They also studied the way gay and straight people talk.

Hi.

Nice to meet you. I ride a skateboard.

Sounds straight to me.

And is straight. Hey there. I ride a scooter.

On this episode of the Commercial Break.

Check your thermal. Check your thermal. Check your thermal.

Check your thermal underwear.

Yeah. No, they're good. I meant a little bing-bang in my pants earlier for craft services, but I'm good. Anybody got any wet wipes? I got a delicate anus. Biodegradable, please. I don't want to hurt this. Boone County.

The next episode of the Commercial Break starts now. Oh, yeah, cats and kitts. Welcome back to the Commercial Break. I'm Brian Green. This is the one-hit wonder, Kristen Joy. Holy best to you, Chris. Best to you, Brian. Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Thanks for joining us. We certainly do appreciate it. I just read that Cheese Factory is the highest grossing restaurant chain in America. Yay, maybe the world.

What have I been missing? What did I miss when I went See, what? What was I missing? I don't know.

Well, see, when you just stick to just fine, see what places you can go.

Yeah, just fine.

It's fine. Everything's fine. It's great. It's fine. It's not great. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine.

That's what we're sticking to. So maybe we're on that track. Yes.

I really do think that we might be the Cheese Factory of Comedy Podcasts. We're not offending anybody. The food is fine. The service is fine. You go in the restaurant, it looks fine. Everything's fine. It's just fine. Everything's fine. Yeah, I think that's our lot in life, Chrissy, and that's okay.

Somebody's got to be middle.

Somebody's got to be middle. Someone's got to be mediocre. I have always said this, and I don't think that there's an issue with this, and I don't say this lightly. Actually, this is a philosophy in life. If you stick in the middle of the pack, then life is grand. It's once you get up to the top or the bottom, that things start getting a little shaky. I mean, look at this Peepody over here. What's his name? Peedidi?

He rose all the way to the top.

And now look at him. He's a hot mess. This guy can't keep his thing in his pants and everyone's suing him and the police are after him and sex trafficking and all that. I don't want to go to that level. No. I don't want to be at smartless level or cone-in level. I told our agency yesterday we were trying to get a- I don't think we're in danger of that.

No, no, no, no, no, That these people were probably mentally ill in some way.

But anyway, I was talking to Christie about this one time, maybe a year ago, and I was like, Yeah, I've gotten recognized a few times.

The show's doing well, up on the charts. I said, We were asking the question, When is famous? When do we hit famous? Christie said to me off air, I don't want to be famous. I'm not looking for anybody to bother me anywhere. I don't want anybody to know me, quite frankly.

I don't blame her. She might have to get a job eventually. She's just hoping she can ride in the middle of...

The commercial break is in the middle, and Christie is in the middle of the middle. She is insulated. I say, Good for you. That's a good strategy because I'm the asshole who keeps saying That's going to get me in trouble.

Cheesecake Factory, the number one grossing restaurant chain in- There's something for everyone.

There is something for... It's a 272-page menu. If you haven't been to a Cheesecake Factory, I don't know where you live.

They do have good cheesecake, I have to say. They do. I haven't been in years, but- No, I think the last time I went was before the pandemic. I haven't been as recently as Kanye.

No, Kanye, apparently, is heading up Cheese Factory every third fucking day.

Every third day.

When you find something you like.

It's insane. I was sharing with our agency, we were negotiating to get a special guest in on the commercial break we were negotiating. I said, If you must, if you have to, if push comes to shove, feel free to drop my name. Our agents all laughed.

It's like a big chain message.

They were all like, Ha, ha, ha, ha. I said, And by my name, I mean, Konan's name. Say, Konan loves them. But that's not true. Konan doesn't love us.

Did you see him I was on the recent Larry David- Oh, Carpier Enthusiasm?

Yes. No, I didn't, but I heard it was brilliant.

It's funny. It's really funny. There's a whole system that you have to go to actually say hello to Konan. You have to be approved by another friend in order for Larry to talk to him. It's a funny bit.

We've done some business with Konan, and I have talked to some people that work at the Konan show, and they could not be nicer. I mean, just the nicest group of human beings that I've spoken with, especially one young lady I just talked to, and they were just super pleasant as they can be. I feel like, clearly, we are no Konan O'Brien. He has a storied career and a storied history. Snl writer, Simpsons writer, had one of the best late night television shows that ever existed. Konan was the shit for a long time, and he's been out on stage. I don't know if it's stand-up necessarily, but he's done live shows. He's a musician. Now he's got one of the top podcasts in the world. For a long time, he's had that top podcast. He gets all everybody's swings through there. We are nowhere close to Konan O'Brien level. I don't want anyone to think we ever compare ourselves to Smartlist, Konan, Theo, any of those guys. They're doing their own thing They're doing great at it.

But I will say this, I do sense that my name does carry some weight in this industry.

It's usually- It's good to feel good about yourself. But I feel like it's a magnet, and I feel like the magnet has two sides. Right now, we're on one side of the magnet where if you push another magnet toward, it just pushes it away. You know what I'm saying? It repels it. But we're working on swinging to the other one. Yes, it repels it. There is no good reason for a guest to come on the commercial break. None. Zero. None.

Just ask Neil Brennan.

He'll tell you. It's one of those things that I feel grateful for the position that we're in, but it makes me a little bit like, skeeved out almost a little bit. Like, I'm here, I'm doing it, I'm putting one foot in front of the other.

Do you feel like you have imposter syndrome?

Yeah, very much. Yeah. Very much so. I feel like I have imposter syndrome. That's a thing. It is a thing, and I have it. I don't know that I'll ever get rid of it. But what I wanted to circle back with on Konan is I do sense a bit of kinship in spirits. Not that I've ever talked to the guy, but kinship in spirits in the sense that I think he has imposter syndrome. I feel close to him. I do. I feel like we're really close in my head.

In my head, when I'm listening to his show, we're best friends.

I just feel like he's my best friend. I just feel like if he knew I existed, that he might take a liking to me if he wasn't as famous and talented as he was, that Konan and I would be best friends.

I think so.

Yeah, it's hard not to have imposter syndrome, I think, a little bit, when you just start a podcast and then all of a sudden 10 people are listening to you.

It's big numbers.

Listen, ask 10 people to stand in your bedroom. You know, like some people at first... Listen to this. Listen to this. At your bedroom. Yeah. Allison one time was like... It was way in the beginning of the podcast. Allison hair, great friend of ours. She's got a podcast also, Late Learner. Go check it out. Allison hair, great supporter of the show, great friend of the show, and she's part of the reason why I actually started the show. Because she had started podcasting long before we did, and she decided to sell a course on how to start a podcast. Getting the title, doing the names, how do you hook it up, which hosting platform to use, which microphones you use, and all that stuff. A lot of that knowledge, technical knowledge, I already had. I was doing it poorly at many other places. I had a job. But I think Astrid had been encouraging me to do this for a while. We had already gone through the commercial break, the actual real estate version of the show. It was right before the pandemic, like December before the pandemic, and Allison puts out this Facebook post, and Astrid goes, You need to sign up for this right now.

Just sign up for it because it'll give you the courage, the push that you need to actually do this. To do it. Allison said to me one time, a couple of months into the show, and we've got 350 downloads per episode, which for some people is, if us at the time, was huge. But I also recognized that that was not a huge accomplishment. 350 downloads per episode wasn't going to make us Rich. Little did I know that 10 times that much wouldn't make us rich either. But we got to start somewhere. She says, imagine three- We're still chasing that high. Yeah, it's like heroine.

You could never get back to that original high.

The best day of my life as a podcaster was the day I woke up and I saw that we went... This is week number two. We went from 12 downloads on our first episode to 120 downloads on our- We were so excited. I was so fucking excited until I learned all of that traffic came from Venezuela. Because my mother-in-law, not understanding exactly the nature of the show, put it on her LinkedIn where she has like 60 million people. The LinkedIn. I love the LinkedIn link.

She made a LinkedIn post, and then all of a sudden, all these people from Venezuela are downloading us. I'm sure it's probably caused her a lot of trouble in life.

Probably, yeah.

I'm sure that post has been taken down.

We listened to your son-in-law's podcast.

While we don't speak English, we're pretty sure it's bad.

You don't need to speak English to know this show is shitty.

Allison says to me, Brian, just imagine that you have 350 people at a bar or a club or in your house, and you're talking directly to them. You're doing like, comedy for them. She goes, That would seem like a lot of people. You would feel like that was a lot of people. She's goddamn right about that. That feels like a lot of people. No matter how many listeners we have, and that's neither here nor there. It's neither here nor there because we don't have any.

But whether you're here, it's It is difficult for me to put myself into a mindset where I believe that 350 people should be listening to me do anything, let alone try and be funny.

It's just one of those things. When I hear Konan, he's self-deprecating a little bit like we are. He can't be self-deprecating. I think to myself, we're in such the same mental head space, Konan and I. If only Larry David and Tom Cruise would stop by our podcast, then maybe we could be in the same financial space as Konan also.

Konan, share some of your guests. What are you doing?

You always get to good- I think we are sharing guests.

Oh, we do. We share a lot of guests, that's for sure. But I promise you this much, Konan gets there first. Oh, yeah. Yeah. They're like, Because can you imagine? Just imagine the little bit of success that we've had on this show. Imagine someone picks up the phone and says, Booked you on, Konan. You would freak the fuck out. You would be like, holy shit. I don't know how many downloads he has, 20 million a month or whatever. Oh, my God. Fucking I'm going to go on Konan. That's crazy. We're going to go on Konan. That's insane.

Then the next day, commercial break.

Then the next day, commercial break, and they're like, Do I have to?

Am I contractually obligated to do this?

Who? What?

I think we've had a few guests on who are pretty- What's that?

What's that? The commercial break.

You want me to do an ad for a podcast? What's going on over there?

I know, I know for a fact that a few of our guests have listened probably moments before they're supposed to be on the show and they're like, Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

I got to do more research before I agree to these things.

Most people have been just wonderful about it. They've been like, Well, it's shitty, but I guess it's... I think most people are having fun.

We're doing what you and I do, and then we're doing it within a guest.

And then we're doing it within a guess. Yeah. Yeah. Just ask Virdas out at all.

That four bastard. He was our first.

He always going to remember you're first.

He won't, but we will. He probably took a cold plunge right after that to forget everything.

I like the cold plunge thing.

The cold plunge.

We have those places, too, that are like the cryotherapy. Cryotherapy. Yeah, where you go in like the frozen. Do you go in like... It's like a tanning bed, but cold?

It's tanning bed, but it's cold. It's tanning bed, but they are literally spraying you with minus 20 degrees air misting. You remember when I told you I went to Spain and we were staying at that hotel and they had that nice spa where they had the water spa? They had one of those cryo machines in there, but it wasn't like an official cryo machine. It was like a a half cryo machine, meaning you did it to yourself. So you just pulled the door closed. It wasn't as cold as the real cryo machines. But I will tell you what, I just walked by the cryo machine and I was, I... Thanks, anyway. Fuck that. Yeah, burh. Let me go look at those strange boobs again. I don't like that. I just don't like cold air. It's not interesting to me. And I don't... Until someone comes to me and says, This is it. This cold air, this cold water, these cold plunges are doing this to your body in a positive way until someone proves that to me scientifically. I don't want to chase that particular methodology.

Yeah, we were talking with someone, too, where they had tried it, and they said, Look, I'm just a regular exerciser. I think there might be some legit benefits to high-performance athletes. I agree with you. That are running. I mean, think about how football- Especially football players.

The bruising and the beating up.

Yeah, exactly. I'm thinking about soccer or football, as they call it. Football, football. But yeah, to where you're just... I mean, your muscles are just working, working, working. It's so overheated. I think there might be a benefit there, but I don't think just for us.

No. I mean, when you get a bruise or a sprain or something, but that's your thing. But that's your thing. I'm not saying don't do it. Listen, anything that we review on this show, fine and dandy. As long as you're not hurting anybody else, fine.

As long as you're not storming the capital or something, I don't give a shit what you do.

But at the end of the day, this cold therapy just doesn't seem beneficial to a guy like me who the most exercise I get, literally, is rocking my daughter to sleep at night. That's an occasional run. I don't need to sit in an ice bath for an hour. But if you're a pro athlete and your body's taking a toll, Like, the guys who do the Tour de France, I could Tour de France. Do you see how I said it correctly? Just letting everybody know that. The Tour de France.

What happened in my mouth?

It just stopped.

It was like, The Tour de France.

I fell off there. I was like, Tour de France. See, just like Coda.

That's comedy gold right there. How do you get better than that?

The Tour de France? Tour de France. The Tour de France? The Tour de Then you are riding up a mountain at 30 miles per hour.

Just pushing your body, just muscles.

I can see how getting in an ice bath at the end of the night, while probably still uncomfortable, you're almost certainly You're used to it. You've been doing it for a while. But what would the trainers do anyway? They would put ice packs on your legs and just sit there for an hour. You might as well get in the tub. You might as well just get in the tub and do it. But I am not a high-performance athlete. I am not a high-performance anything. I am not. I a high performance anything. Nor am I interested in being a high performance anything. Exactly.

That's the theme of the podcast.

It's gone. It's gone. Those days are gone. Any chance that I had... Sometimes I'll watch TV. I'm watching this show right now, my nighttime show right now is a Canadian comedy show called Mister D, starring Jerry D. He's a famous Canadian comic. To me, it is so funny. It's like my third time watching this series. There's like eight seasons of it, and I love it. I usually fall asleep within the first seven minutes, but that's no indication of how the comedy is. The comedy is really good. But I'm watching this, Jerry D, and it's all about teachers, right? A comedy show about teachers. I sometimes think to myself, I would have been a good teacher. But as I get older, I'm starting to realize those days are gone. I'm not going to be a teacher. No one's giving me a teaching degree. No one's going to agree to have me in their... Especially not after the commercial break.

That's what I was going to say. Yeah. Not now.

But then I think to myself like, yeah, I'm watching at night.

You have a ton of kids. That's a classroom.

This is true. You know?

I am a teacher. You are their teacher.

I teach them nothing, but I'm a teacher. I just try to keep them from killing themselves. But then I'm also watching all these science and engineering videos. I like to watch those in the shower at night. I like that, yeah. The engineering of the space shuttle or how SpaceX gets the rocket so big, or whatever. But I watch the complicated versions where they actually break down and do equations and stuff like that. I don't understand a fucking word of it. But I think to myself sometimes in that shower, I'm like, I could have been a good fucking space engineer if I had any organization or follow-through skills.

I could have been good at that.

But then I remind myself, You're done, Brian. This is it.

This is it. One last shot of glory.

There was a fork in the road. You took the one- The podcast. You took the one away from engineering.

If you're looking for a get-rich-quick scheme, kids, podcasting is not it. I will tell you that right here, right now. Blue agrees. Yeah, Blue agrees. Well, Blue making her 506th appearance on the commercial break, in case anyone's wondering. Luckily, she's mostly stayed out of the interviews lately because I locked her in a closet. We have this lady who helps us around the house. She's lovely. I her. Her name is Noémie. She's amazing. She's been with our family since before the children. She helps with the kids and she helps with the house just a couple of days a week. Blue and her have really bonded in a lot of ways. But I know that Blue is extra irritating right now because even she is getting a little... Stop it. Is irritated. Yeah, she's like, Shut up. And that's just not like her. That's not her in her personality. But when we were getting ready for an interview earlier, she was like, Do you want me to lock Blue in the closet?

And I was like, yes, yes, I do. And the three children that are currently at home. If you would do that for me, too. Everybody in the closet. Everybody in the closet. Daddy's got to work.

Hey, Daddy. Daddy. Oh, yeah. Or they just walk in and scream my name. Yeah, I'm trying to make money. You kids have clothes. I realized that the boys are wearing the girls' hand me downs and the girls are wearing the boys' hand me downs.

I'm sorry, kids. Podcast Everything didn't work out how I intended. But don't let that stop me. I'm dumb enough to believe we'll continue forever.

All right, now, this is what I want to do. I know that last episode we had a Mountain Monsters, Moth Man. It was requested by our friend Caden, one of the listeners of the show.

It was really funny. I have to say.

It was really funny. I had a second part to it. What I didn't realize in that second part was that it was paywalled. I do not want to get on the bad side of a company who sometimes sends us guests and generally probably could copyright the show. I don't want to do that. I'm not going to do the second part of Mothman, but I found something just as good from the Mountain Monsters. I don't want to let anybody down. I'm going to do a second Mountain Monsters for you today What do you think about that, Chrissy? I think so. Right here, right now. Let's do it. Dollar 99, 99 plus shipping and handling. Announcer voice. Now, go into the announcement voice and get into that commercial. Okay, let's do this. Let's take a break, and then we'll be back.

Well, the baby Jesus. Brian took a breath, and now I will use this opportunity to let you know that we've got a brand new phone number. That's right. It's 212-433-3TCB, and you can text us anytime you want, or you can call and leave us a voicemail, and we might just use your message on the show once Brian gets through all the messages he missed last year, of course. Anyway, you can also find and DM us on Instagram at the Commercial Break and on TikTok at TCB podcast. And of course, all of our audio and video is easily found on tcbpodcast. Com. Now, I'm going to thank G one more time that we have sponsors. So thank G, and here they are.

This episode is sponsored in part by Prizepicks. Okay, now a sporting season has come around that I actually enjoy the MLB. He's back, baby. And I'm sitting here on Easter weekend, and I am playing some games on Prizepicks. And let me tell you how easy this is. I picked Joe Boyle, a pitcher from Oakland, to throw more than 6.5 of strikeouts. And I got Aaron Judge. You know Aaron Judge hitting a home run on tonight's games. And that's it. It's that easy. You pick over, you pick under, you pick more, you pick less. It's just you against the numbers. Prizepick is America's number one fantasy sports platform where you do not have to be an expert on any of the sports because you're playing against the stats. And while I'm playing Boyle and Judge tonight, I will be playing my boys from Atlanta later on this week. And now, because Prizepicks loves the commercial break listeners and you happen to be a commercial break listener, you can go to prizepicks. Com/tcb and then use the promo code T-C-B for your first deposit match of up to $100. That's pricepicks. Com/tcb, and make sure to use the code T-C-B for a first deposit match of up to $100.

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Oh, my God. Before we get into Mountain Monsters, you know I'm so excited to see the Pop Tart story. Starring Jerry Seinfeld.

Don't ask me why. I am.

Melissa McCarthy. I didn't even know this was a thing. It's a movie. It's coming out on Netflix, May third. It's about the story about pop tarts. Oh, about how pop got started. About the guy who started pop tarts, which I've seen documentaries on this, and it's very fascinating. I don't want to give it away here, but I'm sure that Jerry Seinfeld. When does Jerry Seinfeld ever start in a movie besides the Bee movie, which was critically panned at the I'm like, Everybody disliked it. All the critics disliked it. My kids are not one of those critics because I have seen that movie a hundred times, and I actually think it's all right. But Jerry Seinfeld in a Netflix movie, that's a big deal. I think that's a big deal. All right. Last episode, we did Mountain Monsters. Some of our favorite guys on Earth are those Mountain Monster guys. Buck Chuck, Buck. Buck Chuck, Buck and Huck. Huckleberry, two. Huckleberry, three. Huckleberry, four. And Trapper John, who I didn't even know was a guy on the show until yesterday.

Well, what about Willy, too?

Oh, yeah. Go to Willy. That's right.

Tone free Willy. There he is. The rat that I let go years ago. He did just fine. Now he's living in the backwoods of Kentucky.

West Virginia.

West Virginia.

I'm pretty sure this is all filmed at the exact same place. I'm pretty sure. It's probably not West Virginia. It's definitely Kentucky. I don't know. Who knows? Anyway. Here's what I did. I found us another one. Without further ado, I'm scrolling on the internet. As you do. As I do like to do. Here, the mountain monsters are not chasing sasquatch, they're chasing sheep-squatch. Oh, sheep-squatch. Yeah, it's a combo of the sasquatch and sheep.

The legend of the sheep squatch.

The legend of the sheep squatch. That's what I was afraid of when I spend the nights out in the woods. Not the camp counselors, not the Boy Scout guys, not my priests, but that sheep squatch always running around the woods ramming people.

It's huge. I'm assuming it's big.

Oh, it's got to be.

And it has horns.

Oh, you don't know how big it is. And yes, it does have horns. When it gets excited, it gets horns.

All right, let's take a look and see.

We're on the final night of the hunt, according to-There's a full moon.

Of course, there's always a full moon. It's B-roll footage.

They got to make some explanation as to why it's so very bright everywhere they go. It's full moon.

There it was again. There it is again.

There it is again. There it is again. There it is again. Yeah, guys, listen, I'm over here and I got my dick stuck in a pussy willow. I'm trying to get it out. It's making a knocking sound. Don't mind me.

We're in Boone County, and we're hunting the sheep squads.

He said that with a straight face.

They're always in Boone County. Boone County is the same county every state. It's Boone County. Poor Boone County. They got the worst reputation.

Look at this. Oh, my They put up a picture of the sheep squad. Oh, wow. It has got the body of a- Sasquatch. A big foot. And a weird piranha mouth.

And a dog face and then goat horns.

I don't even think it's a sheep.

I think it's a goat.

6.5, 7 foot tall, weighs over 600 pounds.

He's got a rat tail.

Oh my God.

What the fuck is going on? These guys are going a little too crazy.

They're just making up anything.

Of course they are. And by the way, I'm so proud to announce, I'm so proud of our country, I'm so proud of us as a United States of America, that I will read a lot of the comments below some of these videos on YouTube, and people take it just as we do. It's just comedy going to them.

And has a huge set of horns like a ram. He just ran off. He just ran off.

Damn it.

Damn it, he got away. This huge 600 pounds.

God damn it. I'm going to go chase this 1,000-pound piranha-mouth dogface, scasquatch with horns. It could kill me by You all stay here. I don't think that's running more than it is just- Leaping over a log? Moving your feet in place. What is he doing?

What do you got? I can't see.

Holy cow, look at right there.

Guys, how do you expect to catch anything at a ground-breaking 1.2.

Miles per hour? They're swinging their guns all over the place at each other.

Look at that.

Holy.

Right through that tree he was laying up against.

He was just right here. He was just here.

He was just here two and a half feet from us because we didn't run anywhere. We literally stumbled two feet. He was right there. Imagine we could have actually had a camera take a picture of this creature so that we could be the most famous people on Earth.

They got away too quick, Brian.

They always do, Chrissy.

Oh, guys, I'm I'm sorry. It scared me. Look at that.

He tore up Jack, didn't he? That sheep squash just tacked this tree.

He just tore a bark up.. Then the thing fell over. Then I He tore up the thing, the moment fell over, then I ran, and then he fell and then it came down. He took it down. God damn. There. Let me make my sheep calling noises. That was good. This is bad news. I'm telling you what.

Dug a big old hole in the ground where he slung against that thing and just tore out north right towards that track. Keep going to the left.

I don't even take the fucking word you said.

He's the worst.

I know.

Phil. I have earmuffs if I work with that guy, and I'm a guy who screams for a living.

Keep an eye on your left up there, trapper. Okay. Careful there, Willy. You fall off that son of a bitch. We never get you out of here.

I can see the brush. There's a tree that has fallen over what is clearly a three and a half inch ravine. Yeah, it's not very tall.

And they're saying, Don't fall off. We'll never get you out of there. Well, because mainly because the rest of you are 380 pounds.

Out there towards right straight in front of me, about 75 yards. I can hear it. Back up and come around. Come up here with us. Our log is going to lead you to no place.

I love how these guys... They're so sweet with each other.

Don't get yourself stuck on a log that's fallen down. That lead no place. Well, I'm pretty sure anywhere you go in this scenario leads you to no place.

Cross the ravine. Go back through there. I see his eye right there, right there, right out there. But 60, 70 yards. He's moving up to the left.

I see his eye. Guys, that's me.

I see his eye.

That's it, though. Just his eye.

Yeah, from 75 yards away, he sees his eye. Guys, that's me. Don't Don't shoot. Don't shoot.

There he goes. He's going exactly in the right direction we want him to, though. Trapper. Go ahead, sir.

We just caught him.

Trapper MD.

Cbs needs a new episode by Thursday.

Go ahead. Yeah.

Trapper MD.

He's over here hitting up against a tree. He's got leaves kicked back. He's right between us on the trail.

Can we just see him over here seeing his eyes go up this ridge line?

No, I'm perfectly relaxed in this situation. I'm just going to be sitting on the ground. Buck, the guy who's closest to the sheep man, sheep squash, sheepfoot, whatever it is.

Sheepfoot.

The guy who's closest to the sheepfoot, he's sitting on the ground just relaxed as he can be. Don't worry about me, guys. I'm good. Listen. Listen to that. The sound editors on this was just awesome. I know they are.

You're hearing that, Bob?

Yeah, I'm hearing a trapper.

We need to join back up. Are you close to the log pile? Yeah, we're pretty close to it. We'll meet you at the log pile.

Are you close to the dumping pile? Me at the But meet me at the log pile. You mean the hole in the ground where we take our shits or the actual log pile? No, the stinkies.

Let's go.

I just heard the sheep squats roar. I think it was loud. It echoed all the way up this hauler. It's incredible.

Over here. Over here. We're coming. We're coming. We're coming.

It was right here. Wow. The action in this is crazy.

They're all moving at a glacial pace, just swinging their guns wildly around.

I think they also just met up with the other... There was one team and then another team, and then they missed them, though.

You've never hunted for cryptids, but if you had hunted for cryptids, you know that's how it goes. Cryptids. Cryptids. That's what they're called, these wild animals that don't really exist. This, but people want to believe that they do. They're called cryptids.

I didn't know that.

Let me share with you. When you go cryptid hunting, like a 3,000-pound, seven-and-a-half-foot tall thing with fangs and muscles. At night. Yeah, at night under the full moon. You know what you do? You split up. It gives this creature a better chance to eat you alive.

We heard him. We heard him. We've seen him, too. We got to keep pushing him north right towards the trap. Let's move right through there now.

Oh, they've got a trap.

Form a line. Everybody point your gun at the guy next to you. Let's form a line, and we'll walk slowly until one of us dies accidentally.

The team just met up. We're going to keep pushing north on this deer trail right up where Mason had his encounter with the sheep squads.

They got a map on there. They're showing you where they are. That's not a map. It's just a- Arrows.

Yeah, it's just arrows pointing in the northern direction.

Our feeder is just right over the hill.

Right there. Right there.

There he is.

Go, go, go, go, go. Go, go, go, go, go, Check your thermal, Jeff.

I'm scanning.

Check your thermal.

Check your thermal. Check your thermal.

Your thermal underwear?

Yeah. No, they're good. I meant a little bing-bang in my pants earlier from craft services, but I'm good. Anybody got any wet wipes? I got a delicate anus. Biodegradable, please. I don't want to hurt this. Boone County.

He's moving fast, guys. Yeah. Oh, he got it. Down the hill. Straight down the hill. Come on, Bill. Straight over the hill.

He's just marching in place. I know.

They're just going so slow. They're trying to chase a 7,000 found creature that's seven and a half feet tall, and they could not be moving slower.

It's like they're running in place.

They're doing the backwood shuffle. They're just shuffling their feet along the ground.

Right here by this deer stand, something smacked it and tuck off down the hill. What do you got?

Well, I found it. Unfortunately, Huckleberry number three is gone. He's dead. But I did find him, and then he ran away. As hard as I ran, I just couldn't catch up with him. I was right there. I can't see nothing. Right in there, wasn't it?

We got to get to the side besides Huckleberry. He's moving too fast.We got to get to the side.What is the work? We got to get to work.

We got to get to the side besides Huckleberry. Job, job.

He's moving too fast.

Jop, jop. He's moving too fast. Or maybe you're moving too slow.

Exactly.

Maybe half your problem on this stupid show is that you guys just don't know how to run. You're just crawling, basically.

What's to do, driver? We got to get in the side besides to push him north. Huckleberry and I will take one. You guys take the other one.

I mean, there has got to be a more scientific way of doing this, don't you think? Shouldn't you have a chopper up above?

Like with thermos?

I was going to say like a drone.

Yeah, like a drone. A couple of scientists who are ready to draw blood or something.

There's got to be a better way to go about capturing the sheep squash.

I mean, it's just their process, Brian. Don't knock it.

I don't knock it. I've made a good living off their process.

But I'm just sharing with you that it's silly the way they go about this.

They just stand in a circle, swing their guns around, and yell at each other, essentially.

Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go. Let's go.

Move out. Let's go. The sheep squatch is way too fast for us to keep up with him on foot. He didn't jump in the side besides the pushing point.

I dream this creature.

I know. He's just dancing.

Oh, my God.

Hey, over Over here.

No, over here. Over here. Come on, buck, run down that hill. Oh, what, Scott? You missed me. I'm behind the tree. Red Rover, Red Rover, send Bulk over. Marco.

Marco.

Oh, these fucking mountain monsters, I love scared of them. Hey, let me scramble up this tree real quick. That's so much fun. Hey, guys, if you do catch me, I'm just going to eat you, but let's have some fun with it for a while. Here, I'm going to run at a normal human pace, and you guys will be a mile behind me in about five minutes.

Come get me.

Let's go. Come on, drive him down, down, down, go, go, go. Let's go, Willy. Let's go, Willy. Let's go, Willy.

Yeah, bro. Come on. Let's go, Willy. Let's go, Let's go.

Where are you guys going? Go, go, go, where? I'm right here. You don't need to get to a golf cart. You can just walk to me. And then I'll eat you. Here come my horns. I'll be right back.

Let's go.

Get on. Yeah, let's go. Stay right on him, driver. Stay right on him.

Get to him. Get to him.

Get right on him.

Listen to the crazy noises in the background.

He's back on the ground, boy.

Roar.

Roar. Am I scaring you yet? Roar. Here, wait. Let me make the little tapping noises. Fuck with them.

Over here.

You missed me. Hey, you want to play a game of tag? You tag my mouth and I'll chop off your arm. What do you think? No? All right.

It was about one eye. Yeah, I got one eye.

Even with my one eye and dislocated shoulder and my bad hip, I'm still faster than Buck. Okay, all right.

Run, you bastard.

Run. Yeah.

Like they're on a horse. Yeah.

Get them, John Deere tractor lawnmower.

Yeah.

All right, let's take a break, and we're going to be back with one of us. We got to figure out what happens here, Chrissy. I'm excited now.

I feel like there's a good shot. We're going to see a picture.

I think so. This time. I think so.

This time, they're going to get their man.

This time, Billy's going to get it.

He's going to get it. All right, we'll be back.

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All right, let's get back into it because I'm feeling they're on hot on the trail. They are. They're not on their hair.

They're the leather to them, but game going, aren't we?

Stay with him, driver.

It's nail-biting. Yeah. By the way, they're traveling 32 miles per hour in this car. Stay up with him. Is he running down the same trail? I mean, honestly.

He's running fast.

There's lots of woods here, but what I'm going to do is I'm going to run down the road so you guys because you guys could see me clearly. Is that cool? Is that good? You think you can catch up with me? Come on, let's do it.

Man, this is rough. This is rough. Go, go, go.

Yeah. It doesn't look rough to me. It looks like a fucking road.

You're gliding down a road in a John Deere tractor.

It's rough in here. That can be too. He ain't got no choice now. He's a.

We're going to get him.

We're going to get him.

We're going to get him. Oh, yeah. We're going to get him. We're going to get him. The kid Can they see him? Because I can.

I know that they're flashing up the- The thermal camera. The thermal camera, which shows nothing. I don't know what I'm looking at.

It shows nothing. It just shows the woods. That's it. I guess the woods are red hot tonight because everything's red on the screen.

We're out. Damn, he can go to this shit quick. Can't he? Damn, Boon County. If it was easy, we wouldn't be down.

God damn Boon County. God damn Boon County. Boon County is where you're making your bread and butter, kid. You're always in Boon County.

Damn Boon Kater.

They've all got guns, too, and nobody can just- Point and shoot. Point and shoot.

If he's close enough to see, he's close enough to shoot.

Get a dart gun.

I mean, wouldn't that be the wise thing here? Get a dart gun, fill it with some good stuff, and just shoot him in the neck. I've seen it in movies. Ace Ventura, Pet Detective.

Stay with him. He's going right there. He's still headed that way.

Where On his ass. They keep showing these thermos. On his ass. On his ass.

Don't threaten me with a good time. Get up in this ass. It's lonely out here for a sea squash. I'm just letting you know. There's not a lot of female, not a single female sheep-scratch in Bird County. So if you guys want to take out it, I'll just bend over. Let you ram me for a few minutes. Then I'll basically mutilate you with my teeth. How's that?

Oh, that's steep. There. Right away. He's right here. He's right here.

What the fuck was that? This is worse than Fifty Shades of Gray.

Did they just crash into a tree?

They just crashed into something. And fell over. Yeah, but it was so bad. You could tell no one crashed. It was just a camera shaking. This is the worst. I mean, it's the best comedy, but It's the worst non-fiction show on television. It's clearly fiction. Rapper Huckleberry just hit something.

We got to get down, right? It just felt like a grenade went off.

We got to take time to talk to the camera real quick, and we're going to go rescue our friends.

I'm going to do an interview real quick, and then we're going to go down there and help them.

We're going to take the next 30 to 35 minutes to do this cutaway, and we're going to certainly find out whether our friends are dead or not.

It sounded like a just switching out because Buck's pants are all the way down around his thigh.

His whole ass is sticking out as he's trying to shuffle down a hill. Buck, driver. Buck, driver.

Buck, Uncle Barry. Oh, he's sliding just on his butt. They're all sliding down their butt.

Yeah, that's probably the best idea, that size.

Probably faster.

Probably faster.

If you were just roll down, what was her name in the Willy Wanka movie? Verruca Salt.

Are you okay, Huck?

Oh, boom. Down goes Buck. Down goes Buck.

They're just tripping all over themselves.

I know.

The medic costs on this production must be huge because everyone's always fallen or hurting themselves.

Remember that one time?

Was it Huckleberry that fell into the freezing water?

Yes. Well, the water was coming down on him.

That was a different one.

Oh, no. Yeah, you're right. It was like our first ever mountain Monsters, and he fell into a creek, and it was freezing. What's that?

What happened? We just seen you hit something.

We hit a goddamn tree.

We hit a goddamn tree? We hit a goddamn buck. Don't worry, the golf cart is completely unscathed, but we are profusely bleeding everywhere.

Look at the wine shield.

Damn, Traffler.

You're all right?

Mcaulbar, you all right? They're discombobulated.

They're all discombobulated. I think these guys might need medical attention right now, but we're in Boone County. Walmart is the closest doctor.

They got their cage ready. He went that way. He went that way.

He went that way. Go, go, go. Go, go. Leave me alone. Leave them alone.

There's broken glass.

Everywhere. Their hair's They're discombobulated. There he goes. Yeah, they can't talk. They're in some state of confusion. Then one of the guys who's been in the accident says he went that way, and everyone just starts running away. Don't worry about him. It'll be fine. Go, go.

Up the hill. That's the good news.

I think that it got mad. It got irritated. It turned. Instead of going to the trap, it went ahead and it just attacked them.

Yeah, I'm sure that's exactly what happened.

There were cameras on that cart, too. There are literally cameras attached all over that cart, and they didn't catch one shot of being attacked? No. Come on.

Damn, they don't just go, wham.

You all right, Uncle Barry? It looks like you're about to puke. Well, I've slaughtered my damn tobacco.

That will make you puke from what I've heard.

Oh, yeah. I've done it. When I was in high school and I tried to chew, right? Yeah. To have actual chewing tobacco, that's the nastiest shit in the world. You better be goddamn close that throat. Don't swallow one bit of it because it's not going to go down easy. It's gross.

Is light over there? Yeah. All right. After I got down there and checked on trapper- God, his eyes look like he's been doing acid for a month.

It's crazy. He's got all pupils, no eyes.

While Bill got over there, picked up on his trail, let's not lose him. I don't care see nothing where nothing went. He has to be wounded. I don't see how any world's something to get through here good Lord.

He has to be wounded.

Your friends just got into a terrible accident with the sheep squash. The windshield is broken. They're discombobulated.

Only no one got wounded.

Do you think the sheep Squatch left in the same way.

I have to lose this trail. We took right up all pressure running through that thing, going through that thick- What?

What did she say? We went down to the thing and I got to the side, saw a fucking bug, and I went down the thing. I didn't see a Same thing.

Thick brush. We couldn't even remotely keep- You know it would be fun to go on YouTube, watch one of these videos, and put on the closed caption that the AI does?

That's true.

Right on out of Dodge, It left the patch. We couldn't even keep up with it. You see him?

I don't see nothing.

Look at this. What a man. You can see the round part of his horn where his horn was right here. Yeah, look at that.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. This thing is seven feet tall, 800 pounds, and he's showing a circle where he thinks the horn went through. It's the size of a dime. It's the size of a dime. Are you sure you're not just dealing with a really irritated roach? Because this doesn't seem like a thing that big would make such a small dent.

No. Yeah.

Wow. I think a simple bitch ran us. I'll tell you exactly what happened.

Please do.

He had a choice between the trap and me. He actually turned to fight. He rammed that goddamn big head and horns right in the front of the side-by-side.

Okay, where is the picture? Where is the photographic evidence?

You're with a fucking camera crew, miced up, cameras everywhere, lights in action, all the whole nine yards. Where is the picture?

It's elusive.

I know.

Me and Wild Bill picked right up on tracks. It's real thick in there. We made it out about 300 yards. We just couldn't keep up with the trail. I mean, he just prattled around like right out of Dodge. I mean, plum out of Dodge.

Plum out of Dodge. When's the last time you heard someone say plum out of anything? That's like from a movie in the '60s where they just like, stereotype Southerners. Well, I'm plum out of cheesecake, honey. I'm plum out of cobbler.

Plum out of We are plumb out of plums today.

Slow him down none.

I mean, he must be one tough hombre.

Tough hombre. You're assuming he's Mexican. That's pretty racist there, buddy. Hombre.

This critter is big, he's agile, and he's mean.

Very agile.

Yeah, he's very agile. He's right there, but you can't catch up with him. He's everywhere, but you can't get a photograph of him.

He's dancing all over the place, but no one seems to shoot him. I mean, come on, guys.

It's the sheep squash. I understand. This has been going on for whatever, 12 seasons, and you've never once, that I know of, photographed or had any evidence that any of these things exist, like hard evidence, except for tree markings and a dent and some guy got a... I got to hear- Scat. Scat. But you don't take that to a scientist or doctor or NASA or somebody who can test that shit.

What you do is you just- Keep filming.

Just keep yelling.

He tore up Jack, didn't he?

The Sheep Squatch War is just as bizarre as the creature itself. We heard that thing, and it just shook the whole hauler.

Listen. The whole hauler. The Whole Hauler.

The Whole Hauler.

Get down to the hauler. Get down to the creek, boys. Get down to the creek.

It's a killer, and it's dangerous, and it's to be feared.

But it didn't kill us, nor did it try to eat us or any other thing of the sort.

This thing turned and challenged just an attack. He took his horn and run it right through the windshield, right at it.

It He took a dime and threw it at us.

This thing is dangerous.

This windshield ain't all the time.

That's why this crack team of monster hunters that are all approaching 70. Probably. Yeah. Except for Huck.

His body probably is 70, but his age is probably less. And they'll just find a new huckleberry. When this one ages out, they'll just get a new huckleberry, a similar age. I think each huckleberry lasts about a season.

What happened? I'll come running over that hill and I busted the cross, pulled him out of my breaches.

Oh, he did.

Oh, his pants are ripped.

What? I didn't want to see that.

No, I didn't either.

I think I saw some dangling participles there. I know.

Didn't you? So Buck's pants ripped because he's a big boy.

And at some point, going down that hill where they got into the car, he said he slid down on his butt because the walking wasn't doing it for him.

And then even while sliding, he still managed to tumble down. His pants are ripped open in the front down one leg, and they just showed a shot where you could see his white boxers and his dangling particples.

I mean, it's a good thing I have on my long underwear. You all be seeing more than what you're bargaining for.

Don't make me laugh at her, thug.

This is the funny part of the show.

Hey, my grass.

Oh, that's funny.

Forget about that old sheep squash.

Forget about that old sheep squash.

We're fine.

Let's look at my balls.

Let's look at my dorm pain.

Let's look at the real monster in this situation. My mammoth cock.

Sheep squatch has to be heard. I think we're going to take it easy, Huckleberry. I bet that son of a bitch is dinged up worse than I am. I bet he's up here someplace pulling Trapper out of his ass.

You all right there, buddy? Yeah. All right. He's up there somewhere pulling Trapper out of his ass?

What does that even mean? I don't know. But also, is he now able to just jump? Yes. He's up there.

Yeah, he's up there. He's gone up. He's scampered up the tree. Like a bear.

Take care of him, Buck.

I got him.

The sheep squash may not be in our trap, but I know for sure he's in boomfam.

Well, once again. A cow killing bastard. Once again, we don't get proof, but we get comedy.

There you go.

Oh, man, I love a good Mountain Monsters.

Thanks, Kaden. Thanks for reminding us. Yeah. It gave me a little... The push I needed to get back to the Mountain Monsters.

It's a good one.

Yeah, now we'll put them away for a couple months, and then we'll be back, okay?

Can't do too much.

I don't want this to turn into season number two or three repeat. Every episode is Mountain Monsters. Oh, man. So much fun. I just love it. They can't catch a break. They can't get one of those on video.

No, it's Billy's fault, though, really.

Billy's fault. It's always been Billy's fault. That's who I blame. Billy and Huckleberry, those two are engineering, manufacturing this drama behind the scenes, and everybody else thinks it's real. I'm on to you, Huckleberry. Burberry number 4. I'm on to you. Oh, man. Hey, listen, you know what I'd like to be on to? I'd like you to be on to the commercial break. We are a plum out of people to talk to.

Here in this neck of the holler. So we need you to come on the commercial break.

Don't you want to? Don't you need to? Wouldn't you like to? You can dial in on the phone. We'll disguise your voice if necessary. If that really is necessary, we can do that. All you All you have to do is let us know you want to be on the show by contacting us at 212-433-3TCB. 212-433-3822. Text us. Let us know if you want to be on the show. Give us a little synopsis of what you'd like to discuss, the question you have, the advice you need. Someone will contact you and let you know when we record and how to get on the show. We'll schedule it. We'll actually put it on a calendar, Kirstie. We will.

We have a shared calendar.

We do. Look at that.

We're getting fancy around here.

So hit us up there. Also, comments, questions, concerns, content, ideas, we will take them all at that phone number, voicemail or text message. Tcbpodcast. Com is another way you can get a hold of us. You can go there, watch all the video, listen to all the audio, find out more about the show, our sponsors, our guests. You can also get your free TCB bumper sticker. All you got to do is hit the Contact Us button, drop down menu. I want my free sticker, give us your address, and we will send it away. I think we're in the process of creating the new one. So have the Commercial Break on Instagram, TCB podcast on TikTok and youtube. Com/thecommercialbreak. Thanks, Dr. Phil. You're welcome, Brian. All right, Chrissy, that's all I can do for today.

I think so.

But I'll tell you that I love you. I love you. I'll say best to you. Best to you. Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time. We always say, we do say, and we must say goodbye.

He's back on the ground, boy.