Hey there, it's Alex Sujong-Wafflin. And Kelsey McKinnie from Normal Gossip. Thank you so much to everyone who's already donated to Radiotopia's fall fundraiser. If you haven't donated to the network before, you might wonder, Where exactly do my dollars go? The short answer is your donation goes to normal gossip and all the shows in our network. So we can keep making the shows that you love listening to. The podcasts that are a part of Radiotopia are independent and listener supported, meaning we all retain full ownership of our stuff and get to make the creative and business choices that are right for us. The longer answer is that.

It.

Takes nine weeks to produce a normal gossip episode from beginning to end. Nine weeks. And guess what? We have shortened that. For each episode, we have to read through gossip submissions, pick a story, anonymize it, write the script, choose a guest, record the story, and then edit it all the way through. Radiotopia makes it possible for us to make this show exactly the way we want to with every weird sound effect.

Special recorder orchestra.

And all the deranged bits. Truly, the best part is that Radiotopia trust creators so much that we don't even have to send them cuts of episodes before we publish. It's wild. Your donations make all of this possible. Head to radiotopia. Fm/donate to make a tax deductible contribution and support our work. And when you do, you'll receive a special curated playlist from Radiotopia that we put together just for you. Visit radiotopia. Fm/donate to learn more. We'll also have the link in the description of this episode and the link in our bio on Instagram. Thank you so much. Hello, and welcome to Normal Gossip. I'm Kelsey McKenney, and in each episode of this podcast, we're going to bring you an anonymous morsel of gossip from the real world. I am thrilled to have with me today my coworker, Maitreyi Anantaraman. Let's go. Let's fucking go. Let's go. Would you say that we're back?

We're so back. We're so back. Though, honestly, I don't know if it was ever over.

Oh, wow, that's so true. Let me introduce you so these people know who you are. Maitreyi is a staff writer at Defecter, where she covers women's basketball and lots of other sports. She lives in Detroit. Mythree, welcome to the show.

Thank you for having me. I'm so glad.

You're here. Let me ask you a question that I didn't prepare you for. I'm sorry, but which sport do you think is gossipiest? I'm going to go.

With baseball because I feel like there's a lot of downtime where you're just sitting there, like all those guys standing in the dugout. What do they have to do except talk?

Do you think the Detroit Tiger's gossip?

I do not think the Detroit Tiger's gossip. I don't really think they're observant enough to gossip. Do you ever watch those mic'd up videos of players? Yes. They're never saying anything interesting.

You're right. Because they're like, What are you thinking? And the outfielder is like, I'm thinking about whether he's going to hit the ball or not. And you're like- Yeah.

They don't quite have the rich in our lives. We would like them too.

I heard that you brought a little gossip story for us. Is that true?

I did bring you some gossip. You can have some gossip.

As a treat. Oh, my God. As a little treat? Thank you.

As a little treat. This gossip involves a relative of a relative. And when I say that, I'm not quite doing the little cutesy, anonymizing thing you do here because I truly do not know who they are. Well, I've had a brief interaction, as you will hear, but I don't actually know their name or how I'm related to them. Okay. Yeah. Possibly this is like a South Asian-American thing where you have all this extended family whose connection to you you can't quite ascertain. Or it's all explained. It's in very complicated way. Maybe all people with big families have this. I don't know. Anyway, so in the course of visiting family whose names I do know, I end up in a group of people who are going to drop this guy who is somehow related to me off at the airport. And he's flying back home after a long visit. It's an international flight. So we're at the airport. I'm not really paying attention too much because I don't know who he is again. He's at the counter thingy. I think he's fuzzing with the suitcase or having some conversation with the counter agent person there. Anyway, that seems to get resolved.

I don't know what's going on. I'm just people watching eavesdropping, looking at the departure, arrival boards, just vibing. Anyway, we say we bid farewell to this guy, and then we're on our way. This guy? Oh, yes, farewell guy, I do not know. And then we are on our way home from the airport. Right. And relative I do know on the way home, we're like, Oh, that's so tough. A guy we just dropped off at the airport had to pay extra or check an extra bag because of the giant tub of protein powder, he couldn't fit everything.

I'm like- Excuse me? I do.

Not know of the giant tub of protein powder. I'm afraid I'm unfamiliar with this tub of protein powder. Now I'm told the story of the giant tub of protein powder. Oh, no. And it is this. A guy we just dropped at the airport has this friend back home. That's not like a euphemism for him. It's an actual separate person. An actual person. An actual friend. Okay, got it. And this friend has recently met a woman online, and it's getting pretty serious. They have maybe video-chatted a few times, and now they're getting ready to meet in person soon and to take it to the next level.

Terrifying. Absolutely terrifying. Sure.

The only issue is this friend, when he was creating his online dating profile, made some digital enhancements, let's say. Namely, he has photoshoped abs onto his body. Oh, no. Now he has to go meet this sweet lady, this unsuspecting woman. And he's like, Oh, shoot. Now I have to develop six pack. I gather that his plan is to consume this top-of-the-line protein powder he has asked his friend to bring back home to him. And then, I don't know, step three, profit? Profit, question mark. I don't know how it ended up going. I wish them the best of luck, though I don't actually know that the outcome, the best outcome is the same for both of them. I think worst case, you walk into that meeting and you're like, I've got some good news. I've got some bad news. The bad news, I do not have a six pack. But the good news, and maybe you will find this quality more attractive, I have really good photo editing skills.

I also think that this is funny because of the premise that just eating a lot of protein powder would give you a six pack. Just by the scoop back. Yeah, just dry scooping a bunch of protein powder into your body is going to give you muscle mass. That's incredible, and I wish that were true. There's a showing up and being like, Listen, I don't have the abs, but I am trying. And so maybe in four months, I will have them. That is admirable and I like it.

Yeah. And people are always saying, My partner takes terrible pictures of me. This seems like someone who's really going to want to capture you in a flattering light.

Wow. You're right. You're right. It's a huge pro to be like, You can take photos of me, but then can you photoshot my good face? Yeah, which would.

You really have to- Someone with abs or someone who's going to make your grid look fantastic?

I don't know. Grid, 100 % grid. Abs don't last forever. Grid editing skills are forever. Okay. Would you like to hear the gossip that I have prepared for you?

Yes. I hope there's no protein powder involved.

In it. There is no protein powder. Thank God.

That's the Kelsey guarantee.

Today's story takes place a little bit before your time. The year is 2006. Do you remember 2006?

I do remember 2006. I'm not 12 years old, actually.

What? Tell me what you remember about 2006.

When was 2006? I guess I was eight years old in 2006, so I really don't remember much. I think I was in third grade, maybe. That was pretty sick. That was probably one of my favorite grades.

Wow! Learning about multiplication.

Oh, yeah, doing math. I remember third grade, I made this really, I'm saying I, and it was entirely my mother, made this really sick posterboard about giraffs. And she made it so that the neck of a giraffe was coming off the posterboard. What the fuck? Yeah, truly a top mom project.

Wow, she's an artist.

If you're asking me what I remember about culture or events in 2006? Very little.

You know what? This is a story about mom projects. So thank you for doing that transition for me. Since you don't remember a lot of the culture, I will give you some context. This is a couple of years after Mean Girls came out. It's Tina Fays' last season on Saturday Night Live. It's Brittany Spears' Sierra hours.

Let's go.

People are still wearing juicy couture, but we're like one year before Gossip Girl comes out.

I see. Okay. That was great, scene-setting.

Thank you. Our friend of a friend today, we're going to call her Carla. Carla is in her mid, late 20s, and she's just moved to the middle of the country. She moved because her fiancé lives there, but that's literally not important to our story, and we're going to forget it immediately. She's a teacher. She was a teacher at a private school out west, so she's looking for a comparable job in her new city. She finds a job at an all-girls private school. It's a big campus, one of those schools that has its own fancy grass and its own drive-through.

They have grounds or something?

They have grounds.

Is it one of the schools that's called the proper name school or something?

Yes. This school is very big and elite. We are going to call it St. Agatha's of misery for our purposes.

Okay, all right.

And at St. Agatha's of misery is where Carla becomes Miss Carla. Do you know anything about private schools?

I did not go to private schools, no.

Yeah, me neither. But I have done some research, and so I can tell you that this one was very exclusive. There's a long test, like multiple days that you have to take to get in. They have to wear a uniform. So it's like, think Ladybird. Everyone's wearing a plad skirt and a white shirt.

Nice. I do dig the look.

Yeah. Miss Carlos' first semester goes okay. Her colleagues are nice. The girls are super smart, but a little difficult interpersonally. From the girls' accessories, she can tell that they are rich-rich. They have Ugg boots. They have that Tiffany necklace that had the little heart and the little lock thing on it.

Oh, yeah. Now we're in business.

They drive brand new Hummers. They have perfectly clear skin, even though they're 15 years old. Miss Carlos is like, I like this job fine. I'm working a normal amount. The biggest problem is the parents.

The parents will get you.

And these parents are always emailing her. How is my daughter doing? What does my daughter need to do for class? Does my daughter need help in math? And so by the holiday break, Ms. Carla is like, Thank God that I did not have to deal with any of these people for a whole month. She gets her whole month off. Her girls go skiing in the Alps or something. After the holiday break, she feels renewed. She's like, Okay, here we go. New semester. Everything's going to be fine. Okay, the teachers gather for a meeting the first week back from holiday break because the principal is like, There are lots of things happening in the spring. We've got graduation. We have girls switching grades. We have end of year awards. We have sports. We have prom. And the teachers are expected to sign up for one of these things to help with it.

They got to chaperone stuff.

One.

Of my best friends is a teacher. Okay. And I was going to go visit her and she was like, Do you want to come chaperone prom with me? And I was like, That is not really a thing I would like to do, but good luck. Good luck chaperoning prom.

Chaperoning prom is just like asking people to stand three inches further.

Apart, right? It's like investigating the punch. Do people actually like spike punch or is that a sitcom thing?

I don't know. I feel like it's a sitcom thing. I feel like most of what working a prom is just trying not to make eye contact with your students while they grind. The first one of these duties that comes up in this meeting is called the celebration performance.

Okay, that sounds like a private school thing.

Would you like to guess what this is?

Do they do a performance? Are the kids performing something?

Someone is going to do a performance for sure. But Miss Carla doesn't know who. Everyone at this teacher meeting is immediately like, Oh, my God, Miss Carla should do that. She's like, Me? Why? The other teachers are like, You're new. It would give you an opportunity to meet the parents. It would be really fun for you. A few of the teachers are like, I don't know, should we let Ms. Carla do the celebration performance? It's an honor.

They're like, and it's- Are they trying to reverse psychology her? Now she's like, Wait, hey, I will definitely... I'm definitely capable of doing the celebration performance.

Yes, and it works.

These are very.

Smart teachers. The teachers are like, It's the 25th anniversary. It's going to be a lot of work. I don't know if you want to do it.

She's like, How dare you. I'll do a celebration performance.

She's literally like, I will run the best celebration performance ever. Whatever, I'll do it. And the other teachers are like, Okay, we'll let you. Are you sure you want to do it? What do you think? Do you think she should do this?

I think she's going to do it. I don't think she should do it.

Why?

I don't really think you should volunteer for lots of work.

Ms. Carla is like, Well, they're saying it's an honor. I have to sign up for something. She's like, Yeah, I'll do it. And as soon as she's agreed, they decide to tell her what she signed up for.

Oh, yeah. She should also have asked maybe what exactly she was signing up for.

Maybe one or two questions.

That's maybe a lesson for next time. A tip for next time, Carla, is maybe don't sign up for stuff before you know what it is.

What she has signed up to leave is a special St. Agatha of misery tradition, where the mothers of the seniors write and perform a variety show to celebrate their daughters.

Oh, Carla. Oh, Carla.

I will now give you a little bit of a history of this program. Please feel free to weigh in with judgments. This began in the '80s as, quote, a little treat for moms.

Of course. Moms are always looking for treats, aren't they?

They love treats. And this was a treat to celebrate their daughters getting into college.

Oh, okay.

So it's like, You got your daughter into college. She didn't get pregnant. She has really shiny hair. You succeeded.

And so naturally, you must do a performance together. Shout out to my mom for just doing my third grade giraffe project and not really getting involved beyond that.

That seems like a nice use of her ambition and resources, unlike this, which is like a way for rich people to feel creative. Right.

They're always looking for that.

The first show in the '80s was just a very cute little sketch about the Girls in the grade. But this is the school that has a bunch of returning alumni. And so each year has been the stakes have raised. A show in the 90s got written up in the city paper, and after that, it was like the wheels fucking fell off. Moms began hiring off-broadway producers who had won an Independent Spirit Award to try and help them. Oh, okay. Once all the moms reenacted most of Ghostbusters with a whole song and dance.

Okay, I want to watch that.

Last year, the best sketch they did was a play on rent. One of the moms hired a Golden Globe winning costume designer to make the costumes. Wow.

Couldn't get a real award winner to design it.

Golden Globe, okay. Golden Globe, okay. Not an Oscar.

Talk to me with an Emmy. Talk to me what's an... Yeah.

So this is what Miss Carla has inadvertently agreed to. It's 2006. This is the 25th show. This is the heyday of white people wrapping.

That's not good.

Okay. Yeah. It's like Natalie Portman on SNL doing that Harvard sketch. It's like the Andy Sandburg Cinematic Universe is at its full peak. And after she has agreed to this, the other teachers tell her that the parent show has had 10 faculty advisors in the last 10 years.

That's not good. It's like, it's like, cursed then, right?

It seems a little cursed. And they're like, But Miss Carla, you're going to do such a good job and it's such an honor.

So it's not really the case that they need a new volunteer every year. It's just that everyone's been quitting after one year. Yes.

Okay. Exactly. And then she's told two things to make her feel better. The first is the performance isn't until May, so you have tons of time to prepare. The second is that the performance is for charity. How do you feel?

Why is that part supposed to make her feel better?

I don't know. I think because it has a purpose other than the mom's egos.

Interesting. What's the charity?

Good question. Ms. Carlet is not told.

All right, mystery cause. I don't know how I feel about that.

Ms. Carlet is assigned to this whole show at the staff meeting on January seventh. On January eighth, she receives an email. I will now read it. Subject line, St. Agatha's of misery. Variety show 25th anniversary edition. Estimation point. C-c-d-72 email addresses.

Is that all moms?

It is all moms.

Oh, that's so many people.

Yes. Here is the body. Hello, fighting bells moms.

Fighting bells.

The.

Mascot. What are the sports at this school looking like?

I would guess field hockey.

Oh, yeah. Lacrosse, field hockey. Softball. Oh, yeah, lacrosse, field hockey.

Yeah, like that vibe. Okay, here's the body. The time has come to begin our plans for the Variety show. Our big day is only four months away, and we want this long-standing tradition to continue as a heartwarming and exciting event. This is the most intense experience you will ever have as a mother at St. Agatha's of misery.

Wow.

Okay. But don't worry! We will support each other.

I don't think... Okay, that sentence, I don't know if I like because it could be read as intense good, and then there's the butt appended to it, right?

Yes. But you'll survive. You'll live, hopefully.

You'll live.

Next paragraph. All moms are expected to participate.

It's mandatory for moms?

It is mandatory for moms. Interesting. The goal is to have lots of fun, in all caps, while raising money for a good cause. Everyone, please say hello to our new faculty advisor, Ms. Carla. I'll let her take it from here. It is signed thanks, Ava Jean.

Ava Jean. Ava Jean is a mom?

She's a mom.

All right.

You are Ms. Carla. You have received to this email a single day after being assigned this celebration performance. What do you want to do with it?

I think my style would just be like, All right, ladies, have fun.

Good luck. Let me know if you need anything. That is what Carly is planning.

To do. Okay. Because you don't want too many cooks in the kitchen, right? You don't want... So there are 72 moms receiving female plus Ava Jean. That's 73. I don't know if we need a 74th cook in the kitchen. So yeah, I think I'm just going to go with the, good luck if you need me to book you the gymnasium to practice or whatever. It's a private school. They probably have a special.

Rehearsal room or something.

And then I'm just going to sit back in the front row, accept my flowers when they present them to me at the performance and just be like, Okay, have fun. Enjoy your intense experience.

Yes. Ms. Carly gets this email at 10:00 AM during her first off period. She ignores it because she's like, One, it is January.

Wow. She's just like me for real, ignoring emails.

Same. She's like, One, it's January. This performance is not until May. I am not dealing with this right now too. I have to teach classes. I do not have time for this. Six hours later, at 4:00 PM, she receives another email, subject line, five question marks. It is from Ava Jean.

Oh, Ava Jean.

Here's what it says. Hi, Ms. Carla! Exclamation point.

Wow, she hates her so much. I can just.

Tell her. Why?

Hi, exclamation point? That's something you only send someone if you hate them. I love that.

I think that that's true. Okay. Hi, Ms. Garla. I know you're new here, but this production is very important.

All right. She hates her so much now. I know you're new here.

It's necessary, in italics, that you respond to emails within a few hours of receiving them so that all the moms know that you're taking this seriously.

Anytime you're using italics?

Yeah, and all caps.

Not an email you want to receive?

No. Next line. I know it's your first year, so maybe the standards weren't communicated to you? The next step on your end would be to schedule a meeting for this week. Thank you, Ava Jean.

Okay. I like that I'm just told exactly what I have to do in.

That email.

Schedule a meeting.

All right.

I guess I'm glad I have one action item, but I do not like the rest of that email.

Okay. How would you do that action item?

I guess it's 2006. I don't know what the Gcal situation is, but I'll book us a room. Where do you fit? Seventy-three people. I don't know.

-73 people. Yes. Outside. This is exactly Miss Carlos' problem. She's like, Seventy-four people is too many people. I don't want to talk to them. I don't want them all in one room. That's my nightmare. She's also like, I am not responding to this passive-aggressive email from Ava Jean. Like, no. Good for her. She responds to the original email, which everyone is cc'd on. And it's like, Hello, sorry for the delay. I was really busy teaching your daughters. Before all of us get together, which seems like it's going to be a little chaotic, I was hoping that we could have a small group meeting with just a couple of leaders to figure out what the method might be.

I like that. See, this is why she's a teacher and I'm just.

Like- A blogger.

-a blogger. Yeah. She's got a very good way of organizing large groups.

So she is like, we'll meet on Thursday. You can come to my office, no more than four of you. So just let me know who's going to be the leaders of this group.

Okay. So that seems like maybe giving them a little too much freedom to freak out and who's going to be the leader or something. I think she should have just... I was going to say randomly selected them, but I have to imagine there are a few moms who are not as enthusiastic about this. I don't know. Yes.

She watches them go back and forth in emails for days. Oh, okay.

That's actually a good stalling tactic. Go figure that out. Check with feeling. Good luck.

Finally, they respond and they're like, Okay, we've elected three leaders, Odet, Pilar, and Ava Jean.

Ava Jean.

Ms. Carla has no context for these women. So she's like, My first step is I'll figure out what's up with their daughters. So she figures out what's up with their daughters, and they're all good students, polite, not a lot to learn from that. She's like, But that doesn't mean that their moms are the same, and they're coming to her office for a meeting. Would you do any recon to figure out who these women are? Or are you going in blind?

Yeah, I don't know. I think I'm just going to go in blind because that is a lot of extra work on my end. And I've got this job teaching, right? Yeah.

Miss Carla is like, This is a small school. I will simply seek information from a veteran teacher.

Teacher gossip is quite something. When I did eventually go visit my friend and we did not chaperone prom together, I went to her teacher trivia. And the volume of gossip, I was pretty taken aback by how much God... It made me rethink my own life as a student because she was like, So tell me this email about like, did I miss anything? Yeah, like, Yeah, you obviously missed something. What do you think we did it? Oh, my God. I've told you I've sent that email in my life. I was just sitting there quietly, listening to the questions being like, Oh, God. I need to go send an apologetic email to everyone I've ever been a student of. But I think that's a good idea to consult other teachers to see what you can find.

Yeah. So she goes and gets information. I will now tell you what information she receives. What she learned about is that she went to Harvard, worked at the Lampoon.

Oh.

Why are you making that sound?

She's one of those Harvard, Lampoon types. Exciting.

All right. Yeah. She's a writer.

I feel like they all just end up writing in the Simpsons writing room or something like that.

Yeah. She married a hedge fund guy out of college, so she is new money.

That's the way to do it. Mary Rich, okay?

The next mom she learns about is Audette. She's an executive at a marketing firm. She has long hair that's like, dark as the night. She has lots of family money.

We have such a range of wealth.

In this little group. I know. Everyone rich, but in different ways.

It's nice. Diversity matters, right?

Yes. And her mom led the first ever one of these.

So she's invested. She's really invested in this... In the legacy of the... What is it called? Celebration performance? Sure. I was... Those words, I.

Don't remember the order. It's close enough, yeah. The third mom is named Palar, and she is a corporate executive at a big accounting firm. She's best friends with O'Ded and is an uptight Cheryl Sandburg type.

Oh, she's leaning in.

She's leaning into this performance, and she's also leaning into always wearing monochrome. She's also told by the other teacher that all three of these women are very big donors to the school and should be kept happy.

Oh, okay.

They all arrive at her classroom 10 minutes early.

Of course they do.

Why do you say that?

Because they're such go getters. They're leaning into... Being on time. -performing celebration, leading into being on time. Being on time... Being early is being on time, and being on time is being late.

Yeah. They arrive with binders and binders of information. Printed out scripts, collages they've made. They are all rapidly.

Talking about it. Wow. So how far in advance are they really thinking about this? I guess the whole time their kids are in school, right? They're gearing up for the... So they've had like... What is this? K-12 situation? Yes.

Okay, wow. They've had plenty of time. And it rapidly becomes clear to Ms. Carla that all three of these women want to write the show.

How.

Do you figure out which one should?

Well, It have they already written their own things? I think I'm just trying to buy more time away from them by being like, All right, why don't you three each write something? And then I will choose one.

I love that. Ms. Carlet is like, What if you just each wrote a third of it?

Okay, yeah, divide it. I don't know how coherent the script is going to be.

The women begin freaking out at this suggestion. They're like, No, no, no, no, no, no, no. There is always one headwriter? Are you crazy? There would be no continuous voice? We cannot share. This unifies them against her, and they're all making their cases. Odet is like, I have family history here. It would be nice continuity for me to do the 25th anniversary. Pilar is like, I should be allowed to do it because I have a great understanding of physical comedy.

Okay. I would ask her to demonstrate such understanding.

Yeah. She's like, I understand how people function in space and how that can be funny.

Interesting. Did she enter the meeting in a crazy way? Like Kramer running into the door?

Probably. Okay. Ava Jean is like, I don't even understand why we're having this conversation. I am a professional writer.

That's true. She does have a point there.

Ms. Carla is like, We're at an impasse here. Does anyone have an argument for how we can resolve this? And Ava Jean is like, Yeah, I think I should be allowed to do it. I'm a professional writer, and also I have more time than them. They are both corporate executives.

Ava Jean is making points.

She's making points. Oden and Pilar are like, Okay, we should not be discriminated against because we have real jobs with offices. We shouldn't be penalized for being working mothers.

True. True. Yeah, lean in. And then Ava.

Jean is like, I'm not trying to penalize you. I'm trying to keep you from being completely overwhelmed. This meeting, in total lasts two and a half hours.

Right. And they haven't actually accomplished anything except fighting.

By the end of it, they agree that Ava Jean will be headwriter. All right. And that she will turn in her first script the first week of February. We will now skip forward. The first week of February, Ava Jean's draft arrives in Ms. Carla's inbox, and it is very long. It is 150 pages in script format.

One-fifty? One-fifty. What is the translation between a page of a script? You'll know this as someone who works.

With scripts. One page in a technical script should be approximately one minute.

Okay, so that's a lot of minutes.

It is quite a lot of minutes.

Is this thing usually that long?

No.

Oh, okay.

No, it is not. Ms. Carla reads it and she's like, Oh, my God. This is way too long. But she's also like, It is funny. Okay. It's a little funny. Ava Jean is cooking? Ava Jean is cooking a little bit. And Ms. Carla is like, Maybe we let her cook. Maybe we just see what happens. Let her cook, yeah. Because she's learning a lot of gossip here. She learns that Odette failed biology in high school and had to lie to get into college.

Oh, there's a grudge-based aspect to this script?

Yes.

Okay.

There is a like, if we can't make fun of ourselves, who can we make fun of vibe. Ms. Carlos learns that Pilar demands that all of her rugs be scrubbed with a toothbrush to get them clean. And she learns that some other mother has had three nose jobs.

So it's like 150 minutes self-roast, basically?

Yes. Okay. Yes. She learns that someone runs spot $20,000 worth of purses just by accident while drunk on vacation.

I'm talking myself into, They should stage this full production for all 150 minutes of it.

Yes. And Miss Carla is like, I love learning that St. Agathes of misery used to be a cotton mill where 50 people died and is now haunted by the ghost of cotton past. Okay. Sure. Who among.

Us hasn't taught at a haunted mill school?

Ms. Carla emails Avajin back and is like, Okay, this is really funny, way too long, but good job. And Ava Jean is like, Thank you so much. And Ms. Carla is like, Okay, I'm going to cut it down. What's the next step? Ava Jean is like, The next step is a full table read.

A 74-person table read? You're going to need a pretty big table for that one.

You're going to need the biggest table of all time. A seat at the table for everyone. How are you feeling at this point?

Let's check in emotionally. I'm really focused on the table logistics here.

I think they're actually going to sit in an auditorium. So it's more of an auditorium read.

Okay.

Ms. Carly makes a bunch of cuts. She gets the script down to 90 pages. That's a.

Pretty good job. I find it very difficult to cut things. And so good for her. Because that's not really her job. No. She's teaching.

Yeah. She gathers all the moms together. They all get together. And it takes a while because all the moms are busy and have activities and doodle poles don't exist yet. So it just takes two weeks to get them all in one room. The only time they're all available is a Friday at 5:00 PM.

Everyone loves having meetings at that time. That's the meeting hour.

She gets them all at the meeting hour into a theater Friday at 5:00 PM to read through the script. They start reading and there's a scene five pages in that Miss Carly did not understand. It's a sketch about receipts where one woman is going around getting receipts from everyone else on stage and handing them off to someone who's going to play her husband. And for each one, she looks at it and it's like, pedicure, that's a business expense. Dance lessons, business. And the receipts are supposed to be really long, like CVS receipts. So the idea is that the husband in the end would be holding a huge bundle of giant receipts while people just continue to bring him more.

That's a very striking image. Kudos to Eva Jean for coming.

Up with that. And Carlos is like, I think this is fun. I think it's funny. Little physical humor even.

Huge. Physical comedy.

The moms do not think this is funny.

Yes, it seems like someone's being accused of fraud.

Yes, it does seem like someone's being accused of fraud. The moms are like, This is bad. This is rude. We hate this. All the jokes in this script are about us. And Ava Jean is like, Well, if we can't laugh at ourselves, who can we laugh at? And the moms are like, I don't want to laugh at ourselves. Fair.

Okay.

After 20 pages, the moms are like, rioting. They're like, We're not reading any more of this. Your Miss Carla, what do you do?

This is tricky because now it's February.

I don't.

Know that we have time for a full rewrite. And also, Miss Carla did think the script was good, right? Yeah.

So she's like, No more meeting. This is not productive. You're all yelling. She's like, I'm going to share the script with all of you in a way that allows you to make comments on it.

I see. We can mark it up. Everyone can do their line item vetoes. I don't know that there are going to be any lines left after the veto.

Yeah. She asks, Ava Jean, are you okay with this idea? And Ava Jean's like, Of course, I'm okay with being edited. I'm a writer. All the moms scatter. They go home. Miss Carlos sends out the script. Then she begins getting emails. You know these emails. They're like, Odet has commented on mom's sketch script V2 in Google Docs.

Oh, God. Okay.

She's getting hundreds and hundreds of emails about hundreds of comments. When someone calls her phone from an unknown number, do you answer it?

No, but I just never answer my phone. I think, isn't that a Zoomer thing that people just don't answer their phones.

Just not answering them?

Yeah. Maybe if I were a teacher in charge of a project with 73 women, I would be like, Maybe I'm expecting a phone.

Call, though. Yeah. Carly is like, I assume this is some mom. So she answers it and it's Ava Jean. And Ava Jean is upset.

Oh, because people are tearing her precious baby to shreds.

Okay. Yes. She's like, My work is being torn to shreds. I'm a writer. I have a process. I don't like this. And Carlos, you said you were fine being edited.

Everyone says they're being fine, as in until the edit comes in.

And then you cry. And you cry. Yeah, that's like the writer's plate.

You cry. That's, yes.

Is being like, Yeah, I'm fine with it. And then being like, My feelings are hurt. So, Ava Jean is like, You're right. I can be brave. And Carlos is like, Great. Do the edits. So Ava Jean goes and she does the edits. At the beginning of March, she returns with a new draft. The tenor of the edits broadly were too personal, we don't like these jokes, and we want it to be fun for us to do. These things don't seem fun to do. So Ava Jean totally rewrote the script, and now instead of sketches, it's a full musical with costumes.

Okay, wow.

And the musical with the costumes is a very, very loose parity of step up.

It's interesting that something goes through an edit and then becomes more elaborate.

Yeah, it's rare, but it does happen.

Avagene made it happen.

Okay. Avagene made it happen. She sends the chapter around before they meet up to be like, Let's just go ahead and get any big comments out of the way before we're all together. The moms love this. They're like, I want to dance. I want to sing. I've been taking voice lessons. A group of them decide in the email replies to sign up for something called Urban Dance Class.

What.

Do you think about this?

I don't like the phrase urban when euphemistically applied, but okay.

Yes. Carla is like, This train of this performance script has somehow derailed onto another track that is on fire and headed for a ravene. She's like, I hate this. She reads the script and it is atrocious. It has the moms calling each other, Bro. It has the moms dressing in drag so there can still be a straight love story, which could be fine, except that the lines are so bad and it has nothing to do with the school or their daughters. What do you want to do here?

I think I think Carla should probably intervene.

How?

That I don't know. That's up to Carlyah. She can figure that out. But it's not looking great here. Maybe she can be like, We're all going to get canceled, so I think you should think of your reputation.

She basically tries to do that. At the meeting where they all get together to do the table read of the step up script, she's like, I need to say something. Just so that we're all aware that potential criticism could come for this. I don't think this really works with the culture of the school. Okay. And the moms are like, What? Carlos, I just feel like it's a little at odds with the population of the school. St. Agatha's of misery is an elite private school, and the musical in this play is an inner city public school for dance. Immediately, the moms are like, That's censorship. We're being censored. Whoa.

They're actually accusing her of being the woke mob, basically.

Yes. They're like, You're the woke mob. You're trying to keep us from doing our beautiful step-up rendition. Why? Carlos, ma'am, I am not trying to censor you. This is just a bad script. But you cannot let them do this show, right? Or you.

Can't let them do it? No, she cannot. She cannot.

Carlos very delicately is like, I don't think that this is going to work on its own. I think it needs more work. Some moms are mad because they're like, We are running out of time. It's March. We only have two months. We need to have costumes made. And so Carla is like, Does anyone have any ideas for potential solutions here? At this point, both adept and Pilar stand up. And they are both separately, like I've written a script and actually it's totally done.

Oh, of course they have. They knew. Well, they had one in the meeting. They wanted to write one.

All the moms begin talking at once. It is chaos. Some people are defending Ava Jean. Some people are asking to read O'Dets. Some people are like, We want Pilar's. She understands physical comedy.

These moms and their physical comedy. Right.

Ava Jean looks like she's going to cry. And Carla is like, she just can't stop thinking about the fact that they all need to be kept happy. They're all donors. So she's like, The most likely thing I can accomplish here is that none of them are happy, but none of them are super mad. If I could just get them to all be mildly dissatisfied, that would be a win.

True.

So she's like, We'll just combine them.

My instinct was the other way around. Just make three groups and figure it out yourselves.

No. Carlos, the three of you go away for two weeks, combine them, and then whatever you end up with is the script.

She's sending them off on a little writer's retreat?

That's cute. Do you think it's a good idea to combine these scripts?

Again, I worry about the coherence of the project, but I think at this point, I just want it over with.

Yes, you are right. The problem is that there is zero coherence in the script to when it is returned. What they decide on is that it's going to alternate scripts like every scene. It's one-third, Pilar's Andy Sandberg-esque physical comedy, absurdist sketches, like mom's wearing giant inflatable floaties and running into each other. One-third, Audette's serious play vibes with Shakespeare-esque costumes, monologs, and harsh lights. And one-third, Ava Jean's, quote-unquote, urban dance step-up parody.

Okay, so maybe they can sell it as an abstract, experimental thing. It's avant-garde.

I love the slapping of avant-garde label on this.

Yeah, if you call anything avant-garde, then no one can ask questions about it. Because if you watch something avant-garde, you just would be like, Well, I'm just too stupid to understand it, but they must really.

Know what's going on. I love this, Lynn. Carlos, whatever, this clip. Carla is like, Whatever. This is the script. Go ahead. They make this whole play. They get all the costumes, they make the backgrounds, they do all this shit. Carla is watching the dress rehearsal of this, and the vibe shifts are just so unexpected and so drastic that during the dress rehearsal, she's having to hold back laughter. They're going from like, vagina monologs, Shakespeare garb monolog, under a spotlight straight into a dance number with flat-built hats, and then directly from there into a sketch where two moms have to hold another one up in the air the whole time while she sings.

See? Again, this is like contemporary. It's tonal asymmetry, right? You could just... Oh, right?

I love that. I love this like an artist's statement that you're doing on the fly here of like, Is it deranged or is it brilliant?

It's quietly brilliant, loudly brilliant.

After dress rehearsal, Avagene comes up to Carla and is clearly mad. And Carla is like, Yeah, I mean, it sucks. That's fair. But that's not what Avagene is mad about. Avagene is mad that she didn't get to be headwriter after they decided that she could be. And Carla is like, I do not have time for this. I'm just going to put your name as headwriter.

You have to take that off with the 73 women who hate you.

Yes, fight with the 73 women who hate you. I don't care. When they perform the show, everything that could go wrong does go wrong. The music doesn't sync up. The choreography is messed up. In the sketch where the mom is held in the air, she is dropped while she's singing, and this gets a huge laugh from the audience.

Physical comedy.

Physical comedy, baby. After the show, Carlyah is like, I feel so relieved that this is over.

I like it. It seems like we're possibly veering into the producers type thing where it's so bad that it's good and going to be well received.

It is received in a way. I wouldn't say it's positive.

Not well.

All right. But I also wouldn't say it's extremely negative. Their daughters are like, That's fascinating. You guys really did something. Carla does not care. She's like, I could not give a shit about this reception. Does not matter to me. At least it's over. A few days pass and she is called to the principal's office.

Uh-oh.

She's like, Shit, shit, shit.

Shit, shit, shit. Are teachers also nervous about being called to the.

Principal's office? Yeah, because that's your boss.

Yeah, I guess I just didn't think about that. I just didn't know if it was more regular. I guess no one likes being called to the principal's office. We can all get behind on that.

She gets there and she's like, If I get fired over these damn moms and their shenanigans, I'm going to lose my mind. She shows up and she's like, What's up? Is everything okay? The principal is like, Yeah, everything's okay, but I need you to send me every single email you have from this whole experience.

Are they being sued?

They sure are. Oh, no. Carlin is like, Am I in trouble? And the principal is like, You aren't.

Oh, we're so back. We're so back.

We're so back. She's like, Who is in trouble? And the principal is like, Well, it seems that Odette's husband might be in trouble. And Carly's like, What? Remember the sketch with the receipts?

With all of this a tax write-off?

Apparently, Odette's husband was in fact running a tax scheme in reality where he did pay for all sorts of things out of a fronted business for people in the school through a shell company. So all of Carly's emails, along with all of Ava Jean's scripts, had to be sent to discovery.

Wow. I hope they were all flattering emails.

For.

Ms. Carla because I feel like that is a fear of mine is obviously I would do nothing wrong, but if someone I had interacted with ever did and then my shit-talking.

Text.

Came out. That's a bad day.

That's come out. Hypothetically. Again, not that I ever say anything bad about anyone.

In.

Any medium or setting.

But I.

Guess for a person who did do that thing, it wouldn't be great, right?

Yeah. Carly is like, Whatever, not my problem. We're so back. It does not matter to me. On her way out, she jokingly to the principal is like, You know what? Whatever. At least this is over. At least we raised the money for charity. The principal is like, What? Carlyah is like, Didn't we do this to raise money for charity? The principal is like, Oh, I mean, if you consider new microphones for the school charity, then sure. But the benefit is that because the school was like, Oh, shit, we didn't get sued because we didn't air the first edition of Ava Jean script. But we could have, and that's very scary, they canceled the music variety show forever.

Wow, that's good. She was the final person.

Yes. So even though two years later, Ava Jean's next daughter was a senior and Ava Jean was like, No, no, no, I want to write the play. I want to reinstate it. I want redemption. Carla and the school were like, No.

That's brutal for all the ninth grade moms who have been scheming for all these years. Yeah.

It's hard when you've planned to write a performance/variety show in honor of your daughter's as a little treat and then it gets taken away.

Moms, just do giraffe projects. Just do the one-off giraffe projects. And then that's really all the satisfaction you need.

One, I guess, good update I have for you is that the thing about being really rich is that Odette's husband just settled the case out of court. So everyone went on to be perfectly happy. All the girls went to college. Carlos stayed at the school for five more years but refused to do any more extracurricular leadership. Great.

I'm glad that no rich people suffered any consequences.

Thank God. We wouldn't.

Want that. God, for this. What world would it be.

If that ever happened? If people were held accountable for their actions, that's nuts. We are almost at the end. Whose side are you on? How do you feel?

I think I've been on Carly's side.

As.

A friend of a teacher.

As a father of daughters.

And as the daughter of a not super involved in school activitieshis mother. I am on Carly's side.

Do you want to hear my final update?

I would like to hear your final update.

So six years after all of this, the have graduated from college. Odette's daughter gets a text from Pilar's daughter. And Pilar's daughter is like, Did you hear? And Odette's daughter is like, Hear what? And Pilar's daughter sends her a link. The link is to a book that is self-published. It is titled, Savior of the Show.

Let.

Me read you the back of this book. At St. Augusta's of The Beating Heart.

We love a thinly veiled towal. .

Three mothers, Toil, to try and create the best send-off gift for their daughters. A collaboration throws the project into ruin, and only one mom can save the production from total destruction. She throws herself into her work, praying that she could make a show good enough to save the daughters of her rivals who are in danger of losing sight of their futures and to save herself.

Has Avadine basically written fan fiction.

About herself? It is written by Avadine.

That's cute. That's cute.

Her bio reads, Avadine is a writer. She wrote for The Lampoon and lives in anonymized City with her two children who are graduates of St. Agatha's of misery.

It's interesting that she just dropped the name of the school in there. She's like, We're anonymizing it, but not really, actually. That's good. Would you, as a author of fiction, ever just write a story like that where it was about how awesome you are?

No.

It's boring. I admire it.

I like that you're taking her side that you're like, It's actually funny and good.

Yeah, I'm slowly coming around to her. I guess I lowkey admire her a little bit.

For being a chaos demon?

For being a chaos demon and for just like... Some people, I'm not one of them, but some people are just very confident in themselves. And sometimes I look at people like that and I'm like, I wish I could be you. I wish I could just write a novel about how cool I am instead of hating everything about myself. And so maybe we do need to lean in a little bit and find the Ava Jean within ourselves.

Odette and Pilar's daughters do not take out of this that they should lean in a little bit. They are like, What does she mean? Save the daughters of her rivals who are in danger of losing sight of their futures. They're like, We did not need saving in high school. This is classic Ava Jean, pretending that she knows everything in the world. If you were Odet and Polar's daughter, do you reach out to your old classmate, Ava Jean's daughter?

Well, first, I buy the book. You're buying it. I'm immediately buying that book. Well, I don't know. Maybe there's... Again, I would never do this. But if there was some way to obtain it for free online, maybe that's an avenue I would pursue. Or it's self-published, so I doubt it's in a library, but that would be a legal avenue for all of us, rule followers out there. But if I were in a book.

Even.

A fictionalized version of myself, I think I would definitely buy it.

Yes. O'deniplear's daughters do buy it.

Let's.

Go. And they read it. And then they text Ava Jean's daughter and are like, Uh, what? Because they are like, This is just a book in which our mothers are barely portrayed. We are barely portrayed. This is just like a narrative to redeem Avagene. They realize that the book ends with Ava Jean's daughter, like everyone else, realizing that her mom is brilliant and deserves to be listened to and that Ava Jean is a great mind. They text Ava Jean's daughter and are like, Did you approve this?

I feel like she probably didn't. What's she going to do about her mom?

Yeah, she's like, I didn't, but whatever, she's my mom. And Pilaro's daughters are like, But we didn't need saving. We were fine. And Eva Jean's daughter is like, All teens need saving.

Hmm, okay.

The villain of this book is a young teacher named Ms. Darla who has limp, mousey hair and no thoughts of her own.

Wow, she got Ms. Carla's ass there, didn't she?

Do you send it? Do you tell Ms. Carla? If you're these girls? I- You had Ms. Carla as a teacher, like you like her.

I don't know. Would you want someone to be like, Hey, someone wrote about you and said your hair sucks in this book. I think that's a discovery I like to maybe come across on my own and process by myself.

What if everyone else is reading it, though, and no one is telling you?

Yeah, see, will you do raise a good point there? No, I think I would just prefer to be ignorant. See, I don't like thinking about other people thinking about me, perceiving me. And so I would like to just be completely ignorant to it.

Believe me, Unperceived. Correct.

I think Miss Carlet's relationship to gossip should just be like, She does not find out about this book. No thank you. Yes.

Odet and Pilar's daughters are like chaos mode. They email Ms. Carla and they're like, Hey, you should know about this.

Wow. That's very like their moms of them, right? Just being super proactive like, Hey, just thought you should be aware.

Sometimes you do become your mother. Ms. Carla bought a copy of it, and this is the final update I have for you, is that she keeps it on her shelf as a reminder of why you don't do extracurricular activities. Do you have any final thoughts.

Or feelings? No, I'm glad she took it better than I have. I would have been like, Oh, my God, my hair sucks. And then quit my job and moved to the woods.

My Thank you so much for coming on the show. It was a delight to.

Have you. Thank you. I'm going to go wash my hair now.

Thank you for listening to Normal Gossip. If you have a gossip story to share with us, email us at normalgossip@defector. Com, or you can leave us a voicemail at 2679. Gossip. If you love this podcast and want us to keep making it, become a friend or a friend of a friend at supportnormalgossip. Com. You can follow the show on Instagram and TikTok @normalgossip. You can follow Kelsey on all social media @mkelsey. This podcast was produced by Alex Su-Jong-Lawflin. Justin Ellis is Defectors Projects Editor. Jasmine Wang and Sean Coon are Defector's business guys. Tom Lay is our Editor-in-Chief. Jay Tolviera is our Associate Producer. Abigail Segel is our intern. Dan Mcquade runs our merch store, which you can find at normalgossip. Store. Tara Jacobi designed our show art. Thank you to Casper Wang for your help on this episode. Thanks to the rest of the Defecter staff, Defecter Media is a collectively-owned, subscriber-based media company. Normal Gossip is a proud member of Radiotopia. Normal Gossip is hosted by Kelsey McKinnie. I'm Elizabeth Schmidt, and remember, you did not hear this from me.

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