So Louis C.K. tried to get me fired from SNL my first year, and this is that story. So it's like 12, 14 or 15 and it's the finale of SNL. And I was so shocked and happy that I didn't get fired. And this is a feeling that I get to relive every week. I just it's it's really awesome. I can't I still can't believe it's very funny. So I was just celebrating, you know, Louis C.K. was hosting and at the time, Louis C.K. was like a very well respected comedian, like at the time.

But yeah, at the time he was someone that you would look up to and want approval of at the time. At the time, it was someone you wanted to be nice to you anyway, so he was hosting and I was just thrilled.

So I smoked a joint in my dressing room. And as I was leaving to go into the elevators, Louis C.K. was like holding court and talking to, like a bunch of the cast and writers and like cool people and like they were like clearly very into a conversation.

So I was just like, I don't want any part of that. Like, you know, I'm high. I don't want to, like, ruin it for anybody or like I don't want that guy to know I exist, you know? So I just put my hoodie on and I closed it really tight and I walked all the way around to the other side of the elevators so I could not, you know, be in the way at all. And so I pressed the button and I'm just waiting there.

And then all of a sudden, Louis C.K. stops this conversation. He looks up and points at me and goes, look how fucking high speed is that fucking idiot just getting fucking high at work, you stupid fuck. You're going to smoke a real white idiot.

I was, like, so high. I was like, that didn't happen. Now, this is a meat issue for sure. You probably said tomorrow, champ, you know, I'm probably. So I go to work the next day and I get a phone call from Lorne Michaels office, this was alarming because I've been there for a year and I have yet to hear from his office until today.

So I was like, oh, shit, you know, so answer the phone.

And they're like, Hey, Louie just left Lorne's office. He went in there to talk about you. And now Lorne wants you to talk to you now. And I was like, oh, fuck. All right. You know, because I was like, now I'm getting fired, you know, like, this is what I thought. So I was just trying to, like, hype myself up, just like I was just like, you know, fuck them.

They're the ones who look stupid. Anyway, they hired and fired you. They're wrong twice, you know.

Yeah. So he could just creep into the back a while now and nobody even fucking noticed who gives a shit. Right. So I was walking into his office just trying to feel better and whatever. And I open the door and Lauren's sitting there. Right.

And he looks really confused, as do I, because, you know, I was just like how I look. You know, I look like, you know, you just asked me to, like, divide. Anyway, so he looks very confused and he's like, sit down, so I do.

And he goes, So Louis came in and told me that you smoke weed.

And I was like, yes, the rumors that you have heard ring true. And then I saw with his eyes, he kind of looked deflated like he didn't know what to say, you know, like with his eyes, he's like, I'm sorry, we're having this conversation. But like Louis told on you and he told me to talk to you. And like, you know, personally, I think this is a big deal because people used to come here.

And I kind of think you're a pussy, actually. So I'm really sorry we're having this conversation, you know, and I read that with his eyes and with my eyes. I said, no doubt, homie. So. You know, it was just like awkward for another second and it was quiet and then he goes, yes.

So I guess, you know, what you could do is I guess, you know, because he said you smoke a lot of weed, so maybe you could just, like, watch the amount of weed that you smoke.

And I was like, all right, I'll watch. I was like, I'll never leave it out of my sight. I was like, no. The man of my word and I was like, he goes, Yeah, he goes, I'm again, I'm sorry to have this conversation with you, but Louis brought to my attention, said, you know, you smoke your career way and you smoke so much weed in the office the other day that it actually made him uncomfortable.

And I was like, oh, shit, really? And he's like, yeah.

And I was like, oh, so I am I fired. And he was like, no. And I was like, Why? And he was like, oh.

Which again, is a conversation we have yearly on a yearly basis. Is this the I don't know and I don't know, we'll figure, we'll figure it out. I don't know. And that fucking killed me, you know, like I had to leave that office, like with that, you know, just like Louis C.K. doesn't like you, you know, one of the best comedians arguably ever, you know, and especially at a time like one, it just killed me, you know, because it's like, why am I even doing standup?

But if this guy doesn't like me, you know, that's from somebody whose approval you want. And I was like, this guy fucking doesn't like me because I smoke weed. That's that's sucks, you know? And I had to, like, sit with that for like five years, you know, and then one glorious morning. I woke up and I read Louis C.K. Jerks off in front of women. And I went, yes. I've said, you know what I mean, like, I didn't want it to happen, but if it was going to happen to anybody, I'm glad it was hit.

That makes sense. OK.

No, it's just let me just tell you how crazy it is to jerk off alone, OK? Yeah. Just just be in the room with me, you know, is it OK? So just, you know, jerking off alone is fucking weird. You ever, like, jerk off and it's taking a long time and you can't even make yourself come and you're like, you're a fucking loser. Can't even do yourself. What makes you think anybody else would want to do it?

You know, you have a cat, there's that old tale, you catch yourself in the mirror.

That's happened to me, actually, because I'm stupid. Not never again, because now I jerk off in the pitch black. Yeah, I do phone face down, you know, because you could get a text and it can reflect off the mirror and then you can catch yourself in the corner jerking off mom text at the top, even try to jerk off after getting a mom text.

It's damn near impossible. I didn't say impossible, but it is damn near for sure. It was one of the hardest things I've had to do. But not just a bum me out here and all this shit, because, like, I just felt bad for all those women that he jerked off in front of.

It's just really sad, you know, because it really affected them. And like, if they only knew that, like, you know, when Louis, like, whipped out his dick, you sort of jerk it. If they just, like, lit up a blunt, he would have been like, oh, fuck, is that we.

Holy shit, you fucking animals. I'm telling you, pieces of shit. Oh, fuck. You're going to smoke away your career.

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