I'm Ira Madison III.

And I'm Louis Fertile. This year, we're excited to bring you new episodes of Keep It, covering the Holy Trinity of Awards season, Emmys, Grammys, and the granddaddy of them all, the Oscars. It's like the Super Bowl for Hollywood, but with more sequins and fewer concussions.

And we are continually blessed by iconic guests like Michelle Yo, Tori Kelly, Andy Cohen, and Jinks Masun.

New episodes of Keep It drop every Wednesday wherever you get your podcast or subscribe to Keep It on YouTube for access to full episodes and other exclusive content. Content.

You're listening to Comedy Central. Welcome to The Daily Show. My name is Jon Stewart. Now, where was I? I'm excited to be back. I'm very excited. Good to see you guys. Why am I back? You may be asking yourselves. It's a very reasonable question. I have committed a lot of crimes.

From what I understand, talk show hosts are granted immunity, so it doesn't make a lot of sense, but take it up with the founders.

I don't know. We're going to have so much we're going to talk about this year. Obviously, the elections, maybe we'll talk about China, maybe we'll talk about AI, maybe something a little lighter, Israel-Palestine. Who knows? But first, the Super Bowl was yesterday. There was a gentleman in the crowd who's delighted that the Kansas City won. It was really, sadly, a lose-lose for real America. Kansas City Chiefs are world champions, which means the decades-long plot in which Travis and Taylor brainwash America into getting routine vaccinations is complete. But it was really a no-win for Conservatives. I mean, if the chiefs lost, who wins? The People's Communist Republic of Gay Pelotisitan. It's almost like the rights ridiculous obsession with politicizing every aspect of American life. Ruins everything. But now that it's over nine months till the election, people. The exciting part is we already know our candidates. It's drum roll, please. These guys. That's why tonight we're debuting our election coverage, Indecision 2024, American democracy. Say It's a homophone.

We didn't change the sound of the word, but we added a K, which makes it wittier.

How about Indecision 2024, We changed the one letter. Are you disappointed yet? So Joe Biden and Donald Trump. And by the way, this weekend, the big news was the Special Council report on Joe Biden's handling of classified information.

The Special Counsel's report offers scathing details of what it calls his diminished faculties and faulty memory. Writing, If charged, Mr. Biden will likely present himself to the jury, as he did during his interview with our office, as a sympathetic, well-meaning elderly man with a poor memory.

Where did I park those documents? This guy couldn't remember stuff during his deposition. Do you understand what that means? He had no ability to recall all very basic things under questioning. The footage of the President unable to recall simple facts must have been brutal to watch.

James Webb. I don't remember the name. I don't remember the name. I don't remember ever buying something for myself.

Do you recall what years you were married to Ms. Naples? I don't remember that.

Okay, as good as my memory is, I don't remember that, but I have a good memory.

You don't remember saying you have one of the best men I've ever known? I don't remember. I'm sorry, Elvaron. That was the wrong footage. That's the high functioning candidate from nine years ago, unable to recall if he has a good memory.

I'm sorry.

Here's the actual footage. Who created International in real-time? I don't remember. I don't remember the email.

I'm just saying I don't remember this.

I just don't seem to recall anything about this. He actually seemed to be upset about it. I don't know. Yes, it turns out that the leading cause of early onset dementia is being deposed. But back to President Biden. Biden was not about to take the special counsel's characterizations lying down, although chances are he was lying down. The point is this, to the press conference, Batman.

My memory is fine. My memory... Take a look at what I've done since I've become President. None of you thought I could pass any of the things I got passed. How did that happen? I know what the hell I'm doing. I'm a President, and I put this country back on his feet.

No, he did not say that. Okay.

He did not say that.

But, Mr. President, let me answer your question.

Many American people have been watching and they have expressed concerns about your age.

That is your judgment.

Boom. He took them to the house. He was all over it. Joe Biden, taking nerves, kicking ass, Press conference over. You didn't mess up. No, no, no. Don't stop. Wait, hold on. Hold on, sir. No, you killed this. Take the W. What are you doing? Do not go. Allow me to present to you a one-man show about what Joe Biden's advisors were doing when he turned around and went back to the podium. The show is called No!

Do Not Go Back.

Please, but he went back.

I'm of the view, as you know, that the conduct of the response in the Gaza Strip has been over the top.

Garbonzo. Garmin. Gaza. By the way, the response in Gaza has been over the top. I like how Biden describes Israel's incessant bombing of civilians the same way my mother talks about the Super Bowl halftime show. It was a little much. Did they need to be on roller skates? Whatever happened in music, you sing the song and people will love it, but with the abs and the twirling. And the hits kept coming.

Initially, the President of Mexico, Cici, did not want to open up the gate to allow humanitarian material to get in.

Now, geography bops might have noticed. Gaza and Mexico do not share a border. If Biden was referring to Cici, the President of Egypt, not Mexico. Unless it was even worse than that, and he thinks the President of Mexico is named C.

C.

So Joe Biden had a big press conference to dispel the notion that he may have lost a a step, and politically speaking, lost three to four steps.

But don't worry, because they don't need the press conference.

The Super Bowl was on Sunday, and the President was offered a chance, as per tradition, to do an interview where millions and millions of people could see him competently and clearly lay out his 2024 agenda, or he could just turn that down and do what this is. The Biden-Harris campaign joined TikTok over the weekend. The first video was released during the Super the Bowl, and it shows President Biden answering questions related to the big game. Game or halftime show?

Game. Jason Kelsi or Travis Kelsi? Mama Kelsi. I understand she makes great chocolate chip cookies.

Fire everyone. Everyone. How do you go on TikTok and end up looking older?

I'm Ira Madison III.

And I'm Louis Fertile. This year, we're excited to bring you new episodes of Keep It, covering the Holy Trinity of Awards season, Emmys, Grammys, and the granddaddy of them all, the Oscars. It's like the Super Bowl for Hollywood, but with more sequins and fewer concussions.

And we are continually blessed by iconic guests like Michelle Yeoh, Tori Kelly, Andy Cohen, and Jinks Masun.

New episodes of Keep it drop every Wednesday, wherever you get your podcast, or subscribe to keep it on YouTube for access to full episodes and other exclusive content.

So yes, everyone spent the entire weekend talking about whether the Democratic choice for President is mentally up to the challenge of the world's most demanding job. So what was his opponent saying this weekend?

We have to win in November, or we're not going to have Pennsylvania. They'll change the name. They're going to change the name of Pennsylvania.

I can't believe I've lived in New Jersey this long and have been mispronouncing Pennsylvania. Apparently, the emphasis is at the end of the night. Yes, it should be noted, while concerns over any president's fitness and acuity are legitimate, especially those at an advanced age, Biden His opponent also seems to live at the villages. The question then becomes, what the are we doing here, people? Oh, wait. No? That's a nice Indecision 2024 title. Yeah. Let me tell you something. Biden's lost the step, but Trump regularly says things at rallies that would warrant a wellness check.

All I know about magnets is this. Give me a glass of water. Let me drop it on the magnets. That's the end of the magnets.

I am not a scientist. I'm pretty sure water is not the end of magnets. I think he may be thinking of cotton candy. Pretty easy to mix those up. It's probably why the front of his refrigerator is so messy. It's just sticky. Look, these two candidates, they're very kind with your enthusiasm. These two candidates, they are both similarly challenged. It is not crazy to think that the oldest people in the history of the country to ever run for President might have some of these challenges. Now, Democrats will say that any criticism like this, especially of Biden, is unfair because you just don't know Biden like they know Biden. President Biden, who I've been around numerous times just in this last year, is sharp, he's focused, he's bright.

He is sharp, intensely probing, and detail-oriented, and focused.

This is a man who is sharp, who is on top of his game, who knows what's going on. He's smart, he's on this game. I was in almost every meeting with the President, and the President was in front of and on top of it all, coordinating and directing leaders who are in charge of America's national security, not to mention our allies around the globe. Did anyone film that? Because if you're telling us behind the scenes, he is sharp and full of energy and on top of it and really in control and leading, you should film that. That would be good to show to people instead of a TikTok where he goes, You're going to get a chip cookie. We see he's in charge. You see, I like cookies. Of course, when it comes to Republicans, they've got a different strategy for their 77-year-old candidate. Well, first of all, Donald Trump is not an old man. He's an old man. He is objectively an old man on a human scale. Trump is objectively... If he was a tortus, I would tell him as a tortus at 77, Oh, young man, go off and enjoy college. But he's not a tortus.

He's not a tourist. He's not a tortoise. That is not being ageist. That is being human lifespan-ist. One thing we know for certain is this. We have two candidates who are chronologically outside the of anyone who has run for the presidency in this country, in the history of this country. They are the oldest people ever to run for president, breaking by only four years the record that they set. The last time they ran. They are at the age. They are objectively old. They're at the age. There are no more age-related milestones to hit. They got the They've got their RP card. They've got social security, they've got their movie discounts. There is no, Oh, wait till you hit 88, you get to drink and drive. No. The only thing left to them is a Today Show smuckers shout out. You know what? I think we've got a new name for our election coverage. Indecision 2024 Antiques Roadshow. All right. Here's what I'm going to tell We're not suggesting neither man is vibrant, productive, or even capable. But they're both stretching the limits of being able to handle the toughest job in the world. What's crazy is thinking that We are the ones as voters who must silence concerns and criticisms.

It is the candidate's job to assuage concerns, not the voter's job not to mention them. Look, I'm not trying to be... I'm not trying to be cruel. I didn't want to have to do this on my first day. Come over here. Look at me. Look what time hath wrought.

Give the kids a tree to the lunar surface here.

Look at this. I'm 20 years younger than these motherfuckers. This.

Look at this.

They wish. By the way, if you don't, here's the truth. If you think like, Oh, 20 years isn't that long, this is me 20 years ago. I agree. Perhaps It was my mistake for sleeping in a meat dehydrator. Look, Joe Biden isn't Donald Trump. He hasn't been indicted as many times, hasn't had as many fraudulent businesses, or been convicted in a civil trial for sexual assault, or been ordered to pay defamation, and had his charities disbanded or stiffed a shit ton of blue collar tradesmen he'd hired. Should we even get to the grab the pussy stuff? Probably not. But the stakes of this election don't make Donald Trump's opponent less subject to scrutiny. It actually makes him more subject to scrutiny. If the barbarians are at the gate, you want Konan standing on the ramparts, not chocolate chip cookie guy. So what's the good news?

That was not rhetorical framing.

I'm literally asking you. Look, the next nine months or so, and maybe more than that, depending on the coup schedule, they're going to suck. You're going to be getting emails with insane subject lines like, Hello, John, it's Chuck Schumann. Donald Trump is right behind you with a knife.

You're going to get indated with robo calls and push polls and real polls, and people are going to tell you to rock the vote and be the vote and vote the vote and finger bang the vote.

It's all going to make you feel like Tuesday, November fifth, is the only day that matters, and that day does matter. But man, November sixth, ain't nothing to sneeze at or November seventh. If your guy loses, bad things might happen, but the country is not over. If your guy wins, the country is in no way saved. I've learned one thing over these last nine years, and I was glib at best and probably dismissive at worst about this. The work of making this world resemble one that you would prefer to live in is a lunch pale, family job, day in and day out, where thousands of committed, anonymous, smart, and dedicated people bang on closed doors and pick up those that are fallen and grind away on issues till they get a positive result, and even then have to stay on to make sure that result holds. So the good news is, I'm not saying you don't have to worry about who wins the election. I'm saying you have to worry about every day before it and every day after. Forever. Although, On the plus side, I am told that at some point, the sun will run out of hydrogen.

Explore more shows from The Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch The Daily Show weeknights at 11:10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus.

This has been a Comedy Central podcast. I'm Aaron Madison III.

And I'm Louis Fertel. This year, we're excited to bring you new episodes of Keep It covering the Holy Trinity of Awards season, Emmys, Grammys, and the granddaddy of them all, the Oscars. It's like the Super Bowl for Hollywood, but with more sequins and fewer concussions.

And we are continually blessed by iconic guests like Michelle Yo, Tori Kelly, Andy Cohen, and Jinks Masun.

New episodes of Keep It drop every Wednesday wherever you get your podcast or subscribe to Keep it on YouTube for access to full episodes and other exclusive content.