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Police officers have a role that we don't think of very often. If you die outside the hospital, it's often law enforcement who have to break the news to people that their loved one has died.

In today's Talk from TED 20 20, police officer Jeremy Brewer shares what he has learned about grief, trauma and empathy from one of the most difficult parts of his job discussing death.

I'm not sure what you might think when you think about the job of a police officer. Recent events have sparked lots of debate over the role of law enforcement in our society and if it should change. And that's a big, important conversation that we all need to have. But today, I'd like to talk about something that's at the core to my day to day work, something not often discussed when talking about police work, and that's dealing with trauma, hurt and loss.

What's it like to tell someone, someone that they know, someone that they love died suddenly? Many of you might think this is done by hospitals or doctors if you die there. Well, usually.

If you die outside the hospital, it's more often than not the police notify that nearest loved one. Doing that type work has taught me powerful lessons on approaching highly charged situations in all areas of my life. My passion to connect started about 10 years ago. I responded to a death call that changed me. A woman, let's call her Vicky, Vicky called because her husband had suddenly collapsed in the hallway of their home. The first responders and I tried everything.

We gave it our best effort. But he died. And complete devastation, Vicki fell to the floor instantly. I could feel us strapping on that emotional armor, going right to work on policies and procedures. I began peppering her with questions like detailed medical history and funeral home arrangements. Questions that she couldn't possibly have been prepared to answer. In an empathetic gesture, I reached down and I put my hand on her shoulder, she flinched and pulled away.

Suddenly her neighbor came running in and instantly hugged her. Vicky pushed her away to the neighbors, seem stunned, a little put off and she walked back out. Then, to make matters worse, the medical examiner's office carrying the body bag, holding her husband dropped it. Down a flight of stairs, crashing into a decorative and table. I will never forget the sound of her voice when she looked at me and said. I wish I never called.

I felt awful. Being confronted with death can be difficult for everyone. Often we rely solely on our instincts to help guide us and law enforcement. We tend to put up an emotional shield, a barrier to emotions. That way, we can focus on policies and procedures to guide us. This is why we can sometimes come across as robotic. I've discovered that in the civilian world, you're often driven by that instinct to fix it. Usually done with well intended comments or physical touch.

Sometimes that may be that right answer. Other times not. Had I slowed down and just taken a breath. I would have been better able to connect to the humanity of that moment. I could have avoided that policy and procedure. Check the box mentality her neighbor, had she slowed down just taking a breath, she may have been able to see that in that moment. Vicky just wasn't prepared for touch. Our hearts may have been in the right place, but we made it about us.

Instead of focusing on her. In complete contrast, more recently, I met a woman, let's call her Monica. I was tasked to tell Monica that her husband had tragically taken his own life. She fell to the floor crying so hard she could barely breathe, the gravity of that moment was so strong. But I knew I needed to resist that urge to move in and to comfort her. That sounds crazy, right? Honestly, it's excruciating in your mind and in your heart, you just want to hug this person.

But I stopped myself. Having been around trauma for over 20 years, I will tell you, not everybody is comfortable with human touch. There are people all over the world suffering from physical or psychological trauma you may know nothing about. Who knows what they're thinking or feeling and those moments, if I move in, if I touch her like I did Vicky, I could unintentionally victimizer all over again. Think respect space, be guided by respect space, it's a simple concept with a huge impact, you can't step into that space.

Until you're invited. So I sat across from Monica. Silent. I literally just feeling that moment, my heart was pounding so hard, I could hear it, that lump in my throat, all I, I could barely swallow. And you know what? That's OK. Emotions and vulnerability could be so hard for some people, I understand. But in human moments, people want human they don't want a robotic police officer to be talking about paperwork. They just want another human to connect to them.

As we sat together, she asked me one question over and over and over again. What am I supposed to tell my kids? One of the most important parts of respecting space is not always having to have an answer. I could feel she didn't want me to answer that question. She didn't want me to try to fix that unfixable moment. She wanted me to connect to the depth of that experience. She was going through yes, I had a job to do.

And when the time was right, I asked the questions that needed to be answered, but I did it at her pace. Responding to death calls has taught me so much about the human experience and the best ways to be there for somebody when they need you the most. But it doesn't always have to be when dealing with death. There's never a bad time to build a connection, hearing a private revelation from a friend, you could be such a better listener.

And an argument with a loved one, by just stepping back and giving that respect space, you could better connect to their side of an issue. You may never be asked to tell a complete stranger that their loved one died, but we all have the opportunity to be the best, most connected versions of ourselves, especially in times of need that respect space that you provide. Another can have a life changing effect on the people around you. Thank you.

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