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[00:00:00]

You're listening to Comedy Central now. An update on the protests that have been shaking Portland. Just moments ago, the governor of Oregon says federal agents are looking at leaving the city in a, quote, phased withdrawal. Those were the governor's words. However, this was President Trump appearing to dismiss that idea this morning.

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Are all going to report about you not leaving the city. I don't think there's any soon. We have no choice.

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Look at have to go with it that you want to clean out Portland. Well, that's a good idea. I mean, you guys left a lot of tear gas canisters and flash grenades lying around the place. Look, this Portland thing has been very scary for America as a whole. And I'll tell you now, it's been especially scary for black people. I mean, Portland is the whitest city in America and they're still sending in federal troops to use overwhelming force.

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I mean, if that's what they're willing to do there, who knows what they're willing to do to minority groups? It's like seeing a white person kick a golden retriever. If that dog isn't safe, you damn well know your black ass isn't. You know, one thing that's weird for me is seeing how enthusiastic so many conservatives have been about sending federal troops to arrest American citizens because for years, that is one of the things they were most afraid of.

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In fact, back in twenty fourteen, President Obama deployed federal agents to confront a group of ranchers who were trespassing on federal land. And, well, just a check on how different the response was back then.

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President is expanding the effort to protect federal property in Portland, reportedly now sending one hundred more agents. Operation legend is a beginning. It's greatly needed in all of these cities. I am having a hard time understanding why the government would create a confrontation like this. The government has gone way overboard here, and I think they need to pull back fast.

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The city of Portland has been under siege. Federal DHS and DOJ officers and agents have been deployed to keep the mobs in check as we watch the estimated two hundred federal agents and local law enforcement surround the ranch.

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The word of this evening is tyranny, as in the arbitrary, unrestrained exercise of power.

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When somebody looks at lawlessness and says it's a local problem, you can do that to dismiss all bad behavior, even though there's some lawlessness involved here. It's the inclination is to be for the individual. Even if the individual may have broken some laws for more than a month, mobs of violent, crazy people have roamed this country terrorizing citizens. It's the armed agents who are scarier. And so how could you look at this and say Cliveden Bundy is the one who threatens America?

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When the DHS deployed federal law enforcement officials to protect the city's federal buildings, they were accused of, quote, acting like an occupying army. The federal government needs to pull back. They need to think about what is the endgame here? Are they willing to tase people, fight people? I saw one picture of a bloodied woman, an elderly woman that was thrown to the ground. Two hundred agents, snipers surrounding a ranch seemed a little over the top to me.

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It's over the top. It's very strong, huh? I wonder what the difference was between now and black then? I guess we'll never know. Recently, some school districts have decided that they'll be teaching a unit's on early American history based on The New York Times 16 19 project, which illustrates how the founding of this country is inextricably tied to the institution of slavery. But now there's one US senator who is objecting in the strongest and also possibly stupidest terms.

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Arkansas Senator Tom Cotton getting backlash for saying that the founding fathers thought slavery was a, quote, necessary evil.

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Tom Cotton wrote, As the Founding Fathers said, slavery was a necessary evil upon which the union was built.

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The comment came during a conversation about race and education. Senator Cotton wants to defund the 16 19 Project Curriculum, a New York Times program with the goal of re-examining the legacy of slavery in our country. He says the curriculum is racially divisive.

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Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up. Hold up. So Senator Cotton thinks that this curriculum is racially divisive, really, this curriculum. You know what's really racially divisive? Slavery.

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Why why would you play that now? What do you do, this guy acts like racial division doesn't exist until slavery gets taught in school, as if the black and white kids are in school like La, la, la.

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We love everybody. All right, everybody, today we're going to learn about slavery.

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What did you do to us? And here's the thing. People are upset because when Cotton says that slavery was a necessary evil on which the union was built, it sounds like he's defending slavery. Right. And that's not something a US senator should do, even if his name is Cotton. I mean, how is he going to stay objective? I get it.

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But if you if you dig deeper and you take cotton at his word, he believes that the United States could not have become the country that it is without slavery. Well, that's the same thing that the 16 19 project says. So why is he fighting them? You guys don't need to fight, you agree on the same thing. This is like when Ken and Real would fight and street fighter. I mean, you both agree on Haddo. Can you both agree on.

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Sure you can.

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I mean, why are you even mad? And you might be thinking if Senator Cotton wants schools to teach a less racially divisive version of slavery, then why doesn't he introduced his own lesson plan? Well, good news with our help. He already did.

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Are you tired of school lesson plans that teach slavery in a racially divisive way? Then introduce your school to the Tom Cotton Lesson Plan for slavery. The only lesson plan that teach slavery without mentioning race with Senator Cotton, your students will learn that in 16 19, some Americans were slaves to other Americans, that over time more slaves were brought from one of the seven continents chosen at random and that the Civil War ended slavery for both blacks and whites. Students will also learn that this all happened a long time ago, which means it has no relevance to anything happening today.

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So by the Tom Cotton Slavery Lesson Plan today, order now and will include Tom Cotton's lesson plan for the civil rights movement, letting whites sit in the back of the bus. Some good news from Hollywood. The only city that's got a name tag. In case you forget where you are, yesterday, the 20 20 Emmy nominations were announced. And it was an especially great day for black performers who got a record. Thirty four percent of the nominations, which is huge and well deserved.

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But it's still not enough. That's right. I won't be satisfied until black people get one hundred percent of the nominations. Yeah, you heard me. We're coming for you white people. In fact, we want every role to be played by a black actor. I won't be happy until Kevin Hart is playing Queen Elizabeth in the crowd. Let me tell you, you know, once to hit your opinion. You ain't shit. OK, I'm queen.

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You ain't shit.

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Obviously, I'm joking, guys, it really is great to see black performers getting the recognition they deserve, and that's all black people want. And we have The Daily Show are extra grateful because once again, we were nominated. And so to you, the viewers, I want to say thank you so much. Without you, there would be no show and no one would be tweeting me to criticize my apartment decor.

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I see you in your feelings, but let's move on to the ongoing tensions between the United States and China. First, there was a fierce battle over trade. Then the US began blaming China for the coronavirus. And last week, the State Department expelled Chinese diplomats from a consulate in Texas, claiming that they were using it for spying, which then caused China to shut down an American embassy in response. And I mean, all of that is basically the diplomatic equivalent of unfollowing each other on Instagram.

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So with all of this going on, it's no surprise that this story has people freaking out.

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Now to a growing mystery surrounding unsolicited packages of seeds randomly being sent to Americans across the country. Agriculture officials are warning residents, if you didn't order the seeds, do not plant them. The packages appear to have originated in China.

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Oh, OK. This is really bizarre. People all across America are getting unexpected packages of seeds in the mail from China. And what's even stranger is that some people might actually be planting them who just gets an unexpected packet of seeds in the mail and goes, well, I wasn't planning on planting any mystery vegetables in my backyard, but now it would be rude not to plant them.

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Haven't people learned anything from Jack and the Beanstalk? You can't just go around planting random shit that people give you because then before you know it, you're climbing up a giant beanstalk into the sky and then you're killing a giant and now you want a giant mirror. And so now you have to change your identity and pretend that you're some South African host of a late night show. And you know what? I've already said too much and I'm not going to lie.

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When I first heard the story, I didn't know what to think. I mean, why would China be sending random packets of seeds to Americans like what in three months or so is going to bloom into Chinese soldiers? But it turns out the real explanation might not have anything to do with espionage. Basically, Chinese businesses could be sending seeds to people in America simply as a way to generate a fake sale and fake positive reviews, which then boost their online ratings, which to me seems like a waste of time.

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I mean, it's really easy to spot a fake positive review online because every positive review is fake. People only write reviews when they pissed off.

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Nobody's taking the time to go on Amazon like broom works as advertised, pushes dirt from one spot to another, five stars.

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Either way, the joke's on you, China, because plants are being the only thing keeping me company the last few months. Yeah, you're just sending me new friends, isn't that right, Jeremy?

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Jeremy, you take that all lives matter bullshit out of your mouth before I kick you out of the house. It's not cool, man. Moving on to today's big tech news. While Jeff Bezos is testifying in Congress for the first time ever, his ex-wife, Mackenzie Scatch was making use of her own because Forbes magazine recently named her the third richest woman in America. But now she's working hard on moving down the list.

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Mackenzie Scott, who used to be married to Jeff Bezos, says she's donated one point seven billion dollars to causes that she believes are important to her. The money will go to more than one hundred organizations in nine areas of need. That includes racial and LGBTQ equality. Scott, who changed her name to her middle name following her divorce, received a quarter of businesses shares when they divorced, and that was worth thirty five billion dollars at the time.

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Damn, one point seven billion dollars donated to charity. It's almost like McKenzie Scott is determined to be the Antibes US. She's WOAK. She doesn't hold her money and she has a full head of hair. And I guess the only downside is if she ever starts a home delivery service, nothing you order will ever arrive in time. And, you know, it's great that she's being this charitable because thirty five billion dollars is a shit ton of money. Like she's so rich and when she checks the balance on her phone, she has to turn it sideways.

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And when you're in landscape mode, you rich, rich. And you know, the best part is you can't even say that she's donating all this money for the tax write off because billionaires don't pay taxes. Speaking of billionaires who lose money. Donald Trump, unlike every other American president, he's been oddly chilled out about Russian aggression towards the US and now he's basically giving a giant shrug to one of Russia's deadliest schemes.

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Yet it's been widely reported that the US has intelligence indicating that Russia paid bounties or offered to pay bounties to Taliban fighters to kill American soldiers. You had a phone call with Vladimir Putin on July twenty third.

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Did you bring up this issue? That was a phone call to discuss. The things that you've never discussed it with him, I have never discussed with him, it never reached my desk. You know why? Because they didn't think it was intelligence. They didn't think it was real. It was vague. So do you read your recent brief? I do. I read a lot.

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You know, I read a lot they like to say. I read I read a lot. You had extraordinarily well.

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OK, first of all, I actually believe Trump when he says that this intelligence briefing never reached his desk because, I mean, his desk is so full of Goya beans. Where were they going to put the files? But it is bizarre that Trump is the most impulsive president ever, except when it comes to Russia.

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I mean, people are protesting against the police and he's like, we got to send in the troops, break it up, people. We got to destroy them. But when Russia is putting bounties on American troops, he's like they're only lashing out because we hurt them. Like Dr. Jenn says, hurt people, hurt people.

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I mean, I guess I can understand where Trump is coming from. It is super awkward bringing up to your buddy how he put a bounty on your soldier's heads and, oh, you're talking sports. You're talking chicks. You want to ruin the vibe with how he's spearheading a campaign to compensate enemy combatants for killing your troops.

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Zero Gell-Mann man zero chill. When it's time to go to bed, are racing thoughts keeping you awake? If so, it's time for you to try EBR sleep when it's time for bed. Stress can impact your ability to relax. EBR Sleep created the cool drift sleep system to help you counteract life's stresses. The mind's normal way of dealing with stress is to be more vigilant. But that's the opposite of what you need for a restful night of sleep. The Ebb Cool Drift sleep system provides a cooling, calming sensation to the forehead designed to counteract the way the mind and body reacts to stressful situations.

[00:14:09]

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[00:14:48]

AIDS sleep is critical and it believes a solution should be natural with no harsh next day side effects. And just for Daily Show listeners, you can save 25 dollars off your order by going to try Web.com Treva and using promo code Treva at checkout. That's 25 dollars off your order and you can try it risk free for sixty nights that's tr why eb dotcom Trevor try eb dotcom Trevor and use promo code Trevor to save 25 dollars today. Hey, everybody, this is Bobby Moynihan, and I'm here to tell you about my new show, Hlophe, on Comedy Central Digital.

[00:15:32]

It's an improvised animated series about a weed dealing manatee named Hlophe, who has to juggle being a single dad and the number one weed dealer in New York City, all from his tank at the Central Park Zoo. Not to be confused with the much cleaner Central Park Zoo.

[00:15:48]

You can expect things like a group of zoo animals playing D and D, a tarsier trading sexual favors for a harp, a weed smoking hypnotist, a camel who thinks he's Mark Hamill. Interspecies relationships, outer species relationships, interspecies feuds and much, much more. With characters voiced and improvised by Ron Frenches, Cecily Strong, Eugene Cordero, Gina Gershon, Jason Mewes, Kevin Smith, Jay Pharoah, Nina West and Taran Killam. Check it out. August 8th on Comedy Central's YouTube and Facebook pages.

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It's Hlophe. With the economy in crisis mode and deaths continuing to soar, obviously this is all bad for President Trump's re-election hopes. And today, Trump came up with a brilliant new strategy for the election. Just don't have one FOX News alert.

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Some breaking news this hour. A tweet from the White House.

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President Trump tweeting out a short time ago on the upcoming presidential election with universal mail in voting, not absentee voting, which is good, 20 20 will be the most inaccurate and fraudulent election in history.

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It will be a great embarrassment to the USA. DeLay the election until people can properly, securely and safely vote.

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Question marks. To be very clear, the president cannot do that. The Constitution is unambiguous about this, that Congress, not a president who may have their own self-interest in mind, gets to decide when the leader of the United States is elected. And to his other point, there is no evidence, of course, of widespread voter fraud through mail and voting, even in states with all mail in votes. That's right.

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Trump isn't actually allowed to delay the election, although not being allowed to do something has never stopped him before. Like we'll still have the election on November 3rd, but he'll probably just add one hundred days to August. I'm sure maybe the court overturns it, but that might not happen until August. Seventy third. And I mean, this is an absurd suggestion. I know we can't reschedule the election. For starters, both candidates are like two hundred years old.

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I mean, we've got to keep things moving. I'm not even sure that Trump understands what an alarming proposal this is, because this is basically the move of a dictator. But Trump is just casually throwing it out there in a tweet with a bunch of question marks, like he's on a group text trying to bail on happy hour. Hey, yo, November. There's not great for me.

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Maybe we should for twenty twenty one. What do you guys think? And just by the way, you remember a few years ago when I said Trump was an African dictator. You remember that. Yeah. Yeah.

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People acted like I was crazy, but this is how it starts. First, they just suggest that maybe you postpone the election, then they suggest that some of the votes are not valid. And pretty soon they're saying, you know, it's really unfair that there are two political parties where the two political parties let's just have one, then you don't have to worry about making decisions anymore. America is mad. Oh, and by the way, I'm if you remember, but three months ago, Joe Biden predicted that Trump would try to delay the election.

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And this is how Trump reacted back then.

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I never even thought of changing the date of the election. Why would I do that? November 3rd? It's a good no no. I look forward to that election. And that was just made up propaganda. Oh, I love me.

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Some fake Trump outrage. How dare you? I won't sink that low for at least three more months.

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And just by the way, November 3rd is a good number. What does that have to do with anything?

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Elections aren't decided based on whether the date is a cool number. If it was, every election would be held on June 9th. Nice, but look, regardless of his insane tweets, the chances are that Trump will not be able to move the election, which means he's going to have to come up with a plan to win it the old fashioned way by using racism.

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President Trump is facing scrutiny for his words about affordable housing in the suburbs. He made the comments while discussing the roll back of a housing rule aimed at fighting racial discrimination as Trump works to court white suburban voters.

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There will be no more low income housing forced in to the suburbs I abandoned it, took away and just rescinded the rule.

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The Obama era rule forced local governments that receive federal housing funds to assess patterns of racial housing discrimination and submit plans to eliminate it. On Wednesday, the president tweeted, I am happy to inform all the people living their suburban lifestyle dream that you will no longer be bothered or financially hurt by having low income housing built in your neighborhood. Your housing prices will go up based on the market and crime will go down. Enjoy later in Texas, the president reaffirming that message.

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I've seen conflict for years. It's been hell for suburbia. We rescinded the rule three days ago. So enjoy your life, ladies and gentlemen. Enjoy your life.

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OK, first of all, suburban lifestyle dream sounds like the world's lamest Katy Perry song. But just in case it wasn't clear, Trump is saying that he's going to stop black people from moving into white people's neighborhood. I mean, it's not even subtle enough to call that a dog whistle. It's too loud. It's more like a dog steel drum.

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I won't let the black people live near you. Put the boom, boom, boom, boom, mellark. I don't know why having black people move into your neighborhood is a bad thing, but apparently it's so scary. The Trump campaign has already made it into a horror movie.

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They were living the dream lifestyle. They thought the high property values would never end. Until one day from the team that brought you migrant caravan. On your street goes from suburban to urban. This fall, the scariest N word is neighbors, Diane. I'm black and I'm still scared before we go, I just wanted to remind you that America is facing a nationwide poll worker shortage because most poll workers are over 60 and coronaviruses still in the air. Many of them are understandably not showing up.

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But fewer poll workers means fewer polling stations are open. And it also means longer lines that not everybody can afford to stay and waited. But the good news is most people working is paid. And in some states, poll workers can be as young as 16 to join in. Now, I just want to say thank you, because over the past few weeks, we've partnered with Power to the Polls to ask all of you to join in, if you can.

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And over sixty thousand of you have signed up.

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So thank you to all of you who are giving your time to save your granny and protect democracy. And if you haven't signed up yet, but you want to join or you've got to do is go to the link below.

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The Daily Show with Criminal Lawyers Edition wants The Daily Show weeknights at 11:00, 10:00 Central on Comedy Central and the Comedy Central Watch full episodes and videos at The Daily Show Dotcom. Follow us on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram and subscribe to The Daily Show on YouTube for exclusive content and more. This has been a Comedy Central podcast now.