Oh, yes, my last name is s as in stool sample, m as in m. Yum, yum, yum. I as in ichabod Crane, the headless horseman, t as in titty Twister, and h as in homicide or headless Horseman.

On this episode of the commercial break. Maybe it's because I know how miserable working through a drive thru is. I don't want to subject people to that. Maybe it's because I don't like to sit in that fucking line and be bothered by everybody in front and in back of me. But, I mean, they still would have seen the white powder, but then at know. Oh, Brian's having a little know, toot and snoot before he gets his weekend. Yeah, a little morning toot and snoot. The next episode of the commercial break starts now. I am feeling convivial today. Thank you for sharing with me the wonderful world of conviviality. Now, I'm going to use that word, every third word so I can make myself sound important, Chrissy, important. I saw, like, a very distressing ad on Instagram the other day. How long have you had your mattress for, your current mattress?

Oh, we got it during the pandemic, so four years.

Okay, so not that long. Not that long. What about your pillows?

No, I change those out pretty regularly, like once a year.

Once a year? Yeah, once a year.

Well, there's some.

How much are we paying you?

Once a year?

Geez.

Well, I'm also never quite satisfied with my pillow.

No, I'm never quite satisfied.

I don't throw them away necessarily.

Give a pillowcase.

Rotate. Yeah.

Okay. Got you. Yeah. Hey, listen, that's a good way to do it. I have one pillow. One pillow. And I've had that pillow for about four years. Probably the entirety of the pandemic since we started this. And I think that pillow is pretty darn okay. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

It's not okay all nights. It's not great most nights, but it does the trick sometimes. And I feel like that's the best it's going to get.

Right?

And I think that this feels kind of sad for me in my life, like that. The best I'm going to get is this pillow. That kind of does the trick. I can just never find a pillow that really works.

I know. They're either too hard, too soft. That's it. I mean, basically, I like it heavy.

Soft pillow, but I don't want my neck to be.

Well, that's the thing. You need the neck support or you will wake up with a crick in your neck.

I feel like the correct terminology. A crick in your neck. I don't know who came up with that. What is a crick and why is it in your neck? I know what a crick is. On mountain monsters, that's a body of small body of water flowing north to south. But I don't know what a crick in your neck is, but I've never known. But I'll tell you what, when I go to the chiropractor, it gets that crick right out of my neck. Yeah, I hear it.

Oh, yeah, the neck pop. Me, too.

It's the best thing in the world. It's sweet relief. It's just sweet relief. It's like I live for the neck crack because I can't do it on my own. A lot of the back stuff I can figure out how to do on my own. And I'm a back cracker, man. I'm always twisting my back. It's always some kind of fucked up. So I've learned a lot of exercises and stretches. Yeah, for that, too, to get into those deep spots. But that neck one, I used to be able to pop my neck, like, just pull it and pop it. And I loved it because if I was feeling a little out of whack, I could pop it, and then it felt much better. But I lost that ability. I don't know what tap in my neck. Something. Maybe it's because I'm going to a chiropractor and it's not so fucked up anymore. I don't know. Anyway, I saw an ad for something. I'm not going to mention the name here. Not giving away free advertising. We're barely getting paid advertising. But what I saw disturbed me because the person who looked like a doctor, they had a doctor's outfit on.

They said that after two years, almost 20% of the weight of the pillow is dust mites and dust mite shit. No, I'm just talking about the dust mites.

Okay?

Dust mites and dust mite shit. And now he's advising us to not make our beds because the natural sunlight kills the dust mites. And when you make the bed, you keep them living and growing. And I can't deal with this. It makes my OCD go into high drive, both things. I'm damned if I do, I'm goddamned if I don't. Do you know what I'm saying? I don't want to think about the fact that my four year old pillow was 40% dust mites. But at the same time, I don't want to think about walking into my room without a made bed. It drives me insane. That's why I like hotels, because they really do it right when they. I mean, if you go to the right hotel, they really do it right when they make those beds. And I love it. I love a good made bed.

I do, too.

I like to lay on top of my made bed and take a nap. I don't even bother the sheets.

I do the same thing. And I have a blankie for that. For my nap. My nap blankie.

That should be the only way we're allowed to take naps. The only way you're allowed to take naps is to lay on a bed that is made and put a dainty little blanket on you, because in the middle of the afternoon, you really need the whole shebang. You don't, because then you're just going to fall asleep for hours. Put a dainty little blanket on. We should put this in the notebook in the treaty, because this is really important. I feel like. I feel like some people are doing this a lot. Very wrong. I've seen people I've been with, people I've known, people who get in to the bed as if they're going to bed at night.

Jeff says it.

I can't take it. What's wrong with his brain? What is wrong with him? This is craziness. But now we have doctors. And so I googled this, and I find a litany, literally, a gander of doctors that are out there telling us the same exact thing.

To just lay on top of the made bed?

No, that you should be keeping your bed unmade every day. They say, change your sheets about once a week and keep your bed.

I do change the sheets once a week or so.

Oh, we definitely change them once a week. Yeah, but we have kids who do all kind of weird shit in there. Then we have us who do all kind of weird shit in there, too. But that pillow, I love that pillow. And just the thought of having to give it up because there's dust mite shit all collecting in there is making me very sad. And I'm stressed about it. I really am stressed about it, actually. I went to bed last. I got the pillow from bed bath beyond. They don't even exist anymore. They're done now. They're online now. They're like the Amazon of bedding. But how do I try out a pillow if I can't physically hold it? You know what I'm saying? Where do I go? Target Walmart.

I guess you could have a place that has a good return policy.

Yeah, that's true. That's true. But don't they treat pillows like they treat shoes? Like, if they see a little scuff mark, they're not going to bring it back.

I don't know. It depends on the store.

Yeah, I'll bring it back two years from now when the dust mites are off. It's just weird. It took me so long to find this pillow, and now I have to think about the fact that there are dust mites just running all over me at night. Makes me sick to my stomach. But I also.

There's also, like, skin that I've heard, too.

Yeah. I'm not so worried about that sweat because I take a three hour shower before I go to bed. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

And I exfoliate, so I'm not too, too worried about that. And that's not living. That's not alive. What I'm worried about is the alive stuff. The dust mite. God damn, Chrissy. Really? The longer I live, the more things I'm supposed to be scared of. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, I should have known this my entire life. Like, I should have known my entire life when my dad was telling me to make my bed, that, in fact, I should have never been making my bed.

That's right.

I mean, my dad would go crazy if he heard this information.

Crazy. I guess there's a right way to do it. And that would just be that you maybe fold. Fold your sheets and your bedding down to the. Listen, I definitely couldn't have, like, scattered comforters.

No, you're making me sick just talking about it. Listen to me. Chris and joy. Holy. Listen to me. These fucking doctors in this fucking video. And then additional research that I did, they are literally showing beds like, you just popped out of bed. Right. Not that you folded it. You didn't make your pillows. You didn't fluff them up. You didn't put them against the headboard. Literally, like you slept. That's how they're showing. That's what they're showing the stock footage of. Yes. And so how am I supposed to be a human being and do this? Doesn't make any sense. Listen, if we were in the middle of a nuclear war and everything had gone to hell in a handbasket, I could at least have some comfort in knowing that my bed would be made when I got home. It would be made every day.

Yeah, well, because there's nothing like getting into a made bed.

Nothing. There's no thing on earth like it. I can't think of anything else. It's like a warm cover. I hate to put it this way, but I'm going to put it this way. It's like the perfect penis or the perfect vagina. You find it, you stick with it. You know what I'm saying? You make your bed because it's the perfect thing. There is nothing quite like. No rolling down those sheets at night.

Exactly. Slipping into the covers, sliding in. Yeah, I know. And it doesn't feel the same if you're just hiding. It doesn't feel the same as if you. When you got into the bed.

No.

You had to pull up rumpled.

Yeah. If I pull up rumple cover, then I got to think about all the flop sweat I had last night. But somehow it magically goes away if I put my sheets up and tighten them and everything's good. I can't take this. I can't take it. I'm really distressed. I'm super distressed about this. Of all the things I got going on in my life that I have to be stressed about, what I'm really stressed about is not making my bed. That's what I'm stressed about. I cannot take it any longer.

Things you can control.

Yes. It's one of the things that I can control in my life. You're right about that. And it's something that also makes me feel very good. When I walk into my room, I don't know. I work from the house, obviously, but I go into my room multiple times a day. Sometimes I take phone calls in there. Whatever I'm doing, I want to go watch 5 seconds worth of TV before one of my kids screams at me. Whatever it is, when I go in there, there's some level of satisfaction.

Absolutely.

Love. I am so madly in love with my wife, but I'm equally and madly in love with my maid bed. I don't know how to say it any other way. It's just the way that I feel important. It really is.

You spend half your life.

I don't know, what are the single people doing or the people without kids? I don't know. They spend half their life in there. That's what I feel like.

Yeah.

I see all these kids TikToking and tweetering and all that other Instagramming or whatever it is, insta ing, and I'm telling you what, they're all in seen. There's now podcasts where people are just laying in bed who's that girl? You seen the girl? What's her name? You know, I'm talking about the girl. Everyone's crazy about it. Almost dated Drake or they broke up or, you know, I'm talking about. I can't remember the girl's name. No, she's doing a podcast for bed.

Well, so did Megan Malali and her husband did a podcast that was all in bed.

Well, was the bed made is all I got to know? That's my question. They were laying down in the. Listen, I just cannot get on board with this. No matter how sick it's going to eventually make me, I'm going to continue to make my bed as long as these hands will pull up the covers.

Guarantee you the people that are living to these great old ages make their bed. Make their bed. Most likely make their bed and have been sleeping on older pillows.

My mental health is so much more important than dust mites, than my physical health. That's right. Listen, this body is going to go. It's already gone. There's no use for it anymore. But this mind, this mind is still 50% of what it was at its heyday. And I got to keep it that way. And so I can't be worrying when I'm out there in the wild jungle of dodging Karens and Starbuck idiots and driving like morons. When I have to go out there in the world. It's very big and scary place for everyone right now. When I have to go out there, I often think about my made bed. That's what I think about.

But even if I'm running late, I will quickly make the bed. I did it today.

Oh, yeah.

I was like, got to make that bed.

When I'm have. God bless this child. I don't know why she stays with me. I will make the bed. No matter what. I will make the bed. And I do chores. I'm not afraid of any of that stuff. Housework, as much as I'm allowed to. I go in on it. But most, at least weekdays, I go in to do the morning press conference with the my. In my bathroom with my coffee and my important reading materials. And the kids come in and stand around me.

And we all.

Yeah. And we all talk, we conversate. When I'm giving my morning press conference, acid's making that bed because that's what she does. She just comes in, she makes the bed. This is just nothing like it. It fills my heart with joy that she took the time to do that. And then it fills my heart with joy that it's done. And I just love it. And I make the bed on the weekends. Usually I'm the one. I get up there, I pull up the covers and there's just a certain way to do it. There's a certain finesse about it that we like. And I can't think of giving that up for nothing. I am a heroin addict with bed sheets. That's what it is. That's what I'm saying. Kids. And I just can't be bothered with any of this scientific bullshit. Now. I know what the vaccine people were talking about. You know what I'm saying? Fuck science. Let's go backwards. That's all I care about. Let's do it. I'm all about. And I'm not giving up that pillow quite yet because I got to go find another one. And where is there a pillow store?

Who's got a pillow? Macy's, I guess.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I've gotten some pillows from Macy's and those are pretty good.

Yeah.

There's another couple of sites that I could tell you about.

Okay. Yeah, please do. I'd rather a place where I can go and physically interact with the pillow. I go to Macy's and the last time I bought a bed, I went to Macy's. I was there for 6 hours and five and a half of those hours. What's that?

Let's say any mall or bedding stores. I mean, like mattress stores have pillows.

Yeah, I've tried those pillows out, like from the mattress firms and places like that. And I find that they just carry their brand of pillows and maybe one other. And I don't know why people like these type of pillows, but they're a little bit lighter and they're puffy and you have to actually lay on them and then it lets some of the air out, but it's like puffy and.

It makes my neck hurt.

No, I want flat and mushy. I want mashed potatoes in my pocket.

I like foam.

You like foam?

Yeah.

Do you ever guys have a foam mattress top?

No.

Okay. Either do we. Yeah, I'm not going for that. And you know what? We did this last time we got a mattress. We did put one of those hermetically sealed mattress covers on it. Do you know what I'm talking about? The kind that zip up. Right. We can spill anything on it and it's not going to get to the mattress. So maybe in that sense I'm a little less scared of the dust mites because I know they're very small and they could probably get through the little holes in that. Even though water can't penetrate it, the fucking dust mites will.

Maybe you need a pillow. Maybe just think about a new pillow cover.

Yeah, I got the COVID that I like. I just got to find a pillow that fits in there. And here's the thing. Send me to a store. I need to make a day out of it because last time I went for a mattress, Astro and I were there for about 6 hours, and about five and a half hours of that was me taking like 15 minutes naps on each bed. And you think I'm kidding. I'm not. I was driving this salesperson fucking bananas because he'd be like, oh, here's our, see the apostrophe? Queen size bob, JBD, badabadoo, whatever he was saying. And I'd be taking a nap. I'd be sleeping while he was talking about. But we had just had our 53rd.

Child, and I was like, you were taking a nap?

Oh, I was taking any opportunity, yes. And then forget about it. When I got to the pillow section. Oh, forget about it. The guy was like, he was absolutely going insane. But even the nice mattress store that we went to did not have great pillows. I had to go to bed, Bath and beyond, and I had to find one of these off brand pillows. It's very heavy, it's weighted, and it is really firm. Mashed potatoes is all I can say in it. And it is great. One of the seven nights a week and then the other nights. And how is that possible? How can I not like it every night of the week? How is that possible? Am I such a persnickety human being that I really can't live with a.

Pillow full seven days to keep rotating?

Oh, I'm going to be rotating. Don't you worry about it. I'm going to be rotating. I would rather switch out mattresses every morning than not make my bed. That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to have seven mattresses, and I'm just going to rotate them, and the other six days are going to be left out in the sun to kill all the dust mites. That's what I'm going to do.

There you go.

Start hanging my sheets outside the window.

Like, why don't you put your pillow out there? Put your pillow out in the sun.

Yeah, I know everything pillow.

I know. I made Jeff just get rid of one, too. I was like, we bought that. I remember buying that right around the time we were getting serious. And that's ten years ago. Oh, did you really get rid of that?

Oh, my God.

It's time for a new one.

Oh, poor Jeff.

He wouldn't have known. He was like, what?

Yeah.

Because I do. I buy pillows all the time. I'm always switching stuff out, bedding wise.

Sure.

And so he probably just thought.

Yeah, he probably thought that was the same pillow. I think maybe Astrid's doing that, too, but I just haven't noticed yet. Maybe that's why it's only comfortable part of the time. Right, because she's actually just switching pillows. Exactly. Until I say I got a good night's sleep. And Astrid is always so concerned with my sleep. Let me tell you something.

Sleep's important.

I know, but with the children and with all of the comings and goings of the kids and our lives, I either am feeling a little bit stressed out at the end of the day or because the next day is already coming and I don't want to think about it, or it's just uncomfortable to sleep because there's a lot of commotion sometimes that happens in the middle of the night, that the last five or six years have not been the greatest sleeping years of my life. I'm not getting great sleep all the time. I'd say probably if I get two really good stretches of sleep a week, like a good four to six hour stretch where I'm uninterrupted, my eyes are closed, and I wake up feeling a little bit refreshed, that is a good week. Because the other five or six nights of the week, I am just miserable. I'm just tossing and turning and miserable. And so I feel like I need to give myself the best possible opportunity to have a good night's sleep by making sure that my fucking pillow is comfortable.

That's right.

And so if it's got twelve pounds of dust mites in it, well, then, damn be it. Those dust mites and I are going down together.

That's right.

All going down together.

Everybody's going to get asleep.

That's right. Everybody's going to sleep together. Hey, listen, as long as they're sleeping, I guess I can live with them.

That's right.

I'll tell you what, I'll be fucking. Goddamn. Before I start not making my bed, I want to hear from those of you who do not make your bed, because I know there's some of you nasty motherfuckers out there. 212433 TCB. I want to hear, do you not make your bed because you're lazy, or do you not make your bed because of some other reason. And I do know, personally know people in my life, and I have dated people who don't make the bed, and that is a deal breaker. It was a deal breaker. Yeah. Now, I'd let it drag on for a couple months because it's hard to find a girlfriend these days. But that's neither here nor there, Chrissy. Not talking about that part of the story.

No, not yet.

Okay. We have lots more chat to come, I promise. Almost will drop the pillows for right now, but I'll be back to it. Don't you worry. I'm following up on this one. This one is going to get stuck in my craw. I guarantee. I know my OCD.

Like a crick in the neck.

Like a crick in the neck. You got to go pop it out. All right, let's take a break and then. Yeah, we'll be back.

I know you're already on your phone, so pull up Instagram and follow us at the commercial break, and then follow us on TikTok at TCB podcast. Done. Perfect. Thank you. Since you're at the ready, why not text us? Hello at 212433 TCB. Or if you've got some drama in your life, a little fun story or anything, really. We're desperate for content. Call and leave us a message at 212433 TCV. And don't forget to check out tcbpodcast.com, because that's got it all. Speaking of having it all, let's listen to our fabulous sponsors and get back to the commercial break. It's after bedtime. The kids are asleep, and the moms are out to play. We're Dina and Kristen, the duo behind the Instagram account.

Big little feelings. I'm Dina.

I'm a child therapist and mom of two who nerds out on all things neurobiology and psychology. And Kristen is a parent coach who wrangles three kids on a daily basis.

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All right, we're back, and I know you're happy to hear from us.

Back, feeling rested. We're feeling refreshed.

I just went and took a nap with 20 billion of my little friends. All right, so you notice I had a little red here on my lip.

Now that you pointed out.

Yeah, okay. Little red on my lip. When I was a kid, I had a really bad case of acne. Like, they called it cystic acne, and it was fucking miserable because being 13 years old is difficult enough as it is, but then have literal moons show up on your face from one day to the other that are huge, red, and impossible to get rid of, and life is a nightmare. Now, luckily, I have my award winning personality to go along with it. I actually think this is part of.

Where you developed it.

I think it's part of where I started to develop my love of the comic.

Sure.

My sense of abilities as far as comedy. Yeah. I was going to laugh or I was going to cry, and either I was going to laugh at myself first and beat them to the punch, or they were going to laugh at me. But if I could laugh along with them or make them laugh even harder than they were already laughing at me, then there was some justice in it, or there was some comfort in that. Right. But I had to take this medicine called accutane. Accutane is now banned.

Yeah. Jeff had to do the same thing.

Oh, he did? He took Accutane?

Yeah.

Oh. I think actually, Jeff and I talked about that, and it was a no joke medication. That medication made you shed skin like a dog sheds hair. It was insane. Your skin was constantly peeling. Your face was constantly red and dry. And what it was doing was killing the oil pores, essentially.

Yeah.

And this actually is part of the reason how I got addicted to kind of tanning. Right. Because I had no interest in the sun until I turned about 15 years old, took Accutane, and the doctor's orders were this, stay the fuck out of the sun for the next six months while you do this. Right. And at that time, they didn't know that Accutane also caused serious psychological issues.

And, like kidney or liver damage.

I don't know. I'm still here. So I guess it didn't for me. But I think the thing they found first was there was a very high instance of suicide on people that were taking this particular drug because it was driving them crazy. And now that I think back, or when I, you know, I realized this probably 15 years ago, but when I looked back on it, when all the conversation about Accutane started coming up, when I looked back on it, I was going through some serious emotional issues during that period of time. It did affect me in that way. I'm sure of it. But it sure did take care of the acne. Right. At least that part was knocked out. I mean, basically caused me to go crazy, but I didn't have a zit to be found. It really cleared my skin up. It worked like magic. I had no more cystic acne, so I took it for about six months. I dealt with it for about another six months after that. And then just slowly it went away. So about a year and a half later, I just never dealt with acne again. But the doctor said, stay out of the sun while you're on it, for the year, while you're on it, and then six months later.

But then you may need to see yourself get in the sun or a tanning bed or UV light or whatever, on a frequent basis ish, to make sure that your skin stays dry. Right, okay. And he said, also, doctor's orders. Doctor's orders. That's what I've been saying. Now, my new doctor, dermatologist, says, that is bullshit. That is bullshit. I don't know who told you that, but that's not how it works.

Right, right.

Okay. But whatever. I'm going to listen to the first doctor because he was back in the 90s when everything was hot, to try the Ziz 90s. You know what I'm saying? Whiz bang 90s. But I say all this to say that he also told me that we don't know that accutane lasts forever. We don't know that it kills your oil pores or the cystic acne or whatever's called. Whatever. The reason why I was getting it, we don't know that it takes care of it forever. We just think it'll take care of it for a period of time. So you may end up dealing with this later on in life, which I haven't, luckily. But now, every once in a while, I'll get a zit here and there like everybody else, right? But what I found is, since I got this beard, I find that oftentimes I'll get a zit under the beard, right? And then it'll combo. It'll team up with a hair follicle to get an ingrown hair pimple. Do you know what I'm saying? Oftentimes, right on top of each other or right next door to each other. So it's like a double mess going on.

And sometimes it happens right here on my upper lip where my beard meets my lip. So I wake up whenever a couple of days ago, and then I can feel it. You can't see it, but you can feel it. You're like, oh, fuck, motherfucker. And so I got that benzoyl peroxide shit that everybody has sitting somewhere in their cabin. It's probably crusty white shit falling all over it. And I probably had the same bottle for ten years.

Oh, yeah, because you still use it on a regular basis.

I don't use it three, four times a year.

I think I had to throw ours out. Recently, I was cleaning out the medicine cabinet and was like, oh, that expired, like, five years ago.

I think I still have clearer cell from back when I was taking accutane. And I use it, I'm like, whatever. And so I dab a little bit. Okay. And then I had one, like, right under my nose right here. Right. So I dab a little bit here on my lip, and I dab a little bit on my nose. So I got two white spots right there. And then I go to bed.

Go to sleep with your dust mites?

With my dust mites, my dust mite buddies, and my mashed potato pillow. But my bed was made, and that's what's important.

That's right.

So I wake up the next day, and as I often do, I run to the kitchen to go get my coffee. And then I hurry to the bathroom to release that coffee into the wild. So I go, and I realize that this is how I do it. I get a nice, large cup of coffee, and I don't drink the whole thing, because can't take that much caffeine in the day. But then I have a leftover for the next day, and then I rinse and repeat. Yeah, half and half. And so I'll throw the other half into a new cup. And then I got that for tomorrow and so on and so forth. And I just switch out cups every day, right? So I go in there. But every once in a blue moon, the schedule gets fucked up for some reason. And I don't have my full half cup of coffee ready for the next morning. And so, to my chagrin, it was a weekend day, and I didn't have my full half cup of coffee.

I was very full.

Half. The full half. It's got to be full to the half. It's got to be right up to the half. Full level.

You're so funny. I like your routine. Because of my sense of routine.

My cystic acne caused me to be that funny. All right, so kids are running around, morning press conference. I'm out of coffee. So I run out to Astrid. I say, I got to go. I got to go. I got to go to the coffee shop right now. It's very important. Can you make the bed? I actually made the bed, then I went, so. Of course, honey. Okay. I'll be back in a few minutes. So I go up to Starbucks, got out of the car, go to Starbucks. I haven't showered or anything. I walk into the Starbucks, and the young lady who I know and I've known probably for two years now, is just, like, staring at me, like, with her headcock like this. And I'm like, what is going on? Why is that? She gave me kind of a weird look, right? She's like, the usual. And I'm like, yeah. And she's, like, straining her face a little bit. The usual? And I'm like, what? Weird? And then all the little. Not little baristas. The baristas that I know are back there doing, hey, Brian, hey, hey. And every time someone says, hi, hey. And looks up to me, they're like.

Hey, they're doing like a double take.

They're doing a double take. And I'm like, I have a booger. What's going. I mean, what's going on? Are they mad at me for some reason? Okay, now I want to show you exactly why the baristas were looking at me in this weird way, Chrissy. And it doesn't take a genius to figure this out. I had not washed my face before I went to the coffee shop, so the white stuff was still stuck. Now, luckily, over the course of the night, I guess it rubbed off my lip, but I had not, unfortunately, taken it off of my nose. So this is how I walked into the Starbucks.

They were wondering if you actually did need coffee, because it looks like you just snorted off.

Yes. I had a long night at the office, and I have cocaine stuck directly under my nose. I mean, if I saw that, I'd be like, holy shit. That bro is hardcore. That bro is hardcore. Look at him. He just walked in here with fucking.

Just did a key bump into the coffee store.

Into the coffee store. That's right. To get more high. I mean, these people were rightfully looking at me like I was an insane person.

Usual?

Yeah, the usual. Sure. Should we call an ambulance? Because I walk in there all stressed out that I don't have coffee. My eyes are probably bulging because I'm having caffeine withdrawal. I'm like, coffee. And they're probably. No, no, you don't actually. Settle down, Brian. The manager comes over, puts her arm around me. Listen, I've had friends that have gone through this before. We can help. It works if you work it. Have you gone to Aana, anything like that? Chrissy, I got fucking white shit all up in my nose and on my beard. And it looks like I have done cocaine. I mean, exactly. Like, I had just done a bump and had come off on my beard. It was unbelievable.

So you didn't even realize this until you got back in the car?

Maybe I didn't realize it until I got into the shower. I try not to look at myself too much, but then there's a mirror right near the shower, and I just looked over and I was like, what is that? Oh, shit. No. Because you can't take that back. And if you walk in making excuses, then they think you have more of a problem than you actually do now. They're like, well, denial is the first step.

You're just going to have to move. That's right.

Denial is the first part of addiction. And I'm like, oh, I just have to glide by it.

Or you could make fun of know, and you could just go in the next time with two.

Yes.

And just continue this.

Listen, I should do this. I just keep up this running joke of going into the Starbucks every day. Yes, I should lean into it. I can do one of two things. I can. One of three things. I can ignore it, which I have done so far. I can address it like, hey, remember the other day when I had cocaine under my nose? Just clear yourself. No, you can't do that, because of course they're going to be like, sure, Brian, I'm 25 years old. I know what a long night looks like. And you look like a long night every time you come in here. Or number three, I just keep it going. And then someone will eventually ask, what's that? And I'll go, oh, when I was 15 years old, I had cystic acne. I could tell the story.

Or maybe you could be in there while you're waiting. You placed your order and you're waiting. And maybe you could just whip out the baggie.

Yeah. The tube of clearance out and just like, start putting it all over.

You're like, I have to do this. Get a little compact mirror and be like, treatment.

It's this treatment. It's for my safety. Acne. It's a preventative measure. Or I could take out a little baggie with, like, baking powder in it and just be like. And see if anybody stops me because it's 2024. And I don't think anybody would actually. I think I'd be on Instagram before anybody would say anything to me. I mean, it was the most embarrassing fucking thing. Because there is no good way out of this. None. There's no good way out of it. They all think I'm a Cokehead. I know what's happened. Even so, there's probably 30 people that work at that Starbucks, right? It's a rotating cast of characters. Every morning you go in there. I don't know, it's like those lottery balls jangling around in that thing when they pick them up. It's like you never know who you're going to get. But I know almost every one of them, unless they're new or visiting for another store. And so I know how the restaurant business works. Instant. There's a WhatsApp group starbucks north of know, chitty chat group or whatever. And they're probably like someone took a picture for sure. I just know someone took a picture.

Brian today.

Yeah. Look at Brian. Now we know what he does for a living. Coke dealer. So you know that there's an.

You could also use the drive through.

I could, but I don't like the drive through. The drive through at Starbucks is not my thing. I don't know. Maybe it's because it's like one of the few human adult interactions that I get on a daily basis could be changed, and I like to extend it just a couple extra minutes. Maybe it's because I know how miserable working through a drive through is. I don't want to subject people to that. Maybe it's because I don't like to sit in that fucking line and be bothered by everybody in front and in back of me. But had I, I mean, they still would have seen the white powder. But then at know. Oh, Brian's having a little know, toot and snoot before he gets his weekend. Yeah, a little morning toot and snoot, but now there's no good way. So I'm just praying. And I don't think there's almost any. Here's also why I really like the Starbucks. Because they're all so young up there. I know there's zero chance they're ever going to find the commercial break. And no one's ever asked me what I do for a living. And I like it that way.

It's not Starbucks kind of conversations it avoids. Know, but I'm saying this out loud in the hopes that the people at my Starbucks will have actually listened to this episode. And they'll go, oh, Brian. But maybe they'll go, oh, Brian was making excuses for the cocaine on his face the other day.

It's all going to seem like an excuse.

Yeah, just know. Just know this. I was talking to my friend Rafa about this. When Raphael had children, he had them young. He had. Yeah, his wife was 1819 years old when they had their first child. And Rafa was, I think we were probably, I want to say, 25, 26 years old. So he was probably 25, 26 years old when he had his first child. He didn't miss a beat. He continued to do exactly what he was doing previous to that. He partied right through. But awesome father, don't get me wrong, but he found a way to fit it all in.

Yeah.

At my age, at my advanced age, there is no fucking way. I don't even drink anymore because I can't. Astrid went out the other night and she. She's much younger than I am, but she goes, and we're not huge drinkers, but she goes out the other night or the other afternoon with some friends, and she has one glass of wine with her friends, one glass of red wine at this lunch that they went to, and then she's supposed to go to a concert later on that night. Well, she looks at me about an hour after she got home from the lunch, she goes, I'm fucking hungover. And I go, I know. See, that's what happens. First of all, never drink red wine in the afternoon. Drinking red wine, no, that's strictly for night before you go to bed. But second of all, that's what fucking happens. Now, every time I drink an alcoholic drink, glass of champagne, a beer, a couple of gin and tonics, whatever it is, I always get this mild, irritating hangover. And I could never be with my children in that state of mind, because I know that I would just lash out, right?

And so if I can't even drink a fucking beer with all these kids, there's no way that I could be doing cocaine. Zero, zero chances that that's ever going to happen again. And I was telling Rafa, I said, listen, I saw this video and I showed it to Chrissy and Tina about the people in eastern Europe, we'll call them travelers, who were having this big party and they were sniffing these older ladies, much older ladies, like seventy s, eighty s, maybe 90s, were doing huge rails. I mean, they were gatting that shit. They're doing huge rails. And then cut scene. And then next they're all dancing out on the party, on the dance floor, having a party. This is the way you fucking do it. You have nothing left to lose.

Never stop.

This is the time when you enjoy.

Oh, yeah.

No, I'm saying start up when you get older. Now, at. By the time my last kid leaves the house, I'll be 97. And that's. But I don't think that anyone's going to advise 97 year olds do cocaine, but who fucking cares at that point, right? I've lived a good life. What else do I got to go for? I mean, unless they find a way to make me look like this at 97, I'm going to be like, whatever, it's all good.

Yeah.

So I might get back to it later on in life.

Yeah, but a pin in it?

There's a moratorium on it right now, and for good reason. Brian is not Raphael. I cannot handle it. I'm not saying Rapha did cocaine. I'm just saying that Raphael continued to be a young adult, right? He continued know, go to parties and hang out, and he would bring the kids, and they would have don't. I don't see that happening for me. I don't get invited to parties anymore. I just don't. I just don't. Well, I never got invited to party parties in the first place, but I managed know glom on to somebody else, get to the party. I was always the plus one, never the invited, always the guy who just showed up at the front door. But I'd bring, like, a six pack of Budweiser or something. Yeah. But then I fully intend to drink myself because no one likes Budweiser. People would be like, oh, great, you brought some. What is that, bud light? Oh, yeah. All right, well, there's a cooler outside with no ICE in it if you want to throw that in there. There's some cobwebs. You know that old cooler everybody keeps in their backyard? Yeah, that one. Yeah, use that one.

The dirty one from, like, a camping trip three years ago.

Yeah. Probably still has a beer in it, floating. Yeah. And my friend goes, hey, listen, I don't have any room for that in the fridge or the coolers, and I don't want to use any of our good ICE for that shitty beer. But I'll tell you what, there's a hose out back. And I know it's August 22, but if you can manage to get some cool water out of there, feel free to cool down your beers, asshole. I want to talk about hangovers in just a second, actually, so let's take a short break, and then we'll be back to make your Wednesday afternoon Thursday afternoon even more miserable than it probably is, because there's probably half these people out there have been out drinking on Wednesday night, and now they're like, oh, good, the commercial break will give me a little laugh. And then I go and talk about the hangover the whole day, and they're like, fuck you. All right, we'll be back.

What? Oh, hi, it's Christina again, here to remind you to go to tCbpodcast.com for all things audio, video and TC video. Give us a follow on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTok at TCb podcast. And guess what? We have a new phone number. I know what you're thinking, but I promise this is the last TCB phone number you will ever have to remember. So call us and leave us a voicemail or text us at 212433 tCb. Once more for the people in the back. That's 212433 TCB. Oh, and check out our YouTube channel@YouTube.com. Thecommercial break. That's all for now. Let's listen to our sponsors and get back to the show.

All right, so more and more young adults are choosing not to drink.

Yes.

Right. It's a phenomenon that's happening. I see more and more instagram posts about this. I see more and more because they probably Instagram just heard that I was doing cocaine in the middle of the afternoon, so now they're just pointing those ads in my direction. But I see more and more Instagram posts about this. I see ads with people giving classes, coaching classes. Yeah, it's a trend. There's one guy that let me shout him out. I think his name is scott Frieda or Scott Fried or something like that. He's on Instagram, and he is a recovering alcoholic and the most serious kind of recovering alcoholic. He was like a well to do human being. He got married to the love of his life. They had a yacht. They had this whole nine yards. And then she died of cirrhosis of the liver. And he had very serious cirrhosis of the liver. And he backed himself out of it by sticking to this really strict diet. Now he shares with other people, and I actually followed him because I thought he was kind of funny. And now I see that he's giving all this advice, and I'm like, oh, that's great.

Anyway, so this is a big trend, and the alcohol industry has seen this trend also and is making them very nervous because there are many young people who are choosing not to drink alcohol because there are a lot of other alternatives right now. There's, marijuana is legal in a lot of states. There's other things that you can do. And I also saw Instagram reel from a 08:00 in the morning rave on the top of a New York skyscraper that was completely sober. It was called a pre work rave. And they were having fucking.

I think I read about that.

Did you read about this?

Yeah. And it does sound like fun.

Listen, everyone's dancing. Some people are dressed in costumes. The same thing you would see at a rave. It was just going on at 08:00 in the morning. The sun was coming, know, down top of a building overlooking New York. It looked really and so. And I can understand why. Because drinking is fun. It's so much fucking fun. Chrissy and I wouldn't be friends today if it wasn't for alcohol. It was the thing that started our bond and then has outlived our bond. Not outlived our bond, but we've outlived the alcohol. But the truth is, alcohol is just poison for your body. And I loved getting drunk. So I'm not here to throw stones in glass houses or preach. But I was reading this article and it really made me think. Scientists have figured out why you do the walk of shame, why you feel so fucking terrible after a long night of drinking. And I'm not talking about the physical side effects because that shit is miserable. Headache, thick mouth, eyes bulging, every joint aching, sick stomach. The whole night, everything hurts.

Aversion to sunlight, aversion to anything. Wind, loud noises.

I know it. I know you and the TCB audience have been there. You're so hungover that even laying in your bed hurts. It all hurts. It's like you cannot get comfortable. Maybe a hot shower does the trick, but that's a big maybe, right? But I'm not talking about those physical consequences of drinking. I'm talking about the emotional and mental consequences of drinking, where you wake up and you go, did I really stick my dick in somebody's bud light bottle last night and think it was funny? Did I really do that? You know what I'm saying? Or did I really make out with that dude? Did I really make out with that girl? But maybe you didn't even do something super embarrassing. You're just stressed about paranoid. You're anxious and paranoid about what the fuck happened last night. What kind of embarrassing shenanigans did I get into? Or does everybody hate me now?

Yeah.

There's a reason, a scientific reason, why you feel that way. When you start drinking, your body naturally produces something having to do with a gaba. Something, right? And it makes your inhibitions lower. Your anxieties go down, because that's what alcohol does to your body, because it does to your brain, right? So you're now firing off all these, let's call them gabaptoids, even though that's not the word. I just made it up, and I like making up things here on the commercial break. So these gabapeptoids are running all over your body when you start drinking. And then when you stop drinking, they suck in. Right? It's like they go the opposite direction. So your blood alcohol level is going up. Everything's going great. Your blood alcohol level is going down. After being so high, then your body just naturally just kind of doesn't have the jizzy jazz that it did before.

Right.

That causes anxiety. And that anxiety leads to this paranoia that you feel when you're hungover or after a long night of drinking. And if you drink more, this happens more frequently. And even one or two nights of just having a couple of beers or whatever can cause this kind of anxiety inducing reaction, a physical reaction from alcohol. And so it's just another reason for me not to drink because I am anxious enough as it is. Look at how I freaked out over the fact that I couldn't make my bed anymore. You think I'm the kind of guy who needs more anxiety? No, I don't. I have a treaty. I have 35 things in this book that I wish people would stop doing or start doing. And none of them are serious. I mean, none of them could even be close to be considered something that would ever happen, because people are like, are you kidding me? We got Ukraine and Israel and the Gaza Strip, and you're worried about people walking on the right side of the goddamn walkway? I'm telling you right now, Chrissy, I don't need another reason to. Not ever, until I turn 92.

Pick up a drink again. There you go. It's making me anxious just thinking about how much anxiety it's going to cost me.

You're making me want to have a drink. Oh, well, you're so worked up.

Chrissy's anxious. She needs a calming glass of wine. Get that in there. But for you, it's a little bit. Not a little bit. It's a lot different. And let me explain why. It's because you, life is all about perspective. I'm not saying your life is easier than mine or harder than mine, but there's no fear that in the middle of the night, absolutely. Somebody fell out of a crib and.

Asked to go to. No, it's a totally different.

Or that, you know, at 630 in the morning, you have to get up, little ones are going to come knocking on your head. Right. Or that you have to make breakfast or take them to school or all that other stuff, or that American Express is going to be calling you any moment out. Like, you don't have any of those same anxieties that I do. And so I feel like when I do drink, when I do imbibe, I really do get extra anxious in the morning. I'm like, oh, fuck, motherfucker.

Your body's not used to it, too.

When I go to those podcast conferences, I always wake up and I have a couple of drinks. I always wake up a mess. I'm like.

What did I do?

Yeah, I'm not a doctor. You're not a nurse. No one's going to die here. It's just fucking podcasting. Who gives a goddamn shit? I mean, honestly, at the end of the day, do you get hungover anymore?

Yeah, on a rare occasion, because I don't do the amount of drinking anymore. But, yeah, you're at a party, get a little carried away. Somebody's pulling out the tequila.

When's the last time you did the tequila shot? Well, yesterday.

No, but there's all these good tequilas now. So more and more people are, if they do drink, they are drinking tequila. And just know with this seltzer, what are you drinking?

That Maui wawi powie shit? What is that stuff that Sammy Hagar has? What is that thing he does out at Cabo? Cabo wabo? You drinking that Cabo wabo?

No, we were doing the George Clooney.

Oh, George Clooney's in on it now?

Oh, yeah. They sold their company for like a billion dollars. What is that?

I have no fucking clue what that is. Oh, it's my watch. My daughter likes me when I put on the Mickey Mouse watch face because it goes like this.

It's 252.

She'll tap that thing 70 times in a second. Wait, Clooney sold his liquor company for a billion dollars?

Yeah.

Fuck that guy. Come on this show, George. Come on this show. I want to talk to you about that. He's got that house in Italy, Lake Cuomo.

Yep.

Right? And now he's selling for a billion dollars. He just sold his liquor brand for a billion dollars. What can't that guy do?

He can do no wrong.

He can do no wrong. Great actor. He's always good in whatever he's in. He's a handsome, handsome man. So much more handsome than I am. Why him? Why not me? Can God give me a little bit of what he's got? You know what I'm saying? If there's a pile of good looking balls that they give you when you're heading down into this body, couldn't they just push a few extra, take a few away from him? He'd still be a very handsome man if he was, like, 20% less handsome. But it would make a world of difference to me. Or give me some of his talent, like acting or business, anything. Counting money. I'd love it. I just love it. So you're drinking that Cabo bimbang Matabi. Whatever he's got.

What is the name of his Casamigos?

Casamigos. Original name. Casamigos. House of our friends. Friends house amigos. Okay, so he's got that. Casamigos. So you guys are drinking a little Casamigos. How many shots do you take in?

I don't do shots anymore. No, it's just a bad idea all the way around.

Always been a bad idea.

Yeah, always.

It's just a way for the bars to sell you a $6 drink really quickly. Yeah, but it never works out well.

No, and you don't need to ingest that much alcohol at one time.

I don't even think. When you and I were drinking, we did shots.

All that.

I mean, we did do shots, but.

Well, what about the braves games and a certain manager that we had that would always.

Jaeger might. Jaeger bomb, but not yeager bomb. Just yeager. He would say it incorrectly, but yeah. Oh, God damn.

I can't even get around Jaeger at this point.

I can't smell that licorice smell anymore. But I had a friend, and remember when I told you about the guy with the pool? And they had jam land? Like, they made a whole little land for me across the pool from where everybody else socialized. They would put me over there in the corner, and they called it jam land. Right? That guy had a jaeger machine.

Oh, yeah. People had.

Outside near his pool, and he'd have the three bottles sticking there and it'd keep it ICE cold.

Yeah.

I can't think of how many hundreds of shots we must have taken from that Jaeger machine. Hundreds of shots. It'd be 99 fucking degrees. That pool would be sweltering also. And we'd be out there doing fucking Jaeger. It was like, at noon. We'd all collect at noon, and then by 04:00 everyone's rip roaring, just walking away, getting into their cars, heading down the highway. I mean, what a terrible, terrible thing to do. So you don't do shots. So what do you put the. Do you just sip it? You sip the tequila?

Yeah, sip it.

Yeah. Interesting. That's what I used to do back when I was in chopper Johnson. I'd put that bottle of gold, you know, that fine tequila. I'd put it in the freezer of that girl, let me stay at her house. And then in the middle of the night, I'd just go. And it was like syrup, because once it gets cold, it turns, like, syrupy. And so I do. You know, I could handle it back then.

Yeah.

My body had the ability to understand. Brian, you've not gone too far yet. Take it one step further. I had this, like, this is something was monitoring from inside. Little did I know. And, man, I'll tell you what, shot after shot after shot of tequila, I just sip it. I say sip it. I take a gulp or know a lot of it.

Yeah, we'll pour it in a glass and have, like, a big ICE.

Oh, yeah. Do Jeff do that at home every.

Once in a while?

What are you guys doing over there?

Oh, you're naked.

I know you're naked. You're cooking, you're wearing tutus around the house. Jeff's got his whole business over there. He's working, you're know, naked above.

I just think business, that's like, what you.

Yeah, true. You guys weren't, like, throwing old TVs out the window and shit, setting things on fire? No. You're not having sex with sharks or whatever. I just have this image of the. Jeff's, like, working on his computer at a desk, and you just come in topless and just lean over him to dust something and slightly just brush your boob over his face, and he's like, game on. Get the Clooney Cuervo. We're going crazy. Get the Clooney Cuervo. It's Wednesday night. Tell Brian you won't be until next Thursday. We're going to Starbucks all hopped up on glaracell and cocaine. Oh, I just want to be over there one full day, hiding under the floorboards just so I can see what's going on. When we have budgets, we're putting cameras. Okay, when we have the budget, we're going to put cameras in that house. Yeah, closed circuit TV. Remember you used to say that? Closed circuit TV, whatever that meant. Yeah, it probably had something to do with a closed circuit, but I didn't know.

Well, it was only available in that place or something. I don't know.

Yeah, well, it means it didn't go out to the outside world. Right now there's nothing that doesn't go.

Out to the outside world.

There's no thing. I don't trust any electronics. It's all going out to the outside world. We'll get into this another episode. Did you hear? The cars are now. The GMC cars are now tracking how people drive. And some people are not able to get insurance because they do too many hard stops or fast pushes on the pedal. And so they're getting denied insurance altogether because they have been deemed too dangerous to insure. God bless. When my 1992 Honda or whatever I'm driving right now with one headlight, when that thing goes, I'm going to have to get one of those cars that monitors. You're driving, too.

Yeah.

That's insane to me. That's insane. Your fucking car is talking to the insurance company. Yeah. When's it going to stop? Where does it stop?

I think it just goes.

It's got to be a point, right? It's got to be a point when we say enough is enough. I'm going back to a flip phone. I'm getting closed circuit cameras, and I'm hiding under the floorboards of Chrissy's house so I can check out that Clooney Cuervo days. All right, ccbpodcast.com. That's where you go. You find out more information about the show, all the video, all the audio. It's right there from one location, so you don't have to go anywhere else. You stay right on the website. Or you can get your free piggy fronting sticker there. Or I should say. And you can get your free piggy fronting sticker there. Piggy fronting, fronting, fronting. Go to the contact us button. Hit it, drop down menu says, hit it, drop down menu says, I want my free sticker. Give us your physical address and away. Yeah, do it. Prove it. Prove it. 121-2433 TCB. That's 121-2433 TCB. We would love to hear from you and have you right here with us while we're recording the show. Ask TCB. Ask for advice. Tell us a story. We'd love it. Dial us up, text us, let us know you're interested.

We'll get a hold of you and let you know how you can get on the show. Also at the commercial break on Instagram and YouTube.com, slash the commercial break. Okay, Chrissy, I guess that's all I can do for today.

I think so.

But I'll tell you that I love you.

I love you.

I'll say best to you. Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time. Chrissy and I always say, we do say, and we must say goodbye.

Up.

It. I take a dick and keep on licking close.