I'm Ara Madison II.

And I'm Louis Vertell. This year, we're excited to bring you new episodes of keep it covering the holy trinity of awards season, Emmys, Grammys, and the granddaddy of them all, the Oscars. It's like the Super bowl for Hollywood, but with more sequins and fewer concussions.

And we are continually blessed by iconic guests like Michelle Yeo, Tori Kelly, Andy Cohen, and Jinx Masoon.

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On day three of Sarah Palin's one nation bus tour, she met with Donald Trump on his home turf right here in New York City.

Oh, my God, she's here. She's in the house with him. Wow, this brings up so many questions. Whose name will they put on the vehicle they travel in? Will they call it Traylin Palump? What will they call it? So Trump's showing pale on the town. I'm sure he took her to the best of the best, some classy place like the Trump all you can eat foie gras and caviar. Trump fogois and cafeteria, where you are guaranteed to contract Gout, the disease of kings.

The two broke bread. They went out for a slice of pizza in New York's Times Square, you know?

Huh? Slice of pizza. Respect.

The place is called famous familia pizza. It is an albanian chain of pizzerias.

It what famous familiars have 50th and Broadway? I mean, I've eaten there. Pizza is, you know, fine. I used to eat there a lot when I was working next door at Caroline's comedy club. It's good convenience pizza. Back in the 80s, there weren't a lot of food options in Times Square. It was either familiar pizza or scarfing down some edible underwear from one of the porn shops. And then Giuliani took that option away. You know, Donald, I don't want to say anything, but if you're taking an esteemed visitor to get real New York pizza familias, ain't it?

Dinner was great. We had great pizza. Wasn't that good. It was real York pizza.

No, it's not. Unless a real authentic New York pizza can also be found in terminal four of the Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport. It's familiar. It's a chain. And Governor Palin, by the way, no disrespect, no disrespect to you. You're a guest in our city. We should offer you the finest that our hospitality has to offer you. I just would have thought Captain Comover could have pulled that one off. I mean, for sake, it's New York City. I mean, I hate to use this term this close to ground zero, but we're a bit of a pizza mecca. I mean, you got Lombardi, honestly, Lombardi. Go down to Lombardi's. Oldest pizzeria in town, little Italy. Founded in 1905. They make their own pork sausage. You go to Grimaldi's under the Brooklyn bridge. A brick oven, but go there early. By 04:00, the lines out to the east river. Totanos, Coney Island. Maron, thin crust with sweet sauce. Arturos on Houston Street, Cole oven, lightly charred crust. Go to John's. Oh, John's. Go to the one on bleaker, if that's full. Go to the John's on the upper west side. It's not the same vibe, but the pies, Denino's on Staten island, they got the breadcrumbs on the bottom.

Go Joe's on Carmine street. Just get a slice. Go to Joseph Carmine Street. Donald, familiar amphibian in Broadway. Now I get it. I get it. You're in a hurry. Maybe there's security concerns. I'll forgive you this selection. I apologize. Let's just go to the content of your meeting and then we'll just. Son of a bitch. Mother. And you stack your slices. Donald, with all due respect, you stack slices of pizza, the steam from the bottom of the slice is going to make the top crust you piece. Maybe all those years. All those years of making your hair do whatever it is that it does. You think you can go around layering anything you want to layer and no one's going to say anything about it, but you cannot. You know something? I apologize. I apologize. No disrespect. I apologize. Let's continue with the meeting. Are you eating it with a fork? A fork? No. La forgetta satanica etol del bi ab diablo. Donald Trump, why don't you just take that fork and stick it right in New York's eye? Donald Trump, we work hard and you do this. You disrespect us in our own house?

Scatter. Gooch. You can put your name on everything. You can build your glass and gold painted building to the sky, blocking out the central park sun. It's fine. It's fine. But you invite an important visitor to our house, to our town, and eat your pizza with a fork right in front of us. Who the do you think you're. You know what? Hey, why don't you take a Fiorella LaGuardia's hat and feed it to Joe DiMaggio's crying ghost on Liberty island? You son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. Watch and learn. Watch and learn. For God's sakes. Watch and learn it. You fold it, you fold it, you fold it and you eat it. One hand, you got the other hand free. You pull a little parmesan, a little oregano, a little red pepper. Maybe you can point at your friend and go, delicious. Maybe a guy, you know, walks in and go, just take care of that thing you did. All right? They're very nice. Or maybe you just use your other hand to take an irresponsible amount of napkins, dab it on there, and maybe a few minutes later, you just throw them the out.

You just throw them out? Or you leave them on the table and go, you want to tip? Here's your tip. What do I look like, a bus boy? No disrespect. Actually, I was a bus boy. My point is this, Donald. I'm going to tell you a story. I'm going to tell you a story. I'm going to tell you a story, Donald Trump. My grandparents immigrated to this country. My grandfather worked as a taxi driver in Brooklyn. My other grandfather worked as a dry cleaner in Washington Heights. I do not come from successful stock, but every day, they worked their fingers to the bone. To the bone. Because it was their dream that someday their grandson could afford some dvds of all of Robert De Niro's movies so that he could, little jewish boy of latvian, lithuanian, and mongolian blood, could one day, one day, God willing, pretend to be italian on television. Now you're the ball sleep pizza with a fork. You know what? Based on how you eat pizza, Donald, I want to see your long form birth certificate. I don't think you were really born in New York.

I'm Ara Madison II.

And I'm Louis Vertel. This year, we're excited to bring you new episodes of keep it covering the holy trinity of awards season, Emmys, Grammys, and the granddaddy of them all, the Oscars. It's like the Super bowl for Hollywood, but with more sequins and fewer concussions.

And we are continually blessed by iconic guests like Michelle Yeo, Tori Kelly, Andy Cohen, and Jinx Masoon.

New episodes of keep it drop every Wednesday wherever you get your podcasts or subscribe to. Keep it on YouTube for access to full episodes and other exclusive content.

Like many of you, I heard some interesting. Let's call it news today about a certain, let's say, gift from heaven entering the presidential race. Because apparently Huckabee Santorum wasn't far fetched enough. I gotta tell you, the world right now is whites are black. Trump's running for president. Like, does gravity still work? Because a billionaire vanity candidate taking the escalator to the White House. Hey, only losers walk. Presidents take stair. Force one. What? An entrance. An escalator down. I haven't seen an entrance that majestic since my friend met me at the gap after grabbing an orange Julius. Wow. Come on. Let's dance. Clown stick.

I am officially running for president of the United States, and we are going to make our country great again.

Guy scored his own presidential. Hey. Hey. I'm going to run for president. Kyle. In the sound booth. Neil Youngme. Yeah. Rocking in the. Okay. Cut. Done. And what followed was over half an hour. The most beautifully ridiculous jibber jabber ever to pour forth from the mouth of a back billionaire.

The US has become a dumping ground for everybody else's problems. They're laughing at us. How stupid are our leaders? We have losers. We have losers. When did we beat Japan at anything? China has our jobs and Mexico has our jobs. When Mexico sends its people, they're bringing drugs, they're bringing crime. They're rapists. And some, I assume, are good people.

I'm saying, benefit of the doubt. They can't all be rapists. It's not probable. This guy just no disrespected our southern neighbors at his presidential announcement. You're a bunch of drug dealers and rapists. No disrespect. This is amazing. America's id is running for president. Trump is the part of your brain that's like, at 03:00 a.m.. Going. Let's go take a in a mailbox. Come on. Who's going to know? Now, every candidate uses their announcement speech to reel off a litany of the values that define them. So did the Donald.

I'm really rich. I'll show you that in a second. I've done an amazing job. A total net worth of 8 billion. Net worth, not assets. I have the best courses in the world. The Grand Hyatt Hotel, the convention center on the west side, Trump Tower, bank of America building in San Francisco. I just sold an apartment for $15 million to somebody from China.

To a chinese guy who's better than me. Hey, Kyle. Neil Youngme. Boom. This speech was so up that in the middle of it all, the liquid in his body tried to escape through the corner of his mouth. Thank you, Donald. Thank you, Donald Trump, for making my last six weeks my best six weeks. No, he is putting me in some kind of comedy hospice where all I'm getting is just straight morphine. Donald Trump, the patron saint of topical comedians who are just running out the clock. I mean, look, we did just have two weeks off from talking about Trump a dumb springer. I called it just out of curiosity, what it is he at again?

Unleashing his latest political firestorm on a new target this time, John McCain.

He's not a war hero.

Trump in Iowa going directly after the Arizona senator and former Navy fighter pilot who spent five and a half years as a Pow.

He's a war hero because he was captured. I like people that weren't captured. Okay, I hate to tell you.

Let me just hold on. Just. And you know what else? If I may, just a moment. And cancer survivors, too. Let me tell you something. No, let me just say this, please. I like people who don't get cancer. Let me tell you something. I like winners. Those are the people whose bodies don't suffer from an uncontrollable division of abnormal cells attacking the organs. Those are the people we should be making wishes and running marathons for. Winners. Winners. Winners. Winners. Winners. Boom. Trump 2016. Trump's bold pows. Oh, we're going out, baby. On a high note, Trump's bold pows aren't heroes. Raised questions of what is wrong with him.

When you're criticized or attacked, you often respond with name calling, using terms like dummy, loser, total losers on Twitter and elsewhere. You even demean some people's physical appearance. Is that something you would continue doing if you were president?

Oh, I don't think when people attack me, I let them have it back. You say physical appearance, it's my hair. But people are constantly attacking my hair. I don't see you coming to my defense. My hair is just fine.

It. First things first. Your hair is not fine. Now, I agree making fun of someone's physical appearance is a cheap blow, but that hair, that is comedy entrapment. People are not attacking your hair. They are defending themselves from something that appears like it's about to attack them. I smell a new Pixar movie. Trump's comments clearly caught on tape. Trump had no choice but to recognize that he had misspoken and take the honorable way out. Now, I'm just with you. Here's what he did.

Why did Savannah start off by saying, I said that he was not a war hero? I never said that. I said he was a war hero. Matt, Savannah started it off by saying, I said that he wasn't a war hero. I didn't say that.

Stan corrected. I could have sworn you said it. Let me just listen to the tape again real quickly.

He's not a war hero.

Yeah, that sounded like, you know what? Let's watch it upside down, because maybe I didn't.

He's not a war hero.

No, it's still, I mean, the hair does look better there, but it still sounds like he said, he's not a war. Let me. Let me see it with, like, a bit of a sesame street vibe.

He's not a war hero.

Oh, that appears to be brought to you by the letter. You said it, so you said it.

The next sentence was, he is a war hero. I said that. But they never want to play it, and you don't want to play it. If you would have let it run just another 3 seconds, you would have said that. I said very clearly, he is a war hero. He's not a war hero hero. He's a war hero.

Five and a half years.

He's a war hero because he was captured.

So you said, he's not a war hero. The guy next to you goes, he's a war hero. And you go, well, he's a war hero because he got captured. So really, does calling someone a war hero count? If you're doing it sarcastically? He's not a war hero. All right. He's a war hero. All right, fine, he got captured, whatever. But of course, you're better to talk about sacrifice in wartime than one Donald Trump, going back to college, had student deferments, and it's a long time ago.

Had student deferments, then ultimately had a medical deferment because of my feet. I had a bone spur.

Okay, I get that. As a man who is also constantly suffering from medical conditions that aren't real, I will say a bone spur is very painful. It's the kind of pain you never forget.

Which foot did you have the bone spur in?

You'll look it up in the records.

I don't know.

It's in the record.

Right or left? One of those two? I don't know. Try the one I don't normally have in my mouth. Look, Donnie Trump. Easy, baby. Don't flame out now. Listen, don't flame out now. I gotta squeeze three more weeks of this. You're at the point where even your fellow republican presidential candidates, the people who were trying very hard not to recognize what a terrible person you are now have to recognize what a terrible person you are. It's not just absurd, it's offensive. It's ridiculous.

I denounce Donald Trump for that.

Donald Trump owes every american veteran, and in particular John McCain, an apology.

Jeb Bush saying, quote, enough with the slanderous attacks. Senator John McCain and all our veterans, particularly pows, have earned our respect and admiration.

Yes. At long last, does the man who accused the vast majority of mexican immigrants of being drug addicted rapists have no sense of decency? But they're right. They're right. I so love this man. I really feel like he's some sort of jewish holiday waiting to happen. Like, we thought the craziness would only last a day, but by a miracle, it burned for 810. Holy. That's what we should call it. Holy. Here's the thing I don't get. Why is anyone acting surprised about Trump? The only reason you like this guy in the first place is because of the terrible things he was willing to say about Obama. But Trump has no control over the projectile vomit of dickishness that comes out of his mouth every time he opens it. It was inevitable some of his word puke was going to get on you, and you should have known that. You've been down this road before.

Well, first off, Nancy Pelosi is a ding bat. Waterboarding is how we baptize terrorists.

Once you cast a spell and bring an Internet comment to life, it no longer belongs to you. Only this time, the chat room troll emoji you've conjured has $10 billion of its own. Money you thought was still a word salad was hard to shake. Wait till you get Trump dump on you.

Explore more shows from the Daily show podcast universe by searching the Daily show wherever you get your podcast. Watch the Daily show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount.

Plus, this has been a Comedy central podcast.

I'm Ara Madison II.

And I'm Louis Vertel. This year, we're excited to bring you new episodes of keep it covering the holy trinity of awards season, Emmys, Grammys, and the granddaddy of them all, the Oscars. It's like the Super bowl for Hollywood, but with more sequins and fewer concussions.

And we are continually blessed by iconic guests like Michelle Yeo, Tori Kelly, Andy Cohen, and Jinx Masoon.

New episodes of keep it drop every Wednesday wherever you get your podcasts or subscribe to keep it on YouTube for access to full episodes and other exclusive content.