has anybody seen my slap chop? I really don't want to mess with these onions right now. And you can be like, oh, that I did dip it in guac for art.

Yep. Now you don't have it. I miss it. I know. And that's an emotion. So technically we did art question.

Ask her. You've given us very limited information about the project you are working on. All we really know is and I'm going to use this word with quotation marks around it, it required you to dip your tongs into a candle. Not doing that, not doing that wasn't an option. Had to be done.

So what was what were the following steps? Did you put something in the candle you were trying to retrieve?

Or was this like a you know, when you stick your hands in something now, they were dipping something into the wax to coated in wax and they were getting it out with the tongs because they didn't plan ahead.

And I know what that's like, but that's like, oh, Susan's project before I use my my silicone silicone.

What, you know, which one is it? We don't know. A rubber basting brush to spread wood glue.

It's a great way of wiggle around except peels right off and but that's the only one I had and I had to spread some butter on Delicious something and I was a little bit embarrassed because is the one that I had used to spread wood glue, but it was fine.

Wait, how is it. Fine because here I am. Fine just right here. Hey, here I am. Some of his inside parts are pretty good together, pretty stuck together.

I got a few miles on the odometer on our car. I found I'm doing fine here.

Investigators, I made it to forty probably. OK, how about that. So your point about being fine is that you're still kicking.

And so maybe I'm kicking and punching. I'm doing everything. I'm just. No, it's not going to slow me down.

Age isn't just a no. Just to point out is the amount of time you've been on. It's counting something. It's just a no.

I'm worried just more about like in the future if you have to have like an appendectomy or something like that and the doctor's like, got you open is like, oh, there's a little naughty boy.

And they go to pull it out and say, oh fuck, is this thing's glued. Yeah, this thing's glued to his ribs. Where's the appendix. Nobody is glued to the ribs.

It is now because of pull it out and it kind of bring back in.

Yeah. You know. Do you want to yahoo. I'd love that. Well what to do with these tongs. I put them in heat.

They throw these tongs away. You're never going to get these towns away.

Save these are these are your art tongs. Now there are tongs. Put them aside. Get some new tongs. I'll give it as I get it.

New pair of the surprising, if your roommate with a little ribbon on it and they'll say, why did you do this is you don't want to know the answer to that question, but just appreciate that you can't do it, Johnson just said, because it'll make it sound like he used the old songs for a sex thing that would play a mind.

We don't know they're using candle wax. We don't know that it wasn't. This is absolutely true.

But if you say to your roommate, I'm sorry, you can't use the tongs anymore and I can't tell you why they're not going to them in a candle, assume the worst.

Yeah, I guess you could like it's fruit.

You can use them for grill and corn, but it is also a sort of makeshift speculums.

Cichlid, appliqué. Yeah. No more getting you to own those aircraft tongs.

Now, do you guys, I think this is a pretty universal thing we had for about an hour and a half, two pairs of scissors.

And one was I don't know how to put this, but like not raw meat scissors. And the other ones was raw meat scissors. But we got those and I was all stoked and I put them in the scissors drawer. And then the first time that I needed to open a packet of bacon, the raw meat scissors were gone. And I was like, well, non raw meat scissors.

Today you will be baptized in pig fat. And I'm also sorry, I don't want to brag.

I got three pairs of scissors, raw meat, scissors. I have normal kitchen shave. I got the sharp boys. Oh yeah.

When you need the shirt and you need that cleaned zip, don't you hate when you see your kids using the sharp boys for crafts paper.

Please don't do that. That's for chicken.

No them's my shop boys. We got this question. Stand by. So many people and it's not the I. It's weird because it's not usually the kind of question we do.

It's almost a this is almost a back door. Riddle me pass. Oh. So yeah, I know Travis would be excited. It's from Yahoo!

Answers user Riley who asks. How to fill a water bed quickly and then in parentheses, no hose. Oh, OK. The situates the situation.

My roommate is currently out of town for the weekend and his visit. Whoa, weird. Isn't that what the last actual question started? Yes.

I have a pair of tongs that a candle. What can I do?

My roommate is visiting her family for her birthday as a thoughtful gesture.

I thought I would get her a used waterbed for her birthday, as she stated several times, that she wants one more thing. I fail to realize, however, when purchasing the behemoth queen sized waterbed is that it doesn't come prefilled. I am now stuck. I'm now stuck with a large plastic sack sitting on my living room floor. My roommate is coming back in two days and I have no idea how I'm going to get this awful mistake filled before she gets home.

How do I mend this terrible soggy situation to explain it to her and live with the shame of my aquatic misery? Or is there another solution? This almost sounds like a Bambam question.

The answer is obvious. What? No house, no house, no home, no house, no homes. I know you're going to buy a second waterbed that's full of tape them together and then jump on the full one so that it fills the empty one boom.

OK, next question. Take not bad.

Actually, you take it, but can I ask you a question about practicality, huh?

What's wrong? Well, yeah, once you've but excuse me, once you bought a full water, yeah.

You get to why you're that the job is done. No, no, because no one knew where to buy full waterbeds. They probably would have done that.

The one you bought isn't cool.

Well, no, the one that they bought was used. Right. And so they got that for a song.

If they got a full waterbed from one of these big, big box waterbed stores, they could take it to their house.

They paid an arm and a leg for it. They really just need the water.

So they do the sort of blood transfusion and then they bring back a washed up, empty garbage bag of a bag and they say, I don't want this anymore. And they'll say, what happened to all the water that was in it? And you say you say evaporated. You say desert. You say Desert Bandits. Yeah.

Can I just say that I've gone Mad Max Desert Mad Max Sensitizer Bandits came to my house. Drink up all my damn water.

I went I witnessed them. Yeah. I saw one of my own two dry eyes. I just want to say if I bought a used waterbed and it came with used water, that would be probably the worst.

Probably the worst, because I don't know what that water has seen or heard.

Well, water can't see or hear anything.

And I feel like the microbes in water, they know where have you been because where water does not have a memory, no matter what frozen food fucking Olofsson says it does so, but it is water proof.

And that goes both ways, Trav. So that water is not coming out. If you you could do the nastiest jazziest sort of scenario on there. Oh, and it's not going to it's not going to get in the water bed. So water bad water is fine. Once it's in there it's fine.

That is a good way to store water for the apocalypse. If you think about it. Makes you sink or I'll put it in there then last year, a couple of days at least.

Yeah. So I think that's just a tip from me to you. Yeah. Thank you. The stuff I'm just saying, keep rice on hand, but keep it in small bags so that writers don't know how much rice you got those fucking days.

I see your big barrel of rice. They're going to know that they need to steal from you whatever.

They're going to say that bad in their eyes. They're going to go below. They're going to go wild for you.

Maybe just fill that water with some rice all too waterbeds, one with water, another one with poison water.

And so it's good and the bad.

I guess you could just have one with poison water as long as you don't drink, man.

But here's another question. While grocery shopping with my mom, I started feeling chilly from the blast, a fall AC. I remarked jokingly that I could go to the clothing, I'll wear a jacket for the rest of our shopping trip.

She looked at me, offended and chided me for this idea. But the more we discuss it, I started to think it was a genuinely good solution to my chattering teeth.

Her arguments were I raised you better.

You don't know who else wore it. And it's dishonest brothers. When things are safer, would it be acceptable for me to wear a jacket without the intent of purchasing it? Was my mother right to dissuade me. That's from shivering sister in Florida, I think.

OK, this is. I like this. You're just bringing right into it. This is like it's so rare that we apologize. Get a good question.

And I really need to think, well, what I like the reason I'm jumping into it is the mother has presented three counter arguments that I feel like we can discuss. And right off the bat, let's start with number one.

I raised you better. Clearly not.

You did not. Proof's in the pudding. OK, second one, someone else could have worn it. Now, I can't deny that, but what are the odds? Because it's still hanging up in the store. Well, that's doesn't mean anything.

I mean, could is the operative word here. I think this argument has to stand. Someone else could have worn it.

But that's true of my jacket hanging in my closet. Exactly. It's fact.

Yes. So we will dismiss it on those grounds.

OK, finally, it's dishonest, man.

Now, this is the nut, isn't it, huh? I cracked up in this white chocolate Eminem and here's the nut inside.

Hmm. It's not though it's not that I used to hiding it. I used to really, really wrestle with this because we all have those old demons.

We all have we all had dark passengers, our little just our little imps and pixies riding around inside of our mind trying to make us do stuff that we don't want to do. And sometimes, you know, when I was younger and at the at the grocery store and, you know, I was I was peckish, are really, really thirsty.

That's a big one.

And I'm in the checkout aisle and there's just diet Mountain Dew right there.

So I'm going to crack it open. Even though I haven't legally body yet. I would never do that, even though it's probably just fine. But now I feel like that's not a concern of mine, because back when we were going to the grocery store with our child, it's like a fun family activity. We'd roll up into Trader Joe's and I would just grab me some pumpkin judges and just just rip them and grip them, baby. Start feeding them whole.

This falls in me and my son's face. OK, but here's the difference, though, Griffin. If you open a drink and start drinking it, you have irreparably used up some of that. If I put a jacket on and then take off, I used up. Nothing I'm saying is fine.

I'm saying it's fucking totally fine. Do you know how many times I used to exclusively by my clothes at Target through all of college? And that's not a judgment, but it is a fact that I went to target many, many times wearing target clothes and nobody fucking called the cops on me. Fucking Isaac Mizrahi didn't kick the door in, like, fuck it, drop it like it did. Those are my sweats.

There's a bubble. There's a bubble where you can try clothes on and it's within three feet of the, you know, the hanging place.

The sounds mark ghoulishness and with the hazmat response of the of the dressing rooms.

And other than that, you can't you can't just take it for a test drive or why not just sit?

Because it's not a it's not a fucking library.

You can't take a coat out for a spin around the store that's shoplifting.

You're using it for the primary utility that it is intended for. If you're using it to warm your body. Yeah, you are stealing. Oh, so if I go to Best Buy and I stand in front of one of the TVs and watch a scene from Mr. Deeds, I'm stealing because I'm using the stealing deeds.

I don't believe that you can because stealing is it has to be some. I'm saying that with something physical. Right. It's physical. You're stealing it.

And now actually my area was falling apart a whole lot. I think I'll think about it. Think about it. The Mr. Deeds thing was actually it was really good. I'm saying if I pick up the coat, if I pick up the jacket, it is stealing.

If you enjoy Mr. Deeds on a TV, I. So the joy that you should be paying Mr. Sadler for it.

So that's a trap. That's entrapment is what you're saying.

Mr. Stewart. Sandler's films operate on a sort of scarcity commercial sort of scheme where like you are spending money to fill the Mr. Deeds like Gap in your life. And when you do that for free in the technology aisle of your store, then that that need no longer exists. And Mr. Sandler, you're Robert.

You're fucking robbing him at gunpoint. OK, here's what I'm saying, I pick up the jacket and put it in the cart, that's fine. I pick up the jacket, I put it on my body.

That's not OK. Correct? Oh, that sale. That shop.

Now, you know what that is? That's that's preconceived notions, my friend. And I'm had to break those down.

Let me ask you a question, Traffic.com. If you you've worked in the loss prevention field, correct? Yes, I have.

OK, if you worked at a jacket store, you watch someone put on a jacket and then kind of walk away from where that was, what would you think they were doing?

I would think they were stealing just but I have preconceived notions as what I'm saying. I would look at them and be like, are that person stealing?

But you know what? This is what I learned in loss prevention. I wouldn't do anything until they attempted to leave through the doors with that jacket on.

See, that is what I would do accidentally. And I really can't introduce to my life the more possibilities that I will accidentally do a crime because it is you.

Can I think about a good. Oh, no, you don't. Yeah, don't open the door to that. That is my number one fear in life, is that I will accidentally murder someone because I want to kill many episodes of CSI. God, I hate doing that. Right. Can you imagine how embarrassed you would be if someone saw and they were like, hey, did you just kill that guy?

You're like, oh, oh shit, I did. Oh, man. What is this art?

This is arsenic. I thought it was coffee, mate. Shoot.

Oh, I'm not going to tell anybody. Are you going to keep this between us where I.

I think this is the official ruling of all three of us on this podcast. It's all good as long as as long as there's no BAEO.

Dude, I think that this is a a Schrodinger's cat scenario. It's fine unless you are observed and then it is wrong.

I'm just saying do it. That's all. Shoplifting. No, not but it's all fine. It's all fine. Oh it's all fine.

As long as there's no BAEO dude nobody thinks they have it the other day do they.

Just check it. Everybody thinks it's fine in there. Check the jacket, check yourself and what you recommend and it's fine to wear it when you're cold.

So there's no bio dude.

That's actually what it says on all the signage in Target. Yep. Check out these mugs as long as there's no bio dude. Now, is it a crime to go to the pharmacy section? Yes. Good Old Spice, Pierce.

Yes, rub that in there and then you come back to the jacket section and the store clerks. Like, what do you do it all?

Nice guy, no beat, nobody to take it for a spin baby.

And then and then you climb into a tent and you spend the night in Target. OK, Travis. Yeah, I'm actually not.

I was about to get the money. I'm not going to let this go. I want to get some quick hits for me, OK? I want to walk the target with you virtually.

OK, and you have. Are you seriously? Well, it's like I'm there now.

Are you seriously saying that it's not a problem, this this action, you would not have a problem with you yourself.

Believe it yourself doing this. What, wearing the coat? Yeah, well, here's the thing, Justin. No, stop it. If I'm cold, what I put on the coat. Yes. Yeah. If I was going to buy it, yeah, OK, that's absolutely not what this is. There you see these things that I'm not comfortable with myself that were discussed doesn't make them Grimble. You're saying someone walking up to a table in a restaurant and playing live music in my face should be illegal because I'm not comfortable.

If I missed it, I missed it. Are they buying the jacket or not? They're just using it while they're in the store about the intent of purchasing it.

Oh, well then no. Then right then fucking. Oh, I switched it and flip it. No, obviously I feel like I've been whistlin dog songs here. Come on. I'm just I've been trying to to free myself from my own preconceived notions and misconceptions to say what difference does it make if you're cold and you put on a jacket and you put it back? It is obviously wrong and illegal.

But the difference is not that we're not talking about legality, we're talking about mores. And it's the. Oh, yeah. Then it's fucking gather as a people at this point, honestly, everything else has failed us. We have to be able to agree on agree on some things.

And if this show has a theme, you know, if this show is about something, it's about the fact that there have to be things we can agree on.

OK, just as a society, this is an OK, come on.

I know it's not OK. That's what your mom should have said. Your mom should have let go of those first three arguments and then just looked at you and said, you know, this isn't OK.

You know, it's not OK. I mean, no, it's not here. I I'm coming back to the other side, though, because. Talk now. But listen.

But listen, listen, listen, OK, target's going to be fine. And I know that target isn't like, you know, I'll I'll wear a Hobby Lobby jacket and get my fucking reak all over that and put it right back on this. Dump it in. They'll dump it in the potty and I'll put it back on the shelf because I'm fucking retarded.

Yeah, but plenty to target.

I wouldn't target. It wouldn't be mean to target it wouldn't I have no emotions to target. I just have the emotion of cold and so I would wear it and I would steal it. I would watch a little bit of Mr. Deeds and then I would put it back and I would tell somebody that I did this bad thing, but they can't really do much about it. And then I would leave. And guess what? Target's going to be just fine.

Targets can be fine. The question is not does it have ramifications? The question is not what are the long term effects of doing it? Grapheme, of course, target's going to be fine. You wore a jacket for 10 minutes. Of course they're going to be fine. The question here's here's what the real question should be, not is it evil or good or anything like that. But can we all agree that there's an invisible boundary saying not to do it?

Much like if if if you walked past a party that was having a buffet, of course, there's nothing wrong with you getting going and eating a piece of like a sandwich and leaving literally.

You wouldn't be arrested for that. But we all know you should not do that because you weren't invited to the party.

But it's kind of fucking punk rock to wear this jacket. I'm coming around, Howard.

I'm like way on the other side now, wear jeans and protest, wear, throw on some fucking board shorts while you're at it and give those espin maybe take on some nothing below the belt.

Come on. Grabbing the belt. I mean, over your pants. Oh, OK.

That's fine. That's a good luck. Yeah, I remember that. Look where we wear sort of shorts over sweat pants and people would look at us and be like, that's a guy going to play basketball later.

And it's like I do also, as long as we're talking about looks that we missed the Gutenberg crop sweatshirt. Oh, my God, man, can we bring that back?

I used to do a reverse look where I would wear gym shorts under sweatpants. I wouldn't have to change for gym. Oh, we all did that. OK, good. I individual dual sports so I wouldn't work up that risk.

I would do like an evil Steve Guttenberg crop top where he just covered my belly but like my chest and shoulders were fully exposed.

How it just it was more or less just a big shirt belt that wrapped around my, my belly.

But then you could see like my nipples and armpits and everything.

Oh.

And people liked that people liked that about me. They did. They did, they did I like about you, but just you're good at reading ad copy, that's categorically not true.

Let's prove it and head on over to the men's. Thank God for the U.S. Postal Service. They're keeping everything, trying to keep everything together.

It's tough to go to the post office, though, physically, not only with like the you know, the stuff going around, some of the unpleasantness happening, but also, you know, you get busy.

It's crowded. Yeah. And I love to get busy.

Time to get busy over at Stamps.com.

Mailing is going to be super popular here in the holiday season. And you can stay ahead of all the crowds.

Just use your computer to print official U.S. postage 24/7 for any letter, any package, any class of mail, anywhere you want to send it.

Once your mail is ready, your schedule will pick up or drop it off. It's that simple. You'll save some cash on on your shipping.

And it's just a great way to utilize this great institution.

So don't spend a minute of your holiday season at the post office this year. Sign up for Stamps.com instead.

There's no risk with my promo code. My brother. That's right. I said my promo code. My oh that one. You get a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and a digital scale. No long term commitments or contracts. Just go to Stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and enter my brother.

That Stamps.com enter my brother Stamps.com. Never go to the post office again, wish you guys hate more, enter my brother or my brother. They're about to walk right into my brother.

My brother is so bad to say slash my brother at least.

Sounds like maybe my brother could fight back.

Yeah, yeah, I guess it's true. You guys naked or what? Hawthorns. Next up on the on the chopping block.

It's actually not next that we. Next up was Sedgwick's. And if you say Hawthorne is it makes Justin saying are you guys naked? Really weird. And it was already really weird, but saying like. Yeah, just since they were naked. Anyways, here's a premium tailored personal care.

You guys have your dicks out, but because I want to talk about toothbrushes. All right.

Well, I guess Travis do the other stitches.

Yeah, listen. Look down on your shirt. That's a dumb shirt. Unless you got it from stitch fix, then it's good that it's good start.

Yeah. So look at those pants. They're OK, but are they fixed pants if they are nice. Stitch things off his clothing hand selected by expert stylist for your unique size style and budget. That budget one is one of my favorites because you can go there and be like, hey, I would never play pay more than like blank for a t shirt. And they're like, yeah, you got it, dude. Here's a cool T-shirt for the price.

You said, and you can try those pieces on at home before you buy. Keep your favorites, send the rest back. So if you get some cool Stagedoor expands and you're like these Citrix fans are too cool for me, you can send them back. And it's free shipping, easy returns and exchanges and a prepaid return envelope is included and there's no subscription required. I love Citrix.

I am wearing situates right now pretty much all the time at this point. It's nice to have grown ups that dress me and give me good clothes to wear instead of the dumb dumb clothes I was wearing. And you can get started today. Stitch fix dotcom my brother and you'll get twenty five percent off my brother. No, you'll get twenty five percent off when you keep everything in your fix. But stitch fix dotcom. Slash my brother for twenty five percent off when you keep it.

If you read that differently it would be that Citrix dotcom slash my brother for twenty five percent off. Anyways, when you keep everything in your fix stitch fix dotcom slash my brother.

Do you guys have combo home and car insurance. So today I'm going to talk about Hawthorne, they make barbecue stuff, they make bathroom stuff that's going to give you a ripe, ripe, pretty stink and it states all kinds of stuff.

Anything that you have in your bathroom. Look around your bathroom right now.

Everybody give me a second. Oh. Oh.

Do you have any any Hawthorns stuff in there? I got this good smelling Hawthorne stuff, OK, everything else in my mouth.

I know I do not consume it says we've been clear about this from the beginning.

You know, I was actually a Hawthorn subscriber before they decided to advertise with us. I was I was into it. You answer some questions about your your lifestyle, how you how you like to live your days.

He was live moss.

And they're going to give you a delicious batch of the different bathroom essentials that's going to match your your whole vibe.

And if you don't if you don't, I go ahead. You say it. And if you don't like if you don't like your and if you don't like them, say it together.

And if you don't like your product, even retailer based on your feedback, based on your feedback, you take Hawthorn's quiz today and get started on your personalized self care routine by going to Hawthorn dot c o and use promo code my brother to get ten percent off your first purchase.

That's h a w t h o r n e c o promo code.

My brother Hawthorn CEO promo code.

My brother.

My brother. I don't think we actually are doing that one. Yeah, we stopped doing that one. Listen, I'm a hotshot Hollywood movie producer. You have until I finish my glass of kombucha to pitch me your idea.

Go. All right. It's called Who Shot You? A movie podcast that isn't just a bunch of straight white dudes. I'm if you Whiteway, the new host of the show and a certified BBM BBN Buff Black nerd.

I'm Alonzo Veraldi, an elderly, gay and legit film critic who wrote a book on Christmas movies.

Andre Clark allowed White Lady from Minnesota. Each week we talk about a new movie in theaters and all the important issues going on in the film industry. It's like, guess who's coming to dinner meets cruising.

And if it helps seal the deal, I can flex my muscles. We record each episode.

I'm sorry, this is a podcast. I'm a movie producer. How did you get in here?

Effi, quick start flexing bicep LAT's chest.

Who shot you drop in every Friday on Maximum Fundido or wherever you listen to podcast. Baby, yeah, yeah, yeah, but a little, a little bit, a little bit.

I want to multiply spun by that, Bob. I want to sure.

I have never been so certain about the product that you're going to talk about today, as I am right now. You have no idea.

OK, Fatburger is an interesting product. And I just I, I'm wild about this late breaking story. This is much quieter, by the way. It's podcasting and podcast profiling.

You mean Twilight brand eating? It is in its twilight. Thank you, Travis. It's winding down. It's on.

It's funny. Some people might point out that there's been a man squad in every episode for the last 60 episodes. Not actually accurate, but that is just because this is the guy, the dying. Gasps The death, rather.

I start with I'm going to start with a junior because my real squad is not.

And I want to I got a junior, then a junior junior and then and then a full much like the junior junior kid's meal.

Yeah, I got a kid's meal, a junior and a full adult and a big stinky's.

Let me just get through this, OK? In a year with the Fatburger introduces well say Thanet in a year with unprecedented challenge. Oh boy.

There are only several more weeks to hang in there. Hollywood favorite Fatburger wants to help customers do just that until we bring in a fresh new year to help get through the remainder of 20-20. Fatburger, known for its delicious grilled to perfection burgers, is launching a limited time menu item. The hang in there burger.

Oh, boy.

Hang in there, Burger is everyone's favorite dog fat burger with all the fixings, including chili, onion rings, American cheese, bacon, egg and topped off with and this is in the works.

Wait, if the works don't include those things you said before. What the fuck are the words? A question.

Maybe it's love. I got no idea. Quote This year certainly has been challenging for everyone, says Andy Whitehorn, CEO of Fast Brands.

Everyone fulfilling his legal obligation to mention that there is a global pandemic.

With the year almost coming to a close, we wanted to create a burger that encourages our loyal fans to simply hang in there, put a smile on their faces and remind them that together we will get through this.

I like that. Fat Burger has accepted that no one is thriving and the best that we can all hope for is to merely exist.

Eat this huge, ridiculous burger and get through it.

Oh, well, thank you for having me. It's me though, not the rock you love to count Donut. Just climb out of Justin's throat.

Cold not is here not donut Dracula.

That's my dad. Please, I'm counting donut. Oh, I've got the great news story about the delectable delight. Is that about a donut.

Yes, Travis. It's about though. Where else would I be here. I don't know.

Count down Marks and Spencer is a UK brand and they have a new, very fun donut. It's a yum yum donut hybrid that they've been given a Christmassy makeover with delicious, flaky pastry layers and they sweet scent is built topping.

No way to describe this. Imagine a toasty flake, though. Not all I'm making myself.

That's Bohlig.

And then on top there is a rib, the frosting, and then there is adorable Brohm built with a goal. The book bit. It looks just like Sondos to me and it's so precious. And it's called Centas.

Yum. Not no. Yes. The tweet says Who wants a bite of centers? Yum, not.

Yeah, Gary, you're fired. You're fired. Gary.

I mean, I wanted to remember the name of this because I saw a lot of people talking about yum nuts. There was a headline that somebody at some news outlet wrote that was like M.A. make an accidental innuendo and everyone's making fun of them on social media.

I don't know how you could possibly accidentally called Santurce Yum. Yes. The tweet is Who Wants Abiders? Sanders Yeah. We all know what's going on here.

It's time to talk about the real story and we've all been waiting for it. It's always a hot topic here on this program.

Starbucks holiday lineup and Peppermint Mocha arrive November 6th as a recording artist. That is today where I'm seeing the cup. Is it is it just have like a big crucifix on it? Oh, let me know about it. Juice.

All right. But we're working there. We're going to get there. We got new we got some some holiday seasonal favorites.

We got peppermint mocha toasted white chocolate mocha caramel brulee latte, chestnut praline latte and eggnog latte. So that is amazing.

I don't care about all of that shit. What's the cop. OK, there's OK.

This year's theme, Carry the Merry is an invitation to enjoy the little moments of brightness around you.

Hey, that better be in a ah. Why Mary the Virgin Mary. It better be behind the cup. Carry a car full of the Virgin Mary with here.

It was about people carrying them out into the world as quote, messengers of joy.

That's how they think of someone who takes a Starbucks cup out of there is to make a messenger of joy.

That's Jeff Wolcott's Wilson, who is I don't want to tell you, creative director for Starbucks. In a way, that message deepened as we got further and further into this year. Go on, Jeff. Fuck, yeah, dude.

It's only it's only getting better. Jeff says we want that to be a beacon for people.

A brief moment that they can look forward to. Oh, boy.

Is Jeff Mean fucking seeing the Jeff.

Jeff also means if I'm interpreting this correctly, the worst it gets out here at, you know, in life, the fucking doper these cops get if a fucking volcano erupts in the middle of Austin and everyone gets covered in ash, but I walk out of the Starbucks with a cut, the employees can be like you. Brave missionary, carry the Mary.

Carry it. It's so bad out there, people are looking to your cup. Hey, Jeff, how about your message isn't like, hey, everybody go to Starbucks and they just walk around selling your cup to people?

What if your message was, stay fucking home, stay home, just stay?

That's that's our message. Stay at home. Stay the fuck home.

Here's the here's a very good Mary in your backyard and then come back here is if there is a sizable enough portion of the populace that needs the nasty burger and the fun cups to be able to, quote, hang in there, the American experiment has failed.

We are done. We can start over. The quicker we say we're done, the quicker we can start over and try something else.

Can I do can do a quick Yahoo! Because I'm really curious about I know you guys have a little bit of experience, and I was hoping you could just bust me out some. I know it's after Halloween, so we're a little bit late on it. This one is sent in by Ben. Can't thank you, Ben. It's Yahoo! Answers user Joe who asks.

Is scaring people with a chainsaw legal, my brother and I have been scaring people five years with my chainsaw and this year of Halloween we got the cops called on us by a lady, but the cops never showed up.

We were on our property scaring them and we never got too close to them. And a lot of people like us in a chainsaw do. It's amazing sound.

The chainsaw do is something that is terrible. But I, I'm am incapable of reading this, but we never get close to them. And a lot of people like us and the chainsaw due to due to it's amazing to see what they've done here.

Updated three days ago is scaring people with a chainsaw on Halloween legal.

So they wanted to really make sure that, you know, on Halloween, a little dress.

Yeah, I would argue that that detail is important because if it's like June 9th and you run at someone with a chainsaw NOPSA, you're going to jail.

I remember there was a what was it, trail of terror. A what was it called?

There was a there was a thing in Huntington that was haunted a trail, and you would go down it and there would be spooky events that would occur.

And sometimes one of them I remember was like it looked like headlights were coming at you through some trees.

It's like, oh, and there was like a, you know, a couple of mummies or whatever. But then at one part, a guy with a chainsaw would jump out of like some corn.

That was the grand finale. Yeah, it would he would chase you down the hill. And I remember thinking like. That's an escalation that like you had a couple of mommies back there and you had like a, oh, ghostly bride, but I'm a kid and you can't jump out at me with a chainsaw.

And because a hill in the woods in the middle of the night, there's no apparently there is no chain on it. It just it just due to its amazing sound. Yeah, but I didn't know that.

And it's an I remember thinking every time I did it, like, why am I doing this? Why am I going down this trail. Because I know death is I know the specter of death is waiting for me at the end. And that's.

And you wait such a like such a long time. Yeah. Just like pretty much everything it has ever been.

You waste the whole time your mind, you just you're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

So I'm like, oh yeah. Got to go. It's comin. Get to that level here.

Maybe it would be better if before you scared people off the train thought yowled there's no train on it.

Remember, we were way, way, that way. You're still making this amazing sound. Yeah, that's good.

But you can put up a sign in your front yard that says, like, hey, you're about to be scared by a big gentleman with a chainsaw, but don't sweat it because there's no chain on it and he's not really going to hurt you. And then just for good measure, he steps outside and says, get ready to be scared.

I'll be out on five four. Oh, no. But would you let him fly? Sorry. Would you let him fly with a chainsaw? Well, not the question, would you let him fly on an airplane? Just Justin. There's no way that there's no way you got there.

Right. If you got there for real and this isn't a goof. I thought the question was. Are you allowed to fly on an airplane with a chance? You do not fish? I did not think no point at no point or any of those words of this log cutting instrument.

Come up in the question, Justin. Justin, I'm afraid the question was, are you flying? If that was not, I can't.

I've gotten like six hours of sleep this week. Like, I get it. We're all we're all fucking, you know, tuned in, jacked in, fucking plugged in, getting that drip, getting that slow Pennsylvania drip.

But my man, those words were not incorporated, not only not in the question, but Griffin and I did not say the words, not said.

Read it again. Let's phonetically let's read it again.

OK, let's see if we can find the writing on. My brother and I have been airport pilot plane upside clouds five years.

Oh, I messed up. I got so excited for a second. I thought vindication is on the horizon. Oh sorry. It says scare airport.

No, no. Isn't every airport an airport now you think about it.

Getting the paperwork ready to die, so. It's the best game this has been my brother, my brother, me, thanks for hanging in there with us. We hope you're doing OK.

Hope we don't need a burger to keep it going. We hope we can be that nasty burger.

Hey, just let us be your nasty burger and your coffee will be your coffee and your nasty burger if you do need something.

Now, Macquarie, Match.com is the place to head to and get something that can talismanic help you ward off the seasonal affective disorder.

Like what, Justin? Well, but whatever you want to avoid fish pin, you want to vaccine's bumper sticker, you want a horseshoe crab T-shirt from sawbones, you want any Casamance merchandise you get and then I don't have to split the profits of that with my brothers is the way you want to go.

Oh, we were burying the lead here a little bit because coming up on November 21st or doing my brother, my brother and me live show why it's virtual.

It's a virtual live show with sawbones opening. It's our first ever virtual live show. What's it going to be like?

We don't get no idea. It's got I know I know what it's going to be like. It's going to be a lot of fun for everyone.

OK, that's what I thought. OK, cool. November 21st, 9:00 p.m. Eastern Time. Tickets are ten dollars. You can get those that live now. I've got the got family and we'll all hang out.

Know what I mean.

Virtually virtually. What city will it be in every all cities. All cities.

We're going to link arms around the whole planet. Our how to podcast book called Everybody Has a Podcast Except You. It's available for preorder. Now that comes out January 26th. You can get it in hard copy. You can get it in ebook or you can get an audio book. Preorder now at the McElroy podcast book dot com. It's good. It'll teach you how to make a podcast you're proud of. And we put some jokes in there in case you don't fucking care about podcasts at all.

So check it out. The Macquarie podcast book Dotcom. Also, you can preorder the adventures of Crystal Kingdome book. It's book four in our graphic novel series that comes out July 13th, 2021. You can preorder it at the Adventure Zone comic. Com. Let me also give a plug to my favorite video game podcast. The best is thank you for featuring Justin Macary Griffin, great. Russ Fresh Dick and Chris Plante. It's very good. The last episode they talked about the new consoles coming out.

Well, I guess that was the one before last because we're recording so important. It's very informative. You're going to hear a lot in the upcoming months about these consoles. You're going to be confused about it. So why don't you let your best friends tell you what what the bullshit is and what the real shit is?

Just cut through the bullshit. That's the signature sign off the best D.

It's available exclusively on Spotify. Go subscribe down.

Tell your friends thanks to John Rodrik and long interview for a theme song. It's a departure off the album, Putting the Days to Bed and huge ups to Max. Fun for having us on the network shoujo great shows at Maximum Fun Dog. And let's let, let's, let's close it up.

I have a final Yahoo! Here, hit me. Oh this is also sent in by Ben Can. Thank you. Ben was asked by anonymous Yahoo Answers user who I'm going to I'm going to call them Jim Davis. OK, that Garfield guy. But I think he would ask something like this. If Freddie Mercury was still alive, do you think he can play as Joker? Yes, my name is just an on Travis that I'm Griffin McElroy. He's been my brother.

My brother may kiss your dad's square on the lips. Maximum fun dog comedy and culture, artist owned, audience supported.