Happy Scribe Logo

Transcript

Proofread by 0 readers
Proofread
[00:00:00]

The following podcast is a dear media production. Hello, everybody, and welcome to the Beach Bible podcast, I'm your host, Jacki Simmel. It's a gorgeous Sunday morning. There is bacon, a bacon in the oven. The smell overwhelms my nostrils. And this is how I started my gorgeous Sunday morning.

[00:00:34]

You know, in life, they say that the donkey either needs the carrot or the whip.

[00:00:40]

So if we're all donkeys, you're either someone that moves forward because they're dangling a carrot in front of you, preferably farm to table or you're getting whipped in the sphincter and that makes you move.

[00:00:54]

I'm a combination of of both.

[00:00:57]

You know, if the carrot is embellished, I'll probably walk for that. I also respond very well to criticism. It really riles me. It fuels me up. It gets me Rashi. It gets me angry and it gets me motivated.

[00:01:13]

Now, I somebody sent me a screenshot of a podcast review and I would like to read it here because I think it's important.

[00:01:23]

Here it is. The title is Andrew is Not Hot. I think we can all agree that Andrew looks like a skinny lesbian. Jackie constantly brags about how good looking he is and I truly just don't understand it. Honey, baby, sweet cheeks. First of all, that is an entry for your journal, not for a podcast review.

[00:01:45]

So this is what I did at seven a.m. because I am this kind of bitch. I took a picture, I found the girl's Instagram account. I sent it to her. I said, thanks for the Sunday morning chuckle. Also, you'd give any appendage to fuck Andrew. How dare you?

[00:02:01]

You can criticize my looks, my integrity, my character, my lineage, my craft, my job, my family. But you will not look me dead in the eye and tell me that my husband's not fucking hot because you're dead wrong, bitch.

[00:02:20]

And then after I made contact, I did a deep dive Instagram troll and I liked all the pictures of her pudgy, freckly fuck of a boyfriend. So don't come for me, bitch.

[00:02:35]

I hate that I'm like this, but I also love that I'm like this because while spending the majority of my life avoiding conflict, something happened a few years ago and now I'm prime for the Picken.

[00:02:50]

So don't fuck with me or get a journal or get a hobby and shut the fuck up.

[00:02:55]

Don't you dare call my husband a fucking lesbian. The only person that's going to call my husband a lesbian is me, which, by the way, I've done multiple times on this podcast. So thanks for the fucking downloads. I'm the one that says every single year we should go as Ellen and Portia. We would nail it. I would obviously be Portia.

[00:03:18]

Andrew would be Ellen Taylor's oldest time. That's my joke.

[00:03:23]

Hi, everyone. Hope you're well. I don't have coronavirus, so she is chipper as a chicken Disney World is opening.

[00:03:32]

That sounds really like a great idea.

[00:03:36]

You know, where is the least happiest place on Earth? Disney World amidst a global pandemic. I would do weird things for a churro right now. And I do love that bagged pickle. I got to say also the chicken tenders. And if you go to California Adventure, I don't know why or where or how, but they do have a truffle blue cheese stuffed martini olive and it is scintillating and vagina tingling. So when it's safe, I'll go back.

[00:04:05]

In the meantime, it's a Corona palooza.

[00:04:08]

No, thank you. I should also mention my father is totally fine. He's not experiencing any symptoms any more.

[00:04:15]

If you listen to this podcast I said last week, my dad did get coronavirus, but he's totally, totally fine.

[00:04:22]

Little Orphan Jackie. It's all good. That's the joke that I've been making to my my only sick parent because I'm a sick fuck of a human. It's very dark, but it's a coping mechanism.

[00:04:36]

And honestly, I love a fucked up joke.

[00:04:38]

I think that we really need to laugh during these times, especially at sad shit.

[00:04:44]

You know, I said this the other day and I thought it was maybe one of the most prophetic things I've ever said. And by pathetic, I mean deeply, deeply stupid, but like sounds great in a casual convo.

[00:04:58]

I was like, you know. And Drew laughter is the lubrication of life's fucking.

[00:05:04]

And he just blinked at me, per usual, but I mean, hello, Maya Angelou over here, but for real, like life is so dark and scary and fucked and laughing makes everything better and human and just tangible or that's what I think at least.

[00:05:21]

So luckily, my father is fine.

[00:05:24]

We're all fine or negative. We're staying inside. People don't like me getting political. But, you know, you got to go with the times when you're cooped up, shit happens. But back to the light and fluffy. This is very exciting news. Katy Perry has allegedly made Jennifer Aniston her baby's unborn babies godmother. You know, there are no days off for Kitty Purry.

[00:05:51]

Are they friends? This feels very Adrienne Maloof, Taylor Armstrong godmother vibes. It's a very advantageous.

[00:06:02]

Can I be advantageous? I don't know if that's a word, but I'm going to stick with it.

[00:06:08]

Feels like an opportunistic decision. I didn't even know that they knew each other.

[00:06:15]

I thought they were just Eskimo sisters because they both fucked John Mayer.

[00:06:22]

So I thought that was kind of their only affiliation. But apparently their best, best friends is who knew?

[00:06:32]

Katy Perry really bleeds out, doesn't she, for the craft? I mean, she really I mean, there are no days off. The lights never dimmed.

[00:06:40]

She is working all the time. All the time.

[00:06:47]

Do you understand what I'm saying?

[00:06:49]

Also, allegedly, there is a rumor going around that Katy Perry and Taylor Swift are ninth cousins.

[00:07:00]

Oh, OK, cool. So they're cousins. And she says that's why we fight like cousins. And I'm like, OK, what kind of cousins do you have?

[00:07:13]

Cool.

[00:07:13]

So that's my Katy Perry update. I know you guys are on the edge of your seat waiting for that one.

[00:07:20]

We have so many things to discuss. It has been a whirlwind of a week between Will and Jada and the entanglement in Tagle.

[00:07:29]

I like what the fuck is happening. I have a post nasal drip due to seasonal allergies. Also, I've been sleeping. Leo has been sleeping like on my fucking face. I get his dick in my nose. I love it.

[00:07:41]

I am fully in his Grandal yeast infection. He smells like the subtleties of salmon roe.

[00:07:48]

I accidentally kissed his eyeball last night and by accidentally I mean entirely on purpose.

[00:07:53]

And it tasted like, you know, it's sushi when you can get the achara, which are the large salmon eggs, you know, seasonal market price only or like a salmon roe caviar.

[00:08:05]

That's exactly what his eyeballs taste like.

[00:08:09]

And I'm not surprised. I want to put them on a fucking blini and him with some crem mother fucking fresh.

[00:08:15]

Any who what was I saying? So much to discuss the entanglement. Will and Jada entanglement is twenty twenties, conscious uncoupling love celebrities with their vocab terminology when it comes to the marriages. Like who fucking knows what's real, what's not real. We're going to talk about that. Oh my God.

[00:08:35]

Wayfair, Wayfair, Sheean. What the fuck.

[00:08:41]

Before we dive into all the taxing news that has hit us this past week, let's take a second to think about our internal health and wellness, which is why I use ritual vitamins.

[00:08:53]

I started using ritual vitamins before they became a sponsor of this podcast.

[00:08:57]

They were created by a cynic for a cynic. So everything that's in these vitamins, it's totally traceable. You know exactly what you're putting in your body. There's no synthetic fillers, shady extras, mystery additives that are found in most other traditional multivitamins.

[00:09:16]

I love them because I have a very sensitive stomach. And part of the problem, when I was taking all these other vitamins, you know, you is in a swallower, my throat, my trachea is constantly closed.

[00:09:28]

And I was just taking a bunch of shit and I didn't really know why based on useless Google searches and my stomach was just being ripped apart. So Ridgewell, vitamins are coated in like kind of a peppermint detail. So you can wake up first thing in the morning, take them. You don't need to worry about having food.

[00:09:46]

I just literally wake up, pop them, check the box, feel great about myself.

[00:09:51]

These are vegan certified, non GMO gluten free and allergen free. OK, so everything that's in these vitamins, it's plain to see. There's no question mark. It's so great. Ritual's clinical. Study of essential for women showed an increase in vitamin D levels and omega three also Ridgewell vitamins are totally inclusive. They have a new multivitamin for men that I just ordered for Andrew, because if I have to see one more fucking bottle on my goddamn countertop, I will backhand his ass.

[00:10:22]

So he's so excited. They have really a vitamin for everyone. I absolutely love and swear by this multivitamin.

[00:10:30]

Daily changes can lead to big results. So start small today. Ritual is offering my listeners 10 percent off your first three months. Try it out. Satisfaction guaranteed. Go to ritual dotcom forward slash Bible to start your ritual today.

[00:10:44]

That's 10 percent off during your first three months at ritual dotcom forward slash Bible.

[00:10:50]

Let's unpack this allegation that Wayfair is trafficking children via overpriced, disgusting throw pillows. This is insane. And I have been down a wormhole and I kind of fucking believe it.

[00:11:08]

So in earlier this month, some people on Reddit accused the furniture store, the online retailer Wayfair, of trafficking children.

[00:11:19]

OK, so this is obviously like a massive accusation. This is all allegedly. So this is not based on any like police reports or financial records or anything other than really just fishing around the Internet. So Wayfair, I mean, from my understanding, is an online retailer that's relatively it's reasonably priced.

[00:11:43]

You know, you could get an arm chair for like two hundred bucks, perhaps a faux leather swivel chair, perhaps a velvet chaise lounge with brass accents, perhaps, you know, an outdoor otterman with weatherproof sun barella fabric at cost.

[00:12:02]

I don't fucking know. It's it's a reasonable online furniture shop.

[00:12:07]

OK, so apparently they have utility closets and pillows that are starting at like ten thousand dollars. And one of the things here we go, there's a shower curtain that is ten thousand dollars. And people are claiming that the products carry the names of children who have gone missing.

[00:12:34]

So one of the cabinets that appears on Wayfair is the Annabell five shelf storage unit. And if you go with this theory that corresponds with Annabell Wilson, who is missing from Kansas, and this seems bizarre, but like roughly eight hundred thousand children are reported missing every year.

[00:12:58]

So one of them is going to be named Annabell. It's it's fucking baffling.

[00:13:03]

Another claim of, you know, alleged evidence of wayfarers, supposedly nefarious activities is that if you search the SKU number associated with these items.

[00:13:18]

Preceded by SIRC USA on the Russian search engine, Yandex returned images of young female children.

[00:13:28]

So if you search the skew, this is very I mean, we are we are very, very deep down this wormhole.

[00:13:38]

I don't believe it.

[00:13:39]

Obviously, this is an extreme reach. But it is weird that they have products that are seemingly inexpensive products like a shower curtain, like a pillow, like a shelving unit that is upwards of ten thousand dollars, which and the names coordinate with the names of missing children and the Russian search engines.

[00:14:04]

I don't know. I have to tap out because it's so dark. And honestly, I.

[00:14:10]

I have ordered from Wayfair, I have a gorgeous blush Ottoman and I hope this isn't true. I this would probably be an extreme, extreme conspiracy theory, but it's 20, 20. We're locked inside and, you know, the keyboard warriors are out. So I thought it was interesting. Had to mention it. Now let's talk about Will and Jada. I see Jaden Smith every single week. And I just realized it. I mean, I'm I'm immune to his presence.

[00:14:47]

He's a very, very attractive, attractive human being. I will just say that the bone structure is absolutely flawless.

[00:14:58]

So I will navigate this with the utmost grace and perfection. I love Will Smith. I love Jada Pinkett Smith. I have always assumed they had an open relationship, as many people do.

[00:15:13]

I mean, that's been kind of a rumor for a very long time.

[00:15:17]

So Jada Will on her red table talk Facebook show to discuss and entanglement that happened when they were separated or they broke up for a hot second. She had a relationship with this dude. It resurfaced. They cleared the air. She did look at him during that interview. And there was a moment of tension where he said something like, oh, well, now I'm going to get you back.

[00:15:45]

And she looked at him and said, well, I think we're good. I think you've done that already. And I appreciated the peek behind the curtain. Obviously, what goes on in anybody's marriage is nobody's damn fucking business. However, I do tell Andrew if he ever did anything I'm talking a winky face emoji, I would drag his ass on every public platform.

[00:16:12]

I'd get a billboard on sunset. I would tell everybody with a pulse. I would bring it up every single day, every single hour for all of eternity. I think it is heroic when women can get over a betrayal.

[00:16:30]

I physically, mentally and emotionally and not one of those people.

[00:16:35]

I would bring it up forever and ever.

[00:16:38]

And ever. And ever and ever. And ever and fucking ever.

[00:16:43]

I'm someone that as a whole thinks forgiveness is slightly overrated. I don't like the notion that if someone hurts me or betrays me, that it's now on me to elevate myself, forgive and move on to live in unhindered, happy, functional life like that's on that motherfucker.

[00:17:08]

I grapple with this topic because I often find that anger is the fertilizer of my functionality, like I am the best version of myself.

[00:17:20]

When I'm angry, I'm funnier, I more articulate, I'm more visceral, I'm more productive, I'm more motivated.

[00:17:29]

And that is probably something I should talk to a therapist about. However, back to Will and Jada Enough about me, Narcissism 101, my spinoff podcast. Listen, when you're talking to yourself for hours on end, shit just happens. Call me back.

[00:17:47]

I also want to talk about Jolene Maxwell, because I have been on a deep, deep binge with all the Jeffrey Epstein shit. I mean, fuck me up, but to lighten the mood because it's just gotten a little dark. Let's talk about The Real Housewives of New York.

[00:18:03]

Last week's episode was perfection. I don't know what's in the water at Bluestone Manor, but I want to have a mikvah in it.

[00:18:11]

It is stunning. This is why we love The Real Housewives of New York. The just. Position between Ronnie and Beverly Hills is alarming. It's not geographical, it's internal, it's it's emotional.

[00:18:29]

They are completely different shows. Real Housewives of New York has stood the test of time.

[00:18:36]

Ramona Singer people are saying that Ramona seems removed from the show and kind of over it. I entirely disagree. I think that her friction with what's her name, Elise. I think she feels hurt. I feel like she thinks I brought you into this mix and now you're fucking me and I'm over you.

[00:18:57]

And I have 49 other best friends. Nobody in the world has 50 best friends. I have 50 close girlfriends. If I have to hear about her fuckin birthday lunch with the 50 people. By the way, Ramona, my birthday's coming up and I'm going to wrangle. If we get to double digits, we're lucky.

[00:19:17]

Lucky. I have 50 close girlfriends.

[00:19:22]

I've had close girlfriends for ever. Like we get it. Dauth protest too much.

[00:19:28]

She's incredible, though. Like, I cannot quit Ramona Singer. I can also I can't quit any of them.

[00:19:35]

I mean, Lou and Sonia, the cabaret fight about. So Luann has only paid Sonia for her appearances. Two hundred dollars.

[00:19:46]

I get paid more to be a guest on Jeff Lewis live. So let that fucking sink in. Two hundred dollars I will say is it is kind of insulting.

[00:19:58]

And for Lewitinn not to understand the draw of Sonja Morgan is tone deaf.

[00:20:06]

I mean, I love countersue and she's been on this podcast. She came in a sequined Jovani bomber jacket. I met her at a hotel in Beverly Hills. It was one for the books.

[00:20:17]

I mean, a memory I'll never forget. But she has to take a beat, take a step back and understand the value of Sonja Morgan because she is priceless and she does deserve to be paid appropriately.

[00:20:35]

Speaking of fuckin Rhône, your bitch just got a DM from one Jill Zarin saying that her and her daughter love this podcast.

[00:20:45]

She also wants to send me some masks and she would also love to be on this goddamn podcast. And that's what we called pro active housewife thing as a patron and supporter of the arts, particularly Luanne's art.

[00:21:00]

I don't know if you know this about me, but I have seen the cabaret show three times, humble brag.

[00:21:06]

And the last time I saw it, everyone waited backstage for her for like an hour and a half. It was well worth the damn wait. She came in like a true icon.

[00:21:18]

Now I go to a lot of fucking concerts and, you know, I've I've never had to wait that long for anybody. I didn't have to wait that long at the goddamn Rose Bowl.

[00:21:31]

I have to wait that long fucking, you know, Coachella headliner stage. So I'm just like I love the whole vibe of it and I support it obviously emphatically. But I will say that moving forward, I mean, I would be more entirely more inclined to go if I was going to see Sony Morgan's labia.

[00:21:52]

I think we can all agree on that.

[00:21:54]

Let's take a second to talk about my new favorite drink. Vizi. So I was kind of against hard seltzer's for a very long time up until I found Vizi. I just didn't like the taste.

[00:22:07]

They tasted chemically and they were just so not my vibe. I kind of stick with what I know. I tried vizi and my whole world turned upside down. So obviously there's like a million hard seltzer's to choose from. Vizi makes the choice so easy because they have something that all the other hard sells turds don't. The Antioch's. I didn't. I can't speak. I'm drunk off vizi. They've got vitamin C in their damn hard seltzer's so I am obsessed with the blackberry lime.

[00:22:39]

This is what I do. I take a visa, I put it over crushed ice. You know, I love crushed ice and then I add fresh fruit so I'll put like blackberries or mend.

[00:22:50]

I put it in a tall wine glass over ice. It is so fucking delicious and so low calorie and doesn't taste chemically. It just is like fresh and hydrating and like Earth keeps the shakes at bay. Honey, Andrew and I are both obsessed. I have to keep a hidden stash from him because like full disclosure, I've had to reach out to visit 16 times for refills because I'm like, hey, sorry guys, don't know what happened.

[00:23:18]

We're all out and I know exactly what fucking happened, me and Andrew were hit in the visits a little bit too hard. So like I said, this is the only hard Zeltzer crafted with vitamin C. It's extracted from the casserole, a cherry. It's a superfood with 30 times more vitamin C per cup than an orange. They have the most delicious flavors. Pineapple, mango, black, cherry, lime, strawberry, kiwi, blueberry, pomegranate. You literally cannot go wrong.

[00:23:40]

I love the black cherry lime and the pineapple mango. A little fresh fruit. Get out of here.

[00:23:46]

It's five percent above 100 calories and less than one gram of real cane sugar per can. You're going to love it. You need to upgrade your hard seltzer with vizi to find out where you can purchase. Vizi go to vizi hard seltzer dotcom. That's vizi hard zeltzer dotcom must be twenty one or over.

[00:24:05]

Betty Broderick. Betty Broderick. Betty Broderick. Betty Broderick. I stand with Betty Broderick. If you're not watching the series, Dirty John Betty Broderick starring the insatiable Amanda Peet and the Botox clad Christian Slater. That forehead is a forehead to die for. It doesn't move. I mean, he's definitely had an eyebrow lift. Something's brewing behind those eyes. I mean, he needs to go on botched. It's not great, but love him. So the season finale is this week.

[00:24:37]

Now, I don't know if it's just a generational thing. I don't remember the Betty Broderick case. I was very into Lorraine Bobbitt. I was fixated on Mary Kay Letourneau. Ah ah.

[00:24:50]

I think she just passed away, which is very sad. But also, you know, we won't get into it because there was a whole thing and she was with the student and blah, blah, blah. But then were they still together? Did they not? I don't know what happened, but I was like there was just certain cases growing up that I was like riveted by primarily Lorraine Bobbitt.

[00:25:07]

Betty Broderick fell through the cracks for me. I think I was probably too young to understand. So she is still in prison in Chino. Now, there is a covid spike in said prison. So I'm not going to go visit now.

[00:25:22]

But when things die down, I will be there in a vintage eighties Escada skirt suit. I'm going to let the Judaism take way of my volume and my hair. I might chop it, pop in some pearl clip ons and go visit Betty because she needs my support. I want to tell her that I stand with her and I support her.

[00:25:46]

So she was apparently supposed to get out on parole like a million times and they haven't let her out because she's showing no remorse. Now, that's the kind of energy that I live my life with. Never forgive, never forget. And even, you know, yesterday really got a little bit of a tisdall tinsel.

[00:26:08]

And we honestly I mean, I know I make it sound on this podcast like we fight all the time because, you know, it's just available to me. It's just low hanging fruit. But the truth is, we really don't argue.

[00:26:19]

And we got in an argument like two fucking weeks ago and you decided to bring it up again and tell me that I hurt his feelings. And I told him that I was after a little bit back and forth, I finally first I said, I want you to know I'm not sorry for that because I meant every word. And transparency is the fiber of my being. And I'm not sorry. And he's like, OK, fine, that's, you know, whatever you want to do.

[00:26:45]

Then about an hour later, I go, OK, I'm sorry, a little bit. It's like but only thirty five percent.

[00:26:54]

And he goes, thank you. I accept your thirty five percent apology.

[00:26:58]

And then two hours later I bumped it to 50 percent, but I never gave him one hundred percent apology because I told him that my love language is honesty. So if I say things that are brutal and hard to digest, at least I'm being transparent and honest with him.

[00:27:16]

And I would I think what's worse than my cruel words would be a inauthentic apology. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is a Schimel spin move.

[00:27:25]

So mean. Betty Broderick, I feel like we're on the same wavelength. Like, I don't know that if I was in her position, I would be all that fucking sorry for what I did, given the emotional turmoil and psychological abuse that Dan Broderick and that fucking whore Linda gave Betty.

[00:27:46]

Now, there are witnesses, colleagues of Dan Broderick that were ready. I don't know if they did testify or were ready to testify that they had conversations with Dan Broderick, that he said he was going to drive her crazy so she would kill herself and eliminate herself from the problem. So I really do think that what Betty Broderick did was an act of self-defense. We don't know what happened in that house that night.

[00:28:15]

And this is all alleged.

[00:28:17]

These are just. My opinions, and I'm sure I'll get my asshole ripped apart, that is my new weekly routine, I'm ready for it, I'm bent over spread.

[00:28:27]

But I you know, I'm just riveted by it.

[00:28:31]

So I was going to start drafting a letter to Betty because I thought, you know, it might be weird if I just show up in, like, a bubble gum, pink shoulder pad tracksuit in her honor with, like, I hurt Betty tattoo on my tits. So I wanted to just kind of make some headway.

[00:28:46]

I thought, you know what, it's time to write a fucking letter. So this is what I have so far.

[00:28:53]

Dear Betty. Hi, my name's Jackie, by the way.

[00:28:57]

The best thing about it, she's been locked up for so long that I could really, really use this to my advantage. I could tell her that I'm the biggest podcast in the world. I could tell her I'm the equivalent of Diane Sawyer and I want to give her a moment.

[00:29:10]

I want to, like, connect with her and hear her side of the story. Know for her fans. For her supporters. Are you there? Betty, it's me, Jackie. Hi, Betty. It's me, Jackie. Hey, Betty. I mean, I just like I don't even know how to start it, like, hi. Hi. It's too real.

[00:29:30]

Too much. Fuck, Dan Broderick, too weird, you know what, though, she's been in prison for so long that I could really turn to some of our great musical artists and use their lyrics as a form of a letter like I could go, Dear Betty, can I go where you go?

[00:29:48]

Can we always be this close forever and ever take. I'll take you out. I'll take you home.

[00:29:54]

Your my my my murderer or or like a Celine Dion. You were my strength when I was weak. You were my voice when I couldn't speak. You were my eyes when I couldn't reach though that's not right.

[00:30:10]

You were my when you were my arms when I couldn't reach you saw the best there was in me lifted me up when I couldn't fuckin reach Betty. You gave me strength because I believe I'm everything I am because. Because you killed your husband. That's not entirely funny, but you know what, I'm desensitized to death, OK?

[00:30:33]

I know everyone is very worried or perplexed or confused about everything that's going on with Britney Spears.

[00:30:40]

I haven't talked about Britney Spears often on this podcast just because I.

[00:30:46]

I think, you know, someone's mental health is not fodder for entertainment value.

[00:30:55]

I will say that after, you know, doing a bit of research, I think that this is definitely something to do with her conservatorship.

[00:31:06]

I've seen all the videos saying that she they're just doping her up with medication. She can't even, you know, make a phone call without approval. She's locked up in her house and she's losing it a little bit.

[00:31:19]

And all I can say is that we should all be really, really, really nice to Britney on social media because we don't know what the fuck's going on.

[00:31:30]

People are also saying that she's sending secret messages like in the comments, people were saying, Britney, if you need help, post yourself in a yellow shirt. And then the next video, she's wearing a yellow shirts, a crop top shocker.

[00:31:46]

And, you know, God bless her for bringing back the puka shell necklace, because I found I was going through some old tchotchkes of mine, like childhood yearbooks and jewelry boxes.

[00:31:57]

And your bitch was into puka shells. I don't know when this happened. This was probably when I was trying to, like, get finger bang by a guy that had a boogie board.

[00:32:05]

I don't know. But I had puka shells and I can't even imagine myself wearing puka shells because she's nothing, if not consistent. I still have my eighth grade combination dress hanging in my closet.

[00:32:15]

And I tried to wear it at Coachella a couple of years ago and my tits split the seam right in half. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what we call growth. Getting tits in high school was massive for me after the headgear gate of middle school when I had adhesive headgear and inflamed gums because I was allergic to the cement and I would always go for a gold glittery bracket, like, what a sick, stupid bitch.

[00:32:41]

And then my rosacea flare up and my shitty Jew fro.

[00:32:44]

And then finally in tenth grade, I went on birth control and got some tits. Think fuck on my first day of sixth grade, some motherfucker. His name was Ricky. That's all I'll say because I don't want to get sued.

[00:32:57]

He came up to me on my first day of fucking sixth grade. I was like eleven. I don't even know if I had turned twelve yet.

[00:33:04]

He comes up to me and he was super hot and he's like, Hey, can I take you to my English class?

[00:33:10]

And I was like, Oh my God, it's all happening now. You have to understand that my mother instilled a obscene amount of confidence in me.

[00:33:21]

She would I mean, if I was like, oh, Kate Hudson so pretty, Hilary Duff so pretty, she'd be like, you're so much fucking prettier than her.

[00:33:28]

And that wasn't even true. Like, she would just lie to me overkill.

[00:33:32]

Like, you're so much prettier. And I'm like, Mom, my gums are bleeding on five minute intervals. I have a concave chest and I look like I was electrocuted this morning. But thanks for the lies.

[00:33:47]

But you know what self-esteem is. It's the best thing you can give us as struggling prepubescent. So this guy comes up to me and I'm like, oh my God.

[00:33:55]

Like maybe I am low key, gorgeous. Like you look just like Keri Russell. I'm like, yeah, if Carrie Russell got hit by a fucking car and, like, thrown threw acid at her face.

[00:34:09]

Oh, bless her. So he comes up to me, he's like, hey, can I take you?

[00:34:13]

My English class is like Cher. And then he goes, great, I need something flat to write on.

[00:34:19]

Now, I saw this motherfucker before quarantine.

[00:34:24]

He was at a CVS and he got into his his Subaru from 1987 and he had a custom license plate and he had a spoiler on the back. So that's where Ricky's at now. And I wanted to fucking keys car because I was so embarrassed, but I laughed and laughed it off effortlessly. At the time.

[00:34:48]

I was like, oh, good one, buddy. But then, like, crying on the inside. So getting tits is great.

[00:34:54]

Oh, what was I talking about? Britney. That's right. It's not about me anymore. It's not about me. This is why we need to have guest Jill Zarin. You're coming on the podcast. You've been booked obviously like the rest of the world. I am perplexed by Britney.

[00:35:07]

I don't know what happened to her teeth, to her mental health, to I don't know why she has so many chairs in her living room of all shapes and sizes. I still fuck with the choreography. I know people have been making fun of her dance moves. I totally disagree. I think it's classic Britney. She's not known for a long, languid movements. She's known for like a very jerky, like a shoulder shift and like a pop, pop, pop.

[00:35:34]

So I think she's very consistent in her dance moves. I also like that she's able to express herself through her art. And I think we need to be kind and we need to support her. And like in the comments, you know, just give her love. All she needs is love and for cappuccinos and a Neutrogena wipe and a hug and that's all. And in a tiny a tiny chair. Also, casual plug alert, hello, grandma Gloria has a fucking dance track you need to go by, you need to spend the dollar.

[00:36:06]

It's going to charity. It's called Silver Linings, featuring Grandma Gloria. The artist is the Bitch Bible. And while you're at it, go buy the new James Bay single. Chew on my heart, because we've got to keep the lights on in this joint written and produced by my darling husband, Ellen DeGeneres.

[00:36:21]

And just fucking kidding. Brad Pitt wishes it's time for Ask Jackie.

[00:36:29]

That's me.

[00:36:32]

You know, I'm not great at the damn game. I'm not great at interaction in general.

[00:36:38]

But I thought at the end of these solo episodes it would be, you know, a mitzvah on mitzvah to answer some questions that I get in the message boards or the bitch Bible official Facebook group.

[00:36:52]

So here's the first question.

[00:36:54]

I'm not going to name names because I want to protect privacy. Is it weird to hang out with my friend's husband solo? Now, when I read this question immediately, I thought yes, but then after taking pause and assessing my own life, I have to retract and say no.

[00:37:12]

But it's situational. I think that if you have an independent relationship with your friend's husband, I think that's OK. I know that it's it's kind of a weird one because it is a slippery slope. And I do think that there are two I talk about this all the time. There are men that don't know how to have platonic relationships with women, and there are females that don't know how to have platonic relationships with men.

[00:37:37]

They I think that, you know, the societal bullshit term is girls, girl and guys.

[00:37:44]

Girl, I hate those terms. I think they are absolutely stupid. I personally spend time solo with my close friends, husbands like, but I have independent relationships and it's really like brotherly and very comfortable and platonic male female dynamics. So for me, I think it's totally fine.

[00:38:05]

I think it's dependent on what your relationship is like as couples, as you and him, as you and her, and just assess the situation.

[00:38:18]

I think if you even have to ask, then it's probably there's something there. There's something contentious there. So I would say probably no.

[00:38:26]

But for me personally, I don't really think it's weird, but that's just me.

[00:38:33]

I actually think it's really healthy and necessary for women to have male friends. I'm not talking about your ex boyfriend that now you're super close with. I'm talking about a strictly platonic brotherly sounding board. I think the beauty of men and women is that we complement each other so well and it doesn't have to be romantically. And I think some of the best advice I get is from my guy friends, because they're just it's just different.

[00:39:02]

It's just a different angle. There's less emotion involved, which can be a good thing and a bad thing. So go for it. What do I know?

[00:39:10]

Oh, God. Here we are, the old skin care routine. Yikes. Here's the thing. I've been pretty open. I spend an obscene amount of time on my skin care morning and night. It is like my little morning ritual. It relaxes me. I love it. It's ridiculously vain and stupid and I don't even know if I'm doing anything effective, but I just like to get in my robe in the morning. I'm childless, free and frisky.

[00:39:39]

I get the steamer, I get the mask. I spend a solid hour and a half. It's just something that I do for me. I burn my Palo Santo, I shove it up my vagina and we just have a great morning. It like sets the tone for my day.

[00:39:53]

So during this quarantine, I've been getting very experimental because I really try to milk the morning because I wake up at six a.m. so I'm like fucking up and running way earlier than the average human, especially during a lockdown.

[00:40:07]

Like sleep the fuck in. You've got nothing to do. So that's part of the way that I buy time in the morning. I have invested in a light therapy mask.

[00:40:18]

You can get them on Amazon for relatively inexpensive. You know what I'm going to do after this? Actually, I'm going to go on the bitch Bible Dotcom and I'm going to link some products.

[00:40:30]

That's what Jackie's going to do this morning, a real work horse, because I think that will be very effective for all. So I use it. Dr. Dennis Gross mask. I think it's an amazing investment. It's a little bit more expensive. But I have heard from friends that they have some on Amazon that are like one hundred bucks that are fucking great.

[00:40:50]

So highly recommend. I love the whole vibe of it.

[00:40:54]

It's very. It's it's. Every serial killer, it scares the shit out of your significant other friends family bring it on a group trip, everybody loves it. It's a real crowd pleaser, so I'm totally down for that. Also, I just got a few days ago also on Amazon fascial cupping little mechanism's. So you put your serum on your face. I put my facial steamer on. I do it hot for a few minutes and then I switch it to a cool mist.

[00:41:24]

Very crucial. The rosacea flare up does happen. When you get too much steam on your face, it's just what happens.

[00:41:30]

So then you load your face up with serum and then I use these little facial cups to move just like puffiness out of my face after I've been hitting the sodium or the sauce too hard.

[00:41:45]

And it really does. I really think that it works. If anything, it's getting like blood circulation to the skin.

[00:41:51]

And you can tell that it just gets like kind of shinier and tighter also, you know, a need that needs a needle to the forehead.

[00:42:02]

Never killed any bitch.

[00:42:04]

So, you know, there's always also maybe I'm nuts, but there's something about the facial steam that gets your face hot and also with the cupping and, you know, gocher facial massage, whatever, you're heating up your skin.

[00:42:18]

And then I think when you put your makeup on, it goes on so much like smoother and glowing and do or just because your skin is hot. I mean, that makes sense to me. Right? I've also been balls deep in the ticktock and no, I do not have a tick tock. I'm thinking about creating a fake account. Please send name suggestions.

[00:42:40]

I was thinking about something like Brenda Maxwell because it's just so of the moment. So timely. Fuckin Jolene, you better give those names, honey.

[00:42:51]

Get a security guard and then get your security guard a security guard and then get the other security guard, a security guard, a security guard. And you say those fucking names, you sick bitch waiting for that list, saw a list on the Internet. Not sure I believe it. I hope that's not the real list. I mean, that's if so absolutely fucking disgusting.

[00:43:14]

But then also, like, do we know the flight logs? Like, were they just going to a billionaire's island or were they going to a pedophile island? Like, what was what was the trip they were presented?

[00:43:26]

I need to know kind of a breakdown, but I hope that bitch fucking spills because we need to take the lid off this shit. It's disgusting. Oh, I watched the whole thing in one sitting and I was like, oh, my God. It was like nauseated. People are so fucking atrocious. Atrocious. So perhaps Brenda Maxwell coming to a ticktock near you.

[00:43:49]

If I can get around to it, I can't fucking figure it out to save my damn life. There are these people who are like the Steven Spielberg of ticktock with the effects and the backdrops and the I don't know how the fuck they do it.

[00:44:02]

I mean, they can barely put a sentence together and all of a sudden they're like A.I. intelligence with the fucking editing.

[00:44:08]

I don't get it any who I've been ballsed, even the ticktock and I have tried out the new viral concealer.

[00:44:18]

I lived where you put a little in the corner and then you swipe on the corners of your eyes up. Do I. Does it work?

[00:44:26]

I have no fucking clue.

[00:44:30]

There are way too many trends on there. But I get in a vortex, I'm on the toilet and it relaxes me. And I'm just swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe at everyone thinks they're a star, but they're not any who.

[00:44:41]

Go ahead and give us five stars on iTunes and follow me at Jackie Shimmer on Instagram and subscribe to this podcast. Oh, this is what I want to do. Here we go. Oh, my God.

[00:44:55]

I thought about this in the midnight hour. In the witching hour. I wake up every morning at three a.m. for about fifteen minutes and I have the most creative outburst. And then I write it down on my phone and then I fucking forget until I happen to pilfer through the notepads. I want to do a Silver Linings Dance challenge.

[00:45:11]

So on social media, post a video of your kids, a view of your dog, your grandparents, your parents dancing to grandma glorious silver linings tag five people. I'm going to do a giveaway. You're going to get a personalized video from Grandma Gloria herself. You're going to get a portrait of Leo hand painted. I have a plethora. You're going to get a bunch of fuckin goodies, bitch bible give away. It's going to be fantastic. So post yourself dancing.

[00:45:44]

Spread the love. I want this bitch to get back on the charts, OK? And it's for a good cause. So tell everyone you know to fucking buy it. Have a dance, have a cry. Have a cocktail. See you next week. Lovers'.