You're listening to DraftKings network. This is the Dan Levator show with the stu guts podcast. You won a best of the Dan Levitard show with stunt best of Brockfire with sassafras drinker. Brockfire is Trump Florida's. Man, how are things down there in Miami? Because, gee, I'm racking my brain. Has a city ever lost two different championships in back to back nights? I don't know. I imagine it's just devastation across the entire region. Just dead nightlife and clubs and restaurants closed, so many people in mourning. I mean, the hardcore fans down there, they have been following these teams probably since the beginning of May. I mean, six whole weeks. That's the new love phase. Very hard when something so fresh and new for people is just knuffed out, so unceremoniously and so quickly.

You're trying to kick us while we're down? That's what you're trying to do?

Well, I'm trying, but nobody's ever really downed in Miami. Come on, you all have the weather. You got the beach, you got the food, you got the drugs, you got the sheer level of attractiveness of your entire citizenry, present company excluded, of course. Mostly. I can see, Dan, why you have turned Miami into your fifth dome, because it's just paradise. But there can be no pleasure without consequence, right? Without sacrifice. Which is why Miami is also a magnet for the most insane that could ever be forced to wade through. I mean, just yesterday, the traveling Trump carnival rolled into town just down the road from Y'all. Isn't that right?

That is correct. You must have thoughts on the freak show that is always trailing Trump.

Wow. Yeah, it's worse than a freak show. Freak show is a big compliment. It's like a low rent carnival. It's a geek show is what geek they're like. Geek show. The kind of costume folks who will excitedly bite off the heads of chickens just so long as they're imagining the birds to be members of a persecuted minority or the capitol police, I guess either one. Either know, just nightmare clowns from a rob zombie movie. These people worship, of all people, trump. They worship Trump, Dan. It was basically an elderly open mic comedian in the outer boroughs doing bad racist improv into whatever microphone will have him. I mean, it would be really stupid if it wasn't also the greatest threat to American democracy perhaps ever. Yeah, you know what? Two things can be true at once. Let's be mature here. Two things can be true. So it's incredibly stupid and it's the greatest threat to American democracy.

And what are your thoughts on the charges? You think these are going to be the charges that stick or what?

Well, let's analyze. Let's go to the tape. They have him on tape basically saying, folks, I'm committing a crime right now. Folks, crime committing it. Or more accurately, folks, we're about to show you my Trump needs work. Let me take another.

No, it's pretty good. It's pretty good. It's a good trump.

Folks, we're about to show you would not have been a crime when I was president, but now I'm not president. It is a crime to possess this and to show it to you. Folks. Do you not think that I'm cool, folks? Cool? Me, cool? I mean, unbelievably, pathetic. Waving around nuclear secrets to impress the likes of Antonio Sabato, Jr. That's what he did. Remember the days when we all thought that Trump was stupid like a fox? That he was playing five dimensional chess? Turns out the guy can't even play Connect Four, okay? Diagonal confuses him. Keeps getting distracted trying to put the little tokens in by shoving satellite photos of America's secret military installations into our face. But will he be convicted? Right?

That was the question I asked.

Yes. No is the answer. No chance. Because he is right about one thing. Two systems of justice in this country he belongs to. The one where, if you're rich enough, you can buy your way out of consequence because you can't pull twelve sane Americans in Florida to serve on a jury. I'm saying ten to two mistrial whenever this thing wraps up.

Yes.

Excuse me, but I have a very important question about this whole thing for you, Dan, since you are my local Florida expert. Does this story of this alleged, alleged, alleged, alleged, alleged crime and all its headlines, does it officially turn Donald Trump, the famous New Yorker, into Florida Man? Is he? Florida man.

Oh, that's a good question. Florida man is always the most famous of the criminals in the headlines that have perpetual weirdness in them. So, yeah, I think that's a pretty good I don't know whether he goes from New York to Florida, but he is a Florida man in let's let's.

Reason through this, because to me, to be Florida Man requires three things, okay? First, you need an incredible newspaper headline, one that really commands your attention with its gobsmacking, ridiculous criminality. So I would say that ex president steals state secrets and hides them in his get. That qualifies as number one. So check on that. Okay? One down. Second, the crime itself has to be unbelievably stupid. He's got this one handily in the indictment, one of his lawyers says that I got to drink a little toast of Donald Trump.

It's great and it's terrible.

Nothing can be funnier than the actual reality of it. So, in the indictment, one of his lawyers said that Trump asked him asked a lawyer to steal a classified document by silently making a grabbing gesture, what's known as a yoink. That's the yoink. He tried to get his own lawyer to commit a felony through a game of charades. Amazingly stupid. Double check. Discount double check. Okay, lastly, and here comes the tough one. To be the Florida Man, the story has to involve an alligator somehow. Got to be an alligator.

See, that's where your theory falls apart. No alligators yesterday when Mike Ryan was close to being tear gassed.

I know. You know what, though? It's so close, the stupid son of a bitch has got it done. Something idiotic with gators around at one point. I'm going to Google Trump dumb and gator alligator right away. There we go. 2019. I'm going to quote here, okay? This is a real story. New York Times. New York Times. I swear privately, the president has often talked about fortifying a border wall with a water filled trench stocked with alligators, prompting aides to seek a cost estimate. That's a real story from the time that's real.

It's real.

Trump. He's Florida, man. Trump is Florida. Man let's change all those headlines just to Trump.

I mean, what were you laughing about? And why did you just mutter during the break? Shoot migrant legs. Is that what the phrase I just heard you mutter into the microphone when we were off air?

This is the New York Times. The paper of record. The headline is shoot Migrant's Legs build Alligator moat behind Trump's ideas for border. I thought Brockmeyer was just a he.

Uh, he comes with accurate information.

Again, two things can be true. I am a drunk, and that is real.

Your thoughts on the NBA finals? Surely you have some thoughts, because I couldn't even get you last week to talk about baseball because you wouldn't shut up about basketball.

Yeah. You know, I love the NBA finals. Saw Mike Ryan yesterday, though, blaming the gentleman's sweep on referee Tony Brothers. Ryan. What? As if. Miami didn't get any calls in this series. One of the last plays of the game was Aaron Gordon getting called for a three shot foul for having the audacity the gumption to get kicked in the nuts by Jimmy Butler.

That's true.

After all that, Ryan, you're still playing the ref, huh?

Yep, he is. His balls. He's given Jimmy a spot to land.

Good point. Very good point. I call that hogwash poppy, cog and codswallow. That's right, codswallow.

Really?

In that order? Because the Nuggets were flat out better. And to prove it you know what? I'm going to back this up. I'd like to use my favorite analytical stat. You kids, you love the analytics. Okay, here's the stat you can always rely on. It's called wins and losses. Those numbers, boy, they generally help show you which you're the better team. Yeah, that's last ten games, miami Heat's record was three wins and seven losses. Follow the numbers here. Not too good. Hard to accomplish for a team that makes it it really is, actually. I mean, remarkable in its wretchedness. Now, let's look at the Nuggets record over the last ten games. Nine. I said tan games. Here's to you. Ten games, not tan games.

That's right. Ten games.

Last ten games. Nine and one. Yeah. One team was out over its skis with its white hot shooting and came back down to Earth and the other historically great. Seems that way to me. And they're just getting started.

That is accurate. And they're just getting started because of Jokic. You're as flabbergasted by him as the rest of us are. Correct?

Yeah. I mean, it's not just because I'm pretty drunk, which I am, but he's just just I love him. I mean, when your most talented player is also your most unselfish player, that's when you win. In basketball, his teammates just fly around knowing they know that their effort is going to be rewarded with the ball. How many superstars can you say that about? Only the thing more remarkable than his amazing performance to win the championship was his complete lack of interest in celebrating.

It really was amazing.

He literally was like, I just want to go home. I just want to go home. Why? You know why? Because he loves his horses so goddamn. How about that? That's correct. What's with these? Like a twelve year old girl who hides in a stall all day drawing in her journals. I have a theory on that. I think I know why. Because when you're just the biggest thing anywhere you've ever gone, sometimes it's nice to feel small, isn't it? Carrying your family and your country and your franchise. I said franchise, not franchise. I got to do a shot.

That is not another shot, Brockmeyer. Come on.

No, it helps. It helps. It doesn't help you're getting worse a lot. It doesn't help you're carrying all these things, including your adopted home. Sometimes you just want something to carry you, don't you? Because strong men, they need to feel supported, too. Dan, you know what I'm talking about. You're a big, strong fella. You got a lot on your shoulders. Sure, you've gone into a pool with a lady friend, maybe your good lady wife at some point and just hugged on her for a while. You use the lack of gravity in the water. Let her fully support your full body weight. Body weight. Body weight.

That's not right. You're getting drunker. Please. That wasn't that was just a sip.

Of your I'm out of shots. I only lined up three.

You thought you were only going to make three mistakes.

Back to the drink. I'm back to the mothership. Back to the mothership. But Dan, you know, seriously, you want to feel the safety and the protection that you haven't known since you were a child. I mean, I know that, admitted, you've done that. You've been in the pool with your good lady wife and she held you. Gravity. Big, horribly dressed teddy bear.

Thank you.

The lack of gravity.

I wear my shirt in the pool as well. Can we get to baseball, please?

Sure.

We're supposed to have a segment with you. It's supposed to be I know. You get a minute. A baseball segment.

Last week you called it ball. 1 minute. Give me 60 seconds. To summarize an entire week of the greatest game ever invented.

Yes. 1 minute of baseball.

1 minute basketball is over. Football yet to begin. We're the only game in town now. We haven't even gotten to the NBA draft at the beginning of NFL training camp. It's like nine days here where sports fans have to pay attention to us. You have to choice.

You're down to 30 seconds.

Okay. Oakland a's. I highlighted them last week for their.

Incoming seven game winning streak since you.

Seven and since you ripped them.

Yes.

Longest winning streak in baseball. And just last night, the Oakland fans threw a reverse boycot where they drew the biggest crowd of the year yet to gather and fight for their A's by leading chance directed at owner John Fisher to sell the team. It was a beautiful thing watching them shout out their love for their community and their go.

We got to go, Brockmeyer. Time's up. We got to get out of here with you. Enough.

Well, I'm not even as lit as I usually get.

Next week. We'll talk to you again next week.

Sure. As long as the checks keep clearing, which they have. Or until you start showing up to work in, like, a dirty, loose robe, which at this rate will probably be by August, right.

Thank you, Brockmeyer. Good talking to you. Good seeing you again. We will talk to you again next week. Enjoy the drinks. Yes. He is just hammered beyond all reason here.

Thank you for being the caucasid of Christian Braun.

I feel like a bit of an idiot, right? Because I've been yelling at Brockmeyer about his podcast. His podcast is due. It's supposed to have celebrity guests. He hasn't actually done it. He's generally irresponsible. But I am loathe to admit that I've enjoyed him showing up here every week or so on a semi regular basis to talk about just sports stuff, and I didn't know I forgot that it was today that you were coming in, and so I didn't dress better. You crushed me last week. So what are we doing today with my let's do a fit check here, because I really came in poorly dressed today.

Yeah, because the other days you're such a fashion plate. Let's take a look at you today. Well, Dan, you look like you stopped by the studio on your way to teach the least popular Curves class in existence. Is there, like, a special section at Dick's Sporting Goods that sells workout gear for the man who has everything but wants to look like he's got nothing? Because what do you just you just go down there and just empty entire racks into your car.

All right, let's get to game three. Last night.

You like kudos. By the way, there was less whining about the podcast this time. Soon we'll have no whining but progress.

Not have a podcast.

I shouldn't have said anything. Here we go. Okay. Regardless, as opposed to have a podcast. My hat is enormous. You really sounds like you I don't understand, though.

Okay, never mind. He's supposed to do his job.

Enjoy what you have. My goodness, Mr. Glass half empty and hat quite full.

I've never noticed that. You do got, like one of those Brian Robinson fake hats. Yeah, the big hats. Comically big hat.

Stan, look who's hey, pot calling kettle black. What's on your head? What the hell is on your head, sir? My God, it's like Miami took a on your head.

Speaking of Miami, game three last night, what were your thoughts, Brockmeyer? Because we'll get to baseball, I suppose. Maybe not. But you have all random sports thoughts on all things topical.

Yeah, we'll get to baseball for sure. I understand. Is your studio right across from the arena, is that correct?

Yes.

Okay, so maybe you can hang a sign on the front of your building. There it is. Remind Miami Heat fans that a basketball game is, in fact, 48 minutes long, because every time their team is losing in the last few minutes of a finals game, the entire lower bowl turns tail and exits the building. I mean, you would have thought that after missing out on Ray Allen's shot there, they would have learned their lesson. But no. Four minutes to go in this one. They all walked out. Well, it looked like The Love Guru started playing on the jumbotron or something. Remember the Love Guru. Anyone? Love Guru? Yeah, Mike Myers. For a while, we were all like, what can't Mike Myers do? And then we found out. We found out, didn't we? The Love Guru.

Can we get back to the game, please?

Yes. Interesting game. He gave up 30 point triple doubles to Yokich and Murray. Very difficult to out grit a team when they're throwing up those numbers against you. But the difference in the game was Christian Brown. I mean, my God, what a performance from the Nuggets rookie there. I was very taken with his PG 13 good looks and his muscular build and haircut. You can set your watch to I'm not ashamed to say this, this young man gave me a sports media boner that lasted for more than 3 hours. I had to contact my doctor, by the way, you know, that that state of affairs, you know, this Dan Lebertard that's what's known as a tebow, that level of arousal. Every once in a while, there comes a white player, a white boy with real athleticism, not scrappy, not an effort guy, a real player with a face that looks like it's just dying to talk about Jesus Christ all the time. Yeah, he's the kind of innate winner. He'll be a lot of awful, terrible people's favorite play. He can just lift an entire sports network for months.

Do you have any sports analysis that isn't that Christian Brown is white?

I have real Christian Brown analysis. All kidding aside, as a rookie, he might lack NBA experience, but that also means that his recent college experience includes a lot more zone defense than any of his teammates out there. He's the only Nugget who's ever broken down a zone in a championship game. Did it last year in a tournament with Kansas. Finding soft spots, back cuts, pocket passes to slice up Miami's. Two, three and two two, one zone. That comes easy to him. He's already done it at the very highest levels, so he's good.

Actual analysis, Dan.

It's good analysis. It's cogent non racialized analysis.

Thank you very much.

Now.

You're welcome, Dan. Now, if I could find one word to describe the way Christian bound I'm sorry, I'm hitting it.

What is it now? That's a brown liquor. Will you be a professional?

I got the sazerac with the kalua because it's morning time and some coffee.

Makes those two things Brock Meyer.

What do you mean? Look. You sure you can I got it right here. Look at it.

Season four on Hulu. Weren't you sober?

I can't decide what you whine more about my sobriety? The fact that you don't get a podcast. My goodness, we should well, don't slow.

Your words when we're talking.

I'm sorry. I'm sure you're right. I should be professional. Christian Brown. I want to get back to him because there's one way to describe the way he plays. One word, in fact. And that word is caucasity.

Oh, it really is.

He plays with a certain kind of pale skin, daring dew. He's reclaiming the word from all the karens and the aggressive, ponytailed hippies out there. No longer will caucasity only refer to demanding to see the manager or wearing tiva sandals in public, no thanks to Christian Brown. We'll also include his magnificent performance off the bench today. Don Lebotard. Well, Charlie sent charlie had this Charlie, as far as I know, so just Charlie's title in my stugats.

How familiar were you at the time with Chewbacca? Like your upbringing had how much Chewbacca in it?

This is The Dan Levatar Show with The Stu. Guts.

Amin has been chasing around the Jokic brothers. He's warning people, don't make jokes at the expense of the Jokic brothers. Do you have anything to warn Brockmeyer about in the event that he doesn't know that he needs to be careful around the Jokic brothers?

So, Brock Meyer.

I did a video in Denver about how I thought the Jokic brothers were a myth. And there's something propaganda created by the Denver media to make Jokic seem a lot scarier than he really is. And then I saw them yesterday, and let me just tell you, the myths are true. The legends are true. It's like the Loch Ness monster and the Yeti and the abominable snowman all rolled into one. The dude was breathing fire, and tattoos on his body were moving as I saw them. Have you ever seen these creatures up close?

No, I haven't. But even through the television. I'm with you. I would encourage Miami Heat fans in those lower sections down there to be very careful because this is all courtside adjacent. And at that price point, I'm assuming that Miami fans who got tickets were like shady mortgage brokers and shady pharmaceutical executives or maybe shady club owners, but just not the type of men who should be challenging two dead eyed Serbian giants to a test of wills. Okay. The rich Heat fans, these are balding men in tight shirts who employ goons. They never put themselves in a position to throw hands with goons. They have two settings those jokic fellas seething and rage. And I would hide before being on the receiving end, either of them.

Can we get some predictions here? Because the Heat look like they're in trouble. I want to know what you think is going to happen the rest of the series here.

I don't know. The only thing I'm sure of is that I will love it because I'm a big fan of high stakes basketball. These are the highest stakes possible because, as you know, Dan, I'm a big fan of your patented the Dan Levitard Heat culture is actually a cult theory. I think that's some of your finest words.

That's not how that happened, Brockmeyer.

That's what you said. You said it. You put it forward.

I did not put it forward.

I'm giving you credit for it. So based on past results, these finals go one of two ways. Yes. This is either the greatest victory in cult history surpassing even when Scientology extorted the IRS into declaring it a religion so that they could attain tax free status. Google that. It's true, kids. Or it goes the other way. Spectacular implosion that can be seen from a distance and lingers like a foul stench, like a waco or a Jonestown. Dan, don't drink the Kool Aid, please stick to the rivers and the lakes. That how you would dress is apparently what you're used to.

Is that TLC?

Can you speak up, please?

It's supposed to be a funny, like, little Brock Meyer.

Thank you. I'm running out of time this segment, but I'm not done with you because there are other things that I want to ask you about, including the serious subject matter. I believe I have this right? One of the times you were on with us, it seemed like you were doing work for the Saudis, that you were contaminated and corrupt as well. I have that right, yes.

It didn't seem that way. It was that way, absolutely.

All right. So I want to ask you about what Liv just did, and hopefully we'll get to baseball at some point. Come back.

Did Liv do something I didn't hear? I'll have to look into it and get back to you.

Come back with us, would you? It's coming back to me now because I was embarrassed by it at the time. But he has a way of disarming me because he's charming and drunk. But last time you were on with us, or two or three times ago, it was clear yes, that you had been bought by the Saudi Wealth Fund. And you're just now looking like a pioneer, Brockmeyer because at the time, I was judging you for it. But now the live PGA merger proves that you're just changing the game because you just got that money before other corrupt, contaminated people did.

As usual, I was one step ahead of everybody. I'm getting pretty lit up, right? I took their money, Dan. I told you that a while ago. And you know what else? You're not going to get me to denigrate those great and honorable men over there. You know why I'm not going to do that, Dan?

I don't.

Because I like my limbs attached to my body, that's why. And not stacked like cordwood on the Linoleum bathroom floor of a Courtyard by Marriott.

All right, linoleum. It's a tough word. I'm not drinking, but it is a tough word.

Linoleum.

I'm not trying to get you into any trouble, but can you give me any insight into why it is that you and PJ Commissioner Jay Monahan end up taking the money to sell their souls?

Sure. Because we're whores, Dan Levitard. How's that for insight? That is why we took the money. But what are we alone? We're not alone. It's the age of whores. Yeah, where the only choice you ever get is what piece of yourself are you willing to sell? American life, right now, it just feels like you know what American life feels like right now? That scene in Lord of the Rings where they're running away from that giant fire demon. The Balrog, I believe he was called. And their only escape is a bridge that's just collapsing beneath their feet. Only one way. Excuse me?

The Bridge of Kazadoom.

Kazadoom? Even nerdier than I am. Amazing. I thought Balrog was a deep cut balrog of Morgoth, by the way, but wow. What kind of nerd what is the Nerd Festival going on? Are you looking that up, or was that actually handy in your brain? Looking what up? Yeah, okay, whatever she said. You're running along that thing. It's collapsing beneath your feet. And the only way to escape certain doom man, I'm lit up. Is to leap from rock to rock. You have to make more money. That's the only way you can survive. We're all on OnlyFans in one way or another. Except for Dan Levitar. Except for you. I know you, Dan, are living a life without compromise because as a small child, you dreamed of having an empire funded by sports gambling being available right in the palm of your hand. Dream fulfilled, thanks to the wonderful people at DraftKings. But the rest of us, we're not so lucky. Some of us still have to hustle for a living. So, yeah, I sold my dignity and my big, fat mouth for what now looks like a very small amount of money.

Are you saying the commissioner of the PGA prostituted himself?

No. Because if he had actually done that, I would respect it a lot more than what he did. Like if Jay Monahan decided to hang out in a rundown bathroom stall at an abandoned public park, giving out handies for crumpled up $20 bills, that would be a lot more honorable than what he actually did. Because to me, voluntarily tugging on somebody's pud, that's no different. That's like pulling a lever in some factory. You're putting food on the table. You're trying to keep a roof over your head. Only difference is the hours in the bathroom stall are better than at the factory. But Monahan, he's not struggling to get by now, is he? He's not some down on his luck, poorly dressed baseball broadcaster who will gladly pimp himself out to draft kings now that Liv is going out of business. By the way, note to DraftKings I am available. No. Jay monahan. Very, very rich man already. Tens of millions of dollars in the bank, set for life. Kids are set for life. Which means he didn't sell his entire soul for peace of mind or security. He sold it for a bigger yacht docked at a more expensive club a year ago.

He stood in front of every microphone and camera that he could, and he planted a pedestal atop the highest horse to wag his finger at anybody would ever dare accept blood money. But he turns out to be the kind of twisted freak for whom the illusion of ethics that was a negotiating tactic to get the maximum amount of that same blood money pumped right into his veins. Absolutely despicable. And something I would have done in a second if they gave me half the chance, as would most people. Except for Dan, of course. We named him and one other chosen golden man, just a Christ like figure who has rejected the hundreds of millions of dollars the Saudi wealth fund offered him so that he can accept slightly less money to live and play in Miami. I'm, of course, talking about Mr. Lionel Messi. Cheers to you guys.

You tricked me, Brockmeyer.

What kind of august? This is the biggest news in the history of professional soccer in America. It should be celebrated, especially by Miami's own Dan Levitard. But I did find it did you hear him? I found it a little amusing the way Messi spoke about his desire to come and play in the MLS. He said he wanted to come to the United States I'm quoting now to live football in another way and enjoy the day to day more. To live and play soccer in a calmer way, he said. Which basically means, like so many others before him, he's moving to Florida, seeking an active you know, I look forward to watching him be the best player in. MLS history as he lets himself go and gets a pot belly and grabs a tame.

Yeah, that is the way to do it.

It is shocking to me. Now, one more thing about the messy thing. The very idea that he would give up $600 million from the Saudis to move to Florida. Personally, I would not live in Florida if you paid me $600 million.

Enough with this, Brockmeyer. It's my home state. Come on, knock it off. What are you doing?

I'm sorry. Florida coasts are nice for parts of the year, I suppose. And I'm sure the paved over swamps of central Florida have some good people in them who don't know any better, I guess. But it does not matter to me. If Shangri la itself was located south of Tallahassee, I would still avoid it. Because you know why? I refuse to live in any place where I would ever be forced to see Ron DeSantis's face on my television more than I already do. My God. God. Honestly, have you ever seen such a vacuous, charmless void of a person? His laugh is even his laugh is hideous. He just looks like a horse eating an apple, doesn't he? Teeth and strain. Neck and effort. Look at him. And now that he's running for president oh, look at him. What's his first order of business? Running for president? First thing he does, takes Florida tax money to trick a group of asylum seekers in Texas. What's he doing bothering with folks over there? So they can be flown in a private plane to Sacramento? So they can be dropped off at a Catholic church as some kind of a prank?

He's like the Johnny Knoxville of human trafficking now. Just tooth laughing at the very idea of human dan. I guess it's the woke mind virus now, to think that people should be treated as something other than livestock. I want to clean this up for radio or whatever we're on, but.

I'm.

Going to choose my words carefully. He's a rancid little, that's what he is. He went finger guns.

I didn't notice that.

Wait, this just came to me. Who he reminds me of. In all seriousness, do you remember the movie Weird Science? Remember that? Yes. Extraordinarily problematic tale of two horny teenagers who conjure up Kelly LeBrock on their computers so they can have sex with her. It's a heartwarming story and a Hoodle.

That is what happened.

That's exactly what happened in that movie. There was a bully in that movie named Chet. Remember him? Yeah. He gets turned into this giant monster.

That's true.

That's ron DeSantis. That's who he reminds me of. DeSantis. But actually, that doesn't hold up, because Chet was played by the legendary Bill Paxton in one of his earliest roles. Really? He was? Yeah. Look that up. And even as monster, Bill Paxton had more charm and humanity than DeSantis could ever convey in a thousand lifetimes. Plus, at the end of the film Paxton, as Chet expresses tangible regret for being so disgusting and repellent, which, of course, DeSantis would never, ever do. And old Ronnie, boy, he's the unrepentant kind monster, just vomiting filth all around him and then blaming you for having the audacity to be bothered by the smell. What a wretched. Wretched god. Florida. Here's to Florida.

All right, enough, though. No politics with your sports. You're supposed to be doing a baseball segment for us. Don't we have I don't think we have any imaging ready, because we never do. Don't we have a strike four with Jim Brockmeyer segment that we're supposed to be doing here?

It's a good name. Strike four. So that's the name our baseball segment finally gets named? No, that's you guys came up with.

It's supposed to be sold. We don't have sponsoring.

I was hoping to get pills.

We don't have it.

Oh, you do have to. That's the music.

We don't have a library or a catalog. We can't afford real music, so it's ragtime.

This is like the it's like the bar scene in the first Star Wars movie. What is going on over there?

40 years before that, a saloon most.

Icy cantina with flappers.

Pills. Pills was a light hitting second baseman for the Philadelphia Phillies back in the 40s. Would you call it strike four with Jim Brockman? Yeah, thanks, guy. I'm sure that boy, I'm sure your producers have given almost as much thought to that name as they did to their lunch order today, so thank you.

So bad.

But, yeah, I'm here to talk about the biggest story in baseball this week. Can we kill the music now? Because it threw me off. Han shot first, by the way. Yes, he did. Yeah, he did. Han shot first. All right, biggest story in baseball this week. Oakland A's in the running. This is true for the worst baseball team in baseball history, which, newsflash, folks, goes back a very, very long way. Beginning of June, that's where we are. They've already been outscored by 200 runs. That is stult defying. They are 14 and 50, which means they are challenging not only just the expansion Mets record of 40 and 120 in 1962, but the Cleveland Spiders record of 20 and 134, which comes all the way back from 1899. Nothing that happened in 1899 should ever be repeated in 2023. Now, that era was like all of the industrialism and all of the racism all at once. Let's not go back there now. Why are the A's so bad, man? Because John Fisher, their owner, wants them to be bad. He figures that the worse they are, the easier it'll be to move the team to Las Vegas.

But who's John Fisher? Who is he? He is the failSOME of the two founders of the Gap clothing empire. Isn't capitalism fun? Isn't it just? We all bought jeans in the mall 30 years ago, and now Oakland doesn't get to have a baseball team. Unless the stadium funding deal that they are seeking from Nevada is not assured of going through. Fisher might have paid the A's so darn bad that nobody wants to pony up a billion dollars in tax dollars to get so maybe, maybe for once, somebody born on Third doesn't get to fail their way across home plate. But as usual, I have my doubts about anything good ever happening again. So I'm not holding my breath. I'm just going to drink my kalua and coffee and Cesarean.

Your breath smells like liquor too early in the morning. Do you have anything to plug before you get out of here?

Not really, but apart from begging somebody to give me a job now that I'm out of my live golf job. But I do have a call to action, to your audience, if I might. Dan, I would just love it if people out there listening could take clips of Chet Monster from Weird Science, take clips of him talking, guy talking, and play audio of Ron DeSantis being a weasley little dingleberry underneath it, and then tweet it at the show. Why? I don't just I think I would just find it amusing and it's better than actually having to look at his stupid face.

All right. Very good, Brockmeyer. You can't talk like that on the podcast. We'll talk to you next.

Just dead Dan Levitar just did.

Sober up, please, sir. Thank you.

Is it cold in the studio? Because the nerdy lady who was yelling out Lord of the Rings stuff is all in. Why is she in a blankie? But does she only feel safe in there with you animals wrapped up like that? I wouldn't blame her. Brockmeyer's force to talk to Samson.

Welcoming back. Brockmeyer quite excited that he's here.

Thank you, David. Boy, that was a quick intro. Usually I'm used to Dan whining at I'm that I'm drunk, which, by the way, even for me, I'm a little more than usual today. And usually he whines at me about being drunk and not giving him a podcast. So you threw me there with that quick intro.

Well, Dan's not here today.

Well, great. Okay. Always a pleasure to be back on the Dan Levitard Show with two guy. Where is Dan? Is he in the bathroom or something? Because I imagine that Dan's age and health level, that his prostate is about the size of a compact. So, you know, I'm guessing that his number ones probably take about as long as his number twos these days. Either way, he's definitely sitting down. So yeah, Dan, take a load off. You deserve the can. I can not. But you're saying he's not there at all. He's, like, not in the studio?

He is nowhere, in my view.

What does that mean? You just lost track of him? It's a narrow view. Great. Okay. So you guys are a well oiled machine there. All right, so dan's. AWOL. Can I talk to Stu? Gotts. But before I do, let me turn down the brightness here on my computer monitor, because I'd rather not witness the damage that a week of following the Grateful Dead around can do to a man's already sunken eyes and his gray skin tone. If Stu Gotts has gone full golem, I got to wear some kind of protective blindfold or something.

I am sorry to tell you that Stu Gotts, shockingly, is not here either.

Are you kidding me? Are you being serious? Stu Gotts is not there, either? This is the Dan Levitard Show with Stugatz. And so there's no Dan Levitard or Stugatz today. Great. I got what's your name again, sir? David Samson. As in Samson and Delilah? They threw you out there?

Never heard that one.

Well, what am oh, excuse me. Was that just a little trite for you? I didn't come up with something clever enough? I'm just trying to get your name right because I don't know who the heck you are. I mean, I feel like I showed up to Yankee Stadium to watch a Little League game. Did the good people at DraftKings know about this? Do they know that they're paying good money for the JV squad to get in some reps here today? I just thought of a better question. Why am I here? If mom and dad are gone? Why am I being forced to sit at the kids table with David, Samson and Delilah?

I can actually assure you, Brockmeyer, that I am perfectly fine handling the show.

Okay, David. Excuse me. Point well taken, but I mean no disrespect now, but you can't handle sir, okay? Because I've seen clips excuse me circulating online, and Mike sure what was that? Walking you around on a leash while you're begging him for his telephone number. Good God. And just to head you right off at the pass, no, can't have my number either. If I ever get curious about how you and your friends poisoned baseball in Florida so thoroughly that the Marlins can't even draw 8000 people to watch a 400 hitter, I'll just look that up on your Wikipedia page. Okay? Should we write under the controversy heading right near the picture of Mike sure bending you over his knee and spanking your what I imagine is your hairy ass until it's gosh David. I'm sorry, David Sampson. That might have come off a little disrespectful, but for me, it's not that's. Just throat just I have to get that stuff out of my system before I can really get going, so don't worry. I did not mean all of that. It was a little bit mean. I did mean most of it, but I didn't mean all of it.

So anyway, I'm so glad I'm drinking today. What would you like to talk about, David?

That people know very well that my ass is not Harry.

What? People know that? Well, what do they call that? OnlyFans what do you want? On OnlyFans with your buttocks.

NBA.

It's got its own pace. David Samson's buttocks. What?

We want to talk about it's beginning Friday. Brock Meyer. What prediction?

I just need a neck brace for the transition there. So David Sampson's butt to NBA free agency. Got it? Okay. What would you like to know about the NBA free agency? David Sampson's buttocks?

I want to know who's going where.

Well, I only have one prediction. It's hard to say, right? That prediction is that Damien Lillard is not going to come to Miami, no matter how much everybody down there at the Meadowark Media Studio might wish that he was. No, I'm sorry to be anti Santa Claus or whatever, but the most likely scenario is that he just stays put. Because Damon, the Trailblazers organization have a Sid and Nancy level of codependence over there. The only way it appears they're going to abandon each other is through a player organization murder suicide. But if Lillard is traded, I believe he'll go to the Brooklyn Nets, because their offer of picks and players is far, far better for rebuilding timeline than anything the Heat can offer. Now, I know what fans are saying down there, and I don't totally disagree with it, but what if Miami is Dame's preferred destination? What if that's where the guy wants to go? Well, to that, I would remind them that Lillard, unlike Bradley Beal, fascinatingly, does not get to choose his destination through a no trade clause. Which means that the only way he can come to Miami is through the altruism of the Portland owners.

Just the sheer charity. Charity by them at the expense of their own bottom line. Now, David Sampson's Buttocks, I know about your belief in the good hearted nature of the billionaire class. You've been very clear about that. That billionaires succeed because of their brilliant minds and their gentle souls. But personally, I never had a taste for blatant bootlicking, so my belief swings wildly in the opposite direction. So to settle this disagreement as objectively as possible, I want to be fair to you, okay? You and all the people on OnlyFans who just love your buttocks. Let's turn over to Google. Okay, let's look at Google here. Let's see who owns the Trailblazers. That's the first thing I know. That Paul Allen, the co founder of Microsoft, used to own them. So let's see which new bootstrapped American genius is in charge of the team these days. Got it. His sister Judy, and her top advisor is Paul Allen's college roommate, boy, a nepo sister and a nepo dorm assignment. But listen, I am sure they are just a couple of gentle sweethearts. Nope. Hold up on that one. David's buttocks flag on the play because I'm reading an article of accusations of, and I'm quoting now, toxic workplace harassment of bodyguards.

Amazingly and wow. Huh? A refusal to speak with Damien Lillard or his camp. Now, who would have thunk it. Gee, I guess wow, I gotta take a minute because I guess America isn't a meritocracy and that maybe billionaires only care about the accumulation of assets and power at the expense of humanity. So no, I don't think Portland is just going to drop off Damien Lillard on Miami's doorstep holding out a nice bottle of wine out of the goodness of their hearts. I don't think that.

Well, if you don't think that, what other teams are you looking at this weekend?

Well, you're a good sport, I got to say that. David. I'm just ram rodding you and you're just asking me polite questions. I got to admire your professional demeanor, I really do. And your haircut. You're looking good. What'd you ask me? What was it? I'm just so taken with you. What'd you say?

I am so distracted by your brilliance that I need to know what other teams should we be looking out for as NBA free agency starts this weekend?

Oh, all right. Sacramento. Sacramento. They seem poised to me to make a move, as many have pointed, but because all the contenders, they're the only team with huge amounts of cap space. Right, but pardon me, sazerac coming back up on me. Excuse me, but much like insults about you, I have to get that out or I can't go on in. Everything I'm reading, they keep mentioning and I'm quoting this a Sacramento tax. You heard about that? Which is like adding another 20% on top of a free agent's tab just to get them to want to move to Sacramento. I mean, that's got to be disheartening to those King fans living in Sacramento. I mean, sometimes it must feel like the entirety of NBA fandom is just laughing at them. And that's because they are, David. And that laughter is deafening. But at least the people of Sacktown can console themselves with the fact that they do not live in Oklahoma City. That's right. I'm circling back to that. There's no such thing as an OKC free agency tax because no NBA player would ever choose to go there of his own volition. The only way the Thunder can even field the team these days is to accumulate enough draft picks, thereby forcing teenagers, young men, into indentured servitude.

A contract that can last up to seven years. Seven years. Seven in OKC of driving three hour drive to Dallas just to have some fun. Seven years of pretending, oh, you know, that Indian restaurant? That wasn't that bad. Seven years of convincing yourself, hey, this zoo, this zoo is the best zoo in the state. No, thank you. Keep your millions of dollars. I'd much rather get the Sacramento tax. Again, I apologize to anybody in OKC catching these wish. You know what, Oklahoma people? I wish there was some way for you to control my constant shots. But unfortunately, Oklahoma is an open carry state, so I can just keep firing. I can just keep firing in sosatcha till I'm unafraid of living there, which will be exactly never.

Thank you, Brockmire.

Oh, you're so welcome, David. I don't know.

Say I'm touched at your view of Oklahoma and of you thinking that that's what we should be watching.

It's a lot of basketball for Brockmire today.

There's so much baseball that I love.

All sports and I love David Samson. I mean, I'm just very inspired today by David's, sort of. It's like a madman vibe coming off you.

David, can I convince you to talk baseball at some point? Because there's a lot that's going on in that sport that is meaningful to me.

Of course. I know you're a baseball man, and as am I. And I'm excited. That's why they ostensibly why they bring me here to talk baseball. But now I'm obsessed with my own madman observation. There's somebody in that cast you remind me of. It's definitely not Don Draper. I can't figure it out. Which one of them are you? I think you're the guy who got the girl pregnant and they totally dropped that storyline for reasons I don't understand. Yeah, Pete, thank you. Oh, is that nerdy Lord of the Rings lady? She nice to hear from you again. So you watch all shows, not just nerd out over the Sci-fi?

I nerd out over Mad Men, too.

Yeah, well, me, too. I'm right with you there. Got very good taste in there surrounded by the freaks. Anyway, what were we talking? Baseball? Oh, my gosh. Okay.

It's the best thing that we can talk to you about because of all of the storylines that revolve around Miami, there are several.

I mentioned one, which is you ruining the whole deal down there. But first of all, the rules, the new rules, right? You'll agree, working with flying color, I mean, we are not used to things getting better in America, but I'm telling you, with baseball, it's true. This year the games are consistently under 3 hours. They feature speed, just speed, all over the field, which means we've reached soccer levels of entertainment now. I mean, we even have new rules for extra innings, which seem like random, but just like the extra time in soccer, right? So you hear that? Soccer. Baseball is now, once again, excuse me, America's third favorite sport. Number three with a bullet, baby. Bullet that will never, ever come close to number two. But still a very exciting time. I mean, we had a perfect game last night. Only 24 of those out there, granted, against the A's, so it's got to come with some kind of asterisk. But things are getting exciting everywhere. Real athletes, real ones, are playing the game again. These are not your daddy's John Crux spitting tobacco on carpets of green Astroturf. I'm talking about honest to God, physical freaks like Ellie De La Cruz, six foot five inch rookie shortstop, cincinnati already the fastest player in the game.

He hits Oppo tacos as if they were pop flies. 21 years old, he has single handedly lifted the Reds from the depths of the standings all the way to first place. And unlike in Miami, they're packing the stadium there for the first time in years. This kid is the greatest thing to happen to Cincinnati since they added spaghetti noodles to chili for some unbelievably horrific reason. But there is a better athlete in the game. We know who that is. Stop me if you heard it before, kids. Shohei Otani. My goodness. This week two home runs he hit struck out ten guys in the same game. It's insane. God, I get crazy talking about him. This should be whatever everybody in America is talking about. Not Trump waving around secret documents or not. I mean, because this is something unprecedented. This is like something holy in an already sacred game. Networks should be interrupting regularly scheduled programming for every single at bat of this guy. Cult should form praying to the back of Shohei Otani's baseball card. You know what, David? Maybe people compare him to Babe Ruth, right? To me, no comparison. Otani is far, far superior.

Right? You heard me right? I saw JJ. Reddick bury Bob Koozie dead in the ditch. I'm going to do him one better. Babe Ruth overrated. Whoa. Over. Balloon man with hot dog scraps and gin filling him up, who took a running start at baseball practice fastballs in a segregated league. I mean for his era. Great pitcher and a great hitter, but he never did both at the same time, like Shohei Otani does every single week. Every week. Otani blesses us with a blahelvoff. I got to take it. I get a little worked up. Otani blesses us every week with a reinvention of the eternal. It's amazing.

And he's going to be a whole lot richer than Babe Ruth ever was in one, right?

I mean, you know, how about that? Tampa Bay's entire payroll isn't as much as what Verlander gets for a season. Is that right? It's about right. If that's not right, it's almost right.

It's close to right. But the real issue around these teams is they're spending a lot of money and they're not getting anything for it. The Mets. The Padres. And they look at the Reds or the Marlins, and they say, you know what? We don't have to spend and waste all this money. They're going to see what they do with Otani. What else do you want to plug here before we got to go?

We'll see where Otani goes. It is going to be for a lot of money, and I think he will deliver wherever he goes. But plug? I got nothing else to plug. Nothing for me. I do remain upset with Dan for abandoning me, so I would like you know what? I'm going to plug Dan Levitard's email address, which no, this is fine. Relax. It's Dan the manlevatard. That's all. One word@aol.com you heard that, right, AOL.com? The man runs a startup, for Christ's sake, and he just pollutes the inboxes of his employees with that fill. I mean, you think a green bubble in the group Chad, is annoying? Just wait till you see Dan Levitard barf up memories of the old 56K dial up right in your in box. Embarrassing. Horrible. Feel free to email Dan and tell him so. Dan the manlibatar AOL.com. Let him know.

Thank you, Brockmeyer, for not giving out his cell phone. So this is not all of our last days in the studio.