Happy Scribe
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You're listening to Comedy Central now. Ever since he first started running for president 50 years ago, I'm going to say Donald Trump has refused to show the public his tax returns and now we might finally know why.

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Breaking news, tax bombshell. The New York Times gets its hands on President Trump's taxes, showing staggering business losses, crushing personal debt and a tax bill that's just a fraction of what most hardworking Americans have to pay.

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This morning, The New York Times reporting that President Trump pages seven hundred and fifty dollars in federal income taxes the year he won the White House and the same amount in his first year in office. On top of that, the paper says out of the 18 years they examined, he paid no federal income tax in 11 of them.

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Whoa, hold on. Hold on. The president of the country almost never pays taxes, and when he does, he only pays seven hundred and fifty dollars. So that shit pisses me off because Trump is always out there. Like we're building back our military. We know we're building back the military.

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You didn't pay for shit if you didn't chip in. You don't get to put your name on the card. And just for those keeping score, Trump paid seven hundred and fifty dollars in taxes and one hundred and thirty thousand dollars to a porn star, which means if the IRS wants to get money from Trump, you got to know what you got to do. And the story didn't just expose how little Trump has paid in taxes over the years. It also revealed some of the accounting tricks that he used to do it.

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The paper also accuses the president and his companies of claiming questionable deductions.

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The article reveals that among the write offs Trump has taken over the years are more than seventy thousand dollars for haircuts. While on The Apprentice, nearly ninety six thousand dollars pay for Ivanka Trump's favorite hair and makeup artist and approximately two million dollars for Trump and Donald Trump. Jr.'s legal defense for the Russia inquiry.

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He also wrote off more than one hundred nine thousand dollars for linens and silverware and nearly two hundred thousand dollars for landscaping at Mar a Lago.

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Trump reportedly racked up twenty six million dollars in, quote, unexplained consulting fees in the Times, finding that Ivanka Trump was the recipient of some of those payments, which would raise flags because she was also an employee of the Trump organization.

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OK, first of all, you're not supposed to pay an employee a consulting fee, but also for Trump, there's a cruel irony that the one payments to a woman that might actually get him in legal trouble was to the one woman he can't sleep with.

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And the craziest thing to me is that he took a seventy thousand dollar deduction on his hair.

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Because to me now it looks like two crimes might have been committed here. One is Trump's tax evasion, and two is whoever swindled Trump into paying seventy thousand dollars for what they did to him. On the other hand, though, seventy thousand dollars for Trump's hair might actually make sense because whoever did that needed to bend the law of physics. And I'm pretty sure that ain't cheap. And if you ask me, the worst part of the story for Donald Trump isn't that he got out of paying taxes because I mean, let's be honest, lots of billionaires do that.

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I mean, billionaires paying their fair share of taxes is like someone going to a pumpkin patch and not Instagram ing it. It doesn't happen.

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But what the story exposes isn't just that Trump is better paying taxes, it's that he's even worse at business.

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The investigation paints the picture of a businessman whose empire is seriously struggling. According to the Times, most of the president's core businesses, including his golf courses and hotel just blocks from the White House report, losing millions, if not tens of millions year after year. The Times says documents show the president reported more than forty seven million dollars in losses in twenty eighteen alone, and he faces a personal debt totaling four hundred and twenty one million dollars, money that could come due while he's in office if he's elected to a second term.

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OK, can I just say, if you decided to lend four hundred million dollars to Donald Trump, that's on you. Yeah, I hope he doesn't pay you back because you are the one person on earth worse with money than he is.

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But just take a second to think about what all this means. If Donald Trump does win a second term, his creditors will come asking for their four hundred million dollars while he is still president. And I don't know about you, but that has me worried because I don't want the president's decisions for the country getting influenced by his deep financial troubles and also because there's a good chance that Trump is going to pay off his debt by selling off American treasuries. How much will you guys give me for the Grand Canyon?

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It's a priceless gesture meant to nature's majesty. I'll let you have it for 400 bucks. 350, dear.

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I got to say, guys, after reading the story in The New York Times and learning this about Trump, everything makes so much sense now. Like this tech story is the Rosetta Stone that helps us figure everything else. Trump doesn't actually want to be president. He just really needs that Secret Service protection shit.

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If I had four hundred million dollars in loans coming due, I'd also be trying to cancel the election. It also explains why Melania isn't leaving Trump. I mean, if she divorces him, she gets half of the four hundred million dollars in debt. I also now get why Trump was rooting for Bernie Sanders so hard. He wanted him to win so that the government would bail him out. I mean, it all makes sense now. People need even explains why Trump has been destroying the post office.

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Good luck collecting your money when you can't mail him a bill. Either way, people, America's president is in big trouble. He has a mountain of debt and his businesses are failing, which is why Africans have come together to try and help out those most in need.

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Hello. I am here with a message for my fellow Africans. Over the years, America has given us so much help. But now that is an American who needs our help. The president of the United States is in deep debt. He is so poor, he has to eat out of buckets. He cannot afford to educate his children and now they are so stupid. And every day he struggles to drink water, but for just the price of a cup of coffee a day, you can help the president go from being in enormous debt to being in just a lot of debt.

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And if you donate today, you will get a personal letter from the president. But please hurry. He is so malnourished, he has begun to slack his wax. God bless the United States. Thank you very much. Remember, you can help an American president in because without your help, he could soon be living in a shithole. The Supreme Court's the only people who have more control over your life than Jeff Bezos, for decades now, Ruth Bader Ginsburg was the cornerstone of the court's liberal bloc.

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But over the weekend, Donald Trump nominated Amy CONI Barret's as her replacement. And it looks like having three names is the only thing she and her predecessor have in common.

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Thirty seven days out from Election Day, the president selecting Judge Amy CONI Barrett to fill the seat vacated by the late Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg at age forty eight, Amy Koni Barrett would become the youngest member of the Supreme Court.

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A native of New Orleans, she went to college in Tennessee and graduated from law school at Notre Dame, where she taught law for 15 years and is a devout Catholic and a former clerk for Justice Antonin Scalia could reshape the court for decades to come, pushing it further to the right.

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In 2003, she suggested that a key Supreme Court decision upholding Roe v. Wade and the right to abortion was wrongly decided. If she's confirmed, the court would be more likely to uphold efforts by the states to restrict access to abortion. And the court would probably be more likely to broaden the reach of gun rights if she's confirmed. By the time the Supreme Court hears a make or break challenge to Obamacare in mid-November, she might be inclined to rule for the red states challenging the law.

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She's been critical of the court's 2012 ruling upholding it.

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That's right. People Trumps nominee to replace RBG could help overturn Roe v. Wade, kill Obamacare and expand gun rights.

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That means someday in the future, a fetus can shoot you and you won't have insurance to pay the hospital bills.

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This is like Mike Pence's wet dream if he was allowed to have them, of course. And what's really shocking about these issues is how out of touch the Supreme Court could be from the country at large. I mean. Sixty three percent of Americans want Roe v. Wade kept in place. Fifty six percent support Obamacare. And sixty four percent support stricter gun laws. I guess this is what the founding fathers always wanted, a branch of government that would act like an evil step-parent for the rest of the country.

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Please, ma'am, may I have some health care?

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No. Now go to your room and play with your AR 15, papa.

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And those are just some of the issues she'll rule on in the next couple of years, because keep in mind, Barrett is only forty eight years old, so she'll be sitting on the bench for decades, which is really bad news for liberals and really bad news for her. I mean, sitting on a bench for decades with no seat cushions, that's going to get uncomfortable or is that not how it works?

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They've got like now usually confirming a Supreme Court nominee can take up to three months. You need time to vet the nominee. You need time to hold the hearings and you need time to take them to the mall for their glamour shots.

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But since the election is just five weeks away, Republicans are putting the process on fast forward and based on the schedule that they've put forward, they are going to vote to confirm Amy CONI Barrett just days before the election. And you almost have to appreciate how ballsy this is. I mean, this is the same party that went from you can't confirm a Supreme Court justice during the same year as an election. And now they're practically confirming someone on Election Day.

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It's a complex legislative maneuver known as the shrug emoji. And, you know, I wouldn't mind Republicans doing a complete 180 on this if every now and again they flipped on a different belief, you know, like how poor people don't deserve to live, you know, do a 180 on that one, spice things up.

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And right now, Democrats don't have a lot of options to stop the nominee. In fact, Joe Biden has resorted to appealing to Republicans sense of decency and urging them to vote against filling the seats right before the election. But I'm gonna be honest, Republicans are not giving off a strong decency vibe right now.

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From Netroots, RGV to notorious ACB, the Republican grassroots fundraising group Winfred is now offering limited edition T-shirts, referring to President Trump's new Supreme Court nominee, Amy Barrett, as the notorious HCB. The short is at play in the late Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who is often referred to as the Notorious RBG. The shirt comes one week after Ginsburg's passing.

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Oh, yes, nothing says class and decency like mocking a deceased Supreme Court justice by stealing her nickname. Not only is this insulting to RBD legacy, it's insulting to rap because there's no way Amy CONI Barrett even knows who Biggie Smalls is.

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I bet if you asked her, she'd probably think you were taking measurements for her robe fitting. In fact, Amy coni Baratz is the exact opposite of RBG, so technically she should be Tupac. I mean, if you going to do it, do it right. There should be some pro-life T-shirts, Dumarsais.

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So, look, this was not a shining moment in the American history books, right? Political observers refer to it as a shit show, a dumpster fire, the worst debate in history. And with all the interrupting and cross talking, it might have even been hard to remember if anything important happened last night. But there was one moment that really stood out.

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Are you willing tonight to condemn white supremacists and militia groups and to say that they need to stand down and not add to the violence? And a number of these cities, as we saw in Kenosha and as we've seen in Portland. I'm willing to do anything I want to see and do it, sir. I do it. Say you want to call them. What do you want to call them?

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Give me a name. Give me a white supremacist like music in different voices and right out of my face. Stand back and stand by.

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But I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. Somebody's got to do something about Antifa and the left, because this is not a right wing problem.

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Wow. There you have it, folks. Trump had an opportunity to be like white supremacists. I don't agree with you.

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Instead, he's like, stand by, guys. I never know when I'm going to need you telling white supremacists to stand down and telling them to stand by. I'm not the same thing. That one little word makes a huge difference, like the difference between a blow out and a blowjob. Do not ask for the wrong one at Supercuts. Again, to the stuff at Supercuts. I apologize. I hadn't slept and I didn't read the menu properly. And even for that non condemnation, Trump had to be dragged into it like no president should ever have to be pressured this hard into condemning white supremacists.

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It's the easiest thing. Trump did it so grudgingly. He was like one of those guys who refuses to make real apologies. What I'm supposed to apologize for tailgating at your dad's funeral. Fine. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you're unable to have a good time. Some of us are still living. And by the way, you know that you've truly botched your condemnation of a hate group when that hate group says thank you for the endorsement.

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The proud boy is a far right extremist group, immediately celebrating the president's comments on social media.

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They went nuts on social media celebrating. They put out those words as a rallying cry. Stand back. Stand by. Within minutes, the group's members were posting on private social media, calling Trump's comments, quote, historic. The New York Times reports that some group members labeled it as a tacit endorsement of their violent tactics, while another posted the group is already seeing a spike in new recruits.

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Yes, thanks to Donald Trump's failed condemnation, this hate group is now seeing an increase in recruits, which means in the history of television, that might be one of the worst answers ever given. And that's coming from someone who once guessed the number seven on Wheel of Fortune. I didn't know what had to be letters. That was like I was new to America. The problem was like Donald Trump's answer so much that they even adopting it as their new slogan.

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And that actually might piss off Trump because the one thing he definitely believes in is getting royalties.

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Well, well, well, nobody should be advocating the supremacy of the white man without getting down on his luck. I'd be careful if I were the boys, though, because if there's one thing we know about Donald Trump is that once he invests in you, you have about five years until you go bankrupt. So, yes, in a debate that consisted almost entirely of three old men trying to shout over each other. This one moment was horrifying enough to break out and get noticed.

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And, you know, it's bad when even Trump's own supporters are left saying, you're doing the president.

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Well, he would not condemn white supremacists.

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I agree that the president made a bit of that error and not think that was a huge gaffe.

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He was he was kind of like playing around. I didn't like that. He equivocated when he could have a slam dunk that I think he misspoke because he didn't misspeak.

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Donald Trump threw the biggest layup in the history of debates by saying not condemning white supremacy. I don't know if he didn't hear it, but he's got to clarify that right away. That's like, are you against evil? Why the president didn't just knocked out of the park? I'm not sure.

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Yes. Why didn't the president condemn white supremacy? It's a real mystery, maybe he didn't hear the question or maybe he misspoke or maybe he thought they said spritzed supremacists and he's really into Sprite. I can't think of any other explanation. Watson By the way, did you notice that even when Fox people acknowledge Trump did something really bad, they still give him the benefit of the doubt? I wish I had friends that were that loyal. You know, if I shut my pants in public, none of my friends would be like, Trevor didn't shit himself.

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His butt misspoke. Before we go, please remember the West Coast is battling horrific wildfires that are destroying millions of acres of land and displacing thousands of people. Climate change has been a key factor in increasing the risk and the extent of these conditions. And one organization that has been working to find practical solutions for climate change and other environmental threats is the Environmental Defense Fund.

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If you can help them and you would like to join in their cause, then please visit the link below and donate whatever you can.

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The Daily Show with Criminal Lawyers Edition wants The Daily Show weeknights at 11:00, 10:00 Central on Comedy Central and the Comedy Central Watch full episodes and videos at The Daily Show Dotcom. Follow us on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram and subscribe to The Daily Show on YouTube for exclusive content and more. This has been a Comedy Central podcast now.