Macaroni with a chicken strips.

On this episode of the commercial break, I don't know whether to feel offended, like it's my fault she had to wear gloves. Like, she. She assessed me at some point. Maybe that's what the light was about. Maybe it's a special light. And they put glass. Yeah. In the lobby and they put glasses on and they can see the level of guzz you have on you.

She had to work herself. This light is revealing.

God damn, this guy is fucking old white guy. The next episode of the commercial break starts now. Welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the beautiful co host of the commercial break, Kristen Joy. Holy.

Best to you, Kristen Bestie, Brian, and.

Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Well, as we are recording this, it's official. The Taylor Swift Super bowl is over. So we can all move on with our lives now.

Yep.

And there you go. That's all I gotta say. Great game. Congratulations to Patrick Mahomes and the rest of the team.

Yeah. Overtime. Only the best boyfriend.

He did a good job. Yeah. Wow. Only second time has been into overtime. 7th longest game in NFL history. I'm just repeating facts that I heard somebody else say. So if I'm wrong, fuck you. All right. Got it. And a dynasty well underway. I do have to say, while I'm not the biggest watcher of NFL football, I like college much better. I like college much more. What a game.

You can't argue.

It was a good game. Yeah. Fun to watch.

And I loved Usher. I'm an usher fan. And he brought the ATL.

That's not usher. But anyway. Yeah. Okay. It was a fine performance. And they automatically ranked at number seven out of the top 35.

All right.

That AV club did. And then I was rolling through them last night after the game, and I was like, oh, okay. I forgot that some of these people even played the Super bowl. Like, why in the fuck did black eyed Peas play this fucking Super bowl?

They were really big for one point.

I'm sorry, but I have to shout this out. And this is Brian's opinion that she's a Terrible singer.

Fergie.

Fergie. She's terrible live. I mean, maybe in the studio she's okay. And some people are like that. I guess you get a little nerves or you're dancing around and it's hard to control your voice or whatever, but going back and that thing, plus, in.

The studio, you've got help.

Yes. Auto tune.

That's right.

And I watched that performance and that aged like cream in my cereal. I mean, honestly, it was terrible. Flashes up there. Remember, they did the. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Sweet child of my.

I was like, oh, my God. How fucking horrible can you be? Terrible. She's like, grinding up against at slash, and I'm like, just felt bad. This is like pre guns n'Roses reunion tour, and it's. Yeah. And they named prince number one halftime show of all time. And you cannot argue.

You cannot argue that raining during when he's playing purple rain.

I know. It was amazing.

He was just the greatest. I loved him.

I think the guy from whoever was writing guy or girl who was writing the blurbs for Av club was like, at his best. Prince was the best. And this is Prince at his best.

Exactly.

And I agree. Yeah. If you don't get chills watching that performance, and it's at the fucking Super bowl, you should not get chills at the Super bowl halftime show. It's a know, overblown, big, pregnant fucking show. The show of all shows. But Usher did a good job, and.

He brought out a lot of superstars. Another talk of the whole thing, I was not impressed with the commercials.

No. I didn't find any of them particularly interesting.

No, I mean, the one with Michael Sarah, I thought was pretty funny for the lotion. Cerevy.

All right.

But if that's the funniest one, pretty know.

There are good years and bad years, and some people get really creative.

Tons of celebrities were in all of them, but none of them were particularly good commercials. I was expecting more.

Not at all. I didn't find anyone stood out. And now I only watched really most of the second half. And I'll tell you why I watched most of the second half and not the first half. Because I got a massage while the Super bowl was going on.

Good for you.

I was in a terrible way. My back's killing me. And I'm like, I'm all twisted up. And so Astrid, my wonderful wife, is like, you need you to shut up. So I'm going to get you a massage. And she's like, it's your early Valentine's Day present.

Yeah.

And I was like, okay, thanks, babe. And she's like, they have 07:00 tonight. And I think to myself, Super bowl or massage? I'm on my way to the massage. I don't care. The first half, I didn't plan on watching a whole bunch of it anyway, but I caught the whole second half, and I was glad I did because it was a really exciting two quarters of football. Anyway, so I go to this massage place. Now, let me talk about my massage experience because I think it's really important out here in the commercial break. Not going to give the name of the place. I'm sure that there are lovely people over there. But I go to the massage place and it's in one of these strip malls, like a lot of massage places are, right. It's in one of these strip malls close to the house. And it's new and it's been recommended to us by, oh, other people that we know. They say, oh, you got to go here. It's great. It's wonderful. It's new fangled. And I'm like, love the vibe in there. And I'm like, okay, vibes. I like the vibes. When you go over a massage, you want vibes, right?

Okay.

Calm vibes.

Yeah. I want calming vibes. But I could use a little charisma. I like a little riz. I'm trying to be cool with the kids. I like a little riz in my whatever. So I show up, it's 07:00. The game is already underway, and no one is parked out front. Obviously, it's just me and I'm assuming the masseuse and then the person who works up front, the lady who works up front. But that's kind of what I expected. Whatever. So I walk into this place and it's this huge lobby. And minimalist is not even close to the word that I would use to describe what is going on in this lobby. It is a standalone desk sitting there with the person greeting you and hello, welcome to whatever. And how are you doing? Yes, I'm Brian. I'm here for my 07:00 p.m., okay, no problem. There are bathrooms right there. Two doors in the lobby that are bathrooms. This huge lobby.

Yeah.

And then feel free to take a seat of which there is one chair. One chair in the entire lobby. Not a magazine, not a book, not a nothing to be found. It's just one chair with like, the.

Room and a chair and a desk.

Huge lobby. Yeah, I mean, we're talking like, I don't know, 30ft by 60ft. Huge lobby, a chair, a desk. That's it. That's all we got, right? No music playing, nothing. Quiet as a goat. Quiet as a mouse in there. And I'm like, okay, all right. This is a vibe, certainly. And there's one like, pendant light hanging over the chair. So I go and I use the restroom, which is lovely. Okay, restroom, whatever. And then I sit down in this chair. Which is one of these new fangled pottery barn bullshit chairs where you, like, sit. It's one piece of leather. It's like a leather strap. Do you know what I'm talking about? Like one leather strap. Slippery, slidy. And then when I sat down, I expected to sit, but then I fell down into the chair. I'm like, my butt is literally a couple inches from the ground. And now I'm like, how the fuck am I going to get up out of this chair?

And you have the spotlight on you.

And I have the spotlight on me. So I feel like it's dark in there. So there's a vibe going on. And now I am under investigation for being the creep who comes on Super Bowl Sunday at 07:00 p.m. You know what I'm saying? I'm like, oh, shit. So I get there at 650 for my 07:00 p.m.. Appointment. I sit down and I check the watch, and I'm like, okay, 652. I guess they'll take me back to the changing area, the locker room, whatever you want to call it. That's what I'm accustomed to in any spa I've ever been to is like, you go into an area, you have a little bit of privacy, you change, maybe you put on a robe. Right? Okay, so on occasion, I did have to say this. On occasion, I have changed in the actual massage room, but not very frequently.

Right.

So I'm sitting in this chair under investigation, and the girl who's on the very opposite end of the lobby is not saying a fucking word. I'm just sitting there, no phone or anything. And I mean no phone because I didn't turn it on. And I'm just sitting there thinking to myself, okay, well, I guess I don't have a lot of time to warm up. I'll just hang out here in my leather strap, and somebody's going to start asking me questions any minute, I guess. 72757. These are the times when I'm watching the, and I'm like, here's what you got to understand. When I get there, they have a menu on the back behind the lady, right? This menu written in leather strap or whatever, burned into a leather strap. I guess that's the vibe. Yeah. Calligraphy, right? And it's like, nonmembers pay this, members pay that, and as soon as I see that, I'm like, oh, shit, here comes the sales pitch for the membership that I don't need, that I don't want. I've never been here before. I'm not going to buy a membership. I don't know what's going on in here. It could be fucking Jack Shack.

Not good, not great.

Yeah. And then they have all these add ons, hemp, CBD oil special doggy bow, sunshine rainbow yoga massage and extra $80. And I'm like, so she's like, well, thank you. So it's your first time here. You get 30% off your brand new, any of the add ons. And she's like, would you like hot stone? Would you like CBD? Would you like morning oil? Would you like the gushy smooshies? And I'm like, massage. Like, I just want to massage.

Right?

Use a little pressure, make me feel better. How's that?

What do we do about those hot stones before? And that wasn't my thing.

Well, that's what I go for. Because you did go well after because I had like a certain amount I felt obligated. I was using a gift card too. Yeah, I felt a little obligated because I thought, well, I'm going to have to give a tip. And then that's uncomfortable. No one carries cash anymore. It also is 2024. I'm sure they can figure out how to ring up a tip when adding something. But I had a certain amount of credit to use because it was my first time there and I thought, well, I may never be back here, so I might as well use the credit. Ended up paying $10 for the hotstone thing. All right. Okay. So now we're at 711 and no one has come to greet me yet. And the lady is just sitting there. And so I'm like, I think the appointment was at seven. Do I just wait here for the, I'm trying to not be rude about it.

Right, move things along.

Oh, I'm sure she'll be here in just a minute. I saw her in the back earlier and I'm like, oh, okay, thanks for the update on where my massage therapist is an hour ago. I need her here now. Is it possible that you check now where she is? Because according to the schedule, she's supposed to be here with me. Like, I shouldn't be here. I should be there. Yes, that's what I'm thinking.

But I'm like, okay, definitely not sitting in a strap in the lobby.

No, I don't even know how many get up out of the strap now. I really feel like something's going amiss. I'm under investigation on a leather strap in the lobby because I didn't buy the membership or whatever. I got this whole pitch about the membership. I'm like, listen, I appreciate the membership thing, but sure, let me give it a try a couple of times, and then if I like it, then we'll go. I'm fussy. You don't want to get into it with me. Also, I should say this. So when she made the appointment, when asked her made the appointment, she gave her my commercial break email address, okay? Which is kind of for me, like, when I do service related things, I don't want to give my commercial break email address because all it takes is a little bit of googling to figure out who I am and how important I might be. Do you know what I'm saying? It actually might be the first time anybody recognizes anything. But I get a little nervous because if I give a review, then I get concerned that someone can easily hear it and they can trace it back.

Yeah, but I don't know what I'm fucking talking about. Who cares? So, 712, my massage therapist decides to appear out of some huge farmers door. Sliding farmers door decides to appear.

The barn door. Yeah.

And she comes out. She's right near the desk. She comes out, lovely, I'm sure, lady. And she just stands there like this. Standing there, just looking around. And I'm like, she looks like a massage therapist. She got that oil thing on the side, you know, where you would normally carry a gun. She's got an oil holster. So I'm like, oh, good morning. Who is that? That's so weird. So I'm thinking to myself, okay, all right, this clearly is my lady because there's no one else here. Like, is she just standing there, Chrissy? A good 60 seconds, no one said anything, really. And then I go, are you looking for Brian? There's anybody else in the lobby, right? There's no one right here. Under the light in the strap, the only chair in the place. There is nobody else parked outside. It's me, Brian.

I can't believe you had to ask her.

And then she goes, Mr. Green? And I was like, yes, Brian Green, that's me. And she goes, I'll be taking you for your appointment now. And I was like, oh, thanks. 15 minutes late. I appreciate it. Let's go back now and do that.

Yeah, I'm ready.

Let's go ahead and get that started. Now that we've wasted two minutes staring at each other, let's go ahead. Why not? So now I go through the sliding glass door or the sliding door, and then big wooden sliding door. Barn door. Thank you. And then I walk into what I can only describe as like a mud room. Like a mud room for a house.

Okay.

It's got hooks, a big bench, but it's a big bench. It's probably like 20ft long. Big bench, hooks and then towels everywhere. So I think to myself, oh, this must be the changing area. There's a lot of room for a lot of people to be changing at the same time. But thank God I'm the only one here. I guess I'll just change right here.

Yeah.

So here I am getting ready to take my belt off because I think this is the changing area. And she's like, take a seat. She sits down and she taps the bench and she's like, take a seat. And I'm like, oh, okay. And I put my belt back on. I'm like, oh, okay, sorry. I thought this is where I get naked. Sit down on my lap. She says, let me get to know you a little bit in your massage history. And I'm thinking to myself, oh my God, come on. Do we have to do this whole thing? My massage history is I know how to get a massage.

Yeah.

I lay there, you do it. That's it.

What else do we need to know about my massage history? Yeah. The most people need to ask really, is are there any special spots that are.

That was part of the twelve question interview that I did there sitting in the mud room of this fucking place. And are you any spots? She's speaking so softly, it's like a little bit hard to hear her. And I'm wondering, is this like her normal tone of voice or is she trying to start the vibe? Does the vibe start here? Still very open minded, I think. Okay, a little bit of a rough start. But now here we are. We're getting into the action.

We're at least on the way.

Yeah, we're on our way back to somewhere where I might be getting massaged before they close at 08:00 p.m.. Oh, I forgot to tell you. When she asked about the add ons, they had like, add 30 minutes, right? This much money. And I said, oh, can I just add 30 minutes? I would do that. And she's like, well, I would, but we close at 08:00 so we can't actually do that.

Okay.

And so by the time now it's 716. And I'm like, well, jesus, now we got 45 of the 50 minutes I'm supposed to get left, right? Let's get it. So I'm answering the questions quickly. I'm like, yes, no, maybe. So just stay away from my dick and everything's okay. All right, here we go. All right, ready?

Can I take my pants off now? Yes.

Now can I undress? And so I was like, is there a robe or something? She goes, oh, no, back at the room. And I was, oh, okay, back at the room. I got it. Ten four. I'm cool. I'm happy with the new place, the new thing. All right, Chrissy. Another huge sliding door. We go through this huge sliding door. And now imagine a football field sized room. I'm not even kidding you. Huge.

And this is in a strip mall. Did you realize it was this big from the outside?

Certainly it was a football field. The building was. But I didn't realize how big the room was going to be. Right? It was huge.

Like your massage room.

No. Okay, so just imagine one big from.

One room to another room. Now you've entered another.

Now I've entered another room. That is, the room itself is huge. It's got a hallway in the middle. Then it's got these two beams that just run. I want to say football field. It's probably 50 or 60 yards, maybe. It's not a full football field, but it's huge. It's got these two beams that run the length of the room down the hall, this pretend hallway that they've created. And then there are canvas sheets separating the rooms. Canvas sheets as the doors to the rooms. Canvas sheets that you can see through. Because I can see through the canvas sheets. I can see the lights. I can see the tables.

It is very definitely different.

Weird. And these rooms don't go to the ceilings. They're literally hanging by these beams. These canvas sheets are separating everything. It's like cubicles for massage.

Yeah.

And so now I'm like, oh, yeah, okay, all right, whatever. I don't want to hear somebody next to me getting massaged, but. Okay, well, I guess that's what's going to happen.

Yeah. I've made it this far.

I've already paid. I'm done. I've already gotten a thank you text message from the place, and I haven't even gotten the fucking massage yet. That's the other thing. Let's calm down on the text message and start worrying about the actual experience, okay? I don't need twelve text messages reminding me of how many things I can buy from your place. So in this place, there is extraordinarily. In this room, there's extraordinarily loud ocean wave music playing. Ocean wave sounds playing, right. Not in the.

Yeah.

The same exact ocean noises that I use to put my children to sleep. I cannot avoid it. And it's everywhere. It's in my house, it's outside. Now. I've got it at the massage. And there's no, like, hey, can you turn on some gentle music? Some of that japanese massage music that makes me so happy when I get a massage. I love that shit. Just play that and I'll fall asleep and you can just massage me. So there are, I don't know, 30 rooms on each side. 30 rooms on each side. It's huge. And she takes me to, like, basically the last one. So we got to walk a mile down there. Now it's like 722. Right before she opens up this big canvas sheet as if I'm in the fucking Lawrence of Arabia or something, swings open these sheets, and there it is. Massage table, little light basket. There it is. I'm thinking to myself, well. And then I look to each side because canvas sheets are separating us. I look to each side and I.

Can see the other room.

Each side. I could see right through the canvas. And I'm like, I don't know what I want to get changed in here. I mean, I'm only going to my underwear, but even that, no one wants to see that. What if a picture gets out there on the Internet? TCB host flashes massage parlor. I don't know. You know what I'm saying? I don't know what's going down. Yeah. The only good news is all the paparazzi was in Vegas. I felt comfortable. Paparazzi? Well, yeah.

And were there even any other customers?

Well, I'll tell you there were, and I'll tell you how I knew this. Okay.

Because you could see them.

Yeah, see them. You could hear them. Well, I had my face down, so I couldn't see anything except for the floor. By the way, the massage therapist is nice enough, right? She's doing the do. She's not bad. She's not mean. She's just there. You know what I'm saying? She's being nice enough. You don't have any room to complain about what's going on. But there's no, like, I don't know. There's no vibe coming from my massage therapist. I'm just like, okay, here we go. I guess we're going to do this.

Yeah.

So we get in the room and she's like, okay, Mr. Green, do you mind if I massage your glutes? And I'm like, oh, sure, yeah, go ahead, massage my glutes. Any glute massage will be over the sheets and only on the side of the glutes. And I was like, well, don't get angry with me, because I answered yes. He, like, snapped back, letting me know that I wouldn't be getting a prostate massage. And I'm like, okay, don't get mad at me.

Well, I just answered your question. Okay, let's get started.

Chrissy, why don't we? It was really uncomfortable. And I was like, well, we don't have to do the saying. You asked. I answered, why are we all upset now? All right, and I'm sure you want to hear the rest of this story that I'm sure will take up a majority of this episode, but we got to break it up into pieces because that's how we pay the bills. We'll be back.

What? Oh, hi, it's christina again, here to remind you to go to tcbpodcast.com for all things audio, video, and TcBdo. Give us a follow on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTok at Tcb podcast. And guess what? We have a new phone number. I know what you're thinking, but I promise this is the last TCb phone number you will ever have to remember. So call us and leave us a voicemail or text us at 212433 TCb. Once more for the people in the back. That's 212433 TCb. Oh, and check out our YouTube channel@YouTube.com, thecommercial break. That's all for now. Let's listen to our sponsors and get.

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Now we've got to get a glute massage.

About to get a glute massage. But only on the outside and only over the sheet, right?

Of course.

So she says there's a little basket.

Keep it professional. As is evidenced by the sheets to say, exactly.

You're paying $10,000 a month in rent, but you can't afford a room. Walls, that's all I'm asking. Can a guy get some walls? I don't even care about the separators. Okay, if you don't have enough to take it all the way up to the 20 foot ceiling, I get that. But can we get like 10ft of wall and then we can just leave the rest open?

Yeah, you know, they probably started building it out and they're like, rooms are expensive, these walls. You know what we can do?

You know what we do? I think in my grandma's basement.

Yeah, exactly.

She's hoarded 30 years worth of canvas from World War II when she was a Betty boop maker or whatever they called those ladies that were stitching together the clothing. Those women who really won the war.

Right?

I've got canvas all over the place. We'll just take some canvas and drop it to the floor.

We'll call it a vibe.

It's a vibe.

It'll be unique.

Now I'm really mad at the person who's recommended this place because I'm like, what the fuck is going on in here? This ain't a vibe. This is the anti vibe vibe. There's no vibe going on here? I've had vanilla ice cream with more vibe. You know what I'm saying? I'm upset now. I'm angry, and I'm going into the massage heated, and that's not a good thing. So we get through the glute, okay, here's a basket for your clothing on the floor. And I'm like, okay. And she goes, disrobed to your level of comfort. And I'm like, well, at this point, you've already alerted me that there will be no touching whatsoever. So my level of comfort. What's your level of comfort? It's really the question. Yeah, I don't want to answer this one wrong.

You tell me what to do here.

Are we going over the shirt? Under the shirt. I feel like I'm in third grade. Under the bra. Over the bra. How do we do this? It's whatever your level of comfort is. Is that about me? I want to touch your boobs, but I don't want to make a wrong move here. I'm young in my little career. I don't want to make a mistake. Anyway, so she leaves the sheet. She leaves the sheet. Not the room, the sheets. She leaves the fort, the kids fort we've built. And now she's like, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm like, what are you going to do? Knock on the sheet? What do you do? Ring a bell? I'm not sure. I don't know. So I disrobe to my underwear because I never go full naked. I've only done that a few times, and I just find that it's a little presumptuous, I think. Especially, like, if it's your first time with a massage therapist. We have a massage therapist friend that we know.

Right.

And I know her well enough that I know she's going to do my glutes and she's not going to get weird about it. So I'm okay. Going full butt. Okay. So now she says, okay, lay down. I should share with you that when the massage therapist asks what kind of pressure and what kind of massage or any areas you'd like to focus on, I always say the following. Listen, I love a good full body massage, but if you could spend some time on my back, that's what I really.

Back and shoulders. Back and shoulder as me, please.

I like the full rub down. Sure, right? I like a good rub and tug just like everybody else.

What if you said, really need to focus? My glutes.

My glutes. The inside of my glutes. Please. Over the sheets is fine.

It's really sore. Right in between my sheets.

You know where your butt meets your asshole? In the taintiest area. The gluteus taintiest. My prostate is killing me. Sick to me. And my balls are on fire. You knock those around for a couple of minutes. I don't care. Over the sheets, under the sheets. I'm just happy someone's touching it besides my urologist. Go ahead. I got to give a donation in a couple of days. You mind jazzing those bad boys up a little bit? Let's wake them up. So, okay, you said the back. Focus on the back. Like, you know, give me a. Give me a little bright breeze across everything else. But then let's just. Now that we have five minutes left of the massage, if you don't mind focusing three of those on my back, I would appreciate it. It's so stupid. When I think about it, I'm like, it's unbelievable. I got a twelve minute massage. I paid for 50. All right. So she says, lay down, get undressed. Lay down.

Face down. Yeah. Okay.

So that's what I do. I get undressed down to my underwear. I lay first. Face first. There is a sheet on the table, by the way, the sheets were the most comfortable sheets I have ever laid in. I do have to say this. I do have to give this place one props. They did not scrimp on the sheets because the sheets were super comfortable.

That's good.

But then they had one of these bare skin rugs on top. Faux bare skin rugs on top. And then the table heater was on. I should mention that in Atlanta, it's not particularly cold right now. It's like 67 degrees in the afternoon and probably 55 at night. It's not freezing in this place. It's nice. Ambient temperature, 68, 69 degrees, whatever it is. But the heater on the table is cooking me like an egg.

And you've got a fair skin on top.

That's right. Whatever remaining sperm I have in my vasectacles, they're boiling now. My balls are hanging off the table because they're so warm. You know how testicles, they go up when it gets cold and down when it gets warm? That's how they regulate temperature, which is an amazing thing, by the way. The body is an amazing thing. My balls are rolling off the table. It's so hot. I'm like, okay. All right, here we go.

Here they are. For easy access.

Here you go. They're right down by my feet. While you're massaging my feet. Get those twiddle twangles hanging down there. Just throw them back up on the table. They'll be fine. You know those ones that hang off the back of the trucks? That's what it looks like, yeah, just toss those back up on the table. Okay. So after a few minutes, she pokes her head in the sheets, and she's like, Mr. Green, are you ready? And I'm like, yeah, you can speak up. I can't hear you. Please. I don't understand what you're saying a lot because you're very, very quiet. But now I'm going to tell you why I think she was. So I get down, I'm just laying there. And so she's doing this whole dance around the table. She's, like, moving the sheet, adjusting the sheet, putting the bare skin rug on the top of my head. I mean, she's, like, all over the place. She pulls the bare skin rug up to the top of my neck like this. And so all that's exposed is the top of my head. And I'm like, what is going on here? What are we doing?

I've never had a massage like this, but I'm still a little bit open minded. A little bit open minded.

Closing.

Yes, it's closing quickly.

It was open.

You remember the end of Star wars where he had to get those two shots right inside just to blow up the Death Star? That's what I feel like has to be done right now by anybody at this place to make me feel a little bit better about what's going on. This must take, like, a full minute and a half. She's just, like, circling the table, adjusting the sheets, and I'm like, oh, my God. Why are we wasting so much fucking time on the sheet? I'm fine. I'm hot. So I tell her, I go, hey, excuse me, could you turn the table heater down a little bit? She goes, oh, it's uncomfortable, and it's a little bit warm with the sheet and the blanket and then the whole thing. So if we could just turn the table down so at least it's not 99 degrees in here under this sheet. Now I'm feeling like I'm hot boxing. And so she says, sure, I'll turn it down a little bit for you. Okay, great. Go back to that later. So now she says, chrissy. She gets right in my ear because I'm looking down at the floor, and I can see her.

You know, you're kind of hearing what's going on. You're trying to be spatially aware of what's going on. I'm wondering if. Am I going to be touched at any point? Or is this just it? They just throw a bare skin rug on you, dance around the table, hope you have a heat stroke and forget about everything. So I can see her feet under the table, and she bends down and she's like, Mr. Green in my ear, Chrissy. Right in my ear. And I'm like, this is ASMR bullshit. What is this? And she's like, we have free lavender scent therapy. Is that okay with you? And I'm like, yes. I speak loudly just to let her know that we freaking have an adult conversation in the room. Do you know what I'm saying? I don't like when people whisper and my ears are super sensitive to touch and stuff. And I was like. I just like, yeah, I'm kind of like. I want to push her away. Don't get so close. So she goes, okay, now listen to this. This is the weirdest thing that has ever happened to me. And I understand. Safety first. I get it, I get it.

Safety first for the masseuse and for me. We all understand, right? We've laid the ground rules. There's going to be no touching around any buttocks area disrobed to your level of comfort, which means keep your clothes on and I'm going to pull the sheet over your head so I don't actually have to look at you. Okay? Got it. Ten four. I understand. I hear what you only hear in a doctor's office.

Gloves.

Fucking latex gloves.

Really?

And I am like, under the table. You should see my face. My mouth is full, open. I'm drooling now. I'm like, water is coming out of my mouth.

Oh, my God.

I want to see something.

Had the gloves before.

I don't care if you have herpes of the hand. You stay home that day. I don't care if I have to go a million and a half miles away from my house to get a massage from a massage therapist who will not use gloves. I've never had that the same.

No, it's not.

Chrissy, I'll say this right now, and it's important that we use protection, but having a massage with gloves on is like having sex with a condom on. It's not the same, okay? It's what you have to do. And I get it. I understand, right? You use condoms because you don't want to spread diseases and get people pregnant unintentionally.

But the hands. But the hands and in a massage.

Are an important part of the whole deal. I want to feel the human touch. It's like sometimes there's magic energy that comes through those hands. Some people are really good at this. I don't care who you are. Black, white, big, small, tall, short, whatever. I want to feel some human touch and I want you to apply that pressure. It feels so weird to be massaged with gloves on.

Yeah. I mean, it's basically just sliding oil around.

There's no sliding of the oil. Because whatever they put on there, that walnut dust or whatever it is, the fucking shit that the gymnasts use.

Yes.

They smack their hands and shit comes flying everywhere. I felt like I was getting massaged with that. Not with oil, but with, like, dust. It was so weird. And the whole time it sounded like someone was having sex in my ear. Like, yeah. So I'm like, oh, my God. Did that lady just put on gloves? And sure as shit she did. Because when she went to do the lavender and take three deep breaths. Wait, is three a fucking magic number that's supposed to make me feel better about this massage? She's waving her hands in front of me like this. You know what I'm saying? With that massage oil. And she's got big.

Yes.

She's like waving it into my face. Now I realize most people probably have their eyes closed at this point. Not me. I am fully awake.

I am ready usually, too. They do something to where you can smell it when you're laying down. Yeah, they put a little something, like a tissue.

Like a tissue or a cup or.

A cloth or something with the oil in it.

She just put it in her hands and just wafted it at my direction. I didn't even smell it. And I could smell everything. I don't even know what was going on. I have no idea. Like these hands in front of my face, wasting another minute and a half of my life. And now I'm down to eleven minutes for the massage. So she folds back the bear skin, but not the sheet. Just the bear skin, not the sheet. And I am like Jesus fucking Christ on a cross at this point. Could we please, for the love of all that's holy, get around to the action, please? I am not having this. I am like. I'm really kind of irritated at this point. Of course, we need to get on to massaging because that is what I came here to do. Please, Chrissy. I don't know if she was blowing on my back. I don't know if she was using feathers to massage my back. But all of a sudden she's just like her fingers just like, wafting my back, but I don't even know if she on. And you know how, like most massage therapists, they'll give you some good pressure at the beginning?

Just like pushing on your back, right? No, this isn't pushing. It's like a light. She's giving me a high five on my back, but with no pressure. Like my five year old gives me a high five like a golf clap. All the way down, nowhere near my lower back, nowhere near my butt. Then she goes all the way down to my calves, and I'm like, holy mother of all things. Massage therapy. What did I get myself into now? I'm like, well, one of two things is going to happen. Either this is going to get better.

Yeah.

Or this is going to get much worse. One of two things is going to happen. And we've only got ten minutes now to get this done. How are we going to break up that ten minutes is my question. In my mind, it must be 745 at this point.

Exactly.

This has taken a long fucking time to get to any kind of action. I once dated a Mormon. Same thing happened. Same thing. Months and months and months of preparation. All right, so now she comes down to my leg. Chrissy, I don't even know the way to describe this particular woman's style of massaging, except to say that I think it was less massaging and more about her sheet folding abilities. Do you know what I'm saying? She kept folding the sheets in weird ways so that she could expose certain parts, but leave other parts inexposed. She takes my left leg, she lifts it up in the air, and then she folds the sheet underneath my thigh. So now what we've got is imagine.

Like a diaper type.

Yes. Or catholic schoolgirl uniform, where the ruler rule is in full effect. Two inches from your kneecap and your skirt must be down to there. She literally wraps my leg like a diaper pb poopoo. With only an inch above my kneecap on the back and my foot downwards. So now we've got exactly one of the two and a half feet of my legs exposed.

Yeah.

And that's what she massages with almost no pressure whatsoever. Now, I do have to say this. I will give credit where credit is due. Once she got into it, then I felt a little bit relaxed. There was no pressure to it. It wasn't working out, any knots or anything like that, but okay. I was so wound up at this point that even anything was. I was happy with anything. The expectations at this point are so low. The Death Star is still there. Darth Vader rules the universe. It's over. It's game over. At least I'm going to get one leg massage out of this. She spent the next ten minutes on my left leg, and then she did the same thing with the right leg. She did the exact same thing. We spend a minute and a half folding the sheet to make sure that she doesn't see anything she doesn't want to see, or I don't feel uncomfortable in any kind of way.

Got your underwear on.

I know, and I don't wear a fucking thong. I got boxer briefs. It's okay. You're good. It's covering everything you could be scared of. All my ass hair is covered by.

That amber combian gloves, so as not to touch.

Yeah. I don't know whether to feel offended, like that's my fault. She had to wear gloves. She assessed me at some point. Maybe that's what the light was about. Maybe it's a special light. And they put glass in the lobby and they put glasses on and they could see the level of scuzz you have on you.

She had to work herself up. This light is revealing.

God damn, this guy is fucking old white guy. This is glove positive. It's a glove positive. I tested him. He's glove positive. So we get to the second leg, another ten minutes is spent on basically my knee down to my foot. Right? Okay. All right, we got that part done? Yeah. That front of my calf, my shin bones feeling so relaxed. I've never had. Listen, you worked all those ankle knots out. I'm telling you what. Can we get to somewhere as important? Can you work your way up? I'm sure this massage is over. I am honestly stressed because at any moment, I feel like she's going to go, well, that's our time for today.

Exactly. Thank you so much.

Thank you so much. All right, now, remember, I added the hot stone massage.

Okay.

All right, so after the leg gets done, now we're going to go after both legs. Now we're like 20 minutes. And now I'm sure it's 815 or something. I don't even know. I'm like, I guess we're on free time now. Like it used to be when you watch the soccer match, you're just guessing how much free time was left on the end. We think nine minutes extra. That's how I felt. I felt like they're going to blow.

The whistle at any moment, right?

So she goes, I can hear her fooling with something, right? And then all of a sudden, she's putting on what I have to imagine I didn't see it because it was on my back. Is a water bottle the kind you get in the hospital? A plastic water bottle with warm water. She puts two of them on my.

Back.

Over the sheet. And I'm like. And so now she bends down. How's that level of comfort for you? Fine. It's fine.

The water bottles feel okay.

I know the water bottles feel okay. But I should add that during the leg massage, I felt like the table had gotten warmer, not cooler. I felt like she turned it up, not down. So she's like, how's that level of comfort for you? And I go, fine. Did you turn the table down? And she goes, I did. Do you want me to turn it down even further? I said, yeah, let's just turn it.

Off at this point, please.

And can we get to my back? Yeah.

I'm in scones. Furs, sheets.

Furs, sheets. Hot water bottles. My ankles feel great. Let's get on with it, please. I'm so fussy now. I'm just like, God damn it. So now I've got two hot water bottles from Walmart on the back of my back. She puts a hot towel around my neck. So now I'm burning up, I'm dying, I'm having a heat stroke in here. I'm sweating profusely, and I can hear something, right? And now I hear in a room, probably not next to us, because there was nobody next to us, but I can hear it's another person getting massaged. You know, at the end when they wipe the sheets, they wipe the sheets, like, wipe off all the bad energy or whatever. First of all, I'm thinking, I wish I had that massage because I can hear more pressure than this lady put on me, than I felt with this lady. I can hear more pressure, and then I can hear faintly. Our time today is done. And I'm like, oh, shit, that's it. It's 08:00 it's 08:00 now because that person's finishing up. And I haven't had one finger on my back yet. Not one. Not one finger on my back.

Gloved finger.

Yeah, gloved finger. I haven't had one glove on my back yet. We're 20 minutes into my legs. We haven't had one touch of my back. Now, Chrissy, swear to you, I'm not exaggerating. I exaggerate a lot here on the commercial break, but this is not an exaggeration. Now, she's going to do my arms. And the amount of. It's like she was doing origami with the sheets. She was wrapping them around my shoulder, under my armpit, over my hand, through my. Now my elbow is exposed. That's what's exposed. We got my elbow and my actual hand exposed, and she's like, rubbing my arm. It's crazy. I am like, where did I come? Where do they get these people?

I've never heard so much sheet.

Use the sheet. Like, I didn't come for a sheet massage. I can get that in my own bed. I do that every night. Lay down, throw the sheet on me. Feels good. All right, good night. So now I'm getting this weird elbow and hand massage, right? And this goes on for five minutes, and then over to the other hand, goes on for five minutes. And I'm like, I just can't even believe that we haven't gotten to my back yet. And so I say, can maybe we can focus on my back? And she leans down. I was just getting to that. And I was like, okay, thanks. Could you focus those gloves on my backpack? Would you mind?

Please.

Somebody touch my back. That's what I wanted to scream in this sheet fold room. I just wanted to say, please, somebody touch my back. I'm leaving a review. Great massage. If you're not looking for a massage, if you're looking for a touch free massage, you know, like the car washes. Looking for a touch free massage, here it is. Answer to your prayers. Ask for this lady. She'll blow on your back, but with a mask on. Hey, safety first.

Yeah.

So she takes these water bottles off my back. She rolls down the sheets, right? And I'm like, finally, I'm going to get.

Here it comes.

This is what I came for. This is the big show. This is the super bowl of my massage. I'm ready for it. If I've got ten or 15, she's going to be gracious enough to go ten or 15 minutes extra. And now I'm thinking to myself, she should go ten or 15 minutes extra because it was no sooner than 720 before I actually started the massage, and 730 if you wanted to count the sheet. Origami she was doing. She'd build those little birds you get on cruise ships or whatever, you know what I'm saying? They roll the towels up. I don't know what she. They make little polar bears. I felt like she was practicing. All right, so we're getting to the back, and we'll get back to the show right after these words we'll be back.

Well, thank the baby Jesus. Brian took a breath. And now I will use this opportunity to let you know that we've got a brand new phone number. That's right, it's 212433 TCB. And you can text us anytime you want, or you can call and leave us a voicemail and we might just use your message on the show once Brian gets through all the messages he missed last year. Of course. Anyway, you can also find and dm us on Instagram at the commercial break and on TikTok at TCB podcast. And of course, all of our audio and video is easily found on tcbpodcast.com. Now, I'm going to thank g one more time that we have sponsors. So thank G, and here they are.

Okay, so now she's brought the sheet down to I. The main event is my back. And she brings the sheet up probably two inches from your tailbone.

Okay?

Right. So there's no fear that she's going to see anything she doesn't want to see. And she tucks the sheet in under my belly, under my legs. So now I'm wrapped like a little baba binky. I got my baba binky on burrito. I'm a little fucking baby. I feel like I'm being swaddled like I'm an adult. I can handle it. It's all right. Why don't we just take the sheet up? Because I'm frying on this table. No temperature has deleted from this thing. Or maybe it's just because I've been covered in a bare skin rug when it's 90 degrees outside. I'm not sure. I don't know. So this is what happens. She works one side shoulder down to two inches above my butt. That maybe lasts a two and a half minutes. She works the next side, two and a half minutes, Chrissy. She goes down to my glutes. She presses one, two, three times on the side of my glute. One, two, three times on the other side of the glute. And she rolls the sheet back up and puts the water bottles back on it. And I'm like, you have got to be kidding me.

I had 30 minutes of a 50 minutes massage, and 25 minutes was spent on my legs. What the fuck? Not even on my legs, on my calf. So unbelievable. So now she goes around and she turns me around, right? And now I'm flip over. She puts this towel under my neck, making the whole experience very uncomfortable because now I'm like, got my chin in the air, my mouth swide open like I'm fucking neanderthal. Oh, what is going on here? Why are you putting this huge towel behind my neck? We could do a fucking massage my throat. What's going on here? What are we doing?

I wouldn't be surprised at this point if that's good. Throat massage.

She starts that whole number where they give you the massage in the back of the head, like right at the base of the skull. But she just puts her hands under there and goes like this, like a come hither. And then she starts to massage my head a little bit, and I'm like, okay, I could take them ahead. Massage. I would give that in the plus column. But she stops here, like, at the back of my head. She does not even go anywhere close to the top of my head, the forehead or anything. Chrissy, I am not even kidding you. She then puts two hot towels under my shoulders. So now I'm completely uncomfortable. Mouth aghast. I can't even breathe because my neck is, like, stuck in this weird position. And now I've got two hot towels like that. Now I feel like clearly I've been set up.

They're going to pop out with candy camera.

Yes. Someone's got TCV in their crosshairs. And here I am. They're taking pictures of me from above. They've got a drone that I can't hear because the ocean noises are too loud. She literally gives me the little hands on the shoulders like this. And then she starts doing the sheet origami again all over my body. And I'm like, oh, my God, this is fucking crazy. So after a minute and a half of sheet origami, she goes, that's our time for today's. I can't breathe. How was that? So I grabbed the towel and I pulled it out. I was like, okay, that's enough of that.

We're done.

This is a fully disappointing experience. And I don't care anymore what you think of me. I'm being polite, right? Of course. I'm always polite. I've never mean to anybody who provides a service, because I understand that it might be the end of a long day. She might be fussy, her hands might hurt. It could be a million reasons why it wasn't the best massage in the world. Or maybe she's new at it, or maybe she's not good at it. That's the other option, right? She's just not good. It's okay. It's all right. I ain't mad at her. She's making a living. And I got 38 minutes of a 50 minutes massage. Because when I got out, it was like 812 or something like that. So from the time she took me back to the time that I actually started getting massage, I think I got, like, a 40, maybe a 40 minutes massage.

Right.

But, okay, it's 08:00 eight and half.

Of that was sheet folding.

Sheet folding. Most of it was sheet folding. So she says you can take your time, get your.

Where were the stones?

There was no stones. It was like a water bottle. I don't even know why they said it's hot stone massage.

Well, I know. And did they not, like, use the stuff?

No, there were no stones, only water bottles. They were used twice. And a 40 1 minute massage, they stayed on my back for ten minutes at a time. So 20 of the 41 minutes, I had hot water bottles on my back. A table that is on fire. It never lost any temperature, by the way. It only got hotter, in my opinion.

Oh, God.

So I was, like, a little bit uncomfortable. Now. I always like to take a shower after I do a massage. Like, I don't care. Most places have them. You can wipe that oil off. I am covered in this lavender oil. Like, slathered in this lavender oil, by the way. It didn't feel like it because the gloves.

Right.

It was just like this weird. They were sticking. Every time she was trying to do something kept sticking and sticking. It just felt really uncomfortable. So I'm now covered, slathered in this oil. I got to get myself dressed. I walk out. Most places, they have a little glass they give you with some lemon water or whatever they call something. What's that shit they put in the water? Oregano or. I don't know what they put. Mint, lemon, whatever. Mint, lemon water. Mint, lime water. And I'm thinking, she's like, I'll have a refreshing glass of water for you when you're done. And I'm like, okay, great. It's one of those Dixie cups that you literally get out of the. When you go to a doctor's office and they have the water thing. Yeah. The world's smallest cup. I walk out, and she's got this little cup, and she's like, here's a glass of water for you. I'm like, I think you and I both does. That's not a glass.

It's a shot.

That is a paper Dixie cup. I give my children more liquid in their gaga cups. I swear to Christ. What are we doing in here?

Oh, my God.

I got to take the walk of shame all the way down the sheet hallway.

Right?

And then I go up front. Luckily, I think I paid a total of whatever it was. $20, $25 with the tip. And I tipped appropriately. I tipped for the effort. Okay, I kind of swallowed a little bit when I did that tip. But I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt because I do know it's difficult to be in the service industry in general. Of course, maybe she's just new at this.

Do you think the person that recommended this place to you was the one playing the prank?

Knowing him, yes. And it wasn't a prank. It was just. You're an asshole. So go to this place. Here's a gift card to this place.

He probably got it from somebody else.

Yeah, that's exactly it. It's a. I. No, it was Astrid that gave me the gift, so it wasn't him. But he had mentioned that it was a good place to. You know. You might as well give me a gift card for half eaten subway sandwiches. That would have been more tasty. I think I would have been more excited. At the end of the day, I don't know what to say. It was just one of these things. It was like a really weird experience. Yeah, it was a really weird experience. And I don't know, I tried to make the best of it.

You gave it a chance.

I gave it every opportunity that it had. At every opportunity, I kept my mind a little bit open.

The only good part were the sheets.

That's it. The sheets were so soft. I do have to say that the sheets were so soft. But, of course, maybe it's because I was just slathered in oil. I didn't feel anything. That was my Super Bowl Sunday.

Gotcha.

Okay, so listen. Taylor Swift bowl is over. We can all go home and go back to our regularly scheduled programs. I do have to mention this. Remember we had the phone debacle with the phone number?

Oh, yes.

Six two six. STCB. The number three is no longer available because it was sold by the people I bought it from again. And now they're trying to extort me for more money to get it back. And I'm not doing it just on principle alone. So I'm going to inconvenience tens of thousands of people out there rather than do anything about it. We have a new phone number. It'll be in the liners soon enough. It'll be on the website and all that other stuff. 212433 TCB. 212433 TCB is the new phone number. Text. Leave us a voice message. Here's the good news now, finally, we get it directly in the studio.

That's what we wanted.

We have people checking those messages. We get it directly in the studio. Maybe at some point in the future we tried this. We'll ask people if they want to call up and talk to us. But that was like, it took so long and so much money. And now three phone numbers later, we finally got it worked out and I bought this phone number. I own it forever.

Third time charm.

Third time is the charm. 8th time is the charm. In the case of the phone numbers of TCB, I think the phone numbers of TCB deserve their own show. When they do the VH one behind the podcast special, they're gonna be a whole chapter.

Oh, my God.

212433 TCB. That's the new one. Text us, call us, leave us a voicemail. You know how to do it. I love you. I don't know what to say.

Sorry.

I took up the whole episode with my.

It was quite the story and quite the warning tale.

Yes. I don't want to give out the name. Oh, yeah, you'll know. I'm going to tell you. I'm going to keep you out of the crosshair.

Thank you.

Yeah, I don't know if they. I think it's like a franchise place. They must have multiple, I'm assuming.

Okay.

Because it looks like a franchise place. Right. And then they have a website and you'll see. I'll tell you, you just avoid it altogether. You have a good masseuse, though.

I do.

Stick there. Keep going there. She's good. She's really good. I would invite her over, but it's just so much chaos at the house that the truth is I don't want to be in my house. I want to leave my house for my massage. Now. That's how I feel about it. It was different when, you know, just a few children. Now I have so many. There's nothing relaxing about staying in the house to be. Not a thing. All right. Tcbpodcast.com, that's where you go. You find out more information about Chrissy and I. You can watch all the video, listen to all the audio. All right there. From tcbpodcast.com. You can also get your free piggy fronting sticker. It's now available. They're now being sent out all across the universe. All you have to do is hit the contact us button on the website.

Universe.

Universe. Hit the contact us button on the website. There's a little drop down menu says, I want my free sticker well, if you want your free sticker, give us your address and we'll send it off to you. If you want us to sign it or say something, whatever you want, just ask, and then we'll figure out if we can do it. And if we can't, then you're just going to get a sticker back. You'll know if we can't, because we won't. There you go. And 212433 TCB. That's 212433 TCB, toll free from anywhere in the world. Text us. Leave us a voicemail right on the studio phone. Right here in the studio. Questions, comments, concerns, content, ideas, ask TCB. Ask Brian's mom. We're taking it all right there at the commercial break on Instagram, TCb podcast on TikTok and YouTube.com, slash the commercial break. All right. I just love how Dr. Phil said, I gotta cut it up. All right, I guess that's all we can do for today, Chrissy. But I will tell you that I love you.

I love you.

I'll say best to you, best to you, best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I will say we do say, and we must say goodbye.