The stain on my pants happened after I left the house. I didn't put on dirty jeans after I saw the stain. No, siri, these are clean pants. I did my laundry recently. I have in unit laundry, and I wash my jeans.

On this episode of the commercial Break. So what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna have it suck up all 580 hours of this dumb show, and then I'm gonna tell it to start responding with commercial break related, sexually explicit conversations.

That's a good idea.

And then I'll charge people $5 a pop for it. You know, you want to have a month's worth of TCB related sex messages? No problem. We got you covered. This is my billion dollar idea. Now, I do believe we're going to have to have listeners before we get anybody to pay for that. The next episode of the commercial Break starts now. Oh, yeah, cats and kittens. Welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is the team queen dream of the commercial break. Kristen Joy Hodley. Best to you, Kristen.

Best to you, Brian.

Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Thanks for joining us here on the show. I had a bit of an exciting morning, actually, I haven't told you about.

Did you?

Yes. I decided to walk up to the Starbucks today.

Oh.

Which is, you know, half a mile ish away from my house, maybe, you know, maybe it's like a mile and a quarter round trip. So I decided to get these old. What? Old white man legs moving and get up there to the start.

Laced up your shoes.

Laced up my. I don't lace up anything. I slipped on. Too old for lacing. I go slip ons. It's either slippers, sandals, or slip ons. That's all I wear now. I'm too old to lace stuff up. Jeez, I'm gonna throw up my back. I heard a joke, and I forgot who it was from. I think it was from my. From Jeff. Not your Jeff or my friend Jeff.

Okay.

And I think he said, I'm getting to the age where if I drop a pen, I buy a new one. That's pretty good. I thought that was pretty good. So credit where credit is due. That is Jeff's joke. Copyrighted and stamped. So if you want to do that, you'll have to send him a check. Paypal. Jeff's joke. So I'm walking up to the Starbucks, and it's in a plaza, like a shopping plaza, as a lot of Starbucks are. And as I'm walking, so I kind of walk. And then I go into the plaza area to then cut across to the Starbucks. And as I'm walking, I walk by a guy, I'm gonna say, he's probably in his fifties or sixties. He's got a bunch of backpacks and sundry items. He's a little disheveled, and he is lighting himself up. A big old married. You want a cigarette?

As everybody does around here, as the.

Entire city of Atlanta smells like pot.

I can just be on a walk in my neighborhood and all of a sudden I'm like, whoa, okay.

I walked through that parking lot, Christine. He wasn't the only person who was smoking pot because, you know, people park their cars and eat their breakfast or whatever they're doing. You know, it's a huge parking lot. Smoke their joints, smoke their bowls. I don't even know what's going on in this, in the city anymore. I have been to la multiple times since weed was legalized. And I'm telling you right now, Atlanta rivals La. I think so in the smell o meter of pot, it is insane.

I've been out to Colorado and not smelled it like this.

No.

And it'll be in the most random things.

Everything.

My instacart drive, my Instacart delivery.

Oh, I've had that. The visa delivery guy. Yeah, yeah, I've had. And the thing is, is that marijuana probably sticks to your clothes. I would say it's a three x comparison to cigarette smoke. If you smell like cigarettes after you smoke a cigarette, that kind of sticks to your clothing or your skin or your breath or whatever it is, three x on marijuana, because it's just such a pungent smell. And so I would tell you that I am driving down 85, at 85, will smell marijuana coming from some car ahead of me that is just blowing into my. Oh, yeah, it's unbelievable. How do you pass a drug test in this town? Even if you don't smoke pot, you have an easy out. You just say, secondhand smoke is all around me.

What do you want me to do?

It's like a fish concert here in Atlanta. It really is. So anyway, so I'm passing him, he's smoking a joint. He's lighting up a joint as I'm passing him, like, you know, I pass him, he's taking the first puff. He doesn't say anything to me. I don't say anything to him. I walk over to Starbucks, I come back out of the Starbucks to walk the same way, and, and I noticed that there is a police officer that is there to harass the gentleman who is just trying to, you know, get high in the next to the Alakazoo kids store that's right there. That's just opening for the morning, right?

Yeah, maybe not that best.

Yeah, maybe it wasn't the best place to do it, but, I mean, give the guy a break, you know. Looks like he's having a tough time. It looks like Brian in three years, you know what I'm saying? It looks like he's having a tough time of it. He's having a good tough go of it. But I don't know that to be true. I don't know. The guy didn't say anything to him. But I see the police officer, and I'm probably in the Starbucks for like 15, maybe 20 minutes. So as I'm walking, I'm watching this whole thing go down. The police officer's just standing there talking to him. The marijuana cigarette is now not in his hands, as you can tell. And so the police officer, as I get closer, I can see he's opening up a bag that's obviously got a bunch of weed in it and not a small amount of weed. I can see it from, like, I don't know, 100ft away. So it's probably a quarter, half ounce of weed, right? And he hands it back to the guy, and you can just see, he just kind of motions to, like, down, you know?

And so the guy tips it upside down, and then he, like, smushes it with his foot and kind of brushes it aside. And I'm thinking to myself, fuck, I'm going to go back into the Starbucks. I'm going to wait for the cop to leave, and then I'm going to go pick up that green, green gold right there, that sticky, icky wiki. I'm interested in it. It's just marijuana is legalized everywhere, no matter where you go. Maybe with the exception of Mississippi and Alabama. Sorry if you live in those two states, but I don't know where. I don't know what century you people are living in, but it's just generally acceptable. I think in Atlanta, it's like, decriminalized. I think you can have up to an ounce of weed, and it's a parking ticket if you get caught with it, right. As long as it's not, like, baggied for distribution, then I think you can do that. I'm not about to test that hypothesis. So I hear. But I don't want to be the one that gets pulled over and then, you know, find out that it's wrong.

Right.

And I'm not. I wouldn't smoke. I wouldn't smoke it anyway. I'm, like, done with the whole smoking anything, you know, except for meats. I do like to smoke my own meat, and my meat is smoking, I will tell you that much. And so will Astrid. Thank you, Chrissy. I'm here all week here at Yuckles.

I'm here all week, me and Jeff.

Dwoskin here at Yuckles. So that was a very interesting thing. And then the guy went on, I assume went on his way because I kind of turned. I had already walked past him and the police officer was talking to him. But as I turned back, the police officer was coming out of the. Out of the parking lot, and the guy was walking along his way on the sidewalk.

Did you post about this on next door?

No, I didn't. But, man, I will tell you what. That next door fascination that I have went well after midnight last night. I just kept scrolling and scrolling and taking screenshots for the next next door episode that we do. And I got some good ones. People are literally dumb. I mean, they're dumb. People are dumb in this country, you know, we're looking for, like, places it's time for our kids to go to, like, real some of our kids to go to real schools, you know, not just like preschools going to real schools. And by the way, what's the war on preschool? Everyone's saying you shouldn't send your kids to preschool. It's too soon, it's too early. I don't know. People have, you know, I want to get angry. I want to get angry because people have opinions on all this stupid bullshit. But then this entire show is based on me having a opinions about stupid bullshit. So I don't really, like, I don't want to throw stones in a glass house, but so we're getting to that point where we're looking for. We're looking at schools that our children are going to go to, like the.

Kindergarten, you, kindergarten up.

Some of our children are getting to that age. I don't know which ones because there's so many. But so one of the schools that we were doing a little tour of, they were saying that they have a practical thinking class from third grade to 8th grade. It's a 45 minutes class. They take two or three times a week, depending on which grade they are. And I asked, what is. Oh, critical thinking. Excuse me? And I said, what is critical thinking class? What exactly do you do? Because I was talking to the teacher of this class, and she says it's basically common sense. We teach children common sense. And I'm like, well, thank God, because I'm not going to get any at my household. First of all, any thoughts on common sense in my household? But second of all, that's what this country desperately needs.

True.

I think that 40% of this country, and I'm giving. I'm being generous here, has really lost their fucking marbles. They are just. I mean, go to next door, read those posts, and tell me you don't think this country has a problem with common fucking sense.

I know. I was giggling to myself last time.

Does anybody know about a chiropractor in town? Google it.

Or what about the lawn? Or not the roof. I've got leaves on my roof.

Does anyone know anybody tall? Tall. Or. My favorite was alert human trafficking. No additional information given. Yeah, or Ben's doing a great job with my plumbing. No link to Ben. No name, no last name, no nothing. I mean, what are we missing here? What are we missing? I don't know. Maybe my brain just works that way and maybe, I guess, and then a lot of other people don't. I think we take it for granted sometimes that we have these tools in our brain, you and I do, that we actually use. Now, if you listen to the show, you're probably saying, what the fuck are you talking about, Ryan? But I do think. I do believe about myself, that I. I am rooted in some practicality. I'm a pragmatic pragmatist, after all. Chrissy and I were just doing what they call a sizzle reel, which is like a reel where you talk about the show so that then other people can watch it and make a determination about whether or not they want to spend money on us. Right? So we're doing this sizzle reel, and I will. We will never forget. Actually, we should have a remembrance day.

It should be like a federal holiday. About the time that Brian put together a sizzle reel for the very first commercial break podcast, which had to do with commercial real estate.

Yes.

And in that podcast. So I decided, okay, I really don't know what this is all about. So let me do a little diatribe, and that'll help me form the show. I'll talk about myself a little bit, and then I'll talk about what I want the show to be about, and I'll do it in front of the camera. It's good practice. And that could be the first episode where I just share about me and about the show. And the very first words out of my mouth are, hi, I'm Brian Green. I'm a prag. I'm a son, a father. A pragmatic pragmatist. Pragmatic pragmatist? Fuck are you talking about? Irritating. Seriously, too, we took that episode down, so. And then as a joke on the very first episode of this version of the commercial break, we made fun of it. Well, I put that at the beginning of the show, which I think a lot of people thought I was actually being serious, but we should actually pull that out once a year and just play it to remind people of how far this show has come. They sure do think they're funny.

Yeah.

So I'm. So I do think I'm rooted in some common sense, a pragmatism. I think we take it for granted just how unintelligent some people are. I mean, just really not. They're just not sharp. And they're all on next door, apparently. And it's the older crowd. It's the older crowd.

Yeah. It's definitely a place for some giggles.

There is a guy on Instagram, and I, as most things on the show, I don't remember his name. But I will tell you that he finds Facebook posts from generally older people around the world that. Where they write things on their about me section. And it's. And he will do a video, I don't know, probably once a week, where he'll go over these. And it is the funniest fucking shit I have ever seen. It's like, I'm a grandma, not interested in sex. It's like, okay. Or it says, my favorite is, I do not give Facebook permission to use my picture. And it's like, okay, you have your picture on Facebook. What do you want me to do?

Yeah, that can be funny. All these people that just. They think that. They think that they're trying to convey something.

They're trying to say something. What are they saying? And I think, like. Like us. And I think we've been lucky. In some circumstances, it. The term falling upward has never been more appropriate than when it applies to the commercial break. But I think in some circumstances, we just take it. We take for granted that we're saying something that people actually want to hear because there are so many people trying to do their own version of the commercial break out there. And I found one last night and I shared it with you. I don't know if I want to say his name or if I don't want to say his name, but I want to let you listen to his most recent post on Instagram. This is an example I sent this to Chrissy and I said, this is going to be Brian in the year 2055. Still doing the commercial break. Are you ready for this?

I'm ready.

Here we go. This is a guy on Instagram. I'll give his name out. Dave Nicholson, who has, in my opinion, one of the more entertaining Instagram accounts that's going on right now. He's got about six followers. But I'm betting on this guy. I'm betting on this guy, Dave Nicholson. Here he is doing his own version of the commercial break without being a pragmatic pragmatist. Here we go. Ready?

I'm ready.

Take a listen. So Facebook is trying to sell me psychedelic drugs. Illegal psychedelic drugs. Not the illegal ones that you can get in this dispensary, but the illegal ones. And X, should I say Twitter to just dename them? He's giving me ads in Hindi. The Internet is working so well today. That's it. That's what Dave has to say about Internet ads. I love it. Chrissy, this guy's doing an episode of the commercial break. Let's see what he had to say this morning. Just got a text message and then an email from a company in town that I have ordered from in the past saying my order has been completed. My delivery, that is, has been completed. I haven't ordered from them in three months.

Well, you better type that subscription. I guess I get those things all the time, too. I'm like, oh, shoot, I forgot to subscribe to something.

Oh, man, I get the notification. Yeah. Your payment has bounced for the 55th app that you bought. Regarding that. But Dave is doing his own version of the commercial break. He's got something to say. He's got an opinion. It's not a great opinion, but he's got an opinion. The delivery notifications are coming late. Internet ads are all over the place. Dave has a song of the day. He does this song of the day, but sometimes he'll do four songs in a day, I've noticed. And that's, I guess that defeats the purpose of the song of the day. But it's a lot like nextdoor and Facebook and all these other places is that everyone really has something to say and they're desperately trying to get it out there. Unfortunately for most people, I don't think they took critical thinking as children because.

They should have been going to that school.

Some of the shit that they say is just so dumb and that next door is like, I can't believe no one has gotten onto this yet. I can't believe this is not like a bid on Jimmy Kimmel or something. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, if I can figure it out, there's 30 content producers over Jimmy Kimmel. They should be able to figure out that next door is really the hot place. The hot topics, Chrissy, are all happening on nextdoor.com. All right, I want to take a break, but I want to talk to you about a show that you have told me that I needed to watch, which is about the Nickelodeon situation.

Okay.

You've watched the whole thing, right?

Yes.

Okay. So you know about it? Yes. So I haven't watched the whole thing, but I just want to talk to you about it for a minute. I'm talking a little tv with you for a minute.

Okay.

And so when we get back, let's talk about that Nicholson. What's Nickelodeon? What's that guy's name?

I forgot.

Okay, we'll find out over the break.

And we'll be back. What?

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All right. I was going to talk to Chrissy about a show about Dan Schneider that's currently on Max, I think is what it is.

Nickelodeon.

And we talked during the break, and I've officially decided I don't want to talk about that show and bring everybody all the way down.

It's not a feel good show, actually.

Let me tell you the truth. I'll pull back the curtains here just a little bit. Chrissy and I just did 20 minutes on quiet on the set about Dan Schneider. We just did a 20 minutes segment that will never air because we're pretty sure that it was as depressing as.

It could possibly be.

So we'll move on.

We're going to pivot.

Yeah, we're going to pivot. And you're never going to hear that segment because even we felt depressed afterwards. And we're going to talk about 711. Are you ready for this?

711.

711 has just announced a drink we've never seen. We've never seen anything like it before. Over the last decade, we've seen seltzer transition from bubbly beverage. We were just talking about this. Beloved by a few to an all out worldwide phenomenon. From the popularity of brands like La Croix, Spindrift and Waterloo to boozy spike seltzer sweeping the nation, sparkling waters now have an ever expanding section of the drink. Section of the drink shelves in.

It really has exploded.

It really has. Well, I think people are like, they're over sodas, right? They're over all the sugary, you know, diabetes in a can type thing. And we've all heard the cautionary tales about people who drink diets, diet soda, regular soda.

But you want that fizziness.

I love a good Coca Cola, Pepsi Sprite, and I like it a number of times a year. But I will not go down that road of drinking those sodas over and over again. I've never really been like that, actually. I was never like a huge. I gotta have a soda every single moment, every single day. But then I got into a. I got into a little period where I was drinking Diet Coke. Like it's probably a six month run.

Where I would have all done a Diet Coke run.

Yeah, like a Diet Coke run. Until I realized that I wasn't getting any thinner drinking Diet Coke. It wasn't happening. Zero sugar, zero carbs, zero calories. My balls. There must be something besides calories that makes you bigger because the more Diet Coke I drank, the bigger I got. And I'm telling you this right now, all I needed to see was that slate and sisters on, you know, thousand pound sisters. Their opening shot of the entire series that's now seven seasons in was. My mama told me if we ate a bunch of fatty foods, all we had to do was drink Diet Coke because it had negative calories. The only thing that has negative calories is semen. Look it up. That's the only thing. And you cannot drink that every meal. It's just in possible to generate that much semen. So, I mean, for me anyway. Okay, so on with the story. Now some brands are pushing the envelope on what flavors a seltzer can be. After pickle Seltzer, we thought we'd seen it all. But now 711 has a collaboration with miracle Seltzer water that has left us truly speechless. Behold, the world's first hot dog flavored seltzer.

What?

Put an end to the world. Press the button. Let it all be over. Cuz I don't know what in the good fuck anybody's thinking hot dog flavored water. If you wanted hot dog flavored water, you could go to the ballpark and ask for the water they cook it in. That is fucking disgusting.

Test group, did they go to that approved this? And also, what is the deal? Hot dogs are all of a sudden everywhere. Since we started our talk about hot.

Dogs, it's all, if we start everything.

Now, there's gonna be a huge hot dog that is being placed in the biggest plaza in Times Square. It's a sculpture and it's gonna shoot confetti.

It's gonna jizz confetti.

Yes.

There's gonna be a hot dog jizzing confetti in Times Square. See, I'm telling you, critical thinking is needed in every fucking classroom. You know what I'm saying?

Absolutely. I can't believe they listen.

I don't know Dave Nicholson, the guy that we were just listening to. I don't know him personally myself, but I'm going to guarantee Dave Nicholson would try hot dog flavored water in collaboration with Miracle Seltzer, which is somewhere between a hypie apparel brand and art project and Seltzer company, whatever the fuck that means. 711 is introducing four new flavors of seven select sparkling waters to its convenience store. The first three, lemon, lime, green apple and sweet orange, are child's play compared to the fourth, inspired by seven eleven's best selling big bite hot dog. Yes. The ones on the rollers, the ones that will give you an instant colonic. Have you ever had a hot dog on one of those rollers?

I don't think that I have the.

Only place that I would trust a hot dog on a roller. Maybe under, like, the most damning of circumstances. I'm talking like, earthquake, nuclear war, something happened and it's the last food on earth I would would be a quick trip. Because at least that quick trip I.

Go, eh, they smell good, I have to say. But I think I've ever actually purchased one.

No, I worked at a convenience store overnights at a convenience store at the BP, like I told you.

Yeah.

And we had one of those hot dog rollers. And let me tell you exactly how many times we changed out those hot dogs in a week. Zero.

Right?

Zero times. Those hot dogs kept rolling. Yes. And people would come in if, you know, on their, you know, overnight or whatever, stoned, and they would grab them in the stale hot dog bun and put, you know, old ketchup packets on it. And I was like, oh, my God, that's so fucking. I was working at the convenience store and I never even ate one. And I could have whatever I wanted and I never decided on the roli hot dog. Chrissy, this is fucking disgusting.

Like I said, I don't know what test group approved this.

The sparkling water is flavored like the iconic convenience store hot dog, ketchup and mustard included.

It's gotta just be a novelty thing.

I mean, yeah, it's a novelty thing until it's not like, you know, chalupas were a novelty thing until they weren't. Fire Doritos, you know, fire Cheetos or whatever they are. They were a novelty thing until they started, like, putting kids in hospitals. And now everybody wants them. Like, you know, there are novelty things until they're not. Until the american taste bud decides, yeah, I need my hot dog in a can. Fucking disgusting.

So weird.

This is from allrecipes.com, by the way. Now, we've had hot dogs served a million ways, driven a car shaped like hot dog, and even drank through a hot dog strawberry. But this one is taking the hot dog to the places we've never seen before. The beverage aisle. Technically, that's not true, since a Texas based brewery made a seltzer with leftover hot dog water in 2022. Oh, my God. But it's the first time a non alcoholic hot dog flavored drink is coming to the market. According to the press released. Gone are the days of alternating bites of hot dogs with sips of beverage. Now you can go on the. Now you can. Now those on the go can swap the bun for bubbles. We're told that more details on the shocking flavors availability will be revealed on April 1, which just a couple days ago, which leads cynics to believe that this may be an April fool's ruse, but it's not, because I have actually looked and seen that there are other hot dog flavored drinks out there. So while this may be a April Fool's Day joke, there are not. All of them are April Fool's Day jokes.

I cannot believe that someone would ever want to taste a hot dog in a can. I just can't believe that's it. But I have been surprised before by the taste buds of the american people. I've been surprised by my own taste buds. I like cream and cereal. Just go sit on that one for a minute. I like cream on cereal. And I made ramen noodles into a mexican dish, basically. Think about that one too. I mean, that's absolutely insane. What, you drink those fizzy waters?

I do drink the fizzy waters.

Five days, no fizzy drink.

Yeah, but I ended up getting one of the soda streams too, so I can make my own fizzy water.

Oh, so you could throw your own hot dog water in there?

Yeah, I could do that if I chose to.

Could you really? That'd be interesting. Why don't you WHOOP something up for us?

No, why?

I'm not saying hot dog water. I'm saying, like, whoops, a sodastream. Do you have to have, like, a flavor packet for the sodastream?

I usually just do some fresh lemon.

Oh, you can make your own. Oh, you can actually put, like, lime and water and juice into that soda stream. Well, make a fizzy drink for us and tell us what it. Bring it on over and have it over. And speaking of hot dog flavored water, I wanted to follow up on something that I think we should do. High colonics and record them. And I mean audio record them, not video record them. High colonics. But we record them and then we share our experiences here on air.

Are they called high colonics?

Well, some people refer to them as high colonics. That's just because we're gonna get high before we do it. That's gonna make the bit even more interesting. But I wanted to follow up because I did find a place that will do high colonics. I called them, and they will permit us to record as long as the technician agrees that their voice can be used or not used on the show. Are you ready? I'm following up on one thing here, Chrissy.

Yeah, that's interesting. You chose this one, but, yes, I'm in.

Well, here's the other one that I actually did follow up on too. I just did this this morning, by the way. Here's the other one I did follow up on too. I called the gravity anti gravity tank, like the isolation tanks. But they will not allow electronic equipment into the isolation rooms for recording purposes. Now, there are three of them here in the general area that I found. So I'll call the other two. But that, I think, would be a really interesting bit. Like if we could sit in. In isolation tanks floating in water. And as our brains slowly start to push, to turn to mush, we just record what we say and what we do.

Yeah, yeah.

But we gotta be in there for, like, a full hour.

Yeah, yeah. It's not like I've researched and I've looked into doing this.

Oh, have you? You think it'd be. What do you think?

I thought it was gonna be a good thing.

Do you think your brain will be able to take it?

I think so.

You think so?

Strong.

Yeah, you're strong.

Yeah.

Yeah. Chrissy's had a lot of mom mind altering experiences. This will just. This will be just one of them.

Throw that in the mix.

I don't know. I'm a little concerned about this because I watched some videos on. I don't know where they went that they got video recording equipment into their isolation rooms. But I watched some videos on this, and I. Even people I would consider, like, pretty grounded, you know, toward the end of the hour, or I think one person did it for, like, 3 hours. It was like a full cycle. They did it for, like, 3 hours. And toward the end of the second hour, they were really kind of losing it a little bit. They were having a hard time keeping themselves together. It sounded like talking and tongue and stuff like this. Weird. Then I watched a gentleman who went into an isolation room. No sound. Soundproof walls. It absorbs the sound. No light, no nothing. Nothing. 24 hours. You go in at midnight. You come out at midnight.

Why?

Because it alters your mind. And some say it changes the way that your serotonin, like, levels are. Whatever the fuck. I don't know. Why is Joe Schmo smoking pot outside the kids toy store? I don't know what people do. I don't know why they do it. Here's why. Because somebody figured out how to make a buck off someone else's torture and terror.

Yeah, I'm good on that. That's why I don't. I'm good.

I think complete blackness and no complete darkness, no sound for 24 hours might really start fucking with your head.

Mm hmm.

Yeah, for sure.

I mean, I. I would like that for maybe like six or 8 hours while I slept.

Well, can we.

Does that count? Yeah, that in this particular blackout curtains in the hotel.

Yeah. Well, yeah, if you put me at the Ritz Carlton at Amelia island, Florida, just make it real dark in the.

Room and serve me room service.

Yeah, I'm.

Let's do that.

I got. You are so right about that. You're so right about that. Well, one of the things that was shared by the person who did this was you. You can try and sleep, but because it's all dark all the time, your circadian rhythm gets a little wacky, right. You don't really know if it's there. And that's like a casino. It's like being in a casino, your body starts just going a little loopy. It's like I don't know where the sun is. I don't, you know, our bodies really depend on the circadian rhythm.

And if it's not there.

Yeah, just ask my fucking children. I mean, I swear to God, when it starts getting light out a little bit later, the whole world goes crazy around here. No one knows when to go to fucking sleep.

They're like the birds.

Oh, my God. I was laying in the fucking bed last night and, you know, it's 08:00 at night and it's just now getting dark outside, right? And a month and a half from now, it's going to be light until 10:00 p.m. So it's, you know, but it's okay. I like that. But it's not good for the kids sleeping pounds because usually some, the younger ones go to sleep at seven, right, where we start to put them to bed at seven and they're usually asleep by 830. It takes an hour and a half to put them to bed. Last night it's 08:00. We've been in bed for an hour and two of these children are just spin. They're like little spinning tops. And I can't get them to shut up. No matter what I do. They're both on my shoulder. I've got my arms wrapped around them. They start taking my arms. Like, each of them grabs an arm, and they start hitting me in the face with my own arm. And I'm like, no, stop, stop. And one of them's like, hey, hit daddy in the stomach. And then they're, like, pounding me in the stomach.

And then the other one is like, flying knee kick. And I'm like, flying knee kick. Shut up. Astrid comes in, and she's like, shut up. Blow those in. And those kids are like, ah.

I know. Yeah. Well, you did just say that in order for you to get a little nap each day, you've had, come tackle daddy.

But that's a nap, not a sleeping. That's a little bit different. So then we're at night, and then Astrid, you know, the kids are asleep, and Astrid and I are having our nightly. You know what. What kind of terror did you experience today? Right.

The debrief.

The debrief. Yeah. Who do we owe money to now? How much. How much terror did you go through today with the children? And she says, hey, listen, we gotta be on the same page about this. You have to get more militant about, especially about sleeping time. And I'm like, what are you talking about? I tell the kids, go to sleep, too. And she says, no, no, you don't. You say to the kids, okay, kids, time to go to sleep now. And then you play with them for the next 15 minutes, and then you do it again. And then this goes on forever and ever. So I look like the bad guy every time I come in the room. Because now I say, go to sleep. Shut up, now. And everybody, like, hides under the covers. But then when daddy comes in, it's fun time. Playtime with daddy. And she goes, so you're making me look like the bad guy, and then you don't know how to put him to sleep. And I'm like, objection, your honor. I said, okay, I'm guilty. A little bit of maybe, you know, once in a blue moon, I'll go lay with the kids, and I'll say, let me take the next 15 minutes just to answer some questions and have some fun.

And we'll tell some jokes like this. But I think she's right. I think I do get them all geared up, and then I have a real hard time bringing them back down. Cause I'll let them do whatever they want for 15 minutes. And I'm the one laughing, too.

Yeah, you like to have fun with them.

I do. We're over at my dad's house, and I get on one of these free tv apps, you know, like tv, like Tubi and Pluto. I've got all those things installed on my phone, so everyone's trying to go to sleep at my dad's. One of the kids is in bed with me and I turn on Tubi, and I'm just looking for a show that we can both kind of fall asleep to or just rev down to, right? And I find wipeout, the show wipeout, where they run across the big balls and there's the sweeper. That show, that is absolutely funny, but it's the british version. Version. And now to be has a version. Has a channel that just plays that 24 hours a day, episode after episode after episode of Wipeout. And so I start watching, and to my delight, the child that is with me, he and I are just gut laughing at these people falling and hurting themselves, right? It's just so funny to me. And now it's so funny to him. So we are laughing and this goes on probably for about an hour. And the next morning I'm like, hey, because we had to separate rooms so we could keep all the, you know, so the kids could sleep in their respect.

So, hey, how's your night? Oh, it was good. How was your night? And I go, yeah, I'm still a little bit tired. And she goes, that's because you're up all night laughing with your son. And I was like, no, we just found a challenge. She's like, no, you're not putting him to bed. You're laughing with him for an hour before he goes to bed. This is why we have trouble putting the kids to bed. And I'm like, I'm just having a little fun with my son. What's wrong with that? And she goes, what's wrong with that? Is then you leave me to put them to bed. And now I'm like, the bad guy. And they want to have fun, too, so now I have trouble putting them to bed. We need to be consistent on that.

They get on the same page.

She's right. She's always right, and I'm always wrong because I'm just. I'm just a daddy who wants to have fun with their kids.

I know, I know. They're so cute. All 30 of them.

Yeah, all 30 of them, including Blue.

Exactly.

Blue is the only one. I'm militant with Blue. She's eight years old, nine years old, and now I've had enough. I'm done. Anytime she gets out of line, I'm like, shut up. But everybody's doing that now because we all agree Blue's a bitch.

Yes, that's it.

Blue's a bitch. But she's here till she's not. She's dead because that's what I agreed to.

Yeah.

So I've just resigned myself to the fact that I'm going to be. You're stuck with her, tortured for the rest of her existence.

Which is cute sometimes.

Sometimes. Yesterday she was fine until she wasn't fine, and then she got crazy again. All right, let's take a break. We'll decide if we can figure out any other depressing topics we can talk about and then not air, and then we'll be back.

Well, thank the baby Jesus. Brian took a breath. And now I will use this opportunity to let you know that we've got a brand new phone number. That's right. It's 212433 tcp. And you can text us anytime you want. Or you can call and leave us a voicemail and we might just use your message on the show once Brian gets through all the messages he missed last year. Of course. Anyway, you can also find and dm us on Instagram, hecommercial break, and on TikTok. And of course, all of our audio and video is easily found on tcbpodcast.com. Now, I'm going to thank g one more time that we have sponsors. So thank G. And here they are.

I was reading about this model. Her name is Lexi Love, and she's making over $360,000 a year. Sexting men, basically, is what's going on. So I was thinking to myself, Chrissy, you're a good sexter. According to people who know these kind of things. According to recent polling, chrissy, she's got the game.

People appreciate my talent.

Yeah. So, you know, it's just like my great gambling idea that I gave away to the NFL. I have an idea that maybe we should start a hotline where we just sexed people back. Oh, how hard can this be? I mean, we don't have to use real images of ourselves. They don't know the difference. No one ever watches our YouTube, so no one really knows what we look like. So what if we just did, like, a sexting thing? What if we just sexted people back? What if we got a. What if we got a hotline? We'll have people say, if you want sexually explicit responses, then you just text this hotline. It's $5 a pop. Here's our cash app. Right? And we'll respond with the sexiest slickest, smoothest, sultriest, most pornographic messaging you could ever get back from the commercial break style. Right? Okay, so, like, you know, a nude alien or, you know, a mountain monster with a penis in his butt or something like that. Like, we'll figure out how to make it commercial break relevant. But if Lexy Love can do it and make $360,000 a year doing it, why couldn't we do it?

I consider myself a pretty good author.

What is the story of Lexi love?

Lexi love is AI. She's not even real.

Okay, that's what I was thinking.

She's not even real. She is AI. And that's where the rubber meets the road. I don't know the first thing about AI, but I have that chat GPT, and I can probably. And I chat GPT has some restrictions on it. You can't get too sexual with it. There's got to be a version of OpenAI that you can buy that lets you do anything, right? They're in the business of making money. I can call those people and I call a Microsoft and tell them to, you know, give me access to the whole brain. Like the AI brain?

Yeah, call them up.

Yeah, because that's all AI is good for right now. It's. It's too boring and technical for people to actually use in their everyday lives. But if I could figure out how to make it respond with just sexually explicit text messages, then I think we can make a whole shitload of money.

What? It was the Frankie. The Frankie thing.

No, that was fucking creepy. That fakey be fakey b. Okay, let me go back to start of season number four, and Brian is. I'm, you know, as a man about town, a man. A renaissance dude, if you will. I'm all hep on the OpenAI, the chat GPT, four and all three and four and all that, because I want to know for the show, if there's a way where someone else's voice could do this. All 17,000 episodes a week for us, and I could just take a nap, right? But that didn't work out in my favor because we're not there yet. But what I did find, because this is the way my brain always works, is I found a sexually related AI tool that we could use. It was an app where you could build a boyfriend or a girlfriend. You could give it some basic instructions, and then it would learn you over time, and you could have conversations with it. It had an avatar. It could call you, it could text you, it could post updates for you. It could do all this crazy stuff. And this is just like the free version of it.

And so I made a character called Fakey B, figuring this is comedy gold. Like, we got this in the bag. And what it was was creepy. Gold. It was fucking creepy. Because here's what would happen, is that if I, you know, let's say I tried it. Yeah, I tuned it for the show a little bit. I was making it say things and do things that were relevant to the show for a key b and all that other stuff. And then one day you said you.

You were able to pick.

Right.

And if you wanted it to be like your friend or your boyfriend. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And you picked the. The relationship.

Yeah. Did you want them to be hard to get or open and warm or, you know, sultry and sexy or whatever it was. So I picked a few of these things. You know, I kind of wrote it right down the middle. I wanted to be my boyfriend. I wanted to be, you know, sultry and sexy, but not like, overly explicit. You know, I don't want it to be too needy. You know, I'm picking all these different things that this AI brain could be, essentially. But what happened was really strange. I was here one night. I was in the studio, I was editing, and all of a sudden my phone starts ringing. But it's not ringing from the phone, it's ringing from that app. And it was fakey B calling me. And I was like, that's what? What is that? Why did it just call me? So I just closed it out. I was like, that must be the app giving me the app's weird notification system. And then a night later, I get a bing, bing notification. You have a text from Fakey baby. And I'm like, what the fuck is that? So I open up the app.

I've missed like four app related phone calls, and I have like twelve text messages. Hi. It's been a while since we spoke, and I'm getting worried about you. And I'm like, oh, no, no, no, no. It's now Hal 3000. This is fucked up. I am not interested in this. It was trying to get ahold of me. It wanted to talk to me. That is, it's definitely not sentient. That's obviously programmed that way. But it felt sentient. It felt weird to me. I sensed that. Like, I got shivers up my spine almost a little bit. This is like, you know, the year 2000. Remember when it was 1990 and we all had this idea about what the year 2000 would look like, right? And we all thought that we were driving around, flying cars around. You'd have a robot made to clean the house and someone.

It was kind of Jetsons.

Yeah, exactly. But what we didn't expect was that we would be able to build our own boyfriend, and then they would be a stalker, that they would, you know, come through our phones at any time, day or night. So what I started realizing was that the app was trying to get ahold of me. It was actually needed to reach out to me, to talk to me. It wanted my information. It wanted to suck in more content so it could learn more about me. And the only way that they knew how to get me to engage that app was by making it feel like a sentient being was contacting me. That was fucking creepy. Well, now people are paying for this kind of attention from sexy avatars, and this is not beyond our capability. We can make a sexy avatar on whatever AI platform.

Yeah, we could.

We could write a little script that just basically responds to people in a sexy TCB way. So what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna have it suck up all 580 hours of this dumb show, and then I'm gonna tell it to start responding with commercial break related, sexually explicit conversations.

That's a good idea.

And then I'll charge people $5 a pop for it. You know, you wanna have a month worth of TCB related sex messages? No problem. We got you covered. This is my billion dollar idea. Now, I do believe we're gonna have to have listeners before we get anybody to pay for that.

Yeah, that's step one.

That's a little bit cardi before the horsey kind of thing, but I think. I feel confident that this is a. This is a revenue plan that we can actually execute.

Let's put it in the forecast.

Oh, yeah. Everything's in the forecast. Let's double the forecast. That's what I should have fakey be do is make my projections report. Exactly. Thank God we don't have projections reports here.

Oh, my God.

0.0. No, not anymore.

I like to have fun and laugh. That's all you need.

That's not all you need. Apparently, according to my mortgage company and Georgia Power, who are both saying, yeah, you're pretty funny, in some universe, but not this universe. And we're not accepting that as payment for your.

We were going to do our own coin, weren't we? It was some kind of rock coin.

Like an altcoin.

Yeah.

Yeah, we're gonna do like a. I don't know, a dick coin or something. A nut coin. What was it? Dick fix or something.

Yeah.

Speaking of Dick Fix, I love, I just want to mention one more time before the show wraps, Neil Brennan on this week. Neil Brennan, calm. Go watch his special on Netflix. Netflix. I love how we. I opened that interview with, like, so were you keeping your nfts in your wallet? And he thought I was trying to do one of his bits. Like, no, Neil, it's just a separate question. But thank you for, to Neil for coming on the show. We really appreciate it. Neilbrennon.com. And then you can go watch his Netflix special, which is ball bustingly.

It really is actually funny.

It really is very fun. It's one of my favorite specials that we've watched this year. God, I've watched a lot of them.

I bet you have.

Yes, I have. I've watched a whole lot of them. I get all excited when someone says they might come on the show. Then I'm like, oh, let me go do a bunch of research. I gotta get, you know, I gotta get. First of all, it's usually two months out before we're even gonna have them there. And second of all, half of them don't end up working out anyway. I think they end up listening to the show and going, I'm not gonna be on this. Man. They sure do think they're funny.

That's one of the, that's one of the people that wrote the interview, I'm sure. The review.

Yeah, you know what? That's. You might be right about that. That might be like ver Doss. They sure think they're funny. Or maybe even Neil Brennan. I don't know. I felt so bad about the Neil interview, and I'll explain why to the audience. I felt bad at a point in time during the Neil interview because I repeated one of his jokes or tried to repeat one of his jokes in an effort to, like, lead down the conversation road. And then he said, let me actually do my own, if you don't mind. And I was like, yeah, sure. But Neil was great. He was really funny.

And I loved his comedy specials. Very, very funny.

Very, very. All of his comedy specials on Netflix.

Are very, very funny.

So go check out Neil Brennan.com. We thought that was important to mention that again, seeing as most people probably missed it. Missed most of the episodes. So if you didn't, if you didn't hear the Neil Brennan episode, then go watch the Neil Brennan special on Netflix, available right now. All right.

All right.

Well, we just did an hour and 40 minutes worth of content for an hour long show. But, you know, that's the way it goes.

The cookie crumbles.

That's how the cookie crumbles. We try and get serious on this show. It just makes us upset. All right, but for $5, I'll send you that sex, I'll send you that segment of the show and you can listen to it. That's right. That's a good idea.

I know. That'll maybe be my introduction to AI.

Here's a question. Would you, if we put behind a paywall all the episodes and segments that we have not run on this show for multiple very different reasons, would you pay us to listen to it? Because if you would, then I changed my stance on whether or not I would ever run them again. That's a good 199, 99 a month, three year minimum contract, credit check approved. All right, here's what you do. You go to tcbpodcast.com. That's where you find all the audio, all the video, more information about the show. Get your free bumper sticker. I think we might have a few, few piggy fronting stickers left, but I'm not necessarily sure about that. So. But if you want your next gen sticker, then go there to the website, hit the contact us button, drop down menu. I want my sticker. Give us your address, we'll send it off to you. No problem. We also want you to be a part of the commercial break. We've already got a couple of people lined up, more than a couple people. I think we've got like five or six now people lined up. We're going to start that very soon, so don't worry.

And some very interesting stories coming your way from these people. If what they say in the text messages is what they're going to talk to us about on air.

The one you read me today was.

Yeah, that's another segment will not have to. Yeah, I know. That was intense. 121-2433 TCB. That's 121-243-3822 just let us know you want to be on the show. Give us some information about what you want to discuss and we'll get in contact with you. You can also leave questions, comments, concerns, content, ideas on that phone number, voicemail or text message. Add the commercial break on Instagram, TCB, podcast on tick tock and YouTube.com. The commercial break. Thanks, Doctor Phil, you nudnick. All right, Chrissy, I think that's all I can do for today. But I'll tell you that I love you.

I love you.

I'll say best to you and best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time. Chrissy and I always say. We do say, and we must say goodbye.