I'm Ara Madison II.

And I'm Louis Vertell. This year, we're excited to bring you new episodes of keep it covering the holy trinity of awards season, Emmys, Grammys, and the granddaddy of them all, the Oscars. It's like the Super bowl for Hollywood, but with more sequins and fewer concussions.

And we are continually blessed by iconic guests like Michelle Yeo, Tori Kelly, Andy Cohen, and Jinx Masoon.

New episodes of keep it drop every Wednesday wherever you get your podcasts or subscribe to keep it on YouTube. For access to full episodes and other.

Exclusive content, you're listening to Comedy Central.

For more on the story, we're joined by our new senior caucasian correspondent, Jordan Klepper. Jordan, thank you for joining us on the program.

We appreciate.

Jordan, welcome to the show. First of all, we're excited to have you. You are in Crimea, obviously. You have studied this region for years.

Yes, that is 100% true. Okay. As you know, the crimean peninsula is ethnically russian. Now, it's important to remember a peninsula is a landmass surrounded on three sides by water, unlike an island or an isthmus. Now, the crimean peninsula is dependent on Russia for most of their natural resources.

Actually, they're dependent on the Ukraine for most of their natural.

Right, right. Stupid, stupid. I'm sorry. I don't know why I said that. I'm not going to fail you, dad. John.

It's all right, Jordan. It's fine, okay? Just relax. How are the people feeling?

They're scared, John. Real scared. Little sweaty.

Because they have ties to both the Ukraine and Russia. Is that sure?

I mean, if you'd asked them a week ago, would you like to be a part of Russia? They would have been like, yes, Russia's my favorite. I'd love to join Russia. I watch Russia every night. But now they don't know what they've gotten themselves into and they think maybe I've gotten a little bit in over my head.

It's fine. You're doing fine. Stay focused. What have you learned so far today?

Well, you have to dial nine to get an outside line. Lunch is at one. And if I keep my head down here for a couple years, I've got a real shot at my own sitcom on NBC. You were talking about Crimea. Yeah, right.

Yeah.

I'm blowing it.

No, you're blowing it. Everything's fine. You're in Crimea. Yes. Now, obviously, it's daybreak there.

Oh, actually, I'm going to stop you there, John.

It's.

It's 615 at night. Although obviously we are pretending it's 1115, which in Crimea is 615 in the morning, where I'm supposed to be. Dad, I am so sorry.

No, sorry. You're doing great, okay? There's almost nothing you can do to mess up one of these reports, trust me.

Thank you. That's.

Come, here's.

This is kind of a big deal for me, John. This means a lot to me. My parents are watching at home. Stay clean and sober, Jordan. And that record will get expunged. Just keep to it. Work hard.

Think you could go back to Crimea or is that. You?

Got it, boss. Live from Crimea.

We'll be right back. As in every story these days, at some point someone is going to get caught unaware when a thing they say makes them the weather vein for the entire national storm, owners of memories Pizza in Walkerton, Indiana. They say they support the new law and plan to act accordingly. If a gay couple was to come in, like, say they wanted us to provide them pizzas for a wedding, we would have to say no. Oh. Previously anonymous pizza lady who was interviewed for a local news story. Buckle your seatbelt. The social media storm ensued.

The threats, the nasty tweets inundated with.

Negative comments they had to shut down because of threats that they were receiving. One woman who tweeted something to the effect of, who's going to come to Walkerton and help me burn down memories pizza? But if they did that, everyone would say, oh, man, that place that was here, what was that called again? I can't, I have no recollection. It's quite a backlash. But what the Internet taketh. So the Internet giveth. A GoFundMe campaign has been set up and has raised almost half a million dollars in one day.

$842,000. That's how much money has been raised in support of memories pizza.

Indiana pizza better be good pizza. That's all I can say. For more, we go to senior correspondent Jordan Klepper, who is in Indiana tonight. Jordan, thank you for joining us, my friend. Jordan, what do you make of this storm around this business?

I gotta say, john, I get it. Probably because I too am a business owner.

You are?

Yeah, absolutely. I recently started a, a pizzeria, in fact.

Really? And what's it called?

Recollections pizza. Come one, come everybody who isn't gay.

No. All right, Jordan, I see what you're doing here, but I think the anti gay pizzeria donation train prize already left the station.

You didn't let me finish, John. Gays and immigrants would serve immigrants?

No. What was the name of your place again?

I'm calling it remembrances of Calzone's past. Our slogan is, hey, remember that calzone we had that one time?

Jordan, you're just trying to profit from this bigotry. That's awful.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stuart, call off the attack dogs. I'm just a liberty loving American trying to serve some home cooked food with a dash of charm and a pinch of absolutely no immigrants. Also, I don't know no muslims.

Jordan, it's a law for christian belief. You're not even a fundamentalist christian for God bs.

I'm not. I love that sandals guy.

You don't know the guy.

You know, with the Jared leto hair and the flowing beard. What's his name?

Jesus Christ.

You're upset with me, John? Look, I won't remember his name. See, I knew you'd try to persecute me for my beliefs.

How are you being persecuted, George?

Kidding. In this environment? I don't know if I can even open my newest place deja vu meatballs. Slogan is, hey, didn't I just eat those meatballs?

All right, I gotta say, that one actually sounds pretty good.

Slow down. No jews.

What? Jordan, this is not gonna work.

Oh, okay. I'm sorry. I just think real America wants a place where they can eat with their family without being harassed by some dirty Chinaman. That's got to be like, fifty k right there, right?

Jordan, what the hell are you doing? You're not going to get. What am I doing?

I'll tell you what I'm doing. I'm watching my GoFundMe campaign, and it is blowing up, no thanks to you, you east coast Hollywood liberal.

Boom.

Just past $2 million, Jazz.

$2 million? What are you going to do with all that money?

Donate it to the church, of course.

Oh, I get. Well, all right.

I'm f ing with you, John. Hookers and below. Praise the lord.

Thank you, Jordan. Jordan Klepper, everybody. We'll be right back. For more, we turn to senior surveillance correspondent Jordan Klepper. Jordan, this seems like. This seems like a big turning point for the NSA. Where does the NSA go from here?

Hopefully further. Much, much further. In a world this dangerous, you can never collect enough intelligence. And I'm not just talking about phone data. The clue that stops the next terror attack could be in a pile of unopened baked statements on your kitchen table or in a giant bag of taxi receipts you've been accumulating since you moved to New York six years ago. The NSA should really just take it all. Maybe even organize it.

I'm not sure the NSA is interested in John.

We're talking about national security. We can't let anything slip through the cracks. The NSA should be storing it all from a complete set of Frasier dvds that you haven't watched in years but can't bear to part with. Or maybe, I don't know, like a box of your cherished trophies and yearbooks.

You just doing some spring cleaning, Jordan, was it?

No, I'm gathering potential intel for terror thwarting purposes. There's a lot of actionable stuff here in this class of 97. Look. Oh, stay cool, John. I never was cool. That's clearly some kind of jihadist code. I hope you finally get some in college. What does that even mean, get some? I'll tell you what they're talking about. Plutonium.

Now, Jordan, I'm not trying to question your patriotism in any way, but you appear to be trying to get the NSA to just store your junk for you. Why don't you just get yourself one of them self storage units?

Except for $300 a month, no, thank you. Look, you're telling me the NSA doesn't have, like, a closet where they can throw all my. And then meticulously analyze it for security purposes?

Come on, Joy. This isn't even about protecting America anymore.

How dare you, sir? My love of country knows no bounds. Hell, for all I care, the NSA could. Maybe for, like, a long weekend, preferably around the Cape Cod clam. Then, you know, then I can pick mopsy up on my way back home. While I'm there, I can also drop off some winter coats.

Your apartment's pretty small, ain't it, Jordan?

I can't even lie down.

Thank you. Jordan. Jordan, clap for everybody. We'll be right back. I didn't realize.

I'm Ara Madison II.

And I'm Louis Vertel. This year, we're excited to bring you new episodes of keep it covering the holy trinity of awards season, Emmys, Grammys, and the granddaddy of them all, the Oscars. It's like the Super bowl for Hollywood, but with more sequins and fewer concussions.

And we are continually blessed by iconic guests like Michelle Yeoh, Tori Kelly, Andy Cohen, and Jinx Masoon.

New episodes of keep it drop every Wednesday wherever you get your podcasts or subscribe to. Keep it on YouTube for access to full episodes and other exclusive content.

For more on the developments in Donald Trump's presidential bid. Because why not? Nothing else really is fun to talk about. Return to senior election correspondent Jordan Klepper, who is at Trump International Hotel. Jordan, thanks for joining us.

Hello, John. Jordan.

A month into Trump's campaign and he has already managed to alienate most of his own party.

I know. The man is truly an inspiration.

Wait, an inspiration to whom?

Well, to me, to my hedge fund manager, to frat boys everywhere. John, don't you see? Donald Trump could very well be our first openly asshole president.

Come on, that can't be true. That can't even be true. What about Andrew Jackson? He was an.

No no. Jackson was a compassionless killing machine.

Warren Harding.

Harding was a dickhead, not an nuanced. You know, but there is a difference.

Nixon. Nixon. Clearly an asshole.

Yeah, gaping. A gaping asshole, but closeted. Now, Nixon's asshole ishness went unconfirmed up until those tapes leaked. But Trump, on the other hand, says it loud and proud. I'm here. I'm an asshole. Get used to it, you mexican rapist.

Mean, to be perfectly honest with you, and I admit this, I never thought.

About it that way. John. Clearly you're one of those people who is prejudiced against asshole Americans.

Jordan, that's totally not true. I have very close friends who are assholes.

Really? Yep. Like. Like who?

Paul Rudd. Paul Rudd.

Thank you for the shout out, buddy.

Thank you.

Really? This is the best asshole you could come up with? Hey, Clepper, I just.

Your mom, while your dad watched you.

Sideshow Bob looking nobody piece of Trump 2016. Yeah, I. I stand corrected. That guy's a real asshole.

See, I told you. I get it now. Trump's campaign is a step forward for assholes everywhere.

Well, not just a step, a giant leap for ass kind. John, let me tell you a story about little boy. People used to say to me, to him, little boy, you'll never be president. You're way too big an asshole. Jordan. Boy. Little boy. Then he'd cry myself to sleep while listening to nickelback. John, do you know who that little me was?

It was you.

No, it was me, John.

It was me.

But today is a new day. Not just for me, but for the little assholes out there at home, sassing their underpaid cleaning woman to the grown assholes out there running their first puppy mill or clapping at the wrong parts of Wall street. Now those assholes can dream. And so we say, thank you, Donald Trump, for being such a tremendous asshole.

Jordan, that was beautiful.

Thank you. Thank you, John. And by the way, I also your mom, while your dad watched.

My dad's passed away. Jordan.

Yikes. Sorry. Paul Rudd makes it look. So easy.

Jordan. Cook, everybody. Over the past couple of weeks, we've been drinking cold syrup before the show. I'm sorry. We've been encouraging you to send questions you've always wanted to ask. I haven't been drinking Nyquil before the show. Anyway, we wanted you to send questions that you've always wanted to ask via Twitter. Well, tonight, I answer those questions in a segment we call. Hey. It's going to be. I'm sorry, I thought we were doing a roundtable.

Have a seat, John. Sure.

I thought. Okay. What's this all about? Just going to. People want answers, Stuart. I know. I'm happy to give them. And we're going to prove it.

At benefits. Babe wants to know who was your favorite guest of all time.

Oh, Jimmy Carter. President Jimmy Carter. Because usually he's drunk, and right afterwards he's always like, can we go look for whores? So it's like, that's okay.

Okay. You think this is funny? You think it's funny, don't you, Mr. Chuckles?

You know, Jordan, I didn't want to do this.

No, I'm sure you didn't, but I have to.

I didn't want to, necessarily. Jesus, what are you. Hassan, don't do that. Oh, God. Hassan, no. Not with a knife and fork. What is. No, Hassan, just, please. It's fine. My favorite guests are my friends. I get to not work around with them for five minutes. And it's an honor to sit across people also like Malala, Desmond Tutu, Jimmy Carter. Just put the cutlery down. Just eat it with your.

See? See? Was that so?

Now, look, just spit it out.

Can we focus, Stuart? Can we focus? Let him digest it however he wants. All right.

I just thought, you know. Look, it is still pizza.

Twitter wants to know now. At life is desire asks what is written on the blue papers you scribble on?

I've always wanted to know that one. It's not like I've been writing a novel. One sentence a day for 16 years about the struggles of a female blacksmith working in a male dominated profession.

He's doing jokes.

If I wanted jokes, I would have asked someone funnier. That hurts. That's going to sting a little bit.

God forgive me for what I am about to do.

Don't do this. Don't do this. What are you going to do, Frank? Get me smoochie. No. Come on. Don't do it. I'll do it. I'm sorry. I'm going. No. Turn it off. I can't watch anymore. And neither could people that were supposed to pay money for that. Is that.

Is that your attempt to look desperate and sad? You are terrible.

I can't act. Look, the blue papers are a script. I'm just scribbling on them. I get bored. I can't smoke anymore, so I scribble or I doodle the same cartoons over and over again. That's what I got.

God, I want to see that cartoon. I want to see that so bad. Show me that cartoon.

All right, so what I normally do is I draw just a round headed drunk guy like that, or I draw. Me when I was in college. That's a ju fro.

I mean, that's pretty good. I'm not gonna lie. That's pretty good.

But at Sam, put simply, he wants to know, is there an algorithm for what cities go on the globe, ticker every show. But no, there's no algorithm. I don't know what you're talking about. There's not?

Don't make us do this, Stuart. Look, we've got a guitar, a pair of terrible voices, and we like making up our own lyrics to born to run.

I am Bruce Brinkson. I was born to suck, baby. All right, Chuck O'Neill. Our director, Chuck O'Neill, he chooses the cities based on a theme, like places with famous zoos or countries in the World cup semifinals we think of as a fun game the viewers can play at home. I'm sorry, that's all it is.

Okay, good.

That's fine. That's fine. All right, but one last thing, all right? At l 99, blood wants to know.

Marry, shag or kill.

Larry Wilmore. John Oliver, Stephen Colbert. Look, guys, these are my friends. I'm not going to drive a wedge between us saying which one I would marry, kill? Let's not. Let's just. Some things are best left unsaid.

I hope it wouldn't come to this.

Let's not worry about this type of. What is that?

You know what this is? You know what this is? Stuart?

I think that appears to be an arby's enema.

Yeah, damn right. That's exactly what it is.

And if you don't start talking, we're going to make you eat it instead. No. Come on.

Open up that asshole.

Fine. I. Every one of them. Every single one of them in every position, in every room of the house. And then I would make them breakfast in the morning, and then I would nuzzle my head into this. Explore more shows from the Daily show podcast universe by searching the Daily show. Wherever you get your podcast, watch the Daily show weeknights at 1110 Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount. Plus.

This has been a Comedy Central podcast. I'm Ara Madison II.

And I'm Lewis Vertel. This year, we're excited to bring you new episodes of keep it covering the holy Trinity of awards season, Emmys, Grammys and the granddaddy of them all, the Oscars. It's like the Super bowl for Hollywood, but with more sequins and fewer concussions.

And we are continually blessed by iconic guests like Michelle Yeoh, Tori Kelly, Andy Cohen and Jinx Masoon.

New episodes of Keep it drop every Wednesday wherever you get your podcasts or subscribe to keep it on YouTube for access to full episodes and other exclusive content.