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[00:00:00]

The following podcast is a dear media production. He might even get my name. That's my Julianne Hough salutation of the day. Good morning. If you don't know what I'm talking about. We're going to break it down, start to finish, because she is Rashi and she is restless. You know, I had an epiphany earlier.

[00:00:32]

I have said that I want this podcast to take on, you know, a new leg of life and be a space for intellectual and elevated conversations. And in my head, that's exactly what this podcast is. I think a lot of what we hear today, especially now, is the importance of mindfulness.

[00:00:55]

And I would like to pivot that and take the approach of mindlessness. Now, many would disagree, but I happen to think that mindlessness is the foundation of happiness because we are getting gangbanged by covid-19, by racial injustices, by death, by trauma.

[00:01:18]

And while trauma bonding is a real thing, I've experienced it personally. I think that as a palate cleanser, everyone needs to also practice the act and art of mindlessness, of resetting, of reframing, of taking a beat, of just regathering ourselves. And one way that I practice mindlessness is by deep trolling.

[00:01:44]

Julianne Hough footage.

[00:01:46]

I'm bewildered by her. It's like watching an extinct pterodactyl that just resurfaced in twenty twenty and is just flying around with with, you know, bedazzled wings and bulging eye and something, something behind the eyes.

[00:02:05]

It's just it's like watching, it's like watching a creature that doesn't exist on earth.

[00:02:10]

But that does and it's both stimulating, perplexing, horrifying. It's poltergeist adjacent. And I really want to break it down because I feel like a I would just like to acknowledge that Julianne Hough is better looking, more successful and more talented than me.

[00:02:27]

I can appreciate that.

[00:02:29]

I can acknowledge it.

[00:02:31]

I'm just calling a spade a spade.

[00:02:34]

I think that the world is so focused on Britney, who's just rolling up her Hanes boxers and giving us a what is that Fortey turn?

[00:02:45]

Is that what it's called? RPK turn forte's? I don't fucking know.

[00:02:49]

I'm not a dancer. I mean, I am a fucking dancer, but, you know, not classically trained.

[00:02:53]

Juilliard, Jody Sawyer. That's a center stage reference.

[00:02:58]

You know, I think we're all focused on Britney and what's going on with her. She's fucking fine, OK? She's doing her damn thing. She's giving us Nelly Furtado interpretive dance realness.

[00:03:10]

The one we need to be concerned about is Jules Hough, just to cover my newly lasered ass. Yes, I got laser hair removal at twelve o'clock.

[00:03:22]

They shut the salons down at twelve thirty. That's what we call a silver lining. I'm sitting on a bag of Noki because my sphincter is burned. I got it in just the nick of time.

[00:03:35]

I've got my entire body lasered, slippery like a seal.

[00:03:39]

Anyhow, to cover my recently lasered ass. I would just like to say that, you know, I've never discussed Julian Huff's marriage. I don't attack her looks, her livelihood.

[00:03:52]

Well, maybe the energy thing, I might have to backpedal on that. But I experienced it. It was fucking weird. I don't like Ponzi schemes. I'm just saying now she's joined with Tony Robbins.

[00:04:02]

Not going to touch that because I want to live another day.

[00:04:05]

I oh, no edits, no edits, no edits.

[00:04:09]

Listen, I have made jokes in the past that I'm not proud of. You know, I have said that Julianne and Derek were Scissor Sisters. Now, I still think that's funny. I'd probably say it in, you know, closed company, but is it lovely?

[00:04:25]

No know. Is it funny? Yes. It's only not funny if it's true.

[00:04:29]

And that's on them. The point I'm trying to make is that I am simply making social commentary about something that I cannot unsee. I'm not going for low hanging fruit. I would never discuss anyone's the dissolution of a marriage or or looks or anything like that.

[00:04:50]

I am just monkey see, monkey talk, monkey drink, monkey take Advil PM isn't that is that a Buddhist thing.

[00:04:59]

I don't know. I'm trying to be spiritual here.

[00:05:01]

I'm trying to be mindful and mindless.

[00:05:05]

So there's a video. On, I believe it's WorldCom that is Julianne Hough's getting ready routine, I'm going to link it on the big pile dot com.

[00:05:15]

I know I said that I was going to link it last week on the big travel dotcom, but I don't even know the login info because I'm operating on a highly professional level over here amidst quarantine.

[00:05:28]

So I'm going to link it. You're going to watch it. Watch it in its entirety. It's twenty two minutes long. I've watched it 13 times.

[00:05:37]

One three with popcorn, with sage burning, with, you know, the shades drawn. I don't need the demons in my house. I don't even believe in that shit.

[00:05:47]

But there is something wrong. There's something wrong here. If this bitch isn't snorting Adderall or laying naked on the shower floor, rocking back and forth, crying before she goes to bed every night, I don't know anything about anything. She's so fucking chipper and so perky and so fraudulently philosophical. And maybe maybe it's me. Maybe I'm just a raging cunt, but I'm a very happy kind, have a very functional life. And I don't understand why I need to be journaling in my leather Moleskine and telling the salad leaves.

[00:06:24]

I appreciate them to live a happy serotonin filled life because it's just incorrect.

[00:06:31]

And I don't care how many hip thrusts I do or gyrations to get my body moving and dancing.

[00:06:40]

I don't want to I want to sit on my ass and shove beige food in every hole. That's what makes me happy that what's that's what makes me blossom like a fucking flower.

[00:06:51]

So Julianne Hough says she wakes up every morning, she opens the blinds, she puts her music on to get the vibrations going through her body, and then she does breathing exercises and this very weird Reagan exercise or movements very sharp and then thinks of something she's grateful for.

[00:07:09]

So I tried to do that this morning. I was doing all the moves. I was opening my palms and my chakras. What was I grateful for? I love a triple cream brie.

[00:07:20]

It rips me apart inside. And I'm I mean, I've taken more charcoal pills in this past week than I will ever admit publicly. Really helps, by the way, guys.

[00:07:29]

Really fucking helps. I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful for so new Morgan. I'm grateful for my dog. I'm grateful that I still have a fucking job. But like, do I need to be doing surgical, like shoulder dislocating to find what I'm grateful for? I don't fucking think so. Then she says she opens the windows and she wants to listen to the birds chirping and communicating.

[00:07:55]

Do you know what that does for me? Massive, massive panic attack, the chirping of a bird. I would rather hear the scream of a loved one.

[00:08:07]

The panicked help, nine one one scream of my nearest and dearest that would would create less trauma than the chirping and the singing of the fucking birds, and that's fucked up.

[00:08:20]

And we're not going to edit it out. I don't care.

[00:08:23]

She also says she likes to open the windows because for the first time she's really getting to connect with her neighbors. Jules.

[00:08:30]

Would you like to come over here and have a showdown with one armed Wilma outside the garage? Because I do that every fucking day and shit's getting awkward.

[00:08:38]

She knows the only thing my fucking neighbors are getting are bags of Leo's feces and death glares. I've been reported to the homeowner's association. Guess how many times this month?

[00:08:50]

15, because we repainted some trim. And it's the white is not the right shade of white and it's not cohesive and they can suck my fucking dick.

[00:09:00]

You know what I said to the president of the homeowners association, hand to God. Andrew looked at me like he all the color drained from his face.

[00:09:07]

We were on speaker. I said, these motherfuckers can barely see their three feet in the fucking grave. They should be paying us to live in this neighborhood where the youngest, coolest thing.

[00:09:16]

You think I like living next to Susie with the fucking garden gnome collection? You think I like putting up with that shit all the trinkets you think I like her fucking ceramic frog? Oh, but the trim of the windows is not the right shade of a crew. Go fuck yourself. I'm not in the mood for this now. I've got to get my whole fuckin house repainted because half blind Hannah down the road has nothing better to do. They've been retired for fifty years and now they're coming for the useful cute couple.

[00:09:48]

Don't even anyways. So Julianne Hough likes to chit chat with her neighbors. I'm sure they run for the fucking hills when they see her skip a doodle and down the street.

[00:10:00]

And our little Peter Pan out for good morning.

[00:10:04]

Isn't it a beautiful day to listen to the birds chirp and the sun and she's just gyrating their little fucking sports bra? No, thank you, ma'am. No, thank you.

[00:10:12]

Then she goes to the mirror and gives herself some positive affirmations.

[00:10:16]

She tells her that she's gorgeous, she's fantastic. She is beautiful. She is spiritual.

[00:10:23]

All of the things I tried that also and you know, I'm looking in the mirror right now because we have mirrors all over this place. It's narcissism system one one I look.

[00:10:37]

Like Charlize Theron in Monster, I mean, I've never looked worse in my entire life. The skin is poppin, it's clean, it's fresh, it's tight.

[00:10:47]

The hair is a Frisian. It's a grey in its pubis.

[00:10:52]

You know, the outfits have just gone downhill, downhill, downhill. I really do.

[00:10:57]

I mean, I really look like an American Girl doll lifesize that got electrocuted and just dragged the wrong side of the tracks.

[00:11:08]

Like, it's just nothing looks good. But that's not where we find ourself love, you know?

[00:11:14]

So I looked at myself, I said, Jackie, you're funny as shit. Your personality really bangs in certain social settings, real flop in others.

[00:11:23]

But that's OK. You've taken this ability to be a massive, massive but well-intentioned cunt.

[00:11:30]

You've been able to monetize that, which is, quite frankly, sensational. And you've got a husband for some fucking reason that loves you to death. So get it, girl. And honestly, with professional help, a little lift lift, a little blow dry and a little underwire. Totally fuck all. So you go girl, you go girl.

[00:11:50]

Everyone, I encourage you to do the same look in the mirror and don't make it an aesthetic thing. Just really peel back the layers, you know. Appreciate that you're not looking as good as you would prefer post quarantine, but that's not what life is about.

[00:12:06]

OK, dig deeper. Dig deeper. So then Julian does that, then she makes her smoothie and she dances for thirty seconds because she's always dancing because I'm not sure if you knew this, but Julianne Hough is a dancer and dancing is her love language and she loves to move her body.

[00:12:27]

Fucking kill me.

[00:12:28]

She's also sticking to an IRA Vedic diet, which is high tumeric, and I probably mispronounced that, but it's antiinflammatory and she's mostly plant based shocker really, because I thought you were going to bust out a rib eye for lunch.

[00:12:44]

So she makes herself a really delicious high vitamin C salad.

[00:12:50]

And then she is Schily just grabs her back and doesn't have technology because it's just good for her to stay centered and just, you know, pop, open up.

[00:13:01]

What are you reading, Jillian? What are you reading up? Back. Are you ranting? Where are the crawfish things?

[00:13:09]

And maybe something by Joan Didion.

[00:13:12]

It's her favorite author.

[00:13:14]

And then she spends about three minutes talking about how she's really taking this time to just appreciate the nutrients of food. And like she's never had a moment in her life to just be mindful and sit with her salad and think where the lettuce came from and how it was harvested and how it got to her refrigerator and how it was placed in her bowl and how it tastes in her mouth. And then the nutrients enjoy it gives her and her body. And I'm like, bitch, have you ever been to the West Valley LPO Loco drive thru next to the 99 cent store where you park and you stare into the boulevard and you eat the crispy chicken skin in the flour tortillas, extra hot sauce with a little black bean and a Mexican rice medley?

[00:14:05]

Have you ever done that? Have you also ever gotten free churros there? Because guess who has on a semi regular basis this bitch? And I don't know where the fuck that chicken came from and I don't know where the fuck that churro is from or what it's going to do to my colon. But I don't give a fuck. I stare off into the car wash.

[00:14:24]

I listen to Howard Stern and I shove it down and that's BLIS. Ever had a mini jersey, Mike's salami sandwich on a Tuesday at three pm for a snack? Just because you love yourself, Jules? Because I certainly have. I get the bread scooped because I'm a lady. I add a little pepper relish because I'm spicy and I enjoy the fuck out of it.

[00:14:48]

The only natural thing about me is the deodorant that I use.

[00:14:52]

I use native deodorant. I've been using it for years. It's fucking stunning. And I'm going to tell you why. First of all, it doesn't just block odor better, it's just made better. All the ingredients in Native are ones that you heard of, like coconut oil, shea butter, tapioca starch. It's also vegan and never tested on animals, aluminum forms, plugs in your sweat glands that keep you from sweating. So and it's just listen, you can Google it.

[00:15:19]

It's not good.

[00:15:21]

Native never uses ingredients like aluminum, parabens, sulfates or talc. It's so important to switch to aluminum free deodorant and you shouldn't have to sacrifice smelling like a dirty bitch, you know what I mean? It keeps you smelling and feeling fresh all day long. I have tried so many other natural deodorants and I feel like I smelt worse and sweat more. Native deodorant is the only one that I have used and absolutely loved. Also, the sense are incredible.

[00:15:51]

You won't smell like Burning Man.

[00:15:53]

You'll smell fresh as a damn daisy. They have over ten cents now. They have a seasonal scent and then they have their classic sense like coconut and vanilla, lavender, rose, cucumber, mint, citrus, herbal. My favorite is the cucumber and mint. Andrew also uses I think he uses one of the seasonal ones, but he loves the cucumber. But also they're like very non they're non gender specific, like anyone can use them also. Oh, my God, the lavender and rose is sensational.

[00:16:27]

We need to reorder that one. I love that one.

[00:16:29]

It's totally risk free to try. It comes with free shipping in the US, plus free 30 day returns and exchanges. If you don't absolutely love it, but you will.

[00:16:37]

It's got over fourteen thousand five star reviews. Do what I did and make the switch to Native today by going to native DEO dotcom bubble.

[00:16:47]

Once again, that's native deo dotcom bible or use promo code Bible at checkout and you're going to get twenty percent off your first order.

[00:16:56]

That's native DCO dotcom slash Bible or use promo code Bible at checkout for twenty percent off your first order.

[00:17:06]

I should also mention that next week we will be joined by the one, the only pillar of the community and the franchise, Jill motherfucking Zahran, very excited for that. I mean, I don't know where it's going to go. Where will the wind take me? I have so many questions, so many questions.

[00:17:26]

So that's going to be. Very often we're going to deep dive New York hard. You know, it's important to keep things spicy in your marriage, and one of the things that I did last week was I ordered a microphone, a karaoke microphone that lights up.

[00:17:43]

It has Bluetooth pairing capability.

[00:17:47]

It really projects the one thing that Andrew and I fight about most, which seems insignificant, but it just is what it is.

[00:17:55]

I'm someone that's a very early riser. I the we'll start working around 6:00 a.m. and it's just a steady decline from that point on. So I operate first thing in the morning. I'm at a ten and then nine, eight and by five o'clock I'm fucking useless to everybody.

[00:18:12]

Andrew definitely peaks around three or four pm. That motherfucker could sleep till three p.m. if I allowed him.

[00:18:22]

I have something in my head and I don't know if it's just from childhood or preconceived notions and routines. I don't know. I associate sleeping in with being lazy, which is ironic because I am literally the laziest person I have ever met in my entire life.

[00:18:41]

And that is not a joke. The my laziness astounds me and I'm not bragging. I'm repulsed by it. And I can't believe how much more successful I could be if I even gave anything three percent more effort.

[00:18:59]

But I'm so complacent and I don't want to I don't want to be greedy with anything because I already feel like I've I've done enough.

[00:19:10]

And I'm just I don't want I want to fly under the radar, you know what I mean?

[00:19:13]

Like I always say, give it thirty six percent and then pivot accordingly.

[00:19:17]

I look at these women in my field like my direct and I don't like the word competition because the beauty of this podcast space, or at least from my eyes, is that everybody really gets along and everybody fucking likes each other.

[00:19:31]

And that's why all this bullshit that goes down in the Facebook groups, if you are you guys, you have friends.

[00:19:35]

You don't like Resat Shade. It does not exist. It doesn't exist with me and my vortex. Anyone that I'm friendly with, anyone that I like it, it's non fucking applicable. So stop digging and go on eBay and sell your Beanie Baby collection, because that is far more interesting and lucrative than creating some type of a narrative competition with females in podcasting.

[00:19:59]

Boring.

[00:20:01]

So it's really lovely to see these bitches are working, these bitches are hustling and I am like in such awe and in such praise and wish I had that chip in me, but I don't. And I hate myself for it.

[00:20:17]

And I try. And I try and I try.

[00:20:20]

But I am a lazy ass bitch. And this quarantine is not helping because it's giving me a gold star on my forehead to do nothing and that is my burden to bear. But this is getting indulgent and it's not about me.

[00:20:35]

So I ordered this karaoke microphone because I thought, what a fun way to jazz up the mornings to wake my husband up, to sing demands to, you know, belt the classics, the Celine, the Mariah, the Barbra, the Beyoncé, the all of the above, you know, and I low key think that I have an amazing vocal styling.

[00:21:00]

My husband says that my range is reminiscent of a Nelly Furtado, a little throaty. And, you know, I am like a bird. I do want to fly away, but I fucking can't because we're in lockdown.

[00:21:12]

So I ordered this microphone and I have been singing at the top of my lungs all day, every day, waiting for Andrew to snap.

[00:21:22]

But then I realize my little August rush has been music is his love language. So for him, he's I mean, he's smiling, he's laughing.

[00:21:31]

He thinks it's hilarious when I wake him up singing at the top of my lungs. Alanis Morissette, you ought to know, changing the lyrics so that he'll make me a McClarty. It's unbelievable. I mean, it's really it makes me laugh. It makes him laugh. I highly recommend it best. Thirty three dollars you'll ever fucking spend. Breaking news.

[00:21:52]

Katy Perry has debunked the rumor that Jennifer Aniston is her unborn child's godmother.

[00:22:00]

She says, I guess this is a fun rumor, but no, we have no idea where it came from.

[00:22:05]

But, you know, that's the product of the media and the Internet. You shouldn't believe everything you read.

[00:22:09]

I wonder where that rumor came from. Teenage dream is bop. I'm just going to say it. You can tell everything about a person by their favorite Katy Perry song. I do this with people all the time. I go one, two, three, favorite Katy Perry song.

[00:22:22]

And if we both say teenage dream, we're good. If they say California girls, not my tongue of a bitch. If you say on. Conditionally, get the fuck out of my house and condition. Oh, my God, that's my next song. I'm going to sing that to Andrew right now. When you're highly irritating, personality affects your love life, as mine often does.

[00:22:42]

Sometimes we need to kick it up a couple of notches and keep it spicy. And that's where Woo comes in.

[00:22:47]

If you have not tried the Woo coconut love oil, you need to stop listening to this podcast, get online and order it immediately.

[00:22:58]

I fucking love this coconut love oil like it is.

[00:23:02]

I'm not going to get specific and graphic because I'm a damn lady, but you will be very happy and your significant other will be very, very happy.

[00:23:11]

Besides it making sex so much more fun and enjoyable for all. It's also antibacterial. It's all natural. It smells incredible. It's so fucking great. And now they have these little quickie packs. So if you're going on vacation or, you know, you're looking for a romp in the parking lot, you can keep it in the dashboard. So when you order the love oil quickies, you're going to get ten packets for single use.

[00:23:41]

So it's filled with the organic love oil. You can put it in your purse next to your lipgloss in your car, wherever the fuck you want it. It's fun for quick or impromptu sex, OK? And it should never be shit sex. Keep it slippery, keep it cute, keep it hot. It's also 100 percent organic. You can literally eat this shit.

[00:24:01]

And I have and it tastes quite delicious. It's free from all those shitty ingredients like parabens, petroleum, silicone, glycerin. It's not sticky or nasty. These products are fucking unbelievable. Also, there's such as like fun sexy gif to send your significant other. The packaging is gorgeous. It's so chic. I hate that word, but there's no other word to say it. It's just like sexy and fun and necessary.

[00:24:27]

And honestly my top corrington by get it, have it delivered, have it addressed to your husband or boyfriend or whatever and have a ball of a damn time.

[00:24:38]

Get the freshest, get the quickest, get the love oil. Get it all. I'm giving you guys twenty five percent off. So if you go to woo more play dot com forward slash discount Ford Bible. So the discount code is Bible for twenty five percent off once again that will more play dotcom slash discount slash Bible.

[00:25:00]

I'm going to be linking it in my Instagram stories because I feel very passionately about it. And you will too. God damn it. You know what song really fucking triggers me lately?

[00:25:10]

That song, because I love you baby.

[00:25:14]

First of all, I think of as Heath Ledger doing high kicks in the bleachers, which makes me sad.

[00:25:19]

And then something about the blend of of the filters and that song being played on every Instagram story. And when I say every single Instagram story, I mean, I've heard that song. It's eight forty eight a.m. and I've already heard it. Sixty four times. It triggers me. I don't know why. I just thought I'd share it with you. You're welcome. I still remember all the tick tock songs, I can't, I can't, I can't.

[00:25:44]

I can't. I can't. I can't do I can't I, I can't I'm not going to talk about it anymore because it's redundant. But the tick tock thing gives me shpilkes.

[00:25:55]

I colossally don't understand. Somebody said to me at dear media, they're like, Charlie could never like making a joke. And I'm like, who the fuck is Charlie?

[00:26:03]

Charlie Chaplin, Charlie XRX, who's Charlie? Charlie Brown? And they're like, If you don't know who Charlie is, you can't be on tape talking.

[00:26:11]

I'm like, fine, don't tempt me with a good time. I can't figure it out. It's like, do you have to be in Mensa to understand how to figure out a tick tock? I tried. I was going to do one of those, like walking in place, jumping into my next outfit videos. First of all, I don't have an Instagram husband, so I'm fucked. I can't get Andrew to take like a picture of me. Like, it just doesn't happen.

[00:26:32]

The reason I don't have any is because I don't have the option. Like, once in a while, I would like to thought the fuck out. I want to remind people that while I have a uncredible personality for days, that I can also kind of turn it out once in a while. And I still am an attractive human being to a small portion of the world, myself included. I can't do that. It's not on the menu.

[00:26:55]

I can't crop. Top it up. I had an amazing bowel movement yesterday. I felt so thin concave, my obliques were popping, popping.

[00:27:04]

And I thought, you know what, I'm going to bust a nasty, nasty luuk.

[00:27:09]

I look at and say, Yo fucker, could you take a picture of your hot wife? He's like, Yeah, he gets the phone. He's not even looking into the camera. He just starts rapid fire. Just they're all the same pictures. I look completely deformed. It's not my angle. He doesn't even try to crop out the fridge in the back. He doesn't try to, you know, maybe get the feta leaf in the back. And by the way, fuck fitly figs.

[00:27:33]

Fuck them.

[00:27:34]

They're dying on me. I can't keep a fig leaf alive. Fuck them. That's rude. I'm sorry.

[00:27:40]

My cousin goes, you know, if you talk to the trees, you know, they'll grow better and they'll flourish.

[00:27:46]

And I'm like, Nick, I'm not talking to my fuckin fiddle leaf, OK? We have a tumultuous relationship. I spent three hundred and fifty dollars on that motherfucker. And then I go to Costco for the first time in my damn life and I see them for twenty five dollars. So we're already in a toxic relationship because I feel duped and this thing keeps dying and then it's resurrecting. And then the leaves.

[00:28:06]

And then it's back. And then it's small and then it grows and I don't know.

[00:28:09]

And I can't keep a plant alive, I can't keep plants alive. But then I'm expected to pop a child out amidst a pandemic.

[00:28:17]

I'm good.

[00:28:17]

We're good. It's good. No, thanks.

[00:28:21]

It's time for Ask Jackie this segment that buys me more minutes so I don't put my foot in my mouth because I'm fucking annoying. And yes, I repeat stories all the time because that's what happens when you've been podcasting for six years and don't have to rely on editing or guests or gimmicks.

[00:28:45]

OK, so let's see. I'm just going to Rapid Fire here. Oh, I'm not answering that question.

[00:28:52]

Someone said if you had to murder one famous person, who would you pick and why? Bonus points. How would you do it? Yeah, I need to answer that question like a fucking hole in the head. Like my lawyers.

[00:29:02]

She's off she's off duty this week.

[00:29:05]

OK, that's a no go to clothing stores, at least somewhat reasonably priced.

[00:29:12]

I get pummeled for this just on social media in life. I love clothes. It is. It's always been my vice. I don't have like an addictive personality. I don't cope with alcohol or drugs or anything extreme like that. I very much so have always been and always will be a shopper. I invest in clothes, you know, damned if you do, damned if you don't.

[00:29:37]

A lot of shit's coming out about this fast fashion and I've never subscribed to that.

[00:29:41]

I, I treat things better when I spend more money on them and I genuinely love clothes and how they're made. And I wear about like three designers like that's it. I just love everything and it fits me right. And I take care of it and I feel like it lasts me a really long time.

[00:29:59]

I think as far as reasonably priced, I don't know if Zara is in the middle of any type of fiasco. So I'm I'm trepidations to even name companies because everyone is you know, a lot's coming to light during these times. I think Zara does a great fucking job of making clothes that are reasonably priced and well-made and fashion forward. I don't fuck with any of the she owns the any zaffar, whatever those those brands are. I don't I don't subscribe to it.

[00:30:29]

I don't like it. I think it's it smells weird and it's just cheap and flammable. And when you look into how these things are made, it's disgusting. I love me and Isabelle Mirant, huge fan they have in a toile line, that's great.

[00:30:46]

I'm not going to answer, I'm just going to shut the fuck up about this because it's highly unlikable and it's going to get me in trouble. So I'm gonna shut the fuck up.

[00:30:51]

If you weren't podcasting, what career would you want to have instead permanently retired?

[00:30:56]

I'm I'm incapable of doing anything else. I'd like to be like a really prissy mixologist for, like an hour a day because I don't think that I could have the work ethic or I would just be too unfriendly after an hour of people demanding things from me.

[00:31:12]

I like anything cooking, but like maybe like a private chef for a small family of four that's very morally flexible.

[00:31:22]

But anything with an H.R. department, I think I'm pretty much out down for the count.

[00:31:26]

You know, it's not it's not for me. Podcasting is probably the only thing I'm equipped to do.

[00:31:32]

Fuck, marry, kill Ramona, Lisa Rinna, Derinda, that is.

[00:31:37]

I am going to I think I'm going to. Oh, wow.

[00:31:41]

That's really hard. I think of it to Mary Ranna. Fuck, Diringer, no, maybe I'm going to marry Derinda, fuck reknit and kill Ramona, I think that's my only option, to be honest.

[00:31:53]

What's your average day like in Caronna lockdown? Well, you know, I wake up, I have breakfast.

[00:32:00]

I'm someone that needs I don't understand intermittent fasting. It blows my mind.

[00:32:05]

I need to eat the second that I wake up. I also keep saltine crackers in my nightstand because sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and I just need a snack. I have to eat every hour and a half. I think I'm hypoglycemic self diagnosed because my stomach goes crazy. I think I'm just programmed that way. So I have a little brekky.

[00:32:24]

Then I'll have my moccia. I do a little iced moccia in the mornings. I try to finish a whole liter, then I take a shower. I spend about an hour and a half doing like a facial routine.

[00:32:37]

I do some cupping, I do a light mask, I do a little steaming. I play my serum's. I get like a roller. I do the Gwoza. I let it sit.

[00:32:44]

I watch vintage Real Housewives of Orange County. I'm in season five right now.

[00:32:48]

Brianna and Ryan just got married in Vegas. It's really riveting shit. And then I'll go pick up lunch somewhere. I go for a drive. I'll go to the market here and there.

[00:33:00]

I just I mean, I didn't go to the market for three months. It's it's new and I just kind of putz around, you know, I can really fill the days. That's never been a problem for me. So I really just I, I stick to a pretty strict routine and I do not allow myself to sit on the sofa until five o'clock.

[00:33:18]

That's my my rule.

[00:33:19]

Am I planning any more mini holidays? California is amazing because there's so many places to go. I'm still very, very, very, very, very vigilant about this lockdown. And I'm completely scared as anybody with a fucking brain cell knows the spikes, the cases are spiking. We're actually worse off than we were at the beginning of March. So I'm still very, very mindful of all of that. That being said, you know, we did escape to Palm Springs.

[00:33:48]

We went to Santa Barbara. We've gone to Santa Ynez. Next week, we are going to Napa. And it's all very covid compliant outdoor wine tasting. I wear, you know, three masks and I have many Lysol cans everywhere I go. And, you know, it's good for the mental mental health as well to kind of get out and be in a different environment.

[00:34:12]

Which person, dead or alive, would you like to have dinner and drinks with?

[00:34:15]

I mean, this is dark and sad, but my mom.

[00:34:19]

OK, moving on to real.

[00:34:22]

What's something you've been offered but turned down lots of shit, lots of shit.

[00:34:27]

My specialty is saying no to things. I always joke with my agent that I want to be someone that's known for saying no and not coming from a place of yes.

[00:34:40]

I think they say in life you only regret the things that you said no to. I completely disagree.

[00:34:48]

I wholeheartedly regret so many things that I said yes to because I thought that I wouldn't have any other options or that's what I was supposed to do, or I was being ungrateful or lazy or undeserving.

[00:35:03]

Say no to shit you hate. You don't want to go to dinner with someone. Just say no. You don't want to take a job that doesn't feel right. Just say no, you don't want to do something. Just say no. It feels fucking fantastic. You don't have to say yes, I hate that mentality and I love Bethenny Frankel.

[00:35:16]

But coming from a place of yes and not my vibe, is there anything about your life you would change?

[00:35:26]

I mean, aesthetically, if I could go back in time and get a baby nose job, a rhinoplasty circa age 15, that might be nice, I'd like to know really.

[00:35:37]

I don't think so. I think I I'm happy. I'm good.

[00:35:40]

We good.

[00:35:43]

If you had to live in any state other than California, where would it be and why?

[00:35:46]

Probably Nashville, Tennessee, because I love it there. And we have friends there that are like family and I love it there. And it's Music City, baby. How do you handle brides in the covered era who expect you to attend? Bachelorettes travel still have 100 hundred person weddings outdoors like it's fucking fine.

[00:36:06]

Who I have always said that brides are their new al-Qaeda. I mean, they are terrorists. And I can't even imagine during a quarantine the conditions quite simply, you just got to shut that shit down. If I had a friend that was trying to get me to a one hundred person wedding, I'd be like, I'd love you. I will buy you whatever you want on your fucking registry. I'm not braving infection to watch you slow dance to Jason Miraz.

[00:36:31]

It's not happening live. Stream it and I'll watch it from home.

[00:36:35]

Less death row, last meal, beverage appetizer, salad course, soup course, main dish, two sides in a dessert. This is so self-indulgent. Everyone's already turned this podcast off.

[00:36:45]

By now my beverage would be a violently shaken probably Belvedere Beluga vodka martini with only a vermouth swish not in the shaker, violently shaken with ice shards on top blue cheese stuffed olives. My appetizer would probably be like caviar and potato chips or.

[00:37:09]

Yeah, that's what I would do.

[00:37:10]

And then my salad cause I mean, if I was dying, I could probably fuck with a barata. I can't I have to stay away from the Bharata in my normal life because it rips me apart.

[00:37:21]

But maybe like a barata with roasted peppers and beautiful heirloom tomatoes with a balsamic glaze for the soup.

[00:37:28]

I would probably do like a Texas chili because once again I'm going under. So who gives a fuck?

[00:37:36]

I'm going to be burning in hell hours later, so I might as well hit it hard with like a filet Texas chili, maybe a little cornbread topping diagonally, sliced green onion, hot tip, slice your green onions diagonally, not horizontally. It really gives it a little flair.

[00:37:52]

My main dish would be just like a delicious no. I'll save that for the sides. My main dish would be.

[00:38:02]

I was going to say my favorite food in the world, by the way, is a chili dog like a New York style chili dog that snaps, never grilled, always boiled long and thin baby like with like a meaty, beefy, carcinogen filled chili, like a powdery chili, you know, nothing, nothing to rustic, nothing to chop, nothing to gourmet, like a dirty canned chili with onions and mustard and sauerkraut.

[00:38:26]

Get in me, get in me.

[00:38:29]

But my main dish would probably be oh it'd have to be sushi like I need all of the fish tons of ponza sauce.

[00:38:36]

My two sides would be a panel of vodka and maybe I should get some greens in there just for good measure for the autopsy.

[00:38:48]

Maybe like a spare, like a truffled asparagus with a fried egg on top.

[00:38:52]

And for dessert I would have I love a mint bon bon a lot.

[00:38:58]

I also like a dark chocolate covered strawberry or I would just have more vodka because who the fuck cares.

[00:39:06]

Here's one that's not so insular and self-indulgent. I'm working from home and I fucking hate it. I don't want to work at all.

[00:39:11]

What would you do to stay motivated? I think you have to reframe, reshift and kind of redo the space. So I mean, this coming for me, this is ridiculous because like I said, lazy ass motherfucker alive. But I think setting the vibe is crucial. When Andrew started working from home, he never really works out of the office.

[00:39:35]

It's it's a studio for him. But I've slowly taken it over day by day.

[00:39:39]

And he was just working like the lights were on, windows up, like just no vibe. I'm a vibe person. Light the candles, make it smell the way that you want. One thing that I did at the beginning of quarantine is I there's a certain smell that I love and it's a specific hotel. It's the Langham hotels have a specific smell. And any time we're there, we're like, it's Australia or it's London or Chicago all like places that we love to go that we go often.

[00:40:06]

So I really have the association of that smell makes me feel like I'm on vacation and I'm automatically having a better time. So at the very beginning, I bought Reid Diffusers from the Langham Hotel and put them all over the fucking house just to make me feel just psychologically or sensory that I was somewhere else. So light the candles, make the space beautiful, put some fresh flowers, whatever you got to do, play music. That's a big one for us, like I always want.

[00:40:36]

Music playing, fresh flowers, candles lit. The vibes got to be great. And just you have to reframe. And part of reframing is, I don't know, kind of resetting, resetting the vibe.

[00:40:50]

I've bought stage, I bought Palo Santo.

[00:40:52]

I burn it all over the house just to try to give it new life. And I would say if you can if you can separate your workspace from like your living space in any capacity, even if it's just taking a dining room table and making it look like an office and making a point not to go sit on the sofa all day and not allowing yourself to get into that weird vortex where you feel like you're at home is really important and crucial for the mind.

[00:41:22]

Thank you all for listening to this podcast. Make sure you give us five stars on iTunes. Soup's important. Also, follow me at Jackie Schimel on Instagram for more debauchery.

[00:41:32]

And we will be back next week with Jill Zarin.

[00:41:37]

Hi, love you.