See, to y'all, I only appear to be riding a bicycle, but to me, I'm putting miles between me and a dirty bitch on this episode of the commercial break. Yeah. I'm so glad we get to do all of our masturbating at home now. Yeah, the Internet has brought us privacy. I can do it wherever I want, whenever I want. I mean, well, not here, but, you know, not in this household. But there is six to 7 seconds a day when you get privacy. So if you're quick about it, you can figure it out. I'm just gonna be like, hey, hon, I'm gonna go fill up my dune popcorn bucket. I'll be right back. Me and Ducey are gonna go in the bathroom for a few minutes. Leave me alone. I just wanna be with my dune toy. The next episode of the commercial break starts now. Hey, guys and kittens. Welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is the beautiful co host of this damn show, Chris and Joy only. Best to you, Chris.

Bestie Ryan.

Fuck around and find out. Best to you out there in the podcast universe. How the hell are you? Thanks for joining us. You know, I know this is gonna be, this will be, like, out. We're gonna air this maybe a week after it actually happened, maybe even longer. But the eclipse was just recently.

Yeah, yeah.

And that got me all excited.

Eclipse mania.

Yes. The same way helping my son's homework gets me excited. I don't care. I don't care. No one cares. It's an eclipse. Didn't we just see an eclipse, like, three years ago?

Yeah.

Why do I 20? 1727. Was it that long ago? It was in 2017. I thought I had children when the last eclipse happened. No, I thought I had less children.

I don't know.

I thought I had more children than I actually had. That's crazy. But of course I was here. I was watching the news coverage, wall to wall news coverage on every fucking.

Channel of, you know, everywhere. Yeah.

Get it? It's exciting, you know, that the universe doing a little peekaboo for us.

Peekaboo?

Little magic trick.

Yeah, it was kind of. It was kind of eerie, kind of spooky for a minute.

It was a trick. I mean, I know that half the country experienced this, so I'm telling them something. And they probably experienced some of them experiencing in totality. So it's different than what we experienced. Even the smallest amount of sunlight still is very bright outside. It's not like it went dark like I saw on tv some other places.

Yes.

But it does turn like, this weird 3d color outside, and the shadows start moving. Doesn't look like looking in, like, a weird 3d glasses or something.

Exactly.

The kids were totally freaked out, running around because we had to explain to them as on the way out the door to school, which they got out.

Before the eclipse, I was going to say. Cause I heard that the school was, like, canceled for some because they don't want kids to complain.

It's just too much of a temptation. You can tell kids all day long, don't look at the sun. What's the one thing they're gonna do is look at the sun? So I was telling my kids before I left, I had, like, I don't know, like, this scared straight dare moment where I was like, you know, just say no to staring at the sun. Like, don't do that. You can set on fire. Your eyes can set on fire. And so when one of my kids got home, she was literally so scared of the eclipse, she was, like, hiding behind the couch. I said, it's okay. You can come out and look outside. We're not gonna go out there. Like. And we didn't have the glasses and all that stuff. We figured just best, you know, safety first, Christy, basically, around this household, right?

That's all.

Safety first, budgeting last. That's the rule around this household. And so I was telling the children, it's okay. You don't have to worry about it. Don't freak out about it. We'll watch it on the television and we can see outside.

Yeah, that's the thing. You could just see it all over the tv.

Yeah. And it just. It didn't work. I have permanently scarred my children for life. And then my wife, who is a rather intelligent human being, or I wouldn't have married her, says, well, you know, I'm really scared about the children looking at the sun today because of the eclipse. And I said, well, don't worry about it. I had a little pep talk, more like a scared straight talk with him about them setting on fire if they should look at the sun. So I'm sure they probably don't want to go outside anymore. And she goes, yeah, I mean, it's so dangerous to look out today. You know, any other day, if you peek at the sun. I go, Astrid, what are you talking about? And she goes, well, any other day, you can look at the sun. And I was like, you can't look at the sun ever. There's no day upon which you can look at the sun. Did you not know that? And she's like, well, I've looked at the sun before and I'm like, who are you, Donald Trump? You can't look at the sun. You can't do that. You can't ever look at the sun.

Don't stare at the sun. Isn't that the rule?

Well, you can take a little peek.

A little peeky boo is okay.

Yeah. Like, see where it is in the sky to kind of get a directional thing about it, but yeah, well, the reason you can't really, like, stare at it with the eclipse is because you can. Because you can, like normally you kind of have to look, but I don't.

Know when the totality happens. Were they allowed to look at the sun? Because I saw a lot of people on television without glasses staring at the totality.

No, no, no.

I thought that was the whole thing is like, make sure you keep your glasses on the entire time because those solar rays can still hit you in the eyeballs. Unbelievable. I'm so old that I talk about the weather all day long and I still have people around me that don't know that staring at the sun is not a good thing. But then I remember that guy in India who's been eating sun for stargaze Sungazing for like 300 years and he's still alive.

But did you notice that we have those eclipses every year and a half? Yeah, we just don't see them because they help it happen out over the ocean.

Well, yeah, they happen over the ocean. They're all, they're constantly happening around the world. It's just, did it happen and affects.

So many people in the US to go straight across.

What a big fucking to do. Everybody made about. I mean, I understand there were eclipse.

Parties and eclipse playlists.

There was, they had some big party they planned down in Texas, some huge music festival or something. And then Greg Abbott set up like a immigrate, you know, stop all the immigrants from coming place right where they were going to have it, so they had to move it. And then there was bad weather, so they had to cancel it. And then some people had bought camping sites and they showed up and it was like the fire festival, actual fire. It was like so fucked up. The best laid plans, you know what I'm saying? But you know where all the action was happening. Where all the action was happening. Cl a good eclipse information you could only get from next door. Ah. So let's see. Let's go back to the past. Let's go into the future, back to the past and see what the people on next door are saying about what were they thinking? I don't think they were thinking. I don't think they were thinking. All right. So one person says, does anybody know where a good spot might be to look at the eclipse? I have a big space in my yard where I can see the sun at that time.

But I figured getting higher would make for a better look. Where getting. How high do you think you're gonna get? Like getting higher. What are you talking about?

They need the ladder.

Yeah, they need the base ladder is what they need. Yeah, that's right. That's the dumbest question I've ever.

They could clean their leaves off the roof too.

Yes. Made a piece of paper with a hole in it to look at eclipse. Check out picture. The picture is of a colander, like a pasta strainer. That's it. That's all it is.

I use those.

I know, but that's not a piece of paper with a hole in it. The other one that I thought was harness the energy of today's eclipse time to manifest abundance and positivity. Handing out free tarot card readings inside my tarot card place during eclipse.

Don't worry about watching it.

That's right. Solar eclipse glasses available. Four pairs available. Now only three. That's what I wrote on them.

Or four. Now only three.

Yeah, in real time. They were updating how many pairs of glasses they had.

This one person came by and picked up a pair.

Yes, I have piercing blue eyes. Did this happen because of the eclipse? You know, animals tend to do weird stuff during eclipses. That is the post. Piercing blue eyes. Does this happen because of the eclipse?

That's, that makes no sense.

Yes.

Well, speaking of animals, though, did you notice anything with blue or she just continued, oh, no.

Blue was fucking crazy yesterday. Yeah, but that's like, I don't know, normal or. I'm not really sure. Here's a lady who shared that. She got a picture of the eclipse. However, clouds were rolling by, so the cloud. So could you please edit out the clouds? Sure, we'll edit out the clouds. Have you seen that guy? It's like, can you fix this?

No.

There's like a famous, he's like a photographic editor and he's really good at Photoshop and he's got this instagram and it's like, can you fix this?

And people submit stuff.

Yeah, they submit stuff and it'll be like, can you take my, you know, I don't like my, me and my ex boyfriend aren't together anymore. Can you take him out of the picture?

Pretty ingenious and then he'll do something funny with it.

It's pretty good. He's pretty good at it. Hi, neighbors. Having a little eclipse party, if you would like to come. Thanks. No address given, no phone number. Thanks. No responses. By the way, no one volunteered for the creepy guy eclipse party. The creepy guy. I took a video of a possum that I tried to save, but he didn't make it. Was hoping the eclipse would help him along. Tender care. Tender care.

The eclipse was just a resurrect him.

Yes. Awesome.

It is like, well, maybe the eclipse.

Will say he's only got his head squished. Maybe his body will survive. Oh, those possums are like, ugh. I know, big rats with huge tails. And I know some people had. They have them as pets. No, no, that's really weird. Molly writes, good evening. Missed the eclipse. Any way that I can see it somewhere else, let me know.

TV, television or YouTube, NASA.com, Instagram. Gov, or whatever.

Any place would be able to see people on Nextdoor, man. They just like. I don't know. They've all lost their collective minds. It really is the dumbest social network out there because I think the average age is 77 that they're using. Speaking of 77, average age, my mom is going to be on the show with us Manana. So you want to tune in? She's going to answer a few of the listener questions. And while we're talking about listeners, I just want to say that over the last, I don't know, three or four weeks, we have gotten some really touching listener.

I know you sent me some of those. Wow.

And I'll read them out on another day. But I just wanted to. I just wanted to say this, like, acknowledge it. Acknowledge it. This is a really fucking easy job. I'm not gonna. We're not gonna complain. You know, you come in here, you talk on the microphone for a couple of hours. Sure, there's some stress involved here and there, and you don't get paid anything from most for most of your podcasting career. But at the end of the day, if you're gonna do it as a job or pretend to do it, I think you actually get paid at a job. So it's not a job if you're actually gonna do this for any reason.

Whatsoever, is what we're doing a five year internship.

How proud our spouses and parents are.

We're doing it for the love of the industry or the hate one of the two.

We're not sure we're either doing this despite people or because we love them, we don't know. But like Astrid was, who mainly responds to emails and most of the text messages Astrid puts her hands on. And quite frankly, she's the only one I trust responded in an appropriate way. But she was reading these emails and responding to them and a couple of them were really touching. Like the kind of email, and I'll read them in detail on a future episode, but the kind of email where it's like, hey, I was really going through a very shitty time in my life. And thank God for you guys.

Cause you guys are going through an even shittier.

Cause you guys are going through it.

Made me feel better.

That's right.

I think is where that one was going.

That's right. I filed for bankruptcy and I was down.

That was bad. I turned on your podcast.

Filed for bankruptcy, down to my last $27. And then I found you and realized you're down to your last negative $720,000. Congratulations. But it had a weird.

No, they were very.

It had a weird effect on me.

Yeah.

Because I. I think we've gotten these emails before, but for some reason this string of emails is. Four or five emails that were similar in nature. Really got to me. I was like, oh, wow. I did. Have we actually done something positive for the universe as something positive has? Come on.

It was the eclipse.

I think people are losing their mind. Isn't Jupiter in ascension or something? Mercury's in retrograde.

I can barely keep up with the full moon.

Well, I think mercury. Mercury is in retrograde right now. What that means, that explains everything. I don't know what it fucking means, but I blame everything.

Move slower or something. I don't know.

I don't know. Everyone's depressed and angry and satisfied. I think we've been in retrograde since 2015, if I'm being honest. But we do have the best listeners in the world and I just wanted to. I'll preempt the actual reading of the emails by saying that what lovely listeners that we have and how touching that is, because in lieu of payment, we need something to hang on to. And so those emails are doing us.

They're keeping us going.

They're keeping us going. Unfortunately, the mortgage company called and said they will not take that email as payment. So please send your donations to tcbpodcast.com, the best little charity in the world.

We need to register as like a 501 C three.

Yeah. I don't even know what that means.

But yes, we tax exempt.

Is that tax exempt?

Yeah.

Yeah. How do you do that? How do you get one of those regular. Yeah, but can we, like, feed ourselves with those? Can we be a 5013 c and then take paycheck?

Scientology does it. A lot of religious.

Don't say Scientology because in this episode we'll never end. Speaking of kooky universe bullshit, the Scientologists are the weirdest of the weird. And any time we have tried to do an episode on Scientology, something freak out, freaky happens. Some kind of technical issue appears. And I am not a conspiracy theorist. I don't believe in, you know, I don't believe in a lot of the hooky kooky bullshit, but I will say that, like, four separate times is not a coincidence. There is something strange, whether it's some universal energy. Maybe the scientologists are right. Maybe Theegon or Egon or whatever his name is, is controlling the strings from outer space. And he's decided that the commercial break is the straw that's gonna break the camel's back. So I'm not gonna let them talk about it.

Is that kind of like the three body problem? So you got me watching that.

Oh, are you watching the three body problem?

I watched the first episode and started the second.

Are you. Are you hooked?

It's very interesting.

It's very interesting. All more becomes clear. Yeah.

You'll start pulling strings, Chrissy.

I'll tell you what. I didn't want to go on this stuff. I didn't want to talk about this, but we'll talk about it anyway. The three body problem. I know the three body problem is a fascinating television show, if you're into that kind of thing. And I am not a Sci-Fi type of guy. I'm not into Star Trek. You know, I'm not a. That's not my thing. Game of Thrones, all that shit. It's not my thing. I just needed something to watch while I was putting my daughter endlessly to sleep. Endlessly, all night long to sleep, to sleep, to sleep. And I started watching three body problem because I had run out of other shows that I wanted to watch. So I started watching three body problem. I got hooked almost immediately. And now I've been to the end.

I've seen the end.

I will tell you what. It is a highly dissatisfying ending. They're absolutely. Has to be a season two. Absolutely, or it makes no fucking sense whatsoever.

Do you know the whole story of it? Have you looked at any of the whole story? Because I've seen bits and pieces of how. Because it was a big.

It's a big series of novels, right?

Over in China.

Yes.

And a big mogul. I'm gonna say this all wrong, but he a billionaire, okay? A guy who I think had, like, a video game, a gaming company. He got, you know, he was in the culture and heard about it and wanted to turn it into this series, which now is. He got in touch with the people that did Game of Thrones and HBO or Netflix.

Yes, on Netflix. Yeah.

So anyways. But one of his employees killed him.

Killed him?

Yeah. Over, like, a demotion or something. So this guy never even. Is not able to even see this coming to fruition.

Or is he?

Or is.

It's a fascinating movie. And I think I read somewhere where. I think I read somewhere that Netflix is not the only streamer that's adapting some version of the three body problem. I could be completely wrong. Probably am. Most of the time I am. But I think that I've read that, and that's what initially got my interest going about watching it anyway. It's like, oh, I just read an article about this. Let me see the three body problem. But it tells half the story. It's kind of like Dune part one. You're like, oh, fuck, I want to watch Dune part two. If you.

I didn't watch Dune.

You haven't watched Dune? You haven't watched Dune? How have you not watched Dune?

Because you've been keeping me busy with freaking 90 day fiance. Love is blind.

Oh, stop. All things that you're doing right now and go watch that Timothy shout out on my mama. Go watch him in that movie, because that movie is fucking excellent. And I, Zendaya, I have the biggest crush on her, of course. She is incredible. Dune one. And I can't wait to see Dune two when it comes out on a small theater, because I'm not allowed to go to the big theater. 34 fucking children. But I cannot wait to see that dune part two. And I sure as shit hope they make a dune part three. He says he might. If he gets the right script, he might make a dune part three.

Okay.

But those are some of the Sci-Fi things that I just, like, randomly fall into. I was really fascinated when the dune trailers, the original.

Yeah, they looked fascinating.

And I watched it, and I was just blown away. I was like, this is movie making. Fuck, yeah, this is movie making. And while the three body problem does not affect me in that way, like, the filmmaking isn't as rich or detailed or, you know, the photograph, or in a desert, or in a desert in a future land where everything's gray and spacey, and there's big worms that jump from one sand pile to the other. I mean, that's just amazing. But I do want to talk about the dune popcorn cups. You led me right down the primrose, not even knowing to talk about the dune popcorn buckets. Have you seen this? Okay, I'm going to show you a dune popcorn bucket when we get back, and you're going to be quite surprised, or not at all surprised, at what people, mainly men, have decided to do with the dune popcorn bucket.

Intriguing.

Let's take a break and we'll be back.

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Okay. So along with the big dune two, which just came out a couple of months ago, a huge international smash success. Every. Some people saying it's one of the best movies ever made, I reserve judgment. I haven't seen it. But. But what comes along with a movie franchise that's that popular is all the accouterments. The toys, the merch. The merch. All the merch. Every kind of merch. And what AMC decided to do is that they were going to put together a little popcorn bucket that they could sell. And I want you to take a look at that popcorn bucket and tell me what you think that is. You have to stick your hand in that sand vagina in order to get your popcorn.

Wow.

So what some people have reportedly been doing is fucking popcorn bucket. Yes.

Oh, my God.

And I have read articles, whether they be satire or not. I have read articles where certain young men have decided to give it a go and say that it's fantastic.

Really?

So much so that as I stand here today in the middle of April. As I sit here today in the middle of April on eBay, they are $200. $200. There are some horny Dick dudes looking to get their dicks wet in this popcorn bucket. And I gotta say, I agree. I mean, I'm just like. That looks like.

What a. Try it, too.

It looks like a, you know, like a french tickler kind of vagina.

Well, after your failed attempt with the other.

This looks like a hole I can fit into. Yes. This looks at least half an inch wide. Something I can probably fit into comfortably. I mean, after my experience with the VW bus, also known as the, you know, world's best pocket pussy. It vibrates. It sucks, it fucks, it does it all. If you can manage to get inside of the thing, which I couldn't, so I put that down. This popcorn bucket looks right up my alley.

I mean, easy entry.

Yeah. What could I put in the popcorn? A jell O or something? I'll put something in there. I mean, I'm not that long, so I don't even think I'd reach the jello. But this thing is a. For those of you who haven't seen it, just google dune popcorn bucket and you'll see it. It is a popcorn bucket. On top of it is a plastic sandworm that looks exactly like something you would stick your dick into.

Yes, it does.

And of course, I'm going to be a three year old and keep on. Keep the joke rolling here and say that it does look like something you would stick your dick into. As a matter of fact, I think I'd get nervous if I was on a date and some guy, you know, bought the dune bucket.

Oh, I see. It fits on top of it.

Fits on top of the bucket. You're supposed to stick your hand and they.

They're gone. And now they're on eBay. Is that right?

Yeah, there's no more. I don't know. I guess there's no more left. And now they're on eBay. Brand new popcorn bucket novelty sandworm vessel. Dunsy. Brand new, whatever that means. $200. $200. Oh, here's one slightly used dune popcorn bucket to AMC. Doocy. Do see, spelled d u s s Y. Let me guess what the upside down d stands for, right? I mean, the upside down P stands for doocy is not supposed to be doocy. It's supposed to be pussy, if you know what I mean. Yeah. Oh, look, there's a Ghostbusters frozen empire slimer popcorn bucket too. I think I could fuck that too. Oh, here's a blue beetle one. Yeah, I could fuck that. Yep. King Godzilla 2024, popcorn bucket, $61 from Thailand. I could fuck that too. I could fuck any of these popcorn buckets, to be quite honest.

One place.

Listen, why bother going anywhere else? Just go to your local AMC. You got it all there. Make sure you're in a quiet row by yourself. You know, you can. You know, the thing about going to the movies now is you pick your seat beforehand.

That's right.

Which, quite frankly, I love because I hated that, doing that dance in movie theaters. You know, you just prayed that it was like a slow night at the movie theater. So you get a good seat where you have to sit next to somebody who's using their phone, laughing or making obnoxious noises the entire time. And so I always, I don't care what movie I'm seeing. I don't really necessarily care about the location of the seat. I want to get a seat that's away from other human beings because they bother me so much. So I just try and pick the one that's furthest away from any other seat that's taken.

Right.

That's my whole goal when I go there. So if you're gonna go and get your popcorn, juicy, then what you gotta do is you gotta make sure you have a seat by yourself. This is not legal advice, by the way. You gotta talk to your lawyer before you do this, but go over there and have yourself a nice time. Watch Dune. Get Zendaya, Timothy Chalamet, if that's your thing. And then fuck the popcorn bucket. Matter of fact, I think I'm gonna do this and I'm gonna record it and I'll bring back the results. Did Brian fit in the popcorn bucket or not?

Yeah, maybe don't do it, though, at.

The theater, but, yeah, why not? Pee wee did it and he just got like a fine. Ruined his career. But I'm no Pee wee Herman. But, you know, Peewee was all over it. We used to have this movie theater. I don't know if you remember this. The Buckhead theater. Do you remember that? Well, there's a bucket theater now.

Buckhead theater.

Oh, Buckhead cinema is actually what it was called the Buckhead cinema. It was in one of the nicest parts of Atlanta, probably the nicest part of Atlanta called Buckhead. And it's been all redone. Like almost all shitty downtowns have been. They've been eaten up by developers and made into these super fancy outdoor malls and shopping areas in retail. And that's all nice and wonderful. Adds value to the houses, makes everything looks nice. And it's a lot of fun to go to on a Saturday afternoon. But back in the day, we were like, kind of like a small.

There's no grit to it.

Yeah, there's no grit to it. There's no. There's no danger. You're not feeling weird about going. When I was a teenager, like in my late teens, there was all kind of grit to Buckhead. There were a lot of, like, shitty bars that only people under 25 years old went to. And they were basically fire hazards altogether. And it was just a row of bars that everybody went to in the middle, you know, to get fucking hammered in the middle of the night. And then Ray Carruth stabbed somebody, or somebody stabbed somebody. And then it all went downhill after the Super bowl here. But what it used to be was kind of like a mini Times Square. Back in the eighties, you could get all your fashionable wares and ladies of the night and gentlemen of the night and everything right down there in that Buckhead Square. And what the mainstay of that Buckhead square was the Buckhead cinema, which was a pornographic movie theater. And that's all they showed. And so for years, as a young teenager, 13 to 1617 years old, it was so taboo to talk about the cinema, to want to go to the cinema.

We had to go to the cinema. We had to find out, you know, most of us had never seen a porn.

You wanted just to attain that goal.

Yeah, there were tits right behind that dark, dingy door. And all we had to do was convince the guy up front that we were 18 years old. But, you know, we were still at that age. We were scared of pussy. So we didn't do. So we didn't go there until I was like, I'm gonna call it 16, I think. Like, you know, like late 16, early 17, something like that. And we had a friend who knew the guy at the front door. There's an older gentleman, like a friend of the family or something. Why he was working there.

Friend of the family?

Yeah. Hey, kids, you want me to babysit you on Tuesday night? It's the only day my electronic monitor doesn't work. I gotta charge it. I'll be right back. I'm gonna go diddle. So we pounced on the opportunity. I cannot tell you how nervous and scared I was of this whole situation, because while it sounded all great and awesome, doing it is like, another thing, you know? Remember the neverending story?

Oh, yeah.

Where atreyu, or whatever his name was, had to go through the two sphinxes, the naked girls with the boobies. Right. So that that whole scene right there describes what it was like for Brian managing to get his way into the pornographic movie theater. Because there were tits that you didn't want to look at, because if they smelled fear, then they would kill you. And you had to just run, like, run a treyou run. So we got up to that front door. The guy wasn't working there. He wasn't up front. It was like some older lady. And she was so gruff. I'll never forget she was smoking a cigarette in that box office. It had one of those little speakers with bulletproof glass. Because that's the kind of place Buckhead was at the time. And she's like, yeah. And so my friend, who was 18 at the time, was like, uh, is this three of us or four of us? He's like, four, you know, four tickets, please. And she's like, ids. And he takes out his id, and he puts it against the window. And she goes, and your friends? And he looks at us, and he goes, they're 18.

And she goes, $23.

Okay.

She didn't even ask.

Yeah, she got in.

We got in, and we walked in there mid movie because we didn't know what movie to ask to go to see. That wasn't that kind of theater. You didn't pick the movie. There was just a movie on.

And you walked in one theater. Theater.

I think it had two theaters. I think it had a one and a two. If I'm not mistaken. And we just walked into the first door that saw before.

Let's go.

Yeah, we're in. We're scared. Don't look at the tits. They're gonna kill you. And I remember opening that door and just the noises coming out of that place. And I don't mean, like, the noises from people in there. I mean the noises from the movie. Like, you know? And I walked in, and there was some girl getting reamed from behind. It didn't take three minutes for me to sit down, assess the other human beings in the place, and quickly tell my friends, it's time to go.

We gotta go.

This is not worth it. We're not here to whack off with these other pedestrians. It was dangerous. There were, like, six other dudes in the place, and all of them turned around. And we walked in, you know. Cause that little light cracks through the door. And they all turned around, like, hunched over, though, like, you know, don't look. Don't look at my face. And I'll never forget one guy had, like, a hoodie on. But at the time, hoodies weren't, like, a super popular thing for people to be wearing. And so I instantaneously believed that I was gonna get shot or, you know, I was gonna. I don't know. I thought it was gonna explode. I didn't know what was gonna happen. I couldn't enjoy a second of the movie because I was too creeped out by what was going on around me. And then I realized as I was sitting on that chair, that just sitting on that chair meant I was gonna have to burn my clothes. So I was like, I'm out of here. I'll see you later. I was like, I gotta get out. What are we gonna do?

We made it in.

Yeah, we made a mistake, guys. Get out. Get out now.

Abort mission.

Abort, abort. This isn't. These aren't the droids you're looking for. Oh, my gosh. I was in there for so few minutes, and I just left because it was creepy.

Got a bad feeling.

Yeah. I'm so glad we get to do all of our masturbating at home now.

Yeah.

The Internet has brought us privacy. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. I mean, well, not here, but, you know, not at this household, but there is six to 7 seconds a day when you get privacy. So if you're quick about it, you can figure it out. I'm just going to be like, hey, hon, I'm going to go fill up my dune popcorn bucket. I'll be right back. Me and Ducey are going to go in the bathroom for a few minutes. Leave me alone. I just want to be with my dune toy. Kids, don't play with the dune toy. I got it. Disinfectant. Just don't. Don't play with it. You might get pregnant. Don't touch it, honey. Did you ever go to a porn theater?

No.

No. Did you go. Have you ever been to a strip club?

Oh, are you asking me that? We worked together.

Oh, yeah.

That's true.

No, I mean, like, a male strip club. Like a mail review.

Oh, yes, I have.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Did you ever go down to the one down?

Yeah, that closed now, but yeah.

That's a shame.

Swinging Richard Richards.

Swinging Richards. What a name. What a name. Just a staple in Atlanta for the longest time. A male strip club.

Yeah.

Who? Do you remember I told you that?

And there was the gold club, and that was where one side was women and one side was men. That went to, like, a bachelorette party there.

That was the weirdest place. They didn't serve alcohol or the Coronet club is what. The Cornet club is what it was called. And you had to bring your own booze. So it was like, a weird situation. I think that's the way they managed to get both strip clubs in the same place as you didn't. Or maybe there had been too many murders there or something. I don't know.

But they.

You couldn't bring. You couldn't buy booze there. You could buy mixers. So you got to bring your own alcohol into the club. And then you literally took a right or a left into whichever section you fancied. And it was always just.

You could peruse the whole thing.

We were talking.

I remember I was just kind of in awe with the whole thing. All right. Sort of a bachelorette. Stop. You know, I think we also did the buckhead scene, and so it was very interesting.

And so, like, do the guys get, like. And I think we've. We've talked about. This was many, many episodes. Do the guys when they're stripping? And I've been to. I was. I went to swinging Richards, and I think the answer to this is yes, but I'm just gonna ask you, do they get, like, half hardys? They get, like, hardee's?

Yes.

Yeah, yeah. I remember that about. I went to swingin Richards one night. I had a girl that I was dating, and I was just so smitten with her kitten. And if you know what I mean.

I do.

Okay. And she was supposed to come hang out with me one night, but she got an invitation to go to swinging Richards instead. And I said, oh, that really sucks. You know, I'd love to hang out with you because I really was smitten with her kitten. I just wanted to touch her and be with her and hang around with her, you know, like that smell. The smell. I had the smell. Yeah, the smell was there. And so I was like, you know, ravenously hungry for the smell, the hormones, the hormone smell. And so she said, well, listen, why don't you come meet us at swinging Richards, and then you can. I'll come back home with you. And I was like, swinging Richards? All right, I'll go.

Because I was.

I didn't care. Right?

Yeah.

And so I went in there, and I do remember seeing some half hearts, and I always thought that was like somebody told me, do you remember I told this story about a girl whose boyfriend ended up getting a job at Backstreet? And so he would always encourage me to go to his apartment with his wife and hang out with her till he came home from work at five in the fucking morning.

Right?

And it was just a weird situation. It really felt like the guy was pawning his wife off on me so he could be on the down low and do the things that he wanted to do.

In other words, sure, that's probably what was happening, what was going on.

He was gay, and he wanted to do his dalliances, and he wanted his wife to not be lonely or distracted. They had just moved here to Atlanta from the north. And so he. We all worked at the same restaurant for a period of time, but then he went off to work at this club called Backstreet, which we just recently talked about. And Backstreet, while. While everyone went there, was known as a gay club. That's really what it was. Right? And so he went and worked there as a bartender for a while and then ended up working at the coronet club for a while. And so something he told me, which is probably just a wives tale, like, you know, one of those urban myths. He said that it was illegal in the state of Georgia for a male stripper to be erect during a set, during a dance. Huh. But that's not what I witnessed.

No, me either.

That's not what I witnessed. I witnessed quite a. A lot of salutes, a lot of saluting going on. And not everyone, but some, right? And they were at least fluffing themselves before they went out there. And that makes sense.

You want to go show off shot for that.

You want to go out in your best light.

Listen, you want to make money?

If I was a stripper, which I would never be, because no one's going to pay to see this body, but if I was a stripper, I'd want to go out full macho, man. Yeah, because that's the only way you're going to see my penis from any, you know, from 5ft off the stage, is if I'm fully there. Like I'm, you know, raised at full attention. Otherwise, it's just gonna be kind of a weird, you know, where did his penis go? Kind of thing, you know?

Peekaboo.

Peekaboo. A total eclipse of my dick. It's a dick eclipse. What do you want me to do?

It's the universe.

Where can I go to see Brian's dick eclipse? Do I have to get higher or lower? I had a full dick eclipse. It's what happened. I'm sorry. Yeah, but it was.

So did you end up with the girl later?

Yes, I did.

Okay, good.

Yeah, we ended up dating for a short period of time, but we had been through so many long nights of being fucked up together. It's kind of like we. You know, did you ever have a drug friend or, like, an alcohol friend? Like someone that you just mainly got fucked up with? And the friendship was born out of all those weird conversations that happened. The more twisted you get, the deeper the conversation, the less meaningful it actually is. But you think in the moment, you're fucking Sigmund Freud. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

Getting worked out.

Sigmund Freud. Meaning I've done way too much cocaine and I'm analyzing another human being. So that's kind of what happened between the two of us, is just that it got, like. We got so into each other's heads over all of these super long nights. And a lot of weird stuff went down in the time that he. That this guy was, like, pushing me to hang out with his wife. Right.

Okay.

This was going on for, like, nine months, a year or something. And then they broke it off. And when they broke it off, we gave it a go because I wasn't about to sleep with his wife. I just wasn't going to do it, even though I think he wanted me to. And I think he wanted to pretend that I was so that he felt better about whatever was going on, not. And that's not what ended up happening. But when they broke it off, it was like, green light, go. And we were so close already because of all of these long nights. But there's something about when you meet somebody, and drugs and alcohol are the main reason or the main catalyst to deepening your relationship. You are fucked. I mean, you are fucked because there is nothing there. No, it doesn't work out. Anybody out there who's ever done any kind of cocaine, lsd, mushrooms, and been with a woman or a man who then that relationship kind of forms around those activities. You will understand, or if you've even any been in any coked up conversation whatsoever, you will understand that while the conversation may seem important in the moment, the very next day you are embarrassed about what you said and you don't even remember.

You will literally plan changes to the world that will affect every human being while you're cooked up. You are going to save the world. You know how to get clean water, how to feed the children that aren't eating, how to take all the dogs out of terrible, miserable situations. You could run for president. You would know exactly what to do. All those conversations are had while you're coked up. The next morning, all you want is a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich and to sleep for the rest of the fucking day. You get nothing accomplished. That's it. Nothing. Because that's the way that fucking drug works. Or all drugs, really, at the end of the day. And so when we finally got our chance to, like, be in the sun and, you know, okay, we can date each other now.

Yeah.

It just kind of fell apart. Yeah. Because I think all those. And I think we realized we were both just full of shit. I think that's what happened. You're full of shit. I'm full of shit. Why are we doing this? Let's. Yeah, let's be friends. Let's go back to doing cocaine and being friends. That was a lot of fun.

Right?

And we did, and it was so. All right, let's take a break. And then I want to tell you about something. I want to play a little game with you.

Oh, okay.

I'll preface it. And you're going to like this. I know you are.

We'll be back.

Hey, podcast universe, it's astrid. While Brian and chrissy are here messing around in the studio, I am here doing the important work behind the scenes. So who better to tell you where to go than your favorite venezuelan producer? That's me. First, go to tcbpodcast.com and check out the website I helped design. Then hit the contact us button and send us your address to get your free TCb sticker that I also designed. You can text us at 212433 tcv. And it's likely I'll be the one to respond. And one last favor. Follow us on Instagram hecloud. Commercial break. It takes me a lot of time to create all those posts. You can watch the show@YouTube.com thecommercialbreak and see how I made brian and chrissy look good in that studio. See, brian, you're not the only one I boss around. And now let's hear from our sponsors while I go back to work.

Okay? Watching a video the other night from the fifties, forties or fifties, and it's basically females in the workplace is what it was. You know, one of those old, like, you know, educational videos trying to get women to get out there in the workplace and make a name for themselves out in the business world. And it was all centered around typing. That's what they needed to learn. Yeah, typing, typing, typing.

That's the same thing. There were supposed to be secretaries.

That's right. Secretaries are note takers or whatever, and these are days gone by. But this was really the one job that could be had by a lady that would be somewhat in the reputable business world was to, or like in the executive world, would be to be a secretary who could type many words per minute. And the narrator was explaining that if you can't even type 100 words a minute or 90 words a minute, whatever the thing was, then you're certainly not no prospect for getting a job. So you need to take your typing classes, pay attention, and practice, practice, practice. It was like this half hour video, and it was so. I don't know, it was so degrading to women. It's hard to understand just how people were thinking back then, but they were. And then I thought to myself, it's 2024. I bet we all type 100 words a minute on our fucking phones. We're all so fast with those phones, right? Don't you think?

Yeah.

Okay, so I want to know how many words per minute you can type with your phone. Do you think you could do that?

I guess. I don't know. How many are you. You want me to try it?

That's what I want you to do. I want you to open up a note. Okay. I'm gonna give you a minute on the clock, and I want you to. What should we type? Type happy birthday. Okay, well, not happy birthday. That's not enough words. What's a good one? Star Spangled Banner oh, say can you see by the don'ts or they like. But of course, I don't even know how to spell half those.

I know.

So.

Twas.

Twas the night before Christmas. Why don't you just write whatever you want to write? Like, whatever you want to write. Whatever comes to your head. Or do you want me to say something and then you write it down?

I don't know. Pressure.

Pressure.

And also, aren't we talking into our phones now for typing?

I am.

I know.

I'm too lazy to type anymore. Okay, here's what I want you to do. I've got this David Spade fly on the wall. David Spade Carvey. Or, excuse me. David Spade, Dana Carvey. Ad here. I want you to type those words. Do you want me to read it to you?

Wait. From the high.

No, from right here. From this.

From David's Bay.

This paragraph down.

Okay, I'll try.

Okay, let me hold it for you. Okay, here we go. Wait, let me put the. Let me put the clock on. You can't see it. Well, geez. So picky. You're already fired.

I didn't want the job.

I knew women were too much. Are you ready?

Well, let's see, because I haven't really done. Okay, let's do it this way.

Okay. On your mark, get set, go. All right, we're 3 seconds in, and she seems to be doing very well. I see those thumbs moving very quickly across the screen. Float like a butterfly, type like a bee.

Wait. Oh, no. I got messed up.

Don't worry about the messing up. Just keep going. We'll check it for accuracy. We'll check it for accuracy. And she's off to the races, folks. Look at her. She's. She. If she could just learn to dress appropriately, we certainly would hire here, here at the commercial break. I mean, in low cut, lots of makeup. Got to get your hair done every day. Yeah. Skirts down to your knees, girls. Make sure you're not one inch above the knee rule. And that's back in the forties and the sixties. It slowly went up, so. Wow, you're doing a great job there. Holy. I can see a lot of typing going on there. I don't know what it's saying, but we'll see how it goes. Got 5 seconds.

Okay.

Stop.

Okay.

Okay, let's see. Let me see. All right. 1234-5678 910, 1112, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19 202-122-2324 you have no chance of getting a job in 1950.

Also, they were typing on typewriters.

Well, yeah, but, I mean, I could bring the. You want me to bring the typewriter over here? No, no, the pad. Okay, let's see if I can do it. You start your clock.

Okay.

Okay. And then I'll.

And then I'll tell me when to go.

Okay, ready? Yep. Go, go.

You really going over there?

I'm trying to. Oh, no big word like previously.

I know.

I don't even know how to spell that when I'm looking at it.

Well, it just autocorrects, too.

Yeah, I think I'm doing really good.

All right, you're halfway through.

Okay, there we go.

All right, keep going. You're hired.

Oh, yay. Don't tempt me. Don't tempt me with getting a paycheck every week. You know, what I do have to say is, I do have to say. Their new podcast has a description. Looks a lot like ours.

It sounds really good.

I think they stole our idea.

Yeah. And time.

Okay. All right, so 1234-5678 910 1112 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 21, 23-4567-8931-2345-6789-4123-4567-895 on the dot.

All right, good for you.

So I'm halfway to getting a job in the 1940 secretary pool, that's for sure. I mean, I assumed that we would be much better at typing because of how much that we all do type. Like, can you imagine that back in the forties and fifties, taking a typing class with the only hopes that you're. The hope is only that you could get a job as a secretary? That's insane. So you had to type that fast. I watched those courtroom reporters.

Oh, those stenographers.

You know what really got me going on? These stenographers, sorry, not typewriter people. You know what the typewriter people do? The typewriter people, well, they do, like.

A shorthand type thing, right?

They do. They do a shorthand thing. And so the reason.

Small little ones.

It's a tiny little thing, and it's got like, 16 buttons or something.

Yeah.

And those 16 buttons make certain, like, phrases, like.

They do.

Yeah, they do. And then they kind of, I don't.

Know exactly how it works, but I do know it shorthand.

I watched a video on this, and I was watching some of the, it was a gentleman who was doing this for court reporting, and then he went on to do it for, like, presidents and stuff. He would be in the room while they were having a meeting, and he would do this.

Transcribing.

Transcribing. And I'm telling you what, he was doing, like, 155 words a minute. He could literally keep up with anybody's conversation no matter how fast they talked. I wonder if he's met Brian Green before. But he was keeping up with these and it was just these series of things. And actually it looked really cool to me. I was like, I wish I had a skill like that. I wish I had any fucking skill except running my mouth. I wish I had one skill. Besides, I missed a boat a long time ago.

I mean, we should take typing.

Yeah, trust me, it's probably the only job we would be allowed to have after the commercial break is typing, like in a jail visiting room on the other side of the glass. Hey, man, I'll trade you some transcribing for pack of cup of soup for a cup of noodles. Cup of noodles for some ramen. No, I won't eat ramen anymore, man, not after I found out what it's made of. It ain't even pasta. But between, like, the transcribing video and then watching this entire 30 minutes documentary so degrading to any female form, it was incredible. And the women that were in this video looked like hostages. That's what they look like.

They probably felt like it was like.

Nine women in 910. Women in a room, all on a small desk, like a school desk, typewriters in front of them. And then this guy, this narrator dude was a host, was just walking around them and goes, nice job, Judy, but that's not gonna get you a job, you know? Oop, watch the spelling mistakes. Accuracy is the key, you know? God, I don't know. I don't know if Judy is ready. She just had a baby. It's like, oh my God, she can.

Never work again now.

No, no, no. You don't work after you have a baby. What do you. Please. That's what you're, that's what you're meant to do, is have a baby. You're not supposed to be out in the workforce after that. It's only for very young, very single women or very old women who've had their children already leave the house. It's the only way you would be a secretary and that's the only job you could get. Remember Mad Men? Did you ever watch Mad Men?

Oh, I loved that movie.

It was so fucking good. I just loved it so much. That's a great, I mean, I don't know, because I wasn't alive back then, but it seems like a great encapsulation of what was going on back then.

It does.

It's, you know, but the women certainly made their way in that world.

You had to be kind of like the woman behind the man, you know, kind of making things happen.

Yeah.

Without them. Without damaging their fragile ego.

Well, you know what they say, behind every good man is a dog that never stops barking.

So. Well, that's.

I'm sick for life.

Yeah.

Yes. I'm wondering if blue can type 125 words a minute, because pretty soon I'm gonna ask her to pay for her own food.

Yep. 125. Yep.

Submitted. Oh, yeah. She's got 125 barks a minute in her. No problem. That's like. That's like a lazy lap around. That's like Hussein bowl. Yeah. Doing a ten minute mile. She could get going. When she gets going, it's game over. Forget about it. No one's sleeping. No one's doing anything. I go, I mean, I'll tell this last story real quick.

I felt like her barks could, like, power your house somehow. You know, you could put that into energy.

Yeah. You remember Monsters, Inc. Where the scares would, like, power the whole town? I feel like if we could get a way to have turn her barks into thermal energy, we could literally create electricity for all of Uganda. I mean, I'm sure of it. And listen, I'd be happy to send her to Uganda if that's what you'd like. I'm happy to do it. I was just going to sleep. It was like, you know, midnight. I'm watching whatever I'm watching, eyes half masked. I'm in that moment. I'm in that zen. I'm going right to sleep until I hear. And I'm like, what is that? The bathroom door? And I'm like, what's that? What's that noise? So I get up and, oh, there she is. She heard it. She's like, they're talking about me. So I was like, what is that noise? It's in the bathroom. And now I'm getting scared because I'm thinking that there's like, a squirrel.

A rat?

Yeah, a rat, a squirrel, a possum. Something has got. Even though it'd be next to impossible for something to get into my bathroom, I'm thinking to my. I've seen stranger things happen. You know, maybe a squirrel came up through the drain or something. I don't know. Who knows? And so now I've got now making a bunch of fucking noise in the room. And everybody's sleeping. And I'm like, fuck, I'm gonna wake everybody up, but I'm not gonna take on this squirrel by myself. Everybody's gotta be prepared. If this squirrel gets out I don't want them running up and biting my daughter in the neck, you know? So then I keeps on scratching, keeps on scratching. And so just as I'm about to open the door, I've got a pillow, because I'm going to knock it backwards. I'm going to hit it with the pillow and knock it backwards. Then I'm going to slide. This is my whole plan. I grabbed the pillow, the only thing I know to grab, because of course, there's a million things in my room, but the pillow seems to be the one thing that's going to kill the squirrel, right?

It's like your shield.

Yes, it is. It was my shield. Like, down around my ankles because I could hear it at the bottom. So I go, I'm going to grab the door handle. I'm going to open it as quickly as I can, push the door back real fast with the pillow into the opening. Yes. Fling it. And then I'm gonna close the door behind me, I'm gonna turn on the lights, and then we're gonna go mano e mano me and whatever's back there. And I am scared fucking shitless because I'm like, I don't know what. It's not a human. That much I can determine, but it's something small, probably the size of a small suitcase. I don't know. I don't know what's going on.

I see how your brain was working. The pillar was a shield. You were deflecting it. And then you were gonna deal with it.

Yes, and then I'm gonna deal with.

It and then run out.

No, I'm. Oh, I'm gonna deal with it. I'm determined that I can't let my family be exposed to whatever.

This is awesome. You were gonna stay in there with it and fight it.

Well, or I was gonna jump on the counter, one of the two things. Jump on my bidet or whatever. Jump on the toilet. Whatever I was gonna do, it was gonna happen quickly. And so now I am like, adrenaline is full. It's 110%. I'm ready. And I'm like, I can hear it. And I'm like, okay, here we go. One, two, three. I swing open the door with the pillow like that, and I hear blue goes sliding the bathroom floor. It's fucking blue. I've been in bed for 3 hours. I didn't even imagine blue would be in there for. Why was blue in my bathroom for 3 hours? What are you doing? Taking a hot dump. What's going on in there?

Yeah.

So now I've come to realize that blue, who is as crazy as a shithouse rat, has decided that sleeping in my closet, like, we have two rows of hang. Like, two levels of hangers, you know? So one at the top and one at the bottom. She has taken to sleeping under the bottom row of clothing, and she just stays there until she decides it's time to go somewhere else. Yeah, she wakes up, and then she wakes everybody else up in the house by scratching those nails across the hardwood floor against the door. And then she goes into my baby's room, where she swings the door wide open so that all the light and all the noise comes in. And she wakes her up every night without fail. This dog is God. What did I do? I must have, like, I don't know, set an orphanage on fire or something. I don't know what happened. I think this is, uh. I don't know.

Makes you miss Niko the ghost dog.

That's right. I'm pretty. Niko the ghost dog was an angel compared to blue angel. She was. He was. He was such a little angel. My kids are still wondering when Nico is coming back, and I have to remind them that dead means not coming back. But, but, but I will. I will say this about blue. She is available for sale currently right now. $3.39 shipping and handling. I'll stick her in there with a postcard and a sticker. I'll sign blue, and I'll send her off to you if you. If you would like her.

She is like, loan her out. Like, she's not ride share, but dog share.

That's right. Like a blockbuster for dogs. Only I'm not going to penalize you if you don't bring her back on time. As a matter of fact, I'll pay you. It'll be my gift to you.

Oh, blue.

Oh, blue. You take up so much of my head.

Space night.

You're half the podcast. Is you barking or me talking about you barking? She call this the dog break. The blue break a commercial. Blue, thanks for showing up. Oh, I'll tell you what. Total eclipse of my dick. That's gonna be the name of this episode. Sounds good, actually, Christina, let's rethink that. We do have sponsors now, they may not want a total eclipse of the dick. Our editor is so wonderful. Christina, our editor.

Swinging Brian.

Yeah, she's so wonderful. But sometimes she gets a little too crazy on the titles. I have to pull it back a little bit. I'm like, well, I'm not sure Disney's gonna go for that one total eclipse of the dick.

She's amazing.

She is. We love her. Thanks, Christina. Don't name this. Total eclipse of the dick. Total eclipse of the d. How's that? That sounds better. All right, so listen, we want to have you on the show. We're so excited. We've got a number of listeners already lined up to come on the show. Show over the next couple of weeks. We'd like you to be a part of the action. All you got to do is text us and let us know what you want to talk about. You want to ask a question, ask our advice? Talk to Brian's mom. My mom will be on the show, I think, this week. I think tomorrow. All you got to do is text us. 212433 tcB. 212-43-3822 text us, give us a little rundown on what you'd like to discuss and, and then someone will set it up for you. The time and the place, the whens and the wheres, the whos and the whats. You know how it goes, Chrissy.

I do.

So do that because wed love to talk to you. And then you can also leave us questions, comments, concerns, content, ideas, all on the same phone number, voicemail or text. We accept them all. Please do get in contact with us. You can go to the website, hit the contact us button like apparently a lot of you have been doing, and write us an email. Wed love to hear from you. You can also get your free sticker, your free TCB sticker. Not sure which one it is right now, so I'm not gonna say it out loud because Astra doesn't want me to until she has them in her hand. But hit the drop down menu. I want my free sticker. Give us your address, we'll send it off. That's how it works. Add the commercial break on Instagram, TCBpodcast on TikTok and YouTube.com. Thecommercial break oh, I should probably tell you that TCB podcast is the website address. So there you go. All right, Chrissy, that's all I can do for today.

I think so.

But I love you.

I love you.

Best to you and best to you out there in the podcast universe, remember to cover your eyes when you're staring at the sun. We always say, we do say, and we must say goodbye.

I'm going to go. Telling us in this room.