My wife quit sugar in January because she ate cookies like a monster through December and January 1st came marching into the kitchen.

That's it. I'm never eating sugar again. Yes, you are. And you're going to eat more than you ever had before. And not because you're weak, but because you're a human being and you get sad sometimes and to stop yourself from slitting your own throat, eat a cookie once in a while. I have friends in my life that don't eat bread anymore. They don't eat bread, they don't eat bread. They're going to lose three and a half pounds.

No one's ever going to know. And they don't even read. Why are you even here? Could you imagine no toast in the morning with butter for the rest of your life? Kill yourself. Make some room for people who know how to live. I know it's hard, I know I feel the pressure to everyone in your face, can you do more, lose more weight, be better. And I get it. I get it. They show you the ads for the gym.

You know, they always show you try to get you to join up to show you the before and after guy. I was like the before guy, frankly. Yeah, looks a little chubby. He also looks like he has a box of donuts and a lot of friends. That after guys got a weird look in his eye. Looks like he takes his shirt off when he shouldn't. They're always getting in our face. Yeah, well, other generations were skinnier.

Yeah, well, their lives were miserable. Gandhi didn't look like Gandhi because he was killing its soul cycle.

He had a horrible life. He wore a diaper and a butterfly's for lunch. Every show is a makeover segment on it now, right? They always take some woman tell us she's not good enough and therefore no women watching are good enough. It's always a mom, always just a worker.

Right. Fifteen kids and 20 animals. Driving around in her cheerio covered minivan, Jim, think her life is going to go this way now? She thought she was going to be a princess. So they told her her whole life, you're a princess. And on her wedding day, she thought she made it. They dressed up like a snow queen. They took pictures of her next to the duck pond. She thought she did it. She woke up the next morning.

They took her veil away, gave her some sweatpants and told her to get to work. But she doesn't care, she loves this family, dedicates her life to these people, she's an angel here on Earth. And what does her family do in return? They pop out of a pantry on national TV and scream in her face. We're giving you a makeover. I thought I looked OK. No, you're disgusting. We had a meeting when you were making us lunch and we decided we're not going to look at this anymore.

Then they drag her ass to the Today Show, they put her in clothes she can never afford or where she can wear heels this big, they're going to get stuck in the field when she's putting up the soccer nets. Hair and makeup you can never replicate on her own without an extra three hours in the morning before the school bus comes and this is the worst part, a national TV show comes walking on our heels, trying not to fall her families in front of.

They start crying in her face. Oh, my God, you're beautiful. You look nothing like you. Watch, Tom, Papa. You're doing great only on Netflix.