Hey there. It's alex sijong laughlin and kelsey McKinney from normal gossip. Thank you so much to everyone who's already donated to Radiotopia's fall fundraiser. If you haven't donated to the network before, you might wonder, where exactly do my dollars go? The short answer is your donation goes to Normal Gossip and all the shows in our network so we can keep making the shows that you love listening to. The Pod guests that are part of Radiotopia are independent and listener supported, meaning we all retain full ownership of our stuff and get to make the creative and business choices that are right for us. The longer answer is that it takes nine weeks to produce a Normal Gossip episode from beginning to end. Nine weeks. And guess what? We have shortened that for each episode, we have to read through Gossip submissions, pick a story, anonymize it, write the script, choose a guest, record the story, and then edit it all the way through. Radiotopia makes it possible for us to make this show exactly the way we want to, with every weird sound effect, special recorder, orchestra, and all the deranged bits. Truly, the best part is that Radiotopia trusts creators so much that we don't even have to send them cuts of episodes before we publish.

It's wild. Your donations make all of this possible. Head to Radiotopia FM slash Donate to make a tax deductible contribution and support our work. And when you do, you'll receive a special curated playlist from Radiotopia that we put together just for you. Visit Radiotopia FM slash Donate to learn more. We'll also have the link in the description of this episode and the link in our bio on Instagram. Thank you so much. Woo. Hi, and welcome to Normal Gossip. I'm Kelsey McKinney. In each episode of this podcast, we're going to bring you an anonymous morsel of gossip from the real world I am so excited to have with me today Zakia Givens. Zakia is an award winning story editor, podcast host, and writer based in Brooklyn. She's the host of a brand new, super fun and juicy reality dating competition podcast called Hang Up. The best way I can describe it, for the listeners who have not listened, which you absolutely should, is that it's like, what if love is blind and The Bachelor had a baby and then that baby grew up to be, like, queer as hell?

Yes.

Zakiya, welcome to the show. Thank you for being here.

Oh, my gosh. Hi, Kelsey. My heart literally fluttered when you were doing that intro because I cannot believe this moment has come where I can be a guest on Normal Gossip. I love the show. I love the vibes. It's very much my vibe.

Just a space.

The fact that at the top of our call, you gave me permission to be messy, I'm like, say less. Please say less. I am here for exactly that. So thank you for having me.

I'm so happy you're here. I think the two of us may be trouble today because we recently went to a conference and people were asking both of us how we are on mic. And we were like, I don't know, you just, like, flirt with the guests.

Yeah, I'm just like, just be a vibe, just flirt. And people were like, anyone else in the room have tips for how to sound like yourself on the mic?

I'm like, okay, let's see. How are you? How's it going?

Oh, my gosh. I'm one of those people where if you ask me how I am, I'm going to give you the honest tea.

Great.

How I'm doing right now? Very excited and grateful to be here with you, but also huge. But so a huge butt, literally, also but that's neither here nor there, but yeah. Okay. I'm feeling a bit flustered. And I was going to say disgusted. I don't think that's too strong of a word. Okay, maybe a little morally disgusted, but I'm just like I literally have no words to tell you how I'm feeling right now. So I'm in La. Right now. I'm based in Brooklyn. I was like, let me go out to La. Have a cute two weeks, get a cute airbnb, see what that life is like. Really cosplay as a bicoastal baddie. Yeah.

Get some juices, see the sun.

Exactly.

Drive with your windows down.

Exactly. That was the plan. Got an airbnb with two of my homies right around the corner from our other friend.

Cute.

Yeah, so cute. So I get to airbnb, and I've been talking about taking a shower the whole time, being like, OOH, y'all, I cannot wait to get home, take a know, smoke some weed, settle into bed, all moisturized and clean. And so I go into the bathroom and I start to disrobe. I pull open the shower curtain and literally, right as I'm about to put my delicate little foot into the bathtub, I recoil.

No, because what's in there?

Not just like, one stray hair where they missed something or like, caught in the drain. It was a dry tub. Full bush worth of pubes. Full bush worth full ball sack worth of pubes. No sprinkled on the bathtub floor, on the edges. As if I could picture someone lifting their leg and taking a raven.

It was like, you should not be able to picture that too much.

And I literally had to take a picture of it because I was like, oh, I'm a channel my Karen. I am filing a complaint. I feel righteous in this. I literally almost vomit. And I stupidly went to wash my hands. I was like, okay, well, at least the towels must be cleaned. There's a fucking washing machine dryer right there. No, and honestly, I feel really stupid for this. I brushed my teeth as well, and so I wanted to dry my face. I dabbed the corners of my mouth.

No puke. No puke on my hands and mouth.

No.

What's happening here?

And I know they were pubes, because we know. Yeah, I knew they were pubes, which, like, no judgment, but why choose to be like, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to shave my ball sack right before I have guests come over and not clean up. Yeah. And so I'm sleeping in bed. I couldn't sleep that night. I was, like, trying to levitate off the bed so I wouldn't have to touch the linen. I usually I like to sleep on my side, but I was like, I don't want these pillowcases touching my face. I use my own hand as a barrier so that my face skin wouldn't touch the pillow. But I'm like, now I'm a breakout, I need to buy more Stridex. Are they going to reimburse me for the Stridex?

No, of course they're not.

They're not. They're not. Me and my friends had to fight airbnb support now, and the host had the audacity to try to make this our fault. It's like, sir, those weren't my pubes. These were your pubes.

Also, you have photos that are like.

Yes, and also, based off the ethnicity of me and all my friends, these pubes, you cannot connect these pubes back to us. That is not our curl pattern. Okay? It's not our pubes. So how I'm doing? I'm feeling grateful for being here, grateful for our friend, for housing us while we find a new airbnb, but I am also feeling thoroughly disgusted and I'm choosing to be a Dooloo girly and just lie to myself and be like, none of that ever happened. There were not stranger pubes in my mouth and on my hands. It just didn't happen.

I salute you. Braver than the troops. Incredible.

It was honestly so harrowing.

Kelsey sounds harrowing. I kind of like not to give away the whole podcast today, but I am sorry, but we are going to kind of get into that kind of trauma. So I just need you to emotionally and physically prepare yourself. Let's get into it.

Let me get, like, settled.

Let me settle down.

Let me it's story time.

My first question for you is, like, which holiday do you think has the best setting standards for a horror movie?

I mean, I feel like the basic answer is Halloween, because that is when drama and the real world is an acid trip.

Okay. So my argument is that I think the spookiest, most horror primed holiday is Thanksgiving.

Say why.

Okay. It's like, actually fall, winter is coming, so you're like, death is all around me.

Yes.

It's a deeply racist and scary holiday that has a ton of bad vibes. It's the worst travel days of the year and family can be hard.

Yes, I agree. I feel like Thanksgiving has when you're speaking of it in terms of horror, what's coming to mind is kind of like Midsummer, where it's like, visually, it's gorgeous, and it's spring, but there's, like, this eerie undertone that quickly switches to an overtone of like, oh, my God, I must get the fuck out of here. I feel like Thanksgiving has the same vibe where it's like, oh, things smell like cinnamon. And the fall, the leaves are on the ground, and we're all wearing sweaters, but there's this impending doom that no one really wants to name until it's too late.

Okay, so this is the vibe, like, Thanksgiving doom and dread.

Okay. Oh, goodness. Okay.

Is there anything more terrifying to you than meeting a significant other's family for the first time?

Oh, my goodness. So I've done that once in my life. But I did meet my college boyfriend's parents, and let me make it clear, they are so lovely.

I really love this doesn't have to do with the yeah, yeah.

But it was still, like, that doom of, like, were they going to think of me? They're like wasps from Vermont. I am me from, like, always feeling know, I'm staying in their house, and I'm looking over my shoulder, and they're just so WASPy and that I'm different energy. I felt like I was always not because of them, but I felt like I put the pressure myself. I was always on edge of like, oh, my gosh. Does the fork go to the right or to the left? Am I doing this right? It's just that internal tension, but with having the face of like, oh, my.

Gosh, I'm so happy.

Hi, Mrs. Johnson. For having me while I am screaming on the inside.

Yes. Okay, so we have now set up the story for today that's it. Dread, screaming on the inside. Feelings of terror.

Oh, my gosh. Okay. Got it. Very relatable. Been there.

Our friend of a friend today. His name is Noah. Noah has been in a lot of relationships that got to the one year mark and then died.

Okay.

And he can't figure out why, right? Like, he's like, I don't understand why I keep getting these girlfriends that I like, like serial monogamy land. And then we get to the one year mark, and it doesn't continue. They break up with me. So good for Noah. He gets a therapist. He spends a lot of money. And what he and therapist come to the conclusion of is that these girls that he's dating can't imagine their future with him. Like, he's creating a situation in which they can't see it going further, and he's like, But I do want a future with someone. Like, I want to get married. I want to have kids. I want these kind of traditional things to happen to me in my you know the apps are a nightmare.

Okay, I get it.

So he hits the mark where he's like, I'm done. But he's like, I still want to date. So what Noah decides is that he is going to start saying yes to everything his friends invite him to. He's like, shonda rhymes year of yes.

Shit yes. We love a yes. And being open yes. Okay.

But this kind of like yes and behavior is how he ends up at, like, a one man, three hour show with one intermission.

Okay. Wow.

The vibes of this show are like that scene in Girls where Marnie sings stronger.

Oh, I was just actually rewatching Girls, so this is very salient for me.

Oh, my like, you could not cringe harder at the intermission. Noah is like, you know what? Maybe my Year of yes needs to, right? Like, he's like, maybe this is it. Maybe no more yes. So he goes outside and he's like, you know, I'm going to hit my vape a little. I'm going to have a little weed, feel a little better. And who does he meet but Sydney.

Okay, sydney.

All right, Sydney. And Sydney is like, what do you think about the show? And Noah's like, you never know when you're talking to a performer. You never know when you're talking to someone who knows a performer. So he's I've I've never seen anything like Sydney diplomatic meets him, right, and is like, I hate it. I think it's Sydney. And then she's like, hey, I have these gummies. Would you like to have one? And Noah is like, you know what? Maybe one more yes. He's like, yes, I will have a gummy. Then they stand out, know, chatting, gabbing, hitting it off for, like, five minutes. And Sydney's like, do you want to not go back in there? Just, like, play hooky from this whole thing? And Noah's like, yes again, yes.

OOH, this sounds like this sounds like me. If I were Noah in the midst of this, I'm like, is this my love story happening? Right? It's just this is such a cute meet. Cute.

I know.

You want to get out of. Like, when that happens rare. You have to say yes. You have to see where it goes.

Yeah. So Noah does, and then we're gonna zoom forward because they date for, like, a year and a half ever since.

Oh, cute.

So that is the setup of this little relationship.

Okay.

I would like to ask you now about a different kind of relationship, which is what is your relationship with weed?

Oh, I am a big time stoner. I smoke every day. Not all day, every day. So I feel like I can't call myself a stoner, but I partake of heavily. I always travel with my for me, it's phone, keys, wallet, vape. I love being yeah, I I'm a weed girly.

Okay, so you and Noah are like soul sisters here, right? Noah is like, I don't think that I can consider myself a stoner. That's not my culture. But I love weed. And he has one of those fancy cigarette cases to keep his pre rolls, and he has, like, a heavy grinder. This is like the kind of guy.

He is all the accouterments. Yeah, no, he has all the accessories. Okay. I love that. An artisanal stoner.

And Sydney's vibe is like, smoking hurts my throat. I only eat okay.

Okay. I had a moment where I've smoked weed for, like, years, and then the pandemic hit, and then you know how people are. I mean, this is, like, a very privileged thing to say, but some people are like, my pandemic purchase, like, something that they bought. Just be like, I'm just going to buy an adult adult toy. Okay. But I was going to say, I'm going to buy a treat for myself to make me feel better. So my pandemic purchase was this huge, iridescent bong that I named Princess Mononoke. Oh, my God. And I smoked it every day, and naturally, I have a raspy voice, but it was a fucking pandemic. I'm like, I deserve to be high all day, every day. So I was hitting this huge bong for two years.

That was your best friend every day.

Straight. Literally my best friend. We would literally, we would you and I. Princess snuggled with her on my chest, like a little puppy, like, sleep on my chest, and I was just gurgle, gurgle, gurgle. And that was my best friend. But then I realized, like, oh, this is, like, really impacting my voice, my ability to breathe. Yeah. And I'm like, it's literally my job to be on mic. I need to have a voice. So not to gummies, because I'm just like I'm a professional. Like, my voice is my instrument. I need to be careful with this God given instrument. So and then I did become a gummy girly, so I go between both.

Okay, so you're both.

I'm both.

I love that.

I am verse in all the ways, and I am versed with this. I like both.

Okay, so as a couple, they are, like, don't usually smoke or have weed together. Right. It's kind of like an independent time activity unless something stressful is happening.

Okay.

And then they are like, okay, it is time for us to calm down and debrief, and we will have these edibles together. So they are having these edibles today because Sydney's mom has called, and she wants them to come home for Thanksgiving.

Okay.

So it is like, dun dun dun. Time to meet the family.

Okay? So as soon as they got the call, they're like, Where are the edibles? We got to decompress from this. Okay.

Yes. This is Noah's first time meeting the family, right? So he's like, I need the edibles. And her family lives in this kind of big house in a medium sized southern city. So they're like, we don't want to sleep there. That's too small. So for Thanksgiving, they need to find a house that's big enough that everyone can fit in it, because Sydney and Noah will be there. Sydney's mom and Stepdad will be there. Sydney's little sister will be there, and her stepbrother is bringing his new girlfriend. So they've got all of these people coming, and they need to find a house, and so they're going to search for a know on a service where you could find houses that you might rent. Do you have an idea of what we could call this service that they're going to look the house up on?

Okay. I was going to say home for you.

Honestly, I love that. Okay.

They went on homeforyou.com.

They go on homeforyou.com to try and find a couple of day rental that they can have Thanksgiving at. Okay. Do you trust parents to find a good home on home for you?

No, I say that with I feel.

Like such a brat for saying looking for you're. Looking for any signs that there might be pubes in the bathroom.

Right, exactly. Yeah, exactly. But I guess I didn't do a good enough job of that this time around.

So Sydney is the oldest daughter, and so she has a bossy streak, and she is like, mom, you do so much for us as a family. What if I looked for the listings? And the mom is like, you know what? Okay. Like, here's our budget. Noah and Sydney are thrilled about this, because now for Noah, he's like, I get to meet these people on neutral ground.

Yes.

But they start looking, and there is nothing. Everything they find has not enough bedrooms, or it has a small kitchen, or it only has three bathrooms, or it's, like, ugly, and the mom doesn't like it.

Okay.

But one night, the mom sends over a beautiful home for you listing, like, home for you listing to end all home for you listings.

Oh, my gosh.

It's in a fancy neighborhood okay. In the, like, Appalachian foothills.

Okay. So gorgeous nature trees, mountains, wraparound porch.

Photogenic.

Oh, fuck. Yeah.

It has a huge kitchen with, like, a giant island. Like Nancy Myers. Who.

Yes. Okay. This sounds very lovely.

Five bathrooms, plenty of bedrooms.

Like, light.

Better than the Vatican. It is, like, in the price range.

Oh, hell yes.

The mom is like, do you think we should book this? And Sydney and Noah are like, book it right now?

Yes. Immediately. There's no question. If I were Noah, I would feel on top of the feel. I would be like, oh, my gosh, my prayers have been answered tenfold. I'd be excited by all the space. It sounds like it's big enough that you can kind of slink away and get some solo decompression time, and no one would really notice that you're gone. It's kind of acceptable to be like, I'm going to check out the porch or walk around the foothills of the Appalachian. You know what mean? Like, it seems like they're not going to be on top of each other. It's a beautiful, comfortable space. When you're in a beautiful, comfortable space, you can be your best self. So I'm very relieved on behalf of Noah.

Okay. Mom books the house. We skip ahead in time. Everybody in this family has, like, a pretty crowded schedule. So the way they're planning for this to work is that everyone will arrive in the early afternoon on Thanksgiving. They will cook Thanksgiving dinner.

Wait, everyone is arriving on Thanksgiving day?

Listen, that's when the house was.

Go on, go on.

Okay. Everyone else in the family, mason and his girlfriend and the parents and the daughter can drive to this house.

Okay.

Because it is, like, within a reasonable driving distance. Sydney and Noah have to fly.

Okay.

They decide to fly very early Thanksgiving morning. So because their flight's so early, they have to pack the night before. Which puts us at a little bit of a question mark as Noah, which is do you bring weed on this family trip?

Oh, my okay.

And, like, do you bring a whole kit of weed? Do you bring tinctures? Do you bring pre rolls? What do you do here?

I have a lot of experience with this because, like I said, I'm a phone, keys, wallet, vape type of girl. And especially with I love my family. I want to make it clear and we always have a great time. But sometimes you do need your solo decompression time. You need just like a little toke.

To just be like a minute.

I've never felt comfortable traveling with actual flour. I don't do that. But I have friends who do that. More power to them, but just my own comfort levels. I'm gummies and vape when traveling. Okay.

So here's how Noah sees this situation. He's like, pros of bringing weed are my vape. Pin is small, so it's easy. Gummies are small. It'll calm me down. Thanksgiving is an eating holiday.

Yeah.

So this is helpful also. We're going to be in this beautiful place, and I want to frolic in the you know, sydney's younger gen z sister may think that this is cool and it could earn me points with charlote.

Right.

Cons the state they're going to it's illegal at this time.

Okay.

And he wants to make a good impression.

See, this is where I'm like, I'm still bringing it because at the end of the day, I'm going to do me. You know what I mean? Okay.

So does it change your mind, though, to know that the stepbrother Mason is like, uptight kind of right wing will declare you an enemy if he finds out you have weed on you?

Oh, gosh, I'm still bringing it. I'm going to do me. I'm going to do it. But I would be like extra care. But that's like, another reason to bring the carts or the vape and the gummies because with flour, there's no hiding that. You take one hit, they're going to smell it.

This is your first disagreement with Noah in that Noah is like, invest in my future. Deny myself my dreams and happiness for what I want. Long term, I choose not to bring it.

Oh my gosh. Noah.

But on the way out the door to the airport, sydney's like, you have your pin, right? Like, did you pack my gummies? And Noah's like, no, I'm trying to make a good impression on your family. And Sydney's like, but what if I need it?

I would be so pissed if I were Sydney. I'd be like, how the fuck dare you cry me of my medicine?

So this is how Noah ends up en route to family Thanksgiving with a vape pin and a tin of gummies. Their travel goes fine. A miracle. They take off bright and early. They get to the house in their rental car around noon.

Okay.

There is only one car in the driveway when they get there, and it is a big pickup truck. So they're like, Mason the stepbrother.

Yeah, I was going to say pickup truck is giving Mason. Yeah.

Before they're even fully parked in the driveway, mason and his girlfriend are, like, coming out of the house to meet them.

Wow. Okay.

Hyper vigilant older sister Sydney is like, do they look upset to you, Noah? Do they seem upset? And Noah is like, I have literally never met these like, how am I supposed to know? He's like, they look normal to me.

They are just walking towards us. I cannot their energy yet, but you.

Know, like, when you're in a car with someone and they're stressed, you're like, oh, the vibes in here are suddenly bad. Right? Like, I'm concerned.

Oh, gosh.

So now he's nervous. He like, parks the car. He's like, these people look normal. I don't know what she's talking about. He's like, trying to hype himself up. He gets out. He hugs Mason's girlfriend, Anna May, because she hugs okay, okay. But Mason goes in for that weird handshake that straight men do where they pat you on the back of the.

It'S so and it's so weird to see them do that. They'll do like, the put it there pat. Yeah. And then the next person they hug is like a woman, and they're like, so soft. You all are doing too much. Relax. Exactly.

This gender performance, it's out of control.

It's out of control.

Mason does this little, like, handshake shoulder pat situation with Noah. He steps back and he goes deadpan. It smells like marijuana.

What? How? They just got off the plane. They weren't smoking?

No. Noah starts freaking out. He's like, did my vape pen get smashed or something? Like, does the smell live inside my pores? And like, he's like, trying to smell himself, right? Like, while he's trying to manage the situation, and he's don't I don't know what you're talking think. I don't think that I smell like weed? Do you think that I smell like marijuana to Sydney? And Sydney smells him and is like, no, you smell normal. And Mason's like, not you, dude, inside.

Oh, phew. Okay. If I were Noah, I'd be like, oh, thank God. I'd be so relieved that the target is not on me. Oh, my gosh. Because what a way to start the trip. They're not even inside the house. They literally just closed the car door. And to be already accused. Okay, wow. That's also good because it's throwing off the scent, mason's scent. He's already directing it elsewhere. It's not Noah in Sydney, so I'd be like, okay, this is actually working in my favor. They won't suspect me because it was already there.

Yes. Noah's, like, so relaxed by the fact that it's not him that he forgets who he's talking to, and he's like, how do you know what weed smells like? And he doesn't mean it in a mean way. Like, he really wants to know because Sydney has briefed him that Mason is, like, the kind of person who's always sending articles that's, like, weed is laced with fentanyl and is a gateway drug.

And one of yep.

And Mason's like, I have self control. It doesn't mean I live under a rock. So now it's like, yikes o'clock. Right?

Everyone is yi. Why Mason?

They go inside, and sure enough, it reeks of reefer. Like, it is so pungent walking through the door that Noah's like, this is crazy. The house is, like, the same as the photos, right? Like, it's clearly the same house, but it's, like, slightly off, right? Like, the whole place is kind of dark. There's some weird things that have been added to the walls, right? Like a taxidermy thing and, like, a kindle blade, and it smells like a frat house.

Oh, okay, then that's not cute.

Can you describe the smell of a frat house?

Oh, my goodness. Just shitty, cheap, watery beer. I'm imagining a dive bar, but at least the smell is kind of part of the Immersive experience period, so you kind of allow for it. I'm also imagining, you know that smell, like, when you go into PetSmart or Petco, and it's just like that general animal of just kitty litter, like, all this dried up stuff that is used that they all frolic and, like, ferrets. I know. I'm just, like, channeling when I was a little kid where my favorite thing to do was to go to PetSmart and play with the ferrets. That's how I spent my childhood.

So gross.

I don't know why the fuck I did that, but I'm like I'm imagining it to smell like pet. Smart.

Yes, that's, like, exactly right. And it's like all of that plus the vague scent of clorox wipes. Right?

Like, someone kind of tried I'm imagining, like, Hawaiian ocean.

Yes.

Someone takes a giant shit and they.

Think it's like, fabrize Breeze will help.

And it's like, no, that actually made it worse because now it smells like pure shit and someone just dropped a flower petal in here that's not doing anything. And now it's just sweet and savory. Yes.

Fabrize smell. Okay, so that's the situation.

Got it.

Mason's like, you guys go to that room, and Noah's like, okay, great. So he's like, I'll take the bags to the room, and Sydney's like, I'm going to look around. He's like, great. So he takes their bags to the little room that they're going to stay in. The whole walk there, he's, like, filling with dread. He knows it's irrational, but he's like, what if the mom thinks that this is me somehow?

That's the anxiety speaking.

And he's like, I've already had this little TIFF with Mason. He could very easily throw me under the bus. He's like, paranoia 101. Right? He's like, I think we need to call Sydney's mom and just preemptively tell her that the house smells like a frat house so that she knows what she's walking into.

Yes. That is relatable as someone with anxiety. It's like, what can I do? Try to control everyone's control of the situation, which is like, we know that's not how life works, but that resonates. Like, let me preempt all of this and over explain.

Okay, so you think this is a good idea? A little bit.

I'm not necessarily saying it's a good idea. It's what I would do.

Okay, great.

Clarification, you know what I mean? I, too, would be like, let me make it abundantly clear and over communicate that I, too, detect this problem, and it was not me.

Yes. So Noah is like, that's what I'm going to do. He drops the bags. He's like, time to find Sydney, but he cannot find her. And this house is big, right? Like, he checks the bathroom near their room. She's not there. He checks the other bedrooms. She's not there. He checks the big primary room and that big tub, and she's not in there. He's, like, checking the big dining room. No, Sydney. He's walking around the kitchen island looking for her, when from outside, he hears a scream.

Oh, my God. And now I'm just remembering that you said this is a horror story. Oh, my God. This is the moment in midsommar when it turns. It's like, oh, my God. They're in the cute fields on shrooms, and this is like, when it turns. Oh, my God. A literal scream. Okay.

A scream. Noah sprints across the biggest living room in the world. He, like, vaults over the coffee table. He's, like, throwing open the doors out of this wraparound porch, running around the corner that's sexy. Where he finds, if you hear me.

Scream, you better run to my rescue. Yes, Noah. Yes. Okay.

He runs. He comes around the corner. He finds Sydney and another okay.

Okay.

So he scans Sydney quickly and is like, she appears to be fine. Like, not hurt, even though she screamed. And then his quick brain is like, this woman cannot be Charlote. Right? Like, she cannot be the younger sister. She has no fine line tattoos. She is not dressed like Eilish. She is not young enough. She's also not old enough to be Sydney's mom. So he's like, this is a stranger, right? Noah's lizard brain is like, stranger, stranger, stranger.

Okay.

So he steps in front of Sydney weirdly to put himself between her and the stranger, and then he does what everyone interacting with a stranger and feeling a little uncomfortable does and sticks out of his hand and is like, hi, I'm Noah.

Yes. Okay.

And the stranger does not tell him her name. She's like, I'll be done in a second.

I'll be done in a second.

And that's when he sees it.

All.

Around the woman on the porch. It is red. Like deep burgundy red.

What?

And Noah is like blood. Oh, my murder. Murder house. Noah is like, how am I going to introduce myself to Sydney's parents? Being like, hi, my name is Noah, and your daughter has died on account of this home for you being cursed as hell. There's blood everywhere. Help.

That's why I'm okay, I have a question. So this blood, is it in an intentional circle, like witchy circle, where it's like intention, or is it like blood splatter? Someone got hurt.

Like, freshly spilled a ton of liquid.

It's just blood all over the ground.

And when Noah steps back, oh, my God. He like, inhales and he's like, oh, it's not blood. It's wine.

Oh, my God. I literally was holding my breath, but.

It'S like, so much wine that it's still very concerning, right? He's like, why is there so much wine here? Why is this stranger here?

And why does she say, I'll be done in a second? Not like, oh, I'll clean this up in a second. Or like what? That implies intention. Anyways oh, my gosh. Okay.

The woman gets a hose and is like, I'm going to clean this. Okay, like, give me a minute and it'll be done.

Okay.

And so Noah and Sydney back up a little, but they're still kind of there. And Sydney is like, why are you out of breath? And Noah's like, I'm out of breath because I ran across the house to rescue you from danger. Why did you scream? And Sydney's like, she scared me.

So did this woman just, like, materialize?

Yes. And Noah's like you scared me. Screaming.

Yeah.

And then Sydney's like, oh my God, you ran for me.

Oh, my God, why are Sydney and.

I the like she's like, oh my God, that's, like, so nice.

Oh, my gosh, that is so funny, because when you said that, Sydney was like, why are you out of breath? I'm like, I'll be grateful that he ran for you, but I would be like, oh my God, you ran for me?

Noah's like, yeah, baby, of course I ran for you.

Oh, my gosh.

And the woman on the porch is like, can the two of you do.

This inside stop being so corny and cringey in my vicinity.

Yes. So Noah and Sydney go back inside. Noah's like, taking those kind of, like, in through the nose, out through the mouth breaths that you take to try and calm your heart rate back to a normal level.

Me all morning trying to unremember the pubes on my face. So yes, I'm very familiar with the box breathing method. Yes, I get it. Breath work.

Once his breath gets back to a reasonable level, he remembers that he was trying to find Sydney to ask her a question. Can you remember what the question was?

I was so distracted by the blood fake out that I genuinely don't remember the question.

So he wants to call Sydney's mom and tell her that it smells badly at the right.

Right. Okay.

So he offers this question up to Sydney, and Sydney is like, I think, yes, we should do that.

Okay.

She's like, I think that's a good idea because it's beautiful. It's totally going to work, but we want to manage her.

Good. Okay, good. And that's good to get the co sign from Sydney. She knows her mom best. If Sydney thinks this is a good move, it's a good move.

So Sydney calls her mom and is like, hey, how far out are you all? And her mom's like, oh, we're like, 25 minutes out. We can't wait to get there. And Sydney's like, yeah, that's great. Here's the deal. The house is so beautiful, and we really love it. And also, just wanted to give you a heads up that it really smells like pot. She could hear her younger sister in the background going sick. Hell yeah.

Love this. Yes. With the mom. Is the mom like Mason, where she's very anti and judgmental, or what's her.

Real the mom is like, we don't know. Right. Like, Sydney and Noah have not tested this. It is untested.

Okay. Okay.

But the mom's response to this isn't like, oh, my God, the house is occupied by Heathens. Her response to this is like, is there anything you can do to fix it so that it doesn't smell bad? Which is, like, a fair question. Yes. The mom's like, can you air it out? And they're like, totally. We'll air it out before you get here.

Yeah.

So they open all the windows and doors. This is a great idea in theory, except that now the wine smell from the porch is wafting inside.

Oh, my God. How long does it take to hose it off?

Great question.

Okay.

Anime tries to find some candles in the hopes that this would help, but she can't find any. All she can find is incense, and she lights these. And so now it smells crazy.

That was not the move.

No.

Make it even worse.

Yes. So smells crazy in there. Anime and Noah are both freaking out because they're about to meet their significant other's parents, but they're freaking out in different ways. Noah can't stop picking things up and putting them back down.

Oh, my relatable running around. Yeah. Let me be helpful. Let me feel like I'm being helpful. But you're so anxious that you're not thinking straight. You're literally just doing nothing, but you're performing as if you're doing anime is.

Just talking, like, to no one, right? She is just, like, verbally talking. Talking for this whole 20 minutes.

Oh, gosh.

When they hear the car start to come up this little dead street, noah suddenly realizes exactly why anime and Mason ran out to meet them in the driveway. And it's because he's like, I don't want to meet anyone in, like, it smells.

Like, okay. And then it's kind of like a shared communal thing where it's like, hey, heads up. Let me escort you in. It's like pre trauma bonding versus, like.

Welcome to my home.

I get okay.

Okay. Yes. Noah, like, grabs Sydney. They go outside to meet the parents. Parents get out of the car, right? They're hugging. Everyone's hugging. Charlote's, like, looking at her phone. Noah's, like, super aware of his posture. He's, like, trying to stand up straight, and the mom is like, to the younger sister, like, charlote, stop looking at your phone. I need you to take the pies that I bought at the store and put them in the like, do it right now before they melt. And Charlote's like ugh.

Okay.

So she goes inside with the pies, and the mom turns to Noah and is like, can you help me carry things? I have so much to carry. And Noah's like, I would literally love nothing more than a exactly.

Exactly. There's nothing more grounding than a task when you feel frenetic and all you want to do is feel helpful, but you're too anxious to think what can do.

Yes. So he has, like, big turkey, right? Like, giant turkey, two heavy bags of groceries on the other shoulder. He's, like, walking toward the front door when he hears a shrill, high pitched yelp. He scans, and he's like, Sydney is out here with me. Everyone is out here with me except for Charlote.

Oh, my gosh.

And then he's like, oh, my God. The strange woman, right? He's like, I should have checked on that woman. I should have made sure she left this house. He's like, we let Charlote, a little 18 year old girl, go running into this house by herself with a stranger in there. Noah is running again. He is running with the turkey. It's, like, bouncing against his arm. He's like, I'm going to be bruised for weeks, say.

Noah is really channeling his Superman running as he's, like, tearing his shirt.

Blazing around the corner. He comes into the kitchen at full speed where Charlote is fine.

Okay, good.

She is laughing. Like, bent over laughing. The doors of the fridge are open because she has gone to put the pies in there, and inside the fridge.

I'm scared.

It is just like a wall of beer. Like, hundreds of cans of beer just, like, stacked perfectly to fill up every single inch of fridge.

Wow. Okay. Wow.

Wait, she screamed at that because she was excited.

Do you happen to know what kind of beer it was?

It's like Natty Light. It is not good beer. I'm not cheap beer, okay?

If it was some delirium like a nice ale, I'd be like, you're yelling. I'm yelling. Natty Light. I'm like, Please, this is taking up space.

Charlote is like, this is the best day of my life. Right? She's 18 years old. She's like, this house smells like pot, which is funny. The fridge is full of beer, which is funny. She's like, taking photos on Snapchat, right? She's like, Noah, get in my intent. Yeah. So Noah's, like, in the photo with the turkey in front of the fridge full of beer when everyone else arrives and is like, Charlote, are you okay?

Oh, my God.

And she's like, yeah, of course I'm okay.

Why?

And they're like, Because you screamed. Noah came running in here to help you. And Charlote, like, rolls her eyes. They're like, Why are you yelling? This is so silly. Meanwhile, the stepdad is like, it smells like college in he's like he's like, It's crazy in here. And Charlote's like, I hope my college is just like this.

Okay. Yeah. She's getting that pre college experience. She's loving it. I'm glad to hear that. The stepdad seems chill about it. Like, he's acknowledging it, but not like, oh, he's just like, it is what it is. That's good. To balance out the anxiety of the others. They were all bringing very anxious energy.

Yes. So they have to unload a lot of the beers out of the fridge, which is fine. Beers don't go bad, so they have to make room for the pies and the turkey and all these premade casseroles and shit. Right. So they do this. They get together, they unload a lot of the beers. The stepdad opens one for himself and offers one to Noah. Do you accept this beer?

Yes, I do accept it, because it feels like a nice bond. I'm attending to your needs. Do you want to be even if I didn't want the beer, I would still accept people, pleaser.

Even if you're allergic to beer?

Yeah.

Thank you so much.

To be like, oh, my God. Thanks. And then we're now friends. Yeah. I am accepting the beer.

Noah is like he's like, I feel that two tests are happening. The first test is like, I have been offered a beer. He's like, but the second test is like, am I going to take that beer and go sit on the couch and not be helpful?

Oh, yeah. No, that is not the right thing to do. I feel like Noah would never he is printing and vaulting across coffee tables to attend to these people. He's not going to then just sit and drink the beer while everyone else tries to air out the house and shit. No.

Yeah, he would never. So he's like, thank you so much for the beer. I will drink this while I help prep. He's like, Boys can have it all, right.

Yes.

He's chopping, he's slicing. He and Sydney cook a lot, so they have, like, a good banter, a good system. He's like, on his best behavior.

That's the other test. It's like, how pro social you are in the kitchen. And also, like, what level of adult are you? Do you know how to peel a carrot? Do you know your basic knife skills? You know what I mean? They were also looking out for that, too. So that's good that Noah already had that in the bag, and it's enough where he can that's that's points in my book.

While they're doing this, Mason and Anime come up from their room, which is downstairs, and they do not look happy. They're like, this house is a nightmare. I don't like it here. These people clearly are heathens. They have no morals. They're like, It smells even worse in.

The basement, I would imagine. So if it smells that disgusting on the main floor, you can only imagine what the basement smells like.

And Anime is like, I had a boyfriend that smoked weed in high school, and he moved to California and went to UC Santa Cruz and changed his major to environmental law, and then he campaigned for Bernie Sanders. Yes. And so Noah and Sydney are like, oh, wow, that's crazy. For real.

Oh, my God. Gotta beware.

But everyone is be careful out there in response to this, except for Charlote, because teens are ruthless, who immediately turns to the stepdad and is like, weren't you a huge pothead in college?

Yes. Charlote bringing the chaos. I appreciate Charlote's presence in this story.

And the stepdad is no. And so everyone's eyes are just like big eye emoji, right? Like, staring at him like, we think maybe you were. And so the stepdad to get out of this is like, what can I do to help? Let me help.

Deflect.

Yes, deflect. And so they're like, well, can you grate cheese? Like, put a bunch of it in a bowl? He's like, of course I could do that. But then they start looking, and there's like, no cheese grater to be found.

Okay.

So he's like, looking in the hall closet by the front door when he hears a knock at the door. Okay, do you answer this?

Yes, I do. But I hold my breath because I'm like, what other motherfucking shenanigan is it? The lady like, yeah, I'm answering the door.

Noah opens it. There is a man standing there. The man is like, hey, is Thad here?

Wait, thad. T-H-A-D not dad. Thad.

Thad.

Okay, Thad. I know that that is a name, but I've never encountered a thad, and I've never encountered someone saying that name in my presence, which is why I was like, wait, say that again. Okay, there's a sad here. Wow.

And Noah's like, no, he's like, in his brain. Like, what's the stepdad's name? Right? He's like, uh oh. And this guy's like, oh, I mean, I usually just swing by. Do you need an appointment now or something?

What?

And Noah's. Like, I don't, man. Like, we're just staying in this home for, like, I can't help you. And this guy's like, oh, okay.

Yeah.

Like, no problem, man. Sorry to bother you. And then he leaves, and Noah's like, what?

And I feel like at this point, everyone just got I feel like they're only, like, an hour in into Thanksgiving weekend hang, and so much has happened. Oh, my God. There's too much to process.

Okay. Noah is like, my brain is so tired. I don't have time for this. He's like, I can't look for this grater anymore. Like, I'm done. He makes his way back to the kitchen. He positions himself to chop when he hears another blood curdling scream.

What is going on?

This time it is coming from one of the bedrooms. At this point, you are Noah.

Oh, my God.

You are here with your hopefully future in laws. You have run twice for screams about nothing. Do you run honestly?

Yes, I do, because I've already now have the reputation of running to people's rescue, and if I don't run this third time, this person will take it personally. Like, why didn't you run for me? You know what I mean? I think up the appearance of man who runs to save the day. You know what I mean?

This is your brand now.

This is your brand now. Like, he put himself in this position. He could have calmly walked. He could have hollered everything. All right, but you got to run the third time. And you said that this scream is blood curdling. This isn't a Yelp like before. This isn't like just like, blood curdling. Big scream. You got to sprint. You got to sprint.

Noah sprints good. He goes down the hallway. He is the first one there to encounter Anime sitting on the bed, facing an open wardrobe, both hands over her mouth. And Noah's like, what is it? Are you okay? And Anime says nothing. Her hands are shaking, and she, like, lifts one arm and points towards the wardrobe.

Just like in the movies. Literally, like in the movies.

Noah is sweating so much. He's like, my senses have never been higher. He's so scared. I'm scared as slowly as possible, right? Like, he's, like, preparing himself. He's like, prepare myself for the worst. Right? Like, pivot toward the wardrobe slowly, eyes low. Be ready to run, right? He's so scared. At the bottom of the wardrobe is a huge Ziploc bag oh, my God. And it is stuffed with weed.

Oh, fuck yeah. My thought of what was in the closet, it's an animal carcass being like blood leaded or whatever. Blood draining into like a basin of blood. It's just a carcass hanging, but oh my god. Bags of weed. I should have fucking dubbed. Obviously it's the weed delivery guy. Of course. Okay. Oh, hell yeah.

Okay, I'm going to share my screen with you.

Okay.

Do not describe the person in this photo, but can you describe what they are holding?

Okay. Oh my gosh. Okay. This is the mother load. If it is someone holding a huge it looks bigger than gallon. What's the size? Bigger than gallon size?

I have no idea.

But it's bigger than a gallon size. Typical Ziploc. It's like maybe a few gallons worth of some green fresh weed. A huge baggie. And it looks kind of professional in the way that it looks like they also squeezed all the air out of it.

So it's like nice and flat.

It looks professional. It doesn't like someone just haphazardly dumped some spare weed in a bag like this. Looks like a weed dealer's bounty. Oh, it looks delicious. Wow. Charlote was probably so excited.

Yes. So because of the scream, everyone is now standing in this doorway except for Mason, who is like, comforting anime. And Noah is like, having impure thoughts, right? Like, he's looking at this bag of weed and he's like, this is the most excited I've ever been in my life.

I feel like the universe keeps answering his prayers. Like, in this moment I'd be thinking, am I one of God's favorite children?

Yes. Okay. This is exactly what Noah's thinking. Noah is like, how did I end up holding this bag? I don't even remember picking it up.

Right?

He's like, Holy Grail. Most exciting day of my life. Also, somewhere deep in the back of his mind, he's like, felony.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Because I forgot because you said that we're in a state where this is illegal. And so this isn't just like, oh, someone's stash that they left behind. This is like a dealer's worth amount of weed.

Okay, so you're Noah, you're so happy, but you're trying to seem neutral. The whole family is standing in the doorway. You need to show them this bag of how do you present it like.

You how as someone who always does the most to overcome. If I were Noah, I'd be like, okay, I need to perform as someone who is also morally opposed to this, if not neutral. And just because I am just so expressive, me thinking I'm doing a neutral face. I feel like there'd be a glimmer in my eye. I feel like I would overcompensate by performing shock. I feel like I'd be like, oh my God. I would like eyebrows furrowed looking back and forth between the bag and the people be like, can you believe someone would leave this in a home for you where we are coming, and they don't know our relationship to this substance. This is offensive. I wouldn't do too much, but I would try to show it to my body language and face that I am not here for this.

Noah thinking very rapidly is like, I'm going to hold it really flat with both hands, like a pizza delivery man, and maybe that will look neutral. Right? Like, this doesn't indicate anything.

I buy that. I feel like I would do the most and hold it with my fingertips. Like you're holding, like, a dirty napkin far away.

Like you're holding a towel covered in pubes.

Exactly. Like the towel covered in pubes that I fucking wipe my face with. I would just be, like, daily. Like, how dare the home for you people put us in this dire situation?

Everyone gasps at this, obviously, because it is an obscene amount of weed.

It is an obscene amount.

Sydney forgetting where she is is like, oh, my God, that is more weed than I have ever seen in my life. Yeah, the Stepdad also forgetting where he is is like, I've seen more weed than that.

I like the stepdad. I like him.

Charlote, it's like I told you. And then she takes the weed back to the kitchen, carrying it like, the way she would have carried, like, her Samantha American Girl doll. Right? Like, she's like, this is my baby.

The way that I would carry Princess Mononoke, which is literally how I would.

Carry, like, a baby, my child, my beautiful daughter.

Okay. Get it. Yes.

The only people truly unhappy here are Anime and Mason.

Yes. The fact that she's, like, shuddering and crying and mason, grow up. Yeah, exactly. Grow the fuck up, dude. Grow up.

They're like, I don't want to be in a house with this much weed in it. Like, I'm scared.

Oh, my God.

They're like, we're leaving. And Noah's like, bye.

Yeah.

Bye, Anime. Bye, Mason.

See you at dinner.

Bye. See you never.

Yeah. Good riddance.

Okay. We have made it through this enterprise. We go back to the kitchen to chop things, but everyone's, like, emotions are heightened.

But wait, where did they put that.

Big, bad charlote carried it like a baby into the kitchen where she set it on the counter.

Okay, so it's just in the kitchen in public view.

In the kitchen, in public view, on the counter.

Got it.

They go back in there, they're chopping. Everyone's trying to calm down. The mom is, like, apologizing to Noah, and she's like, I'm so sorry that you've had this. Like, I never want you to feel uncomfortable around our like, I don't want this to be hard. And Noah's like, oh, I'm not uncomfortable. I think this is funny.

Yeah.

And the mom's like, you do. And Noah's like, yeah, I mean, obscene quantities of anything is funny. Yeah, exactly. Having a lot of stuff that's inherently comedic.

Exactly.

And the mom trying to be casual is like, oh yeah, do you smoke pot?

Oh, my gosh, I am lying to her face. Especially.

You are?

Oh, my God. Yes. I'd be like, I mean, I don't judge it for other it's not for me, but I don't judge other people for doing, know. I'm not even used to being around weed like that. So seeing that amount just really shook know? But yeah, no, I'm lying. And I guess if I end up getting married to Sydney, I'm like, I'm going to continue this lie that I am straight edge.

Yes. Noah is like panicking. He's like vibrating. He's like, if I could be that Homer Simpson meme like, straight through the hedges, I would be, right? He's like trying to figure out how to quote Bill Clinton and be like, oh, well, I mean, I didn't inhale in some way that won't incriminate him, but really he's just standing there open mouth, saying nothing.

Yeah.

When Sydney is like, mom, of course he smokes pot. Everyone smokes pot now. It's totally normal. We live in a place where it's legal. Pot is not this scary thing anymore. And the mom is like, oh, well, how'd you get into that?

Well, if I'm Noah, I'm turning towards Cindy being like, you take the lead on like now this is A, A and B conversation between mother and daughter and I'm segueing the hell out of.

I mean, I guess high school. I guess I know it from high school. And the mom is like, I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to my daughter.

See, that was the subject that I detected. She pivoted to the daughter. That's when I'd have been like, I'm going to go, I'm going to leave.

Goodbye.

Break this cheese without a grater BRB.

Sydney's like, mom, I do an edible once in a while. There is no reason to freak out. It's legal, it's fine. And the mom, to her credit, is like, well then I guess this is like an extremely hospitable home for you.

Oh, my gosh. That passive aggressive mom response. I mean, to be clear, my mom isn't like that. She is a black woman from the south. She is direct, but that is so funny.

Well, I guess try. I guess that's great for you, sweetie.

Yeah.

But at least she's not being an asshole about it, right?

Exactly.

Could be worse.

Yes.

And the mom is like, so hospitable for you. She picks up the bag. She's like, look at all this pot, right? Because it's like just right there and it's huge. And no one is sure exactly how this happens, but as she picks it up, it intersects with the knife in her right hand are you kidding me?

And opens it back. Are you kidding?

The flower goes everywhere. Like thousands of buds rolling. All the food is flooded with wheat.

Oh, my gosh. Honestly, I feel like the universe is like, oh, I'm going to have. Fun with Noah today. Make sure all the wildest shit happens.

There is, like, a four second pause where everyone is silent, and then suddenly everyone is, like, laughing so hard. They're crying, right? Like, everyone is like, this is the funniest thing that's ever happened to us. Freed from Anime and Mason, we are, like, having fun.

It is like yeah, symbolism. You know what's funny, though? Out of all the times that all these people are screaming, that's when I would scream. Be like, that's when I'm screaming when it's raining. NUGS. The fact that they are silent for this magical, cosmic moment. This is your cue to scream. And then that's my cue to kick a NUG to the side and scoop it up for later.

And just put it in your little pocket.

And put it in my pocket.

I'm cleaning it off this counter to throw it away. Exactly.

Let me help you clean this up.

Everybody's having fun now, right? Like, we're opening wine. Things are, like, almost ready to go in the oven. Even mom is, like, joking. She's like, oh, my God, it's weeds giving, because there is just, like, bud on everything.

Oh, I love the switch in energy. We just needed to get rid of Mason and Anime. They were being such Debbie Downers.

I know. Everyone laughs at this.

Good.

Charlote has this, like, little smirk, and she's like, have you been outside?

Oh, my gosh. Oh, I know what's going to happen.

What do you think is going to happen?

It's a fucking weed farm. It's a fucking weed farm. They're growing weed.

Everyone is looking at each other nervously. Everyone is like, we should go see what's outside. There's, like, a palpable nervous excitement in the air. The stepdad is like, wait, we can't all go outside. Someone needs to find a broom, and we need to harvest what has been thrown.

Yes.

He's like, I need help with this. I can't do it myself. And Noah is like, our poor, sweet Noah. He's like, I will help you.

Yes. They already had that moment where they bonded when they handed off the like, let's continue it.

Yeah, exactly. So Charlote leads, like, mom and Sydney outside, and Noah, our sweet boy, goes downstairs to try and find a broom.

Okay. Downstairs. Where Mason and Anime were like, it is unacceptable.

Mm hmm. He is, like, heading downstairs, and it is like every step is like it's giving horror.

Okay.

It is spooky. It is like, truly, with every step of descent, more rank down there.

Oh, my gosh.

He's like, truly worst moment of my life. Did Mason and anime have a point? He gets down there, and it's so weird. He's like, this is a smart boy. He turns on the light, but it's like the decorations are like things are thumbtacked to the wall, right? There's like a sword on the dresser.

Okay.

He's like, why does this look like an 18 year old boy's bedroom where.

A fad would live. Yeah.

And he's like, what is happening in here? He's like, opening the little closets down there, like the one with the water heater, the one with the air conditioner or whatever, trying to find a broom. To his left is a room, and under the door at the bottom, he can see that it is, like, glowing purple. And he opens the store, and the room is filled with plants.

Oh, my gosh. What are they called? Grow rooms. Like a grow lap. Oh, my gosh.

The only sound down here is, like, the buzz from the lights.

This is honestly the audacity for these people to list this home on home on a literal weed farm business space or whatever.

You're looking to get robbed legal.

What the hell? Okay, honestly, I never thought I would say this. Anime and Mason, they had a point. This is too far. This is too far.

Our boy Noah is, like, reading the little names of the plants, right? He's like Cheese Dope Kinks, moonlight, outdoor passion, caribbean supernova.

Right?

Like, he's like he's touching all the plants. He has, like, just read one that says The Greenest Beans when he hears another really loud scream from outside.

Are you motherfucking kidding me? All of these screams.

You are Noah. You have now run toward three screaming women.

You know, what if I'm Noah, and also I have to run up those creaky basement stairs. Like, uphill running now?

Yeah. And all the way outside, like, they're far away.

I am not running. I feel like I've proved my worth and my commitment to this family that I'm trying to impress. I've now run three times to People's Rescue. I am stealing a NUG, and I'm walking calmly upstairs.

You and Noah, you are now in sync, and that's beautiful. You've been kind of in sync this.

Whole time because Noah noah, meet Noah. Are we destined to be together, Noah's?

Like, it's time for me to not run.

Yes.

He's like, touching a plant. He's like, this is a soft plant. He's communing with the plant.

Yes.

This is, like, the last temptation of Noah, right? Like, he's like, this is I am in heaven or hell. It is unclear which. When he hears another, like, wait.

Like, another one on top of another.

One, and then Sydney screaming his name. So now you've got to go, right? Like, you got to go. So he is sprinting. He sprints up this creaky ass stairs. He's, like, taking them two at a time. He sprints outside. The stepdad is also running and has had to go a much shorter distance. But Noah immediately overtakes him, right? He's gone. He gets outside. He runs across the now clean porch. He goes down the stairs around the corner of the house, where in front of him are rows and rows and rows of sunflowers.

Oh, gorgeous.

And he's like, beautiful. He can see Sydney, like, deep in there waving her arms.

Like, this is giving midsommar because it's like gorgeous greenery. Like, yes, let's do shrooms. I mean, if we weren't with these same like, it's like gorgeous juxtaposed with terror bubbling.

He's running so fast. He turns down the aisle that she's on, and as he turns, he realizes that amongst the sunflowers are weed plants. So it's like, sunflower, weed, plant, sunflower, weed, plant, sunflower, weed, plant. He's zipping down this aisle. Mom is down. She is on the ground. She is gripping her.

Oh, no.

Noah is like, what happened? And Sydney's like, something bit her.

Bit her. I was thinking maybe she twist fell into something bit her.

The stepdad is like, let's get you inside. Like, let's look at it. Let's get it cleaned off.

Right?

He's like, helping the mama. Noah's like, what kind of something bit her?

Enough for her to be on the grounding. Her ankle. Two screams.

Everyone's like, I don't know. Charlote, Sydney. The mom are like, we don't know. And Noah is like, it's pretty important. What bit it's pretty important to how this will be treated.

Yeah. And the Appalachian Mountains in the south, like, growing up, snakes are, like, low key everywhere. Yes. And snakes are dangerous. So Noah needs to know what bit her.

He's getting his workout in. He's running back and forth down these rows, trying to find something.

Oh, goodness. Wow.

He's like a snake, a dog. What?

Oh, goodness. And then what is he going to do when he encounters the animal? Is it up to him to fight off the animal? Because now he's made himself hero of the day. Yeah, I'm stressed.

The stepdad takes mom inside. Sydney is like, noah, stop. Like, she's like, my mom says that we need to like, we need to leave this house. We cannot stay here. It is cursed. Yeah, it Noah. Like noah's, like, okay. Like, I understand that. Sydney's like, okay, I'm going to go pack our bag. Do you want to come with me? And Noah's like, no, I can't let it go. I need to sit out here and find out what this bite was.

Oh, my gosh. Well, now my mind, I love his priorities, which makes, like, we need to find out what the bite was. My thought was like, but shit, is there food in the oven? Like, y'all were all preparing Thanksgiving dinner. What about the food that's cooking and all of that? That's where my mind went. But I appreciate that he's caring about the mom, his potentially future mother in law. Who knows? But what about the food?

Noah stays outside. He's out there for a while because it takes them a long time to get everything packed up. Get the stuff that's in the oven out of the oven. Get everything out of the fridge. Get the beers back in there. Like, this whole situation. He hears Sydney calling him after a little bit, it's like the car's packed. We're ready to go. When he hears, like, a little rustle.

That is always the scariest sound when you can't see what's making the sound, but you can hear a rustle, some nearby movement.

He hears it again. He, like, lies down on the ground, and through the stalks, he can see, like, a little twitching nose and eyes that are, like, rimmed red. What the and, like, teeth chomping, a little leaf, and two very tall, long ears pointing straight up. It's a bunny. She was bit by a bunny.

A bunny?

A bunny.

Oh, no. Yeah, no, she got bit. But, like, that's kind of cute.

It's kind of cute.

How bad could that hurt? It was probably just, like, a little, like, now, you know, like when a puppy play bites you and you're like, oh, bless your heart.

You know what I mean? You tried, babe.

Yeah, that's what I'm imagining. Okay. And bunnies aren't poisonous, so Mom's fine.

Yeah, and they're not like, bats or dogs where it's like your odds of rabies are high.

Exactly.

Yeah. So they take mom to not even the hospital, to the little urgent care. And the doctor's like, she's right. Like, don't worry about it. They went out for dinner. Instead of cooking, they were like, Fuck it, we're going to a restaurant.

Good for them.

Everyone was so hungry. So this was great. And Noah was like, everybody got along. Like, I'm having a good time. This is great. I've made a good impression. I've been the hero of the day.

I get to have all this nice, amazing first impression.

And they found, like, the parents found a hotel nearby that they could all have their own rooms.

Oh, hell yeah.

And so Noah goes into his room at night, and he's, like, pulling out the little buds that he has harvested from the pocket. Like, finally, I can smoke.

Yes. Noah. See, I'm glad he chose himself in the like, he struck a really good balance of really showing up for this family. Kind of going above and beyond, but also being like, I'm gonna look out for me. At the end of the day, though, I'm grabbing snugs.

How do you feel? Wow.

I am gripping my mic so hard, so I feel in my hand, literally. Okay. Oh, my gosh. How do I feel? I feel honestly so happy and relieved for Noah. Like you said, it's not that he made, honestly, the best first impression, because all of these wild ass things that happened to this family allowed him to really step up and show up. And there's nothing worse than a dude that is just taking up space and is not being helpful at all. And so he is showing his value and worth to showing the mom of his girlfriend, being like, hey, I can take care of your daughter. I can show up. I am a help.

I'm the hero this family needs.

I am proactive. If I'm noah. I'm feeling on top of the world, and I'm stepping out from the hotel and rolling a J and lighting one. Think he did a good job of staying true to himself while also being, like, part of meeting the parents is a performance.

And razzle dazzle, baby, he gave him one.

Yeah, exactly. A better performance than the one man show he went to where he met Sydney, for sure. So I think he came out on top.

Would you like to hear the final updates I have about this story, please?

Obviously, yes. Please tell me they're still together, please.

Okay, we'll get there. So the family filed a complaint with Home For You about the house, because they were like, this is a nightmare. We couldn't even stay there. We want our money back.

And they were put in a situation.

Where they could have all been arrested.

Yeah. I am not a stick in the mud. I'm a stoner. But please give me a heads up if I'm on an end, yes? Yeah. Okay, good.

So Home for you opened an investigation, which is how we got a lot of these answers. And through that investigation, they found that the actual owners of the house had rented it out to tenants, and the tenants had turned it into this grow house operation.

Oh, my gosh.

And the tenants had listed it on Home for you to try and get a little extra money. Had the family stayed a little bit longer, they would have learned that the woman on the porch was one of those tenants, and the tenants were still on the property, staying in an apartment above the separate garage.

What? Okay, so it's also giving parasite where yes. Living on the ground. So you don't even know it.

Yes.

Literally. What are they thinking?

It took months to resolve this issue with Home For You because all of the evidence that the family had because this whole story takes place over, like, three and a half hours.

Right.

Like, it's like, a very fast time period that they were in this house. The only evidence they have are Charlote's, Snapchats, and in all of them, everyone looks absolutely thrilled. So it was very hard to convince Home for you that they had a bad time when it's like this photo of people holding a weed bag like a baby with the biggest grins on their face available.

Oh, my gosh. They needed to get, like, a voice note of Anna May, her voice still shaking. Being, like, that kind of man, it's like my wife had being in the presence of marijuana. How dare you?

Exactly.

My wife. My wife, my wife. They needed that's. That's when you need that's.

The energy, Mason, is to get your money back.

Yeah. To get your money back from home for you.

We did learn that in the end, home For You did give them their money back, which good for them.

Yes.

And the next year. This family did not learn their lesson, and they got another home for you to stay in for Thanksgiving. But it went fine.

Okay.

The people who sent in this story told us that just everyone in the family now lives with dread in every home for you and that every time someone opens a door or a cabinet, they're, like, scared.

Oh, my gosh. Yeah. They're traumatized.

They're worried that behind any door, inside any drawer, could be something lurking, but it also could be, like, the biggest bag of weed you've ever seen.

Oh, my gosh. I would love for the ending of the story to be like, this was their gateway experience. Meet cute with weed. Where and then it was raining weed, and they're like, you know what?

You know what?

Yeah. Try it out. And then now every Thanksgiving, they go to a home for you and share a J.

The one nice bow I have for you. It's not like a perfect wrap up bow. It's like one of those sticky ones that you just like, yeah, you on top of the present. Is that Noah and Sydney did get married. Noah and Sydney love is real. Zakia, thank you so much for coming on the show. It was a delight to have you.

Wow. I was riveted. My hand is literally sweating and cramping. I laughed. I cried. I'm craving weed. I also feel validated in my own home for you experience.

Yeah, that was a convenient thing.

It really was. Oh, my gosh. This was so fun.

This is delight. Thank you to the following people who led their voices as experts scream voice Actors benny Cordaro, clara Lanager Renica Ramanathan elizabeth Gordon.

Thank you for listening to normal gossip. If you have a gossip story to share with us, email us at normalgosip@defector.com. Or you can leave us a voicemail at 2679 gossip. If you love this podcast and want us to keep making it, become a friend or a friend of a friend@supportnormalgossep.com. You can follow the show on Instagram and TikTok at normal gossip. You can follow Kelsey on all social media at McKinney. Kelsey. This podcast was produced by Alex Sujong Loughlin. Justin Ellis is defector's projects editor. Jasper Wang and Sean Kuhn are defectors business guys. Tom Lay is our editor in chief. Jay Toll Vieira is our associate producer. Abigail Siegel is our intern. Dan McQuade runs our merch store, which you can find at Normalgossep Store. Tara jacoby designed our show.

Art.

Thank you to Patrick Redford for your help on this episode. Thanks to the rest of the Defector staff, defector Media is a collectively owned, subscriber based media company. Normal Gossip is a proud member of Radiotopia. Normal Gossip is hosted by Kelsey McKinney. I'm Vicki Both, and remember, you did not hear this from me. Thanks to the rest of the Defector staff, defector Media is a collectively owned, subscriber based media company. Normal Gossip is a proud member of radiotopia normal gossip is hosted by kelsey McKinney. I'm vicki both. And remember, you did not hear this from me.

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