Transcribe your podcast

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed, Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only.


So the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool, baby?


Come on back. All right, we've got this and we're going to give advice and your finances after it is. And financing, it's time to start it's. Hello, everybody, and welcome to my brother, my brother and me and advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy.


Wolf, Wolf, Dog Pound. I'm your mangas brother.


Travis McElroy, who's got a bone. I'm Griffin Macra. I, I'm sorry. I apologize. I did not commit to the bit I've been saying all week. Yeah. All I've been so sorry.


I've been working with Bruce Vilanch, the script mind.


I can't I put the time in. I paid premium top dollar for that Bruce Vilanch educational cameo.


Wow. Oh, OK.


You could do it. I want to munch squaller America but I want to munch for America.


Bum, bum, bum, bum bum. Hello, welcome to my squaddies podcast of the podcast Profiling the latest and greatest in brand eating.


Justin, this. Sorry to interrupt. Just to be a bit of a pedant, it is kind of a podcast before a podcast at this point of our opener.


Yes, it's a it's a pretty old podcast. So I guess, you know, it's a it's a weird time to be recording a podcast. We usually record on Thursdays. And last Thursday we were like, well, what the fuck is happening?


Well, to be fair, we didn't want to record on Thursday. And our reasoning is we don't know we don't know what Monday is like. But now we're looking at publishing this one Tuesday morning after recording a Thursday afternoon.


And we're still like, I don't know, fucking five p.m. looks or so.


That's where we're at. And what is the question on everybody's lips? Well. It's where does pizza stand on election integrity as the bedrock of American democracy and of course, everybody knows that this has been a wild time in America. And I feel like everybody's got to speak out. Everybody's got to speak up for for what they think is important. Right.


Hey, just just real quick, is this a new indicator, much like the it's been a tough year for everyone kind of thing.


Yeah. This is. What do you mean a new indicator? Is this something like a new buzzword?


A new is going to be out there and be like election integrity is our whole show.


Griffin, but pizza in is. Pizza in, pizza in pizza in is a chain of pizza, restaurants, pizza in there's like a bunch of them and may not be one near you, like captain in. But there's there's locations all over this great land of ours, mainly in the southeast of America.


There's some in Texas, Grif, you could go to a pizza. And right now if you wanted to, there's thirty, thirty two in Texas. Cool.


Based on this segment it sounds like the Justin. That might be a morally difficult dining decision on my part.


OK, well, let's just talk about it and let's talk about what's happening in America. The lens. Yeah. Because I'm taking a stand and it's a very small thing, but it's a stand. I feel like I just sit back or I could impact. OK, ok, ok. I'm going to read you the press release. Right. And Pizza In is released. This is a press release. And can I just say I'm sorry, Pizza In is a terrible name for a restaurant unless you're allowed to sleep there if you eat too much.


I do not get in confusing.


Yeah, it is confusing. I want to thank Jasper and Megan for sending this one along. I appreciate this. I probably wouldn't have heard about it otherwise. Pizza in this press release is said to me the original press release on PR Newswire was deleted, so I actually don't know what was happening there.


The good news is Pizza In has left this entire, um, twenty tweet chain. Oh, on their page. So let's just get get right into it. Pizza In is calling for election reform. Here's the tweets. Oh yeah.


Get big money out of politics. I'm all for that. Like is that what we're talking about. In takes bold stance for election reform. Widespread concerns over fraud demand common sense.


Not that hashtag election fraud. Hashtag Washington, DC hashtag January 6th. This was tweeted January 5th, which is first coming for Shingo's. It's a pretty bad time for pizza and I will give you that one pizza and can't get on an airplane.


Now it is squarely focused on creating a close knit community centered on traditional American values, and its values include the preservation of American democracy, which millions of brave men and women have fought to protect.


I'm with them so far.


Well, and I you well, Justin, I don't know how I feel about it, you know. Hey, listen, now we can all as great Americans squeak it all. There's only one great American. I like Justin and that's the cookie.


Well, don't I also know. OK, I'll off nine now to a great American cookie and great American ballpark as the two great Americans that I like.


As the New Year begins, our nation continues to be divided.


And the results of the recent election, I mean, not really know. Not really.


Millions of Americans believe that widespread voter fraud may have changed the results of the presidential election, says says pizza in the next tweet, pizza.


It has laid out their theme. Right. And you're like, no way is pizza and going to go any harder than this.


And then pizza ends like we believe this is probable take from us pizza and we believe the fix is in. Holy shit.


Like most Americans, we are alarmed by the uncertainties and resulting lack of faith in our election system. Most Americans. Brandon Solano, chief executive officer of Rave Restaurant Group, Inc..


What a bold and incorrect state.


I am so sick of these fucking celebrity Twitter accounts telling me what to think. Politics, eat politics, pizza.


And this is so crucial. Pizza in is not advocating to overturn the election. Oh, thank God.


Nor do we think hastily certifying the results in Congress tomorrow is appropriate.


Well, now hold on. Wait, those votes are good.


We fully understand the risks of wading into such heated political waters.


Now, here's what I do want to have you go ahead. Take a step back here. January 5th, Thweatt for pizza.


And do you think you fully understand the risks of wading into such heated political waters on January 5th?


Because I think, my friend, you don't actually you actually don't.


Maybe you may have even underestimated it a little bit. A little bit.


Maybe just a pinch here. Here's a tweet we ate pizza in aren't constitutional scholars.


Oh, fuck. Yeah, we're cool. We're everything to change. Should have to tweet that. Hey, what about. Hey, pizza. All right. Well we got one don't we. Yeah. Yeah. Robby, Robby dropped out. Robby dropped down. He didn't get it where he was though.


He did. Two years.


We have pizza in aunt constitutional scholars or experts at making amazing pizza and salads.


That is when governors and other elected officials are shutting down our dining rooms. Now, hold on, the second part does not change the first part. Factually speaking. Well, now we are dining rooms are closed. It's almost like you're tipping your hand a little bit. Congratulations to them by making it 22 tweets in being like, listen, we don't know what happened here. We're just thinking transparency is important. Also, this fucking mask wienies, right?


Come get our dirty, sloppy jermey pizza with extra sauce and extra fucking microbes, baby.


Let me get one mushroom sausage and some fucking spirochetes on it, baby.


I'm not going to read it because it's garbage, but like pizza. And then go so far as to we are literally 20 tweets in at this point pizza and then goes. So far it's been two bullet pointed tweets detailing exactly what changes they require in election integrity.


I would say voter suppression from pizza and pizza and wants to hear pizza and wants to definitely suppress this shit.


Now, to be fair, just they did offer in tweet twenty seven that if you bring in your mail in ballot instead of mailing it in, they will give you one free personal pan pizza. Not bad, their pizza in on January 5th, the last tweet in this chain was pizza and respects citizens rights to agree or disagree with us, boycott us or visit us in solidarity.


We simply ask that each of us remain civil in our discussions, comfort in the knowledge that we love our country and want what's best for it on January 5th.


This is this is got hot shit from if only they'd seen if only they knew how to delete tweets if seen.


If only they knew. I mean they also it looks like they have tweeted every, you know, seditionists member of Congress. Yeah.


They basically copied all of them like hey, you guys are back for work because this is basically our big play. Yes. Newnes, you got us right.


Yeah. Can you imagine we want to become the exclusive piece of the Trump trains.


You guys got to get us on board somehow. We don't know what pizza gate is. We heard a lot about it. We want to get in. We want to get in on the points. A game for us pizza.


Ed, can you imagine anything sadder or from our perspective, more kind of ironic and delightful than somebody going to pizza and getting one of their super sloppy microbe pizzas that then that gives them covid and that's not funny as much as then they can't taste anything anymore. And pizza ends fucking shitty pizza is the last thing they ever taste.


Whenever they think about, they'll be eating a fine fancy steak dinner.


Oh, a coke Kobe beef loving it. Is that why you how's it taste? I can't taste it. But when I think about what food tastes like, I think of fucking pizza in Senator Ted Cruz's favorite pizza. Oh I love it. Oh.


Did you guys see that Kevin Sorba tweets?


No, we're not moving on from this yet. Oh, sorry. Thank you. Pizza in tweeted this on again January 5th. Uh huh. And did not have a big tweet after that. But as recently as a few days ago, people started saying like, hey, pizza.


And how do you think it's going right now, a pizza in how to how does this look in hindsight for you? Has this filthy right now?


I'll give you a sampling here, because a lot of people started coming for for pizza in. I like this one from Juan Brown, who said, no comment on today's news and no cactus bread. This is why Pizza Ranch will always be superior.


Yeah, get them. Get them. Pizza Ranch isn't about sleeping there.


It's about writing their pizza in responded to Juan Brown, which is absolutely where you need to make a statement like this.


Oh, yeah.


Responds to a tweet from a person with one hundred sixty four followers. We condemn the shameful display of violence shown at our nation's capital. We have always and we continue to call for civility and nonviolence from us.


Also, sorry about the cactus red thing. There was a real fuck up on our part.


Then they responded to literally like 15 other people saying verbatim tweet, so I I saw this today. And in a rare a rare example of trying to, like, shape Monch squad to my own means.


And the reason I wanted to hold this episode's recording until today was I wanted to take take a Stand. And I'm I'm asking the other pizza chains to to take a stand as well. I tweeted this incredible pizza in thread, and then I called on Domino's Marco's Pizza, Papa John's Pizza Hut, Chucky Cheese, Little Caesar's Mellul Mushroom and fucking DiGiorgio to announce where they stand on the importance of a peaceful transfer of power as a core tenet of American democracy.


And I tell them it's time to take a stand now.


Right now, let me go ahead and see where we're at. Yeah. Got any bites? Seems like a grounder to me, right?




Seems like an easy, easy decision, especially with Shaq at the helm over pigeons. OK, you know, I'm Shaq loves democracy. Yeah, I'm not seeing any.


OK, so far none of those brands have taken me up on my offer, which is weird if you think about it, because I'm opening the door for them to say the very easy thing when they are declining that well, pizza in wanted to say the hard thing and no one has pizza in to say it, but they're like, hold hold on a second. We've got something that we're like.


They hold my beer and then everybody from a hundred miles away was like, Who are you talking to? There is no one. Set your beer on the floor because there's nobody around you right now. What is there to hold your beer?


Hey, Justin. Yeah? Did you reach out to Latinos now? I figure I knew where they stand.


Also, they've given us a lot of money to do a sponsored episode for them, so I'm not going to put them on blast. What am I, some sort of free thinking hippie liberal?


I know I kept this peaceful protest. The companies that have not aligned our pockets.


Fair, fair at any point that I know of. I want to talk about fucking Kevin Sorbo for a second.


OK, yeah, but Kevin Sorbo, motherfucking Hercules jerk Uli's he tweeted a series of tweets like is happening for fucking rad tweets like it's happening and then like, oh yeah, this is awesome.


And then like, hey, everybody don't act like antifa. And then the fourth tweet is I'm hearing it wasn't really protesters, just antifa dressed like Trump supporters.


Such a wonderful like, you know what, I hear my uncle, though, it's actually just and Tiva and then fucking Luthi. Lawlis my girl came out of nowhere. It was like, you look like a dumb shit. It was so good, you fucking crazy.


Where does he stand on all this traffic? He is he's an independent ah. Hercules reporter on the ground.


He's an independent. What a fucking what a fucking week, huh.


We went back and forth, guys, about how to do this one. I don't fucking know. It's wild out there.


Semiliterate while we are now while we are recording this, the U.S. Department of State website just updated to say that President Trump's term ended just now.


And everybody's like, is this real? Is this fake? Like, there's not a great window for us to do a show. I think it is.


I don't think it's I think it's probably a goof, you know, having fun.


But like, I just want to say it just sort of place an import on it as well, you know, hit up the pizza places and ask them where they stand.


But also, I would encourage you to go to five calls, number five calls, dog and contact your representatives.


It's great. They have a list of active issues that you can kind of choose your own adventure and it'll give you some tips on how to contact your your reps.


And there's so many of them right now. There's so many. So many. There's a lot of different issues. There's a lot of different things that you should there's a lot of different accountability subjects that are worth following through naki.


Number one is where does the pizza come? No, that's just the number one in the ones we might have some theoretical the possibility that we can move the chains on that one, but you can move the chains on everything else.


Number five calls dog do it, make it a habit. Make that your fucking hobby for twenty twenty one. That's big dog run energy right there.


Yeah. Oh yeah it is. Hey, can I say we speak on that for a moment because big dog run first I want to speak. I'm big dog run.


I was thinking about it and I was having some fun because our friend is a big deals just are a lot of our famous beloved friends were calling me to tell me how much they loved the episode.


You did it. You crushed it. Yeah.


And I was chatting with them and I was thinking like. We did that on Monday, and then things got weirder, so much weirder and worse, like right after that. Well, they have they got they got hold on. They got really good Tuesday night.


Tuesday night was like, fuck. Yeah. We're going to see what happened that night.


Oh, that's great. That's good. The Democrats took the Senate.


I can tell that wasn't official until the next, you know. That's true. That's fair. That's so wild.


But anyway, I was feeling I was let's just say I was feeling a lot of big dog run energy from Tuesday evening to, I'll say Monday around 11 o'clock Central Time. And that energy left me.


I was so grateful for Big Dog Run because. I was trying to think of what theme we could have picked in the year that would have been instantly undone and subverted by the events of the past week.


And actually, big dog run is the literal only theme that wouldn't have been just like absolutely anything inspirational or uplifting would have been instantly undone.


But the dog run is you know what it is? You know, what's going on is it's it's it's a mantra. It doesn't mean anything. It's something for you to meditate on and you take away from it whatever. You come to it incessantly and effortlessly. And you just kind of see what comes of it, of big baked run dishes.


We learned about this on manners. There is a German saying of like, this is sausage to me and I love it because, like, I don't know how much that actually means, but it's a good response to a lot of things, much like no bones about it. Like that is something like you could say if someone was upset or happy or sad, you like me and I know no bones about it. That's bad. You know, like it kind of fits a lot of different scenarios.


There's a sausage to me, which also kind of goes with Big Dog Run because then fellows love sausage. Let me just say, though, I'm worried.


I got worried a little bit that maybe. So the insurrectionist terrorists had listened to our no program that's like here comes here, this is our brand, a big dog run energy.


I don't know about you guys.


I was scanning that crowd looking for for well, it would be big dog brand merchandise. Yeah. Just because that would be that would I feel like be a week to rearrange.


So of the catch phrase, I think we can all agree though.


That was like little yappy dog energy. Right.


That's a big dog. That was fucking Ted Cruz energy. That's the opposite. Ted Cruz is a little yappy dog. And listen, Ted Cruz, before you tweet us, I love little yappy dogs. I'm talking about stereotypical little yappy dog behavior. You know what I mean? That Ted Cruz, he's a little yappy dog.


I could talk about how much I hate Ted Cruz all day long. Please do.


OK, well, you see, the thing about it is he's got this clinical case of Dick Face. I see his face.


I just want to short it. Yeah.


I would never do that because I'm a law abiding citizen of these great United States and I'll continue to just wish him ill from afar.


Yeah. Like a great American citizen. And try to convince Griffin to vote against him one of these days. I'll get you one day.


What, are you kidding me?


You know, I voted for fucking cool ass skateboard bato veto mail and you know that veto cuck and I love that shit.


It's just like when I see Ted Theodore up there and he's doing his thing and he's like and these these antifa like, he's up there and he's talking about how he wants to come and take away all your guns and babies.


And I think like it's like he's not even thinking about what I want.


He's what he represents. My interest is he think like Griffin is going to love this shit. It's no suck.


Ted Cruz is like if there was a character in Star Wars who, like, worked for the emperor, that the emperor was constantly like kind of slapping around. But then the next day, also that character showed up and was like dressing like the emperor and kind of like now doing he is talking like the emperor and the emperor's like, I still don't like you. I was still slapping him around.


Ted Cruz got his energy. Like if you brought your nine year old nephew to TPE, some people and got them all hyped up on the drive over.


And he's like, you're going to fucking get him, aren't we? We're like, yes, we are, Ted. Let's get these guys. And then you open the door and push Ted out. And he ran out of my. Here we go, motherfuckers. It's on. And you drove away. That's Ted Cruz Energy right there.


And he's just like being like, yeah, we're getting them guys. This is happening now. We're getting them.


See, he kind of seems to me like if you were planning to tip someone, so he just went ahead five hours early at like 4:00 pm and started doing it. And people were like looking out the window like, what the fuck is going on with your kids?


I do is we haven't even had dinner yet. Why is he here now? I'm getting you. I mean, you're not even making it up to the trees, Ted. You're not unrolling at first. You're just throwing whole rolls of telephone paper. It's like he bought a black metal t shirt at Hot Topic on the way to the concert. Yes. It opens the door like I love Satan. Do you are you guys. What about Satan? Me too.


He's like a non narc narc.


I also heard and it was maybe it's just a rumor, but he pisses his pants on purpose because he likes the warm feeling against his legs.


They can't come at me for saying that because of First Amendment.


He also I heard he likes to pee his pants and then try to convince other people that they beat him. He wouldn't for money. It's like after the fact.


I mean, definitely one of his staffers has to put up with that every day.


Ted Cruz, Theodore standing up and saying the pay up sucker, I, I pissed the front of my pants again. Yeah.


Yeah. We don't normally like to get political on this show, but what the fuck else here, guys? I don't know. I don't know. I'm just curious.


I don't think that that's a fair thing to say that we don't like to get political on the show.


I don't I mean, maybe never as explicitly that we excuse that Ted Cruz pisses his pants on purpose because he likes the good, warm feeling between his legs and to win money from staffers and to win money from staffers. Right.


Yeah, I heard that he creates Facebook pages for TV shows that have been off the air for twenty years that only he watched and then he gets mad when his friends won't join in, even though they didn't watch the show and nobody's even really sure that it existed.


That's just what I heard. How are you guys joining my Johnny Bago? Come on, guys. Come on. The show had both Jake and the Fat Man. What's not to like? He created one Facebook group that he just titled, that one show that was about a car race across the country.


And I think that maybe Nathan Fillion was in it. It was on Fox for two episodes.


And people like Ted, you don't even remember the name of the show. And he's like, Yeah, but I watched every episode.


OK, so, yeah, we're going to need some advice. I want to help God if we can just help somebody, you know, I mean, maybe we could like we could like Christmas Carol type. Cruz is there's nothing we could do. OK, what OK, if you guys were going effort, what goes on?


Oh, I'm going to feed your baby, I want to shove that food into an open grave. There's a lot that was maybe the line crossing.


You think that's going to be the one that maybe gets old Travis in trouble? To be clear, government Travis was talking about only in the context of if they were in a production of a Christmas Carol together. And that was this. And that was the stage directions. That was really what's the picture? They would open grave because he was about to fall into a much deeper, open grave. He was on fire and there were three inches of water at the bottom of the open ground.


Yes, it just said Travis was dressed up as the as the Grim Reaper. And he the director is like, all right, now push Ted Cruz into the grave, your co-star. And then Trump is like, I don't know if that's such a good idea.


He's in government, but I like old piss. But he said, but Ted Cruz. Ted Cruz says it's OK to do it.


Yeah, that's what I meant. I worry we might lose some people. Well, if we haven't lost them by this point, just then, good riddance. Well, you fucking think that.


But every time I tweet, there's always one person who's like, listen, I've stood by you guys for ten years. This is just too hard. It's less what should you be listening to this statement?


Ted Cruz pisses his pants on purpose because he likes the wet, warm feeling between his legs is about as bipartisan as he has.


He isn't.


If Joe Biden got up on Inauguration Day and led with that, the full across the aisle support. Yep.


That's the unity that we need right now. Hey, State of the Union, it's me, Joe Biden.


Can we all agree that we heard Ted Cruz fans to feel the warm feeling on his legs and cheers for later would be everyone's on their feet except Ted Cruz. Yes, because it's embarrassing stain. Do you guys think we could be sued?


Could we be sued for making a t shirt that with all proceeds donated to a charitable cause, could we be sued for making a T-shirt that says Ted Cruz likes to business pants because he loves the warm feeling between his legs?


Because the only thing that you could say is that slander a lie.


What does it all mean? All we do is it has to start with that would require him to in a court of law, say, I actually don't like I'm not going to in the fights unpleasant.


What I know when I put my hands on his own on accident and I do not enjoy it. OK, if it says when Ted Cruz pees his pants, he likes the warm feeling between his legs. And then if he takes us to a court of law, the judge will say, all right, this your is your pants, Theodore, and then tell us if you like it or not. The shirt could also say, I heard.


I heard he likes to piss his pants. And then he's like, I don't like my pants to feel the warm feeling on my leg. Then you say, Listen, I thought I heard what I heard. And when someone says, Where did you hear it? You say, Well, it came out of my own mouth. And then I heard it with my ears.


Bareness maybe we printed on the inside of a shirt. Yeah. Here's what we do.


Oh, we put the word doesn't, but it's only in heat reactive letters that you can't see.


Yeah, I'm going to see you use a hold on right there and you take an iron.


Let me take you to the club where the black lights shall reveal.


All right. I actually just got an email from this week, sponsors, and they said, thank you so much for choosing this episode to feature our products in. Oh, you're so welcome.


We're so excited to have this be the one. Let me check. Sorry. Real quick check of my replies. No, OK, nothing yet. Nothing yet. OK, cool, cool. I expected that from delivery, but not the Shawna it's pretty good.


Sure. We've helped so many people already. Why not take a break here? Man, we can do a question if you want just to cleanse the power or we can, like, come back with a cleft palate and help other people out.


Yeah. How about before we do go to our our sponsors this this week, we do it just a quick Yahoo! I got a lot of really good ones this week and I'm very excited. In fact, it's another thing I'm Ted Cruz about is I occupied a lot of good a lot of good Yahoo! Jokes time.


This one was sent in by Graham Robock. Thanks, Graham. It's Yahoo!


Answers user, their anonymous DJed. Cruz asks. Ideas for celebrating 13 year olds first monster energy, huh? My son Jackson bought his first monster today and he promised me he wouldn't drink it before I could throw together a party. What should I do for the party? So proud.


Huge. This is this one rides the line of is it a fucking Shrek? Shrek trolls again.


But after this past week, I feel like there's probably some people out there who would celebrate their 13 year old son Jack son spell JDSU wins first monster energy bought with his own allowance, 13 years old.


All the reasons to violate covid protocols. I think throwing a Monster Energy Party is probably the last one.


Yeah, I don't know. I think maybe St. Peter might like Karen a new one, you know, just a new oh.


For Monster Energy. Really love that.


I'll pay you for it.


I to make the point that you don't want Monster Energy to be the last thing you tasted. It's got to make it something good at least. Yeah.


I think that it's all about the ceremony of the flavors. I think, oh he's going to be tempted to the first time it crosses his lips and he feels the sort of the sort of hot burning of a real energy.


It's so hot that energy comes in really fucking so hot. He's going to be tempted to bail. And I think you mean of peer pressure in the room that, like, he can't and after he finishes the can, I think one really important thing to do is to pull up a whole case of it after that. Oh, you're so tough. Yeah, I think you're so cool and tough and make him smoke the whole case. Yeah. You make them smoke all the monster and the monster energies.


Flavors are not as fun and exciting as I hoped that they would be like.


I hope there will be one of those like Psycho Strawbery and fucking. Oh wait, never mind. I was looking at the wrong part of the website. They definitely are pretty out there. There's me a sampling.


I mean oh oh my oh oh oh oh. There's a camo one, there's a camo can and it's got, it's got the usual monster stuff in it I guess.


But it is. Oh it's classic Koula plus monster is monster assault.


Who did this on the website at Monster. We don't get too hung up on politics. We're not for the war against the war or any war for that matter.


Oh, sweet monster. You're not for the war against the war. All the politicians. I will leave the politics to the politicians to keep doing what we do best.


Make the meanest energy drinks on the planet.


Declare war on the ordinary. Yeah, exactly. Grab a monster assault and rebuild a revolution. It says this on the website Monster. You need to update your shit.


Now what? I would got to update it.


What I would recommend for the party is to just do like the traditional kind of thing where you put the Canon Monster Energy on one side and then you get just like lines of warriors with paint sticks on either side. And has Jackson moves down, he gets shocked by the paint sticks as he chants today, I'm a warrior. I am show must show you my heart. I traveled the river of blood.


And if you're doing this, you got to do muscle monster. The protein chocolate energy. Oh, absolutely.


And then he reaches the end, he drinks it. And now he has reached the age of Ascension and now he is officially a warrior at that point.


What's the what's the point of getting jacked on monster energy, energy and fucking punching the side of hearties so hard that you break the bones in your hand if you're not going to be super strong from all the chocolate protein energy? Yeah, it as well.


So it's got you need the energy. Absolutely. You need all this wild energy, but you also need the power to use it.


And that's why I offer you a choice. Put the muscle energy drink there, but then also play maybe like the spiritual energy drink there and the emotional energy drink there.


And he has to choose between the three of those now because it says on the muscle monster thing on the website, not recommended for children, people sensitive to caffeine, pregnant women or women who are nursing. And that's and hour say it's another one of the First Amendment things.


It's just another First Amendment thing. They're stacking up. You know, where it doesn't say that is over on the page for in Hydro.


Oh, you know how water sucks.


Water fucking sucks, dude. I drink it and I'm still as tired as I was before on the website Waterworld.


Seventy percent of Earth's as water world. Tell me, tell me that you this this copywriter was not had a word count. They had to hit this one.


It says Waterworld. Seventy percent of the earth is covered with water. You got bottled water from mountain glaciers, Persian Springs, tropical islands and the Arctic, there's mineralised four or five ionize electrified ballads, triple filtered and straight out of the city tap.


What's the point? You've got to hydrate every day, so you might as well enjoy a boost while you're at it. Monster Hydro noncarbonated and lightly sweetened with natural flavors to make it thirst. Quenching an easy drinking. We added just enough that monster magic by which we mean monster.


We put water to get you fired up. Here's some flavors and one of them's called Red Dog Cowboy and the next one's called Blue Stream.


There's this so thirsty over here. You know, I would like this same energy and copywriting to be put towards like sleep aids. This is like, hey, man, are you ready to sleep like a Viking, huh? You crash at the end of the day like a lightning bolt hitting a tree will. Then you need to get big dog slumber. History tells us that Vikings like to sleep on a floating bed of sticks that was on fire.


Well, actually, that's not they are not asleep. Why did you think they're asleep?


You had to wind up with a monster bed fire cuz melatonin. Valhalla, it's a no, it's a ritual. They're not asleep. Did you think they're asleep? Certainly not. Did you know that Vikings didn't even wear horns on their helmet? Now take this sleeping pill and have a good night's sleep, little baby.


Just, you know, every Viking on 16 axes. It's true. Now take a little nap, sweet boy.


How would you like to have the most visceral nightmare you ever want to drink is literally cold monster guys.


OK, well, let's take a quick break and we're going to go the money this week. Sponsor is, of course, sponsor energy. I have recently realized in the past few minutes we've likely alienated as a potential future sponsor.


But did you hear me talk about monster assault energy? I don't know that I love Liaqat Monzur energy to change their salt.




All right. Yeah, I would like to issue a challenge. I want you to pretend that I'm an alien who's landed on Earth and I have no idea what socks are. And I want you to describe them to me.


Soft shoes inside our shoes is this alien in the alien boardwalk.


Borbor Silverglade, please, Blackbaud feet, you got them. I have 18 feet. OK? You cover them or do you just walk around on your space shuttle Endeavour then with foot condoms? Yeah, that sucks, pal. Growth. No, they're really good and like, soft and they feel good.


Yours is also made of alluvium skin.


You know, they got their made like really comfortable stuff. And I mean, I'm talking about bomba socks.


I've worn like, oh, this. Why the fuck did you say that? All right.


Yeah, I didn't know because you seemed you didn't know what she was wearing. So I assume you didn't know what this brand was.


But everybody knows how comfortable and wonderful about my socks, though.


You asked me what socks were. Why did my time. Hey, don't be an asshole, man. I'm trying to help you out.


All right. Hey, by the way, Bud, partner is not a good time to visit.


Oh, yeah. Yeah, like, it's cool. And we've all been waiting for it and like, you know, arrival and all that shit, you know, give us give us time travel powers or whatever. But can you come back once we sort of got it all to your leader first.


No, fuck no. Listen, no, just go to the moon for like a month or so. It's still going to be, you know, not great in a month or so.


But if you could just work in it right now, bla bla bla bla, please. Anyway, if you buy a pair of Bambas socks, you also give a pair to people experiencing homelessness. Uh, nice, nice, warm and comfortable pair of socks from your friends at Bompas. It's it's a small comfort that's especially important right now. So if you want you can give a pair when you buy a pair and get 20 percent off your first purchase at Bambas dot com slash my brother.


That's BOEM Bascome slash my brother for twenty percent off your first purchase. Bompas Dotcom slash my brother.


I am still here. Oldest brother. Just tell me what is Brooklyn and don't.


It's a trap you know.


You fucking knows a seed for a b c or your it but you got the idea. Not just any sheets they're bleep but please.


Yeah I'm sorry about that. I apologize. Bleep Lord was my father.


I mainly know human names. Oh they're pretty close minded of you. I love this character.


Brooklyn Heights are going to be so so I could call.


I'm not going anywhere already sexy like you do. What do you look like. I got eighteen legs and six pack abs that does the math on that doesn't exactly track with the aesthetic pleasure. I've got four boobs. Brooklyn works directly with manufacturers.


Papapetrou make me wish I had six hands. The other two did choke you to death. Oh no my beautiful.


So I'm like neck Brooklyn Brooklynite or some people skip out. Make me wish you had six boobs. I am sick of losing your heart. Griffin for four. You really wish I had eight last year.


Brooklyn works directly related factors to make luxury available directly to you without the luxury level markups. They got a variety sheet, colors, patterns and materials to fit your needs and tastes and even my needs it tastes.


And Natori, Brooklyn is also notoriously forgiving for podcasts. And don't get mad at them when they talk about things that are not directly sheet related, but blah, blah, blah, blah.


You're going to love these sheets. If you haven't tried sheets yet, they're still going to be the best ones you'll ever have.


Oh, I've tried sheets.


I've got Brooklyn and sheets and comforters and pillows and even loungewear. It's twenty, twenty one.


Do something nice for yourself to start the New Year to help you do that. Brooklyn and has a special offer. Go to Brooklyn and Dotcom and he's promo cut my brother to get twenty five dollars off. When you spend one hundred dollars more plus free shipping. That's b r o k l i in e in dotcom and then a promo code my brother to get twenty five dollars off when you spend one hundred dollars more plus free shipping, Brooklyn and dotcom and you could my brother at checkout.


Hi, I'm Jill Firestone, and I'm Manolo Moreno, and we host after game show, a podcast where listeners submit games and we play them regardless of quality with a dozen listeners from around the world.


We've had folks call in from as far as Sweden, South Africa and the Philippines is an example.


This is a game we've played called cotton candy, chicken nuggets, where you have to sing any eight syllable phrase to the tune of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. You have an example, Manola?


Yeah, here's one little baby turkey turnips.


Oh, nice. Thanks. That's the game show shows new episodes every other Wednesday on Maximum Fun.


Check us out, please. Better ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba. Real quick breaking update. We still have not gotten any responses, OK, from from the pizza chains, but I do think there's a reason for that. As as a couple people pointed out in my Twitter responses, he sure was the first.


I believe there hadn't been a lot of tweeting going on actually for these particular brands. Let's check and see when the last tweets were Domino's January 6th in the morning, in the morning time yet.


Marco's Pizza, January 6th. Papa John's last tweet there was January 5th and juice.


I don't think Papa John's is going to be on the right side of history. Well, they got shot. Shall I check in? I don't know.


Pizza Hut. Last week was on January 5th. I'm noticing a pattern for this. His last tweet was January 5th.


It's taking them a long time to figure out how to denounce the violence at our nation's capital. A real long time, DeJuan.


Now, January 5th, then. None of the brands have tweeted since the events of January six in the the failed coup attempt on our nation, except for one brand who that had the guts to speak up after these shameful, shameful attacks on our democracy.


And as Charles E. Cheese.


Charles Entertainment cheese you're telling me took. So wait, so what was that? Charles Entertainment cheese. Interesting. January 8th.


Have you ever wondered what the E in Chuck E. Cheese stands for? So have we joined Chucky's friends as they go on the game show championship Chuck E Challenge to guest Chuck E's middle name. And then there's a video that's four minutes long of puppets talking about Chucky Cheese, and that was tweeted on January eight.


OK, well, not not not great.


Not great also because it's entertainment and everybody fucking know is fucking dry that, you know, adjust it if it helps.


This wasn't a response to the failed coup at our nation's capital, but on the third week of pretend like this tweet is in response to that, we're bummed to hear your experience wasn't what you had hoped for. We like to let our guest relations team know about your experience. Could you message a message with your name, phone number, email store location and visit date, please? So that's that's a tweet that was tweeted to blah blah.


I tweeted at you and I.


Yeah, no, but they were working with the FBI, Grif, and it was a sting operation. Yeah.


We didn't watch the video. Maybe at some point during the Charles Entertainment Cheese puppet video. They're like, let's explain how these accusations of voter fraud are historically mired in white supremacy. And let's just unpack that right now. It doesn't end with Trump.


Maybe there is a very thoughtful discussion of that because everybody knows the dude's middle fucking name is inequality. Yeah, yeah. It's not. It's Charles.


Equality, quality cheese. Wait, where are you going to say I am?


So what I'm going to say is I'm really excited to read the split cider article about this episode, or perhaps the AV club will get this one where they're like, I can't believe they did it. Are a lot of people thought they couldn't do it. They couldn't thread the needle and make an episode in the wake of the failed coup on our nation.


And but they did it. The boys had the perfect tone throughout the entire episode.


You almost got the kind of tumultuous landscape we were living in as they wish to a way to entertainment, not an escapist way.


No, no. I mean, like it's still kept you grounded. They fixed it all. Well, they didn't fix it because that would have been disingenuous. Now they had the perfect balance. Hey, Griffin, what do you think was the most effective thing about this episode so far and how it's dealt with the ongoing strife in our nation?


I think it's probably when we talked about the fact that isn't it silly that Chucky Cheese did a funny video right after the thing happened? And but also, that's what we are doing right now, right?


Really not exactly the same. Kind of a bit weird, but we are at least mentioning it.


Yeah, yeah, yeah. Talking about it.


And we are taking some we don't but we don't have skeeball.


We don't have we don't have skeeball, so that it pretty much bounces, we're taking a stand and equality cheese has skeeball so is balanced at this point.


Yes, I just don't know.


We didn't know what to say. I don't know what to say. I didn't as a person. We've talked about this like when is a good time? We don't want to be like a distraction from the important things going on because I think it's important to pay attention to act.


Was that addressing anger of the earlier people should go to number five calls or five calls dot org. You should go there and do something. But at the same time, like there's not going to be a cool time to do jokes, hopefully in the future. You know, I hope this is a wild suggestion, right.


This might be completely out of left field for us. It's not something we normally do, but maybe we could, like, answer a question from somebody for advice. I know this may sound peculiar, but I'm wondering how to find the child, preferably more than one. That's the end of the question. OK, they go on, sorry, there's more I missed it. There's more to read. My middle grade sci fi novel that must be a British thing.


Who knows? Middle grade, a middle school, maybe. Like for middle school. That's what I know.


I use context clues to figure out. Just trying to figure out who says middle grade. Anyway, I've just finished my first book and I would like a kid's opinion. Unfortunately, I'm twenty five and none of my friends and I wish I was twenty five.


And you are a kid and none of my friends are old enough yet to have kids in middle school. I don't have any younger siblings or cousins I can poach either. When my fellow adults read it, the reactions were good, but their opinions, while nice, are not the most important ones.


I'm willing to pay sad kids for their time, but asking to read a child seems like a tricky subject to broach the stranger know.


How do I find children who can tell me ways to improve my writing? And that's from Jamie. And here's my advice, Jamie. Maybe you can upload it to format.


No, that's not bad. Do they do books and fortnights? Yeah, there's when you're hiding from other people trying to dance on you or whatever you're like, do you want to do you want a book.


Yeah, you can.


There's they leave them around like a doctor's office. You just pick up a manuscript leaf through that real quick. Oh Lazareff like this. Oh no. He lost me or whatever.


Yeah. OK, I think I've, I think I follow, you know, another one. You could just like loiter around like a park now you know. You know what, there's no way there's let's rule out physical in person.


I mean there's an ongoing pandemic also. It's a nice thing to keep in mind.


I think clearly digital strategies and so far I think it's going to be difficult to beat for night.


What's the one, you know, I think is unfair that the website is called RS3 and there's also a very well-known person named AOC, because I have a really hard time separating those two. And I always want to say you could upload your story to AOC and then there would be a completely different she might give you some good feedback.




And she could maybe signal blasted to some of her middle middle school age followers.


Maybe if she has, she has those. I assume she she probably does. She probably does.


She's a big influence on the younger generation. I guess I'm fired in middle school. I had to read grown up books. I had to read Red Badge of Courage.


Yeah, I wrote a book. I had to read. I'm all the while I had to read it. No, I had to. You got to read like grown up old ass books, so I don't see why I fucking read a good earth.


I read an ordinary fucking people in middle school.


I'm just think that good literature is good. And so you don't need a kid seal of approval if kids can read grownup books. Can we I guess we can't read teen books. Well, all. Well, Griffin, you have your money or something. Hey, Jamie, kids deal with Scott's money. Just sell it to grownups.


Graduates are buying it for their middle school kids. If you're going up friends like it, put it put on the cover like some space aliens and laser gunfight. But also they're reading books and respecting their parents. But it's the parents.


Yeah, it's the parents who are getting it. So you need a character on the front of the book who is respectful and doing homework and will sit still for video calls with Uncle Uncle Shack. Whoa.


That you just came out.


You know, we sit here, talk about the importance of reading for young people. And, gosh, it's so important we just sit. I'm sitting here being reminded of when Graham was talking about the boring and dull, but he had to read and it reminded me of when I was in elementary school. There is this program where, like, you got points.


Oh, yeah. Accelerated reader. Yeah. Yeah. No, not book it.


That's for fucking pizzas. You got pizza points though. Accelerated Reader was like his program in school where you read books, you get points for a radio program.


And I just recalling how if your parents read books, they could get points for you as well. Oh really?


I remember Dad reading The Virginian to get points. And now and then they he had to do a quiz where he answered questions about the Virginian. And I'm sitting here thinking about that now as a 40 year old man, I'm thinking, how the fuck did that help me?


Yeah, just understand what I mean.


Is that real or was Dad cheating for you? No, dad was I mean, this was in person. He had to go in.


He came down to the school to take a test on the Virginian. It was pre covid. Yeah, of course it was pre covid Johnson. That's the part I'm worried about.


We did things a little different, a little differently back then.


I remember Accelerated Reader.


It showed you the points, how many points you could get based on the boringness of the book basically is essentially what it was. And I loved running the arithmetic in my head that I could read Last of the Mohicans or for an equal number of points I could read Twelve Animorphs.


I go for two. I think I'll go for twelve Animorphs this time.


Mr. Fenimore Cooper. Catch you next time.


I won Accelerated Reader by reading the Bible. Oh and I aced it, aced that test which I wasn't expecting. But now I can tell you every word of the Bible to this day.


It's true. Travis knows it. Travis, give me what's John.


Three fifteen as. Hey, wait for this great one.


This next one's going to hold on to your asses blown blow away. It's actually says one, two, one, two. Here comes the new shit. So it actually says D.J. Kalid, we the best music, which is bizarre to back me up Pitbull, which also here, which is weird because pit bulls are even in the Bible much. Well, not much says my name is Jesus.


And I'm here to say and I just stops there. Listen to this joke I'm about to make.


Oh, no. One stop this. This one's. Hey, how's it day here? Christians, don't give. Tell me your first job.


Three seventeen is psych John three fifteen and John three seventeen are actually both guitard dead.


I don't know that it's all going to be fun.


Thank you so much for listening to our podcast. My brother, my brother and me, we did our best. I don't know, hang in there. We're all hanging in there. We don't know. You don't know. Bye.


But you know what? Here is a weird thing. Your your listeners Tuesday were great.


On Monday, you are infinitely smarter about the world than we are currently.


But it's kind of like that thing where it's like you get one penny every day, but then like you double it and like how much you have every day. The world's entire knowledge seems to double. And it's a lot to keep up with The Great Gatsby.


Just enter public domain. So we're going to be reading all that next week. We know normally promo about one six Animorphs thanks to maximum fine for having us on the network. Lots of cool shows. They're cool shows with the jokes, some serious ones and stories, ones out there on Maximum Fun Dog.


I do want to say real quick over the merch store, we got a new pen in the month. Yeah. The three of us as Cerberus and those go to benefit the NARAL, which fights for access to abortion, care, birth control, paid parental leave and protection from pregnancy discrimination. Go check it out. There's a bunch of other stuff over there to attack, right?


Let's see.


You know, we've got to Simon's book, the sawbones paperback came out. A couple weeks ago, I'm not going to keep, you know, plugging in every week, but if you like weird medical history and we're really proud of it, it's a new version. The original hardback had some issues. This one doesn't is real good. So please go by it wherever fine books are sold. It's like two wheels, three, two weeks until our podcast book, everybody comes out.


We're having a book launch event for that on January 26th at 9:00 p.m. Eastern Time. It's a free virtual event. We've partnered with six independent bookstores. If you preorder from them, you'll get an exclusively designed booklet signed by one of us. You can get that a bit like a Mac Right podcast book event for bookstore links and more info.


Also, you're great. You're great. I think you're the bee's knees.


Get in. Get in there. Get stuck in. No, no bones about it. You want some final. Yes, but this final Yahoo! Is sent in by Bret. It's from Yahoo! Answers user questionmark. So I'm going to call them. Devin asks.


Which lizard can be held the most, 14 boy is just fine, Travis McIlroy.


Well, Griffin McIlroy, my brother my brother may kiss your dad square on the lips. OK, that was a show.


You had some fun talking for an hour and now our job is done. Go back into the World Face Day and please don't tell our grandparents all the cuss words we said. Maximum fun dog comedy and culture, artist owned, audience supported.