Because I get older and I wax more, I notice that my mustache is getting thickerer. But it's cool though, because bitches with mustaches got good pussy. Patience. What? Am I right? You're right, bitch. Talk about it, bitch.

On this episode of the Commercial Break.

If you're hanging out with me ever, I'm like, Hey, joke, joke, fun, talk, talk, blah, blah, blah.

Are you? Fun, fun.

Are you, though? Because you're not tripping straight.

If you're ever hanging out with me, you're like, Fun, fun, laugh, laugh, talk, talk, can you pick up the bill? Do you have a couch? I can stay on.

I just have a carry on.

The next episode of the Commercial Break starts now.

Oh, yeah, Caps and Kitts.

Welcome back to the Commercial Break. I'm Brian Green, and this is my cohort in the Yuckles Clown Facts Class School.

And speed dating, Chris and Joy. Hopefully, best to you, Chris. Best to you, Brian. And best to you in the podcast universe.

How are you doing? Thank you for joining us.

Hannah.

Hannah.

Hannah. Okay, we'll get to that later. That's an episode that hasn't even aird yet, so we shouldn't do that. Okay, so we talked about, or we had not yet talked about, you have not yet heard about Christie's vacation to Jamaica. So I want to ask the question because I don't want to get a Yamon.

That's terrible.

That's Jeff and I just Jamaican now. Yamun. Yamun.

What is that? Respect. Respect. Mad respect.

Mad respect.

Mad respect, man.

Mad respect. Bless up.

Bless up? God, you're in Yahweh. Is that Yahweh? What are they? I don't know.

I don't know. They say something. I know there's three things. I don't want to be horrible.

I don't want to come off as generally racist on the show. But tell me this. I just got to know one thing, not that you tried it, but from other people in your hotel that probably were partaking in the local affairs. Yeah. Is the weed better Here or worse than it is here?

Well, it's just different.

It's just different?

Yeah, because it's just straight growing. Here, it's become so much different because of all the strains and the things and the edibles and the whatever there. It's just straight grass.

It's just that grass.

Just that Jamaican grass. That good, good. Yeah, man. That good, good.

Yeah. I drank a ton of Red Stripes. Smoked a lot of weed. I mean, when in Jamaica.

When in Jamaica, do what the Exactly. Say, Ya, man.

Exactly.

Stay in beautiful hotel.

Listen, I had one experience where I went to Jamaica. Here's how it goes. I think I've told this story, but I'll repeat it because we have 7,000 episodes of the show.

You're probably not going to hear the last time I told it.

My ex-wife and I go to Ocho Rios on a cruise before we're even married. This is our first big trip together. We cannot even afford to get a room with a balcony, so we have a room with a porthole. You've seen those videos where the waves are flashing up against the porthole? That room, right? Where we actually had to keep the curtain closed as not to make us more seasick. I don't know what it is. It's like the second stop, and we go to Ocho Rios, and we have this beautiful day planned, and we're going to go to the waterfall that you can slide down. We're going to go eat at this local establishment off the beaten path that has nothing to do. We didn't do the tour guided stuff. We just went off on our own, right? We got a cab, we went to wherever we went. We get in the cab and my ex at the time is like, Listen, I think we should smoke a little weed while we're here. Get a little weed. When in Jamaica, do what the Romans do. When in Jamaica, smoke like on you. At the time, I was not a weed smoker.

I was a reformed weed smoker due to the crippling panic attacks that they often...

That weed smoking often caused me.

But I thought, Well, okay, I'm here and I don't want this girl that I care about. I don't want her thinking I'm a wuss. I want to do something about it. Let's get some weed. But She just left it to me to figure out. So we get in the cab at the port and I say, Hey, man. And he's like, What? You want weed?

That's what he said.

I go, Hey, man. That's all I said. And he goes, You want weed? I go, Yeah, how did you know? He goes, Because it's always the one taking the taxi cabs.

I always want the weed.

I was like, Good thinking. I go, Can you take us to this waterfall? But close around, is there a place where we might able to pick up some gonge? He was like, First of all, we don't call it gonge, so stop it. Just a stupid white man on another cruise ship. There's three more coming today.

I've got to deal with you guys all day long.

First of all, second of all, yes, there's a little shopping village. I'll point out which huts you can go talk to. I was like, okay. We literally get dropped off probably like a half a mile from the waterfalls. There is a shopping village off the beaten path. It's literally these thatched huts.

Oh, yeah.

There's a lot of shacks. A lot of shacks and thatched huts. There's a row of 20 on one side, 20 on the other. It's a marketplace, essentially. There's a lot of touristy bullshit, but there's also goods and services, I imagine, for the locals there. It's a good mix of locals. I'm like, I feel good about this. I'm like, okay, I think I can figure out somewhere. I can do this, Brian. I can do this.

You can do this. You can do this. You can get us high. You're good enough. You can get us high.

I'm talking myself up. I am light. I am love. I am the guy that will get some weed in a strange country without getting us arrested or killed. So he pointed out, go to the, whatever, the third hut on the left. So we go to the third hut on the left. It is like a knickknack tchatchee place, selling knickknacks and tchatchees.

Well, there's a lot of wood carving and that thing.

Some of it local, I'm sure, and then some of it shipped in from China, like we do here in the United States. All cruise ports do. I walk in, there's a guy behind the counter, a counter, a table, whatever it is. I walk in and I'm just like, I'm looking around and I'm like, I don't know what to do here. I don't know what to say. It's such a weird conversation to have. I'm like, walk up a little shyly to the table. Before I even open my mouth to say hi to the guy, he goes, You want some weed?

I'm like, Holy shit.

Yeah, they just assume.

They just assume because they know we're just dumb tourists who don't have, at that time, had no accessibility to it legally here in the United States. I say, Yes, how did you know? He goes, Oh, man, come on. He's like, I know. I know.

You're not buying any.

You don't want anything in here. You want the weed. I was like, Yeah, I do. He goes, All right, $50. Show me the money. I'm like, Now I'm trying to play it really street smart. I'm like, Show me the weed. He's like, It doesn't work that way, man. Show me the money. Show me you got cash. I don't take credit cards, right? I whip out. I probably have a fanny pack on because I'm that guy, like a bright, neon-colored fanny pack. I open it up and I pull out the 50 bucks, and he's like, Okay, man, come with me. So we go through this series of weird shacks and tunnels, right? Behind the actual façade of this marketplace. And now we're in the back, but it's all covered and thatch-tuts and all this. And I'm like, jeez. So I assume what's going on is that all of them sell weed and they all share the same weed pot to go get the weed from and then collect their money, which is great. That's a co-op. It's probably in the spirit of how things should be done. So in this one room, very darkly lit. Now, my ex is back at the front of this shack, right?

I'm now gone at least five minutes already because we had to work our way through these tunnels and huts and all this other stuff. There is a big wicker basket, the kind that a cobra would come out of in one of those weird Disney movies that are slyly racist. You know what I'm saying? It's this huge thing, and it's probably three feet high. He opens it up and he pulls out a stick. A stick, a bud.

Of weed. That's what Jeff said it was like when he went 20 years ago.

It was like two feet long.

Yeah, it was just a straight up stalk. It was it.

That's what it was.

And he's like, Here you go, man. And then he pulls out another one that's a little less big, and he goes, Because I like you. And I was like, Oh, okay, thank you. But I was actually hoping for much less weed. I was actually hoping for much less for $50. And he's like, Oh, man, no, it's Jamaica. This is how it rolls. This is how we work. Don't worry about it. Take it. I'm like, No, you don't understand. I have a Fanny pack. I'm going to a waterfall. I have no place to put this. I take out the pack of cigarettes that I have at the time, and I pull the cellophane off of it like all good half-cock drug addicts do. I just knock off a little bit of it, and I pour it in there, and then I burn the cellophane with my lighter, and I'm like, That's it. He goes, For 50 bucks? I said, Well, yeah, that's all I can carry. He's like, You You got to get smarter than that. Something like that.

He said something to me. He's like, I just offered you like half a pound of weed and you're taking a bud, a single three-inch bud? I'm like, Listen, it's just me and my girl. We're not going to toke it down that much.

He's like, Damn shame, bud. Damn shame. But what do you ever you want to do? Okay, fine. So we leave. I put it in my pocket.

You're like, I did it.

I did it. I told Julia, I came out of there with my white shirt on, my neon swimming trunks, my water shoes, which I'm sure I had on.

Yeah, because you were going to the waterfall.

I was going to the waterfall, and I was dressed for the waterfall.

I actually had cargo shorts on.

But cargo shorts, white shirt, Fanny pack or whatever I was carrying with me, and then these water shoes. I'm going to click, click, click, click, click weed.

She's like, We don't have that money. I was like, No, like 50 bucks. She's like, 50 bucks? I was like, Yeah. He offered me like three and a half feet of weed. She's like, I don't even understand what that means. I'm like, Don't worry about it. It was a crazy situation. But I got out of there with the skin of my teeth. I was brave. I was like, MacGyver, I'm going to negotiate. I was Mark Cuban down in the ditches selling something.

Well, once again, he bought high and sold low.

I bought high and I sold low. I'm the only guy in Jamaican history that walks in, gets offered a pound of weed for 50 bucks and walks away with crumbles with the shake. Keep the 50. Yeah, I literally shook the butt over the cellophane and I was like, What do you think about that?

Take that.

I think we're dumb Americans.

Then he's like, No, take it all. I'm like, Oh, actually, I can't.

We go to the waterfalls in Ocho Rios, and we have a great day. When I got to the waterfalls, they had lockers. We locked our stuff in our lockers, along with the cellophane, in my cargo shorts. We get back to the boat, and we have another three and a half, four days left on the cruise.

This was just a day stop? This is a day stop..

This was a day stop. I have to tell you, we get back on the cruise ship, or we're getting back on the cruise ship, or embarking back onto the cruise ship, and we have to take these little porter boats, right? These little tender boats. The tenders. The tenders. The guy who's navigating this tender boat, which is a Jamaican tender boat. That's how it works. They come out there, they get you. Okay, man, anything goes on in Jamaica stays in Jamaica. You know what I mean? I'm going to look away for a few minutes. Throw it out the window. You can't make it back to America.

Have a good time while you're here, but see you the next time and we'll save it for you or whatever he says.

We're sitting next to this other couple and the wife who we had been to dinner with a couple of nights earlier was like, Oh, get rid of it. Get rid of it. To her husband. And her husband's like, The fuck I'm going to get rid of it. They don't give a shit. It's an international waters. Please tell me no one smokes weed on a Jamaican cruise. Come on. I'm taking the high ground, too. And I'm like, Yeah, fuck that. I just paid 50 bucks for a pound of weed, and I got shake.

I'm not throwing it out. What are they going to do? Bust me for less than a gram of marijuana? Come on, they can't do that.

But then we get off the tender boat and I quickly realize that the security check that's going on is not the normal security It's pretty intense. They're putting people through scanners, they're padding some people down, they're opening all the bags, they're doing the whole thing. Somehow, someway, when we're standing in line, I stuffed it into my cigarette pack and then I just put I put it through the metal detector, like a dumb shit. I put it through the metal detector, and no one is the wiser. Nothing happens. And by the way, I didn't see anybody else getting busted with anything. So clearly, it was just perfunctury. Oh, we're going to make it seem like we have security here, but we know what goes on. So we get back to the room and we in vibe. I order room service, which is for you because you're on a cruise. I ordered 12 bacon, egg, and cheese sandwiches one night just for shits and giggles. I just had a grand old time. But I was only taking a half a hit, and then I would be done for the night, and then I would fall asleep having a panic attack.

Last night before we're entering American waters, and the TV pops on like it does sometimes when you're on a cruise, because the cruise director wants to tell you something having a regard at the safety, a change of plans on the trip, or whatever.

Be on alert, Brian Green.

What if it came on and then just my picture was on there?

Be on the look out for this man.

And then they have a picture of the cigarettes going through the X-ray machine? Armed and dangerous. Armed with rag weed. He needs a bag of shakes. Not even marijuana. It's a native pollen flower. It's going to kill everybody if it gets out into the air conditioning system. He's on a rampage. He didn't buy weed. He bought a poisonous fucking shrub. He's going to kill all of us. Find him. Don't approach. Let us know. So this guy comes popping on and he's Yankee fucking Doodle Dandy.

He's like, I'm so glad you had a great time on the cruise.

I have never been on a cruise. I don't know, but I'm picturing it.

It's so weird because it literally the TV pops on. They do this now, and we've been on more recent cruises, and they do this, but it comes through the intercom system.

But on this particular cruise, the TV also popped on. It's like, Hi, thanks for everybody for coming on the cruise. I'm glad everybody had a good time. Now, let's get your disembarking information. Here it goes, A through Z. Floors one, two, three. You're going to disembark at this time. Don't get your luggage, whatever it is. I just got to remind everybody, as I always do when we go down to jump. Hey, come on. I know.

We all know what Jamaica is known for.

It's known for its beauty, but it's also known for its marijuana. He's like, Listen, what you do on the cruise or while you're in Jamaica is your business. No one here is here to tell you any different. However, just know that it is a federal offense to go into US waters with any contraband inside your luggage, your person, and including your cabin. This is your opportunity. At 3:00 AM, we will cross the line back into US waters by 3:00 AM. All marijuana and all illegal substances need to be somewhere besides this ship. He's like, Don't pollute. Don't stuff up our toilets.

He's like, But you get the point. You got it.

He gives us this stern warning. First of all, I'm high. Second of all, I just ordered a lot of bacon, egg, and cheese. And third of all, I am now paranoid. I'm like, Oh, shit. I say to the girl that's with me, my ex, I say, Hey, listen, do what you're going to do now because I'm going to get rid of this. I'm going to flush it down the toilet, throw it overboard, something. I'm going to do something with it. And she's like, God, you got so goddamn paranoid. You got this much left. It's not going to be a big deal. And so whatever. She decides not to smoke anymore. I throw it down the toilet before we go to bed and flush it away, take the cellophane, put it in the trash can. I'm done. Done with it. No problem. No No fuss. Served as purpose. Next morning, wake up. We're in Port in Miami, and you will not believe what happened to us. And that's why I'm going to take a break.

You're going to have to stay tuned. You're going to have to stay tuned.

I'm going to take a break.

Then I have a funniness story to tell, too. I would love to hear it.

Okay. All right. We'll be back. What?

Oh, hi. It's Christina again, here to remind you to go to tcbpodcast. Com for all things audio, video, and T-C-B-D-O. Give us a follow on Instagram at the Commercial Break and on TikTok at T-C-B podcast. And guess what? We have a new phone number. I know what you're thinking, but I promise this is the last T-C-B phone number you will ever have to remember. So call us and leave us a voicemail or text us at 212-433-3TCB. Once more for the people in the back, that's 212-433-3TCB. Oh, and check out our YouTube channel at youtube. Com/thecommercialbreak. That's all for now. Let's listen to our sponsors and get back to the show.

Okay, so we You just made it back to Miami.

That's right. We made it back to Miami. We're disembarking as we were told to do. If anybody has ever been to the Miami, one of the Miami Cruise Port Terminals, then you'll know that what you What we do is essentially you get off at one level and then you take this incredible escalator up to the top level, or at least that's the way it was when we got off this particular cruise. You take this three-story escalator up to the top, and that's where customs and immigration and all that shit is. Even though you don't really... It's not like a super check, you have to go through some stuff. We're going up this escalator and then we're chitten and chatting, and maybe we're a little hungover and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. As we start cresting the top of it, I see what I think is a very nice-looking German shepherd with a police officer. I am blissfully unaware that you're not supposed to touch the dogs. The dog is coming toward me and I'm like, Oh, good dog. Oh, it's so beautiful.

What is that? Malamute? What is that?

I'm trying to sound professional. I'm like, Oh, my gosh, I love that dog. Christie, I am thinking nothing, nothing about anything except what a nice dog, right? The dog is pulling toward me and the officer is walking toward me. I'm like, I love I love this dog. I love this dog. I'm probably still high from the night before. Yeah, exactly.

I get down, what a beautiful dog.

I go to get down and meet it at its level like you would with a dog, right? Then the officer pulls the dog back and is like, Don't touch the dog. I was like, Oh, sorry. I'm sorry. I apologize. He was just coming toward me, so I thought I would let him know I'm friendly. He's like, Sir, I need you to come over here with me. I'm like, What? What for? I'm like, I didn't touch the dog. I never touched the dog.

I'm I was only thinking about touching the dog in my very high brain.

Did I say that out loud?

I'm like, Oh. And he's like, Sir, I need you to come over here. And then quickly, two other police officers are right behind me. They walk up and they're right behind me. They're like, Sir, come this way with us, please. And I'm like, What happened? What did I do? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to touch the dog. Now I'm all upset because they're arresting me because I touched the dog that I didn't touch. I'm like, I'm really sorry I didn't touch the dog. He's like, It's not about the dog. The dog is a narcotic sniffing dog, and he has hit on you. That's why he was coming up to you. I was like, Oh, shit. I go, Well, I don't have any narcotics on me. He's like, We'll see about that. Right. That's what they all say. Meanwhile, my ex is standing 50 feet away, and she thinks this is the best thing since Slice bread. This is hilarious to her because Brian's getting his balls busted about touching the dog. Well, she doesn't know that it wasn't about touching the dog because she's 50 feet away from me. Now I've got three police officers, and this one guy goes, I'm a US Inspector, blah, blah, blah, blah, Any drugs on me?

And he goes, Well, the dog has hit positive on you. We all know what happens in Jamaica. We all know what happens in Jamaica. And oftentimes people are tempted by some outside force to bring in narcotics on their behalf. Have you told anybody they could put anything into your bags? And I'm like, No. Meanwhile, the dog is sniffing around, right? And it keeps coming back to me, to hitting on my leg. Your leg. I keep sniffing, and I'm like, No, I didn't talk to anybody. I didn't do anything. I was never in any thatched hut being offered a pound of weed for $50. Never. I never did that. Never happened. He's like, I need you to be honest with me. This is the one chance you got. I need you to be clear with me. Did you or did you not bring back narcotics from Jamaica or any other place that you That you stopped. I said, I didn't. I swear I did not. He goes, We're getting a positive hit, sir. I'm going to have to pat you down. I'm like, okay. He pats me down the cigarettes, the lighter, the whole nine yards.

He puts it and he puts it on the table. The dog keeps hitting on me. I'm like, not like the hitting on you that was important in the '20s. It's like, he keeps sniffing my leg. I'm like, Oh, fuck, man, I don't have any drugs on me. What could possibly be the problem here? That's what I'm thinking. The officer says, Mr. Green, This is like now 15 minutes has passed and we've all been sitting there arguing about whether or not I have drugs on me. He's like, Mr. Green, one last chance. Did you go to Jamaica? Did you smoke a little bit of weed? Did you have a little bit of fun? Did you forget maybe to throw something away? I was like, I didn't. I didn't go to Jamaica for any purpose except for the waterfall. I've never been to Jamaica. I've never been to Jamaica. It stopped. I stayed in. As a matter of fact, I'm allergic to Jamaica.

I never got off the boat.

I never got off the boat at all. I never even left my room.

I don't even want to be around alcohol or gambling.

Half the ship was off limits to me. I literally went to the mess haul and back. That's it. That's it.

And so he says, Listen, the dog is highly sensitive. The dog will smell weed days after it's been somewhere. And We have to get to the bottom of this. I can't just let you go. The dog keeps hitting on you. I can't let you go. We got to get to the bottom of this. Just come on, tell me the truth. Now he's begging me to tell him the truth so he can get on to more important things in his day. He's clear he's not busted Pablo Escobar in the fucking Miami Cruise part. I'm like, All right, listen, man, we smoked a little bit of weed in Jamaica. Where did you put the weed? I said, Well, I had it in my pocket, but I got rid of it. He's like, Okay, you had it in these pockets? I'm like, Look down, and I'm like, Oh, yeah, I think I did. I go, But it was wrapped in something. And he's like, It doesn't matter. He goes, Weed smells so strong. He's like, That dog can smell that. You could wash those pants, and the dog would probably still be able to smell it. And I was like, Well, that's amazing.

Tell me more about the dog. And he's like, No, this is about you, Mr. Green.

Now, I'm trying to like...

Tell me you're trying to divert.

I know. I'm trying to do a podcast interview with him.

I'm like, Well, tell me more about this dog.

What's his name? Rudy? What a nice name for a dog. How long have you had him? Where'd you get him? Is that a rescue dog?

So he goes, Listen, Give me a second. I'll be right back. Okay, so five minutes goes by. He's on the phone with somebody. He comes back. All right, you're going to be back. You're going to get to go. No problem. I said, Okay. He goes, But my Sarge wants me to do one more thing. I'm like, What's that? He goes, I just want to do a quick body cavity search just to make sure that there's nothing anywhere where we can't see it. I'm like, You got to be kidding me. He's like, Do you swallow any drugs? I go, I didn't swallow any drugs, no. There's none of my shit are right now. I actually just pooped this morning. Everything's clean and clear down there. He's like, Well, let's run into this private bathroom. Me and another officer are going to come in there. We're going to check real quick. I'm like, Are you kidding me? Are we really doing this? He's like, Take five minutes. Now, he's convincing me that this is an okay thing to do. Like a stranger with a small child. It's okay. Come with us. I got candy.

I got candy. Come with us.

I swear to God, in the Miami Cruise Port terminal, I'm in this bathroom that is now locked with two Miami Dade, something or others, and they are looking up my ass with a flash light. Oh, my God. With a flash light. Then they do my mouth, then they're looking, doing the whole collar thing. I'm like, okay. He's like, well, I think we're going to have to let him go.

I was like, okay, I'm right here. You realize I'm right here, right? Talking to your partner like you're just sad that I don't go to jail today.

And so then I walk out and now my ex, Julia, is like, oh, my God, what the fuck is Brian gotten himself into? I come out there and I'm mortified. They just searched my asshole. She thinks this is the funniest thing that has ever happened in life. She is like, They searched your asshole? And I was like, They put a flashlight up there.

She's like, They put a flashlight in your asshole?

And I go, They didn't stick it in my asshole, but they were shining around with the asshole.

And I was like, Why do they need a flash light. It was well-lit in there. They couldn't see. They couldn't see that there was nothing coming out of my ass. Oh my God. I had a full-blown panic attack for the entire ride home. I swear to God, I did.

I was so beside myself that this happened to me, and all over a little bit of weed that I had put in my pocket. I mean, imagine if I'd come home with the entire tie stick, you know what I'm saying?

Yeah, exactly.

Like, what the fuck, Brian? What the fuck? All right, tell me your story about Jamaica.

Okay, so- Did you get your ass searched? I did not. Okay, all right. Just check. I did not.

Just check.

So we get there the first night, and we have this driver that is a friend of a friend. Okay. Some friends of ours go down there every year and have cultivated a friendship with this guy, and he's their driver and tour guide and the whole thing.

Let me say without saying to, the friend is a celebrity. It's a celebrity musician. I'm not going to say who it is, but it's a celebrity musician. Christie's really in good... Christie and Jeff are in good hands. Yes. These guys know what they're fucking talking about. They've been down there a lot. They probably played concerts there, I would imagine. Yes, they have. Okay.

So this guy that they've hooked us up with, he's never left the island. He's Jamaican, true and true, and just a great guy. Picks us up from the airport, takes us back, is showing us where different sections of places we're going through are. We had heard about this place, Presley's, to go to to eat for dinner one night. So he's like, Hey, We've got- There's a ghost moving a chair in the room.

That was weird. I don't think that's Blue. I think that's one of the young ones.

He'd ask us, we heard about this place, Presley's like, There's Presley's. I'm like, I want to go there tomorrow night because when he picked us up, he had beers for us. Wow. And joints for us. Really? Seriously? We've already been partaking on this hour and a half drive back, and I'm like, We got to go there. We got to go to Presley's. So he's like, Okay, yeah, I'll set it up for you. So the next day, well, the night before, he asked us, Do you want fish, lobster, or conk? And we were like, Oh, okay. There's three choices. Jeff is like, I'll take fish. And I said, I wanted lobster. We get there to Presley's this next night, which is just right across from our resort area, and it is a shack. A literal shack. Yeah, that's the roof, the whole thing. We walk in and our driver, our friend, is like, Hey, here's your stuff I've ordered in advance. You had to order in advance. He's a former fisherman. Wow. This guy had gone out that day and they caught it. And caught the fish?

Yes.

We sit down and we're waiting for a while, and finally we get these plates that come out. And I mean, they're two of the biggest lobster things I've ever seen. There's so much lobster.

That's amazing. Two things.

That's lovely. That's lovely. Yeah, with the rice and the vegetables and all of that. And it's delicious. And we started eating it. And I mean, so there's four parts to it because it's two that have been split open. So I'm done with just one piece. I'm like, Man, I'm getting full. I mean, it was filling with the butter and everything.

Oh, my God, I'm hungry.

I'm hungry now. You always see this dog that keeps coming up to the front of the shack, and I'm like, Oh, that dog's so cute. Like you were the German sugar. Yes. But this was not a drug-snipping dog. This was a local.

This was a lobster-snipping dog.

Yeah, exactly. The dog starts coming, and I can't help. I'm petting the dog and like, Oh, it's so sweet. And so we can't eat all the lobsters, so we're on the sly, slipping the dog.

You are feeding the dog the lobster that this guy caught in the morning for you?

And we don't want to be rude and not have- Of course. And not eat at all. But we couldn't eat at all.

Oh my God, that's too funny.

So this dog is so sweet. I'm petting the dog, petting the dog. I throw a little lobster down on the dirt floor. The dog's eating it. But then Jeff's like, Here, take this part of mine. I can't eat that. I throw it down and the dog's like, I've had too much. It just waddles away. It waddles away. I'm like, What's that dog's name? And it turns out the dog's name was White Paul. Oh, White Paul. So we loved White Paul.

White Paul.

We were getting ready to leave, and here comes our driver pulling around the front.

And White Paul is having a seizure on the ground because he's allergic to shellfish.

White Paul was okay. White Paul probably went to sleep. We come out of this place, and he's just passed out. Passed out in sleep. But meanwhile, we saw a driver coming around the side of the bin, and as he passes by in his car, he's got a joint hanging out of his mouth. I'm like, That's something you don't see every day, do you? I mean, I mentally took a picture of it. I was like, I just love this.

I mean, in LA, I think you see that quite often, actually.

So many little moments like those.

I know. I could just see this.

You just get immersed in the culture. I could just see this, Fisherman. Everybody He's so nice. They are. So nice, too.

We felt everyone that we interacted with that was so fucking cool. I could see this fisherman waking up at 3:00 in the morning, bothering his wife and his children. He's like, God damn it, more tourists.

I got to go catch a lobster today, hon. I'm sorry. Here's Chrissy, feeding the dog.

I could mean it all.

The dog ate well that night.

Yes, he did. Instead of weak. Well, good for Whiteclaw.

That was enough for White Paul, too.

I call him Whiteclaw.

His name is Michael. Well, I love that you went to Jamaica. I think that's a great thing for you.

Beautiful, beautiful. I love it. I mean, the sunsets were just amazing. Like I said, the people, the places, it's just gorgeous.

Yeah, when you're down on the ocean, when you're there at the ocean, sometimes if you're facing in the right direction, those sunsets, especially if they're coming across the sky instead of straight up or down, they can last for 30, 40, 50 minutes. Oh, yeah, definitely. We saw that in Naples is another great place to see it. Naples is, yeah. But it happens pretty quickly. It's within a 20-minute period, right? Mm-hmm. Okay, so on to Jamaica. I wanted to talk about another dog who's probably eating lobster. Do you remember a couple of months ago, maybe a month ago at this point, maybe it was a little longer than that, we did a video about the guy who was saying that he taps into his whatever chakra and then his nut chakra to get the girls to get that energy that certain women certainly want. What a riot this guy was. His name was Zahn something, and he was from the the '21 Expo or the 21 Convention or whatever it's called. I'm not going to promote him here. I'm just going to use their content. I'm not going to promote here. He was a pickup artist.

He was a pickup artist, basically. He had the most ridiculous ideas.

He was like the hippie Crystal. Yes.

He was telling you, you need to ignore your hard chakra and go for your nut chakra. He's back. This is a newer video, same company, same expo, same conference. Another year, it's clear that this is a more updated video. I found an hour long presentation that he gave on the spiritual art of seduction. You know this guy is going to give us all the wrong advice. I know that we can't go through an hour of it, but I thought maybe we could go through a little bit of it and have some fun. What do you think? I think so. All right, so here's Zahn from the '21 Convention, which I think is in some small Orlando hotel where they clearly have all the finer things in life.

Oh, he doesn't have his bun.

He doesn't. No, he's gone for- His long hair. Now he's full Johnny Depp. He is what he is. Full Johnny Depp with a black shirt with the sleeves cut off of it. Yes.

Sleeveless button up. Yes.

Button down. Button down. Button up.

Who got the sleeves out? Zahn Zahn. Zahn did. Zahn, Zahn, Zahn. Zahn, Zahn. He's got long hair.

He's got this scruffy beard going on. He's got a couple of tattoos that obviously- Black glasses.

Yeah, black glasses, tattoos that were obviously inked on him many eons Zahn's ago, and then he's got the bracelet thing going on, which Brian, I have one bracelet, he's got twelve.

But anyway, I'm just painting a picture for you there out in the podcast universe. Let's listen to what Zahn has to say about the art of spiritual seduction, which I think is different than other kinds of seduction. How? I'm not sure, but we'll figure it out.

In my 30s, because I kept going, is when the light bulbs go like every now and then. I got to, Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. I'm not getting very late all the time. I got to change up to- I'm doing it wrong. Wait a minute. These sleeves have been holding me back the entire time.

The girl said this to me. I've heard that 20 times before, and really, maybe it means this. So I started to learn. I started to get some little aha moments. I never had any...

He's getting an aha moment.

He's getting an aha moment every time a woman slaps him and gets into his brain a little bit.

Can I just say this? I don't want to body shame anybody or anything like that. But doesn't this look reserved for a certain type of muscular individual? Yeah. Don't you think? I just...

Startling epiphanies or big, giant leaps. My 30s was like small incremental light... That was back in the day before... Is it true? Before the Internet discussions.

This was back in the day before I did not a grift off you assholes.

I had no help. I had no way, nobody to look up to. I had nobody to turn to.

I had no- Nobody to look up to.

What are you doing on Forge Hand?

Just figuring out how to pick up women? No one to look up to. I know. That is the worst thing ever said about the internet. I had no one to look up to before the internet.

But you say, This is how you do it, and it's going to be okay.

This is how you do it. It's going to be okay? It's not going to be okay. Whatever he's telling you, it's wrong.

30s was starting to get some understanding because I did nothing else but try and understand the hearts and minds and arms of women.

That's all I wanted. Arms? Why?

Well, he does have a thing for arms.

A way to a woman's heart is straight to her biceps. That's what I've always said, Chrissy.

I don't know. By the way, can you imagine the poor Sap that paid $600 to show up to this convention and Zahn's up there for an hour and 15 minutes telling you about his 30s Tiffany, that women have arms?

I know.

Is when I...

The dog just... Mark, is there dogs at the '21 Convention? It's blue. Oh, it's blue? I thought it was on the... I thought it was on a video. I was like, wow, that's weird.

I get the road. I quit my corporate job. I wandered onto the Earth, carry on bag only. I traveled and I consolidated and refined and understood and conversed and Are we sure that's my dog?

Yeah. Okay. Blue, it's fuck off, man. Come on. Trying to do a show here. By the way, this is the story of every influencer ever.

Quit my corporate job, went out in the world, found- Quit the man. Through experiences, I became the Buddha that I am today.

I just can't remember- Wandering in the world with a carry-on.

With a carry-on, Drakar DeWare, and condoms that haven't been used in many decades.

Fent time trying to distill what I'd learned about the hearts of women. My 40s, I traveled and I wrote a book about it. I wrote a called The Alabasta Girl.

I wrote a book called The Alabasta Girl, and here's the link to buy it on eBay. Only used copies available because I only made five, and I used them all.Un Unbelievable.It.

Took me 10 years to write from 40 to 50. And birthday to birthday, I published on my 50th birthday. Get it out the door. Kick. And-what a great origin story.

I feel like this is Star Wars, the Clown Wars.

I feel like we're watching the bad three movies of Star Wars. Yeah.

And then-I learned about the whatever chakra.

It all came to- It all came to permission.

Why did you stop?

It feels like I've said something. I vomited something out of my system. The whole time I was writing that book for 10 years, I love books, and yet I never read another book in that 10 years. Because I would go into an airport bookstore. I'm like, I love bookstores. I would go in there and I'm like, Books, books, books. They called me.

There's nothing like a good airport.

That's right.

I love bookstores. Especially the ones with People magazine.

Yeah, and the nuts.

This guy is such a twan. First of all, second of all, I love Beethoven, but I'm not going to direct the Boston Symphony pops anytime soon. You know what I'm saying?

But I would feel...

Because you like something doesn't make you good at it.

Guilty because I hadn't finished my book.

So for 10 years, even though you're a professed book lover, you took yourself out of the book game so you didn't bother yourself about your own book. Yes.

If I had that rule about podcast, it'll be a different podcast.

I felt like I'd walk out of there. I also didn't want to shift with what I was trying to say. There was something in me that had been learned and fought for. I was in the trenches with a mustard gas flying over my head, and I wanted to describe that experience.

How hard it must be.

I was in the trenches.

I was in the bars. I was telling women they were beautiful. I was cornering them. I was using their other friends as a way to get to them. I was doing a lot of the and I just felt like in the trenches. You know, like real war, Christie.

It felt like I was getting- Or I was making any money.

Making money?

Please. Took me 10 years.

He quit his job and didn't have any book.

It took me 10 years to vomit this book up.

My life experiences, my condensed version of whatever chakras. He's vomiting. That's right.

To tell you now the secrets of women's arms, the alabaster arm.

The alabaster arm. I'm sure that's a New York Times best seller, by the way.

For 10 years, I didn't read another book. Now, honestly, guys, I feel devoid. I feel like I've... Here's my book. I'll show you.

Oh, how can Venient.

Here's my book. I'll send you. Here's my book. I'll give you a link to buy it. I feel devoid? Devoid? Is that the right word he should be using?

Devoid? Maybe.

Incidentally, I know some of you have my book. It's here.

It's called here. Here it is. The Bible we've all been waiting for, the Torah, the Dead Sea scrolls, the manuscripts from Muhammad himself. That was my vomit. And the alabaster arm made by Zan.

Alabaster girl. In Romania, where I have an apartment, I printed 2,000 of these books.

What? How is it really random?

What is this? This is a pitch for your book. It's just an hour long pitch for your book.

Romania.

In Romania, where I have an apartment.

I thought he was going to say where my book was published, but he just said we have an apartment.

That's right. In London, where I live under a bridge, I have 2,000 copies of this.

I have a thousand left. I give them away. If you I'm going to sign a copy, when I go back to Romania, I'll send it to you in the mail. Just pay for shipping.

I'll go to Alibaba.

Which is like a hundred.

79,99.

I'm shipping it from Romania. I'll give you a free book. Free book. Just pay the $627 shipping and handling from Romania.

It's the girl. Com, and I've got a thousand left. So as soon as a thousand are gone, done. But that's the book.

Wow, what a rousing success. Oh my God. I don't know if I'd be bragging about that. I made 2,000 copies. I gave a thousand away, and now you two can have one. I'll sign up for you.

That was three years ago. I published this thing on my birthday, and I haven't cracked it since.

Who cares?

Who cares? Who keeps looking at the crowd like some bit of wisdom came through there. I haven't cracked it since. I realized how terrible it was, and I decided not to go back. All right, let's take a break. We'll be back with more on in just a minute.

Well, thank the baby Jesus. Brian took a breath, and now I will use this opportunity to let you know that we've got a brand new phone number. That's right. It's 212-433-3TCB, and you can text us anytime you want, or you can call and leave us a voicemail, and we might just use your message on the show once Brian gets through all the messages he missed last year, of course. Anyway, you can also find and DM us on Instagram at the Commercial Break and on TikTok at TCB Podcast. And of course, all of our audio and video is easily found on tcbpodcast. Com. Now, I'm going to thank G one more time that we have sponsors. So thank G, and here they are.

All right, and we're back from the slightly condescending liners.

I love it.

It's like that conversation is done.

Zahn is talking about how after 10 years- He's still talking about his book. He took 10 years to write the book, and after writing the book- After three years, he's only sold half.

Yeah, he's only- Well, he didn't sell half. He gave away half is what he said. Now, you two can be the proud owner of a signed copy just by He's paying the $7,622 in shipping and handling from his apartment in Romania.

Honestly, it's everything I ever knew or learned in my entire life to that point about sexual polarity, masculine edge.

Turns out it shit.

Yeah, turns out it didn't work so well. I tried to get on the commercial break. They wouldn't even have me.

The female spirit.

The Tigress and the Euphrates. I've written about a lot, Chris.

Is he having a therapy session in front of this conference?

If this is the way that he processes information to write a book, I could see why it took him 10 years.

We're literally five minutes into this video and we haven't heard anything except for about his book.

Yeah. I feel like I'm coming on stage here. I thought for a couple of things, what can I say? The only thing I'm going to do- It's talking about how I wrote my book.

The only thing I'm going to do is show you my hairless armpits. How did that happen?

It's just like... The only thing that has interest me now is what I'm trying to understand for myself going forward, my next 50 years, my next book. Do you know if it has any...

It will take you 50 years.

What the fuck? This dude's having a midlife crisis on stage. I know. He's like, I was trying to think about what I was going to say. Then I All I care about is the next 50 years. That's all I care about. Way to be in the moment with those hard chakras. Yeah.

Any wheels for me at all. So it might be scattered and messy, and I really don't have a nice opening and crescendo.

We noticed. Right. We're on to you, Zon.

That's why successful speeches do.

You can hear the people leaving out the back of the room. I don't have it.

I'm just going to rip on a few things that I've been thinking about.

Oh, great. This is what I came here for, man. When Zahn rips, shit gets real. That's where the good stuff is. You got to listen to a lot of bullshit, but there's little nuggets of wisdom in there. Like that time he talked about the whatever chakra.

I feel like Zahn had one really nice performance with the whatever chakra thing, and now he's living off of it for the rest of his life.

We get value from it. My voice sounds a little scratchy, but oh, well.

This guy's giving a master class in speeches. Why doesn't this guy have a TED Talk? Whatever.

Besides all that...

All what? You just told it took you 10 years to write a book that never sold a copy.

You have enough information. You've been consuming information for 10 years on an average here with books, ebooks, seminars, forums, Facebook groups.

Forums. Forums.

Programs, DVDs, stuff you've done, YouTube videos.

And then we're going on to Wisconsin.

And then we're going on to Detroit. And then we're going on to Arizona.

I mean, I feel bad for anybody that has- Actually paid money to see this? Well, and that has done all of those things he's talking Books, ebooks, DVDs, I- Subreddits.

Yeah. I mean, it's just- Forums, Facebook. I get it. I get that being single is hard. It's really difficult. I understand that it does not come easy to a lot of people. There's a lot of lonely guys out there. I don't cast dispersions upon the people in the audience because they are just looking to make a connection. They need some answers. They would like something to help them get over this anxiety or crippling self-dou.

Or they paid to go to this comedy show.

Yeah, or they paid to see Zahn talk about how it took him 10 years to write a book. He's got nothing more to say. It's all in the book.

It's all you have it. You have the information.

You already have the information. By the way, thank you for spending $6,000 to come to the 21 Convention. I'm here to tell you, you already have the information. Buy my new series for 4,999 a month today.

You have it packed in your head. So you don't need more information from me.

Well, we're not getting that. Well, great. Glad I decided to show up. I could have slept in, but no, I came down here to see this asshole.

The thing I want to get, if I can tonight, and I'll try, is to get a spirit. If maybe you could feel what I've been trying to understand myself and what I'm still trying to understand going forward.

He is struggling to find stuff to talk about. This is so... This is funny. I feel like this is me when I speak sometimes. I'm like, I'm just going to disconnect.

So I'm not going to... I don't know. I'm just going It's going to wing it.

You just spend five minutes talking about how you're going to wing it. Just go ahead and wing it. We know. Fly. Fly on. Flys on. Leave the nest. Go, Little Birdy. Or maybe take tips from your own book.

Yeah. Talk about those.

That's exactly what you should... I was just thinking the same thing. Pick a chapter and start reading it. Just open it. Yes, because there's only a thousand copies left. Not everyone's getting one.

The information you have.

And what a way to think ahead to where you go to a convention where you could possibly sell those books that you have, but you didn't bring them with you.

No, you forgot to bring them with you. They're in Romania.

Well, I think he knows how well that's going to go over already.

The information age has run its course. It really has because- Oh, really?

We don't need information anymore. Well, it's course.

Information age. That's so information age.

That's so 2024, January 21st.

Because look at the misinformation that's out there everywhere now.

Yeah, you're part of the one throwing it out there.

The information age has run its course. It's overwhelmed with misinformation, and you have enough in here. Now, the only task from this time forward for the rest of your life is Focus on your dick chakra.

Cut the sleeves out of all your shirts and get to work, boys.

How to take this massive amount of information that you have consumed and to lower it down here into your heart, lower it down into your gut, and into your balls.

I'm sorry. I'm laughing like a clown. All this information in your head, push it down to your heart. Then your gut. When you're done there, push it to your gut and then right to your nutsack. That's where that information belongs. The score of the Mets Yankees, straight to your balls. Who's going to become President in your nut sack? Oh, my God, this guy.

You can feel something, right?

The one guy who's in the crowd with a trench coat, whacking off. I got the USA today down near my nuts. I'm whacking it off. I'm on a hoof post right now with my nuts A sec.

So instead of talking to him like, Hey, nice to meet you. What are you doing later? It comes from here.

Because of your balls?

It comes from your nuts. This is really where our idea about having a pair of underwear where you can just drop the little trowel.

You know how in the old cartoons, they used to have a little back flap? The old cowboys, they had the back flap on their long joints. They could just take a shit whenever. Christie and I had an idea about the DD canter, the wine tasting with your testicles, that you could just have a little flap that you would open up and then your balls would drop into the wine. But I feel like this has now got multi-purpose. I feel like along with cutting the sleeves out, you should cut a little hole out for your nut sac to drop when you're talking to ladies.

And absorb information.

Hey, ladies. I've got some information for you, but it's down here.

Hey, I'm just going to say, I like girls and you look like one. That's all I know.

Just saying.

Oh, my God.

Comes from here.

By the way, that room sounds packed.

Yeah.

That's like a TCV audience right there. I shouldn't make fun because I'm not sure we could fill the room either.

There's something that downshifts into your body. If you're hanging out with me ever, I'm like, Hey, joke, joke, fun, talk, talk, blah, blah, blah.

Are you? Fun, fun. Are you, though?

Because you're not driven straight.

If you ever hanging out with me, you're like, Fun, fun, laugh, laugh, talk, talk. Can you pick up the bill? Do you have a couch? I could stay on.

I just have a carry on.

I one time almost had a wife.

Talk, talk, blah, blah, blah. I'm like anybody else. As soon as there's women, something in me downshift.

Into my nuts. I can feel it.

Into my nuts. I feel like this is an episode of The Office where Michael keeps saying That's what she said.

That's my joke. Damn it, Dwight.

And there's something in me that... It's like, what's this shape?

A triangle?

What's that video game? Mortal combat. What? And it's actually something that is shape charged for her. That's right. You felt that. I get it. I'm over here with my buddies.

That's what you're going to go.

That's the way you feel with a girl?

You're saying that I should envision myself as a mortal combat character throwing laser beam, whatever, through my dick chakra across the room? Yeah.

You're not going away. There's something in... If you can catch a glimpse or catch the spirit of that. Get it out of your head. We're all in our head. You get a negative thought. Let's say you go to a party. I feel like this is a guy who just tripped on ayahuasca but isn't really sure how to explain what he just saw.

So he's like, If you can just imagine it, just imagine it. What? What do you want me to imagine?

You don't know anybody there. But you want to be interesting and kind and cool school and interact. And so you're like, get out of my nerve, get in state. I'm going to talk to this girl over here. Hey, what are you drinking there? Whatever you say. And she's like, Don't touch my drink.

She walks away.

She says, Leave me the fuck alone.

Oh, my God.

And now you get in your head, you get this negative thought in your head that says, Well, that sucked.

Just like this speech.

She just reinforced that I suck. You get this negative thought that circles around your head. It's like a bee. If you have one bee circling around your head, it's a nuisance. It makes sense. If you have three or four, that's your whole world.

You haven't washed yourself in a while.

You need to put some phenol so soon in that air, which is true of Zahn.

You have three or four bees circling around your head. It doesn't matter what else is going on. That's the only thing you can think about or concentrate on is that. And these bees circling around your head, and these thoughts build upon the thoughts. And then you think, well, yeah, I'm not interesting enough, obviously, and I don't know anybody here, and this is stupid, and I feel awkward. And the thoughts, the negative thoughts-Let's give credit to where credit is due.

Zahn is saying something that makes sense here.

It's like if you're in your head and you're at a bar and you're trying to find a romantic connection or wherever it is at a place, and all you can think about is how miserable you actually are and how that's crippling self doubt and the anxieties.

Well, that you do have to get out of your head a little bit, but not into your ball sac. Like, leave it somewhere between your belly and your chin. Right, Blue. Got it.

Thoughts, stop, jump on top of each other and accelerate and accelerate. And this sworn of bees goes around your head and you can't escape it. There's a whole doctrine out there that says, Oh, change your thoughts. Your life will change. Change your thoughts. You can't. Those thoughts are faster than you are.

You can't. You're narrowly fucked. I feel like this guy is like the miserable Wayne Dier. I know. Dressed all in black, shows up, kicking his feet. You suck. I suck. I took me 10 years. Change your thoughts. You can't. You can't. You literally are doomed to die like this.

You can't outrun the bees. They're circling perfectly, and if you're running as fast as you can, they're still circling perfectly.

It seems like that resonated with the crowd.

They were all like, I actually paid money to feel better about myself, I was hoping.

Can't I run it? So?

Don't read my book. The Anabaster.

I can. I can't bear to open.

I can't look at it. It's a sign of my abject failure. It's how I feel about the commercial break sometimes. I'm like, I don't want to turn it on.

How then do you take this knowledge you have in your head and downshift it into your body? To your pulse. To your pulse. So that now you're speaking from the way you feel as opposed to speaking from the way you think. I feel this. That's all I know. Just saying.

Just saying, my balls are rock hard for you.

No, it's like an anchor man, Ron Burgundy.

He is like Ron Burgundy. I don't know what to say.

I'm in my head, so talk to my balls.

My balls are literally on fire for you. This is like a bad episode of The Office.

How do you downshift it? That's a good question. He's a wealth of information.

He knows it all. He really does. All right. I feel like we're going to leave it on a punchline because it seems like Zahn is having a breakdown there, alive in front of four people. Poor guy. I feel bad for him. I'm like, well, Zahn.

Hey, you chose the profession.

That's all I got to say.

Dude, come on, man. It sounds like you actually are on to a little bit of self-awareness here. If you could just use your powers for good, not for teaching guys how to use their dick chakra to attract women from across the fucking room with their mortal combat zizas or whatever the fuck you're calling it.

Just saying. Just saying. I'm just saying. That's what she said.

Oh, well, you know. What are you going to do? Takes all kinds, Chrissy. It does. That's what I've always said. That's what I always will say. I don't know why.

He just was providing no real information.

There was no information. We garnered no information from that, except maybe toward the end where he realized Zahn might be coming up a little bit. But that's okay. I wish him the best. I really do. Zahn, come on the commercial break. We'll talk this through. We'll talk it through. I extend you an invitation. The one and only poi that I extend an invitation to is you and possibly Adam, the liar. But I'm bringing you on for two different It's Adam going right to Adam. You, I might take a little more tack because it seems like you need some help.

I don't have any help to give you, but I just think it'd be funny to talk about it on air. All right, tcbpodcast.

Com. That's where you go. You find out more information about the show Chrissy and I. You can watch all the video, listen to all the audio. It's right there, all at one location, tcbpodcast. Com. We'd also like you to avail yourself of our 2,000 copies of books that took us 10 years to write. It's called the Pigy Frunting Sticker. We've got some left. So if you'd like one, then go to the website, hit the Contact Us button. Drop down menu says, I'd like my free sticker, and then leave us your physical address. We will also sign that for you. Look, there's a lot of parallels between us and on, I feel like. This show is mainly me having a midlife crisis talking shit, and we give away free shit. So do that on the website. 212 433 3TCB. That's 212 433 3TCB. Questions, comments, concerns, content, ideas, text them or use a voicemail at the Commercial Break on Instagram, TCB podcast on TikTok and youtube. Com/what? The Commercial Break. All right. Thanks, Doc Phil.

I appreciate it. I know.

That's a great one.

Okay, so that is definitely all I can do for today. I think so. But I'll tell you that I love you. I love you. I'll say best to you. I'm best to you. I'll tell the audience best to you out there in the podcast universe. And then without further ado, we must say, we will say, and we're going to say, goodbye.