Three places I can tell you.

I'm not going in 2024. Above and beyond the extra mile or out of my way.

On this episode of the commercial break. My mom sold that to him from country petrol.

Yes. The whole house looks like it's done in country petrol.

That's right. Look at that, dad. He's so intense. You preached. You didn't tell him about any of our secrets, did you? Wow.

Best of you out there in the podcast universe.

Thanks for resticking that song in my head.

Hey, no problem. Anytime you want to be annoyed by me, I'm happy to oblige as all.

Of our listeners and I will showing up.

Yeah, well, it's the promise of getting paid, I think at some point in the future that keeps you coming back. I am reading this really like there's kind of a little tit for tat going on with two of the strangest bedfellows that you would ever imagine. Paulie Shore and Richard Simmons. Have you seen this?

No.

Paulie Shore.

The weasel. The weasel. Remember that?

He used to do that weasel thing on MTV.

I remember first being introduced to him from MTV.

Yes.

But he was know, the surfer party dude.

Whatever he was doing, I don't. Didn't, it wasn't my favorite thing back then. It certainly didn't age well as pterodome can. What was that? Didn't he do like pterodome or I'm in the army now or so? There's a couple of string of really terrible movies. But he's around. His mother is.

Yeah. She was the founder of the punchline or the comedy store.

Very famous lady who was like a power broker in comedy because she owned the LA comedy store. And anybody who's anybody got their start there. Did some stand up there. Still does stand up there. It's a very prominent room to play. And if you play one of those rooms, it's a sign that you're either up and coming or you've made it. Which is why we've never been invited, correct? Yeah. I don't think you're going to see the commercial break live at the comedy store anytime soon, though. I don't know. Maybe. You never know. So Paulie Shore has largely taken over where his mom left off. I understand he's kind of like pulling the strings back at the comedy store, doing something at the comedy store. But he's largely been out of the limelight for like 25 years. I mean, you don't hear much about Paulie Shore here and there. Some things will pop up. Maybe he's on a podcast or a podcast or whatever. But he certainly hasn't done any acting and no stand up that I'm aware of. And MTV doesn't exist anymore. And even if it did, I'm not sure the weasel would come back and.

Find, well, MTV does exist because I see it when I come into the.

Mean music television does not exist anymore. How's that? Catfish and Rob Deirdek do still have a channel called MTV that Nev, whatever his name is. Neve and Rob apparently own MTV, and that's what they show 24 hours a day. Either ridiculousness or catfish. And I'm into catfish. I like that. It never gets old for me. I don't know why. It's like, how do people. What in the world is going through your head that you date someone for five years, send them money, give them your Social Security number, send dick pics or chitchs or whatever.

You're in a full blown relationship.

You're in a full blown. I'm going to ready to get married.

To this for years.

And they have never once bothered to send you a picture. Never once. Or get on the phone with you or FaceTime.

But it's like somebody else, right? That's the catfish.

That's the catfish part. And Neve himself was catfish. I didn't need to tell the story. Everybody knows the story of catfish. There's a famous movie that came out, and at the time, everybody was shocked, like, holy shit, that happened. And now it happens all the time. They're like professional catfishers. That's all they do is create new pages, fake pages, and try and lure people in for whatever emotional, spiritual money, a lot of different reasons. But Neve and his band of Mary pranksters, they're always out there trying to find the next catfish. Atlanta seems to be a big home for a lot of these people, by the way, they're always flying to Atlanta.

Over to Atlanta, back to Atlanta. Here we are in Atlanta.

And I just want to state for the record, I am behind none of it.

Okay?

What you see is what you get. This face is what you get. But anyway, so I digress. Paulie Shore has now played in a very short. It's like 5 minutes long. He played Richard Simmons in a short movie. The movie is. And it's online. Maybe I'll put the link to it. It's on YouTube. You can watch it for free because who would pay for a five minute movie? I don't know, but okay, I digress.

There's subscriptions to everything.

There's subscriptions to everything the movie is. Okay. It's interesting enough. The premise is it's like a 90s talk show. Like kind of like Jenny Jones, Ellen, something like that. Actually, I think the woman is supposed to. She looks like and is made up to look like Ellen. So imagine on Ellen. And Richard Simmons is going to come and talk about his new workout video. And the production assistant who's in charge of making sure that that video is in his hand, the dvd is in his hand, so he can show the crowd has not done his job and how sad he is that he didn't do the job. No one recognizes him. All this other stuff. So that's the main plot of the story. But there is like 3 minutes of the movie. Two and a half. 3 minutes of the movie.

Out of five.

Out of five. Okay, where Pauly Shore. Correct. Where Polly short. So it's actually 50% of the movie where Pauly Shore. If I'm doing my math. Correct. Carrying the one where Polly Shore plays Richard Simmons.

Okay. In my opinion, like as a guest on the show.

No. Yes, as a guest on the Ellen show. Like in the movie. He's a guest on this television show.

You can call it a movie. It's confusing.

That's what they call it. I don't know. It's an independent short film. Yeah. Okay. It's a short film. If we're going to split hairs about what to call it.

Killers of the Flower Moon versus the five minute movie.

Yeah.

My attention span is perfect for the five minute movie.

I know it is.

So I haven't watched Killers of the Flower moon, and I want to, but. Because isn't it like 3 hours and 12 minutes old?

I know. I want to watch it too, but it was a time commitment.

Put in a catheter to watch Oppenheimer. I can't even imagine what's going to happen. Killers with a flower mood. Okay, so in this short film, he plays for a period of the film, he plays Richard Simmons. And to me, a not very convincing.

Just because of the curly hair.

Yeah, well, they even put a wig on mean. It's really not. It's really not extraordinarily convincing, but. Okay. I can kind of see some of the. Let me see if I can find you a picture. I can kind of see some of the resemblance, but for my money, he's not really playing a very great version of Richard Simmons. Richard Simmons?

Yeah.

I'm showing Chrissy a picture. And so maybe Astrid can pop up a picture there on the video. I can see the similarity in looks. I do not see the similarity in personality. I do not think Polly is doing a particularly great impression of Richard Simmons. Richard Simmons is a very dynamic, energetic, in your face. He's one of a kind. Well, he's still alive.

No.

Okay.

That's what he used to do on tv. He's been gone for a while. And that was that show.

Where in the world did Richard Simmons?

People were worried about him, but I guess he's.

They're still worried about him, but he's fine. And I'll tell you why I know he's fine, is because now there has been some conversation about a full blown biopic of Richard Simmons. Paulie shores plotting his comeback, his acting comeback, playing Richard Simmons in this biopic. And apparently they're far along the pre production road with this. And so people started talking in the Hollywood trade rags and stuff like this about Paulie Shore playing Richard Simmons. And Richard Simmons came out of the woodwork for the first time in a long time and said, I don't want this to happen. I didn't give my blessing for this. I'm not interested in it. I will not help with unauthorized. And he basically said, leave me alone. I just want to live the rest of my life in peace. And listen, there's a lot of people who have been arguing that Richard Simmons was such a big part of our lives for so long. He was everywhere, every talk show. I don't think podcasts were around back then, but every.

Well, he was sold all the. The. For his tapes.

For his tapes. For his workout tapes. And I think, by all accounts, Richard Simmons did a lot of good for a lot of people.

Yeah. And sweating to the oldies.

Sweating to the oldies. And people. He just knew how to talk to people. Right. And he had this kind of affectionate, empathetic, weird, positive, but positive vibe about him. And I always thought Richard Simmons was an. I always liked him. I was like, oh, yeah, he seems like a good guy, right? He just seems like a good.

Yeah. I don't think there was anybody that was like, that guy's a dick.

I'm sure there's someone out there that says Richard Simmons a dick, but I think that guy's a dick general. I think there's a double dicking going on there. No pun intended. There's a double dicking going on with Richard Simmons. If you say he's a dick, you're a dick. You know what I'm saying? It's hard to dislike Richard Simmons. Anyway.

Paulie Shore, he was very bonhomi by the way.

He was very bonhomi, homie. Hey, homie, that's bonhomi. He's a nice guy. And so now he said, please don't do this. I'm not interested in it. And I just want to live my life out in peace. And so now this might be getting derailed because people are like, well, are people really going to go see the movie that Richard Simmons has told them not to? Because most of the people this might appeal to are Richard Simmons fans. And if Richard Simmons fans say, we don't want to see it, or if Richard Simmons himself says, we don't want to see it, are the fans going to go along with Richard and not see the film?

They're going to watch it.

They're going to watch it.

Of course they are.

But they're not going to watch until it comes out on their favorite.

Exactly.

They're not going to pay to go into the movie theater, but they will watch it because they have already paid for it with some kind of streaming subscription. I just think these guys makes, it's such a weird story to me that Polly Shore this kind of, okay, I don't even think it's Polly Shore either. Did I tell you the story about Polly Shore when I was a teenager?

I think you did, but it was a long time ago when I was a teenager.

Not even teenager. Like twelve. Yeah. Okay. Twelve or 13 years old when I was just a teenager. Freshman teenager. Yeah. Preteen, little pre pube. A little pre pube boy. When I was a pre pub boy, I had this friend, his mother controlled the, she was the manager of a small theater here in Atlanta that used to be called center Stage theater.

Yes.

And so we always thought that was the coolest job in the world. You get to work with bands and comedians. And they did a lot of stage plays back then and stuff like that. But we always thought his mom had the coolest job. Well, it turns out Paulie Shore was just coming into his own at the MTV era. Yeah. Now called Rob Deer at XMTV. He was just coming into his own doing the weasel thing, being a popular VJ on MTV. And Paulie Shore is going to come to Atlanta. He's going to come to center stage. And his mother, my friend's mother, said, okay, here's the deal. You boys can come to work with me that night. I will get you into the show. You will behave yourselves. You will not make a fool of me, but you will be able to go do what you want to do. And we had the run of the place really cool. Very cool. And she was so sweet with us, and she did the box office thing or the management thing or whatever she was doing. And my friend and I, we just kind of ran around center stage for a couple of hours beforehand, and then an hour or two after, we had both just started smoking cigarettes, right?

We are just like immature little kids that are sneaking off smoking cigarettes at the time. And so I'll never forget, and I don't even think the guy smokes, but for some reason we ended up meeting Polly Shore back in the backstage area. And Polly Shore asked my friend for a cigarette, if he had a cigarette, and Pauly Shore gave him a cigarette. I can't remember if he asked me or asked my friend. The story is a little diluted in my head, but he asked for a cigarette, someone gave him a cigarette, and then he took that cigarette on stage, but I don't know if he ever lit it like he was, he lit the cigarete kind of a prop kind of thing, right? But he had that cigarette in his hand and we all thought that was just so cool.

He said, our cigarette.

We bought illegally.

Yeah, here's our cigarettes.

At any gas station in Atlanta would.

Sell anybody at the time. I mean, you didn't have to have id. I have to have an id to.

Drop off my fucking recycling. But I was 13 and I looked like I was eleven. And except for all the hair on my legs, I looked like I was eleven. And I could walk into any gas station in Atlanta and buy a pack of cigarettes, no questions asked. None. And you had to be 18 to buy cigarettes. But new, not in Atlanta. You just bought cigarettes when you wanted to buy cigarettes.

It basically was that way. And remember the cigarette machines? I saw those movie or show the other day, waffle House, and I was like, whoa, I remember those machines.

I remember them too, because that's where we get a lot of our cigarettes would be from the Waffle house cigarette machine. You think the guy at Waffle House wanted drama? No, he was like, fuck, that's another $4 in my pocket. Like, I don't give a shit. Go ahead, knock yourself out. And at the time I started to smoke a cigarette. It's like $2 a pack. It was nothing. Nothing to buy a cigarette. I'm dating myself now, but anyway, as if I haven't. The entire podcast, the entire podcast is like a graveyard of old stories. But Polly had that cigarette, took that cigarette. I thought it was cool. I remember him being very nice. I remember him taking the time to talk to us, even though we were just a bunch of kids. I remember I think I told him I loved the weasel, and he did the weasel or whatever. And then he went on stage to a very empty audience, to a very empty theater, and did an hour of whatever he did. And I remember that. I don't remember one joke, not one laugh, not one thing that Paulie said. I'm not saying he wasn't funny.

I'm saying that particular night, I don't remember anything funny about it, except for the fact that there was a cigarette that was taken from somebody at some.

Stars were in your eyes.

That's all I could think of. I was just so crazed that I had just met my favorite VJ DJ, whatever they call him, on MTV. So now I'm finding it extra strange. I guess maybe my perspective is coloring my opinion about this, but I'm finding it very strange that Paulie wants to play Richard Simmons as, like, his acting comeback. Do we not think if Paulie Shore had some acting chops somewhere down, deep down, that he would have already shown us those acting chops in some way, shape, or form?

Maybe he's wanting to get serious now.

He's like that. You know, he was Peewee Herman, then he whacked off in a theater, poor bastard. Like every other guy in theater was doing, except it was Paul Rubin. So they arrested him. And then he makes that turn and blow, which is such a fucking fantastic movie. He's so good in that movie. And then you're like, oh, Paul Rubins has some acting chops. Like, let's get that guy in more movies, right? I want him. I want to see him do more stuff. But no, he just did blow. That was it. But I think if Polly had this in him, he may have done it before. And I'm not sure why Richard Simmons biopic is the right answer to his acting. Just, it's so strange to me.

Yeah.

And so I, for one, will not pay at the movie theater to see the Richard Simmons biopic by Polly Shore. But I will watch it when it comes out on streaming, and I will tell you what it's all about if it ever makes it.

I concur.

Now, I'm kind of rooting for it to happen just so we can watch. What a shit show indeed, Polly Shore will be as Richard Simmons because they're saying it's supposed to be like a very moody take on Richard Simmons life. Like, not a comedy, not like a hairball Zany comedy, which you could see working for Richard Simmons life also. But like, this moody, affected script that they're trying to put together.

I wonder if it would kind of be based on the podcast type thing that was done. I don't know. They're turning a lot of. I notice now that on Netflix, there's a lot of shows that I listen to on a podcast, and now they're a show.

Yeah.

Ours is ours production.

It's next in line. I would just have a big meeting about it the other day. They were like, do you think you could put ten seats in a theater? And I was like, I think if you invite my kids, we can put 20 seats in a theater. Jeff, Rachel, Allison, I'm pretty sure we can fill ten seats. Yeah, 18 and over or all ages. Because if it's all ages, I got it covered. I got, like, 30 seats covered.

But if you want to do 18.

And over, five, seven. You have a small bar we could play. You have a tiki hut. You have a tiki hut. We could play in someone's backyard, because.

I think that'd be the best thing.

For the commercial break.

You should have a really large booth. I know the back of an outback.

I think we do a conference. You remember when I went to the podcast conference and the Wood flooring conference was right next door? I say we play the wood flooring conference. I think that's our vibe. I think that's our vibe. I think that's our audience.

Now live at the wood flooring show Expo of America. It's the commercial break. Hey, I don't want to be stupid, but who's going to get laid? Who's laying some wood tonight? You know what I'm saying? Yeah, that's right, sir.

This is the funeral conference.

Oh, well, whatever. Roll with it. Am I killing tonight or what? That's good. I'm going to have you rolling in your grave. Oh, you already are. It's Hambone and holy in the morning.

Hambone and holy.

I forgot about Hambone.

I still want to do hambone and holy.

I swear to God, we do a live show. Hambone and holy is going to be a skit. Yes, we're doing a skit called hambone and holy in the morning.

Hambone.

Hambone and.

I got you, boss.

I got you, boss. No problem, boss. Hambone and holy in the morning.

Drive time with Hambone and holy.

Let's check the weather and the traffic at the top of the hour, the bottom of the hour and quarter till.

Next up, bare naked ladies.

Next up, we got bare naked ladies in studio. Oh, the fire alarm is going off. It's hot in here. It's bare naked ladies. You may remember them from such hits as that one hit chicken, chicken tittle.

Stop not licking.

I dig a digging and I keep. Stop licking.

Oh, Hambone.

Good old Hambone.

I don't know, I think that hambone is a little bit of a loose cannon. Got to keep a tight lid on hambone. The audience loves them here in the greater bacon area.

We're big in the Everglades.

In the greater tucumcari, New Mexico area.

Hambone is killing it. We got to keep.

He's a loose kidding. He's walking a fine line. He's like Matt rife. We got to keep him in line. He's hot, he's sexy, he talks a lot of shit, that hambone. We're going to start you off at Tukum, Carrie. And then we're going to roll out to all the cities under 7000 people in America. You're going to be famous with the corn growers. All right, let's take a break and we'll be back. I got a good one for you there.

You're going to want to stick around for this.

Okay?

We'll be back.

Sorry to interrupt, but that's kind of my thing these days. If you're sick of me interrupting, Brian, give us a call at six two six. Ask TCB three. Leave us a voicemail and maybe I'll interrupt you on the show instead. You'd love that, wouldn't you? You can also text us at eight five five, TCB 8383. And check out our website, tcbpodcast.com for all things TCB. You know what's coming next. Follow us on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTok at TCb podcast. And now let's listen to some sponsors because they're the real ones around here.

This episode is sponsored in part by Magic Spoon. Okay, if you've listened to any amount of the commercial break, then you know one of my disgusting food habits is to eat sugary cereals with cream late at night. Well, the earth just turned one year older and I've decided to do away with the empty calories and added sugars. The good news for my bad cereal habit, I have magic spoon. Magic spoon recreates all the flavors that we loved as children without all the baggage that goes in our bellies. It has all the flavors you love, but it's high in protein and it has less sugar, acid. And I just bought a variety pack that has four flavors. Cocoa, fruity, frosted and peanut butter. This pack has 0 gram of sugar, 13 to 14 grams of protein and four to 5 grams of net carbs. It's only 140 calories per serving. It's high protein, has 0 gram of sugar, keto friendly, gluten free, grain free and soy free. And I get the taste of my favorite cereal without all the guilt. Magic Spoon is returning to the commercial break as a sponsor, and we're so happy that they're offering you a discount.

Go to magicspoon.com tcb to grab a variety pack and try it today. And be sure to use our promo code TCB at checkout to save $5 off your order. And Magicspoon is so confident in their product, it's backed with a 100% happiness guarantee. So if you don't like it for any reason, they'll refund your money. Absolutely no questions asked. Remember to start the near off right with a delicious bowl of high protein cereal@magicspoon.com. Tcb. And be sure to use the promo code TCB to save $5 off. That's magicspoon.com tcb. And use the code TCb to save $5 off. Thank you, Magicspoon, for being a sponsor of the commercial break and giving me something to look forward to late night after I get out of the studio.

You all right?

I want you to tell me if you remember a television show back in the mid to late 90s called Family first. It was a sitcom, mom, and I wonder if you remember them. Does a name sound familiar to you?

No. Family matters. I remember that.

Of course, everyone remembers Urkel.

Yeah, but I don't know that I remember family first.

Urkel and the guy from diehard. That's what I remember. The dad was the guy from diehard and Urkel and those two, that's just a winning combination from the beginning. Who didn't like a little Urkel coming in?

Excuse me.

It was me.

I do like your daughter.

But I.

Can'T say the commercial break is all that much better. I did like family matters, actually. I was just young enough to get into it. No, we're not talking about the famous show family matters, which everybody who grew up at that time watched. I'm talking about family first. Now, I don't know where this television show ran, but when I look at this on YouTube, there are so many people that comment, oh, I couldn't remember the name, but I used to watch the show on Saturday mornings, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, yada. And I just, I'm like, I don't even remember ever seeing this.

Well, you weren't usually awake on Saturday mornings, though.

No, certainly not as I. No, probably not. No, I was a late sleeper from the beginning. Yeah. Even at, like, eight years old. My dad said I could sail past 930. Right. Everybody was up doing stuff, and I was still into bed. I think it's just my nature to get lots of sleep. I'm a very sleepy person off air. I spend all my energy here, and then I go take a nap for twelve to 13 hours. I wake up again. I do it.

Exactly.

Who cares about the kids? I need my rest. Babe. I'm a man of a certain age. If you want me to perform like the clowning monkey I am, then I got to get my bed rest. You think I look this good with no sleep? No, of course, family first was a sitcom. That is a christian sitcom. Well, yes. That's probably why I didn't get into it, even at an early age.

I was like, is there some organization now, too, called family first?

I think there is, and I think maybe it has something to do with it. I'm not sure. I didn't do that much digging because I don't ever, God forbid, I get something right on this show. But I did find family first. There are, like, I think, like seven to ten episodes of this. I swear to God, this could be content that we could chew on for the rest of our existence as the commercial break if we just kind of dole it out in measure, because these episodes are so terribly bad, so terribly awful. So just crazy. The plotlines are so crazy that I have a hard time understanding how anybody at any network or production house ever gave this the green light. And how anybody actually managed to see this outside of a church organization is beyond me. But it does exist. It is out there. The episodes are out there. They're kind of diced up into bits and pieces because I guess that's how you have to do it when you do it on YouTube. I guess you have to do less than 15 minutes of someone else's material. I don't know. I don't know what the rules are because I don't pay attention to the rules.

And that's why we're just on there.

Why half of our episodes are shadow banned, because every Teresa Caputo, every mountain monsters, every ghost hunters, everything, it all gets knocked down five pegs. But anyway, we will continue. We will fight the man.

Whatever, man.

Fight the good fight.

Yeah, whatever, man.

Okay, dude. Fight the good fight. Against YouTube, against Google Alphabet. That's right. Against Alphabet, ABC, or whatever they're called these days. The whole European Union just took them on and lost. But the commercial break. We're going to win our fight, don't you worry. You could probably google our podcast after this episode, and it won't be anywhere to be found. That's another story for a different day. All right, so you want to take a look at an episode of Family first?

Of course I do.

Okay. It's hard to get through some of this bad comedy, but hopefully Chrissy and I will relieve the bad comedy with some good comedy. I'm hoping, but here we go. I was trolling on the Internet, as you do, as I do like to do, and I stumbled upon family first, the christian sitcom that apparently played sometime in the mid to late 90s. But here it is, equipped with a bad 90s opening montage and everything. This is the real deal. All right, here we go.

Okay.

Oh, yeah. You know the bad song gives it away. 90s payphone. Yeah, you just answered a payphone. So this is like the opening montage that every 90s sitcom had. It was like this three minute long opening montage that told you what show you were watching. Nowadays, they just go right into it. You don't even know what show you're watching unless you look at the guide.

So just to preface it, too, there was a man running, running around in a suit with a briefcase up and down the street for some weird.

He was late to a meeting, Chrissy.

He was late to. But he stopped to pick up the payphone.

He did. He had to let people know he was going to be late.

And then there were two women at a mall. Shopping, shopping, running around. They both found something and hugged.

Butted heads.

I was going to say that, but hugged?

Yeah.

And then there's some kids, the crazy kids that are coming out of the school. Like the bell just rung.

Yeah.

They're jumping and running.

They're cool kids.

Out.

Scoos out forever. I got to go to the chapel.

Yeah.

There's a typical comedy sitcom, your nuclear family. All white. Of course.

Yeah.

Okay, let's go. Featuring John Witty, who went on to do many other things.

What other things did he do, Chrissy?

I can't remember.

I don't know.

All right. Vicio Witty.

Vicio Witty.

So they must be wife.

They must be actual wife and husband in real life. Interesting.

There's Polly shore.

It's Blaine Bartel. I actually think Blaine Bartel did like some raunchy sex comedies. If I'm not. Maybe, maybe, maybe not. I like how he's got the pride flag behind.

He does. Yeah. And a good jean jacket.

It.

Yeah, because in the. Wasn't a pride flag.

No.

Rainbow flag. Kathy Bartel. Are these all family members? I didn't even notice this when I watched this.

So it's real, maybe real husband and wife and real sister and brother.

Yeah.

I'm assuming maybe that's it. Here's another thing. A lot of people claim that they saw this back in the 90s, but when I first watched it, I thought it was a parody.

I thought that this joke looked like a joke.

It does, but like a Saturday Night live joke.

Oh. The only one that's not related is Chris thesis. He looked like he was playing a ranger of some sort of park ranger.

It says Chris thesis as Charles Stanley. As if anybody gave a shit who he played. Oh. Sponsored by American Airlines. There you go. Yeah. Why did they just put a plane in there? Why was a plane at the end of that?

Wait, he's coming in with.

He's coming in with the luggage. Okay, I probably.

Well, the dad just got home from a business trip. Yeah, he was out at the wood convention.

Convention. Hold on.

Can I just share with you just for a minute, that the family first television show. Oh, it's actually got quite a number of episodes. It's got, like, 37. No, that's a different show altogether. Oh, here it is. No, I'll find no whammies.

No whammies.

Yeah, no whammies. There is, like, no information on this show out there. Very interesting.

Doug's home.

Hey, mom.

Good to see you. Hey, Connie. How's your trip to China?

Doug, you wouldn't believe the things that happened.

You wouldn't believe what happened on our trip. It was awesome. Wow. American food.

Thank you.

Wow. I'm going to be totally racist and.

Say, american food, how's your trip to China?

They go on missions.

That's when they're coming back from Chrissy.

Well, go ahead and eat mine. Well, tell us about your trip, Doug.

Well, the first day, son, don't eat.

With your mouth full. How many people got saved? He said there were at least 50 people saved the first day.

My God, he's killing it.

This is such great acting, by the way, though, this is referred to as family first. The actual name of the show was aka fire by night. Fire by night.

Fire by night.

Fire. A little bit of a weird. It was produced in Oklahoma through 1986 through 1993. Geez, there's a lot of episodes of this, Chrissy.

Is there?

Yes. We are now called fire by night. Yes.

Not as many episodes as us?

What's that?

Not as many episodes as us.

I can't think of a television show that's even close to having as many episodes of us. Except for maybe the Tonight show. Maybe.

You saw Bird.

No.

Big Bird?

No.

You saw Big Bird in Costa Rica?

No.

Well, no.

She was in China. The sister was in China. He went to Costa Rica. They went on mission trips. Now he's back home eating fried chicken, and mom's just way too excited about all.

Very excited.

You saw big bird tree drama.

Oh, well, let me see you do your chicken, honey.

Doug doesn't want to do his chicken for us now. He wants to eat his chicken.

Come on, I want to see your chicken, Doug.

Show me your chicken now. Honey, you better shut your pie hole before I come over there and smack that words right out of your mouth. I said, my son is eating chicken. He just got back from Costa Rica.

What is the chicken?

It's fried chicken.

Now. I know. Is there a chicken dance?

Oh, yeah.

He did chicken dance in Costa Rica.

For the natives, because I know what I'm talking about.

Yes, they do. You ever been to Rica? Yes. Yes, you have.

We have been.

You did the chicken dance, too?

I might have done.

To five police officers down the street.

Don't do that to your sister. You want me to give you a bare bottom spanking? No.

By the way, the sun in this. Yeah. Wow. Listen, things were different.

Not just a spanking. Bare bottom.

Bare bottom spanking. Wow. I hope this takes a turn the way I hope it takes. I hope everything gets weird real quick.

But I just got the brother and sister about to have sex, and this is on Pornhub.

Actually, I'm pretty sure that the brother and sister. Yes. They did a follow up to fire by night.

Fire by night, calling fire by whole new me.

That's right. Called fire by nut. You got to find work somewhere. Hollywood is a weird place, you know what I'm saying? And I just got to point out that the children in this television show. Look 62. They don't look like children at all.

We've talked about that before, too, with the love connection.

Look at that guy.

23, divorced, and then they look like they're 56.

Yes.

Get out there and do your chicken for your mother. Okay.

Do it everywhere.

All these people are.

You're getting a bare bottom.

Do you want a prostate exam? Do you want a bare bottom prostate.

Exam from your father with his special.

Fire by not stick? I didn't think so.

I come out, I go.

Is that mother smoking crack?

Why is she so excited about everything? You did the chicken. You know, when I came home from.

A trip in my house, I don't.

Even think anybody noticed I was there.

For, like, three days.

Or that you were gone.

Yeah.

Is Brian home?

Because his room's starting to smell like incense. And patchouli. Brian's back patchouli smell. I'm assuming he's okay and people got saved?

Oh, yeah. After we do the chicken, then we'd preach.

You preached? Yeah.

I mean, I preached after I did the chicken, dad.

I went down and I preached.

Wait, you preached? You didn't tell them about anything.

That'S really bad.

It's two horses.

It's like carousel horse.

My mom sold that to him from country peddler.

Yes. The whole house looks like it's done in country.

That's right. Look at that, daddy. So intense. You preached. You didn't tell him about any of our secrets, did you?

Things we do at night.

That's right. You're going to get a bare bottom spanking to remember.

We all preached. Listen, dad, can you give me a.

Little bit of space?

I was about to say the dad's very close.

Yeah, well, that's how it went back in the would kiss you on the lips, little tongue. No one was bothered by it. Nirvana was out. They were just trying to keep their kids close.

I got to tell you guys something. Listen to me, dad, mom, Connie, you were looking at a young man who has been called full time into the mission field. That's right.

Told you he was going to come back and give me some idiotic mission field bullshit. Well, there goes the family dry cleaning business. What are we going to do now?

But mom's going to be excited, I guarantee.

I answered. He said, go. I said, where? He said, there's a world. I said, whoa, the world.

So you definitely feel called to the mission field.

You're definitely my mother, aren't you? Did I get any?

Are you?

Hell, no. Actually hasn't come out yet.

That's right.

In real life, you are my mother.

Because this is a weird family show where we're all producing each other. And by the way, when the lady says a line like this, let me just run back to the line. I want to show you what great acting this is. Watch how the director directs her to put the right emphasis on the right word.

Definitely my mother. Aren't you?

Oh, wait, hold on. I want to just critique this acting here for a second because I think it's so good.

Mission field.

Sorry.

You definitely feel called to the mission field dean.

Notice how she put the emphasis on the word called for no reason in particular.

You definitely want to feel called to the mission field.

You're definitely my mother, aren't you? Did I get any?

Did my playboy come?

You've got mail. Did my penthouse show up? I gotta go rub a couple out. It's hard to do in that chicken suit.

Yeah, it's hard to do in that chicken suit.

Down to Costa Rica.

One letter, I was gone a month.

The restroom line.

Okay, well, I'll go read all my mail.

Going to go rub one out. He hasn't been home 5 minutes.

He's eating a bucket of chicken.

He shoved chicken down his face. Did a chicken dance. He did a chicken dance for his. Almost got a bare bod and spanking.

Came close. I wish that had happened. And now he's going upstairs to.

With this one, right?

Doug, do your chicken for me.

No.

Okay, I'll do that to.

The raiders.

Really went the extra mile on this one.

They're like, we'll do the chicken dance right up front. But then we'll close with the chicken dance, too. They'll be rolling. Yes, we're going to beat that. Cheers. There goes our chicken.

I mean, our boy called of the mission field.

He is going to be a chicken.

Chrissy, the writing on this is just atrocious. And I can only imagine that it's the actresses and actors who wrote this. Like this couple, right?

Chickenry.

Yeah, the chickenry. That's mission and chickenry put together. Missionary and chicken put together. In case you're a chicken aviary. Who wrote me?

Mayan od agricultural and fine arts community college dear Mr. Collins, we are extremely interested in you playing basketball at our institution. Our recruiter has followed your progress on the court and we feel that you have the potential to meet our needs.

Sounds like.

That'S a college letter.

Yeah, he's in high school. He's a senior in high school. Potential study. That was the word that tripped him up. That one gets me sometimes too.

Point guard. A full scholarship is what we are looking for. Our graduates can be found around the world. Please contact me at my office.

I look forward to meeting our graduates.

Can be found around the world.

Yeah. Wow. Congratulations on that.

Well, random thing.

I was going to go to Harvard, but minute community college and gardening center you got me with.

My graduates are all around the world.

Emerson Royd coach, fine art, agriculture and community college. This is great.

A scholarship.

I see where this is going.

Oh, yeah, you see where this is going? It's between the Lord and that liberal arts college where they're going to teach you all about.

Cabbage patch dolls and.

People and bare bottom things that we don't talk about here but we might do on occasion.

Dad, I'm home from my missions.

Trip.

A whole new family now. Keep up with it, Chris.

I like that globe.

It's complicated. Yeah. Everybody had one of those globes, by the way. The kind of globe that huge and sits in a four legged contraption in the middle, and the kids would spin it endlessly, and the parents would tell you not to spin it. And then I would say, what is a globe for if you can't spin it? And then they would get upset because you touched the nice globe. As opposed to the bad globe. Not sure. It's a conspiracy by the Globe makers.

Dad? Dad. You're not hiding behind the couch, are you, dad? No. Maybe I'll try the answering machine.

Well, that guy looks like he's from that. What's that band? That country band, life is a highway?

I want to ride it all night long remember that band?

Yeah, that country band. Yeah, I remember the song.

Okay, I can't remember the name of the band, but not drive by Roxy or somebody. Roxy? No. They did the remake of Roxette.

No.

Roxette.

Dad. Dad, where are you? It's your son. I've got a brother. Look, I thought you were going to pick me up at the airport. I need to ride home.

He didn't recognize his own voice.

He didn't recognize his own voice. Hard to tell with those old tape recorders. I'm telling you what, Chrissy, I can't think of how many times I came in, left myself a message, and then was like, I got a brother.

A twin. Oh, I actually do. Okay?

And I also can't think of how many times my dad was hiding behind the couch when I came home.

You know, that's the way.

Take a cab. I still got your visa. Okay. Bye. I sound so different on the phone.

Clarence, are you there?

Dad?

Over here. I'm on the machine.

Don't break it, dad.

Don't be smart.

Okay, I won't.

I'll be home in an hour.

Damn, this weird trippy thing going on here. Where he's talking to the machine and getting the right answers. Yes.

How much I want to tell you. Save it till I get home, son. Okay, bye bye.

Claude Eugene Stanley, this is your almost ex wife, Eunice. Stanley, you remember me?

You need to have your lawyer call my lawyer about the court date and your intentions concerning alimony. Mommy, don't leave me. I'm 47. I'm 47. I just touched the good globe and daddy's going to spank my bare bottom again. This is Eunice Taylor. Do you remember me? No.

Almost ex wife.

I have a hard time keeping up with mom. I almost ex wife's. Ex wife's.

Oh, by the way, the phone number.

At my brand new apartment is. Mom's got a brand new apartment.

That's right. Mom's got a brand new apartment she wants.

Just got the shock of his life.

This show is so terribly constructed, you could literally pick any other television show in the world and get more laughs out of what's going on here. But we will continue. Just give us a break. We got to take a break from this for a second and then we'll be back.

Finally. I feel like I was waiting forever for my turn to talk. Now that I have you, go to tcbpodcast.com to find all of our audio and video content and follow us on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTok at TCBpodcast. Want it to be your turn to talk? Call us and spill the tea at six two six. Ask TCB three and you may hear your voice on the show. You can also text us your tea at eight five five. TCB 8383. And boy, do we love to hear it. Anyway, take a listen to our sponsors and let's get back to the show.

All right, we're watching the quote unquote christian variety show named fire by night. For some reason, it's called family first on YouTube.

The screen. Yeah, it just pulled up.

I know. Isn't that what it said on the intro? Right. I don't know why they're calling it fire by night.

Fly by night.

Fly by night. Exactly. There's like, fire by night subscription base had gone from 300 members when it started to more than 4500 members to watch this show. You got to be kidding me.

This was the original subscription stream.

I guess there are a number of episodes. A number? There are specific. Holy shit, Chrissy, there are 94 episodes of this show. Oh, my God.

They tackled a new thing each week, I guess.

Yeah, I think this is one of the first ones. Yeah, they tackle a new mission driven. They tackle more hypocrisy every single week. All right, so we're watching this family first, fire by night, whatever you want to call it, we're watching it. It is one of the most poorly constructed sitcoms of all times. And this actually played on networks? Not sure which network it played on probably some christian network, but here you go.

About the missions trip.

He's calling his mom.

Hello? Who is this? Hello? Is this the bastard son of my new lover? Hello?

Because that's the way you answer the road.

Hello? Who is it? The 90s were a tough time.

You never knew when one of those.

Long haired hippies might be calling you or one of them their grunges. Are you a grunge?

He does have a flannel on.

Who is it? Tell me your name. I'm reporting you to the authorities.

I love that he's wearing the flannel shirt with a sweater vest.

It looks like a Greeter at Sam's club. He's a greeter at Sam's club.

Anybody there? Hello? Please answer. Please answer. Please answer. I'm in terrible trouble.

Thank God you called.

Eunice Janice Taylor, future, possibly ex wife of Claude's father. It's got me tied up. Two broken legs. Oh, wait, that's misery. I'm sorry.

Check this out.

Check it out.

What?

Oh, we're back to the first family. Know. This is going in the chickens. There's a timeline here we're trying to keep up with.

What is it?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe a basketball scholarship for Douglas Collins.

I don't think there was a scholarship involved. He said just we might be interested.

Well, what it said was, we're looking for a full scholarship. And so when I initially heard this, when I listened to this, when I watched this, at first, I was like, are colleges usually looking for a scholarship, or are they looking to give you a scholarship? Because it sounds like we're looking for.

The money for scholarship.

We just need the money up front. Then we're going to give you a full scholarship.

We calculated about $112,000 to complete your courses here, and so you don't have to go to your courses, but we.

Need the money up front.

And then in return, we'll give you a full scholarship.

To where? Minot agricultural and fine arts community college. Yeah, that doesn't sound like a christian.

College, but it doesn't sound like they teach the Lord or bare bottom spankings there.

What are you going to do if.

You don't have your bare bottom spankings? You know how you like your bare bottom spankings with your moo moo milkies at night?

They've got graduates around the world.

They got graduates around the world. I don't care. Do they have bare bottom spankings? Because I know I'll miss them. Mine up. Why not? Mine up?

Yeah. Why not?

Oh, they're open minded. Okay, there you go.

Mine on.

I mean, that's probably.

I love how the son just dropped a football, but he's got right out.

Of his dad's head. Yeah, it's a basketball, but it was deflated because it just laid on the ground. The props department, they were just getting going. They had low budget. Can you find me a deflated basketball?

They needed a scholarship.

Yeah, they need a scholarship for this show, Logan.

I mean, what an opportunity. How many teenagers every year get a chance like this?

Well, I don't know how to.

Well, tens of thousands, actually. Many children get the same opportunity.

Doug, or whatever your name is.

Just line up, Doug, with your call to the mission know, and your chicken dance.

Yeah, what about your chickenry?

It's going to go on.

What about all that time you just spent in Costa Rica saving all those.

Chickens from certain destruction streets?

Yeah, son, your mother's got a good point there. Just 10 minutes ago, you had her in tears over your glorious call to the ministry. What about that, Donna?

Well, I went upstairs, I whacked off and decided I want some pussy and bear. I've had enough. I just went to Costa Rica to save people. Give me a break. Let me go in my room.

Springer, God's timing. It's like you dribble before you shoot. I mean, maybe what God's saying is, first go to Minot agricultural and fine arts community.

Agricultural and fine arts. Why do I get the picture of a field full of cowboys in ballet tights dancing around?

Yeah. Bring the gays into it. You got to bring the gay cowboys into it. Now, honey, honey, do you need a bare bottom spanking?

Cowboys and ballet tights.

What in the fuck is this lady talking?

Hey.

What?

Don't worry.

I'm not worried. I'm not worried, Doug, that you would go to school with guys with belt buckles the size of hubcap.

Honey, put a lid on your word.

Oh, look at dad laying down the line.

Put a lid on your word.

They didn't even have to act that one out. They do that at home at night because they're both from the same family.

Put a lid on your word, bitch.

I'm not. I just don't want him to get distracted. John, from what almighty God has called him to do.

What? A candy.

Yeah, she's really in a tizzy now. Mom's going to spend the whole night drinking and taking her happy pills. They call it family first on the actual video. I wonder why that's called fire by night on Wikipedia. Unless there's a totally different television show.

I think it might be.

I don't know, the name of this particular episode is in that list, but whatever, okay? Who cares?

Honestly, who gives a fuck?

Is anybody going to go watch fire by night? Or family first after listening to the commercial break? No. Who cares?

You wouldn't believe what my mom's done.

Okay, so now we've got the two teenage boys. The one with the. Who had the globe, who had no family at all. Claude. And we've got the original chicken guy.

Here in a teenage pump and iron.

In a typical teenage bedroom with no pictures of women on the walls whatsoever. And the bed made.

Would you just.

Difficult.

Please put the weight down so we can seriously talk.

You need to seriously take a look.

At this letter, right?

Seriously take a look at his form. That's bad form. The way he's living this lifting weights.

And he's, like, throwing them over his shoulder. He's straining a lot. I feel like he's going to get a hernia. I have hernia just watching this show.

Scholarship offer from minot agricultural and fine arts community college.

Didn't their ball team play? Our high school girls team and our high school girls won.

Very funny, Clarence, I'll have you know.

And the award goes to.

Slash bare bottom chickenairy spankings for excellence in writing.

Comedic excellence.

He does have the tissues right there in his bed.

I know. Of course. What boy didn't have tissues just sitting next to his bed? I didn't. I had a t shirt found around the world.

Oh, really? They all get deported. Doug, would you please listen to me?

Deported.

I called my mom deported. What happened now? We got to deport.

Immigrants are involved.

What happened?

Guess what happened? A man answered the phone.

Well, Clarence, did you ever think it might be a wrong number? I mean, you call wrong numbers about 60% of the time.

It was the right number.

Clarence, I want you just to be real honest with me for a second.

So now we got two guys lifting weights as only one on each arm. One has one on one arm, and one has one. They're only doing one weight at a time.

Yeah.

Oh, this feels like a workout video. Now.

Your weights have always been this size. Look, Doug. No. Your testicles have always been small. They'll drop soon. You only have the face of a 42 year old. Mom and dad are still going to the court to get the big d word.

What do you mean, dunk?

I mean dick down. Ah.

I mean, the guy looks like he's.

In his thirty s. This could not be more unrealistic.

The big day last to the court.

And that's how kids talk back then.

Oh, not dog. Divorce. Dad thinks he can save some money by doing it all on people's court. How embarrassing.

Come on, Claire.

He's like that. He's like the urban people's court. They do. No, they don't. They never did. Wapner never did one divorce. He did like you sold me a lawnmower for $20. Wapner was a very tame version of Judge Judy, but he was the best.

He was funny. He was the OG.

Come on. I've talked to you about this 100 times. Just be patient. We've already prayed about it. God heard your prayer. Everything's going to turn out okay.

Brother dad. Brother Doug.

Brother Doug.

Brother Doug, you got any more of those bare bottom spankings I've been looking for? I heard you do the chicken dance. Can you come down and do a bare bottom chicken dance? Up on.

Yeah, yeah. Brother Peter. Brothers. Keep it down. What do you want?

I desperately need a moment of your brother Doug.

Okay, okay. Come on up. I'm in my bedroom. Okay, just for a moment.

Come on up. I'm in my bedroom. You remember? You remember. Come on up.

Preach the good word. Lock the door behind you.

Popcorn for a movie.

Oh, great, honey.

Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Well, good evening, Mr. And Mrs. Collins.

Wow. This cast of characters just could not be more diverse.

All white, all terribly redneck accents.

And did you notice the mom spilled the entire bucket of popcorn, startled. This is. Not only is this, like, cerebral comedy, not only is it, it's kind of like british comedy. It's a thinking about it. Yeah, that's right. But then it's got this element of physical comedy, too, Chrissy, that I'm really enjoying right now.

It's working.

Yeah. Anytime someone has a bucket of popcorn and they get scared and they throw it on other people, that denotes to me that we are dealing with high brow comedy gold. It's comedy gold. As a matter of fact, I'm going to start bringing buckets of popcorn in here and just throwing it on you in random points in the show.

What?

I've been invited up there to Doug's room to discuss life and to discuss new relevation from above.

Jesus. I mean, I'm evoking the word of Jesus. This guy. This is awful.

I'm evoking the word of shut the fuck up.

He's got a raincoat, green coat.

Yeah.

Yelling he came, he might fit on with mountain monsters.

He came here.

Come upstairs.

Yeah, come upstairs. Get bare bottles. Fighting. I came here to look at Brother Doug's bare bottom. I got this here ain't going on so I can just flash in my balls. I got a revelation in my raincoat.

He does have a flasher coat on. Like anytime in an movie you would see a flasher. Like they were making fun of a flasher.

He'd be wearing a raincoat just like that.

Exactly.

By the way, thank you for the popcorn. I do appreciate your hospitalization. High hospitality. God bless you. No problem. Go on up there, you strange adult man with my young teenage son. We'll turn a blind eye. We'll be down here ignoring any kind of sounds or noises we might hear from movie.

For crying out loud. What's the matter to that guy? Why does he talk so loud? He's got wax in his ears or something.

Crying out loud. What's wrong with that strange man? And why don't we just let him go up into my son's room?

23412.

Fresh, relevant.

That is. No workout I've ever seen them.

Yeah, I mean, I don't know what.

They'Re working out there, but.

Throwing the weight back.

That's right. That's going to come in handy in his later softcore porn days under God.

With a voice of triumph. Glory. Now that's triumph. That's lunch.

That's sick.

I rebuke you now be rebuked. Okay. My. See there? It works.

What works? What is all this shouting business?

He said, rebuke you, and he said, okay, and he walked himself right into the closet and closed the door.

This is funny. This is actually getting funny, mother. Doug, have a seat there while I explain to you this new revelation.

His t shirt says goob. Goob is any God fearing God.

With his fenders.

Yeah, well, you got to keep your pants up, Chrissy, until it's time to take him down.

You know what I'm saying?

In the natural. Why, you take the heavenlies and something revelic happens in this parachute.

Is there any scripture for that?

Oh, the Bible's filled with scriptures, Brother Doug. But actually, this revelation has been overlooked until just recently. Why, for instance?

He seems like the town crazy.

Yeah, he is the town crazy. And he was just allowed upstairs into the teenage boy's room with no resistance whatsoever. They actually wanted him to leave because he was too loud. They were like, go up.

Take advantage of my young teenage son.

I can't take it anymore. You want some popcorn? It's on the floor.

Sure, he shouted and the walls came tumbling down. Cometh down, he said.

Hey, listen, if you don't keep it down, something else is going to come down. It's going to be my father on you.

Hey, duh, keep it down up there, will you?

I told you, he'll come up here and give you a bare bottom spanking and then you'll have something to shout about.

Oh, the whole family's getting involved. The friends come over for bare bottom spankings and you'll have something to nothing like a good bare bottom spanking from your friend's dad. Wait, hold on 1 second.

Family matters.

Family matters is so much better.

Night. Yeah, or whatever it's called.

Family matters. Fire by night, trial by fire. Bare bottom spanking. I'm just going to call, start calling it bbs. Bare bottom spanking. The bare bottom spanking show brought to you by Brian and Chrissy Hambone and holy in the morning.

Bbs.

CBS brings you bbs on Saturday nights.

Bare bottom spanking, starring these two family members and these two family members and this strange man. All the sexual innuendos you can fit.

Into one Christian related program.

Bbs only on what?

Maybe we should put this up on TCB minus.

Oh yeah. Well, I'm sure we can get it for a song and a dance.

They can dance.

Yeah. I think this is into the, what do they call it when you lose trademark? No, you lose the trademark. Oh, public domain. I think this went into public domain like 30 years early because everyone was like, who's going to pay for that shit? But hey, everyone does things in their own way. And some people on YouTube comment that they really enjoyed this show as much as they hated the bad acting. They really enjoyed the show. But I think pretty much you could put an eight year old in front of a television set with anything going. And if it was not like straight up hardcore gore murder, they would be like, oh, that's interesting. I like that.

Exactly.

Their little lies.

Get focused on whatever.

Daddy, are you going to give me a bare bottom spanking?

No, we stopped that about 20 years ago.

You're lucky.

You're lucky.

However.

Blue, blue.

I'll give a bare bottom spanking to bare bottom.

No, a bare bottom spanking.

Yeah.

All right, well, listen, do us a favor. Go to tcbpodcast.com. That's where you go. You find out more information about the.

Show and bare bottom spanking.

Bare bottom spankings. Although I can't stop laughing.

Oh my God. Tcbpodcast.com. Six two six.

Askdb. The number 3626. Askdb the number three at the commercial break on Instagram and YouTube.com. Thecommercial break.

Yeah.

Okay.

There you go. Okay, Chrissy, I guess that's all I.

Can do for today. I love you.

I love you.

Best to you.

Best to you.

Best to you out there in the podcast universe.

Until next time, Chrissy and I always say, we do still say and we.

Will say goodbye, but I.

Get asked close.