And I'm a firm believer that the longer you go without penetration as a woman, the deeper your voice gets.

And conversely, the more you get fucked in the tissue by a man, the higher your voice gets. The same thing can happen. And she wasn't dating. And she's you know, she's very argumentative. Like, she could be doing my makeup and she gets something in my eye. I'm like, oh, something's in my eyes that I don't see it. I'm like, well, that's great, but it's my eye. So I know that something's in there.

So I don't see anything. I'm like, well, can you fucking see? And she's like, well, wait till you're 50. You won't be able to see anything either.

But isn't that one of the main criteria to be a fucking makeup artist is to see wait till I'm 50, I'm not going to be doing fucking makeup. So who gives a shit. If I can see, I hope I can't fucking see. I've seen enough. So I put it online because I decided she needed to get penetrated and I said and I did a nice thing. I Googled. I don't know what website I was on. I just Googled, you know, popular dating sites for elderly women.

And I put on let me show you her picture. This is her. Just so you know, she's like kind of a more masculine version of Steven Tyler.

The perfectly voluble and I believe everybody should get fucked all the time. No, no, not all the time. Not as much as Shelly wants to. But, you know, you should get sex. It's important for your skin, for your mind, everything. So I go online and I make a nice, nice profile. I think it's very nice and professional profile headline Flirty, Fun, 50, fresh fish lover, fruit lover, the salmon hater looking for laughter.

Sex, fresh food. Totally like straight. Like just trying to do a nice friend, like a salad for my friend about yourself, love to laugh. I'd love to be in funny situations like my morning coffee is fucking super boring, so I just spice it up about yourself. Animal lover. True. Have two dogs, two chickens. I ride horses every morning at my neighborhood barn, but haven't written a man in years. Employment fully self-sufficient, but could get fired any day.

Body type tabulator, not because she is bad, but I just thought that was a great answer. Tell you later, here's my face, I'll show you my body later. Seeking a man who reads, likes to travel and has his own life, someone who loves to laugh and can make himself laugh because I'm not funny at all.

Age range, you are seeking 18 to 99. I mean, I'm super open minded, I'm on Tinder, I mean, I don't check it, but I'm on it. And just in case I'm in a fucking situation, I'm. Everyone should be online dating. If you don't have someone I hate, people were like, oh, I'm not going to go online. I'm happy. No, you're not. Go online, OK? And then just talk to me later.

I hate that you're seeking four feet to seven feet, 11 inches. And then I got bored because these profiles, if you've ever done them, they take like three days and you have to punch in your credit card information over and over again and then your zip code. And I was like, oh, my God, enough already. And then so I had to amuse myself at the end because I was pretty straight laced. And so it said ideal first date.

And she hates guys into her, into sports or who play sports. So then I was just kind of having fun because I knew she would never see this. And I said ideal first date waking up early. Football Sunday, making my signature homemade chili recipe and getting to suck main deck while the game is on. And she got a ton of responses, I mean, you wouldn't believe my phone was blowing up. I mean, every day was like a wink, wink, wink, whatever the hell they're called.

And I you know, I didn't let her see the profile. I didn't even know how to see the profile. And so tons of guys, I was like, oh, this is great. And I made her agree. I'm like, you have to go out with 10 guys. One guy you're going to have sex with out of ten, you have to go out with ten. But every guy had like facial hair and was holding like a huge fish, not facial bald, but with facial hair, like bald men with like split ends on their face and then holding like a huge striped bass or Chileans.

And I didn't know. And they're all on like fucking fishing boats. And I was just like, oh, and I'd show her. And she's like, why is every guy on a boat? They caught a fish for you, every single guy caught a fucking fish look at a city like fish, they catch a fish. You're not going to fuck this guy. Come on.

Things are different than the last decade when you had sex.

The last time a guy gets you a fish, you better fuck the shit out of him. I found out later I was on Sea Captain's dog, but I never told her that. And she's super into horses and she has a horse, and so this one guy, I doctored his I was like, look, he's and I just clicked on, you know, you can click all these things. I said, look, he's taking horseback riding lessons.

And then she looks she goes online. Michael, this is sure he's got a fish, he's got an online horse, I mean, you're not going to fuck him either. So first I said, hey, listen, OK, you're ready to do this, I need to know what's going on in this area because a lot of changes are happening. You know, people think they're making a move and then you find out move isn't so great. You know, I got laser hair removal because I'm fucking gay.

Guy that I was friends with was like, oh, are you lasering or Beever? I'm like, oh, should I? I mean, it's like ten years ago, should I get laser? Because, yeah, everybody's doing it. Why the fuck am I taking advice from a gay guy who's never going to fuck me. And so I'm sitting there in start ups in my fucking R2 d2 glasses while they're like lasering off my labia, getting laser hair removal treatments, the most undignified thing you could do as a woman just to hook up with somebody from fucking Braveheart.

I'm like, oh, thank you for giving me that head's up so that I can go wax my vagina and fuck a guy who's on the Game of Thrones. I mean, go fuck yourself. And then I find a big hairy 70 bushes are coming back into style.

Oh, that's solid. What the fuck am I supposed to do? Forget Plug's. All I have left is an E and an exclamation point. Stream, Chelsea Handler, Uganda, be kidding me, only on Netflix.